96 | This is Your Captain Speaking

In this episode: 

1. What is the order of operations at a buffet?
2. What is supporting character energy? What would be a "supporting character moment?" 

We tackle these timeless questions before concluding Round Two of this season of Google Gripes. 

Join our Patreon!

What's included?
$1/month = YDAFT Punks

• Access to the YDAFT Discord

$4/month = YDAFT Giants

• Access to the YDAFT Discord
• 20% off all merch (coming soon!)
• And exclusive access to our new monthly bonus episodes..."Opps! All Tangents!"

"Oops! All Tangents" is a shorter, question-free episode dropped on the first Friday of every month. We'll tell longer stories, take deep dives into specific topics, and do all sorts other fun things we can't fit into our regular episodes. Join us!

Go to https://www.patreon.com/youdidntaskforthis to become a member!

We're on TikTok now! Go see our dumb faces!

Submit your least pressing questions, local legends, definitive rankings, neighborhood group drama, and whatever else you want us to cover at [e-mail] or @udidntaskpod on TikTok, Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook.

You can also leave us a voicemail on The Thoughtline at [phone] and we might just play it on the show!...

Episode Transcript

Matt (00:00):
what?
Oh god, how long have we beendoing this?

Eric (00:05):
uh hey gang, thank you for joining us.
Uh, matt and I have been ohwe're just going.
Oh yeah, we're we're oh youjust want to start.
We're just in it now okay, wegotta, we gotta start paddling
it has been 32 minutes thatwe've been sitting been 32
minutes trying desperately toclaw a cold open out of the

(00:28):
calcified remains of our minds.
We've just been sitting herestaring at each other offering
the least funny things.
I've had a suggestion.

Matt (00:48):
It has been something supremely.
Yes.
I just said to eric.
I was like well, what abouthave you had any interesting
dreams lately?

Eric (00:52):
and he proceeded to tell me the most traumatic fucking
shit my one pitch just to kindof give a level for how, like
bottom of the barrel, we'refucking scraping right now.
My pitch is gonna be my funnystory about how I got woken up
the other day.
Uh, first day I'd slept in inlike a week and a half and it's
my brother going.
Hey, I need you to drive to momand dad's house because no one

(01:14):
can get a hold of them and noone knows where they are and
they might be dead, great.

Matt (01:19):
And then that's great eric panic driving to fucking like
yeah, that's just great.

Captain Matt (01:26):
And then they're fine, this could be someone's
first episode.
Yeah.

Matt (01:30):
And this is what you're beginning with.

Eric (01:32):
Welcome to the show.
My parents are alive and well.
Yeah, so says you, and theyforgot to text my grandma to
tell them they were leaving tohead to her house.
Okay, Well.
So that's where my life's at,that's where the funny is now
for me.

Matt (01:50):
That's just great.
And you know, lindsay's hadCOVID for the last week.
Somehow I managed to dodge itup until this point anyway.
So, but neither you know,that's neither here nor there,
because we've just been stuckinside.
So nothing's happened to me,nothing's happened to me,
nothing's happened.

Eric (02:05):
and matt, we have the entire breadth of huge of two
human experiences and are like,combined, over half a century of
experiences to pull from and wehave here we go, here we go.

Matt (02:19):
I got it.
Oh, what do you got?
What do you got?
What, what, um, what, what'sbugging you?

Eric (02:25):
that's dog shit damn it.
That's trash, damn it, we aretrash.

Matt (02:30):
Fuck this podcast how dare you say that about my podcast?
I'm sorry, I'm sorry I wouldnever insult your podcast this
way.
That was the cold open talking.
Oh you, this is how cold we'regoing.

Eric (02:44):
What happens in the cold open stays in the cold open.
I thought we agreed to this.
It's like international waters.

Matt (02:52):
You can't cancel me for things I said in the cold open,
I think actually, statistically,probably many people have heard
only a cold open and said no,fuck these two guys we don't
even publish the cold open inthe episodes I really wish you'd
listen to the show every nowand then, every now and then.

(03:12):
I'd wish you'd.
You know what?
What do we start?
Do we just start this thing?
Yeah, that wasn't funny.
People are gonna be like oh,comedy podcast, let me turn.
Oh, it's two fucking bros andthen no intro music.
Oh, this is how they start, asjust a complete clusterfuck of a
stumble through, talking overeach other, complaining about it

(03:34):
.
Neither one of them knows anystory of any kind.
This is us now.

Eric (03:38):
This is who we are.

Matt (03:40):
Okay.
Well, this is episode 96.
Everybody roll the music.

Captain Eric (03:43):
Let's fucking go.

Matt (04:00):
Hello everybody and welcome to you.
Didn't Ask For this the podcastthat answers life's least
pressing questions.
My name's Matthew Shea.

Eric (04:09):
My name's Eric Poach.

Matt (04:11):
Eric Poach.
How are you?
This fine, fine insert time ofday here.

Eric (04:16):
I have never been more relieved to be past the cold
open.

Matt (04:19):
Oh, my God.

Eric (04:19):
That was a nightmare.
Now that we're past it, we'regood.
We're good, we were talkingabout that during the little
meltdown back there is thatwe're good, we're good, we were
talking about that during the.
The little meltdown back thereis that we're like everything
else is fine, we know exactlywhat to do for everything else
that's all in place we've got.

Matt (04:33):
Maybe this will allow us to get to more than one question
for yes, for the first time,yes in some episodes, because
last time we had our bingo cardcheck-in, yeah, which is very
important.

Eric (04:46):
But it's been a while since we've done more than one
question.

Matt (04:50):
We got to get down to the.
You know, jeffers helped us out.
We got through multiplequestions there, obviously, but
you know, left to our owndevices.

Eric (04:58):
No, it's been a struggle Completely irresponsible.
Why?

Matt (05:00):
don't we just jump right in Now, eric?
The first question here, Ibelieve, comes from someone near
and dear to your heart, so whydon't I let you take the first
question?

Eric (05:10):
it comes from my beloved.
It's at dough babe on instagram.
That's my girlfriend, uh, her.
Her question is and and this isthis is very topical, because
we enjoyed this experience forthe first time in like over a
decade what is the buffet orderof operations?

(05:31):
Now, it has been asked of me toclarify, to put a very
important qualifier on thisquestion, as to what kind of
buffet I'm talking about.
This is an all-you-can-eatbuffet?
Yes, I was going to ask, butspecifically it is the hibachi
style buffet, the chinese buffet?

Matt (05:48):
oh sure, not your golden corrals, not your country
kitchen buffet what aboutbreakfast buffets oh you know,
hotel, oh hotel hotel okay,although it's been so long since
I've been in a hotel that had abuffet style breakfast.
It's like all continental nowor not existent yeah continental

(06:12):
or bus or continental or bust,like we just stayed in new york
not too long ago and our go-tohotel we like for many reasons
location, price, etc.
But it does not have abreakfast option and this is
stupid.
They only gave you know thelittle hotel coffee makers that

(06:32):
seemingly exist nowhere else inthe world yes they gave me only
one pod for that coffee machineand I'd say, shouldn't you give
me at least two for the factthat there's at least a night?

Eric (06:47):
Yeah, I'd say two minimum, Two minimum Three is showing
bare consideration for anotherhuman being.

Matt (06:56):
Yeah, I had to like call up and they had to send a man to
bring me more.
And then he didn't.
He brought me cups and I waslike was like, no, I'm good on
the cups, golden on cups.
I mean I'll take them, I guess,but I need the coffee.
And then I guess he just wantedto make sure his bases were

(07:16):
covered, because the next thing,you know, he came up with a bag
full of these pods creamersugar splendor, like napkins,
like a whole trash bag full ofthese pods, creamer sugar
Splenda, like napkins, like awhole trash bag full of shit.
To make sure you didn't have tocome up again, that would have
been a fine story.
I could have expanded to be acold open.
That would have been a coldopen.
Look at that.
Anyway, do we need to break downthese different buffets?

(07:38):
But regardless, I think I havethe first step and I think it
applies universally to allbuffets.
Ooh, hit me with this universalfirst step.
You must observe the buffet,you must take stock of what is
in the buffet before you begin.
And I say this because,specifically, what comes to mind

(08:01):
is a breakfast buffet, because,as we all know, what is sitting
at the end of a breakfastbuffet?
Always, it's always at the end,the bacon.

Eric (08:13):
Yeah, they always put the good shit last.
Because breakfast buffet.
There's no real option fororder of operations, it's just
everyone's going down the line,everyone's going down the line.

Matt (08:24):
But you've got to either save room for that bacon on the
plate.
Operations, it's just,everyone's going down the line,
everyone's going down the line.
But you gotta say, either saveroom for that bacon on the plate
or you gotta be the guy whobreaks the the code and go to
the bacon, then come back do youtoast bread at the breakfast
buffet?

Eric (08:38):
and what I mean by that is are you the guy that like,
creates like a sort of backup atthe bread section because
you've put your bread on thatlittle little conveyor belt that
goes to the little roaster carwalk?
You know what I mean the little, the little, oh yeah, that we
had at college yeah, yeah, no,no, I'm not that guy.

