130 | I Don't Feel Like a Holly Jolly Boy

The Christmas episode is here! Matt and Eric have to contend with a curse plaguing the episode when they get a little too close to the truth about the location of Santa's workshop. Then: a very special JINGLE GRIPES!

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Episode Transcript

Eric (00:01):
Matt, it's that time of year.

Matt (00:06):
I already know about Creedmas.

Eric (00:08):
Oh, bro.
Creedmus on December 29th atMaryland Live?
God damn, everyone should gettickets.
I definitely have some.
Yes.
You should all buy some and seeme there.

Matt (00:19):
Absolutely freaking lutely.
You don't really have tickets,right?
No.
God.

Eric (00:26):
I literally never dude.

Matt (00:28):
I don't know with you.

Eric (00:29):
No, Matt, I'm talking about the other time of year.
Honda days.
No, the other time of year.
I'm out of ideas.
Matt, I'm talking, of course,of the time of year when
packages get stolen off my frontporch.
Oh, really?
That's in the new house?
In the new house.
That's still an issue, though.

(00:50):
Still an issue, which issurprising because my house,
Matt, is well fortified.
Like we have a gi we our housedoesn't sit on street level.
Our house sits about eight feetabove street level and is
surrounded by a giant stonefucking wall.

(01:11):
Oh.
So like it's and it's likeyou're highly visible when
you're in our front yard.
Like you're you can be it'slike all downsides for package
thieves.
You go up there, everyone cansee you, the cars, the stoplight
can see you, you can be seenfrom and they stole a package.
They stole uh uh I I hope thatwhoever took my girlfriend's uh

(01:34):
face moisturizer and otherhydration products, may your
lips always be chapped.
Uh may your skin always beflaky.
Uh I'm I'm very glad theydidn't manage to steal my cat's
medicated food.
Oh, thank God.
Yeah.
But we were we were kickingaround, we were talking about

(01:55):
like, man, maybe we need to putlike a sign out there.
Something something funny andhumorous, but that'll also repel
package thieves.
Uh Alyssa was toying aroundwith the idea of putting a sign
that says, if you steal ourpackages, I will curse you.
Okay.

Matt (02:10):
Which which I which which will have, and I I just want to
make sure you understand this.
No effect.

Eric (02:17):
No, no, no practical effect on vis-a-vis prevention
of theft of packages.
She did rightly point out, andthis may be true.

Matt (02:24):
I'm just gonna assume no security system of any kind.

Eric (02:27):
No, no, no doorbell camera, no that's that's my
next.
Well, I wanted to get ring, butnow ring is gonna have start
like requiring everyone'sfucking personal information and
shit.

Matt (02:37):
Well, ring also sends shit to uh the police departments,
so don't I wouldn't recommendring.
Fuck ring.
But we could do with a camera.
I am a big fan of Simply Safemyself.
Could be a sponsor, could beSimply Safe.

Eric (02:50):
Could be a sponsor Simply Safe.
This is where we could hawkyour wares.

Matt (02:53):
This is where we could hawk your wares.
But I could be so good.
I am indeed a big fan of uh theSimply Safe.
Uh, I can give yourecommendations offline.
But back to the bits.

Eric (03:04):
But but the the point I'll give to curses, I will say
this.
It would be effective for ifthey see that sign and then
steal something.
Uh for weeks afterwards,everything that goes wrong in
their life, they might startthinking, oh shit, maybe I have
been cursed.
It gets inside their head alittle bit and might it might
prevent future recurrence, butit doesn't.

(03:25):
Because if someone's a piece ofshit enough to steal packages
off a front part porch, they'renot they don't strike me as
someone who gives a shit aboutcurses.
Have you considered thesomewhat classic uh smile you're
on camera?

Matt (03:42):
No, I was gonna say uh false package that is in fact a
glitter bomb.

Eric (03:47):
Oh, I have seen those the dude who does the glitter bomb
slash stink bomb slash noise.

Matt (03:53):
A stink bomb is always a good option.
Yeah, it's a lot of effort, butbut like that's well, I think
it depends how bitter you'vebecome.
Yeah, yeah.
Is the juice worth the squeeze?

Eric (04:06):
I I I want like I I find myself just circling back to the
thought.
Like, is there a sign?
What could I put on a fuckingsign that that would
meaningfully impact it?
Not not not erase thepossibility of a package theft
that's always there.
It's that it's the ever-presentthreats, the mountain lion of

(04:27):
the Christmas season.
But what sign, what could whatwords could I write to another
human being?

Matt (04:36):
Well, you could invoke Jesus.
You could put a sad Jesus likelooking down at the porch that
says like weeping.
I might not see you, but Jesusdid.
But but Jazzy's Christie, he ishe sees all up in your shit.
You could say that.
Or you could make it replaceJesus with another figure, like

(04:56):
Dolly Pardon.
Ooh, don't want to disappointDolly, do you?

Eric (05:01):
I didn't see it.

Matt (05:02):
But Dolly did.

Eric (05:03):
Dolly did.

Matt (05:04):
WW Uh D D P D.
Absolutely.
Well done, you.
You could just write that andthey'll just be confused.
Yep.
And unsure what to do, how toproceed.
What about a trapdoor?
Ooh, love a trapdoor.
False bottom to the stoop.
Put spikes under there.

(05:24):
Problem solve.
Yeah.
Problem solve a classic pit.
I mean, you may kill the UPSguy, but you know classic pit.
You know, in this economy, yougotta be on your toes, UPS guy.
In this economy.
What about a riddle?

Eric (05:41):
Ooh.
So like they can win thepackage?

Matt (05:44):
Yes.
Yes.
Gamify theft.
Gamify the theft.
If you want this package, youcan earn it justly by answering
these questions three.
And the sign just like rollsdown.

Eric (06:02):
Like they unfurl a s a scroll and and your prize is 24
cans of medicated cat food.
The twelfth day of medicatedcat food, etc., etc.
Somebody steals my cat's food,I'm gonna fucking lose it.
Well, that's not veryChristmassy.

(06:24):
If somebody steals my cat food,I'm gonna dress up like a
ghost, sneak into their housethree separate times, and
fucking lose it.

Matt (06:34):
There we go.
There we go.
Merry Christmas, everyone.
Now we're getting somewhere.
Well, hello, everybody, andwelcome to You Didn't Ask for

(06:57):
This.
It is the podcast that answerslife's least pressing questions,
and my name is Matthew Shea.
And my name is Eric Poho Hoach.

Eric (07:08):
Eric, how are you?
Oh man, my bells be jingling.
My my my are your holy's jolly.
Oh, my hollies are jollied.
My halls, son, are fuckingdick.

Matt (07:23):
Woohoo, you dirty girl.
Trees up.
Trees up, isn't it always?
I got two trees this year.
Yeah, you do.
Yes.
Timmy two trees over here.
Timmy two trees.
I got the fake tree that we goton a discount last year for the
front room, and then we got thereal tree upstairs.
Talk to me about the what's theheight on that tree?

(07:44):
I can't tell you because Ididn't acquire it yet, Eric.
You've broken the facade.
Ah you've broken the facade.
Completely undone you.
I am getting it.
What is arguably the mostreasonable question?
All you had to do was not ask afollow-up question.

Eric (08:02):
I'm gonna tell you about my tree.
Please do not ask me about mytree.

Matt (08:07):
Uh, but we'll we'll see, uh, we'll see how it happens
when that actually takes place.
I was trying to put myself inthe mindset of when this episode
comes out, which is like twoand a half weeks from now.
But yeah, so that's the plan.
But here we are.
Christmas imminent.
Imminent.
Approaching.
It is very close.

(08:28):
And so we have a once again aChristmas heavy episode.
Very Christmas forward.
Christmas forward.
We've got a couple of questionshere about a good old Saint
Nick.
And then, as we alluded to backin October, we have a Christmas
themed Google gripes foreverybody.
Jingle gripes.

