June 5, 2025 • 23 mins
What if the key to inner peace isn't eliminating life's challenges but learning to hold space for them alongside joy? Dr. BethAnn explores how replacing "but" with "and" in our emotional vocabulary creates profound mental flexibility and resilience.
Drawing from her personal grief journey following her brother's passing in 2016, Dr. BethAnne shares how she discovered the power of embracing life's contradictions. During a trip to Oregon, she experienced deep sorrow while simultaneously being moved by breathtaking natural beauty – a living embodiment of the "both/and" philosophy that would later influence her books and teachings.
The episode challenges our tendency to postpone happiness until circumstances change. Rather than waiting for perfect conditions, Dr. Bethann invites us to claim our right to peace and joy now, regardless of external situations. This isn't toxic positivity but a revolutionary stance that acknowledges challenges while refusing to let them dominate our entire emotional landscape.
Mental flexibility emerges as a critical skill for navigating today's rapidly changing world. When we embrace our full emotional experience, joining everything with "and," we discover authentic, sustainable peace that transcends circumstances.
Join us next week for an all-new episode of Your Heart Magic and more psychology, spirituality, storytelling, and heart wisdom.
--
Your Heart Magic is a space where heart wisdom, spirituality, and psychology meet. Enjoy episodes centered on mental health, spirituality, personal growth, healing, and well-being. Featured as one of the best Heart Energy and Akashic Records Podcasts in 2024 by PlayerFM and Globally Ranked in the top 5% in Listen Notes.
Dr. BethAnne Kapansky Wright is a Licensed Psychologist, Spiritual Educator, and Akashic Records Reader. She is the author of Small Pearls Big Wisdom, the Award-Winning Lamentations of the Sea, its sequels, and several books of poetry. A psychologist with a mystic mind, she weaves perspectives from both worlds to offer holistic wisdom.
FIND DR. BETHANNE ONLINE:
BOOKS- www.bethannekw.com/books
FACEBOOK - www.facebook.com/drbethannekw
INSTAGRAM - www.instagram.com/dr.bethannekw
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CONTACT FORM - www.bethannekw.com/contact
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Intro/Outro Music (00:13):
Aloha and welcome to your Heart Magic, an
illuminating space wherepsychology, spirituality and
heart wisdom meet.
Here's your host, dr BethannKapansky-Wright.
Author, psychologist andspiritual educator.
Dr. BethAnne Kapansky Wri (00:32):
Aloha everybody, welcome to your
Heart Magic.
This is Dr BethannKapansky-Wright, and happy June
to you.
Today we are talking about theidea of holding space for
complexity in our lives andspecifically holding space for
the full of our experience, forboth sorrow and joy, beauty and
(00:55):
awfulness, happiness, and whenwe feel challenged and we're
struggling.
At the same time and this is alittle bit of a build on the
theme of Gemini season.
A couple episodes ago, in thearchetypes of Gemini episode, we
were talking about the ideathat life is both and that
Gemini offers us this invitationto bridge what might seem
(01:17):
dichotomous, what might seemlike it doesn't go together the
light and the shadow, thefeminine and the masculine, the
spiritual and the human and totake those two experiences that
can be really different andbuild a bridge between the two
of them so that we hold spacefor both of them and that when
(01:38):
we are able to develop themental and emotional capacity to
do that, we are supported inliving with more peace and the
nuance, with finding contentmentin life's complexities and
creating a set point inside ofourselves, inside of our nervous
system, inside of our abilityto ground and be centered within
(01:59):
ourselves, of creating a setpoint that is more calm and
peaceful and able to experiencewellness in life.
So I want to begin today withreading a really simple poem and
talking about a few conceptsrelated to the idea of holding
space for our emotional andexperiential complexities.
(02:21):
This poem was originallypublished in May of 2016, and
it's pretty short and it issimply called and.
And it's going to hurt a whilelonger and you're still going to
find beauty, and you're goingto break a little and you're
going to grow a great deal andyou're going to discover that
(02:45):
such is life Everything in thespectrum felt, live, experienced
as a whole, joined together bythe, and I originally published
that post on my blog, sunshinein Winter, back in May of 2016.
