114 | May Your Rootin' Always Be Tootin'

The wait is over (if it ever started)...the fifth season of Google Gripes has arrived! Matt gets the ball rolling with another set of 1-star Google reviews for well-known movies, but first: when people say 'that's right up my alley'...what street is that alley off of? Where have all the cowboys gone? And what should Effin' Cultured do for their next roast episode? Yeah, that's right, we're not the only podcast that suckers its audience into providing their content!

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Episode Transcript

Eric (00:00):
Well, let me, let me hit you with this, let me hit you
with this one One.
I'll leave you with this.
Ok, as we're talking aboutworkplace snafus and faux pas,
employee Appreciation Day.
Employee Appreciation Day wentdown in fucking history where I
work Because this happened.
This happened like a year ortwo before I joined the company

(00:23):
and it was a horrifying thing tolearn Just having gotten hired
there.
Sure, every year they have,they would have employee
appreciation day where thecompany would cater for everyone
and like and like, spring forlike, actually good like I was
gonna say are we talking about?
a pizza party.
No, no, no.
Like actual catering andeveryone would get together in a
big area and you get to eatfree food.

(00:43):
Cool Matt, one year people showup, they start slamming down
grilled meats and sundrydelicious edibles.

Matt (00:54):
Edibles.
What a company.
I know that 401 Kush.
Now, this is a benefit packagematt, matt, yeah, everyone,
everyone eats.

Eric (01:11):
They get back to their desks and about 20 of the
company finds out that they'vebeen laid off no fucking way.
Yeah, dog they.
Because someone in executiveleadership thought is like well,
no, they'll that, like you knowthey'll.
Uh, they'll be in a better moodabout it if they're well-fed
and stuff when they get back.

Matt (01:28):
Matt Little did they know they were eating their severance
package?
Oh dog, oh my Matt and thisisn't recent though this is no,
no, no, no.
This is historical.

Eric (01:38):
This was like fucking, probably 15 years ago at this
point, probably 15 years ago atthis point, matt, the backlash
was biblical.
Oh, of course, the people incharge of it were disciplined.
Fucking the.
The morale plummeted.
The company issued likeapologies and shit to the rest
of the, the people who had stillhad their jobs.

(01:59):
And then matt, yeah, and thenMatt, the next year they did it
again.
They did it again.

Matt (02:05):
Oh my God, and how far removed are we from this at this
point?
Probably like 14 years.
Oh, okay, it was a long timeago.
It was a long time ago.

Eric (02:18):
Yeah, okay, I thought this was a Mississippi minute ago.

Matt (02:22):
Oh my God, that is true, because right now, in today's
climate, in today's economy,that'd be viral news.

Eric (02:31):
Oh yeah, this was pretty.
Yeah, that should be all overTikTok.
Oh.
So all that to say kids, nosuch thing as a free luncheon,
no such thing as a free luncheonin the workplace.
No, your surveys are notanonymous, your feedback is not
anonymous, and when they bringyou to the all hands and tell
you all as well, dust up yourresume, dust up your resume.

Matt (02:56):
Wow, eric, that is a shocking tale of employee
appreciation and I'll be honest,I think I'm going to let the
audience just guess what thefirst 13 minutes of this cold
open was.
I think we go here and leave itas a mystery.
Well, hello everybody, andwelcome to you.

(03:35):
Didn't Ask for this.
It's the podcast that answerslife's least pressing questions
and cuts off half of the openingsegment.
My name's Matt Shea.
My name's Eric Poach.

Eric (03:46):
Eric Poach, how are you Enjoying this fucking beautiful
dreary weather?
We're in that time of year inMaryland where it seems to only
want to rain on the weekend.

Matt (04:00):
Well, we, yeah, we just went through the second spring,
which is, of of course, thespring of deception.
Yes, um, it lasts about a week.
Everybody forgets that it's thespring of deception before it
comes crashing back down.
Earlier this week it was 30fucking degrees again.
Yep, out of nowhere.

Eric (04:19):
Trees are blooming, flowers are popping up, the
grass is growing 30 degrees,maryland is is just in whiplash
it takes it spring, edges youyes, in maryland, yes, it takes
three false springs beforeactual spring arrives in
maryland I I remember one year II got went camping and I made

(04:45):
the mistake of doing it infucking like March, April time
Got to really pay attention tothe weather forecast.

Matt (04:51):
if you're camping, then At night.

Eric (04:54):
I remember one night it got down to like 20 degrees.
I had to sleep in my car, itwas so cold.
And then the next day, as allgreat, as Bear Grylls is known
to do, and then the next day, asall great as Bear Grylls is
known to do, the next day I wasin shorts and a t-shirt and I
got a sunburn.

Matt (05:10):
Yeah, that's Marilyn.
That's Marilyn, baby Rightthere.

Eric (05:12):
Speaking of which, do you watch Celebrity Bear Hunt?
You mentioned Bear Grylls.

Matt (05:17):
No, I don't Bro do you know the premise?
I'm going to guess, basedsolely on what you just said.
It is a bunch of celebritiesbeing dumped in the woods with
Bear Grylls and trying to findBear Grylls.

Eric (05:32):
You're not far off.
Okay, like you're not, you gotsurprisingly close.

Matt (05:38):
It's the most dangerous game without the most dangerous
game.
So here's what it is.

Eric (05:44):
Bunch of British celebrities Okay, celebrities,
okay with bear grills, on anisland.
Love it, uh, wilderness island.
He is teaching them survivaland survival skills.
In fact, a couple of taskmasteruh one of the one of the uh
contestants was on taskmaster ohgreat, okay, he teaches them
things.
They have to compete insurvival challenges.
If they fail the challenge, theteam that loses the challenge

(06:08):
gets sent to the bear pit.
Matthew, the bear pit is agigantic 100-acre compound that
is fenced off and you get placedin the bear pit, in which there
are only four exits, and youhave to get out of the bear pit.

(06:31):
Meanwhile, bear grills isactively hunting you throughout
the bear.
It's fucking amazing.
What happens when he finds you?
When he finds it basicallyturns into extreme tag, like he
has to catch you and restrainyou and then like you're and
then, if he does, you face thepossibility of being eliminated

(06:54):
from the show okay.

Matt (06:55):
First of all, if bear grills tackles you in the woods,
you should be eliminated.

Eric (06:59):
I feel I I watched bear grills.
See, see guy, a haplesscontestant, this dude, I was
watching him.
I'm like you're never going to,you're done, you're cooked.
He's like he's just not havinga good time.
And while he's like trompingthrough the woods, bear Grylls
is up on like a fucking ridgeand like he's like oh, I found

(07:21):
him.
Oh there, he is there, he is.
Oh, he's approaching one.
Bear grill sets traps.
There's there.
He has like the classic net,net lifting trap.
He is like he sets up.
He has like zip lines and shitup in the trees.
Matt, this man goes like crest,like a little ridge in the

(07:42):
forest and then you just hearbear grills shout his name
lawrence and just comes ziplining from the heavens lawrence
, I found you and normallythere's like a fucking, there's
like a chase, and lawrence justgives up immediately.
He's like fucking, put me out ofmy misery, take me home just

(08:05):
take me, bear, take me, don'tyou move lawrence.
That's my favorite quote.

Matt (08:10):
Don't you move, lawrence oh my god, you gotta watch it.
I might need to check out this.
This extreme bear hunt it'scalled uh, celebrity bear hunt
it fucking rules that?
That does sound quitedelightful.

Eric (08:27):
Yeah, oh so that's how I'm doing oh yeah, I see, I see.

Matt (08:31):
Well, eric, I'll tell you what.
We have quite the show for theaudience on tap today.
Not only do we have some goodquestions, we have the new
season of Google gripe.
We're going back to the cinemafor another movie edition of
Google gripes, so I haveprepared the first round for you

(08:53):
, eric.
We will get to that.
We will get to that at the end.
But first, eric, I'm lookingdown here at the uh, the thought
line, alert light that I keepon my desk at all times.

Eric (09:05):
Yeah, yeah.
He's saying we got a message.

Matt (09:08):
Oh my God, it's saying it's pressing, and by that I
mean it's, it's.
It's been sitting in thevoicemail for a few weeks, so
here we go.
Hey, you didn't ask for this,folks.
This is your old friends.

Eric (09:18):
This is my question is when people say that's right up
my alley, what street is thatalley off of?

Matt (09:27):
Thank, you have a great day.
Short sweet Steve to the point,that didn't make any sense.

Eric (09:35):
Steve-less in Seattle Didn't make any goddamn sense
what I just said.

Matt (09:37):
Yeah, but I'll, yes, and that Steve-less in Seattle.
Good to hear from you, good tohear your dulcet, I truly.

Eric (09:44):
and Matt, I think you could agree with me here.

Matt (09:48):
Let's find out when you think the word dulcet Steve was
in.

Eric (09:50):
Seattle.
Yeah, that voice is dulcet.

