October 17, 2023 • 59 mins
Have you ever wondered how two contrasting worlds of Eastern philosophy and Western psychology could unite for personal growth and happiness? Alex Conway, a seasoned clinical psychologist, author, and founder of LGBTQJoy.com, passionately shares his story of bridging this gap. From exploring the impact of being different to using Eastern and Western thought patterns to embrace authenticity, Alex offers an enlightening discussion on the harmony between these two paradigms and how they can inspire us to be our most authentic selves.
One of Alex's significant achievements is his success in establishing a LGBTQ+ support group in an underserved district. Armed with music, introduction sessions, and a compassionate space for people to be themselves, Alex magnifies the transformative potential of empathy and kindness on individuals' lives. His heartwarming story emphasizes the profound effect of acceptance and understanding, especially regarding the significant role it plays in shaping children's lives.
Venturing further, we journey into the diverse world of cultures, authenticity, and mental health with Alex. His enriching experiences studying at the University of Sydney and understanding the Yin and Yang concept unlock a fascinating dialogue about life balance. The conversation peaks with an exploration of emotions and connections, illuminating how mindfulness and emotional awareness can help us understand ourselves better and nurture impactful relationships. Prepare for an enriching discourse that is as captivating as it is enlightening as Alex Conway guides us through his journey.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hello, hello, hello everyone, welcome back.
We are here today with mylovely co-host, eileen Grimes,
with the podcast you Only GoOnce, and today we have a
fantastic guest.
Eileen kick us off.
Speaker 2 (00:17):
Thanks, cheryl.
So today we have brought inAlex Conway.
Alex has a decade of experiencein clinical psychology, helping
people feel seen, connected andinspired to become better
versions of themselves.
He's an author, activist andfounder of LGBTQJoycom.
Alex, welcome, welcome, welcome.
(00:38):
And we have to tell everyone,because both Cheryl and I have
mentioned this now as soon as wesigned on, that Alex has this
amazing, beautiful, lit upbackground right now, with all
different colors that I mightget distracted by, but I think,
maybe I, hopefully I got my fillof it at the beginning of this.
Welcome, alex.
Speaker 3 (00:58):
Thank you, I appreciate it and thank you so
much for that kind welcome.
Speaker 2 (01:01):
So we're just so excited to have you here today,
one from your clinicalpsychology background and
experience.
I have my other company that isloved as you are.
So the whole concept is I wantkids to feel seen as the people
that they are and help parentsto help grow their kids into
those people.
(01:21):
Right, we're not trying to turnthem into anyone else.
So the scene connected, aninspired piece of it just
touches my heart completely.
Yeah, what so?
Where you're?
You're an author or what?
What have you written?
What came out?
What do you want to share withfolks and what sort of inspired
you to be here and live thisfullest self that you have today
?
Speaker 3 (01:41):
Yeah.
So I just love joy, I just lovethe idea of it, I love helping
people feel inspired to be happy.
My background is in clinicalpsychology.
I started off with my mastersand was on track to getting my
(02:03):
doctorate and about a weekbefore graduation the school
unexpectedly shut down.
So, taking that experience andat the same time my dissertation
was exploring Easternphilosophy and Western
psychology and how to combine tohelp each other thrive and so,
(02:30):
through that experience inspiredme to create this company, to
create this coaching company tohelp other people around the
world who did not have thosesame lectures and end up being
one of the greatest blessings indisguise, because had I gone
and had I finished and gotten mydoctorate, my license would
(02:52):
only be valid in the state ofNew York.
Sure that I'm able to be a coach.
I've been able to help inspirepeople in Taiwan, in Poland and
all over the world, and sohelping them to see that there's
so much more to who they arethan these preconceived notions
(03:16):
or these titles or these thingsthat we place on ourselves, and
to really help them learn to digdeep to find what makes them
happy, what inspires them.
And so my book is just all ofthe research I wrote that was
going to be my doctoraldissertation, but published in a
in a way that can hopefullyhelp others learn that
(03:40):
information.
And the information looks atwhat is the impact of being
different specifically sexualorientation on one sense of self
, and how do we use all of thesetools from both Eastern and
Western ways of thinking toinspire us and teach us the
(04:02):
tools to be happy in life?
Speaker 2 (04:06):
And wow, there's so much.
Let's just.
Can you just coach me now, justkidding.
No, that's not fair to you,because that would be that say
no, eileen, not a good idea,because my time is worth much
more than just free.
So where?
So, as you're talking aboutEastern and Western right, where
(04:27):
did you sort of start with thatlearning?
Where?
Where did that sort of comeacross your path to even know?
To integrate the two.
Speaker 3 (04:34):
Yeah, so a lot of what I was learning in school
was purely Western and I reallylike a lot of the ways of
thinking, but there needed to bemore, and especially with the
LGBTQ plus community.
It's so interesting becauseit's one of the rare incidences
(04:58):
where it fits every person fromevery culture, every age, every
background, every identity allgets lumped into one category,
and a lot of the times whenyou're looking at studies
they'll say we studied the LGBTQcommunity and therefore the
(05:18):
entire community does X, y or Z.
In reality, you look at thestudy and it was mostly done on
maybe white gay men, and socompare a black transgender
woman does not necessarily makesense, and so just having one
way of thought doesn't reallyfit the complexities of this
(05:41):
community and I really gotinspired by Buddhism.
And specifically Buddhism andthe idea of Yin and Yang, so the
idea that we have theseopposites coming together to
create something beautiful.
And in Western psych we have avery similar idea.
(06:04):
It's called object relationsand it looks at different
aspects of the individual andhow they may seem opposite or
may seem different, but cometogether.
And in Buddhism there's theidea of enlightenment, which is
where we are livingauthentically in the moment with
(06:27):
compassion, and I love howsimple that is.
It's not easy to do, but how itgives a simple framework for
what to focus our energy on andhow do we use the tools from
Western psych to get there.
So what does it mean?
Speaker 1 (06:48):
to be authentic.
Speaker 3 (06:50):
Well, in Western psych there is a model called
self psychology and it looks atwhat do you need as an
individual to develop your trueself, which is basically the
authentic self, and it says youneed to be seen for who you are,
your individuality, what makesyou different so your sexual
(07:13):
orientation, for example.
You need to feel connected toother people who have that
shared sense of difference, andyou need to feel inspired to
become a better version ofyourself.
And so I love the combinationof the two and how it takes
these complex things but reallysimplifies it in a way that can
(07:37):
be used to help almost anyperson, depending on what the
issue is.
And I love how there's justways of being kinder, ways of
being more present and ways ofbeing more ourselves.
And I found that doing theresearch and practicing what I
(07:59):
preach has been so helpful whenI face my own difficulties in
life, and my experience is beingable to help others do the same
.
Speaker 2 (08:17):
Yeah, I love the mix right?
Are you a practicing Buddhistor are you just?
Speaker 3 (08:22):
I'm just curious.
Yeah, yeah, although I do feelinspired by the teachings.
Speaker 2 (08:28):
Sure, yeah, yeah, no, I think it's fascinating, and I
mean raised Catholic,recovering Catholic, I think
that's what we call it.
So but, yeah, I was fascinatedto learn and understand these
other ways of thinking about notjust it's not just religion,
right, it's life, and it's awhole way of thinking about the
(08:48):
entire ecosystem of being inthis world.
And yeah, I just I think it'swonderful and there's so much
complexity to each one of usthat there's a part that I feel
like at least Western, some ofthe medicine practices and
things like that too.
And I think that we shouldleave out the individual piece
right, each individual is goingto bring their own unique
(09:12):
experiences, their own lifestory, their own own pieces that
, until you allow for thosethings to become more human and
have that heart, you're nevergoing to get a full picture of
it.
And combining sort of those twoI just think is such a
beautiful mix to, yes, have someof the information that we can
(09:34):
go off of and have some of that,but then also say I'm dealing
with this one unique person also, and how do we work together to
make you feel seen andconnected and inspired as just
wonderful?
Speaker 3 (09:49):
Yeah, I love that Buddhism is one of the few, if
not only major religion thatdoesn't have a God.
It is all about humans tryingto be better humans, and I love
how the Dalai Lama is such a fanof neuroscience and of using
(10:12):
both to influence each other,and how the field is starting to
pick up on some of theseteachings that have been around
for thousands and thousands ofyears but are now being more
closely studied in a lab throughthat Western lens.
Speaker 2 (10:31):
Got it.
Yeah, yeah, I my family makesfun of me, for, like every time
you explain what you believe inspiritually, it sounds like
you're describing the force fromStar Wars so well.
I mean, yes, so sorry thatthat's, those are the words I
use around it.
But yes, like theinterconnectedness of all things
(10:52):
and all of this stuff is what Isee in this world and anyway, I
just having that background oflearning about Buddhism and all
of those kind of things too, isdefinitely a sort of a
foundational piece for me and inthe belief and spirituality
that I have.
Speaker 1 (11:09):
So, yeah, I love your mission statement with this,
because I'm sure you've heardthis 100 times but, as you know,
during the pandemic it justfelt so insular and so lonely at
(11:29):
times.
So the fact that when you talkabout you know, not only being
seen as an individual, but it'spart of something universal,
must be so much of a relief topeople that are seeking your
services.
You know, you know I've heard alot of people just feeling, you
(11:50):
know, the sense of loss hasbeen unbelievable.
So being able to reclaim anysort of sense of self and be
able to move past that is soimportant and I'm so glad you
you bring that especially to thecommunity that you're serving.
Can you tell us about yourfirst experience and again, no
(12:10):
names, you know we're not doingcrime junkies, nothing like that
.
Could you tell us about yourfirst experience where you felt
like, yeah, I'm on the rightpath for this?
Could you?
share a little bit about thatexperience.
Speaker 3 (12:24):
Yeah, absolutely so.
One of my experiences was in acharter school in DC area and
one of the most underserveddistricts in the city, slash,
likely the country.
A lot of my individuals werehomeless or had, you know, a
(12:51):
parent that was maybe in prisonor incarcerated or a lot of
struggles, and it was the firsttime that I was able to create
an LGBTQ plus support group.
And it was the first time I wasable to apply my passions to
(13:13):
actual individuals who neededthe help and to see how much joy
they got from the simplestthings, from being able to start
the session by just playingmusic and allowing them the
opportunity to walk in.
