121 | Jimmy Nut and Tommy Cock

On the docket this week: The teddy bear is named after Teddy Roosevelt. What other stuffed animals should be named after Presidents? What is the “secret chord”? The one that David played, and it pleased the Lord? What bit would you etch on the bit?

Then: the season finale of Google Gripes!

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Episode Transcript

Matt (00:00):
Well, Eric, we've both come back from vacation.
Are you feeling rested?
Are you feeling rejuvenated?

Eric (00:07):
After double fisting vacations.
Yeah man, weekend to weekend,I'm feeling something.
I did enjoy the hell out ofmyself.

Matt (00:20):
But now, you're.
Now you're feeling it, you'rethe revenge of the self is
taking place.

Eric (00:25):
The revenge of the self is taking place, the revenge of
the self when I'm on vacation,like that's a, that's a, that's
an after vacation eric problem.
And here I am after vacationeric.

Matt (00:34):
For me after vacation, matt is always just like how
much alcohol and butter andsugar did I just consume for the
last seven days?
For sure, because I just givemyself permission to.
You know it's vacation.
We're eating out every night.
You know I was with my parents.
We go down to the beach.
It's become a sort of a yearlything, lindsey and I.

(00:56):
There we've got this samerental house that we keep
renting.
It feels like our house.
I think my dad might have askedabout its availability.
Actually, I don't know.
I don't know what they do.
What a world, what a world, butanyway.
So you know it feels like home,it's nice.

Eric (01:16):
And you were on the river as well, which you talked about
before.
Yes, I was on the Shenandoahone weekend and the next I was
in a rented RV with some homiesgoing to Tennessee to see
concerts in a cavern.

Matt (01:26):
Oh, and how was that cavern it?

Eric (01:28):
was fucking dope man.
The best part you would lovethis, Tell me then, Because the
cave is 300 feet underground.
It is a constant 59 degreesFahrenheit down there, so in the
midst of a Tennessee summer, ohmy God.
Oh, that was nice, Ooh it wasjuicy.

Matt (01:50):
Sounds very relaxing.

Eric (01:52):
It was very relaxing.
It was also balls to the wallnonstop driving and traveling
for like five days straight.
Oh yeah, sure, sure.

Matt (02:00):
Yeah, well, that sounds very nice.
It sounds like you had a lot ofadventures and but we're able
to chill out and see that somegreat music yeah, yeah, that's
great okay, great, I'm getting avibe.

Eric (02:15):
What vibe are you getting?
What is this?
What are you doing?

Matt (02:17):
I'm just asking about your vacation you're.

Eric (02:19):
No, you're asking about my vacation the way, like a cop
just wants to ask some questions.

Matt (02:24):
I just it sounds like you had a nice time and your
vacation was drama free and youknow, I think that's what a
vacation should be and shouldn'tinvolve seeing a human corpse.

Eric (02:42):
Fucking bat.
What Fuck what.
Bat reverse off I saw a body.
You saw a fucking body.
Dude, you got me out heretalking about fucking seeing
bands in a cave and you're justholding out on me I saw.
I saw a body eric bro, whereyou're being very jovial about

(03:03):
this context.

Matt (03:04):
Now I saw and I want to be clear this next story does
involve a dead person so triggerwarning a fucking corpse is
gonna show up.
Go on so, okay, we're sittingat the beach, right, we're all
there.
We are with our books and, inlindsey's case, an e-reader, and
we're sitting there.

(03:25):
We're having a grand old timechilling out.
I'm staring out at the waves,getting contemplative as I want
to do.
Oh, yeah, and then I see a bit.
So we like to we're, we like togo to cape henlopen because my
parents oh yeah, going down tocape henlopen my parents have,
uh, uh like a delaware statepark pass so we can kind of

(03:46):
drive in and you know they'vealready paid for that, so it's
nice, so there's less.
So first of all paid, sothere's like slightly less beach
traffic in general, yeah, andthen we go down to just the tip
of the un-lifeguarded section ofthe beach.

Eric (04:04):
Oh, you like to live dangerously.

Matt (04:06):
Well, as soon as you cross that threshold you go from
people packing in every inch ofsand to now there's only a dozen
people out there, you know, andyou're a little spread out.
Yeah, so we like to go there.
It's a little private and allthat More private.
I should say you can drown inpeace.
Funny.

(04:27):
You should say, oh no.
So there I am contemplative,looking out at the Atlantic.
Yep, yep, this, like odd boat,goes by.

Eric (04:40):
Oh wait, wait, oh sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
Pause.
An odd boat, an odd boat.
Tell me what made it odd.

Matt (04:51):
Okay.
So what makes it odd is you'relooking out and you see, you
know the shipping ships andeverything that's going by and
the occasional sailboat orwhatever, and so there's a
certain type of boat that'saround, and so I had already
downloaded the.
Because of an errant questionfrom Lindsay of, like I wonder
what that boat is, I downloadedmarine traffic the app marine

(05:11):
traffic oh sick, so I couldidentify these boats.
My man's out here profilingboats, profiling boats it's a
great time was on the verge ofbuying this app anyway, because
I followed, uh, ollie andphoenix's travels, uh, from for
my tiktokers out there, thatfrom uh washington state to
hawaii in his maiden sailingvoyage.

(05:34):
He lived, uh, but I wasconcerned about him and so
people were tracking him on thisapp then, so I knew it existed,
yeah, so, anyway, I was like,well, I was going to use this
for phoenix anyway, so I'll, uh,I'll just, it's ten dollars for
the year, whatever.
So, okay, so I bought in.
I'm looking at these boats andso what I mean by an odd boat is
the boat that goes by is like avery official looking coast

(05:58):
guardy boat, okay, and I'm like,oh, that's not a sailboat, oh,
that's not a yacht going by.

Eric (06:05):
It's a boat with purpose.

Matt (06:06):
It's a boat and it's moving with purpose.
Oh, that's not a good sign.
So, yeah, so we're sittingthere.
My dad, of course, broughtalong binoculars to the beach,
as all people do, and so I'mlike give me those binoculars.
And so I'm looking at the boatsand, sure enough, I see

(06:26):
uniforms on these people.
There's like four people inthis boat and I went oh, what's
this?
So I bust out marine traffic,find out, Come to find out, it's
the police.
And I say what are the policeout here doing?

Eric (06:37):
Boat police, no less.
What are the?

Matt (06:38):
boat police.
That's four stars in GTA, yeah,at least.
So you got the boat cops afteryou Can't take a jet ski out to
paradise.
So we go.
I'm watching this boat and itkeeps going.
It seems to go out of myperiphery vision and I put the
binoculars down, I go back to mybook, blah, blah, blah, and all

(07:00):
of a sudden I kind of noticethat the people around us on the
beach are kind of standing updoing the arm cross.
Look out.

Eric (07:10):
Oh yeah, like the hunched shoulders like hey, what is that
?

Matt (07:14):
You know, all the dads are like supervising.
You know what I mean, yeah,yeah, and I'm like, uh-oh,
something's worth looking at.
Basically, their kid's onlyknee deep in the water but they
still make them come in likefive or six more feet.
Just feel like they're doingsomething a hundred percent.
Because then all of a sudden westart hearing whistles and like
like loud, prolonged whistles,and I so I come out from under

(07:35):
the canopy, I look down thebeach, just past where a casual
periphery vision stopped, I seeour boat, but the boat has been
joined by several other boats,one of which is big and red, and
and I'm like, oh, something'sgoing on.
So I said, father, quick thebinoculars.
Um, so, because the lifeguardsare pulling people out of the

(08:00):
water pulling everyone out ofthe water.
Yeah, yeah and so I was like, ohmy God.
And I said to my dad, give methe binoculars, I'm looking
through them and I just get aglimpse of a bunch of men three
men on the side of a boat andone man in the water on a

(08:21):
wetsuit.
In a wetsuit lifting somethinginto the boat, oh no, and I just
catch a glimpse of it before ittopples over the edge.
And so I was like they pulledsomething out of the water, and
you know me, I'm a true crimeguy, all this stuff.
And so my mom is like what?
No, come on, like they didn'tdo.
And my mom's like, well, therewas that kid.

(08:43):
Somebody drowned in Rehoboth,like a couple of days ago, and
they haven't found a body.
And I was like this might be ourguy, yeah, so all of a sudden
this boat and its compadre boatscome back the way it came, but
now it is hauling ass.
I mean it is speeding away.

