October 10, 2024 • 38 mins
Ya boys were sick, so please enjoy a little trip down nostalgia lane...by which we mean the very best of Episodes 51-60. Don't worry, we'll be back with Episode 101 in two weeks.
But hey, if you want a new YDAFT...check out our first bonus episode on our Patreon!
What's included?
$1/month = YDAFT Punks
- Access to the YDAFT Discord
$4/month = YDAFT Giants
- Access to the YDAFT Discord
- 20% off all merch (coming soon!)
- And exclusive access to our new monthly bonus episodes..."Opps! All Tangents!"
"Oops! All Tangents" is a shorter, question-free episode dropped on the first Friday of every month. We'll tell longer stories, take deep dives into specific topics, and do all sorts other fun things we can't fit into our regular episodes. Join us!
Go to https://www.patreon.com/youdidntaskforthis to become a member!
Join our Patreon!
What's included?
$1/month = YDAFT Punks
- Access to the YDAFT Discord
$4/month = YDAFT Giants
- Access to the YDAFT Discord
- 20% off all merch (coming soon!)
- And exclusive access to our new monthly bonus episodes..."Opps! All Tangents!"
"Oops! All Tangents" is a shorter, question-free episode dropped on the first Friday of every month. We'll tell longer stories, take deep dives into specific topics, and do all sorts other fun things we can't fit into our regular episodes. Join us!
Go to https://www.patreon.com/youdidntaskforthis to become a member!
We're on TikTok now! Go see our dumb faces!
Submit your least pressing questions, local legends, definitive rankings, neighborhood group drama, and whatever else you want us to cover at youdidntaskforthis@gmail.com or @udidntaskpod on TikTok, Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook.
You can also leave us a voicemail on The Thoughtline at (410) 929-5329 and we might just play it on the show!...
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Matt (00:01):
Hey, everybody, listen, you've already seen the title,
right.
Yeah, it's true, best of 51through 60 on tap.
I know it's been a while sincewe uncorked a best of episode,
but the situation was as followsEric was sick, then I was sick
and then time continued to move,so we didn't have time to
(00:22):
record number 101 just yet.
We will get that to you in twoweeks time.
If you do want a brand spankingnew episode of you Didn't Ask
For this, may I suggest going topatreoncom slash you didn't ask
for this and becoming a memberof our new Patreon, where you
will find our very first bonusepisode of Oops, all Tangents
(00:47):
now available to you, thePatreon subscriber.
That's out there if you'relooking for new content, but if
you want to relive the magic of50 episodes ago, then stay tuned
, because here come the bestbits from episodes 51 through 60
.
I'm in your office.
Ian the Holy Mole (01:25):
Or not?
Yeah, which stress toy are youtaking off of my desk, by the
way?
I have plenty.
Which one do you see what callsto you?
Matt (01:35):
I see a squeeze ball Okay, okay, and it's shaped like the
Stay Puft Marshmallow man.
Hell yeah, go on, go on, go on.
You can take them.
I'm squeezing them.
I'm watching his eyes bulge asI squeeze them.
Ian the Holy Mole (01:49):
You know, I got that out of a bowl of Fruit
Loops back in 1980s.
Absolutely fascinating.
When the Ghostbusters movie cameout, their special promotion.
you get this out of a box ofFruit Loops, and I got it, so
now it's not?
Matt (02:01):
are you suggesting that you're, that you're, you're
older than you are?
Why?
Why, in this situation, are youlying about?
Your man don't step into myoffice like further.
I'm already in your.
Ian the Holy Mole (02:12):
You have an inner office I yes, I like I
open up like a trap door in thefloor.
I'm like matthew, follow me.
Matt (02:18):
You've passed the first come down into the other.
Is this where you keep thespoons?
Ian the Holy Mole (02:23):
and as we're climbing into this little trap
door, that's I'm like.
So, so what?
So?
What's the best, worst way tospend spoons, do you think?
Matt (02:29):
okay, so now just to review in this hypothetical
situation, I've lit a torch, Ihave a torch, we're in a tunnel
underneath your office, as ifwe're going underneath king's
landing oh yeah, there's likelichen and shit hanging from the
walls.
Ian the Holy Mole (02:44):
There's a draft, so where we conspire in
the catacombs every every coupleof minutes.
I, I stop you and like we, stopand listen.
Eric (02:55):
I'm like wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Ian the Holy Mole (02:58):
Okay, keep going so matt matt off the top
of your head.
What the fuck do turtle doveseat?
Just guess.
Matt (03:05):
Seed.
Okay, Now what kind of seed?
I don't know.
I don't know.
Ian the Holy Mole (03:14):
What do turtle doves eat?
Compared to other songbirds,their diet is a bit bland.
They eat seeds.
They eat canola, millet,safflower.
Matt (03:25):
You got to feed these fuckers.
Cannoli, canola, cannolis.
Oh man, hey, I'm a turtle.
Dove Bring me the cannoli?
Over here Marco.
Eric (03:36):
Oh, you're a couple of birds in love.
Matt (03:40):
You come to me on the second day of Christmas asking,
asking me for a favor to adoptthis family.
Leave the poop.
Eric (03:49):
Take the cannoli.
Matt (03:51):
Actually leave me the cannoli.
It is my chief form ofnourishment.
Oh yeah, hoot, Hoot, hoot andfurthermore, I forgot, I'm a
little songbird for you.
Huh, Don't mind me.
Tweedledee, Tweedledee,Tweedledum, eh.
Make that little extra step foreach other.
Ian the Holy Mole (04:07):
Because if you do that, you're both going
to feel so supported.
You're both going to be thewind beneath each other's wings.
Matt (04:14):
Yeah and listen.
If all else fails, you canalways make up for it with
sexual favors.
Ian the Holy Mole (04:21):
Yeah okay, there we go.
You can always make up for itwith sexual favors.
Okay, there we go.
You can always make up for itthere it is, there's always a
way.
Matt (04:27):
There's always a way, updog, you can send.
Ian the Holy Mole (04:30):
Amy feet pics .
I think that's what they'reinto.
Can I get a check?
Can I get a check?
Matt (04:40):
on that.
I was trying to do a nice exiton a joke oh, some boudoir feet
pics.
And here you come with boudoirfeet pics.
I was trying to do a nice exiton a joke Awesome Boudoir feet
pics.
And here you come with boudoirfeet pics.
Oh, man, man here with yourwiki feet nonsense, yep.
So that is your answer.
Ian the Holy Mole (05:01):
Enough talk PM.
That's the solution.
Boudoir feet pics.
Thank you for the question.
Eric (05:09):
I'm watching that freak.
Matt (05:12):
I hope we have.
I hope we provided someguidance.
Oh yeah, skip it.
Just Okay, all right.
So I think we've done a greatjob redefining, doing the dishes
, putting the woesie and themtoesies.
Ian the Holy Mole (05:30):
Now that we're, we're in the tunnel,
right torch held aloft.
Where could we possibly be?
Oh, what's this secret passage,baby?
Secret passage leads right backinto my office one good so yeah
, so good.
So here we are.
I put, I put the torch in asconce that wasn't in the office
when you first came in.
Absolutely, I'm trying to thinkof a good hell pun here.
(05:51):
Prelude, prelude, preludeprelude flam going.
Eric (05:57):
It is I beelzebub it is I Beelzebitt?
Matt (06:02):
It is I Beelzebitt.
I studied at the Second City.
Ian the Holy Mole (06:07):
Anytime you talk to him, he's like the ruler
of this particular ring and,like anytime you talk to him,
you can't help but also speak inlike a heightened voice.
Eric (06:15):
You're like I don't want to be here.
I see you commit to the bit.
Matt (06:20):
Well, yeah, that's how that's his normal voice, that's
how he normally speaks to theline, very similar to the
Watcher's voice.
Oh, yeah, now realizing.
But then when you go up to himhe switches immediately to be
like, well, howdy partner, whatbrings you on over here?
Yeah, and then if you're like,uh, beelzebitt, I'm just trying
(06:40):
to no, I'm sorry that ain't myname, my name bit, I'm just
trying to.
Ian the Holy Mole (06:50):
No, I'm sorry that ain't my name, my name's
old old two barrel magoo, twobarrel magoo, stop it, you're
making hell nice again.
Matt (06:55):
Oh, yeah, you know.
And then somebody else comes upto him and he has to be like
wow, I'll tell you what thisyou're like the prize at the
bottom of a crock jack, you know?
Yep, he's just constantly.
Ian the Holy Mole (07:04):
He's just constantly jumping bits and oh
yeah, you can never keep up withhis bit.
Matt (07:10):
That's the problem, you're always one step behind his keep
up with bl's a bit no bl.
Ian the Holy Mole (07:15):
That is the key to bl's.
A bit every single time you'relike oh, I finally figured it
out, I get what his bit is nowand you try to like match him.
He's already on to a new bit.
Matt (07:25):
And you know, after you cross the river you're getting
into limbo.
You have a hookup with Danteand Virgil, and Virgil's
bringing you through the thingand you're like hey, what's up
with Beelzebitt?
And that's when Virgil's likeoh yeah, he's not an employee of
hell, actually, he's the firstguy in line.
