August 15, 2024 • 60 mins
In this episode, we are joined by the incomparable and beloved Alyssa Forsythe, better known to you all as frequent contributor dough_babe! Alyssa brings us the case for owning Neopets in 2024 and supervises as Matt and Eric as they make each other a Neopet. Then: what happens in Clown Court?
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Matt (00:00):
Eric, you're looking very beachy today.
You've got this open shirt, atrue Hawaiian shirt.
Yeah, you don't have to go tothe beach if you stay at the
beach.
No, I mean, I just got backfrom the beach.
Eric (00:12):
Oh yeah, what beach did you go to?
Matt (00:14):
I was with my parents down at the Rehoboth-Bethany-Dewey
area.
Eric (00:20):
Bro, the older I get, the sweeter Rehoboth gets Dude
Rehoboth's where it is atParadise.
Matt (00:27):
I love Rehoboth.
We go to Cape Henlopen becausemy parents have the state they
get the state park pass forDelaware and go down and do a
bunch of day trips.
Oh, to be retired.
Eric (00:39):
Yeah, ocean City is just a meme at this point.
No, fuck that we're not going.
Matt (00:44):
No one goes there.
Rehoboth, dewey, no, no,neither of the ocean cities
really.
Uh, should be patronized, butbut but anyway, rehoboth, very
chill, and cape henlo have beenvery chill, relaxed, all this
good stuff.
But I was, an interesting thinghappened to me.
Um, we were, we were at arestaurant and I went to the
bathroom.
(01:04):
Now, a little number ofepisodes, probably a couple
dozen episodes ago, I also hityou with a cold open story where
I went to the bathroom.
Eric (01:14):
Was this where the dudes just all convened?
Yes, and a gang of menapproached the stall.
Matt (01:22):
This is not that, but it is yet again the same setup and
I promise you I'm not makingthis up now I'm starting to
understand why you have likenervous bladder yeah, oh, bbs,
bashful bladder syndrome yeah,yeah, because you have.
You just have traumaticbathroom experiences so the
bathroom in this restaurant was.
(01:43):
It's the kind where there'sonly one stall, but the sink is
outside the stall and so there'san outer door that doesn't lock
or anything, but it'stechnically single use, you know
what?
Eric (02:01):
I hate those, it's really strange.
Matt (02:04):
So it's like there's a stall, there's a urinal and
there's the sink, so technicallyit's multi-use.
So I go into the stall because,as I've said many times on this
podcast, I don't fuck withurinals, no, and so I
immediately bypass that.
Eric (02:19):
I go into the stall, I do my situation and so while I'm in
, you do stall, I do mysituation, and so, while I'm in,
I do do your situation.
Matt (02:31):
The situation unravels so well, the plot thickens, the
plot loosens up and pinch theplot.
While I'm punching up the plotin the stall, the door opens,
yeah, and somebody starts usingthe sink, right as I am, right
as you're in post, right as Ihit post and I'm finished with
(02:54):
the business.
So I open the stall, I come outand there's this old man who's
washing his hands at the sink.
And you know, I don't thinkanything of it.
He had to wash his hands.
He came in, he clearly wentstraight for it.
So I'm doing the thing you doin bathrooms when somebody's
using this there's only one sinkand you're just like waiting
(03:14):
because there's nothing else todo.
Eric (03:16):
You're healthy's arms length away.
Matt (03:19):
Healthy arms length away back against the wall you know,
eyes on the exits eyes and theexits, just just sort of like
waiting your turn.
This man is not making eyecontact with me or anything like
that.
He's washing his hands, right,yeah, he turns off the sink.
Now next to me is like the thepaper towel roll dispenser thing
(03:40):
, so he turns around and he'sholding his hands up like a
surgeon that has just don'ttouch me, I'm sterile exactly
that is just cleansed.
And I should add that I said hewas washing his hands, but he
washed his whole.
He rolled up them sleeves, thatoxford shirt, all the way up,
(04:02):
and he's washed his forearms.
He's done all this and he turnsaround and he says to me,
before making eye contact I'msorry, I ordered lobster and I'm
an old man.
That's what he said, and that'swhat he said and he looked at
(04:28):
me as if I was saying what areyou doing here?
Eric (04:32):
Oh, so he was like sorry, I ordered lobster and I'm an old
man, Exactly the energy.
Matt (04:39):
Exactly the energy.
I ordered lobster and I'm anold man and like as if, like I
wish I would.
I wish I was there when heentered the room, because he
he's acting as if he came incovered in butter, yeah, and
elbow deep in shell of redlobster meat like how could this
(05:00):
have happened?
the blood is on my hands I havedrawn blood and butter and he
looked at me as if he, as if Iwas a priest in a confessional
and I was going to say I forgiveyou myself and I, just I did
(05:20):
the only thing I could do, whichwhich is go and wash my hands.
Eric (05:24):
Wait one more time, Like a door boy.
Matt (05:29):
And I washed my hands and I left and I never knew what
befell the man.
Eric (05:34):
Oh man, he's still in that bathroom.
He needed you to dry his hands.
Matt (05:39):
I own a lobster and I'm an old man and I can't stress this
enough.
I'm sorry he began unclear.
Unclear if he was apologizingfor like holding up the sink,
which was my assumption at thetime, but it could be a grander
apology.
Eric (05:59):
Oh yeah, he was just apologizing for him.
This is an existential apology.
Matt (06:07):
I'm sorry.
I ordered lobster and I'm anold man, as if to say I'm not
responsible.
Eric (06:15):
I can't be held accountable.
I can't be held accountable,Please.
We didn't know.
Matt (06:35):
Well, hello everybody, and welcome to you Didn't Ask For
this the podcast that answerslife's least pressing questions.
My name's Matt Shea, my name'sEric Poach, and joining us today
, we have a.
You know what?
Actually, eric, I always do theguest introduction, but you
know what?
(06:55):
Why don't you take the reins onthis one?
Eric (06:58):
Eric, oh may I.
Matt (06:59):
May I?
Eric (07:00):
I'm actually instructing you to yes, oh, okay.
Ladies and gentlemen, it is myhonor and privilege to introduce
a Baltimore artist, aprofessional creativity coach,
an all-around majestic andmagical human being, and my
(07:21):
girlfriend.
There it is.
Alyssa (07:24):
Alyssa.
Eric (07:24):
Forsythe, it's me, it's hey, it's alissa hi hey, alissa
hello eric and matt it's been.
Matt (07:33):
It feels like it's been a long time coming, but here we
are at doe underscore babe inthe flesh long time listener,
first time caller fuck yeah, butdidn't you call us on the
thought line?
Alyssa (07:46):
second time caller.
Matt (07:47):
Yeah, okay, second time caller, it's like a second date
yeah, oh, this is nice yeah yeah, beautiful.
Alyssa (07:55):
Thank you, guys for having me yeah, absolutely.
Matt (07:57):
Poach is already half undressed when I use this camera
footage on tiktok, but yeah,Listen it's hot, listen it's hot
.
Nice, eric, yes, matt, yeah,what's up Today?
Eric (08:09):
Yeah, today I and Alyssa, that's me.
Are here to discuss two thingswith you.
Matt (08:18):
Now wait a minute, Eric.
I want to bring the listenersin Before you say this.
I want to bring everybody up tospeed, Okay, and we?
I want to bring the listenersin Before you say this.
I want to bring everybody up tospeed, okay, and we were just
discussing this a moment ago.
Eric (08:26):
Are they about to learn how very hard we were selling
that casual?
Oh hey, there you are just now.
Yes, okay, good.
Matt (08:35):
I am usually the person who makes sure the guest knows
what to expect and, you know,makes sure they have questions
for us, et cetera, et cetera.
I just asked Alyssa because youknow you live together, that I
just assumed I didn't have to doany of that.
And I said to Alyssa now youhave some questions for us.
And Alyssa said well, and thenPoach said and this is true, he
(08:59):
said I'm going to be conducting,so listeners, whatever be,
conducting Yep, so listeners,whatever.
Buckle up jerks.
Exactly Whatever is about tofollow.
Eric (09:12):
I apologize and I am just coming off of three days of
being unmedicated for ADHD.
Alyssa (09:18):
Let's fucking go.
This is great, but alsoeverybody, you're welcome.
Eric (09:21):
Got that Vyvanse coursing through my veins.
Matt (09:24):
Okay so so sans questions from the guest Eric and I say
this with love what are we?
Eric (09:33):
doing here?
We are here to discuss twothings.
Alyssa (09:36):
Two things.
Eric (09:38):
Okay, neopets and Clown Court Okay, welcome to the
episode that.
I was put in charge of Neopetsand Clown Court.
Okay, welcome to the episodethat I was put in charge of
Neopets and Clown Court.
Matt (09:49):
I feel very much like I'm the guest you welcome.
Alyssa (09:53):
Matt, I've thought about this before and I literally in
my head, the way it went was yousaying hey, alyssa, and me
going, matt.
I need to talk about ClownCourt.
Okay yes, but we need to talkabout clown court.
Matt (10:05):
Okay, yes, but we need to talk about clown court and you
know what.
Now that you mentioned that,that has been alluded to on
previous episodes.
Eric (10:11):
I have been alluding to this for at least six months.
Alyssa (10:14):
And there was also a time a few weeks ago where I
said, Eric, what if I don't wantto talk about clown court and
the look?
Eric (10:20):
on his face Because we had discovered Neopets, and by we I
mean I, because I'm sorry I'msorry discovered neopets in the
year of our lord, 2024.
I've known about neopets, butlet me alissa describe for the
listeners your relationship toneopets oh you want the guest to
(10:40):
speak.
Alyssa (10:40):
How novel uh, it started about a month ago.
Um, I know because I just gotmy 30 day uh freebie prize, so I
know that I've been there for30 days now.
Um, I played congratulationsthank you so much.
Um, I played a lot in my youth,uh, and I don't know what came
over me in the past couplemonths, but I was like I gotta,
(11:02):
I gotta get back in this, Igotta see what's going on in
neopia.
So I neopia, neopia now matt,you see questions, if you have
them?
Matt (11:11):
ask them my man eric, I'm talking to alissa right now,
okay you could just no, no, fine, go off queen uh, so neopia.
Alyssa (11:19):
So I had to figure out what's going back on.
Uh, what's going on in neopia?
Um, I jumped back in and I havebeen checking into neopets
every single day since I jumpedback.
I've I've been consistent withit, um, and I also am an adhd
person, and for me to beconsistent in anything is
(11:39):
incredible.
Matt (11:40):
So neopets, um yeah well, first of all I want to say I'm
very proud of you.
Alyssa (11:46):
Thank you.
I really appreciate that.
Eric (11:48):
And let's establish a couple of things.
Yeah One, alyssa.
So you played in your youth.
This was like what, 2004, 2005?
Alyssa (11:59):
I would say, yeah, like eighth grade, like middle school
, into like early high schooland for the uninitiated.
Does somebody just want to, youknow, say what neopets is real
quick so neopets is a virtual uhcommunity where you can raise
um pets, but they are not anyspecies that exist in our normal
(12:21):
world.
Uh, there's like all differentcreatures um that were created
for Neopets, and you can feedthem and groom them, kind of
like a Tamagotchi.
You can also play games.
You can win Neopoints, whichare like your currency.
You can gamble it's where Ilearned to gamble.
You can do the stock market.
You have a bank account.
(12:41):
You can pick a team for thealtador cup, which is going on
right now, altador.
You can um customize your petsuh, you can.
There's auction houses, there'strading posts.
Matt (12:56):
Um, there is a lot of mischievous things that happen
now, in my youth, in ourcollective youth really, the
neopets was like, said, like aTamagotchi.
It was like a handheld thing.
What is it today, in 2024?
Alyssa (13:12):
In 2024, it is still an online.
Like I go onto the website.
They've tried and failed a fewdifferent apps on your phone,
but really it's a website.
Eric (13:21):
They originally made it in Flash.
This is like a Flash game Allthe games were in Flash All the
games that are in.
Alyssa (13:28):
Neopets were in Flash.
So when Flash died there's beena whole timeline.
Flash died, flash, yeah rip.
Sorry about it, but Flash diedAt one point.
Nickelodeon owned Neopets Atone point a Scientology company
owned it and tried to pushscientology through a
scientology company, not justscientology, yeah talk more
(13:49):
about this.
Eric (13:50):
See, this is what we're doing now let's go into that.
Alyssa (13:53):
Let me talk to you a little bit about this timeline
welcome to the history ofneopets okay, so um you're
welcome.
Matt (13:59):
This might actually eric truthfully.
If this is what we're doing,this might be the first time we
live up to our title.
Eric (14:06):
Yeah, yeah, doug, I understood the assignment.
Alyssa (14:09):
No one asked for this.
Matt (14:11):
Truly, I feel like, although I'm very curious.
I might have to give me aNeopet.
Bring your curiosity.
Alyssa (14:18):
Oh, I would I mean.
Eric already has a Neopet.
I've made one for Eric and Itake care of it and I customize
it Okay, You're not taking firstof all, you're not making my
Neopet.
Okay, okay, okay, okay, butwell, let me tell you All right,
fine, whatever, you can haveyour own Neopet.
We could be Neo friends though.
Matt (14:36):
Yeah, of course.
We could send each other items.
Neo point, you'll remember canyou also be enemies?
Sorry, I apologize.
Yeah, fix that in post.
Alyssa (14:45):
No, just kidding.
It was a good joke, I liked it.
Matt (14:50):
Thank you so much a lot.
Alyssa (14:52):
Um, at one point nickelodeon owned it and that's
when you kind of saw like allthe plushies and stuff come out
and then they stopped owning it.
And um, a company in hong kongowned a bunch of different
platforms and one of the guys inthe company just really loved
Neopets and made it his passionproject to keep it going and he
(15:13):
bought it with a bunch of peoplewho originally started Neopets.
So last year is the first timeit's gone back to the hands of
the people that really loved it.
Also in that timeline was atone point a company bought it
where they hired a Scientologyeducator to come and try to
teach children about Scientologyon Neopets and when the people
who originally started Neopetsfound out they were like no
(15:34):
we're not doing this Okay, highdrama.
Eric (15:36):
We are in a Neo-Renaissance.
Alyssa (15:38):
We are actually in a Neo-Renaissance.
Statistically speaking, morethan 40% of players are over the
age of 18.
Matt (15:48):
Now, um, they say it's mostly millennials who are I
would think so honestly.
Alyssa (15:50):
Yeah, and they say it is for nostalgic regions, but also
I'm a millionaire in neopetsnow and I was never a
millionaire before I have I haveso many neocoins oh yeah, you
want to know why?