(09:04):
So I'm talking to my parents,my parents are like it probably
wasn't whatever.
And so I look back and, as I'mlooking, everybody's sitting now
, everyone's sitting.
They're all kind of likelooking out, doing that thing
where you don't want toacknowledge something
necessarily.
And I look down at their feetand I see a big white plastic

(09:25):
bag and I say I think that's abody bag and I was like I think
it might be a body and myparents and Lindsay were like,
well, it could be, it could be,it's probably not Because I know
what they're thinking Swamp gasreflected off of Venus.
I know what they're thinking.
They're thinking I'm makingsomething out of nothing.

(09:46):
I I'm seeing what I want to see, you know telling tales out of
grade school yeah, wboc cbsupdate body recovered from ocean
near cape henlopen state park,eric.
I saw a body.

(10:06):
Oh my God, I don't know anythingabout this man.
I don't know how he came to bein the ocean, but I do know his
name is Gregory Carito, 27 ofKenya that is, who was
unfortunately pulled from thewater, and I, eric I alone, in
the privacy of the binoculars,had to see it I there's, so

(10:29):
there's so much to unpack I'vebeen through a trauma.

Eric (10:32):
I saw yeah, yeah, you've been through a trauma a fragment
of a body.
Yeah, I, I saw a veil did youdo like a little fucking victory
?
Hop like a fucking, curb yourenthusiasm like hooray.

Matt (10:45):
No, Eric, why would I do that I?

Eric (10:46):
was right, as they're pulling a body out of the wall.

Matt (10:50):
Yeah, no, eric, I didn't do a victory lap around my beach
blanket area.
No, I simply said what I'vesaid several other times when
I've been in the vicinity ofsomething like this it's never
me, I never get to find the body.
I never get to find a body,eric.

(11:12):
I have to hear about itsecondhand from WBOC and be
satisfied with a benocked vision.
I could have found that body.

Eric (11:24):
Fucking Christ, fucking goddamn.
That's my cold Emphasis on cold, cold, ooh cold as ice.

Matt (11:36):
Again, sorry, gregory, about your untimely demise.
Well hello everybody andwelcome to this extremely upbeat

(11:57):
version.
You didn't ask for this On theleft, on the left, on the left.
Well, we're still the podcastthat answers life's least
pressing questions.
My name is Matthew Shea, myname's Eric Poach and.

Eric (12:16):
Eric Poach, how are you?
Well?
I'm not being pulled out of thewater and put into a bag while
Matt Shea cheers for my demise.

Matt (12:26):
I didn't cheer for his demise.
If anything, I lamented itbecause I'm just saying I never
get to find the body.

Eric (12:35):
I never get to be involved .

Matt (12:37):
I never get to stand outside police tape and be like
is there anything else I can doto be useful?

Eric (12:42):
And they're like they've got it, like they've got a
blanket around you and you havea a a cup of something steaming
that the EMTs have.

Matt (12:48):
I have seen every episode of every iteration of Dexter.
I think you know.
I think I know a thing or two Icould be useful, I could
theorize.

Eric (12:56):
I will tell you this I I do say you would have done right
by him, because you would havedone the thing.
You're walking out of the surfwith him cradled in your arms.

Matt (13:10):
There was nothing I could do with my back to the sand and
as I turn around and say, hidethe children, get these children
off the beach, tell them not tolook protect them but,
make sure they see it was me whofound this and then fall to my
knees as I drop him and look upand say somebody call 9-1-1 yeah

(13:31):
, yeah, you would, you wouldhave, you would have done right
by him.
I would have, but I didn't.
Instead, he gets tounceremoniously be pushed onto a
boat.
Yeah, again, sorry, gregory,you did die, um, so I yeah.

Eric (13:46):
Gregory, we did not have you on our bingo card for that.
I am sorry, my friend.

Matt (13:50):
I did not have.
I did not have.
I was going to say finding abody on my bingo card, but I
guess that's still out there.

Eric (13:57):
Speaking of not having that on our bingo card.
Um, we are recording this onthe day ozzy osbourne passed.

Matt (14:05):
We do mere hours after the the news bulletin came out,
unfortunately something tells methis is going to be a macabre
episode it has an air about it.
That's probably my fault, uh,but we can change.
Uh, we can change that, eric,we can change pace, and we can
do that because we havesomething in the thought line.

(14:26):
We have the light is going offhere.
The thought line alert.
Oh yeah, catch it through.
Yeah, it's actually.
Yep, it's been going off forweeks, as it turns out, okay,
actual weeks, but that is okay.

Eric (14:40):
We do have.
How many dozens of messages dowe have in the buffer?

Matt (14:46):
I don't want to reveal all our data, eric, but there is
one at least that we can playTight tight.
And we've been sitting on it.
As Eric put it before we beganrecording, it's been marinating.

Eric (14:59):
Yeah, it's been sitting, been marinating, getting a
little like letting those muscletissues break down to good,
fatty question, Fatty question,the skin sloughing off as it
sits hour after hour in the hotAtlantic.

Matt (15:17):
Anyway, let's play this.
Go ahead.
Oh my God.

Eric (15:20):
Hey, you didn't ask for this.
This is your old friend, steveListon, seattle, and I have a
question for you.
Today, the teddy bear stuffedanimal is named after Theodore
Roosevelt.
Teddy Roosevelt, correct?
I was wondering if there areany other stuffed animals that
should be named after current orpast presidents.

Matt (15:40):
Thank you.
Well, I'll tell you right nownot fucking current.

Eric (15:43):
Not current, too current, too easy, too easy.

Matt (15:46):
The fruit hangs too low.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, I think for because he'sright, as you fact-checked
during his message it is theteddy bear does come from Teddy
Roosevelt's name, so I thinksomething of that era or
previous feels right?

Eric (16:06):
Are we sticking specifically to bears?

Matt (16:10):
Oh, I don't think so.
Didn't he say what other animalis?
If there are any other stuffedanimals that should be named
after current or past presidents, says the transcript of that
message.

Eric (16:24):
Because I feel like a barrio lends itself very well to
a childhood, like a belovedchildhood stuffed animal.
A barrio, yeah, what a barriobe.

Matt (16:34):
What could it be?
A barrio, barracuda, a barrio.
It could be also a bear a whata burrow.

Eric (16:43):
It could be also a bear.

Matt (16:44):
A, what A burrow.

Eric (16:47):
Oh, oh a capybario.

Matt (16:49):
It is already a donkey after all, so that's appropriate
.

Eric (16:53):
Yeah, but no, like a capybara Capybario.
Capybario, a capybario, acapybario.
I like that.
I feel like Obama's bringingsome serious capybara energy.

Matt (17:07):
Sure, yeah, I barrio, I like that.
I feel like obama's bringingsome serious capybara energy.
But sure, yeah, I feel that wayas well also.
But again, teddy is, sinceteddy bear, teddy roosevelt, I
think it feels like we don'twant to be using, uh, the
current, the current set.
Uh, we want, we want somethingfrom the before times, the back
times yeah like honey I I'mconcerned about little little

(17:28):
Isaiah's.

Eric (17:29):
He's not, he's shunning his toys, he's barely touched
his tafty penguin Tafty thepenguin A taft penguin.

Matt (17:39):
Okay, so Teddy nickname.
So George Washington, it's justGeorgie.
So George Washington, it's justGeorgie, a Georgie.

Eric (17:49):
Like a curious George.
I feel like he'd be a littlechimpanzee.
Could be a curious.
George A little chimpanzeedressed like George Washington
Come on, let's see we got to get.

Matt (17:58):
None of the Johns are any good.
The Adams could be an anteater,rutherford, rutherfordford, as
in bee haze.

Eric (18:10):
What do we do with rutherford?
Rutherford, which would be a,it'd be a dog yeah you're rough
to be animated you're, you'reruffy dog, you're ruffy ford
ruffy ruffy dogs, ruffy dog,ruffy ruffy ducks.

Matt (18:24):
Why, I don't know why I think, ducks, but ruffy ducks,
doesn't that sound nice, ruffy?

Eric (18:29):
ducks, is it like a like a haggard ass?

Matt (18:33):
duck.
Come on, timmy, grab your, grabyour ruffy duck yeah, you want
your ruffy duck.

Eric (18:37):
It does it, does it.
It hits the cadence of, likethe when you're talking to a
toddler, the way you would talkto your, to your cat or to your
dog.
You want your roughy duck youwant your roughy duck.

Matt (18:48):
You want mr skippers I though.

