May 8, 2025 • 27 mins
Discovering how to truly love ourselves can feel like searching for a hidden treasure without a map. Dr. BethAnne Kapansky-Wright tackles this challenge head-on, offering practical guidance for cultivating self-love in this heart-opening episode inspired by Mother's Day.
What happens when we haven't had loving role models? How do we learn to speak kindly to ourselves when criticism has been our primary language? Dr. BethAnne reassures us that our hearts innately know how to love - this wisdom resides within each of us, waiting to be rediscovered. The journey toward self-love isn't about achieving a perfect state but developing an ongoing relationship with ourselves that evolves as we grow.
Key talking points include:
• Self-love isn't a one-time achievement but an ongoing process as we evolve and face new challenges
• Our hearts innately know how to love, even when life experiences block this natural capacity
• Reframing self-love as developing inner warmth, compassion, and acceptance makes the concept more accessible
• Color visualization exercise: identify what color represents compassion to you and imagine it swirling through your heart
• Drawing on loving archetypes like a fairy godmother or oracle can help develop our inner supportive voice
• Nature serves as a powerful teacher of acceptance and compassion that we can internalize
• Setting a clear intention to learn self-love will draw the right resources and support into your life
Whether you're just beginning your self-love journey or deepening an established practice, this episode offers both practical tools and spiritual nourishment. Join us next week for an all-new episode of Your Heart Magic and more psychology, spirituality, storytelling, and heart wisdom.
--
Your Heart Magic is a space where heart wisdom, spirituality, and psychology meet. Enjoy episodes centered on mental health, spirituality, personal growth, healing, and well-being. Featured as one of the best Heart Energy and Akashic Records Podcasts in 2024 by PlayerFM and Globally Ranked in the top 5% in Listen Notes.
Dr. BethAnne Kapansky Wright is a Licensed Psychologist, Spiritual Educator, and Akashic Records Reader. She is the author of Small Pearls Big Wisdom, the Award-Winning Lamentations of the Sea, its sequels, and several books of poetry. A psychologist with a mystic mind, she weaves perspectives from both worlds to offer holistic wisdom.
FIND DR. BETHANNE ONLINE:
BOOKS- www.bethannekw.com/books
FACEBOOK - www.facebook.com/drbethannekw
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CONTACT FORM - www.bethannekw.com/contact
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Intro/Outro Music (00:13):
Aloha and welcome to your Heart Magic, an
illuminating space wherepsychology, spirituality and
heart wisdom meet.
Here's your host, dr BethannKapansky-Wright, author,
psychologist and spiritualeducator.
Aloha everybody, this is Dr.
Dr. BethAnne Kapansky W (00:37):
Bethann Kapansky-Wright, and welcome to
your Heart Magic.
Happy second week of May forthose of you who are listening
to this the week that it comesout, and happy whatever day or
month it is for anybody who iscatching this.
After the fact, today we aretalking about the topic of
cultivating self-love, how to doit, how to cultivate more
(00:59):
nourishment inside of ourselves,and this episode was actually
inspired by the upcoming holidayof Mother's Day.
That is happening this comingweekend, and I always like to
take what is going on in thegreater collective and put some
sort of twist on it or use it toinspire.
What does this topic evoke inme and, I think, for a lot of
(01:24):
people?
Some people were gifted andblessed with really wonderful
mothers, but a lot of peoplehave struggled with the concept
for many reasons, whether that'sin their own relationship with
their family and their mother,whether it's within themselves
as a mother, whether it'slearning how to be a good mother
to oneself.
So it's a word that evokesdifferent things in different
(01:47):
people, and an interestingjournal prompt for your own
exploration might be to sit downand write out that word and
then write out like what are allyour associations with it,
without any judgment orcategorization or needing to do
anything with it, but justriffing off of the word and
seeing what free associationscome up with.
(02:07):
So you have a sense of whereyou're at with this.
For myself, I've always lovedthe idea of continuing to build
my inner map of self and buildmy inner world and thinking
about internal families and theinternal relationships we have
with ourself.
Internal families and theinternal relationships we have
(02:27):
with ourself.
I always felt that building thevoice of compassion and
building the archetype of themother, the empress, the fairy,
godmother, the cosmic mother,the nurturer inside of us is a
really beautiful gift that wecan give ourselves, because that
can become the part of us thatnot only speaks to us in a very
loving way but when we arefeeling lost or out of sorts
(02:48):
within ourself.
If we have instilled a part ofourself that is really loving
and we can tap into that and tapinto that energy in some
capacity, I think it helps usmove through our challenges much
quicker and get to space ofself-forgiveness and
self-compassion and holdingourselves accountable to
(03:10):
whatever it is that we'restruggling with, yet doing it in
a way that is very loving andvery supportive.
So we are focusing on self-lovetoday, and I have a passage from
Small Pearl's Big Wisdom that Iwould like to share about
self-love, and I'm going to dothis a little bit differently
today.
I'm going to break up thispassage and stop after every
(03:32):
couple paragraphs.
It's about a page and a half inits entirety, but I want to
pause and use some of what Ijust read as my talking points
for today so we can dive moredeeply into it, because there's
a lot in here.
So this is called CultivatingSelf-Love A Few How-Tos, and it
(03:54):
is passage 97 from Small Pearl'sBig Wisdom.
Intro/Outro Music (03:58):
What do we?
Dr. BethAnne Kapansky Wright (03:59):
do if we struggle to find the
voice of love inside ourselves.
