125 | Ibprofriend

What is the platonic version of the sex euphemism “getting some vitamin D”? Matt and Eric break that down this week before diving into a host of personal questions you've submitted...which almost brought this episode into Oops, All Tangents territory. 

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Episode Transcript

Eric (00:00):
a lot of people aren't going to like what I have to say
.
Am I one of them?
I don't know, matt, all right,I know.

Matt (00:09):
Starting off the show on tentative ground.

Eric (00:12):
I know opinions are divided right now.
I know.

Matt (00:18):
Sorry, I'm bringing the wrong tone to this cold open,
continue, I'm sorry.
Yes, oh, thank you.
Yeah, yeah, there's a lot.
You know it's been a tough timein the country it's been a very
, very tough time.

Eric (00:28):
Uh, god, I hope you're setting up a bit a lot of tough
opinions.
Oh, right now and hard, hardtruths, hard truths, and I'm
glad you use that word hardtruths, hard truths.
Because I, kids, we need totake the bitter pill.
All right, are you ready this?
We got to take our medicine,got to take the bitter with the

(00:50):
sweet yeah soft cookies are dogshit.
What do?

Matt (00:56):
you what hold on soft cookies are dog shit when I dog
when you go to purchase.

Eric (01:04):
Okay, if you're not making cookies yourself, which which I
know, you were an accomplishedbaker.
Thank you.

Matt (01:09):
I actually made a skillet cookie last night, oh nut Love a
skillet cookie.

Eric (01:15):
Yeah, Pazookie did when I go to buy cookies from the
fucking store or Costco or, ifI'm more more commonly, if I'm
at like a work luncheon.

Matt (01:28):
Oh yeah, that's a good place to find soft cookies.

Eric (01:31):
And I pick up a cookie and I bite it.
I'm talking about cookies thatare designed like the chewy
cookie fad, which has which hasbeen a fad since we were like in
middle or high school when theycame out with the chips ahoy,
soft and chewy, yeah, it fuckingsucks I'm just so glad you're
starting off with a wrongopinion no, no, so we can get it

(01:52):
so we can get it out of the wayand the audience starts off
against you and before anyonefucking come at me.
They're like eric, what's wrongwith you?
You don't like a soft cookie?
No, I actually love a softcookie.
Then what are we talking about?
What we're talking about, matt,is.
The only time a cookie shouldbe soft is when it is fresh from

(02:13):
the oven eric, I don't, I don'tagree, I'm sorry, but these the
salt.
Any other time it feels like I'mbiting into a gross state, like
a cookie that has been likestaled or or or or or made wrong
or like made with some fuckingweird oil a cookie.

(02:33):
The only time a cookie shouldbe soft is when it is fresh from
the oven and a little bit gooeyin the center, and it is
flawless.
That is perfect, that is pureand you have earned that.

Matt (02:45):
I'm sorry, Eric.
I'm sorry Eric.
I can't let this go on anyfurther anymore because, to do
my best, Eric Pokes impressionfor a second in this house.
In this house, all cookiebodies are beautiful.
Who am I to tell a cookie,whether or not they can be hard

(03:07):
or soft?

Eric (03:10):
there's a fucking inflection.

Matt (03:11):
You nailed it oh man yeah I've edited.
Enough of you, yeah, trying totake me down a dark path to know
how to do the voice I, it'sjust man once.

Eric (03:24):
Once a cookie has been allowed to cool and it has
entered its long phase, it hasentered its chrysalis phase as a
cookie.
Yes it's.

Matt (03:33):
That's when it should be it should be.

Eric (03:35):
It should be crispy on the outside.
If the cookie is soft in anyway, it should be toward the
middle, but the outside shouldbe crispy and firm.

Matt (03:44):
Good crunch Bro how am I going to fucking-.
It depends on the cookie.
It's just, you got to know.
It's like the oatmeal raisinthing, right?
If you think I fucking hateoatmeal raisin, calm it down.
Okay, if you think you'repicking up a chocolate chip
cookie and you bite into it andit's oatmeal raisin, it's the
worst thing.
But if you're going knowingthat you're going to eat an

(04:04):
oatmeal raisin, there's nothingwrong with the oatmeal raisin.
I hate it.
Why do you hate it?
I hate it so much.
Why do you hate oats?

Eric (04:15):
Why do you hate grains?
Because as much as I wish I was, I am not a horse.
Matthew, as much as I wish Iwas, I was not a horse.

Matt (04:23):
I just wish you started this cold open making fun of who
I thought you were going tomake fun of.

Eric (04:31):
Canceled next week.

Matt (04:45):
Well, hello everybody and welcome to you.
Didn't Ask For this number 125,if you can believe that, folks,
my name is, of course, matthew.

Eric (05:00):
Shea, and I am not a horse .

Matt (05:02):
Eric Poach, yes, nay, nay, nay, ah.
A hundred and twenty-fiveepisodes of that sort of humor,
god.
Now, eric, what's notable aboutthis episode is that it is

(05:26):
coming out if you're listeningto this on the release day, you
already know number 125 comingout on 9-25, september 25th,
which is very notably the end ofSeptember and not the end of
October.
Eric, would you like to tellthe folks how you found me when
you entered this video chat Gang?

Eric (05:43):
the words in a tizzy does not even begin to scratch the
surface no sir, we were headinginto breakdown yeah, my man's
was crashing out, my man's waslisten, my man's was hanging on
by a fucking thread listen.

Matt (06:00):
It has been an incredibly stressful and busy month for me,
especially in the last twoweeks.
I've had a lot of bothfull-time and after full-time
full-time work to do.
Yes, and I have been incrediblystressed, hanging on by a

(06:22):
thread, incredibly stressed,hanging on by a thread.
So when I sat down and realizedthat we had prepped a Halloween
episode for an episode that isgoing to drop in one week, I had
a little bit of a meltdown.
Yeah, you see, we kind ofskipped a week in our brains
there Kind of skipped a month,kind of skipped a whole ass
month.
But the good news is our, ourfucking halloween content is

(06:45):
locked and loaded.
Yeah, we got that halloweenepisode ready to go for, for
number 127, I believe.
And I do want to say I got apoint out.
Eric pointed this out very,very quickly, because you're a
good friend, of course.
At any point in the last, say,week or so you could have
pointed out that I was talkingabout the wrong episode, but

(07:05):
we'll didn't.
Let's put that aside, let's put,because the eric, that's not.
I can't hold that against youbecause it's not expected of you
.
Thank you, I'm the one who'ssupposed to have the shit
together for this podcast and Ilet you.
And I you know what.
I let you down.
Matt, I accept your apology.
I let you.
It was a given you were goingto let me down, so I apologize

(07:29):
to you in potentially the mostoffensive apology that's ever
been issued.
You came to my defense by sayingimmediately that what the
problem was was I was going offof the drop date in our
spreadsheet, which is housed sowe can both use it in Google

(07:49):
Sheets, and we had some hiddenrows and the formula got fucked
up, which wouldn't have happenedin Excel, by the way.

Eric (07:55):
Nope, and that is where that happened Could never have
been my Excel.

Matt (07:59):
Because I just blindly trusted Google Sheets and, as we
have documented time and timeagain on this podcast, we do not
support Google Sheets.

Eric (08:09):
No, Google Sheets is this.
I am holding up two middlefingers.

Matt (08:13):
Okay, what's interesting about that is Eric could have
been holding up two middlefingers, but he wasn't.

Eric (08:19):
Oh were they off screen.

Matt (08:21):
They were off.
I was like, did he forget?
I also can see him.
And sorry, here we go.
Uh, it is this, uh-huh and itis this.
Yes, thank you for firstpointing to the first middle.
Fine, give you some turnsignals, nice, oh, eric, god,
what a, what a clown you are.
Yeah, gif that, g Put that on.
TikTok, wish I could, anyway.

(08:44):
So what we've got for you today, folks, is an episode, just a
regular one, not so spooky, butbecause our closing segment
which, I have to say, veryspecial, I'm not going to reveal
it just yet.
I was excited to get to it,yeah, but we're going to have to
save that for Halloween.
We had to come up with one onthe spot.

Eric (09:10):
So what we're gonna have to save that for halloween.
We had to come up with one onthe spot.
So what we're gonna do, eric,uh, tell the people what the
plan is.
The plan is, and this plan isis slapdashery of the highest
order, but it's our slapdashery.
So you know you're gettingsomething good.
Yeah, we're going to answer anormal ass question and then
we're going to go into a well,not a normal ass question sorry,
one of ours, yeah, relativelyon brand.