Eric (18:50):
Okay, I will say one exception that I feel to the.
I know you said like oh, weshould have black and white
photo or oil painting like thatfar back.
But jimmy carter, I feel likeearned it.
Oh, a jimmy, a jimmy, somethinga jimmy.
Oh, you want your, you wantyour, you want your.

Matt (19:04):
Jimmy, john, it's a, it's a little stuffed sandwich oh, I
was gonna say, is it a stuffedpeanut?
But uh, now I see what you'vedone, your little your little
jimmy nut, your little jimmy nut.

Eric (19:13):
Gotta get my jimmy nut it doesn't?

Matt (19:19):
it sounds both good and bad gotta get that.

Eric (19:22):
J Jimmy nut though.

Matt (19:24):
No, no, you don't want to be telling little Timmy to get
his Jimmy nut.

Eric (19:29):
Here's your Jimmy nut.

Matt (19:30):
Look you've got your little tricky dick.
Oh no, we gotta leave him outof this.
Tricky dick's gotta stay waythe fuck out of this yeah yeah,
yeah, okay, here's the easy one.

Eric (19:41):
Just anyone post-Kennedy, I feel like, is not on the table
.
I agree.
I might even say I only listento post-Kennedy.

Matt (19:55):
I'd even go one up and go, you know, like Eisenhower on
out.

Eric (20:01):
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Then there's Truman, god.
Every time I look at them,there's just a new shitty one.
Uh yeah, fucking fdr though fora franklin frankie d a turtle
immediately comes to mind.

Matt (20:15):
I'm of a certain I'm of a certain age that franklin evokes
the turtle oh, oh yeah, Iforgot about franklin okay, what
about chester?
Okay, what about Chester AArthur, because Chester is a
more unique name.
It's none of these Johns andJameses.

Eric (20:31):
Chester, yeah, yeah.
A Chester like a Chesterimmediately evokes, either like
cat or tiger, yeah.

Matt (20:40):
Chester the cheetah, but that's trademarked.
So we can't say that Chesterthe Cheetah, but that's
trademarked.
So we can't say that Chesterthe Chupacabra.

Eric (20:49):
Oh, a little stuffed Chupacabra.

Matt (20:50):
But no, we can't even entertain it.
We're saying the in the middleand that doesn't fit the teddy
bear aesthetic.

Eric (20:57):
I'm thinking like a boar, a boar for Chester, like a
Pumbaa kind of vibe.

Matt (21:03):
Well, again, I guess chester's not a nickname, it's
just a man's name.
What about man's name um?

Eric (21:08):
really, really, we just gotta ask ourselves some
questions, like we ask ourselveswhat is abe lincoln?
I feel like I feel like, uh, a,a babe, a babe lincoln.
A babe lincoln, where it's likea little baby ab Lincoln, like
it's a doll.
It's a little baby doll, but ithas the Lincoln beard and the
little hat.
Sure.

Matt (21:29):
Yeah, but it's got like the it's got to have.

Eric (21:31):
when I say baby doll, I mean it's like one of those like
Mama, like the eyes open upwhen you sit it up.
Right.
It's got the little baby face,but it does have the beard.
Full ass, beard, got two.
Or it's got the little chubbybaby body.
It's got like the little pudgy,like little little doll body,
but then the most photorealistica blinking head.

Matt (21:54):
Yeah, as as much as it can be mustard for a plush toy, say
yes.
What about Thomas Jefferson?
Because we could go Tommy, wecould go Jeff, we could go Jeffy
.

Eric (22:07):
Oh yeah, Jeffy, you want your.
He was a Francophile.
Yes, big time he loved France.
What animal is traditionallyassociated with France?
I?

Matt (22:19):
don't know actually Do.

Eric (22:21):
they even have animals in France.
They do, aside from thosebastards in Paris.

Matt (22:32):
All right what.

Eric (22:33):
Sorry.
Sorry to all the Frenchlisteners out there.
Excusez-moi, the national bird,the national animal of France.
Oh sorry, there's not anofficial one, but unofficially,
the Gaelic rooster continues tobe an emblem of the French
people.

Matt (22:53):
Oh it does.
You know, they put that roosteron many a soccer badge actually
now that I think about it Nowthat I'm envisioning the rooster
.

Eric (23:04):
It could be your Tommy Bird, tommy Bird, your Tommy
Cock.

Matt (23:10):
A Tommy Cock.
It is good.
Why are all the good ones bad?

Eric (23:13):
It sounds like that would be something that wouldn't be
funny or apropos, or like notapropos.
At the time.
Inappropriate.
It seems very, tommy.
Oh, yes, I gave Billy hisTommycock.

Matt (23:25):
Get that Tommycock Billy William, I do like Tommycock,
tommycock For the time.

Eric (23:31):
For the time.
We love Tommycock.
For the time.
For the time, ulysses S Grant,I've been staring at this
absolute unit and just trying tothink of oh, you can be a
little stuffed Cyclops, yeahthat's what you want to give
Grant.

Matt (23:51):
A Cyclops Feels a little disrespectful of the man who
saved the Union.
Yeah, I don't know.

Eric (23:56):
I feel like he could do it with one eye.

Matt (23:58):
Although in the grand scheme of things, one must admit
that Grant was a great general,bad president.
But you know what can you do?
You can't win them all.

Eric (24:07):
A Grantigator.
A Grantigator?
What your Granteigator?

Matt (24:21):
What's your granny gator?
Because I feel like.

Eric (24:22):
I feel like ulysses s grant has, like alligator, death
roll energy.
It is funny that his name isulysses s grant and you went for
grant.

Matt (24:27):
And man, what was I gonna do with ulysses?
I don't know, but it feels likea good nickname for Ulysses
Ulysses.

Eric (24:35):
Nuts Got him.

Matt (24:38):
No, all dumb, is it?
That isn't Lee or Uli Uli?
Can you imagine calling a kidUli Uli and him being oh, my
name is Ulysses.

Eric (24:51):
Oh, we'll call you Uli.
We'll call you Uli, uli, uli,ulillie, oxen free.
Oh, you're ollie ox, you wantyour ollie ox, he's a little ox.

Matt (25:01):
I'm watching you become a bully in front of my eyes
mocking little ulysses s grant.

Eric (25:09):
New, new side segment where I just bully imaginary
Ulysses S Grant as a child.

Matt (25:16):
A child, Ulysses S Grant.
Yes, I think we've got a fewhere, honestly between Tommy
Cock and.

Eric (25:27):
Tommy Cock, I think, takes it.

Matt (25:29):
Tommy Cock takes it, but I do not mind Jimmy Nut either.

Eric (25:35):
Jimmy Nut, Tommy Cox.

Matt (25:38):
Didn't mean to step out.
I didn't mean to do this, Ididn't mean to drag us down this
alley, but here we are.

Eric (25:47):
All the kids who got an Andrew Jackson toy just get like
a fucking rough-hewn board madeof hickory.

Matt (25:57):
It's just heredle this.
And yeah, and whoever is givingit to them does have to slap
the child with it across theface oh god, what a bad man uh,
such a terrible piece of shit,um, I think you're in, I do
think.
I don't know I'm marty mole.

Eric (26:12):
what's your, marty mole?
That just sounds like you're in.
I do think I don't know.
Marty Mole, you want?

Matt (26:14):
your Marty Mole.
That just sounds like you'retalking about Martin Mole.
Now, all right, and that feelsoffensive, all right.
What do you think, eric?
Have we answered this question?

Eric (26:23):
We have, we have, I'm sure that toy makers everywhere.

Matt (26:29):
Hasbro are lining up Beating down our door On to an
assembly line.
Got Bro are lining up beatingdown our door on to, uh, an
assembly line.

Eric (26:36):
Got to, got to ramp up production so we can get those
Jimmy nut out the door.

Matt (26:41):
Yeah, we're trying to get our Jimmy nut.
Hmm, got to that would be.

Eric (26:45):
That would be like the tagline Got to get that Jimmy,
nut Jimmy nut, jimmy nut.
You don't have to divest fromfun.
It's Jimmy Nutt Tommy.

Matt (26:59):
Cack.
That's the ad.

Eric (27:05):
It's always at the end of the Jimmy Nutt commercial Tommy.
Cack, tommy, cack, fuckingTommy, grab your cock.

Matt (27:14):
Well, Steve, listen, Seattleattle.

Eric (27:15):
I hope we answered the question um we did I mean tommy
cock jimmy, I don't know whatmore that, what more do you need
to say, tommy cock?

