109 | Bobbing for Knives

If, from the day you are born, you never bleed, do you live your entire life with the same blood? We explore the body like The Magic School Bus after we dive deeper into Matt's Dad's theory that a 'Student Driver' sticker conspiracy is running rampant through these United States. Then we finish off the episode with some new Local Legends!

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Episode Transcript

Matt (00:00):
Matthew.

Eric (00:01):
Yes, sir, are you familiar with Jepson's Malort?

Matt (00:07):
Yes, Eric, I am in name only.
I've never tried this nastything.

Eric (00:11):
Oh you've never had it.

Matt (00:12):
Yeah, because everyone says it's gross, except
literally you.
Yeah, no, it's, exceptliterally you.
Who's like oh, we got to getsome Malort.
Everybody else uses it as apunchline.
Anyway, continue with yoursetup.

Eric (00:24):
Speaking of lord, everybody else uses it as a
punch line.
Anyway, continue with yoursetup.
Speaking of, uh, I just I thinkabout the lives we lead,
because you and I, like, Iconsider you one of my bestest
friends and I use her, but, like, and this is, we can say it
yeah, we are vastly differenthuman beings.

Matt (00:43):
Oh, you don't fucking say, as we all are.
Yeah, as we all are.
No, we're very different people.
You remain an enigma to me.

Eric (00:53):
Yeah, yeah, I truly.
We baffle each other at times.

Matt (00:57):
Well, I often express that you baffle me.
You've hardly expressed that Ibaffle you.

Eric (01:02):
No, you're not Matthew.
You are many things Handsome,brilliant witty, but baffling to
me.

Matt (01:09):
No.

Eric (01:10):
Okay, it's one of the things I appreciate.
I'm like you're my true north,you're my fucking, you're my
compass.

Matt (01:21):
I'm happy for that.
I'm happy for that, said I.

Eric (01:28):
Continuing sentences that make sense.
So I I only preface that with.
I'm going to tell you a storyabout what I did at mag fest for
those great and I assume it ismalort fueled.

Matt (01:38):
Oh boy, is it um.
I'm without knowing the story.

Eric (01:47):
Um, without knowing the story, strap in folks.
Uh.
So for those of you don't know,um, I attend and sit on the
board of a uh 501C3 nonprofitcalled mag fest music and gaming
festival.
It's hosted in Maryland.
Each year we get over 20,000attendees each year.
It's a national Harbor.
It celebrates music and gamesand all those things we sold out
again this year.

(02:07):
Humblebrag and I've beenattending MAGFest since like the
early 2010s, about three yearsago and, matt, to this day I
could not tell you why.
Sorry, let me back this up evenfurther.
About 10 years ago, when you goto the gaylord national harbor
resort where magfest is hosted,it's in national harbor,

(02:28):
gigantic hotel on this islandthat is so manufactured and
artificial, like it is bougie ashell.
It is, and it is so well.

Matt (02:40):
Whole, all of national harbor is like that now.

Eric (02:42):
No, that's what I mean, yeah like all of like the vibe
of national harbor.
When you're there, you feellike you're in the hunger games,
but like in a city where theywatch the hunger games oh, yeah,
yeah, yeah, like, yeah, I getit yeah, um, I am in the wrong
tax bracket.
It's the only way I can everstay in that hotel yeah, no, you
don't belong there, no god, no,it's like marble floors and

(03:07):
like an atrium that, like the,there is an entire.

Matt (03:10):
You can't be around marble .

Eric (03:12):
There's a little village inside the hotel, in the atrium,
where the actual trees aregrowing out of the ground inside
like full-size trees can youbelieve it?

Matt (03:22):
folks trees on the indoors .

Eric (03:25):
They got they got what them outdoor things, but in the
insides there's also in nationalharbor, a ferris wheel.
Yeah, that's true, I have neverridden this ferris wheel.
I could.
You can pay, you can get on itand like, get like.

Matt (03:43):
But usually I've seen it many times from the road.
It's a feature.

Eric (03:48):
It is a feature Of the National Harbor.
It's a feature, it's theconversation piece.
I've never ridden it and Ithink what happened is about
like nine or 10 years ago.
Someone was like why have wenever ridden that Ferris wheel?
And just off the dome said, oh,ferris wheel's haunted.
Oh, ferris wheel.
And just off the dome said oh,ferris wheels haunted.
Oh, ferris wheels haunted,haunted, ferris, haunted Ferris

(04:09):
wheel.
The Ferris wheel is haunted.
And, matt, for the past 10 yearsat mag fest I have been social
engineering the room in everyjust cat.
The first couple of years Ijust walked through the
convention, just like you know,nodding to people.
First couple of years I justwalked through the convention,
just like you know, nodding topeople as I go by like hey, just
so you know Ferris wheel ishaunted, and like no explanation

(04:31):
, just keep walking.
Yeah, uh, on any mag fest,social media posts and stuff.
If I'm commenting every now andthen I'll just pepper in a oh,
by the way, ferris wheels on it,nice, um.
And to really cement this loreand this has been built out over
time.

Matt (04:46):
Sure, yeah Like more and more people like it.

Eric (04:47):
just this is a long-term bit.
Ferris wheel's haunted.
It's fucking haunted.
So what I did about three yearsago and again I could not tell
you why- I was just going to say.

Matt (04:59):
At any point did you educate yourself on what the
actual lore of this hauntingmight be?

Eric (05:06):
oh, no, no, no, no, no, no .
I cannot expand expound orexpand beyond that.

Matt (05:13):
Sure, yeah, absolutely gotta keep them interested that
absolutely scans talk about truenorth poach all I.

Eric (05:21):
All I will say or have said about the ferris wheel is
that it has claimed.
Many souls have not explainedhow absolutely can't tell them
how.

Matt (05:30):
That's something I'm sure national harbor wants you just
putting out there.

Eric (05:33):
Oh yeah they love it.
So what I did about three yearsago is I decided I wanted to
start a new tradition at magfest.
Um, because it's a thursdaythrough sunday event.
Yeah, and this is something Ido of my own accord.
This has no official MAGFest.
This is literally something Iorganize in a private Facebook
group.

Matt (05:52):
Thank you.
You're legally covered boardmember.

Eric (05:54):
Thank you, oh yeah, everything I'm about to say is a
joke to the people who alsowork at MAGFest and also know
what I'm about to talk about.
Work at mag fest and also knowwhat I'm about to talk about.
So a couple years ago I decidedthat to kick off the weekend at
the stroke of midnight onthursday, meaning, you know,
technically friday morning.
At that point we're startingoff this weekend to give the

(06:16):
vibe of mag fest.
It is burning man for indoorkids, it is fuck.
It's running 24 hours a day.
There are parties happeningnonstop.
I get to bed by 6 am.
If I'm lucky, it is a we gohorde.
So to kick off the weekend,three years ago I was like, okay

(06:37):
, new Facebook event, let's alldo a shot of Malort in front of
the Ferris wheel.
Yes, and I started this littleFacebook group.
I said, hey, hey, here's thedeal ferris wheels haunted and
to commemorate those we havelost, at the stroke of midnight
on thursday, we're all going togather, we're all going to walk
outside in january, to the edgeof the water of national harbor

(06:59):
and in, in full view of thataccursed wheel, we're all going
to do a shot of malort.
At the stroke of midnight wewill have one minute of
uninterrupted silence and thenwe will all look around at each
other and in one voice say, uh,malort, and, and, and go, oh.
And the other thing is, at thestroke of midnight, before we do
the shot, we all raise ourglasses and say in one voice oh

(07:22):
my Lord, nice.
And then we, we do the shot,nice.
And then we walk in a minute ofminute of silence and then we
disperse.
The first year I did it, I, I, Iput the event out there, I
invited, I invited people, godyou know.
So I was like who's going toshow?
Yeah, first did it.

(07:47):
I'd say we had a healthy 20 orso people, oh, all right.
Which I was like all right, ohall right, sure, matt.
This past year I had like 150people whoa, eric, that's a lot
of malort are you supplying?
the malort.
So here's the beauty of it matt, great, no great okay, so
where's it coming from?

