115 | Raw, Primal Imaginarium

For generations, professors and philosophers have debated the possible solutions to "The Trolly Problem." Now, finally, blissfully...these two idiots solve it once and for all. Also: When the toddler hands you the phone…what’s being said on the other line? Then we finish the ep with part two of Google Gripes round one!

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Episode Transcript

Matt (00:00):
matt, what time is it right now?

Eric (00:02):
right now, it is pert near 7, 12 pm matt, would you
believe me if I told you I'm onmy third cup of coffee since
about 6 30?

Matt (00:13):
since 6 30 pm pm.

Eric (00:15):
Uh, I mean, I would everything all right, my friend
matt, I have made three cups ofcoffee between the times of 615.
And now and now, but this isthe only one I've gotten to
drink.

Matt (00:33):
Oh, okay, now, there we are.

Eric (00:35):
Yeah, so I made cup one.
Now here's the situation wehave on hand.
We obviously we have many modesof coffee delivery in this
house.
Yeah, we have the French press.
We have pour over.
We used to have a coffee makerbut it got real gross and we
tossed it.
But we, what we have for the Ineed caffeine, like now moments

(01:00):
and I, and they're like I don'twant to wrap my brain around
having to, like, actuallyprepare anything.
We also have jars of instantcoffee.
I know it gets the job done, soI made a cup of instant coffee.
I went to get some heavywhipping cream out of the fridge
.
I'm feeling indulgent.

Matt (01:20):
Oh sure.

Eric (01:22):
I'll go for the heavy cream.
And we'd just recently donesome grocery shopping, I reach
for the heavy cream.
And we'd just recently donesome grocery shopping, I reach
for the heavy cream.
I look at it.
I'm like cool.
I don't even look at it, I justowe it because I know like yeah
, it's brand new.

Matt (01:33):
And if it's?

Eric (01:34):
heavy like the brand.

Matt (01:35):
I'm like cool cool, cool, oh God.

Eric (01:38):
And here's how I prepare my instant coffee I put the
grounds in first, then I thegrounds in first, then I put the
cream in.
I like to watch them swirlaround in a little little dance,
chocolatey dance of coffeecolors.
Yeah, and it's, it's beautiful.
And then I will pour the hotwater in, sure, um, and add
sugar or something at some point.
When I say I, I went to pourthis heavy cream, and the last

(02:01):
thing you want to see when youpour some heavy cream.
It is a plot, is a glob, is a,is a.
And that's when I look at the,the.
The heavy cream is a monthexpired, so you've taken the
wrong one.
I took the wrong one.
It's what we call paying theadhd tax.
I'm like all right, well, thisshould never have remained in

(02:22):
the fridge.
But now, matt, I'm faced with aquandary.
Yeah, because there I am Cup ofgoop and the last teaspoon of
instant coffee.

Matt (02:36):
Good, you put it where it deserved, hell.

Eric (02:38):
But then Matt, I realize look, you gotta make coffee, now
ADHD.
So we paid the ADHD tax so far.
But now we get our adhd taxreturn.
And that's when our currentcontainer of instant coffee was
empty.
But our next one almost emptycontainer that we had bought,

(03:00):
this container place that wenever threw away because it just
became background noise to ourbrains.
I'm looking at now I might havelike, well, maybe there is
still some magic in this oldsilk hat.
We found there isn't, and andwould you believe it or not?
At the bottom then this is thisis going from the, the instant
coffee we got from h mart to thecafe bustejo instant espresso.

(03:23):
That that's our.
That's our our instant cafebustelo.
Um, I see that there's somebuild-up on the bottom of this
jar and I am still.
I'm like, oh, thank god, all isnot lost and I don't even get
out the teaspoon, like it's.
So I just pour it in the cupand like get in there whatever's
in this Such was your stores,such was my lot.

Matt (03:45):
Yes.

Eric (03:46):
And I did the same thing.
This, you know, found the rightheavy whipping cream.
Thank let me say thank God,thank, fucking God Poured that,
in Poured the water, in Watchedthe alchemy, watched the magic
unfold, took a sip.
Turns out there's a reason.
All those little?
Because it wasn't like thegranules that you're used to

(04:08):
seeing with instant coffee.
It was like the, the, theconfectioner's sugar, consistent
like the, the powdery, likeyeah, yeah, yeah, ever.
It was one of the most bitter,unpleasant things I've ever put
in my mouth.
Nice back, that cup's gone.
Then.
I'm like I'm sitting there, I,literally I have the sad cloud
over my head.

(04:29):
Sure you can hear the, the.
I'm just trudging along likeI'm gonna record a podcast with
not a, not a drop of caffeine inme again.
This whole time could have madecoffee but yeah, and we're back
to the ADHD tax.
This entire time I could haveprepared that coffee.

(04:49):
I could have fucking vacuumpulled, I could have done a
fucking full lap Nope by the way, these are prime Keurig
household conditions, by the way, but anyway, continue.
I love my planet, matt Sure.
This is the hill I die on.
This is the hill you, by theway, but anyway, continue.
I love my planet, matt Sure.
Um, this is, this is the hill Idie on.
This is the hill you die on,this is the one, uh-huh, um.

(05:10):
But then an angel appeared andher name was Alyssa.
And Alyssa is like watching me,like I'm just sitting there
like merr, I'm like making oh no, dang, and she's like what's
wrong?
That's what's what's wrong.

(05:30):
I'm like like regale her withmy tail.
And then she says we boughtinstant coffee.
We have a whole fresh ass jar ofit right there, jesus christ
jesus so just as soon as I gotmy adhd tax returns.
I've turns out I've misfiledand I'm ah, there it is.
Gotta file a correction.
Yep, gotta file a correction.
Got that shit, got this coffeeand, matt, let me tell you this

(05:54):
has truly been one of the mostsatisfying cups of instant
coffee I've ever had in my life.

Matt (05:58):
I can't imagine that as a high bar to pass.

Eric (06:02):
And I fought and fucking died for this coffee.
And I tried a new little tricktoday Put a little pinch of salt
in.
There Helps a lot, cuts thebitterness.
It's a home remedy.
That's what we call Trying toimprove instant coffee.
That's what we call homeopathicbaristering.

Matt (06:21):
It feels like it's some sort of old wives tale.

Eric (06:26):
You put a pinch of salt in your instant coffee, and that's
the appropriate.
And the tax man won't be ableto find you.

Matt (06:33):
That's the appropriate, I think, characterization to put
on that, because it does soundlike bullshit, like what you're
saying.
It helped.
Have you ever tried in a pinch,since you are a fellow creamer?

Eric (06:46):
Yeah.
Baby you know, I cream.

Matt (06:48):
Oh yeah, Sorry, it stopped me in my tracks.
Usually does have you run into.

Eric (07:00):
Sorry, oh, I thought you said it put you in traction.

Matt (07:04):
No, no, no.
I said I slipped in your tracksNow.
Have you ever tried butter in apinch?

Eric (07:12):
I have heard about this.

Matt (07:14):
Yeah.
It seems, because it seemsgross right.

Eric (07:19):
It seems gross, is it?

Matt (07:19):
nice, I'm here to tell the world that you can use butter
in a fucking pinch, in a pit toreplace creamer.
But there is one big caveat, isthere?

Eric (07:36):
you cannot look at your coffee, yep yep you can drink is
there a gross ass oil slickjust do under any circumstances.

Matt (07:46):
Look at that brew.

Eric (07:48):
Do not.

Matt (07:49):
Do not look into the rainbow-y shiny, Do not look at
the oil slicking, don't look atthe Exxon Valdez inside of your
cup well, hello everybody andwelcome to you.

(08:19):
Didn't ask for this.
It is the podcast that answerslife's least pressing questions.
My name name is Matthew Shea,my name's Eric Poach and I don't
understand why I've chosen todo this little character just
now, the NPR guy.
I can do better if I'm tryingto do.

Eric (08:37):
NPR.
Oh yeah, you have a natural NPRtimber to your voice.

Matt (08:42):
Are you listening NPR?
Are you listening?
Oh my God, matt, you wouldthrive on NPR.
Timber to your voice.
Are you listening NPR?

Eric (08:45):
Are you listening?
Oh my God, Matt, you wouldthrive on NPR.
Are you kidding me?
Let me see real quick.

Matt (08:52):
Do they have any openings?

Eric (08:54):
They need a China correspondent.
Hold on a second.

Matt (08:59):
Okay, I'm going to read this, sight unseen.
I asked ChatGPT to write me annpr style segment.
Uh, intro, surprise guest chadgpt.
Chad gpt has made a return andum, can I get some npr music?
Thank you From NPR.

(09:25):
This is you Didn't Ask For thisthe segment where we chase down
the answers to questions younever thought to ask and maybe
still aren't sure you wanted to.
I'm Matt Shea.
Every week, we dive headfirstinto wonderfully weird, the
historically obscure or thescientifically baffling, whose

(09:47):
little corners of curiositydon't show up in the headlines
but still somehow leave yousaying wait, what Chills?
This is not bad Chills.
What do ancient Roman cursetablets, a 1970s Canadian goose
and a forgotten Cold War phoneline have in common?

