126 | Mythical Mischief

For 126 we've cut our closing segment in favor of clearing out some of our question backlog! On the docket for this ep are: 

• We all "use our noodle"...but what kind of noodle is it?
• When you hear someone mention the “Muffin Man,” do you picture a human offering muffins… or do you picture a muffin with the face of a man?
• Do Mermaids have buttholes and how do they poop?
• What’s the ideal rapture?

That's right: FOUR of life's least-pressing questions for you to enjoy. 

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Episode Transcript

Eric (00:00):
What I need you to understand, Matthew, is that I
am not gonna name any names.
Okay.
Good.
Ever this is You already namedmine, but all right.
I'm not gonna name any names ofimportance.
Okay.
I was buying a car.
Yes.
I'd been at the dealership forfive hours.
Of course.
I was it was That's how itgoes.

(00:21):
Yeah.
Insert my tight five aboutbuying a car here.
Yeah, yeah.
Um, but Oh, that's not whatthis is.
No, no.
Oh, okay.
I just I just want to set thestage.
Good.
I've been I've and mind you, Iwalked into this dealership.
I wasn't planning on leavingwith a car that day, but due to
several stars aligning, I wasable to.

(00:41):
But what that means is Isuddenly had to have a lot of
documentation on me that Ididn't have.
So I'm like, I am on the phonewith like three or four
different people trying to getthem to send me documents like
digitally so I can prove thatI'm, you know, not a serial
killer posing as Eric Pooch.
So, so get through all of that.
I'm like, I'm like, I'm soready to go home.

(01:03):
I'm I'm now that we're now atthe part where like the
paperwork has been drawn up,signatures have been done, like
like we literally just have tolock down like the exact
financing.
I am in the act of transferringmy belongings from my Jeep to
my new car.
Okay.
Uh with a trash bag.
Uh because again, I would haveI'd expect nothing less.

(01:25):
Yeah, would have would haveloved to have had it cleaned
out, but when I traded it in,but here we are.
Um, you want my money?
You can throw away some garbagein my Jeep.
Because I only uh to be clear,I I talked to the salesman, the
kid who was like helping me.
I was like, dude, like be realwith me.
Do I have to like scoop out?
He's like, oh dude, God, no.

(01:45):
He's like, when I traded my carand I just like left all kinds
of trash in there.

Matt (01:49):
Like it's and listener, let me tell you, there's all
kinds of trash in Eric Poach'sJeep.

Eric (01:55):
Oh man, that shit is ground in.
Um, so I was like, dope.
So I'm I'm just taking all thestuff that I want to keep out of
the Jeep, putting it in these,these like contractor bags and
putting that in the back of mynew car.

Matt (02:08):
Much like an episode of Hoarders continue.

Eric (02:10):
Yes, yes.
As I am in the middle of thistrash transference, yes, I get a
phone call.
This is where this is wherenames stop stop coming into
play.
It is from someone close to me.
I get this phone call andthey're like, dude, you will not
fucking believe what what iswhat is happening like right

(02:34):
now.
It's like what like what?
And they tell me that like oneof their best friends is is at
the is at the casino.
Uh is like at a casino.
I but you're watching my braingoing like I'm not giving any
any revealing.
I'm watching you filter in realtime.
Yes.
They're at a casino.
There's a casino this personfrequents regularly.

(02:55):
And and mind you, the personwho called me isn't with them.
They're they're like, they uhthey were they're like at their
house and they're they'rethey're they're one of their
best friends is at the casino.
Call them something else, justuh reassign those names.
Yeah, Tom and Jerry.
So Tom tells me that Jerry hadcalled him earlier that day.
He was at the casino and placeda bet that he's placed a bunch

(03:18):
of it's like this weird side potlike things that you can place
when you're when you're whenyou're betting at the tables,
like on those like weird little,like, oh bet this weird thing
will happen.
Um hits it.
Nice.
Wins almost $200,000.
That is on the spot.
Fucking solid hits this fuckingjackpot.

(03:38):
Nice.
So 10 minutes after the win,Jerry calls Tom to tell him,
I've I've fucking I and he'slike telling him the story, and
he's like, all that, and he'slike, dude, he was like, I he's
like, Man, I swear to god, likeI hit it.
He was like, I thought I wasgonna have a heart attack, and
then proceeds to have a heartattack on the phone with Tom.
Tom it it it says those words,the line goes silent, and and

(04:05):
and Tom's like, hello, hello,because like the dude like first
he's like oh, thought he justsat his phone down for a second.
Then someone that that tomdoesn't recognize picks up the
phone.
He's like, Hello, hello, likewho who who is this?
And Tom's like, uh yeah, hi,this is this is Tom such and
such.
Like, what who who are you?
And like, do you know the ownerof this phone?

(04:25):
He's like, Yeah, that's why I'mtalking with him on the phone.
He was like, Yeah, he's passedout, he's not breathing.
Like, fucking like well, getoff the phone and do something.
Yeah, they're there, you hearpeople in the background are
like, get back, get back,fucking.
So they like rush through thehospital.
I'm happy to say, dude's okay.
Okay, good, dude is fine, butlegitimately had a cardiac event

(04:48):
as as they were telling thisperson, like, yeah, I thought I
had a heart attack.
Bump.
Okay, it's insane.
There's no and and I know thisper like the per and the person
who had like the heart, I'mlike, I know them very well.
I've known them like a longtime.
Like, it's it's it's true.
But Matt, here's the fuckingkicker.

(05:08):
Okay.
I was hoping a punchline wouldshow up.
First words upon beingresuscitated.
I hit the jackpot.

Matt (05:22):
And that's optimism for you.
Hell yeah.
Well, hello everybody, andwelcome to You Didn't Ask for
This.
It is the podcast that answerslife's least pressing questions.

(05:43):
I have not hit the jackpot, andmy name is Matt Shea.

Eric (05:47):
I have also, nope, just fucking goose eggs across the
roulette wheel.
Although Eric Poach.

Matt (05:55):
Although I did once, I think the most I've ever won in
a casino was uh like $250 on aslot machine.
Um wasn't slots, it wasblackjack in my case.
I was a I see, I I I likeplaying uh these days.
I've played the like virtualblackjack on like DraftKings in

(06:17):
Pennsylvania, where it's part ofthe app, it's not on the
Maryland app.

Eric (06:21):
Uh but where you see ads for fucking that that app
everywhere.
Every time I drive to PA, Istart seeing billboards for it.

Matt (06:28):
Well, DraftKings is in Maryland, it's just not the
casino part.
Um but anyway, you so where youcan bet like a dollar or so on
a hand as opposed to in anactual casino where like there's
usually minimum hand buy-ins.
25, 50 bucks.
And I just don't want to blowmy money that quick.
I'd rather blow my moneypennies at a time on a slot

(06:49):
machine.

Eric (06:50):
Yeah, like the pauper that you are, like the pauper that I
am.

Matt (06:53):
That's exactly right.
This ain't GTA 5 where I canjust go in with my millions.

Eric (06:58):
See, that's that's the thing.
Like my vibe, like big flashycasinos uh stress me out.
Um I like them.
I like them.

Matt (07:07):
It's enjoyable, but it's overwhelming.
You gotta set my Lindsay andI's usual routine is we go in
with like a limit.
Like we're like, okay, here's$200, $100 for you, 100 for me.
When we're out, we're out.
You know, like yeah.
And if we gain money, great.
And if we don't lose all of it,great.
But we we go in with theexpectation of like it costs

(07:28):
$200 to go to this casino today.
Yep.
You know, that's that's likewhat it is.

Eric (07:33):
And my thing is like, like, yeah, $200's my budget.
And then once I like, or like$100 or $500, however much
money.
However, you're gonna do it,yeah.
Is and once I've run out ofthat, I'm done.

Matt (07:44):
Yeah, I even I've done it in smaller cases too.
Like once people, like we werejust at the we were near, we
were at the the uh uh a RundleMills mall where there is a
casino in Maryland here.
And so we were at the mall withsome friends for other
purposes, and people wanted togo to the casino.
So it was like unplanned.
So I was like, okay, I'll do 50bucks.