Matt (09:22):
Then we're going to go into a segment.
Well, not a normal ass question.
Sorry, one of ours.
Yeah, relatively On brand.

Eric (09:26):
Then we're going to do a segment we haven't done for a
while, which is personalquestions.
Me and Matt are going to we'regoing to get personal.

Matt (09:34):
We're going to get personal.
I'm excited about it.
Yeah, I'm excited.
You know we got some personalquestions lined up, but who
knows?
Maybe some others will pop up.
Who can say?
Who can say where we go?
who can say where we gotta go.
All right, um, do you want toget into this?

Eric (09:55):
yes, first question, eric, tell the people what it is
happily, our first questioncomes from good art, the of
Yadav, sir Juniper.
The question is you know howpeople sometimes use quote
getting some vitamin D as aeuphemism for sex?

(10:18):
What would be the friendshipslash platonic version of that?

Matt (10:22):
And I think this is a very interesting question from a few
angles, the first one beingsomething Eric and I started to
discuss.
Right, you know, normally whenwe, before we hit record, eric
and I kind of talk, check youknow, check in, catch up, talk
about work and shit that youdon't want to hear about.
Today I went, went after themeltdown about the spooky.

(10:45):
After the meltdown about thespooky episode, that wasn't um I
, I said to eric let's, let's,let's, pivot.
Uh, eric came up with thisgreat idea for the personal
questions excellent plan, whatshould be our regular question
how about this vitamin dquestion?
And then I thought I innocentlysaid, yeah, make sure you couch

(11:08):
it.
I innocently said, off the cuff, you know, I personally haven't
even heard of the euphemismgetting some vitamin D as a
euphemism for sex.
And Eric Poach immediatelystarted laughing at me and then
said we got to start recordingright now because you are the

(11:31):
youngest old man I know you are.
And then you called me precious.

Eric (11:38):
And then, you said I don't mean that to be demeaning.
Okay, first of all, I said itwas endearing, because it is.

Matt (11:47):
Eric, you are portraying me as some like hermit, like
some like agoraphobic person whoonly watches sitcoms from the
90s and has no sort of like,like, uh, progressive opinions

(12:08):
or, or or anything.
No, no, no, you don't get todeny it, because your, your,
your significant other came onto this show via your mouth to
say that I wouldn't say dick onthe podcast because I'm too
precious, oh, I'm too innocent,oh, I'm too sheltered to say

(12:28):
such profanity as penis.
I clipped so hard just now,saying penis, that my mic
completely cut out.

Eric (12:38):
I want to, I want to point that I just want to reassure
everyone.
This is the crash out talkingstill got to work a little out
of his system.
It's going to be okay.
He knows he's my special manand I love him See that also
feels demeaning.
I will also remind.

Matt (12:53):
That's how you talk to your son who was just beat up at
school.

Eric (12:57):
Ladies and gentlemen of the chat, I will remind you that
my client you don't representme once in the middle of the
episode, did not believe me whenI said that glizzy is a word
for hot dog.

Matt (13:12):
Okay, to google it fair enough on the spot.
Fair enough, I was I, and in infairness, eric.
I want to point this out aswell if you're gonna cut, if
you're gonna attack me, I'mgonna counter attack.
Yeah, I would say I was about amonth behind the curve, because
about a month.
Hold on, just calm it down.
Yeah, cough out your weed andlet me speak me my inhaler the

(13:41):
the the month after we had thewhole glizzy, glizzy gate glizzy
gate 24, I started hearingglizzy all over the place and it
officially entered the popculture lexicon in a big, big,
big way.

(14:02):
I think when you were holding itagainst me it was still being
used ironically in in these, inthese dingy underground scenes
you love to patronize in these,in these dens of iniquity, in
these dens of sin that you findyourselves.

Eric (14:20):
I also love this image of you.
I I like that that once you arenot the gatekeeper, you're the
caboose of of the thing because,like, once it's hit you, you're
like okay, all right, everyone.
Now it has entered the, thezeitgeist that's right.

Matt (14:39):
I I'm not leading the charge.
I'm riding the back of therails with a clipboard.

Eric (14:45):
Tearing off all the lights behind us.

Matt (14:47):
Okay, okay, yeah, just so everyone up there knows people
saying glizzy now.
Yeah, that is essentially whatI said.
Yes, please feel free to callinto the thought line.

Eric (14:59):
Let us know when you first heard the use of the word
glizzy, where were you?
Where were you first how use ofthe word glizzy?
Where were you when you firstheard how to talk to your kids?

Matt (15:07):
about glizzies.
This is your brain.
This is your brain on glizzies.

Eric (15:11):
All of that to say, Matt was not immediately familiar
that he has not yet heralded thearrival of vitamin D.
Getting some vitamin D?

Matt (15:22):
Now let me just clarify right off the bat.

Eric (15:24):
Yeah.

Matt (15:25):
I get it.
Now let me just clarify rightoff the bat yeah, I get it.
Okay, don't, don't.
Don't be out here trying to,trying to make me seem like Ooh,
I'm getting ahead of that rightaway.
I wasn't sitting here goinglike now how is?
Ultraviolet light coming intothe bedroom.
That's not me.
I don't understand.
I simply don't understand.

(15:46):
Are you having some sunnydelight?

Eric (15:49):
No, I never thought for a second that you didn't get the
euphemism.

Matt (15:53):
Thank you.

Eric (15:53):
You who are a champion of the word dick, as established.

Matt (15:57):
Thank you.
If we had the time, I'd makeanother super cut.
But don't get excited audience,I don't.

Eric (16:03):
I'd make another super cut , but don't get excited audience
, I don't.
So, yes, getting some vitamin Deuphemism for sex.
The question is, what would weuse for platonic friendship
version?

Matt (16:16):
of that.
Oh wait, hold on, You're notgoing to circle back to whatever
riff you wanted to make aboutme.
I mean, what do you want, matt,Matt, matt, matt, I love you,
don't give me that shit.

Eric (16:31):
Yeah, that's it.
I love you and you're andyou're, you're just this, you're
just this, this, this preciouslittle old man in a in a in a in
a handsome young body I thinkthere's another word for it.

Matt (16:44):
I'm trying to think of it.
Oh, adult.
I think the word you might belooking for is adult.
I'm an adult man.

Eric (16:55):
And I'm out here, I'm just like this silly little guy,
this silly little fella, yep,yep.

Matt (17:03):
You're a silly little fella Wrapped.
You're a silly little fellaWrapped in this great Dane meat
suit.
Anyway, I love you as well andone day I hope to respect you
Goddamn right you do.
Zing.
And then let me say again gothim I like the first way you

(17:27):
said.

Eric (17:27):
It was like you were looking to a ref to confirm it.
Uh, zing, is that a hit?
That's a hit.
So friendship, uh, yeah, let'stalk about it.
Vitamin d, vitamin d which,which, getting some vitamin d
for euphemism for sex.
It is first of all it is, Iwill say a lot it's gendered,

(17:48):
it's assuming that they're.

Matt (17:49):
Yeah, it's assuming there's a dick involved at all.
It's assuming there's a d to beinvolved.
But since that is the referreferential, since that's the
referential d, yeah, thereferential dick.
The rule of Does that not leavethe first thing that jumps to
mind and it sucks.
It's not funny.
Okay, vitamin B for buddy.
That's cute.

(18:10):
That is cute.
It's cute.
I think we can do better.
Vitamin C nice to see you, Imean that's using like the
texting parlance, I guess.

Eric (18:20):
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, I mean I'm not above it.
No, no, let's see, does it haveto be?

Matt (18:26):
a letter vitamin, vitamin C for comrade.

Eric (18:29):
Ooh, vitamin C for comrade Comradery, Comradery Ooh okay,
communism.
Okay, so now?
So, when the revolution begins,we're just going to start.
Got to get some vitamin C?
Oranges become the symbol ofthe revolution, wasn't that a
thing?
No, it wasn't oranges, it wasducks were the symbol of the

(18:49):
revolution?
It was ducks, it was rubberducks, rubber ducks.
Ours will be oranges, orange,ducks, orange ducks.

Matt (18:59):
Yeah, vitamin B, cute Vitamin C for comrade or
camaraderie.
Suppressive.
Very, we're getting there.

Eric (19:06):
Yeah, yeah, we're getting there, we're cooking, and I did
want to introduce the conceptthat are we bound to a letter
vitamin?
I don't feel like we have to be.

Matt (19:15):
No, get some, because there's like vitamin B12, for
example.
They do a alphanumericcombination.
Ooh, what do you?
Why?
What are you thinking?
You got some letters.

Eric (19:27):
I just want to broaden.

