122 | Nothing Up My 501(c)(3)

It's a question as confounding as it is simple: Why rubber ducks? We tackle this vague quandary before diving into what other times can join "island time," and what the world would be like if farts were visible. Then, Matt treats Eric to a tasty new Pop Quiz.  

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Episode Transcript

Eric (00:00):
magic, the gathering no, oh man, I wish I miss playing
magic.
Never played it.
It's wonderful way to get angryat yourself and your friends
let me keep you on track rightaway.

Matt (00:13):
I tangented you in mere seconds.
Continue, sorry, where was I?

Eric (00:17):
magic.
I uh, it's, uh, it's, uh, it'sdate night.
Oh, it's date night for us, forfor no, for me and my beloved,
yeah, it never is.
Uh, it is Saturday night.
It is a beautiful weekend inBaltimore.
The weather is somewhatmerciful.

Matt (00:35):
It's all right for fighting.
Yeah Huh, it's all right forfighting.

Eric (00:40):
Uh, what does that mean?

Matt (00:41):
Saturday is all right for what is that?

Eric (00:46):
What are you quoting?

Matt (00:47):
It's a very famous Elton John song Saturday Saturday,
Saturday.
I wish you liked music.

Eric (00:54):
No fights this evening, only magic I found.
So what I've taken to doingmore often is looking through
the like what's happening inbaltimore, like events page and
I was scrolling through and yousee like usual stuff like oh,
ghost tours, museums apparentlymatt tonight at they are doing a

(01:17):
showcase of the best magiciansin the mid-atlantic.
Oh my, oh yeah, bro, I've neverbeen to a magic show like I've
seen magic done, but I've neverbeen to like a dedicated magic
and it's like seven magicians.
Have you ever been?

Matt (01:32):
wow, it's like a.
It's like a, it's Coachella formagicians, it's.
Magella, have you been to?

Eric (01:41):
uh, I have it's a beautiful, beautiful building,
beautiful building.
Um, now, matt, yes, I'm lookingat the poster for this event.
I'm seeing like they've.
They've got, like the little,the little super imposed,
pictures of all the magiciansthat are going to be there.
Sure, first off, pop quiz.
How many of them are holdingcards?
Three, four, you were, you wereclose.

(02:03):
One is holding a gigantic sixsided die, and one this is my
favorite one I'm just going tosee if you can peep him here in
the camera holding a candelabra.

Matt (02:13):
Oh, yeah, I see him there like a murder suspect.
He looks like he's taking apicture for a clue game card.

Eric (02:21):
Yeah, or like a murder mystery party, correct, like,
like a yes, like a low budget, Iso or perhaps a community
theater production of arsenic,and old lace.
Oh, be still my heart.
So here's the thing that's beenlike sitting in my brain Cause

(02:43):
that like I was like oh, done,easy, oh, and I told alissa she
was delighted.
She, she fucking loves magic.
What do I wear to?

Matt (02:51):
a magic show?
Now, that is a good question,eric what the fuck do.

Eric (02:54):
Like I, because I know, I, I.
I know what to wear to thetheater.
I know what to wear to to a bargrill situation.
I know what to wear to afuneral.
I don't like, do I dress?
Like, do I do fancy dress?
Do I dress?

Matt (03:10):
magically, my first impression is a tuxedo just go
and I think it makes it evenbetter if you show up in a
tuxedo with a cape, because thenyou look like you're a magician
.

Eric (03:24):
I was gonna say, then people might start.
I just, I just start doingreally shitty magic you just sit
in the front row.

Matt (03:30):
I want you in the front row I don't know if this is
general admission or ticketedseats.
Oh, it's ga, baby, you're gonnago, you're gonna get the front.
Get there early.
Yeah, you're gonna send thefront row and I want you to
enter with your cape.
I want you to sit down deadcenter of the house with your
finger, fingertips to fingertipsyep, yep, just sit down with
your hands like this, a littletp with your fingers, and stay

(03:54):
like that as you, as you, deadeye, without any hint of
enjoyment, the magicians andafter every trick maybe throw in
like a enjoyment the magicians.
And after every trick maybethrow in like a I mean, yeah,
that or I, I think that's.
That's, that's what I think youshould do.
I think that.

Eric (04:14):
So I dress like tuxedo mask from sailor moon, correct?
And I and I and I just didn'tregard these actual magicians
who apparently really favor thejacket, vest, combo, sure I.
I regard them with utterdisdain, the occasional tick and
maybe like what, what would begoing through their heads, like

(04:36):
do they think I'm likeauditioning them for the
collegium of of magicians?

Matt (04:41):
okay, even better instead.
Uh, you do, that's how you sitdown with the little teepee of
the fingers, but then then youpull out a notebook and you,
just after every joke, juststart making notes, just start
making notes.

Eric (04:54):
God, if I had prep time for this.

Matt (04:56):
It'd be perfect if I could magic the pen out of my yes and
it like poofs and then if theycall you on it, be like what, oh
, it's for the board and just goback.

Eric (05:12):
The board sent me.
Yeah, I'm here on behalf of theboard.

Matt (05:16):
What board.
I really shouldn't have to tellyou that I can't say.

Eric (05:21):
I'm not supposed to reveal to you the secrets of our
non-profit governance, ournon-profit government.
Nothing up by 501 c3 man.
I, yeah, I don't know how toact around magicians, dude, I
don't like, because do you ever?
Okay, do you ever experiencethis?

(05:42):
I experience this all the timewhen I'm seeing other performers
.
I, I always want to be asgenerous of an audience member.
Yes, as I possibly can,particularly if I know anyone in
the show yeah, oh, 100, but yes, like if there, if there's
jokes, I'm laughing, if there's,if there's, if there's sads,

(06:02):
I'm I'm crying a hundred percent.

Matt (06:05):
I like.
I only I read the audience thatI'm in a little bit with that.
You know, like if there'ssomeone who's already like a
boisterous laughter and is goingto get people laughing and dial
it back a little bit well thenI'm like okay, I'm off the hook,
I don't have to?
oh, I don't have to work mywatch has ended yeah, and I can
just be a regular audiencemember, although I did recently

(06:29):
tell my therapist that I thinkmaybe what I'm discovering is
I'm more comfortable on stagethan I am in an audience.

Eric (06:38):
Ain't that the fuck dude?
Ain't that the fucking truth?

Matt (06:41):
I would rather be in front of 200 people than among 200
people.

Eric (06:45):
Yes, yes it's just you're.
You're hyper aware of yourevery reaction.
You're hoping to god thatthey're, that you're making them
feel good up there I know thatthey're looking at me as opposed
to yeah oh, they feel theyassuming people are interested
in me in the audience.
Yeah, Well, we majored ingetting attention.

(07:08):
Yeah, well, you did.

Matt (07:11):
I majored in acting.
Yeah, got him.

Eric (07:13):
Got him Damn.

Matt (07:17):
Damn, take that to the bank.
But you know, on a serious note, probably just like a nice
shirt or whatever.
Yeah, like a nice shirt,whatever, yeah, like a nice
shirt.
I mean, you're still going to.
So that's the I'm going to.
Yeah, I, I would say youprobably want something not
quite like.
You're going to say arby's okay, yeah, yeah.

Eric (07:35):
I mean I'm not going to d and b's, I'm, I'm going to see
some of these and pigeons comeout Exactly.

Matt (07:48):
I do think you need to, more so than your garb.
I think you need to prepare abit.

Eric (07:53):
Just like every few tricks , I just turn to Alyssa and
loudly whisper like oh, that wasthe prestige.
I heard about this.
Yes, how many dead bodies andtanks do you have back there?
just a movie from 2006 funnyenough, I was at the guinness

(08:15):
brewery yesterday and they hadlike a little dunk tank set up
out back, like you just didlittle carnival games, yeah, and
and like after the third orfourth time of watching someone,
oh, new.
Subject dunk tank etiquette.
Specifically, if you are goingto be the one getting dunked,
uh-huh, I think we can all agree.
The success of a dunk tankhinges on the, the heel energy,

(08:41):
yes, of the one being dunked.
The person being dunked did nothave heel energy.
They were not roasting anyonetrying to dunk them.
They were not mocking them,they were not, it was.

Matt (08:50):
It was very weak, because then it just turns into being
like a principal at a, at afield day at an elementary
school, you know, and then I'mreminded like I need an enemy to
fight.

Eric (09:01):
Otherwise I remember that I'm dunking what is most
assuredly a minimum wageemployee at the Guinness Bureau.

Matt (09:07):
Yeah, they need to be earning their paycheck in that
dunk tank.

Eric (09:12):
Yeah, well, exactly, I need to be distracted from the
horrors of capitalism for likefive minutes.
Besides, I bought my milk stout.
I earned this.
Yes, my milk stout, I earnedthis.
Yes, but uh, the person in thedunk tank.
Every time someone throw andmiss you could see the visible
relief on their face, like, oh,like they have like a little oh

(09:33):
no.

Matt (09:33):
But it was a very.
It felt I mean, that's a kindof good dunk tank bit too to be
over overly victimized, yeah, asif, like somehow you've been
kidnapped and they're in here.

Eric (09:48):
It's like the modern day equivalent no please no, it'd be
like the modern day equivalent,where they have like a jester
tied to a giant bullseye and thethe nobles are throwing knives
at the apple on his head.

Matt (10:05):
Yes, we've come so far, but even even in that case, I
feel like the gesture is nowbeing overly victimized.