Matt (09:53):
I think I'd like that voice on a call map.
Yes, just reading me a story.

Eric (10:01):
If I'm on the tram and then a voice is coming over to
tell me about some landmark thatthe tram is passing, I want
that to be Steve Bliss inSeattle's voice.

Matt (10:10):
Absolutely, I think so, and Steve Bliss has brought what
is sort of a timeless questionto us about the alleys, and what
alley it's up.
So what jumps to mind?
For you, for me, yeah, for you.

Eric (10:23):
If something's right up my alley, yeah, it's off easy
street, baby, it's off easystreet what did I?
Say what did I always tell you,matt?
easy street and fucking that'swhen something is right when
someone every time I use thephrase oh, that's right up my
alley is when someone isdescribing something to me that

(10:43):
just drips with comfort andself-care.
When someone's like yeah, Imean like, we go to this thing.
We're like you know, I go to aspa in hershey and they give us
all the hot chocolate we want,I'm like that is right up my
alley, that is my alley and thatalley happens to be off of
chocolate avenue chocolateavenue which is a real street,

(11:08):
which is, of course, a realstreet in there.

Matt (11:10):
She does wait oh, of course it is yes, oh, my god, I
am in need of a spa day, as itturns out, having only been a
few months removed from my firstand only one damn, I need
another one.

Eric (11:22):
I, I, I still.
I think I've thought about itso much since you brought it up
and I want it, I want you shouldgo to that spot and we one day
should do a.

Matt (11:31):
You daft, and afraid in this spot we have to find us, we
have to find a spot that'll letus do it, but oh yes, and then
we do it.
I don't know if that'll you dadaft and relaxed.
Don't get excited listeners.
That might not ever happen,although I will say the Discord
has been going off with wherethere should be some suggestions

(11:54):
.
Oh the suggestions have beenballer when we should go for
number three.
And I think it's safe to say wewill not be waiting a whole year
.
Three will come a lot fasterthan two did.

Eric (12:06):
Yeah, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Matt (12:08):
But we're here to talk about alleys, not talk about you
, daft and frayed through.

Eric (12:13):
Thank you, Matt.
And Matt, can I ask you a sortof clarification to this
question?

Matt (12:19):
Sure, I didn't ask it, but absolutely.

Eric (12:22):
Describe me, describe to me your ideal alley, because
this is my alley.
When it's up, my alley, oh,that's a good.

Matt (12:30):
Eric, that's a good angle to go.

Eric (12:32):
Talk to me about your alley Matt.

Matt (12:34):
Okay, I truly my alley like a good alley for me where I
would feel like feel good goinginto.
It's not I don't feel like it'san alley that really jumps to
mind, because when I think alleyI think wet, I think trash.

Eric (12:53):
Yes, dripping, dripping, trash.

Matt (12:56):
I think narrow, narrow wet trash.
I think, like between buildingsdirty, very dirty, dirty,
narrow wet trash, and should Igo down there?
You know, like that is thegeneral vibe I get from alleys
Something, scuttles Somethingscuttles.
Something is scuttling I feellike my alley yeah, talk to me

(13:18):
about it Would be like an alleybetween cottages and a
countryside.
Ooh, okay, like you turn down,but really it's like it's like
those, you see, those likeBritish neighborhoods where,
like it's all it's likecourtyards in the back, you know
it's everyone's yard is backingup to each other, but there's
like a little alley going downthe middle.

(13:40):
That, I feel like, is my alley,cause you walk by people, it's
all it's.
It's all gardens and it's notcarports, it's.
It's not a traffic alley, nofoot alley it's a foot alley.
It's where a lot of pie windowslet out into every single house
on my alley has a pie cooling inthe window, Every single one of

(14:02):
them.
There's also a good like areading spot in every single
backyard you know, it's allthere.
Somebody's maybe grilling Maybe.
Maybe, At the end of the alleythere's a fire pit.

Eric (14:19):
Oh, my God Matt.

Matt (14:20):
There's a fire pit at the end of the alley and it's all
green.
And what's scuttling in thisalley?
Eric, I'll tell you Rabbits,squirrels, chickens, maybe a
chicken, maybe a chicken.

Eric (14:33):
And you know all the chickens.
So you know like, oh, what areyou doing, Theodore?

Matt (14:38):
And then, at the very end, it backs up to a nice little
field Sheep, sheep, sheep, sheep, sheep for days, sheep and one
goat named Edgar.

Eric (14:47):
Damn.

Matt (14:48):
Yeah, that's my alley man, that's my alley and maybe for
no reason I'm going to throw ina butler.

Eric (14:55):
Yes, the butler of the alley or a groundskeeper?

Matt (14:59):
Yes, Actually I like that better.
Forget the butler, you get anice groundskeeper.

Eric (15:05):
The groundskeeper is the butler's brother.

Matt (15:07):
He's stern but friendly, always has a useful bit of
wisdom, a sweet for the kids.
He's got a bit of wisdom, butif you mess with him he's going
to give you a stern talking to.

Eric (15:19):
Oh yeah.

Matt (15:19):
Don't mess with his hedges .
Don't mess with his hedges.
But he's who keeps it cozy.
He Don't mess with his hedges.
Don't mess with his hedges, buthe's who keeps it cozy.
He's who keeps everything youknow.
He's way more stressed than heneeds to be.

Eric (15:31):
Yeah, do you know that one hobbit in Lord of the Rings
when they're all at the PrancingPony?
And or was it the Green Dragon?
I think it was the Green Dragon.

Matt (15:40):
Don't get caught up in there.

Eric (15:41):
It's the bar of the hobbits hangout, but one of the
hobbits hang out, but one of thehobbits is pointing his pipe
jocusingly at at samwise gamgeeand they're talking like now.

Matt (15:53):
Don't go following trouble .
No trouble will follow you.

Eric (15:54):
Yes, that is exactly the vibe that's the vibe that's the
vibe, yeah, but you know, likein a heartbeat, when the shit
hits the fan, he's stepping up,he's the.

Matt (16:01):
Yeah, if the.
When the children run past him,he's always like I told you
kids not to run, but he makes noeffort to stop them no,
goodness no no, no, no god badfor his knees he can't.
He's got to go tend to thesheep yeah, he's got to tend to
the sheep.
What a good alley that's myalley, eric, describe to me your
alley buckle up.

Eric (16:21):
Oh, matt, I am my alley.
I love, I love an alley that'sgotta.
There's stories going on inthat alley.
Yeah, like you, it's like the,you're, you, the alleys.
You look down and it it twistsand turns and matt, like there's
, there's steam coming out ofvents.

Matt (16:43):
It is so wet, it is so wet , oh it is wet, it's like a city
alley, then it's like a cityalley, but imagine like mossy
mossy alley Mossy, matt, likelots of low doors, like a lot of
like there's businesses downthis alley, like all like the
low little tea houses.
Okay, so are we talking footbased alley again, or yes, oh?

Eric (17:08):
it is a, it is a foot, but you can maybe, maybe get like a
one of those like tricyclebikes that that has like a wagon
on the back for you to loadyour produce into.
You can get like one of thoseinto this alley maybe.
Oh, you can hear it.
You can hear the alley.

Matt (17:26):
Wait, you want to keep the police siren in in your alley.

Eric (17:30):
That's off in the distance .
It's setting the ambience.

Matt (17:34):
Oh, the ambience, the ambience.
See, I don't want that.
I want that ambience as faraway from my alley as possible.
That's fair.
But where am I?

Eric (17:43):
alley You're absolutely right like I'm imagining like a
very almost like cyber punk,like not cyber punky, but very,
uh, blade runner coded, sort oflike low, like like it.
This is an alley that isbustling most at night when all

(18:04):
of like the little lanterns comeout over the doors of the
businesses and they have to belit, they have to, they have to
be lit, they are lit, they arecandle lit lanterns.

Matt (18:13):
I was gonna say not even gas.

Eric (18:14):
It's got to be candle lit 100% there's.
There's street peddlers.
There's like fucking like food.
You get street food.
There's like little, all thelittle spots where, like you
will never find them on GoogleMaps.
You have to be told about themand like show up like the places
that are open between midnightand 7 am.
Okay, all right, that is.

(18:35):
This is where you come to getyour mogwai.
This is where you come to getlike the fuck, to get some
mysterious relic or to like talkto a guy about a thing I feel
like someone's playing threecard monty somewhere, yes, in
the alley oh my god, there's,there's lookouts and shit.
Everywhere there's lookouts, butthe police never come no, no,

(18:57):
they know better than that.
They.

Matt (18:59):
They know better than that they know better than that.

Eric (19:02):
Yeah, and everyone's, everyone's fine, everyone's cool
.

Matt (19:05):
Everyone's cool, everyone's cool.

Eric (19:06):
The vibe of the alley is like don't bring nothing if you
don't want to start nothing.