(07:45):
He just refuses to leave theline.
You sort of adopted the line.
He's like the PTA president.
Ian the Holy Mole (07:51):
Yeah, good circle, good circle.
I understand the metaphor, matt, come take a look at my
bookshelf here, stop taking meplaces.
I pull the book out and thebookshelf starts rotating around
.
Follow me here.
Eric (08:03):
Yes, where are we now?
Ian the Holy Mole (08:06):
Oh it's the sex room we're back here this is
where we hide all your spoonsyou shouldn't have this in your
office place.
Matt (08:14):
Individual in the beloved celebrity's death a beloved, a
beloved celebrity's death willtake place in 2023.
That's just how life works.
That that's that could be thefree space.
But, eric, it does feel like alittle bit of a cop-out to stop
there and say a belovedcelebrity's death without naming
(08:36):
the beloved celebrity oh my, doyou have one in mind?
I don't, but I'm just thinking.
I was just thinking oh, writedown a celebrity's death.
That's a cop-out, matt.
Ian the Holy Mole (08:48):
I'm going to call it.
We've got to be specific withit.
I'm going to fucking call it.
Matt (08:51):
Before you do, eric.
What if this person dies Did?
We cause it?
Ian the Holy Mole (08:56):
Yes, this is where my brain is gone.
No, we did do it All.
Right, eric, who's gonna die?
Morgan freeman?
Matt (09:11):
whoa, yeah, I'm.
Oh, he's pointing to the stands.
He's pointing at morgan freeman.
Ian the Holy Mole (09:13):
Okay, morgan freeman will, and let me be
clear I fucking love morganfreeman.
Morgan freeman's gift.
He's a joy.
I wish him nothing butlongevity and life, but I think
2023 coming for morgan?
Matt (09:25):
okay, all right.
Well, here's what I think isfair if we're gonna, if we're
gonna, but longevity and life,but I think 2023 coming from
Morgan Okay, all right.
Well, here's what I think isfair.
If we're going to givepotentially more than 25 options
and allow ourselves to arrangeour own bingo card, yeah, is
that what we're discussing?
Yes, if that's the case, then Ithink it's only fair that you
have to include Morgan.
Freeman will die.
Eric (09:42):
And who's yours?
Matt (09:44):
I have to have one as well .
Well, I am.
Ian the Holy Mole (09:46):
Oh, that's brilliant.
Matt (09:47):
You're so brilliant, we should do a podcast together.
We should.
I'm going to stack the odds alittle bit.
Not stack the odds, but I wantto.
Ian the Holy Mole (09:56):
I'm just looking at You're Googling ages
right now.
Matt (09:59):
I just Googled old celebrities.
Oh my God, this is offensive.
People I'm not gonna say who,but people in their fucking 50s
came up for this result andthat's, oh, that's offensive
maybe 50s the new 20 okay, allright, I have a death.
That, I think, is just aboutguaranteed.
Okay, I think I think yourguess morgan freeman is like
(10:22):
because there are people in illhealth, right?
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
So I have a name that I couldsay who is old and in ill health
.
Oh no, who is it?
But we didn't add anystipulation.
Tony Bennett's going to die.
Eric (10:38):
Tony Bennett.
Matt (10:40):
Tony Bennett's dead.
Ian the Holy Mole (10:42):
He's not dead yet.
Matt (10:44):
His last number.
I want to point out right nowfor the audience.
I want everybody to know up top.
Let's be completely transparentIn the interest of fairness.
It is at this exact moment myvoice is talking.
2.29 pm on January 14th is whenwe're recording this episode
(11:07):
and if any of these deathshappen before Thursday when this
episode is released, we'd stillget the points.
Ian the Holy Mole (11:16):
Oh, we'd still get the points.
We'd still like tragic Right,like abject tragedy.
Matt (11:21):
For this or any other event on the bigger side Nation
in mourning, yes, but we stillget the points this fun.
This is already fun and weshould do this every year.
Ian the Holy Mole (11:31):
We should do this every year this should be
our new, our new year'stradition, our first show.
This should be our first showof the year.
Matt (11:38):
I think it's great.
Uh, we haven't even finished.
We've gotten three in.
Ian the Holy Mole (11:41):
We've, only we've only gotten three things
deep.
Two-thirds of our content sofar celebrity deaths, and we're
overjoyed.
Matt (11:47):
Let's get all the story, but I'll tell it anyway.
So it's, it's very high school,it's very dumb.
So I, the girl I was dating atthe time, was on this big trip
across the pond and that gave mesome time to reflect on the
relationship.
(12:08):
And when she stop it, I didn'teven fucking say it.
So before she left I wasalready starting to feel like
something's not quite right.
The spark's kind of gone.
You know, I I feel a littleguilty about some of the stuff
we're doing now, because I'mlike, I don't think I feel the
(12:29):
way I felt before high school,you know.
And so I made the decision touh break things off and I
thought, I thought the thestand-up thing to do oh, you had
, you had a thought was to, youknow, not continue a facade and
(12:50):
be a dick of like takingadvantage of somebody's feelings
when I don't feel that way.
So she came home and I broke upwith her, you know, right away
there.
And then it turns out when I'vetold this in the past or, you
know, since, maybe I could havestuck it out a day or two uh,
(13:12):
just a quick, mother, I didn'tneed to like, welcome her home
with heartbreak, uh, and thatapparently the narrative she was
spreading was that I did thisdickish thing and I thought I
was this is a crime.
How is this a crime?
Uh, so I thought I was being agentleman, I thought I was being
(13:35):
chivalrous, and it turns outthis is how you get the nickname
the band-aid you just pull itoff.
You just rip it off I just Iripped it off there and then,
you know, after seeing the redspot on the skin, said, oh,
perhaps I could have eased intoit like I'm imagining she's
(13:57):
showing you her souvenirs.
Ian the Holy Mole (13:59):
Like you have the little model of big I
didn't even let it get thatshe's, she's got a t-shirt that
says keep calm and carry on, andthat's when you go.
Oh, while we're on that subject,I'm glad you feel that way.
How stiff, would you say, yourupper lip is at present?
She hands him a little model ofa red double-decker bus.
Matt (14:18):
I don't know.
I don't know what souvenirs shegot for me, because I never let
it get that far.
It was like, hey, nice to seeyou, we need to talk I'm
imagining you.
Ian the Holy Mole (14:29):
You were at the airport.
No, I was at her house.
Oh, oh, that was holding wellthat.
Oh, not holding up the signsaying you're dumped at the
airport that does that doesremind me of of my my friend tim
, one of my best friends fromhigh school and, again, dumb
high school kids.
He once broke up with a girl.
He was so nervous about doingit that they were walking along
(14:52):
the road.
I'm not making this up.
They were walking along theroad and they're talking.
And he goes hey, I got a jokefor you.
Why did the chicken cross theroad?
And she says why.
He runs across the street andsays I think, we should break up
and then runs home, oh my God.
And then runs home.
Matt (15:12):
Genius, but that is the dickest move.
Oh yeah, ever heard oh that'snext level.
Ian the Holy Mole (15:18):
Luckily, they were both already like it was
the the the.
Their relationship, their highschool romance was already on
the rocks.
Like it it was, it was.
It was at that moment where,like one of them was gonna break
it off, like they were bothlike we're, we're we, we don't
like this anymore.
So she was just more relievedand found it funny.
But god damn yeah, that storywould definitely earn Tim a pint
(15:44):
in a UK pub.
Wow, that's like legendarystage.
You'd have like your photo putabove the bar.
Free pickled egg Guaranteed lad.
Matt (15:55):
It's a great bit.
It is undeniably a great bit.
I have immense respect for thebit, but still an asshole for
doing it.
Oh, yes, and I suppose I was aswell.
And yeah, hey, listen If you'relistening.
Sorry about that.
Ian the Holy Mole (16:18):
Tim, hey Tim, if you're listening, man,
you're a fucking legend.
You know that, Like absolutely.
Matt (16:24):
That's something that's good to spend spoons on.
Ian the Holy Mole (16:27):
I absolutely agree.
How about what's your worst?
Are we sticking with workmeetings or is there anything
else you can think of All those?
Matt (16:34):
conversations I'm having right now.
Ian the Holy Mole (16:36):
Wow, matt, step out of my office for a
moment.
Matt (16:41):
Absolutely All right.
Thank God, we're out of here,ready to let you back in.
Ian the Holy Mole (16:46):
I've been crying visibly.
Oh, okay, my eyes are all puffyand red.
Matt (16:50):
It was a joke, Eric.
Ian the Holy Mole (16:51):
It was one of those comical witticisms I
throw out oh yeah, bro, I know,I know, I know I lovingly punch
you in the arm and then likestep into my office I thought I
was already back in the office.
Matt (17:01):
Oh, sorry me out briefly at a little cry now, we're, now,
we're back in in earnestabsolutely okay, eric, let me
actually come with me back nextdoor to my office oh, oh, oh
yeah, oh, nice fucking office,my guy yeah, thank yeah, you
like the shot glasses.
Yeah yeah, yeah, it's good,it's good, it's a custom blanket
.
Ian the Holy Mole (17:19):
What is that 200?
Matt (17:21):
Yeah, no, it's over 200.