Matt (08:58):
Um no, no, no, no, if there's a scope.

Eric (09:01):
You gotta feel that out.
It's like a vibe.

Matt (09:03):
Yeah, if there's a breakfast buffet to be had, I
will, as I said, take stock tosee what my options are and then
go down the line with a gameplan.
But if there is a step involvedthat's going to potentially
create an anxiety situation,which is to say making anyone

(09:24):
else wait on me I'm looking atyou, waffle maker.
Yeah, I, I'm skipping that.

Eric (09:33):
I occasionally I'll do the waffle maker, but I have to
first look around and be like itdoesn't look like anyone's got
waffles on the mind thebreakfast buffet waffle maker is
always such a roll of thefucking dice because you do not
know if that, like, when's thelast thing, that when's the last
time that thing's beencalibrated, sure is it up to

(09:56):
code, and is it?
Does it even gonna?
Is it even gonna cook thewaffle you like?

Matt (10:02):
you've got to like build in time to run a test waffle and
then who's got, so you canlearn the how long it's got it,
because sometimes you gotta stopit early, you know, or
otherwise it's gonna burn if yougo the whole time.

Eric (10:15):
Yeah yeah, they the waffle , the waffle maker factory I.
I think there's a certain pointin the process where they just
kind of like randomize all thesettings and wish us the best of
luck.

Matt (10:26):
Can I tell you something?
Yeah, to get away from thebreakfast buffets for a second.
Yeah, I don't think I've everbeen to an old country buffet
You're not missing anything.
I don't think I've also been toa Golden Corral, and that is
saying something, because myin-laws love Golden Corral.

Eric (10:43):
So Golden Corral.

Matt (10:47):
Lindsay and I have managed to dodge the bullet over and
over and over again.

Eric (10:49):
Golden Corral is simultaneously the best and
worst things about this country.

Matt (10:57):
Oh, okay, so like You've made me interested.

Eric (11:01):
Like Matt.
What if I told you there was afondue fountain and you could
have as much as you want, aslong as you were okay with the
non-zero chance that there's aband-aid floating in there?

Captain Eric (11:13):
what if I told you what kind of?

Matt (11:14):
band-aid used.

Eric (11:17):
Yeah, okay yeah, dog, I was hopeful it just is throw
complimentary band-aids into thefondue just to get.
You.

Matt (11:25):
Never know, maybe this supply surplus, you know, they
just gotta get them out of therematt, what if I told you there
was.

Eric (11:32):
There was just like rows and rows of like all kinds of
sumptuous, delicious treats, allat the exact height the
children can run up and just runtheir hands into them and like
and like, fuck that's why you'renot.

Matt (11:45):
That's why I don't selling me on it.
I don't like golden crown.
I don't think anybody does.
Now this does remind me and I'mgonna make a confession.
I'm gonna be confessing to you.
Maybe this is a you daft andafraid for the future.
I've never been to a WaffleHouse.

Eric (12:00):
I've never been to a Waffle House.
You've never been smothered,covered, chopped, capped.

Matt (12:10):
I have, just not in a Waffle House.

Eric (12:13):
Hey, hey, come on.

Matt (12:15):
But hey, that Jonas Brothers song is great.

Eric (12:18):
I love it.
We are 100% doing a.
You Daft and Afraid in WaffleHouse that feels so on brand for
us.

Matt (12:26):
It kind of does, but like I am afraid, I've been
conditioned to be afraid ofwaffle house I think unfairly so
.

Eric (12:35):
Oh, interesting, and and that that we'll talk more about
waffle house.
But let's, let's get down tobrass buffets yes, we've gotten
so off topic almost immediatelyso order of operations.
In a buffet, and again toclarify, elissa's specifying a
hibachi, chinese style buffet,uh, which, like I don't know
about you, but in my 20s, whenmy metabolism was just it's.

Matt (12:59):
It's been a hot minute since I've run into one of these
buffets.
They we.

Eric (13:03):
We went to one recently for the first time in like a
decade they have not changedokay good they are they are the
first thing I'm putting on there.

Matt (13:12):
We gotta say something that's related to the question.
The first thing I'd put in inthat situation is probably two
egg rolls so, so you get it.

Eric (13:22):
So here's.
Here's some of my hot takes.
Okay, there are windows forfood experiences at the hibachi
buffet.
Okay, your window is so.
So when you first arrive, yeah,and you're, you're, they're,
they're, they're checking youout and they're asking if
everyone's getting a drink.
And everyone is getting a drink, who the fuck goes to a buffet

(13:44):
and doesn't get a drink?
Yeah, congratulations, you werein your first window.
This is your window to get soup.
If you're going to get soup,like hot and sour egg drop
wonton, what have you?
You're getting it now.
Well sure, I have no respect foranyone who's like halfway like

(14:05):
elbow deep into a buffet mealand then they're like maybe now
I get soup.

Matt (14:07):
No, no, I don't think you get soup now.
No, that's, that's because youwant to know why, eric?
That's why they offer soup andsalad at the beginning of a meal
, because it's essentially anappetizer, it's a first course,
traditionally, yeah.
So yeah, you got to have thatbefore you put because you don't
.
First of all, you can putadditional liquid into the
liquid pit that is your stomach,yeah, and then add other things

(14:30):
toppings, if you will, a littlecrunchy, crispy noodle thing to
the stomach, soup.
But once you add toppings,which is to say food, and then
add more liquid, the stomachdon't like it.
No, tommy, don't like that atall.
Stomach gets upset about it.

Eric (14:48):
Stomach is mad, it's pissed now Pissed, so you open
it with some soup.
Yeah, now for me what happens.

Matt (14:56):
I'm going to back you up for a second.
Is that universal?
Like you are getting soup nomatter what, no, no, no.
That's why I say it's a windowof opportunity if you're, if
you're, if you're gonna get soup, yeah, no, no, I heard you.
I heard you.
I'm just this is the timeunderstood, but you seem to
imply that you eric poach, getsoup is your first step always,

(15:20):
and that's something I don'trespect.

Eric (15:22):
I don't't always get sued, okay, but if I do, it's going
to be like honestly.
Here's what I do.
Here's what I do.
Tell me, um, because you knowall the very first thing before
any food is involved is I just Idon't here.
Here's my question for you.

Matt (15:40):
You're at a buffet.
I wish I was at this point.
I'm getting so fucking hungry.

Eric (15:45):
Your server has your cups.
They're they, they're they've,they're taking your drink order.
I don't know about you.
I, once I have line of sight onwhat my table is.
They're like, oh, they're likeshowing me.
They're like oh, that's, oh,that's my table.
Thanks, I'm off, I'm off.
I the next, when I first sitdown at the table I will be

(16:06):
eating at, I will already havefood.

Matt (16:08):
And I have a place.

Eric (16:09):
I'll have a plate or a bowl of.
You don't even go to the table.
I I will.
At most the server Is it.

Matt (16:17):
Where are you going, that the server is not leading you to
the table.
That's so we'll get led to thetable.
I won't sit down, okay, sure,that's fine.

Eric (16:29):
You made it seem like, oh, let me, uh, let me see where my
table is, and you were like nopoint to it if it's, if, if they
have to take my drink order, Iwill have to go to the table so
the server can take my drinkorder.
But if it's like one of thoselike self-serve, like soda
fountain situations, I'll belike dog, I'll see you in a
minute.
I'm I just, I just need to knowwhere I need to end up.
Yeah, and in those cases I will, I will go get, I will go get

(16:50):
soup.
Or if I don't get soup, I willmove on to the next phase.
And this is so.
This is it's not a specificitem, because this is a general,
what I call a strafing run.
Okay, so what I'm doing?
This is the part of the buffet,this is the most fun part.
This is where I'm going aroundafter I've done my initial like,

(17:12):
because if I'm going to getsoup, this is also when, like,
I'll do like a wide arc, I'llcheck out everything.

Matt (17:18):
Yeah, see all the options.

Eric (17:19):
Look at all that Yep yep, eyeball that, okay.
Yep, yep, eyeball that, okay.
Noting that, get some hot andsawy soup, throw some crispy
nudes and we sit down.
But then when I do my strafingrun, that's where I go back to
all the things that piqued myinterest.
I get a little bit of like afuck sure, of course, and then I
and then I come down, I comeback, I got my little plate and

(17:40):
this is where I'll like I'll,I'll eat a little bit of all the
things I tried, and this is atthe point where I need to lock
in.
Yeah, I'm going to zero in onone or two things that I fucking
loved and I'm just going tomash that button down as hard as
I can.

Matt (17:59):
Eric, I am 100% in agreement.
I'll get a little bit ofeverything Because, first of all
I know it makes me a basicbitch but my go-to Chinese dish
if we're ordering from a newChinese place, my assessment of
this place will be based ontheir sesame chicken.

Eric (18:18):
Oh, mine's based on their Singapore noodles.

Matt (18:20):
It will be based on the sesame chicken, so I will have
to get some sesame chicken justto see what we're working with
here.