Matt (19:10):
Everybody's cool on A-Cab Alley.

Eric (19:15):
A-Cab Alley.
Everyone's cool on A-Cab Alleybabe.

Matt (19:20):
Okay, so A-Cab Alley is what's?
The other part of this questionis what street is your alley
off of?
So a cab alley, which isdefinitely the name of your
alley now.

Eric (19:32):
Oh yeah, it is now um that's, I'm gonna say that's off
uh is it all?

Matt (19:39):
okay, let's ease into it.
Is it off a major street?
Is it off of?
It is side street.

Eric (19:45):
You got to really weave your way to this my alley is an
alley off of an alley, like itis like you're in a car alley
and then there's a second alley.
Okay, that is, I love my.
My alley is like immaculatevibes that you have to stumble
upon.

Matt (20:01):
Yes, yes, also remember stumble upon the internet, bro I
to stumble upon.
Yes, yes, also remember,stumble upon the internet.

Eric (20:05):
Bro, I miss stumble upon so much.

Matt (20:09):
Whatever happened to stumble upon?
I haven't thought about stumbleupon in 15 years.

Eric (20:13):
People stumble upon, ruled .
And then what happened is theyis that like executive realized
like, oh, we can just directpeople to where our advertisers
want them to go, and then itsucked ass.

Matt (20:26):
Same thing having a chat roulette.
After they got rid, they triedto get rid of the dicks, and
then they made it sponsored andthen no one gave a shit anymore
bring back the dicks bring backthe dicks, bring back the dick.
Oh man, in college we wouldhave like we were in prime chat
roulette time.
Oh my God, Because we wouldjust fire up a laptop and throw

(20:47):
down some chat roulette.

Eric (20:49):
Bunch of theater kids playing chat roulette.

Matt (20:52):
Yeah, and we'd get.
When you get a jerk off video,you're just sort of like.
I remember once we were with abunch of people I don't you
weren't there, I don't think butwe were doing the chat roulette
thing.
We got somebody jerking off andwe just started giving notes
and then they switched that is afucking victory, less vain,

(21:13):
whoa whoa, whoa, slow it downtake it what's the rush.
Damn son.
You, sir, does it owe you money, my alley?
Thank you so much for asking.
It's located on.
Well, first of all.
Yeah, it's located in a smallvillage yes, it's bus ends with

(21:35):
shire, it's, it ends with shire,uh, it's, it is bustling,
there's lots of.
First of all, there are no carsbecause, of course, this
village is located on a smallisland that is only accessible
by boat.

Eric (21:51):
And it's very.
It was just designed veryintelligently.
It was designed to be walkable,like all communities should.

Matt (21:56):
It was designed to be walkable and so it's like in the
heart of town, but it's hard toget to, you know.
But and it's, it's both in theheart of town and off to the
side because of the, the pasturefor the sheep and the goat
absolutely edgar.

Eric (22:11):
The alley, your alley, I feel like, is like the water
cooler of the village, in thesense that, much like the water
cooler in the workplace, all thereal decisions get made there.

Matt (22:22):
Yes, it is the room where it happens.
Yes, Everybody the mayor liveson the street, probably, and
comes out and is just like armover the fence at some point and
four or five people get totalking and policy is decided.

Eric (22:39):
When the mayor walks down this alley, they call it
parliament.
When the mayor walks down thisalley.
They call it parliament.
When the mayor walks down thisalley like hat in hand because
he's nervous about some decisionhe has to make, and like he
comes to consult you.

Matt (22:52):
You're out there, he paces .

Eric (22:54):
Oh, he paces, he rounds the bend, comes by your fence
and he's like oh, mr Shea.

Matt (23:05):
Like trying to act like he , just like, oh I coming by and
you're like, mr mayor, mr mayor,back again so soon.
What troubles you, my?
Friend, come on and have a piedo you, would you have a minute
for me, for the mayor?
Anything for you, sir?

Eric (23:14):
everyone you can.
It's perceptible everyone inthe houses around you can feel
like windows creaking open.

Matt (23:20):
So they can windows creaking open as I say uh, you
know scotch for you, mr man, youknow oh yeah, yep, yep, yep
here you go.

Eric (23:28):
I wouldn't, but I wouldn't begrudge poor, I wouldn't
begrudge a two-finger next dooris like the husband, like
leaning, he's like oh, oh, oh,he's getting the scotch, he's
getting the scotch, he's gettingthe scotch.

Matt (23:40):
This is gonna be good.
He's gonna tell us everythingtomorrow yeah god, what a good
alley.

Eric (23:45):
My, uh, my alley, meanwhile, is it's an alley, I
would say.
It's positioned somewherebetween the docks and like the,
the, the, the city's park likeif there's like a big loan park.

(24:07):
Yeah, the city's loan park.
It is on the, it's called loanpark actually it's called loan
park.
This is.
This is where.
No, this is the tree this isthe tree tree it's very large.
It has to provide shade for thewhole city.
There's the tree, there's thebench.
Have at it have at it.

(24:29):
There is one jungle gym it's ajungle, james, actually jungle
james uh, oh man, um, in myalley is the place where you
constantly see people, becauselike it's a lot of ducking into

(24:50):
doorways.
All the doorways are low orlike set down, like you got to
go down a small flight of stepsto get like into the thing.
Yeah, and it's a lot of likethat scene in the movie where
someone comes in like they're ina cloak or whatever and they
step in and like and it's themayor like the mayor, so it's
like you know.
I can't be seen here.
Oh, Mr Mayor, come right in.

Matt (25:10):
I mean, sir Edgar, again Edgar the only name I can come
up with.

Eric (25:16):
It's a place where like and the mayor comes in and dudes
start like closing shutters anddoor, like they turn the open
sign off, like it's a mr boozesituation.
I'm like, ah, mr mayor, what isyour pleasure?

Matt (25:34):
oh, now come on eric.
You know I can't be seen as helooks over both shoulders taking
part of such for viralities.

Eric (25:43):
Of course, mr, just meet you around the back and that's
when like this is the part whereI like matt, like the dingiest
little room, like this is likeit would be a tea house.
It was like a little, a littlelittle tea room and like there's
smoke hanging in the air.
There's like, yeah, and then wego, we, we.
We go around like the counterwhere people point to, I nod to

(26:04):
someone, they nod to me and theypress a button or something,
and then it's like a door opensup and you hear a roar of a
crowd as we go into.
It's like the undergroundThunderdome, like Mr Mayor place
your bets, I dig it.
Yeah, that shit's right up myalley.

Matt (26:27):
So I think there you go, steveless in seattle.
Those are our alleys and theirrespective streets and their
respective streets and how youget to them, and all the details
you could possibly want aboutour alleys.

Eric (26:40):
Please send any fan fiction you write about our
world settings to yadaft atgmailcom.

Matt (26:48):
You didn't ask for that.
It's gmailcom.

Eric (26:50):
I'm on Twitter.
It's all right.
Eric man, I'm struggling.
It's why you don't do thebusiness.

Matt (26:54):
It's why I don't do the business.
No, and it's funny you shouldsay that because when we were
trying to come up with a coldopen, I was looking through my
ya daft ideas and at one point Iwrote down fanfic segment.
So send in your Eric and Mattfan fiction.

Eric (27:15):
And hey guys listen listen , keep it dirty.
Keep it fucking filthy.

Matt (27:21):
I want it filthy Unless it's in my alley.
None of that, none of that.
That's Eric's alley.
I want it filthy, unless it'sin my alley None of that.
None of that.
That's Eric's alley, my alley,wet oh yeah, slick, even Ooh
Moist, sliding off of it like anorca in the sea.
Now this next one, speaking ofemail, did come to us via email

(27:45):
and it comes from good friend ofthe pod, bobby, from effin
cultured bobby.
Bobby, good to hear from you.
Bobby writes, as you both know,we, they being a bit be an
effin cultured, like to do anoccasional roast over at FN
culture.
Yes, we do.
In fact we've, we've done a.
Well, I've done one and beenunable to make the next two.

(28:09):
Have you done?

Eric (28:10):
three Eric, I've done, I've done.
I did Mario, I did Santa Claus,I think I've done.
Two Was there?
There had to be a third.

Matt (28:20):
I think you might've done a third.
Okay, so he does give someexamples.
In the past they have roastedMars, the solar system, mother
Goose, various cryptids, cap'nCrunch, mario, nintendo in
general, rankin Bass, santa andfast food mascots as some of

(28:41):
their examples.
They say we try to roastcharacters or ideas that can't
get offended and usually don'texist.
It's a great time.

Eric (28:50):
Go seek out their roast episodes.

Matt (28:53):
I'm hoping, whenever this one rolls around, I'm able to do
it, particularly because theyare approaching us in what is a
real ya daft move to get thegeneral audience to come up with
their content, and I just lovethat he's not even doing it to
his show.
Is this what we've been doing?