(08:49):
Jingle gripes.
Uh, it it is truly, we almostcan't call it Google Gripes for
a reason we will get into whenwe get to the segment.
But uh the bones are there,kids.

Eric (09:04):
The bones are fucking there.

Matt (09:05):
The bones are there.
As as you may recall, Ericswept me in the Halloween um
movie department, absolutelyembarrassed me.

Eric (09:15):
And and Matt swore to come back at me with a vengeance.

Matt (09:19):
I'm gonna try, Eric.
I'm I am gonna try.
You can't come at me so fuckinghard.
I am I'm gonna give it mydarndest.

Eric (09:27):
But what bro gonna hurt me so bad, he's gonna have to get
visited by ghosts.

Matt (09:32):
You are, but the thing is, you're too smart, you're too
good.
Um, but uh we'll see.
Who can say?
Who can say?
First, when precisely doesSanta begin his route around the
world, that is.
Yeah.
So this, okay, first of all,Santa is real.

(09:54):
Santa's real, and before we goany further, Eric, I am pulling
up NORAD right now to see ifthey have any statistics.
Good man.
Of past uh of past trips.

Eric (10:04):
We could very well get into the physics of this,
because I don't want this toballoon into the larger
conversation of how is itpossible to fuck you.
Magic.
Christmas magic, Christmasgoddamn fucking magic.
Absolutely.
Sit down and eat your magic.
So, really, this is a questionof when for me, for me, when

(10:29):
symbolically is the best timefor Sam.
Like, what is the bet like thedude is is taking on Herculean
doesn't even begin to describethe task.

Matt (10:40):
Yeah.
I'm looking at last year, Ithink it's last year's map on No
Rad, where he delivered uheight billion one hundred and
eighty-six, six hundred andseventy-one thousand one hundred
and seven gifts, but I I don'tsee a starting place or time,

(11:00):
unfortunately.

Eric (11:02):
I guess for I guess it's actually good for us because
that's well here here's the mostamount of science I'm willing
to throw at this.
Oh, okay.
That is the closest population.
Oh, thank God no rad has awiki.
Let's see, list of northernmostsettlements, population zero,
population zero, populationzero, sixty-five.

(11:23):
Here we go.
Alert, Ellesmere Island,Nunavut.
Oh, none of it.
So this would mean that thatalert on Ellesmere Island in
Nunavut, Canada, thenorthernmost place with a
continuous year-roundpopulation.
This is brought to you byWikipedia.
Donate today, but no permanentresidence.

(11:43):
It's a military and researchstation.
Okay, so that's out actually.

Matt (11:46):
Well, uh according to the NORAD fandom wiki, yeah, what
route does Santa usually travel?
He usually starts at theinternational dateline in the
Pacific Ocean and travels west.
But that's not really truebecause he obviously starts at
his workshop.
Yeah, he he starts when heleaves the North Pole.

(12:09):
And that actually ties into oursecond question, Eric, uh,
today, which is where preciselyis Santa's workshop located?
Now we know it's the NorthPole.

Eric (12:23):
We know it's the North Pole, but I do have Yeah, that's
not enough, and I have thoughtson that.
Okay.
No, he starts when he leavesthe North Pole.
The North Pole is an all islike kind of an all-encompassing
turn for me.
The North Pole is his base ofoperations, it is where he
lives, it is where his sleigh iskept, and it is where the first
like cache of of toys are laiddown.

(12:46):
My going theory is that theNorth Pole is actually a network
spread across the planet, ofwhich the literal North Pole is
sort of like the situation room.
It's the oh, it's it's it'swhere like, and it is obviously
underground.
It is it is subterranean.
That is this is like wherewhere all intelligence is

(13:10):
gathered and collated for thecoming year.
Um, that's why it's in theNorth Pole.
Because, like, dude, in today'smodern age, nine billion people
on the planet, Santa's probablygot like actual databases set
up, like tracking people.
Yeah.
And you you have a databasethat's a good idea.

Matt (13:27):
We know he tr we know he tracks people, on uh at least on
goodness and naughtiness.
Yeah.
I'm pulling up Google Earthright now to see if that will
help us.

Eric (13:38):
And I'm slightly offended that people think that the only
thing Santa needs to track isgoodness and naughtiness.
That I think he knows innately,being by his nature magical.
No, but I think for morepractical reasons, especially
since uh in our very commerciallifestyles that we now live,
bro.
Are you tracking who got whatgifts already?

(14:01):
Billy wanted Billy wanted a newBMX.
Billy's BMX is Billy's dumb.
He forgot that he already has asix sweet BMX bike.
Like, you got to make sureyou're not doubling up gifts,
tracking where people havemoved.
Like, Santa's probably got alegion of little engineer elves
working under him, like dataengineers who are watching

(14:24):
trends.
Like to a certain point, youknow, if their models are
sophisticated enough, they canprobably predict with a
reasonable amount of accuracywhat someone's gonna ask for on
any given year.
Helps help start get things inmotion.
And that's why I think thislike like the North Pole where
he leaves from, I think it's acentral data center, not so much

(14:46):
uh literal, they're buildingbecause we know they don't
literally build the thingsunless they're building the the
Nintendo Switch box along with afully functioning Nintendo
Switch.

Matt (14:58):
Now, Eric, Eric, I I I I think I have some issue with the
fact that you're saying thatthe elves, whose sole purpose is
to make toys, are not actuallymaking them.
They're at least, at the veryleast, conjuring them.

Eric (15:11):
Yeah, that's what I mean.
Like, uh, but I don't thinkthey need for for logistical
purposes, I don't think theyneed to conjure them all at the
North Pole.
I think they have there's waystations all across the planet
where they're like, all right,Santa, you're gonna start here,
you're gonna start moving thisway, you're gonna drop off this
counter.
So this way, Santa doesn't haveto like Santa has to refill
toys.
He doesn't have to like go backto the North Pole every time.

(15:33):
You can just pick up a newcache.

Matt (15:35):
Yeah.
Also, I am discovering that theactual North Pole.
But that said, Santa's magical,he just has a magic bag.
Yeah, I agree with you there.

Eric (15:44):
Which, if he's got a magic bag that can hold all the toys
in the world, that kind ofprecludes the necessity.
I feel like, like, like if yougot magic that can that can hold
all the toys for planet Earth,then surely you have magic that
doesn't require the existence ofelves, unless the elves are
summoned by Santa's magic to dohis bidding.

Matt (16:02):
That could be.
Now, what is, however, Eric, uhuh bit disturbing to me, I have
just, and it is true, I'm gonnasay, just discovered that the
true North Pole is in the middleof the fucking ocean.
Um, and that's a real Oh, AquaBase.
That is that could really tellus something because it would be

(16:23):
easy to go over to now whatwhere did you say the the
northernmost habitable city tothe North Pole was?
Because to me, it's lookinglike Greenland.

Eric (16:33):
I'm looking for actual populated year-round areas.
So frig fjord settlements in inGreenland, population of zero.
It's a group of archaeologicalsites.
Let's see, zero, zero, zero,five.
Oh, Nord, okay, military andscientific base.
So that's not like reallyyear-round border facility.
I wanna I'm I'm trying to findsomething that's not a station

(16:55):
of some either I've lost you oryou've lost me.
No, population zero, populationzero.
What the fuck happened?
Okay, okay, here we go.
It's in Norway.
In Nyaslund, Svalbard, Norway.
Uh of course, not to leave themoff, uh Longyabiatin, Svalbard,

(17:19):
also Norway, population of2400.
So I think our dude's startingin Norway.
Oh no.
Oh, Matt, where did you go?

Matt (17:32):
This episode is cursed, I'm starting to think.
I'm thinking you cursed it bybringing in Alyssa and the sign
and the cursing.
I think that's I think you didthis.
Okay?
Either that or Google Earthdid.
But we we uh that I can't, Idon't think that it's ever
happened that we've gottenkicked off a call.