Eric (18:28):
Just to get a baseline of expectations.

Matt (18:30):
Is it a piece of gum or does it have a nice crispy
outside?

Eric (18:35):
and then the mystery center, we will see, and that
sesame chicken will color myopinion of everything else I'm
about to eat.

Matt (18:45):
Yes, and by that same token, I got to compare it to
what other chickens are beingoffered.
If there's a Kung Pao, ifthere's a General Tso's, if
there's a sweet and sour, I'mgoing or an orange.
A lot of times, though, if theyhave a sesame, they don't have
an orange, and if they have anorange they don't have a sesame.
That's been my experience.
Yeah, they're not typicallydoing both exactly, and then

(19:08):
then I'm with you, though itgets a little bit.
A little bit of everything.
That are the candidates for thesecond plate, and the second
plate will be where I make themistake of like oh, I pretend
that I didn't eat a full plateof food already yes and then get
a full plate of food as if itis now the first plate because

(19:30):
you, you convince yourself.

Eric (19:31):
Well, I just ate a little bit of a lot of things a little
bit, a lot of things.
That's not the same as eating awhole lot of that, like that's
not the same where are you withthese hibachi places?

Matt (19:41):
like I said, I haven't been in a while, but so for my
own reference, just I pulled.
I just googled hibachi buffet.
Like I said, I haven't been ina while, but so for my own
reference, just I pulled.
I just googled hibachi buffetand I'm going through google
results.
I'm seeing a lot of likeamerican food popping up in it
fries, uh, onion rings they'vewhere are you with that, with
your hibachi buffet?

Eric (19:59):
I do not.
If I wanted that shit, I'd goto golden corral and perhaps
this is a good opportunity toswitch buffets.

Matt (20:07):
We've talked about hibachi a little bit.
Where are you on seafood buffet?

Eric (20:12):
on seafood buffets.
I'm a very simple man show mewhere the shrimp is.
The end.
I'm confused that I.
I go at a seafood buffet, Ijust go.
I show me where the shrimp isand that will be my at a seafood
buffet.
I just go, show me where theshrimp is and that will be my
journey.

Matt (20:27):
A seafood buffet in this great state of Maryland.
You're just getting shrimp.

Captain Matt (20:34):
Yeah.

Matt (20:35):
And if there are steamed crabs or crab cakes or any other
crab product in this greatstate of ours.
I'm sorry.

Eric (20:47):
Are you eating crab cakes from a buffet?
Generally not.
Are you eating steamed crabsfrom a buffet?

Matt (20:56):
Generally not, but if I'm in a Maryland buffet and there
is a crab present, I will fuckwith it.
I'll give it an assessment.
Take me to Des Moines, and no,I'm not going to.
First of all, take me to a.
I will say this I am from forthe listeners who are just

(21:16):
joining us on this catastropheof a cold open episode I'm
originally from Pennsylvania.
I've moved to Maryland Eric isa native Marylander, um, and I
will say, moving to Maryland hasmade me a seafood snob, because
I am now to the point that I'mlike, if we go to say, oh, I

(21:42):
don't know Des Moines, I alreadyused Des Moines but any
landlocked state, not even acity, I can't even imagine
getting seafood.
But if I get seafood, I am mostcertainly not getting crab
cakes or crab products of anykind, unless we go all the way
over and we're now on the othercoast.

Eric (22:06):
I need an ocean within 10 miles of me.

Matt (22:08):
Yeah, and also if we end up in Maine or something, okay,
sure, or Boston, but then we'rein lobster territory, then I got
the craving for lobster, butdown here, no, I'm not going to
a seafood.
I told you I don't really go tobuffets, but if I'm at a buffet
yeah, and there are, it's aseafood buffet and there are

(22:30):
crabs present I'm gonna get acrab just to see what's it about
, see what's going on its vibe.

Eric (22:37):
Is I, I, unless?
So this might be weird, butunless it is a dedicated crab
feast in which crabs will be theprimary like, like it's
designed for, for steamed crabs.
I, I, I have such a hard timetrusting seafood from any buffet
oh same, even in 100 same butlike it, unless it's shrimp,

(23:02):
because shrimp's like the onething you cannot fuck up.

Matt (23:05):
I'll say well, I'll say this.
This is why I generally wouldstay away from seafood at any
given buffet, unless if I'mgoing to a seafood buffet
restaurant where that is theirthing.
I'm not worried about my numberone question that I have at any
social event or any buffet oranything where food has been

(23:28):
prepared, which is how long hasthis been sitting out?
For how long has this been out?

Captain Matt (23:32):
How long has?

Captain Eric (23:33):
this been here.

Matt (23:36):
And it's to the point where Lindsay will just start
laughing because we'll go tolike a party or something and
she can just see in my eyes thatI'm like looking at a dish and
being like I don't see any steamcoming off of this.

Captain Matt (23:54):
Ew, this artichoke dip could have been out for
hours.

Eric (23:59):
You're like Paul Hollywood You're scraping a butter knife
across the top of it.

Matt (24:04):
Yeah, and I'll say this.
I know myself well.
Once I've made up my mind thatI don't trust a food, you will
never touch it, it's over.
It doesn't matter if the hostrushes in and be like oh no, no,
no, it's supposed to look thatdark Brown, it's cool.
I'll be like oh yeah, no,that's great.
I'm allergic to eggs.

Eric (24:28):
Yeah, matt, and this is the exact reason why you would
not have a good time at goldencorral.
Okay, because that apply thatanxiety to every unless, unless
you witness them carry it out ofthe kitchen and put it in, you
cannot be sure that it has beenthere for any reasonable amount

(24:49):
of time now can we agree, though?

Matt (24:51):
if we are at a seafood buffet and they do not have hush
puppies, fuck off, right, okay?

Eric (24:59):
All right, fuck off that, we walk, we walk.

Matt (25:03):
We walk, we walk.
I'm taking my mint and leaving.
Yeah, yeah, you gotta have thehush, you gotta have the hush
pups, and that's not even aMaryland thing, I'm just saying
like a seafood place in generalshould have hush puppies.
Gotta have the hush puppies.

Eric (25:20):
What am I?
What am I gonna use to keep thethe dogs in my caravan quiet at
night on the oregon?
Trail, what the fuck that'sapparently the origin of the
term hush puppies.
It's like something really takelike cornmeal and fry it and
like feed it to the dogs to keepthem, to get them to shut the
fuck up because it'd be whiningand hungry on on cattle trails.

Matt (25:38):
That makes sense.
I've never once thought aboutthe origin of the phrase, but it
makes total sense, yeah.
So if that's true, how aboutthat?
I'm happy to know it.
I don't think it necessarily is, but we'll see.

Eric (25:52):
Also at a seafood buffet.
This is, this is.
This is a fact, is, but we'llsee, also at a seafood buffet.
This is, this is, this is afact if you're putting anything
on your plate other than seafoodand I qualify hush puppies as
seafood they're honorary seafood.
Um, you're fucking up, yeah,yeah, you're.
You're fucking up if you putlike if I, if we're at a fucking
seafood buffet and I see youreaching for, like chicken
tenders, the fuck are you doing?

Matt (26:13):
unless you have a child back at the table.
Unless you have a, then then weall get it.
Okay, then we all get it.
And and I mean that sincerelyregardless of if you're given
those chicken tenders to thechild, if you are a parent, you
have a child at your disposal Atyour disposal.

(26:35):
At your disposal and I see yougetting chicken tenders and
going back to your seat and justeating those chicken tenders
yourself.
I'll say you know what he needsthis.

Eric (26:47):
I get it.
He just needs the protein.
Any port in a storm.
Any poach in a storm, as we'vesaid before the but yeah, well,
I'll say this I'm definitelygetting muscles oh yeah, I'll
fucks with muscles, uh, becauseusually the there I'll fuck with
anything that I know is goingfast.
Yeah do you know what I mean,because I know it'll always be

(27:09):
like, cause that's why I don'ttrust like crab cakes at like a
fucking buffet, because they'reso like I don't know how long
these have been sitting.

Matt (27:16):
I'll be honest, Eric.
I said crab cakes, but I don'tthink I've ever been to a buffet
that has I've seen a crab cakepresent.
Yeah, that's just something Isaid to run through some crab
dishes and you ran with it.

Eric (27:28):
I did run with it.
I'm just saying, like you, donot, babies, if you're ever in a
situation where you're at abuffet in Maryland and there's
crab cakes at the buffet, do not, do not.
This is not the kind of thingyou eat en masse.

Matt (27:41):
And also-.

Eric (27:42):
Those need to be crafted, those need to be bespoke, those
need to be made to order.

Matt (27:47):
If you're coming to Maryland to try a quote unquote
Maryland crab cake and you'vechosen a buffet as your
destination to do this, you'vedone it incorrectly.
You've done it incorrectly.

Eric (28:00):
Same with steamed crabs Like, go to a dedicated place
that does steamed crabs or acrab feast Absolutely.
But if you're a seafood buffet,shrimp all day, baby Shrimp,
you're safe with shrimp.