(08:07):
You know, like let's not gocrazy.
And I promptly lost it veryquick, and I was like, great.
All right, I'm done.
I'm done.
But anyway, I say all thatbecause I just to say then I
then had to sneak out of the Ihad to get my winnings because
there were people present that Iwas like, I cannot let them

(08:28):
know that I just won $250because I will be paying for
dinner.
Uh and there it goes.
So I had to like sneak to thecounter.

Eric (08:37):
You could feel someone forming the well, I guess you're
yeah, yeah, yeah.

Matt (08:42):
I could feel the joke, and I was like, cash out, cash out,
please.
Cash out, cash out, get outnow.

Eric (08:47):
Yeah, see, like my my speed for a casino, like my
ideal gambling experience is isnot like the big flashy casino.
My ideal gambling experience,I'm led into like a sort of
basement, and there it's likesmoke hanging in the air.
There's one light over a smalltable that has a knife in it,
and that but there's a guy in atux.

(09:09):
He's like, ah, Eric, have youbeen to this casino that you're
describing?
Mr.
Poach, what is your pleasure?
And then, like, I really he'sgot like uh one fake hand that's
been clearly chopped off atsome point.
Eric, you're describing anillegal casino.

Matt (09:24):
Yeah, that's my speed dog.
Uh okay, but have you been toone or are you just living a
fantasy right now?

Eric (09:30):
Matt, we don't Matt.

Matt (09:32):
That's a yes.
Gentlemen never asked.
Well, I ain't one.
So I asked, and I think I gotmy answer.

Eric (09:39):
New cars and cat food don't pay for themselves,
Matthew.
Tell me, what is your pleasure?
I wish I could.
Your hand get chopped the fuckoff.

Matt (09:50):
Jesus Christ.
You got to.
That's just if you want toplay.
That's just the buy-in.
One hand.

Eric (09:56):
That's just the buy-in.

Matt (09:57):
One hand for that hand collector.

Eric (10:00):
The hand man.

Matt (10:02):
Hand man.
He's in league with JGToesworth.
Deep cut.
It's Handy Kaufman.

Eric (10:12):
Uh oh, that's very thank you.
Folks, folks, come on.

Matt (10:17):
Yes, thank you.
Put it in.
I don't have the soundboard up.
We haven't used it in a while,and I didn't think to bring it
up.
Uh anyway.
Um, now Eric, we uh decided toget through some questions today
because we got quite thebuild-up these days in the
queue, which we love.

Eric (10:34):
Lots of fingers and pies, pokers in the fire.

Matt (10:37):
But so we're we decided to just get through some extra
questions today and just cut theclosing segment.
And that wasn't based on notbeing able to think of one.
That, you know, it was just wewe want to get you your
requested answers.

Eric (10:53):
Yeah, and we we find ourselves with a very good
problem, which is we have a lotof really good questions in the
fucking.

Matt (10:59):
We do, we authentically do.
So it is a it is a bit of ahappy accident.
But we are gonna get throughthem.

Eric (11:04):
Yeah, we're gonna see what we can get through and uh and
moving on up and moving on upEric to the podcast.

Matt (11:12):
A few times a while back is how this question begins from
the Discord.
A few times a while back, Mattreferenced his noodle, as in
this question popped into theold noodle, yeah, which I
understand to be referencing hisbrain.
But what kind of noodle isMatt's brain?
Bowtie, ravioli, and what kindis Eric's?

(11:33):
And that comes from Grant,relatively new to the Discord.
How are you doing, Grant?
Grant, how are you?
Thank you for being here.

Eric (11:40):
Grant, so good to have you on.
Do you have anything to sayabout the allegations?
What, Eric?
Sorry.

Matt (11:46):
Keep the allegations in the in the Discord, in the orgy
dome where they belong.
In the orgy dome.

Eric (11:53):
So, so so I know we said we'd never speak of it again,
but let's just jump right intospeaking about it.
Yeah, uh, I mean, there theorgy uh gang, I'm just gonna
tell you this.
Focus it up, Eric.
The orgy dome is lit.
It is lit.
It is lit as fuck.
And if you'd like to experiencethe orgy dome, please consider
joining our Patreon.

(12:14):
$1 a month gets you access tothe Discord and the Orgy Dome.
And the Orgy Dome.
Uh and the Orgyd.
That is just now the lowestcover you're ever gonna get,
folks, for any Orgy Dome.
The Orgy Dome tier.
Uh, you get access to theDiscord and the Orgy Dome.
$4 a month, you get access tothe Orgy Dome Discord.
Monthly bonus content in theform of oops, all tangents, and

(12:35):
20% off of all you daftmerchandise.
Matt, this is such a goodquestion.

Matt (12:39):
Yes, patreon.com slash you didn't ask for this.
What is it, Eric?

Eric (12:42):
What pasta?
What noodle?
Not even podcasting.
What's your noodle?

Matt (12:46):
What's your noodle?

Eric (12:47):
What's your nude sauna?

Matt (12:50):
And I think why it jumps out to jumped out to us is like
I have never once, authenticallynever once, considered what
type of noodle one's brain is.
And I think Grant is on to itright away, in the sense that I
do think it is not the samenoodle for everyone, because

(13:11):
pasta's pasta.

Eric (13:12):
Pasta's pasta.

Matt (13:13):
But like, you know, no one wants to say pasta.

Eric (13:16):
Well, you know, pasta noodles.
No, but there's so many,there's so many noodles.

Matt (13:20):
There's so many noodles, so and there's so many types of
noodles.
So I I have, of course, pulledup list of noodles from
Wikipedia Donate.
Of course.
There's so many differentsub-lists from here, because
obviously Vietnamese noodles,Thai noodles, Japanese noodles,
they all have their own thing.
So I'm gonna start withItalian, okay?

(13:41):
Okay, but uh just to get somebig ones.
Yeah.
The heavy hitters.
You got your fettuccine, yougot your linguini or macaroni,
you've got your spaghetti, ofcourse.
Got a spaghetti good.
But I'll say right off the bat,spaghetti.
I've never pictured spaghettiwhen I pictured my noodle, when
I say that.
Not even like a ZD.

(14:02):
It's the Mario in Mario Kart ofnoodles.
Yes, not e exactly.
It is it is the defaultsetting, and therefore I don't
want it.
Then there's uh, you know, umlinguini.
I I'll say linguini is closerbecause when I picture my
noodle, I picture like a bigold, like oh like a brain, a

(14:22):
brain made out of noodles.

Eric (14:24):
Yes.
I I for myself, I lean veryheavily towards linguini or
feticini.

Matt (14:30):
Feticini is good too because it's thicker.
Yes, and the it's I like a flatnoodle.
I like a long flat.
Wonton noodles might fit thebill as well.
Drunken noodles.
Drunken noodles.
I fucking love what kind ofnoodles are in drunken noodles?

Eric (14:47):
Uh they are they're typically, I believe, egg
noodles, and they're they'revery broad, flat, like rec,
they're like long rectangles,long, flat rectangles.

Matt (14:57):
Broad rice noodles seems to be traditional the
traditional usage of the noodleuh for drunken noodles.

Eric (15:05):
Yeah, because they have this pleasant glutinous quality
to them.
They're they're like chewy in ain a very pleasant way.
God, yes.

Matt (15:12):
Um, and then then there's the uh another one that I could
see is like a cup of noodles.
Oh, that cut that cup of thewoods.
Like a ramen, like a ramennoodle.
And I do think a ramen noodlesin the running for me.
Yeah.
For sure.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Eric (15:27):
Little little little uh now, Matt, are you now is your
noodle lean more al dente?
Or is it uh or is it a or is itlike uh like a soft, chewy?

Matt (15:39):
Oh, I always picture uh uh uh first of all, nothing raw,
right?
Nothing uncooked.
I always picture something in asoup.
And I am looking at the ramen,and just like uh if you were to
remove the water from a ramenbowl, yeah, that is sort of the
consistency I picture when I'mlike, oh, I'm using my noodle.