Matt (08:06):
the sea so matt?

Eric (08:08):
this is the beauty of community, that's what I want to
talk about yeah, tell me, tellme the beauty of community,
bound together by the tie thatis malort, matt, let me tell you
and this is this is how I knowwe are such vastly different
people if you were planning uh,if you were planning a similar

(08:29):
event, I know for a fucking factyou would have an itinerary,
you would have, you would haveinstructions, you would oh, you
mean it would be organized, youwould.
You would predict, like, basedon current projections, we
expect to get this many bottlesof Malignant Fuck off based on
current projections.

Matt (08:49):
You malicious, maligning asshole.

Eric (08:55):
Matthew, you have the most spreadsheets of any human I
have ever known.

Matt (09:00):
Eric, I'm a fucking data specialist.

Eric (09:03):
Eric, I'm a fucking data specialist, yeah, okay, matt,
you have the most spreadsheetsremoved from your job of any
person.
I know.

Matt (09:12):
Well, I guess you haven't met my wife, because I think she
might have me tapped out there.

Eric (09:21):
That's fair, but yours are far more frivolous.
What did you just say to me?
We're going to have a segmentone day where I'm gonna.
I want to go through.
I want to read the tight.
I want to read the thecategories of your spreadsheets.

Matt (09:33):
I want to read them to fucking filth and I want you to
look at nine let me just say,for both your benefit and the
listeners, I appreciate you'retrying to do a little joke a
little bit.
You don't know what the fuckyou're talking about.
You don't know what kind ofdarkness lurks in these tabs.
You have no fucking clue aboutmy spreadsheets.
You don't know about my sheetsand the freakishness I get up

(09:57):
into in them.
Just getting nasty in the sheetsI will I will say, there is a
very popular mug.
There's a million differentversions of it.
That is like an excelspreadsheet that just says I'm a
freak in the sheets god, youneed that mug jesus, I have

(10:20):
wanted that for a long time youknow have we talked about.

Eric (10:23):
You know, there's an Excel sheet Olympics right.

Matt (10:27):
I'm not, and this is what I mean by you're maligning me.
I'm not that good, I'm not anExcel.
I'd say I'm an Excel expertprobably, but I am not an Excel
like aficionado.
I'm not even a journeyman.
Well, like I remember at my oldjob, my boss, when, when we do

(10:49):
like a screen share, we wereworking together at the same
time or whatever the eric, thethings she could do to a
spreadsheet, I'll tell you Ijust sit, I just sit back and be
like what?
formula.
Is that, my god, my formulas?
How'd she do these?

Eric (11:04):
macros, could she be.
Don't that, my God, thesemacros.
Could she be?

Matt (11:08):
Don't get me started on macros.
The first time I ran a macro,eric, you felt like God.
I creamed my jeans.

Eric (11:15):
I don't mind saying it no same, bro, same.
But all that to say yes, yesall that to say?

Matt (11:24):
what could you possibly be wrapping that up with?

Eric (11:27):
All that to say.
That's how you would organizemidnight Malort shots.
Yes, it would be organized.
This guy does it.
I lean on the power of fuckingcommunity, my friend.
Here's what I do.
I I put.
I make one post where I'm like,hey, you made a post.
That in itself is a rarity.
I was like 11.45, meet me,atrium, by the fountain that

(11:51):
looks like two dicks or a uterus.
If you saw a picture of thefountain you would know what I
mean.
I'd take your word for it.
And then at 11.55, we walk thefuck outside at midnight, do
shot of silence, boom, we'redone.
And and matthew, I have tobelieve in my community.
I have to believe that thesethings will just sort of, you

(12:12):
know, work themselves out.
And sure, fucking enough,malort, everyone has some.
There's enough for everybody.
There's no way it's all malortthere's no way.

Matt (12:22):
It's all malort people show up.

Eric (12:24):
You don't know that.
No, I, I'm there with the groupas p matt.
Someone brought a case one year, someone, okay, well okay,
that's different.
Yeah, people show up to thismatt.
They're pulling it out ofbackpacks, out of like hidden
storage compartments flasks yeah, you want to know why.

Matt (12:43):
they said I want to be part of this thing, but I know
there's no goddamn organizationsurrounding it, so I better
procure my own fucking Malort.
I can't believe we've spentthis long talking about Malort.

Eric (12:56):
Organization leaves evidence.
Matthew, I have to believe inthe community.
This is a grassroots Malortevent.

Matt (13:03):
Grassroots are by very definition.
Grassroots are organized.
Continue.

Eric (13:08):
Yeah, Matt, I'll leave you with this, Please do.
We were at like 150 people thisyear.
This thing has gotten like huge.
It's actually it's growing at arate that.

Matt (13:20):
I will soon be concerned, and okay you should be.
But I will say because you wantto know why it's not fucking
organized.
As the former front of housemanager is speaking now, as the
former patron manager, I have tosay to you you should be
concerned about 200 plus peoplewith no sort of organization and

(13:43):
alcohol involved plus peoplewith no sort of organization and
alcohol involved.

Eric (13:49):
But anyway, oh, matt, magfest is 22 000 people plus
alcohol, with no sort ofsupervision involved um, yes, I,
I imagine there's all kinds ofdepravity but that's if, if any
of this actually happened, whichdidn't because what?

Matt (14:00):
I'm saying to you, I'm trying to believe it.
Not, Eric, I'm trying to payyou a compliment, Just like oh
oh, oh, sorry, Sorry, stop, stopthe bits.
The fact that those 150 peopleare gathering for this Malort
toast, for absolutely no purposeor reason, is 100% because of

(14:21):
you.
They're doing it because it'syour bit, it's your idea, and I
don't need to be there to knowwhat sort of ringmaster-esque
energy you're bringing to thesituation.
And I don't even mean it as ajoke.
I mean, like you bringcommunities together, matthew,
you do Thank you.

(14:41):
So they're there.
They're not toasting to Malort,they're not toasting to this
Ferris wheel communitiestogether, matthew, you do Thank
you.
So they're there.
They're not toasting to Malort.
They're not toasting to thisFerris wheel, eric, they're
toasting to you.

Eric (14:51):
Well, thank you and Matt, to, to, to, to exemplify that
wonderful compliment you justpaid me this year.
I could not have been moreproud, Matt didn't plan this
either.
We this year.
I could not have been moreproud, matt didn't plan this
either.
We do the shot and, as duringthe minute of silence, I hear
something light up behind me andI feel light.

(15:11):
I turn around, matt, peoplehave sparklers and they start
passing around sparklers andthey start singing the national
anthem using only the wordMalort, malort, mal, malort,
malort, and it was the mostbeautiful patriotic thing I have

(15:34):
ever witnessed in my entirefucking life.
And not a single spreadsheetwas used.

Matt (15:43):
It's so fucking dumb you know we try to keep these cold
opens to like five minutes,right, nope, right.
You know that that's the goal.
That's the goal.
Short little ditty.

Eric (15:55):
Yep, it's supposed to be the name of the game.
A little ditty, more it goesdown with a ditty.

Matt (15:59):
Just fine, jeez, no oh you said you tell no, no, no, I
ain't cutting that I ain'tcutting that did he did he
sponsors my lord?

Eric (16:10):
huh, did he?
Did he stay away from myfucking lord?

Matt (16:27):
Oh gosh, let's just go right into it.
Huh Well, thank you all forjoining us.
Hello everybody, and welcome toyou.
Didn't Ask For this, thepodcast that answers you, didn't
that?

Eric (16:39):
answers.
You didn't think we wouldanswer your questions, but we're
gonna the podcast that answerslife's least pressing questions.