Eric (29:13):
to people.
Yes, eric, oh, we're devious.
We're devious Underhanded.

Matt (29:20):
Oh yeah, oh yeah.
And I applaud Bobby at FNCultured for for the, for this
move, for this stratagem that hehas pulled.
Yes.
So, Eric, what do you?
Who let me just real quick offthe dome who do?

Eric (29:34):
you want to roast.
I legitimately had not come toany sort of consensus in my mind
.
I've been like thinking aboutthis so much, drawing blanks,
until I heard you reading thequestion off and I was thinking
about all my fond roast memoriesbecause Matt the key to a good
roast isn't bullshitting yourway through it until you figure
out what you're going to say.

Matt (29:55):
That, okay, primarily.

Eric (29:55):
Yeah, you're doing a great job of that but I'd say a solid
20% of it is not just, and I,eric, I got, I got, got.

Matt (30:03):
I have to interrupt you right away because I have to
tell the audience, I have to, Ihave to prep them.
You don't understand how gooderic poach is at these roasts
and I know for a fact bobby fromeffing cultured would agree
with me, I feel.
When I did my roast it waspretty good, and then eric came

(30:23):
in and blew the fucking doorsoff the place and he's done that
in every subsequent thing.
You come in with a script thatgoes so hard, that has, and like
you just launch into it thisvitriolic, beautifully worded,
shockingly offensive roast andit's really a treat.

(30:46):
So everybody go well, of course, check out Offhand Culture in
general, but check out theirroast episodes, because Eric's
really on to something when itcomes to insulting fictional
beings.

Eric (30:57):
Babe, you honor me.
I honor you and I honor thisfriendship.

Matt (31:01):
I do honor you and I don't mind saying more than I should
yeah yeah, yeah, more than it'sdeserved, that's for sure well,
now that that beautiful preamble.

Eric (31:12):
Thank you very much.
Yeah, now say your funny thinga roast isn't just about talking
shit.
Funny, no, no, no.
It's got to come from a placeof love.
That is it it's.
It has to be something youtruly like, you love and adore.
That's what makes it so funnythat you're talking so much shit
about it.
So for that I submit thefollowing okay, bilbo baggins,

(31:39):
oh, eric, you would have a timeI would eat matt well, and they
would fucking, they would haveto do the whole like fellowship
yeah, lord of the lord of therings would be the road.

Matt (31:51):
I know that's not bilbo in general, but like basically,
lord of the rings, you wouldhave such a time.
I would matt you would go for.
The only thing the the word ofcaution I'd give to you, eric,
is you might get lost in thesauce a little bit.

Eric (32:07):
I might I start dropping like Simerillion shit.

Matt (32:12):
Exactly that's exactly what I mean.
Just mentioning the word Ericproves my point.

Eric (32:17):
Yeah, when Eru begat, fuck face over here.

Matt (32:22):
See, you might get lost in the sauce.

Eric (32:25):
Another thing they could do is uh, this just occurred to
me because of the nintendoconnection because they they did
mario, but you could do justthe zelda universe, specifically
I can't remember if the mariouniverse included any from the
the zelda, the zelda sphere, Ithink, zelda, because we, we
were talking, it was kind oflike a smash brothers ask in

(32:47):
that like a lot of video gamessure in attendance.

Matt (32:50):
But there's more than just link in zelda.
Right, you can get in there,yeah and 100.

Eric (32:56):
I think a zelda roast would be phenomenal, um and
especially because, like it'stingle alone oh my god tingle
alone.

Matt (33:07):
You're going down a road that's one hell of a tingle.
Alley is not a place you wantto get caught if.
If, by the way, my alley has noname, oh, my alley doesn't need
one doesn't need one.
It's not on any map.
That goes without saying that'sgood.

Eric (33:25):
Thank you, that's good.
I I will say, if we do it likewe've done, the other roasts and
like the, the boys um from neatcast are there as well.
Mike's gotta come dressed astingle mike.

Matt (33:39):
You know what, no matter what the theme, mike is like
morally obligated to comedressed as Tingle Mike from
Needcast should.
Next time I see him, he betterbe tingled.
I apologize, I apologizeActually.
You know what.
I just pictured it.
I do not want to see it Now.

Eric (33:55):
I need it, I need it and I don't want to see it, you hate
to see it, but you love to do it.
That's what.

Matt (34:02):
I always say you know, with this rundown I'm surprised
they haven't done like Marvel,but it's a little like bleh, the
fruit is hanging pretty lowthere, it's so low.
It's a crab apple that'sfalling on the ground.

Eric (34:16):
It costs more energy to bend down and pick it up than to
just let it lie.

Matt (34:25):
I feel similarly about like, of course you, you pull
out, lord of the rings.
I feel like I should pull outback to the future, but like
there's a place of love there,but like it there's, I don't
think there's quite the fodderbecause, like, lord of the rings
has such like deep lore and youcan go anywhere.
Love back to the future.
I mean I am aware that peopleare not on my level with back.

(34:46):
You know what I mean.
Like I am aware not everybodyknows you'll be the roast fact
checker yeah, like not everybodycan tell you the name of the
homeless man that is in the timetown square.

Eric (35:01):
His name is red.

Matt (35:02):
Very good, eric, thank you very good.
His name is red red.

Eric (35:07):
Okay, not everybody, but eric can but because I think,
because I learned it from you,crazy drunk driver red.
This is the way he says red,exactly.

Matt (35:21):
Yes, um, uh, that and and God is like we'll have to draw
straws to see who gets to makethe fucking your own mom jokes
for the, because there's anevent I don't have to tell you
never happened, of course, andthe, but the gay romance between
doc and Marty, like it's just,it's been done to death, it's

(35:41):
been done to death is what I'msaying.

Eric (35:43):
It's been done to death.
I mean, all of Rick and Mortyis pretty much a roast of Back
to the Future.
Yeah.

Matt (35:48):
I mean pretty much, yeah, you know.

Eric (35:51):
Zelda.
Legend of Zelda I love.

Matt (35:54):
I think Zelda's got some real legs, james.

Eric (35:59):
Bond.
Maybe James Bond would be good,maybe, maybe.

Matt (36:04):
Maybe I'm not 100% sold on it.

Eric (36:06):
Bobby from FN Cultured If this were like five or six years
ago, I would have said HarryPotter, well, sure, I mean, but
now it's just sad.
Yeah, it's hard, there's toomuch sad around it.
Ooh, it's hard to do that nownowadays, see, and again, this

(36:26):
is someone I'd love to roast,but again it you gotta love them
.
Uh, hp, lovecraft, and that'swhere it's kind of difficult
because, I could, I could go.
I've gone on so many screedsabout lovecraft, but I don't
love the guy huh, what about?

Matt (36:37):
just like hp, lovecraft, edgar allen, poe, cthulhu,
william Faulkner, like Hemingway, like just all the like really?
I want to say for your highbrowroast, for the discerning
roaster.
For the discerning, effingcultured listener, the classic
literature roast.

Eric (36:56):
Oh yeah, comedy gold man.

Matt (36:59):
Absolutely coming Shakespeare.

Eric (37:00):
Shakespeare's pretty universal.
Shakespeare's pretty universal.

Matt (37:03):
Shakespeare's pretty universal, at least more
universal than most of thethings I've said.

Eric (37:10):
If neat cast comes, Mike's got to come dressed as
Shakespeare.

Matt (37:18):
I need to see Mike dressed as Tingle and I need to see
Mike dressed as WilliamShakespeare.
I would like to see him changemidway through to both of those
things?

Eric (37:24):
Yes, midway through.
Yes, both of those things.
Yes, for those of you listening, mike's dedication to bits is
truly biblical.
It's uh for the, it's intensefor the rankin bass roast.
He showed up, mind you audiomedium with a snowman puppet and
the snowman puppet deliveredthe entire roast into the zoom

(37:45):
camera.
So that was for nobody, exceptfor us people and mike, which
means it was all for mike.
Which means it was.
And that's what I love aboutmike's sense of humor is because
, at the end of the day, he doesnot give a fuck about anything
other than what he findshilarious, and it makes me laugh

(38:05):
.

Matt (38:05):
And that's what makes a good, that's what makes a good
bit really hum.

Eric (38:10):
He commits to it so fucking hard.

Matt (38:13):
I think, yeah, Okay, so we've given.
We've given some suggestions.
I'm just trying to.
I'm looking around my officefor inspiration.

Eric (38:20):
Oh yeah, let me do the same.
There's a painting of dolphins.

Matt (38:25):
You office for inspiration .
Oh yeah, let me do the same.
There's a painting of dolphinsyou could do, stephen king, you
could do stephen king.

Eric (38:30):
Oh, universe.
Um, that's the highbrow.
Can I hit you with the with therl stein oh, absolutely, uh,
sure thing oh talk about beloved.

Matt (38:40):
Oh, maybe there's something there to just like kid
stuff in general, like theBerenstain Bears, dr Seuss,
da-ha-ha-ha, eric you hit a goodone, dr.
Seuss is good.
Dr Seuss is good.