I had fans, I had a littleprops for them for them to walk
(13:35):
into the room, say their name,have a seat Something as simple
as that gave them so much joy,because for so many other
aspects of the day in theirlives they did not feel
comfortable to walk in.
They would get in touch for whothey were.
They did not have a room ofpeople clap.
(13:56):
When they walked in insidetheir name, they oftentimes had
the opposite, and so somethingas simple as playing a song and
allowing an individual to walkinto a room can have such a
massive impact, let alone allthe skills and tools that we're
(14:16):
learning in school.
That's great, that's an addedbonus, but just allowing people
the space to be themselves, howimpactful and how powerful that
could be really inspired me that, no matter what life throws at
you, you're on the right path.
You are creating theopportunity for people to feel
(14:39):
seen.
You are allowing individualsthe chance to connect with other
people and you're trying toinspire them to become better
people.
And how simple those threethings sound and, in reality,
what it's like when you don'thave those, what it's like when
(15:00):
people don't take the time tosee you, when people don't try
and connect with you, when youdon't feel inspired.
And how many people in thisworld go through life not having
those three things met.
So you take the opportunity toat least try, and that's what I
love about all these theories isit just needs to be good enough
(15:23):
.
It doesn't need to be perfect,you don't need to, you know,
always be there every second ofthe day, and I like how
humanizing that is too.
As long as you are at leastattempting to or trying to help
instill these things intochildren, that is all they need
(15:43):
to be successful, and ideallythey get it from their parents,
but the reality is that does notalways happen, and so, as long
as I have any figure in thelives that takes the time to do
that, they turn outsignificantly better, and so
just giving the opportunity totreat others with kindness and
(16:08):
with compassion and the impactthat can have on someone's life
who has not had that in the pastis so, so powerful and so
rewarding.
Speaker 1 (16:19):
Yeah, sure.
Speaker 2 (16:21):
Oh my gosh, do you do virtual sessions?
I would just like to be in one,yes.
Speaker 3 (16:25):
Yes, we do virtual sessions.
We're starting to try and domore groups.
We're trying to kind of expandto try and meet other people's
needs as well.
Speaker 2 (16:36):
Yeah, yeah, I just I just as I said, this is so in
line with what I want to do withboth this podcast and with the
book stuff that I have out, andactually also in the consulting
working that I'm doing right nowalso.
Oh, we need more heart andhuman in this world and it's
(16:58):
just so beautiful to see otherpeople doing that and getting
inspired to do that and passingit on Right, this is, this is
how things change.
This is how hearts change andminds change and people become
the whole versions of themselvesthat they deserve to be and
deserve to be all along.
So you know, as you weretalking to, you know you were
(17:21):
talking about, is it reallyimportant to have all of these
things?
Some of what inspired me tostart some of those was a
lacking of some of that, right,so did what sort of inspired you
to go through this, you know?
So I mean I could be throughall the old podcasts and stuff,
(17:42):
but you know, as a one of sixand it's like just didn't.
Does anyone see me?
Does anyone see me here?
There's so many people and Iwas a quiet kid so in school you
know all of that kind of stuffand, yeah, there was just this.
I didn't feel like I even hadan inner voice to be able to
share out loud with anybody, andit took me many, many years to
(18:03):
find that, share that and get itout.
So I'm curious if you hadexperience sort of with that
Through your journey.
Speaker 3 (18:15):
Yes, absolutely.
I'm very lucky and fortunate tohave a supportive family been
there for me and supported meand uplifted me and, at the same
time, being individual who'sgay and being somebody who likes
(18:35):
to explore gender did notalways come easy, especially in
a conservative town in theMidwest.
Did not always feel easy, andthere was oftentimes, since
being Jewish as well, there wasoftentimes a lot of anti-Semite
(18:56):
comments and there's oftentimesa lot of homophobic comments,
and so I knew from an early agewhat it was like to be picked,
dying for things that aredifferent, and I knew I did not
want other people to feel thatway in the future, and so I knew
(19:17):
as my mission to try to makethis world a kinder and more
compassionate place to be and totry to treat others with more
kindness and compassion.
And even if I'm having a toughday or even if things are going
not as I would like to try torecognize that when talking to
(19:42):
other people and not laugh outat them and realize they are
humans too.
And even if I'm having a badday does not give me the right
to talk down to somebody else orto treat them poorly.
And so, even if I'm frustratedand if I'm been on hold for
hours trying to deal withcustomer service and I'm so
annoyed person on the side ofthat line and to try to treat
(20:06):
them with more kindness and justthroughout my day, try to smile
at people or try to do littleacts of kindness, give little
acts of joy, because I knowfirsthand what it's like when
you are having a tough day andsomebody goes out of their way
to do even the simple thingslike that or just ask how are
you and just make care.
(20:27):
So the more opportunities youhave to spread kindness, the
better the world is.
I feel Couldn't agree more.
Speaker 1 (20:38):
That's perfect.
Yep, yep.
It's funny when I hear you talk.
I hear about people basicallytaking up the space that they
are entitled to, that theydeserve right, and Eileen and I
talk about how we're introverts.
I think I'm more introvertedthan she is because I hear
(20:59):
Eileen you know she talks about.
She was a family of six andshe's like me, me, me and I was
in a family of two and by thetime I got to adulthood, I'm
like you just go over there,like I'm fine, you don't need to
look at me, I'm fine, I'm fine.
And now I'm, you know, I lookat it.
I think to myself I don't knowwhere the balance is in terms of
space.
(21:20):
How do you help people findtheir space and being able to
either expand their space no, Iguess there is no either.
It is really like expandingtheir space right, and
especially if people are, youknow, are also introverted and
(21:40):
nervous about saying like thisis who I am and I deserve this.
Speaker 3 (21:47):
I think it's a great question and I don't know if
it's necessarily a right orwrong way of kind of going about
it, but I found that helpingindividuals first realize they
are worthy, they deserve space,because a lot of times they're
(22:08):
not asking for it because theydon't feel that they can have it
.
So why would I ask for space?
I don't deserve space.
So helping them realize you do,you are, value, your opinions
matter.
I'm curious to know more aboutit.
Allowing them that opportunityto have space, allowing them
(22:32):
that opportunity to see whatit's like to have it, and then
allowing them the opportunitiesto try and grow through
curiosity, through questions,through compassion, through
allowing them that space andalso allowing them the
opportunity to say no.
So when I did the confidencewalks with those kids in the
(22:57):
LGBTQ group, there's a lot ofpeople who were really shy, and
so the extroverts loved it.
They had an opportunity, theygot attention, they could spend
20 to 30 seconds walking aroundthe room having a great time,
and some of the introverts werea little bit more shy and so
every day they'd be given theopportunity to, the same
(23:19):
opportunity as everybody else,and sometimes they would say,
just kind of, walk in quietlyand sit down and say their names
, and sometimes they would takea little bit longer, a little
bit more space, but just givingthem equal opportunities and
assuring them you are worthy,you are deserving of having this
space and, ultimately, it isokay if you take up a little bit
(23:45):
and it's okay if you take upless, as long as that decision
is coming from what you want andwhat is important to you.
Speaker 1 (23:55):
It's a great answer, thank you.
You talked about Eastern andWestern cultures.
Have you traveled?
Is part of your.
Do you go?
I guess?
Do you provide the serviceinternationally?
I guess is what I'm asking.
Speaker 3 (24:11):
So I, right now, am doing virtual sessions wherever
you know the websites.
Live the websites booking, youknow, book a session wherever
you're at, Okay.
But I have also been veryfortunate to travel, and so one
of the places when I was anundergrad I had the opportunity
(24:31):
to study at the University ofSydney and to see firsthand what
it's like to study, to live, tobe immersed in a culture that
is completely different from theone in which I was raised in,
and to have the opportunity tostudy with professors and to
(24:56):
have that way of thinkinginstilled in my way of thinking
really helped to create a moreglobal perspective of what are
the actual issues.
how are they different?
How are we similar?
We have a lot in common, butwhat are those differences and
(25:20):
what is the importance of thosedifferences?
And really looking at those andtrying to find ways to
celebrate them.
Speaker 1 (25:31):
It's awesome it is.
I'm glad you had thatexperience.
That's very cool, especiallyundergrad, my goodness.
Yeah, it's great.
Speaker 2 (25:40):
No, I feel like we get lost sometimes in the like.
We can either only talk aboutthe similarities or we only talk
about the differences.
Right, and there's a lot oflike De and I effort
specifically related that it'slike oh well, we talk here's.
We have to be both right, wehave to talk about both things.
Both can be true, we can bothbe different and the same, and
(26:03):
that is what makes it so special, right.
Speaker 3 (26:07):
That's why I love that idea of Yin and Yang,
because it just visually gets atand simplifies that idea that
there is both.
There is both pain and there isjoy.
There is both sadness andhappiness.
There is both.
You know strengths andweaknesses.
Whatever the difference is,there's always gonna be a little
(26:31):
bit of both.
And so, even days when I'mfearing, really, really down or
really really low, recognizingthere is still part of me that
feels joy.
Speaker 2 (26:42):
Mm-hmm, definitely We'll take a second.
It's okay, you're good.
Speaker 3 (26:51):
Although I realize it's audio omelette.
Speaker 2 (26:54):
Totally good.
Yeah, no, you're fine.
I think it's better that sothat works.
Yeah, no, I think the yin andyang is so incredibly important
in every area of our life, right?
I mean it can be balance ofwork and life and there's so
much of that that when we reallytake the time to think about it
(27:15):
, it can make our life better.
When we really understand thatwith one there is no other,
right?
Yeah, so okay, so let's saywe're new clients and we come in
and we're like interested inyour services.
What are the first things yousort of start to tap into or
(27:36):
look at or you know, what arequestions that you start asking
to really understand where thisperson is and what are their
needs?
Speaker 3 (27:43):
sort of are yeah, I mean, I think it really depends
on the individual, but ingeneral, trying to get a sense
of why are they coming to me,what do they want, what are
their goals, what is somethingthat is important to them, and
then how do we get there?
(28:04):
So, kind of exploring a littlebit about their past because
their past informs who they areand it's important to have an
idea of where you've been andkind of who you are but really
helping them to focus on thosethree things.
Helping them focus on becomingmore authentic.
(28:25):
So what is their true self?
What does it mean to beauthentic?