Matt (28:10):
By the way, in case you're wondering from the two
Marylanders Fadley's is theanswer, don't you agree?
The question being what's thebest crab cake?
It's Fadley's.

Eric (28:24):
So here's the problem Getting to it.
The problem is there are somany places that I've had very
good crab cakes in Maryland.
I have a very terrible memoryfor remembering any of them,
because none of them come closeto the best crab cake in
Maryland, which is my mom's crabcake.
For fuck's sake, have you?
Oh, you got to have FrannyMae's crab cake.

(28:46):
My dude, I'll change yourfucking mind.

Matt (28:50):
Okay, well then present them to me, Because until then
you're just a guy going here,but no one makes him like Mama
used to.

Eric (28:57):
Truly truly, I mean the bet.
Where are you with soft-shelledcrabs, by the way?

Matt (29:04):
So soft-shelled crabs again, and so people might not
know what a soft-shelled crab is, so why don't you explain?

Eric (29:10):
And for anyone out of state who might not know about
this, you're going to think I'mfucking with you.
I promise you I'm not.
No, soft shell crab is adelicacy If that's the word you
want to give it.
Yeah, much like scrapple mightbe a delicacy.

Matt (29:25):
Okay, yes, it is in the same vein as scrapple.

Eric (29:28):
Yes, so crabs, when they're going through their life
cycle of growing and stuff,they much like lobster stuff.
They will shed their shell.
We call it sloughing.
And there's a period after acrab sloughs its shell where the

(29:51):
crab is basically made of jello.
And we take the crab when it inflour, cornmeal, what have you?
And we deep fry that, sumbitchit and it is very nice the tldr
here is.

Matt (30:05):
It is a whole crab that has been deep fried that you are
expected to just eat, shell andall, and they are largely gross
there and that that is anotherlike I.

Eric (30:18):
It's another one like the only soft shell crab I eat is
like one that, like my dad, hasbecause I watched it happen I
know it's just because I canobserve the the practice I have
had what are we doing here now?

Matt (30:30):
we're not even talking about buffets.
Like just hearing about thepoach family cookbook.
Let me bust out my dad'sstroganoff sandwich while we're
at it.

Eric (30:38):
My father owns seven grills, matthew, we food, we
food hard.
I'm not exaggerating.
Seven grills, fucking, four ofwhich are Weber's, of different
shapes and sizes.
Then he's got the propane, thenhe's got the mini Weber for
when he goes tailgating.
Then he's got the propane, thenhe's got the mini weber for
when he goes tailgating, thenhe's got the combination weber
smoker and then he's got thefucking egg.

(30:59):
He, we, we food, we food hard I, I get that impression.

Matt (31:06):
Yeah, is there anything else we'd like to say about
buffets?

Eric (31:10):
about buffets.
Yes, specifically the hibachiportion back to the hibachi
again, because this wasspecified that the question was
about hibachi buffet.

Matt (31:18):
That's not what it says in the queue In the queue it says
what is the buffet order ofoperations from Dough Babe.

Eric (31:28):
If you are going to do a hibachi plate because you're at
a hibachi buffet.

Matt (31:32):
Yeah, here we are, the all-you-can-eat buffet.
And I'm happy to be here Againthis because you're at a hibachi
buffet.

Eric (31:36):
Yeah, here we are.
All you can eat buffet, youknow, and I'm happy to be here
again.
This is a question of windows,absolutely so when you first
arrive at your window for soupafter you've done your strafing
run plate which I feel likewe've just done with buffets, by
the way, but yes, yes, it'svery mad.

Matt (31:48):
We just sampled, talking about every type of and then you
have your like.

Eric (31:55):
Once you've decided, like you know, your your ride or die
dishes, you're like all right,I'm going to go all in on the
sesame chicken.
What have you?
This is now your other window.
This is your window for hibachi, because hibachi take time.
If you wait to get hibachi,like if everyone else has had
their like two to three plates,and like if people are getting

(32:16):
dessert, yeah your hibachiwindow has closed.
You're.
You're now, because you are nowholding up everyone else,
because it's going to take likea bunch of plate is plate two.
I'm confused as to what you'rethinking about here so so
there's the buffet right whereyou go, I'm gonna go, but at
hibachi buffets they have anextra section where there's a

(32:36):
guy at a hibachi grill and, likeyou load up a plate with stuff
and he like cooks it up for I'mfamiliar with hibachi yeah,
there's a a lot of places we go,like the chinese buffets around
here.

Matt (32:48):
They're like, there's like I haven't been to a combo, I
have not been to a place.

Eric (32:52):
Oh, that's where.
Okay, I see, I see, I see, yeahit's, it's a whole production.

Matt (32:58):
That's why, if you're gonna do that, you do that yeah,
I think you gotta make thatchoice early on, I agree you
gotta make that.

Eric (33:05):
That's all I'm getting at, matt.
Is you gotta make that choiceearly on?

Matt (33:08):
it's the same thing with a breakfast buffet that has a
chef who's like making omelets.
You know like you gotta makethat choice, because there's
always a line for him oh 100there's always a line for that
sweaty man named sal who willmake one of the best fucking
omelets absolutely after youwait 45 minutes to get it and

(33:32):
you, god, you better eat fast,because Sal will not be rushed.
It doesn't matter how manypeople are in his line, he goes
at.

Eric (33:41):
Sal's pace, and that kind of brings us to the last phase.
Thank God, the dessert phase.
Absolutely the dessert phase,matt.
So much like wearing a finesuit, yes, your belt should
match your shoes, sure.
Your tie should complement yourpocket square, sure.

(34:06):
But dessert, matthew, that'slike the socks.
I don't know if you're familiarwith the rules regarding socks
and a three piece suit.
I'm a fun socks guy now, don'tyou know this?
I don't know if you're familiarwith the rules regarding socks
and a three-piece suit.

Matt (34:14):
I'm a fun socks guy now, don't you know this?

Eric (34:16):
You're a full-on socks guy now.

Matt (34:17):
No, I'm a fun socks guy.

Eric (34:19):
Oh, you're a fun socks guy and that's exactly it when it
comes to.
For anyone wondering what therules are for the socks you wear
with any given three-piece suit, there are none.

Matt (34:30):
I think I agree.

Eric (34:37):
You go fucking nuts with your sock.
That is the one part that youare not bound by anything other
than wear appropriately lengthedsocks.
But I disagree.

Matt (34:41):
I disagree with one, with with one caveat okay, if you
have, if you've included apocket square, if you've done
all the other things.
Like, let's say, you got a bluesuit, brown shoes, brown belt,
I am perfectly fine with a clashof a sock that gets revealed

(35:04):
from time to time if it's a funtasteful thing, 100%.
But I also think you're withinyour rights and I don't talk any
points.
If you got a pink tie on andyou got flamingo socks, throw
them flamingo socks on there.
You look fine.
You look dashing, my man.
It can be a case by case basis,because I try to match my fun

(35:24):
socks to my shirt, to my otherclothes, to my vibe a little bit
, but it's never going to beperfect.
But I don't even know how I gotinto this, but I started
getting a couple of like funnysocks and then all of a sudden,
all my like tall socks are alldesigned.
They all have animals orcritters, nice.

(35:44):
Or I just got Jaws socks notlong ago.
You know the shark poster, youknow vertically?
Yeah, just because I saw themon a checkout line and I was
like gotta have them Got to.
I'm a sock guy now.

Eric (35:56):
So the general understanding is with socks and
a suit, and I do, I doappreciate, like, when you can
coordinate the sock with therest of the outfit, I think it
comes together really nicely.

Matt (36:04):
But it's gotta be done right, it's gotta be, but the
thing is if you're going funsock route, it a treat it should
be a treat for whoever has beenlucky enough to see you cross
your leg, flashing your ankle,and, and let that ankle breathe
for a hot sec.
Let it breathe and you can lookdown and be like, oh my god,
he's got bumblebee socks on.

(36:25):
You know, love it, um, and andmuch napoleonic of him much in
that same vein.

Eric (36:32):
Little history joke for all Once you get to dessert at a
buffet, the rules are gone.
Oh yeah, this is the pointwhere you have a meter in your
body labeled shame, yes.
And throughout the buffetyou've been slowly filling it,
and now is where we just top heron off.

Matt (36:50):
If I get a notice from my stomach midway through plate two
or plate three, hey, guess what?
No vacancy, you know we arefull.
I send back a memo that says no, you're not Make room.

Eric (37:06):
This is where, if everyone could just shift towards the
center of the aisle.

Matt (37:11):
We got a full flight today .
Every seat will be full.
We need everyone to get to theback of the plane.

Eric (37:19):
Yes, yes, a hundred percent, I'm going back for
dessert, because I know my bodyand I don't know if your body
does this.
I'll hit that point where mybody's like we're done, like ha
cute.
You fucking thought Because Iknow within the next 10 minutes
I'm going to burp, oh yeah, know, within the next 10 minutes I'm
gonna burp, oh yeah.
And then suddenly everythingwill have shifted down a little
bit.
Oh, look at all this overheadspace we had.