Because we know what to do nowhonestly, I'm capitalism so well
right now, like I.
Matt (16:05):
I am midway through my second, so for christmas I got a
few different um, what I'llrefer to as big boy lego sets,
and, uh, I've never had any roomto place these things or
anything, so I made thistypewriter so you bought a house
.
Eric (16:20):
So I bought a house so I could have legos.
Matt (16:22):
um, so I bought this typewriter which works like it's
a, this typewriter which worksLike it's a working typewriter.
It's very intricate.
And then I just started theDeLorean set which I believe,
eric, you have as well.
Eric (16:32):
Yes, I do have.
Matt (16:33):
And as opposed to when I was a kid and I remember sort of
being stressed doing them Ifind the sets now to be actually
quite therapeutic, to just sitand, like, focus on, like I have
one task.
I have one task.
Alyssa (16:48):
I'm just gonna sit quietly and you know how to sort
the pieces, exactly like we'rea little strategic.
Matt (16:54):
Okay, I'm gonna keep this bag together.
Oh, all the black shapes overhere, you know.
So I totally understand whygoing back to something from a
youth hobby is with today'sskills yeah I really should.
Eric (17:11):
I got full motor skills.
My prefrontal cortex is fullydeveloped.
Fully developed, let's fuckinggo and I.
Alyssa (17:19):
I started about a month ago when I, when I got, when I
stumbled back in on this, Istarted a new account because I
couldn't for the life of meremember like an older account.
I tried to do this about like10 years ago and I don't think I
was mature enough yet forneopets.
Eric (17:32):
Um, it didn't last very long and did you love your
neopet or did you just love theidea of it?
Alyssa (17:40):
oh no, I love my neopets , but I could not take care of
them the way they deserved it.
I love them, but it just itjust turned into guilt.
Matt (17:47):
We're gonna get you a Neopet.
You gotta be able to take careof it.
Alyssa (17:51):
Now you're looking at the proud owner of six Neopets.
Matt (17:54):
Whoa a Neo army yeah.
Alyssa (17:57):
So I was locked out of my old account and I just kind
of gave up.
And then I had an epiphanyabout what my password was.
So I logged back in and I wasable to put my old neopets up
for adoption and adopt them withmy new account and get my old
neopets my neopets, my 16 plusyear old neopets I have now
brought over to my new accountand I had to leave one neopet
(18:19):
behind in my old account.
That's the rules.
So I made a very peaceful frogneopet.
That's named.
I'm Totally Chill because Iknow he's going to be fine.
Matt (18:27):
Because he has to go out on his own now.
Alyssa (18:29):
Yeah, and I do go back and feed him still, because I
can't stand the idea that he's aburner pet.
Matt (18:35):
So he's not self-sufficient, he's not out in
the world getting his own food?
Eric (18:40):
No, he's trapped in a little digital box.
Alyssa (18:44):
I wouldn't say that, please, but he's chill, he's so
chill.
Eric (18:47):
He's fine with it.
Alyssa (18:48):
Okay, his name is.
I'm Totally Chill, so he's gotto be kind of chill.
What?
Matt (18:52):
I'm hearing is I'm hearing the electronic equivalent of
someone who just leaves theirdog outside all the time.
Eric (18:59):
Wow, but in this world your dog can't die, it can only
get like a tummy ache.
Alyssa (19:04):
And I check on him every day to give him some food.
I just don't interact with likethe big activities that like I
didn't want to double dip on mywheel of excitements and things
like that yeah, you don't givehim any sort of life, you just
make him exist.
I even shop for outfits for himin my other account and I send
them as gifts.
Oh, you can get outfits.
Oh, you can get outfits.
(19:26):
Oh, you can get outfits, areyou Ooh.
Matt (19:36):
If you remember the movie Daybreakers when they have the
columns of human beings hookedup to blood machines so that the
vampires have something to putin their coffee.
You're going to give me shitabout movies and Google gripes
that I can and cannot bring up,but you're going to reference
Daybreakers.
Eric (19:44):
Starring Sir Willem Dafoe.
Yes, yes, I will.
Matt (19:47):
Fine Noted.
Noted for round three.
Go on.
Eric (19:55):
Alyssa.
Alyssa (19:55):
Yeah.
Eric (19:56):
So I want to put a couple of things into perspective.
So one, when we say Alyssa'slike a neo-millionaire, she is
like a neo-chic, she is like aneo chic.
Oh, she is, and she is a neobaron, you own a soccer team or
two.
I am doing fucking loaded Okay.
Alyssa (20:15):
Yeah.
Matt (20:17):
So if I'm going to get into neo pets me and my
addictive personality you'resomeone to know.
Alyssa (20:23):
Yeah, oh, I will.
I'll hook it up.
I'll give you a cute littlestarter pack.
We'll make sure you, your newpets, are never hungry.
Whatever paintbrush you want,we'll find it for you.
Met, like that's been, the realtreat is getting paintbrushes
I've been watching this is freethis is free dog it is free, so
you can pay for the ad freeversion, which I.
(20:43):
It's eight dollars a month andit's something that has brought
me so much joy that I'm likefucking take $8 from it.
Matt (20:48):
No, sometimes it's worth it.
Alyssa (20:50):
I want to support it.
I want it to stick around.
Eric (20:52):
Neopets, please sponsor us .
We're shilling so hard rightnow.
Alyssa (20:57):
Neopets.
And you know what, if you'relistening and you're like, maybe
I want Neopets, buy the premium.
Matt (21:01):
Now Buy the premium Now.
I just went to Neopetscom andthe first thing it's trying to
sell me is trading cards.
Alyssa (21:08):
No, I know it has to.
They need to survive, they needthe money.
Eric (21:13):
It's a Neo thing.
Alyssa (21:15):
I don't have the trading cards, but you can also get
digital trading cards in thegame.
Matt (21:20):
So what's Neopass?
Alyssa (21:23):
So you need to get Neopass that's kind of like your
platform to get into Neopass.
Matt (21:26):
I got it.
That's their account, so theycan email me shit.
Alyssa (21:30):
I haven't gotten a single email from.
Eric (21:31):
Neopass.
Oh okay, they're veryrespectful.
Alyssa (21:34):
So actually Neopets, it's per household Neopass, so a
household has a Neopass andthen all the accounts in the
household can be under thatNeopass.
Accounts in the household canbe under that neopass.
Um, so like I have my newaccount and then my like old,
old, ancient.
Matt (21:47):
Uh, now, if I were to make a neopet and then immediately
forget about it, would it die,or would it just die?
Alyssa (21:53):
they just, they do they just suffer eternally they.
It will literally say like,like, so it's like animal
crossing.
Just cockroaches will come intomy house they will be crying,
they will under like um hunger.
It will say um.
It will say dying, or it'll saystarving, um mood, it will
probably say very sad.
(22:14):
There is so many neopetsdiseases they could catch and
there is a pharmacy.
There's a pharmacy that you cango.
Do you want to know some of theNeopets diseases?
Eric (22:24):
Yes, yes God.
Alyssa (22:26):
I forgot about this.
Eric (22:28):
They're so good.
Alyssa (22:31):
Just start rattling them off.
Also, if anyone wants to befriends with me on Neopets, my
name on there is DoeBabeD-O-E-B-A-B-E.
I would love.
All the Neopets friends.
So if we go to the hospital theNeo hospital, all the neopets
friends.
So if we go to the hospital,the neo hospital, yes, uh, it
will tell us all these diseases.
And then you have to.
You have to if your pet comesdown with a disease which could
(22:53):
be like a happenstance or likemaybe they ate something bad or
whatever, then you go to the neohospital, you go find diseases
and they'll tell you what thecure is and then you have to buy
the cure.
And usually you'll buy the curefrom a community like, like
there's a marketplace that, likeall the everyone has their own
shops, or you can get it fromthe official pharmacy I see, and
(23:13):
I see there's like a, there'slike a wiki-esque site jelly neo
jelly neo yes that's myfavorite site I just pulled it
up, we got things such as bloatyfeet bloaty feet, uh-huh
chikaru fuzzy titus diak show.
Matt (23:29):
Diak show diak show.
Alyssa (23:31):
I don't know the oh, oh, don't you the two?
Oh, don't you your pet will gointo a massive sneezing fit and
its eyes will become very sore.
But the way to fix it is towipe their nose with neopkins of
course it is obviously ofcourse it is uh, you could get
lumps.
Okay, that's just which uh?
Eric (23:53):
I got a little.
I got the lump stock.
Alyssa (23:54):
I'm in a bad way hoochie coochies is a is a talk to me
about hoochie coochies um, ifyou, if your pet gets hoochie
coochies, then it breaks outinto blue and green spots, but
it's okay, the cure is hoochies.
Um, if you, if your pet getshoochie coozees, then it breaks
out into blue and green spots,but it's okay, the cure is
hoochie coochie tablets, andcurrently there's like a huge
plot going on that you couldjump in on it's.
There's a couple, there's acouple plots, but the biggest
(24:17):
plot right now is called avoid,within which I feel like speaks
to just about everybody and Ijust want to reiterate.
Matt (24:26):
I want to reiterate to our regular audience the target
demographic.
As far as I know, we are notgetting any money from Neopets,
despite this sounding like asales pitch.
Not a Neoscent, but Neopets.
If you wish to pay us, I'll behappy to shell out for you.
Alyssa (24:47):
That would be the coolest.
Eric (24:49):
Neopets.
How fucking dope would it be ifwe pulled Neopets as a sponsor?
Matt (24:54):
Honestly, probably, and this might sink our chances.
Probably not great.
I can't imagine.
Alyssa just said they'reselling cards because they need
money.
Alyssa (25:02):
Well, remember they're in a renaissance, though they
just got bought back last yearand they said that the, if you
look at like the earnings, andstuff.
Matt (25:08):
They said that they are the niassance, they said the
sales event um sales event thatmakes it sound like it's toyota
thon or something that's well,that's what neosance made it.
That's that's I see this istheir happy honda days yeah,
yeah, yeah yes, and also withyou.
Eric (25:26):
So the plot, the void within, yeah, I never knew about
a plot.
Matt (25:31):
This must be new.
Alyssa (25:33):
There's tons of different plots that have
happened, but this plotcurrently that's happening all
of a sudden a bunch of bigfigures because there's a lot of
NPC type characters in Neopia.
Eric (25:44):
Your king moon raisers.
Alyssa (25:45):
There's a huge Neopia, just so everyone knows.
Also, neopia is a huge andthere are tons of different
places in Neopia.
You can go to Fairyland, youcan go to Altador, you can go to
the Haunted Woods, you can go.
It's every flavor of fantasyyou can go to in Neopia.
Eric (26:04):
Bury my heart at Altador.
Matt (26:07):
Now is there a Pokemon aspect.
Are we battling?
Alyssa (26:15):
Are we.
Eric (26:15):
There is a battle dome.
I choose not to.
She's a conscientious.
I just don't enjoy it and y'allthis ain't a bit.
Alissa's the least violentperson.
I choose not to her life okay Itried.
Alyssa (26:26):
I just choose not to.
But my, my neopets are.
There's currently a war andthey are serving volunteer time
in the hospital.
Um, they're not in the paddlefighting the war, but they are
there's.
So the void within um,essentially what's happening is
a bunch of characters areturning gray um and getting
really depressed and, like this,like massive depression is
(26:46):
coming over neopia.
So there is now this likebattle happening and every day a
different chapter, a differentum part of the chapter is
released on what's happening.
So we're only we just hitchapter three and there's like
12 plus chapters and everychapter has like 10 subsections
you're describing like, how,like, at like, this plague of
depression and nothingness andlike.
Eric (27:08):
Ask me how?
I know this game was made forand by millennials you're
describing scientology.
Matt (27:15):
I want you to know that the levels, the sub levels, no,
they're out of scientology.
Alyssa (27:20):
They were.
They're anti-scientology,they're pro gambling well sure,
when neo-xenu there'sscratch-offs.
Eric (27:29):
There's poker stored the souls of the Neopets in the Neo
crystals.
Matt (27:34):
All the Neopets have gone clear.
They're good.
Eric (27:37):
Tom Cruise is technically a Neopet TC.
Please.
Matt (27:41):
Sorry, that's how they refer to him in Scientology.
I don't know if you actually Dothey actually?
Yeah, they call him TC.
Oh, my God as a code, but likeI know it and I'm not a
scientist, it's not a very goodcode, I mean.
Rms yeah, exactly, but no, theydo call them TC.
Eric (28:01):
Alyssa could you describe for me some of the greatest?
Alyssa (28:04):
Neopet controversies.
Eric (28:04):
Yes, actually this is good , let's pivot to this the
greatest Neopet controversies.
Matt (28:10):
Oh my gosh.
Yes, actually, this is good.
Let's pivot to this, let'spivot to the controversies.
Eric (28:16):
Let's pivot to the darkest parts of this.
It doesn't have to be plot-wise.
I mean like in the like Neopets, give me the Ne-O-T, the Ne-O-T
Pour the Ne-O-T.
Matt (28:27):
Pour the Ne-O-T.
Alyssa (28:34):
Well, poor the neotee, poor the neotee.
Well huh, that's a goodquestion.
I thank you.
I will say that I'm I'mstarting to notice, um now, that
the players that are playingare millennials.
Something that I think isinteresting is that all of those
like diseases that I mentioned,um hoochie coochies the hoochie
coochie, things like that.
The cures to these diseasesused to be really expensive and
now people are selling them intheir shops for cheaper and
(28:55):
cheaper and they're undercuttingeach other, as if they want to
say that this health care shouldbe.
Matt (29:00):
Should be free.
Alyssa (29:01):
Free.
I have started making a thingin my Neopets shop where I will
raise the prices of certainthings in order to keep the
medicine prices as low aspossible.
Eric (29:16):
Whoa.
Even in Neopets she is an ally.
Alyssa (29:21):
What's really interesting is that you have a
shop wizard and it will live,tell you what everyone is
selling their things for.
Matt (29:32):
So say we wanted to get what was on this little list.
So what you're saying is likewhat you're trying to do is make
your Neo shop an oasis foraffordable health care.
Alyssa (29:43):
But I'm not the only one doing that.
Matt (29:45):
No, but no.
But to do that.
It comes at the expense ofraising prices elsewhere.
Eric (29:51):
Well, what she's saying, Matt, is that the free market
self-regulates.
Matt (29:56):
Yes, and what I'm hearing is Neopets is showing for the
umpteenth time how communismfails in practice.
Eric (30:04):
Yeah, and how unregulated capitalism can run rampant.
Matt (30:06):
Yeah, it's the invisible hand of Neopia, and how
unregulated capitalism can runrampant.