You can be happy, you can besad.
There's all these differentsides of you, but really looking
at it through a lens ofintersectionality, so you are
all of these different things.
You are both female, mother,whatever the scientist like.
(28:47):
You have all these differenttraits.
How do they all come togetherto create the person?
Then, looking at mindfulness,so how do we be more present?
Oftentimes, people, when theyoverly focus on the past or
mistake, they may feel moredepressed.
(29:07):
And if they're overly focusedon the future or some deadline
that may or may not come, theymay get more anxious.
And helping them to kind ofslow down and just focus on the
present moment and learn to bethere.
And we do a lot of breathingtechniques to help them feel
(29:28):
more grounded, to help themrecognize thinking of that yin
and yang in terms of the body.
So our body has its owninternal sense of balance.
From a neurologic perspective,we have two main ways of
functioning.
The first is rest, digest,relaxation.
(29:50):
The second is fight, flight,freeze, flight, fight.
And so recognizing what ishappening in our body when we
start to get anxious, what doesit look like?
Oftentimes we freeze, thinkingabout it like a deer.
So a deer sees somethinghorrifying, it freezes Deer in a
(30:11):
head.
We do the same thing.
We may be emotionally freeze,or our mind goes blank or
muscles get tense, then theyfling.
So we do the same thing.
We might avoid the topic, wemight run away from the thing
that's scaring us, and thenfighting so we might become more
aggressive.
So recognizing that thesebehaviors are universal for all
(30:35):
humans and most animals and arehappening at a physiological
level, as well as the cure, soto say, of being calmer, more
relaxed, more centered, and soteaching people that in the
present moment, through thingslike breathing exercises or
other mindfulness techniques, tobe more present, to be more
(30:58):
grounded.
And the third area that we liketo explore a lot is around
compassion, and there's been alot of research on overall sense
of happiness and traditionallyit was through the lens of self
esteem.
I feel good about myselfbecause I am better than average
(31:20):
.
Now, that is wonderful ifyou're above average.
However, by definition, onlyhalf the people can be above
average.
Right, they're setting up halfof the population to just feel
bad about themselves.
And self compassion is different.
(31:41):
Self compassion recognizes ourshared common humanity.
It recognizes mindfulness ofbeing in the present moment
without judgment, and itrecognizes kind of that inner
strength.
And oftentimes we can be reallycompassionate to others.
(32:01):
You have a child, or you know achild, and they are hurting.
You are likely going to want tocomfort them, unless you're a
monster.
But most people are, given thebetter for the doubt, see a
child in pain and want to try toease that suffering.
(32:22):
And yet when we have our ownsuffering, we don't always do
that.
We talk down to ourselves.
We say, oh my God, you're theworst person ever because you
failed this math test orwhatever it is.
We're so critical.
And so the research has shownthat compassion is a stronger
(32:46):
indicator of overall happinessthan almost anything and,
compared to self esteem,significantly better at boosting
that overall sense of happiness.
And it's a tool and a skill thatwe can learn and that we can
practice and we can get betterat each day.
(33:07):
So teaching individuals who maynot have these things, that's
okay.
We'll start from whereveryou're at and then we'll just
work each day at learning how toincrease that, because
oftentimes all three areconnected.
The more that I can just bemyself, the more I'm comfortable
(33:28):
being in the present moment,the more that I can be kind to
myself, the more I can becomfortable being myself, and so
all of these things are kind ofinterrelated.
So it doesn't really matternecessarily where you start
doing the work, but as long asyou're doing that work, you
start seeing more and morebenefits and so, depending on
(33:54):
where the individual is at, kindof helping them see where are
you, where would you like to goand how can we get there.
And how can we get there usingall these tools at a disposal to
help you feel more confident,happier and just have better
(34:14):
overall sense of joy in life.
Speaker 2 (34:19):
Again, I mean yeah.
Speaker 1 (34:21):
I need to sign up.
Speaker 2 (34:24):
No, I love it.
I just I've been doing I mean,as our listeners know and are
sick of hearing, I have done somuch of my own internal work and
things like that and therapyand stuff, and I'm actually I
just started occupationaltherapy, which has been
fascinating, and they have anMNRI approach, right.
So the home neural network.
(34:45):
And yeah, I was, I wasdiagnosed with PTSD and so they
actually the other day went in.
She was like, oh yeah, yourvagus nerve is just like go and
drill, dysfunctional basically.
But yeah, like hitting that whenyou're in that fight or flight
constantly.
That has been something I'mtrying to relearn what normal or
(35:09):
what the rest and digest evenfeels like at this point, right,
and to then be aware of whenthe fight or flight then kicks
in.
So for me, I'm like unlearningsome different things right now
because I've just been in thissort of steady state of fight or
flight.
But yeah, it's, it's, it's beenquite a process.
(35:31):
I'm like, okay, I can.
I think doing some of themindfulness things are it's
going to be incredibly helpfultoo.
Do you have a breathingtechnique you might want to
share with us?
Speaker 3 (35:40):
Yeah.
So I have a few that I reallylike.
One that I really like is kindof think about any situation,
whether you're happy, whetheryou're sad, whatever the emotion
is.
Think of whatever that emotionis Now.
Think about how intensely areyou feeling it, and a scale from
(36:03):
one to 10.
So I'm extremely angry, I'mextremely happy, kind of in the
middle, whatever it is, and thenallow yourself that many deep
breaths to just feel thatemotion.
So I am looking at flowersright now and they make me smile
(36:24):
like a six.
I see the reflection of my lifejust makes me feel happy and
I'm going to say roughly six.
I'm going to allow myself sixdeep breaths to just feel that
joy and listeners at home,whatever the emotion is, all
emotions are valid.
(36:44):
So if you're having a reallytough day and you're feeling
angry and it's an eight, that'sokay to allow yourself that many
deep breaths.
And so inhale One, two, three,old one, two, three.
(37:06):
Exhale One, two, three andrepeat.
Inhale one, two, three, old one, two, three.
Exhale one, two, three and justgo at your own pace, repeat as
(37:31):
many times as necessary.
But I like this, this one thatwe did, the one, two, three.
Hold.
One, two, three, release iscalled triangle breathing.
The pause is really helpful tohelp encourage us to really slow
(37:54):
down and really take advantageof it.
There's also box breathing, soinhale pause, exhale, pause.
And there's just deep breathing, so just inhale one, two, three
, four, exhale one, two, three,four.
Each one of those three may beslightly different for each
(38:20):
individual, so I encourage youto try them to see which one do
you like.
Some people really lovetriangle breathing, some people
love box breathing, some peoplelike deep breathing, some people
hate all breathing.
Everybody's just a little bitdifferent and so there's no one
(38:40):
size fits all, and that's okay.
And so I like this because it'sbeen really helpful in
recognizing where I'm at in themoment and specifically having a
lot of science back to back andneeding to regroup in between
and to recognize.
(39:01):
Right now I had a client who ismaybe suicidal or had child
abuse or some type of trauma,and I'm sad, or I'm disappointed
, I'm angry, I'm feeling sometype of negative emotion.
Allow myself that brief momentto just feel that.
(39:21):
And again we're only doing 10deep breaths, so you can really
do this exercise anytime,anywhere, and it allows you that
opportunity to feel that, andespecially if you're doing it
for all emotions, so not justwhen you're feeling sad, but
(39:42):
also when you're feeling happy.
A lot of the research inpositive psychology looks at
ideas like savoring.
So how do we take somethingthat brings us joy and fill
along it?
So if I really like drinking acup of coffee, instead of having
my cup of coffee in the morningand 30 seconds and being done
(40:02):
with it, having one sip at atime and really enjoying the
flavors, the notes, thedifferent senses of it, and
taking that one cup of coffeeand having it become a five
minute experience of joy, orhowever long it's going to be
and so taking the things in ourlives that are already going
(40:22):
well and just appreciating thema little bit, slowing down to
enjoy that, because it's alwaysgoing to be both back to that
idea of being a Yang there'salways going to be the things in
life that we like and thethings in life that are
challenging.
So taking the time to recognizeboth and especially the things
(40:43):
that bring us joy, can be really, really helpful.
Speaker 2 (40:47):
For sure, and I think I mean Cheryl and I've talked
about this before with stuffwhere sometimes it's like having
worked in IT and things before,it's like I'm really good at
calling out the things thatdon't work versus the wins that
I've had, and so, you know, justbeing able to sit in those,
those moments and reallyappreciate that.
One of the things that I'mcurious if you have any
(41:10):
resources for for folks has, atleast I, struggled with this.
I my vocabulary for emotions,feelings, was very, very low
when I first started intotherapy and different things
like that.
You know I'm frustrated.
What does that mean?
What, what, what is the emotionand they're feeling that you're
(41:30):
having in this?
So I'm curious if you haveanything that you recommend for
people who might still be sortof starting on their journey of
what even having an emotion isand how to name.
That is just something thatpeople can kind of look at and
see, because I can sit in themoment and be like, well, I'm
feeling, my body feels this.
(41:51):
I don't know what it is yet.
Speaker 3 (41:54):
And that's okay.
And so one tool that can behelpful is called the emotions.
We all and people can justGoogle it and it comes up with a
bunch of different images.
Find the one that works bestfor you.
But it's a really good way oftaking these emotions and making
(42:17):
them more complex, and so whenworking with children, the
emotion wheel may be a littlebit more simple.
When working with adults,there's a little bit more
complexity in the emotion.
So really taking the time tokind of find the one that works
for you and then using it andjust like any new skill, the
more in which you practice it,the easier it becomes and so
(42:41):
taking the time to find one andthen using it each day and
saying how am I really feelingright now?
And giving yourselves periodicand somewhat random check ins of
throughout the day, sometime inthe morning, sometime in the
evening, afternoon, whatever isgoing to be manageable for each
(43:05):
individual and realistic, butjust doing a check in how am I
feeling and how am I feeling interms of these things?
How am I feeling physically, asmy body exhausted?
Where am I feeling thatexhaustion in my body?
How am I feeling emotionally?
How am I feeling spiritually?
(43:27):
And just checking in withourselves, because a lot of
times we're on autopilot, we'renot really aware of what's
happening, and if we're notreally aware of what's happening
, we don't really know what todo next.
So taking the time to justcheck in with ourselves and
seeing how we're feeling can bereally helpful.