Sometimes we haven't had lovingrole models in our lives and
the voices of criticism,disparagement or cruelty have
torn us down, so we neverlearned how to develop a space
of compassion and warmth insideourselves.
(04:19):
The good news is that we canchange this and learn greater
self-love.
Our minds are wired to createnew pathways and patterns of
being, and our hearts innatelyknow how to love.
That wisdom resides inside eachof us.
So even if this world has doneits very best to make us forget
(04:42):
how to love ourselves, ourhearts still remember.
Our minds can learn and we cancultivate our relationship with
self-love.
Pausing there for a second, Ithink it's interesting that it
is kind of this generic wisdomright now that you have to learn
to love yourself before you canlove anybody else, and loving
(05:04):
yourself is the most powerfulthing that you can do, and I
think that that is a wonderfulconcept.
It is very easy to throw itaround, harder to practice and
harder to learn to live and toreally integrate inside who we
are and as somebody who willforever be a student of
(05:26):
self-love and learning how tocontinue to spiral deeper into
my relationship with myself andrealizing that self-love it's
not a one-time thing like you'veachieved it and you've learned
it and you're good to go now,but it's an ongoing process
because we keep changing and wekeep evolving and we will keep
(05:46):
uncovering things in our lifeand things inside of us that
evoke our shadow self and evoketraumas or challenges or
unhealed areas of ourself.
We will continue to develop andgo through life phases and
maybe see facets of ourselvesthat might not feel very likable
(06:07):
or lovable.
And so self-love is an ongoingjourney and we can develop a
foundation for it and have agrasp of the idea of what it
means and be practicing it onsome level.
But I found we can always takeit deeper and that's part of the
journey and part of theevolution of that.
But starting with the idea ofwhat is self-love and how do we
(06:30):
learn to love ourselves, it's areally hard concept for some
people.
If they haven't had role modelsor haven't had someone in their
life who is mirrored backloving energy, then how are they
supposed to know how to lovethemselves?
How can somebody be a lovingperson if it was never modeled
to them?
And, I believe, in our hearts?
(06:52):
Love is our natural language.
It's what we know to do.
It is what we know and how weknow to express ourselves.
Everything spiritually that Itap into and look at says it all
comes back to love, and it'sabout the love we have inside,
the love we cultivate inside ofourselves, the love we choose to
give, the love that we can keepusing to transform who we are
(07:15):
and offering the world andoffering ourselves.
That is the nucleus, that'swhat it's all about, and so we
have this innate capacity to doit, but sometimes that's been
really blocked.
For some people, their heartchakras really blocked or such
horrible, critical, poor, poorbehavior was modeled to them
that that natural tendency issuppressed and so the
(07:40):
relationship with the selfbecomes one that is not loving
and oftentimes can be thatcritical voice that we have,
that voice of judgment, thatinternalized voice, whether it
comes from a parent or societyor the collective of people
along the way, that caused usharm or said something, and we
internalized those words andcreated this interject of, this
(08:04):
negative voice that's constantlytelling us that we are not
doing it right or not enough orwhatever.
Those messages, those corewounds are that each of us have.
It just shows up a little bitdifferently in each of us, based
on our individual journeys.
Sometimes all of that stuff isblocking our innate ability to
experience love and to learn toopen our hearts to ourself and
(08:29):
learn to build a strongerrelationship with ourself.
So, moving on in this passage,because I think that begs the
question okay, well then, whatdo we do then?
You know, I wrote the line thatwe have the ability to create
new neural networks and tocreate new pathways and patterns
, and that's the good news.
This is totally learnable.
There are things that we can doto grow our relationship with
(08:53):
self-love, to cultivate that, toset an intention around it and
to seek to change it.
And I love that neuroplasticityand the brain says, hey, you
can learn how to do somethingdifferent.
You can create a new pathway ofbeing.
We can shift a paradigm.
We can open our hearts and dothe work of the inner self and
(09:15):
the heart work and any somaticphysical work where we feel
blocked.
But we can also work on beingmindful and bringing to our
consciousness more self-lovingactivities and words and things
that we can do to grow that.
So, moving on with this passagedon't know what self-love even
(09:37):
means.
Aim for the ballpark ofdeveloping the qualities of
inner warmth, compassion andacceptance and you'll be headed
in the right direction.
If you seek to discover a moreloving voice inside of yourself,
then think of it like pullingon and building a new skill.
We can draw on externalresources to instill a pathway
(09:59):
for self-love.
If you need a few ideas, trythese.
What color is self-love?
Or try these variations whatcolor is compassion?
What color is grace?
What color is kindness?
Take 30 seconds and imaginethat color is gently swirling
(10:22):
through your heart, so pausingthere with the reading and
reflecting out loud with you.
I really like the idea that ifself-love feels like this
mercurial concept or somethingthat's really amorphous, or
you're like I love the idea ofit, but I don't know how to
apply that, I'm not even sure ifI know what that means.
(10:43):
I had wrote the line aim forthe ballpark of developing the
qualities of inner warmth,compassion and acceptance and
you'll be headed in the rightdirection.
And I really feel like, when westruggle with the concept of
love or if we're struggling withself-love in any way, that if
we reframe it and say, well, howabout inner warmth?
How would I learn to betterself-soothe?
(11:05):
Or to find more warmth formyself?
How might I find moreacceptance or compassion for
myself.
What might that look like?
Because I feel like thosequalities are absolutely part of
self-love and inner nourishmentpart of self-love and inner
(11:26):
nourishment, and that if we getlost in the sauce of these big
words and not knowing exactlywhat they mean or feeling like
it has to look a certain way,then let's play with the
language around it, let's lookat the concept and break it down
and come at it from a slightlydifferent angle.