And I feel like it made its wayinto one of my books, but I
(03:08):
sure couldn't find which one.
I think it's published in myone book that I didn't check,
cranberry Desk, which is apoetry book that I published
back then and that is availableon Amazon, if you are a lover of
nature-inspired poems, and whenI was writing this poem, I was
actually in the car in Oregon,leaving Cannon Beach somewhere
(03:31):
on the road, and it was thisreally profound time in my life.
I've talked about quite a bitthat 2016 was the year that I
lost my brother, brent, and thisOregon trip was a trip to go
see my husband's family andduring the time there I was in
such an interesting space offeeling grief, just drinking in
(03:53):
the beauty of Oregon in thespring and the bright colors and
the flowers and the trees.
I had the idea for my griefbook Lamentations of the Sea
come through during that trip.
It literally came when I was onthis trail with these huge
giant trees they have this very,very ancient history and it was
(04:13):
on that tree-laden trail that Iwas hiking that I had this idea
to do the grief book and towrite it in such a way that I
just did a collection ofwritings on grief, as opposed to
this very formal chapter onethrough chapter whatever, and
telling a more linear narrative.
My idea was why don't you justput everything that you've done
(04:35):
on grief together in thiscollection?
And this idea for 111 passagescame through on that trail that
day and this is about fourmonths, four and a half months
after losing my brother, and soI was beginning to open back up
to life a little bit, but Istill felt pretty grief stricken
and my nervous system and myemotional system still felt
(04:57):
pretty pressed down upon.
I remember laughing and havingmoments of goodness, but I
didn't feel like myself.
I didn't feel like I had thatunfettered ability to feel good,
to feel joy.
I really felt like griefcreated this depression inside
of me.
And by depression I don't meanthe clinical sense of being in a
clinical depression, I meanlike being pressed down upon.
(05:20):
When something is pressed onand there's this hole or this
void or something inside of you,that's what it felt like.
And in that void, in that hole,a lot of the things that I
usually would have experiencedas goodness were just falling
right through.
I just could not feel them andI think my nervous system too
was just absolutely exhausted.
(05:41):
And when our nervous system isexhausted, when we have been
through anything that has reallytaxed us any kind of tragedy,
trauma, anything physically thathas just taken everything that
we've had in order to getthrough it, a lot of times the
intensity of emotion and theintensity of feeling joy or
goodness or beauty or some ofthose higher feeling states it's
(06:04):
really difficult to access them.
So I remember having theselittle flashes, these glimmers
of hope and joy and goodness,and opening back up and feeling
tired and weary of soul and alsofeeling hopeful again and
feeling that I was starting tohave creativity and books
stirring inside of me.
(06:24):
I was working on my bookFreebird Fridays and that had
come through at the time and Iwas just in this place of
appreciating life's complexitiesthat it's about, and it's about
the good and the bad and thejoy and the sorrow, and the
beauty and what's ugly andterrible and wonderful, and the
beauty and what's ugly andterrible and wonderful.
(06:45):
And since I had so viscerallylived that truth, I felt
inspired to write this littlepoem that sounds like such a
simple wisdom.
But even simple wisdoms can hitus in a really profound way
when we are in the middle ofexperiencing them and living
them, as opposed to justthinking about them or
regurgitating them because weread a quote somewhere, saw a
(07:06):
meme on Instagram or somethinglike that.
When we are experiencing alife's wisdom, it hits us in an
all new way.
That's why wisdom at its coreis extremely simple and it's
also incredibly complex and hardto embody.
We come back time and time againto many of the same lessons in
our lives and we learn them andtake them a little bit deeper.
(07:29):
We apply them in a more nuancedway than we did before.
So for me at that time,learning to hold space for all
of it and being like it's goingto keep hurting and it's going
to be beautiful and terrible andwonderful and you're going to
keep growing and you're probablygoing to fall apart more and
there's going to be good daysand bad days.
(07:50):
And it's all bridged by theword and was such a fundamental
and simple truth.