(10:08):
Absolutely nothing, and that'skind of the point.
You didn't ask for this, butwe're telling you anyway.
Music transition then intofirst story.
Matt, you've got the chops.
I'm saying call me NPR ifyou're still active when this
episode comes out, matt, are wein the Karate Kid right now?

Eric (10:31):
Is your name Daniel LaRusso right now, because you
got the chops.

Matt (10:35):
Thank you, eric.
Thank you, wax on wax off myboy Shall.
We start the program now.
Let's do the program.
We've got some great questionsthat we need to tackle and then,
at the end of all our exploring, we got round two, or I should
say part two of round one ofgoogle gripes, season five

(10:57):
everyone.

Eric (10:57):
Third era.

Matt (10:58):
Everyone followed that.
Uh, now then?

Eric (11:03):
eric.
All right kids.
This question comes from ourgood, good friend and patron,
bootsy bootsy.
This is this is a question fromthe discord, from the discord,
thanks.
Bootsy bootsy's question iswhen the toddler hands you the
phone, what's being said on theother line?
And no, it cannot be themtrying to reach you about your

(11:26):
car's extended warranty.

Matt (11:28):
God damn it she she thought she of that and you know
what?

Eric (11:32):
too easy, too easy.

Matt (11:34):
So frankly, offensive, insulted, insulting would have
immediately said it drop that onour door, such low hanging
fruit.
It's knocking around my toes,god it's just matt.

Eric (11:48):
We've got so many arrows in the quiver.

Matt (11:50):
It's, but it's just it's just you know what it is.
Eric, you can't stand beingrestrained no, I'm a free spirit
.

Eric (11:58):
I am free spirit, god, I, I am the molder to your scully
Gotta, let this caged bird sing.
Maya Angelou might make someexception to that, but the
sentiment behind everything youjust said yes, I agree, thank

(12:21):
you.
So when you're joshing with atoddler, when you're when you're
.
I don't like the.
That is something you said.

Matt (12:33):
I don't know when you're hanging out with a, with a
proto-human when you're hangingout at a preschool when you're
kicking, kicking back withkicking back in kindergarten.

Eric (12:42):
Yeah, and that little kid hands you the phone A.
Fisher-price brightly coloredphone we can all see it, it's
got the face for the rotary dial.

Matt (12:56):
It's got little wheels on it Now.
Have you run into thissituation?
I haven't myself.

Eric (13:01):
Yes, I used to work in childcare.

Matt (13:07):
Are you referring to when you were?

Eric (13:09):
and I believe the go on say it I believe, say it.

Matt (13:12):
I believe the proper term is karate man and I was a car
when I was a karate man um whenI was a karate man driving the
karate bus oh, come on, it's thekarate van and you would know
it, the karate van uh, thekarate 15 passenger van, I'll
have you know I drove one too.

Eric (13:33):
It doesn't make you special it was a daycare and,
and so we, we there were, and itwas not only like we had like
five and six year olds, but wealso like during summer camps
and stuff, and when parentswould come to pick up their kids
, they they bring like thelitlins, the toddlers, like, uh,
you know, would come with momand dad, sure, and and and we
had like a whole little littlearea for them to like play about

(13:56):
.
And we had, so we had so manybusted ass fisher price toys
that make no difference to atoddler.
You hand a toddler a brandspanking new fisher price little
phone and one we've hadrattling around in the back for
15 years.
They do not understand anydifference.

(14:16):
No, they will be just asdelighted.
But I was often offered thephone and and, and the one
thought that always, like justimmediately smashed me in the
face was what do you think ishappening right now?

Matt (14:32):
what do?

Eric (14:32):
you what it's like when you watch, when you watch like a
chimpanzee, like like lookingout at you with its sad
chimpanzee eyes from the zoo andyou're just like what are you
thinking right now?

Matt (14:46):
Probably that I'd like to rip your face off in that
circumstance.

Eric (14:50):
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Could not pay me
enough money to be in the sameroom as a chimpanzee.
No, they're crazy.
No, they'll fucking murder you,and as they should.
They're wild animals and theydo not belong with us.
But what do you?

Matt (15:04):
what?
What do you think?
What do you think Meaning thechild?
Yeah, what do I?
What do you?

Eric (15:10):
think the child thinks is happening Because they, because
clearly there's there's somelike just to get past the whole,
like, oh well, they're justimitating what they see other
people do with it.

Matt (15:21):
Fuck off we know that, get out of here.
Science.

Eric (15:27):
They're not.
I've never done anything in mylife where I was just like I'm
just going to do like I felt,like I'm questioning, I'm
wondering.

Matt (15:34):
I think that, while, yes, it's true that they're like
imitating what they feel likethey have seen and what they
feel like they're supposed to bedoing, I also think that the
power, the raw power ofimagination that is contained
within the developing mindbecomes foreign at a certain

(15:54):
point to some, maybe most adults.

Eric (16:00):
Yes, we lose that, that the connection with the raw
primal imaginarium.

Matt (16:06):
Yes, because what I think I see happening in those
circumstances is somebody whoobviously they're talking into
the phone, they're not hearinganything back, but they are
pretending in their head,they're imagining that there is
a voice, and they have done thatso well that they assume the

(16:26):
same thing is going to happenwhen you pick up the phone.
So I think when a toddler handsme the phone baby, we're at the
improv now and I cannot let myscene partner down I'm saying
you need to hear my government.
You got a yes and that baby, yougotta be like oh, what's this,

(16:47):
timmy?
Oh, it's a call for me, huhokay, let's just how the hell
did you get this number?
How?

Eric (16:56):
did you find me?

Matt (16:57):
timmy.
They found me and then throwthe phone.
I don't know how they found me.

Eric (17:00):
We got to get out of here, timmy that's good, that
actually offers come child, thatoffers range to what I think is
usually a pretty one noteinteraction that that kid's
gonna get from everyone, becauseit's always gonna be hello yeah
yeah, yes, oh I am here withlike they're so happy.
Fucking weak, fucking weak, dothey think?

Matt (17:21):
matt and bootsy, if I'm just saying Bootsy, you asked
the question.
You have a child.
If this happened to you, shameon you.
You know better.
You got an acting educationgirl.
You have a degree in playing.
Pretend I need you to answerthat phone and be like oh, is it
for me?
The test results came back.
Huh yeah, oh no.

Eric (17:43):
And you got to do it like in the movies.

Matt (17:45):
Don't say bye no, you can't say bye, you just gotta be
like hang up realizing who thisquestion came from.

Eric (17:51):
I, I imagine I, and knowing bootsy as a human being
that kid is will never lack forimagine it bootsy never lost.
No, no no bootsy never oncelaid down the sword that is her
boundless imagination and wonder.

Matt (18:08):
No, she exactly.
I was just going to say shevery much has that childhood
wonder.

Eric (18:13):
Yeah, that kid's going to be fine.
Yeah, boundless imagination.
But, matt, yes that that bringsme that a theory is forming in
my body.
That brings me that a theory isforming in my body.
You know, I just saw it.
Like 99 of the time theatermajors excluded when you're
doing this bit with the kid, allthe kid sees is you're picking
up the phone, you're you couldbe like they don't understand a

(18:36):
word want, want, want, want,want.
And then, but then they see, oh, they see how like happy you
are.
Yeah, do they think it's thehappy box?
Do they think like, if they're,like, if, if they're having a
bad time, do they just need thehappy book?

Matt (18:52):
because every time they talk, every time they, they,
they do this thing, suddenlythey're super happy and that
doesn't set up a child forsuccess, because almost 100 of
the time in this this the yearof our Lord, 2025, when you are
on the phone, if you are sounfortunate to find yourself on

(19:13):
a telephone conversation,something's bad, bad Something's
bad.

Eric (19:18):
Something's bad, you're calling about a prescription.

Matt (19:22):
You are being told negative news.

Eric (19:28):
Yeah, you, yeah, you are being told negative news.
Yeah, you're, you're, you're,you're being addressed by
someone who's pronouncing yourname wrong, yeah, and, and
they're referring to you as mror mrs, and I'm like that.
Nothing, nothing good comes ofthis, and that is why I feel
like you need to have the.

Matt (19:42):
They need to know it's not the happy box that a range of
emotions can be spurred on bywhat comes out of that box matt,
I think we're missing ourcalling and that is I think we
need.

Eric (19:55):
We need to start a children's theater that is just
children handing us toy phonesand we just do scenes and we
react to them and we, we, welive in the present moment okay,
let's try it, let's try it,okay.
Uh, do you want a goo goo gaga,or shall?

Matt (20:11):
I I'll I'll start the initial goo, goo gaga, okay oh,
what's hands what's?