Matt (16:47):
My name is Matthew Shea my name's.
Eric Poach.
Eric Poach, I know how you areDivine.
I don't need to answer yourquestion.
I don't need to ask you how areyou, how are you Fine, I love.
Also, we should address thatthis episode is being recorded a
day after it's scheduledrecording, because both of us

(17:11):
texted each other to say, hey, Idon't think I can do the show
today, because I didn't sleep atall last night due to anxiety,
and both of us were like, wow,that's incredible.
You know what, eric?
That just means our cycles aresynced.

Eric (17:25):
Oh my God, it finally happened it finally happened.

Matt (17:29):
buddy, there it is.

Eric (17:30):
Our anxiety is synced.

Matt (17:32):
I think it is, and that just shows that we are one.

Eric (17:39):
I'll be at work and just like, suddenly like fall over
and like clutch the side of hishead.
He was like Eric, what's wrong?
It's like oh, it's Matt, he'snot drinking enough water.
Oh, he needs to unclench hisjaw.

Matt (17:50):
Oh well, okay.
The first thing is probablyalmost never true, because I do
go through like three of mygiant yetis a day.
The second is always true myjaw is always clenched.
Same, same bro, all Always truemy jaws always clench.

Eric (18:04):
Same, same bro.
All right, eric, should we get?

Matt (18:05):
Oh, he's angry, he's angry Well that's definitely always a
factor of my daily life, eric.
I think we should get into it.

Eric (18:13):
Let's do the goddamn thing .

Matt (18:15):
Now I'm just checking the thought line here and I got a
message.
Eric, should we take it?
Oh, take it, baby.

Mike (18:22):
Hey, matt and Eric, it's your old friend Mike Puri Jr.
Mike Puri Jr, second timecaller, one time guest, but
hopefully another time guest.
I'm sure I wanted to call in andtalk a little bi t about your
dad, matt, that your dad'sconspiracy about the student
driver stickers.
I have also noted a ton of ofthose on the way home after

(18:45):
listening to your podcast.
There's like a oh, first timedriver, student driver thing and
my conspiracy about it is thatI think just bad drivers who
know they're bad drivers, whodon't want to improve and want
to drive recklessly, are puttingthem on their cars to excuse
that to other drivers so theydon't have to face any
repercussions, sort of like whatEric was saying.
Also, on the point ofconspiracies, I would be remiss

(19:13):
if I didn't mention that my wife, lacey Riley, and I wrote a
movie together called theConspiracists, which is coming
out this year.
It's a feature film.
I directed it.
It's awesome.
It's shot in Delaware mostly,but a little bit in Maryland,
and I'm super proud of it.
It's coming out.
I had to mention it.
Love you guys, miss you andkeep on rocking the free world.

(19:38):
Hell, yeah, okay, I don't knowwhat that means.

Matt (19:43):
Well, thank you, Mike.
Thank you, Mike, so good tohear from you again.
And yes, the comedymockumentary, the Conspiracists
Comedy mockumentary, theConspiracists.
You can find out someinformation at
theconspiracistscom if you're sointerested folks.
Yeah, I know he was shootingthat all over the summer, I want

(20:06):
to say, and into the fall.

Eric (20:09):
Just to throw this out here.
Throw it out because mike perry, as as always a trailblazer,
because he he has introduced anelement into the thought line
that I would encourage everyoneto do, which is plug your cool
shit, plug your cool shit, we'llplug it.

Matt (20:28):
Plug your shit promote shamelessly, shamelessly promote
it and god, we want to hearabout your cool shit.
So just, and to finish theshameless promotion
theconspiracistscom.
You can keep up with the filmand when it's going to be
released and you can see it onyour various platforms or

(20:50):
wherever they're going torelease it.
I don't know, I didn't makethis when we know, we'll tell
you.

Eric (20:56):
We'll tell you.
We'll tell you feed you babybirds.
Fucking google it.
The man called into the thoughtline, took the time out of his
dialed our number, told youabout the movie.
We're telling you about themovie.
What, what more do you want?
What do you want from us god?
Well, we, you want from us God.

Matt (21:15):
Well, we could answer the question.

Eric (21:16):
Okay, so new driver stickers as a camouflage of
sorts for bad drivers?

Matt (21:23):
Yes, and this is, of course, based on my dad's bingo
square that they're well thebingo square, based on my dad's
theory that there is some sortof conspiracy surrounding fake
quote, unquote, fake studentdriver, new driver, whatever
stickers and I agree, I'mlooking around when I'm driving,

(21:44):
eric, I see them all the time.
Yeah, I don't think I everdrive my car these days without
seeing some sort of new driver.
Yeah, ooh, forgive me, newdriver, yeah.

Eric (21:56):
Forgive me, new driver and like there can't be that many
people, no I mean, like therecan't be that many new, there
can't be that many children onthis planet.

Matt (22:07):
Not only that, eric.
When you were learning to drive, did your parents slap a new
driver sticker to the back ofyour car?
Fuck, no, fuck, no, that's whatI'm saying.

Eric (22:17):
there's some sort of grand cover-up going on yeah, my
folks are like oh, you want todrive like a grown-up, you can
die like one.

Matt (22:27):
I was like damn pap, son of damn rick damn eric have you
brought this up with yourtherapist, because I feel like
this might be Not yet, I'mworking up to it.

Eric (22:39):
I feel like this might be a deep sea issue.
It's fine.
No, the most traumatic part ofmy early driving experience was
that I was driving a 95 PontiacGrand Am that did not work from
day one.
No, I cherished that car.
Of course I'm grateful for thatcar.

(22:59):
What was?

Matt (22:59):
its name.

Eric (23:02):
Oh, what was its name?
I?

Matt (23:04):
already.
Am ashamed that you don't know.

Eric (23:06):
I know Well because I've had my Jeep for 13 years, I name
all my vehicles.
14 years, I name all myvehicles.
My Jeep has a name.

Matt (23:14):
I believe if you're going to be in a relationship with an
automobile and by driving oneday in, day out and trusting it
with your life, baby, you're ina relationship with that vehicle
.
You've got to have a name,you've got to be able to talk to
that car.

Eric (23:29):
My Jeep has a name, but most people don't know it.

Matt (23:33):
I'll tell you this, speaking of grand, grand dams,
not only did my dad have a granddam for a long time, but when I
was first really just firstdating lindsey okay courting my.
I got into this.
I got into a car accident withmy um, my malibu, my chevy
malibu, my mom's car that Iloved.

Eric (23:56):
Wait.
So you got in a car accidentwith your mom's car.

Matt (24:00):
Yeah, it was given to me.
It was my mom's old car.
It became my car.
I got into an accident with it.

Eric (24:05):
I got into an accident with my mom's car.

Matt (24:07):
We have many things in common and it was totaled so it
had to go and I would end upgetting a grand prix as a result
as a fun fact.
But in the meantime, lindsey'sdad had this purple grand am
that he would.
I had not met the man yet andwas like, oh, he can drive this

(24:29):
car if he needs a car, because Iwas living off campus at the
time at Towson, so I need Iactually needed some sort of
vehicle to get to school.
Uh, and it was not road safe atall.
It would randomly shut itselfoff in the middle of the road.
I'd have to pull over.

(24:49):
And then when they went totrade that car in, they were
like, oh yeah, we can't give youmuch for this because this is
not road safe.
And I said I could have fuckingtold you that I could.
Uh, yeah, so really, my, myfuture father-in-law was trying
to kill me.
Is what I'm trying to say?

Eric (25:04):
yeah yeah, it scans um.
Let me tell you this tell me,god damn it because this goes
all the way to the top, oh uh,the other way it goes all the
way to the bottom down thestreet from me, uh-huh, where I
live, yeah, sleepy suburb ofbaltimore, sure sleepy.
There is a in a in a sleepdeprived suburb of baltimore.

(25:30):
Sure better there is a fleamarket, uh-huh.
That happens every weekend andhas happened every weekend for
like more longer than I've beenalive.
I've been going to this thingsince I was a kid.
My folks would take me there,and now, as as a man, a grand
tradition, truly grand, and andbro, it is the.