Eric (17:51):
No, yeah, folks, I was in the middle of laying down some
fucking truth about populationdensity in in the northern
hemisphere, and we got cut off.
Fucking cut off.
My boy got booted out, and Iwas in here alone talking to
myself.

Matt (18:05):
And just just to fucking move the curtain all the way off
the wall, we we restarted thestart of the episode at at least
once.

Eric (18:14):
Matt, I think we are also in the shadow of Mercury
retrograde.
So I think that is worthnoting.
That is worth bearing in mind.
But also my girlfriend couldhave low-key cursed you.
Yeah, probably.

Matt (18:29):
Oh, now it's me specifically.
Oh, bro.
I ain't let me tell yousomething.
I'm too blessed to be stressed,my man.
Never since the the audacitythat is Jair from the Neatcast
have I been this insulted.
Okay.
Geez La Wheeze.
Speaking of the Neatcast andthe holiday spirit, that's fresh

(18:51):
on mind because last night werecorded uh one of our their 12
rants of Christmas.
So go on over to the Neatcastand check it out.
My God, what a segue.
The gang's all there, by whichI mean me, Eric, Mike, and Zach
Deuce, and not Jair, the allegedthird host of the Neatcast, who

(19:12):
not only didn't appear on thispodcast, but hasn't appeared in
any iteration of their podcastthat I've been a part of.
And he won't tell me what Isaid that pissed him off.

Eric (19:22):
Matt, remember, you're my holly jolly boy.
I don't I don't feel like aholly jolly boy.
We'll get you there.
Oh.
Get you there, Matt.
I'll roast you chestnuts, baby.

Matt (19:34):
Oh my God, don't say anything you can't deliver on.
Call me an open fire.
Come on, don't don't be makemake it.
Don't be don't be talking to mynaughty list and then not
deliver a gift.
Underwater base.
Underwater base.

Eric (19:51):
Santa has an underwater base.

Matt (19:53):
No one has ever disc is the North Pole.
Is, god damn it, sometimes myMy my revelations, my epiphanies
they shock me into silence.
Yeah.
Does the North Pole's sunkenunderwater base is it Atlantis?

(20:13):
Is there anything out therethat says Atlantis can't be
Santa's workshop?

Eric (20:18):
Is is Santa Atlantis and are the Elves?
No, not Atlanta Atlantis.

Matt (20:24):
Is Santa's workshop Atlantis?

Eric (20:26):
Yeah, well, no, but like he would be king of Atlantis, so
he is Atlantis.
And the Elves would beAtlanteans.
Maybe Elf is the closestEnglish non-Atlantean equivalent
to what they are in Atlanteanculture.
Now we're fucking gettingsomewhere.
Now we're fucking cooking.
So Santa rules Atlantis with aniron fist.

Matt (20:49):
And I like to think that a la Thunderball, the the base
rises at at midnight in whatevertime zone's right there at the
international dateline.
It fucking comes up, or atleast a little, like a little
trapdoor of the ocean opens up.
Got it.
Got it.
Out flies the sled, triumphantas always.

(21:12):
And by the way, I haven'tneglected the iconography of
what Santa's workshop at theNorth Pole looks like.
Always snowy, always holly,always jolly.
That's what it's like.
Underwater.
Yeah, it's just like Sandy inSpongebob's bubble, basically.
Yeah.

Eric (21:32):
Is what I'm suggesting.
Massive dome.
Massive dome.
Big ol' fucking dome.
Big old dome.
Perhaps the world itself.
Like a snow globe?

Matt (21:41):
Fucking fuck.

Eric (21:43):
Is that perhaps where we get snow globes, Matt?
Ooh, baby, we are getting at itnow.
The fucking signs were allthere, and we did not listen.

Matt (21:53):
As a fucking wise man once said, now we're digging where
there's taters.
Now we're digging where there'staters, baby.
Come on, baby.

Eric (22:00):
Fucking give me them spuds.

Matt (22:02):
Groast those tots.
Listen.
Atlantis.

Eric (22:09):
Atlantis.
Fucking we all we're allgetting Atlantis pilled for
Christmas.
This is this is our gift.
This is it.
This is the only way.
So so where exactly is theNorth Pole?
Atlantis.
Underwater in a giant, what toour pedestrian eyes would appear

(22:30):
to be a snow globe.

Matt (22:31):
Yes.

Eric (22:32):
Yes.

Matt (22:33):
Yes, Eric.
Yes.
So we nailed it.
Now the when.
Now the when.
Okay, so we got the where.
His where it is precisely.
It is precisely at the NorthPole, I think.
It's just fucking underwater,baby.

Eric (22:46):
It's just fucking underwater.
Everyone's been looking on landlike a fucking idiot.
Like idiots.
But you gotta go out to theocean to be on the actual North
Pole.

Matt (22:54):
In the dead of night at the international dateline when
the door opens.
And also, if you try to catchthem, it's gonna be like the
island in lost.
You're gonna move around.
You're not, you're never gonnabe at the right spot to catch
it.

Eric (23:10):
No, they can they can sense you coming from a million
miles away.
And also if you try direct tothe naughty list.

Matt (23:17):
Oh, instant, irrevocably naughty.
Yeah, I mean, come on.
You're gonna try to dil delaythe delivery of eight tr billion
trillion gifts, whatever I itwas I said earlier.

Eric (23:30):
Because also, if you have the the the resources to
actually go to the North Poleand go to his underwater secret
lair, you know better.
You know better.
You know better.
A child could be forgiven, butyou don't ever see children
stumbling upon it because theycan't go to the underwater base.
It's too cold.

Matt (23:48):
They'll freeze to death.
We just revealed that Santa isessentially a James Bond
villain.
And you and you think he's notgonna throw your ass on the
naughty list, Craig.
And you seek to find this man,Craig?
Craig, let me tell yousomething.
He's not gonna want to be foundby you.
No.
Okay.

(24:09):
He wants to be found one placein the hearts of every child.
Yeah, and not in a fuckingwatch list Craig over here.
No.
Because that's what you'regonna do.
You're gonna be put on a watchlist for the way you, I assume,
covet Mrs.
Claus's body.
You covetous bastard.

(24:30):
Fucking Craig.
You're an inappropriate Craig.
When does Santa begin his name?

Eric (24:37):
When does Santa leave?
Sim okay, so here's myquestion.
Because because Earth, do weknow is the North Pole the place
that gets like unending days orunending nights?
That's gonna inform my answer.

Matt (24:57):
All right, Eric.
I'm on it.
I have the North Pole Wikipediapage open.
I got rid of Google Earthbecause I am a little suspicious
that that is what crashed thecall.

Eric (25:09):
Dude, he knew you were on to him.
He fucking that was the callwas coming from inside the
Atlantis.

Matt (25:15):
That was a warning shot.
That was a shot across the bow.

Eric (25:18):
Shot across the sled's bow, that was.
We we must tread carefully.
All right.
Let's just Google where isalways day.
I'll be on a rooftop.
The last click, click, clickI'll hear will be a gun being
cocked by an elf.

Matt (25:34):
It does say this is this is the AI overview, so so revolt
today.
The North Pole experiencescontinuous daylight for
approximately six months.
So yes, Eric, I would say thatthat is oh uh midnight sun, also
known as the polar day.

Eric (25:53):
Okay.
Okay.

Matt (25:54):
So I don't think I ever knew that midnight sun referred
to that.
I thought it was a poeticexpression.

Eric (26:00):
Yeah.
Like like like f like you know,m the morning star.
Yes, exactly.

Matt (26:06):
That's what I thought.
I'm a very naive man, Eric.

Eric (26:08):
Well, you were you are vi I mean, Matt, you can be
forgiven for not knowingAtlantean culture.
Thank you.
Yeah.

Matt (26:15):
So what is polar night then?
Polar night is the phenomenonin the northernmost and to
southernmost Earth where the sunremains below the horizon for
more than 24 hours.
This only occurs in the polarcircles.
The opposite phenomenon, polarday or the midnight sun, occurs
when the sun remains above thehorizon twice.