Eric (20:19):
that, yeah, yeah, there's a bye.
So, no, I'm ruined.
Do you know what you've done tome?
Do you know that you've made anenemy for life?
I will find you and I will takeeverything you love and I
slammed the phone down.

Matt (20:37):
Then you slam down, yeah, and then I teach the kid how to
ruin somebody.
Sure, absolutely like we, we'regoing full daniel plainview it
seems a little dark, like alittle mature, but okay it's
like, uh, you know gotta, theygotta learn how to be an oil
baron someday someday, somedayall right, I'm gonna hit you

(21:01):
with a goo.

Eric (21:01):
goo gaga.
Okay, hit me with a goo googaga, I'll try.
Three, two, one.

Matt (21:07):
Oh, what's this Great?
Oh yeah, it's for me.
Hello, yeah, oh yeah, this isMatt.
Yes, yes, of course I know MrMadoff.
Yes, he's been my counting foryears.
Why what's happening?

Eric (21:23):
oh no, four years of acting school right, oh no eric,
I'm.

Matt (21:41):
I am acting for a, an audience of one who has an
underdeveloped brain, please.
Yeah, this is great I know what.

Eric (21:48):
I'm doing.
You're osmosising some mystery.

Matt (21:53):
Why you want it here.
Okay, you take it, try it again.

Eric (21:56):
Okay, try it again.

Matt (21:57):
Okay, three, two, one.

Eric (22:01):
Oh, thank you, Matt.
Matt, thank you so much forgiving me the phone.
Yeah, you're welcome.
Thank you, matt, you're welcome.
Hello Matt.
And then I turn staring at youbecause you're clearly like a
skin changer or something.
Oh yeah, it's like the thing,it's like the scene, when I

(22:21):
realize how are you talking tothis?
Yeah, it's like when I, it'slike the scene when I realize,
like into this, yeah, I'm goingto.
That'll be the achievement of alifetime when I can somehow
convey with my body language andthe tones of my voice, because
they don't understand words yet,but when I can convey with
those things, that I've pickedup the phone and that the child

(22:42):
who handed me the phone is onthe other side that they
understand that if I can get achild to understand that I can
get, I can fuck, I fucking we'll.
We'll knock out a bunch of them.
I'll teach them about mortality.
I'll teach you like we're like.

Matt (22:58):
This kid's gonna be set up for success when you say, knock
out a bunch of them, I'll teachthem about mortality.
What exactly is the bunch ofthem?

Eric (23:08):
a bunch of mortality, that all of reality is like a
consensus reality that can't bebased on anything we would
understand as objectivity,because objectivity does not
exist.
Interesting that kind of stuff,sure sure yeah Sounds good.

Matt (23:30):
I mean I think let's get you a child today.
Let's not, You're not withinyour rights, I'm not within my
rights.

Eric (23:41):
I'm also biologically incapable.

Matt (23:44):
Well, not biologically Well, not biologically, Well not
biologically, physically, snip,snip.

Eric (23:49):
Talk to your doctor today.

Matt (23:52):
I mean, if you want to, if that is what you want, if
that's what you want, if youwant to be snipped and clipped,
if you want, if you want, it'spretty great.
I think we answered thequestion.
Yeah, we nailed it, and I thinkthat because we got to get into
a major, major question thatcame across the desk we don't

(24:13):
know where it came from, and bythat I mean I wrote it down one
day and it's perfect, eric.
I think I I'm gonna say thatwhat we have been charged with
today, eric, what we are goingto provide for the audience, is
we you daft are going to solvethe trolley problem, let's

(24:35):
fucking go Two tracks.
I think this calls for a daftinvestigation.
Hit them with sound.
Think this calls for a daftinvestigation.
Hit them with sound Now, eric.
Yeah, why don't you real quick,as a baseline for our audience,
who may or may not understandwhat the trolley problem refers

(25:01):
to hit us with the trolleyproblem.

Eric (25:03):
A track and there's a split in the track and one track
has a single person laying onit tied up, they're bound, they
can't move they can't leave.
And then the other track hasfive people on it and the
trolley is head currently, withthe way the tracks are aligned

(25:24):
is going to go down the splitand run over five people.
Yeah, you have the option.
You are standing in front of alever that, if you pull it,
we'll switch the track to theother side and save those five
people, but it will kill oneperson yeah, and I think the
heart of the the problem is isit?

Matt (25:45):
is it the heart?

Eric (25:46):
of the problem is who the fuck is going around tying
people up to train tracks.

Matt (25:51):
I feel like we don't talk about that and that's what we're
going to get down to.
But I I think what it's tryingto say is is it preferable to
let the trolley continue on itsway, kill those five people, or
do you sacrifice one for thegreater good?
But the other thing to keep inmind with the trolley problem is
, of course, that the track isset for the five people.

(26:13):
That's the default.
So to save those five and onlysacrifice one person, you must
act and you must choose to killthe one person.
And that is where people get alittle emotional about this,
this quandary.
So to solve the trolley problem, it seems to me, requires us to

(26:35):
find a way to save all sixpeople.
And how do we do that?

Eric (26:38):
Or kill all six people or kill all Like.
That's what I'm, that's what Iagree with, that I think it's
like one way or the other, leaveno job unfinished to that end.

Matt (26:51):
It seems like there's only two possible solutions.
We can go down.
Okay, you correct me if I'mwrong.
You need to stop the trolley.
Yes, I have.

Eric (27:07):
I have a pitch and I would love to hear it.
The trolley pop problemtraditionally posits asserts
that it is a binary choice.
Yes, not between one track orthe other, but a binary choice
of how you switch the tracks.
Let me hit you with this.
We're talking, okay, it's atrolley on train track on like

(27:31):
tracks, and there's an old timeyfucking track switcher.
Here's what you do you linethat motherfucker up so the
trolley will derail.
Now you might be thinking, butmatt.
You might be thinking, but Matt.
But you might be thinking, butpoach, what about the safety of
the person driving the trolley?
And here's where, here's what Iwould posit.

(27:53):
Tell me a couple things.
One, we're talking about atrolley operator who has been
riding this trolley anddefinitely sees that there's a
bunch of people tied to thetracks like 100, are we sure the
trolley?
is operated, the trolley'soperated, the trolley's moving.
There's got to be someone atthe fucking wheel and that

(28:14):
person has a responsibility.
A to so like this is alsopositing that we're in a world
where a trolley operator isdriving a trolley that has no
brakes.
It's a trolley.
It is a cart with some giddy upthat is like the.
It's not a.
It's not the train problem.
It's not like the bullet trainproblem.

(28:35):
It's true, it is the trolleyproblem.
So by derailing the trolley, andwhat I would do, I'd fucking
move the switch those up andjust point out like there you go
, bud, you're going to derail.
Then the trolley operator isfaced with a terrible choice Do
they stay on the trolley that'sabout to derail or do they I

(28:56):
don't know jump the fuck off?
It's going five miles an hour.
They can stay on the trolley.
It won't even it will derail inthe most basic sense that it
will no longer be on a rail.
It's not gonna fucking destroythe town.

Matt (29:09):
Eric, I don't think that the track switcher is so
loosey-goosey that it can be inbetween settings.

Eric (29:19):
It truly is oh, it happens all the time.

Matt (29:22):
I don't think it does, eric.
I do not think it does, I'mgonna fucking all right fine, do
some research.

Eric (29:28):
I'm gonna, I'm gonna do.

Matt (29:29):
So I'm gonna do my own research I think it's about
fucking time if I'm being honestwith you, because let's explore
the other option, because let'ssay okay, let's say you can't
just switch the thing and itwill derail.
I feel like the spirit of thequestion is insinuating that
there's only enough time for youto pull the lever.

(29:51):
You are walking along thetrackside trail and you come to
the track switcher.
You happen to see these peopleall tied up, you see the trolley
coming and you just, you justhave enough time to pull the
pull the thing.

Eric (30:08):
That's, you have enough time to make a.
You have to make a splitdecision.

Matt (30:11):
It has to be a split second decision and, in that
regard, how much time or in whatway can we utilize this very
small amount of time to save allthese people?
For example, something thatjumps to mind switch the track,
but do you have enough time totry to run and untie the one

(30:35):
person?
Because you can't untie allfive people.
No way, no, no way, but youmight.
You might be able to get thatone person free.

Eric (30:44):
And that absolves you of murdering them if they do end up
getting squished.

Matt (30:51):
No, if you fail, you're putting yourself in danger.
Yeah, now, all of this is nulland void if you, if the person
in question is or has access toSpider-Man, in which case we all
know that he can do a quickspider-man too, and and hold
that train back, stop it andthen and then all the people,

(31:15):
when they get untied they'llpick him up and they'll carry
like watch out.
He's a hero.
He's a hero.
He's a hero.
By the way, if you've met, youhaven't.
You must play the Spider-Mangames for PS5.

Eric (31:26):
I need to because they look stupidly fun.