So if you can at least move inthe direction of how could I be
more warm to myself in this?
How could I find morecompassion or self-kindness or
(11:49):
peace or at least neutrality, ifwe can do those things, then
we're in the ballpark, we're onthe field, we're in the game and
you're moving in the rightdirection.
Those are the kinds of thingsthat help us foster that ability
to be more kind, be moreaccepting and be more loving.
And one of my favorite exercisesto do for myself I teach other
(12:10):
people all the time and I use alot of variations of this is
using colors as a visualizationtool to connect and instill and
enhance an inner resource insideof ourselves.
So if I say to somebody whatdoes compassion feel like to you
?
They may or may not have ananswer for me, depending on
(12:30):
where they're at in theirjourney with that, but if I say,
what color is compassion,usually people can come up with
something and a lot of timesit's like oh, I don't know why,
but I'm seeing purple or pink orwhite or whatever color comes
through.
For that person it can changeand there's not like one color
associated with compassion.
(12:51):
I think the language of coloris a beautiful language.
It's its own energies, its ownessences and frequencies and
medicines, and so I just chooseto trust whatever color comes
through when we're working withthese concepts.
But people can connect withcolors and I think colors are
non-threatening.
I think they're really playful.
(13:13):
I think there's something aboutthem that is a little bit like
taking out our crayon heart anddrawing and scribbling love
graffiti on it and it lightensthings.
It's a joyful way of coming atsome of these concepts where
there can be a lot of woundingfor some people.
So, visualizing a color that'sconnected to self-love or
(13:36):
self-compassion, or what's thecolor of warmth, what my inner
warmth feel like, you could alsouse a element of nature, like
maybe being by the water feelsvery loving to you, or maybe a
deer feels really gentle and youmight see like rolling meadows
or something like that.
We can use visualization to workfor us and support these
(13:59):
concepts.
And then just focusing on thatand practicing in your nervous
system and your body, justtaking 30 seconds to focus on
that and allow yourself theexperience of softening to
yourself, and I think that thisis building resources inside of
ourselves.
If we need to build a muscleand build a new resource, then a
(14:20):
little bit of practice goes along way.
And when we use our imaginationto intentionally tap into a
quality or an energy or aresource that we want to build
inside of ourselves, it givesour brains a new experience of
how to think about that.
And just because we'reimagining it and doing
(14:40):
meditation work and it's nothappening on the physical plane
doesn't mean it's not happeningin our emotional world and our
neural networks.
It doesn't mean it's nothappening on an energetic level.
And so we might think aboutbuilding these resources by
using fun, playful elements ofnature or color or visualization
(15:03):
or music or feelings andsitting with that as a guided
meditation for just a little bitand focusing on a concept like
self-love or self-compassion andimagining that we are allowing
that energy to be poured insideof us through the act of
intentional visualization.
So, moving on to the nextparagraph, this is another idea
(15:27):
for how to build self-love.
Draw on archetypes ofunconditionally loving figures,
such as the proverbial fairygodmother, the goodly oracle or
the wise woman who always knowsjust what to say.
Find the characters and books,films, stories or real-life role
models who represent thequalities of kindness, warmth
(15:51):
and wisdom to you.
Imagine they are part of yourinner circle of support,
teaching you how to be graciousand warm towards yourself.
When I was younger and I neededto develop more self-compassion
, I used this exercise quite abit and I often imagined some
mishmash of this fairy godmotherfrom Cinderella archetype.
(16:15):
Sometimes she would be a littlebit more priestly in white
robes and look like Galadrielfrom Lord of the Rings or the
Oracle from the Matrix oranything that you might have
read in a book or seen in a showor can imagine for yourself,
where you have this sense of avery nurturing figure who's also
(16:36):
wise and who believes in you,the kind of figure that would
say hey, you've got this, Ibelieve in you, you're going to
figure it out, you are fine, youare gold.
You are amazing and wonderfuland beautiful.
You will find your way in this.
You have what you need tonavigate whatever it is that's
(16:58):
coming up in life and you haveacceptance here.
And who would help us find ourinner wisdom?
Not necessarily by fixing it orgiving us all the answers, but
giving us just enough to help usbelieve in ourselves and
believe in our own capacity fornavigating our life path and
rising to the occasion ofwhatever it is in our life that
(17:22):
feels challenging or feels likeit's calling us at the time.
So I would imagine thisfairy-like, godmother-like,
oracle-like character in myinner circle who was really
supportive and I used this quitea bit when I was younger and I
was working through somechallenges around some of the
things that had happened in myown life.
(17:43):
And sometimes I would do anintentional visualization and if
I was like stuck in a badmemory or stuck in something
that felt challenging to thinkabout, I would try and bring in
this very godmother-likecharacter in my own mind and
imagine that she was likesitting in that memory with me
and being really kind andcompassionate and observing with
(18:05):
me and just saying, yeah, thatwas hard, that was a hard thing
that you went through, but alsobringing in this wisdom, like
putting her arm around me andsaying like let's get out of
here, because this isn'thappening now.
There's no life for you hereanymore.
There's just past stuff thatyou're still working through and
I believe in you and yourability to work through it.
(18:26):
But let's go do something elseand focus on what's wonderful
about you.
I believe in you and when Ilook back on some of my earlier
writings in poetry I really seethe voice of that echoed in so
many of them where those lessonsthat I was moving through at
the time are put into words andreally learning to find that
(18:49):
kinder language for myself.