Eric (30:10):
Yeah, yeah, it's the invisible hand of neopia.
Matt (30:14):
Can run rampant, also known as the way.
Alyssa (30:21):
Currently the shops that you would like, the Neopet
shops themselves.
They all have the inflationrate and I believe it's at like
2.1%.
Eric (30:31):
The inflation rate, the neoflation rate, like if I were
to go.
I have watched my girlfriendplay the neo stock market for
hours oh, I'm no stranger to tosuch virtual stock exchanges.
Matt (30:45):
I remember, I remember the animal crossing heyday of of
watching the markets online forthe best, best island to go to
it.
Alyssa (30:58):
It does become kind of like also like feast or famine
when like there is a prize, likeso I do my dailies.
Like everyone does theirdailies, whatever game they play
, you gotta do your dailies yeahand if you do your dailies for
a week, then you get like aweekly prize sure and the prizes
are pretty fucking good.
Okay, but there there's a prizepool and like places like jelly
(31:18):
neo will be like this is what'savailable for the prize pool and
once things start becomingavailable in the prize pool,
even if it's like a slight,slight, slight chance, you're
gonna see that value drop in theshops for whatever the item is
um, so if there's a lot, it's alot of, it's a lot of paying
attention to the, the shopwizard yeah um, he's, he's a,
he's a cute little kachik.
(31:39):
Uh, kachik is a type of aspecies of pokemon of course of
pokemon obviously yeah, oh no,pokemon neopets.
Where am I?
What are we talking about?
Um of neopets?
Uh and um, he's a shop wizard.
He has a cute little wizard hatand he tells you how much
everything is.
Matt (31:55):
But yeah, I could just drop based on just like the
tiniest action I had no ideathat there was so, so much
involved with neopets and neopetownership.
I didn't know that there was Ishould universe.
Eric (32:08):
This is why the first half of this episode is Neopets.
Because, I too did not knowthis until Alyssa picked it back
up and I was like and one day Iwas like, hey, what's, what's
all this?
Then?
Matt (32:20):
And I do appreciate you flagging and putting it out
there that everybody has theirquote unquote dailies Because,
like it's true, like I I'm aword alert, among other things,
I'm a word alert one one thingthat I have done is there's I
have this baseball game on myphone.
That's like all great cellphone games, very micro
(32:41):
transaction based, and it's gota bunch of daily stuff, free
card packs, all this bullshitand um, it is interesting how
these types of games and fittinginto a routine get you, because
I used to play this samebaseball game a long, long time
(33:01):
ago and I stopped for like ayear or so and when I tried to
come back to it, my account wasgone and I started a new account
and I thought, well, yeah, thisis probably not going to last,
but I'll start from scratch andsee where I get.
That was 11 years ago, that'swhen I hit you with the dailies.
(33:24):
And now I'm so advanced that allthe dailies mean nothing.
The daily rewards and stuff,they mean nothing to me, but you
must do them, but I must dothem.
Alyssa (33:38):
I get it.
You get the serotonin fromcompleting this task.
Yes and as an ADHD gal, give mea structure and give me a
serotonin and I am like here Iam Happy place.
Happy place yeah.
Matt (33:52):
Oh, I'm sorry.
Conductor Poach would like tosay something, thank you, thank
you.
Eric (33:57):
All aboard.
Oh, that's my boyfriend.
Oh, better get on the Neo trainnow, son.
Matt (34:02):
Yeah, is it time to move on to Clown Court?
Eric (34:10):
This is our time to gently ease out of neopia.
Matt (34:11):
We're all.
Eric (34:12):
We're all gonna look at neopia.
We're gonna wave it goodbye,because it's been such a good.
Matt (34:13):
Thank you, neopia.
Alyssa (34:14):
Tell you what I've gone so far as to open the tab to
neopets, so it's very possibleI'll dive in, yeah before we
leave neopia, I do want to sayum, today is the last day it
ends, so, uh, neopian time isabout three hours behind.
Eric (34:27):
Neopia ends today.
Alyssa (34:29):
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Neopia.
Time is about.
The neopocalypse has arrived,the neopocalypse.
Eric (34:36):
The nyen times are here.
Alyssa (34:39):
The Altador Cup, which is kind of the.
It's kind of like the Euro Cupof Neopia.
Today is the last day where youcan pick what team you want to
support, so it is a really greatday For you to get into the new
Pets I might just have to.
Eric (34:57):
This sport, just from what I've seen, seems to be a cross
Of like full contact Football,lacrosse, and that one Thing
you'd have at the beach where itwas like A hook with a ball,
that thing, yeah, like thelittle, that one thing you'd
have at the beach where it waslike a hook with a ball.
Alyssa (35:11):
You know what I'm talking about.
Yeah, I know what you mean.
That thing, yes, yeah, like thelittle, like hooky.
Eric (35:16):
Yeah, but it's also like a murder dome.
Alyssa (35:18):
Yeah, I'm trying to see what the little balls are called
, because the balls move around,kind of like how the snitches
were, like real, like active.
Sentient, sentient.
Yeah, I think they're calledlike your yo-yo, you're your
ball, I don't know, but they'recute little creatures and they
curl up into balls and then someof them have different elements
.
Um, but today is last day youcan pick a team and that's what
(35:39):
I think you, matt shea, wouldreally be I might have to
explore this.
Matt (35:43):
I really might have to I matt.
Please make a neopets accountnow you say that to me, eric, as
if I wasn't just informed thatyou don't do Neopets, alyssa
just does it for you.
Alyssa (35:56):
I think that Eric has been saving himself for Neopets,
until I talk about it on thisepisode.
That is exactly what washappening, matt, every time I
try to talk about Neopets,because I get so excited and all
I want to do is talk aboutNeopets.
Matt (36:08):
There's been this like so if I answer these questions now
if I eric, if I oh, I see, I seeso say we were saving it for
the show saving it for content.
I understand and I respect it.
Yeah, now listen, if I make aneopet eric, will you make a
neopet?
Eric (36:25):
yeah, babe, should we make each other as a Neopet?
Oh?
Yeah okay, I mean we can havemore Neopets, but like, but one
of them has to be.
Matt (36:37):
One of them has to be.
Eric (36:38):
I'll make you, you make me .
Alyssa (36:40):
Eric, do you remember what yours is named, do you?
Matt (36:42):
remember what yours is Uwutoof.
Alyssa (36:43):
Uwutoof.
Matt (36:44):
Uwutoof.
Alyssa (36:46):
Uwutoof.
Eric (36:53):
Yeah, eric, I, yeah, eric, I, I could get down with that.
Matt (36:54):
Okay, I'll make a neopets account today.
I will make a neo, I'll do it.
Fuck it.
I'll do it right now, fuckingI'll sign up right.
I'll do it right now you thinkI give a neo fuck, I'll do it
right now hey, we don't need tobring that in.
Alyssa (37:05):
Neo pets is a nice, nice thing not once I get in there.
Eric (37:08):
No, we're gonna hope neopets is ready to get fucking
toxic oh man, I'm coming in forthat.
I'm coming in hot I'm coming inhot oh, welcome neopian.
I'm jike, fellow adventurer,find explorer, according to some
, and story traveler.
Matt (37:28):
The hell was that.
Eric (37:29):
This is the Australian blue tiger that is welcoming me
to Neopia dog.
Matt (37:36):
I have joined and I do see Jake, fellow adventurer, famed
explorer, according to some, andstory traveler.
Funny how you got his accent.
Perfect, eric.
Alyssa (37:46):
Thank you.
Matt (37:47):
Do I have to read this profile dashboard?
Don't care, i'm'm gonna wing itno, I've already been.
Eric (37:52):
I've been nexting through all of this yeah, fuck it.
Alyssa (37:55):
I don't want to read all this I'll let you guys know
anything you need to know Idon't want to read this
literature.
Matt (38:01):
No, you didn't come here to read.
I didn't come here to read, Icame here to raise a life.
Eric (38:06):
Yeah, are you making me right now?
Are you making me right now?
Oh, are you making me?
Matt (38:09):
right now.
Oh, that's right, I'm supposedto be making Poach.
Hold on, I got to find thetallest one.
I'm going with.
Alyssa (38:17):
Go with your heart.
Matt (38:18):
I'm going with Grawl, grawl and I'm going to name it.
Oh, the name Poach is taken.
Alyssa (38:24):
Not by me.
I didn't do that?
Matt (38:25):
What about Poachy Woachy?
Alyssa (38:27):
woke she.
Oh yeah, that's good poachywoke she is also taken this site
has been on for like 20 plusyears.
Matt (38:36):
It's hard to find a name all right, so he's a grarl, so
I'm gonna call him how can youcombine t-rex with poach?
Okay, eric poach, with two r's.
One word is not taken.
So Urkpoch is who I'm goingwith and I'm going to make him.
I'm looking at Eric Do I wanthim green?
(38:57):
Do I want blue?
You know what I'm not going tosay?
I'm just going to make him whatI think is right.
Alyssa (39:01):
You are going to have to answer some questions about him
too.
Matt (39:04):
Answer some questions.
Where does my Neopet like tolive?
Eric (39:10):
For this question.
I answered the sea, because youare a lord of sea land oh,
thank you, I was gonna say cityoh, were you able to make a name
like get matt's name in for aneopet?
Oh yeah, matthew underscoreshay was available how?
Matt (39:26):
how does neopet greet others?
I'm gonna oh wait, maybe I canjust do that.
Does it have to be one word?
Eric underscore, poach alsoworks.
I'm going to say how does yourNeopet greet others?
I will say approach withcaution.
Eric (39:44):
How does your Neopet, what does your Neopet like doing
Reading and learning.
That's what I said for you.
Matt (39:51):
Yeah, that's cute you guys are neo friends okay, so I've
made, I've made him, I'vecreated him oh, this is.
Eric (39:59):
This is abs.
How does your neopet greetothers?
Matthew shea stands his ground.
You're goddamn right he does.
Matt (40:11):
So I've made, I've made an Eric Poach, you've made a
Matthew Shea, so together theywill meet up.
But you know, I don't.
I know that our guest doesn'thave all night.
So should we ask about ClownCourt?
Alyssa (40:26):
but this is the best day of my life that two more people
are on.
Neopets with me now.
This is great.
Eric (40:31):
Okay, the Neo train has left the Neo station.
Matt (40:34):
The Neo train's left the Neo station.
Thank you, neopets.
So thank you, neopets, andthank you, alyssa for the
question which I guess was Morelike the quest.
Thank you for the quest.
Thank you for the quest.
Alyssa (40:48):
You're welcome, Matt.
Matt (40:53):
Conductor.
Can we get us?
Can the train leave the station?
Eric (40:56):
Matt Eric, I need you to understand.
Matt (40:59):
Just go ahead and rip it open there, alyssa, it's all
good.
Eric (41:03):
Oh, what flavor of Faygo is that babe?
Alyssa (41:05):
Oh, you mean this cotton candy Faygo?
Eric (41:08):
Only the finest Whoop whoop, get that.
This cotton candy, faygo.
Only the finest Whoop whoop,let's get that.
I'm ready to discuss.
Matt (41:17):
I was going to say I have to cut all this, but now I feel
like I got to leave it in.
Eric (41:20):
The worst part is I desperately want a sip of that.
Matt (41:23):
No, it's too goddamn bad.
Alyssa (41:24):
It's so good.
Matt (41:26):
Eric, if you want a sip of that.
You got to get through thisepisode.
Eric (41:38):
So, matt, I'm goinga hit you with.
Tell me, for the love of christ, this was.
I will preface this only with.
This was born out of a 2 amconversation.
This is most of our show.
Matt (41:45):
We were both very, both, very you were heightened.
Alyssa (41:50):
Spirited.
You were elevated.
Eric (41:52):
I was yes, I was elevated, I got you.
I was in touch with my higherself.
Alyssa (41:57):
Yes, yes, and I just showed up.
Eric (42:00):
Here's the question.
Matt Tell me and this is forall of us this is going to be a
group exercise.
Matt (42:06):
I hope so, because the show is designed to be heard by
an audience.
Eric (42:12):
Matt what happens in?
Clown Court Matt what happensin Clown Court.
Matt, Matt, let me hit you withthis, matt, matt, the Honorable
Judge Sprinkles presiding Honk,honk.
Alyssa (42:25):
Matt, okay, matt what happens in Clown Court.
Matt (42:27):
Matt, let's talk about Clown Court, Okay first of all,
my blood pressure is spikingbecause I feel like I'm suddenly
on trial.
Alyssa (42:34):
Ironically, welcome to clown court.
Welcome to clown court.
Matt (42:53):
I'm going to suggest humbly that it is some sort of
the branch of the judicialsystem seldom talked about or
referenced, or indeedacknowledged, yeah, where clown
crimes, crimes against clowningand comedy are brought before
the honorable judge sprinklesnow, matt, you're giving me very
good thoughts and that's agreat answer to the question.
Eric (43:06):
What is clown court?
Yes, but the question I askedwhat happens in clown court?
Matt (43:13):
okay, I thought I answered that in the sense that shut the
fuck up and let me speak,senator, he'll get there.
He'll get there.
The what happens in clown courtis clown crimes are brought
before a clown judge and a clownjury for them to determine what
is or is not funny about it.
Eric (43:33):
Matt, the judge's gavel is inflatable and makes a squeak
sound.
Yeah, every time it hits, ithits.
Alyssa (43:40):
Matt, do you think at any point the Harlem
Globetrotters come in and go?
Oh, we thought this was abasketball court and then they
all leave doing cool HarlemGlobetrotter tricks?
Matt (43:57):
I think it's certainly on the table.
Eric (43:59):
I actually think if a harlem globetrotter should be on
the jury as a mandate.
Oh uh, yeah, yeah, yeah uh.
Do you think that the that thejudge holds people in clown
tempt?
Alyssa (44:07):
no, do you think, when you swear on a bible or whatever
you're swearing on in clowncourt, that the the daisy on the
bailiff's chest squirts youwith water?
Matt (44:21):
I think it does.
I think actually what happensis, everything is very jovial,
everything's very fun, and thenwhen a sentence is passed, they
lay you down and chop off yourfucking head right there in the
middle and they say no, thisfucking, if you don't commit to
the bit, that's a fuckingcapital offense and off with his
(44:42):
goddamn dome yes, and matt, doyou think?
What are we doing here?
Are you gonna tell me what thefuck this is?
Or is this just this weird gangup that is happening?
Eric (44:55):
here.
No, no, no, no, no One episode,one episode.
Matt (44:58):
I put you in charge of.
Eric (44:59):
He'll get there, folks, he'll get there, he'll get there
.