Matt (31:28):
They are stupidly fun.
Do you get to stop any subwaysIn two?
In Spider-Man 2, there's anamazing little moment and I
don't think this is spoilinganything, but they are
underground and a train iscoming and two, you're playing
with both peter parker and milesmorales and peter jumps in
front of the train, gets onfront of it.

(31:49):
Does that?
Yep, does the crucifixion andit breaks immediately and he
just goes.

Eric (31:56):
Worked last time ah, nice, yeah, yeah nice.

Matt (32:00):
That's what I did too.

Eric (32:01):
I went nice, nice is that what he's gonna say when the
trolley kills ah, we're last.

Matt (32:06):
Well, we're last time um wait.

Eric (32:08):
Okay, so back the fuck up.
Sorry, I'm not allowed to livein a world where track switches
can move halfway, which Igoogled it.
They can't in this one.
Um, that's neither here there,but you're allowed to posit
spider-mans's.

Matt (32:22):
I just I said, if you happen to be Spider-Man, you
have a built-in way out, or ifSpider-Man's around, okay.

Eric (32:31):
If he's around, he's always in here.
I'm tapping my heart.
He's always in here.

Matt (32:36):
If you see him swinging by you can be like, hey, webhead,
get down here, ah, okay.

Eric (32:44):
So how solve?

Matt (32:46):
You mean in the case that there's no Spider-Man around?

Eric (32:49):
Yeah, yeah, if there's no Spider-Man on hand.
A Spider-Man in the hand isbetter than two in the bush, but
we have neither Are we goingwith the idea that there's only
enough time for like a splitsecond decision.
Or at least there's at leastenough time because there a
split second decision, or atleast there's at least enough
time because there's splitsecond, which is like you're
just suddenly dropped in thesituation but like we'll say you

(33:12):
, you have four fullforeknowledge of what what's
going to happen.

Matt (33:15):
You see the trolley coming , but this is not necessarily
five feet in front of you andyou have enough time to throw a
switch, that is.

Eric (33:23):
that is like the amount of time you have to act, whatever,
but you can do anything thatyou could do in the time it
takes to throw a train trackswitch.
I'm gonna look up how long thatis, isn't it just?
How long does it take to pull atrain track switch?
I think it's just the switch,my guy no, but the time it takes

(33:44):
to pull a train track switchvaries depending on the type of
switch and the specific railroad.
However, it generally takesaround 30 seconds to two minutes
.
Really, yeah.
So yeah, we've got some, we'vegot some.
I think this is how we solvedit.
We actually looked up how longit takes to switch a fucking
track.
Okay.

Matt (34:05):
So all right If cause it's 30 seconds, I feel a whole hell
of a lot better about trying toget that one person free.

Eric (34:12):
We'll we'll assume 30 seconds, We'll be we'll, we'll,
we'll make this challenge.
I think in 30 seconds you canuntie somebody because that's
what I'm saying.

Matt (34:22):
I think you can untie somebody or at least get in
there Like do you have a knifeon you?
We don't know.
We have to assume the answer isno.

Eric (34:32):
We have to assume that you are knifeless in this train.
Trolley track ridden land, yeah, although.

Matt (34:40):
Although If we listened to our previous guest, becky, and
we kept a knife on us, At alltimes.
This is an argument.

Eric (34:48):
This is Becky.
Thank you for being right, likeyou always are.
Yes.

Matt (34:54):
Now.
So I am on the Trolley ProblemWiki and I am trying to.
There's a Trolley Problem Wiki.
Okay, I'm on the Wikipedia pagefor the Trolley Problem.
Okay, I was'm on the wikipediapage for the trolley.

Eric (35:04):
Okay, I was like is there a fandom wiki for the trolley
problem?
No, there's no fandom.
Can we make one?
Can we make the dumbest wiki?

Matt (35:14):
ever eric.

Eric (35:14):
There's not yet a daft wiki or even a wikipedia entry
so I think it's even better ifwe make a trolley problem wiki
before we even make our own wiki.

Matt (35:23):
We can't make our own wiki well no, no, that's just sad
looks meaningfully at the camerauh, but, but, and there is a
whole thing on criticism, butit's all basically all about how
.
Uh, the criticism is that thetrolley problem doesn't really
is too extreme and isunconnected to real life moral

(35:46):
situations to be useful oreducational.

Eric (35:49):
Yeah, I mean at the end of the day, that in and of itself
is a solution to the trolleyproblem, because I study
Buddhism.

Matt (35:59):
Now here's a question.
What?
Here's a question, before youget too deep down that rabbit
hole.
Yeah, do we know these sixpeople on the down that rabbit
hole?
Yeah, do we know these sixpeople on the train tracks?
Honestly, if we know them, thatmakes it easier.

Eric (36:09):
Yeah, I think it's assumed they're strangers, because if
you let me because then it justbecomes a question of like well,
do you only give a fuck if it'ssomeone you know?

Matt (36:17):
exactly, and you get paralyzed by indecision, like
hamlet or you don't, because,like, if there are five people
tied to a track that I don'tknow and one person that I care
about that is on the other sidesorry, sorry, five people,
you're probably gone and I'mjust and also that's the way the

(36:38):
train track is and I can liftmy hands up and say I didn't
interfere that's the way thetrain track is um.

Eric (36:45):
So I study buddhism.
I I it's.

Matt (36:47):
It's an interest of mine, sure and and I have seen the
white lotus season three, so I'mup to nice.
Oh yeah, you're.
We're basically like the same.

Eric (36:56):
I'm right there with you.
But the the problem is likethis is a lot of people will
come to like buddhistcommunities and stuff and
they'll be like well then, howdo you solve the trolley problem
with your worldview?
And the overwhelming responseis I don't know.
When I find myself in thatsituation, then I'll make a

(37:16):
decision.

Matt (37:17):
Well, guess what, my Buddha buddy, you found yourself
in that situation.
There you are.
You are at the trolleycrossroads, but I'm not, I've
never in that situation.
There you are?

Eric (37:25):
You are at the trolley crossroads, but I'm not.
I've never.
I've never in my life.
Who's got?
This brings me back to whatsnidely whiplash motherfucker is
going around tying people tothese tracks.

Matt (37:36):
Eric, we can worry about that investigation after we
figure out how to solve thesepeople.

Eric (37:41):
But what if he has the antidote to train track problems
?
The antidote, the assassinalways carries the antidote
about them, you don't?
You don't think he would?

Matt (37:53):
tie those people if he didn't have a way to reverse it.
Not, no, no, no, no, that'seric.
You're thinking, eric?
You've confused the trolleyproblem with poison.

Eric (37:59):
Ah, every time, every fucking time.

Matt (38:02):
That's poison.
No, no, no.

Eric (38:03):
These people are physically to attract well, yeah
, but he had to have put in likea back door.
I'm, I'm approaching this likea hurt locker situation now
where, like I'm, I'm, I'm thedude who voices, uh jeremy
renner.

Matt (38:20):
Jeremy renner, I'm hawkeye .
Right, I'm hawkeye and we'regonna say voices hawkeye as
opposed to the rest of hisphysical body no, I confused
jeremy renner and bradley cooperfor a second.

Eric (38:33):
I was gonna say voices, rocket, raccoon.
But I was like that's notbrando, all that's wrong, all
that's wrong.
So when, hawkeye, when I'm likein my heart, when I'm like
Hawkeye in my hurt locker andI'm like in the shit, I'm at the
switch, I take off my train,defusing helmet and fucking the

(38:56):
commander's coming on the phone,the toddler's handing me the
phone, toddler's handing you aphone now.
Toddler's, one of the peopletied to the track and hands me
the phone and it's like mycommander and he's like.
He's like you get.
You put that.
You put that.
Stop regulation.
You put this.

Matt (39:10):
I can't think, I can't think, I need to think.

Eric (39:13):
Shut up I throw the phone away.
I throw the phone, I like lookat the kid and I'm like I give
him like one of those like winks, like no one's gonna die today,
shoot him a look and that's.
But like that's where I solveit.
Is it like in that, like whenthe pressure?

Matt (39:29):
this is me describing by the way, this is what.

Eric (39:32):
ADHD does to any basic task.
It turns it into the hurtlocker.

Matt (39:36):
I was just going to say.
Can I interrupt you for just asecond, Just to inform you that
not a single member of theaudience was able to follow the
garbledygook that just came outof your mouth.

Eric (39:46):
If you were able to follow the garbledygook that just came
out of my mouth, go ahead, dropus a line call into the thought
line.
Matt, give him the number410-929-5329.

Matt (39:59):
Yeah, yeah, go ahead.

Eric (40:00):
Call in, just give me a little solidarity, like yeah, no
, I got it, I'm with PoachHashtag, I'm with Poach, then
I'm sorry.

Matt (40:09):
I'm the weak-minded one of the two of us.
Why don't you just give me thequick spark notes on how that
solved the trolley problem?

Eric (40:16):
Matt, it doesn't, matt, just give me the spark notes
here, my sweet, sweet boy.

Matt (40:20):
Just give me the spark notes, give me the cliff notes
of it.