Matt (27:26):
aaron from our discord.
Uh, purveyor of many a question, or submitter many a question
over the years, he says what isthe secret chord?
The one that David played.
Oh, and it pleased the Lord, asmentioned in the Shrek anthem.
Hallelujah Eric.

Eric (27:47):
Well, I heard there was a secret chord that David played
and it pleased the Lord.
But you don't really care formusic, do ya?
Well, it goes like this thefourth, the fifth, the minor

(28:08):
fall, the major lift, thebaffled kick, proclaim their
hallelujah, yeah so that one yesof course that's the rufus
wainwright version and,hallelujah, not the original
leonard conan, certainly not thejeff buckley version.

(28:28):
Love that pentatonix version,though, when they hit it yeah,
baby nut gotta get my jimmy nutwhen I hear that pentatonix oh,
and then there was of course thekate mckinnon.
Uh, one of the days yes, yesyes, when we back in 2016?
Um, so the secret chord?

(28:48):
So the song david refers to thebiblical king david, not david
hasselhoff people.
No, we don't Hassel the Hoff onthis show, goddamn right, we
don't.
We're talking about D-A-V-I-D,the one who slew Goliath.
Yeah, the big David the.

(29:09):
David, the big D, if you will.
They've got a pretty popularstatue of the guy, king David.
David, my guy oh, this is myfavorite part too.
I'm on the page, the Wikipediapage for biblical King David
donate today, uh, and it showsit's got like the art depicting
David.
There's a couple of him best inlife.
There's one that looks like thelike the cover of, like a like

(29:31):
like of an eighties fantasynovel, like it's just like like
an oiled bodied Goliath, likelaughing, and like this, just
this honestly like, terrifyinglyaccurate to picture this like
emaciated child David justgetting ready to fucking send it
.
I actually love this picture.
This has, this has gotpotential.

Matt (29:53):
I'm glad you're discovering your faith in this
moment with this question.
Eric, but yeah, he's out therewith he's got a harp, he's
playing it oh yeah.
And that is the, the instrumenton which he played.
The secret court said secretcourt.
We've been tasked with sayingwhat that secret court is, eric.

Eric (30:12):
We have been.
But and with saying what thatsecret court is, eric, we have
been.
And I will just also say I'd beremiss if I didn't point out
the second picture of Davidbesting Goliath.
The picture, the caption, isDavid raises the head of Goliath
.
Yes, gustav Dore's illustrationfrom 1866, colorized and
published in Josephine Pollard'sSweet Stories of God.

(30:34):
The name of this book is sweetstories of god.
Gang cannot stress this enough.
The image is showing davidholding the mournful head.
Oh yeah, the fucking severedhead of goliath aloft like above
his shoulders.

Matt (30:51):
It is dumping blood out the neck up to his elbows and
fucking viscera.

Eric (30:56):
We can see the neck hole.
Like David's body is in theforeground.
We see neck hole and neck bloodspilling out of it.

Matt (31:04):
Sweet stories of God, and what's most notable about this
painting to me is that there's abig battle happening for some
reason Right behind everything,and he's holding this head aloft
like look at the tyrant's head.
No one is paying attention toDavid.

Eric (31:23):
No one is paying attention , except for the two homies
behind him who are raising theirhands as if yelling Go.

Matt (31:33):
He just scored a fucking touchdown some, some people find
bodies, you know some people,some people just get to cheer so
that's david, and he played asecret chord.

Eric (31:43):
He played a secret chord, notably a secret chord.

Matt (31:47):
It's a secret chord, people don't know what it is,
but notably made god kind of youknow smirk asirk as a.
You know it didn't say you knowhe was overjoyed, just said it
pleased him.

Eric (31:59):
Oh yeah, and I'm going to go.

Matt (32:00):
He just went, that's fine.

Eric (32:02):
Sufficient.

Matt (32:03):
That's sufficient.
I'm good with that.
Keep playing it.

Eric (32:06):
And I'm going to go, I'm going to go a little deeper here
, go deeper Eric.
Because I'm, because Davidplayed a lyre At the time.
It probably would have beenlike we're talking biblical
times.
It probably would have been aseven-string lyre.
I thought it was a harp, harplyre.
Somewhere a music major is likescreaming at their.

Matt (32:27):
As well as theology majors as well.

Eric (32:32):
Yeah, but lyre harp on a seven, on a seven string liar
he's out there playing anelectric gibson guitar and
please the lord.
He's out here shredding on aprimo bc rich.

Matt (32:46):
Fucking d goliath slayer man's out here with a, with a
standing harp, that he's man'sout here blasting on a
harpsichord my man's got himselfa baby grand out there in the
desert oh king d out here on astrata caster just just jamming.

Eric (33:12):
Oh.

Matt (33:19):
King D just slapping bass out in the fucking dunes.
No, don't make him a bassplayer, come on.
Oh, you know who even playedthe Seinfeld Beheads David.

Eric (33:26):
Or beheads Goliath.
Plays the Seinfeld thing.
Just fuckingid.
Out here noodling at a fishconcert.
King david out here just withthe other dead heads.
Just king david with theaudacity to bust out his zither

(33:50):
it's this man, I tell you thisis there enough

Matt (33:54):
down the desert paths um.

Eric (33:57):
There was nothing he couldn't play thou shalt melt
thy faces.

Matt (34:05):
yes, david, he didn't get to those commandments, but you
know, david and his Calliope.
That is so good that you pulledCalliope out of your ass, and
it's also a Goliath-y David andhis Goliath-y.

Eric (34:26):
David and his Goliath-y.
King David, inventor of thetheremin.

Matt (34:32):
I think you had a point that you wanted to talk about.

Eric (34:36):
Oh yeah, Well, I was looking up what chords are
possible to play on aseven-string lyre.

Matt (34:44):
But that list is going to be useful to you.

Eric (34:46):
It really matters what you tuned it to.

Matt (34:49):
But, eric, it's going to be useless to you because, no
matter what that list is, that'sa list of known chords.

Eric (34:56):
Oh, that's a list of mortal chords.

Matt (34:58):
Yeah, he played a secret one.
Only Big D knows it.

Eric (35:04):
Only Big D and Daddy G know the secret chord Know what
pleases.
Just here, let's do some Foley.

Matt (35:17):
Okay, let's do some Foley.

Eric (35:19):
Oh, you want to try to pull out the chord as if this is
tribute.
Yeah, yeah, let's see if we can.
I'm going to try to find it.

Matt (35:25):
This is not the secret chord.
This is just a tribute.

Eric (35:28):
Oh yeah, I thought you were, I see you.
I see your tenacious Dreference.

Matt (35:34):
I just I want everyone to know what you're about to hear,
not the secret chord, not the,don't worry, an approximate, a
horrible approximation.
All right, what?
Okay?

Eric (35:46):
Bling, thwang, thwang.

Matt (35:53):
I heard there was a secret thwang that David played and
God went dang maybe no, let'stry maybe together, our voices
together yes we owe you theharmonica here.

Eric (36:10):
Let's make Becky proud.
Let's do sustained eye contactfor a moment.

Matt (36:15):
Okay, are you just looking at the camera?

Eric (36:18):
Are you looking at the camera?

Matt (36:19):
I am, so in a way, we're actually less looking at each
other.

Eric (36:23):
All right.
Well, you look at my eyes onscreen, I'll look at yours.
No, look me in the fucking eyeI am.
I see your little blue lightreflection.
You're looking at my eye.
But I need you to look into myeye.
I'm scared of what I find there.
There it is now, we're ready.
Now, we're fucking ready, mydude.
All right, all right, I'llstart us off all right with like

(36:44):
a okay, oh no, sorry, let me,let me retune.

Matt (36:52):
Oh yeah, oh we were, I didn't tune, I didn't tune.
Hold on, all right, all right,oh, yeah, yeah sorry, let me
just.

Eric (36:59):
Let me twist something on the neck of my theremin all
right, I'm twisting my pinkyfinger and all right and.

Matt (37:26):
And that's the secret chord that's the secret chord.

Eric (37:31):
We found it.
It turns out the secret chordis in Dune.
It's in Dune.
We found it.
It turns out the secret cord isin Dune.
Just go watch, you know whenthey're on the.
I heard there was a sacred spice.

Matt (37:54):
Play it again and then I'll put in that thing of just
what the chord was, the secretchord.
I'm saying when I say play,that's you see, I see.
Okay, and that's comedy.
That's it, folks.