Matt (45:02):
You're supposed to be sharing the information.
Alyssa, You're the guest.
What is Clown Court?
Alyssa (45:13):
Matt, do you Inquiring minds want to know what clown
court is?
Eric (45:17):
do you think, when they call up a witness, the
prosecution goes who's thisclown?
Matt (45:27):
I god, I can only hope.
So do you think?
Eric (45:30):
do you think at some point you think a couple tennis
players walk in and go wrongcourt, do you?
Alyssa (45:36):
think that the jury all gets out of one car.
Matt (45:38):
I would like to suggest that also.
What frequently happens is if awitness is on the stand and
starts crying, the judge sayshere I have a tissue and just
Matt.
Eric (45:52):
Matt, thank you, you're here.
Thank you, now, you're here.
Alyssa (45:57):
Welcome to.
Eric (45:58):
Clown Court Matt.
Welcome to Clown Court.
Alyssa (46:00):
Matt, you made it Honk honk.
Eric (46:05):
Oh God, Clown Court so we're making Clown Court up.
No man.
What happens to Clown Court?
Wait a minute, eric.
Eric, hold on.
Matt (46:18):
Eric, for a very long time now you've mentioned that I
need to ask Alyssa about ClownCourt when she's on the podcast.
Alyssa (46:27):
Yeah.
Matt (46:28):
And here we are.
The moment has arrived, andyou're telling me that Clown
Court was an uncooked bit, thatwe were going to stick in the
oven.
Alyssa (46:38):
No, no, no.
Clown Court was in our heartsthe entire time.
Clown Court was the friends wemade along the way.
Eric (46:44):
I will remind the prosecution that Clown Court was
built on bits Yep.
Matt (46:52):
Remind.
First of all, all all right.
So the honorable judgesprinkles yeah, is is presiding.
Eric (47:00):
He's an all nonsense.
Judge, you do not want him, ohyou do.
Matt (47:06):
He is all nonsense so who do you want?
Who's the preferred overseer ofthe clown court?
Eric (47:12):
oh man, so we've got the honorable I never thought about
that.
Yeah, yeah, the honorable judgelike you, you're only op,
that's.
That's the bit is you do notwant judge every time.
Like judge sprinkles allnonsense and it makes it makes
the clown lawyers sweat oh, Isee, because you don't know what
what's coming next?
Matt (47:32):
is that yeah?
Eric (47:33):
yeah.
Do you think in clown court?
Tell me it is critical.
At no point in this trial do weactually know what the person
is being accused of.
Alyssa (47:44):
I don't think we get there I would love to see a
normal trial happen, but atclown court, like a legitimate,
like traffic trial or you know,a homicide happen at a 10 little
car pile up a 10 little carpile up happen at clown court
what are the crimes you thinkthey prosecute in clown court
matt?
Matt (48:04):
well, first of all, the 10 car pile up.
Would 10 clown car pile upwould have untold casualties oh
yeah, this is this is a federalclown court.
You might not be able torecover all those bodies.
No, because how'd they get themin there in the first place.
Alyssa (48:22):
The whole jury was lost.
They were in the clown car.
Eric (48:27):
The bodies are still seen because every ambulance they've
sent the guys get out, put themon the gurney and then pick it
up, but the gurney breaks.
Matt (48:36):
You know, a good journey is hard to find.
Alyssa (48:41):
And so 12 angry men is just 12 funny men 12 funny men.
Some funny guys.
Matt (48:49):
Huh.
Clown court Clown court.
Alyssa (48:53):
Matt, welcome.
What happened to clown court?
What?
Matt (48:56):
happened to clown court.
I feel like we've covered italmost no.
Matt.
So wait, are you just?
You're telling me that this wasborn out of you just in sort of
elevated state of mind?
Are just talking about thevarious crimes.
Eric (49:12):
What goes on in?
Matt (49:12):
clown court and you haven't come up with any crimes
that might take place in clowncourt that are tried.
Alyssa (49:17):
Or punishments, really.
Matt (49:19):
Yeah, talk to me about a punishment.
Eric (49:20):
Throw the book at him, smack right in the forehead with
a book or you know what.
Alyssa (49:25):
Honestly, I think if you're in the witness stand,
it's going to be one of thosethings where you throw the ball
and if you hit the target youfall into the thing of water.
Matt (49:33):
Well, it's always hard for them when they have to throw
the book at somebody becauseit's so thick they can't pick it
up.
Alyssa (49:40):
So it is.
It is comically big, it'scomically big.
You know it's like the sizeit's a dunk tank.
Matt (49:47):
It's the size of like a like a Greek pillar.
Alyssa (49:54):
And greek pillar, and you know they got a about.
It takes three clowns just toget up an inch, and I mean even
walking to that book.
They're wearing those goofy bigshoes.
Matt (49:58):
It's not easy those shoes I've put on clown shoes before
they're not easy to move around.
Oh yeah, we did, did we do thatwith mr bill.
We did do a clown workshop, aclown shop.
Alyssa (50:11):
Um, that is that where you learned all that I learned
so much clown knowledge fromeric about like the clown
museums with the eggs and do youknow about this, matt, I don't
know what you're talking aboutwith the eggs, do you?
Eric (50:23):
know, every clown has their face, their face paint,
like every official clown, likelegitimate clown, has their face
, their clown face, in aregistry.
And this registry this was atradition that started like a
fucking century ago.
They track what every clown'sface paint is.
(50:44):
I'm not making this up.
There's a little egg with yourclown face on it in a repository
of clown face eggs.
Interesting.
That's how they run DNA inClown Court.
Matt (50:56):
I would not have thought that was their solution to
23andMe to find out what yourclown lineage is.
Alyssa (51:04):
The yolk's on you.
Eric (51:08):
Ay wow, Clown Court.
Are you making a mockery ofthis court?
Good.
Matt (51:15):
Ah, judge Sprinkles.
He's so hard to pin down younever know what kind of mood
he's going to be in.
Eric (51:19):
I'm out of order.
You're out of order.
This whole court's out of order.
The vending machine in thelobby's out of order.
Alyssa (51:27):
Clown court.
Matt (51:28):
It just seems like you're trying to do A Marx Brothers bit
and can't quite remember it.
Alyssa (51:37):
That's us at 2 am, every single day.
Matt (51:41):
Because you're like halfway to a Groucho voice that
you're doing now.
Yeah.
By the way, eric, have you seenMarx Brothers films?
Yeah, any of them.
Which ones?
I've never watched all of ofone, but I've watched like
that's exactly what I meanyou've never seen night at the
opera or duck soup specifically,no, okay, so both of those are
(52:02):
required viewing, because theyaren't oh yeah, they don't so
much hold up, as they are justplain old, hilarious so good.
Eric (52:13):
Some point there will be accusations of like lawyerly
misconduct.
Matt (52:16):
Eric couldn't give a fuck about what I had to talk about
with Mark's brothers.
Eric (52:20):
He is really right back in it.
I've got to circle back to itbefore it gets lost.
I'll circle back, follow up.
At some point there's alawyerly dispute.
Someone's accused of misconductand he's like wait until the
bar hears about this.
And in the back of the room,like 10 people like they'll look
up with drinks in their hands.
But yeah, no, I do need towatch these groucho.
(52:42):
It was duck soup and what wasthe other one?
Matt (52:45):
well, there's many, but a night at the opera is the one
that I would.
And then animal crackers isalso really good.
That's where you get the um.
I mean, groucho has all thebest one-liners, but the uh, all
of the marx brothers are arehysterical.
There's three main ones, ofcourse.
I'm sure you can name them oh,oh of the marx brothers.
Eric (53:06):
Oh yeah, it's uh there's groucho, there's groucho, yeah,
there's, uh there's, there's no.
Matt (53:13):
No, that's one of the seven dwarves that you've
confused it with there's Shep.
Chico and Harpo are the othertwo main brothers, and then
Zeppo, who was the straight manuntil they decided they didn't
need him.
Eric (53:25):
So they cut him, they cut him, they fucking cut him, they
cut him, but Animal Crackers iswhere you get.
Matt (53:34):
this morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas.
How he got in my pajamas I'llnever know.
See, that's the flavor of clowncourt Matt.
Eric (53:41):
That is prime Matt the stenographer for the court Mime.
Matt (53:46):
Oh, amazing, mime-ing, mime-ing stenographer Can't find
the typewriter.
Eric (53:50):
Strike that from the record.
Matt (53:56):
It just stands up.
I can't.
I can see you in my kitchenbending over a hot stove, but I
can't see the.
Eric (53:58):
I can't see the stove.
I did know that one oh man, themarks brother is so good uh, at
some point they're like likethere's like a sudden phone call
and like fucking uh.
Uh, like the judge like gets animportant call and it picks up.
He's like you don't say, youdon't say, you don't say, puts
(54:20):
down the phone, what was it?
Matt (54:21):
They didn't say yeah, yeah , see there has to be a live.
Alyssa (54:27):
There has to be a live.
Drum symbol.
Matt (54:30):
There's a live drummer to do the ba-bum chink, but he
can't quite get it right.
He always misses something.
Alyssa (54:37):
Ba-bum, ba-bum, yeah, he's got and then, like a half
hour later, he's got absolutelyno rhythm.
Matt (54:45):
He can't find the drum even.
Oh, he's a blind drummer.
Alyssa (54:49):
They feel bad for him.
Matt (54:51):
Oh man, yes, yes.
Eric (54:56):
Clown Court.
Alyssa (54:57):
Clown.
Matt (54:58):
Court Well.
Alyssa (55:00):
Welcome.
Matt (55:00):
Welcome, and would you look at that?
It's just about time for us.
Alyssa (55:08):
Pull the plug on Clown Court.
Eric (55:10):
I guess you folks weren't ready for that, but your kids
are going to love it.
Your kids are going to love it.
Well done, eric.
I wonder where folks weren'tready for that.
Matt (55:14):
But your kids are gonna love it, well done eric, I
wonder where you found theinspiration for that.
Um, could it be the posterbehind my head?
Uh, who can say?
Who can say so?
Uh, alissa, thank you so muchfor joining us.
It feels like it's been a longtime coming yeah it's.
Alyssa (55:32):
It's wonderful to be in.
I didn't think about how mucheye contact you probably make
when you're recording theseepisodes, and now that I'm
seeing you guys all doing this,it's really nice, it's really
cute.
Matt (55:43):
We try to keep it intimate in an acceptable way, not a
tubing kind of way.
Alyssa (55:50):
No, no, not like a clown court.
It's a clown court.
Eric (55:57):
Do you think?
Alyssa (55:57):
a bunch of kangaroos walk in at one point.
Go wrong court, wrong court.
It's cute every time.
Matt (56:01):
Yeah, no matter who walks, and then everyone.
Eric (56:04):
I like to think the entire courtroom is like oh, no
problem, yeah, oh yeah no matterwho comes in, it's like oh, and
someone in the background isalways like uh, down the hall.
Second door to the left.
Matt (56:14):
We are dangerously close to the argument sketch from
Monty Python.
Eric (56:21):
I don't know if you know the sketch.
I'm talking about you vacuous,toffee-nosed, malodorous pervert
.
Matt (56:27):
Yes very good.
Alyssa (56:29):
You had that one in your pocket.
Matt (56:30):
I didn't come here for an argument.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Alyssa (56:32):
That's down the hall.
This is abuse.
This is abuse.
This is abuse.
Thanks for letting me talkabout Neopets.
Of course, it's nice to be ableto talk about it.
Matt (56:45):
I got my quest log staring me in the face over here.
Alyssa (56:49):
And you just let me know what you need.
Matt (56:51):
Absolutely so, alyssa.
Unfortunately, I do think we'rejust about time here for our
adventure.
Tell me, what do you have toplug for us?
I understand there are somethings that you want to make our
audience aware of.
Alyssa (57:07):
Oh, yeah, so I have a website that exists Doe baby
artcom, also on Etsy at doe baby, that's D O U G H B, a B Y A R
T.
If you're Baltimore local andyou are around auto bar in
September, my art will be thereall month upstairs at auto bar.
(57:30):
Yeah, be nice to each other,everybody.
That's an important thing.
Everyone be good, oh yeah andbe kind, uh, and also, do you
want to see nezumi?
Eric (57:41):
of course I fucking do okay oh my god, it's precious
it's a puppy, nezumi legumi, soprecious, I ought to sue me even
though she's 4 years old she'sa puppy, that's puppy.
Matt (58:00):
You could have told me she was 4 to like 20 58 is puppy.
If it's a dog, it's a puppy.
That's my mentality about it.
Alright, so those are theplaces that you can go to get
Doe Babe Art, and I suggest youdo.
That's DoeBabyArtcom, amongstthe other places.
Alyssa (58:21):
And on Instagram Doe underscore Babe.
Matt (58:25):
Absolutely, that's me.
And if you want to find us onInstagram, twitter, facebook,
tiktok, et cetera, et cetera,it's at.
You Didn't Ask Pod.
That's the letter.
You didn't ask pod, instagram,twitter, tiktok, et cetera, et
cetera.
Um, and of course, you canemail us at.
You didn't ask for thisgmailcom.
That's all spread out.
And, as Alyssa once did, youcan leave a message for us on
(58:49):
the thought line at 410-929-5329.
Call the thought line today,say something into the
microphone and we'll probablyput it on the show.
Yeah, now eric did.
Did I or your beloved missanything?
Eric (59:06):
no, but I miss her.
She's all the way downstairs.
Alyssa (59:08):
I was literally gonna say that I love you, eric.
Eric (59:11):
That's what I was gonna say I love you too.
Alyssa (59:13):
Yeah, I miss you yeah it's adorable.
Matt (59:19):
Well, from all of us here.
You didn't ask for this.
My name is matthew shea myname's eric poach and I'm alissa
and listen.
Eric (59:27):
You didn't ask but the people are real, the cases are
real, real funny.
This is his courtroom Honk.
It's Judge Sprinkles.
Matt (59:39):
Judge Sprinkles presiding.
What's his theme song?
Hit me with the theme song.
Eric (59:44):
Oh, it's Send in the Clowns.
But played on that intenseJudge, judy piano.
Alyssa (59:54):
Or it's.
Matt (59:59):
That's what plays when the bailiff says the honorable
judge sprinkles everywhere, andthen everybody's gotta get up.
Eric (01:00:08):
Oh, and at one point the prosecutor's like get down.
Mr Slippers, do you recognizethis knife?
Do you recognize this book?
Do you recognize thesovereignty of Czechoslovakia?
Alyssa (01:00:24):
Do you think the juggalos go to clown court?