Eric (10:10):
I feel like the gesture is being like oh, put one right
above my nose, yes, and my pain,please lord byron, as we all
know, uh enthusiast of uh jesterknife tossing, but but towards

(10:31):
the end of the dunk tank, afterI watched this person get dunked
for like the third or fourthtime, I just loudly said have
you ever seen the prestige, god?

Matt (10:42):
oh, er.
Yeah, can't take you anywhere.
Well, hello everybody andwelcome to you.
Didn't Ask For this.

(11:03):
It is the podcast that answerslife's least pressing questions.
My name is Matt Shea and myname is Eric Poach.
Eric Poach, I demand to knowhow you are Baby.

Eric (11:16):
I am doing good.
I got to sleep in.
I ran some errands, I got somecoffee.

Matt (11:22):
Yeah.
I played some video game yeah,elden ring yes yeah, saw that on
the discord yes, it is uhterrifying.

Eric (11:33):
I'm, I'm past the pants shitting terror.
That like is the beginning ofany souls game, where you're
just in the middle of it all andyou're like what, what's
happening?
Why am I rolling like this?
Who is that guy?
Why does he want to kill me?
What does any of this mean?

Matt (11:47):
Well, eric, I think that is so exciting for you.
I was doing a bunch ofself-tapes all day, so I'm
already exhausted, oh.
But you know, but warm, butwarm.
So yeah, I'm ready to go, I'mready to jump in, and we got
some nice questions here for you, and then I'm very excited.

(12:07):
I'm actually very excited abouttoday's pop quiz.

Eric (12:11):
Ah, when you told me how to pop quiz, I get so giddy
about the pop quizzes.

Matt (12:15):
They're just delightful for this one.
You should be.
Oh man, eric, I'm gonna tellyou right now, and listeners,
I'm gonna tell you right now youare going to like it.

Eric (12:26):
Look, you didn't hear this from me.
You didn't hear this from me.
Don't tell the cops.
My manager would be pissed Likewe're car dealers.
My manager would be pissed ifhe knew I was doing this.
But you're going to love it.
I can't believe I'm saying thisto you.
I could lose my job.
I'm breaking severalinternational laws by telling
you that you're really going toenjoy I'm.

(12:47):
I can't say anything.
You're gonna like the way youlook.
I guarantee it.
I guarantee questions,questions.
Uh, question one.
This comes from bootsy on thediscord.
Hi, bootsy.

Matt (13:02):
Bootsy asks why rubber ducks?
And that is in fact theentirety of the question why I
missed it.

Eric (13:10):
Why rubber ducks?
Why rubber ducks?
Why rubber duck now?

Matt (13:14):
eric, I feel like we're almost going into a new
territory of question where wetry to figure out what the
question means.
Yes, these are?

Eric (13:23):
these are very meta-forward questions.

Matt (13:25):
So is it why rubber ducks in a specific situation, like
why rubber ducks in a bath?
Or just why are they?
Why did we choose ducks of allthe rubber ducks?

Eric (13:37):
Why not rubber pigeons?
Why not rubber when we haverubber chickens?

Matt (13:41):
I would assume the original intention of the rubber
duck was just to to have ananimal that can float on the
water for children, or maybeperhaps it wasn't for children,
just something to be delightful.
And what floats on water?

Eric (13:59):
rubber and matt.
I'm gonna I'm gonna put thisrule on us right now.
Okay, we cannot look it upuntil we have finished
discussing it and decided whatour answer is.
I like it and I accept.
Okay.
Why rubber ducks?
Yeah, I'm thinking of all thevarious situations.
Yeah, a little rubber floatytoy Rubber ducks also feature
heavily in many subcultures.

(14:20):
There's rubber ducks in theJeep community.

Matt (14:23):
I was going to say after jeep, what else?

Eric (14:26):
uh, what other subcultures programmer?
Uh subculture.
Are you familiar with rubberduck programming?
No, so it's a.
It's a thing they do where youknow if you're struggling with
code or like your code's notexecuting the way you want it to
or you're working through anysort of problem.
Programmers will keep a like arubber duck or some similar
effigy, but the, the classicexample is a rubber duck and you

(14:48):
literally explain your code outloud to the rubber duck.
You, you literally talk to therubber.
I can say out loud, and often,as you're explaining the problem
out loud, you go oh, that's theproblem, because when you're
thinking about it internally,your brain's working one way,
but when you're vocalizing itand thinking about it at the
same time, it changes the wayyou think about the issue okay,

(15:09):
helps you helps you find the,the, the, the problems.

Matt (15:14):
I think it's I can see that.
Yeah, that makes sense to me.
Yeah, I I.
Could it be why rubber ducksare always featured in Hitman
games?
Because, as I don't know, arethey.

Eric (15:28):
Oh yeah, Because I know you're a big Hitman fan.

Matt (15:31):
I'm a big Hitman fan.
I've played every one of thegames except for the very first
one, but I've played them all.
I don't need to play the firstone because Hitman Contracts
mostly recreated all the levelsfrom the first game.
Everybody knows that, everybody.
But no, they usually feature asboth an Easter egg in most, I
think, every mission, but maybenot every map, but I think it's

(15:55):
every map.
You'll find a rubber ducksomewhere.
There's a rubber duck somewhereand there's also a.
You can collect differentversions of weapons that are
rubber ducks, like a proximitymine, that's a rubber duck, oh,
that's awesome, or whatever.
And then in the sniperchallenge mode there is always a
bunch of rubber ducks as like ahidden, like you can shoot the

(16:15):
rubber ducks as an achievement.
Nice, is it asking that?

Eric (16:22):
I also like we can put this through the emphasis
machine why rubber ducks?
Why rubber ducks?

Matt (16:29):
why rubber duck?
I feel like, why rubber ducksis what I started with.
Like, yeah, we, we needed afloating toy for children.
Slash happy times and whatfloats on water?
Naturally ducks and rubber andmatch made in heaven.
So we've made a duck and we'vemade it out of rubber, and bada
bing, bada, boom.

Eric (16:49):
There we go rubber duck.
It's also a very safe toy for achild and I feel like they
can't choke on them.
That hits.

Matt (16:57):
That hits both.
Why that hits both?
Excuse me, why rubber ducks aswell as me?
Why rubber ducks as well as?
Why rubber ducks, why rubberducks?
So we've nailed that, so we'redown to why rubber ducks why
rubber ducks?

Eric (17:12):
that's my thing with the jeeps, because I'm, I'm with the
jeeps.

Matt (17:16):
It is a very applicable question.
How did it start?

Eric (17:19):
I dude, I I'm, and we've been over this.
I'm a terrible jeep owner inthe sense that, like I'm not a
uh, I'm not, you know a disneykid of jeeps.
Sure, a lot of jeep owners are,I, I do wave um, but I don't
have no one's ever given me arubber duck um, and I know
they're supposed to be.
I know what I know of theculture they're supposed to be
gifted to you and right.

(17:40):
You've said traditionally youlay them across your dashboard.
But I've also seen becausethere are a lot of jeep owners
where I work, some have this I Iadmire their commitment to it
the very barbaric they actuallyskewer all of the rubber ducks
stacked on top of each other onthe antenna of the car.
Interesting, they're likebattle trophies at that point.

Matt (18:03):
Yeah, like just displaying the talisman of your fallen
opponents.

Eric (18:09):
Yeah, I don't know how it started, I can't even begin to
guess why, but that's memeticsfor you, baby.
That's human culture.
We do a lot of shit that wedon't know why.

Matt (18:22):
We just meme it we just got to get out there and vibe it
.
We got to vibe it.
We got to know why we just memeit.
We just got to get out thereand vibe it.
We got to vibe it, we got tothrive it.
Vibing and thriving, vibing andthriving, as I've always said
why rubber ducks?

Eric (18:35):
They're brightly colored.
I will say for the current Jeepmeta, because it's not just
standard issue rubber ducks.
Rubber ducks are socustomizable now to the point
that when I was in tennessee Ithere was a rubber duck store
that was run by jeep.
they're like what yeah, we wereat the.
We were at this.
Jeep's gone too far.
Jeep's gone too far, jeep'sgone too.

(18:55):
You could.
You could get a dolly partonduck.
I'm sad I didn't, but you get alittle dolly parton.
You get so many different kindsof ducks.
They had a lot of rubber duckthemed T-shirts, ew.

Matt (19:08):
That in Tennessee that, like this, is a money grab by
Jeep.
I don't appreciate it.
Oh yeah, I think, because theJeep I don't know how it started
with Jeep either, but Iguarantee it wasn't by Jeep, no,
it was by the Jeep drivers.
And this is Jeep trying tocapitalize on what grew
organically.

Eric (19:28):
And this is why you can't get the corporation involved,
and that's why I didn't buy asingle rubber duck.
I don't cross the fuckingpicket line.

Matt (19:36):
That's right, and God damn it.
I'm proud of you for it.
That being said, is it time tolook up rubber duck?

Eric (19:45):
Well, I'm curious, matt, what's your ideal rubber duck?
If you had a rubber ducky, okay, what would it look like?
Would you go classic, or wouldit have a theme?

Matt (19:57):
I would think, if I'm getting bath time rubber ducks
for a hypothetical child, Iwould want the rubber duck the
classic yellow.
Yeah, no props does it squeak?
Sure, gotta squeak the as,because I gotta teach the child
the base right, this is what webuild from.