(37:40):
Look at this a well-placed burpopens many doors and this is
where dessert is where I startexperimenting.
I'm taking like banana puddingand I'm like seeing what elm
like.
Oh, they just have like a tubof chocolate chips over here.
I'm going to throw those, I'llstart.
I'll start taking fixings fromthe ice cream bar and fucking
just make a cup of them.

Matt (38:02):
And yes, because there is.
It is a second buffet.
Yes, it is.
And if there's an ice cream bar, that's something I need to
know about up front because thataffects my dinner choices.
Yes, because I will save roomto experiment with the ice cream
bar.
You love a soft serve?
I love a soft serve.
But I'm saying, even if it's agelato bar, you know, different

(38:24):
tubs get in there, I can mix andmatch my flavors.

Eric (38:27):
My, my personal favorite.
I I don't know why, but I loveit when I have like a bunch of
options of like different, likeice cream bars and like rap,
like do you know what I mean?

Matt (38:36):
Like they've got like the drumsticks or the stuff like
like oh, it doesn't happen a lotevery night anymore, but I do
appreciate anybody who brings mea dessert cart.

Eric (38:45):
I love a dessert.
It's kind of fun, it's, it's.

Matt (38:49):
Oh, I want that one.
It's kind of fun.
Oh, look at these.

Eric (38:55):
It's like a little zoo.
I'll try one of those?

Matt (38:57):
Yeah, so that is our buffet order of operations, and
I don't know that we've laid outa definitive order, but we've
thrown enough kernels and takenenough time that I think we can
say I think we've answered thequestion, I think we nailed it.
So that leads me to thequestion of what is we?
Eric, you've heard of having amain character moment, having
main character energy.

Eric (39:15):
Yes, or also heard it used pejoratively main character
syndrome.

Matt (39:21):
Main character syndrome.
Sure, yes.
My question to you is what issupporting character energy?
What is a supporting charactermoment?

Eric (39:37):
So main character energy, right defined by people behaving
like they're the main characterin the story.
They expect everything to sortof everything just sort of works
out, needs to work out for them, or fall in their favor, or
they're baffled when, like, therules apply to them.
Yeah, supporting characterenergy though I feel like
supporting character energy.
You ever have that friend thatlike when they walk into a room

(39:58):
everyone's just kind of like, ohhere he comes, like there's,
that's norm and cheers norm andcheers support.
Like you can hear the audiencethat like the studio applause,
like when they walk through thedoor and they say their thing
yes.

Matt (40:15):
Yeah, I 100% agree with that analogy, with the Norm from
Cheers analogy.
If you and it doesn't even needto be like at a party or
something like that If there'ssome sort of like main, if you
walk in and there's like aconversation taking place, if
we're to put this in sitcomrealm, that's where the camera's

(40:37):
at right.
You're now walking into theback room.
You've made an in thebackground, you've made an
entrance.
The camera's panned to you toestablish that you have arrived.
Maybe you have a fun line oneliner to come in, much like Norm
.
You don't, but it there is someacknowledgement that you're

(40:59):
there.
You're not a background actor,okay, you're not an extra.
The energy shifts.
When you come in, the energyshifts there's you.
You take some energy, somefocus of the main characters
which and I'm not saying youtake it away from them, no, I'm
saying the main character isforced to or not even forced,

(41:24):
compelled has to acknowledge you, to acknowledge you, yes, that
first of all bumps you up intosupporting character tier.
Congratulations, you're midwaythrough the call sheet.
That's for all the actors outthere.
Yes, you're four names down onthe call sheet.
Congratulations.

Eric (41:43):
Or if your name pops up and it's like, as Dr Jacoby,
you're a supporting character100%.
When you're like that one weirdguy that for some reason they
list the character you play,even though they don't do that
for everyone else.

Matt (41:58):
Supporting character that, like they, for some reason they
list the character you play,even though they don't do that
for everyone else.
Supporting character yeah, well, a lot of times it's contract
based, but yes, when it's, andthis, this person, this person,
this person, this person andthis person, the and is, and
then usually a guest actor willbe a with yeah, featuring and
starring and then and starring.

Eric (42:16):
You know, yes there's like a whole pecking order that I
know there is one, I've justnever I I don't know like what
the specifics are yeah, indeed,yes, uh.
So yes, if you, if you change,if your entrance into the, the
realm changes the conversationalmeta, yeah, supporting,
supporting character, energy.

Matt (42:37):
That's how you know.
That's like an energy walkinginto the room.
That's supporting characterenergy walking into the room,
yeah, but to use your very firstexample of like, okay, so it's
all about this person.
The world's revolving aroundthem.
Actions have consequences, forsome reason.
What's coming to mind is likeif somebody, if you're in an
airport terminal and somebody ishaving a full-on meltdown at

(43:01):
the gate attendant right andcomplaining and shouting and
something, they have become themain character.
They have lassoed the maincharacter energy.
But that gate attendant, theyare the supporting character now
they are the foil to now.
They could elevate themselves.

(43:21):
They could end elevatethemselves from foil to villain.

Eric (43:25):
Yeah, you know, depending on how they treat or they could
pull an uno, reverse and be likema'am, please, I have like I
gotta.
I got a sick kid at home, I gota like.
They could reverse themselvesright in the main character.

Matt (43:40):
They join the person as main character.
Now that's what I mean.
It becomes a meet cute.
Here's the twist.
Here's the twist in the M NightShyamalan film.
Our person yelling withrighteous indignation suddenly
revealed to be the villain, andour working class hero has stood

(44:01):
up to be the protagonist.
Yes, yes, you in this situation, sitting on the chair waiting
for your flight to arrive.
You, my friend, you're thebackground.
You're the background.
You're background right now,and that's okay joe everyman
that's okay.
You're sitting there.
You're fine.
You are okay.

Eric (44:22):
Yeah, you're getting your 80 for eight and you're walking
out the door yep, but then then,while this situation is
unfolding, if someone's sittingnear you like heckles, the
situation that's supportingcharacter energy too oh, yeah,
yeah, for sure quips, yourpeanut gallery quips although it

(44:43):
could be considered a cameoappearance, cameo, cameo
appearance, but I

Matt (44:50):
think.
For that to work, you walkinginto the situation demands that
you are a main character, right?
Yeah, Like, put it in a partysituation.
Let's say you are the roommateof someone throwing a party.
You emerge from your roombecause you don't know these
people, but everybody knows youbecause you're the roommate.

(45:12):
Mm-hmm, I'd say you are a maincharacter, at least supporting
character.
But you're not staying, You'rejust coming out to get a beer
and going back into your roomhoping everybody leaves before 1
am.
And when you come out to saythat one thing, or get that beer
, make that one joke or whatevercameo appearance.

Captain Matt (45:34):
I say yes, cameo energy.
Yes, cameo energy yes.

Eric (45:37):
If you're not staying cameo energy, Especially if
you've been referred tothroughout the night.
But you just make that oneappearance, Because that's the
part where the audience goes oh,holy shit, the roommate's
Willem Dafoe.

Matt (45:49):
Bring it back to the airport.
Here's somebody you don't needto know, who doesn't need to say
a word, doesn't need to sayanything.
But if there's people yellingat the gate and who should walk
into the thing, into theterminal, roll in their little
bag and just makes a little faceat the situation and looks at

(46:09):
you, oh, it's the captain.
That's a cameo Cameos, becausethen he's going to go hit the
bar, yeah, let's get this birdin the captain.
That's a cameo Cameo, becausethen he's going to go hit the
bar, yeah, and say, let's getthis bird in the sky, yeah, yeah
.

Eric (46:21):
If you.
This bird got to leave the nest.
That's your, stan Lee's.

Matt (46:29):
Give me your best captain speaking Eric.
Oh, okay, this has nothing todo with the question.
Yeah, yeah, yeah Get in there.

Captain Eric (46:35):
Hey, we're rolling on up to Boston heading 245.
It is 75 degrees out.
We're going to keep it smoothand steady for the next 20 or so
minutes.

Eric (46:46):
Might hit some light turbulence as we go over Boston,
but I hope you have a niceflight, that's pretty good, eric
, I like a captain, I like avery like, I like a captain
who's on island time.
Oh sure, yeah, yeah, yeah, Ilike, uh, yeah, give me yours,
give me yours, give me, come onyou want mine?

Matt (47:03):
yeah, okay, sure, let me just uh remove the pop filter
here for a second.

Eric (47:08):
You want to.
You want to eat the mic let meme just remove that.

Captain Matt (47:11):
Oh there it is.
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
I appreciate you flying with ustoday.
Of course, if you look out theright side of the aircraft,
you'll see Memphis, tennessee.
What's that?
Oh, we're in Florida, that'sright.
No, that's Fort Lauderdale,there, actually.
So if you just take a look atthat, we will be arriving in

(47:34):
Miami and about 20 miles mightbe able to get in there a little
bit early and Rochelle comingaround with your trash now.
Please put that in there.
The drink service is closed.
I want to thank you for flyingDelta.
Thank you so much, have a greatday.