Matt (19:29):
I mean some numbers you want to pull.

Eric (19:30):
Yeah, Not even numbers Like there's.
There's all kinds of ways toget vitamins and minerals.
There's Flintstones vitamins.

Matt (19:37):
Sure.

Eric (19:38):
There's, there's.

Matt (19:39):
Tums, I mean sure.

Eric (19:41):
Not a vitamin or a mineral .
I was going to say not exactlya vitamin supplement.
But when I want a nice feelingin my tummy yeah, Like when I'm
with my friends I take a Tums.

Matt (19:53):
You take a Tums.
I live and die by the Tums, orat least I did until my
gastroenterologist got me on adifferent sort of medication.

Eric (20:03):
Got you on that, got you on that military grade Tom?

Matt (20:06):
Pretty much.
Yeah, on that preventative Tom,we're going down a cul-de-sac
now A pharmaceutical cul-de-sac.
Let's leave it.
Let's do a quick Yui and getback on the road.

Eric (20:17):
Because not only does it have to make sense, it has to
Because, like going to get somevitamin D, it flows, oh yeah.

Matt (20:24):
It flows because, like gonna get some vitamin d it
flows.
Oh yeah, it flows.
Yeah, yeah, yeah um oh, maybeyou hit it.
Is it a mineral?
A mineral?
You said vitamin, vitamins andminerals, vitamins and minerals
if vitamin d is taken up by bigold veiny dick yes, by big dick.
Vitamin D is a conspiracy byBig Dick, by Big Dick Energy.

(20:45):
Maybe it's a mineral.
That is the platonic,non-romantic version.
Do you have any minerals inmind?
Not a one, because here's theMatt.
I'm going to be vulnerable fora second.
I'm going to look up a list ofminerals while you be vulnerable
.

Eric (21:01):
That's the thing.
I'm going to be very vulnerable, please.
I have a decent grasp ofvitamins.
My whole life I've heard theterms vitamins and minerals and
I'm told that they are veryimportant.
Matt, yeah, I don't know whatminerals do there are.
I know what rocks are, theFlintstones vitamin for my

(21:22):
precious vitamins and minerals.
I've never even thought aboutlike A, what minerals?
B?
What are they doing?
What?

Matt (21:30):
are they doing in there?
Why do I have?

Eric (21:31):
rocks in my blood.

Matt (21:32):
First of all, I pulled up the list of minerals Wikipedia
entry and that was a mistake.
There are far too many to evenhonestly look at.

Eric (21:44):
Can't even consider them.

Matt (21:45):
And then the list of minerals recognized by the
international mineralogicalassociation says presently, each
year, about 90 to 110 newmineral species are approved.
Uh, per per year, it or no wereofficially approved since 1959.

(22:07):
I really should read the fullsentence.
There are new minerals, is whatI'm trying to say.

Eric (22:12):
We're in a mineral boom right now.

Matt (22:14):
Reboot we're in a mineral rush.
Yes, there's a reboot happeningof minerals.
What we got here here's some ofthe major minerals, so we don't
look like complete fuckingidiots.
Also known as macro minerals.
What we got here here's some ofthe major minerals, so we don't
look like complete fuckingidiots.
Also known as macro mineralsBig minerals, which is just kind
of fun.
Okay, Calcium, potassium,phosphorus, sodium, magnesium

(22:36):
and chloride are the big ones inhumans.
Those build strong bones,strong teeth, regulate fluids,
maintain nerve and musclefunction.
And then there's the trace ones, such as iron, zinc, iodine,
copper and selenium.
You would think, as someone whohas a blood disorder related to

(22:57):
how his body stores iron, asI've talked about on this show.
Well, oops, all tangents.
Previously I would know aboutiron being a mineral, but it
didn't come up.

Eric (23:07):
As you're listening, I'm like oh, that's what minerals
are.
Just thought those werevitamins.

Matt (23:12):
Yes, we are To quote my grandmother when she, towards
the end of her life, asked me tountie a rosary that she had
gotten in a knot, and I had itin my hand for approximately two
seconds and she turned toeveryone else in the room.

(23:36):
After just about a second ofthis necklace being in my hand,
turned to the rest of the room,went college graduate got him
boom roasted boom roasted, boomroasted thanks, baba.
Everyone loves that story, andyou know who laughed the hardest
when she said that your parents.
Lindsey, oh lindsey yeah or,I'm sorry as my, as my

(24:00):
grandmother called her renee,which is lindsey little name.
Little name is her middle name,which, uh, baba said uh, when
meeting.
I here's just a little ditty.
I don't know why this is comingup.
Is Baba Lindsay's grandma.
No, baba's Baba was mygrandmother, baba's your grandma
, um, and she, oh boy.

(24:20):
She said the Lindsay.
The first time she met her iswhat is your name?
And she said, oh, it's Lindsay.
What's your middle name?
And she said Renee.
And Baba said let's go withRenee, it's better.

Eric (24:34):
It's better.
It's better.

Matt (24:36):
And then she, from then on out, she went oh, Renee.
And then she would also saybecause my grandmother's from
New York, of course, yes, as is.
And then she would also saybecause my grandmother's from
New York, of course, as is, allof the Shays Except for me.

Eric (24:49):
There she was drinking her 10 o'clock cup of coffee.

Matt (24:52):
You ain't kidding.

Eric (24:53):
I met your family.

Matt (24:56):
And she's Eric.
Just to get a little dark herefor a second.
She had that late night cup ofcoffee on her deathbed.
I respect it.
Just to get a little dark herefor a second.
She had that late night cup ofcoffee on her deathbed, nice.

Eric (25:05):
I respect it.
Not nice that she was on herdeathbed, but I respect the shit
out of someone who knows it'scoming.

Matt (25:14):
And they're like coffee.
Well, I turned to the nurse andsaid can she have coffee?
And the nurse said I mean itdoesn't really.

Eric (25:22):
And I said great bedside manner yeah that's how you know
you got a fucking good nurse.
When they're like I'm gonna bereal with you, yeah, like it
does, it makes no difference, Imean it'll make her happy it's
basically what this nurse cameto me with and I was like all
right, buddy, why don't you?

Matt (25:39):
we're done with you for right now.

Eric (25:40):
I think I don't even remember how we got on this
tangent, but um I, I don'tremember either, but a tangent
to your tangent uh, did I evertell you about the time?
Because you know collegegraduate?
That's it the time.
I was walking down the streetwith my father.
I had just been accepted totowson university's acting track
.
We were walking down the streetin baltimore and we passed a

(26:01):
homeless person who was, who waslike had their little cup for
change and shit on the sidewalk.
My dad like just nods towardsme and says see that Theater
major, yeah.

Matt (26:11):
You sure did have, and continue to have, a very
supportive father.
Oh yeah, so that's okay.
I had plenty of family memberstry to talk me out of it too,
and I do hold it against them.
So we got vitamins, we gotvitamins.
We got vitamins.
We got minerals Calcium,palsium.

Eric (26:37):
Palsium is good.
Palsium Palsium is something.
Is it Be?

Matt (26:42):
honest with me.

Eric (26:43):
Ibuprofen.

Matt (26:49):
Is that anything?
Ib, ib pro friend is not ib pro.
We've left the vitamins andminerals behind and we've gone
straight into drugs.
But yeah, but I like it.
Ib pro friend, ib pro friend.
Ib pro friend, ib, ib profriend, ib pro friend.
Be pro-friend, I be pro-friend,I be pro-friend, I'm a
pro-friend dog, I'm pro-friendup in here.

Eric (27:10):
That's got legs.
I think I be pro-friend.

Matt (27:12):
I be pro-friend.

Eric (27:13):
That's the best so far.
Yeah, I was going to think I'mgoing to run through the list of
elicits in my head real quick.
Lsd no.

Matt (27:29):
LSD real quick.
Lsd.
No, lsd could just easily beanother dick metaphor,
psilocybin, friend and all.
If you're going to hang outwith somebody, I'm gonna go take
some friend, intentional friendoh my god.

Eric (27:41):
No, that's for when.
That's, that's what we use for.
When you, when you go out tolike dinner somewhere, like go
to like a restaurant, and yousee like a couple of your
friends sitting at a tablenearby, you do the.

Matt (27:51):
Oh, I didn't know, this was laced with friend and all
nice, nice, eric, that would besomething you would say uh 100,
that you would arrive to adinner and just say that,
without this question cominginto mind.

Eric (28:04):
Did we test this thing?
Did we test this, for Frendenolhas?

Matt (28:11):
this pub been tested for Frendenol.
Holy shit, I think it's beencut with a trace amount of
Frendenol.
What?