(43:50):
Another thing I love is thebody scan, and again, this is
something that can be easilyGoogled or YouTube.
There's many different versionsof it, but it essentially looks
at starting at your toes andscanning each part of your body
to realize which part is fearinga sense of stress or tension
(44:16):
and, when possible, trying tocalm it and relax it.
And so, of note, someindividuals may have difficulty
with this.
If they have some type ofphysical limitation, that is
okay.
Some people may not be able tofeel a part of their body, and
so don't feel shame around that,but for other individuals this
(44:38):
can be a really helpful tool torecognize.
I didn't even realize my jaw wascleansed.
I didn't even realize that myneck was hunched over like a
croissant, because I'm lookingat my phone all day and now I
recognize that, and so now I cankind of sit back up, have maybe
better posture, take a deepbreath and relax and that, after
(45:00):
being aware that I was stressedand now I'm relaxed, can be
really powerful because it showsthe individual that you can
have more control over youremotions and over your feelings.
And it's also easy exercise tobe done pretty much most places
(45:20):
you can take it, whether at yourdesk or wherever you are kind
of just taking a brief moment tokind of just notice where your
body's at now Through that lensof mindfulness.
So we're not trying to changeit, we're not judging it, we're
not saying, oh my God, I'm amonster because I have tension
in my neck.
I'm just recognizing oh, my neckis tense right now.
(45:43):
What happens if I do this?
Okay, now it's a bit morerelaxed or maybe it's more tense
, but just recognizing thatconnection between your mind and
your body can be really reallypowerful and really helpful.
Speaker 2 (45:59):
Oh, I'm just so glad that the positive psychology
stuff is passed, or whatever wewant to call it.
But right, it's just, it's theagain, the yin and yang of
allowing for all, for all ofthese things.
That is not shameful to fear,feel anger, not shameful to feel
sad.
It's not shameful to feel joy.
(46:20):
Right, like all of these piecesare part of the human
experience, and to accept forand allow for that, and to even
embrace all of those moments inour lives, I just it's not.
Just, we'll think more positivearound it, it'll get better.
Speaker 3 (46:37):
No, Absolutely, and what I love is there are roughly
7 billion people on this planetand every single person has the
exact same emotionalcapabilities, no matter where
you are.
So every person feels sadness,every person feels joy, every
(46:58):
person feels shame.
Every person feels.
Whatever the emotion is.
They may feel it for differentreasons, but they ultimately
feel that emotion and so, nomatter who you are, no matter
what you're experiencing, attimes it may feel isolating.
I'm the only person who's everfelt this.
(47:19):
I'm the only person who's everfelt embarrassed for who they
are or whatever it is.
Yes you may feel that way andthat is a real belief in the
moment and, at the same time,every person on this planet has
felt this.
Every person in the past hasfelt this.
(47:40):
Every person in the future willfeel this.
Hopefully, we can feel morepositive emotions, but every
person also feels the negativeones, and so when you are
experiencing that, realize thatit's connecting you to the
deeper human experience that weall go through and allowing that
(48:01):
to be a source of strengthInstead of I'm the only person
who's felt this way.
No, in fact, we all feel thisway, and it is okay, because we
all ultimately continue to feelother things as well.
They're all temporary, so itmay feel like the shame is never
ending.
That's okay.
(48:22):
Allow it to be and allow it tofeel connected to everybody else
who's felt the similar sense ofshame or whatever it may be,
and allow that to be a source ofstrength versus a source of
isolation.
Speaker 2 (48:36):
Yeah, and that's where the connection piece comes
in right.
Once we build our bridges toeach other, we see that we're
not alone, we see we can havethese conversations like oh yeah
, I know I felt very angry aboutsomething that happened, or,
you know, for me, for becoming amom, when I was able to talk
with other mothers and feelingthe isolation and the loneliness
that comes with being a mother,you know, especially in the
(48:58):
very beginning parts of it, Iwas like, oh, it's not just me.
So having that connection, likeyou said, is such an integral
piece of that journey too.
Speaker 3 (49:09):
Absolutely To recognize kind of that sense of
twinship, that we are soconnected, we have so much in
common.
And the first time you findsomebody who is like your
metaphoric twin, who just hasthat same sense of identity, oh
my God, not only are you amother, but you're also a single
(49:31):
mother from the ex geographicregion with religious background
, and your kid also hasexcellent disability.
Oh my God, we I understand you,I know what you're going.
I don't know you but I know youand how powerful that can be.
And even when we feel like weare alone with the only person
(49:56):
who's ever felt XYZ, recognizingthat, although it may feel that
way, the reality is with thebeing 7 billion people on the
planet.
The chances are there's atleast a few other people who
have felt similar.
Allow yourself the opportunityto find them, allow yourself the
(50:17):
opportunity to connect withthem, and it can be really
powerful.
Speaker 1 (50:25):
Yeah, this is really important, especially and I've
said this in previous episodes,so bear with me I think there's
a lot of positive that's withsocial media, but there's also
that quest to be perfect, andwhat you've shared is that
humanity isn't perfect and whatyou see there isn't real.
(50:51):
Sometimes it can be reallyhelpful because people have
learned to share a lot more onsocial media versus like
everything has to be perfect andeverybody has to do the dance
and all of the things.
But that can also make peoplefeel really lonely and I love
that.
Your service and your missionis really to help people feel
(51:15):
connection, and that's whatinclusivity is all about.
It's not necessarily thatyou're exactly the same, but
there's something that you canconnect to with other people,
but I do.
I love this so much and I'm soglad that you shared your story
with us.
Let me ask you a question.
Let's say and this is one ofthose cheesy questions, so I
(51:38):
apologize, but I'm going to sayit anyway so, let's say, your
younger self came in and satdown and said I want your
services.
What advice would you havegiven them?
Speaker 3 (51:50):
Yeah, I would give him that it's okay to be
yourself.
I knew when I was younger Ihated being different.
I just got teas and pigtail andI was just like I just want to
blend in.
I just wire people treating methis way.
And now I would give myselfthat advice that your uniqueness
(52:14):
is beautiful.
Be who you are, be somebodywho's different.
Really embrace that.
Embrace those differences andcelebrate them, because that is
what makes you you.
And will every person get it?
No, and that is okay, becausethe people who do get it become
(52:37):
your chosen family and they loveyou unconditionally and will
show you what unconditional loveis, and I was lucky to have a
family that taught me that aswell.
But when you see that in theworld and you really experience
it from your friends, it can bereally, really powerful.
And a lot of people are notfortunate to have
(53:00):
unconditionally loving parents,and so when they do find friends
or coworkers or individuals inthe world who do see them, it
can be really important, it canbe really validating.
And so take the time torecognize those relationships
and to really invest your energyinto them, and invest more
(53:22):
energy into those relationshipsthan the relationships that are
draining, than the relationshipsthat are toxic and the
relationship that don't make youfeel good Because it's always
going to be both that idea ofying and yang but choosing to
spend more time building upthose relationships that build
you up.
Speaker 1 (53:40):
Thank you for that, Cheryl you're in that group.
Speaker 2 (53:46):
You know that.
All the listeners know thatYou're in my people that build
me up.
Speaker 1 (53:51):
Yes, we are.
Speaker 2 (53:52):
Yes, you are one of my people.
You are my family.
Yes, also.
So that is, I'm recognizing you.
Right now is what I'm trying todo.
Speaker 1 (53:59):
Thank you, yes.
And you know I feel the sameway about you and you know it's
been a blessing.
Our relationship has been ablessing because I think you
know we separately probablywould have had a tough time if
we didn't meet one another.
So it's been lovely, Yep, Yep,Yep.
Speaker 2 (54:20):
For sure, cheryl, be short with the heart stuff and
don't cry.
Yeah, on camera, I'm justsitting, I love you.
Speaker 1 (54:32):
All right.
Speaker 2 (54:33):
So yeah, we have one more question and then we'll
kind of close things up.
So I know we're right at thetime, so we'll kind of try to
make it quick.
But the last question we wasasked everybody is the what is
happening for you question.
Right, what is happening isabout the, the next thing that
feels, fills your heart, fillsyour soul, finds your or allows
(54:55):
your purpose to grow, and maybethat's rest.
It doesn't have to be big,right, it can be very, very
small, but it sounds like you'vegot some big plans on what
you're doing with this space,and so I would love to hear what
is happening next for Alex.
Speaker 3 (55:11):
Yeah, so I'm really excited.
Professionally, I am twocourses away from getting my New
York license.
So, after everything, with gradschool, I'm able to find
another way to get my license tobe a licensed health counselor,
(55:33):
to really have that impact inNew York and also allow myself
to be able to be a supervisor tohelp the next generation of
coaches and counselors to beable to spread more joy around
the world, and so I'm lookingforward to that.
I'm looking forward to beingable to take my company and grow
(55:55):
it, and grow it in ways thatwill allow the mission to stay
the same but hopefully be ableto reach more individuals in
need, and so I look forward tothat.
Speaker 2 (56:07):
That's amazing.
And I can only see itcontinuing to grow.
So if there's ways that we canbe supportive and helpful within
that, definitely let us knowOne.
First of all, I just want tolet listeners know the colors on
the back wall have changed now,and I'm loving it Obsessed.
Speaker 3 (56:26):
The changes with Knight as like a little subtle
reminder.
My husband is very good attechnology.
I'm more of the excitement,he's more kind of the structure
and so he's programmed itthroughout the day to kind of
change as like a gentle reminderof its nighttime start winding
down and then it gets likesofter light.
(56:49):
So this is a very pleasant wayof each day kind of having the
different themes to kind ofbring little bits of joy
throughout the day.
Speaker 2 (56:59):
Yeah, I love it.
I'm going to have to talk toyour husband and figure out how
to do that because, I want ityes.
Speaker 1 (57:06):
Yes, obsessed with the background Sparkle, dazzlin.
Yes, oh my gosh, alex, arethere any social media or
websites, or books or anythinglike that you'd like to share
with our audience?
Speaker 3 (57:21):
Yes, so my website is wwwLGBTQjoycom.
I'm the website.
It has links to all my othersocials.
Okay, the main focus is thewebsite and coming soon I will
be publishing my book, the LGTQPath to Enlightenment.
(57:45):
Yay, I have a little mock up ofthe title here.
Oh, yay.