Eric (16:00):
Just hot and steaming and covered with delicious toppings,
yeah.

Matt (16:04):
But you know what I'm saying, like a clump, as opposed
to like spaghetti isn't aschaotic as uh as a ramen
collection.

Eric (16:12):
You have a more drawn up and like like coalesced bundle
of noodles as opposed to like aflat plate of noodles.

Matt (16:21):
Yes, 100%.
Okay, okay.
What are you thinking you havea flat plate of noodles?

Eric (16:26):
I think I have a flat plate of of noodles.
You're a flat plate of noodles.
I'm a flat plate of noodles.
I I I because when I picture mybrain, do you know one of my
favorite things to do as a kidand as an adult is get a
container?

Matt (16:38):
Is that how you ended up with CTE and uh this flat plate
of noodles?

Eric (16:43):
Potentially.
All right.
Um, but what I used to do isrun face first into brick walls.
Um, no, I would uh my favoritething to do is like when I'm
eating like spaghetti oranything with a long noodle.
I'm a long noodle, Matthew.

Matt (16:55):
You are you, Eric, inarguably are a long noodle.
Thank you.
Seen.
I've described you as such tomany people, many police
officers.

Eric (17:05):
Honored.
Um, but my favorite thing to dois you, you know, when you have
your broad sprawl of noodles,you put your fork in one
quadrant, you start turning it,and you start looking to see
where all the other, like, youknow what I mean?
The noodles you've capturedwhere they're where they're
moving and slithering throughoutthe plate.
You're like, oh, I know whereyou're going.
Oh, hello.
And you follow their littlejourney.
That is my brain to a fuckingT.

(17:27):
Or I'm just like, I'm like, allright, that's really doing some
big thinking over.
Oh, what's this?
Oh, look how that followed.
Oh, look how this is allconnected.
Oh, I should probably keep myeyes on the road.

Matt (17:39):
Yeah.
Yes, yes, Eric.
Yes, you should.

Eric (17:42):
Your hot new rod.
Oh, that's ADHD.
That that's it, that's ADHD.
I can't just focus on the forktwirling the pasta.
I gotta look at all the otherlittle ends and see how they
connect to everything else.

Matt (17:53):
Yeah, I think and I think it oh it should go without
saying that the noodle usingyour noodle, I do think I
picture it as one continuousnoodle that is all bunched up,
which is why I've always gonebecause I think it's just really
a nickname for the brain inthis statement.
And so that's why I picturesomething like a fedicini, like

(18:15):
a ramen, something that can getlike clumped up, but you can
still see the individual likeroots of it as it as it bobs and
weaves throughout its pile.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
So I I think you said fediciniearlier.
I'm starting to think about itmore seriously.

Eric (18:34):
Okay.

Matt (18:35):
I think I do like a drunken noodle type feel.
Yeah, I I I like the broadnoodle, but there's also other
stuff in there.
You know, there's other stuffthat the noodle is marinating
in.

Eric (18:48):
Yes.
And like it's new uh drunkennoodles is a noodle forward
dish.
It's a noodle forward dish, butyou get to find all these
little like where did thisshrimp come from?

Matt (18:58):
Yeah, and that's my intrusive thoughts.
That you know, they're just allover the broccoli of my
nightmares.
As I try to follow the noodle,other things get in there, and
I'm not eating the broccoli.
And I I rarely eat broccoli inin any dish.
In any dish.

Eric (19:14):
Well, because like usually the broccoli they give you, I
like broccoli, they give youlike a fucking like a broccoli
that had a thyroid issue.
Right.
Like where it's like, yes, it'slike takes up like a quarter of
the fucking thing.
I'm like, I'm not, I'm notputting in the work to eat that.

Matt (19:30):
See, the thing is, if I eat broccoli, I'd be farting.
That's just like what Oh, you'dbe tootin'?
I'd be tootin'.
You'd be rooting, you'd betootin'.
God damn, you'd be shooting.
I'll be get I will be, and I'llbe uncomfortable because I'll
be crampy.
So I just stay away frombroccoli in general.
But yeah.
Okay.
So I think I'm landing on grdrunken noodles.

(19:50):
And what but what are where areyou?
Are you you you are you settledon your creepy crawly noodles?

Eric (19:57):
I am settled on my creepy crawly noodles.
I just it really, I just gottaknow, because I'm real, I'm I'm
realizing in this moment, Ireally don't know the meaningful
difference between linguiniversus fettuccine.
I think it's mostly shape, myman.
Let me see.
Let's see, linguini is long,flat pasta narrow, well,
fettuccine is wider, flat ribbonpasta.

(20:18):
Oh, okay.
So yeah, so so I think it's allshape, baby.

Matt (20:22):
Yeah, it's all it's all shape.
Um but my noodles aredefinitely not things like bow
tie, raviola.

Eric (20:29):
I'm a fettuccine.

Matt (20:30):
I think you are a fettuccine.
I think you are a fettuccinebecause also, like, I you could
make the argument for macaroni,but I don't you could.
I don't think you want to,though.
I don't think it's like thegolden retriever answer in the
dog conversation.
I think it's a little bit likethat.

Eric (20:46):
It is a little bit like that.

Matt (20:47):
It's stale.

Eric (20:48):
It's a little stale.
I I am you know what reallyfettuccines my Alfredo?
Not Alfredo's your fettuccine.
All right, continue.

Matt (20:55):
Being told that I'm mac and cheese.
You are not Eric, you're notmac and cheese.
No, you're not I'm if anything,more mac and cheese than you.
You one I would I would agreewith that wholeheartedly.

Eric (21:06):
This isn't a this isn't a dig at mac and cheese.

Matt (21:08):
It's just like if I were to describe you as a dish, I
would probably like a a noodledish, I would actually probably
say phu.

Eric (21:17):
Fu.
Okay, okay, yeah.
No, I do fuck I fucks with avermicelli.
I fucks with a vermicelli card.

Matt (21:23):
There are definit there's definitely a noodle there, and
it's definitely doing work, butit is submerged in a in a in a
opaque uh and you need multipletools to get to the new you have
your spoon, you have yourchopsticks.

Eric (21:41):
You need several tools to extract it.
And you gotta you gotta zhuzhit.
You gotta juzh it.
Oh, I oh man, yeah, I changedmy answer.
You gotta prep it first alittle bit by adding meat to it.
Man, I'm pho.
Yeah, I I'm pho.

Matt (21:59):
I think you're pho as a dish.

Eric (22:01):
Yeah, as a dish.
I'm not just verbicelli byitself.

Matt (22:04):
If I was doing if I was doing my brain as a dish, which
I guess drunken noodles is, andwhat I'm what I'm really saying
is what kind of noodle it is isprobably the the rice noodle
that we discussed earlier fordrunken noodles.
I think my dish is probablydrunken noodles, and I think
your dish is probably pho.
But as a as a as a a noodlealone, I like fettuccine for

(22:29):
you.

Eric (22:29):
Okay.
It's almost like my astrology,like I'm a I'm like a pho moon
with a fettuccine rising.

Matt (22:36):
If you have to put it in those terms, sure.
That's such a mac and cheesething to say on.
I uh God.
Damn it.
I can't get into how stupid itis.

Eric (22:47):
So call us today.
Tell us your noodle sona.
Uh okay.
Tell us your news noodrology.
Don't don't your your Don'temail Eric privately.
Your max strollogy.
Oh, I will I'll do yeah, do it.
Uh call the thought line.
I will give, I will give freeof charge um noodle astrology

(23:09):
consultations.
Eric will Eric will pick up.
Eric Oh no, no, no.
I'll do it.
We'll we'll do it, you know,like pay play by post.
Uh you just tell me what noodleyou are, and I'll tell you what
your astrology uh fortune is.

Matt (23:22):
410-929-5329.
If you want to take Eric up onyour and on telling us your
noodle sonology.
This is a sincere offer.
This is a sincere offer, Erichas said, to read you your
noodle horoscope.
But only if you leave a messageon the thought line.
Eric, this is from oh, this isa question you should read,

(23:45):
actually, because if we'realternating.