Eric (38:54):
Are you taking these down?

Matt (38:57):
Bobby, I hope you're taking notes.
I'm not writing down shit.
No, I'm not writing this downfor him.
He can download the transcriptif he must.

Eric (39:04):
Listen to F and Cultured today.

Matt (39:06):
Listen to F and Cultured today.
I think we've done enough freepromotion.

Eric (39:10):
And listen to the Neatcast .

Matt (39:12):
Listen to the Neatcast, listen to F and Cultured, listen
to all of the podcasts that wegive off from time to time.

Eric (39:20):
Against all oddities, the World is my burrito and if
you're one of these podcasts, dome a solid don't get fucking
canceled, don't get fuckingcanceled for anything bad
because, let me tell you, it wasthe the, the dis, the distance
between me praising hawk to agirl's success and like her, but

(39:43):
the distance between that andher getting like locked down for
crypto manipulation was liketwo days it was very
unfortunately timed.

Matt (39:53):
Yes, could at least give me like a week I do believe in
retrospect, the, the cryptothing was blown out of
proportion, as if I'm recallingcorrect.
But I'm shocked to uh.
Very good, eric thank you verygood, very good.
You truly are the bard of ourtime.

(40:15):
And with that, how about?

Eric (40:21):
another question.
Yes, go ahead this one age-oldquestion.
This was submitted by emailfrom Evan.
Evan asks where have all thecowboys gone?
This is a nearly 30-year-oldmystery, absolutely when have

(40:41):
all the cowboys gone?

Matt (40:42):
Now, first and foremost, I believe this is referring to
the titular song by paula cole,1996, of where have all the
cowboys gone?
But first I have to mention Ijust have to mention that I
happen to know the evan inquestion that sent in this quest
that the is it that, evan?
It is that evan and this ev,evan has binged.

(41:04):
You Didn't Ask For this.
Like 80% of it, like fromepisode 20 or so on, in like the
last five months.
Like has just gone through it.

Eric (41:16):
Truly breathtaking.

Matt (41:19):
I gobsmacked, gobsmacked, and he submitted this question a
while ago, before he was fullycaught up.
But he he thought of, he wantedto put it in and I didn't want
us to do it until I knew he wasup to date.
So, evan, I just want to saywelcome, welcome, welcome to the
present and thank you for beingsuch a fan of our and I can't

(41:41):
stress this enough uselessbullshit yeah, I love that.

Eric (41:45):
That.
It it's like if you took all ofour show, we've essentially
taken all of our content, pouredit into the sieve of evan's
mind and and condense it andthis is what popped out.
If you took all everythingleading up to this moment has
led to bloop.
We have all the cowboys gone.

Matt (42:05):
And that is beautiful to me.
In that respect, eric, let'sget into it.
I have to ask the immediatequestion does that make us the
cowboys?

Eric (42:14):
Ooh, yeehaw, yee, and I cannot stress this enough haw.
Root and I say again, tootinone of my favorite sayings on
earth be rootin, be tootin andby god, be shootin, but be kind

(42:35):
you ruined it at the end,absolutely ruined it at the end.
Where have all the cowboys gone?

Matt (42:42):
now we'll confess I know the song, but it had been such a
minute since I Absolutelyruined it at the end.
Where have all the cowboys gone?
Now, we'll confess I know thesong, but it had been such a
minute since I heard it.
We both gave it a little listenbefore we started recording had
to had to 1996, Paul Cole.

Eric (42:54):
Had to, because I wanted to.

Matt (42:56):
But I find some of the questions that are asked in this
song a little interesting intoday's climate.
For example, where is my JohnWayne?
He's dead, also a Nazi.
Where is my prairie song?
They're Walmarts.
Where is my happy ending?

Eric (43:12):
Hey, now $80 right down the street.

Matt (43:15):
And where have all the cowboys gone?
That is the question.
By the way, eric, while we'reat it, why don't you stay the
evening, kick back and watch thetv and I'll fix you a little
something to eat.
Oh, I know your back hurts fromworking on the tractor.
How do you take your coffee, mysweet?

Eric (43:33):
I'll raise the children if you pay all the bills.

Matt (43:35):
I know I'll raise the children if you pay all the
bills.

Eric (43:45):
Actual lyric from 1996 is the first one because it has
like this, has like a, it's likea modern day scarborough fair.
And is it, you know, becausescarborough like, make me a like
, tell her I'm familiar.

(44:06):
An acre of land.
It's like the increasing stakes, like it goes from okay, make
me a kamarick shirt, find me anacre of land, but in cowboys
it's I.
The first one is I'll do all, I.
I will do the laundry if youpay all the bills.
I'll say this, not quiteenticing yet, and we get, we

(44:31):
build to.

Matt (44:32):
I am wearing my new dress tonight, but you don't, you
don't even notice me.
Say our goodbyes, say ourgoodbyes, say our goodbyes.
We finally sell the Chevy.
When we had another baby andyou took that job in Tennessee,
you made friends at the farm.
You joined them at the baralmost every single day of the

(44:54):
week.
That doesn't rhyme.
I will wash the dishes whileyou go have a beer.
And then we're back to thefucking John Wayne.
Where have the cowboys gone?
Where's my Marlboro man man?
Where's his shiny gun?
Where's my lonely ranger?
Not his name, no, not his name.

Eric (45:12):
And he turned out to be a cannibal and if he's a lonely
ranger, by definition, you can'thave him, that's absolutely
true.

Matt (45:20):
he's off being a cannibal, that's.
You know, that's my ArmieHammer joke, armie Hammer.

Eric (45:27):
For those of you who observe For you for you who
observe Armie Hammer RemembranceDay.
On this April 11th.

Matt (45:37):
You know he does have a podcast.
Now he's attempting a minicomeback.
I believe the.
Would you like to guess thename of the podcast, because I'm
pretty sure I know it uh, ourarmy him hall murd in chat time
podcast.
It's army hammer time.
That's the name of the podcastoh, that's army.

Eric (46:01):
I liked mine better.

Matt (46:04):
So, okay, I think what I'm saying is we have to establish
who these cowboys are, and rightnow they just sound like toxic
men from the 50s.

Eric (46:19):
Toxic men, one of whom had to be restrained from
physically assaulting a NativeAmerican woman during the Oscars
.
Yes, yes.

Matt (46:22):
That'd be John Wayne, in case anyone is confused about
what Eric's talking about.

Eric (46:26):
Yeah, it wasn't the Marlboro man.

Matt (46:28):
Um, I know John Wayne.
John Wayne, for some reason,continues to be like, uh uh, a
very static figure in, like theechelon of American pop culture,
and he couldn't be more of apiece of shit.

Eric (46:45):
Oh he's, he's absolute trash he's a he's a literal nazi
yeah, yeah, the dude hatesanyone who isn't white, and
that's about this, and and, andimportantly, women, I think yes,
oh my god paula included him inthis particular song which
paul's like Gaga even had theJohn Wayne song.

(47:06):
That's right, and it's a goodass song.
The point is, but if anyone'sgoing to make it, I mean Gaga
she can do no wrong.

Matt (47:14):
Okay, so fuck, john Wayne.
We've checked that box, fuck.

Eric (47:18):
John Wayne.
What I will say is alsostanding out to me is like
they're talking about cowboys.
But then the lyrics I know yourback hurts from working on the
tractor.
Cowboys, don't use tractors.

Matt (47:30):
No, they ride horses.
Emotional turmoil of the songand the inherent sexism of these
men that Paul Cole iscommenting on is the fact that

(47:51):
the American cowboy did sort ofget wiped away by the industrial
revolution.
Yes, and the cowboy way of life, really, as we know, it is dead
outside of, say, the televisionprogram Yellowstone.

Eric (48:05):
Yes, and if you ask historians about this, they'll
typically point out that what weromanticize, like the Old West
as the movie is portrayed, andall really didn't exist.
And if it did, it was for likea period of a couple years and
then it was like there were no.
There weren't high noonshootouts.
There weren't like well, yeah,there were there, there were.

(48:30):
The okay corral fight lastedlike 30 seconds that the
shootout of the okay corral.

Matt (48:35):
That's very true.
I actually think it's somethinglike 23 seconds, like it's.
It's something incredibly short, yeah, and yet we're here.
We are talking about it Also.
Rest in peace, val Kilmer.

Eric (48:46):
Oh, fucking rip.

Matt (48:48):
That's my bad that broke Not long before we record, like
last week, that one hurt, thatone hurt.

Eric (48:53):
Uh, gene Hackman too, of course, but that one, that one
hurt real bad and I'll and I'llsay was we're talking a lot
about cowboys in the famous likemedia sense, but then there
were actual cattle ranchers,like cowboy people who would
drive cattle like hundreds ofmiles, but they too are gone, is
what I'm saying.
They too are gone To, to, toput like these days, the air

(49:15):
quotes cowboy.
Cowboy is more of an aesthetic.
It is like there are, there are, cattle ranchers, but they
they're not actually wranglingthe cattle.