So we are in the final stagesof kind of getting that up and
getting it ready and getting itpublished, and that will be
available on the website as wellrelatively soon.
(58:05):
So stay tuned.
If you like research or likekind of understanding all of the
stuff that we talked abouttoday and kind of want to learn
about it from a deeperperspective, I strongly
recommend you take a look at it.
Hopefully it helps inspire youto feel more joy Awesome.
Speaker 1 (58:25):
Thank you, Alex.
Speaker 3 (58:26):
Absolutely.
Speaker 1 (58:28):
On behalf of Eileen and myself, thank you for
joining us audience With thisepisode of you Only Go Once.
Have a great rest of your dayand we'll see you next episode.
Take care Bye.
Hello, hello, hello everyone, welcome back.
We are here today with mylovely co-host, eileen Grimes,
with the podcast you Only GoOnce, and today we have a
fantastic guest.
Eileen kick us off.
Speaker 2 (00:17):
Thanks, cheryl.
So today we have brought inAlex Conway.
Alex has a decade of experiencein clinical psychology, helping
people feel seen, connected andinspired to become better
versions of themselves.
He's an author, activist andfounder of LGBTQJoycom.
Alex, welcome, welcome, welcome.
(00:38):
And we have to tell everyone,because both Cheryl and I have
mentioned this now as soon as wesigned on, that Alex has this
amazing, beautiful, lit upbackground right now, with all
different colors that I mightget distracted by, but I think,
maybe I, hopefully I got my fillof it at the beginning of this.
Welcome, alex.
Speaker 3 (00:58):
Thank you, I appreciate it and thank you so
much for that kind welcome.
Speaker 2 (01:01):
So we're just so excited to have you here today,
one from your clinicalpsychology background and
experience.
I have my other company that isloved as you are.
So the whole concept is I wantkids to feel seen as the people
that they are and help parentsto help grow their kids into
those people.
(01:21):
Right, we're not trying to turnthem into anyone else.
So the scene connected, aninspired piece of it just
touches my heart completely.
Yeah, what so?
Where you're?
You're an author or what?
What have you written?
What came out?
What do you want to share withfolks and what sort of inspired
you to be here and live thisfullest self that you have today
?
Speaker 3 (01:41):
Yeah.
So I just love joy, I just lovethe idea of it, I love helping
people feel inspired to be happy.
My background is in clinicalpsychology.
I started off with my mastersand was on track to getting my
(02:03):
doctorate and about a weekbefore graduation the school
unexpectedly shut down.
So, taking that experience andat the same time my dissertation
was exploring Easternphilosophy and Western
psychology and how to combine tohelp each other thrive and so,
(02:30):
through that experience inspiredme to create this company, to
create this coaching company tohelp other people around the
world who did not have thosesame lectures and end up being
one of the greatest blessings indisguise, because had I gone
and had I finished and gotten mydoctorate, my license would
(02:52):
only be valid in the state ofNew York.
Sure that I'm able to be a coach.
I've been able to help inspirepeople in Taiwan, in Poland and
all over the world, and sohelping them to see that there's
so much more to who they arethan these preconceived notions
(03:16):
or these titles or these thingsthat we place on ourselves, and
to really help them learn to digdeep to find what makes them
happy, what inspires them.
And so my book is just all ofthe research I wrote that was
going to be my doctoraldissertation, but published in a
in a way that can hopefullyhelp others learn that
(03:40):
information.
And the information looks atwhat is the impact of being
different specifically sexualorientation on one sense of self
, and how do we use all of thesetools from both Eastern and
Western ways of thinking toinspire us and teach us the
(04:02):
tools to be happy in life?
Speaker 2 (04:06):
And wow, there's so much.
Let's just.
Can you just coach me now, justkidding.
No, that's not fair to you,because that would be that say
no, eileen, not a good idea,because my time is worth much
more than just free.
So where?
So, as you're talking aboutEastern and Western right, where
(04:27):
did you sort of start with thatlearning?
Where?
Where did that sort of comeacross your path to even know?
To integrate the two.
Speaker 3 (04:34):
Yeah, so a lot of what I was learning in school
was purely Western and I reallylike a lot of the ways of
thinking, but there needed to bemore, and especially with the
LGBTQ plus community.
It's so interesting becauseit's one of the rare incidences
(04:58):
where it fits every person fromevery culture, every age, every
background, every identity allgets lumped into one category,
and a lot of the times whenyou're looking at studies
they'll say we studied the LGBTQcommunity and therefore the
(05:18):
entire community does X, y or Z.
In reality, you look at thestudy and it was mostly done on
maybe white gay men, and socompare a black transgender
woman does not necessarily makesense, and so just having one
way of thought doesn't reallyfit the complexities of this
(05:41):
community and I really gotinspired by Buddhism.
And specifically Buddhism andthe idea of Yin and Yang, so the
idea that we have theseopposites coming together to
create something beautiful.
And in Western psych we have avery similar idea.
(06:04):
It's called object relationsand it looks at different
aspects of the individual andhow they may seem opposite or
may seem different, but cometogether.
And in Buddhism there's theidea of enlightenment, which is
where we are livingauthentically in the moment with
(06:27):
compassion, and I love howsimple that is.
It's not easy to do, but how itgives a simple framework for
what to focus our energy on andhow do we use the tools from
Western psych to get there.
So what does it mean?
Speaker 1 (06:48):
to be authentic.
Speaker 3 (06:50):
Well, in Western psych there is a model called
self psychology and it looks atwhat do you need as an
individual to develop your trueself, which is basically the
authentic self, and it says youneed to be seen for who you are,
your individuality, what makesyou different so your sexual
(07:13):
orientation, for example.
You need to feel connected toother people who have that
shared sense of difference, andyou need to feel inspired to
become a better version ofyourself.
And so I love the combinationof the two and how it takes
these complex things but reallysimplifies it in a way that can
(07:37):
be used to help almost anyperson, depending on what the
issue is.
And I love how there's justways of being kinder, ways of
being more present and ways ofbeing more ourselves.
And I found that doing theresearch and practicing what I
(07:59):
preach has been so helpful whenI face my own difficulties in
life, and my experience is beingable to help others do the same
.
Speaker 2 (08:17):
Yeah, I love the mix right?
Are you a practicing Buddhistor are you just?
Speaker 3 (08:22):
I'm just curious.
Yeah, yeah, although I do feelinspired by the teachings.
Speaker 2 (08:28):
Sure, yeah, yeah, no, I think it's fascinating, and I
mean raised Catholic,recovering Catholic, I think
that's what we call it.
So but, yeah, I was fascinatedto learn and understand these
other ways of thinking about notjust it's not just religion,
right, it's life, and it's awhole way of thinking about the
(08:48):
entire ecosystem of being inthis world.
And yeah, I just I think it'swonderful and there's so much
complexity to each one of usthat there's a part that I feel
like at least Western, some ofthe medicine practices and
things like that too.
And I think that we shouldleave out the individual piece
right, each individual is goingto bring their own unique
(09:12):
experiences, their own lifestory, their own own pieces that
, until you allow for thosethings to become more human and
have that heart, you're nevergoing to get a full picture of
it.
And combining sort of those twoI just think is such a
beautiful mix to, yes, have someof the information that we can
(09:34):
go off of and have some of that,but then also say I'm dealing
with this one unique person also, and how do we work together to
make you feel seen andconnected and inspired as just
wonderful?
Speaker 3 (09:49):
Yeah, I love that Buddhism is one of the few, if
not only major religion thatdoesn't have a God.
It is all about humans tryingto be better humans, and I love
how the Dalai Lama is such a fanof neuroscience and of using
(10:12):
both to influence each other,and how the field is starting to
pick up on some of theseteachings that have been around
for thousands and thousands ofyears but are now being more
closely studied in a lab throughthat Western lens.
Speaker 2 (10:31):
Got it.
Yeah, yeah, I my family makesfun of me, for, like every time
you explain what you believe inspiritually, it sounds like
you're describing the force fromStar Wars so well.
I mean, yes, so sorry thatthat's, those are the words I
use around it.
But yes, like theinterconnectedness of all things
(10:52):
and all of this stuff is what Isee in this world and anyway, I
just having that background oflearning about Buddhism and all
of those kind of things too, isdefinitely a sort of a
foundational piece for me and inthe belief and spirituality
that I have.
Speaker 1 (11:09):
So, yeah, I love your mission statement with this,
because I'm sure you've heardthis 100 times but, as you know,
during the pandemic it justfelt so insular and so lonely at
(11:29):
times.
So the fact that when you talkabout you know, not only being
seen as an individual, but it'spart of something universal,
must be so much of a relief topeople that are seeking your
services.
You know, you know I've heard alot of people just feeling, you
(11:50):
know, the sense of loss hasbeen unbelievable.
So being able to reclaim anysort of sense of self and be
able to move past that is soimportant and I'm so glad you
you bring that especially to thecommunity that you're serving.
Can you tell us about yourfirst experience and again, no
(12:10):
names, you know we're not doingcrime junkies, nothing like that
.
Could you tell us about yourfirst experience where you felt
like, yeah, I'm on the rightpath for this?
Could you?
share a little bit about thatexperience.
Speaker 3 (12:24):
Yeah, absolutely so.
One of my experiences was in acharter school in DC area and
one of the most underserveddistricts in the city, slash,
likely the country.
A lot of my individuals werehomeless or had, you know, a
(12:51):
parent that was maybe in prisonor incarcerated or a lot of
struggles, and it was the firsttime that I was able to create
an LGBTQ plus support group.
And it was the first time I wasable to apply my passions to
(13:13):
actual individuals who neededthe help and to see how much joy
they got from the simplestthings, from being able to start
the session by just playingmusic and allowing them the
opportunity to walk in.
I had fans, I had a littleprops for them for them to walk
(13:35):
into the room, say their name,have a seat Something as simple
as that gave them so much joy,because for so many other
aspects of the day in theirlives they did not feel
comfortable to walk in.
They would get in touch for whothey were.
They did not have a room ofpeople clap.
(13:56):
When they walked in insidetheir name, they oftentimes had
the opposite, and so somethingas simple as playing a song and
allowing an individual to walkinto a room can have such a
massive impact, let alone allthe skills and tools that we're
(14:16):
learning in school.
That's great, that's an addedbonus, but just allowing people
the space to be themselves, howimpactful and how powerful that
could be really inspired me that, no matter what life throws at
you, you're on the right path.