(38:14):
That's comedy.
That's it, folks.
That's it.
That's bring it when the showcomes to a grinding halt.

Eric (38:21):
Oh, like a screeching momentum, murdering halt.

Matt (38:28):
That is when to wrap it up .

Eric (38:30):
So, for all the people, the three people who know the
sacred cord Big D Daddy.
G and Frankie H.

Matt (38:41):
That's it.

Eric (38:41):
That's everybody.

Matt (38:43):
Who's Frankie H?

Eric (38:44):
Frank Herbert.
Author of Dune.

Matt (38:46):
Oh got it.

Eric (38:47):
Thank you.
Yes, you know he wrote thatthroat singing music for the.

Matt (38:52):
He sure did One more time the chord, chord one.
And what are we gonna call thischord?

Eric (38:58):
eric, oh, that's, oh, the, the, oh, my court oh my court.

Matt (39:04):
Yeah, because normally they're like a letter.

Eric (39:06):
But no, oh, oh, uh s oh, yeah, s sharp sharp S medium.

Matt (39:15):
S medium Now, eric.
So there you go.
That's the secret cord.

Eric (39:21):
Don't tell anyone, no gang for real.
Bring it in.
Bring it in, Take a knee, Don'tfucking blow this up.
Thank you, Coach Boach.
Be cool, Do not tell the cops.
We found it and we all can gohome.

Matt (39:39):
We can all go home tonight .
Thanks, Coach Poach.
Got you babies, Got that littlepep talk Good hustle.
And we needed it.
We needed a pep talk because,eric, this next question has
been sitting in our email inboxfor months yeah, it has, and we
have had no idea what to do withit, and we still don't.

Eric (39:59):
We have bits aside.
We have legitimately spent somuch time staring at these words
on the screen and we prunequestions.
There's a bunch of questions weget.
Not everything's a good fit forthe podcast, but this one.
We don't know what to do withit, but we can't get rid of it.

Matt (40:17):
And you'll see why Because it does come from former guests
of the show, ian the Holy Mole.
Thank you, ian.
He emailed that to us, that'syou didn't ask for this at
gmailcom.
All spelled out, eric.
The question is, if you would,what bit?

Eric (40:31):
would you etch on the bit?
What bit would you etch on the?

Matt (40:34):
bit, what bit?

Eric (40:35):
would you etch?

Matt (40:37):
on the bit.
What bit would you?

Eric (40:39):
etch on the bit.

Matt (40:40):
We have said it in so many different ways, we've said it
to each other, we've said itsilently, oh, go ahead, rewind.

Eric (40:47):
Go ahead, hit the back 15 seconds.
It will not help you.
What bit would you etch?

Matt (40:55):
on the bit On the bit.
What does it mean?

Eric (41:00):
And this is why I love Ian .
He throws us these things where.
I'm like, ian.
What music do you hear?
What secret chords play for you?
Where have you been?
What have you seen?

Matt (41:12):
All right, but we got to try Eric, because we can't just
leave it in the inbox forever.

Eric (41:16):
So I think we need to do.
We need to, like, crack downinto some, like we need to get
fucking elbow deep into someetymology.
So I've got the page pulled upfor the word etch.
This is a real reversal ofroles, with you having the tabs
pulled up, dude I know Mercuryis in Gatorade right now, so I
feel like this is just, it makessense.

(41:37):
So typical the origin it's amixture of atzen, so German
cause to eat, which calls theDutch etzen.
And then you have English, whichmeans to eat, and then like
mid-17th century etz.
So eating here, meaning likecarving to eat, means to eat,
and then like mid 17th centuryetch.
So eating here meaning likecarving to eat, to eat away at

(41:58):
something, so that's etch.
Okay, then we have bit Bit.
I'm just going to start readingoff definitions of the word bit
A small piece, part or quantityof something.
Give the duck a bit of bread,don't.

Matt (42:14):
A short time, a bit of bread, don't A?

Eric (42:16):
short time.
Don't do that.
Don't Don't do that.
It's bad for the ducks.
A short time or distance Noun Abit.
I fell asleep For a bit For abit.
A fair amount Noun A bit.
There's a bit to talk aboutthere.
Informal a set of actions orideas associated with a specific
group or activity.
She's gone off to do hertheatrical bit.

Matt (42:38):
Okay, that feels like it is halfway to the bit, like joke
sketch type meaning.

Eric (42:46):
Oh man, I think I might have cracked something here.
Okay, his eyes couldn't bewider.
Dated informal usage.
A unit of 12 half cents usedonly in even multiples.
The sideshow admission was 25cents.

(43:07):
Two bits, the fourth of adollar.
You might remember the famousshaving a haircut two bits, two
bits.
So ian is asking what bit, whatbit?

Matt (43:20):
what bit would we add bitcoin?

Eric (43:23):
is that why it's fucking called bitcoin I swear to god if
that's why it's called bitcoin,but I thought it was because,
like no, it's made of computerbits.
That's gotta be that.
That's that exactly.
So I think ian's asking whatbit, what like bits would we?
Would we etch on a if I'm goingto pay my currency bit on a

(43:46):
currency bit, fucking we.
This is such a weird feelingbecause we actually I think I
feel like we actually cracked it.
We're gonna have to have ianlike call in or something to let
us know if we, if we fuckedthis up.

Matt (43:58):
Here's my initial impression for putting a bit
onto a bit in what we've just,on bits, laid down the monopoly
guy.

Eric (44:06):
The monopoly guy because it's real currency oh, it's real
currency, so the bit is oh,that's good, you got our.

Matt (44:17):
What's his name?

Eric (44:17):
penny penny oh, uncle pennybags uncle pennybags.

Matt (44:21):
Yes, we got him.
We got his face on the pen, onthe uh, on the bit.

Eric (44:27):
So in itself, the the etching of it is the bit okay,
yeah, and then and then in latinat the you know how we have in
latin, we have partem committee,partem committee, latin for
commit to the bit partemcommittee.

Matt (44:45):
That's written underneath his face partem.
That's.
That's the in god we trust.
That's yes, yes, eric, thiseric.
We've been sitting on thisquestion for months and we
nailed it out the gate.
All it took was us actuallythinking for, like, for half a
second, yeah, yeah, and doing amodicum of research that you did
not me wait.

Eric (45:05):
So if monopoly guys on one side, we do need to what's on
the other side do we put asecond bit?
Oh, is a second bit about tohit the coin?

Matt (45:14):
what's the most famous bit of all time, do you think?
Oh, man, I'm thinking like agot your nose.
Oh, I got your nose here.

Eric (45:25):
That's a that's a bit as old as time uh, maybe we lean
more towards a famous like whatare classic money bits?
What explain uh?
Like like I'm just thinkingabout like bits centering around
oh centering capitalist centricbits, or so you got monopoly
guy on one side, oh, or monopolyguy on one side, flip it over,

(45:48):
that's one bit, oh.
On the back you just put theword copy, copy.
Like have you ever had, likeevery any like collectible coin
you've ever gotten?
or like oh, it's not actual?
yeah, that's what we do.
We have the monopoly guy on oneside, on the other side with
the, with the latin, for youknow, partem committee, commit
to the bit, and on the back itjust says not for resale, or

(46:11):
it's or it says collector'sedition oh collection or we buy
gold bit for gold uh gold wetalk about my uh, one of the
best uh billboards in baltimore.
We buy bits of string.

(46:32):
There you go I love I.
It's got two bits yeah,basically the bit we're etching
onto the bit is that we'reloading this up with
non-currents.
Everything you would expectfrom non-actual tender the the
most, the most fungible oftokens yes, it is a fungible
token, and it is a fungibletoken.

Matt (46:56):
Ah, eric, I think it's time for google grips oh my god,
yes eric, we we've gotourselves a real pregunta.
Well, I do anyway yeah because,eric, I've got a real problem
on my hands here.
You do, Matthew, because thescore is 7-4.

(47:19):
You sure do I have to get aperfect round just to force a
tie.
Eric, you are in a goodposition.

Eric (47:28):
I am in such a.

Matt (47:29):
I am in a One should say you should win this easily
because we did say hard mode, wedid say hard.
I'm expecting you that.

Eric (47:38):
I'm expecting that you brought it and, because I
respect you, I did Okay.
So, folks, for those of you notin the know, google gripes.
It's a game we play where Mattand I find one star Google
reviews of famous things.
The first couple of times wedid it, we did famous places.
The past two seasons we'redoing movies, so I'm going to

(48:00):
read Matt one-star Googlereviews of three famous movies
and he's got to guess what eachmovie is based on the three
one-star reviews I read him.