Eric (28:18):
other fun drugs are there Cialis, cialis.

Matt (28:30):
I need some, see all us.

Eric (28:31):
We can't just do word association see alice see, alice
, is when is once you want, onceyou're like, once you're like
three quarters deep into a goodhang, into a good sesh of
friendship.
That's when you go, you lookaround like see all us, you guys
want to take some friend at all.

Matt (28:45):
You guys want to take some friend in all.

Eric (28:46):
You guys want to take some friend in all?
Oh, I think we already have.

Matt (28:49):
It kind of sounds like you're suggesting an orgy when
you say it in that context.
I'm not not suggesting an orgy.
It might be easier in that caseto just say you guys want to
take some vitamin D.

Eric (29:00):
That would be let's see Now bonus tangent.
What is it for?
We have the euphemism for sex.
What is the euphemism for orgy?

Matt (29:11):
Well, first of all, there's more than just one
euphemism.
Don't pretend like this vitaminD thing is the only one.

Eric (29:16):
No, it's not the only.

Matt (29:17):
oh my God, there's so many classic it's probably the first
time the word, the concept of aeuphemism was made was to
describe talking about sex.

Eric (29:26):
Yeah, we got one-way tickets to pound town.
We got Laying some pipe.
We got scissor me timbers.
We got that's it, that's all ofthem.

Matt (29:39):
That's the list.
All right, here we go.
Just real quick, just reallyquick.
Euphemisms for sex from GoogleMake love, hook up.
We don't count those Horizontaltango.
Act of darkness Pork, Get yourjollies.

(30:01):
Hide the sausage.
Hide the sausage.
You've never heard.
Hide the sausage.
You know, I have heard hide thesausage have you Drew.
Take your vitamin D and shoveit straight up your ass.
I'll vitamin C myself out.
Do the no pants dance?
Yep, glaze the donut.
Oh no, it's really more of afritter.

Eric (30:21):
And you can tell dudes came up with so many of these
because they tend to be the moston appealing ones.

Matt (30:26):
Oh, roll in the hay, knock boots, bump uglies, yep, yep,
doing it, doing it A bit ofcrumpet Making sin, making sin,
eric, be honest with me, do youguys have one?
This is supposed to be thepersonal questions, right
Episode.
So what do you think I'm?

Eric (30:42):
trying to think, if we do have any like.

Matt (30:48):
I just want to know.
If you want me to keep it outof the show, I'll do it.

Eric (30:50):
No, no, no, no, no.
Like, truly, this isn't megoing like, oh, I don't want to
talk about it.
No, I'm trying to think if weeven bother with you.

Matt (30:57):
No, you're straight down to business.

Eric (30:58):
Business hours Straight down to business.

Matt (31:00):
There's business hours, ooh, business hours.
It's business time.
As the Flight of the Conchordsso famously put, it's business
Business.

Eric (31:11):
It's business time, office hours would be a fun one.
Oh come see me during my officehours.

Matt (31:18):
Very academic, that one.

Eric (31:22):
So we have.
We've got so deep back in.
We circled so hard back intothe sex minerals that I can't
remember we had a good oneibuprofen ibuprofen I don't I
don't think we're gonna be goodsafety.

Matt (31:34):
I don't think we're gonna beat ibuprofen no, ibuprofen is
my ibuprofen I could come overif you need some ibuprofen.

Eric (31:41):
I got some yeah I'm, I'm happy with it.
Oh and that and that it is themost common.
The most common, I feel likethe most commonly asked for drug
on the planet cash I thinkthat's probably true.

Matt (31:52):
You got any ibuprofen so I think, you know, eric, I think
we, I think we nailed, think Ina roundabout way.
Yeah, we took the hammer, wetook it out on the town, we made
it see the sights, then webrought it back and then we hit
the nail.

Eric (32:08):
Yes, we did a little world tour.

Matt (32:11):
We showed it other tools and how it could be used one day
in another world.

Eric (32:18):
We did it at a very Tolkienian pace.

Matt (32:25):
Absolutely, and a completely unnecessary
conversation about mygrandmother.
Now, eric, we're going to startour personal questions with a
question that you posed, yes,and again, it does feel like a
trap.
What are you naturally bad at?

Eric (32:38):
Oh, yeah, let's get right into it Now.
Matt, I'm going to set thedifficulty level for this
question.

Matt (32:46):
I was going to say how do you couch this?
Because people are inherentlynot good at a great many things.

Eric (32:54):
No, so I'm mostly referring to when I say what are
you naturally bad at?
I don't mean like oh, I'mnaturally bad at being a master
violin player, Duh Duh.
I mean what are we bad at thatmost people would expect most
people to be competent with.

Matt (33:12):
I see what's like a relatively regular activity
every day, like this isn't trueof me, but like a parallel
parking, for example.

Eric (33:22):
some people, some people just suck, suck, fucking shit
some people just can't do it?
Um, but I'm gonna set thedifficulty level here.
I'm gonna remove the lowhanging fruit out the way, okay,
I'm just gonna thought.

Matt (33:34):
I thought you just did that.

Eric (33:35):
No, let's just get it out of the way.

Matt (33:37):
I'm bad at responding to texts oh well, yeah, I think
that's been well documented.

Eric (33:42):
That's well documented.
That ground has been plowed.

Matt (33:44):
It's been plowed?
It has been.
We've sowed that field, yes,and already enjoyed its fruits.
Jigsaw puzzles.

Eric (33:54):
I am.
I am, and when I say I'm bad atjigsaw puzzles, I mean when I
go on vacation with, say, I'mbad at jigsaw puzzles.
I mean when I go on vacationwith her, like I was just in the
outer banks a bunch of friendsand one of the the ongoing at
was getting some ib pro friendand we were one of the ongoing
activities in the beach house wewere staying at.
Uh, whenever this group goes onvacations, we will have, we

(34:14):
will get through many puzzles.
Um, and I say we, my friends,will do the group.
I, my friends, will be sittingthere just doing a puzzle and
not like I have some friends whoare absolute geniuses at them,
like bam bam, bam.
I have friends that are like,okay, I'm going to get a piece.
Okay, look around, see what wegot.
Oh, does that?
No, okay, who will be holdingone piece for like a half hour,

(34:42):
45 minutes minimum, going wherethe fuck does this little piece
of shit?
I can't, I don't know.
And I love and jigsaw puzzlesspecifically I love puzzles.

Matt (34:56):
I was just, that was going to be my follow up question.
Are you bad at puzzles?
No, I love puzzles in general.
That was going to be myfollow-up question.
Are you bad at puzzles?
No, I love puzzles.

Eric (35:02):
And I would like to say I'm fairly competent at them,
but jigsaw puzzles are myAchilles heel in puzzling.

Matt (35:12):
Wow, I mean, I feel like I'm pretty average at the jigsaw
puzzle.
What is your strategy?
What makes you so bad?

Eric (35:22):
That's what, honestly, I I think and I'm not.

Matt (35:24):
Do you not do the edges first?
I mean, that's no.

Eric (35:27):
No, I know oh, I know, oh, I know, I will just be like I
met.
It'll be like you know, it's,it's, it's a puzzle scene of a
big bowl of ice cream, of likeNeapolitan ice cream, and I've
got a strawberry piece and I amsitting here staring and we're
forming the strawberry fuckingthing and I'm just sitting there

(35:49):
I'm like no, how, nope thatdoesn't, where does?
it go and and anytime I havebeen like okay, I'm just going
to do another piece, the samefucking thing, it's gonna do
another piece, the same fuckingthing, it's.

Matt (36:03):
It's where I'm like okay, this piece clearly goes
somewhere in this generalvicinity and I just cannot have
you considered that your friends, such as you call them, uh,
want to constantly be puttingout puzzles?
Because, really, really, eric,the horrible truth is they just
want to see you flounder.
Well, no, these people areafter you.

Eric (36:26):
Eric, no, I found a new.

Matt (36:28):
I don't do when they're puzzling, because that's what
I'd think, that'd be my firstand immediate thought, and it is
what I think they're doing toyou.

Eric (36:35):
And I like this energy you're bringing to it like the
like, the like the grand vizierwhispering poison into my ear,
because what I do do now is Idon't pick up pieces and do the
puzzle, but I participate bycircling around them and
ominously whispering into theirears.
That's very good.

Matt (36:53):
That's very good.
That's a good bit you willnever, find it.

Eric (36:57):
It has never been done.

Matt (36:59):
Oh so instead of it is a fool's errand.
Instead of contributing to thepuzzle, you just make it more
difficult for everyone involved.