Eric (23:48):
So, do mermaids have butthole and how do they poop?
Jennifer.

Matt (23:54):
Yes, that is from uh Jennifer uh while back.
It's been sitting here for awhile, so that's exactly what
we're doing.
We're getting through thebacklog.
Do mermaids have buttholes andhow do they poop?
So I want to get ahead ofsomething right now.
Tell us, Eric.

Eric (24:09):
Anatomically speaking, fish do have butthole.
They have a little littlelittle little poop shoot the
poop comes out of.
But that's not the question.
We're not talking about afucking fish, we're not talking
about a fucking human.
We're talking about a goddamnmermaid, a mythical mermaid.
So let's let's let's let's getthis out of the way.

(24:30):
Do we think mermaids havebuttholes?
I think they have to, right?
I mean they have to have- Idon't know, because they're
mermaids.
Like, do you you see what I'mgetting?
Like, do all mythical creatureshave to have butthole?

Matt (24:45):
Hmm.

Eric (24:46):
Does a does a does a unicorn have a butthole?

Matt (24:49):
Yeah, definitely a unicorn has a buttole.
It's just a horse with a bonecoming out of a tank.

Eric (24:54):
Mothman got butthole?
Mothman has a butthole.
Eric.
Mothman have a butthole.
Um does Pinocchio have abutthole?

Matt (25:02):
It depends if Geppetto drilled him one.
And I'm gonna say yes.
Like they're magical.
Uh yeah, I think they'd have tohave one if but uh I will say I
I did a quick Google and the AIoverview is it comes right out

(25:23):
and say mermaids do not havebuttholes, but they possess a
cloaca, a single gun.
Okay that uh their tail that Ithink you can say it both ways,
by the way, that serves for bothex excretion and reproduction,
similar to many fish, reptiles,and birds.
Now that does scan.

Eric (25:40):
I it does scan.
I do remember seeing in adocumentary called The
Lighthouse, they featured amermaid uh spoiler alert with
full full cloaca just out, justout and fucking sorry, snaps in
the chat.
Good for her.
Like, don't don't fucking don'thide your shit.

(26:02):
If that's you, if that's whatyou want to sell, if that's like
that's how you celebrateyourself, then fucking get it.
Like Cloaca on the beachshrieking at Robert Patton.
Who is who isn't?

Matt (26:11):
I was just gonna say, who is not gonna show their cloaca
to Robert Pattinson?

Eric (26:17):
What self-respecting mermaid swimming in it?
Um so so they got cloaca.
Do they poop?

Matt (26:26):
I I honestly like waste must comes out.
They're eating men at the sidesof the banks, right?
So the when once they'vefinished devouring their
sailors, they have to poop themout.

Eric (26:39):
Do they poop out?
Do they does their cloaca pushout little sailor bounds?
Well, he'll just a littleskeleton shaped like a sailor.

Matt (26:46):
Yes, in one solid connection.
Like a spirit Halloweenskeleton just comes out of a
with an eye patch.
Yeah, they just flip up onescale and out comes out comes
like like a cartoon wheresomebody eats a whole fish but
pulls out just the wholeskeleton.

Eric (27:07):
Yeah, yeah.
Or like the big hand bone downthe throat pulls out a clean out
of a nice clean femur, yeah.
But like this is the sound theymake when they do it.
They just go, oh that's theirpoop sound.

Matt (27:24):
And then let's go.
Oh god, what is that smell?
Eric, what's a good mermaidname?
Tell me now.
Ooh, Anjesslica.
Nope.

Eric (27:36):
Veiled.
Okay, hold on, hold on,swimmifer.
Not Finnefer.
Finifer.
Finifer is a winner.

Matt (27:51):
Finifer the mermaid.
Good friends, by the way, withHarry the Centaur.

Eric (27:56):
Yeah, oh yeah.
They're they're it purelyplatonic.
Oh, yeah.
Very respectful, very tastefulfriendship.
I I think not that theycouldn't, like that, no one
would be worried about that, butlike they're so tight, like
they've been through some shittogether.
And like not with each other,like they've carried each other
through some hard times, andit's made them like better,
deeper friends.
There's no will they want thathere.

(28:16):
It's just if they can just havea nice, well, they're just
healthy friendship.
They're just buds.

Matt (28:21):
They're two buds that like to cause mischief.
Mythical mischief.

Eric (28:25):
Yeah.

Matt (28:26):
We're out here creating some mythical mischief today.
Fucking fucking swimmer for arolling up like, oh my good
bitch.
And Harry's out there poopingin a bush.
Pooping in a bush.
And like, do they oh, is thatit?
And the bush throws his breadbowl at her and says, get out of
here.

Eric (28:46):
Yay.
Do you think do you thinkthat's how they met?
It's like the water cooler, butthe water cooler is the bush
Harry poops in, right next to alittle cove that that Swimmifer
does her sin in.
Where like where a Panera islocated.
Yeah, where a Panera right nearthe Panera, the waterfront
Panera.
The waterfront Panera.
So she's just like chilling onthe side, like she's in a like a

(29:09):
hot tub, just like shooting theshit with Harry.
Literally, shooting the shitwith Harry.

Matt (29:13):
Harry gets into the hot tub.
Yeah.
Freshly pooped.
The hot cove, the the cold,foamy cove.
And he says, Do you hey, by theway, I just gotta know, do you
have a butthole?
And she says, very forward ofyou to ask.
And yeah, sort of.
It's a cloaca.
And here it is.
I like the cloaca.
I like the cloaca.

Eric (29:39):
There's the episode.
Uh I like the cloaca campaignslogan.
Just cut that out.
Stick it after the credits.
2026.
I like the cloaca.
2028.
I like the cloak.
And man, you have won thepopular vote.
Um just Matt Shea.
I like the Cloaca.

(29:59):
Hashtag why not both.

Matt (30:05):
Get you a leader who will do both.
I will be your cloaca.
That is my campaign slogan.
That is my campaign promise.
You heard it here first.
I will be your cloaca, America.
I do think you can say cloacaas well.
Cloaca.

Eric (30:19):
Okay.
I've never heard of it.

Matt (30:21):
I think Steve Irwin is where I first heard cloaca, and
now I am wondering if it is justa dialect situation.

Eric (30:28):
Yeah, claaka.

Matt (30:29):
Is very I don't mean wrong by the claaka.
I'm just saying cloaca becomescloaca becomes cloaca in
Australia, is what I'm trying toget at.
That's gans.
Cloaca.
Called him rot in the cloaka.
Jaws has a cloaka, my turtle.
Jaws does have a cloaka.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Keeps his penis in it.

Eric (30:46):
Careful now.
No, that's true.
That's where I I keep my penisin that cloak.
That's true.
It's in his tail.

Matt (30:52):
Yeah.
Like halfway through his tail,there's a secret cloaka that
opens and his little pee-peecomes out.
Damn.

Eric (30:57):
Yeah.
Do you think do you think uh doyou think Jaws was like like
fucking like swinging from thefences with that thing?
No.
Like do you know what I mean?
Like do you think do you thinkhe had that he he had that hog?
No, I he's shark, likerelatively shark speaking.

Matt (31:13):
No, I've seen him since uh, you know, almost since he
hatched.
So yeah, no, I uh he I he'snever been out on the town, he's
never been out anywhere,really.
Okay.

Eric (31:25):
Matt, yeah.
I'm gonna can I have a momentof complete honesty and
vulnerability with you?
Sure.
Up until that last sentence ofyours, I thought we were talking
about the fictional Jaws shark.
No, oh no, my turtle shark.
Yeah, shark anatomy with me.
Yeah, about Bruce Char.
I was like, oh, do you think doyou think that that that sh

(31:46):
that no?
I'm telling you, swinging a bigfat fucking hog around.
No, I'm talking about myturtle.
And then I realized you weretalking about Jaws the turtle.