(20:18):
Yeah, this is, this is, this isthe rule of natural law.
And then I want 20 to 30incarnations of a rubber duck
all wearing different outfits.
On this note, I have a headstart.
I do have two bags of rubberducks given to me by my mother
because I said offhandedly thatI read online on a Reddit thread

(20:38):
that turtles like to play withrubber ducks, so naturally, your
mom got you two trash bags fullof them.
No, my mom got me two Ziplocbags that she already possessed
because she was a preschoolteacher.
Oh, that's good.
So she's got all kinds of propsand toys and things just in the
basement at home.
So she brought all hercollection of rubber ducks.

(20:59):
It also served as a perfectexcuse for her to get something
out of the house.
So, yeah, that that's where I'mat now.
I just get things from mychildhood or other people's
childhood, as it turns outdelivered to me.
Jaws did not want to play withthe rubber duck, so now I have
all these I I left it in therefor days.

(21:20):
he regarded it with skepticismand I think disdain, disdain, uh
.
So I removed him, I removedthem.

Eric (21:30):
He seemed to remove jaws from the tank.

Matt (21:32):
No, I removed the rubber tank from from jaws is home.

Eric (21:36):
Yeah, no, I then tried ping pong balls cause?

Matt (21:38):
I read the same thing.

Eric (21:39):
Same thing, disdainfully looking at the ping pong ball.

Matt (21:43):
Yeah, they're allegedly they like pushing him around,
but not my guy, not your guy,not my guy, not what he does.
He was like get this shit outof here right now.
So I did.

Eric (21:53):
Okay, so we know.
So why rubber ducks?
Matt Tell me I think the rubberduck Hold on.
I'm going to pot Matt, take itagain, but don't think no.

Matt (22:10):
I think the rubber duck represents a type of human in
this world that wants to presentlike they're all together, that
they've got themselves figuredout, that they know what they
are and how they can be defined.
But in reality, the slightestbit of pressure will distort and

(22:30):
ruin one's self image and one'ssense of self in itself, and
you will release a horrid,horrible sound, a primal scream
from within.
That is the essence of humanity.
There fucking is Eric, whyrubber ducks.

(22:53):
Duck float.
Good, take it again, eric.
I want you to take it again.
Take it again, this time fullsentence.

Eric (23:00):
A duck, that is to say a waterfowll with which most of us
are familiar, is a simplecreature for a simple time in
our lives.
When you're a kid, what do youdo?
Go look at ducks.
Go look at ducks in the water.
That's right.
And when you're a kid of the90s like we were and you didn't
know any better, you gave thembread you gave them bread.

Matt (23:20):
You're not supposed to do that.
We didn't know.
We didn't know that we weregoing off of what was available
to us at the time.
So the science that wasavailable in the 90s said bread.

Eric (23:31):
Ducks are inherently simple creatures.
I don't mean simple in terms oftheir general vibe and
intelligence, I mean in terms oftheir relationship to us.
Everyone kind of knows wherethey stand.
With a duck, you don't have tobe worried about a duck.
Ducks aren't geese.
They're not going to fuckinglike short of you going and

(23:51):
trying to fist fight one.
They're not going to attack you, they're just going to leave
you alone.
But they'll splash near you.
You just go watch them wadeacross the water.
It's very simple.
It's a simple world.
Ducks float I ducks float.
I watch ducks and I think thatresonates deeply with our, our
primitive minds.
I do wonder, often at night asI stare at the ceiling when did

(24:11):
we first not I don't think aboutwhen we first looked at the
stars and wondered about ourplace in the universe.
I wondered when we firstgathered on the shores of those
primordial lakes and watched theducks and were contented.
See, Eric.

Matt (24:28):
All you gotta do Duck float good.
All you gotta do is expressyourself a little bit better,
and now people know the poetrythat lives within you.
You also made me realizeanother thing about rubber ducks
Go on.
Rubber ducks represent an ideal, because we look at a duck on a
pond and we see a duck floatingpeacefully.

(24:48):
But what we always take forgranted, eric, is that they're
not really technically floating.
And if you could see a crosssection, you'd see those little
feet going fucking ham underthat water, just a pattern.
It's the iceberg thing, right?
Yeah, what's above the water iswhat we can see, what we can
perceive.

(25:08):
What's under the water isreally what is supporting the
whole structure.
The rubber duck is like theAmerican dream.
Oh, there it is.
It is an illusion that can'tactually be attained.

Eric (25:21):
Oh, fucking Snaps in the chat.
Boys Snaps in the chat.

Matt (25:25):
From Wikipedia.
A rubber duck or a rubber duckyis a toy shaped like a duck
that is usually yellow, with aflat base, and may be made of
rubber rubber like material suchas vinyl plastic.
I actually think most rubberducks I've encountered are vinyl
.
Yeah, the history of the rubberduck is linked to the emergence
of rubber manufacturing in thelate 19th century.

(25:46):
The earliest rubber ducks weremade from harder rubber.
When manufacturers began usingCharles Goodyear's invention,
vulcanized rubber.
Consequently, these solidrubber ducks were not capable of
floating and were insteadintended as chew toys Ah okay of

(26:10):
floating and were insteadintended as shoe toys ah okay.
Sculptor peter ganine created asculpture of a duck in the
1940s.
He patented it, patented it andreproduced it as a floating toy
, of which over 50 million weresold.
So it's so.
It started as a shoot toy.

Eric (26:24):
It looks like bro, I think this this ties right into your
american dream.
Bit like it, it's truly theamerican dream, because you look
at a rubber duck.
You think you know where youstand with it.
Oh, it's a little rubber duck,but turns out not these days,
not fucking made of rubber.
Someone has patented and andand profited off of the simple
shape of a baby duck uh, made ofsome of the most hazardous

(26:47):
materials we've ever put intoour planet and was originally
not even intended what wasdesigned to be a chew toy for, I
assume, dogs.
Yes, we just started giving toour children.

Matt (27:01):
Rubber ducks have also become a protest symbol,
simultaneously in belgrade,brazil and moscow in 2017 and
bangkok in 2020 really that'swhat it says there.

Eric (27:13):
Any sort of like why or how they're used?
There's just.
Are they just like a generalmarker of?
Oh hey, the.

Matt (27:21):
The source is picture in pictures from south china
morning post.
Uh, it says many protestershave taken to carrying large
inflatable yellow ducks, whichhave become a protest mascot
after demonstrators use them asshields from police, water
cannons and tear gas.
Uh, pro-democracy protesterswho are demanding a series of

(27:42):
reforms accuse the monarchy ofenabling decades of military
domination.
Like water off a duck's ass,baby, there you go.
Ernie won't sing about that one.
No, he won't.
No, he can't.
Eric Fucking PBS is gettinggutted.
Yeah, he can't.
He literally can't afford to.
That's the American dream, babyShh.

(28:03):
That's the American dream.
Wake up, is it not?
Wake up, ducks, fly together,eric.
I think it's time we move on toour next question.
I'll quack to that.
I'll quack with you, inspiredby my most recent experience at
Walmart, when everyone moved ata slow, zombie pace and there
was a queue to leave.
There is island time.

(28:26):
What other types of time arethey?
And that's from your beloved atDoughbabe.

Eric (28:33):
That's from Melissa.
So yeah.
So for those of you who knowisland time, we talk about
island time.
We're talking about a slow,easy, relaxed.
There is no rush, we're not onany sort of no one's getting
angry if we get there late.

Matt (28:45):
We're on island time.

Eric (28:47):
We're on island time.
Maybe we close the shop early,go fishing.
We're on island time.

Matt (28:50):
Well, there's an obvious time.
We've already talked much aboutMiller time.

Eric (28:54):
We've talked about Miller time.
If you'd like to learn moreabout Miller time, listen to
that episode in which we talkedabout it.
You know the one.

Matt (29:03):
That'll be way back in episode 11, Radicalized Dolphins
, episode 11.

Eric (29:10):
So there's Miller time, there's Miller time, there's
Hammer time, hammer time classic.

Matt (29:17):
It's a classic bit from the 90s.
Yes, Can I tell you about oneof my favorite times?

Eric (29:21):
I think you better.
Probably one of my top timesGet us back on track time
captain.

Matt (29:28):
Steppin' time, steppin' time, steppin' time.
What's steppin' time?
Tell me about it.

Eric (29:34):
Steppin' time, steppin' time, oh that clears it up.
From Mary Poppins the singingchimney sweeps, sweeps in that
sorry show, stopping number I'msorry eric stepping time I have
not, I'll be honest votes forwomen stepping time.

(29:56):
I'll be women stepping time.

Matt (29:58):
I'll be honest with you, eric, and the suffrage movement.
I have not watched mary poppinssince I was a very small child
oh, dude, I didn't remember thatlyric in in particular, you
should give it a rewatch.

Eric (30:11):
It still rips dick.
Van dyke's accent is stillatrocious.
Of course it is.
It doesn't change, it's fixed.

Matt (30:18):
And it's such a good movie and step in time goes so hard
all right, well, I'll, I'llcheck out step in time and I'll
step in time with it.

Eric (30:26):
I I do I really want to.
It was a tangent to this, buttangentially related to alissa
and I were once discussing howwe really want to do like a
cosplay of, like crust punk,mary, poppins and burt sure.
So naturally I'd be dressedlike a chimney sweep little red
handkerchief, all that stuff, um, and I would have a, a back
patch on my outfit like a punk,like a patch you would see on a

(30:49):
punk vest.
It would be an image of achimney sweeps boot kicking in
the teeth of an English Bobbywith the with the phrase it's
step in time, nice.

Matt (30:58):
I like that.
I think that that's a good punkvest patch.
Yeah, yeah, I think that fuck agood punk vest patch.
Yeah, yeah, I think that fucksgood punk vest patch and I would
support that on you, thank you.
Thank you, you're welcome.