Eric (47:50):
I that fucking can.
I can, I actually can, becauseI've always wanted to hear it
done this way.
Can I do an another take?
But can I just quote bladerunner, but as a, as a as an
airline pilot?
Sure, cool, cool, cool.
I just want to achieve thestreet, yeah pop that pop filter
.

Matt (48:05):
Yeah, yeah, let me, let me let me get in there.

Captain Eric (48:09):
uh, good, good afternoon, ladies, gentlemen.
I've seen things you peoplewouldn't believe Attack ships on
fire off the shoulder of Orion.
I watch sea beams glitter inthe dark near the Tannhauser
Gate.
All those moments will be lostin time like tears in the rain.
Time to die.

Eric (48:28):
That's really really, really good.
Oh shit, man, we fucked updoing a question podcast.
We should just have peoplesending quotes that we can read,
like airline pilots yes, that'syeah the new, new, new.

Captain Matt (48:49):
I just want to say this before I go any further To
be or not to be, isn't thatjust the question there You're
down to.
Wait, I got another one, ShallI suffer those things in areas
of outrageous fortune.
Go ahead, take arms against asea of truffles by posing in

(49:10):
them.

Captain Eric (49:22):
I hope my mic's okay.
This is a good time to mentionthat I was the lone gunman on
the grass.

Eric (49:26):
You know this is a good.

Captain Eric (49:27):
This is such a good bit this is a good time.

Matt (49:30):
This is a good time to mention oh shit, so that's.
I think we've run through theyeah, the various, uh, I will.

Eric (49:42):
I will ask one more little straw, eric, have you realized?

Matt (49:45):
we've had since our terrible cold open.
We've had no less than fourgood cold opens I know this.

Eric (49:53):
This is like the monkey's paw we wish for a cold open any
one of them could have servedany one of them.
Uh, folks, please send us inthings that you want to hear us
read in airline pilot voices uhthat'll be a new.

Matt (50:05):
That'll be a new segment segment yeah oh god, uh, oh fuck
it should.

Eric (50:10):
It should be like something like seat belts off or
something we have talked about.

Matt (50:14):
We did um.
There was.
There's another podcast long,dormant at this point.
Um called beneath the headlinesthat um myself yes, and former
guests of the show.
Paul tm and megan stantonzaccardi uh created and there's
only one season.
It is a scripted show but meand eric in there are in there
and play um in it.
These two baseball announcers,yep and um.

(50:36):
I am a former smooth jazz radiodj and eric is somehow like a
vaudevillian radio announcerchip cedar.
Yeah, he's stuck in, stuck intime in like 1910.
And we call this baseball game,and I've been looking for a way
for us to get commentary intothis podcast.

(50:58):
I'd love that to happen, goddamn yeah, maybe we find a sport
we both mutually know nothingabout and just do that.
I don't know.
We don't need to workshop bitson Mike necessarily.

Eric (51:12):
Oh yeah, sorry, this is our working session a oh yeah,
sorry, this is our workingsession, aka the podcast aka the
podcast.

Matt (51:18):
Speaking of which, do you want to move on to Google Gripes
?
Let's move on to Google Gripes.
That's the segment people knowand love.
But if you are new and God helpyou if you are Google Gripes is
a segment, a little game, weplay as our closing segment here
from time to time, where wetraditionally give each other
one real, one star Googlereviews of well-known places.

(51:42):
Yes, that was our first threeseasons.
Anyway, for season four, wehave been doing well known.
Now we are halfway through thesecond round of season four of
Google Gripes.
Yes, the score is five to three, live live score through one

(52:07):
and a half rounds.
So, eric, what I have for you,as always, is I have three
movies with three reviews each,and I think I've put them in
order from easiest to hard.
Okay, and I want to know thisAre you ready?
Oh, fucking baby, I'm so ready,all right, here we go.
First film, first review.
I gotta be honest here.

(52:28):
I did not care for Blank.
I didn't like it.
I couldn't get into it.
It I did not care for Blank, Ididn't like it.
I couldn't get into it.
It put me to sleep.
I know Blank is a true storymovie and that it is universally
considered the saddest and mostdepressing tearjerker of all
time, but I just simply did notenjoy it and didn't feel much

(52:48):
emotion.
I only felt boredom.
Okay, okay, okay, alright.
Review number two this moviewas so depressing.
I loved the characters, but whydid the writers choose to kill
most of them off at the end?
Why did they spend all thistime creating a beautiful love

(53:09):
story just to kill everybody?
This movie was ways too sad forme.
Do not recommend.
Okay Okay.
Review number three Spoilersahead.
Three hours of pure baloney, ifyou ask me.
I don't know why everyonethinks this is such a romantic

(53:30):
story.
Character literally triedjumping off the blank and then
the other character took her tothe edge of the blank for that
ridiculous scene everybody lovesso much.
What if she jumped off like shetried earlier?
And to make matters worse, thetwo made a cross symbol and I
thought this movie was free ofreligious messages Just goes to

(53:53):
show that everything ispolitical nowadays.
I do not recommend watchingthis trashy flop of a movie.
And those are your threereviews.

Eric (54:03):
Okay, I had a thought initially, but I think it's
morphed and I think I know whatit is.
Tell me what your initialthought was.

Matt (54:11):
My initial thought was Schindler's list okay I might
have given away that it's notyeah, but my initial thought was
schindler's list.

Eric (54:22):
But but, then the love story stuff and the jumping off
I'm.
So.
That is morphed to with thejumping and, specifically, the
cross forming.
I'm gonna go, with the passionof the no, I'm going to go.
How incredible would it be,though, if this was all about

(54:44):
the passion of the Christ.

Matt (54:45):
Hey, when viewed as a horror film, passion of the
Christ is a great movie.

Eric (54:49):
No, my parents took me to see that on Easter Sunday.
It's a great horror film.
Yeah, it's a wonderful snufffilm.

Matt (54:56):
It's a great, great horror film.
That Cat o' Nine Tails scene,holy shit.

Eric (55:03):
A lady in the parking lot gave me and my dad the dirtiest
fucking look because we werereenacting scenes.

Matt (55:09):
Oh, Eric, that's poor taste, poor taste.

Eric (55:13):
Such poor taste.
Poor taste, such poor taste, umuh, my guess is titanic and
your guess is correct, it isobviously titanic.

Matt (55:19):
Yes, absolutely, eric.
Well done, and I I knew thisjustice for billy zane I, I knew
this would happen.
Uh, I, that's why I put itfirst.
I, I knew that last one had agood chance of giving it away I
love that you didn't even flinchto me saying justice for Billy
Zane?

Eric (55:37):
No, of course.

Matt (55:38):
Justice for Billy Zane.
I'm not quite sure why he needsjustice.
He's done quite well forhimself.
I'd say, but okay, yeah, anyway, you ready for your second film
?
Yes, I just think not enoughpeople sympathize with Billy
Zane's character in Titanic.

Eric (55:56):
Okay, well, I don't know that you need to sympathize with
his character.

Matt (55:57):
I don't think you're supposed to sympathize with the
I don't think he did a great jobin the film, which is to say
you're supposed to hate him.

Eric (56:05):
Oh, you're supposed to hate Billy Zane's character?

Matt (56:08):
Listen, I am always happy to support a key member of the
Back to the Future cast in theirpost Back to the Future
endeavors.
You are, of course, aware thatBilly Zane is in Back to the
Future 1 and 2.

Eric (56:21):
Oh, of course no, he plays one of the goons, doesn't he he
?

Matt (56:24):
plays 3D.
He plays 3D.

Eric (56:26):
Yep, yep, yep, Fucking love Billy Zane oh dear.

Matt (56:31):
I'm afraid I have to humble myself listeners.
You see, match is who BillyZane plays in Biff Tannen's gang
.
Not 3D, that would be 80sstaple.
Casey Somasco, who also starred, of course, in Young Guns and
Stand by Me, amongst others.
Young Guns great underratedfilm, I'd like to add.

(56:54):
But my apologies to the Back tothe Future community, my
apologies to Eric, my apologiesto Billy Zane and, of course,
apologies to myself.
Don't let this happen again.

Eric (57:09):
Sorry, sorry.
I just thought we were supposedto sympathize with Billy Zane's
character in Titanic.
It's just like in A WonderfulLife, my favorite character, Mr
Sorry, I just thought we weresupposed to sympathize with
Billy Zane's character inTitanic.
It's like in A Wonderful Life,my favorite character, Mr Potter
.

Matt (57:18):
Go on.
You said that.
You said that Now you've ruinedmy it's a Wonderful Life
reviews.
Oh no, just kidding, it's notthat.

Captain Matt (57:26):
All right, are you ready?

Matt (57:27):
Yes.
First review Okay.
This movie was somewhat of adumpster fire of a film.
It has a very weak and somewhatcoherent plot.
Most of the movie is justestablishing shots blank screens
, filler footage, bright,flashing colors and tasks that

(57:50):
take way too long to do.
This movie should have been 20minutes.
It also had a really stupidending.
I will say, though, if you likeabstract and very interpretive
art, such as a blue squarepainted on a black canvas, a
banana duct taped to canvas orjust public art in general, you
will probably like this movie.