Eric (40:23):
Matt.

Matt (40:24):
I cannot.
Ai summary it for me, my guy.

Eric (40:31):
I cannot create a symphony without the proper causes and
conditions.
What I'm merely setting up isthat this is the situation in
which inspiration will guide meto solve the trolley problem,
and I'll just switch it over toone.
I'll just kill one person.
Like, at the end of the day,'re just gonna kill the one
person yeah, I'm just gonna whatif you know the one person, uh,
whoa, whoa, now we're pollutingthe experiment.

(40:52):
What, what's, what's this?

Matt (40:53):
I thought we had polluting they were strangers, polluting
or evolving I see, okay, allright, fine, so you're saying,
if it's five and one, andthey're all strangers, but the
problem is solved for you bykilling the one person.
We are abandoning the idea ofnot.
What would you do in thetrolley situation?

(41:15):
We are abandoning the idea thatthere can be a solution where
everybody wins.
Is that what you're saying?

Eric (41:21):
Well, that depends Matt.

Matt (41:23):
On.

Eric (41:24):
You tell me how do we walk away from this?

Matt (41:26):
I've laid down several, several situations.
Already.
I mentioned the spider-man thespider.

Eric (41:32):
Okay, oh well, all right, all right all right hold on a
gerbil de-gook man over hereyou're telling me that I ain't
got my shit right.
But busting out spider man, youspend 30 seconds saying
absolutely nothing.

Matt (41:51):
I hate.
Welcome to the show.
Welcome to the show.
What I'm saying is are wefighting right now?
Yeah, I think so.
Oh, thank god, I put.
I put out the spider manproposal.
I put out, I put out the.
I put out the proposal oftrying to untie the person.
And maybe you fail.
But there's no way you canuntie five people in the time.

(42:13):
You can maybe untie the onespider-man could do it in that
circumstance.

Eric (42:19):
Obviously spider-man's not around in that circumstance,
nothing bad ever happens,because it's a world where
Spider-Man exists.

Matt (42:27):
Eric, there's so much bad stuff that exists in a world
with Spider-Man, that's hiswhole purpose.
Matt, let me evolve it for you,all right?
Fine, evolve it for me.
And let me just say, before youevolve it, I don't like your
attitude.

Eric (42:43):
Note taken.
I thank you.
I'm absorbing that feedback,thank you be a sponge bitch five
strangers on one track yeahspider-man on the other well,
you said spider-man, so thereit's.

Matt (42:57):
It's both spider-man and miles morales's spider-man, or?

Eric (43:00):
no, no, no, it's just the one spider.
No, no, spider verse.
No, spider verse is off thetable.
It is this continuityspider-man, it's.
It's earth.
616 is spider-man and he is.
He is tied to the track andit's five strangers tied to the
other.
And matt let me add anotherlayer of this to you it is

(43:20):
already heading towardsspider-man.

Matt (43:22):
Oh, oh, it's already heading towards Spider-Man, so
Matt what do you do in this?

Eric (43:29):
And he's tied up in anti-Doc Ock's got like these
anti-Spider-Man ropes Sure, sure, sure, he's not getting out of
there.
Yeah, snidely Octopus has gothim.

Matt (43:39):
Well, first of all, Spider-Man would tell me to
sacrifice him.

Eric (43:43):
Of course he would, I feel very confident.
But now, but now, matt, thefive people on the other side
are saying no, matt, the worldneeds spider-man, kill us, and
but spider-man is like?

Matt (43:56):
and one of them is a toddler and one of them's
toddler who's trying to hand mea phone.

Eric (44:01):
I was trying desperately trying to hand you the phone.
It's it's.
It's the president.
He's like he's pardoning you.
I was desperately trying tohand you the phone.
It's the president.
He's pardoning you from yourstay of execution.
You're going to live becausethey're definitely going to put
you in the chair.
If you kill Spider-Man or thesefive people, the indemnity
cannot be understated Real quick.

Matt (44:22):
Yeah, it's just now occurring to me that you
introduced spider-man into aphilosophical debate we're
sitting here we're talking aboutI got spider-man on one side, I
got these five people tellingme to kill them yeah, they're
begging for it, even the toddleron the other side, I'm
paralyzed by indecision, andthis indecision, as I'm standing

(44:46):
here on the minefield of thisphilosophical train track, this
epistological minefield.
I go back to how much time dowe have?
But what that's really asking,and because we said at least 30
seconds, right, that's whatwe're assuming.

(45:13):
Let's call it 30 seconds, andthat is in trolley time.
That's an eternity, do we?
My thought went.
Do I have enough time to getinto the trolley problem,
implying that the trolley iseither driverless or that the
driver is maniacally headingtowards killing these five

(45:33):
people?
Or in your circumstanceSpider-Man, in which case I
assume the driver is some sortof supervillain.

Eric (45:41):
Most likely it's Trolley man.
He didn't take off, that's,that's my whole thing, because
I'm like, look, if you're gonnaforce me to be in a in a in a in
a reality where I could findmyself in this situation, I'm
not gonna.
I refuse to buy like, oh, butno one's driving the trolley.
No, someone's driving thattrolley with intent.

(46:01):
A trolley has brakes, exactly,trolley's got brakes.

Matt (46:05):
That's my point.

Eric (46:07):
I think the weaker among us would like us to assume it's
driverless, but that, like you,cannot ignore the human element.
There's someone behind thewheel of that trolley who knows
what's happening and is refusingto either cannot brake, which
why?
Yeah, it's a trolley.

Matt (46:26):
You could probably get out and stop it by, like fucking
pushing hard enough, or I thinkyou really undersell the
engineering of a trolley man, Icould kick the shit out of a
trolley, you don't beat atrolley's ass.
You see, a fucking trolley comeout for our san franciscan uh
listeners please wait the shitout of your public
transportation way in on thetrolley, and whether or not a

(46:47):
single human man could quoteunquote kick the shit out of a
trolley.

Eric (46:53):
This is what I need on the t-shirt.
I'm gonna quote I'm gonna beatthe shit out of your public
transportation and you can quoteme on that.
Eric, put it in the merch store.
20 off if you give four dollarsa month to our patreon anti,
anti public transportation.

Matt (47:13):
Eric famously transportist .

Eric (47:21):
Eric transport transportist sounds like I'm the
guy that decides who who getssent to australia, instead of
getting hanged at the bailey,that's.
That's for anyone who lives inengland or reads books um so
okay, so 30 seconds.

Matt (47:40):
There's a decision to make .
There's a decision.
The easy decision is do we killspider-man?
Do we do we kill spider-man orthe other persons, or including
a toddler?
Do we try to get into thetrolley and stop the hijacker?

Eric (47:57):
I think we, we get into the trolley because one of two
things one, it's being driven bysomeone who is incapable of
stopping it.
Yeah, in which case, we triedsomething, we tried, we tried
fucking something without thatdid not involve our first
thought going to deciding wholives and who dies.

(48:17):
Now, we tried to fight thesystem and I think that matters.

Matt (48:21):
We tried to well, you tried to do the right thing, you
tried to bring a maniac tojustice.
But what I'm realizing, eric,while you were answering that
question that I posed to you,something else hit my brain.
What If we only have 30 secondsand we're running towards a
trolley that is coming toward us?
We're barely going to have anytime for the fight, let alone

(48:44):
for the wheels to go and come toa complete stop.
It's just not going to work.
It's just not enough time Now,matt.
So that means we can't get inthe trolley.
To stop the trolley of its ownmeans.
We need to introduce a wall, weneed to drive a pickup truck or
some other sort of thing, ormaybe I don't know switch the

(49:08):
tracks over, so it's onlyhalfway, so the train derails.
I thought you looked it up andyou said it couldn't be done.
Science said no, can you jamopen the tracks with a rock?

Eric (49:20):
I think 30 seconds is enough time to find a rock and
wedge it in such a way that whenyou go to switch the track it
doesn't switch all the way over.

Matt (49:29):
Do we know how close the people are to the track switcher
?
Because if they're too closethere runs the possibility of
the runaway train kind ofkilling everybody, including us.

Eric (49:42):
I think in my mind I've always imagined it.
You know, like the tracksdiverge.
It's like a big, it's like a Y,and then the tracks have to
straighten again.
I think the people are where itstraightens again.
They have to be like that far,so it's like a 100%.
I think that's yeah.
I think that's to avoid anysort of close call indemnity on
our part.

Matt (50:02):
So in your mind.
Then you get it halfway.
You wedged it with a rock, thatis just so, and the trolley
derails and it goes perfectly inbetween these two people.

Eric (50:15):
It probably won't go perfectly, but at that point I
don't see how.
At that point, it's in DaddyGod's hands.
At that point, my slate isclean.
Okay, well, at that point, it'sin daddy god's hands.
At that point, my slate isclean.
Okay, well, at that point, if,if.
At that point matt, if, after,if, within 30 seconds of become
like just having become aware ofthis problem, having formulated

(50:36):
the part, I was like oh like,looking around, like, fucking,
like, like rdj, fucking sher.
They're like oh no, grab therock, place in the track, pull
track kind of halfway Sure Umafter all of that, if I've done
all that, I think two big wordscome to mind.