Matt (01:00:28):
Juggalos go to clown court in handcuffs.
Eric (01:00:31):
Yeah, yeah, in handcuffs, they go.
Boop, boop, they never leave.
Eric, you're looking very beachy today.
You've got this open shirt, atrue Hawaiian shirt.
Yeah, you don't have to go tothe beach if you stay at the
beach.
No, I mean, I just got backfrom the beach.
Eric (00:12):
Oh yeah, what beach did you go to?
Matt (00:14):
I was with my parents down at the Rehoboth-Bethany-Dewey
area.
Eric (00:20):
Bro, the older I get, the sweeter Rehoboth gets Dude
Rehoboth's where it is atParadise.
Matt (00:27):
I love Rehoboth.
We go to Cape Henlopen becausemy parents have the state they
get the state park pass forDelaware and go down and do a
bunch of day trips.
Oh, to be retired.
Eric (00:39):
Yeah, ocean City is just a meme at this point.
No, fuck that we're not going.
Matt (00:44):
No one goes there.
Rehoboth, dewey, no, no,neither of the ocean cities
really.
Uh, should be patronized, butbut but anyway, rehoboth, very
chill, and cape henlo have beenvery chill, relaxed, all this
good stuff.
But I was, an interesting thinghappened to me.
Um, we were, we were at arestaurant and I went to the
bathroom.
(01:04):
Now, a little number ofepisodes, probably a couple
dozen episodes ago, I also hityou with a cold open story where
I went to the bathroom.
Eric (01:14):
Was this where the dudes just all convened?
Yes, and a gang of menapproached the stall.
Matt (01:22):
This is not that, but it is yet again the same setup and
I promise you I'm not makingthis up now I'm starting to
understand why you have likenervous bladder yeah, oh, bbs,
bashful bladder syndrome yeah,yeah, because you have.
You just have traumaticbathroom experiences so the
bathroom in this restaurant was.
(01:43):
It's the kind where there'sonly one stall, but the sink is
outside the stall and so there'san outer door that doesn't lock
or anything, but it'stechnically single use, you know
what?
Eric (02:01):
I hate those, it's really strange.
Matt (02:04):
So it's like there's a stall, there's a urinal and
there's the sink, so technicallyit's multi-use.
So I go into the stall because,as I've said many times on this
podcast, I don't fuck withurinals, no, and so I
immediately bypass that.
Eric (02:19):
I go into the stall, I do my situation and so while I'm in
, you do stall, I do mysituation, and so, while I'm in,
I do do your situation.
Matt (02:31):
The situation unravels so well, the plot thickens, the
plot loosens up and pinch theplot.
While I'm punching up the plotin the stall, the door opens,
yeah, and somebody starts usingthe sink, right as I am, right
as you're in post, right as Ihit post and I'm finished with
(02:54):
the business.
So I open the stall, I come outand there's this old man who's
washing his hands at the sink.
And you know, I don't thinkanything of it.
He had to wash his hands.
He came in, he clearly wentstraight for it.
So I'm doing the thing you doin bathrooms when somebody's
using this there's only one sinkand you're just like waiting
(03:14):
because there's nothing else todo.
Eric (03:16):
You're healthy's arms length away.
Matt (03:19):
Healthy arms length away back against the wall you know,
eyes on the exits eyes and theexits, just just sort of like
waiting your turn.
This man is not making eyecontact with me or anything like
that.
He's washing his hands, right,yeah, he turns off the sink.
Now next to me is like the thepaper towel roll dispenser thing
(03:40):
, so he turns around and he'sholding his hands up like a
surgeon that has just don'ttouch me, I'm sterile exactly
that is just cleansed.
And I should add that I said hewas washing his hands, but he
washed his whole.
He rolled up them sleeves, thatoxford shirt, all the way up,
(04:02):
and he's washed his forearms.
He's done all this and he turnsaround and he says to me,
before making eye contact I'msorry, I ordered lobster and I'm
an old man.
That's what he said, and that'swhat he said and he looked at
(04:28):
me as if I was saying what areyou doing here?
Eric (04:32):
Oh, so he was like sorry, I ordered lobster and I'm an old
man, Exactly the energy.
Matt (04:39):
Exactly the energy.
I ordered lobster and I'm anold man and like as if, like I
wish I would.
I wish I was there when heentered the room, because he
he's acting as if he came incovered in butter, yeah, and
elbow deep in shell of redlobster meat like how could this
(05:00):
have happened?
the blood is on my hands I havedrawn blood and butter and he
looked at me as if he, as if Iwas a priest in a confessional
and I was going to say I forgiveyou myself and I, just I did
(05:20):
the only thing I could do, whichwhich is go and wash my hands.
Eric (05:24):
Wait one more time, Like a door boy.
Matt (05:29):
And I washed my hands and I left and I never knew what
befell the man.
Eric (05:34):
Oh man, he's still in that bathroom.
He needed you to dry his hands.
Matt (05:39):
I own a lobster and I'm an old man and I can't stress this
enough.
I'm sorry he began unclear.
Unclear if he was apologizingfor like holding up the sink,
which was my assumption at thetime, but it could be a grander
apology.
Eric (05:59):
Oh yeah, he was just apologizing for him.
This is an existential apology.
Matt (06:07):
I'm sorry.
I ordered lobster and I'm anold man, as if to say I'm not
responsible.
Eric (06:15):
I can't be held accountable.
I can't be held accountable,Please.
We didn't know.
Matt (06:35):
Well, hello everybody, and welcome to you Didn't Ask For
this the podcast that answerslife's least pressing questions.
My name's Matt Shea, my name'sEric Poach, and joining us today
, we have a.
You know what?
Actually, eric, I always do theguest introduction, but you
know what?
(06:55):
Why don't you take the reins onthis one?
Eric (06:58):
Eric, oh may I.
Matt (06:59):
May I?
Eric (07:00):
I'm actually instructing you to yes, oh, okay.
Ladies and gentlemen, it is myhonor and privilege to introduce
a Baltimore artist, aprofessional creativity coach,
an all-around majestic andmagical human being, and my
(07:21):
girlfriend.
There it is.
Alyssa (07:24):
Alyssa.
Eric (07:24):
Forsythe, it's me, it's hey, it's alissa hi hey, alissa
hello eric and matt it's been.
Matt (07:33):
It feels like it's been a long time coming, but here we
are at doe underscore babe inthe flesh long time listener,
first time caller fuck yeah, butdidn't you call us on the
thought line?
Alyssa (07:46):
second time caller.
Matt (07:47):
Yeah, okay, second time caller, it's like a second date
yeah, oh, this is nice yeah yeah, beautiful.
Alyssa (07:55):
Thank you, guys for having me yeah, absolutely.
Matt (07:57):
Poach is already half undressed when I use this camera
footage on tiktok, but yeah,Listen it's hot, listen it's hot
.
Nice, eric, yes, matt, yeah,what's up Today?
Eric (08:09):
Yeah, today I and Alyssa, that's me.
Are here to discuss two thingswith you.
Matt (08:18):
Now wait a minute, Eric.
I want to bring the listenersin Before you say this.
I want to bring everybody up tospeed, Okay, and we?
I want to bring the listenersin Before you say this.
I want to bring everybody up tospeed, okay, and we were just
discussing this a moment ago.
Eric (08:26):
Are they about to learn how very hard we were selling
that casual?
Oh hey, there you are just now.
Yes, okay, good.
Matt (08:35):
I am usually the person who makes sure the guest knows
what to expect and, you know,makes sure they have questions
for us, et cetera, et cetera.
I just asked Alyssa because youknow you live together, that I
just assumed I didn't have to doany of that.
And I said to Alyssa now youhave some questions for us.
And Alyssa said well, and thenPoach said and this is true, he
(08:59):
said I'm going to be conducting,so listeners, whatever be,
conducting Yep, so listeners,whatever.
Buckle up jerks.
Exactly Whatever is about tofollow.
Eric (09:12):
I apologize and I am just coming off of three days of
being unmedicated for ADHD.
Alyssa (09:18):
Let's fucking go.
This is great, but alsoeverybody, you're welcome.
Eric (09:21):
Got that Vyvanse coursing through my veins.
Matt (09:24):
Okay so so sans questions from the guest Eric and I say
this with love what are we?
Eric (09:33):
doing here?
We are here to discuss twothings.
Alyssa (09:36):
Two things.
Eric (09:38):
Okay, neopets and Clown Court Okay, welcome to the
episode that.
I was put in charge of Neopetsand Clown Court.
Okay, welcome to the episodethat I was put in charge of
Neopets and Clown Court.
Matt (09:49):
I feel very much like I'm the guest you welcome.
Alyssa (09:53):
Matt, I've thought about this before and I literally in
my head, the way it went was yousaying hey, alyssa, and me
going, matt.
I need to talk about ClownCourt.
Okay yes, but we need to talkabout clown court.
Matt (10:05):
Okay, yes, but we need to talk about clown court and you
know what.
Now that you mentioned that,that has been alluded to on
previous episodes.
Eric (10:11):
I have been alluding to this for at least six months.
Alyssa (10:14):
And there was also a time a few weeks ago where I
said, Eric, what if I don't wantto talk about clown court and
the look?
Eric (10:20):
on his face Because we had discovered Neopets, and by we I
mean I, because I'm sorry I'msorry discovered neopets in the
year of our lord, 2024.
I've known about neopets, butlet me alissa describe for the
listeners your relationship toneopets oh you want the guest to
(10:40):
speak.
Alyssa (10:40):
How novel uh, it started about a month ago.
Um, I know because I just gotmy 30 day uh freebie prize, so I
know that I've been there for30 days now.
Um, I played congratulationsthank you so much.
Um, I played a lot in my youth,uh, and I don't know what came
over me in the past couplemonths, but I was like I gotta,
(11:02):
I gotta get back in this, Igotta see what's going on in
neopia.
So I neopia, neopia now matt,you see questions, if you have
them?
Matt (11:11):
ask them my man eric, I'm talking to alissa right now,
okay you could just no, no, fine, go off queen uh, so neopia.
Alyssa (11:19):
So I had to figure out what's going back on.
Uh, what's going on in neopia?
Um, I jumped back in and I havebeen checking into neopets
every single day since I jumpedback.
I've I've been consistent withit, um, and I also am an adhd
person, and for me to beconsistent in anything is
(11:39):
incredible.
Matt (11:40):
So neopets, um yeah well, first of all I want to say I'm
very proud of you.
Alyssa (11:46):
Thank you.
I really appreciate that.
Eric (11:48):
And let's establish a couple of things.
Yeah One, alyssa.
So you played in your youth.
This was like what, 2004, 2005?
Alyssa (11:59):
I would say, yeah, like eighth grade, like middle school
, into like early high schooland for the uninitiated.
Does somebody just want to, youknow, say what neopets is real
quick so neopets is a virtual uhcommunity where you can raise
um pets, but they are not anyspecies that exist in our normal
(12:21):
world.
Uh, there's like all differentcreatures um that were created
for Neopets, and you can feedthem and groom them, kind of
like a Tamagotchi.
You can also play games.
You can win Neopoints, whichare like your currency.
You can gamble it's where Ilearned to gamble.
You can do the stock market.
You have a bank account.
(12:41):
You can pick a team for thealtador cup, which is going on
right now, altador.
You can um customize your petsuh, you can.
There's auction houses, there'strading posts.
Matt (12:56):
Um, there is a lot of mischievous things that happen
now, in my youth, in ourcollective youth really, the
neopets was like, said, like aTamagotchi.
It was like a handheld thing.
What is it today, in 2024?
Alyssa (13:12):
In 2024, it is still an online.
Like I go onto the website.
They've tried and failed a fewdifferent apps on your phone,
but really it's a website.
Eric (13:21):
They originally made it in Flash.
This is like a Flash game Allthe games were in Flash All the
games that are in.
Alyssa (13:28):
Neopets were in Flash.
So when Flash died there's beena whole timeline.
Flash died, flash, yeah rip.
Sorry about it, but Flash diedAt one point.
Nickelodeon owned Neopets Atone point a Scientology company
owned it and tried to pushscientology through a
scientology company, not justscientology, yeah talk more
(13:49):
about this.
Eric (13:50):
See, this is what we're doing now let's go into that.
Alyssa (13:53):
Let me talk to you a little bit about this timeline
welcome to the history ofneopets okay, so um you're
welcome.
Matt (13:59):
This might actually eric truthfully.
If this is what we're doing,this might be the first time we
live up to our title.
Eric (14:06):
Yeah, yeah, doug, I understood the assignment.
Alyssa (14:09):
No one asked for this.
Matt (14:11):
Truly, I feel like, although I'm very curious.
I might have to give me aNeopet.
Bring your curiosity.
Alyssa (14:18):
Oh, I would I mean.
Eric already has a Neopet.
I've made one for Eric and Itake care of it and I customize
it Okay, You're not taking firstof all, you're not making my
Neopet.
Okay, okay, okay, okay, butwell, let me tell you All right,
fine, whatever, you can haveyour own Neopet.
We could be Neo friends though.
Matt (14:36):
Yeah, of course.
We could send each other items.
Neo point, you'll remember canyou also be enemies?
Sorry, I apologize.
Yeah, fix that in post.
Alyssa (14:45):
No, just kidding.
It was a good joke, I liked it.
Matt (14:50):
Thank you so much a lot.
Alyssa (14:52):
Um, at one point nickelodeon owned it and that's
when you kind of saw like allthe plushies and stuff come out
and then they stopped owning it.
And um, a company in hong kongowned a bunch of different
platforms and one of the guys inthe company just really loved
Neopets and made it his passionproject to keep it going and he
(15:13):
bought it with a bunch of peoplewho originally started Neopets.
So last year is the first timeit's gone back to the hands of
the people that really loved it.
Also in that timeline was atone point a company bought it
where they hired a Scientologyeducator to come and try to
teach children about Scientologyon Neopets and when the people
who originally started Neopetsfound out they were like no
(15:34):
we're not doing this Okay, highdrama.
Eric (15:36):
We are in a Neo-Renaissance.
Alyssa (15:38):
We are actually in a Neo-Renaissance.
Statistically speaking, morethan 40% of players are over the
age of 18.
Matt (15:48):
Now, um, they say it's mostly millennials who are I
would think so honestly.
Alyssa (15:50):
Yeah, and they say it is for nostalgic regions, but also
I'm a millionaire in neopetsnow and I was never a
millionaire before I have I haveso many neocoins oh yeah, you
want to know why?
Because we know what to do nowhonestly, I'm capitalism so well
right now, like I.