Eric (37:06):
Yeah, I just entertainingly neg all of my
friends.

Matt (37:11):
Because, they're gonna.

Eric (37:12):
Matt.
They chugged out easily, likeover the course of four or five
days.

Matt (37:17):
They chugged out like six or seven goddamn puzzles they
were doing, at least almostalmost like one and a half to
two a day there's been this guyon tiktok who's been doing this
series recently of um the officeeunuch, uh, as if he's uh
varies from game of thrones andjust just a workplace eunuch.

(37:40):
I love this already.
It's so, so good.
And he was like a lot ofbreakout rooms happening this
day, my lord, none of thembreaking out with you.
What could this sidebar portend, my lord?
Isn't the Christmas party onlyfor, only for employees?

(38:02):
Oh, I see kevin's wife musthave been hired here it's, it's
all stuff like that.
It's all he's done, like threeor four, and they all hit.
They're very.
This is the energy I seek tobring to my friends who are
jigsaw yes yes yes, and I wishcorners everywhere, but not a
piece betwixt I wish there was arole for that at the iago of

(38:26):
the workplace.

Eric (38:27):
I would love oh, my god, I would thrive, eric.

Matt (38:31):
Oh how I'd thrive.
It bodes ill, my, it's funnythis calendar event says busy,
yet the settings are supposed tobe public Must be an outlook
issue, my lord.
Could it have been an email?
Oh, my lord, was this meetingwith HR at 4.30 on a Friday
scheduled or added to thecalendar?

Eric (38:53):
My lord Gandalf, the district manager, is here.
He is not welcome.

Matt (39:03):
They conspire against you, my lord.
Their synergies are not oursynergies.

Eric (39:13):
Naturally, uh, uh uh uh.
Naturally bad, naturally,things I'm naturally bad at Uh,
I had one, I had one, I had iton, I had one, but then we, we
fell into the game of of throneswe fell into a bit where I I
honestly almost want to calllindsey in here and just get the
list.

Matt (39:32):
Um, I mean putting shit away, that's like I just leave
stuff out.
I've been guilty of it myentire life.
I have terrible handwriting andalways have I tried to teach
that to my teachers.

Eric (39:44):
Oh, dude, that was it.
My handwriting has not changedsince kindergarten.
No, if anything mine's gottenworse.

Matt (39:50):
Yes, yes, I'll look at notes I made earlier that day,
like today, and be like I don'thave a fucking clue what this
says today and be like I don'thave a fucking clue what this
says.

Eric (40:07):
I had kids in.
I had bullies in middle schoolwho got pissed off at me because
my handwriting was so bad theycouldn't copy off of my test.

Matt (40:10):
Now, eric, that is subversive.
That's how you keep them away.
Now it is notable that you gotbullied about your handwriting.
That didn't happen to me.
I mean people would remark oflike, wow, it is bad but I'm
over here going.

Eric (40:24):
Yeah, I know no one's no one's surprised that's what
makes it sadder.
It wasn't even they're like oh,your handwriting's bad.

Matt (40:32):
No, they were legitimately aggravated, they were like they
were fucking telling me they'relike dude, you got to fix your
handwriting, man dude.
I'm concerned about you, asthey're wedging you I yeah, man,
you gotta get this undercontrol.
All right, it's not gonna setyou up for life, yeah all right,
big breath, now flush becauseif you want to stay away from

(40:57):
like being like I, I'm, I'mterrible at gymnastics, you know
.
Like no, I, I cannot.

Eric (41:04):
Uh, terrible at I, I cannot.
I'm very top heavy, so rollerskating and ice skating
nightmare for me I'm.

Matt (41:13):
I don't feel that I'm a good dancer in any, in any
capacity, and this is comingfrom somebody who did, and I.
He had to work for it.
But I did get two awards in myhigh school theater awards for
featured, best featured dancer.
That's nice, what shows?
One was for barnum and that wasmainly because it was all

(41:35):
juggling and circus tricks andit wasn't really dancing um, and
the other one was for, Ibelieve, the boyfriend um was it
the boyfriend.
It could have been also for alittle shop of horrors, but I
also won best supporting actoruh for that these are awards

(41:56):
that we had.
Were you, of course?
Yeah, you were shnick.
Yeah, of course I was mush neckOf course I was mush neck and I
can't sing very well.
It's one of my big regrets oflike.
I wish when I was young,instead of picking up the
trumpet, I wish I picked up thepiano and I wish I had learned

(42:16):
to sing when I was young,because I think there's a good
singing voice in here, but it'sjust not.
Yearning to be free, yearningto be free, but it is now only
free in the car and in theshower when Lindsay's not home.
Well, I do sing around thehouse, but just random jingles
that pop into my head.
Oh yeah, because I think I haveundiagnosed ADHD.

(42:38):
I agree, everyone agrees.
Yeah, everyone agrees.
Yeah, everyone agrees.

Eric (42:44):
I just haven't gotten tested yet.
Yeah, I'm also trying not tolean.
Yeah, that's something I'm alsonot bringing Like there are so
many easy ones.
I can say for my executivedysfunction, shit.
No, naturally like things, I'mnaturally bad at that.
I come by honestly.

Matt (43:01):
That I come by, honestly, that I could be, and that's what
I think I'm saying.
Like I feel like I could be agood singer if I went and got
voice lessons Because, like myhigh school music teacher, he
worked around the clock for meto get ready for the vocally
taxing performance of mush nick,who mostly speaks things.

(43:22):
But hey, uh, when people whowho knew me in previous years
because we did little shopsenior year, when they came back
to see the show and they sawthat I was singing, I got I got
lots of compliments but peoplewho were genuinely shocked that
I was able to pull it off, andone of them was me.
So I hold and like I've sunghere and there in shows when

(43:49):
it's been called upon.
But when a casting director ordirector asks me, can you sing,
I say I have sung.
I don't know that you want meto.
I wouldn't volunteer to do itanyone can sing my lord.
If only you can hear the musicI'm naturally bad at.

Eric (44:10):
I have.
I have a terrible sense ofdirection.
I alissa has an insane sense ofwhen we are like this is the
running bit, but it's not a bitof like when we're out places
and we have to like I'm like,I'm like, which way do we need?
She is our ranger, like sheknows, she just fucking knows.

Matt (44:30):
Yeah, you're just like a lost puppy in some ways Like a
little lost puppy Just waggingmy tail, looking sad at
everybody.
You know, you sad at everybody.
No, you're looking happy in ahelpless way.
Hapless, one might say.
One might say hapless, but wewon't, but we won't.

Eric (44:47):
Naturally bad at.
I have a decent singing voice,but you do.

Matt (44:53):
And this is Thank you.
I mean, you've been cast inmultiple musicals.
I've been cast only in chorusroles in high school and one
actual singing part, and that'sit.
The last time I auditioned formusical theater.
It was, first of all.
I remain pissed about this.
It was a surprise, in themiddle of everybody, public

(45:14):
audition, the worst possibleaudition setting possible,
everything, everything.
I kind of prepped.
I auditioned for a productionof Sweeney Todd because I
desperately was like in the backof my head keeping a dream
alive that I could be in SweeneyTodd and I just horrifically
embarrassed myself in front ofeverybody and I couldn't get out

(45:37):
of there fast enough and I waslike never again.

Eric (45:40):
Never again, oh my God.
No, that's savage, what theydid to you.

Matt (45:43):
I was like never again.
And I remember I'm not going toname names, but I remember the
person we both know, this persontoo, the director, looking at
me with these like, honestly,bully eyes, bully eyes of like,
the eyes that say say like oh,it's so sad, but like, look at
him, try.

(46:03):
And I was like I wish I couldjust stop at 16 bars for in.
I was like Nope, kill me, thiswas a mistake.

Eric (46:10):
Yeah, strike me down.
I'm six feet from the air.

Matt (46:17):
And I shouldn't have used that as my audition song and I
shouldn't have used that as myaudition song oh my god, could
you?

Eric (46:24):
there are so many things that I, I, I, I I'm sure you do
the same daydreams about thingsyou wish you had the courage to
take into an audition.