Matt (48:12):
I think they got it.
I think I got what I have to do.
I I have to enter my mindpalace and prepare myself.
I I'm gonna keep my notebookclose because I'm taking notes,
because, eric, I I have to, Ihave to give this my all.

Eric (48:30):
You have to swing for the fucking fences, my man and I'm
swinging and and for ultimate,for ultimate, suspense.
What I'm gonna do, matt?
So we're gonna go through allof them, but I'm only gonna tell
you which ones you got at theend you're not gonna tell me if
I got it right oh yeah, becauseif you fuck up on the first, one

(48:51):
the drama's out it.
And what did I do these minutesof work for?

Matt (48:56):
Oh my God, eric, you are a genius, you are a creative
genius, knowing the plot ofdrama, the plot, of drama, the
plot of drama.

Eric (49:06):
You know the plot of drama .

Matt (49:08):
That's NASCAR baby.
I do not know what's wrong withme.
Give me my reviews.

Eric (49:13):
Movie one Review number 1.
What a terribly awful movie,lol, but it's from the 80s, so
what can you expect?
Famous actor walking aroundwith this I'm so cool, calm,
silent type thing and trying tosmoke Terrible acting, silent

(49:37):
type thing and trying to smoketerrible acting.
It's so cheesy.
It's funny and definitely worththe watch if you want to have a
few laughs, though it's not acomedy.
Obviously sometimes cheesymovies can be entertaining,
especially if you're from thatera, like me.
Very cringe worthy indeed.
Smiley face.

Matt (49:53):
Cringeworthy.
Okay, so they're saying it'snot a comedy, but it's funny.
Okay, I have a couple ideasalready, one of which I would be
shocked if you pulled out.
Okay, all right, continue.

Eric (50:11):
Parentheticals deep breath .
Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,ha, ha, ha, ha, ha ha.
All right, continueParentheticals, deep breath, ah.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,ha, ha, ha ha.
I only watched this, so I havea frame of reference for the
remake Mistake.
I didn't need a frame ofreference and I certainly didn't
need the sights and sounds ofthis film etched in my memory.

(50:31):
This movie is incredibly bad.
Bonus points for all of thenostalgia it conjures, for all
things 80s cinema, but this isnot a good film.
It even manages to outdo itselfby becoming worse and worse the
longer it runs.
By the end it's just a parodyof itself, with cheesy, cheesy
one-liners and laugh-out-loud,comically bad fight scenes.

(50:54):
Hmm, the remake.

Matt (50:58):
Uh, that's interesting.
Kind of eliminates my first twoguesses.
Alright, continue.

Eric (51:08):
Useful educationally for reflection on the bad old days
Banal testosterone, fest,riddled with repulsive male
behavior.
How sad that we thought that bythe 80s there'd have been
improvement.
Other famous actor was the mostcringe-inducing of all.

(51:29):
The cherry on top is the decade.
The cherry on top is the decade.
Worst fashion since well ever.

Matt (51:37):
Uh-oh, I feel a little.
Uh.
Hmm, I feel a little unsure.
I thought I knew where we weregoing with this and now I don't.
I'm really thrown by the remake.

Eric (51:50):
And what I'm also I'm going to throw in a.
There is a boat.
Can I ask a quick clarifying?

Matt (51:54):
question about that.
Is there a remake of this movie?
Yes, or did they just say that?

Eric (51:59):
Okay, there is a remake of this movie.

Matt (52:01):
Okay.
Okay, that's important to know,yes, because they could just be
like, oh, I'm waiting for theremake.

Eric (52:07):
Oh yeah, no, there is a remake, okay there is a remake.
Also, I do have a little bonushere.
It won't tell you anything.
Well, it really won't.
Uh, bonus review yeah, not bad.
I enjoyed the homoerotic partstowards the end Made me feel
things, things I haven't felt inyears.
I'm so horned right now.

Matt (52:25):
I think I got it.
I'm so horned I swear to God ifthat gave it away.
Truly I do think so.
Did I pull a Matt Shea?
I do think so, because if it'sthe movie I'm thinking of, okay,
you know what.
I'm going to go just off ofthat, I'm not going to say my

(52:47):
thinking or anything I'm goingto say.
You are referring to the 100%gay Fantasia that is Top Gun.
Okay, that is my submission.
That's my final answer.
I'm not going it over.
I'm not going over it again.

Eric (53:02):
Okay Movie number two.
Movie number two Review numberone.

Matt (53:08):
I'm already the anxiety.
My brain is already peelingaway a layer to think about.
Oh, I answered too quickly.
There's no way.
It's Top Gun.
Why did I do that?
It's already happening.
The not getting confirmation isreally fucking with me.
So continue.
I am distracted.

Eric (53:28):
Review number one what an absolutely stupid movie I
watched till the end.
The main female lead buys twoblanks to a random stranger she
just met once and she went allthe way to an island to give him
that and they just fall in lovejust like that.

(53:49):
The blank attack just happenswithout any explanation and the
movie ends in the most stupidway.
The male and female lead, thelittle sister and the mother all
sit in a car and leave town andwe are shown lots of blanks
sitting allowing them to leave.
Why would blanks behave likethat?

(54:11):
What was the reason?
None even the movie says itdoesn't know.
I mean, if you want to wastetwo hours, drive right into it.
Even the dialogues aresenseless.

Matt (54:22):
Otherwise I would have given it two stars okay, that
was a whole lot of a whole lot,and I wrote some things down,
none of which helped me, exceptI had a few ideas that are all
from the 90s, and didn't it sayfrom the 80s again?
Or am I getting?

Eric (54:42):
the first review confused.
That was the first review.
Should I just tell you whetheror not you got it?

Matt (54:48):
No, you should not.
You should not.
We have to keep the drama going.
That's NASCAR.

Eric (54:53):
That's theater, baby.
All right, that was reviewnumber one.
Review number two Absolutelyweird.
First, why did all this happen?
And only when she arrives, shehas the same set of clothes on
for days and still looks goodeven without a shower.
The ending was stupid noexplanation to why it happened

(55:15):
and how and if they got rid ofthe problem.
Totally crap and confusing.
That's it.
That's it.

Matt (55:23):
Oh fuck no-transcript.

Eric (55:33):
A misinformed movie.
The happening 2008 of its day,additionally an era I know,
where even cheap props, cheapscripts and superfluous acting
can basically just easily soilthe pants of anybody.
Truly, movie title upon horroran era of ignorance.

(55:56):
I don't know what that sentencemeans either, but that's what
they wrote.

Matt (55:59):
Okay, okay, that's bringing me back.
Yeah, because I had a guess forthe first review, but then I
was distracting myself bythinking I had to put it in the
80s.
But that's not true.

Eric (56:12):
Yeah, you don't have to put it in the 80s.

Matt (56:14):
Okay, the happening of its day is something that I was
thinking, because I also thoughtare they talking about the
happening?
The island throws me too,because, okay, so the honestly,
what I had written down was,during the first review, I I

(56:37):
wrote down invasion of the bodysnatchers, and then, during the
second review, I wrote down marypoppins.
So that is, that is the breath,uh, that is the breath with
which I am working, the and,okay, male and female leads, the
mom and the little sister.
Are you humming a theme whileI'm talking?

Eric (57:00):
Like I got, you got Mary Poppins song stuck in my head,
Okay.

Matt (57:05):
So it does sound like it's a horror movie.
I thought for a minute,mentioning the happening, they
could be talking about the mist,but that is not the group of
people that are in the car atthe end of the movie.
No, the it was until.
Are in the car at the end ofthe movie.
No, the it was until.
You mentioned the mother god.
That's confusing and so thatthis era makes me think it is of

(57:27):
the invasion of the bodysnatchers, like era, or older,
like a older horror movie like.
Like the birds the birdswatching.

Eric (57:40):
You have a moment like the birds.
Is there an island in the birds?
Matt.
Matt is having like alegitimate, like a, like a, like
a tormented genius moment.

Matt (57:54):
I can't remember if that takes place on an island.
I don't think it does.
Oh no, that doesn't make anysense either.
I was going to say does I Knowwhat you Did Last Summer take
place on an island?
But it doesn't matter, becauseI already think it's of the
older movies with cheap propsand what happens.
Superfluous scripts.

(58:15):
Creature from the Black Lagoon.
Why can't I think of any goodold horror movies that take
place on an island?
Is the island?
Am I focusing too much on?