Matt (49:26):
They're not wrangling the cattle.
I feel like they're mostlycompeting in the rodeos and
things.
You don't get a lot of sittingby the fire going.

Eric (49:37):
Oh, there it is.

Matt (49:39):
I can't play the harmonica , but it'd be great if I could
have in that moment.

Eric (49:42):
Do you know what I'd kill for?
I know what we need to bringback.
A people should be wearingcowboy hats.
Everyone should be wearingcowboy.
I do not agree.

Matt (49:50):
In the year of our Lord, 2025,.
If I see a man in a cowboy hat,I will make assumptions about
them and who they voted for.

Eric (49:56):
Oh no, that is fair.
That's why we need to reclaim.
Why should they get all the funaccessories?
Fuck that, okay, I want to ruincowboy hats for the assholes.
Um okay, let's put some berniebumper stickers on some stetsons
but, like I love the classicmove, because with a cowboy hat
you could do the classic movewhere you're like you've just

(50:18):
saved the day, you're getting onyour horse and then like the,
the, the will, they won't they,lady, that you've been helping
this whole time you hit themwith the you don't you don't tip
you, you, you, barely.
You just touch, you pinch thebrim between your and just give
the slightest nods, hit him withma'am, ma'am.

Matt (50:37):
Oh, what a fucking power move I want, oh although in our
version of the cowboy I thinkit'd be more like didn't catch
your pronouns.
Excuse me, just if you couldjust write them down so I know
next time oh no, here's.

Eric (50:56):
Here's how my dude, my guy uh, my guy my guy, uh, god damn
, I would say today, matt, I'mjust gonna say it, I'm just
gonna say it about the state ofcowboys today, and I, you can

(51:17):
all fucking quote me.
Okay, here we go.
Everyone get ready.
All hat no cattle.

Matt (51:25):
Eric, there it is, there it is.

Eric (51:27):
That's the cowboy.
I learned that that's a termthat cowboys use to talk shit
about each other.
When someone just dresses likea cowboy, All hat no cattle.

Matt (51:38):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I think that's inherent into the phrase.
I think you get the meaning,don't you?
All shit, no giggle.
Okay, that one less sure whothat's about.
It sounds like a toddler withdevelopmental issues, perhaps.

Eric (51:54):
You've yeed your last haul , padre.

Matt (52:00):
You've yeed your last haul , padre, that's good.
If you are threatening a priest, hop Papa Dre.
Uh, that's good.
If you are threatening a priestin the old West, yes, yes.
I think so.
What we've talked about is like, canonically, sort of where the
cowboys have gone and howthey've been erased from the
culture.
Uh, into just being acaricature.
Right, that's what they'vedisappeared into the world and

(52:24):
realm of caricature.

Eric (52:25):
Where have they gone, red Dead Redemption 2.

Matt (52:28):
Red Dead Redemption 2, which I actually was tempted to
bring up a minute ago when youwere talking about the Old West
and how it didn't exist, which Ithink there's.
I'm not sure the historians aretalking about, because there's
definitely an Old West thatexists.

Eric (52:47):
There is, but not sure the historians are talking about,
because there's definitely anold west that exists.
There is, but it's just nothing.
It doesn't even remotelyapproach anything we've
portrayed it like it, likeromanticized popular culture has
been romanticizing.

Matt (52:54):
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, and it and the the wild west was
also, I think, uh, the, theportrayals of the wild west is a
little light on the justkilling and raping that happened
.

Eric (53:07):
Yes, like the horrific, it was much sadder.

Matt (53:11):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, and so there is all that
to contend with.
But Red Dead Redemption 2 isvery interestingly, it takes
place at the crux of the end ofthe sort of outlaw days, and the
Industrial Revolution ishappening and the outlaws
officially, you know, thePinkertons are on the rise and

(53:34):
law and order is finally comingto the West, and it is very much
about the dying days of thecowboy, and I actually do think
it is a, uh, an applicablemoment to if I could, if I could
phrase it, if I could phrase itone way to quote the simpsons
please do.

Eric (53:51):
Where have all the cowboys gone?
John dear gave him a dear johnoh eric.

Matt (53:58):
I was gonna, I was gonna try to say they all went to like
montana or some bullshit.
That eric.
Poetry in motion yeah, doesthat?

Eric (54:05):
I cannot, because that is, that is a simpsons quote it's.

Matt (54:09):
Of course it is it's brilliant.

Eric (54:10):
I know you didn't come up with it.
No, come on, matt.
What's your cowboy look?

Matt (54:16):
oh my, I haven't even given it.

Eric (54:18):
Thought um my cowboy, while you're thinking about it,
I'll just start rattling a mine.
Oh yeah, I know you got yourslocked and loaded.
I'm.
I'm channeling all of the LeeVan Cleef from the dollars
trilogy Like fucking the the,the man in black, wide brimmed
hat.

Matt (54:36):
I was going to say I do think I'm all black.
I don't think I, or most, arelike dark colors.
I don't think I'm like, youknow, like denim shirt, red vest
, kind of cowboy.

Eric (54:46):
Singing cowboy?

Matt (54:48):
Yeah no, I think I'm cowboy in the corner.
Who's uh?
When there's trouble outside, Iwordlessly stand up with a all
right, oh, you'd be such a stoiccowboy.
It's going to be that kind ofday, huh?
Check the, check the chambersof my revolvers and go out real
confident, get shot immediately.

Eric (55:06):
I feel like you'd be the blondie to my angel eyes.
Oh, yeah, yeah, I was going togo into ABBA there for a minute
Siri, play the ecstasy of gold.

Matt (55:21):
I thought you were going to go with angel eyes by abba.
Oh no, uh the uh.
That's what I was going for.
I think that'll about do thatquestion.
I think we did it, evan.

Eric (55:32):
It was worth the wait, thank you may the root and toot
always be with you may your rootand always be tooting.
And now, eric, it's time forgoogle baby, strap me the fuck
in.

Matt (55:45):
Now this, ladies and gentlemen, is the fifth season
of Google Gripes.
It began with one-star Googlereviews of well-known places,
that's it.
That's as vague and specific aswe tend to get.
And then, in season four, wedecided to make it movies.

(56:07):
But these are all real one-starGoogle reviews that you can
find about these well-knownmovies.
I am going to list them off.
Eric is going to go and then dohis in the next episode We'll
take a little break.
Do round two.
I hope that helps.
It does.
Now, eric, you won season fourof movies that I did technically

(56:33):
, you did.
I technically believe you're Idid, I believe you're missing
something there by my grace.
By my grace.

Eric (56:44):
By, oh, by your grace, because I allowed you basically
a mulligan.
Matt.
Matt had me dead to rights, butyou won.

Matt (56:52):
You won fair and square.
But I won asterisk I gave it toyou with an asterisk, so and
you came in and and you willnever ever, let me let that down
.
No, no, no, no, barry, not you,barry Bonds, I can ever let that
asterisk.
No, no, no, no, barry, not you,barry bonds.
I can't allow it.
So the because, and I'll tellyou why because you came into
that season so like, oh, but youknow more movies than you're

(57:13):
gonna be.
It's not there.
And then you ended up winning.
I won't tolerate it this timearound, my friend.
Okay, I won't tolerate it thistime around.
So here we go.
Are you?
You ready, eric?
I've got your first film here.

Eric (57:26):
Three reviews each.
Are you ready?
I may not know who my daddy was, but I came out his dick ready.
Very good, Eric.
Thank you Very graphic.

Matt (57:36):
Thank you.
This movie is basically justpropaganda against capitalist
white males.
It also highly supports cultistbeliefs and basically is
reenacting when Caucasianscapitalized first, came to North
America and as if the FirstNations won.

(57:58):
It also says that basicallyanyone who cuts down any plants
or does anything even slightlyindustrial is evil.
It's also highly unrealistic oreven tangible.
Okay, got it, got it.
Wonder who they voted for?
Review number two Extremelyoverrated.

(58:22):
Notice how nobody can remembera single character or plot point
, despite it being number onebox office since its release.
This film is unbearable towatch.
Weak plot, weak characters.
The only reason this film couldhave possibly done well is
because of the fact that it wasone of the first ever 3D movies

(58:45):
and it used that novelty featureto get a high rating.
Waste of three hours, okay.
Review number two or reviewnumber three.
Excuse me, this movie is bad.
It make my kids ear me.
Ah, god is dead.

(59:06):
God remains dead and we havekilled him.
How shall we comfort ourselves?
The murderers of all murderers,what was holiest and mightiest
of all that the world has yetowed has bled to death under our
knives.
Who will wipe this blood off us?
What water is there for us toclean ourselves.