Matt (46:33):
Just yes, just to, just to fucking like eric, it's so
funny and we, you know we couldtransition right into because we
have a question that's kind oflike oh yeah, uh, but the?
I was just talking earliertoday about this with lindsey.
I was listening to an old smartlist with henry winkler who was
talking about his audition forhappy days and he, you know how

(46:55):
he really speaks and you knowhe's just the nicest man.
He's got the reputation thenicest man in holly and you know
he's just the nicest man, he'sgot the reputation.
Oh he's so nice, the nicest manin Hollywood.
People call him and he's justgrateful and you know he's doing
.
He's doing everything that he'stalking about.
He's everyone's funkle,everyone.
You're everything you'reexpecting him to do and he's
like you know.
I just don't know where it camefrom, cause I had prepped and I

(47:16):
got to the studio and I wassitting out there and I just
thought I think I'm going to dothis voice like hey, what's
going on?
Yeah, I'm just going to walk inlike this, and he goes.
I walked in there and I readthe script and I was like who am
I reading with?
Who wants to talk to the Fonz?
And there's this guy, pasquale,and I read with Pasquale and

(47:38):
when I was done I threw myscript in the air and walked out
without saying goodbye.
And two weeks later they castme and I was like I wish I had
the balls.

Eric (47:47):
Shit filed under shit we can't get away with anymore.

Matt (47:50):
I was like I wish I had the balls.
Well, this puts me in mind ofanother audition tale, but we'd
be going down some tangents.
John Ratzenberger uh, you know,you're familiar.
Uh, I know that name.
Who?

Eric (48:03):
is that he?

Matt (48:05):
he plays uh norm in no, no , no not norm, not norm, not
norm.
He plays cliff, cliff.
He plays cliff in cheers and heauditioned for norm and and I
heard this story from uh jimburrows, who, uh, the famous
sitcom director and creator ofCheers, frasier, friends, etc.
And he was saying he came inhere and he auditioned for Norm

(48:29):
and he was terrible, he wasabsolutely awful and he knew he
was awful and he was turningaround and leaving and he
stopped in his tracks and heturned around and said you guys
have a blowhard in the bar andthey're like you guys handing
out any blowhards?
and he was like um no, what doyou mean?

(48:50):
He was like yeah, you know,just like a, you know an asshole
who's like full of himself andthinks he knows everything, come
standard with every bar.
And he they're like I get, Iguess not.
You want to improv a littlesomething?
So he improvised a littlesomething, and what he improv'd
was Cliff, that's fucking dope.
Yeah, see that's the dream.
That's the dream, that's thedream, but I never have the

(49:11):
balls to do anything like it.

Eric (49:13):
I think I've brought this up before.
I want to audition with the DrBronner's label as my monologue.
I've always wanted to go intoan audition and I have done this
for bros, for the baltimorerock opera society, because
that's one of the reasons I Iloved working with them so much
is because they were not atheater company, of theater

(49:33):
people.
They were a theater company ofof punks, of bands and shit.
So I went in there and I did uhthe the the good day, sir
monologue.
Uh, willie wonka just startedyelling at the at the goddamn
auditioners like they werecharlie bucket, which I think is
a good transition to yes, to tothe next, like we we've chewed

(49:54):
over uh things we're naturallybad at.
That brings us to a bucket listcharacters to play on stage.

Matt (50:01):
Bucket list characters to play on stage.
I mean one that won't.
I mean I have, and this hasbeen asked in the discord too,
because there's a number ofactors in the discord, and so
this had been bandied about.
But this is good.
This is good for us to talkabout a little bit Good use of
bandied.
Thank you, but this is good forus to talk about a little bit
Good use of bandied.
Thank you, we need to bringthat back and I'm trying.

Eric (50:23):
God knows, I'm fighting the good fight.

Matt (50:25):
Here I am making talking points out of it Like Sweeney
Todd was one, but I know I'mnever playing Sweeney Todd.
Never say never, matt.
I mean I think we can, but okay, I would like.
Just there are some heavyhitters for me.
Yeah, I want to play all fouradult roles in Waiting for Godot

(50:46):
.
Ah yes, and you would smashevery single one of them that is
my number one bucket list itemis to play all four at some
point, or at the very least one.
Hamlet, although I'm veryquickly aging out of hamlet, but
uh.
But hamlet would be a dreamrole.
Iago would be a dream role.

(51:08):
Yes, I one day, not the musicalversion, which is the more
produced version, but the playthe old man.
Oh, you would crush it One day,when I'm old enough, I hope, to
play.
Then there are the classics,like I want to play Biff in

(51:28):
Death of a Salesman, and youknow all the roles you're taught
to want to play as a youngactor.
I want to play.
I desperately want to be inNoises Off.
I'll take any part, I think.
When I'm old enough I'll be thedirector for sure.
But I don't think I'm gettingcast as Gary.
But I'd love to be Gary.

(51:49):
I've been called back for Gary.

Eric (51:52):
I could see you as the.
I can't remember the name ofhis character, but Alec
Baldwin's character in Glen Gary, glen Rossoss I also can't
remember his that character'sname at this moment, but you
would knock that, yeah thecoffee.

Matt (52:04):
Or foreclose foreclosers monologue would be a good
monologue for me, it's trueroles I desperately want to play
.

Eric (52:11):
Yeah, list them off.
I'm gonna rattle off someshakespeare ones.
Um, nick, yeah, get those outof the way.
Nick bottom, oh, summer nightstream.

Matt (52:18):
Oh, you'd be so good dream you'd be so good as nick bottom
uh, fucking uh.

Eric (52:24):
When I'm an old man, fall staff in any of the, the henrys,
you'd be a great, leer, I'mgonna say that.

Matt (52:30):
I'm gonna say that right now you would make a.

Eric (52:33):
I think you'd make a baller, richard, the third thank
you, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'd likeI know you make a killer
fucking macbeth.

Matt (52:40):
I've seen your macbeth and it's thank you, I would when
I'm of the appropriate age,which I arguably am now, but
wasn't in college.
I would, I would like anothercrack at the scottish king.
I, I, I felt good about mycollegiate performance yes yeah,
and obviously I feel good aboutyou, know yours as mcduff,

(53:01):
thank you, but the I would.
I would love another crack atit as an adult who understands a
little bit more about ambitiongone right uh, uh, let's see.

Eric (53:16):
Um, I, I mentioned this in the discord when the question
was brought up and I do meanthis sincerely, I, I, because
we're talking bucket list,bucket, which for me is just to
the left of dream, like it thatit's like it's like a square
rectangle thing where, like youknow, just because it's on my
bucket list doesn'tautomatically mean it's like

(53:37):
it's.

Matt (53:38):
It's like the Sweeney Todd thing with me.
Yeah, Sweeney Todd is a dreamrole for me because it's
probably never going to cometrue.
But some of my bucket list,every bucket list role is also a
dream role for me.
But I can't put Sweeney Todd onthe bucket list because I can't
.
I don't think I can activelycross it off.

Eric (53:56):
Well, where I'm coming at this from is one of my, one of
my bucket list roles is I dolegitimately just want to play a
guard, you know what I mean.

Matt (54:07):
I know you've said this many times, yeah guard one.

Eric (54:09):
guard two I want to see how much, how much acting I can
do without being too like.
I was like how much it's just afun meditative exercise, like
how much character can I expresswithout taking attention away
from the action but still likefucking flexing I?

Matt (54:28):
I would love to play a name it's too bad you're not of
indian descent, because guardsat the taj would be a great show
for you to play oh, I'm notfamiliar with that show.
Oh, it's a very good play.
It's about two guards at theTaj Mahal.
It's a two-hander.
Any role in 12 Angry Men?
Oh, 12 Angry Men?
Yeah, sure, bucket list Mostlyproduced these days as 12 Angry

(54:50):
Jurors.
Yes, nevertheless.
Yeah, you'd be great as theHenry Fonda role in right, it's
Henry Fonda in the movie.
Yeah, um, the henry fonda rolein.
Uh right, it's henry fonda inthe movie I think so.
Yes, I'm gonna double check, butI'm pretty sure it is uh.
But the you'd be great, as uhhenry fonda, which which one was
henry fonda was.

Eric (55:08):
Is that the?

Matt (55:09):
he's the, the main, the holdout, yeah, yeah, the holdout
.
Let me see he's juror numbereight.
I thought it was eight but Ididn't want to pretend like I
knew that.

Eric (55:19):
But I did as it turned out , I think you would absolutely
destroy, as in, if we're talkingabout 12 angry jurors, the
angry dude, the one that'spissed off the whole time.

Matt (55:32):
Yes, that's Ed Begley.
He's the juror number 10.
Ed Begley, of course, is thefather of the more famous these
days, Ed Begley, who's been ineverything and if you look him
up you'll know who he is, but Ican only describe him as he's in
everything.
He's in Better Call Saul, SixFeet Under, like every show ever

(55:56):
made.