So I love the idea that we allhave a circle of support, a
circle of archetypes, a circleof resources to draw on, and I
love imagining having some sortof wise woman being in the
circle and drawing on thatcharacteristic when I need to
find it for myself.
So, going back to the readingand finishing off this passage
(19:11):
on how to's for cultivatingself-love, tune into nature.
Notice how the earth manages tomake space for all of us and
compassionately grant us spaceon her land.
She embodies acceptance and wecan learn to cultivate a greater
sense of acceptance by payingattention to what the trees, the
(19:31):
seas, the plants, the sky, themoon and any other natural
element have to teach us.
Last, never forget that you area powerful agent of change.
If you set an intention tolearn to love yourself, then you
can absolutely trust that yourheart will begin to draw into
(19:52):
you the right resources,solutions, supports, ideas and
inspirations to help you createa pathway into learning to love
yourself, exactly where you'reat.
I've often thought that natureis such a beautiful inspiration
for compassion and love becauseshe allows all of us to live on
(20:12):
her and hold space for so manyof us with such diverse
backgrounds and opinions andideas.
She holds space for people thatdon't necessarily treat her
well or respect her and stillallows them the gift of being on
her land, being on her space.
And when we go out into nature,she gifts so generously.
(20:35):
There's always a gift there ifwe can tune in and listen.
If I sit still and listen tonature, even if I'm out running
and trying to be moreintentional and appreciative on
my run of what I'm seeing in myoutside environment, there's
always treasures at the heart,always gifts to be found.
Sometimes it's a wisdom thatcomes through, the wisdom of the
(20:56):
trees, maybe the wisdom of theocean.
Sometimes it's seeing a floweropen and blooming.
Sometimes it's observing thechanging of seasons or where the
light or the weather's atduring the time of year and
reflecting on what wisdom orlesson that is.
She's just so rich in abundanceand has so much to teach us and
give so generously, and I'veoften found that to be a
(21:19):
beautiful way to tap into.
How can I internalize more ofthat for myself?
How can I grow that andincrease that for myself?
How can I use nature as amirror to help reflect back to
me more qualities of generosityand abundance and compassion?
And she's available to all ofus to do that.
(21:41):
Nobody has a corner on themarket of nature.
She just gives generously andfreely and we can always access
her.
So that's a beautiful way tocontinue to foster those
qualities within us.
And the last piece is we are apowerful agent of change.
If that is something that youwant to foster in your life or
(22:03):
want to continue to work onbuilding for yourself and
letting that concept keepevolving for you in a direction
that supports you, then continueto set an intention around it
and see what shows up.
When we put our hearts intosomething and say I really want
to foster and grow this in mylife and maybe I don't know how,
(22:24):
maybe I don't know exactlywhere to start, but the
intention is there then magicalthings happen.
It all starts with us being theagent of change and saying I
intend this, I intend to grow astronger pathway of self-love,
and seeing what starts to showup and what resources and ideas
and experiences you draw intoyou to support you on that path.
(22:47):
So I want to close today with apoem that I wrote.
It's called the Girl from LastSummer, and I wrote this back in
, I think, the year 2013.
And a lot of my poetry at thattime, a lot of the writing that
I did, is focused not only onself-love but empowering my
relationship with myself.
A lot of the pieces and ideasthat I now share about this are.
(23:12):
The origins of it all go backto this time in my life and I
keep building on them.
As I talked about, self-love isan ongoing journey.
It's an evolution.
It's evolving art.
We continue to learn new thingsabout how to bring more warmth
and compassion into ourselvesand then how can we extend that
to others, but so much of thefoundation of my work.
(23:36):
There were just some reallypivotal lessons that happened
for me at that time in my lifeand I wrote it as this essay to
myself, this poem to to myself,and when I wrote it and it was
2013, 2014,.
I really have to go back andsearch my journals to figure out
the exact timeline, but I wroteit to like the me, the summer
(23:58):
before, and life was in a verydifferent place when I wrote
this to my slightly younger selfand I feel like it embodies
some of the concepts that we'retalking about today, and for me
it's always a pleasure to get toshare something that's personal
to my own journey and that wasmeaningful to me, so I hope it
(24:19):
inspires you in some way as well.
The Girlfriend Last Summer If Icould go back and be with her,
that girl I met one day, who satbroken in the sun, gray in
heart, staring out at an emptyPacific.
I would tell her my dear one,you do not deserve to be a
(24:40):
question tripping off his lipsbecause the sounds of your name
are too big and glorious to wraphis voice around.
You deserve to be the answer toa question that was met.
When he met you and, with afist pump, spoke a resounding
hell yes, because that is thekind of reckless commitment it
(25:02):
will take to weather the path oflove.
And besides, your beautifulname was not meant for whispered
stutter but wild exclamation.
If I could go back and sit withher and lend her my glow to help
warm the cold ache she carriedinside, I would tell her, my
dear one, the pain you now feelis not in vain, for wise hearts
(25:26):
are forged upon the wildfires ofexperience, and every piece
that feels broken needed tobreak so your heart could find
room to grow.
How else are you going to freeyour heart if you don't crack
through the walls that wereholding it back in the first
place?
If I could go back and take herhand and give her a touch of
(25:46):
reassurance to help steady herfalling faith in this thing they
call love, I would tell her mydear one, do not regret your
choices, for you were quitebrave to risk your heart for the
sake of love, and the onlyfoolishness that exists in
having loved is the foolishnessthat exists when we judge our
hearts for doing what hearts aremeant to do.