Eric (31:16):
But there's company time, company.
Oh man Boss makes a dollar, Imake a dime and that's why I do
anything on company time.

Matt (31:25):
It's not just shit no, god no you god no, every you.

Eric (31:30):
You should be doing everything you possibly can on
company time and company dimeyeah, you're morally obligated
to.

Matt (31:39):
I don't work in an office anymore, which means when I need
printer paper I can't justabscond with a ream from time to
time.
No, not that I ever did that.
Previous employers.

Eric (31:57):
Midsummer night's ream Not that I ever Recreation for a
ream.

Matt (32:01):
Not that I ever, not that I knew there was a case of extra
spare office USB drives that Iwould occasionally just take
some Allegedly Allegedly.
This is stuff TMZ reports aboutme.
It's not true.

Eric (32:22):
This is how I get revenge for being required to have a
company phone because oh sure, afun fact I was.
Recently I I requested a new.
My my old company phone diedyears ago and I've been
requesting one because I keepgetting talkings to like we
can't reach you, at like thesecertain times, like well, I need
a new company phone becausethat's the only way to reach me
and you still haven't given meone.
Like, oh, we'll work on that.
And then they forget and cycle.
They finally got me a new one.

(32:44):
They gave me Matt, they gave mean iPhone 16.
Nice, it is the nicest thing Iown.
Of course it is.

Matt (32:50):
I just bought one and it is literally a glorified.

Eric (32:53):
The only reason I need it is to check emails.
That's all I use it for.
It's a very expensive emailchecker, but because of that,
because they have enabled me tocheck my email at any time when
I'm at work, that means I couldbe anywhere.
I don't have to be at my deskto answer your email.
I can do so much shit oncompany time now because I can
just check my email any goddamntime I want.

Matt (33:15):
You could.
Now, eric, I'm going to cautionyou from going down there,
because you and mobile alertssometimes struggle.
This is true.
Just gonna leave that there.
Just gonna leave that there.
That there's no company time,no less.
There's no bit there, there'sjust me concerned for you, oh

(33:36):
yeah I'll be.

Eric (33:37):
I'll be the first to admit I dog shit at responding to any
form of electronic message.

Matt (33:42):
Eric, literally everyone knows Everyone you've ever
encountered.
Think of someone you'veencountered Not a primary player
in your life, not Alyssa, notanother housemate, not a family
member.
Somebody else.
Think of them.

Eric (33:55):
Think of them right now, okay, I see them, they know Good
, it just blows my mind becausepeople seem to think I don't
know.

Matt (34:04):
I'm like.
No, I'm perfectly aware.
Do you ever think aboutbettering yourself?

Eric (34:07):
Look, everyone's got their price of admission.
Everyone's got their price ofadmission.

Matt (34:11):
And what is that?
What the fuck does that mean,eric, everyone has.

Eric (34:15):
Look kids, bring it in.
There is no such thing as ahuman being without negative
traits.
That's true, every single personyou ever meet in your life will
have something about them thatyou don't like.
Sure, and life is just a matterof navigating.
Like it's their price ofadmission, it's their like okay,

(34:39):
I'm going to be around you, I'mgoing to befriend you and I
have to deal with this.
I'm going to be around you, I'mgoing to befriend you and I
have to deal with this.
And your life will be spentnavigating which prices of
admissions you're willing to pay, because you're under no
obligation to pay it.
So that's mine.
Mine is.
Hey, you know.

Matt (34:56):
You're a bad communicator.

Eric (34:57):
I'm bad communicating, I'm bad at replying to messages and
of course I want to be betterabout it.

Matt (35:02):
But at the same time.

Eric (35:09):
Let messages, and of course, I want to be better
about it, but at the same time,let's talk eric, come on, bring
it in, let's talk about it atthe same time.
What keeps you from it?
Mostly the fact that I noticethat when, at whenever, I'm
feeling most bummed out and likejust kind of detached and like
not inside of my own life, oh iswhen I fall.
Because I used to be likeaddicted to my phone.
I used to like have the fuckingface like to it, like 24 7, and

(35:30):
I noticed that coincided withsome of the times I just felt
the worst.
I was like I.
As time goes on, I find moreand more that I just have
nothing but disdain for myfucking phone.
Yeah, so it's just like I trymy best to just not be on it
Like at all.

Matt (35:50):
Yeah, that certainly scans .
I think maybe a happy mediumcould be found.

Eric (35:54):
There's definitely a happy medium.
I think maybe a happy medium,there's a happy medium.

Matt (35:58):
We're going to start showing 25 grams of happy medium
for this session.

Eric (36:03):
Okay, Do not go on happy medium if you are dealing with
blood clotting issues.
Are pregnant or could becomepregnant?

Matt (36:09):
ask your doctor, if happy medium is appropriate for you or
if you need full dose ofreality um, there's, there's go
time, oh, there is go time.

Eric (36:23):
It's fucking and and and go time is just it's fucking go
time go time defies description,I think it truly, because it
applies to so many things thatare different things.
Yes, that are we're about.
We're about to get into a fistfight with someone at a bar.
It's go time.
It's go time.

(36:44):
We gotta meet this deadline.
It's go time.
We're running late.
It is go time there.

Matt (36:49):
There is a level of focus that is related to go time.
There's a level of adrenalinethat I think is related to go
time of locking in, of lockingin, but those shapes and flavors
are dictated by the context.
Yes, that you find yourself in.

Eric (37:09):
As my dear friend Sebastian once put it born to
dilly-dally, forced to lock in,that's go time.
That is go time.
Go time is the all right lads.
It's like we need everyone'sfocus on this.
Let's we got to get on theother side of something that is
kind of the essence of go timethere's something.

(37:30):
We are on one side of somethingright now.
We got to get through this thefuck on the other side cannot
dilly dally, it's, it's.

Matt (37:38):
You work at a bar, in a theater, and it's intermission,
it's go time that, like it, isall circumstantial, but you'll
know it when you're in it.

Eric (37:49):
We are we are helping a friend move the truck just
pulled up.

Matt (37:54):
It's good, it's go time.
Yeah, the those are.
Those are all applicable,except for them.
Helping a friend move.
We're in our 30s, that time'sover over.
No, god, no, there's not enoughpizza in the world, bob.

Eric (38:11):
Oh, and you didn't finish packing yet.
Oh great.

Matt (38:14):
No, no, no, no, never again.
If somebody were to ever ask meto help them move, I will say
sure, here's the company I used.
Perhaps they'll be of use toyou.
So there's that now here's.
Here's one that could get hairy.
Oh, go on quality time.
Oh, there it is.
I mean, what, what even isquality time really, you know?

(38:39):
Yeah, think about it.

Eric (38:41):
I'm thinking, uh, tell you this right now.
It's not quantity time, that'strue.
If you're here's my here'snever enough of it.
There's never.
That's the thing.
There's never enough of it.
And if you find yourself you'relike hey, let's spend some
quality time together and youfind yourself thinking about the
quantity of the quality timeyou've spent so far and whether
you're allowed, you're notspending quality time and that's

(39:03):
what I and that's a fault of me.

Matt (39:05):
Like I, lindsey will tell you that like weekends,
especially recently, have been astruggle for me because,
honestly, my sunday scariesstart halfway through saturday
these days of like oh my god,the weekend's already gone.
The long dark tea time of thesoul and when I start saying
this to to Lindsay, she's alwayslike why are you thinking about

(39:30):
Monday coming when it'sSaturday?
And I'm like how do you think Ifeel it's my brain yeah.
Like I can just pretend I'm notthinking about it, but I'm still
thinking about it, stillthinking about it, but I'm still
thinking about it, stillthinking about it, and so but I
think but I agree with you thatneeds to be fought against
because it does bring down thequality of the time.

(39:52):
Yeah, and then you're notreally relaxing, you're not
really having a good time,you're pretending to because
you're like ooh.
And another thing is like I'llbe like ooh, I wasted so much of
today on what was quality time,like, oh, I got X, y, z to get
done, but, ooh, I fell down aReddit hole and I was reading

(40:15):
Reddit for whatever, and I wasinterested in the subject at the
time.
But oh my God, now look howmuch time I've wasted.
But then it's like are youtaking away the quality that you
did have during that time?

Eric (40:28):
frame I can feel myself in this moment.
Right now I'm already budgetingmy mental energy for next, for
the upcoming week.

Matt (40:35):
I mean, yes, you have to, you have to, unfortunately, you
have to.

Eric (40:43):
Because where I work is an unending assault on my nervous
system and I must have a bulwarkagainst it.
You must be fortified, yes, andin doing so I dampen the time
that I do have.

Matt (40:53):
Let us know how you take advantage of quality time and
how you control it.
What is your quality controlfor your quality time?

Eric (41:02):
And let us know how you take advantage of company time.
And let us know how you takeadvantage of company time and
let us know how you take yourcoffee and and what do you sing
about during step in time?

Matt (41:11):
okay, yeah, I thought you had to sing step in time during
step in time in order for thelyrics for step in time.

Eric (41:17):
You notice there's that one part of the song where, like
, they start like whateversomeone happens to be yelling,
they, they, they do like why?

Matt (41:22):
would you say?

Eric (41:23):
women stepping time.
Votes for women, and then thevotes for women stepping time.

Matt (41:25):
And then the servant comes in.
Stepping time's really just forvoting for women.

Eric (41:28):
Ah, and they all go.
Ah, stepping time, ah, steppingtime, like.
There's like a littlefill-in-the-blank section.