(50:56):
Matt, know what they are duediligence.
I've done it, I've done it,eric?

Matt (51:04):
I think perhaps.
We have.

Eric (51:07):
I've exerted far more effort than any smug
motherfucker did when theypulled the switch track.
I'm like no, sorry, I have eyesand ears and hands and a brain
and a fucking heart.
I'm like all or nothing, baby.
All or nothing.

Matt (51:25):
I think you are very wise and I think, as TS Eliot put it,
we have truly arrived at theend of our exploring and have
known the place for the firsttime, which is to say, your
original idea might have beenthe best.
Thank you, might have been thebest.

Eric (51:44):
Thank you.

Matt (51:45):
It might have been the best, but you did tell me it
wasn't possible and I do feellike you have very much
discounted my try to free theperson on the solo side.
And I don't even have to getinto how derogatorily you spoke
about my Spider-Man theory.
I don't even need to addressthat, do I?

Eric (52:03):
No, matt.
New trolley problem On the onetrack is Aunt May, on the other
track is Uncle Ben.
Oh no, now Matt.
Oh yeah, matt, now Matt.
It is already going at Aunt May.
Okay, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I made it too easy for you, thetrain is already going at Aunt

(52:24):
May.
Okay, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I made it too easy for you.
The train is already going atUncle Ben.
Yeah, done Easy.
Sure, it is not going at AuntMay.
Yeah, now here's the thing Ifit runs over Uncle Ben, we get
Spider-Man, yeah, but if youswitch it to Aunt May, we do not
get Spider-Man.

(52:46):
So you're implying thatspider-man didn't love aunt may
enough that to become asuperhero no, it's just that,
like as has been demonstrated inthe spider-verse, uncle ben
dying, he's like a fixed pointin time yes, I was gonna say
you're fucking you're fuckingwith the, the sacred timeline
yeah, I was gonna let him die.

Matt (53:03):
This is not actually a problem.
You have to kill uncle ben.
He dies in all continuities, sohe must die.
He has to die.
I'm sorry, uncle ben no, okay,we solved it.
Just kill uncle ben.
Yeah, no, that's the easy one.

Eric (53:14):
Uncle ben must die honestly, yeah, no, I think wait
that that.
There it is, you've nailed it,so we we've, we.
That's the key.
We just have to make sure thatuncle ben dies and Spider-Man
can come in and save everybodythere you go.
We solved it.

Matt (53:28):
I thought we already solved it, but sure, we solved
it again.

Eric (53:31):
We solved it better, good, better, best solved the
question, so nice, we solved ittwice.

Matt (53:37):
Thank you for the question myself, and I think we can
close the books on whatever itis that that was this Play the
music.
All right, well, with the, withthis, with the trolley problem
officially behind us, becauseand again, I do think our

(54:01):
official answer was rock jam,the thing it goes perfectly in
between done, flawless solution,flawless solution, and I'm sure
you all are grateful for it.

Eric (54:11):
Call the thought line.
Let us know how right we were.

Matt (54:14):
All right.
With all that said, it is nowtime for Google gripes.
We're here in season five,round one, part two.
We're here in season five,round one, part two.
And if you're new to the show,again, as I always say with this
disclaimer, what an episode tohave chosen, yes.
So with the trolley problemsolved, we move on to this

(54:34):
lighthearted game called GoogleGripes, where we tell each other
one star Google reviews,they're real.
One star Google reviews and theother person guesses.
We did three seasons ofwell-known places and now we've
done.

Eric (54:47):
We're on our second season of well-known movies so I'm
gonna read off matt a bunch of abunch of one-star movie reviews
.
I got three movies here for youand you're gonna guess and
where you came in.

Matt (55:00):
Right now the live score, the live table, is two out of
three is what you got in thefirst one, so ain't bad.
Two out of three, ain't bad.

Eric (55:09):
Two is my number to hit or beat for the two out of three
ain't bad, just like the numberof people saved in a trolley
problem.
There you go.
Are you prepared?

Matt (55:18):
what would sully do in the trolley problem?

Eric (55:20):
we can't go back.
Wait which sully monstersanchor x files sully
sullenberger eric.

Matt (55:28):
Sully miracle in the hudson sully sully tom hanks
sully if he says sully and sullyif he says it enough times I
might have seen.
I've never seen miracle in thehudson miracle in the hudson's a
real life fucking event eric anairplane landed, no casualties,

(55:49):
in the middle of the hudsonriver the plane, okay, okay.

Eric (55:53):
Now see if you'd opened with hey remember like 80 years
ago in a plane.
Oh, I'm sorry.

Matt (55:59):
I thought everyone knew who American hero Sully
Sullenberger was, so fuck me.

Eric (56:05):
I guess You're out here coming at me with just saying
Sully.
Over and over again, I'm likewhich, sully?
And then you're like tom hanks,I'm like what the fuck are you
talking about?

Matt (56:12):
all right, eric.
All right, I can't.
I can't eric, I can't with yougive me these reviews.

Eric (56:19):
I can and I will.
All right, I love you.

Matt (56:22):
I love you too I love you so much, against my will first
movie, thank you.

Eric (56:29):
First review, thank god.
All caps spoilers ahead.
Pure baloney, if you ask me.
Apparently that's spoiler.
I don't know why everyonethinks this is such a romantic
story.
Blank literally tried jumpingoff the blank and then blank
took her to the edge of theblank for that ridiculous scene

(56:49):
everyone loves so much.
What if she jumped off like shetried earlier?
To make matters worse, the twomade a cross symbol and I
thought this movie was free ofreligious messages.
Just goes to show everything'spolitical nowadays.
I do not recommend watchingthis trashy flop of a movie okay
, I have a you might interestingguess okay.

(57:11):
Do you want to take it?
Do you want to risk it all?
No, no you want to play yourshot in the dark.

Matt (57:16):
Uh, no, I would like you.

Eric (57:18):
I would like you to go ahead and continue okay go ahead
and continue I and remember westart easy and then it gets
harder.
Oh yeah sure sure, absolutelysecond review.
This must be the most overratedfilm in human history.
Too long, too dramatic,overrated and boring until the
thing happens.
The awful theme song A BoredHousewife's Favorite is simply

(57:40):
dreadful, to the point where Iwould love to meet famous
musician and give her a goodslap over it.
Some scenes are good, butthankfully I didn't have to pay
to watch it, or I would havewanted my money back.

Matt (57:50):
Oh sure, yeah.
Oh, what?
Could it be long-term listenerswho already know?

Eric (57:55):
my suspicion continue look , sometimes you gotta hand him a
gimme.
This film is too boring.
I hate the story because thisis fiction and a strong parietal
guidance and copied other filmand so many like ew.
And now this film is one of myhate films and movie is not

(58:17):
about love, is about tragedy.
And now I like other film thanthis film and there are no blank
and blank in blank.

Matt (58:25):
Too many kissing and naked ew okay, um, I have a guess
okay um, my guess is you didn'tcheck the spreadsheet of movies
we've already done on this showwas it on there.

Eric (58:38):
I looked at it, I consulted it.
Hold on, I'm gonna be sofucking mad.

Matt (58:43):
Just give it a look, just give it a look and see if your
heart will go on after that.

Eric (58:48):
Oh you, mother oh, you're highlighting son of a bitch.

Matt (58:53):
Well, I deserve this titanic eric it's titanic is
this fuck, I even I look at itbecause we're keeping it, we're
keeping it.

Eric (59:05):
I, I knew the rules going in and I and I failed.
And here's the fucked up thing.
I checked this thing fuckingtwice because I was like, I was
like we had to have done titanic.
I'm looking, I'm looking allthe way like we had to have done
.
I was like, oh, we didn'tfucking easy the adhd tax hold
on a second, so I'm just lookingat home alone.

Matt (59:26):
Good, bad ugly ring.
That was you jurassic parkshrek gone with the wind that
was me, okay, so it was megiving it to you, thank god, but
for a hot second.

Eric (59:38):
I was like did he hold on twice?
Let me just gather up mydignity yeah, um, but no, the
good news is now if you win byone point, it's just because I
fucked up and I can take solacein that.

Matt (59:50):
I would, I'd put it to you another way, eric.
I would say now we, in thatcircumstance, we would be even
for your asterisk in season.

Eric (59:59):
So now my win is legitimized.

Matt (01:00:02):
Yes.

Eric (01:00:02):
If I win, yes.

Matt (01:00:06):
Damn it If I win by one.
I hate, if I win by two, whichI intend to.
I don't even like movies.
I hate if I win by two, which Iintend to, I don't even like
movies, I hate movies.
I don't think that's wrong.
Movies are this.

Eric (01:00:22):
Let's move on to movie number two.
I'm flipping off the screen.
Let's move on to movie numbertwo.