Eric (26:36):
So okay, because my answer for when he was gonna leave, I
was just gonna go for symbolic,like as soon as the sun sets,
but the sun never sets there.
So that time of year, no strokea stroke a midnight D25.
I think that's it.
But then my question becomesSanta, the sleigh is loaded,
everything is a go.

(26:56):
All he has to do is launch.
He reaches over, he pressesplay on on on his radio.
What song is he blasting?
He's not it cannot be aChristmas song.
What is what is Santa's, youknow, fortunate son?
Uh who?

Matt (27:11):
Oh, that is what a good way to put it, Eric.
Because everyone knows exactlyinstantly sets the vibe.

Eric (27:16):
What is his fortunate vibe?

Matt (27:18):
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Like, what is the oh no?
Oh no?
Oh, you're frozen on my end.
Wait, wait, wait.
Are you still there?
I can still hear you.
Yeah.
Okay, then we can we can stillgo.
I don't know.
I I'm gonna I I'm gonna have tostop going to other tabs, I
guess.
Yeah, I guess that's what didit.
I don't know what the fuckingproblem is.
Bro, it's the cur.

Eric (27:39):
Okay, Matt, uh, first you laid this curse at my
girlfriend's feet, but I'm justgonna point out this didn't
start happening until we startedapproaching the conclusion that
Santa rules Atlantis.

Matt (27:52):
I think the curse is also a warning shot.
I think uh I have been warnedseveral times now by God, who
is, of course, Santa.
Yes.
I have been warned by him thatI am getting too close to the
truth, and I'm here to say I'mdone with my tabs.
The tabs.
I'm close.
Look, I'm even gonna close him,Santa.

(28:12):
I'm even gonna ah shit.

Eric (28:16):
Oh bro, it got him.
It fucking got him.
Gang, he just he just dippedall he's he said the trigger
words.
He said the fucking triggerwords, and now okay, now he's
been disappeared.
Oh, he's back.
Absolutely fucking cursed thisfucking goddamn it.

Matt (28:32):
I mean, all I I I it's my fault clearly.
I'm getting too close to thetruth.
The truth is out there and I'mfinding it.

Eric (28:40):
I think, Matt, you are finding it.
I I want to believe, but I donot want the consequences.

Matt (28:46):
No, this is a cursed episode.
Somehow I'm gonna have to cutall this fucking bullshit
together.
But uh anyway.

Eric (28:53):
I think what we can safely say.
Uh well, A, I think we're we'removing away from discussing his
his location and motives, andnow we're just talking about
what is his fortunate son as helaunches himself.

Matt (29:07):
Santa, if you're listening, which we god, we know
we that you are, we are nolonger we we answered,
unfortunately, the question thatyou rule Atlantis.
That much has already beendisclosed, and there's nothing
we can do about it.

Eric (29:24):
Not nothing in the world.

Matt (29:25):
But we we will stop trying to figure out exactly when you
start your route, because Ithink the answer, Eric, is we
don't need to know.
We don't need to.
We don't need to, we can't.
Nope.
What is his fortunate son?
You think it can't be aChristmas song?

Eric (29:43):
Uh I don't think it should.
Because like I think about whatwhat does Santa just fucking
ball out to when he's in thecar?

Matt (29:52):
I think it's the Carol the Bell's vis-a-vis Trans-Siberian
Orchestra.

Eric (29:57):
Wait, you're telling me this entire Siberian orchestra
is trans?
Ah.

Matt (30:08):
Uh it's rude to ask.

Eric (30:10):
Now that would be a good one.
I would also, I would also, I Ienvision a carry on my wayward
son.
Oh, very interesting.
He could launch the Carol ofthe Bells, but like when he's in
the middle of his route andit's just like he's hitting that
wall, he's gotta throw on acarry on my wayward son in order

(30:32):
to keep to keep going.

Matt (30:34):
I what about let me propose to you this don't mess
around with Jim.
Don't mess around with Jim?
What is that song?
Oh, I I was worried you didn'tknow the song.
It's a Jim Croce song.
Mess around with Jim.
Just play it real quick in yourhead.
Yeah, yeah.

Eric (30:50):
I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna play it in my ears.

Matt (30:52):
I'm gonna give you like 30 seconds while I'm gonna and
audience, I'll tell you Eric'sexperience.
He's okay, he's bobbing, he'sweaving a little bit, and he's
not even driving.
He's got his arms in the air.
Doesn't really go with the vibeof the song, I don't feel.
But uh now he's re I can tellhe's in the beat.
He's shaking his chest at me.

Eric (31:12):
Matt, I've I've heard about 20 seconds of this song,
hard agree.
Yes.
This this has beginning of ajourney energy.
It has the beat of let's go.

Matt (31:22):
If if if there was a if there was a movie about Santa
Claus directed by Guy Ritchie, Ifeel like this would be like
this song, I will say, isprominently featured in a, I
want to say, season two episodeof Stranger Things.
And as of this recording, Ihave not started the new season,
so if you have, you shut yourgoddamn slightly.

(31:43):
I still need to finish seasonfour, so you're good.
That's very offensive to me.
I know.
I was Eric, I was in a goodmood there, despite the
technical difficulty.
Despite the curse.
I was fucking starting to feelit after the colostomy bag that
was the beginning of thisepisode.
And here we are.

Eric (32:00):
And here we are.
So we we know we know hisbeginning song is You Don't Mess
Around with Jim.
His gotta get through the wall,get over the wall is is carry
on my wayward son.
What's his North Poles on thehorizon?
He's he's he's in the homestretch, he's like gifts, or
he's like, he's pulling it, he'spulling into it pulling into
his driveway.

Matt (32:20):
It is it is a little cliche.
Gotta fly now.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Do you know gotta fly now,Eric?
I know, I know it.
It's the Rocky theme, Eric.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
But it does after the dun da,after that part, the actual

(32:41):
chorus is just gotta fly now,gotta fly now.
And just imagine that partblaring as he's or I give it to
me.
I fucking got it too.
Give it to me.
Give it to me.
The end of Symphony No.
9, Beethoven.

(33:01):
And I say that because it isowed to joy.
That is correct, Eric.
A U faith will join the chorusthat the Midnight Stars began.
Yeah, that shit has learned tobe.
I think it's just gonna cr itfucking crashes as he's like,

(33:22):
you know, coming in the homestretch.
He sees the mouth of his secretlair open in the ocean.
He's getting ready to do thatspiral dive.
Rudolph's already going up, up,up, up.
And we know we're about to geta great corkscrew dive into the
center of the fucking earth.

Eric (33:39):
Yep.
And and you and you know, likethere's there's a fucking,
there's like a uh uh uh elfAtlantean equivalent of air
traffic control down there.
Those are like, ooh, Kringleone, you are clear to land copy.

Matt (33:54):
Yeah, but it's it it would be more like this is ground
control, just come on down here,Santa.
We got you right here.
You're holly and jolly and goodto go.

Eric (34:01):
Yeah yes, yes.
That is the that is the flavor.

Matt (34:05):
Atlant Atlantis be with you.
Atlantis be with you, son.
You are our Lord and Savior.
Down you come.
Right there, you'll getdumbbell.

Eric (34:19):
None of us will dare to find you.
Come on to me.
Come on down.
I mean, he's gotta have a goodworking relationship with them.
You know, they could they couldlock him out.

Matt (34:29):
I mean, there's so many more of him, them though, he's
not stopping Santa.

Eric (34:33):
Yeah, they they are.
And we we've talked, I mean, wewe've discussed before the the
socio pol.
I mean, this actually does thismight warrant a circle back
follow-up.
It might.
Because the fact that they'reAtlanteans living in a snow
globe under the sea, that doeschange the arithmetic on a
couple of things.
Oh, I think I think there'sdire consequences I don't want

(34:54):
to project my terrestrial biasesonto water folk.