Eric (17:24):
It's way over 200.
Matt (17:25):
Oh yeah, sorry I didn't see your face, but right now
we're having a conversation,eric would, with you a recent
dream I've had oh my gosh,matthew, please and I don't want
to lead you astray.
When I say a dream I've had,I'm talking about an actual
dream.
I'm not talking about like ahope or an aspiration life goal,
(17:46):
bullshit like no, no, no no,you was dreaming.
No, my subconscious is what I'dlike to discuss teeth falling
out.
Yeah, and wait for tests Isuppose you could call it a
nightmare, but really thenightmare happens when I wake up
.
Isn't that interesting?
Okay yeah all right so here's,here's what happened.
(18:08):
Um, I can't remember all thebits and pieces, but here's the
important part.
There's a bald tall man, okay,okay, picture him there I'd say
my mind's eye, I see him like afreakish height, like maybe like
six, seven, you know hey man,thank you.
Ian the Holy Mole (18:28):
Thank you for val.
Anything but anything belowthat, totally normal, totally
normal and fine.
Matt (18:32):
Six seven.
Ian the Holy Mole (18:33):
You're a fucking freak.
Matt (18:35):
Yeah, like a weird height, like 6'7", something like that,
something nobody is.
No, yeah, and so this guy, he'sa bigger guy, bald guy,
imposing man.
All right, okay, you got himthere.
Yeah, and for some reason Agrim aspect.
Yes, For some reason we are atthe top floor of my parents'
(18:56):
house.
Top floor there's two floors.
Ian the Holy Mole (18:58):
I don't know why I made it sound like it was
the Empire State Building.
You're technically correct.
Matt (19:01):
I'm on the top floor.
We're on the stairs, the oneflight of stairs.
The one flight of stairs goesup and there's a little railing
at the top.
So we're in that little stretchof hallway right above the
stairs, little railing at thetop, you know.
So we're in that little stretchof hallway right above the
stairs.
I'm painting this picture soyou can see that we are in
showdown formation.
Ian the Holy Mole (19:21):
Okay, okay.
Yes, yes and so you know you'refighting for your fucking life
out here.
Matt (19:28):
I don't know what I said, but the man is upset and I say
that I said something because ofwhat I will soon say.
I'm still with you, go on mychild.
So the guy is getting reallypissed.
He wants to fight me, eric.
He wants to.
Ian the Holy Mole (19:48):
he's getting all revved up and he's got no
place to go as Meatloaf wouldsay he's like doing that thing
where, where he's flicking hisnose with his thumbs, yeah yeah,
yeah.
Matt (19:58):
And so then, eventually, he gets to the point where he
says I challenge you to a duel,okay.
And I say this is Dream Mattspeaking.
This is Dream Matt speaking, incase this seems out of
character.
Okay, dream Matt says my friend, I won the duel of wits long
(20:23):
ago.
Ian the Holy Mole (20:24):
My man, my fucking man, absolutely.
I am dead serious.
You hit him with an Oscar Wildequote, so I hit him with an
Oscar Wilde quote.
Matt (20:34):
So I hit him with an Oscar Wilde quote.
And what does he do, Eric?
Oh, he blows his fucking top.
Ian the Holy Mole (20:40):
Oh I bet he was pissed.
Matt (20:42):
Whatever nonsense I said before to this guy is immaterial
, because now he is pissed, helunges forward and he's like
closing the distance.
And Dream Matt is like a littleshocked because, as I said,
I've already won the battle yeah, so why are you attacking me?
I said I won so he comes in andI throw my hands up to to
(21:06):
protect myself yes, I sorry, Ijust wish you could all see what
I'm seeing.
Ian the Holy Mole (21:11):
It's beautiful, it's it.
Matt (21:14):
That is, your hands in front of you.
I can put up a screenshot ofthe hands in front of me and
Eric.
Yes, as most things happen whenyou have a dream like that, I
scream a little bit in the dream, right, like because he's
coming at me.
So you know, yeah, and it'susually at this point of dreams
(21:36):
that one wakes up, right whensomething jostling happens.
And that's exactly whathappened.
I woke up, but imagine mysurprise, eric, and remember,
before I say anything else, Iwant you to remember I'm the
victim here.
Ian the Holy Mole (21:49):
Oh, matt, matt, before you say anything
else, Before I say anything else, remember.
I am the victim, I am youradvocate, I am your friend and I
am here for you.
Matt (22:01):
Yes, and there can really only be one side of the story,
correct, so just keep that inmind as we go forward.
Yeah, imagine my surprise whenI regain my consciousness, to
find that I have both handsclasped around my wife's head
and am screaming in response.
Ian the Holy Mole (22:21):
So wait.
So just to be clear, you wereholding her head like a melon.
I'm the victim here.
No, matt, you are the victim.
Eric, I agree, there is a victimhere.
You are my friend, I know Matt.
Sorry In for a victim here.
You were my friend, I know Matt.
Sorry, in for a penny, in for apound.
I might have suckered you intoit, but you're my advocate.
(22:42):
So you woke up trying to crushyour wife's head like a grape.
Matt (22:46):
I was trying to crush the bald, tall man's head Like a
grape yeah yeah.
But instead I have my wife'shead in my hands.
Who is, I guess, scared?
Ian the Holy Mole (22:58):
I guess concerned.
I like was she looking directlyat you with your head she's
facing the other way.
Poor Lindsay just feels theselike mitts, like just
ear-muffing her noggin.
Matt (23:14):
Yes, like just from a ear, muffing her noggin.
Yes, so, in all seriousness, ina dead sleep, lindsey is woken
by my fucking mitts grabbinghold of her head, shaking it.
I forgot to mention that Ishook it, and so now this lasts
only a couple of seconds,because as soon as I gain
(23:35):
consciousness and realize whatI'm doing, I transition to I'm
sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm sosorry, what can you?
even say I'll tell you what Isaid, which Lindsay would later.
Lindsay has already relayedthis story to friends and she
put it the way she put it toadvocate for her.
(23:57):
Since she's not here, I'll sayexactly what she said.
She said that I had theaudacity after I said I'm sorry,
I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, baddream, so sorry.
After I got all those out, Isaid go back to sleep.
Eric (24:21):
Oh, Matthew, bless your heart.
Ian the Holy Mole (24:24):
Oh, bless you , she didn't what time in the
morning did this occur, Ibelieve this occurred at like
4.30 am.
Oh yeah, there's the day gone.
Matt (24:39):
Yeah, it's like just early enough before like wake up.
Like my alarm goes, I get up at6.45.
And so it's like just enoughtime that, like you can't get
great, great sleep after that no, there's no coming back from
that no, no, there's no comingback from that.
Well, the thing is, neitherlindsey or I really are sleeping
(24:59):
too well these these days,anyway, due to the world, yeah,
yeah.
So I told her to go back tosleep and, believe it or not,
she couldn't, she that's so wildto me she wait, come over here
behind my desk.
Take out the second drawer onthe left, just take.
Take it out.
Oh, I'm looking at you, man.
Yeah, it's the elevator, yeah,we're going down.
Ian the Holy Mole (25:18):
Oh fuck, yeah , Elevator desk.
Yeah, we're dropping down.
Matt (25:21):
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So we're dropping down into themat cave.
The mat cave here we are in themat cave.
And I brought you here becauseand it's like your- face taking
up the screen Precisely, so Icould easily have found a sound
(25:44):
effect, but I prefer to make ourown.
Ian the Holy Mole (25:45):
Anyone would be fucking blessed to have us as
Foley artists.
Matthew.
Matt (26:03):
Absolutely they would.
Okay.
So I brought you down here,eric, to introduce you to
Horatio, who is a tailor.
He's going to help you out withwardrobe choices, and me as
well, because I'm not going topretend that I'm a well-dressed
man, so we're getting fitted forsuits while we have this
conversation, my favorite jobalso didn't make much in the way
of finances.
It was I worked for the Parksand Rec Department at two
(26:23):
different pools.
I don't know if I've talkedabout this on the show or not.
I don't think you have, becauseI know it might be hard to
picture me as a lifeguard, butI'm now picturing it and I love
everything I'm seeing.
Ian the Holy Mole (26:39):
I just automatically see the dollop of
suntan lotion, just like righton the nose.
Yeah, you see it.
Yeah, yeah, you think I rockedthat.
Look, I think you Did you rockthat look.
Please tell me, god, I wantnothing else from this life.
Tell me you rocked that look.
Matt (26:56):
No, I was never a lifeguard.
I worked as the officeattendant.
Now let me tell you why I likethis job so much.
As the office attendant, mymain activity was reading and I
read so much.
That summer I just had a bookopen.
(27:17):
I read the entirety of thesherlock holmes canon jesus.
I read, I read shutter island.
That summer I read so manythings and I read.
Most of the reason shutterisland stood out to me is when
there's rain, right, the poolhas to close.
I mean, if there's thunder, thepool has to close.
Ian the Holy Mole (27:38):
Yeah, it's automatic, like pool's closed.
Matt (27:40):
But if it's raining like a drizzle, the pool can
technically be open.
Eric (27:45):
Yeah.