Matt (41:36):
Oh, and that's what.
And the fill-in-the-blanksection is stepping time.
That's part of stepping time.
I'm saying is that the truestepping time?

Eric (41:46):
Yes, the true stepping time is when, truly, because
that's the moment in the moviewhere the working class of the
chimney sweeps and the eliteclass of the bankers like his
children and their maid and theservants, like they all unite
and they're all carrying eachother's message.
That is stepping time, that is100% stepping time.
Wow.

Matt (42:08):
Yeah, I've learned something here today and I think
the listeners have as well.
Yeah, so there's a couple oftimes for you, joe.
Babe, I hope that helps.
Our last question for the daycomes from Tim, from against all
oddities.
How you doing, tim?
You wrote this on our Discord.
Farts are now visible and go.

Eric (42:29):
Oh, sorry, matt, it's and go.
Thank you, eric, just want toshow respect to those ends Go.
So farts are now visible.
This has this.
First, I think, there's theinitial panic.
There's the initial panic.

Matt (42:46):
Because every you mean from the, the, the from society
from society at large.

Eric (42:52):
Yes, because I'll tell you this what everyone's going to
learn very quick your farts takeup so much more space than you
ever thought they did.
Yeah, because most people likementally, I feel they feel that
only the parts you can smell arethe fart yeah no, that's not
the case, my friends.

(43:12):
No, your fart, your fartexpands immediately.
It hangs low, but then itstarts expanding.

Matt (43:18):
It's a gas, it All of our all, our famous smog cities, LA,
LA, they, you know Los Angeles.

Eric (43:32):
They.
Oh, there was the.
There was the city from BladeRunner.
Oh shit, that was LA.

Matt (43:38):
Oh also, la Damn, la damn the, you know the famous.
Oh, look at the city, smogtoday.
That, or even the fog of, say,a uh san francisco or a seattle,
or a may, a portland, mainemaybe has fog, I don't know,
we're all smoggy.

Eric (43:58):
Also matt notice that this did not state stipulate that
just human farts were visibleexactly, and so dairy lands will
be on like the, so immediateimpacts.
Visibility for planes, yeah.
Visibility for car cars we'regonna have to get very
comfortable with being a fartplanet yeah, because suddenly

(44:19):
their claim to fame, these smogcities gone.

Matt (44:23):
every city will will have a fart, smog around it Will
there be different visualflavors of farts.

Eric (44:30):
You know what I mean Like.
Will some people have like onehue, or will be like a gradient
that we all share.
Depending on the mood, Will Ibe able to be like man?
What'd you eat?
Just been looking at you.

Matt (44:41):
I mean, but you said the initial panic.
Yeah, what happens after theinitial panic?

Eric (44:48):
After the initial panic, human beings do what we are best
at we meme it and weculture-ify it.
We immediately start creatingunspoken and spoken etiquette.

Matt (45:00):
Yes, I think adapt would be a good way to put that.
We adapt, uh, we do um, I feellike there will evolve we will
meet one of the things.

Eric (45:10):
We'll stop calling them farts.

Matt (45:11):
They'll get a new name they'll get some new name and
your point about the dairy landsare important because I think
the the cows we already know area big contributor to climate
change.
We know this.

Eric (45:26):
Oh, one of the biggest.
It's also why fun fact, most ofthe people listening to this
probably already know this butfor every politician hemming and
hawing about climate change andhow much they care about it,
you'll notice they never eventouch one of the largest
contributors of it on our planet, which is modern-day cow
farming agriculture.
And they'll never touch thatbecause the farmers voting base

(45:49):
they would be destroyed in anyprimary that they even hinted
that they would want to go afterthat.
So just remember that that's ahuge problem and we are not
dealing with it.

Matt (45:59):
There you go, folks.
Eric doesn't care about thefarmers go folks.

Eric (46:08):
Eric doesn't care about the farmers.
The all I care about farmers.

Matt (46:10):
I couldn't give two shits about the corporations that own
them.
All right, eric, settle downthe uh, sorry, uh.
What I was going to drive towas there'll be so much smog now
in the middle of the country.
They can't be upset aboutcalling it flyover country now,
because I mean, how else are yougoing to get through all that
farts?
Yeah.

Eric (46:26):
And and you're now going to, that's the point.

Matt (46:27):
That's what I wanted to say.
That's a very I tried to make ajoke on the comedy show.
You wanted to talk aboutfarming corporations.

Eric (46:34):
I'm out here.
Sorry bro, I'm still in step intime.
I need to lock in.
You need to step off and stepdown.
I need to understand that it isnot stepping time, it is go
time for jokes, it's joke time,so give us one right now.

Matt (46:50):
Okay, joke with me.

Eric (46:52):
Two fish are sitting in a tank.
One fish turns to the otherfish and says all right, you
drive, I'll man the gun.

Matt (47:00):
I thought maybe they're in a tank.

Eric (47:08):
I thought maybe it'd be related to the to the question.
Oh, all right, not just arandom joke.
Two, two cows are sitting in atank.

Matt (47:12):
One cow turns the other one and says, oh my god what
grasshopper walks into a bar,orders a drink and the bartender
says hey, we got a drink namedafter you.
And the grasshopper said youhave a drink named irving very
good, very good, uh, stole thatfrom dean martin.

Eric (47:33):
Two blind guys walk into a bar.
Third one ducked, uh classic.

Matt (47:39):
I've said it before on this, but I'm gonna say my
favorite theater joke uh of allit's very theatery, but I'm
going to say it anyway.
It's my favorite actor joke.
Actor walks into a bar, turnsto the stage manager and says
hey, can we get some glow tapeon this thing?

Eric (47:53):
Oh, that's very good.
Oh, how many lighting textsdoes it take to screw in a light
bulb?

Matt (47:59):
Oh, you've told this one on the show before.
I should remember it.
I'm going to say three.

Eric (48:05):
It's called a lamp, got him.

Matt (48:11):
Hell yeah.

Eric (48:12):
Yeah, yeah, love that.
So visible farts it's going tomake it.
Oh, dude, the impact to theateris going like movie theaters,
theater, theater.

Matt (48:25):
Oh God, eric, how are you going to see anything?

Eric (48:28):
like we're going to have.
We're going to see immediateinvestment into HEPA filters and
like just air filtrationsystems in general.
People, we're going to startwearing the fart equivalent of
the still suit from Dune.

Matt (48:41):
I think it could be, and beyond theaters, I think that's
just gonna be all indoor spaces.
Air quality might take a sharpuptick in in quality.

Eric (48:53):
Humans will just stop because when we're forced to
look at what we're doing in realtime, we hate it.
We hate it and we will have todeal with it.

Matt (49:01):
Farts will lead to cleaner air.

Eric (49:04):
Holy shit.
Yeah, no, this is how we reachutopia, because we start
becoming immediately invested incleaning air and air quality.
Because, hey, now it'spersonally affecting us.
Who knew it worked like that?
There will also be fart artistswho can?

Matt (49:18):
make living sculptures, momentary sculptures, out of
their farts.

Eric (49:23):
Yes, I could do that I could be a fartist, you yes uh,
I could do that.

Matt (49:29):
I could be a fartist, you could be a fartist, I could be a
fartist, a fartist, I could bea fartist 100.

Eric (49:33):
Call me the fartist, I'm not gassing you up.
You could be there.
It is good, god, he's good,there it is.
I think there would be.
It would immediately becomefetishists everywhere.
Would would would rejoice.
There'd be a whole, a whole newgeneration of dirty, dirty
perverts Shout out oh yes, therewould be.

(49:55):
Rich people would find a way tomake theirs like.
It's the caviar problem.
We started eating caviarbecause poor folks really wanted
to get the most out of everyinch of fish.
So they eat everything.
They boil the bones for stock,they, they eat the, the organ is
that really the history ofcaviar?

(50:16):
well, that's the history of mostlike like, most like like.
High art food and shit isusually stuff that poor people
were already eating because theyneeded to.
They were like we're gonna eatall of the animal because we
need to, and then rich folk andbecause you get, like I thought
it was because it was difficultto obtain and that's why it's
expensive, and the expensivemakes it it's difficult to

(50:38):
obtain.

Matt (50:38):
Also, caviar is fucking good.

Eric (50:40):
That's one of these that, like it's, it's worth its that's
the other thing is because poorpeople always had to spend most
of history having to cook likethe unwanted parts of the animal
.
They got really good at makingshit tasty, so like for the.
How difficult it is.
It is difficult to get caviar,because for an entire beluga

(51:01):
sturgeon you get maybe like acup of caviar, so like it's like
you get like dozens of poundsof meat off of the thing, but
you maybe get like a handful ofthese eggs and the poor folks
were like, yeah, we'll fuckingeat that.
And then the rich folks werelike, oh, we'll take that and
we'll start harvesting entiresturgeons just for that handful

(51:22):
of of shit that you were eating.
That's where the problem comesin.
It's like an artificialscarcity, because it never had
to be scarce to begin with it.
It was just that that was theextra part of it eric is feeling
particularly sorry today sorry,let me put away my, my chimney
sweep broom, let me take off myno, I'm, I'm.

Matt (51:42):
I'm not shaming you at all , I'm just saying you are after
it today it's like ox it bro.

Eric (51:47):
It's like oxtails.
Oxtails were the part of the,the, the the cow that like would
get, would nobody wanted to buy.
Because they thought like, oh,just like an ox tail.
But everyone who like butchersand shit, who like knew what
they were doing, were like, ohno, oxtail is actually like
fucking delicious and it's dirtcheap.
Then all the fucking, theneverybody found out about it.
Now oxtails are expensive asshit.