Matt (35:01):
No, please do not.
Please do not.
But here's what I'll say, Eric,as Santa has made his pencil
dive with the sled down into thetunnel to make its way back to
Santa's workshop, which isAtlantis, which is under the
North Pole in the ocean.

Eric (35:19):
Yeah.
Before the reindeer arecryogenically frozen until next
year.
You think that, really?
Yeah, they probably go intostasis pods.
They're they're normal, they'reabove ground creatures.
They're, I feel, I feel likethey're they gotta, they gotta,
they gotta go and they gotta gointo deep sleep.
They probably get thought out acouple months before, shake it
off.
Eric, I'll say this theory.

(35:40):
There's one reindeer doingpull-ups outside of his pod
while another reindeer'sthrowing up.
Ten to one, it's blitzing.

Matt (35:48):
Ten to one is blitzing, bro.
I'll say, Eric, this idea thatyou seem to have thoroughly
thought out.

Eric (35:58):
Yeah.

Matt (35:59):
Um absolutely wiped clean whatever it was I was going to
say.
It is it is gone from my brain.

Eric (36:09):
Just because now all you can see is blitzing, just
fucking clean.

Matt (36:13):
All I can see is a jacked-up blitzen with his with
his back hooves curled up behindhim so he doesn't touch the
ground, and jacked like akangaroo up top.

Eric (36:24):
Just lifting dancers walking into the hall, eating
some chow already, got a toweldraped over his shoulders.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
First wake up, kid.
You'll get it.
That's like the new guys likepuking all over the place.

Matt (36:40):
Yeah.
Oh man, you can make an entiremovie about that.
Oh man.
Damn, yeah.
I hope uh I d we haven't gottena plot for Ocean's 14 yet.
And by the way, Ocean's 14, incase you didn't know.
Um I'll say this.
I want it to be a heist of theNorth Pole's secret underwater
base.
I want.

(37:01):
Oh my god, they gotta theygotta steal the list.

Eric (37:03):
They have to steal the list, bro.
And that opens up like I thinkOcean's 14.
When we're on 14, we are at thepoint where crossovers are
perfectly allowable.
Cross it over with NationalTreasure.
Work together with NicolasCage.

Matt (37:18):
They are making an he is making another one of those too
with Nicolas Cage.
Oh shit.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay.
I don't know if they've evenremotely started doing
production, but I know NicolasCage said he'd do it.
Nice.
And what a good cinematictransition to Google Gripes?
Google Gripe?
I don't think we Jingle Gripes.

(37:40):
I think we have to go withJingle Gripes.
Jingle gripes.
And folks, the reason beingthat we discovered that right
before we recorded this, uh, inthe days between when we
recorded the Halloween episodeand now, Google has retired
their movie review section.

(38:00):
Wild.
You can't see it.
And now when you click reviews,the little bubble at the top,
it just brings you results forreviews of that movie.

Eric (38:10):
IMDB, Rotten Tomatoes, stuff like that.
Etc.

Matt (38:13):
etc.
So we had to get creativebecause we already promised you
a Christmas movie, GoogleGripes.
Uh I Eric, I legitimately don'tknow if we can do a Google
Gripes edition of moviesanymore.
I we were debating.
Do we go back to places?
Do we try something else?
I think the universe has toldus we we at least have to

(38:34):
change.
We must change.
And change we will.
And change we will.
But for today, we have gonewith individual sources.
Uh Eric went with IMDB reviews.

Eric (38:46):
Yes.
Yes.
Uh, and I'll say this for IMDB.
They do not lack any of theunhingedness of reviews.
No.
And in fact, because I guessbecause it's IMDB, uh the length
of the reviews is impressive.
Yeah, it's there'll be everybit is unhinged, but like
novellas.
I had to trim here and there.

Matt (39:07):
I um I went with letterboxed reviews, uh, all one
stars, of course.
Uh that similarly, plenty ofunhinged, if not more unhinged
behavior, which I was a littlesurprised uh to see in the
one-star section.
And I you didn't even knowabout letterboxed until
yesterday.
No.
Folks, it's basically goodreads for movies, and it's a

(39:28):
great time.
Uh, I find the reviews muchmore reliable.
And uh you can also like, youknow, uh track your movie stats,
which is something that appealsto me.
Anyway, Google gripes or jinglegripes is go ahead, Eric.
I see you with a bit there.

Eric (39:44):
Jingle gripes, jingle gripes.
Gripe me all the way, daddy.
No, keep it going.
Oh, what fun! No, you wanted todo this, keep it going on a
internet forum tonight.
Dashing through thepunctuation.
Paragraph breaks not in sight.

(40:07):
Oh, what fun it is to sortthrough their unhinged thoughts
tonight.
Hey.

Matt (40:14):
I don't remember saying stop.
Jingle gripes.
Jingle gripes.
Gripe gripe gripe gripe gripes.
Let that be a lesson to you.
Jingle gripes is a game that wesometimes play where we take a
real one-star, usually Googlereviews, and we uh try to guess
the movie they belong to.

(40:34):
Eric's got three, I've gotthree, three reviews each.
Mine are from Letterboxd, hisare from IMDB.
Googles are gone.
Got it?
Good.
Good.
Now, how do we do that?
How do we do this forHalloween?
We kept the results secretuntil That is right.

Eric (40:52):
Okay, good, good, good, good, good.
That's all.

Matt (40:54):
By which I mean we didn't say whether or not you got it
right is what I think Yeahoriginally.

Eric (41:00):
We just locked in the answer and moved on.
And at the end we revealed howright we were.
Precisely.
So shall we do that again?

Matt (41:07):
I don't remember who went first.
I think it was you.
I would say it's your honor.
Okay.
Then to you to read youreviews.
Yeah, you're gonna read mereviews first.
Oh, hold on.
We another part of the curse iswe both did the same movie.
Uh we have excellent taste.
We had a fail-safe for this uhby texting our movies to Alyssa,

(41:29):
and if we ever uh crossed itup, we both had to lose it.
So we had both chosen The SantaClaus as one of our films.
And I am upset to see it gobecause I had some funny fucking
reviews there.
Okay.
Okay.
I'm gonna go in the order Iwrote them down.
I don't know if these are uheasy to hard or not.

Eric (41:47):
Yeah, I I was I was I I found Div.
I was like, man, it's actuallyhard to call.

Matt (41:50):
So I just left them as is.
I that's what I did.
So I'm gonna go with the way Ithey came to me.
Okay, I'm ready.
First film, first review.
What you have to remember whenyou're watching this film is
that you decided to watch ablank movie.
Don't take it as seriously asactor did.
Okay.

(42:11):
Oh yeah.
Okay.
I guess I'm a hater, but Ireally did not care for this
rendition of blank.
Okay.
Okay, and your final review.
I don't like this one, but I dolike the other one.
The one where the red personturns giant.
That one's my favorite.
I don't like this one, only theother one.

(42:34):
Okay.
And those are your reviews,Eric.
And I can tell by the glintingthose fucking beautiful eyes of
yours, you know it.
I can tell.

Eric (42:43):
I have a good I have a good guess, and I'm just gonna
follow my spirit on this charge.
Follow your spirit, Eric.
I'm gonna write it.
Try Muppet Christmas Carol forGod, Harry, and St.

Matt (42:54):
George.
Okay.
I've written it down, Eric.
Your guess is locked in.
Movie one, you said MuppetChristmas Carol.
I would like my three reviewsnow.
Film one, not movie, film one.