Matt (01:00:25):
All right, all right.
I can't wait to see which filmwe've already done.

Eric (01:00:29):
I got to fucking check the fucking thing.
Now I'm never going to be ableto trust my eyes.

Matt (01:00:41):
Damn my eyes um okay, we're good.
I even made eric, I gotta say,before this.
It's such a good spreadsheet.
I even made sure to add thethree movies I did in round one
for yes you did and you neededto.
I'm gonna, since I'm in thespreadsheet.

Eric (01:00:52):
Titanic again, uh, okay, great I'm gonna make it my
tradition now.
Each year I'm gonna try to workin titanic.
Eventually it becomes a bluff.
Is he describing titanic or ishe doing that other movie about
a boat sink?
You're playing the game withinthe game.
Now where it's it's.

(01:01:14):
It's a new generation ofsurvivor, that's right.
We knew where the the we got.
We have to evolve to the meta.
That's right, all right.
Second movie god damn it holdon.

Matt (01:01:27):
I hear an ice cream truck I know, dude, it's killing me.

Eric (01:01:30):
I want ice cream.
So bad.

Matt (01:01:31):
Oh, it's on your end oh, it's on my end, dog oh, fuck oh
man, I thought I was gonna haveto say excuse me, eric, I have
to go the the mat signal is lit,do you get?

Eric (01:01:45):
an ice cream truck through your neighborhood?
No, we have not yet, and weshould.
We've got children.
We have children around've gotchildren.

Matt (01:01:49):
We have children.
We have children around.
We got the little yellow guyout front.
We got them tied down to thetrolley tracks out back.
We got them tied down in thetracks where they belong.

Eric (01:02:01):
So movie two.
Movie two, review number one.
You know I've never watchedmovie and people always find it
surprising, but the reason isquite simple.
When the movie came out, I wasvery young and my family
couldn't afford to go to themovies.
Often by the time I was oldenough to watch it on my own.
I just never got around to it.

(01:02:21):
It's not that I don't want towatch it, it's just that I've
never felt the urge to do so.
I do know that it's a belovedclassic and maybe someday I'll
sit down and finally give it awatch, but for now it remains
one of those pop culture blindspots that people can't believe
I haven't experienced yet.
So let's just back that up.
It is a one-star google reviewwhere the person is
acknowledging fully that theyhave never seen this movie yeah,

(01:02:46):
that I'm.

Matt (01:02:48):
I'm gonna be honest with you.
I don't see a whole lot ofhints in that one, but let's's
go.

Eric (01:02:53):
It's beloved and famous enough that someone felt the
need to leave a one-star reviewwhere they said never seen it.

Matt (01:02:59):
That's the only thing that I got out of it is that it is,
in fact, a well-known movie.

Eric (01:03:04):
We're ramping up the difficulty.
Second review Okay,inappropriate for children.
This movie got my kids thinkingabout death.
Every night I wake up to mykids screaming the blanks are
coming to get me or, sorry, letme rephrase the blanks are
coming to eat me.
My five-year-old son moved hisbed into his closet and locked

(01:03:27):
the door and we couldn't unlockit because he hid the key and we
had to bring in a chainsaw toopen the door.

Matt (01:03:34):
What the?

Eric (01:03:34):
fuck, do not let your kids see this.
It is inappropriate, it isillegal, it is violent.
I'd rather die than let my kidswatch this Mass care.

Matt (01:03:45):
Did they lock the door to a panic room?
What do you mean?
You had to use a chainsaw.

Eric (01:03:52):
I don't write the reviews, man, I just deliver them I.

Matt (01:03:55):
I am worried about that child's well-being.

Eric (01:03:57):
You could have taken the doorknob off first and and matt,
you're about to learn why, uh,that first review was allowed to
be here, because here's reviewnumber three.
Oh good, this movie is sooverrated.
First of all, the protagonistsare easily one of the worst.
Let's take that again.

(01:04:18):
I just wanted you all to hearthat, first of all, the
protagonists are easily one ofthe worst.
We've got Blank, who is ajealous wreck.
Blank who thinks he's perfectbut really isn't.
He just can't learn a lesson.
Mr Blank is an arrogant blankthat thinks he's perfect.

(01:04:38):
Like Blank In this movie wespend way too much time at
Blank's house, plus, the humandesigns of the humans look awful
.
Blank and Blank all look likerobots to me.
I just don't the any of thesecharacters Parentheticals,
except for Blank and Blank.
All look like robots to me.
I just don't the any of thesecharacters Parentheticals,
except for Blank and Blank.
There are only two good scenesin this stupid, overrated movie.

(01:05:03):
One is when Blank realizes heis not a stupid Blank because
after this scene is finally notmy least favorite character in
the entire cinema and secondly,the scene where blank and blank
have that conversation.
Only two good scenes in thisGod awful movie.

(01:05:24):
It is a miracle that two is my10th favorite movie of all time,
and three is my second favoritemovie of all time because the
series got 100 times better thanthis god-awful movie.
I am so sorry to the people thatlove this movie so much,
because if you like this moviebecause if you like this movie,

(01:05:44):
they wrote it twice you won'tenjoy any other.
It is a pain because you haveto watch this movie and I hope I
have the power to change theRotten Tomatoes because it does
not deserve it one billion years.
Go watch two and three afteryou have watched this one.
It is so much better than thisgod-awful movie.
This movie is a one out of tenand it is my fourth least

(01:06:08):
favorite studio movie.
Don't watch this movie becausethe characters are so bad.
See ya, okay, I could havepresented just this and that is
worth three reviews.
You got, like that, six reviews.

Matt (01:06:27):
That was good.
I do have a guess it doesn'tfit perfectly, because that
second review talking about thekids being scared something's
coming to eat them I'm havingtrouble getting that to jive
with my theory.
But the third review solidifieda candidate that I had already

(01:06:48):
thought of, so I'm going to gowith that and if I'm wrong, I'm
wrong.
Okay, I'm going to say ToyStory.

Eric (01:06:54):
Is that your final answer?
Final, it's my final answerbaby it's toy story well then,
matt, yeah, you got a friend inme, hey yeah, it is.

Matt (01:07:03):
What was he?
What's the kid afraid?
It's gonna eat him uh the toyshe was afraid I'm afraid the
toys the, my toys are gonna eatme probably, because after the,
the scene where theypsychologically tortured sid I,
I thought it could be that, or,or the little aliens and the
claw machine kind of thing, what?
Yeah, but but I now I know thatit's just a scared child and

(01:07:25):
which you know is irrelevant tothe movie.

Eric (01:07:27):
But here's the, here's the extra layer fucked up.
If a kid's worried that histoys are gonna eat him, that
means his toys would have goodreason to want to harm him.
Yeah, because he's Sid, thatkid.
He's a Sid.

Matt (01:07:38):
He's a Sid.
All right, all right.
Review number three I havematched you two for three with
an asterisk, but let's continue,all right, I mean not really an
asterisk, really, you chose themovie.
I mean not really an asterisk,really, you chose the movie.
Yeah, movie three.
Movie three Review number one.
Review number one.

Eric (01:07:57):
It's the best suitable movie for people who say, quote
my body is made out of steel andwhen I got hit with a stick, go
crying back to home.
My body is made of steel Sorry,my body is made out of steel.
And when got hit with a stick,go crying back to home.
Okay, review number two Ifyou're under 18, I wouldn't

(01:08:26):
encourage you to watch itbecause it's full of gory scenes
and bad stuff.
My rate of this movie is 1.5out of 10 because it doesn't
have a sense of humor.
And why would it be writtenthat it is very fun for 12 plus
guys to watch?

Matt (01:08:39):
Okay, is that implying age 12 plus or 12 plus men in a
room?

Eric (01:08:47):
I enjoy 12 plus men.
You've got 15 buddies.
Let's just go Dean swingingdicks, getting together for a
film.

Matt (01:08:53):
Plus man, if you've got 15 buddies, let's fucking go.
15 swinging dicks gettingtogether for a film.

Eric (01:09:00):
Oh man, we trying to make a Frankenstein.
Look at all these fellashanging brain.
Review number three Heard aboutthis one and decided to give it
a try.
In short, sequel was a lotbetter.
While the time stuff was cool,this film just didn't do it for
me.
A lot of outdated tech and thevillain was not that threatening

(01:09:23):
.
Those are your reviews.

Matt (01:09:25):
Hmm, yeah, this is tough.
I think I know what you've done.
I think I know at least whatyou're trying to get me to, what
you're trying to get me toguess, maybe so there's a sequel
, there's time travel involved,there's an obvious candidate
that has come to the forefront,and I'm trying to think if

(01:09:50):
there's anything else that couldpotentially take its place.
Maybe I'm shooting from the hipa little bit, I'm just going to
go with it Back to the future.

Eric (01:09:59):
That is your final answer?
That's my final answer.
It is not Okay.
Back to the future, and here'sthe funny thing about how our
brains work.
I was like, oh, he's got it,he's going to say it.
Here it comes.