(52:09):
That's what happened to caviar.

Matt (52:12):
I like caviar, it's good.

Eric (52:16):
You've had caviar, I've never had, I've never had.
I've had Okay, I've had row onsushi.

Matt (52:20):
There's no way you haven't had it.

Eric (52:22):
I was going to say there's no way you haven't had a dish
but I haven't had like a spoonof like yeah like of of the
stuff that comes in the likewhere they open the can at my
fucking table.

Matt (52:34):
Well, it's fucking delicious.
You should definitely do itAlso.
That isn't something thatusually happens too much.
It's usually a topper, it'slike a seasoning that you put on
top of something.
That's when you normallyencounter caviar.

Eric (52:48):
I always thought, like they eat it off like little
crackers or spoons.
That's what I mean.

Matt (52:52):
Like you'd put some on a cracker with maybe a nice salted
meat on there as well.
God, I'm getting hungry.
Caviar One of my favoriteFrasier episodes yes, go on.
It involves.
I think there's a caviarshortage or there's some sort.

Eric (53:10):
Oh, is this the one where they're all fighting over this
can of caviar that someonesquirreled away?

Matt (53:14):
Well, kind of.
I thought you said you'd neverseen frazier it's been, bro.

Eric (53:20):
I grew up in a household where, like it would be on the
tv in the backgroundoccasionally and it has no way
to respect or or indeed consume,frazier.

Matt (53:29):
No, the episode I'm talking about in particular is
frazier and niles begin dolingout caviar to some people and
then everybody wants caviar andso they.
The whole episode is thembecoming drug dealers of caviar.
And it is the fun like they'remeeting people in alleys to

(53:49):
deliver like a can of caviar.
It's the funniest.
It's one of my all timefavorite.

Eric (53:53):
Cutting open a.
Cutting open a can and tastingit off a knife.

Matt (53:56):
Oh yeah, a hundred.
That whole shot takes placeLike there is, it's one of my
all-time favorite Cutting open acan and tasting it off a knife.
That whole shot takes place,amazing.
There is a scene wheresomebody's like it's pure,
there's a whole thing, it's thewhole episode, it's delightful,
nice, visible farts.
I don't know.

(54:18):
I think we got it, it will bothbenefit and destroy the planet.
It will change society forever,but for the good, yes.

Eric (54:29):
There's no downside.
There's no downside.
Make farts visible today.

Matt (54:34):
Thank God you ended that the way you did because I got
triggered by the first couple ofwords.
Honestly, just make fartsImmediately that got me my blood
pressure spiked.

Eric (54:46):
Oh yeah, no, no, no, no, no.

Matt (54:48):
And with that I think it's time to move on to our pop quiz
.
Pop me baby, but really Eric.

Eric (54:54):
It's me daddy.

Matt (54:55):
Really, eric.
It's your pop quiz that we'retalking about.

Eric (55:00):
I love them because they're bespoke, Eric this pop
quiz is very simple.
It's called Chestnut orChestnut.
Oh, I love this immediately.

Matt (55:16):
Oh, I love this.
Immediately In front of me,eric, sit 20 world records of
competitive eating.
I am going to give one to youand you are simply going to tell

(55:43):
me if the holder of this worldrecord is Joey Chestnutnut or
someone else?
Oh my incredible, uh yeahfucking chestnut or chestnut, oh
my god now.
So what you are guessing?

Eric (55:49):
just to be clear is if this is joey chestnut or not is
if it is a record held by joeychestnut.

Matt (55:54):
Okay, the, but I'm gonna make it just a little bit more
fun and this one doesn't count.
But I think what I'll do isI'll tell you what it is and the
amount of time, and you tell me, you give me a guess, just for
funsies, of how many of thosethings you think were consumed.
Okay, you follow me uh, oh yeah.

Eric (56:16):
So what the food was being eaten, what the the time of the
record is and how many they got, like I'm guessing how many of
that?
You?

Matt (56:22):
guess how many, and then you're gonna get.
I'm gonna tell you what itreally is, and then you're gonna
tell me if it's joey chestnutor not, and that's what gets you
points, not, not the, not thecounting the jelly beans in a
jar portion.
That that's just for fun.
That's just for fun.
Now I want to give you a base,eric.
I want to give you something towork off of.

Eric (56:41):
I need a baseline.

Matt (56:42):
I'm going to give you Joey Chestnut's hot dog numbers.
Okay, okay, joey Chestnuttechnically does hold the world
record for hot dogs.
Well, he's beaten it himselfseveral times over.
Well, he's beaten it himselfseveral times over.

Eric (56:56):
It was set during the Netflix special Chestnut vs
Kobayashi Unfinished Beef thatcame out last year Because
Kobayashi was the dude for along time.

Matt (57:08):
Until Chestnut came along.
Until Chestnut came along, heconsumed 83 hot dogs during
Chestnut and kobayashi.
Okay, in 10 minutes.
Okay, that comes with specificrules for the two of them.
The dog and bun must be kepttogether and you cannot dip it
in water.
These are two, uh, commonthings of other other challenges

(57:31):
and his record for the nathan'sfamous hot dogs is 76 so that's
your base.

Eric (57:40):
Okay, 76 in 10 minutes.
In 10 minutes.
That's his nathan's famous bit.

Matt (57:45):
Okay, all right, all right .
So that's just to, just to geta base, so these numbers are
kosher those are kosher numberseggs.
This is your first one eggseight minutes.
What is the world record foreggs in eight minutes?

Eric (58:02):
hard-boiled, hard-boiled eggs.
Okay, oh man, that can go fast.
I'm gonna say a baker's dozen,I'm gonna say a hundred, and is
that a hundred?
And what is that a hundred?

Matt (58:11):
and I'm gonna say 120 eggs 120 eggs is, by the way, way
more than a baker's dozen.
What's?

Eric (58:19):
a baker's.
Oh sorry, oh, I was thinking ofa gross.
I was thinking of a gross ofeggs.

Matt (58:25):
I was like what the hell are you talking?

Eric (58:27):
about.
I'll dial it in.
I'll say 120 eggs in eightminutes.

Matt (58:31):
Eric, you are impressively close.
The record is 141 hard-boiledeggs in eight minutes.
Is that record held by JoeyChestnut?
I'm going to say ChestnutChestnut.
Is what you're saying Incorrect?
It's held by Joey Chestnut 141hard-boiled eggs in eight

(58:52):
minutes.

Eric (58:52):
I often forget too that Joey Chestnut is just a
competitive eater, so that hedoesn't just do hot dogs.
I often forget too that Joeychest not is just, is just a
competitive eater, so like thathe doesn't just do hot dogs.
I forget that often.

Matt (59:00):
I will say that most of these I took from his bib sheet
on major league eatingcom Nice,which is just a site I want you
to know about existing Poutine.
No, no, no, no.
You can't go there now.
I heard you typing.

Eric (59:16):
I just I was like will he?
Will he react if I you cheatingson of a?

Matt (59:19):
bitch poutine.
Oh, this was oh.
And for some of these I do havelocations.
These this was set at smokespoutinery poutine.
Okay, uh, in 10 minutes.

Eric (59:34):
Now for this.
I understand.
Are we going by the pound ofpoutine?

Matt (59:38):
I'll cut right to the chase.
This is measured in pounds.

Eric (59:41):
Okay, I'm going to say Hold on.
I'm visualizing Onehonest-to-God red-blooded
Canadian serving of poutineshould weigh, I feel, like half
a pound at least.
Okay, so I'm going to say andthis is in how many minutes?
10.
10 minutes.
I'm going to say 15 pounds ofpoutine in 10 minutes, oh, eric

(01:00:06):
you're a little short on thisone.

Matt (01:00:07):
The world record for poutine in 10 minutes is 28
pounds.

Eric (01:00:13):
I'm going to say that's a chestnut.

Matt (01:00:14):
And it is a chestnut.
Yes, he does Eric.
Very good, very good, he is amarvel.
Alright, so you're one for two.

Eric (01:00:26):
Oh, and just to clarify, these are all actual records,
but some of them just aren't.

Matt (01:00:32):
I want to be perfectly clear.

Eric (01:00:33):
You didn't make up any of these.

Matt (01:00:34):
I did not make up any numbers.
I didn't make up any of these.
I did not make up any numbers.
I didn't make up any incrediblethings.
These are all actual sorry,perfectly credible.

Eric (01:00:44):
It's only incredible if I can't believe it.
But this is matters of record.
Bologna slices.

Matt (01:00:50):
Oh man, this is slices of bologna yep at the ultimate
bologna showdown.
Oh yeah, eight minutes, eightminutes.
Slices of bologna Yep At theultimate bologna showdown?
Oh yeah.

Eric (01:00:58):
Eight minutes.
Eight minutes Slices of bologna.

Matt (01:01:01):
Now this I also have measured in pounds.
In pounds, oh Jesus.
So it's really more slicedbologna than it is number of
slices.
Okay, it's bologna sliced, ifyou will.

Eric (01:01:16):
Yes, yes, I'm going to say 45 pounds of bologna, oh Eric.

Matt (01:01:21):
I appreciate your enthusiasm, but you really
overshot this one.
It's 15.75 pounds of bolognaslices in eight minutes.
That's still a fucking lot ofmeat.
Chestnut Chestnut, eric.
No, it is a chestnut.
It is a chestnut, eric.
No, it is a chestnut, it is achestnut.
He holds that one too damn.
He's so much more than hot dogs, eric.