Eric (58:25):
the island.
You're focusing too much on theisland.

Matt (58:28):
Fuck, I don't know, eric, I don't know.
I've got a female lead buyssomething from a random stranger
.
There's a blank attack.
There's a blank attack Blanksjust sitting around letting them

(58:48):
leave.
That's the thing Letting themleave.

Eric (58:52):
Why would Blanks behave like that.
What was the reason?

Matt (58:57):
Is it the birds, though?
I don't think so.
I don't think they.

Eric (59:01):
I would pay any amount of money to just have that.
I'm going to need you to clipme that audio so I can just make
that your ringtone every timeyou call me.
Is it the birds, though?
Is it?

Matt (59:12):
the birds I'm going to.
Here's what I'm going to do.
I'm going to.
Here's what I'm going to do.
I'm going to say the birds, forright now, thinking and knowing
that that's not right.

Eric (59:23):
Okay.
The classic Matt Shea.
Look, I'm going to torturemyself, but I reserve the right.

Matt (59:32):
And I'm going to make you watch.
I am reserving the right tocome back to this before I
submit a final guess.

Eric (59:41):
Except I threw the curve at you of making you wait until
the end to tell you you got themor not.
So I feel that is a vow.
I'm flipping through the rulesright now.
Yes.
And yes, this is up to code.

Matt (59:54):
I have not locked it in, but it is, at the moment, my
final answer okay, okay are youready for movie three?

Eric (01:00:02):
I am this one.
This one came to me in a dreamof sorts.
Oh, I was inspired.
Some might say that none ofthat was a hint to what the
movie is, by the way.
Okay good, because I was like,are you doing a bit?
Making grim hints, but nothingthat you have to worry about.

(01:00:22):
Review number one Watched thiswith family for old memories
sake and turned it off halfwaythrough.
I cannot believe this was akids movie.
It's full of old lore and mythsthat is completely
inappropriate for young ages.
The whole film was full ofmoments clearly aimed towards
adults and even of the room fullof adults watching the movie

(01:00:45):
turned it off halfway through.
While I can't vouch for story,since we didn't watch the whole
thing, I cannot recommend thisto anyone, much less children.
That would lose interestquickly.
Anyway, I'd give it zero starsif I could.

Matt (01:01:01):
Damn, I don't know what I was supposed to pull from that
my guy.
Maybe I wasn't listeningclosely enough.
I'm distracted by the lastmovie.
Still, I can tell Continue,you're still in the 80s.

Eric (01:01:11):
I could be Review number two.
This was an instant classicwhen it came out, but while
watching it I realized how badof a movie this is.
It feels rushed, for.
The important scenes and thenon-important scenes that have
no impact on the film whatsoeverfeel too long.
Also, what I dislike about themovie most was in the last 40
minutes of the film it became amusical with four minute numbers

(01:01:35):
.
My suggestion is only watchthis if you literally have
nothing else to watch or if youare daring and want to be bored
for an hour and a half.

Matt (01:01:44):
Okay, that's interesting.
It's like a half musical butit's at the back end.
That's interesting.

Eric (01:01:51):
Hmm.

Matt (01:01:51):
I give it a?

Eric (01:01:52):
hmm Okay, review number three, your hmm, has been
entered into the record.
Thank you.
What is that into?
Based on novel and movie Isanimated.
Films Is censor, are sick andred bull energy Drink is ruined
in a rankin bass.
Film is ruin my childhood Inrated G mean kids Are not

(01:02:12):
allowed in legal naked Stuff andseen missing is never watched.
Don't let your kids watch it,eric, sir, illegal naked stuff
and seen missing is neverwatched.
Don't let your kids watch it.
Eric, sir, my Lord.

Matt (01:02:22):
I'm supposed to get a movie from that.
I mean you, you said the Frankand bass, but okay, the, the
rank and bass thing is making mereally only think of a couple
of movies.
But they're musicals up top too, like Rudolph the red nose
reindeer starts with a song, sodoes Frosty.
Couple of movies, but they'remusicals up top too, like
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeerstarts with a song, so does
Frosty the Snowman.
And I think, if you're going topull out either, if you're

(01:02:44):
talking about a Rankin-Bass,you're talking about those is
what I feel.
Like I'm going to say Rudolphthe Red-Nosed Reindeer.
I'm not overthinking this, I'msaying Rudolph the Red-Nosed
Reindeer.
Okay, it does seem like a weirdpull for you, but meaning only
meaning that like we haven'tdone, like really christmas
movies, but that's not yeah, youcan't okay, let's, let's just

(01:03:05):
review, let's not get so excited.
So for the first thing I said uh, top gun yep, I still feel good
about that.

Eric (01:03:12):
I did say that was my final answer.
Okay, it is my final answer okay, but that brings us to movie
two where you have reserved theright you've.

Matt (01:03:21):
You have right of first refusal, refusal on my answer of
the birds, and I don't thinkthat that's that.
I don't think that it is, butI'm gonna stick with the birds,
you're gonna stick with thebirds and I'm gonna stick with
rudolph the red-nosed reaper.

Eric (01:03:38):
Okay, matthew begin the reveal for movie one.
Yes, terribly awful movie 80s.
There was a remake homoeroticparts towards the end.

Matt (01:03:53):
Yes, and I'm thinking the remake.
They're talking about thesequel.

Eric (01:03:57):
You guessed Top Gun I did.
That is incorrect.
No way, it was in fact.

Matt (01:04:06):
Roadhouse.
I would never have come up withRoadhouse.
Oh, I get the remake.
It's a horn fest.
I would never have come up withRoadhouse.
Pain doesn't hurt, Okay.

Eric (01:04:18):
Pain doesn't hurt.

Matt (01:04:19):
Okay, pain doesn't hurt.
What's the second one?

Eric (01:04:20):
The two actors named in question were Patrick Swayze and
the other one where they saidother famous actor was the most
cringe-inducing Sam Elliott, Ithought Sly.

Matt (01:04:30):
Stallone was the other one in that.

Eric (01:04:31):
Anyway, no, what am I thinking of?

Matt (01:04:33):
There's some boxing Not the big boxing one, but there
some like bar fight movie he'sin yeah, I think, oh yeah, uh, I
can't remember.

Eric (01:04:44):
Oh, oh yeah, he's in the one the arm wrestling movie.
He's in the arm oh right, thatis over the top, over the top,
yes, fuck I saw that movie forthe first time this year and,
god damn, you should all gowatch over the top right.

Matt (01:04:57):
I got so distracted by the homoeroticism that that put me
straight on to top gun, whichagain is a is a gay fantasia.
It is a fantasy, it is adelight, it's a great, it's a
great movie, but those men wantto do each other and you have

(01:05:19):
and that's beautiful and it'sgreat.

Eric (01:05:21):
We should all all dudes should fly jets and hold one
another.

Matt (01:05:27):
There wasn't enough of that in the sequel and in top
gun maverick not nearly nearlyenough matthew for movie number
two movie number two, I believeI said the birds and I believe I
said it was wrong the birds?

Eric (01:05:39):
yeah that is.
It's wrong.
Not for the birds, it iscorrect.
Whoa, you got the birds matt,would you I?
I?

Matt (01:05:48):
play the clip.
Play the clip of me again.

Eric (01:05:50):
It'll be like the birds and I, I, I, I will watch that
in my watching you.
Just suddenly, the birds itcame to me the tune I was
humming was from Mary Poppins.
I was humming feed the birds,eric, you devious little bitch.

(01:06:12):
Review number three, which Iwill now.
That makes me so mad about.

Matt (01:06:18):
Top Gun, because I based it on a fucking bonus review.
All right, continue which.

Eric (01:06:22):
I will now reveal.
I did not select these reviews.
They were given to me in secretby whom.
Don't worry about it.
Wink Looks at the camera.
Wink, what?
Lindsay gave you these reviews?
Double wink, wait, lindsay gaveyou these reviews.

Matt (01:06:38):
Double wink.
Wait, lindsay, gave you thesereviews.
That's what you're saying.
Winks a third time.
Eric, I don't know these winks.
I can't decode your winks.

Eric (01:06:46):
Indeed, don't worry, they know, you guessed.
So this is the one Stupid movieSupposed to be a children's
movie but weirdly it not turnedinto a musical in the last thing
, that third one.
Really, the two things thatshould have stuck out to you
were red bull and and fucking uh, rankin bass, which you did

(01:07:08):
latch on to that.
You guessed, rudolph, I didthat is.