(25:52):
It is the most wonderful,sketchiest flea market.
And when I say sketchy I don'tmean like you're never in danger
, but you feel when you step in,you feel like you've stepped
into blade runner.
It is like all of these.
You walk into this buildingjust fucking.
Hundreds of these slap dashcobbled together like individual

(26:13):
merchant stalls with all kindsof osha has never even looked at
this place.
Osha could never.
Osha could never.
Uh, like crazy ass.
Neon signs everywhere you couldsee like the decades of
nicotine stains back, like onthe walls.
Back for what people couldsmoke in there, tasty.

(26:35):
They sell everything.
Any kind of shitty knife youcould ever desire you will find
there.
Oh god, um, uh.
But you can also buy.
There's one dude who juststraight up sells.
Buy like the basket, sells likethe front yard signs for
security systems for like, likefucking cells.
I think that's illegal orsomething oh it's probably is.

(27:00):
I think there is some sort oflaw against it, bro, I need to
take you to the flea market.

Matt (27:05):
I need to take you to this flea market I actually need to
do you, daft and afraid in thisflea eric, I was just about to
suggest it's a perfect.
We were just and folks.
We were just talking I won'treveal anything.
We were just and folks.
We were just talking, I won'treveal anything.
We were just talking about ournext Yadavton, afraid to get one
in before we hit the year markfrom the last one.
We were talking about our nextYadavton, afraid and this sounds

(27:27):
like a good candidate.
And, eric, I'll tell you what.
I fuck with the flea market.
I fuck with any sort of antiquestore I love.

Eric (27:36):
You will fucks with this flea market.

Matt (27:38):
Much to my wife's chagrin.
I love a tchotchke.
Oh, we love a tchotchke.
I love a tchotchke.
I love a thing.
I love a thing that I can own.

Eric (27:47):
Give me an object that I can look at and hold in my hand
and say this is mine, this ismine I own this and this goes
back all the way to when I was awee infant.

Matt (27:57):
I remember I was at a Baubles Baubles.
I remember once I was at a yardsale and there was some ugly.
I can't stress enough how uglythis stuffed animal possum was.

Eric (28:12):
You had to have it, and I had to have it, you had to have
it.

Matt (28:15):
I had to have that possum had to have had to have it I had
to have that possible, god, yes, and I guess I did, I got and I
respect that.

Eric (28:21):
So, yeah, this you will love the flea market we're going
, but to that end they this guyalso sells like the new.
He sells the new, the newdriver like magnets and shit
like they sell, they sell andthey sell and anyone can buy
them.
Anyone can buy them.
Follow the money Follow themoney.

Matt (28:41):
Eric, I think you're at the pulse of this.
You?
I think I'm at the episode.
Yeah, dude, I think you mightbe at the epicenter.

Eric (28:49):
I don't think we can air this we're gonna, we're gonna,
you're gonna to expose the truth.
You're going to find me facedown in the gutter with a bunch
of very shitty knives in my bagand I will literally know who
did it A katana A katana, that'sa sword.
Oh no, they sell, bro.
You know they have a swordstand.

Matt (29:09):
So you just mean blades, blades of all kinds, of all
shapes and sizes.

Eric (29:14):
Where you can buy knives by the bucket.
A bucket full of knives.
All the kids love you.
You dip a little scoop, you getin there, scoop them out.

Matt (29:25):
Bobbing for knives the most dangerous of games.
God, I cannot Bobbing forknives.

Eric (29:32):
Oh shit, now you be careful, eli.
That one's a quick release.

Matt (29:40):
That one's a butterfly there.
Be careful, Eli.

Eric (29:45):
That was catching butterflies when I was a boy.

Matt (29:47):
Illegal in almost all states.
But you know it's here in thebucket.

Eric (29:52):
We can sell them because they're not made well.

Matt (29:55):
They're more of a threat to you than anyone else, as long
as we call them a collectiblethey're fine.
Oh yeah.

Eric (30:04):
Oh that, yes, that entire building is God just playing so
fucking fast and loose with theword collectible, got to, got to
.
I love a collectible.
So, yeah, I do think, uh, thatthis there is a conspiracy.
I think, like you know people,people be throwing them new

(30:24):
driver things on.
I I if it weren't creepy andprobably illegal.
No, no, it's probably legal,but like super creepy and I'm
never gonna do this to anotherperson.
But I would love to catalog,like every time I see new
drivers.
Cal, take a quick bit.
I encourage I guarantee it'llskew like people in, like their
40s I think so.

Matt (30:45):
I encourage everyone out there to start documenting the
license plates and photos of thedrivers.
Make sure you get all theirpersonal information.
Make sure you get theirpersonal information of the
people you see driving a a newdriver car, because if they've
got the sticker they better havefucking.

(31:07):
You know they better be 15.
Show me your provisional.
Show me your provisional.
Show me a provisional fucking.
Show me a provisional Fuckingcitizens arrest them.

Eric (31:16):
No, don't do that, we're getting into it.
You better be a shitty assdriver for real, because you
just learned.

Matt (31:24):
We are getting into a bad category of two white guys with
a podcast.

Eric (31:29):
So you know what You're right and Matthew, yes, thank
you.

Matt (31:35):
Do not citizens arrest anyone.
Don't, don't, don't.
No, it's not really a thing,actually, it's not.

Eric (31:41):
It's not real.
It's not actually a thing, muchlike we're about to learn.
A lot of things are around here.
It's not real, it's not real.

Matt (31:50):
So don't do that.
But do take a hard look at thedriver and you tell me, is it
some 16?
I said 15 a minute ago, but six.
That doesn't really make sensehere.
16, 17 year old kid no, I'mwilling to bet it's not so
documented it's not ram them offof the road, absolutely,

(32:13):
because Just fucking.
Mario Kart them.
How else are we going to provethat there's a conspiracy if you
don't throw some banana peelsat these drivers?

Eric (32:23):
And, if it turns out, you in your zeal.

Matt (32:29):
In your righteous zeal In your righteous zeal.

Eric (32:33):
If you actually you rammed this car off the road and, like
they do, like they roll over,like 15 times, you get over
there and it turns out it wasactually a student driver.
Here's what you do.
Tell me as they're crawlingfrom the wreckage.

Matt (32:47):
Yes, their whole life, ahead and behind them.

Eric (32:50):
As they struggle to unfold their butterfly knife to cut
the seatbelt so they can crawlout, and you just kneel down
real close and you say welcometo the big leagues bitch, and
they'll be a safer driver.
I'll tell you that.

Matt (33:03):
They'll be more.

Eric (33:04):
They'll keep their eyes on the road.

Matt (33:06):
They've learned a lesson today, haven't they?

Eric (33:08):
They'll know you're lurking.

Matt (33:10):
They'll know you're lurking.

Eric (33:12):
They'll know you're fucking coming for them.

Matt (33:14):
They'll know.
You're out there, ready topounce Yep, ready to strike.
Float like a butterfly, stinglike a butterfly knife.

Eric (33:23):
They will be like a mountain lion the ever-present
threat.

Matt (33:31):
Yes, absolutely.
Just like a puma, like afucking coot, all right.

Eric (33:43):
I think that answers that.

Matt (33:44):
I think that answers that A question.
I'll be honest, I don't fullyremember at this point.

Eric (33:49):
Yeah, and I think that's for the best.
I think that's for the best.

Matt (33:55):
So, whatever it was, I think we answered it okay.
So this next question wasemailed to us by a good friend
of the pod, leo allen jr, whichyou might recall from the
Voluntary Input podcast, which Idon't believe he's doing

(34:18):
anymore, but you can still findall his blogs and stuff at
leoallanjrcom.
Good friend of the pod, goodfriend of the Neatcast pod and
our little circle of friends.
So, leo, I think this is thefirst time maybe not that you've
written into the show.
Thank you so much.
I am touched, as am I.

(34:40):
Yes, absolutely, and so, leo,you've written in with this
question If, from the day youare born, you never bleed, do
you live your entire life withthe same?

Eric (34:52):
blood Matt, I'm going to stop you right there, just going
to off the dome this why we mayonly answer this question using
knowledge that is already inour brains.