You are creating theopportunity for people to feel
(14:39):
seen.
You are allowing individualsthe chance to connect with other
people and you're trying toinspire them to become better
people.
And how simple those threethings sound and, in reality,
what it's like when you don'thave those, what it's like when
(15:00):
people don't take the time tosee you, when people don't try
and connect with you, when youdon't feel inspired.
And how many people in thisworld go through life not having
those three things met.
So you take the opportunity toat least try, and that's what I
love about all these theories isit just needs to be good enough
(15:23):
.
It doesn't need to be perfect,you don't need to, you know,
always be there every second ofthe day, and I like how
humanizing that is too.
As long as you are at leastattempting to or trying to help
instill these things intochildren, that is all they need
(15:43):
to be successful, and ideallythey get it from their parents,
but the reality is that does notalways happen, and so, as long
as I have any figure in thelives that takes the time to do
that, they turn outsignificantly better, and so
just giving the opportunity totreat others with kindness and
(16:08):
with compassion and the impactthat can have on someone's life
who has not had that in the pastis so, so powerful and so
rewarding.
Speaker 1 (16:19):
Yeah, sure.
Speaker 2 (16:21):
Oh my gosh, do you do virtual sessions?
I would just like to be in one,yes.
Speaker 3 (16:25):
Yes, we do virtual sessions.
We're starting to try and domore groups.
We're trying to kind of expandto try and meet other people's
needs as well.
Speaker 2 (16:36):
Yeah, yeah, I just I just as I said, this is so in
line with what I want to do withboth this podcast and with the
book stuff that I have out, andactually also in the consulting
working that I'm doing right nowalso.
Oh, we need more heart andhuman in this world and it's
(16:58):
just so beautiful to see otherpeople doing that and getting
inspired to do that and passingit on Right, this is, this is
how things change.
This is how hearts change andminds change and people become
the whole versions of themselvesthat they deserve to be and
deserve to be all along.
So you know, as you weretalking to, you know you were
(17:21):
talking about, is it reallyimportant to have all of these
things?
Some of what inspired me tostart some of those was a
lacking of some of that, right,so did what sort of inspired you
to go through this, you know?
So I mean I could be throughall the old podcasts and stuff,
(17:42):
but you know, as a one of sixand it's like just didn't.
Does anyone see me?
Does anyone see me here?
There's so many people and Iwas a quiet kid so in school you
know all of that kind of stuffand, yeah, there was just this.
I didn't feel like I even hadan inner voice to be able to
share out loud with anybody, andit took me many, many years to
(18:03):
find that, share that and get itout.
So I'm curious if you hadexperience sort of with that
Through your journey.
Speaker 3 (18:15):
Yes, absolutely.
I'm very lucky and fortunate tohave a supportive family been
there for me and supported meand uplifted me and, at the same
time, being individual who'sgay and being somebody who likes
(18:35):
to explore gender did notalways come easy, especially in
a conservative town in theMidwest.
Did not always feel easy, andthere was oftentimes, since
being Jewish as well, there wasoftentimes a lot of anti-Semite
(18:56):
comments and there's oftentimesa lot of homophobic comments,
and so I knew from an early agewhat it was like to be picked,
dying for things that aredifferent, and I knew I did not
want other people to feel thatway in the future, and so I knew
(19:17):
as my mission to try to makethis world a kinder and more
compassionate place to be and totry to treat others with more
kindness and compassion.
And even if I'm having a toughday or even if things are going
not as I would like to try torecognize that when talking to
(19:42):
other people and not laugh outat them and realize they are
humans too.
And even if I'm having a badday does not give me the right
to talk down to somebody else orto treat them poorly.
And so, even if I'm frustratedand if I'm been on hold for
hours trying to deal withcustomer service and I'm so
annoyed person on the side ofthat line and to try to treat
(20:06):
them with more kindness and justthroughout my day, try to smile
at people or try to do littleacts of kindness, give little
acts of joy, because I knowfirsthand what it's like when
you are having a tough day andsomebody goes out of their way
to do even the simple thingslike that or just ask how are
you and just make care.
(20:27):
So the more opportunities youhave to spread kindness, the
better the world is.
I feel Couldn't agree more.
Speaker 1 (20:38):
That's perfect.
Yep, yep.
It's funny when I hear you talk.
I hear about people basicallytaking up the space that they
are entitled to, that theydeserve right, and Eileen and I
talk about how we're introverts.
I think I'm more introvertedthan she is because I hear
(20:59):
Eileen you know she talks about.
She was a family of six andshe's like me, me, me and I was
in a family of two and by thetime I got to adulthood, I'm
like you just go over there,like I'm fine, you don't need to
look at me, I'm fine, I'm fine.
And now I'm, you know, I lookat it.
I think to myself I don't knowwhere the balance is in terms of
space.
(21:20):
How do you help people findtheir space and being able to
either expand their space no, Iguess there is no either.
It is really like expandingtheir space right, and
especially if people are, youknow, are also introverted and
(21:40):
nervous about saying like thisis who I am and I deserve this.
Speaker 3 (21:47):
I think it's a great question and I don't know if
it's necessarily a right orwrong way of kind of going about
it, but I found that helpingindividuals first realize they
are worthy, they deserve space,because a lot of times they're
(22:08):
not asking for it because theydon't feel that they can have it
.
So why would I ask for space?
I don't deserve space.
So helping them realize you do,you are, value, your opinions
matter.
I'm curious to know more aboutit.
Allowing them that opportunityto have space, allowing them
(22:32):
that opportunity to see whatit's like to have it, and then
allowing them the opportunitiesto try and grow through
curiosity, through questions,through compassion, through
allowing them that space andalso allowing them the
opportunity to say no.
So when I did the confidencewalks with those kids in the
(22:57):
LGBTQ group, there's a lot ofpeople who were really shy, and
so the extroverts loved it.
They had an opportunity, theygot attention, they could spend
20 to 30 seconds walking aroundthe room having a great time,
and some of the introverts werea little bit more shy and so
every day they'd be given theopportunity to, the same
(23:19):
opportunity as everybody else,and sometimes they would say,
just kind of, walk in quietlyand sit down and say their names
, and sometimes they would takea little bit longer, a little
bit more space, but just givingthem equal opportunities and
assuring them you are worthy,you are deserving of having this
space and, ultimately, it isokay if you take up a little bit
(23:45):
and it's okay if you take upless, as long as that decision
is coming from what you want andwhat is important to you.
Speaker 1 (23:55):
It's a great answer, thank you.
You talked about Eastern andWestern cultures.
Have you traveled?
Is part of your.
Do you go?
I guess?
Do you provide the serviceinternationally?
I guess is what I'm asking.
Speaker 3 (24:11):
So I, right now, am doing virtual sessions wherever
you know the websites.
Live the websites booking, youknow, book a session wherever
you're at, Okay.
But I have also been veryfortunate to travel, and so one
of the places when I was anundergrad I had the opportunity
(24:31):
to study at the University ofSydney and to see firsthand what
it's like to study, to live, tobe immersed in a culture that
is completely different from theone in which I was raised in,
and to have the opportunity tostudy with professors and to
(24:56):
have that way of thinkinginstilled in my way of thinking
really helped to create a moreglobal perspective of what are
the actual issues.
how are they different?
How are we similar?
We have a lot in common, butwhat are those differences and
(25:20):
what is the importance of thosedifferences?
And really looking at those andtrying to find ways to
celebrate them.
Speaker 1 (25:31):
It's awesome it is.
I'm glad you had thatexperience.
That's very cool, especiallyundergrad, my goodness.
Yeah, it's great.
Speaker 2 (25:40):
No, I feel like we get lost sometimes in the like.
We can either only talk aboutthe similarities or we only talk
about the differences.
Right, and there's a lot oflike De and I effort
specifically related that it'slike oh well, we talk here's.
We have to be both right, wehave to talk about both things.
Both can be true, we can bothbe different and the same, and
(26:03):
that is what makes it so special, right.
Speaker 3 (26:07):
That's why I love that idea of Yin and Yang,
because it just visually gets atand simplifies that idea that
there is both.
There is both pain and there isjoy.
There is both sadness andhappiness.
There is both.
You know strengths andweaknesses.
Whatever the difference is,there's always gonna be a little
(26:31):
bit of both.
And so, even days when I'mfearing, really, really down or
really really low, recognizingthere is still part of me that
feels joy.
Speaker 2 (26:42):
Mm-hmm, definitely We'll take a second.
It's okay, you're good.
Speaker 3 (26:51):
Although I realize it's audio omelette.
Speaker 2 (26:54):
Totally good.
Yeah, no, you're fine.
I think it's better that sothat works.
Yeah, no, I think the yin andyang is so incredibly important
in every area of our life, right?
I mean it can be balance ofwork and life and there's so
much of that that when we reallytake the time to think about it
(27:15):
, it can make our life better.
When we really understand thatwith one there is no other,
right?
Yeah, so okay, so let's saywe're new clients and we come in
and we're like interested inyour services.
What are the first things yousort of start to tap into or
(27:36):
look at or you know, what arequestions that you start asking
to really understand where thisperson is and what are their
needs?
Speaker 3 (27:43):
sort of are yeah, I mean, I think it really depends
on the individual, but ingeneral, trying to get a sense
of why are they coming to me,what do they want, what are
their goals, what is somethingthat is important to them, and
then how do we get there?
(28:04):
So, kind of exploring a littlebit about their past because
their past informs who they areand it's important to have an
idea of where you've been andkind of who you are but really
helping them to focus on thosethree things.
Helping them focus on becomingmore authentic.
(28:25):
So what is their true self?
What does it mean to beauthentic?
You can be happy, you can besad.
There's all these differentsides of you, but really looking
at it through a lens ofintersectionality, so you are
all of these different things.
You are both female, mother,whatever the scientist like.
(28:47):
You have all these differenttraits.
How do they all come togetherto create the person?
Then, looking at mindfulness,so how do we be more present?
Oftentimes, people, when theyoverly focus on the past or
mistake, they may feel moredepressed.
(29:07):
And if they're overly focusedon the future or some deadline
that may or may not come, theymay get more anxious.
And helping them to kind ofslow down and just focus on the
present moment and learn to bethere.
And we do a lot of breathingtechniques to help them feel
(29:28):
more grounded, to help themrecognize thinking of that yin
and yang in terms of the body.