Matt (16:05):
I am midway through my second, so for christmas I got a
few different um, what I'llrefer to as big boy lego sets,
and, uh, I've never had any roomto place these things or
anything, so I made thistypewriter so you bought a house
.
Eric (16:20):
So I bought a house so I could have legos.
Matt (16:22):
um, so I bought this typewriter which works like it's
a, this typewriter which worksLike it's a working typewriter.
It's very intricate.
And then I just started theDeLorean set which I believe,
eric, you have as well.
Eric (16:32):
Yes, I do have.
Matt (16:33):
And as opposed to when I was a kid and I remember sort of
being stressed doing them Ifind the sets now to be actually
quite therapeutic, to just sitand, like, focus on, like I have
one task.
I have one task.
Alyssa (16:48):
I'm just gonna sit quietly and you know how to sort
the pieces, exactly like we'rea little strategic.
Matt (16:54):
Okay, I'm gonna keep this bag together.
Oh, all the black shapes overhere, you know.
So I totally understand whygoing back to something from a
youth hobby is with today'sskills yeah I really should.
Eric (17:11):
I got full motor skills.
My prefrontal cortex is fullydeveloped.
Fully developed, let's fuckinggo and I.
Alyssa (17:19):
I started about a month ago when I, when I got, when I
stumbled back in on this, Istarted a new account because I
couldn't for the life of meremember like an older account.
I tried to do this about like10 years ago and I don't think I
was mature enough yet forneopets.
Eric (17:32):
Um, it didn't last very long and did you love your
neopet or did you just love theidea of it?
Alyssa (17:40):
oh no, I love my neopets , but I could not take care of
them the way they deserved it.
I love them, but it just itjust turned into guilt.
Matt (17:47):
We're gonna get you a Neopet.
You gotta be able to take careof it.
Alyssa (17:51):
Now you're looking at the proud owner of six Neopets.
Matt (17:54):
Whoa a Neo army yeah.
Alyssa (17:57):
So I was locked out of my old account and I just kind
of gave up.
And then I had an epiphanyabout what my password was.
So I logged back in and I wasable to put my old neopets up
for adoption and adopt them withmy new account and get my old
neopets my neopets, my 16 plusyear old neopets I have now
brought over to my new accountand I had to leave one neopet
(18:19):
behind in my old account.
That's the rules.
So I made a very peaceful frogneopet.
That's named.
I'm Totally Chill because Iknow he's going to be fine.
Matt (18:27):
Because he has to go out on his own now.
Alyssa (18:29):
Yeah, and I do go back and feed him still, because I
can't stand the idea that he's aburner pet.
Matt (18:35):
So he's not self-sufficient, he's not out in
the world getting his own food?
Eric (18:40):
No, he's trapped in a little digital box.
Alyssa (18:44):
I wouldn't say that, please, but he's chill, he's so
chill.
Eric (18:47):
He's fine with it.
Alyssa (18:48):
Okay, his name is.
I'm Totally Chill, so he's gotto be kind of chill.
What?
Matt (18:52):
I'm hearing is I'm hearing the electronic equivalent of
someone who just leaves theirdog outside all the time.
Eric (18:59):
Wow, but in this world your dog can't die, it can only
get like a tummy ache.
Alyssa (19:04):
And I check on him every day to give him some food.
I just don't interact with likethe big activities that like I
didn't want to double dip on mywheel of excitements and things
like that yeah, you don't givehim any sort of life, you just
make him exist.
I even shop for outfits for himin my other account and I send
them as gifts.
Oh, you can get outfits.
Oh, you can get outfits.
(19:26):
Oh, you can get outfits, areyou Ooh.
Matt (19:36):
If you remember the movie Daybreakers when they have the
columns of human beings hookedup to blood machines so that the
vampires have something to putin their coffee.
You're going to give me shitabout movies and Google gripes
that I can and cannot bring up,but you're going to reference
Daybreakers.
Eric (19:44):
Starring Sir Willem Dafoe.
Yes, yes, I will.
Matt (19:47):
Fine Noted.
Noted for round three.
Go on.
Eric (19:55):
Alyssa.
Alyssa (19:55):
Yeah.
Eric (19:56):
So I want to put a couple of things into perspective.
So one, when we say Alyssa'slike a neo-millionaire, she is
like a neo-chic, she is like aneo chic.
Oh, she is, and she is a neobaron, you own a soccer team or
two.
I am doing fucking loaded Okay.
Alyssa (20:15):
Yeah.
Matt (20:17):
So if I'm going to get into neo pets me and my
addictive personality you'resomeone to know.
Alyssa (20:23):
Yeah, oh, I will.
I'll hook it up.
I'll give you a cute littlestarter pack.
We'll make sure you, your newpets, are never hungry.
Whatever paintbrush you want,we'll find it for you.
Met, like that's been, the realtreat is getting paintbrushes
I've been watching this is freethis is free dog it is free, so
you can pay for the ad freeversion, which I.
(20:43):
It's eight dollars a month andit's something that has brought
me so much joy that I'm likefucking take $8 from it.
Matt (20:48):
No, sometimes it's worth it.
Alyssa (20:50):
I want to support it.
I want it to stick around.
Eric (20:52):
Neopets, please sponsor us .
We're shilling so hard rightnow.
Alyssa (20:57):
Neopets.
And you know what, if you'relistening and you're like, maybe
I want Neopets, buy the premium.
Matt (21:01):
Now Buy the premium Now.
I just went to Neopetscom andthe first thing it's trying to
sell me is trading cards.
Alyssa (21:08):
No, I know it has to.
They need to survive, they needthe money.
Eric (21:13):
It's a Neo thing.
Alyssa (21:15):
I don't have the trading cards, but you can also get
digital trading cards in thegame.
Matt (21:20):
So what's Neopass?
Alyssa (21:23):
So you need to get Neopass that's kind of like your
platform to get into Neopass.
Matt (21:26):
I got it.
That's their account, so theycan email me shit.
Alyssa (21:30):
I haven't gotten a single email from.
Eric (21:31):
Neopass.
Oh okay, they're veryrespectful.
Alyssa (21:34):
So actually Neopets, it's per household Neopass, so a
household has a Neopass andthen all the accounts in the
household can be under thatNeopass.
Accounts in the household canbe under that neopass.
Um, so like I have my newaccount and then my like old,
old, ancient.
Matt (21:47):
Uh, now, if I were to make a neopet and then immediately
forget about it, would it die,or would it just die?
Alyssa (21:53):
they just, they do they just suffer eternally they.
It will literally say like,like, so it's like animal
crossing.
Just cockroaches will come intomy house they will be crying,
they will under like um hunger.
It will say um.
It will say dying, or it'll saystarving, um mood, it will
probably say very sad.
(22:14):
There is so many neopetsdiseases they could catch and
there is a pharmacy.
There's a pharmacy that you cango.
Do you want to know some of theNeopets diseases?
Eric (22:24):
Yes, yes God.
Alyssa (22:26):
I forgot about this.
Eric (22:28):
They're so good.
Alyssa (22:31):
Just start rattling them off.
Also, if anyone wants to befriends with me on Neopets, my
name on there is DoeBabeD-O-E-B-A-B-E.
I would love.
All the Neopets friends.
So if we go to the hospital theNeo hospital, all the neopets
friends.
So if we go to the hospital,the neo hospital, yes, uh, it
will tell us all these diseases.
And then you have to.
You have to if your pet comesdown with a disease which could
(22:53):
be like a happenstance or likemaybe they ate something bad or
whatever, then you go to the neohospital, you go find diseases
and they'll tell you what thecure is and then you have to buy
the cure.
And usually you'll buy the curefrom a community like, like
there's a marketplace that, likeall the everyone has their own
shops, or you can get it fromthe official pharmacy I see, and
(23:13):
I see there's like a, there'slike a wiki-esque site jelly neo
jelly neo yes that's myfavorite site I just pulled it
up, we got things such as bloatyfeet bloaty feet, uh-huh
chikaru fuzzy titus diak show.
Matt (23:29):
Diak show diak show.
Alyssa (23:31):
I don't know the oh, oh, don't you the two?
Oh, don't you your pet will gointo a massive sneezing fit and
its eyes will become very sore.
But the way to fix it is towipe their nose with neopkins of
course it is obviously ofcourse it is uh, you could get
lumps.
Okay, that's just which uh?
Eric (23:53):
I got a little.
I got the lump stock.
Alyssa (23:54):
I'm in a bad way hoochie coochies is a is a talk to me
about hoochie coochies um, ifyou, if your pet gets hoochie
coochies, then it breaks outinto blue and green spots, but
it's okay, the cure is hoochies.
Um, if you, if your pet getshoochie coozees, then it breaks
out into blue and green spots,but it's okay, the cure is
hoochie coochie tablets, andcurrently there's like a huge
plot going on that you couldjump in on it's.
There's a couple, there's acouple plots, but the biggest
(24:17):
plot right now is called avoid,within which I feel like speaks
to just about everybody and Ijust want to reiterate.
Matt (24:26):
I want to reiterate to our regular audience the target
demographic.
As far as I know, we are notgetting any money from Neopets,
despite this sounding like asales pitch.
Not a Neoscent, but Neopets.
If you wish to pay us, I'll behappy to shell out for you.
Alyssa (24:47):
That would be the coolest.
Eric (24:49):
Neopets.
How fucking dope would it be ifwe pulled Neopets as a sponsor?
Matt (24:54):
Honestly, probably, and this might sink our chances.
Probably not great.
I can't imagine.
Alyssa just said they'reselling cards because they need
money.
Alyssa (25:02):
Well, remember they're in a renaissance, though they
just got bought back last yearand they said that the, if you
look at like the earnings, andstuff.
Matt (25:08):
They said that they are the niassance, they said the
sales event um sales event thatmakes it sound like it's toyota
thon or something that's well,that's what neosance made it.
That's that's I see this istheir happy honda days yeah,
yeah, yeah yes, and also withyou.
Eric (25:26):
So the plot, the void within, yeah, I never knew about
a plot.
Matt (25:31):
This must be new.
Alyssa (25:33):
There's tons of different plots that have
happened, but this plotcurrently that's happening all
of a sudden a bunch of bigfigures because there's a lot of
NPC type characters in Neopia.
Eric (25:44):
Your king moon raisers.
Alyssa (25:45):
There's a huge Neopia, just so everyone knows.
Also, neopia is a huge andthere are tons of different
places in Neopia.
You can go to Fairyland, youcan go to Altador, you can go to
the Haunted Woods, you can go.
It's every flavor of fantasyyou can go to in Neopia.
Eric (26:04):
Bury my heart at Altador.
Matt (26:07):
Now is there a Pokemon aspect.
Are we battling?
Alyssa (26:15):
Are we.
Eric (26:15):
There is a battle dome.
I choose not to.
She's a conscientious.
I just don't enjoy it and y'allthis ain't a bit.
Alissa's the least violentperson.
I choose not to her life okay Itried.
Alyssa (26:26):
I just choose not to.
But my, my neopets are.
There's currently a war andthey are serving volunteer time
in the hospital.
Um, they're not in the paddlefighting the war, but they are
there's.
So the void within um,essentially what's happening is
a bunch of characters areturning gray um and getting
really depressed and, like this,like massive depression is
(26:46):
coming over neopia.
So there is now this likebattle happening and every day a
different chapter, a differentum part of the chapter is
released on what's happening.
So we're only we just hitchapter three and there's like
12 plus chapters and everychapter has like 10 subsections
you're describing like, how,like, at like, this plague of
depression and nothingness andlike.
Eric (27:08):
Ask me how?
I know this game was made forand by millennials you're
describing scientology.
Matt (27:15):
I want you to know that the levels, the sub levels, no,
they're out of scientology.
Alyssa (27:20):
They were.
They're anti-scientology,they're pro gambling well sure,
when neo-xenu there'sscratch-offs.
Eric (27:29):
There's poker stored the souls of the Neopets in the Neo
crystals.
Matt (27:34):
All the Neopets have gone clear.
They're good.
Eric (27:37):
Tom Cruise is technically a Neopet TC.
Please.
Matt (27:41):
Sorry, that's how they refer to him in Scientology.
I don't know if you actually Dothey actually?
Yeah, they call him TC.
Oh, my God as a code, but likeI know it and I'm not a
scientist, it's not a very goodcode, I mean.
Rms yeah, exactly, but no, theydo call them TC.
Eric (28:01):
Alyssa could you describe for me some of the greatest?
Alyssa (28:04):
Neopet controversies.
Eric (28:04):
Yes, actually this is good , let's pivot to this the
greatest Neopet controversies.
Matt (28:10):
Oh my gosh.
Yes, actually, this is good.
Let's pivot to this, let'spivot to the controversies.
Eric (28:16):
Let's pivot to the darkest parts of this.
It doesn't have to be plot-wise.
I mean like in the like Neopets, give me the Ne-O-T, the Ne-O-T
Pour the Ne-O-T.
Matt (28:27):
Pour the Ne-O-T.
Alyssa (28:34):
Well, poor the neotee, poor the neotee.
Well huh, that's a goodquestion.
I thank you.
I will say that I'm I'mstarting to notice, um now, that
the players that are playingare millennials.
Something that I think isinteresting is that all of those
like diseases that I mentioned,um hoochie coochies the hoochie
coochie, things like that.
The cures to these diseasesused to be really expensive and
now people are selling them intheir shops for cheaper and
(28:55):
cheaper and they're undercuttingeach other, as if they want to
say that this health care shouldbe.
Matt (29:00):
Should be free.
Alyssa (29:01):
Free.
I have started making a thingin my Neopets shop where I will
raise the prices of certainthings in order to keep the
medicine prices as low aspossible.
Eric (29:16):
Whoa.
Even in Neopets she is an ally.
Alyssa (29:21):
What's really interesting is that you have a
shop wizard and it will live,tell you what everyone is
selling their things for.
Matt (29:32):
So say we wanted to get what was on this little list.
So what you're saying is likewhat you're trying to do is make
your Neo shop an oasis foraffordable health care.
Alyssa (29:43):
But I'm not the only one doing that.
Matt (29:45):
No, but no.
But to do that.
It comes at the expense ofraising prices elsewhere.
Eric (29:51):
Well, what she's saying, Matt, is that the free market
self-regulates.
Matt (29:56):
Yes, and what I'm hearing is Neopets is showing for the
umpteenth time how communismfails in practice.
Eric (30:04):
Yeah, and how unregulated capitalism can run rampant.
Matt (30:06):
Yeah, it's the invisible hand of Neopia, and how
unregulated capitalism can runrampant.
Eric (30:10):
Yeah, yeah, it's the invisible hand of neopia.
Matt (30:14):
Can run rampant, also known as the way.