Matt (35:03):
We may not Google anything , okay, I agree with the spirit
of what you've put forth.

Eric (35:10):
Because, Matt, we could, God, we could Google this.

Matt (35:13):
Because I don't even need to Google the answer, Eric, to
know that the blood.

Eric (35:19):
Oh yeah, matt.
What does science have?

Matt (35:22):
to say about this.
I'll just say, as somebody whodoes indeed have a blood
disorder, I do have theknowledge.
Oh yeah, okay, put it back inthe deck.
That the blood.
Put it back in the deck, eric.
You know, eric.
Oh, you dropped this.

(35:42):
Lindsay and I were just talkingabout your fucking wit and how
quick you are, and we wereexemplifying this to somebody by
talking about the last time youwere over here to watch a
Wrexham game, a game of soccer,and my wife, lindsay, was

(36:05):
talking about Elliot Lee and hisgiant dick that you can just
see flopping around in thoseshorts of his.
Yeah, you just looked at thescreen and said so, you don't
even remember this.
So I know I'm delivering to youa bit that you did.
Eric just goes unprompted, withno time to think.

(36:28):
He just goes.
Someone call the farmer.
I just found his hog.

Eric (36:33):
Oh, god and see, and that is the the price I pay for.
That is my shitty, shittymemory yes, anything that I say.

Matt (36:45):
Yes, I can steal any number of bits from you.
You oh, man do god yes anyway,take a bit, leave a bit.
See, I happen to know that theblood in the body does
completely replenish itself,much like cells.
You know the old thing of likeevery so X amount of time all

(37:06):
the cells in your body replace.
So you're like, technically notthe same person.

Eric (37:09):
And that that that is like where we're digging, there's
taters, exactly that that islike where we're digging there's
taters, exactly so, like the.

Matt (37:18):
The actual answer, leo allen jr, is that no, the blood,
the blood does not stay withyou the whole time like as a
physical, literal amount ofblood.
Because, first of all, if yousaid from the day you're born,
so you're going to grow, sothere's going to need to be, you
know from the day you're bornso you're going to grow, so
there's going to need to be.
You know more blood as you getbigger, so there's that first of

(37:41):
all.
But then the, the blood I hadhave now, will not be the blood
x days from now.
I don't know the number of daysand eric won't let me google it
, so I can't provide youknowledge and I appreciate that
scientific answer.

Eric (37:54):
I I appreciate the knowledge that you brought into
this, but respectfully fuck that, Okay.

Matt (38:01):
Fuck science.
Great, not that last bit, butyes.

Eric (38:08):
But I do want to talk about.
So this is we're like ballsdeep in the ship of Theseus
right now.
Sure, absolutely.
And for those of you not aware,the ship of Theseus right now.
Sure, absolutely.
And for those you're not aware,the ship of theseus, the
classic philosophical question.
They know, there's a ship, youreplace parts of the ship over
the years and then eventuallyall the parts get replaced.
Is it the same ship?
And then if you took all theparts, you took off the ship to

(38:30):
replace them and then put themall together and had the same
ship, you now have two ships.
Which ship is the ship oftheseus?
Yada, yada, yada.
Thank you, eric.
So much of our phenomenal world,everything in our phenomenal
world, in fact.
Oh, everything is impermanent.
True, it is ever changing.
True, there is, there isnothing that does not change or

(38:52):
alter a shift in some way oranother.
There's no constant.
So a yes, you never bleed yourblood.
So obviously, your blood, youknow.
Water enters your body.
Water becomes blood, why?
And then you sweat, you your,your, your water matt what is
happening?
works matt.

(39:12):
What is happening?
It will.
The blood gotta come fromsomewhere.

Matt (39:17):
You need water, make blood , you drink water body absorb
water, eric, and I say thiswater become blood eric, I say
this foolishly, if you say sonice, thank you.

Eric (39:31):
it like it's got like I mean where, where, where the
fuck else is gonna come from?
Not from, not the store youcan't run out to.
You can't go to H Mart by blood.
Well, actually I can buy likepig's blood from H Mart, but
that's beside the point, whereyou get it behind.

Matt (39:46):
H Mart.
Yeah, in a loading dock, youget it at a Tupperware bowl.

Eric (39:58):
Got to meet a guy named Edgar and he'll hook you up with
it.
So the blood is, is is everchanging, but like everything's
changing all the time.
Nothing is ever the same thingever.
Like you were just saying allthe molecules in your body like
swap around.
So like using the backgroundand the background assumption of
like well, everything ischanging anyway, so nothing is
truly permanent.
You never have the sameanything ever, so let's just

(40:18):
with.
But because everything isalways changing and nothing is
the same ever, that meanseverything is the same in that
respect.
So I think, yeah, using thatlike whatever that worldview,
world view yeah, if you neverbleed, uh-huh if you never bleed

(40:40):
.
Never bleed though never bleed,ever not.
You set the world for the day.
You're fucking born, eric.
We get it, but like that, let'stalk about that though.
That's that the implications ofnever bleeding?
Yes, because that would meanyou're a bubble boy.
You would well not even that,bro, like what?

(41:02):
Because you bleed when you losea tooth, as when you lose your
baby teeth.
You bleed, that's true.
So what are you?

Matt (41:09):
doing to prevent that?
I don't.

Eric (41:11):
I think what we're finding , eric, is you're not going to
make it very far if you neverbleed you're not going to make
it very far and in that bleedYou're not going to make it very
far.
And in that case, if you're notgoing to make it very far,
you're not going to make it verylong.
If you don't make it very long,you're a dead baby, you're a
dead baby.

Matt (41:26):
And now we're all sad.

Eric (41:27):
Good job and fucking great , but do you have the same blood
?

Matt (41:36):
Well, in that case, Depending on when you died as a
baby, maybe is the sad answerthat's the sad answer.
That's the sad answer, Eric,and you did that.
I got the sads of Theseus.

Eric (41:45):
now you got the sads of Theseus.
I took this bit and Ideconstructed it until it was
sad.

Matt (41:51):
See, this is the problem of starting a bit where you
don't know where you're going.
Sometimes you end up at a smallcasket.
Sometimes that bit ends upburied with the same year.

Eric (42:13):
Year to year.
Oh man, it's like Pet Semataryof Bits.

Matt (42:19):
You know the scene Pet.

Eric (42:19):
Sematary where he's like pet cemetery of bits.
You, you know the scene petcemetery where he's like I'll
kill you and then fire and thengets knocked over and it's the
sample and you did that I didn'tdo that.

Matt (42:26):
I gave the scientific answer.
You told me we weren't allowedto give any more knowledge, and
then you started talking aboutdead babies.

Eric (42:34):
I didn't even bring the D word babies into this.
Yes, you did, Eric.

Matt (42:40):
Yes, you did when you were babies in this you were the
first one to mention.
You whittled down that stickuntil the only thing left was
dead babies have much like myrelationship to certain
substances.
I merely implied it heavilyrepeatedly yes, yes, you are a

(43:02):
degenerate.

Eric (43:03):
I am.
So all that to sayscientifically no, it won't be
the same blood.

Matt (43:09):
But philosophically, now, where I thought you might go
with.
This is philosophically, though.
Could you be saying like oh,he's my blood, like from that
respect.

Eric (43:22):
Oh, like blood is thicker than water, sort of thing.

Matt (43:25):
Blood is blood.
Blood is as blood does.
As Forrest Gump said, Blood isas blood does.
Blood in blood out, yeah likehe's got the shea blood in him.
You know what I mean.
You got the shea blood in bloodout.
Yeah, like forrest gump, he'sgot the shea blood in him you
know what I mean.
You got the shea blood in theshea blood in him.
Yeah, that got that shea dog.
You got that dog in him.
But you know what I'm saying,though you're saying like, oh,

(43:46):
he's blood.
You know you're talking aboutyour father, whatever you know,
like that kind of relationshipto blood where you're saying
like, oh, we are the same, eventhough on a molecular level
you're fucking not.