(26:08):
And now that you have learnedyour capacity for deep, massive
love.
You need to learn to directthat love inwards and shine it
on yourself.
If I could go back, I'd remindher that I will always be there
to help her find her way toshore, no matter how lost in the
oceans of life she may be.
(26:28):
Then I would put my arm aroundmy younger self and say my dear
one, you are the answer to aquestion that is met when you
meet you.
So pick up those broken piecesand go about the work of
reassembling them into somethinggreater than they were before,
and embrace yourself with a fistpump and a resounding hell yes,
(26:51):
because that is the kind ofreckless commitment it will take
to weather your path of love.
And besides, your beautifulname was not meant for whispered
stutter but wild exclamation.
Thank you so much for joiningme in this episode of your Heart
Magic.
(27:11):
I will be back next week with anew podcast on psychology,
creativity, spirituality,storytelling and heart wisdom.
In the meantime, have abeautiful week, be good to you,
be loving to you and, as always,be well, be love, be you and be
(27:33):
magic.
Intro/Outro Music (27:39):
You've been listening to your Heart Magic
with Dr Bethann Kapansky-Wright.
Tune in next week for a newepisode to support and empower
your light.
Aloha and welcome to your Heart Magic, an
illuminating space wherepsychology, spirituality and
heart wisdom meet.
Here's your host, dr BethannKapansky-Wright, author,
psychologist and spiritualeducator.
Aloha everybody, this is Dr.
Dr. BethAnne Kapansky W (00:37):
Bethann Kapansky-Wright, and welcome to
your Heart Magic.
Happy second week of May forthose of you who are listening
to this the week that it comesout, and happy whatever day or
month it is for anybody who iscatching this.
After the fact, today we aretalking about the topic of
cultivating self-love, how to doit, how to cultivate more
(00:59):
nourishment inside of ourselves,and this episode was actually
inspired by the upcoming holidayof Mother's Day.
That is happening this comingweekend, and I always like to
take what is going on in thegreater collective and put some
sort of twist on it or use it toinspire.
What does this topic evoke inme and, I think, for a lot of
(01:24):
people?
Some people were gifted andblessed with really wonderful
mothers, but a lot of peoplehave struggled with the concept
for many reasons, whether that'sin their own relationship with
their family and their mother,whether it's within themselves
as a mother, whether it'slearning how to be a good mother
to oneself.
So it's a word that evokesdifferent things in different
(01:47):
people, and an interestingjournal prompt for your own
exploration might be to sit downand write out that word and
then write out like what are allyour associations with it,
without any judgment orcategorization or needing to do
anything with it, but justriffing off of the word and
seeing what free associationscome up with.
(02:07):
So you have a sense of whereyou're at with this.
For myself, I've always lovedthe idea of continuing to build
my inner map of self and buildmy inner world and thinking
about internal families and theinternal relationships we have
with ourself.
Internal families and theinternal relationships we have
(02:27):
with ourself.
I always felt that building thevoice of compassion and
building the archetype of themother, the empress, the fairy,
godmother, the cosmic mother,the nurturer inside of us is a
really beautiful gift that wecan give ourselves, because that
can become the part of us thatnot only speaks to us in a very
loving way but when we arefeeling lost or out of sorts
(02:48):
within ourself.
If we have instilled a part ofourself that is really loving
and we can tap into that and tapinto that energy in some
capacity, I think it helps usmove through our challenges much
quicker and get to space ofself-forgiveness and
self-compassion and holdingourselves accountable to
(03:10):
whatever it is that we'restruggling with, yet doing it in
a way that is very loving andvery supportive.
So we are focusing on self-lovetoday, and I have a passage from
Small Pearl's Big Wisdom that Iwould like to share about
self-love, and I'm going to dothis a little bit differently
today.
I'm going to break up thispassage and stop after every
(03:32):
couple paragraphs.
It's about a page and a half inits entirety, but I want to
pause and use some of what Ijust read as my talking points
for today so we can dive moredeeply into it, because there's
a lot in here.
So this is called CultivatingSelf-Love A Few How-Tos, and it
(03:54):
is passage 97 from Small Pearl'sBig Wisdom.
Intro/Outro Music (03:58):
What do we?
Dr. BethAnne Kapansky Wright (03:59):
do if we struggle to find the
voice of love inside ourselves.
Sometimes we haven't had lovingrole models in our lives and
the voices of criticism,disparagement or cruelty have
torn us down, so we neverlearned how to develop a space
of compassion and warmth insideourselves.
(04:19):
The good news is that we canchange this and learn greater
self-love.
Our minds are wired to createnew pathways and patterns of
being, and our hearts innatelyknow how to love.
That wisdom resides inside eachof us.
So even if this world has doneits very best to make us forget
(04:42):
how to love ourselves, ourhearts still remember.
Our minds can learn and we cancultivate our relationship with
self-love.
Pausing there for a second, Ithink it's interesting that it
is kind of this generic wisdomright now that you have to learn
to love yourself before you canlove anybody else, and loving
(05:04):
yourself is the most powerfulthing that you can do, and I
think that that is a wonderfulconcept.
It is very easy to throw itaround, harder to practice and
harder to learn to live and toreally integrate inside who we
are and as somebody who willforever be a student of
(05:26):
self-love and learning how tocontinue to spiral deeper into
my relationship with myself andrealizing that self-love it's
not a one-time thing like you'veachieved it and you've learned
it and you're good to go now,but it's an ongoing process
because we keep changing and wekeep evolving and we will keep
(05:46):
uncovering things in our lifeand things inside of us that
evoke our shadow self and evoketraumas or challenges or
unhealed areas of ourself.