(59:29):
What festivals of atonement,what sacred games shall we have
to invent?
Is not the greatness of thisdeed too great for us?
Must we ourselves not becomegods, simply to appear worthy of
it?

Eric (59:48):
I'm pretty sure I've heard this band.
Is that Beelzefuz?
That just sounds like peakstoner metal lyrics.
So there are your threeincredibly helpful reviews.
Those were good.
Thank you, I do.
I think I have a guess.

Matt (01:00:06):
I did go from easiest to hardest, so I and this being the
first, the first exchange,let's see.
Let's see what you come out ofthe gate with.
Do you need any again, oranything like that?

Eric (01:00:16):
I think I'm good.
I think I'm good all right,eric.

Matt (01:00:19):
What is your guess if you're ready to lock it in?

Eric (01:00:21):
my guess is cameron's avatar abadah as uh as uh.

Matt (01:00:30):
Schwarzenegger said at the oscars that year abadah, yes,
it is avatar.
Yeah, james cameron's avatar.

Eric (01:00:36):
Yes, I had to dodge when you said anti, anti-white, white
man capitalists, like all right.
Avatar fernully Pocahontas.

Matt (01:00:46):
I figured that would have done if that didn't do it.
The first 3D movie, of course,of which it is obviously not.
No, it was the first of the big, like late 2000s craze.

Eric (01:01:02):
Which led to 3D television sets.
Yeah, I just remember comingout of Avatar, having seen it,
and been like, oh, that was fun,which led to 3d television sets
.

Matt (01:01:06):
Yeah, I, I just remember coming out of avatar, having
seen it, and been like, oh, thatwas fun, and people were
talking about it Like it was thegreatest thing ever and I went,
oh, I have to hate this now.
And um, and I was correct, Istill haven't seen a way of
water.

Eric (01:01:21):
We started watching it Couldn't make it 30.

Matt (01:01:28):
watching it couldn't make it 30, like we by 30 minutes in.
We were bored out of ourfucking minds.
It was that terrible and I Iand I think you are of a similar
brain, because I very rarelyabandon a film yeah, if I've
started it I recently we, alissaand I, were watching it wasn't
that one, but in a similar vein.

Eric (01:01:43):
We were watching, we paid us dollars to rent a movie, uh,
digitally, and we were paid likefour dollars.
Yeah, and we're watching thismovie and we're like an hour and
15 minutes into it I can't evenremember the movie and and, and
I was like I just turned tolisten.
I'm like, look, baby doll, we,we don't have to keep watching

(01:02:04):
this.
She was like but you paid $4 sowe could watch it.
I was like Alyssa.
What I'm asking myself rightnow is would I pay $4 to stop
watching this movie?
And that answer is yes, so themoney's spent.

Matt (01:02:18):
The money is spent, it's gone.
Yeah.
Movie number two.
Movie number two Review numberone.
Movie number two Movie numbertwo Review number one.
After watching this, Iunderstand why these directors
are so insecure of CBMS.
Good direction andcinematography isn't enough if

(01:02:38):
your plot is nonsensical.
It's like saying a video gameis good just because it has good
graphics.
Make good films instead ofcomplaining, old man.

Eric (01:02:50):
Damn Coming out the gate.
Okay, what was that acronym?
Again, cbms.
Am I allowed to know what thatstands for?

Matt (01:03:01):
I don't know what it stands for.
So no, cool boys must stay Adisgust to watch.
Seems like a tutorial on how totake drugs in a right manner.
Violence and killing is just achild's game.
These movies showcases clearlywhat's in the western mind the,

(01:03:23):
the psychology, the perversion,greed for power, need for gun,
no respect for human life and,above all, making it so
day-to-day affair, killingpeople for no reason.
These movies shape the society.
Rather than banning them,people exclaim them to be a

(01:03:45):
timeless classic and masterpiece.
I strongly oppose this type ofcinema.
Need gun Need gun.

Eric (01:03:54):
That's what it says, and you know.
You said you, I noticed yousaid several times movies.
Now is that alluding to thefact that this is a series of
movies or that, or are theytalking about these kinds of
movies?

Matt (01:04:08):
Who can say who can say who can say of course, fuck off
man.
I know this film is a classicand etc.
But if I'm honest, it was themost boring dragging on movie
I've ever had the displeasure ofviewing and blanks, weird

(01:04:28):
fetishes shown through, far toomuch for me to feel anything but
deeply uncomfortable whilewatching it okay that that act,
that honed it in so hard.
I thought it possibly could, andI went with a blank rather than
you know the role they had inthe movie yeah, I'm gonna say

(01:04:51):
it's a tarantino film.

Eric (01:04:52):
Okay, it's either pulp fiction or reservoir dogs.
I'm gonna say it's pulp fiction, pulp fiction.

Matt (01:05:00):
That is my answer and you are correct, eric, it is pulp
fiction.
This was a, I'll say, eric,some of these with the because
of course, we don't agreebasically with anything we've
ever done in the movie GoogleGripes.
This one was a hard one to gothrough.

Eric (01:05:18):
Yeah, I fucking love.
I'm a 34-year-old man.
I fucking love Tarantino.

Matt (01:05:23):
Flicks.
Pulp Fiction is one of thefucking greatest movies ever
made.
Yeah, Kill Bill is one of myfavorite movies just ever all I
could do through these one stargoogle reviews and just be like
look at all these fucking idiotswho do not understand
storytelling the beauty of ourcountry.
For the moment, you're free tobe as wrong as you want about
something damn they are andspeaking of which, we got some

(01:05:46):
more wrong people coming up.
Yep, all right, are you readyfor the third movie, eric?
You could get a perfect openinground.
Oh, give me that fucking turkey.
All the scenes in this movielasted far longer than the
amount of time necessary toconvey the needed information.
The main character has adelusional and unhealthy

(01:06:08):
relationship with women.
I do not understand why peoplerelate to him.
Okay, okay, number one, numbertwo, overrated.
Posting this honest review tosave your time, energy and
headache which you get afterwatching this movie.
It is rated so good that onewants to watch.

(01:06:30):
But don't let rating fool youhere.
I don't know why people likethis kind of movie in 21st
century.
Music is pathetic.
You play pianos from start toend, key one by one.
That's the music of this movie.
Please don't watch.

(01:06:50):
Okay, I'm lost.
For some reason I'd never seenthis movie, so I was really
looking forward to it,especially being a big director
fan.
But wow, what a hugedisappointment.
Very slow, aimless plot thatcenters around one character

(01:07:11):
whose character was notdeveloped at all.
How people are calling this amasterpiece is beyond me, so
disappointing.
And for this one, eric, I dohave a bonus review and I know
the bonus reviews have gotten mein trouble in the past.

Eric (01:07:28):
Yes, they have.

Matt (01:07:29):
So I am tempted to save it , to be safe.
But I really don't thinkthere's anything helpful for you
here.
Okay, the bonus review.
I'm giving it to you now.
Okay, I hated this movie.
It dragged on slower than theillegitimate love child of an
illegitimate love child betweena turtle and a snail, who then

(01:07:50):
went and had another lesserlegitimate love child with a
sloth that happened to somehowhold a job in the dmv.
By the end of it I was dyingfrom blood loss, hoping the
police would just hurry up andshoot me.

Eric (01:08:06):
Okay, could you give me review number one again?
This one's?

Matt (01:08:10):
toughy, all right.
Review number one again.
All the scenes in this movielasted far longer than the
amount of time necessary toconvey the needed information.
The main character has adelusional and unhealthy
relationship with women.
I do not understand why peoplerelate to him and I just want to
immediately come in with.
All the scenes in this movielasted far longer than the

(01:08:32):
amount of time necessary toconvey the needed information.
You, sir, do not understandanything about art no.

Eric (01:08:41):
Oh God, it sounds like they're describing like a, like
a score.
That is just very simple piano,very simple piano.

Matt (01:08:52):
Perhaps it gets annoying after a while.

Eric (01:08:54):
Yeah.
Almost grating like it wasperhaps intentionally made that
way Long shots.
It sounds like a slow burn of amovie, oh man.

Matt (01:09:08):
It does sound that way.
I don't know that I'd agree,but they are making it sound
like it's a slow burn of a moviewith no payoff, which is, of
course, I feel, false.

Eric (01:09:19):
For some reason, my brain wants to say, like my brain
keeps going to like is this aNolan film?
Mm.
Interesting, unhealthyrelationships with women.
Mm.
That's what's that's throwingme.
Oh man, I'm not going to getthat turkey.

Matt (01:09:38):
It might not happen, eric, it might not happen, and I hate
that.

Eric (01:09:42):
Unhealthy relationships to women, though.
Yes indeed, Perhaps he feelsperhaps he feels unworthy of
their love I'm gonna, I'm gonnatake a stab in the dark.

Matt (01:09:55):
This is going to be my fucking stab in the dark let's
hear it because, to thediscerning listener, I've been
dropping you some additionalhints.
I know.