Eric (55:59):
Then there's like's, there's stage roles, and then
there's the category which isjust like, like big, lofty, like
man that would be cool, likethis includes film, or like
things that have never, thatdon't exist as stage shows, but
like I I I know I've mentionedthis before, probably on the
show.
Uh, at the beginning of Batman1989, batman stops the muggers

(56:23):
at the beginning and then, afterhe whoops their ass, one of
them is being dragged, cartedaway into an ambulance in a
straight jacket by paramedicsand he's screaming.
I'm telling you, man, it was agiant bat.
I want to be that guy sofucking bad.
I want to be the one who cracks.
This might be a deep cut foranyone.

(56:47):
I don't.
I'm mad.
I don't take it, take it, takeher deep.
I'm gonna take it a deep cut.
If there ever stay I knowthere's movie adaptation,
adaptations of the Discworldnovels.
If they ever do one about theNightwatch from the Discworld
novels, I want to play CaptainCarrot from the Discworld novels

(57:07):
.
It's very specific it's veryspecific, but if you've read
Discworld I say this with no egoI would knock that out of the
fucking park.
I have no doubt, if you feelthat strongly about it, that it
is true and you, I need you toread the disc world novels,
because you would be perfection,as uh, commander samuel vines,

(57:29):
they're on my list they are onmy list.

Matt (57:32):
I, in terms of dream roles , um, I suppose I've already
kind of accomplished this, um,in the production of the stage
production of the ShawshankRedemption, I was in last year.
But I would love to be in aStephen King adaptation, a movie
.
Specifically, you need to playAndy Dufresne.
I mean, well, I would love toplay Andy Dufresne, but I think

(57:54):
that ship probably sailed lastyear but the I got to be his
understudy, didn't get to go onbut got to be his understudy,
didn't get to go on but got tobe his understudy.
Uh, but uh, I would love toplay andy dufresne, of course,
but really it would be.
It would mean a lot to me to bein any, any stephen king film
of any kind in any role.
Oh my god, yeah uh, even if itwas just like uh, here's your

(58:17):
meal, sir, and you know that,know, that's it, I could at
least be like I was in a StephenKing movie, and that would be
big.

Eric (58:26):
For me personally.
That'd be a dream role, One Iknow I'm never going to get but
would love to.
In any adaptation of One FlewOver the Cuckoo's Nest.
I would love to play McMurphy.

Matt (58:33):
Me too.
Mcmurphy is a bucket list forme.

Eric (58:35):
I can never because I cannot be taller than the dude
playing chief.
I can never, because I cannotbe taller than the dude playing
chief?

Matt (58:40):
No, I don't, eric.
Can I tell you there's been acouple of things that over the
years I've bandied about for thetwo of us as a dream.
Yeah, I don't think they shouldever remake Home Alone, but if
they did, brother, I want us toplay Harry and Marv Brother.
And also one Halloween party.
We should go as Harry and Marv.

Eric (58:59):
Oh, my God, it's so I, I ha yes.
Yeah, um, the next time I haveto shave for something, that's
what we'll do, what we do whatwe do is we go as Harry and Marv
, but in this this will requirea little coordination.
We show up as default Harry andMarv and then we excuse

(59:20):
ourselves a couple of times thismorning.

Matt (59:21):
We come back with with injury, like we get the iron on
your face, uh, because it's agiven who's who.
Oh, yes, the um, yeah, like Icome with the hat, but at some
point the top of it gets isburned off, matt, I think we can
pull that off I think we can.
It'd be fun we should do thatlike we.

Eric (59:38):
We should do that for we.
Let's find a halloween partythis year and see what we can
see.

Matt (59:45):
But I I think there's, but there's, there's been, there's
been a bunch over over time thatI feel like like duo roles, the
two of us I I think could,could really have some fun with,
and I think one of to berealistic here for a second is I
would love to do of mice andmen with you.

Eric (01:00:06):
Oh, man, with me as Lenny yeah.

Matt (01:00:09):
Yeah, I'm Lenny, you be quiet yeah.

Eric (01:00:15):
Eric, we'd kill it.
Tell me about the rabbits,George Eric, I will tell you.

Matt (01:00:19):
Tell me about the rabbits, eric.

Eric (01:00:19):
I will tell you, eric.
I will tell you.
Tell me about the rabbits, eric.
There was not a dry eye in thehouse.

Matt (01:00:24):
I mean this sincerely.
If I ever had to tell you aboutthe rabbits on stage or in life
, there wouldn't be a dry eye inthe house.
No, starting with mine.
Oh, buddy.

Eric (01:00:36):
I know we would Matt.
We would Just oh buddy, I knowwe would Matt.
We would Just stare ahead andlook at the rabbit's butt.
Oh my God, yeah, no, we wouldabsolutely kill it.

Matt (01:00:50):
Oh man, one big role for me that I realized I didn't
forget is another Beckett roleis Crap in Crap Slash Tape.
I would actually even though inmy head I've crafted a version
that I think could really workfor a young person um in in like
a, even a podcast medium, butI've always imagined it as like
a vlog because it, you know,video.

(01:01:12):
But um, you know this is superniche now, but the um, this
conversation, but as a like alast role man, that'd be so,
that'd be so good.
If I was like 89 and I got castas Crap in Crap's Last Tape,
that might be the time that I'mlike you know what.
I think I might be retired now.

(01:01:33):
I think maybe I want to end onthat.
That would be the final curtaincall, that could be for me, but
yeah, so there's some dreamroles.
I mean we, we should, we shouldwe move on to some?

Eric (01:01:49):
others.
I think, I think we chewed thatscenery pretty well.

Matt (01:01:53):
Here's another one that's kind of in the same vein.
By the way, the bucket listcharacters question came from
our friends at effin, culturedum and uh, from who knows how
long ago, because I have itsubmitted as from twitter, which
we haven't been active on oh,and many months at this point,
in many certain events made usdepart from that platform um, uh

(01:02:16):
.
But alex kafirakis on instagramat one point told us you get
one prop who played Lenny inproduction of I didn't know that
of Mice and Men it was.
It was a real funky version.
It was all house music.
So you get one prop from amovie to showcase at your house.

(01:02:44):
What is it, oh God?
What I take this to mean, Eric,is like something you would
like Mount on the wall.

Eric (01:02:54):
It's the centerpiece of a room.

Matt (01:02:56):
It's a centerpiece of the room where you put in like a
glass showcase, because likeI've got like stuff, like I've
got recreations of stuff, butlike I don't have any like movie
prop, you know, yeah, yeah,yeah, yeah.
The first one that jumps tomind for me is I that I would
this is this is one that I wouldget a display case for the

(01:03:19):
hoverboard from back to thefuture.

Eric (01:03:21):
Oh one easy, if I, if I got the hoverboard it would be.

Matt (01:03:26):
It would be encased in glass, yeah, with an alarm
system around it.
Really anything from back tothe future, but that like sticks
out to me, you know, is like amain prop.

Eric (01:03:37):
Batman's gadgets, specifically in the 1989, the
Keaton gadgets just had such agood look to them.
It was like that black and likebrass.
Look to it.
It was very cool.
His Batarangs fucking ripped.

Matt (01:03:54):
What would be your thought if all you could get you're at
the Batman auction.

Eric (01:03:58):
Yeah.

Matt (01:03:58):
I'm at and you're getting these props.

Eric (01:04:00):
The Wayne Estate sale.

Matt (01:04:02):
The Wayne Estate sale and the Batarang goes by and you
know the utility belt MichaelKeaton used goes by.
It's such a good utility belt.
You know all these differentthings goes by but still
available in your price rangefor an opening bid the bat
master card from batman oh, oh,one instantly, I would the

(01:04:25):
greatest yeah, the greatestbatman accessory of all, of all
time.

Eric (01:04:29):
I would too.

Matt (01:04:31):
I, I, I, as I've gotten older, I've and as I've never,
leave home without it neverleave or never leave the cave
without it.
Isn't that what?

Eric (01:04:37):
he says, yeah, never leave the cave without it.
Isn't that what he says?
Never leave the cave without it?
As I've gotten older, it usedto be in vogue to shit on the
Batman and Robin and BatmanForever those movies, fucking
rule.

Matt (01:04:49):
Oh wait a minute.
Who shits on Batman Forever?
Dumb people.

Eric (01:04:54):
I won't stand for it.
It used to be in.
Real People used to talk somuch.

Matt (01:05:05):
But Batman and Robin for it.

Eric (01:05:05):
It used to be in real.
People used to talk so much.
But batman and robin everybodyshits.
Everybody shits on batman,including george clooney, and
they shouldn't.
It is a.
It is.
I think it's so wacky and fun.
It is wacky fun it.
Adam west had to walk so thatbatman and robin could run the
the.