We will continue to develop andgo through life phases and
maybe see facets of ourselvesthat might not feel very likable
(06:07):
or lovable.
And so self-love is an ongoingjourney and we can develop a
foundation for it and have agrasp of the idea of what it
means and be practicing it onsome level.
But I found we can always takeit deeper and that's part of the
journey and part of theevolution of that.
But starting with the idea ofwhat is self-love and how do we
(06:30):
learn to love ourselves, it's areally hard concept for some
people.
If they haven't had role modelsor haven't had someone in their
life who is mirrored backloving energy, then how are they
supposed to know how to lovethemselves?
How can somebody be a lovingperson if it was never modeled
to them?
And, I believe, in our hearts?
(06:52):
Love is our natural language.
It's what we know to do.
It is what we know and how weknow to express ourselves.
Everything spiritually that Itap into and look at says it all
comes back to love, and it'sabout the love we have inside,
the love we cultivate inside ofourselves, the love we choose to
give, the love that we can keepusing to transform who we are
(07:15):
and offering the world andoffering ourselves.
That is the nucleus, that'swhat it's all about, and so we
have this innate capacity to doit, but sometimes that's been
really blocked.
For some people, their heartchakras really blocked or such
horrible, critical, poor, poorbehavior was modeled to them
that that natural tendency issuppressed and so the
(07:40):
relationship with the selfbecomes one that is not loving
and oftentimes can be thatcritical voice that we have,
that voice of judgment, thatinternalized voice, whether it
comes from a parent or societyor the collective of people
along the way, that caused usharm or said something, and we
internalized those words andcreated this interject of, this
(08:04):
negative voice that's constantlytelling us that we are not
doing it right or not enough orwhatever.
Those messages, those corewounds are that each of us have.
It just shows up a little bitdifferently in each of us, based
on our individual journeys.
Sometimes all of that stuff isblocking our innate ability to
experience love and to learn toopen our hearts to ourself and
(08:29):
learn to build a strongerrelationship with ourself.
So, moving on in this passage,because I think that begs the
question okay, well then, whatdo we do then?
You know, I wrote the line thatwe have the ability to create
new neural networks and tocreate new pathways and patterns
, and that's the good news.
This is totally learnable.
There are things that we can doto grow our relationship with
(08:53):
self-love, to cultivate that, toset an intention around it and
to seek to change it.
And I love that neuroplasticityand the brain says, hey, you
can learn how to do somethingdifferent.
You can create a new pathway ofbeing.
We can shift a paradigm.
We can open our hearts and dothe work of the inner self and
(09:15):
the heart work and any somaticphysical work where we feel
blocked.
But we can also work on beingmindful and bringing to our
consciousness more self-lovingactivities and words and things
that we can do to grow that.
So, moving on with this passagedon't know what self-love even
(09:37):
means.
Aim for the ballpark ofdeveloping the qualities of
inner warmth, compassion andacceptance and you'll be headed
in the right direction.
If you seek to discover a moreloving voice inside of yourself,
then think of it like pullingon and building a new skill.
We can draw on externalresources to instill a pathway
(09:59):
for self-love.
If you need a few ideas, trythese.
What color is self-love?
Or try these variations whatcolor is compassion?
What color is grace?
What color is kindness?
Take 30 seconds and imaginethat color is gently swirling
(10:22):
through your heart, so pausingthere with the reading and
reflecting out loud with you.
I really like the idea that ifself-love feels like this
mercurial concept or somethingthat's really amorphous, or
you're like I love the idea ofit, but I don't know how to
apply that, I'm not even sure ifI know what that means.
(10:43):
I had wrote the line aim forthe ballpark of developing the
qualities of inner warmth,compassion and acceptance and
you'll be headed in the rightdirection.
And I really feel like, when westruggle with the concept of
love or if we're struggling withself-love in any way, that if
we reframe it and say, well, howabout inner warmth?
How would I learn to betterself-soothe?
(11:05):
Or to find more warmth formyself?
How might I find moreacceptance or compassion for
myself.
What might that look like?
Because I feel like thosequalities are absolutely part of
self-love and inner nourishmentpart of self-love and inner
(11:26):
nourishment, and that if we getlost in the sauce of these big
words and not knowing exactlywhat they mean or feeling like
it has to look a certain way,then let's play with the
language around it, let's lookat the concept and break it down
and come at it from a slightlydifferent angle.
So if you can at least move inthe direction of how could I be
more warm to myself in this?
How could I find morecompassion or self-kindness or
(11:49):
peace or at least neutrality, ifwe can do those things, then
we're in the ballpark, we're onthe field, we're in the game and
you're moving in the rightdirection.
Those are the kinds of thingsthat help us foster that ability
to be more kind, be moreaccepting and be more loving.
And one of my favorite exercisesto do for myself I teach other
(12:10):
people all the time and I use alot of variations of this is
using colors as a visualizationtool to connect and instill and
enhance an inner resource insideof ourselves.
So if I say to somebody whatdoes compassion feel like to you
?
They may or may not have ananswer for me, depending on
(12:30):
where they're at in theirjourney with that, but if I say,
what color is compassion,usually people can come up with
something and a lot of timesit's like oh, I don't know why,
but I'm seeing purple or pink orwhite or whatever color comes
through.
For that person it can changeand there's not like one color
associated with compassion.
(12:51):
I think the language of coloris a beautiful language.