Eric (43:09):
Um, it's movie.
Absolutely terrible.
Another example of a greatconcept ruined by execution.
The idea is pretty original,but the direction, the lead, and
the supporting cast are justhorrendous.
There was one word that meantwent through my mind all the way
through the movie.
Embarrassing.
I just felt embarrassed for thecharacters and the situations

(43:32):
they were put in.
They were just not funny.
I guess I was undecided aboutfamous actor.
I thought I liked him, but thismovie finally tipped me over to
the I hate him category.
Oh, interesting.
He's just not funny.
He's shouty and creepy.
His man child shtick is gettingreally annoying.
All the other actors in themovie don't even seem to want to

(43:55):
be seen on screen with himbecause they're that
embarrassed.
They're just there to collect apaycheck.
The whole movie is anundercooked mess.
Oh.
Review number two.
Like I said, these fuckers onIMDB wrote novels.
That was the pared downversion.
Jesus Christ.
So you didn't you're sayingthat review itself was pared

(44:17):
down.
Yes.
Review number two.
Didn't laugh one time.
Not once.
I thought actor was kind offunny on that one show.
If you by spoiler like pro tip,if you hear me saying that one
show or that one movie, that'sme filling a blank.
I got it, Eric.
Thank you.

(44:38):
He was kind of funny on thatone show, but he isn't funny in
movies.
I wasn't surprised other famousactor would be in something of
such low quality, but I was kindof surprised that third famous
actor would.
That actor should know better.
It tries to be funny, but fallsflat.
It tries to be heartwarming,but the try is faint and fails.

(45:00):
The love element is all butembarrassing for the lady in the
movie and unbelievable for theaudience.
Movies like this aren'tsupposed to be great art, but
they are supposed to beentertaining on at least a
childlike level, but this moviejust can't even manage that.
Don't waste the time with thisdud.
Oh my.
Third review.

(45:21):
Okay.
I have now watched this moviethree times and have yet to
crack a smile, much less laugh.
I know I sound like a masochistfor subjecting myself to this
punishment, but I just could notbelieve a popular movie could
be this bad.
Oh no.
I assumed I missed something,but every time I watched the
film, it seemed worse than thetime before.

(45:42):
Absolutely nothing imaginative,creative, or witty in this
entire film except for the briefbit with Peter Dinklage, who
can actually act.
Everyone else simplyembarrasses themselves, except
for the main actor, whoapparently cannot be embarrassed
because he continues to makeendlessly lame and boring films
and has yet to figure out whypeople like Belushi, Steve

(46:04):
Martin, and Bill Murray arefunny and he is not.
Picking old gum off a rail andputting it in your mouth is not
funny.
Wearing tights is not funny.
Belushi dressed as a samuraiwarrior is funny.

Matt (46:18):
Well, your decision to include Peter Dinklage's name uh
swayed for me.
Uh I had I was totally offbase, but you're obviously
talking about Elf.
Okay.
Okay.
That's my guess.
Put it down.
Give me a gold star right now.
Okay.
All right.
Are you ready for your secondfilm?

(46:40):
I am.
I'm not perfect, but at least Ihaven't sent my entire realm
into total chaos by hiding paperpaperwork in an acorn.
Review number two.
Okay.
Who said I can't wear myconverse with my dress?
Christmas edition.
Okay.

(47:01):
And your final review, Eric.
Aldovia wants to be Genovia sobad plus sign.

Eric (47:10):
What the fuck?

Matt (47:13):
Ah, yeah.
What the fuck?
Yes, Eric.
Yeah.
What the fuck?
Yes, baby.
Oh, what?

Eric (47:22):
I have nothing.

Matt (47:23):
Talk me through it.
Do you need them again, Eric?
No.
Paperwork in an acorn.
Yeah.

Eric (47:29):
Converse with a dress.
Yeah.
Aldovia wants to be Genovia.
So and I know Genovia is isWanda Maximoff's country from
the MCU.
Interesting.
Oh, wait.
No.

Matt (47:44):
Is it Genovia?
No.
I didn't even.
I'll I'll say this.
I didn't even know Sokovia.
I thought it was somewhereelse, listener.

Eric (47:54):
Genovia.
Oh my.
I fucking I'm gonna I'm gonnashoot a wild fucking shot.

Matt (48:00):
I swear to Santa if you get this.

Eric (48:04):
I'm gonna say Rise of the Guardians because it has Santa
in it, and I can't fuckingfathom what else it could be.

Matt (48:15):
Alright, Rise of the Guardians.
I've locked it in, Eric.

Eric (48:18):
Okay.

Matt (48:19):
That can't be right.
I've locked it in.

Eric (48:22):
I movie number two.
Movie number two.
Review number one.
There seems something wrongwith taking a classic story
that's innocent, riveting,dramatic, and 100% kid-friendly
story, and throwing in generousamounts of profanity and sexual

(48:45):
content.
Some Christmas movies don'tneed an 80s excess makeover, in
my opinion.
Oh, interesting.
80s excess.
Okay.
Review number two.
Mm-hmm.
I watched it just to havewatched it because I've seen
almost all the Christmas movies,and this one is on all the

(49:05):
lists of must-see Christmasmovies.
But I don't get why.
It's awful.
He starts off a rich narcissistand ends up a rich narcissist
who just decides to be a hero bybeing the center of attention
and grabbing a woman he treatedlike trash all along and
declaring she's finally worthyof him?
I don't know what redeemingqualities this movie has.
Is it supposed to be that themain character's horrendous

(49:30):
acting?
Is that what we're supposed tolove?
And that one character justbeating the crap out of him for
no reason?
Oh, interesting.
Is it supposed to be slapstick?
Review number three.
Slapstick.
Oh, interesting.
I can't believe that RichardDonner, director of George C.

(49:50):
Scott's excellent version ofBlank, directed this pile of
garbage.
This film had no depth and wasnot funny.
I read lots of reviews, mostlypositive reviews, and all I can
say is that we are all entitledto our opinion.
Sorry, people, garbage fromstart to finish.
Absolutely meaningless tripe.
Eric.

(50:12):
Did I hand it to you?

Matt (50:15):
No, I think I'm I think I'm actually at a at a bit of a
loss here.
Um 80s excess.
Richard Donner.
What Christmas movie did he do?
I mean, there's an argument tothat Lethal Weapon is a

(50:35):
Christmas movie.
80s excess, though.
I mean, uh, Lethal Weapon wasin the 90s.
We know this.
Apparently a classic story.
Famous actors slaps, beats thecrap out of him for no reason.
Sex profanity.
Starts off a rich narcissist,ends a rick narcissist.

(50:57):
I'm trying to think of otherRichard Donner movies.
Um, okay.
What I had two options beforeyou hit Richard Donner, and that
threw me.
The first was Bad Santa.
Oh, I have three optionsactually.
First was Bad Santa.
Okay.
The second was You've Got Mail.

(51:18):
And actually, uh before Ididn't write it down, but my
very first thought was that youwere being a real sneaky son of
a bitch, and you went with theSanta Claus three, the escape
clause.
Because you said that thingabout the man child, and I was
like, is he talking about MartinShort?

Eric (51:36):
Well, Man Child, that was early.
That was the first movie.
That's right.

Matt (51:40):
I'm sorry.
I'm getting things.
How false would it be if I didthe Santa Claus to you, though?
It would be funny.
And the last one that uh Ithought it could be earlier was
uh Scrooged.
Um I'm gonna go with Scroogedfor the 80s excess element.
I I I cannot remember if thatis a Richard Donner uh joint,

(52:02):
but uh time will tell.
So we're locking it in?
I'm locking it in.
Yeah, you're scrooge.

Eric (52:07):
I'm ready.
The Bill Mercury is my next mynext movie.
I'm no no no no no no.
All right, here we go.

Matt (52:12):
Yep.
Once they said he smelled likefish, I knew I couldn't get with
it.
Okay.
That's your review.
Yep.
Second review.
The last detail, if it sucked,a hallmark movie where people
are allowed to say fuck.
I didn't like this for somereason.
But I really really wish I did.

(52:36):
Frowny face.
I feel like such a a movieScrooge.
I'm way too hard on new movies,I know that.
But even when I havesubterranean expectations, I
still just can't connect toanything and find that nothing
sticks the landing.
But I don't think it's themovie's fault.