Matt (31:54):
And indeed, and indeed turtles in general.
And they uh that's cool.
Yeah, halfway up the tail, theygot a little hole in there that
the penis is in there, and thepoop and the pea comes out.

Eric (32:04):
The poop and then the pea, uh, what are you gonna do?
What are you?
What are you gonna do?
What are you gonna do?
Yeah, it's very rare to see theturtle's penis, by the way.
She poached 2028.
What are you gonna do?
What do you what are you gonnado?
What are you gonna do?
Uh, but so so okay, so so toanswer this question, oh yeah,
they do they do they do not havebuttholes.
They do have cloaca, they dopoop out it.

Matt (32:26):
Yeah, it's a dual purpose hole.

Eric (32:28):
Can it at least can the poop have magical properties?

Matt (32:31):
Like it's mermaid poop, it's got I mean, it probably
does.
Like I I think a mermaid poopprobably I think to some things
it has healing properties, likeit'll fix an astigmatism, but
like it's not gonna bring anyoneback from the dead, but it'll
like it'll it'll fix your fuckedup eyes.

(32:51):
Yes, when chucked into an eye,it will fix an astigmatism.
But the um, but yeah, I thinkto others it's very harmful, you
know.
It depends on your relation,it's like an allergy.

Eric (33:05):
Okay, and that is how manatees came to be.

Matt (33:10):
That's how manatees and narwhals came to be.
Yep.
Yeah.
A manatee ate narwhals, arejust manatees that ate mermaid
poop.
Tight, tight, tight, sick, sendit, send it, bro.
Send it.
That question was not asked,but it has been answered.
What are manatees?
Where did they come from?

(33:30):
I mean, what are narwhals?
Where do they come from?
And now you know mermaid shitin a manatee's mouth.
Mermaid shit in a manatee'smouth.
This next question, we're backto the Discord.
It comes from Zach Deuce, goodfriend of the Pop.
Zachy D.
The boy for me.

(33:51):
He is the boy for everyone.
When you hear someone mentionthe muffin man, do you picture a
human offering muffins, or doyou picture a muffin with the
face of a man?
And again, that's Zach Deuce onthe Discord.
I do have a quick follow-up.
All right.
The muffin man?

(34:11):
Yeah, the muffin man.

Eric (34:14):
Okay.

Matt (34:14):
The one who lives on Drury Lane, I believe.

Eric (34:18):
Oh, okay.

Matt (34:19):
That okay.
The muffin man.
Do you know the muffin man?
The muffin man?
Yeah, the muffin man.
No, I know of him.
Oh, okay.
You've heard you've you don'trun in the same circles of the
muffin man.
Okay.

Eric (34:32):
Yeah.
I'm more familiar with themufflin man.
The muffin man steals catalyticconverters around the
neighborhood.
Not the muffin man.
The muffin man?
That son of a bitch who owes me$200?

Matt (34:43):
God.
Marty the muffler man.
Um wow, a lot of nicknamesbeing thought up in this
episode.

Eric (34:50):
A lot of mythos being spun.
Uh so, so d so yeah, Ipersonally, in my heart of
hearts, when I say, Do you knowthe muffin man?
I I imagine an adorable littleman made of muffin.
He's just a big old muffin, gotit.
With arms and legs coming outof him.
With little dainty arms andlegs.
Like he's wearing like alittle, like he's wearing like a

(35:12):
a little, a little, like a ladsuit, like, you know, like what
like schoolboys would wear inlike the the the 1700s, got
little tails and like the littlethe little ribbon.

Matt (35:23):
I think I've always pictured a Humpty Dumpty-esque
character.
Yes.
Where it is both face and bodyis muffin, but there are arms
and legs.

Eric (35:33):
All is muffin.
It's the arms and legs.
It's sponge, it's it's it'smuffin bob.

Matt (35:38):
It's muffin bob, yeah.
And he lives in a in like alittle cottage somewhere.
I've always pictured DrewElaine as being this like dirt
path in an English village.
Lives in a muffin-shaped house.

Eric (35:50):
Quite possibly.
Does he eat muffins?
How does he feel?
I feel like I feel like we'vegotten to this territory before
vis-a-vis Pillsbury Doughboy.
Yes.
But but how do muffin man feel?
Because I feel like he alsomakes muffins.
Like, that's in my head.

Matt (36:06):
Like he makes muffins.
Do you picture a human offeringmuffins?
No, but I do picture a muffinoffering muffins.

Eric (36:18):
Muffin on muffin.

Matt (36:20):
Yeah, but I the muffins that the muffin man bakes so
carefully with so much thoughtand and passion are not the same
ingredients that make him, Idon't think.
I don't know how that works.
Don't ask me to explain that.

Eric (36:35):
Unless he's like, unless it's like, unless it starts
taking like a real brothers grimkind of twist where it's like,
I put a little bit of myself inevery batch.
And like, oh, that ain't right.
That ain't right.
Right.
That ain't really I think youjust naturally make muffin.
I mean, we make well, we'rehumans.
We make other smaller humans.

(36:55):
We don't eat them, but we domake them.
We do make them and some andyou know, sometimes we sell them
to the local workhouse.
Oh.
Interesting.
Yeah, you know, they they allstand on the big wheel that
grinds millet into gruel thatthey then eat.

Matt (37:15):
Oh, interesting.
Well, how very graphic you youtook this.
Well, man, that's my that's theway the muffin um the muffin
industry works.
Big muffin.
Big muffin, big muffin.
If you're gonna come after BigMuffin, you gotta be prepared
for what did you say?
Crushing millet?
In it like a boxer, in like aslavery hamster wheel, it would

(37:38):
say.

Eric (37:38):
Where they're all like they're grabbing the bars and
they're like walking on thebill, all the little kids are
walking on the big wheel becausesomehow that makes that's like
the most efficient way wefigured out to do that.

Matt (37:49):
In your mind, the yeah, the meat factories today are are
full of child laborers slashslaves on a big wheel, like like
like this is Upton Sinclair'sThe Jungle, but but meets Willy
Wonka.

Eric (38:06):
No, this is so no I I I see with the no, this is in the
war like in this dark Grimmsfairy tale muffin man setting
that we're in.
And in the extent in in the inthe in the MCU.
Um the muffin cinematicuniverse?
Yes.
Thank you.
Uh this is this is kind of howthings are.

(38:28):
Yeah, man.
Uh can I also just like youknow, we we got some muffins
fresh out the oven.
Also, hot and ready is thistake.
Not a fan of big muffin.
Big muffin.
How big's big muffin?
So, like, okay.

Matt (38:46):
I'm not a fan of muffin as meal.

Eric (38:49):
No, part of meal.
Part of meal, love a muffin.
Part of meal or snack.
I have because even with thebiggest muffins, I've never been
satisfied after a muffin meal.
It is, I I uh it has alwaysbeen in an act of desperation
that I've been like, I'm gonnabe a good one.
I don't think you're wrong.

Matt (39:07):
I don't think you're wrong at all about it.
And I'll say one more thingabout it, also known as the
first thing I'll say about it.
I find the the bigger themuffin, the more you run into
the issue where the muffin topis good and the rest of it is
shit.

Eric (39:24):
Dog shit.
Dog shit.
Mermaid shit.
Dog shit.
That that's only like when theydo big muffin, they yeah, they
front load on and mind you, theygo hard on a topping.
They go hard on a topping, andI like it when they go hard on
topping, but just do that to anormal muffin and make the whole
muffin good as opposed to like80% of the muffins good, and
then I pay the 20% shit muffintax.

(39:45):
I know the muffin, the buffin,the bottom muffin.

Matt (39:48):
I know, as I think we all do, as all mature adults know.
It's all god-fearing men, themuffin, the muffin, god-fearing
muffin men know and fear thatthe muffin top that the muffin
top is the attractive part ofthe muffin.
We're here for the muffin top.
But there once you've seen themuffin top and you go down into

(40:12):
the valley of the inner part ofof the cake, it can't be just
like a dog shit cake under thereto hold up the muffin top.
It's gotta be acceptable, it'sstill gotta be sweet and and
filling, right?
Yes, yes, god, yes.