So our body has its owninternal sense of balance.
From a neurologic perspective,we have two main ways of
functioning.
The first is rest, digest,relaxation.
(29:50):
The second is fight, flight,freeze, flight, fight.
And so recognizing what ishappening in our body when we
start to get anxious, what doesit look like?
Oftentimes we freeze, thinkingabout it like a deer.
So a deer sees somethinghorrifying, it freezes Deer in a
(30:11):
head.
We do the same thing.
We may be emotionally freeze,or our mind goes blank or
muscles get tense, then theyfling.
So we do the same thing.
We might avoid the topic, wemight run away from the thing
that's scaring us, and thenfighting so we might become more
aggressive.
So recognizing that thesebehaviors are universal for all
(30:35):
humans and most animals and arehappening at a physiological
level, as well as the cure, soto say, of being calmer, more
relaxed, more centered, and soteaching people that in the
present moment, through thingslike breathing exercises or
other mindfulness techniques, tobe more present, to be more
(30:58):
grounded.
And the third area that we liketo explore a lot is around
compassion, and there's been alot of research on overall sense
of happiness and traditionallyit was through the lens of self
esteem.
I feel good about myselfbecause I am better than average
(31:20):
.
Now, that is wonderful ifyou're above average.
However, by definition, onlyhalf the people can be above
average.
Right, they're setting up halfof the population to just feel
bad about themselves.
And self compassion is different.
(31:41):
Self compassion recognizes ourshared common humanity.
It recognizes mindfulness ofbeing in the present moment
without judgment, and itrecognizes kind of that inner
strength.
And oftentimes we can be reallycompassionate to others.
(32:01):
You have a child, or you know achild, and they are hurting.
You are likely going to want tocomfort them, unless you're a
monster.
But most people are, given thebetter for the doubt, see a
child in pain and want to try toease that suffering.
(32:22):
And yet when we have our ownsuffering, we don't always do
that.
We talk down to ourselves.
We say, oh my God, you're theworst person ever because you
failed this math test orwhatever it is.
We're so critical.
And so the research has shownthat compassion is a stronger
(32:46):
indicator of overall happinessthan almost anything and,
compared to self esteem,significantly better at boosting
that overall sense of happiness.
And it's a tool and a skill thatwe can learn and that we can
practice and we can get betterat each day.
(33:07):
So teaching individuals who maynot have these things, that's
okay.
We'll start from whereveryou're at and then we'll just
work each day at learning how toincrease that, because
oftentimes all three areconnected.
The more that I can just bemyself, the more I'm comfortable
(33:28):
being in the present moment,the more that I can be kind to
myself, the more I can becomfortable being myself, and so
all of these things are kind ofinterrelated.
So it doesn't really matternecessarily where you start
doing the work, but as long asyou're doing that work, you
start seeing more and morebenefits and so, depending on
(33:54):
where the individual is at, kindof helping them see where are
you, where would you like to goand how can we get there.
And how can we get there usingall these tools at a disposal to
help you feel more confident,happier and just have better
(34:14):
overall sense of joy in life.
Speaker 2 (34:19):
Again, I mean yeah.
Speaker 1 (34:21):
I need to sign up.
Speaker 2 (34:24):
No, I love it.
I just I've been doing I mean,as our listeners know and are
sick of hearing, I have done somuch of my own internal work and
things like that and therapyand stuff, and I'm actually I
just started occupationaltherapy, which has been
fascinating, and they have anMNRI approach, right.
So the home neural network.
(34:45):
And yeah, I was, I wasdiagnosed with PTSD and so they
actually the other day went in.
She was like, oh yeah, yourvagus nerve is just like go and
drill, dysfunctional basically.
But yeah, like hitting that whenyou're in that fight or flight
constantly.
That has been something I'mtrying to relearn what normal or
(35:09):
what the rest and digest evenfeels like at this point, right,
and to then be aware of whenthe fight or flight then kicks
in.
So for me, I'm like unlearningsome different things right now
because I've just been in thissort of steady state of fight or
flight.
But yeah, it's, it's, it's beenquite a process.
(35:31):
I'm like, okay, I can.
I think doing some of themindfulness things are it's
going to be incredibly helpfultoo.
Do you have a breathingtechnique you might want to
share with us?
Speaker 3 (35:40):
Yeah.
So I have a few that I reallylike.
One that I really like is kindof think about any situation,
whether you're happy, whetheryou're sad, whatever the emotion
is.
Think of whatever that emotionis Now.
Think about how intensely areyou feeling it, and a scale from
(36:03):
one to 10.
So I'm extremely angry, I'mextremely happy, kind of in the
middle, whatever it is, and thenallow yourself that many deep
breaths to just feel thatemotion.
So I am looking at flowersright now and they make me smile
(36:24):
like a six.
I see the reflection of my lifejust makes me feel happy and
I'm going to say roughly six.
I'm going to allow myself sixdeep breaths to just feel that
joy and listeners at home,whatever the emotion is, all
emotions are valid.
(36:44):
So if you're having a reallytough day and you're feeling
angry and it's an eight, that'sokay to allow yourself that many
deep breaths.
And so inhale One, two, three,old one, two, three.
(37:06):
Exhale One, two, three andrepeat.
Inhale one, two, three, old one, two, three.
Exhale one, two, three and justgo at your own pace, repeat as
(37:31):
many times as necessary.
But I like this, this one thatwe did, the one, two, three.
Hold.
One, two, three, release iscalled triangle breathing.
The pause is really helpful tohelp encourage us to really slow
(37:54):
down and really take advantageof it.
There's also box breathing, soinhale pause, exhale, pause.
And there's just deep breathing, so just inhale one, two, three
, four, exhale one, two, three,four.
Each one of those three may beslightly different for each
(38:20):
individual, so I encourage youto try them to see which one do
you like.
Some people really lovetriangle breathing, some people
love box breathing, some peoplelike deep breathing, some people
hate all breathing.
Everybody's just a little bitdifferent and so there's no one
(38:40):
size fits all, and that's okay.
And so I like this because it'sbeen really helpful in
recognizing where I'm at in themoment and specifically having a
lot of science back to back andneeding to regroup in between
and to recognize.
(39:01):
Right now I had a client who ismaybe suicidal or had child
abuse or some type of trauma,and I'm sad, or I'm disappointed
, I'm angry, I'm feeling sometype of negative emotion.
Allow myself that brief momentto just feel that.
(39:21):
And again we're only doing 10deep breaths, so you can really
do this exercise anytime,anywhere, and it allows you that
opportunity to feel that, andespecially if you're doing it
for all emotions, so not justwhen you're feeling sad, but
(39:42):
also when you're feeling happy.
A lot of the research inpositive psychology looks at
ideas like savoring.
So how do we take somethingthat brings us joy and fill
along it?
So if I really like drinking acup of coffee, instead of having
my cup of coffee in the morningand 30 seconds and being done
(40:02):
with it, having one sip at atime and really enjoying the
flavors, the notes, thedifferent senses of it, and
taking that one cup of coffeeand having it become a five
minute experience of joy, orhowever long it's going to be
and so taking the things in ourlives that are already going
(40:22):
well and just appreciating thema little bit, slowing down to
enjoy that, because it's alwaysgoing to be both back to that
idea of being a Yang there'salways going to be the things in
life that we like and thethings in life that are
challenging.
So taking the time to recognizeboth and especially the things
(40:43):
that bring us joy, can be really, really helpful.
Speaker 2 (40:47):
For sure, and I think I mean Cheryl and I've talked
about this before with stuffwhere sometimes it's like having
worked in IT and things before,it's like I'm really good at
calling out the things thatdon't work versus the wins that
I've had, and so, you know, justbeing able to sit in those,
those moments and reallyappreciate that.
One of the things that I'mcurious if you have any
(41:10):
resources for for folks has, atleast I, struggled with this.
I my vocabulary for emotions,feelings, was very, very low
when I first started intotherapy and different things
like that.
You know I'm frustrated.
What does that mean?
What, what, what is the emotionand they're feeling that you're
(41:30):
having in this?
So I'm curious if you haveanything that you recommend for
people who might still be sortof starting on their journey of
what even having an emotion isand how to name.
That is just something thatpeople can kind of look at and
see, because I can sit in themoment and be like, well, I'm
feeling, my body feels this.
(41:51):
I don't know what it is yet.
Speaker 3 (41:54):
And that's okay.
And so one tool that can behelpful is called the emotions.
We all and people can justGoogle it and it comes up with a
bunch of different images.
Find the one that works bestfor you.
But it's a really good way oftaking these emotions and making
(42:17):
them more complex, and so whenworking with children, the
emotion wheel may be a littlebit more simple.
When working with adults,there's a little bit more
complexity in the emotion.
So really taking the time tokind of find the one that works
for you and then using it andjust like any new skill, the
more in which you practice it,the easier it becomes and so
(42:41):
taking the time to find one andthen using it each day and
saying how am I really feelingright now?
And giving yourselves periodicand somewhat random check ins of
throughout the day, sometime inthe morning, sometime in the
evening, afternoon, whatever isgoing to be manageable for each
(43:05):
individual and realistic, butjust doing a check in how am I
feeling and how am I feeling interms of these things?
How am I feeling physically, asmy body exhausted?
Where am I feeling thatexhaustion in my body?
How am I feeling emotionally?
How am I feeling spiritually?
(43:27):
And just checking in withourselves, because a lot of
times we're on autopilot, we'renot really aware of what's
happening, and if we're notreally aware of what's happening
, we don't really know what todo next.
So taking the time to justcheck in with ourselves and
seeing how we're feeling can bereally helpful.
(43:50):
Another thing I love is thebody scan, and again, this is
something that can be easilyGoogled or YouTube.
There's many different versionsof it, but it essentially looks
at starting at your toes andscanning each part of your body
to realize which part is fearinga sense of stress or tension
(44:16):
and, when possible, trying tocalm it and relax it.
And so, of note, someindividuals may have difficulty
with this.
If they have some type ofphysical limitation, that is
okay.
Some people may not be able tofeel a part of their body, and
so don't feel shame around that,but for other individuals this
(44:38):
can be a really helpful tool torecognize.
I didn't even realize my jaw wascleansed.