(01:01:43):
He contains multitudes craftcheese.
This was set in three minutesthree minutes.

Eric (01:01:51):
Yes, craft american cheese slices.
Craft american cheese, is it?

Matt (01:01:55):
how many slices?
How many slices.
This one is.
How many slices I'm gonna sayI'm gonna say in three minutes.

Eric (01:02:02):
Did they have to eat each slice individually, or could
they?

Matt (01:02:04):
tell you what eric.
I don't have the details, but Ithink it was by the slice by
the slice three minutes craftamerican cheese I would assume
it's by the slice.

Eric (01:02:13):
I'm gonna say 150 cheese slices in three minutes.

Matt (01:02:16):
That's very interesting.
What I found by this is okay.
For this one in particular, I'dlike to first see if it's
chestnut or chestnut.
I'm going to say chestnut, itis chestnut.
This was actually set by twopeople and they only did 46
slices in three minutes.
It was set by Nader Rita andMatt Cohen.

Eric (01:02:41):
Okay.

Matt (01:02:42):
So congratulations you two .
And you said chestnuts, so youdo not get the points for this
Damn.
So we are through four.
You are two for four.
You're batting 500.
Okay, Not too bad, perfectlyaverage.
Twinkies, twinkies, twinkies.
This world record was set atBally's Casino in Tanika in six

(01:03:05):
minutes.

Eric (01:03:06):
In six minutes, I'm going to say in six minutes, the
record holder glugged 53.

Matt (01:03:14):
53, Eric 53 is wrong.

Eric (01:03:28):
Damn damn, it's 121 jesus, 121 twinkies in six minutes.
Eric, that is so now tell mechestnut, chestnut.
You goddamn right, it'schestnut.
Yeah, it's chestnut.
Oh, obviously Joey Chestnut ate121 Twinkies in six minutes he
is the final word on CylinderFoods.
All right, how do you feelabout peeps?
Do you want to know how I feelabout peeps?
Briefly, eric, keep it brief.
Briefly, fucking hate them.

(01:03:49):
They're an insult tomarshmallow Jesus.

Matt (01:03:51):
Christ, okay, it's marshmallow dusted, and I have
absolutely no respect for whatyou just said.
Yeah, and you either.
We're still going to do thisrecord, though it was set at
National Harbor, maryland.

Eric (01:04:06):
In five minutes.
Five minutes, I'm going to say200 peeps, and it is Joey
Chestnut.

Matt (01:04:12):
Eric, I'm impressed with you.
The record is 255 peeps.
Nice In five minutes.
But it is not Joey Chestnut,damn it.
No, it is Matt Stoney, mattStoney.
Matt Stoney holds the recordsfor that.
Yes, I'm afraid.
So Now let's talk about heroes,or gyros, in the American

(01:04:33):
pronunciation.

Eric (01:04:34):
Oh yeah, gyros.
Sorry, this is for Alex Caflexkafirakis, who is the person who
taught me gyro.
Yeah sure heroes, heroes whichI found, or gyros in greece
they're actually made from porkand not the the lamb, the lamb
cone well, there's, there's bothyou can get pork.
The pork is traditional.
It's very good.
Good Heroes, heroes, in howmuch time they are eight-ounce

(01:04:58):
heroes, that's barely a hero.

Matt (01:05:01):
It was 10 minutes.
I'm going to say, and it wasset at Nico, nico's Heroes, if
that helps you.

Eric (01:05:06):
They're eight-ounce heroes .
In how many minutes?
Again, 10.
10?
I'm going to say 15 heroes, 30.

Matt (01:05:23):
Wow, I'm gonna say 15 euros, 30, 38 ounce heroes in 10
minutes.
Now, who ate it?
Joey justin, and yes, he did,yes, he did.
He cannot be stopped.
God, I'm impressed by this man.
Now, this one is a little localfor me, my friend.
Oh, is this lancaster?
Yes, shoe fly pie.
Oh, damn, eric, what do you, doyou know about shoe fly?

Eric (01:05:40):
oh, I fucking love shoe fly pie and I'll tell you this
for goddamn sure, for anyonewho's ever eaten shoe fly pie as
not a food I would want tofucking competitively.
That is a dense pie shoe flypie a slice of that.

Matt (01:05:52):
I'm down for the count shoe fly pie is essentially
nothing but molasses in a crust.
Yeah, it's delicious, butthat's what it is.
Yeah, it was set at RockvilleOutlets in Pennsylvania.
Of course, it was eight minutes.
Who said it?

Eric (01:06:09):
I'm going to say First of all how much.

Matt (01:06:11):
I'm going to say eight shoofly pies.
Okay, eric, that could becorrect.
What I've got here is pounds,so tell me how many pounds of
shoe fly pie.

Eric (01:06:22):
Oh, my God, I'm going to say, I'm going to say are these
standard pie size, shoe fly pies?

Matt (01:06:28):
Let us assume.

Eric (01:06:29):
Okay, I'm going to say then gonna say than 12 pounds of
shoofly pie it's 11.1 pounds.
Yeah, really good for you,really bad for the person who oh
, that I, because I don't knowhow you have 11 pounds of
molasses in you and continue tolive I'm gonna answer with a
with a qualification chest, notbecause joey chestnut, I feel,

(01:06:53):
understands that his body is hisinstrument and takes care of it
.
12 pounds of fucking shooflypie, no one should do that.

Matt (01:07:01):
I do not know that that is true about Joey Chestnut, but I
do know that it's true that itwas not him.
It was Patrick Bertolli.
Patrick Bertolli, bertolletti,bertolletti, patrick Bertolletti
.

Eric (01:07:15):
I ate the shoofly pie, just like my mama used to make.

Matt (01:07:20):
Jalapeno poppers 10 minutes, 10 minutes of jalapeno
poppers I fucking love jalapenopoppers.

Eric (01:07:27):
I'm going to say in 10 minutes I'm going to say 160.
No, I'm going to say 212jalapeno poppers in that, in
that amount of time it's 118okay, 118 jalapeno poppers in 10
minutes.

Matt (01:07:42):
It was set at the university of arizona.
But who said?

Eric (01:07:45):
it.
I think I'm I'm about to chestnut and that is my answer
chestnut pop off king.

Matt (01:07:51):
it's a chestnut, it is one nut nut nut.
It is one of his records.
Let's go on to your 10thquestion.
Okay, Taco Bell tacos.
They are soft shells.
Taco Bell tacos in 10 minutes.

Eric (01:08:04):
That makes it worse.
In 10 minutes, Taco.

Matt (01:08:07):
Bell 10 minutes.

Eric (01:08:09):
I'm going to say they're soft beef tacos.
I'm going to say 87.
It's 53.
And it is chestnut, it is.

Matt (01:08:19):
Joey Chestnut.
He ate 53 soft beef tacos fromTaco Bell in 10 minutes.
Eric Funnel cake 10 minutes.

Eric (01:08:30):
King's Dominion Pound Pounds Standard funnel cake size
a plate of, I'm gonna say, 13pounds of funnel cake.

Matt (01:08:41):
I wish it's 5.9 it's 5.9 pounds in 10 minutes to be
eating.

Eric (01:08:46):
It's very heavy.

Matt (01:08:47):
I'm gonna say chestnut chestnut nope, it's the king
himself.
Chestnut.
Ate almost six pounds of funnelcake in 10 minutes.

Eric (01:08:56):
Can't be stopped.

Matt (01:08:57):
He cannot be stopped, but perhaps he could be stopped by
glazed donuts in eight minutes.

Eric (01:09:05):
Glazed donuts.
In eight minutes, I'm going tosay 130.

Matt (01:09:11):
130.
You almost doubled it, it's 70.

Eric (01:09:15):
70 glazed donuts.
I'm going to say it is chestnut.

Matt (01:09:19):
And you would be correct it's James Webb.

Eric (01:09:21):
Yeah, james Webb Of the telescope.

Matt (01:09:25):
Of the telescope.

Eric (01:09:27):
Yes, the telescope is the second thing he's most famous
for All right, eric.

Matt (01:09:34):
Yeah, matzo balls.
Ooh, baseball-sized matzo balls, baseball sized.
Yeah, that's good, matzo balls.
That's good it was.
It was set in the odd timeframe of five minutes and 25
seconds matzo balls.

Eric (01:09:48):
Five minutes, 25 seconds.
I'm gonna say two dozen, twodozen two dozen 24.

Matt (01:09:54):
Thank you, given the baker's dozen, I'm glad you
clarified yeah, that's why Iclarified.

Eric (01:10:00):
I'm gonna say it is a chestnut you were dangerously
close.

Matt (01:10:03):
It is 21.
But it was not joey chestnut,no, it was eric badlands booker.

Eric (01:10:11):
Oh, man don't ask him how he got that name come on now.

Matt (01:10:14):
How do you feel about shrimp?
Wontons?

Eric (01:10:19):
oh like okay minutes.

Matt (01:10:21):
Shrimp wontons eight minutes it was at the cp biggest
eater competition I'm gonna say63, and it was joey chestnut
you got the thing that matterscorrect.
It is joey chestnut.
But you did my boy dirty.
Oh man, he did like 200, didn't?
He 390 shrimp wontons in eightminutes.

(01:10:42):
Oh my god, 390 shrimp wontons,oh my ran god now this one eric,
I picked out just for youbecause he has over 50 world
records yeah, so I.
We will never see his like againI wanted a breath and shrimp
wontons I felt like was one ofthose that were like I was
pulling from, from the theperiphery.