Matt (01:05:12):
The issue people have with batman and robin, and probably
batman forever, is because theSchumacher films are considered
to be a continuation of the TimBurton films and I, and I think
canonically they are.
I think it is a four, fourmovie series.
However, I don't think theyshould be because, whereas Tim

(01:05:36):
Burton's were these trailblazing, you know, first ever dark
portrayal of Batman, gritty,gritty portrayal of Batman, and
then you get to the Schumacherfilms, which I feel are more
reminiscent of, like the AdamWest.

Eric (01:05:54):
Batman the Bang Zoom Batman.
Yes, the Biff Boff the giant.
Bang zoom Batman.
Yes, the biff boff, the giant.
The architecture of Gotham withthe fucking like 20 story tall
buff dudes holding like that isso fucking.

Matt (01:06:06):
Buff dudes holding just this very large practical,
painted like set pieces.

Eric (01:06:13):
Oh my God, neon spotlights everywhere.

Matt (01:06:15):
What killed the dinosaurs?
The Ice Age Chill.
Hey, everyone Chill, oh my God,everywhere.
What killed the dinosaurs?

Eric (01:06:26):
the ice age chill, hey, everyone chill, oh my god he,
you could just do mr freeze'slines forever, and ever and ever
.

Matt (01:06:29):
they're, they're, they're, they're solid gold and I hope
the rumors that the the I have Istill haven't seen the patents
in batman, which I hear is verygood, it's very good, but the
rumors I hear is that one of thevillains in the Batman part two
is going to be Mr Freeze.

Eric (01:06:43):
Oh.

Matt (01:06:43):
God, what a hope, and I'm sure it'll be delightful to see
a serious take on Mr Freeze, butyou're never really going to
take away from ArnoldSchwarzenegger's.

Eric (01:06:53):
Mr Freeze.
No, he's the beginning and theend of it is Mr Freeze, let's
kick some ice.
Beginning and the end of it isis mr, let's kick some ice, you
simply I mean it's so good andand sorry, john glover, I was
just gonna say mad scientist atthe beginning.
At the beginning, to saynothing is so.
They gave that man five minutesof screen time and he took

(01:07:16):
every fucking second and youremember him everyone.

Matt (01:07:19):
Yes, everyone remembers John.
When I say, oh, john Glover wasTowson's first theater acting
major, and people say who's JohnGlover?
And I go you seen Batman andRobin?
Yeah, they know who he'stalking about.
Dr Isley, yeah, yeah.
Or Smallville Smallvilleusually gets it done, yes.

Eric (01:07:39):
Let the poisons and toxins burn a grave for you, god,
fucking poetry.

Matt (01:07:45):
Yeah, he's great, he is great, tony winner, tony winner.

Eric (01:07:51):
Tony winner yeah, so I would absolutely take the Batman
credit card.
The Batman, yeah, you got to.
The Bat visa, you got to.

Matt (01:07:59):
Got to.

Eric (01:08:03):
I mean, really I like memorabilia, I am a sucker for
sci-fi weapons like the pistollike the, the pistol from blade
runner, classic of course, andthat's what I mean.

Matt (01:08:13):
Like if I had the opportunity to get.
I'm a memorabilia guy, I likestuff.
So if I had the opportunity youI've said this before I collect
collections.
So if I had the opportunity toget a real prop from something
that I authentically like, love,I'm probably going to jump on

(01:08:34):
it.
You know, like, of course, theheavy hitters for me would be
like you know, back to theFuture.
But like any of the many, manyshows that I love, I'd be all
about I would Uma Thurman'sSword from Kill Bill.

Eric (01:08:49):
Sure, big one up there, but that's one.
Honestly, I might not get thatone.
That's one because I could goto any flea market and find one
close enough, but see.

Matt (01:08:58):
Eric, that's not.
That'd be the same type ofsword, but that wouldn't be the
prop.
It wouldn't be the the prop.
We're talking about the prop,the prop.

Eric (01:09:07):
Oh, can't fit an entire DeLorean in my house.
But from Back to the Future,the flux capacitor.

Matt (01:09:12):
Yeah, would mount that on my wall.

Eric (01:09:13):
Of course there's many many used in the production.
I'm trying to think of like, oflike.

Matt (01:09:27):
Let me, let me see if I can do some deep cuts here.
Oh uh, talking about obscureback to the future docs sniper
rifle from back to the future 3with the actual telescope for
the that ain't obscure to me, myfriend.
Oh yeah, that's, that's.
Oh, I'd be all the fuck overthat.
Oh, or if somehow hisrefrigerator uh, the ice machine
in the refrigerator.
That would be great I meananything, any, any part of the

(01:09:50):
model.
That's not to scale um the uhfrom back to the future.
One well oh yeah it's in allthree the the model bit.
But you know, the originalmodel would be fun.
But to go real, you wanted togo deep.
One movie when I was a littleboy that I was obsessed with and

(01:10:12):
I don't think anyone in theworld remembers this movie.
I really don't.
I really really don't.
I really don't, I really reallydon't.

(01:10:43):
But when I was a kid and Iwould be going to the library
with my mom, I would get thismovie from the VHSs that you
could rent from the library Noteven a blockbuster, but from the
library and I would get thismovie over and over again and
it's called Condor man, Condorman, Condor man, and it stars
Michael Crawford, it is believeit or not a.
Disney movie.
What is this?
It is a movie I haven't seensince I was like seven, but I
would get it week after weekafter week and watch it over and

(01:11:04):
, over, and, over and over again.
And if I could get Condor Man'swings, I oh these wings are
baller.
Dude.
He like jumps off the fuckingEiffel Tower at one point and
the theme song is literally likecondor man is like playing.
It's playing in the backgroundand it's musical theater legend

(01:11:25):
michael crawford, uh in thetitle oh, hell yeah condor man.
Oh it's so good.
I just looked it.
1981 superhero comedy film manI should watch.

Eric (01:11:39):
Condor man John Hammond's Walking Stick.

Matt (01:11:44):
Oh yeah, With the amber Good luck.
Good luck getting that.
That's going to be millions,that one, yeah, yeah, I think
we've tilled this soil as well.

Eric (01:11:57):
I think we got through some good personal questions.

Matt (01:11:58):
I think we did get through some good personal questions.
I think we did get some throughsome good personal questions.
And would you look at the time,eric?
I think that'll about do it.
That'll about do it For thisepisode of you didn't ask for
this Not very spooky, but youknow, I think it was personal, I
think it was deep, I think itwas oat adjacent.
I'll say that.

Eric (01:12:19):
Ooh.
Now, Matt, when you say oat,are you referring to the monthly
bonus content that people getas part of our Patreon?
I am.

Matt (01:12:29):
Yes, it would be the $4 level of the Patreon, of course,
but there is a $1 level.
If you just want to be part ofour awesome Discord community,
just chat about stuff happeningin the world, chat about the
show, hop into the orgy dome.
That's a new benefit.
A new benefit yes, patreon, theorgy dome is a benefit one

(01:12:51):
dollar a month gets you a ticketto the digital orgy dome and
I'll tell you that one ain'ttipping over.
And let me tell you whathappens in that.

Eric (01:12:59):
Can't tell you, can't tell you Can't talk about it.

Matt (01:13:01):
That's why it's behind the paywall, can't talk about it.
Nope, it's secret.
So, patreoncom slash, youdidn't ask for this, but beyond
that, we do need your questions,so you can submit them to us at
.
You didn't ask pod, instagram,twitter, facebook, except not
twitter, not twitter.
I made that very clear earliernot x, not twitter blue sky.

(01:13:26):
We're technically on threads too, but thread sucks and I can't
believe people still use it.
So we're it's the google sheetsit is.
It's terrible and, like I know,blue sky skies like slowly
catching on with.
It has really caught on withcertain communities.
The Wrexham community movedover there right quick.

(01:13:46):
But anyway, blue skies betteruse blue sky the.
The situation is as followsSend those questions to us or
you can call the fault line andleave us a message at
410-929-5329.
I think that'll about do thebusiness Eric I think that'll

(01:14:07):
about do it so for all of ushere at.
You Didn't Ask For this.
My name's Matt J, my name'sEric Poach and listen, you
didn't ask.

Eric (01:14:15):
But another thing I'm naturally bad at is remembering
that this stinger exists Wow.

Matt (01:14:19):
Very good, Eric.
Very good there.
It is Very good.
The audience won't even knowwe've been here five minutes
waiting for you to think ofsomething.

Eric (01:14:29):
Unironically, have been sitting here five minutes.
God damn, thank you.