(58:11):
Public art in general, you willprobably like this movie.
As for me, someone whoappreciates people putting a lot
of creativity, thought andactual work into an art piece
such as a quote-unquotecinematic masterpiece, the movie
was almost unenjoyable by anymeasure and severely lacking in
creativity and entertainment.

(58:31):
Despite my overall rebuke, thevisuals were quite good for the
time this was created, whichpossibly could redeem the movies
to some extent.
However, for me not entirely.
Thus my one star rating Okay.
Review number two this movie isundeniably an incredible feat
of cinema, but beautifulcinematography does not equate a

(58:55):
good movie.
It was painful to watch,physically painful on my ears,
with all the annoying repetitivesounds from the 20 minute
monkey screeching all the way tothe uncomfortable heavy
breathing.
It got interesting there for anhour in the middle and then
descended into complete madness.
I recommend you watch it.

(59:16):
Okay, okay, final review.
I imagine this must be what youmust feel like, see, hear and
sense if you have just takendrugs, especially near the end
of the film.
I'm sure the visual effectswere very good for their time.
Sorry, not my kind of film.

Eric (59:36):
Okay, I I okay, I, I I feel very confident about that.
I know what it is really twicein a row.

Matt (59:45):
You're, are you just gonna go for it?
You're not even gonna talkthrough it I'm gonna go for it.

Eric (59:50):
2001 a space odys.

Matt (59:52):
I'm afraid you're correct, eric.
Yeah, I was like either I'mwrong or he's warming up a howl
quote.

Eric (01:00:02):
Have you seen 2001?

Matt (01:00:03):
Yes, I thought this might be a curveball because I was
like I don't know if he's seenit.
As soon as it was the therepetitive noises, I immediately
heard the yeah yeah now I haveto say it should go without
saying that I obviously amreading but don't condone or

(01:00:26):
agree with these reviews oh yeah, no, 2001 space odyssey slaps.

Eric (01:00:30):
It's a great film.

Matt (01:00:32):
There was one review that was like, yeah, the monkeys at
the beginning that are there forno purpose, and I was like, oh,
you mean establishing theentire theme of the movie, you
fucking lepton yeah, uh,confirming that our entire
evolution was driven by thisplot device yeah, I guess that
just doesn't matter.

Eric (01:00:52):
Oh yeah, no, it's just still being parodied by barbie
in 2023, but fuck me, I will saythe only thing I'll see of 2001
, space odyssey masterpiece, andI love that film, but it's
definitely one of those moviesor I can't just throw that on
the background I have to like Ihave to carve three hours out of
my day to sit phone off andwatch this.

(01:01:14):
There is a window for thatthere is a window.

Matt (01:01:17):
There is absolutely a window for 2001,.

Eric (01:01:21):
a space odyssey and it's in your twenties, cause as I get
older, I find I don't have 2001, a space odyssey time anymore.
You don't think you wouldn'twatch 2001 these days?
Oh no, I absolutely would.

Captain Matt (01:01:41):
It's just harder to find the time to oh yeah, I
mean, I get that I still haven'twatched um the irishman,
because I'm like oh, I shouldsee that it's three hours, that
you know I'm saying like thegodfather.

Eric (01:01:48):
I'm like.
I'm like I love this movie.
Oh no, I can do.
I have three hours huh for thegodfather yeah, you make you
make the fucking time.

Matt (01:01:56):
You move those three hours around.
Yeah, uh, fun fact.
I once did a during thepandemic.
I did a stage reading with umkeir I think this is how you say
his name keir duella, who playsdave in 2001 space odyssey neat
.

Captain Eric (01:02:12):
yeah, yeah, that's cool.

Matt (01:02:13):
It was pretty cool.
Yeah, he was a nice guy.
Oh nice, yeah, anyway, thirdfilm, third film.
So right now we're tied, we'retied, we've you've achieved
parody.
Now can you take the lead.
Let's see First review.
Okay, when I hear one stanza ofblank, blank and blank, I was

(01:02:39):
like what Shelby the Worm wholives in Jake's Viola, would say
Check please, who reads my ravview?
That's a portmanteau of rave inreview.
Don't show it to character orcharacter when they go to

(01:03:00):
disneyland or world.

Captain Eric (01:03:00):
What the fuck matt that's it.

Matt (01:03:03):
That that's all the review .
I didn't say that portmanteauthing.
It's in parentheses.
They wrote that.
Oh yeah, god, god continue.
I hate this movie.
Blank was selfish and annoyingand looks sad.
I want to take a flamethrowerand melt this movie away and
flush it down the sink.

Eric (01:03:23):
Okay.

Matt (01:03:26):
And then final review Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad,
bad, why, why, why, why, why,why.
Who made this, why, why?
Who asked for this?
Who do we need to line up inthe backyard?
And then there's aninexplicable amount of white
space before you get to.
Why is blank?

(01:03:47):
The only one with powers?

Eric (01:03:49):
Okay.
I was like there's gotta besomething I can use in here, and
that's it Okay.
I was like there's gotta besomething I can use in here, and
that's it Okay.
Why is Blaine so?
Give me I already regret sayingthis Give me the first one
again, yeah well you.

Matt (01:04:04):
I feel good about giving this to you again because you
went direct in no requests forthe first two.
So when I hear one stanza ofyou know what, eric, I think I'm
going to make this a little biteasier for you.
I'm going to change a word inthis review.

Captain Matt (01:04:21):
Okay.

Matt (01:04:22):
I'm not going to tell you what word I'm changing.
I'm changing one word that Ithink cleans this up a little
bit.
Okay, removes a red herring.
Okay.
When I hear one stanza of blank, blank or blank, I was like
what Shelby the worm who livesin Jake's Viola, would say check

(01:04:43):
please, by the way, anyone whoreads my rav-view portmanteau of
rave and review, don't show itto character or character when
they go to Disneyland or World.
I am lost, oh no.

Eric (01:05:00):
Eric.
So when I hear Talk me throughyour process, yeah, yeah, yeah.
So the things that keepsticking out in my brain stanza
of blank, is it blank, blank andblank.
Or blank, blank or blank.

Matt (01:05:11):
Congratulations, eric.
You found the word I changed.
Okay, they wrote blank andblank, or blank, blank or blank.

Eric (01:05:16):
congratulations, eric, you found the word I changed okay,
they wrote blank, blank andblank, but it should be blank
blank.

Matt (01:05:19):
I changed it to blank, blank or blank because I think
it'll help okay.

Captain Eric (01:05:24):
So when I hear one stanza blank, blank or blank, I
and they.

Eric (01:05:28):
They said what did they want to do when they hear it?

Matt (01:05:31):
I was like what Shelby the worm who lives in Jake's viola,
would say check please.

Eric (01:05:38):
What the fuck Is that a reference to Adventure Time?

Matt (01:05:42):
I had to look it up and yes, it is.

Eric (01:05:44):
Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
Yes, and that threw me offbecause I'm like know the
character shelby the worm fromadventure time and I know jake
plays viola.
I was like I don't know and andis it?

Captain Matt (01:05:56):
a fair question for me.

Matt (01:05:57):
I had to look it up, I was like what is this?

Eric (01:06:00):
can you throw me a bone in the sense if I had?
This movie has nothing to dowith adventure time.
Right, were they just usingthat as a cultural?

Matt (01:06:07):
touchstone correct.

Eric (01:06:09):
This has nothing to do with adventure time okay, so let
me just eject that from myfucking brain.

Matt (01:06:15):
It has nothing to do with Adventure Time, okay.

Eric (01:06:17):
So one of your ones stands up blank blank or blank.
So they said, and you said orI'm, saying or Okay, they said
and.
And then we have one guy saidthey want to take a flamethrower
, said the one guy.
Just looked sad and selfish.

Matt (01:06:34):
Sad and selfish is what they said.
Well, they said they wereannoying selfish and look sad
and then said, yes, I want totake a flamethrower and melt
this movie away, flush it downthe sink.

Eric (01:06:50):
And why is Blank the only one with?
Uh so?
So part of me is wondering islike one stands like like a self
, one character who has powers.
When I hear one stands up blankso that that tells me there's
music in this movie, maybe amusical could be could be oh man

(01:07:12):
, I oh, oh, wait, wait.

Matt (01:07:14):
And you said there was mention of disneyland or disney
world in this they said uh, bythe way, anyone who reads my rav
you portmanteau of raven reviewdon't show it to character or
character when they go todisneyland or world.

Eric (01:07:29):
So it's, this is a disney movie, could be um, it's, it's
got me.
Oh, I so the one that issticking in my head.
I'm just trying to make the,the first review work for this.
I'm trying to find the songthat that would fit this.
I'm, I, I don't want to let me.
I'm running through because thethe realization that this is a

(01:07:52):
disney movie, at least in mymind, is now opening up a
plethora of options.
Sure, yeah.