Eric (40:29):
We we love a muffin top.
We love a muffin top.
We f I fucking love a muffintop.

Matt (40:34):
I uh the when somebody finally decided to make muffin
top only's great, greatinvention.
Amazing.

Eric (40:41):
But like much like a healthy BDSM dynamic, you gotta
be thinking about the bottom.
Got to.

Matt (40:49):
That's just courteous love making.

Eric (40:51):
Yeah, it's just cur it's just common courtesy.
It's just I'm sorry, it's justmanners.

Matt (40:55):
It's just manners in the bedroom and the kitchen.

Eric (40:58):
So all that to say, muffin man made of muffin and make
muffin, but not part of BigMuffin.
Big Muffin's the ones with thekids in the workhouse.
That's how you that like inthose times, it's the only way
you could get muffins that bigis if you have the tears of
children wetting the grain as itis.
In those times, those timesbeing oh, you know, the muffin

(41:21):
times, the the you know, the themuffin age.
Back when like every everyevery dude wore a stovepipe and
drove a penny farthing to work.
Yes.
And and on all the ladiesdressed like little Bo Peep, and
all the gender binaries werewere muffins and eggs.
And uh That time.

(41:43):
That time.
The muffin age.

Matt (41:45):
The muffin age.
Yeah.
I I do the muffining.
The muffining, the grandmuffining.
Um grand muff the grand muffTarkin.
All right.

Eric (41:54):
It's a little bit of He just went, he just reached into
Star Wars lore there for asecond.
A long time ago in a bakery faraway.
Yeah.
And it's and it's Muffin War.
Muffin War.
The Muffin Alliance.
My big muffin.

(42:14):
The Muffin Alliance.
The Muffin Alliance.
Sorry, the Phoenix BreakfastBakery.
Uh and like the evil bakery,like there's the like the yeah,
it's it's shit writes itself.

Matt (42:27):
I gotta, Eric, I gotta pull out this linguini because
you are getting lost in thesauce.
I have altered the bake.
Pray I do not alter it further.
Okay, you saved it.
You brought it back.
You brought it back at the endthere.

Eric (42:41):
Yeah, I did it.

Matt (42:41):
You did it.

Eric (42:42):
Okay.
I'm very glad.
But that's all I'll say aboutthat.

Matt (42:47):
Okay, great.
Great flow of the conversation.
All right.
Now I'm down.
Now I've had my say.
Yeah, I think I I do agreethough.
I I have never once, I've neveronce pictured a man offering
muffins as the muffin man.
That is crazy to me.

Eric (43:06):
I just gotta feel bad for him because at that point, like
that's just a feeling.
I it just a bit, that's whatfucks with me.
I feel like like people wouldwould misuse him.
Like, like, like it sounds likethe in that scenario, the dude
is just so good at makingmuffins, it's all anyone cares.
He's defined by it, by everyonearound him.
Where where they're like, ohyeah, that's that's I can't
remember.
It's you know, the muffin man.
It's Craig the Muffin Man,yeah.

(43:27):
I don't even think they knowhis name.
That's the fucked up part.
Is like they're like Oh, yeah,the muff the muffin man.

Matt (43:33):
The muffin fucker.
And that's how the conversationfirst started.
With do you know the muffinman?
You know the muffin man?
The muffin man?

Eric (43:41):
The muffin man.
The muffin man.
Oh, I know the muffin man wholives on uh Drury Lane.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,yeah, yeah.
She married to the Muffin Man.

Matt (43:49):
Oh, she is married to the Muffin Man.

Eric (43:52):
Yeah, so like that, like when that's the extent that your
community makes the effort tolike know about you, man, that's
fucked.
That's fucked.
That is much less fucked tohave a literal anthropomorphic
muffin fighting against atyrannical government that that
puts children in the workhouseand makes them make muffins.

Matt (44:13):
Eric, you're so right, as always.
And I just want to say to themuffin man, I I invite the
muffin man to fucking leave thatfucking dystopian English
village that he's at.
And come it's not idyllic.
It's not idyllic at all.
It's it's like it is like thevillage of Emni Chamalan fame.
It's it it seems surface levellike it'd be great, but it's

(44:36):
not.
It's no utopia.
You know what is you daft lore.
So come on over.
You come on over, pull up achair next to Swinifer and
Harry.
I think it was Finifer.

Eric (44:47):
Oh, sorry, Finifer.

Matt (44:49):
Finifer, Harry the Centaur, and oh yeah, the
cicade, uh, the leader of thecicade.
Everybody's here, and JiggyToes where the balls he's he's
not sitting at the table, but heis in the restaurant.
You can't see him.
You don't know where he is, buthe's there.
Oh, he's there.
You know he's there.
You can smell him.
Oh, he's old.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

(45:09):
He he and he smells you.
Oh, he smells you, and he hasGod forbid, if you have an
open-toed shoe.
Oh, he can be on it.
He will be on you.

Eric (45:20):
Coming for those tow beans like white on rice, you know?
Like, like like muffins ontops, like muffins on tops.

Matt (45:28):
Absolutely.
We uh we have been cooking thisepisode, Eric.
Damn, yeah.
We so I feel like we can we canknock one more out.
I think we got at least onemore out.
And this one is a little bittopical.
It is one of our more recentsubmissions from the last week
or so.
It's from Tim at Against AllOddities.
And he asks, what's the idealrapture?

(45:50):
Eric, there was supposed to bea rapture this past week when we
were.
I have heard of such.
I was I was promised manythings.
Both of us are here, and so areall the people who thought
they'd be raptured.

Eric (46:03):
And all of our listeners still here, still here.
We're all still here.
I don't think anyone went.
No, no.
Or if they did, it wasn't many.

Matt (46:12):
It was it was so short, no one noticed them leave.
How embarrassing.
How embarrassing.
When you plan, and there I willsay, there have been I've seen
so many people on TikTok andthings documenting TikTokers and
Instagram influencers andthings who have been posting for

(46:32):
a long time now about thisrapture and like making
arrangements for the fact thatthey're not gonna be here after
the rapture and like absolutelyinsane behavior.

Eric (46:45):
Oh my god, yeah.
There's like the dude, like thelast time this happened back in
like 2012 and shit.
Like there was the dude whomade a fucking mint off of
getting checks for like I'llcome feed your dogs and cats and
stuff after you get raptured.
And also, regardless of whetheror not the rapture happens, you
I keep the money.
And people are like, okay.
Yeah, because it's gonnahappen.

Matt (47:06):
Because it's gonna happen.
Because people people bewriting checks left and right
when they think they never haveto worry about where they come
from.
Yeah.
Yeah, wonder where the moneycomes from.

Eric (47:16):
Uh yeah, it's a it's a and like on the one hand, like you
know that the dude who did that,like, you know what you're
doing.
Yeah, he's a piece of shit.
Yeah, he's a piece of shit.
But these are also people whohave who have been spending
their lives smugly tellingeveryone else that they're gonna
go to heaven and everyone elsejust gonna eat shit.

Matt (47:34):
Yes, they've been brainwashed, they've been
gaslit, they don't realize it,but they have the audacity to
rub it in other people's faces.

Eric (47:43):
Yes.
So they didn't get the rapturethey wanted, but let's talk
about the rapture we need.

Matt (47:49):
The w rapture we need and the rapture we, you and I,
deserve.

Eric (47:54):
Yes, yes.
First off, I mean, buddy, ifwe're gonna like I if we're
gonna if we're gonna getraptured, yeah.
And honestly, I'm gonna saythis now because I don't want to
look hypocritical.
Okay.
I'm gonna frame my answer fromthe position of maybe I get
raptured, maybe I don't.
Okay.
I I'm gonna accept that I couldbe on either side of that of

(48:17):
that of that equation.
But an ideal rapture for me,you gotta, I mean, you gotta get
biblical.

Matt (48:23):
Well, let me I think there's two ways to look at the
question.

Eric (48:26):
Yeah.