I didn't even realize that myneck was hunched over like a
croissant, because I'm lookingat my phone all day and now I
recognize that, and so now I cankind of sit back up, have maybe
better posture, take a deepbreath and relax and that, after
(45:00):
being aware that I was stressedand now I'm relaxed, can be
really powerful because it showsthe individual that you can
have more control over youremotions and over your feelings.
And it's also easy exercise tobe done pretty much most places
(45:20):
you can take it, whether at yourdesk or wherever you are kind
of just taking a brief moment tokind of just notice where your
body's at now Through that lensof mindfulness.
So we're not trying to changeit, we're not judging it, we're
not saying, oh my God, I'm amonster because I have tension
in my neck.
I'm just recognizing oh, my neckis tense right now.
(45:43):
What happens if I do this?
Okay, now it's a bit morerelaxed or maybe it's more tense
, but just recognizing thatconnection between your mind and
your body can be really reallypowerful and really helpful.
Speaker 2 (45:59):
Oh, I'm just so glad that the positive psychology
stuff is passed, or whatever wewant to call it.
But right, it's just, it's theagain, the yin and yang of
allowing for all, for all ofthese things.
That is not shameful to fear,feel anger, not shameful to feel
sad.
It's not shameful to feel joy.
(46:20):
Right, like all of these piecesare part of the human
experience, and to accept forand allow for that, and to even
embrace all of those moments inour lives, I just it's not.
Just, we'll think more positivearound it, it'll get better.
Speaker 3 (46:37):
No, Absolutely, and what I love is there are roughly
7 billion people on this planetand every single person has the
exact same emotionalcapabilities, no matter where
you are.
So every person feels sadness,every person feels joy, every
(46:58):
person feels shame.
Every person feels.
Whatever the emotion is.
They may feel it for differentreasons, but they ultimately
feel that emotion and so, nomatter who you are, no matter
what you're experiencing, attimes it may feel isolating.
I'm the only person who's everfelt this.
(47:19):
I'm the only person who's everfelt embarrassed for who they
are or whatever it is.
Yes you may feel that way andthat is a real belief in the
moment and, at the same time,every person on this planet has
felt this.
Every person in the past hasfelt this.
(47:40):
Every person in the future willfeel this.
Hopefully, we can feel morepositive emotions, but every
person also feels the negativeones, and so when you are
experiencing that, realize thatit's connecting you to the
deeper human experience that weall go through and allowing that
(48:01):
to be a source of strengthInstead of I'm the only person
who's felt this way.
No, in fact, we all feel thisway, and it is okay, because we
all ultimately continue to feelother things as well.
They're all temporary, so itmay feel like the shame is never
ending.
That's okay.
(48:22):
Allow it to be and allow it tofeel connected to everybody else
who's felt the similar sense ofshame or whatever it may be,
and allow that to be a source ofstrength versus a source of
isolation.
Speaker 2 (48:36):
Yeah, and that's where the connection piece comes
in right.
Once we build our bridges toeach other, we see that we're
not alone, we see we can havethese conversations like oh yeah
, I know I felt very angry aboutsomething that happened, or,
you know, for me, for becoming amom, when I was able to talk
with other mothers and feelingthe isolation and the loneliness
that comes with being a mother,you know, especially in the
(48:58):
very beginning parts of it, Iwas like, oh, it's not just me.
So having that connection, likeyou said, is such an integral
piece of that journey too.
Speaker 3 (49:09):
Absolutely To recognize kind of that sense of
twinship, that we are soconnected, we have so much in
common.
And the first time you findsomebody who is like your
metaphoric twin, who just hasthat same sense of identity, oh
my God, not only are you amother, but you're also a single
(49:31):
mother from the ex geographicregion with religious background
, and your kid also hasexcellent disability.
Oh my God, we I understand you,I know what you're going.
I don't know you but I know youand how powerful that can be.
And even when we feel like weare alone with the only person
(49:56):
who's ever felt XYZ, recognizingthat, although it may feel that
way, the reality is with thebeing 7 billion people on the
planet.
The chances are there's atleast a few other people who
have felt similar.
Allow yourself the opportunityto find them, allow yourself the
(50:17):
opportunity to connect withthem, and it can be really
powerful.
Speaker 1 (50:25):
Yeah, this is really important, especially and I've
said this in previous episodes,so bear with me I think there's
a lot of positive that's withsocial media, but there's also
that quest to be perfect, andwhat you've shared is that
humanity isn't perfect and whatyou see there isn't real.
(50:51):
Sometimes it can be reallyhelpful because people have
learned to share a lot more onsocial media versus like
everything has to be perfect andeverybody has to do the dance
and all of the things.
But that can also make peoplefeel really lonely and I love
that.
Your service and your missionis really to help people feel
(51:15):
connection, and that's whatinclusivity is all about.
It's not necessarily thatyou're exactly the same, but
there's something that you canconnect to with other people,
but I do.
I love this so much and I'm soglad that you shared your story
with us.
Let me ask you a question.
Let's say and this is one ofthose cheesy questions, so I
(51:38):
apologize, but I'm going to sayit anyway so, let's say, your
younger self came in and satdown and said I want your
services.
What advice would you havegiven them?
Speaker 3 (51:50):
Yeah, I would give him that it's okay to be
yourself.
I knew when I was younger Ihated being different.
I just got teas and pigtail andI was just like I just want to
blend in.
I just wire people treating methis way.
And now I would give myselfthat advice that your uniqueness
(52:14):
is beautiful.
Be who you are, be somebodywho's different.
Really embrace that.
Embrace those differences andcelebrate them, because that is
what makes you you.
And will every person get it?
No, and that is okay, becausethe people who do get it become
(52:37):
your chosen family and they loveyou unconditionally and will
show you what unconditional loveis, and I was lucky to have a
family that taught me that aswell.
But when you see that in theworld and you really experience
it from your friends, it can bereally, really powerful.
And a lot of people are notfortunate to have
(53:00):
unconditionally loving parents,and so when they do find friends
or coworkers or individuals inthe world who do see them, it
can be really important, it canbe really validating.
And so take the time torecognize those relationships
and to really invest your energyinto them, and invest more
(53:22):
energy into those relationshipsthan the relationships that are
draining, than the relationshipsthat are toxic and the
relationship that don't make youfeel good Because it's always
going to be both that idea ofying and yang but choosing to
spend more time building upthose relationships that build
you up.
Speaker 1 (53:40):
Thank you for that, Cheryl you're in that group.
Speaker 2 (53:46):
You know that.
All the listeners know thatYou're in my people that build
me up.
Speaker 1 (53:51):
Yes, we are.
Speaker 2 (53:52):
Yes, you are one of my people.
You are my family.
Yes, also.
So that is, I'm recognizing you.
Right now is what I'm trying todo.
Speaker 1 (53:59):
Thank you, yes.
And you know I feel the sameway about you and you know it's
been a blessing.
Our relationship has been ablessing because I think you
know we separately probablywould have had a tough time if
we didn't meet one another.
So it's been lovely, Yep, Yep,Yep.
Speaker 2 (54:20):
For sure, cheryl, be short with the heart stuff and
don't cry.
Yeah, on camera, I'm justsitting, I love you.
Speaker 1 (54:32):
All right.
Speaker 2 (54:33):
So yeah, we have one more question and then we'll
kind of close things up.
So I know we're right at thetime, so we'll kind of try to
make it quick.
But the last question we wasasked everybody is the what is
happening for you question.
Right, what is happening isabout the, the next thing that
feels, fills your heart, fillsyour soul, finds your or allows
(54:55):
your purpose to grow, and maybethat's rest.
It doesn't have to be big,right, it can be very, very
small, but it sounds like you'vegot some big plans on what
you're doing with this space,and so I would love to hear what
is happening next for Alex.
Speaker 3 (55:11):
Yeah, so I'm really excited.
Professionally, I am twocourses away from getting my New
York license.
So, after everything, with gradschool, I'm able to find
another way to get my license tobe a licensed health counselor,
(55:33):
to really have that impact inNew York and also allow myself
to be able to be a supervisor tohelp the next generation of
coaches and counselors to beable to spread more joy around
the world, and so I'm lookingforward to that.
I'm looking forward to beingable to take my company and grow
(55:55):
it, and grow it in ways thatwill allow the mission to stay
the same but hopefully be ableto reach more individuals in
need, and so I look forward tothat.
Speaker 2 (56:07):
That's amazing.
And I can only see itcontinuing to grow.
So if there's ways that we canbe supportive and helpful within
that, definitely let us knowOne.
First of all, I just want tolet listeners know the colors on
the back wall have changed now,and I'm loving it Obsessed.
Speaker 3 (56:26):
The changes with Knight as like a little subtle
reminder.
My husband is very good attechnology.
I'm more of the excitement,he's more kind of the structure
and so he's programmed itthroughout the day to kind of
change as like a gentle reminderof its nighttime start winding
down and then it gets likesofter light.
(56:49):
So this is a very pleasant wayof each day kind of having the
different themes to kind ofbring little bits of joy
throughout the day.
Speaker 2 (56:59):
Yeah, I love it.
I'm going to have to talk toyour husband and figure out how
to do that because, I want ityes.
Speaker 1 (57:06):
Yes, obsessed with the background Sparkle, dazzlin.
Yes, oh my gosh, alex, arethere any social media or
websites, or books or anythinglike that you'd like to share
with our audience?
Speaker 3 (57:21):
Yes, so my website is wwwLGBTQjoycom.
I'm the website.
It has links to all my othersocials.
Okay, the main focus is thewebsite and coming soon I will
be publishing my book, the LGTQPath to Enlightenment.
(57:45):
Yay, I have a little mock up ofthe title here.
Oh, yay.
So we are in the final stagesof kind of getting that up and
getting it ready and getting itpublished, and that will be
available on the website as wellrelatively soon.
(58:05):
So stay tuned.
If you like research or likekind of understanding all of the
stuff that we talked abouttoday and kind of want to learn
about it from a deeperperspective, I strongly
recommend you take a look at it.
Hopefully it helps inspire youto feel more joy Awesome.
Speaker 1 (58:25):
Thank you, Alex.
Speaker 3 (58:26):
Absolutely.
Speaker 1 (58:28):
On behalf of Eileen and myself, thank you for
joining us audience With thisepisode of you Only Go Once.
Have a great rest of your dayand we'll see you next episode.
Take care Bye.
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