Matt (01:07:12):
Yeah, I didn't feel great about it.

Eric (01:07:15):
It is.
When the last eagle flies Overthe last crumbling mountain and
the last lion roars At the lastdusty fountain In the shadow of

(01:07:38):
the forest.
Though she may be old and worn,hear how she sparkles hear how
she sparkles.
No, see how she sparkles it'sthe last unicorn it's the last
unicorn, never seen it.
Oh, it's such a good movie.

Matt (01:08:08):
There's no way Lindsay gave you these reviews, so you
were being cheeky.
It was Alyssa.
Alyssa submitted these.
Who can say Alyssa did yourwork for?

Eric (01:08:17):
you again.
Someone did my work for me.

Matt (01:08:20):
Why is it a big secret?
Who provided you with your?

Eric (01:08:22):
own job.
I was gonna tell you, but nowI'm seeing how.

Matt (01:08:29):
I'm just.
I'm so shocked, eric, that you,I, had to do even less work for
this.
The one thing like the one time, every other episode.
You have to come in preparedwith something and you didn't
even prepare that yourself.
Look, eric, tell me who didthis.

Eric (01:08:45):
Wink, you're infuriating me right now.

Matt (01:08:50):
I know I am boiling.
Here's what I'll say.
I know, Lindsay's.

Eric (01:08:58):
I couldn't tell you Roadhouse was a film so there's
no way she did to whomst evershe get.

Matt (01:09:04):
Wait hold on they.
They provided the reviews, orthey just told you what movies
to do.

Eric (01:09:08):
They gave me the movie and the reviews.
They did everything.
They did everything for no, no.
For for the third, for the, forjust the last unicorn, oh for
just the last unicorn, oh forjust the last unicorn.
Oh, you thought I didn't do anyof.

Matt (01:09:20):
Oh no, that's why I was so indignant.
I was like you didn't even.

Eric (01:09:26):
I could always bring two-thirds of a fuck to give.

Matt (01:09:29):
And you know what.
You can take that to the bank,oh yeah bro, I would never do
that to you.

Eric (01:09:36):
No, it was just the third movie.
It was the last unicorn I wasgiven and I was delighted when I
was sent these, then Isuspected it was Alyssa that
gave that to you.
Oh, who can say?

Matt (01:09:49):
Who can say and you know what, I don't even care anymore,
it's not even a question, I'mnot even thinking about it.

Eric (01:09:56):
God y'all, he cares I'll tell you what the first video,
the first movie should have beentop gun yeah, yeah, yeah, it
should have been, but it's not,but it's not so, eric, in the
end, I did somehow manage to getthe birds, which is very
satisfying.
I got to watch.

(01:10:18):
You have that brain blast, Imean what a moment it was.

Matt (01:10:22):
So that was delightful, but it does unfortunately mean
that I lose this time.
Fair and square.
Seven to five.
Eric, you won this one of yourown accord.
There's no asterisk here.
I did it, you did it, eric, youdid it.

(01:10:43):
I perhaps provided too easyreviews, but you did win, you
did, you bested me, and we'regoing to have to really think
about the next season.
So this concludes yet anotherseason.
We did it Of Google Gripes.
Eric, you've done it.
You get the trophy.
You get the gripe trophy.
Is a president going to show upand steal it?

(01:11:04):
Maybe, eric, you're going tohave to tell the people I just
had a brain malfunction.
The birds here's what else thebirds, the birds, folks.
We need to know because Ericand I have been discussing for
the next season of Google Gripesdo we go back to do we do
movies again?

(01:11:24):
Do we go back to locations ordo we do something else?

Eric (01:11:28):
Let us know, give us suggestions, send us your
thoughts Because I Because Ifeel like we've caught the birds
We've but like the birds.
The birds, but I feel like andcorrect me if I'm wrong I feel
like we've covered most of themovies.

Matt (01:11:48):
Well, that's what I mean, Because when I try to think of
well-known movies, this is awell-known movie.
I am having trouble findinggood one-star reviews of what's
left at this point that are bothamusing reviews and useful.

Eric (01:12:06):
Fun fact when I was researching because often I'll
run into this problem if they'rebeloved movies like I was going
to give you the Land BeforeTime, the first one.
Not a single one-star review,exactly.

Matt (01:12:20):
I've had a few of those where, exactly where google
doesn't have any one starreviews.
So I'm like, okay, well, I wantto do this movie.
I'll look in on on imdb andI'll tell eric because there's
so few.
But then there's not enoughthere.
So it like I I said it in theepisode I must have gone through
20 movies that I wanted to dofor you and couldn't find the

(01:12:42):
material and then here I come.
And then here you come.

Eric (01:12:47):
Have a third of my work done for me.

Matt (01:12:49):
Your special friend really came along.
My accomplice, your accomplice,yes, absolutely.

(01:13:10):
Accomplice yes, absolutely so.
Unfortunately I have lost, butwe do want to know what you want
to hear gripes about in thefuture for a full season.
But we also need your questions.

Eric (01:13:25):
Oh, please send us your questions.

Matt (01:13:28):
Email them.
You didn't ask for this atgmailcom.
Put it on the social media, onour various accounts, instagram
and otherwise, at.
You didn't ask pod.
It's a letter.
You didn't ask pod.
It's a letter.
You didn't ask pod.
You know that by now Instagram,blue sky, tech talk, et cetera
and, of course, you could drawif you're in the cool kids crib,
as as everyone calls it that'swhat we all call it.

(01:13:52):
You could just drop one in ourquestion collection channel in
the discord.
Eric, give them the Patreonbusiness.

Eric (01:14:01):
So so get this everything you just heard for the past.
Let's call it hour and a half.
You can pay to fund this.
You can give this money.

Matt (01:14:12):
You can give this, your money, every month all you had
to do is say what you get withthe patreon for just one dollar
for one etched bit a month?

Eric (01:14:24):
no, we do not accept etched bits, we only accept
united states dollary dues.
Usd, usd, usd, um.
For one dollar a month you getaccess to the Discord, where we
just have rip-romping good times.
We talk about our favoriteWeird Al songs, our favorite Ben

(01:14:44):
Jerry's flavors and we justkind of vibe.

Matt (01:14:47):
It's lovely, just some good old-fashioned conversing
and community happening in thatDiscord, immaculate.

Eric (01:14:54):
For $4 per month you get access to the Discord, you get
monthly bonus content in theform of all tangents and you get
20% off of all your daftmerchandise in the merch store.

Matt (01:15:13):
You didn't ask for this dot com slash shop.
You didn't ask for this dot comStill under construction.
We may have a surprise or twocoming up, we'll see.
It's been a very busy time.
I haven't had the time to workon the website that I thought I
would or want to.
I'm getting around to iteverybody, don't worry.
But, as proved with the lastepisode, you occasionally get

(01:15:34):
even more bonus content, sincewe just dropped the Matt's Trek
special bonus episode.
It's not an episode, it's notan oat.
It's something else entirely.

Eric (01:15:45):
It's great.

Matt (01:15:48):
Something illogical.
So if you want to hear that,that lives on the Patreon as
well, patreoncom slash.
You Didn't Ask for this.
Please give us money today and,eric, I think that'll about do
it.
I think that'll about do it Forthis episode of you Didn't Ask
for this for all of us here.
My name's Meche, my name's EricPoach, and listen, you didn't

(01:16:11):
ask.

Eric (01:16:11):
But I actually got to meet the author of the Last Unicorn
at a convention when I was 17.
He was at otacon.
This is kind of a bummer.
Uh, we started a bummer.
Let's bookend it with a bummer.
All I remember aboutinteracting with this man was he
would.
He would just talk about toeveryone who would listen how
the rankin bass film a he got nomoney from it and b they like

(01:16:34):
he, he it.
He was like the Alan Moore oflike he was like I was like he
was like active, like activelytrying to sue Rankin Bass for
for oh at this point now StudioGhibli, I guess for for monies
from the last unicorn.
Apparently, that's been like alegal battle for ranging decades
.

Matt (01:16:54):
I had no idea.

Eric (01:16:55):
Yeah, now you learn something.

Matt (01:17:01):
Wow, so you are just dropping like a hard fact at the
end?
Yeah, just a little fun fact.

Eric (01:17:06):
We end with this, with this fun fact, and we, we we
closed with this fact and weopened with the cold, hard fact
of beach death yeah, although Idon't know, where.
Give us money the birds.
The birds.
It's truly I.

Matt (01:17:38):
Like the birds.