Matt (48:27):
There's what is your ideal rapture if you're raptured, and
what is your ideal rap raptureif you are not, if you are a
leftover.

Eric (48:38):
If you yes, if you okay, okay.

Matt (48:41):
So let's start with we're being raptured.
We're being raptured.
Eric, take it.

Eric (48:47):
Take it and fly, my little angel.
Dude, dude, I'm a I'm a classicman.
I I need that beam of light.
I'm like, you want a beam oflight.
I I want a beam of light.
I'm I'm I'm at Kroger.
Yeah.
And I'm I'm I'm I'm I'mshopping, I'm looking through
Katie Litter, and then all of asudden it's just like boom.

(49:09):
Light, warmth.

Matt (49:11):
You look up up the tunnel of light above you.

Eric (49:14):
Yeah, like like like and as as I look up, single tear
rolling down my face.
Well, it's so bright and cold.
It's like oh, it's sobeautiful.
And then like like I just startlike like like I'm like I'm
lifting up, like I'm just likeslowly floating floating
upwards, and it's at a slow,it's at a float slow enough that
I'm not gonna be hanging out anawkward amount of time, but I

(49:35):
do get just enough time to kindof like wave goodbye to everyone
in the Kroger, not gettingraptured.
Like like I you gotta get avictory lap.

Matt (49:43):
And you go through the ceiling, yes, but yes.
But like I don't think you'relike pulled through it like
crash, boom, back.
Like, it's not like oh thelight, and then all yeah, all of
a sudden it's that.
It's not that, it's more, it'smore like you've gone through it
somehow, and now the word Ibecause this I'm getting into my
idea a little bit as well,because I also feel I'm

(50:05):
indifferent to the light, but Ido need to be like, oh my god,
I'm being pulled up by my heartcenter, you know?

Eric (50:12):
And like yes, that's like like a puppet of stress first.

Matt (50:15):
You're you're not in control of it, and as you're
floating and you get through anyobstacles, you get that like
last look at the at the worldaround you.
I'm just spinning in my chairnow as I look down at the world,
imagining myself being like,oh, take me, Lord, and up I go
until the light I think floodsin, and then I'm in the heaven

(50:41):
place.

Eric (50:42):
And then I'm in the and then I'm in the heaven place.
Or so for my follow-up, here'shere's my ideal.
The this is true, and this istruly unironically my ideal.
I that all happens exactly aswe described.
You can pull like, and then I'mlike, oh my god, here it comes.
And then I'm pulling back, I'mpulling away, and I'm I'm I'm
I'm I'm I have like tentaclehands and I'm holding the alien

(51:04):
equivalent of like a bong, andmy friends are asking me if I'm
feeling it yet.
Nice.
You feel it?
Yeah, I was like, I was like,dude, holy shit.
Like I was I had this wholefucking and but it like this is
what it sounds like.

Matt (51:20):
If if you could hear it with your human ears, but you
can't.
If I could hear it with myhuman ears, yeah, yeah.

Eric (51:26):
So I was just smoking that primo, that primo four four D
dimension alien cush.
Yeah, that four loco cush,yeah.

Matt (51:35):
So you fifth loco.
The fifth loco.
Very few people talk about thefifth loco.
Uh so you get lifted up, and Ithink it has to be so nice as
you're going up in your beam oflight and you're floating above
the clouds, and the clouds arevery slowly just becoming a uh
one big cloud of white becauseyou're about to hit heaven,

(51:56):
baby.
You're about to get there.
And I think you're filled withthis euphoria and this, oh, you
know, everything, andeverything's feeling warm, and
you're looking around, you'relike, yes, it's time.
And all of that is important,and all of that is your last
little treat from God becausewhen you get through that cloud,
you just smack right down onthe fucking floor, and you look

(52:20):
up, and God, it's like the DMV.
There's this huge line ofpeople because everybody's
gotten raptured, everyone'swaiting to get up to St.
Peter's.
Poor St.
Peter's like, holy fuckingshit, it's Black Friday up in
here.
We're gonna need more chairs,you know.
Like a retail worker on BlackFriday.
Peter's like, okay, hold on.
What who are you?
Oh, fuck.
I was flipping through pageafter page after page to be

(52:42):
like, okay, all right.

Eric (52:43):
Uh all the dogs, though, they're just getting waved
through.

Matt (52:46):
No, the the dogs are getting waved straight straight
waved through.
There's a swim through aseparate saint is there that's
like, come on through, come onthrough.
What's that?
A fucking cat?
Get it out of here.
And you know, just one afteranother.

Eric (52:56):
Yeah.

Matt (52:57):
Son of a bitch.
And then picks up a raccoon'slike, You think I didn't see you
little fucker?
Throws it down to hell.
And the raccoon's like, I had ahat.
And uh there's one clouds openup in a little hole and they
just drop the rejects through.
Oh no.

Eric (53:16):
Um, I do also like to imagine, like, while we're while
we're getting pulled up, I liketo think that there's a moment,
like coincidentally, we'reclose enough to each other that
as we're getting raptured, welike look over and see each
other on the dozen, and we justhave that moment like hey, hey
you made it.

Matt (53:32):
All right, Eric.
Now we gotta go the other way.
We gotta know what if what isthe ideal rapture for those left
behind.
Many might just stop rightthere, and that the people being
raptured, that's enough.
They just life that's ideal.

Eric (53:46):
You guys are gone.
So when for my ideal rapture onthe receiving end, man, if it's
the rapture, I want absolutefucking cinema.
I want, I want the oceansboiling, I want fire raining
from the sky.
I I will A, I want it to bequick but cool looking.
I want, I want all thevolcanoes erupting at once.

Matt (54:10):
You want you want both the rapture and r the revelation at
the same time.

Eric (54:17):
Oh, oh get them, get it all done at once.

Matt (54:20):
Don't yeah, Exodus is a whole different story, by the
way.
Uh how many stories can therebe?
Well, as it turns out, youmight be surprised to learn
lots.

Eric (54:32):
Damn.

Matt (54:33):
Lots and lots.

Eric (54:34):
I thought they I thought they covered it all in veggie
tales.

Matt (54:37):
They didn't.
Oh, we had it.
They tried, they tried, theycouldn't get through it all.
No, for Exodus, though, youwant to go to Rugrats, really.
They've they've uh they're thedefinitive children's show that
did the Exodus story.

Eric (54:50):
I forgot about Rugrats explaining the fucking plagues
and shit.

Matt (54:55):
They're explaining Passover and everything.
Yeah, it's uh what an epic,epic episode of Children's TV.

Eric (55:01):
Man, but yeah, so that's like I I want to like, or you
know, if we're going theabsolute cinema route, that or
vice versa, we we we get aneverybody wins scenario where
we're like so many people getraptured that like the
population of Earth is likesignificant.
It's like the Thanos snap,except the nice version.
So, like, oh shit, now we don'thave to worry about all those

(55:24):
greenhouse guys.
Like, okay, we can just kind ofstart building a little heaven
on earth here.

Matt (55:28):
A little heaven is a place on earth, if you will.
Is a place on earth, yes,finally.
And so they get lifted up.
I don't know about all thedeath and destruction as well.
Like, I don't want to dienecessarily.

Eric (55:42):
I mean, obviously, I don't want to die, but if I'm gonna
die, I want it to be cool.

Matt (55:45):
But yeah, again, you're conflating revelation with the
with the idea of being raptured.
And I'm thinking people are Ithink these people float away,
and I'm in a position where I'mlike, all right, do I still have
to work today or can I go?

Eric (56:02):
You know, like the the con every conversation that happens
after the rapture is going tobe so fucking awkward from like
two to three weeks.

Matt (56:12):
Of course, because it's not like an apocalypse where
like there's no one, butsuddenly like a significant
portion of say like the policeforce down.
Yeah, you know, think of thesports a significant portion.
A significant portion.
Think of the like the thesports teams are gonna be in

(56:34):
they're chaos because suddenly,you know, uh half the half your
team maybe is gone, or only twoor three key players, and it's
like fuck, what are we gonna dowithout a catcher?