Alyssa (30:21):
Currently the shops that you would like, the Neopet
shops themselves.
They all have the inflationrate and I believe it's at like
2.1%.
Eric (30:31):
The inflation rate, the neoflation rate, like if I were
to go.
I have watched my girlfriendplay the neo stock market for
hours oh, I'm no stranger to tosuch virtual stock exchanges.
Matt (30:45):
I remember, I remember the animal crossing heyday of of
watching the markets online forthe best, best island to go to
it.
Alyssa (30:58):
It does become kind of like also like feast or famine
when like there is a prize, likeso I do my dailies.
Like everyone does theirdailies, whatever game they play
, you gotta do your dailies yeahand if you do your dailies for
a week, then you get like aweekly prize sure and the prizes
are pretty fucking good.
Okay, but there there's a prizepool and like places like jelly
(31:18):
neo will be like this is what'savailable for the prize pool and
once things start becomingavailable in the prize pool,
even if it's like a slight,slight, slight chance, you're
gonna see that value drop in theshops for whatever the item is
um, so if there's a lot, it's alot of, it's a lot of paying
attention to the, the shopwizard yeah um, he's, he's a,
he's a cute little kachik.
(31:39):
Uh, kachik is a type of aspecies of pokemon of course of
pokemon obviously yeah, oh no,pokemon neopets.
Where am I?
What are we talking about?
Um of neopets?
Uh and um, he's a shop wizard.
He has a cute little wizard hatand he tells you how much
everything is.
Matt (31:55):
But yeah, I could just drop based on just like the
tiniest action I had no ideathat there was so, so much
involved with neopets and neopetownership.
I didn't know that there was Ishould universe.
Eric (32:08):
This is why the first half of this episode is Neopets.
Because, I too did not knowthis until Alyssa picked it back
up and I was like and one day Iwas like, hey, what's, what's
all this?
Then?
Matt (32:20):
And I do appreciate you flagging and putting it out
there that everybody has theirquote unquote dailies Because,
like it's true, like I I'm aword alert, among other things,
I'm a word alert one one thingthat I have done is there's I
have this baseball game on myphone.
That's like all great cellphone games, very micro
(32:41):
transaction based, and it's gota bunch of daily stuff, free
card packs, all this bullshitand um, it is interesting how
these types of games and fittinginto a routine get you, because
I used to play this samebaseball game a long, long time
(33:01):
ago and I stopped for like ayear or so and when I tried to
come back to it, my account wasgone and I started a new account
and I thought, well, yeah, thisis probably not going to last,
but I'll start from scratch andsee where I get.
That was 11 years ago, that'swhen I hit you with the dailies.
(33:24):
And now I'm so advanced that allthe dailies mean nothing.
The daily rewards and stuff,they mean nothing to me, but you
must do them, but I must dothem.
Alyssa (33:38):
I get it.
You get the serotonin fromcompleting this task.
Yes and as an ADHD gal, give mea structure and give me a
serotonin and I am like here Iam Happy place.
Happy place yeah.
Matt (33:52):
Oh, I'm sorry.
Conductor Poach would like tosay something, thank you, thank
you.
Eric (33:57):
All aboard.
Oh, that's my boyfriend.
Oh, better get on the Neo trainnow, son.
Matt (34:02):
Yeah, is it time to move on to Clown Court?
Eric (34:10):
This is our time to gently ease out of neopia.
Matt (34:11):
We're all.
Eric (34:12):
We're all gonna look at neopia.
We're gonna wave it goodbye,because it's been such a good.
Matt (34:13):
Thank you, neopia.
Alyssa (34:14):
Tell you what I've gone so far as to open the tab to
neopets, so it's very possibleI'll dive in, yeah before we
leave neopia, I do want to sayum, today is the last day it
ends, so, uh, neopian time isabout three hours behind.
Eric (34:27):
Neopia ends today.
Alyssa (34:29):
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Neopia.
Time is about.
The neopocalypse has arrived,the neopocalypse.
Eric (34:36):
The nyen times are here.
Alyssa (34:39):
The Altador Cup, which is kind of the.
It's kind of like the Euro Cupof Neopia.
Today is the last day where youcan pick what team you want to
support, so it is a really greatday For you to get into the new
Pets I might just have to.
Eric (34:57):
This sport, just from what I've seen, seems to be a cross
Of like full contact Football,lacrosse, and that one Thing
you'd have at the beach where itwas like A hook with a ball,
that thing, yeah, like thelittle, that one thing you'd
have at the beach where it waslike a hook with a ball.
Alyssa (35:11):
You know what I'm talking about.
Yeah, I know what you mean.
That thing, yes, yeah, like thelittle, like hooky.
Eric (35:16):
Yeah, but it's also like a murder dome.
Alyssa (35:18):
Yeah, I'm trying to see what the little balls are called
, because the balls move around,kind of like how the snitches
were, like real, like active.
Sentient, sentient.
Yeah, I think they're calledlike your yo-yo, you're your
ball, I don't know, but they'recute little creatures and they
curl up into balls and then someof them have different elements
.
Um, but today is last day youcan pick a team and that's what
(35:39):
I think you, matt shea, wouldreally be I might have to
explore this.
Matt (35:43):
I really might have to I matt.
Please make a neopets accountnow you say that to me, eric, as
if I wasn't just informed thatyou don't do Neopets, alyssa
just does it for you.
Alyssa (35:56):
I think that Eric has been saving himself for Neopets,
until I talk about it on thisepisode.
That is exactly what washappening, matt, every time I
try to talk about Neopets,because I get so excited and all
I want to do is talk aboutNeopets.
Matt (36:08):
There's been this like so if I answer these questions now
if I eric, if I oh, I see, I seeso say we were saving it for
the show saving it for content.
I understand and I respect it.
Yeah, now listen, if I make aneopet eric, will you make a
neopet?
Eric (36:25):
yeah, babe, should we make each other as a Neopet?
Oh?
Yeah okay, I mean we can havemore Neopets, but like, but one
of them has to be.
Matt (36:37):
One of them has to be.
Eric (36:38):
I'll make you, you make me .
Alyssa (36:40):
Eric, do you remember what yours is named, do you?
Matt (36:42):
remember what yours is Uwutoof.
Alyssa (36:43):
Uwutoof.
Matt (36:44):
Uwutoof.
Alyssa (36:46):
Uwutoof.
Eric (36:53):
Yeah, eric, I, yeah, eric, I, I could get down with that.
Matt (36:54):
Okay, I'll make a neopets account today.
I will make a neo, I'll do it.
Fuck it.
I'll do it right now, fuckingI'll sign up right.
I'll do it right now you thinkI give a neo fuck, I'll do it
right now hey, we don't need tobring that in.
Alyssa (37:05):
Neo pets is a nice, nice thing not once I get in there.
Eric (37:08):
No, we're gonna hope neopets is ready to get fucking
toxic oh man, I'm coming in forthat.
I'm coming in hot I'm coming inhot oh, welcome neopian.
I'm jike, fellow adventurer,find explorer, according to some
, and story traveler.
Matt (37:28):
The hell was that.
Eric (37:29):
This is the Australian blue tiger that is welcoming me
to Neopia dog.
Matt (37:36):
I have joined and I do see Jake, fellow adventurer, famed
explorer, according to some, andstory traveler.
Funny how you got his accent.
Perfect, eric.
Alyssa (37:46):
Thank you.
Matt (37:47):
Do I have to read this profile dashboard?
Don't care, i'm'm gonna wing itno, I've already been.
Eric (37:52):
I've been nexting through all of this yeah, fuck it.
Alyssa (37:55):
I don't want to read all this I'll let you guys know
anything you need to know Idon't want to read this
literature.
Matt (38:01):
No, you didn't come here to read.
I didn't come here to read, Icame here to raise a life.
Eric (38:06):
Yeah, are you making me right now?
Are you making me right now?
Oh, are you making me?
Matt (38:09):
right now.
Oh, that's right, I'm supposedto be making Poach.
Hold on, I got to find thetallest one.
I'm going with.
Alyssa (38:17):
Go with your heart.
Matt (38:18):
I'm going with Grawl, grawl and I'm going to name it.
Oh, the name Poach is taken.
Alyssa (38:24):
Not by me.
I didn't do that?
Matt (38:25):
What about Poachy Woachy?
Alyssa (38:27):
woke she.
Oh yeah, that's good poachywoke she is also taken this site
has been on for like 20 plusyears.
Matt (38:36):
It's hard to find a name all right, so he's a grarl, so
I'm gonna call him how can youcombine t-rex with poach?
Okay, eric poach, with two r's.
One word is not taken.
So Urkpoch is who I'm goingwith and I'm going to make him.
I'm looking at Eric Do I wanthim green?
(38:57):
Do I want blue?
You know what I'm not going tosay?
I'm just going to make him whatI think is right.
Alyssa (39:01):
You are going to have to answer some questions about him
too.
Matt (39:04):
Answer some questions.
Where does my Neopet like tolive?
Eric (39:10):
For this question.
I answered the sea, because youare a lord of sea land oh,
thank you, I was gonna say cityoh, were you able to make a name
like get matt's name in for aneopet?
Oh yeah, matthew underscoreshay was available how?
Matt (39:26):
how does neopet greet others?
I'm gonna oh wait, maybe I canjust do that.
Does it have to be one word?
Eric underscore, poach alsoworks.
I'm going to say how does yourNeopet greet others?
I will say approach withcaution.
Eric (39:44):
How does your Neopet, what does your Neopet like doing
Reading and learning.
That's what I said for you.
Matt (39:51):
Yeah, that's cute you guys are neo friends okay, so I've
made, I've made him, I'vecreated him oh, this is.
Eric (39:59):
This is abs.
How does your neopet greetothers?
Matthew shea stands his ground.
You're goddamn right he does.
Matt (40:11):
So I've made, I've made an Eric Poach, you've made a
Matthew Shea, so together theywill meet up.
But you know, I don't.
I know that our guest doesn'thave all night.
So should we ask about ClownCourt?
Alyssa (40:26):
but this is the best day of my life that two more people
are on.
Neopets with me now.
This is great.
Eric (40:31):
Okay, the Neo train has left the Neo station.
Matt (40:34):
The Neo train's left the Neo station.
Thank you, neopets.
So thank you, neopets, andthank you, alyssa for the
question which I guess was Morelike the quest.
Thank you for the quest.
Thank you for the quest.
Alyssa (40:48):
You're welcome, Matt.
Matt (40:53):
Conductor.
Can we get us?
Can the train leave the station?
Eric (40:56):
Matt Eric, I need you to understand.
Matt (40:59):
Just go ahead and rip it open there, alyssa, it's all
good.
Eric (41:03):
Oh, what flavor of Faygo is that babe?
Alyssa (41:05):
Oh, you mean this cotton candy Faygo?
Eric (41:08):
Only the finest Whoop whoop, get that.
This cotton candy, faygo.
Only the finest Whoop whoop,let's get that.
I'm ready to discuss.
Matt (41:17):
I was going to say I have to cut all this, but now I feel
like I got to leave it in.
Eric (41:20):
The worst part is I desperately want a sip of that.
Matt (41:23):
No, it's too goddamn bad.
Alyssa (41:24):
It's so good.
Matt (41:26):
Eric, if you want a sip of that.
You got to get through thisepisode.
Eric (41:38):
So, matt, I'm goinga hit you with.
Tell me, for the love of christ, this was.
I will preface this only with.
This was born out of a 2 amconversation.
This is most of our show.
Matt (41:45):
We were both very, both, very you were heightened.
Alyssa (41:50):
Spirited.
You were elevated.
Eric (41:52):
I was yes, I was elevated, I got you.
I was in touch with my higherself.
Alyssa (41:57):
Yes, yes, and I just showed up.
Eric (42:00):
Here's the question.
Matt Tell me and this is forall of us this is going to be a
group exercise.
Matt (42:06):
I hope so, because the show is designed to be heard by
an audience.
Eric (42:12):
Matt what happens in?
Clown Court Matt what happensin Clown Court.
Matt, Matt, let me hit you withthis, matt, matt, the Honorable
Judge Sprinkles presiding Honk,honk.
Alyssa (42:25):
Matt, okay, matt what happens in Clown Court.
Matt (42:27):
Matt, let's talk about Clown Court, Okay first of all,
my blood pressure is spikingbecause I feel like I'm suddenly
on trial.
Alyssa (42:34):
Ironically, welcome to clown court.
Welcome to clown court.
Matt (42:53):
I'm going to suggest humbly that it is some sort of
the branch of the judicialsystem seldom talked about or
referenced, or indeedacknowledged, yeah, where clown
crimes, crimes against clowningand comedy are brought before
the honorable judge sprinklesnow, matt, you're giving me very
good thoughts and that's agreat answer to the question.
Eric (43:06):
What is clown court?
Yes, but the question I askedwhat happens in clown court?
Matt (43:13):
okay, I thought I answered that in the sense that shut the
fuck up and let me speak,senator, he'll get there.
He'll get there.
The what happens in clown courtis clown crimes are brought
before a clown judge and a clownjury for them to determine what
is or is not funny about it.
Eric (43:33):
Matt, the judge's gavel is inflatable and makes a squeak
sound.
Yeah, every time it hits, ithits.
Alyssa (43:40):
Matt, do you think at any point the Harlem
Globetrotters come in and go?
Oh, we thought this was abasketball court and then they
all leave doing cool HarlemGlobetrotter tricks?
Matt (43:57):
I think it's certainly on the table.
Eric (43:59):
I actually think if a harlem globetrotter should be on
the jury as a mandate.
Oh uh, yeah, yeah, yeah uh.
Do you think that the that thejudge holds people in clown
tempt?
Alyssa (44:07):
no, do you think, when you swear on a bible or whatever
you're swearing on in clowncourt, that the the daisy on the
bailiff's chest squirts youwith water?
Matt (44:21):
I think it does.
I think actually what happensis, everything is very jovial,
everything's very fun, and thenwhen a sentence is passed, they
lay you down and chop off yourfucking head right there in the
middle and they say no, thisfucking, if you don't commit to
the bit, that's a fuckingcapital offense and off with his
(44:42):
goddamn dome yes, and matt, doyou think?
What are we doing here?
Are you gonna tell me what thefuck this is?
Or is this just this weird gangup that is happening?
Eric (44:55):
here.
No, no, no, no, no One episode,one episode.
Matt (44:58):
I put you in charge of.
Eric (44:59):
He'll get there, folks, he'll get there, he'll get there
.
Matt (45:02):
You're supposed to be sharing the information.
Alyssa, You're the guest.
What is Clown Court?