Eric (01:10:10):
I'm going to say man, this is going to be wrong.

Matt (01:10:13):
I can't tell if you're talking to me or if you're just
talking aloud.
Are you locking something inhere or what?

Eric (01:10:19):
I'm going to lock something in.

Matt (01:10:22):
Lock it in okay.
It doesn't seem like you'relocking it in.
I'm going to say Nosferatu,nosferatu.
Yeah, like the, are you sayingthe original?

Eric (01:10:31):
you say, I'll say the, I'll say the I'll say the
original.

Matt (01:10:35):
Okay, the original osferatu.
That's the, and are you lockingit in?
Are you talking to me now?
Are you just saying this, hello?
Well, here's the thing, jeff,yeah we're we're at tribal
council now.

Eric (01:10:45):
I I'm out here, right, and you know, matt, I I'm out here
trying to guess these gripes.
So are other people.

Matt (01:10:55):
Yeah, and you're taking fucking forever my.

Eric (01:10:58):
God they're griping.
I'm trying to listen, thinkinglike what hints is he dropping
in the low down?
And I don't know, what's goingto come out of it At the end of
the day.
You know, I just got to like,cast my vote, cast your vote,
and what are you?
When are you going to get to it?
I'm going to say Uh-huh.
My guess, yeah, which is Ican't wait to hear it Coming now

(01:11:21):
.
Oh Christ, I'm going to sayHalloween.

Matt (01:11:26):
Halloween.
Yeah, okay, and you're talkingto me now.
You're saying this yeah.

Eric (01:11:32):
I'm going to say Halloween .
Are you talking to me?
I'm talking to you?

Matt (01:11:36):
Are you talking to me?

Eric (01:11:39):
Oh, is it taxi?
Is it talking to me?
It's taxi driver, baby.

Matt (01:11:46):
Which I have never seen.

Eric (01:11:48):
You've never seen Taxi.

Matt (01:11:49):
Driver.
I know dog, I know you went toschool for acting and you've
never seen Taxi Driver.
No, I know oh no wonder youdidn't get my unworthy of your
love drop.
Granted, you have to have alittle working knowledge of what
comes after and the culturalimpact of Taxi Driver.
To get that.

Eric (01:12:08):
Not having seen Taxi Driver is the movie that I have
received the most shit for notseeing.

Matt (01:12:14):
Eric, you who I can't even tell you how many episodes you
mentioned the phrase punk vestand you're telling me you
haven't seen Taxi Driver.
I know Dom Dude, it's good.
Fuck these fucking reviews,they're dumb.

Eric (01:12:27):
They're bad, they're dumb and they're wrong.
It's a great movie.

Matt (01:12:30):
It's an absolute great movie.
Teenage Jodie Foster, of course, later used as the inspiration
for Hinkley to shoot RonaldReagan.
So he could win the approval ofteenage teenage Jodie Foster,
who has already grown up more bythat point.
Of course it's from assassins,the musical plus Steven Sondheim

(01:12:51):
.
Anyway, that's it, eric.

Eric (01:12:54):
So two out of three ain't bad.
Two out of three, two out ofthree Ain't bad, my meatloaf
friend.

Matt (01:12:58):
So you up my friend for round two.
Good, good openers, thank you,very good openers, thank you.
I felt pretty good about it.
I felt pretty good about mychoices, because I do struggle
with these a little bit, becauseit's like, well, it's gotta be,
it's gotta be like auniversally well-known film.

Eric (01:13:16):
Yeah, you've gotta enter your mind palace and filter
through the Rolodexes of yourencyclopedic film knowledge and
pluck something that I, a meremortal, might be able to grasp.

Matt (01:13:28):
Yeah, okay, but I think this fits the bill in many ways.
You know various genres, butTaxi Driver, I think, is a great
example.
You said you haven't seen TaxiDriver, but as soon as I started
getting into the, you talkingto me a little bit more.
You were like is this fuckingTaxi?

Eric (01:13:44):
Driver.
Yes, you nailed it.

Matt (01:13:53):
So it transcends.
It transcends.
I definitely know of the movie.
Yes, yeah, it's, oh, it's sogood.
Harvey kytel in a role where hedoesn't really look like
himself at all.
He plays a pimp.
It's, it's an incredible,incredible movie.
Um, yeah, yeah, yeah,definitely check it out.
Okay, also, it's Mohawk and notreal.
Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah, fun fact,he was filming another movie at
the time.

(01:14:13):
He had to fake it, and nowRobert De Niro's Mohawk cap is
in the new Oscars museum theyopened in LA.
Oh, that's cool.
Yeah, yeah, nice.
Anyway, I think that'll aboutdo it for this episode of you.
Didn't ask for this.

(01:14:33):
As always, I'm going to hit youwith some business.
Ooh, give them the business.
Listen, if you haven't heard,we do have a Patreon and we'd
love you to join, eric.
You've been pretty good at thisbusiness, eric, give them the
Patreon business.
I'll get in there like a goodtoady.

Eric (01:14:49):
Get in there, get your toes wet, listen here, youse
guys.
For $1 a month you get accessto our Discord, which is cannot
stress this enough fuckingpopping.
It really is the vibes are soimmaculate.

Matt (01:15:05):
I am very pleased with the overall vibe of the Discord and
how people are just sort ofchatting.
Now it's great, it's reallycool.

Eric (01:15:12):
I love the Discord vibe Getting a lot of cool people I
know and love joining theDiscord.
It's awesome For $4 a month.
Four For the cost of half agallon of gas six months from
now.
Hey, keep it evergreen, oh yeah.

(01:15:34):
For $4 a month you get accessto the Discord.
Oh yeah, you get monthly bonuscontent.
Oops.

Matt (01:15:45):
All tangents, bonus content, oops, all tangents, uh,
and you get 20 off of all youdaft merch, um which?

Eric (01:15:56):
someone bought some today.
You know who you are.

Matt (01:15:57):
I didn't know that.
What did they buy?

Eric (01:15:58):
uh, they bought a mug.

Matt (01:16:01):
It's a good mug I was drinking out of mine this
morning there you go.
I've got my hoodie right hereon the on the floor a quick
circle back follow-up.

Eric (01:16:10):
Speaking of merch, uh, uh, happy to report uh in the
discord.
Sir juniper, first night of you.
Daft posted the bitch inharmonica.

Matt (01:16:20):
Yes, uh, the, you didn't ask for this harmonic you may
recall that we once upon a timepromised anyone who solved Mike
from the Neatcast what promosMike from the Neatcast is
getting in this episode today,when he was on the show, his
little riddle he brought in.
If anybody actually solved it,we'd send them a harmonica.
And then Sir Juniper did do it,so we did eventually get our

(01:16:45):
shit together and send.

Eric (01:16:47):
Juniper did do it, so we did eventually get our shit
together and send Juniper anengraved harmonica.

Matt (01:16:50):
Yes, that says, sir Juniper, first night of your
daft Juniper, we love you.
We love you, sir Juniper, welove you.
Sir Juniper, you honor us andwe finally got you what you
deserve, which is a personalizedharmonica.

Eric (01:17:04):
Yes, Now go learn all of the music from Cowboy Bebop
Absolutely.

Matt (01:17:09):
So join the Patreon and, by all means, submit questions
at youdontaskforthis at gmailcom.
That's all spelled out.
Or you didn't ask pod.
That's the letter.
You didn't ask pod.
On Instagram, Facebook, kind ofblue sky, TikTok, et cetera, et
cetera.
We're all over the place.
Do it there or join the Discord, join the conversation and drop

(01:17:32):
it in our questions collectionchannel.
We got there Because we justgot one of Aaron's who loves to
put those epic emails to us.
He just made an epic questiondrop.

Eric (01:17:45):
Oh my God, Just shotgunned us pure gold like of like 12 it
was.
It was beautiful, aaron we'regetting to him real soon.

Matt (01:17:54):
Oh yeah, uh, so that'll about do it from all of us here.
You didn't ask for this untilnext time.
My name is matthew shea, myname's eric poach, and listen,
you didn't ask unobtainiumdidn't ask.
Unobtainium, unobtainium,unobtainium.
They could have come up withsomething better than
unobtainium.

Eric (01:18:11):
They could have called it any fucking thing on earth, and
they went with unobtainium.
It's not a well-written film.
No, it's the plot of Pocahontasin space.

Matt (01:18:24):
Really More I would say more ferngully.
And when I was doing thesereviews, yeah, it was so hard to
find something that didn'treference either of the two
films.

Eric (01:18:34):
We just yeah and ferngully , both pocahontas and ferngully.
Fucking rule.
Um yeah, ferngully, inparticular.
If you, if you, if, if timcurry as a giant smog monster
singing like this fucking jazzbop, didn't give you tingles,
didn't send chills up your spineas a child, what are we even

(01:18:55):
doing here?
What are we even doing here?
Bye.