Eric (56:44):
You know, yeah, it's you know it it's it's gonna be I
feel like this is where kind ofthey have an argument.
Like a lot of people are nowgonna get a chance to chase
their dreams because now there'sgonna be a whole lot of
openings.
It's kind of like uh in thelatest season of Survivor, we've
got two, we've got two twofolks who are uh standbys, I or
whatever they go, like they werethey're following.
Alternates alternates becausebecause that's a whole Alyssa

(57:08):
was filling me in about that.

Matt (57:09):
Oh, I could yeah, I can tell you real quick as well.
I was I heard the clip of JeffProbes talking about as well.
Yeah, there is uh you're notallowed to talk when you're
being kept pre-show on Ponderosafor obvious reasons.
For obvious for fucking veryclear, obvious reasons, no one's
allowed to talk.

Eric (57:27):
For grade school obvious reasons, the contestants cannot
speak to each other before thiscontest.

Matt (57:32):
The contestants in this game of deceit and relationships
are not allowed to speak priorto cameras rolling.
And the we there were twopeople this year who broke the
rule and apparently broke it soflagrantly and repeatedly that
the producers were like, no,fuck you two, you're out of
here.
Um that's how we got thosealternates.
Normally it's a medical or apersonal emergency thing that

(57:53):
causes an uh an alternate tocome in.

Eric (57:55):
I can't even feel bad for them.
No, I don't care.
I don't even want to know whothey were.
No, because from what Iunderstand, they were they were
told like many.
We're just describing therapture.
It's like the people who don'tget raptured are just like look,
we told you many times.
Many times.

Matt (58:08):
You didn't believe you didn't pick the right rules, you
didn't follow the right rules.
You didn't heed the warnings,and now you are left behind to
still be working at a Jify lube.
Come and see.

Eric (58:19):
Come and see.
But yeah, I think there's gonnabe a lot of like alternates
stepping up to because becauselike now, now like little little
little Billy, who is likereally good at football, but
maybe not good enough to playfor you know sports team.
Now, sports team, they needtalent, they need they need
fillers.

Matt (58:35):
That goalpost has significantly been moved up.
Yeah, it's much closer.

Eric (58:41):
I wouldn't be mad at it.

Matt (58:42):
Yeah, I I kind of I mean, there's something very
attractive to me about uh therapture happening and me still
being here and being like, okay,perhaps the world just got
slightly less chaotic.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, and now we and and noweveryone's position.

Eric (59:00):
Think of oh my god, traffic has to get better.
Traffic has to get better.
I feel like people'sjudgmentalness will go down
significantly because at the endof the day, none of us got got
picked.
None of us got picked up.
It'll be it'll be asimultaneous, you can't judge me
because you're also here,jackass.
But also now a oh, we're all inthis together because those

(59:22):
pieces of shit got raptured, andnow we're like it becomes their
own.
We were all wrong, we were allwrong, but we I think we can all
agree that those guys kind offucking suck.

Matt (59:32):
Right.
So, like uh who who who savedwho?
You know, and so who saved whosaved who, God.

Eric (59:43):
Uh they're all waiting in line up in fucking heaven, like
a bunch of dumb shits, and herewe are partying it up on a
suddenly not so full Disneyland,living it up down here, yeah.

Matt (59:56):
Uh living it up with the the other leftovers, yeah.
I've for for For sure.
And I'd say for certain.
Yeah.
I think that's a rapture.
That's a good rapture, my guy.
That's a good rapture.

Eric (01:00:08):
And I think that's a good episode.
Yeah, I think that's a goodplace to wrap.
We should do that more.
We should answer questions moreoften.

Matt (01:00:17):
I think it's something that we should look into.
But next episode is going to beour spooky sode that we uh
forgot entirely to do last yearand we're so eager to make up
for it this year that we plannedit two episodes too early.
So we will finally get to thatnext time around.
That was the trick.

(01:00:38):
Now let's have a treat.
That was the trick, and it'sthe treat.
Doesn't work.
Yours was better.
Thank you.
That'll about do it for thisepisode of You Did Not Ask For
This.
Uh my name.

Eric (01:00:52):
Oh, that's so jarring.
No, that's so hate.
Oh, I hate it.
That is so that's not right.
That's not right.
It's not right, and it's notproperly.
I did I deeply regret what I'vedone here today.

Matt (01:01:09):
Yeah.
Yeah.
I forgive you.
We do, however, need thosequestions from you.
The queue is never deep enough,my friends.
It no there's always room foryou to get in here.
And there's always room to comein with early seasonal
questions.
You got Thanksgiving problemsyou want to throw at us.
You got Christmas questions orother holiday questions.

(01:01:32):
Easter.

Eric (01:01:33):
Easter, 4th of July.
Bring them all.
I say this without an ounce offuture regret in my voice.
Ask us any question about anyreligion.
Sure.

Matt (01:01:45):
Very doubtful that we will do those.
Yeah, but we will put them inthe queue and discuss them.
Yes.
Privately, most likely.
Privately.
And you can submit them to usat udnaskforthis at gmail.com.
That's all spelled out.
I don't know why I got I don'teven have a whiskey as I
normally do.
And I'm still slurring words.

(01:02:05):
Uh, but the so uh you didn'task for this at gmail.com, all
spelled out.
You can submit the questionsthere.
You can call the thought line410-929-5329, leave us a message
about really anything, and uhof course uh reach us on uh
Instagram and elsewhere at youdidn't ask pod.

(01:02:26):
That's the letter you didn'task pod.
Eric already told you about thePatreon.
Yeah, I did that was snuck inearly.
Eric, did we forget anybusiness?

Eric (01:02:37):
I don't think we forgot a goddamn thing.

Matt (01:02:39):
Well, then listen, for all of us here at You Didn't Ask
for This, my name is Matche.
My name is Eric Poach.

Eric (01:02:46):
And listen, you didn't ask.
But do you know what thefucking kid who sold me my car
told me?
Unironically.
Okay, tell me.
Because he saw I was trading inmy Jeep, he got to look at it.
It's a 12-year-old Jeep.
It still has manual roll-y upwindows.
It sure did.
Uh, and and and and when I waslike, yeah, I was like, dude, I
was like, I'm no the big stepup.

(01:03:07):
Like I'm going from like actualmanual roll-up.
What is it?
He's like, oh dude, that's socool, that's so retro.
I've never felt more old in myfucking life.

Matt (01:03:15):
I mean, the roll-up windows are a little bit even
ahead of our time, but it doessting.
It stings.
It does sting.
You know what?
It is the same equivalent forme as when kids I have since
learned from from friends that Ihave that are teachers.
When you make this what I'dconsider the universal hand

(01:03:39):
symbol for free.
Yeah, we can do the when you dothe surfer bra right next to
your your key down, thumb up toreceiver and microphone of of
phone.
Kids don't do that anymore.
They do a flat palm to theirhands because they don't know
what the other one is.

(01:04:01):
Are you fucking with me?
Is that a thing?
That's a thing.
We need to get raptured.
To mime a phone, they'll put aflat palm to their hand because
they don't know what the phonelooks like before that.

Eric (01:04:15):
Someone needs to get raptured.
I don't care if it's me orthem.
Someone needs to get raptured.

Matt (01:04:19):
Eric, I'm gonna tell you one other thing that that I have
had more than one Gen Zer in mylife say to me.
Eric, when you go to save afile, what logo is there?
It's floppy disk.
They just think it means save.
They don't think it rey don'tknow it represents anything.

Eric (01:04:40):
They don't know what the fuck a floppy disk.
Oh yeah.
Oh, just like the the the micsymbol shows an actual old ass
microphone.
Fucking.

Matt (01:04:47):
Those microphones don't exist.
We're talking into two of themright now.
Oh god.

Eric (01:04:53):
Kids these days, they need to get raptured, learn some
fucking manners.

Matt (01:04:57):
I agree.
I agree.
Get out of here.

Eric (01:05:00):
Get up into the sky.