(01:11:04):
You know, yeah, it's not.
It's not hot dogs, it's notdonuts.
No, all right.
But, eric, I know you likegumbo I fucking love gumbo I
know this because we both, weboth, I feel like we both loved
gumbo.
We fell in love with gumbo atthe same time, when a friend of
ours was making it.
Gumbo Eric 8 minutes and it isat world record.

(01:11:25):
Gumbo, is this gallons, eric?
For you, I've got gallon andpound measurements.

Eric (01:11:32):
I'm going to go off gallons.

Matt (01:11:34):
Okay.

Eric (01:11:35):
I'm going to say and a half gallons.

Matt (01:11:38):
Okay, joey chestnut it is 1.875 gallons, or, put another
way, 15 pounds.
The person in question consumed15, 16 ounce bowls.
Damn, and that person was joeychestnut eric, you get the
points.
Pastrami sandwiches how manyhalf pastrami sandwiches, okay,

(01:12:06):
were consumed in 10 minutes toset the world record.
And yes, it's at cat'sdelicatessen in new york city I
was.

Eric (01:12:13):
I was gonna say I was like are these proper pastrami
sandwiches?

Matt (01:12:17):
where the bread is an afterthought.
These are proper cats pastramisandwiches how many in 10
minutes?

Eric (01:12:25):
how many half sandwiches in 10 minutes?
Oh, I'm gonna say how many halfsandwiches, I'm gonna say from
cats from cats.

Matt (01:12:33):
I'm gonna say for For those who might not be confused,
you should give it a quickGoogle.
They are high, they are thesignature item from Cats
Delicatessen.
Yeah.

Eric (01:12:41):
I'm going to say 15 of them.

Matt (01:12:44):
It's 25 half sandwiches in 10 minutes.

Eric (01:12:47):
And I'm going to say it was Joey Chestnut.

Matt (01:12:51):
You would think it's Joey Chestnut.
And it is yeah, and it is yeah,and it is.
Let's go off the beaten pathjust a little bit.
Okay, bring me in Cow brains.
Ooh, how many cow brains I have, both the number of brains and
the poundage.
Oh God, in 15 minutes.

Eric (01:13:14):
I'm going to say 23 pounds of cow brain and I'm going to
say it was Joey Chestnut.

Matt (01:13:18):
You were not very far away in terms of pounds, 57 cow
brains made the record, 17.7pounds, and this is a Kobayashi.
Ah, I got it.
Yeah, yes, you do get it.
It is a Kobayashi world record,not a Joey Chestnut.
Let's talk about pierogies.

(01:13:38):
Okay, pierogies, how many ineight minutes?

Eric (01:13:42):
Oh, in eight minutes.
I'm going to say 36 in eightminutes and I'm going to say it
is a chestnut.

Matt (01:13:50):
It is a chestnut, damn.
And it is 165, eric, oh my God,165, eric, oh my god.
165 pierogies in eight minutes,my god, what a god.
But you don't get it right.
Philly cheese steaks oh, nowwe're talking Six inch
sandwiches.
It was set at Dorney Park.

(01:14:10):
Ten minutes Was this in Philly?
Yes, that's a Pennsylvaniaamusement park, johnny Park.
Okay.

Eric (01:14:18):
I'm going to say 37.
Okay, and I'm going to say JoeyChestnut, it's 23,.
Eric.

Matt (01:14:24):
It's 23,.
Overshot a little bit.
Some might say mouth is biggerthan your stomach.
23, and it was eaten by JoeyChestnut.
Very good, eric and Eric.
The time's flown by.
We're at our final question.
Pancakes, oh man, flap Jacks,if you will.
Yeah, these were wild eggs.

(01:14:46):
Pancakes, 10 minutes.

Eric (01:14:49):
I need to know are you able to give me any idea of the
size of each individual Jack?
Yes, actually.

Matt (01:14:53):
I was just going to say.
I do have a note that thepancake seems to be written down
as 3.25 ounces.

Eric (01:15:02):
I'm going to say so.
That's probably about like asix inch pancake.
I'm going to say in 10 minutes,10 minutes.
I'm going to say 111.

Matt (01:15:12):
50.
Only 50.
Only 50.
A reasonable 50.
I'm going to gonna say, justnot eric.
You end on a high note.
It's patrick bertoletti.
Yet again, the bertolettistrikes.
Again.
The bertoletti strikes once morepretty good eric, you didn't
just do pretty good, you got 15out of 20.

(01:15:33):
My guy oh yeah, very good, eric, this might be your most
successful has to be uh quiz sofar.
But hey, you know what I said?
He's got 50 records.
I did, I, I didn't.
I.
The most of these, as youcorrectly assumed, are joey
chestnut's records, but uh,there's plenty more to choose
from.

Eric (01:15:52):
Perhaps this is a pop quiz that could come back around, oh
, when we inevitably have JoeyChestnut as a guest on our show,
when we, finally, when heanswers my calls.

Matt (01:16:02):
If you know Joey Chestnut, if you have seen him, if you
know he's there, send him to usIf you are a representative of
Joey Chestnut or, in fact, anymajor league eater, I would like
to talk to your client If youor anyone you know has been a
victim of Joey Chestnut.
No one has been a victim ofJoey Chestnut, except for the

(01:16:23):
parts of the animals that areinvolved in things he eats.

Eric (01:16:27):
Or except for the Nathan's Hot Dog marketing team, who he
absolutely bodied when he calledtheir bluff.
Yes 100% God.
We salute you, joey chestnut.

Matt (01:16:37):
We salute you on this podcast, joey, chestnut and eric
.
I just want you to know I'vebeen sitting on chestnut or
chestnut in my ideas list formonths, matt if I can just say
for months I've had this ideaand it's just been waiting for
me to execute top, top to bottom, immaculate the subject, the

(01:16:58):
format, the scoring system ofchestnut or chestnut 10 out of
10, no notes.

Eric (01:17:06):
Thank you, Beautiful.

Matt (01:17:07):
I appreciate that and I appreciate you.
I appreciate you, I appreciateyour friendship.

Eric (01:17:12):
And I appreciate us.

Matt (01:17:14):
And I appreciate you, dear listener, for listening to this
show, but I think that'll aboutdo it.
That'll about do it For thisepisode of you Didn't Ask For
this.
Listen, we do need yourquestions.
We need them quite desperately.
They are the lifeblood of thisshow, after all they are.
You can send them to us atyoudidntaskforthis or gmailcom,
or find us on the varioussocials, mainly Instagram, at

(01:17:37):
you Didn't Ask Pod.
That's the letter.
You Didn't Ask Pod, althoughthese days we're getting a lot
of questions on the Discord.
Real quick, eric.
How and why might a person wantto be on our Discord?

Eric (01:17:50):
Fine, you Didn't Ask for this on Patreon.
For one measly dollar a month,you get access to the discord,
where the vibes, I must say, areimmaculate.
Uh, for four american usdollars a month barely enough
for a nathan's hot dog, barelyin this economy you get access

(01:18:10):
to the discord.
You get monthly bonus contentin the form of Oops, all
Tangents.
Oh yeah, you took that adirection.
Yeah.

Matt (01:18:20):
I made a choice.
I love it Strong and wrongthat's what they call me.

Eric (01:18:23):
Oops, all Tangents, monthly bonus content and you
get 20% off of all your daftmerchandise Come the fuck on.

Matt (01:18:32):
Come the fuck on to patreoncom slash.
You didn't ask for this.
Or just get some merch foryourself without that snazzy
discount at.
You didn't ask for this dot comslash shop Still working on the
website, don't worry, it'scoming.
But the shop is open forbusiness.
Get in there, get in there, geta mug, get a sweatshirt, get

(01:18:54):
something.
Anything, any old thing.
We might have more merch comingsoon.
Who can say?
You don't know, who knows,perhaps something might be
changing.
Ooh, just a little teaser foryou to chew on.
But for all of us here, youdidn't ask for this.
My name's Matthew Shea, myname's Eric Poach.

(01:19:15):
You didn't ask for this.
My name's Matthew Shea, myname's Eric Poach.
And listen, you didn't ask.

Eric (01:19:18):
But at the end of the day, mary Poppins isn't just a story
about a family.
It's a story about breakingdown barriers between the
classes.
Because we see within thestruggle of Mr Banks he's not
only struggling as a father,he's struggling as a cog within
the machine of capitalism.
Because you'd see him and you'dsee his life and you'd think.

(01:19:40):
You know he's well off, he canafford a lovely townhome, he can
afford to employ servants and ananny is just.
You know, he's just anotherneck under the boot of the
bankers of the financialinstitutions that uphold our

(01:20:01):
capitalist society and demandthat it must go on.
I encourage you all today gohome, gather your loved ones,
watch Mary Poppins and then goout and find, like an Edwardian
English, bobby, and kick him inthe teeth.

Matt (01:20:16):
You know, they do just have Bobbies.

Eric (01:20:19):
There are still cops over there, yeah but I prefer to
encourage crimes that are moremetaphysical in nature.

Matt (01:20:26):
I don't know how to joke my way out of this.
I don't know how to joke thisvibe away.

Eric (01:20:31):
Joke the vibe away stepping time.
Joke the vibe away steppingtime.
Joke the vibe away steppingtime.

Matt (01:20:35):
Stepping time.
Joke the vibe away.
Stepping time, Joke the vibeaway.
Stepping time.
Stepping time, Eric.
Ruin the show.
Oh, Ah you.