Eric (44:03):
But as far as the Red Cross is concerned, yes, you
always got the same blood.
You bleed solid gold and theywant it.
They do.
They do want it.
Yes, want it, they do, they dowant it.
Yes, I think I do bleedstraight up, like on obtainium,
because I donated blood yearsago and like since the red cross

(44:24):
has never.
I give blood every year.

Matt (44:26):
they never stop hounding no, they never stop hounding and
I give blood regularly.
Now because I think I've talkedabout this in the show because
of the blood disorder, quickclarification from editor Matt
for the non-Yadaft giants Italked about it on Oops All
Tangents.

Eric (44:44):
Oh there, it is Sorry you dropped this.
I dropped it, yes.

Matt (44:46):
I have to.
I used to have to getphlebotomies like every couple
of months, where they take myblood and they literally throw
it in the trash.
But the Red Cross has sincechanged their policies about my
blood disorder, which is calledhemochromatosis.
By the way, it's not a seriousthing really, it's just gross.
It's just I got too much ironin my blood so once I got my

(45:09):
iron levels down, the Red Crossnow accepts my blood, which is
great.
So instead of throwing my bloodin the trash, I now donate the
blood which I feel better about.
But the trade-off there is theRed Cross.
He emails me and texts me allthe fucking time.

Eric (45:25):
Matthew, give us more.

Matt (45:28):
We notice you have not donated recently, the minimum
amount of days have passed.
Matthew, please.

Eric (45:35):
Oh, please, please, give in to your dark desires.

Matt (45:39):
We are going into Bill Scar's God's Nosferatu a little
bit now.
Yep, oh, yes, bring him to me.
Oh, the delicious, scrumptious.
Oh, yes, the delightful bloodat the nectar of the gods.

Eric (45:56):
Oh, matthew, you're so hydrated, it's good for the
blood.
So, in conclusion, inconclusion, scientifically no,
philosophically probably also no, but epistemologically speaking

(46:19):
, ahuza Mwansi who can say?

Matt (46:30):
I think we leave it right there.
I don't want to say we nailedit, oh, but we fucking.

Eric (46:37):
Yeah, we did, though you know.
Much like donating blood orMatt Shea treating his blood
disease, we drew it out.

Matt (46:45):
We drew it out and we gave it to someone else.

Eric (46:50):
Yep there you go.
We hand it to you here.
This is your burden now I giveit to you.

Matt (46:56):
You're welcome, Eric.
It's time that we get into asegment we haven't visited in a
hot minute Local legends Into asegment we haven't visited in a
hot minute Local legends.
Eric, would you like to gofirst with your local legend or
would you like me to go firstwith my local?

Eric (47:15):
legend.
I will go first, all right, andthis is a.
I dove in on a local legendthat was submitted to us through
our Discord.
Hello, on the Discord discord,one of my other bestest friends,
uh dj joey g, uh recommendedthe snellygaster and that is a

(47:37):
maryland cryptid.
Yes, this was very attractive tome because I had not heard of
this before yeah, so in americanfolklore, and I'm pulling from
wikipedia, please donate, loveof god, donate love of christ,
donate today jesus um.
In american folklore, thesnallygaster is a bird, reptile,

(47:59):
chimera originating in thesuperstitions of early german
immigrants, later combined withsensationalistic newspaper
reports of the monster.
So early sightings of thisbeast happened in Frederick,
maryland.

Matt (48:14):
Hello.

Eric (48:15):
In our own backyard, especially in the areas of South
Mountain, braddock Heights andthe Middletown Valley, to give
you some background, give ussome background, baby.
A whole bunch of Germans cameto settle in Maryland in the
1730s and early accountsdescribe the community being
terrorized by a monster called aSchnellegeist.

Matt (48:37):
Oh Wörther, the Schnellegeist is here amongst
the crabs.

Eric (48:42):
Oh ja, ja, das ist Schnellegeist.
Oh yeah yeah, das ist schnellerGeist, which means quick ghost
in German Fast Quick ghost, bert.
So like Sie fasten spooky.

Matt (49:02):
Sie fasten, spooky parten.
Spooky Spooky, it's Vin Diesel.
Yeah, the Boston's the quickensthe spooky, oh, it's Boo.

Eric (49:17):
Sane bolt had to reach down deep, so so sorry to
distract you from your scriptBack to it.
The Snallygaster was describedas half reptile, half bird,
having a metallic beak linedwith razor sharp teeth.

(49:39):
This is my favorite part, ohgood.
Occasionally alongsideoctopus-like tentacles.
Occasionally.
Occasionally alongsideoctopus-like tentacles Boop
Occasionally.

Matt (49:49):
Occasionally, not always.
What the fuck do you mean?

Eric (49:51):
occasionally.
How does that happen?
How are you sleeping on thesetentacles?
How many?

Matt (49:56):
of these species?
Have you observed that you knowsome got them, some don't?

Eric (50:02):
Oh, mama, papa, maja faja, I saw a schnallegeist.
Schnallegeist ja, Does it havetentacles?

Matt (50:13):
Nein, nein, not today.
It had nine tentacles, you sayGustav.

Eric (50:19):
Mother.
Mother please, I could havedied.
I could have died.

Matt (50:26):
Mother.

Eric (50:26):
But yeah, occasionally, octopus like tentacles, uh, it
would swoop silently from thesky to pick up and carry off its
victims.
Uh, the earliest stories claimthat this monster sucked the
blood of its victims.
Uh, seven pointed stars, whichreputedly kept the Snallygaster

(50:47):
at bay, can still be seenpainted on local barns.
Spooky In the 19th century, ithas been suggested.
The legend was resurrected inthe 19th century to frighten
freed slaves.
So let me tell you this, allright.

Matt (51:04):
Bits, got to see you out of the room here for a second.
No, no, no no, no, bits, bitsstay on the line.
Oh, bits, come back in.
Eric's going to make bits aboutracism, this absolute.

Eric (51:18):
Resurrected to frighten freed slaves.
We're talking about people wholived through the scariest
fucking thing imaginable.
I garing goddamn t you.
That's what they wanted you to.
They're like oh that, yeah, nothat, oh, we're definitely.
Oh, yeah, no.
That scares the shit out of ustotally oh, oh.

(51:40):
And it sometimes has tentacles.
You say franz.

Matt (51:43):
Sometimes oh yeah real fucking scary.

Eric (51:46):
No, yeah, that's.
Uh, that'll do it.
So, yeah, you, you keep on.
You.
Keep on that.
That.
That that's got it.
Yeah, that's like that.
No, they were fucking with you.
They were fucking with you.
Anyone who sincerely believedthat people who lived through
chattel slavery could be scaredof your German bird lizard with

(52:10):
sometimes tentacles, that youkept at bay with a Christmas
ornament?
I guess yes.

Matt (52:19):
Once you've dealt with the horror that is man, a sometimes
tentacled beast is nothing.
Yeah, I'll tell you what it isit's calamari.

Eric (52:29):
calamari, that's it uh, but yeah, snallygaster is this
snallygaster.
Yeah, oh, it also apparentlylearned from frederick the
snallygaster of frederick yeah Idon't think it was
snallygasters that were scaringthe freed slaves in Frederick.

Matt (52:47):
I highly doubt that.
No, there were far more viciousbeasts.

Eric (52:52):
Probably the very up until recently slave owners.
That scared them.
Fun fact Snallygaster appearsas a boss fight in Blair Witch,
Volume 2, the Legend of CoffinRock.

Matt (53:05):
Excuse the fuck out of me, there's a Blair Witch video
game first of all.
Coffin Rock.
Excuse the fuck out of me,there's a Blair Witch video game
first of all.

Eric (53:09):
There's two of them Two, there is two of them.
Whoa and Snallygaster is a boss, which means there's levels.
Well, slap me silly.
So, oh, I'm sorry.
In 2017 edition of JK Rowling'sFantastic Beasts, and when to
Find them, incorporated theSnallygaster JK.