It's its own energies, its ownessences and frequencies and
medicines, and so I just chooseto trust whatever color comes
through when we're working withthese concepts.
But people can connect withcolors and I think colors are
non-threatening.
I think they're really playful.
(13:13):
I think there's something aboutthem that is a little bit like
taking out our crayon heart anddrawing and scribbling love
graffiti on it and it lightensthings.
It's a joyful way of coming atsome of these concepts where
there can be a lot of woundingfor some people.
So, visualizing a color that'sconnected to self-love or
(13:36):
self-compassion, or what's thecolor of warmth, what my inner
warmth feel like, you could alsouse a element of nature, like
maybe being by the water feelsvery loving to you, or maybe a
deer feels really gentle and youmight see like rolling meadows
or something like that.
We can use visualization to workfor us and support these
(13:59):
concepts.
And then just focusing on thatand practicing in your nervous
system and your body, justtaking 30 seconds to focus on
that and allow yourself theexperience of softening to
yourself, and I think that thisis building resources inside of
ourselves.
If we need to build a muscleand build a new resource, then a
(14:20):
little bit of practice goes along way.
And when we use our imaginationto intentionally tap into a
quality or an energy or aresource that we want to build
inside of ourselves, it givesour brains a new experience of
how to think about that.
And just because we'reimagining it and doing
(14:40):
meditation work and it's nothappening on the physical plane
doesn't mean it's not happeningin our emotional world and our
neural networks.
It doesn't mean it's nothappening on an energetic level.
And so we might think aboutbuilding these resources by
using fun, playful elements ofnature or color or visualization
(15:03):
or music or feelings andsitting with that as a guided
meditation for just a little bitand focusing on a concept like
self-love or self-compassion andimagining that we are allowing
that energy to be poured insideof us through the act of
intentional visualization.
So, moving on to the nextparagraph, this is another idea
(15:27):
for how to build self-love.
Draw on archetypes ofunconditionally loving figures,
such as the proverbial fairygodmother, the goodly oracle or
the wise woman who always knowsjust what to say.
Find the characters and books,films, stories or real-life role
models who represent thequalities of kindness, warmth
(15:51):
and wisdom to you.
Imagine they are part of yourinner circle of support,
teaching you how to be graciousand warm towards yourself.
When I was younger and I neededto develop more self-compassion
, I used this exercise quite abit and I often imagined some
mishmash of this fairy godmotherfrom Cinderella archetype.
(16:15):
Sometimes she would be a littlebit more priestly in white
robes and look like Galadrielfrom Lord of the Rings or the
Oracle from the Matrix oranything that you might have
read in a book or seen in a showor can imagine for yourself,
where you have this sense of avery nurturing figure who's also
(16:36):
wise and who believes in you,the kind of figure that would
say hey, you've got this, Ibelieve in you, you're going to
figure it out, you are fine, youare gold.
You are amazing and wonderfuland beautiful.
You will find your way in this.
You have what you need tonavigate whatever it is that's
(16:58):
coming up in life and you haveacceptance here.
And who would help us find ourinner wisdom?
Not necessarily by fixing it orgiving us all the answers, but
giving us just enough to help usbelieve in ourselves and
believe in our own capacity fornavigating our life path and
rising to the occasion ofwhatever it is in our life that
(17:22):
feels challenging or feels likeit's calling us at the time.
So I would imagine thisfairy-like, godmother-like,
oracle-like character in myinner circle who was really
supportive and I used this quitea bit when I was younger and I
was working through somechallenges around some of the
things that had happened in myown life.
(17:43):
And sometimes I would do anintentional visualization and if
I was like stuck in a badmemory or stuck in something
that felt challenging to thinkabout, I would try and bring in
this very godmother-likecharacter in my own mind and
imagine that she was likesitting in that memory with me
and being really kind andcompassionate and observing with
(18:05):
me and just saying, yeah, thatwas hard, that was a hard thing
that you went through, but alsobringing in this wisdom, like
putting her arm around me andsaying like let's get out of
here, because this isn'thappening now.
There's no life for you hereanymore.
There's just past stuff thatyou're still working through and
I believe in you and yourability to work through it.
(18:26):
But let's go do something elseand focus on what's wonderful
about you.
I believe in you and when Ilook back on some of my earlier
writings in poetry I really seethe voice of that echoed in so
many of them where those lessonsthat I was moving through at
the time are put into words andreally learning to find that
(18:49):
kinder language for myself.
So I love the idea that we allhave a circle of support, a
circle of archetypes, a circleof resources to draw on, and I
love imagining having some sortof wise woman being in the
circle and drawing on thatcharacteristic when I need to
find it for myself.
So, going back to the readingand finishing off this passage
(19:11):
on how to's for cultivatingself-love, tune into nature.
Notice how the earth manages tomake space for all of us and
compassionately grant us spaceon her land.
She embodies acceptance and wecan learn to cultivate a greater
sense of acceptance by payingattention to what the trees, the
(19:31):
seas, the plants, the sky, themoon and any other natural
element have to teach us.
Last, never forget that you area powerful agent of change.
If you set an intention tolearn to love yourself, then you
can absolutely trust that yourheart will begin to draw into
(19:52):
you the right resources,solutions, supports, ideas and
inspirations to help you createa pathway into learning to love
yourself, exactly where you'reat.
I've often thought that natureis such a beautiful inspiration
for compassion and love becauseshe allows all of us to live on
(20:12):
her and hold space for so manyof us with such diverse
backgrounds and opinions andideas.
She holds space for people thatdon't necessarily treat her
well or respect her and stillallows them the gift of being on
her land, being on her space.