Matt (01:10:13):
But say it, here it comes, but okay.
So I thought you might haveselected the these reviews in
the hopes of putting me off thescent and putting me on the
scent of back to the future whenit's wrong.
Is that what?

Eric (01:10:18):
I did not, oh, I did not.

Matt (01:10:20):
I gave you too much credit .

Eric (01:10:21):
Again, you gave me, I, I, as you were saying.
I was like, ladies andgentlemen, matt is now going to
give me way too much credit andso I have yes all right, what is
?
Uh, it is the terminator.

(01:10:46):
It is the terminator.
My body is made out of steeland get hit with stick.

Matt (01:10:52):
Okay, that makes sense, that makes sense.
Yes, Very violent oh yes, theone review did say violent.

Eric (01:10:59):
Gore and violence.
The time stuff, okay, all right.

Matt (01:11:05):
I made it hard, you made it hard and you did well, and
I'm proud of you.
And here we are, even Steven,baby Two, three, two.
Even Steven.
Couple of twos, couple of twosout there?

Eric (01:11:18):
Just a couple of twos.
Looking for a three?
Just a couple of twos lookingfor a three.

Matt (01:11:27):
So as is often the case with Google Gripes, the first
round is essentially meaningless, and we will go on.

Eric (01:11:33):
Yes, it is, and once again we're at a complete wash.

Matt (01:11:37):
And once again we're all even heading into round two.
We'll take an episode off hereand come on back with round two.
Yeah, In a little bit.

Eric (01:11:48):
But for the time being.

Matt (01:11:50):
I do think that'll about do it for this week's episode of
you Didn't Ask For this.
Now, real quick, I want tooffer a little bit of business.
We do need your questions.
Give them the business.
We do need your questions andwe need you to submit them to us
at youdidntaskforthis atgmailcom.
That's all spelled out, or theletter U didn't ask pod.
That's on our Instagram, ourour blue sky handle, our YouTube

(01:12:14):
handle, et cetera, et cetera.
You can reach us there.
You can send us a message onour discord.
How do we get to the discord,eric?

Eric (01:12:25):
you get to the discord by subscribing to the.
You didn't ask for this.
Patreon, search Patreon.
You didn't ask for this.
Click on the page and you havetwo donation options.
That's right, two donationoptions.
For $1 a month you get accessto the Yadaft Discord
Workshopping Yadaft Discord.

(01:12:46):
I'm gonna see if that sticks.

Matt (01:12:48):
Sure, I'm just gonna see if I can organically make that
happen, and while you're makingthings happen, you don't need to
search for things.
You can go to patreoncom slash.

Eric (01:12:58):
you didn't ask for this uh for four dollars a month, four
times as measly four times asmeasly, yet still less than a
latte in this economy, in thiseconomy.
Tell them what that gets youaccess to the discord, access to
monthly bonus content, which welovingly call oops, all

(01:13:25):
tangents.
Thank you, matt.
And last, certainly not least,not least, bitch, that's my hype
man.
Give it up for him, ladies.
Give it up for my man.
You get 20 off.
20, you daft merchandise.
That's a hefty discount that'sa fucking heavy.
That is.
That is one fifth, and that isthat you, you were.

(01:13:49):
You were getting a discount ofone saved human from the trolley
problem.

Matt (01:13:54):
Let's see your Kohl's cash get you that.

Eric (01:13:57):
It won't, it won't, it simply will not, it simply will
not get you those types ofrewards we do accept Kohl's cash
.
We do not.

Matt (01:14:11):
We do not accept that at the store.
No, but you can you can ask forthe shop and you get yourself a
mug, you get yourself a magnet,you get yourself a nice hoodie
or sweater or shirt or any ofthe number of things we got
there.
Go buy it, but you cannot useKohl's cash.

Eric (01:14:30):
Folks, I just want to squash any rumors.
You may have heard that we areaccepting Kohl's cash.
Folks, I just want to.
I want to squash any rumors youmay have heard that we are
accepting Kohl's cash on thispodcast.
We are a Kohl's cash freepodcast.

Matt (01:14:41):
Unless, of course, kohl's you want to sponsor us.
In which case I will gladly doEric real quick, do a, do a
quick test spot for Kohl's.
Don't think about it, Let ithappen.

Eric (01:14:53):
No, matt, you know what my favorite thing about pants are.
Tell me when they fucking fit.
Shop at Kohl's today.
It is, to date, the mostconsistent place I can find
pants in my size.

Matt (01:15:06):
It has never changed Kohl's, I feel like.

Eric (01:15:11):
We love it.
I feel like we, we, we love it.
And if, if you're listening tothis and thinking, oh no, but
what about all these coalscontroversies?
Please call us on the thoughtline and tell us your coals
conspiracy theories.

Matt (01:15:24):
I do not want to hear them .

Eric (01:15:25):
I do love coals there is so little that Matt can cling to
in these uncertain times.

Matt (01:15:33):
I don't love coals, but I do find them reliable.

Eric (01:15:36):
Matt much, much like, much like the fossil fuel industry
just cannot let go of coal.
I can't, simply cannot SimplyThank you so much, Eric, for
teeing me up.
Subscribe to Patreon today.

Matt (01:15:51):
I'll do my.
I'll do my quick coals promotoo.
Thank you so much, eric, forteeing me up.
Subscribe to patreon today.
I'll do my.
I'll do my quick uh coles promotoo.
Thank you so much for theinvitation.
Oh yeah, do it up, man coles.

Eric (01:15:57):
If you need khakis sneakers and a snow globe of the
coca-cola polar bears, come tocoles coles, if you want to shop
for knickknacks and you neverwant them to be in the same
place.

Matt (01:16:12):
Kohl's.
If you have an Amazon return,come to Kohl's, Also in stock
now.
Bose speakers, for some reason.

Eric (01:16:34):
Do you like your return policies to be a sort of I don
know handshake agreement?

Matt (01:16:36):
coals, coals.
Would you like to spend aninordinate amount, an inordinate
amount of time checking outbecause, for some reason, there
is seemingly nobody available towork the registers?
Then come to coals co Coles, goanywhere.

Eric (01:16:55):
It's everywhere.
Don't ask us where it is.

Matt (01:16:58):
It's around Coles, fuck receipts.
Receipts, are this?
Two middle fingers?
Did we mention we also havediamond rings, because we do.

Eric (01:17:11):
Coles.
The belt I'm wearing is fromthere okay, that's enough for
you.
I think coles, I think coleswill be calling us real soon any
minute, coles now we now wesell health insurance, not to
our employees, though.
Kohl's we have a monitor foryou to check on your 401k.

Matt (01:17:44):
Also, we sell drones.
We don't know why, eitherKohl's give us power of attorney
and, by the way, we do havesuit separates don't worry, we
don't.

Eric (01:17:58):
We always have and always will.
That's the coles promise.

Matt (01:18:00):
Coles will always have the suit separate coles will always
be able to provide you with athree-piece suit that costs 70
dollars coles, do you want tobuy a candle dubiously made of
wax?
Dubiously made of wax.

(01:18:24):
I can't believe we put thefunniest shit in the last five
minutes.
You got to, you got to work forit.
You know what?
From all of us here.
I already gave the thought lineearlier, but it's 410-929-5329.
And, as I was saying, for allof us here, you didn't ask for
this.
My name's Matt Shea, my name'sEric Poach and listen, you

(01:18:44):
didn't ask.
But Kohl's.

Eric (01:18:46):
Kohl's.
It's what's for dinner.

Matt (01:18:50):
Kohl's.

Eric (01:18:57):
Kohl's what's for dinner?
Coals coals now serving steakcoals.
You could buy pineapple steakand pineapple baby.

Matt (01:19:01):
That's what we got, remember full size laffy taffy,
we got it.
We got it straight from 2002.
You want to?

Eric (01:19:10):
build your own sour powder tube from 10 years ago.

Matt (01:19:14):
We got you, kohl's.
Did we mention we have beddingas well?
Kohl's, would you like a Sanka?
Kohl's, we have a hauntedlingerie department.

Eric (01:19:25):
Kohl's, their demands are simple Give them what they ask.

Matt (01:19:31):
Kohl's Do not, die for us Kohl's do not die for us Kohl's.

Eric (01:19:37):
we could all just walk away.

Matt (01:19:40):
Kohl's.
We can all go home tonight,Kohl's.
No one has to die tonight.
Take the diamond rings fromKohl's.
Please Take them.

Eric (01:19:58):
Take them on this trolley.
No, oh no, the trolley has comethrough the coals, coals no,
getting off this trolley,thousands dead.

Matt (01:20:04):
As runaway trolley who crashes into coals, thousands
dead there's so many's, so manyquote, quote from the
authorities.

Eric (01:20:15):
Why, why didn't we just start untying people from the
tracks?

Matt (01:20:20):
there were so many people at the blowout side goals, goals
, oh, they're all dead oh.