(52:57):
It it's my fault.
I just wish I could figure outwhy I felt this way.
I love lead actor.
I thought his performance wasvery good.
I did not like the new kid atall.
There was something just offabout him.
I hated the all the bro, giveme my weed, bro, dude, I fucked

(53:20):
your mom dialogue.
Very stiff and staged.
I don't like director, and Inever have, and I do believe
they probably ripped this scriptoff someone.
The whole thing was so hollow,and I and I felt like these
characters never bonded or eveninteracted in a way that felt
genuine and beautiful.

(53:40):
It was like a two-hour-longread of an ambitious student
film script.
Glad to have a new Christmasmovie to add to my holiday
rotation, though.
Me hating this will not stop mefrom re-watching it every year
for the same reasons I watchFred Claws, possibly the worst

(54:02):
Christmas movie ever made, orThe Family Man every year.
I love Christmas movies.

Eric (54:11):
This fucking poor guy.

Matt (54:13):
And that's your second review.

Eric (54:14):
He's hanging on by a thread.

Matt (54:16):
Final review Lazy Eye kept switching.
There you go.
Are you fucking kidding me?
Those are your three reviews.

Eric (54:25):
Oh man.
Smells like fish.
New Christmas New Kid keepssticking in my craw.
Lazy Eye.
What was that third one again?

Matt (54:38):
Lazy Eye kept switching.

Eric (54:40):
Lazy Eye kept switching.

Matt (54:41):
Oh, I think I've I think I've hit a film you haven't
seen.

Eric (54:46):
Probably.

Matt (54:47):
Is this well known?
I would say it's pretty wellknown.
Yeah.
Pretty well known?
Okay.
I'll give it, I'll give you anextra hint, Eric.
What?
I'm feeling generous.
Okay.
I would I would consider bestpicture nominees to be well
known.
Okay.
Would you disagree?
No.
Okay.
All right, just checking.

Eric (55:08):
I've got fucking nothing, Matt.

Matt (55:11):
Not a thing, huh?

Eric (55:12):
I've got not a goddamn.

Matt (55:14):
I mean, that's why I gave you the other hint because I I
do think it's kind of obvious ifyou know it, and if you don't
know it, you're not gonna knowit.
Which is, of course, what Iwant to do.
I wanted to cause you pain.

Eric (55:23):
I know, and it's working.

Matt (55:25):
Now, to be fair, I will say this was my about a half an
hour ago, I had to replace theSanta Claus.

Eric (55:32):
This was this was the stand, this was the the the the
stand-in.

Matt (55:36):
This this was the I had I was under a time crunch, so take
with that what you will.

Eric (55:41):
I'm so it sounds like this was a very recent movie in the
uh in the grand scheme ofChristmas movies.
It is a new say probably withinthe last five or six years,
maybe.

Matt (55:51):
All right, so go off of that, go off of the last five
years if you think New Kidimplies that this is like either
a reboot or a sequel.
Yes, and a new character oractor is entering the uh the
canon, the meta.
I oh you're toast.
He's toast, folks.

Eric (56:12):
I'm fucking I'm dumb.
Um put a put call me achestnut, I'm roasted.
God damn.

Matt (56:19):
Um, I'm I man, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna, I'm, I'm, I'm,
I'm gonna you gotta saysomething, Eric.

Eric (56:27):
I I I'm trying to think of anything that even approaches
anything I've just hearddescribed.
Uh you said lazy eye keepsmoving, and I keep trying to
think of Forrest Whitakermovies, and that makes me feel
bad.
Okay.

Matt (56:37):
Um God.
Lazy Eye, is it Lazy Eye KeepsSwitching?
Lazy Eye keeps switching.
I've given you that reviewthree times.

Eric (56:49):
Three times.
That one's the the one that'shaunting me the most.
I am not reading the middle oneagain.
I'm gonna no best picture.

Matt (56:56):
No, you know what?
I'm gonna say Jim Carries theGrinch.
Jim Carries the Grinch, as Ibelieve is the proper name of
that film.
What the fuck else can I say?
That's that uh that's all.
That's all you can assume aslong as you believe it is the
right answer.
Yeah.
I need my third movie, Eric,and I need it now.

(57:17):
All right, I'll feed you, babybird.
Open that mouth up.
All right.

Eric (57:26):
Um people like this because it, I am forced to
assume, reminds them of a timepast and Christmas the way they
like to think it should be.
And those are good things.
But those attributes havenothing to do with an honest
criticism of the film.
Few here actually rate it forwhat it really is, and that is a

(57:46):
collection of some of thepoorest writing and acting in
all of filmmaking.
Ooh, shots fired.
Even famous actor, not a greatactor, but one who is often
accused of being a great actorsince he is endearing, just like
this movie is.
It better not be my fuckingfirst guess, continue.
Is at his worst here.
If people really looked at thisflick without the romantic

(58:08):
viewpoint and with trueobjectivity, they would see it

for what it really is (58:11):
a complete waste of film.
Review number two.
Oh my.
The plot is good.
Famous actor is a fundamentallygood everyman, and and what?
The idea that life was worthliving is idealistic fantasy
hogwash.
Hordes of people now who arestruggling with lack of money

(58:32):
and despair are the real story.
This is a way for the moneyedpeople to keep the rest of the
herd in a fantasy realm of hopeso that they can keep hiring
checkout clerks and nursing homejanitors for peanuts.
I have watched this movie onand off for years and always
thought it hokey andunrealistic.
Only once, I think, did I watchit until the end, and I never

(58:53):
go it.
Mmm.
Review number three.
Horrible, full of depressionand despair, and a Christmas
tree thrown in at the end.
No thanks.
It's a wonderful life.
Yeah, okay.

Matt (59:11):
We're at the end anyway.
We are at the end anyway.
I am so mad that somebody hasthe audacity to suggest that
Jimmy Stewart is not a greatactor.

Eric (59:23):
We who have stood in his hometown beneath his very
statue.

Matt (59:31):
Anyway, all right, so let's go back through it, Eric.
Yes.
The uh we it's time for theresults show.
Okay.
Okay, so Eric, the first film Igave you was uh included the
reviews such as Don't Take It AsSeriously as the Actor did,
didn't care for this renditionof.
And you said Muppet ChristmasCarol.

Eric (59:54):
Yes, I did.
And that is correct, Eric.
So was the blank in the firstreview so Shama Kokai.
Yes, it was Shama Kai.
Shamakokai.
This is a Muppet movie.
Yes, this is a Muppet movie.

Matt (01:00:07):
Very good.

Eric (01:00:08):
Your first movie.
If you'll remember Man Child,Embarrassment, Famous Actors,
Pete Peter Dinks, which Ishouldn't have.
You should not have.
I was like, I was banking.
I was like, ooh, will heremember?
Because a lot of people forgetthat he was in that movie.
Oh, I definitely do not.
Um, you guessed Elf.
I did.
And you were correct.

(01:00:28):
Yeah, I knew it.
I don't mind saying that.
I knew it, Eric.
And from here on out, I do notfeel I do not fancy my chances.

Matt (01:00:36):
Your second guess, Eric, was uh for film that includes
things of sent my entire realminto chaos by hiding paperwork
in an acorn.
I can't wear converse with myJess.
I'll dress Aldovia wants to beGenovia.
So bad.
You said Rise of the Guardians.
Yeah.
A chaotic guess, to say theleast.

(01:00:58):
Yes.
Genovia, Eric, is the kingdomfeatured in the princess
diaries.

Eric (01:01:08):
Oh shit.
A movie famous.
I've never seen it.
Oh, Eric, that is a sin.

Matt (01:01:14):
That is a sin.
This Eric is uh a recent film.
A recent, more recent film.

Eric (01:01:21):
Wait, wait, wait.
Oh, do you want to get yoursecond movie?
Or are we just No, no, no.

Matt (01:01:24):
I'm telling you.
This You just gave me yoursecond film.
I haven't told you what it isyet, Eric.
No, no, I haven't revealed ifRise of the Guardians is
correct.