Matt (27:45):
So there was this like rainy summer afternoon, you know
day or whatever, and nobody'scoming to the pool because it's
like raining, but there was nolightning or thunder.
So the Parks and Rec didn'tcall it like, didn't say like,
OK, no work.
So me and like two lifeguardsare just at this pool hanging
(28:09):
out and I basically read most ofthat book in a day Just sitting
there by myself.
It was great, it was absolutelygreat.
But the other thing I got to dois I got to work the microphone
.
Ian the Holy Mole (28:26):
Oh fuck.
Eric (28:28):
Yes, okay, I was waiting.
Ian the Holy Mole (28:29):
I was waiting for it.
Yes.
Matt (28:32):
The microphone for the pools was in the office, so I
would be the person who calledthe adult swim.
I'd be the person who said,when the adult swim was over
which was my favorite thing,because inevitably somebody
would jump in.
You know how children are.
(28:54):
They line up on the edge of thepool at the end of the adult
swim and I'd say, like attention, overlook swimmers, the adult
swim.
And then this one kid jumped in.
And what do you think I did?
Ian the Holy Mole (29:13):
I, I think, I think I know exactly what you
did.
This kid jumped in and and youhit him with something along the
lines of uh, I did not say itwas over yet I literally was
like excuse me, pink shorts,there's an adult swim in
progress.
Matt (29:31):
I'm gonna need you to get out of the pool and and so, like
he gets out of the pool, he'slike looking back at me, like
are you fucking serious?
And then he like runs acrossthe side.
So of course I went no running.
And then, as soon as he got tohis position, I gave it a beat
and said the Adult Swim is nowover, you can get in.
(29:53):
They all leapt off the plane.
Oh my God, oh yeah, then it'slike chaos, please.
Ian the Holy Mole (30:02):
Matt, I'll do you one better.
Not only do we recommend fellas, sorry, we're going to have to
insist, we're going to have todemand, we're going to have to
demand.
Matt (30:11):
Is it?
Ian the Holy Mole (30:11):
toxic masculinity if we do it to
ourselves.
Yes, do it.
Matt (30:16):
You, pieces of shit, you piece of shit, do it, get it
done.
Sorry, that was toxic.
Ian the Holy Mole (30:22):
That was toxic.
Eric Eric please, Eric.
Matt (30:25):
I know we're leaving a voicemail, but step into my
office here real quick.
Eric (30:28):
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
What's up, what's up, what's up, what's up.
We got to be better.
Matt (30:34):
We got to work on ourselves.
Ian the Holy Mole (30:35):
We got to be better.
Matt (30:36):
Okay, this is, we're going to have you and I are going to
have to do an escape room.
Okay, we're going to have to doa motherfucking escape room,
eric, actually I know.
Yeah, we got to get back to thevoicemail.
Ian the Holy Mole (30:47):
We can't keep having these asides like this,
so let's get back to the Mattsorry oh sorry I got to, if we
could just dump into my officereal quick just real quick Pits
up.
Yeah, I just need a sip ofwater.
Matt (31:00):
That's it.
Probably in the office for that.
Oh man, I was so purged You'redoing great.
You're in your office so I canwatch you drink water.
Ian the Holy Mole (31:08):
Hey, come on, man.
The voicemail is about to end.
We got to Well maybe that bringsme to my next question, which
is they say that and wementioned a dog earlier that the
dog is man's best friend.
Is that true?
Eric (31:29):
I mean like is a dog better than Eric, for example?
Ian the Holy Mole (31:34):
I mean.
Matt (31:34):
I hate to put your relationship on a balance.
Balance.
You have put it on the spot,that's okay.
I'm willing, eric, are wewilling to trudge into these
waters?
Ian the Holy Mole (31:41):
Yes, yes, I will wade into the swamps of
sadness with you.
Maybe you should both answer atthe same time.
So I'll count down and I'll go.
Is a dog better than the otherof you?
And I will count it and youboth will either go, yes or no
Is.
Matt better than a dog?
Is Eric better than a dog?
I'm going to you know, here wego, yeah, three, two, one.
Eric (32:06):
Objectively no fucking way .
Matt (32:15):
Now Eric is and I have said this on the show before
dog-like.
I have cast you.
Are we operating under theassumption that there's some
sort of deal in which maybethere's psychological torture?
They're not allowed to kill usthat we won't be killed.
We won't be killed.
There's some sort ofunderstanding between us and the
person.
We're not the victim for them.
Ian the Holy Mole (32:33):
No, like I get home and-.
Matt (32:35):
Then I have a new answer.
Okay, what's your?
We're not the victim.
Ian the Holy Mole (32:36):
For them, no, like I get home and-.
Then I have a new answer.
Okay, what's your answer?
Matt (32:39):
Hannibal Lecter.
Ian the Holy Mole (32:40):
Oh, immaculate.
Matt (32:42):
The man can cook, he's classy, he has upscale taste.
He will also be quiet.
Ian the Holy Mole (32:50):
He will also be quiet.
He'll also help you reach someself-actualization.
He is a psychologist.
Matt (33:00):
Yeah, you can talk to him.
And then you get home from along day of work and he greets
you and says hey, I justfinished making some dinner.
No thanks, hanny, I'm good.
I'm good, I'm golden.
Ian the Holy Mole (33:13):
You enjoy it?
Got some Chipotle, we are goodto go.
Matt (33:18):
You earned it, my friend.
Ian the Holy Mole (33:24):
Now, the only annoying bit was like I feel
like I couldn't bitch to himabout my day because he would
always just turn it around on me.
I'm like, oh God, my boss hasjust been riding my ass oh, was
he riding your ass, eric?
Eric (33:39):
how curious.
How long have you been lettingother people walk all over you?
When you grew up in glenburnie,how many pillow sacks did you
sling over your shoulder, hopingfor a brighter day?
Matt (33:50):
you're still, still slinging that pillow sack to
this very day aren't you, eric?
Eric (33:56):
No, it's just because, and when you?
Matt (33:56):
close your eyes, you would finally admit to yourself that
it was you doing the bullying,wasn't it Eric?
It wasn't someone else, it wasalways you.
Ian the Holy Mole (34:07):
And then I'm just like nah, I'm just pissed
because it could have been anemail.
Matt (34:12):
No, no.
That's what you always defaultto, isn't it, eric?
It could have been an email.
It could have been an email,and yet an inbox will not fill
the void within you, will it?
Eric (34:22):
No, you're sending, eric, you're sending, but it's all in
your outbox, isn't it?
Ian the Holy Mole (34:30):
God damn it.
That's why you'd have to keepall interactions with Hanny to a
minimum, like just to a brie,like man, how you doing.
I'm just gonna be in my room,I'll be in my room, bye, bye and
just maybe deal with him likepetting the door from the
outside for several hours, butthat's what they make noise
canceling headphones I justthought I'd pop in to see if you
(34:53):
wanted a nightcap.
Eric (35:03):
And like if I fucked something up, like I forget to
do a chore, he was like thatwasn't part of our deal, eric, I
thought we discussed that Iwould vacuum every other month.
Matt (35:16):
Tell me, what are you really looking to clean?
Ian the Holy Mole (35:19):
That is what he would do the whole time and I
like hanny, hanny, I gotta, Igotta fucking go.
I thought, oh, eric, love yourcoat like whatever.
Matt (35:27):
Bye and then, yeah, then you do a gift exchange or
something and you get him like agift card or something to like
a steakhouse and he's like overanalyzing and then you, you open
, yeah, you open up his gift andit's just this jacket.
And he goes that's genuineleather I'll put it imported
(35:50):
yeah, yeah, yeah, I've got.
Ian the Holy Mole (35:56):
It's just like my closet is full of
leather items and I just havelike just a box with a little
sign on it that has imported inquotes.
Matt (36:05):
Eric, I couldn't help but notice you haven't worn your
coat, is it not to your?
Eric (36:12):
size.
I couldn't help but notice younever bring anyone around, eric.
Whatever happened to that onegirl.
Ian the Holy Mole (36:20):
She was a real dish I'm like, no, like
hanny, come on, man like that,that would be the thing like
several times.
So, uh, that would be.
The infuriating thing is Iwould have to get the the
landlord involved so many times,but the landlord would always
side with hannibal yes pictureof of charisma absolutely, but
then one day the landlord wouldjust disappear and I stay
(36:44):
because we're rent controlled.
Oh yes, like that he managed toget in on that?
Matt (36:49):
yeah, he's had this apartment since the 70s.
Yeah, and you're living withhim.
Eric (36:54):
now you, you're not playing against the landlord,
eric, you're playing me.
Matt (36:58):
I went to visit the landlord, but it simply said out
to lunch.
Eric (37:03):
Fucking God damn it Every time.
Matt (37:06):
Who knows when he'll be back, but he elected me as his
successor in the meantime, so Iwill need the check no later
than the 5th every day.
Eric (37:22):
You're killing me, hanny?
Oh, not yet.
Matt (37:28):
Oh trust me, you'd know, Eric, Out of men over here and
of course I am Matché.
Ian the Holy Mole (37:36):
I am Eric Poach.
Matt (37:37):
And and listen.