Matt (53:31):
Get my Snallygaster out your fucking mouth, stealing our
Snallygaster, stealing our shit.

Eric (53:37):
How dare you, how fucking dare you Go back to being angry
on Twitter?
How fucking get you can go fuckNot my Snallyg fucking get you
can go fuck my snelly gaster,you can go fuck, you can go fuck
.

Matt (53:51):
So yeah, it's snelly gaster.
That's the snelly gaster, is it?

Eric (53:55):
yeah, scary to germans and literally no one else.
Thank you, thank you.

Matt (54:00):
thank you for uh, thank you for sharing and thank you,
dj joe g, for submitting yourlocal legend, as I encourage all
of you to do.
We would love to do the locallegends that are truly from our
local communities and shine abigger light on them.

(54:20):
This might be old news to someof our audience because, after
all, I actually first heardabout this local legend last
fall through other podcasts, asI'll mention, but it might not
be news to you, eric, and itmight not be news, or it might

(54:43):
be news to you.
You might not have heard ofthis.
I guarantee I probably haven't.
Does the name piss bandit meananything to you, eric?

Eric (54:50):
Matthew, you tell me more words right this instant.

Matt (54:55):
All right, so this did get some coverage.
So if you've heard about thisbefore folks, maybe I'll go into
a little more detail.
And you are aware, for sixyears a neighborhood in Pasadena
, california, has had a problemwith one of their electrical
boxes.
Eric, oh, no, yes, the problemwas bottles of apparent urine

(55:18):
that were being left on top ofthe electrical box, and only
that specific electrical boxApparent urine.
I say apparent urine becauseAlleged piss.
I say apparent urine, becausethe bottles had all been
helpfully labeled urine.
Oh, okay, Sometimes whichthey're all handwritten in

(55:40):
Sharpie, but sometimes theystipulate human urine or HIV
positive urine, what?
Or simply have a smiley face onthem, okay.
Sometimes they stipulate humanurine or HIV positive urine what
?
Or simply have a smiley face onthem, okay.
Now these bottles of piss wouldappear in the morning and
vanish by the evening Again.
Six years For six.
This continued Years.

(56:02):
The story gained some nationalattention via TikTok last fall,
when filmmakers Grant Yansuraand Derek Milton started their
attempt to catch who they wouldeventually dub as the piss
artist.
The piss artist because theyassumed it was an art

(56:29):
installation, as the urine,which varied in color and amount
, was left unattended for hoursand was very public, so they
assumed it was not some sort ofmarinating in the sun exactly.

Eric (56:36):
They assumed it was not some sort of clean piss drop off
for drug tests or what have youyeah, something nefarious like
that oh my, because that's whereyour brain went right that my
my brain was like okay,someone's being irresponsible
with medical samples and likenope, no, no just just strap in
my friend jars of alleged piss.

Matt (56:57):
So the two took it upon themselves to get to the bottom
of this eric and they installeda trail camera next to this
electrical box to catch thatpiss baby to catch the pisser in
the act, but instead, all totheir surprise, eric, all they
got was a latex, gloved arm,reaching over the wall behind

(57:21):
the electrical box, just out ofsight of the camera, leaving the
piss in the dead of night, 4 amto be exact.
The wall that separates Millertime the wall in question, by
the way, is separating thestreet from an adjacent highway,
so the implication here is thisguy's pulling over on a highway
, crawling over to this wall,behind this specific electrical

(57:44):
box, and then arranging hismaterials In his Pontiac, his
purple Pontiac Grand Am.
We can assume it was a PontiacGrand Am Trunk full of piss.
So they set up.
Because this failed, they setup an additional camera and that
captured the man pouring urinefrom one bottle to another,

(58:05):
leaving them after carefullyarranging them on top of the box
and then getting the fuck outof there.

Eric (58:16):
Why would you not have your piss pre-poured?

Matt (58:18):
Why would they not be separate bottles?
Why separate bottles?

Eric (58:21):
Why separate bottles?
Why do you even?

Matt (58:24):
So Milton began tracking the days the piss appeared and
disappeared.
Only, they stopped disappearing.
More and more bottles wouldjoin Eric, along with ocean
spray stickers put on the boxitself.
Oh no, that's funny.

(58:46):
But oh no, because he wasposting these videos of the saga
online.
At this point, people beganmessaging him about their
experiences with the piss bandit.
There were others.
One person said they worked fora hazardous waste company and
they were the ones picking upand disposing of the piss.

(59:08):
If it even was piss, who cansay Funny, you should ask, which
, of course Milton felt theyneeded to find out.
So, eric, they created andstrap in for the phrase I'm
about to say Please A decoy pissbottle.
There it is, which they swappedout with another one of the

(59:32):
authentic piss bottles, and theypurchased a urine and drug test
online and sent the results toa friend of theirs who's a nurse
, who confirmed, via looking atthese results, that the liquid
was indeed urine.
Where the fuck are you?
And not only that, clean andhealthy urine at that.

Eric (59:57):
That's the most upsetting part.

Matt (59:59):
It failed the drug test.
It was completely clean.

Eric (01:00:02):
I was ready for, yeah, this guy's on bath salts.

Matt (01:00:05):
No, no, it's good to go, baby.

Eric (01:00:08):
This dude's fucking huffing everything on earth.
Nah, this pee's ready to swim.
And then also because I wascurious about there was one
labeled HIV positive piss.
I just found myself curious.
I was like what does that haveto do with?
You can't catch it from piss.
I just found myself curious.

Matt (01:00:27):
I was like what does that have to do with it?
You can't catch it from piss.
They just introduced that.
They just popped it on there.
Why the fact that this is realpiss and they only tested the
one bottle?

Eric (01:00:38):
It's real piss.

Matt (01:00:39):
How much piss.
I said, these containers varyin both color and size.
So this is notable, becausesome of the containers are, like
you know, bottles of water,gatorade size, some of them are
gallon jugs of urine.

(01:01:01):
So next they purchased anotherbetter, better, more expensive
trail camera.
Yeah, and they set that up.
Yeah, this, this, this capturedthe culprit all right, night
after night, arriving andcarefully waiting for cars to
pass so he could crawl over thewall and place urine their man

(01:01:25):
on the inside at the hazardouswaste company.
Eric, yeah, this guy's nowtexting them when they are doing
pickups so they could properlytrack when the box was clear of
all piss.
Okay, there's multiple factionsnow involved in this.
Yeah, it was then that theydecided that the man must be

(01:01:46):
some sort of performance artist.
So they, knowing that an artistwants to be interviewed more
than anything else this is theirlogic, not mine they left
questions on a poster board thatthey hid beyond the wall,
presumably in a place where onlythe pisser would see.
Okay, in an attempt tointerview the artist.

(01:02:07):
But, eric, instead of answeringthe questions, the board the
sandwich board of questionstipped the culprit off that
there was a reason to lookaround.
He saw the camera and he stoleit.
And not only that, they werepissed, nice Eric.

(01:02:28):
Not only that the pisserstopped leaving piss, but they
thought through this?

Eric (01:02:32):
What did he start leaving?

Matt (01:02:34):
Nothing.
They stopped, but the camera thecamera had a GPS, eric, so
whenever it got turned on againthey'd get coordinates.
And days later it was turned onvery briefly.
So briefly, it was too short togive exact coordinates, but it
was facing the ocean which is,at least according to these

(01:02:55):
folks, at least 20 miles fromPasadena at best what the fuck.
But it wasn't on long enough toget that exact location, like I
said.
But it came on again a few dayslater and now it was in San
Diego.
What the fuck?
126 miles from Pasadena is SanDiego, oh my god.

(01:03:17):
Two weeks after the camera cameonline at San Diego, the piss
returned to the box.
So they decided it was time toget personal.
They put a camera, a new camerathat they could talk through.
They put it above the box, Ithink in a tree, so that they

(01:03:37):
could talk to the pisser.
So the plan was on the money.
The pisser was caught in theact and looked directly at the
camera when they were like heybro, what are you doing?
But he had a ski mask on, eric.
Not only that, but he now had ashirt on that said volunteer on
the back.