Matt (01:07:59):
You've chosen a road.
You're going down it.

Eric (01:08:01):
Yes, yes, yes, yes.
I will go down this lonely road.
What house are we stopping at?
So the leading contender in mymind right now is is mary
poppins?
Oh, mary poppins.
Mary poppins, because I'm likeI, I, I know some people take

(01:08:21):
exception, exception with thecharacter of mary poppins.
She seems kind of like she.
She could come off as selfishor arrogant or what have you.
Uh, some people get annoyed byher, which are not
characterizations I agree with.
Uh in the books.

Matt (01:08:35):
You're, just you're just reporting.

Eric (01:08:38):
But and and her being the only one with powers fits with
this.
Yeah, but it's the.
It's the one I hear blank,blank or blank, and when you go
to disney world you seecharacter or character.
I know know in Disney World youwill see Mary Poppins and Bert

(01:09:00):
as street characters, but thesong isn't fitting.
None of the songs from MaryPoppins are fitting with that
blank, blank or blank.

Matt (01:09:09):
I'm going to help you out, eric.
Okay, I'm not correcting theand or.
I'm now worried that I've madeit more confusing instead of
helping you out, so I'm justgoing to change it to when I
hear one stanza of blank.

Eric (01:09:25):
Okay, when I hear one stanza of blank, I was like
flamethrower.
One character has powers, andthat's my last edit yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, that's my last.
You've thrown me so many bones.

Matt (01:09:36):
I can't throw you any more life rings.
I've run out of them.
You can't, you can't, you justcan't.
You're going to look like aSmarties roll.

Captain Matt (01:09:53):
I was pretty proud of it.

Eric (01:09:55):
I feel like I'm running down on my time here.
I think so, I think so.
Yeah, I'm just going to stickwith my gut.
I'm going to say Mary Poppinsfinal answer Mary Poppins final
answer.

Matt (01:10:08):
And it's wrong, damn it, it's wrong.
Let me ask you a quick questionthough, eric.
Yeah, do you want to build asnowman?
Son of a bitch, the only onewith powers.
We're talking about elsa myfriend, yeah that's why I
included the flame flamethrower.

Captain Matt (01:10:29):
they wanted to to melt yeah the snowman, god damn
it.

Eric (01:10:33):
Yes.

Matt (01:10:34):
Now the blank, blank and blank in the review was when I
hear one stanza of let it go forthe first time in forever.

Eric (01:10:43):
Yeah and oh, okay.

Matt (01:10:45):
And do you want to build a snowman?
But I thought that might beconfusing so I said or, so you
get the three options, options.
But then I think you thought Iwas putting in an or to a song
title.

Eric (01:10:56):
You, you did right by me I tried to, I, I, and for the
most part I was.

Matt (01:11:01):
I was like three different songs in my, in my mind, um,
but good good, that's what I,that's what I wanted you to get
to, but it works just as well ifit was one song.
So I was like like, just thinkof it as one song, fuck the
other two, that's why I was likeso we are tied.
Eric.
What did I say, Eric, lastepisode?
I got the feeling that we weresetting up a dramatic final

(01:11:23):
round Showdown.
And here we come, once againtied into the final round of a
season of Google+.

Eric (01:11:30):
Now are we going to do as we've done in previous seasons,
where, if this, this, since thisis our final round, we're going
hard mode.

Captain Matt (01:11:38):
I'm fine with going hard mode.

Eric (01:11:40):
I am terrified going hard mode, but I feel like I have to.

Matt (01:11:44):
What in this context?
Because, again, as we've talkedabout in previous episodes, I
was.
I was warned that I have to benice to Eric because he doesn't
bother to watch movies.

Eric (01:11:56):
I'm just a 33, four-year-old man he doesn't
even know what age I am.
I don't know numbers, they'rehard.

Matt (01:12:07):
I'm saying I'm fine with going hard mode.
If you're fine with going hardmode, I I'd say what does that
mean for me?

Eric (01:12:17):
that's like a dad.
That's like a dad playing hiskid at, like fucking super mario
kart, and he's like I won't letyou win if you don't want me to
yeah, like I can pull outrashomon.

Matt (01:12:29):
if you want, I can pull out the bicycle thief.
You know we can do that FuckingChrist, get some red shoes
action up in here.

Eric (01:12:42):
No.
Hard mode for me, I think,means and hard mode for me, I
think we're still well-known,famous movies.
Yes, but the hard mode for meis that the reviews will be.
Yes, I agree, I think it's amix.

Matt (01:12:56):
I think it's appropriate to do a mix where it is a
well-known film that I'm notnecessarily sure you've seen,
but you've certainly heard thetitle of.
I think that still counts.
Yeah, I think that still counts.
But then you can.
I think we also couple it withsome tougher Like I've never
seen Casablanca.

Eric (01:13:14):
I think Casablanca is fair game yeah.

Matt (01:13:16):
But if I give you a thing well, probably not now, we keep
talking about it but if I gaveyou a review that said like he
shouldn't be in any gin jointsin the first place, I hope that
would be a pretty big hint toyou.
Yeah, no, I guess not, for.

Eric (01:13:32):
Casablanca.
Yeah, hint to you.
Yeah, no, I guess not forcasablanca.
Yeah, yeah, no, that that's apretty big quote about of all
the gin joints in all the world.

Matt (01:13:39):
You're gonna walk into mine anyway, I need more of like
uh, here's looking at you,shitty movie uh, hey, by the way
, since a couple of in the firstround spoiler alert, if you're
going back.
Uh, I gave you shrek.
Yes, I feel like it'sappropriate.

(01:14:00):
Did you hear the news?

Eric (01:14:01):
no, have you heard the good word what's the good word?
Shrek 5 baby oh, shrek 5 babydidn't know there was a shrek 4
let's go uh, that would be ShrekForever.

Matt (01:14:12):
After Watch your mouth.

Captain Eric (01:14:14):
Okay, okay.

Matt (01:14:16):
Yeah, shrek 5 coming out 2026.
Full original cast Damn, yeah,yeah, damn.
There are and this is true nooriginal ideas anymore, so
that'll about do it, for youdidn't ask for this in this
episode here, unless, eric,there's anything you'd like to
add?
Before I give them the business, matt give them the business.

(01:14:39):
Excellent.
So listen.
The business is as follows weneed your questions.
We need your uh suggestions forthings we should say in a pilot
voice.
We need your suggestions forneighborhood watch drama.
I want to read yourneighborhood tea.

Eric (01:14:57):
Give it to me.
Give us the juicy goss Like I'min a juicy gossip desert out in
my neighborhood.
Everyone's old, and quiet here.

Matt (01:15:06):
Yeah, and you're just an old gossip, I'm just an old
gossip.

Eric (01:15:10):
You're just a little gossip girl.

Matt (01:15:15):
Anyway, you can send us this shit at youdontaskforthis,
at gmailcom that's all spelledout or on Instagram, Twitter,
facebook, tiktok, et cetera, etcetera.
We're not really on Facebookthese days, but you know it's
there and that's youdontaskpod.
That's the letter Udidn'taskpod.
Or you can call the thoughtline and leave us a message at
410-929-5329.

(01:15:37):
Eric, have I missed any bits ofbusiness?

Captain Eric (01:15:40):
You haven't missed a goddamn thing.

Matt (01:15:42):
Well, I think for all of us here, you didn't ask for this
.
My name's Matt Chang.
My name's Eric Poach.

Eric (01:15:49):
And listen.
You didn't ask.
But my favorite fact aboutFrozen yeah.

Matt (01:15:54):
Favorite fan theory that I hardcore subscribe to yeah in
frozen when she is arrested bythe dude I don't think I ever
actually said that it is frozen.
By the way, I I'm justoccurring, it's just occurring
to me that we just startedtalking and I don't think I ever
never said the words it isfrozen.

Eric (01:16:14):
I don't think I ever said it is frozen, it's frozen, it's
frozen.
Uh, but in frozen when elsa isarrested and she's in the little
dungeon.
Yeah, and she's got that.
So this is my favorite fantheory.
The handcuffs they have her inthose do not match any known
model of handcuffs.
They are a custom job and theywould not have had enough time

(01:16:37):
to make those between her likethey're like there's.
It's just not feasible thatsomeone's like okay, we need to
make handcuffs that like entrapa magic sorceress's hands and
and like are bespoke to fit her.
So that implies that thosemanacles already existed, which
implies that Elsa's parents hadthem made when she was a child.

(01:17:00):
On the off chance that shegrows up and goes rogue, her
parents had to prepare acontingency for if their kid
goes nuts and starts trying tomurder everyone with her winter
powers.

Matt (01:17:12):
That's your hang up with Frozen huh.
Yeah, that's where you got hungup.

Eric (01:17:17):
I love it.

Matt (01:17:18):
I think it's not the fact that their economy is based on.
Let me just check.

Eric (01:17:22):
Selling ice in a Nordic country, no less.

Matt (01:17:29):
OK, well, you got your priorities.