Ian the Holy Mole (37:39):
You didn't ask but unless you're pulling me
into the office to show me adank meme that you don't want
anyone else to see, can we agreethat, like pulling the oh, can
you come into my office please?
Is a super annoying and fuckingtoxic move?
Matt (37:54):
it's such.
It's like a weird power move.
It is the weirdest power move,that is, does not accomplish
what they think it does itreally doesn't, and it shows you
in a pretty like weird lightand you should just knock it off
but, but, matt, can I?
Before we finish eric, can youactually before?
Ian the Holy Mole (38:12):
I come in there.
Could you come into my?
Oh, matt, I'm sorry I asked youfirst just for a second though,
eric.
Matt (38:17):
I think you knew what I was teeing up.
If we could circle back tocoming to your office.
Ian the Holy Mole (38:19):
I think you heard me teeing up or something.
Matt (38:22):
So if you could step into my office, well, agree to
disagree.
Okay, actually, I think thisfoyer is part of my office.
Oh, oh, thank you.
Hey, everybody, listen, you've already seen the title,
right.
Yeah, it's true, best of 51through 60 on tap.
I know it's been a while sincewe uncorked a best of episode,
but the situation was as followsEric was sick, then I was sick
and then time continued to move,so we didn't have time to
(00:22):
record number 101 just yet.
We will get that to you in twoweeks time.
If you do want a brand spankingnew episode of you Didn't Ask
For this, may I suggest going topatreoncom slash you didn't ask
for this and becoming a memberof our new Patreon, where you
will find our very first bonusepisode of Oops, all Tangents
(00:47):
now available to you, thePatreon subscriber.
That's out there if you'relooking for new content, but if
you want to relive the magic of50 episodes ago, then stay tuned
, because here come the bestbits from episodes 51 through 60
.
I'm in your office.
Ian the Holy Mole (01:25):
Or not?
Yeah, which stress toy are youtaking off of my desk, by the
way?
I have plenty.
Which one do you see what callsto you?
Matt (01:35):
I see a squeeze ball Okay, okay, and it's shaped like the
Stay Puft Marshmallow man.
Hell yeah, go on, go on, go on.
You can take them.
I'm squeezing them.
I'm watching his eyes bulge asI squeeze them.
Ian the Holy Mole (01:49):
You know, I got that out of a bowl of Fruit
Loops back in 1980s.
Absolutely fascinating.
When the Ghostbusters movie cameout, their special promotion.
you get this out of a box ofFruit Loops, and I got it, so
now it's not?
Matt (02:01):
are you suggesting that you're, that you're, you're
older than you are?
Why?
Why, in this situation, are youlying about?
Your man don't step into myoffice like further.
I'm already in your.
Ian the Holy Mole (02:12):
You have an inner office I yes, I like I
open up like a trap door in thefloor.
I'm like matthew, follow me.
Matt (02:18):
You've passed the first come down into the other.
Is this where you keep thespoons?
Ian the Holy Mole (02:23):
and as we're climbing into this little trap
door, that's I'm like.
So, so what?
So?
What's the best, worst way tospend spoons, do you think?
Matt (02:29):
okay, so now just to review in this hypothetical
situation, I've lit a torch, Ihave a torch, we're in a tunnel
underneath your office, as ifwe're going underneath king's
landing oh yeah, there's likelichen and shit hanging from the
walls.
Ian the Holy Mole (02:44):
There's a draft, so where we conspire in
the catacombs every every coupleof minutes.
I, I stop you and like we, stopand listen.
Eric (02:55):
I'm like wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Ian the Holy Mole (02:58):
Okay, keep going so matt matt off the top
of your head.
What the fuck do turtle doveseat?
Just guess.
Matt (03:05):
Seed.
Okay, Now what kind of seed?
I don't know.
I don't know.
Ian the Holy Mole (03:14):
What do turtle doves eat?
Compared to other songbirds,their diet is a bit bland.
They eat seeds.
They eat canola, millet,safflower.
Matt (03:25):
You got to feed these fuckers.
Cannoli, canola, cannolis.
Oh man, hey, I'm a turtle.
Dove Bring me the cannoli?
Over here Marco.
Eric (03:36):
Oh, you're a couple of birds in love.
Matt (03:40):
You come to me on the second day of Christmas asking,
asking me for a favor to adoptthis family.
Leave the poop.
Eric (03:49):
Take the cannoli.
Matt (03:51):
Actually leave me the cannoli.
It is my chief form ofnourishment.
Oh yeah, hoot, Hoot, hoot andfurthermore, I forgot, I'm a
little songbird for you.
Huh, Don't mind me.
Tweedledee, Tweedledee,Tweedledum, eh.
Make that little extra step foreach other.
Ian the Holy Mole (04:07):
Because if you do that, you're both going
to feel so supported.
You're both going to be thewind beneath each other's wings.
Matt (04:14):
Yeah and listen.
If all else fails, you canalways make up for it with
sexual favors.
Ian the Holy Mole (04:21):
Yeah okay, there we go.
You can always make up for itwith sexual favors.
Okay, there we go.
You can always make up for itthere it is, there's always a
way.
Matt (04:27):
There's always a way, updog, you can send.
Ian the Holy Mole (04:30):
Amy feet pics .
I think that's what they'reinto.
Can I get a check?
Can I get a check?
Matt (04:40):
on that.
I was trying to do a nice exiton a joke oh, some boudoir feet
pics.
And here you come with boudoirfeet pics.
I was trying to do a nice exiton a joke Awesome Boudoir feet
pics.
And here you come with boudoirfeet pics.
Oh, man, man here with yourwiki feet nonsense, yep.
So that is your answer.
Ian the Holy Mole (05:01):
Enough talk PM.
That's the solution.
Boudoir feet pics.
Thank you for the question.
Eric (05:09):
I'm watching that freak.
Matt (05:12):
I hope we have.
I hope we provided someguidance.
Oh yeah, skip it.
Just Okay, all right.
So I think we've done a greatjob redefining, doing the dishes
, putting the woesie and themtoesies.
Ian the Holy Mole (05:30):
Now that we're, we're in the tunnel,
right torch held aloft.
Where could we possibly be?
Oh, what's this secret passage,baby?
Secret passage leads right backinto my office one good so yeah
, so good.
So here we are.
I put, I put the torch in asconce that wasn't in the office
when you first came in.
Absolutely, I'm trying to thinkof a good hell pun here.
(05:51):
Prelude, prelude, preludeprelude flam going.
Eric (05:57):
It is I beelzebub it is I Beelzebitt?
Matt (06:02):
It is I Beelzebitt.
I studied at the Second City.
Ian the Holy Mole (06:07):
Anytime you talk to him, he's like the ruler
of this particular ring and,like anytime you talk to him,
you can't help but also speak inlike a heightened voice.
Eric (06:15):
You're like I don't want to be here.
I see you commit to the bit.
Matt (06:20):
Well, yeah, that's how that's his normal voice, that's
how he normally speaks to theline, very similar to the
Watcher's voice.
Oh, yeah, now realizing.
But then when you go up to himhe switches immediately to be
like, well, howdy partner, whatbrings you on over here?
Yeah, and then if you're like,uh, beelzebitt, I'm just trying
(06:40):
to no, I'm sorry that ain't myname, my name bit, I'm just
trying to.
Ian the Holy Mole (06:50):
No, I'm sorry that ain't my name, my name's
old old two barrel magoo, twobarrel magoo, stop it, you're
making hell nice again.
Matt (06:55):
Oh, yeah, you know.
And then somebody else comes upto him and he has to be like
wow, I'll tell you what thisyou're like the prize at the
bottom of a crock jack, you know?
Yep, he's just constantly.
Ian the Holy Mole (07:04):
He's just constantly jumping bits and oh
yeah, you can never keep up withhis bit.
Matt (07:10):
That's the problem, you're always one step behind his keep
up with bl's a bit no bl.
Ian the Holy Mole (07:15):
That is the key to bl's.
A bit every single time you'relike oh, I finally figured it
out, I get what his bit is nowand you try to like match him.
He's already on to a new bit.
Matt (07:25):
And you know, after you cross the river you're getting
into limbo.
You have a hookup with Danteand Virgil, and Virgil's
bringing you through the thingand you're like hey, what's up
with Beelzebitt?
And that's when Virgil's likeoh yeah, he's not an employee of
hell, actually, he's the firstguy in line.
(07:45):
He just refuses to leave theline.
You sort of adopted the line.
He's like the PTA president.
Ian the Holy Mole (07:51):
Yeah, good circle, good circle.
I understand the metaphor, matt, come take a look at my
bookshelf here, stop taking meplaces.
I pull the book out and thebookshelf starts rotating around
.
Follow me here.
Eric (08:03):
Yes, where are we now?
Ian the Holy Mole (08:06):
Oh it's the sex room we're back here this is
where we hide all your spoonsyou shouldn't have this in your
office place.
Matt (08:14):
Individual in the beloved celebrity's death a beloved, a
beloved celebrity's death willtake place in 2023.
That's just how life works.
That that's that could be thefree space.
But, eric, it does feel like alittle bit of a cop-out to stop
there and say a belovedcelebrity's death without naming
(08:36):
the beloved celebrity oh my, doyou have one in mind?
I don't, but I'm just thinking.