(01:03:58):
So instead, but instead oftalking to them, eric, he stole
the camera Eric, he stole thenew camera.
Okay, see when you the camerahe stole the new camera.

Eric (01:04:08):
Yep, okay, see, when you described it, I thought it was
like oh, they clearly put it uplike out of reach.

Matt (01:04:13):
Oh, they did, he crawled up there.

Eric (01:04:14):
Oh, they thought they did.

Matt (01:04:15):
He crawled up.

Eric (01:04:16):
He got to the camera.

Matt (01:04:18):
That man's got healthy piss.

Eric (01:04:19):
There's nothing he can't do.

Matt (01:04:20):
No, it's at this point, eric, that the city got involved
.
Having seen these videos, thecity installed a metal pyramid
on top of the box so nothingmore can be placed on it, and
that, eric, was the end of thepiss, bandit piss, or at least

(01:04:42):
it would have been had thebandit not destroyed the pyramid
and continued to leave bottlesof urine on top of his
electrical box there are imagesyou can see the shattered
remains of the metal pyramid,replaced by bottles of urine.

Eric (01:05:04):
I am Ozymandipus.
Now Look upon my works, yemighty in despair.

Matt (01:05:11):
But the city said, okay, well, fair play.
But they replaced it with areal heavy-duty cover that
covered the whole goddamn boxand it wasn't just a little
shoddy pyramid like weldedtogether at the top.

Eric (01:05:26):
This one had fucking, this one had girth.

Matt (01:05:29):
Exactly this one had heft.
So not only that, but thedamage was already done as the
story gained more and morecoverage from local news outlets
.
The New York Post ran a storyon it and, like I said, on
various podcasts I heard thisfor the first time on last
podcast on the left and thenlater on Conan O O'Brien needs a
friend.
Fans began visiting the box,eric taking pictures, searching

(01:05:55):
for clues involving themselves.

Eric (01:05:57):
Yep.
So this is how religions getformed.

Matt (01:06:00):
It's safe to say the the spot had, so to speak, been
blown.
The chicken had pissed the coop.
The chicken had indeed pissedthe coop, and you know the
filmmakers, of course extensivecoverage on their TikToks, and
so the piss, eric, finally, lastOctober, dried up, god.

(01:06:21):
Now I have no idea the state ofthis electrical box, given the
horrible, horrific eventshappening in Pasadena with the
fires and everything now, but asfar as I know, there has been
no further sightings of the pissbandit.
But, folks, if you see anelectrical box out there in the

(01:06:43):
Los Angeles area and it hasbottles of different colored
piss on it, you might be the newtarget audience for the piss
bandit.

Eric (01:06:58):
A world out of sight, out of mind.

Matt (01:07:02):
Absolutely.
So that's what.
I have for you, eric, that's thepiss bandit.
Gee, oh, mike, matthew, he's alegend.
We don't know him.
We don't know him absolutely.
So that's what I have for you,eric.
That's the piss bandit.
Gee, oh my matthew, he's alegend.
We don't know him, we don'tknow to give any piss bandit.

Eric (01:07:13):
I'm just throwing this out there piss bandit.
If you can hear my voice,please let us interview you for
the podcast.
How funny would it be if thesepeople spent all this time and
money trying to catch you andtalk to you and then you just
showed up on this fuckingpodcast recycling content and,

(01:07:34):
like you always do, and you andyou chose us to be your prophet,
we'll change your voice.
We'll disguise it.
God, we will do anything toensure your anonymity.

Matt (01:07:48):
Yes, your secret is safe with us.

Eric (01:07:51):
Oh, my God, yes.

Matt (01:07:52):
Eric, I think that'll about do it.
I think that'll about do it.
On that absolute urine-soakednote for this episode of you
Didn't Ask For this.
As Eric already mentioned, wedo have a Patreon.
We'd love you to join it.
$1 a month gets you access toour Discord.
$4 a month gets you our monthlybonus episodes Oops, all
tangents as well as 20% merch inperpetuity on our merch store

(01:08:17):
at youdidntaskforthiscom slashmerch.
You don't need Sorry,youdidntaskforthiscom slash shop
.
You do not need to join thepicture round to buy some merch.
So go to.
You didn't ask for this dot comslash shop.
Buy.
I'm wearing the hoodie rightnow.
Actually not, I didn't evenplan that.

Eric (01:08:35):
Uh, so I've got the question hoodie on someone at
mag fest was wearing a a ya dafthoodie.
It was one of one of our, oneof one of, and who also.
Well, I was wearing the Udafhoodie and also was listening to
the show.

Matt (01:08:50):
Yeah, they just happened to buy one.
What the fuck.

Eric (01:08:53):
Hi, Faith yes.

Matt (01:08:56):
Faith.
We're going to have you on theshow, don't you worry.
Oh my God, yes, you're going tobe a guest.
You didn't even expressinterest, but I'm making it
happen.
But we do need your questions,folks.
Submit them to us.
You didn't ask for thiscomslash shop.
That's the wrong thing, eric.
I'm losing steam here.
It's okay, we both didn't sleepyesterday.

Eric (01:09:15):
Yep, we're still catching up.
It's okay, I'll hold your hand.

Matt (01:09:17):
You didn't ask for this at gmailcom.
You can email them to us.
You can also give it to us AnyDM.
We are on instagram, we're onblue sky, we're on tiktok, we're
all over the place.
So give us those questions.
We'll answer them.
We'll all have a great timeit'll be an amazing time babies.
Uh, and of course, the thoughtline.

(01:09:39):
If you wish to leave us avoicemail, like mike perry jr
did, you can do one at410-929-5329.

Eric (01:09:48):
Eric did I miss anything with the business?
No, not well spake.
Oh, one last bit of business.

Matt (01:09:53):
We are recording this.
Just after Groundhog Day.
There was no assassinationattempt on the life of Pax Tani
Phil, who did of course predictsix more weeks of winter.
Now I'm marking it on red in mybingo card.
So if you have it on your bingocard I'd say you should mark it

(01:10:20):
in red.
But hey, I never stipulated itwould happen on Groundhog Day,
no, so it could flip to greenstill, but God forbid it does.

Eric (01:10:28):
Yeah, no, we don't want that and obviously we have.
Matt and I had this discussion.
We have marked the square.
We're claiming this one TikToksaved within 24 hours of closing
yes.

Matt (01:10:43):
I don't want to talk about the circumstances of how it was
saved Fuck the God damn.
Let's not discuss that but itwas technically saved.
It was a freebie if yousubmitted it your card by the
deadline of January 31st, whichmany of you do A new record
number of submissions this year.
So thank you for doing that.
We're having a lot of funplaying these annual bingo.

(01:11:06):
What a fun tradition westumbled into.

Eric (01:11:08):
Eric, what a delight.
Much like Malort in front of aFerris wheel.
Yeah, just like it.

Matt (01:11:13):
Same thing, just exact same thing, moral equivalent.
Should we end the episode now?
We should, absolutely so fromall of us here.
You didn't ask for this.

Eric (01:11:20):
My name's Matt Shea shay, my name's eric poach, and listen
, you didn't ask, but ozzy manps I should have.
That's like earlier when I saidI said ozzy man d d piss,
uh-huh, that's.
That's way too much effort onthe articulate ozzy man ps.
You got it on the second try,eric I got it.
I couldn't second try because Ithought of it, I knew it.

(01:11:43):
The second I said ozzymandipiss.
I was like that's nothing.

Matt (01:11:46):
I think I complimented your wit.

Eric (01:11:49):
And there's someone out there listening to my voice
right now who, like as soon as Isaid that, has been screaming.
Eric, that email's been sent.
Oh my God, I'm getting.
They're blowing me up, they'reblowing you up, eric, but
Ozymandi piss, thank you.
I'm sorry and thank you, andalso with you and with your

(01:12:09):
spirit, and with your spirit, ohHa ha, Great, thank you.