Eric (01:01:33):
Oh, oh, sorry.
When you said the PrincessDiaries, I thought that was the
movie.

Matt (01:01:37):
No, no, Eric.
Oh, okay.
Genovia wants to be Aldoviawants to be Genovia so bad.
Genovia is the kingdom featuredin the Princess Diaries.
Aldovia is the pr is what'sfeatured in this canon.

Eric (01:01:56):
And what movie is this?

Matt (01:01:57):
This was a more a semi-more recent film, although
it is older than you or I wantit to be.
Okay.
It was a viral hit, so I do saythat it is a well-known movie.
Eric, this is a ChristmasPrince.
Oh my God.
I really, I really thought thehiding paperwork in an acorn was

(01:02:19):
gonna do it.
I'm not gonna lie.

Eric (01:02:20):
I've never seen I I've also never seen Christmas
Prince, but I am intimatelyfamiliar with its impact in the
zeitgeist.

Matt (01:02:26):
It is very bad, and believe it or not, it came out
in 2017.
Oh my god.
Uh it is it is a bad movie.
It has two purposefully badspin-offs, which make them not
as good.
Uh, but the first one is adelightfully awful, awful film.
Okay.
Okay.

Eric (01:02:44):
Um uh for for your second movie, Matt.
So this was the one taking aclassic story, kid-friendly,
sex, profanity, oh, 80s excessfunny, yeah, 80s success, Jim
Belushi dressed as samurai.
Uh, you guessed Scrooged?
I did.
You weren't sure if that was aRichard Donner film.

(01:03:04):
It was not.
You were correct.
I was Scrooge.
Yes.
Why?
It is a Richard Donner film.

Matt (01:03:10):
At least according to this review, it is.
I thought that was just uh shotup into the ether.

Eric (01:03:15):
Yeah.
They were talking mad shitabout Bill Murray in those
reviews.

Matt (01:03:18):
Yeah, I bet they were.
I bet they were.

Eric (01:03:21):
Uh and your final film.
So so far we're we're we're twoto one.
We're two to one.
I would need to get this right,and you would need to get it
wrong in order to tie.

Matt (01:03:32):
In order to tie.
But that's something somethingtells me that won't be the case.
You said Jim carries the Grinchfor this one, Eric.
Yes, I did.
It included the review aboutsmelling like fish, it included
the review about the lazy eye,which kept switching, and the uh
big long existential crisisreview.

(01:03:54):
Yes.
Eric, the lazy eye was notreferring to Forrest Whitaker's
real eyes.
The character in question had alazy eye.
Okay.
And it did it was mentioned thatthis same character smelled
like fish.

(01:04:15):
It's me it's mentioned a coupleof times, as I recall.
Okay.
Uh, Eric, this film wasnominated for Best Picture.
It is a well-known movie, Iwould say.
And I was this is my newer ad,but I I have no doubt you've
heard of it.
This is The Holdovers, Eric.
Uh Paul Giamatti, or as I'msure you'd like to say, Paul

(01:04:37):
Giamatts.
Uh, yeah, it's a very it's ait's I I quite enjoyed it.
I thought it was a delightfulmovie.

Eric (01:04:45):
I think if nothing else, I've gotten a list of movies I
need to go fucking watch.

Matt (01:04:48):
Yeah, add the holdovers uh 2023.
Yeah, I thought it was adelightful little new addition
to the Christmas movie canon.
Well, Matt.
Yeah, we here we are.

Eric (01:04:59):
Matthew! You guessed for the third movie.
It's a wonderful movie.
It's a wonderful one.
It's a wonderful life.
It's a wonderful life.
I'm not even gonna fuck.
Yes, it's a wonderful life.
You did already do it.
You simply go, yeah, maybe.
Yeah, it's a wonderful life.
Matt, three to one.
Three are the winner winnerturkey dinner, because it's

(01:05:21):
Christmas.
Or ham.
Or ham.
Or lamb.
I've never fathomed anyone whodoes turkey dinner for
Christmas.
It's it's a ham.
Yeah, it's always ham.

Matt (01:05:30):
I was gonna say rib roast.
But I don't I don't understandwhat you're saying.
But I will say this, Eric.
You still, you still managed todunk on me a little bit because
at least you got one.
I got one! I didn't even get oneduring Halloween.
But but but a clean victory,man.
A clean fucking sweep.
And uh three babe.

(01:05:52):
But I'll say good reviews allaround, Eric.
Good one.
Yeah, good reviews.
Excellent.
And that'll about do it, folks,for this special Santa edition
of You Didn't Ask For This,which means we do need your
questions.
We need them desperately.
Not for the next episode,though.

(01:06:12):
That's the bingo sode,everybody.
Yeah, baby.
That will be the bingo sode for2026, Eric.
If you can fucking believe it.
Time isn't real.
Time is not real.
I refuse to believe it.
Uh, but we do need yourquestions.
Send them to us at you didn'task for this at gmail.com, all
spelled out, or the letter youdidn't ask pod on Instagram and

(01:06:35):
elsewhere.
That's the letter you didn'task pod.
Or you can drop them in thefucking Discord, the dafts
chord.
Eric, knock it out.
How do they get there?
What do they need to pay us?

Eric (01:06:47):
You go to patreon.com slash you didn't ask for this.
Uh, the one dollar tier getsyou access to our Discord, uh,
where it be hopping.
We have an orgy dome.
Tell come on it, pop it on payyour dollar.
Come on, decorations.
Orgy are up in the orgy domefor Christmas.
Decorations are up.
Tell us what you're bringing.
Uh for four dollars a month,Matthew.

(01:07:10):
Just four.
For four dollars a month.
I bought a coffee today thatwas $4.20, if you believe it.
Less than a latte, baby.
Uh this was just a fuckingdrip.
Less than less than the cost ofa drip.
Uh, you get access to theDiscord, you get access to
monthly bonus content in theform of oops, all tangents.

(01:07:35):
And you get 20% off of all yourDAF merchandise in the
merchandise store.
My God.
And we might be having newmerchandise coming in the far
flung, nearish, maybe it's if wesquint just right, future.

Matt (01:07:53):
Future, yes.
It all depends on how much freetime I have over the month of
December.
Again, we are recording thisabout two weeks in the past.
But listen, folks, that iscoming up on you didn't ask for
this.
It's a little bit of a tease.
You just have to trust us thatuh we have things in motion.
I know the website looks likeshit.

(01:08:15):
I'm well aware of that.
It causes me great anxiety, butI don't have the time to fix it
right now.
Okay, I'm getting to it.
He's got stuff on his mind.
You'll fucking see, okay?
You'll see why I'm distracted.
You'll see everything will bemade clear.

Eric (01:08:30):
All will be made clear.

Matt (01:08:32):
All will be made clear.
Just hang on, audience.
Stop hassling me.
God, he's working so fuckinghard.
I'm not a man to be jarred.
That is a reference to theNeatcast rant episode.
That was a good cut.
That was a deep cut.
That's a reminder to go there.
My voice is getting tired fromdoing this and immediately prior

(01:08:52):
having been recording anaudiobook, so we have to wrap
this bullshit up.
So for all of us here, youdidn't ask for this.
My name is Matthew Shea.
My name is Eric Poach.

Eric (01:09:03):
And listen, you didn't ask.
Atlantis is real.
Santa rules Atlantis, his elvesare Atlanteans.
Please spread the truth.
Do not I got again.

Matt (01:09:13):
And we're right at the end.
Did you just become Bane?
Is that what you chose to do atthe end?
No, that was that was San thatwas Santa Claus podcast.
It sounded like ho ho ho.
You you merely adopted thejolly.

(01:09:34):
I was born to it.
Mold molded by it.
It's always the same.
Anytime we do this impression,it's always the same fucking
line.
By the time I had milk andcookies, I was already a man.
It was nothing but blind.