I was just thinking oh, writedown a celebrity's death.
That's a cop-out, matt.
Ian the Holy Mole (08:48):
I'm going to call it.
We've got to be specific withit.
I'm going to fucking call it.
Matt (08:51):
Before you do, eric.
What if this person dies Did?
We cause it?
Ian the Holy Mole (08:56):
Yes, this is where my brain is gone.
No, we did do it All.
Right, eric, who's gonna die?
Morgan freeman?
Matt (09:11):
whoa, yeah, I'm.
Oh, he's pointing to the stands.
He's pointing at morgan freeman.
Ian the Holy Mole (09:13):
Okay, morgan freeman will, and let me be
clear I fucking love morganfreeman.
Morgan freeman's gift.
He's a joy.
I wish him nothing butlongevity and life, but I think
2023 coming for morgan?
Matt (09:25):
okay, all right.
Well, here's what I think isfair if we're gonna, if we're
gonna, but longevity and life,but I think 2023 coming from
Morgan Okay, all right.
Well, here's what I think isfair.
If we're going to givepotentially more than 25 options
and allow ourselves to arrangeour own bingo card, yeah, is
that what we're discussing?
Yes, if that's the case, then Ithink it's only fair that you
have to include Morgan.
Freeman will die.
Eric (09:42):
And who's yours?
Matt (09:44):
I have to have one as well .
Well, I am.
Ian the Holy Mole (09:46):
Oh, that's brilliant.
Matt (09:47):
You're so brilliant, we should do a podcast together.
We should.
I'm going to stack the odds alittle bit.
Not stack the odds, but I wantto.
Ian the Holy Mole (09:56):
I'm just looking at You're Googling ages
right now.
Matt (09:59):
I just Googled old celebrities.
Oh my God, this is offensive.
People I'm not gonna say who,but people in their fucking 50s
came up for this result andthat's, oh, that's offensive
maybe 50s the new 20 okay, allright, I have a death.
That, I think, is just aboutguaranteed.
Okay, I think I think yourguess morgan freeman is like
(10:22):
because there are people in illhealth, right?
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
So I have a name that I couldsay who is old and in ill health
.
Oh no, who is it?
But we didn't add anystipulation.
Tony Bennett's going to die.
Eric (10:38):
Tony Bennett.
Matt (10:40):
Tony Bennett's dead.
Ian the Holy Mole (10:42):
He's not dead yet.
Matt (10:44):
His last number.
I want to point out right nowfor the audience.
I want everybody to know up top.
Let's be completely transparentIn the interest of fairness.
It is at this exact moment myvoice is talking.
2.29 pm on January 14th is whenwe're recording this episode
(11:07):
and if any of these deathshappen before Thursday when this
episode is released, we'd stillget the points.
Ian the Holy Mole (11:16):
Oh, we'd still get the points.
We'd still like tragic Right,like abject tragedy.
Matt (11:21):
For this or any other event on the bigger side Nation
in mourning, yes, but we stillget the points this fun.
This is already fun and weshould do this every year.
Ian the Holy Mole (11:31):
We should do this every year this should be
our new, our new year'stradition, our first show.
This should be our first showof the year.
Matt (11:38):
I think it's great.
Uh, we haven't even finished.
We've gotten three in.
Ian the Holy Mole (11:41):
We've, only we've only gotten three things
deep.
Two-thirds of our content sofar celebrity deaths, and we're
overjoyed.
Matt (11:47):
Let's get all the story, but I'll tell it anyway.
So it's, it's very high school,it's very dumb.
So I, the girl I was dating atthe time, was on this big trip
across the pond and that gave mesome time to reflect on the
relationship.
(12:08):
And when she stop it, I didn'teven fucking say it.
So before she left I wasalready starting to feel like
something's not quite right.
The spark's kind of gone.
You know, I I feel a littleguilty about some of the stuff
we're doing now, because I'mlike, I don't think I feel the
(12:29):
way I felt before high school,you know.
And so I made the decision touh break things off and I
thought, I thought the thestand-up thing to do oh, you had
, you had a thought was to, youknow, not continue a facade and
(12:50):
be a dick of like takingadvantage of somebody's feelings
when I don't feel that way.
So she came home and I broke upwith her, you know, right away
there.
And then it turns out when I'vetold this in the past or, you
know, since, maybe I could havestuck it out a day or two uh,
(13:12):
just a quick, mother, I didn'tneed to like, welcome her home
with heartbreak, uh, and thatapparently the narrative she was
spreading was that I did thisdickish thing and I thought I
was this is a crime.
How is this a crime?
Uh, so I thought I was being agentleman, I thought I was being
(13:35):
chivalrous, and it turns outthis is how you get the nickname
the band-aid you just pull itoff.
You just rip it off I just Iripped it off there and then,
you know, after seeing the redspot on the skin, said, oh,
perhaps I could have eased intoit like I'm imagining she's
(13:57):
showing you her souvenirs.
Ian the Holy Mole (13:59):
Like you have the little model of big I
didn't even let it get thatshe's, she's got a t-shirt that
says keep calm and carry on, andthat's when you go.
Oh, while we're on that subject,I'm glad you feel that way.
How stiff, would you say, yourupper lip is at present?
She hands him a little model ofa red double-decker bus.
Matt (14:18):
I don't know.
I don't know what souvenirs shegot for me, because I never let
it get that far.
It was like, hey, nice to seeyou, we need to talk I'm
imagining you.
Ian the Holy Mole (14:29):
You were at the airport.
No, I was at her house.
Oh, oh, that was holding wellthat.
Oh, not holding up the signsaying you're dumped at the
airport that does that doesremind me of of my my friend tim
, one of my best friends fromhigh school and, again, dumb
high school kids.
He once broke up with a girl.
He was so nervous about doingit that they were walking along
(14:52):
the road.
I'm not making this up.
They were walking along theroad and they're talking.
And he goes hey, I got a jokefor you.
Why did the chicken cross theroad?
And she says why.
He runs across the street andsays I think, we should break up
and then runs home, oh my God.
And then runs home.
Matt (15:12):
Genius, but that is the dickest move.
Oh yeah, ever heard oh that'snext level.
Ian the Holy Mole (15:18):
Luckily, they were both already like it was
the the the.
Their relationship, their highschool romance was already on
the rocks.
Like it it was, it was.
It was at that moment where,like one of them was gonna break
it off, like they were bothlike we're, we're we, we don't
like this anymore.
So she was just more relievedand found it funny.
But god damn yeah, that storywould definitely earn Tim a pint
(15:44):
in a UK pub.
Wow, that's like legendarystage.
You'd have like your photo putabove the bar.
Free pickled egg Guaranteed lad.
Matt (15:55):
It's a great bit.
It is undeniably a great bit.
I have immense respect for thebit, but still an asshole for
doing it.
Oh, yes, and I suppose I was aswell.
And yeah, hey, listen If you'relistening.
Sorry about that.
Ian the Holy Mole (16:18):
Tim, hey Tim, if you're listening, man,
you're a fucking legend.
You know that, Like absolutely.
Matt (16:24):
That's something that's good to spend spoons on.
Ian the Holy Mole (16:27):
I absolutely agree.
How about what's your worst?
Are we sticking with workmeetings or is there anything
else you can think of All those?
Matt (16:34):
conversations I'm having right now.
Ian the Holy Mole (16:36):
Wow, matt, step out of my office for a
moment.
Matt (16:41):
Absolutely All right.
Thank God, we're out of here,ready to let you back in.
Ian the Holy Mole (16:46):
I've been crying visibly.
Oh, okay, my eyes are all puffyand red.
Matt (16:50):
It was a joke, Eric.
Ian the Holy Mole (16:51):
It was one of those comical witticisms I
throw out oh yeah, bro, I know,I know, I know I lovingly punch
you in the arm and then likestep into my office I thought I
was already back in the office.
Matt (17:01):
Oh, sorry me out briefly at a little cry now, we're, now,
we're back in in earnestabsolutely okay, eric, let me
actually come with me back nextdoor to my office oh, oh, oh
yeah, oh, nice fucking office,my guy yeah, thank yeah, you
like the shot glasses.
Yeah yeah, yeah, it's good,it's good, it's a custom blanket
.
Ian the Holy Mole (17:19):
What is that 200?
Matt (17:21):
Yeah, no, it's over 200.
Eric (17:24):
It's way over 200.
Matt (17:25):
Oh yeah, sorry I didn't see your face, but right now
we're having a conversation,eric would, with you a recent
dream I've had oh my gosh,matthew, please and I don't want
to lead you astray.
When I say a dream I've had,I'm talking about an actual
dream.
I'm not talking about like ahope or an aspiration life goal,
(17:46):
bullshit like no, no, no no,you was dreaming.
No, my subconscious is what I'dlike to discuss teeth falling
out.
Yeah, and wait for tests Isuppose you could call it a
nightmare, but really thenightmare happens when I wake up
.
Isn't that interesting?
Okay yeah all right so here's,here's what happened.
(18:08):
Um, I can't remember all thebits and pieces, but here's the
important part.
There's a bald tall man, okay,okay, picture him there I'd say
my mind's eye, I see him like afreakish height, like maybe like
six, seven, you know hey man,thank you.