Alyssa (45:13):
Matt, do you Inquiring minds want to know what clown
court is?
Eric (45:17):
do you think, when they call up a witness, the
prosecution goes who's thisclown?
Matt (45:27):
I god, I can only hope.
So do you think?
Eric (45:30):
do you think at some point you think a couple tennis
players walk in and go wrongcourt, do you?
Alyssa (45:36):
think that the jury all gets out of one car.
Matt (45:38):
I would like to suggest that also.
What frequently happens is if awitness is on the stand and
starts crying, the judge sayshere I have a tissue and just
Matt.
Eric (45:52):
Matt, thank you, you're here.
Thank you, now, you're here.
Alyssa (45:57):
Welcome to.
Eric (45:58):
Clown Court Matt.
Welcome to Clown Court.
Alyssa (46:00):
Matt, you made it Honk honk.
Eric (46:05):
Oh God, Clown Court so we're making Clown Court up.
No man.
What happens to Clown Court?
Wait a minute, eric.
Eric, hold on.
Matt (46:18):
Eric, for a very long time now you've mentioned that I
need to ask Alyssa about ClownCourt when she's on the podcast.
Alyssa (46:27):
Yeah.
Matt (46:28):
And here we are.
The moment has arrived, andyou're telling me that Clown
Court was an uncooked bit, thatwe were going to stick in the
oven.
Alyssa (46:38):
No, no, no.
Clown Court was in our heartsthe entire time.
Clown Court was the friends wemade along the way.
Eric (46:44):
I will remind the prosecution that Clown Court was
built on bits Yep.
Matt (46:52):
Remind.
First of all, all all right.
So the honorable judgesprinkles yeah, is is presiding.
Eric (47:00):
He's an all nonsense.
Judge, you do not want him, ohyou do.
Matt (47:06):
He is all nonsense so who do you want?
Who's the preferred overseer ofthe clown court?
Eric (47:12):
oh man, so we've got the honorable I never thought about
that.
Yeah, yeah, the honorable judgelike you, you're only op,
that's.
That's the bit is you do notwant judge every time.
Like judge sprinkles allnonsense and it makes it makes
the clown lawyers sweat oh, Isee, because you don't know what
what's coming next?
Matt (47:32):
is that yeah?
Eric (47:33):
yeah.
Do you think in clown court?
Tell me it is critical.
At no point in this trial do weactually know what the person
is being accused of.
Alyssa (47:44):
I don't think we get there I would love to see a
normal trial happen, but atclown court, like a legitimate,
like traffic trial or you know,a homicide happen at a 10 little
car pile up a 10 little carpile up happen at clown court
what are the crimes you thinkthey prosecute in clown court
matt?
Matt (48:04):
well, first of all, the 10 car pile up.
Would 10 clown car pile upwould have untold casualties oh
yeah, this is this is a federalclown court.
You might not be able torecover all those bodies.
No, because how'd they get themin there in the first place.
Alyssa (48:22):
The whole jury was lost.
They were in the clown car.
Eric (48:27):
The bodies are still seen because every ambulance they've
sent the guys get out, put themon the gurney and then pick it
up, but the gurney breaks.
Matt (48:36):
You know, a good journey is hard to find.
Alyssa (48:41):
And so 12 angry men is just 12 funny men 12 funny men.
Some funny guys.
Matt (48:49):
Huh.
Clown court Clown court.
Alyssa (48:53):
Matt, welcome.
What happened to clown court?
What?
Matt (48:56):
happened to clown court.
I feel like we've covered italmost no.
Matt.
So wait, are you just?
You're telling me that this wasborn out of you just in sort of
elevated state of mind?
Are just talking about thevarious crimes.
Eric (49:12):
What goes on in?
Matt (49:12):
clown court and you haven't come up with any crimes
that might take place in clowncourt that are tried.
Alyssa (49:17):
Or punishments, really.
Matt (49:19):
Yeah, talk to me about a punishment.
Eric (49:20):
Throw the book at him, smack right in the forehead with
a book or you know what.
Alyssa (49:25):
Honestly, I think if you're in the witness stand,
it's going to be one of thosethings where you throw the ball
and if you hit the target youfall into the thing of water.
Matt (49:33):
Well, it's always hard for them when they have to throw
the book at somebody becauseit's so thick they can't pick it
up.
Alyssa (49:40):
So it is.
It is comically big, it'scomically big.
You know it's like the sizeit's a dunk tank.
Matt (49:47):
It's the size of like a like a Greek pillar.
Alyssa (49:54):
And greek pillar, and you know they got a about.
It takes three clowns just toget up an inch, and I mean even
walking to that book.
They're wearing those goofy bigshoes.
Matt (49:58):
It's not easy those shoes I've put on clown shoes before
they're not easy to move around.
Oh yeah, we did, did we do thatwith mr bill.
We did do a clown workshop, aclown shop.
Alyssa (50:11):
Um, that is that where you learned all that I learned
so much clown knowledge fromeric about like the clown
museums with the eggs and do youknow about this, matt, I don't
know what you're talking aboutwith the eggs, do you?
Eric (50:23):
know, every clown has their face, their face paint,
like every official clown, likelegitimate clown, has their face
, their clown face, in aregistry.
And this registry this was atradition that started like a
fucking century ago.
They track what every clown'sface paint is.
(50:44):
I'm not making this up.
There's a little egg with yourclown face on it in a repository
of clown face eggs.
Interesting.
That's how they run DNA inClown Court.
Matt (50:56):
I would not have thought that was their solution to
23andMe to find out what yourclown lineage is.
Alyssa (51:04):
The yolk's on you.
Eric (51:08):
Ay wow, Clown Court.
Are you making a mockery ofthis court?
Good.
Matt (51:15):
Ah, judge Sprinkles.
He's so hard to pin down younever know what kind of mood
he's going to be in.
Eric (51:19):
I'm out of order.
You're out of order.
This whole court's out of order.
The vending machine in thelobby's out of order.
Alyssa (51:27):
Clown court.
Matt (51:28):
It just seems like you're trying to do A Marx Brothers bit
and can't quite remember it.
Alyssa (51:37):
That's us at 2 am, every single day.
Matt (51:41):
Because you're like halfway to a Groucho voice that
you're doing now.
Yeah.
By the way, eric, have you seenMarx Brothers films?
Yeah, any of them.
Which ones?
I've never watched all of ofone, but I've watched like
that's exactly what I meanyou've never seen night at the
opera or duck soup specifically,no, okay, so both of those are
(52:02):
required viewing, because theyaren't oh yeah, they don't so
much hold up, as they are justplain old, hilarious so good.
Eric (52:13):
Some point there will be accusations of like lawyerly
misconduct.
Matt (52:16):
Eric couldn't give a fuck about what I had to talk about
with Mark's brothers.
Eric (52:20):
He is really right back in it.
I've got to circle back to itbefore it gets lost.
I'll circle back, follow up.
At some point there's alawyerly dispute.
Someone's accused of misconductand he's like wait until the
bar hears about this.
And in the back of the room,like 10 people like they'll look
up with drinks in their hands.
But yeah, no, I do need towatch these groucho.
(52:42):
It was duck soup and what wasthe other one?
Matt (52:45):
well, there's many, but a night at the opera is the one
that I would.
And then animal crackers isalso really good.
That's where you get the um.
I mean, groucho has all thebest one-liners, but the uh, all
of the marx brothers are arehysterical.
There's three main ones, ofcourse.
I'm sure you can name them oh,oh of the marx brothers.
Eric (53:06):
Oh yeah, it's uh there's groucho, there's groucho, yeah,
there's, uh there's, there's no.
Matt (53:13):
No, that's one of the seven dwarves that you've
confused it with there's Shep.
Chico and Harpo are the othertwo main brothers, and then
Zeppo, who was the straight manuntil they decided they didn't
need him.
Eric (53:25):
So they cut him, they cut him, they fucking cut him, they
cut him, but Animal Crackers iswhere you get.
Matt (53:34):
this morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas.
How he got in my pajamas I'llnever know.
See, that's the flavor of clowncourt Matt.
Eric (53:41):
That is prime Matt the stenographer for the court Mime.
Matt (53:46):
Oh, amazing, mime-ing, mime-ing stenographer Can't find
the typewriter.
Eric (53:50):
Strike that from the record.
Matt (53:56):
It just stands up.
I can't.
I can see you in my kitchenbending over a hot stove, but I
can't see the.
Eric (53:58):
I can't see the stove.
I did know that one oh man, themarks brother is so good uh, at
some point they're like likethere's like a sudden phone call
and like fucking uh.
Uh, like the judge like gets animportant call and it picks up.
He's like you don't say, youdon't say, you don't say, puts
(54:20):
down the phone, what was it?
Matt (54:21):
They didn't say yeah, yeah , see there has to be a live.
Alyssa (54:27):
There has to be a live.
Drum symbol.
Matt (54:30):
There's a live drummer to do the ba-bum chink, but he
can't quite get it right.
He always misses something.
Alyssa (54:37):
Ba-bum, ba-bum, yeah, he's got and then, like a half
hour later, he's got absolutelyno rhythm.
Matt (54:45):
He can't find the drum even.
Oh, he's a blind drummer.
Alyssa (54:49):
They feel bad for him.
Matt (54:51):
Oh man, yes, yes.
Eric (54:56):
Clown Court.
Alyssa (54:57):
Clown.
Matt (54:58):
Court Well.
Alyssa (55:00):
Welcome.
Matt (55:00):
Welcome, and would you look at that?
It's just about time for us.
Alyssa (55:08):
Pull the plug on Clown Court.
Eric (55:10):
I guess you folks weren't ready for that, but your kids
are going to love it.
Your kids are going to love it.
Well done, eric.
I wonder where folks weren'tready for that.
Matt (55:14):
But your kids are gonna love it, well done eric, I
wonder where you found theinspiration for that.
Um, could it be the posterbehind my head?
Uh, who can say?
Who can say so?
Uh, alissa, thank you so muchfor joining us.
It feels like it's been a longtime coming yeah it's.
Alyssa (55:32):
It's wonderful to be in.
I didn't think about how mucheye contact you probably make
when you're recording theseepisodes, and now that I'm
seeing you guys all doing this,it's really nice, it's really
cute.
Matt (55:43):
We try to keep it intimate in an acceptable way, not a
tubing kind of way.
Alyssa (55:50):
No, no, not like a clown court.
It's a clown court.
Eric (55:57):
Do you think?
Alyssa (55:57):
a bunch of kangaroos walk in at one point.
Go wrong court, wrong court.
It's cute every time.
Matt (56:01):
Yeah, no matter who walks, and then everyone.
Eric (56:04):
I like to think the entire courtroom is like oh, no
problem, yeah, oh yeah no matterwho comes in, it's like oh, and
someone in the background isalways like uh, down the hall.
Second door to the left.
Matt (56:14):
We are dangerously close to the argument sketch from
Monty Python.
Eric (56:21):
I don't know if you know the sketch.
I'm talking about you vacuous,toffee-nosed, malodorous pervert
.
Matt (56:27):
Yes very good.
Alyssa (56:29):
You had that one in your pocket.
Matt (56:30):
I didn't come here for an argument.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Alyssa (56:32):
That's down the hall.
This is abuse.
This is abuse.
This is abuse.
Thanks for letting me talkabout Neopets.
Of course, it's nice to be ableto talk about it.
Matt (56:45):
I got my quest log staring me in the face over here.
Alyssa (56:49):
And you just let me know what you need.
Matt (56:51):
Absolutely so, alyssa.
Unfortunately, I do think we'rejust about time here for our
adventure.
Tell me, what do you have toplug for us?
I understand there are somethings that you want to make our
audience aware of.
Alyssa (57:07):
Oh, yeah, so I have a website that exists Doe baby
artcom, also on Etsy at doe baby, that's D O U G H B, a B Y A R
T.
If you're Baltimore local andyou are around auto bar in
September, my art will be thereall month upstairs at auto bar.
(57:30):
Yeah, be nice to each other,everybody.
That's an important thing.
Everyone be good, oh yeah andbe kind, uh, and also, do you
want to see nezumi?
Eric (57:41):
of course I fucking do okay oh my god, it's precious
it's a puppy, nezumi legumi, soprecious, I ought to sue me even
though she's 4 years old she'sa puppy, that's puppy.
Matt (58:00):
You could have told me she was 4 to like 20 58 is puppy.
If it's a dog, it's a puppy.
That's my mentality about it.
Alright, so those are theplaces that you can go to get
Doe Babe Art, and I suggest youdo.
That's DoeBabyArtcom, amongstthe other places.
Alyssa (58:21):
And on Instagram Doe underscore Babe.
Matt (58:25):
Absolutely, that's me.
And if you want to find us onInstagram, twitter, facebook,
tiktok, et cetera, et cetera,it's at.
You Didn't Ask Pod.
That's the letter.
You didn't ask pod, instagram,twitter, tiktok, et cetera, et
cetera.
Um, and of course, you canemail us at.
You didn't ask for thisgmailcom.
That's all spread out.
And, as Alyssa once did, youcan leave a message for us on
(58:49):
the thought line at 410-929-5329.
Call the thought line today,say something into the
microphone and we'll probablyput it on the show.
Yeah, now eric did.
Did I or your beloved missanything?
Eric (59:06):
no, but I miss her.
She's all the way downstairs.
Alyssa (59:08):
I was literally gonna say that I love you, eric.
Eric (59:11):
That's what I was gonna say I love you too.
Alyssa (59:13):
Yeah, I miss you yeah it's adorable.
Matt (59:19):
Well, from all of us here.
You didn't ask for this.
My name is matthew shea myname's eric poach and I'm alissa
and listen.
Eric (59:27):
You didn't ask but the people are real, the cases are
real, real funny.
This is his courtroom Honk.
It's Judge Sprinkles.
Matt (59:39):
Judge Sprinkles presiding.
What's his theme song?
Hit me with the theme song.
Eric (59:44):
Oh, it's Send in the Clowns.
But played on that intenseJudge, judy piano.
Alyssa (59:54):
Or it's.
Matt (59:59):
That's what plays when the bailiff says the honorable
judge sprinkles everywhere, andthen everybody's gotta get up.
Eric (01:00:08):
Oh, and at one point the prosecutor's like get down.
Mr Slippers, do you recognizethis knife?
Do you recognize this book?
Do you recognize thesovereignty of Czechoslovakia?
Alyssa (01:00:24):
Do you think the juggalos go to clown court?
Matt (01:00:28):
Juggalos go to clown court in handcuffs.
Eric (01:00:31):
Yeah, yeah, in handcuffs, they go.
Boop, boop, they never leave.
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On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!