And when we go out into nature,she gifts so generously.
(20:35):
There's always a gift there ifwe can tune in and listen.
If I sit still and listen tonature, even if I'm out running
and trying to be moreintentional and appreciative on
my run of what I'm seeing in myoutside environment, there's
always treasures at the heart,always gifts to be found.
Sometimes it's a wisdom thatcomes through, the wisdom of the
(20:56):
trees, maybe the wisdom of theocean.
Sometimes it's seeing a floweropen and blooming.
Sometimes it's observing thechanging of seasons or where the
light or the weather's atduring the time of year and
reflecting on what wisdom orlesson that is.
She's just so rich in abundanceand has so much to teach us and
give so generously, and I'veoften found that to be a
(21:19):
beautiful way to tap into.
How can I internalize more ofthat for myself?
How can I grow that andincrease that for myself?
How can I use nature as amirror to help reflect back to
me more qualities of generosityand abundance and compassion?
And she's available to all ofus to do that.
(21:41):
Nobody has a corner on themarket of nature.
She just gives generously andfreely and we can always access
her.
So that's a beautiful way tocontinue to foster those
qualities within us.
And the last piece is we are apowerful agent of change.
If that is something that youwant to foster in your life or
(22:03):
want to continue to work onbuilding for yourself and
letting that concept keepevolving for you in a direction
that supports you, then continueto set an intention around it
and see what shows up.
When we put our hearts intosomething and say I really want
to foster and grow this in mylife and maybe I don't know how,
(22:24):
maybe I don't know exactlywhere to start, but the
intention is there then magicalthings happen.
It all starts with us being theagent of change and saying I
intend this, I intend to grow astronger pathway of self-love,
and seeing what starts to showup and what resources and ideas
and experiences you draw intoyou to support you on that path.
(22:47):
So I want to close today with apoem that I wrote.
It's called the Girl from LastSummer, and I wrote this back in
, I think, the year 2013.
And a lot of my poetry at thattime, a lot of the writing that
I did, is focused not only onself-love but empowering my
relationship with myself.
A lot of the pieces and ideasthat I now share about this are.
(23:12):
The origins of it all go backto this time in my life and I
keep building on them.
As I talked about, self-love isan ongoing journey.
It's an evolution.
It's evolving art.
We continue to learn new thingsabout how to bring more warmth
and compassion into ourselvesand then how can we extend that
to others, but so much of thefoundation of my work.
(23:36):
There were just some reallypivotal lessons that happened
for me at that time in my lifeand I wrote it as this essay to
myself, this poem to to myself,and when I wrote it and it was
2013, 2014,.
I really have to go back andsearch my journals to figure out
the exact timeline, but I wroteit to like the me, the summer
(23:58):
before, and life was in a verydifferent place when I wrote
this to my slightly younger selfand I feel like it embodies
some of the concepts that we'retalking about today, and for me
it's always a pleasure to get toshare something that's personal
to my own journey and that wasmeaningful to me, so I hope it
(24:19):
inspires you in some way as well.
The Girlfriend Last Summer If Icould go back and be with her,
that girl I met one day, who satbroken in the sun, gray in
heart, staring out at an emptyPacific.
I would tell her my dear one,you do not deserve to be a
(24:40):
question tripping off his lipsbecause the sounds of your name
are too big and glorious to wraphis voice around.
You deserve to be the answer toa question that was met.
When he met you and, with afist pump, spoke a resounding
hell yes, because that is thekind of reckless commitment it
(25:02):
will take to weather the path oflove.
And besides, your beautifulname was not meant for whispered
stutter but wild exclamation.
If I could go back and sit withher and lend her my glow to help
warm the cold ache she carriedinside, I would tell her, my
dear one, the pain you now feelis not in vain, for wise hearts
(25:26):
are forged upon the wildfires ofexperience, and every piece
that feels broken needed tobreak so your heart could find
room to grow.
How else are you going to freeyour heart if you don't crack
through the walls that wereholding it back in the first
place?
If I could go back and take herhand and give her a touch of
(25:46):
reassurance to help steady herfalling faith in this thing they
call love, I would tell her mydear one, do not regret your
choices, for you were quitebrave to risk your heart for the
sake of love, and the onlyfoolishness that exists in
having loved is the foolishnessthat exists when we judge our
hearts for doing what hearts aremeant to do.
(26:08):
And now that you have learnedyour capacity for deep, massive
love.
You need to learn to directthat love inwards and shine it
on yourself.
If I could go back, I'd remindher that I will always be there
to help her find her way toshore, no matter how lost in the
oceans of life she may be.
(26:28):
Then I would put my arm aroundmy younger self and say my dear
one, you are the answer to aquestion that is met when you
meet you.
So pick up those broken piecesand go about the work of
reassembling them into somethinggreater than they were before,
and embrace yourself with a fistpump and a resounding hell yes,
(26:51):
because that is the kind ofreckless commitment it will take
to weather your path of love.
And besides, your beautifulname was not meant for whispered
stutter but wild exclamation.
Thank you so much for joiningme in this episode of your Heart
Magic.
(27:11):
I will be back next week with anew podcast on psychology,
creativity, spirituality,storytelling and heart wisdom.
In the meantime, have abeautiful week, be good to you,
be loving to you and, as always,be well, be love, be you and be
(27:33):
magic.
Intro/Outro Music (27:39):
You've been listening to your Heart Magic
with Dr Bethann Kapansky-Wright.
Tune in next week for a newepisode to support and empower
your light.
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