Ian the Holy Mole (18:28):
Thank you for val.
Anything but anything belowthat, totally normal, totally
normal and fine.
Matt (18:32):
Six seven.
Ian the Holy Mole (18:33):
You're a fucking freak.
Matt (18:35):
Yeah, like a weird height, like 6'7", something like that,
something nobody is.
No, yeah, and so this guy, he'sa bigger guy, bald guy,
imposing man.
All right, okay, you got himthere.
Yeah, and for some reason Agrim aspect.
Yes, For some reason we are atthe top floor of my parents'
(18:56):
house.
Top floor there's two floors.
Ian the Holy Mole (18:58):
I don't know why I made it sound like it was
the Empire State Building.
You're technically correct.
Matt (19:01):
I'm on the top floor.
We're on the stairs, the oneflight of stairs.
The one flight of stairs goesup and there's a little railing
at the top.
So we're in that little stretchof hallway right above the
stairs, little railing at thetop, you know.
So we're in that little stretchof hallway right above the
stairs.
I'm painting this picture soyou can see that we are in
showdown formation.
Ian the Holy Mole (19:21):
Okay, okay.
Yes, yes and so you know you'refighting for your fucking life
out here.
Matt (19:28):
I don't know what I said, but the man is upset and I say
that I said something because ofwhat I will soon say.
I'm still with you, go on mychild.
So the guy is getting reallypissed.
He wants to fight me, eric.
He wants to.
Ian the Holy Mole (19:48):
he's getting all revved up and he's got no
place to go as Meatloaf wouldsay he's like doing that thing
where, where he's flicking hisnose with his thumbs, yeah yeah,
yeah.
Matt (19:58):
And so then, eventually, he gets to the point where he
says I challenge you to a duel,okay.
And I say this is Dream Mattspeaking.
This is Dream Matt speaking, incase this seems out of
character.
Okay, dream Matt says my friend, I won the duel of wits long
(20:23):
ago.
Ian the Holy Mole (20:24):
My man, my fucking man, absolutely.
I am dead serious.
You hit him with an Oscar Wildequote, so I hit him with an
Oscar Wilde quote.
Matt (20:34):
So I hit him with an Oscar Wilde quote.
And what does he do, Eric?
Oh, he blows his fucking top.
Ian the Holy Mole (20:40):
Oh I bet he was pissed.
Matt (20:42):
Whatever nonsense I said before to this guy is immaterial
, because now he is pissed, helunges forward and he's like
closing the distance.
And Dream Matt is like a littleshocked because, as I said,
I've already won the battle yeah, so why are you attacking me?
I said I won so he comes in andI throw my hands up to to
(21:06):
protect myself yes, I sorry, Ijust wish you could all see what
I'm seeing.
Ian the Holy Mole (21:11):
It's beautiful, it's it.
Matt (21:14):
That is, your hands in front of you.
I can put up a screenshot ofthe hands in front of me and
Eric.
Yes, as most things happen whenyou have a dream like that, I
scream a little bit in the dream, right, like because he's
coming at me.
So you know, yeah, and it'susually at this point of dreams
(21:36):
that one wakes up, right whensomething jostling happens.
And that's exactly whathappened.
I woke up, but imagine mysurprise, eric, and remember,
before I say anything else, Iwant you to remember I'm the
victim here.
Ian the Holy Mole (21:49):
Oh, matt, matt, before you say anything
else, Before I say anything else, remember.
I am the victim, I am youradvocate, I am your friend and I
am here for you.
Matt (22:01):
Yes, and there can really only be one side of the story,
correct, so just keep that inmind as we go forward.
Yeah, imagine my surprise whenI regain my consciousness, to
find that I have both handsclasped around my wife's head
and am screaming in response.
Ian the Holy Mole (22:21):
So wait.
So just to be clear, you wereholding her head like a melon.
I'm the victim here.
No, matt, you are the victim.
Eric, I agree, there is a victimhere.
You are my friend, I know Matt.
Sorry In for a victim here.
You were my friend, I know Matt.
Sorry, in for a penny, in for apound.
I might have suckered you intoit, but you're my advocate.
(22:42):
So you woke up trying to crushyour wife's head like a grape.
Matt (22:46):
I was trying to crush the bald, tall man's head Like a
grape yeah yeah.
But instead I have my wife'shead in my hands.
Who is, I guess, scared?
Ian the Holy Mole (22:58):
I guess concerned.
I like was she looking directlyat you with your head she's
facing the other way.
Poor Lindsay just feels theselike mitts, like just
ear-muffing her noggin.
Matt (23:14):
Yes, like just from a ear, muffing her noggin.
Yes, so, in all seriousness, ina dead sleep, lindsey is woken
by my fucking mitts grabbinghold of her head, shaking it.
I forgot to mention that Ishook it, and so now this lasts
only a couple of seconds,because as soon as I gain
(23:35):
consciousness and realize whatI'm doing, I transition to I'm
sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm sosorry, what can you?
even say I'll tell you what Isaid, which Lindsay would later.
Lindsay has already relayedthis story to friends and she
put it the way she put it toadvocate for her.
(23:57):
Since she's not here, I'll sayexactly what she said.
She said that I had theaudacity after I said I'm sorry,
I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, baddream, so sorry.
After I got all those out, Isaid go back to sleep.
Eric (24:21):
Oh, Matthew, bless your heart.
Ian the Holy Mole (24:24):
Oh, bless you , she didn't what time in the
morning did this occur, Ibelieve this occurred at like
4.30 am.
Oh yeah, there's the day gone.
Matt (24:39):
Yeah, it's like just early enough before like wake up.
Like my alarm goes, I get up at6.45.
And so it's like just enoughtime that, like you can't get
great, great sleep after that no, there's no coming back from
that no, no, there's no comingback from that.
Well, the thing is, neitherlindsey or I really are sleeping
(24:59):
too well these these days,anyway, due to the world, yeah,
yeah.
So I told her to go back tosleep and, believe it or not,
she couldn't, she that's so wildto me she wait, come over here
behind my desk.
Take out the second drawer onthe left, just take.
Take it out.
Oh, I'm looking at you, man.
Yeah, it's the elevator, yeah,we're going down.
Ian the Holy Mole (25:18):
Oh fuck, yeah , Elevator desk.
Yeah, we're dropping down.
Matt (25:21):
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So we're dropping down into themat cave.
The mat cave here we are in themat cave.
And I brought you here becauseand it's like your- face taking
up the screen Precisely, so Icould easily have found a sound
(25:44):
effect, but I prefer to make ourown.
Ian the Holy Mole (25:45):
Anyone would be fucking blessed to have us as
Foley artists.
Matthew.
Matt (26:03):
Absolutely they would.
Okay.
So I brought you down here,eric, to introduce you to
Horatio, who is a tailor.
He's going to help you out withwardrobe choices, and me as
well, because I'm not going topretend that I'm a well-dressed
man, so we're getting fitted forsuits while we have this
conversation, my favorite jobalso didn't make much in the way
of finances.
It was I worked for the Parksand Rec Department at two
(26:23):
different pools.
I don't know if I've talkedabout this on the show or not.
I don't think you have, becauseI know it might be hard to
picture me as a lifeguard, butI'm now picturing it and I love
everything I'm seeing.
Ian the Holy Mole (26:39):
I just automatically see the dollop of
suntan lotion, just like righton the nose.
Yeah, you see it.
Yeah, yeah, you think I rockedthat.
Look, I think you Did you rockthat look.
Please tell me, god, I wantnothing else from this life.
Tell me you rocked that look.
Matt (26:56):
No, I was never a lifeguard.
I worked as the officeattendant.
Now let me tell you why I likethis job so much.
As the office attendant, mymain activity was reading and I
read so much.
That summer I just had a bookopen.
(27:17):
I read the entirety of thesherlock holmes canon jesus.
I read, I read shutter island.
That summer I read so manythings and I read.
Most of the reason shutterisland stood out to me is when
there's rain, right, the poolhas to close.
I mean, if there's thunder, thepool has to close.
Ian the Holy Mole (27:38):
Yeah, it's automatic, like pool's closed.
Matt (27:40):
But if it's raining like a drizzle, the pool can
technically be open.
Eric (27:45):
Yeah.
Matt (27:45):
So there was this like rainy summer afternoon, you know
day or whatever, and nobody'scoming to the pool because it's
like raining, but there was nolightning or thunder.
So the Parks and Rec didn'tcall it like, didn't say like,
OK, no work.
So me and like two lifeguardsare just at this pool hanging
(28:09):
out and I basically read most ofthat book in a day Just sitting
there by myself.
It was great, it was absolutelygreat.
But the other thing I got to dois I got to work the microphone
.
Ian the Holy Mole (28:26):
Oh fuck.
Eric (28:28):
Yes, okay, I was waiting.
Ian the Holy Mole (28:29):
I was waiting for it.
Yes.
Matt (28:32):
The microphone for the pools was in the office, so I
would be the person who calledthe adult swim.
I'd be the person who said,when the adult swim was over
which was my favorite thing,because inevitably somebody
would jump in.
You know how children are.
(28:54):
They line up on the edge of thepool at the end of the adult
swim and I'd say, like attention, overlook swimmers, the adult
swim.
And then this one kid jumped in.
And what do you think I did?
Ian the Holy Mole (29:13):
I, I think, I think I know exactly what you
did.
This kid jumped in and and youhit him with something along the
lines of uh, I did not say itwas over yet I literally was
like excuse me, pink shorts,there's an adult swim in
progress.
Matt (29:31):
I'm gonna need you to get out of the pool and and so, like
he gets out of the pool, he'slike looking back at me, like
are you fucking serious?
And then he like runs acrossthe side.
So of course I went no running.
And then, as soon as he got tohis position, I gave it a beat
and said the Adult Swim is nowover, you can get in.
(29:53):
They all leapt off the plane.
Oh my God, oh yeah, then it'slike chaos, please.
Ian the Holy Mole (30:02):
Matt, I'll do you one better.
Not only do we recommend fellas, sorry, we're going to have to
insist, we're going to have todemand, we're going to have to
demand.
Matt (30:11):
Is it?
Ian the Holy Mole (30:11):
toxic masculinity if we do it to
ourselves.
Yes, do it.
Matt (30:16):
You, pieces of shit, you piece of shit, do it, get it
done.
Sorry, that was toxic.
Ian the Holy Mole (30:22):
That was toxic.
Eric Eric please, Eric.
Matt (30:25):
I know we're leaving a voicemail, but step into my
office here real quick.
Eric (30:28):
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
What's up, what's up, what's up, what's up.
We got to be better.
Matt (30:34):
We got to work on ourselves.
Ian the Holy Mole (30:35):
We got to be better.
Matt (30:36):
Okay, this is, we're going to have you and I are going to
have to do an escape room.
Okay, we're going to have to doa motherfucking escape room,
eric, actually I know.
Yeah, we got to get back to thevoicemail.
Ian the Holy Mole (30:47):
We can't keep having these asides like this,
so let's get back to the Mattsorry oh sorry I got to, if we
could just dump into my officereal quick just real quick Pits
up.
Yeah, I just need a sip ofwater.
Matt (31:00):
That's it.
Probably in the office for that.
Oh man, I was so purged You'redoing great.
You're in your office so I canwatch you drink water.
Ian the Holy Mole (31:08):
Hey, come on, man.
The voicemail is about to end.
We got to Well maybe that bringsme to my next question, which
is they say that and wementioned a dog earlier that the
dog is man's best friend.
Is that true?
Eric (31:29):
I mean like is a dog better than Eric, for example?
Ian the Holy Mole (31:34):
I mean.
Matt (31:34):
I hate to put your relationship on a balance.
Balance.
You have put it on the spot,that's okay.
I'm willing, eric, are wewilling to trudge into these
waters?
Ian the Holy Mole (31:41):
Yes, yes, I will wade into the swamps of
sadness with you.
Maybe you should both answer atthe same time.
So I'll count down and I'll go.
Is a dog better than the otherof you?
And I will count it and youboth will either go, yes or no
Is.
Matt better than a dog?
Is Eric better than a dog?
I'm going to you know, here wego, yeah, three, two, one.
Eric (32:06):
Objectively no fucking way .
Matt (32:15):
Now Eric is and I have said this on the show before
dog-like.
I have cast you.
Are we operating under theassumption that there's some
sort of deal in which maybethere's psychological torture?
They're not allowed to kill usthat we won't be killed.
We won't be killed.
There's some sort ofunderstanding between us and the
person.
We're not the victim for them.
Ian the Holy Mole (32:33):
No, like I get home and-.
Matt (32:35):
Then I have a new answer.
Okay, what's your?
We're not the victim.
Ian the Holy Mole (32:36):
For them, no, like I get home and-.
Then I have a new answer.
Okay, what's your answer?
Matt (32:39):
Hannibal Lecter.
Ian the Holy Mole (32:40):
Oh, immaculate.
Matt (32:42):
The man can cook, he's classy, he has upscale taste.
He will also be quiet.
Ian the Holy Mole (32:50):
He will also be quiet.
He'll also help you reach someself-actualization.
He is a psychologist.
Matt (33:00):
Yeah, you can talk to him.
And then you get home from along day of work and he greets
you and says hey, I justfinished making some dinner.
No thanks, hanny, I'm good.
I'm good, I'm golden.
Ian the Holy Mole (33:13):
You enjoy it?
Got some Chipotle, we are goodto go.
Matt (33:18):
You earned it, my friend.
Ian the Holy Mole (33:24):
Now, the only annoying bit was like I feel
like I couldn't bitch to himabout my day because he would
always just turn it around on me.
I'm like, oh God, my boss hasjust been riding my ass oh, was
he riding your ass, eric?
Eric (33:39):
how curious.
How long have you been lettingother people walk all over you?
When you grew up in glenburnie,how many pillow sacks did you
sling over your shoulder, hopingfor a brighter day?
Matt (33:50):
you're still, still slinging that pillow sack to
this very day aren't you, eric?
Eric (33:56):
No, it's just because, and when you?
Matt (33:56):
close your eyes, you would finally admit to yourself that
it was you doing the bullying,wasn't it Eric?
It wasn't someone else, it wasalways you.
Ian the Holy Mole (34:07):
And then I'm just like nah, I'm just pissed
because it could have been anemail.
Matt (34:12):
No, no.
That's what you always defaultto, isn't it, eric?
It could have been an email.
It could have been an email,and yet an inbox will not fill
the void within you, will it?
Eric (34:22):
No, you're sending, eric, you're sending, but it's all in
your outbox, isn't it?
Ian the Holy Mole (34:30):
God damn it.
That's why you'd have to keepall interactions with Hanny to a
minimum, like just to a brie,like man, how you doing.
I'm just gonna be in my room,I'll be in my room, bye, bye and
just maybe deal with him likepetting the door from the
outside for several hours, butthat's what they make noise
canceling headphones I justthought I'd pop in to see if you
(34:53):
wanted a nightcap.
Eric (35:03):
And like if I fucked something up, like I forget to
do a chore, he was like thatwasn't part of our deal, eric, I
thought we discussed that Iwould vacuum every other month.
Matt (35:16):
Tell me, what are you really looking to clean?
Ian the Holy Mole (35:19):
That is what he would do the whole time and I
like hanny, hanny, I gotta, Igotta fucking go.
I thought, oh, eric, love yourcoat like whatever.
Matt (35:27):
Bye and then, yeah, then you do a gift exchange or
something and you get him like agift card or something to like
a steakhouse and he's like overanalyzing and then you, you open
, yeah, you open up his gift andit's just this jacket.
And he goes that's genuineleather I'll put it imported
(35:50):
yeah, yeah, yeah, I've got.
Ian the Holy Mole (35:56):
It's just like my closet is full of
leather items and I just havelike just a box with a little
sign on it that has imported inquotes.
Matt (36:05):
Eric, I couldn't help but notice you haven't worn your
coat, is it not to your?
Eric (36:12):
size.
I couldn't help but notice younever bring anyone around, eric.
Whatever happened to that onegirl.
Ian the Holy Mole (36:20):
She was a real dish I'm like, no, like
hanny, come on, man like that,that would be the thing like
several times.
So, uh, that would be.
The infuriating thing is Iwould have to get the the
landlord involved so many times,but the landlord would always
side with hannibal yes pictureof of charisma absolutely, but
then one day the landlord wouldjust disappear and I stay
(36:44):
because we're rent controlled.
Oh yes, like that he managed toget in on that?
Matt (36:49):
yeah, he's had this apartment since the 70s.
Yeah, and you're living withhim.
Eric (36:54):
now you, you're not playing against the landlord,
eric, you're playing me.
Matt (36:58):
I went to visit the landlord, but it simply said out
to lunch.
Eric (37:03):
Fucking God damn it Every time.
Matt (37:06):
Who knows when he'll be back, but he elected me as his
successor in the meantime, so Iwill need the check no later
than the 5th every day.
Eric (37:22):
You're killing me, hanny?
Oh, not yet.
Matt (37:28):
Oh trust me, you'd know, Eric, Out of men over here and
of course I am Matché.
Ian the Holy Mole (37:36):
I am Eric Poach.
Matt (37:37):
And and listen.
Ian the Holy Mole (37:39):
You didn't ask but unless you're pulling me
into the office to show me adank meme that you don't want
anyone else to see, can we agreethat, like pulling the oh, can
you come into my office please?
Is a super annoying and fuckingtoxic move?
Matt (37:54):
it's such.
It's like a weird power move.
It is the weirdest power move,that is, does not accomplish
what they think it does itreally doesn't, and it shows you
in a pretty like weird lightand you should just knock it off
but, but, matt, can I?
Before we finish eric, can youactually before?
Ian the Holy Mole (38:12):
I come in there.
Could you come into my?
Oh, matt, I'm sorry I asked youfirst just for a second though,
eric.
Matt (38:17):
I think you knew what I was teeing up.
If we could circle back tocoming to your office.
Ian the Holy Mole (38:19):
I think you heard me teeing up or something.
Matt (38:22):
So if you could step into my office, well, agree to
disagree.
Okay, actually, I think thisfoyer is part of my office.
Oh, oh, thank you.
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!