It's such a tiny little thingto apply to our lives to
remember that it's not one orthe other, it's both and.
And we were talking about thisin the archetype of Gemini
(08:10):
episode, where I suggested thejournaling prompt of just
sitting down in your journal andwriting out the contradictions
in your lives I'm struggling andI'm content, I am sad and I am
happy, I am restless and I'mfinding inner peace.
I am concerned or worried aboutwhatever it is, and I'm working
(08:34):
on feeling peaceful and feelingcentered and feeling supported.
It's all of those things.
It's not predicating our senseof goodness on what we might
feel are bad, challenging thingsbeing cleared up in our lives.
It is insisting on findinggoodness and also holding space
that life's challenges willprobably keep happening, because
(08:57):
that is just life, it's part ofthe human experience and it's
part of the world that we livein.
Right now.
There's not only a lot ofchallenges, but they're very in
our face because of the sheervelocity of information and
access to data, information thatwe have.
It's hard not to see and beaware of those things, and we
(09:17):
can keep bringing it back to thespace of ourselves and finding
what's good and beautiful andnoble and intentional and
purposeful and heartfelt and allof those good things in our
life.
So this is such a simple concept, but it's a really important
one and I think the idea ofbeing able to hold space for
both and helps us develop mentalflexibility.
(09:40):
This is a really important toolfor our mental health toolbox
the ability, when we findourselves falling into this
fixed thinking pattern or areally rigid thinking pattern,
or going to that place of likeeverything's terrible or
anything, that is, thisexaggerated sense of how life is
.
It is reminding ourselves oflike well, sometimes that's true
(10:02):
and life can still be beautifulthere is a flexibility and the
ability, I think, to createneural pathways that support
ourselves and having a widerlens, a wider perspective on
life.
That absolutely supports uswhen we are working on creating
a set point inside of ourselvesthat is balanced and that's
(10:25):
peaceful and that's centered.
We want that mental flexibility.
Mentally flexible people areable to adapt quicker, they tend
to be more resilient, they areable to find optimism or at
least neutrality.
I always feel that if I'm havingone of those days where I am in
(10:46):
the weeds and I'm having adifficult time focusing on
what's good, I will often say tomyself Bethann, can you at
least aim for neutrality?
If you can't feel good aboutthis, can you at least find a
way to take a step back and bein the observer role and try and
have neutral thoughts orpeaceful thoughts or be like
water and not necessarily attacha judgment to this situation,
(11:10):
just find that radicalacceptance, let it be what it is
.
Can you at least do that soyou're not nursing and feeding
on toxic negativity inside ofyou and seeding your mind and
your neural pathways with that?
So when we have that mentalflexibility we are much more
able to retain hope.
(11:30):
And if we can't find hope, ifwe can't find the optimism, if
we can't find what's good, thenat least we can aim for being
neutral and being like water andjust flowing and surrendering
and trying to find acceptancefor what is, without attaching
to it or trying to change it.
Something else that I reallylike about this mindset and the
(11:51):
idea of holding space for bothand is that I think it helps us
claim our right to be happy,claim our right to have a life
of purpose, claim our right toexperience joy, delight,
pleasure, whatever it is that wewant to claim our right to do.
I've never loved the idea thatwe have to predicate our
(12:13):
well-being on circumstancesbeing different.
There are times that we are notin good circumstances or we
face challenging circumstances.
I absolutely acknowledge that,and sometimes radical acceptance
is all we can find for it andwe can't paint it any other way
than what it is.
But oftentimes in life I dothink there's a way to reframe
(12:35):
our circumstances if we'refeeling discontent or feeling
feeling restless, are feelingunhappy about something, and
find a way to say yes, this isgoing on and I can cultivate
gratitude.
Anyways, I can look for what'sgood.
I can look at how was Isupported today, what went right
, what do I have that I mightfeel is a gift right now, or
(12:58):
something good that's going on.
I just hate to give my poweraway to life circumstances
because life is going to do itslife thing.
It's going on.
I just hate to give my poweraway to life circumstances
because life is going to do itslife thing, it's going to happen
and there's so many things thatare unpredictable and
uncontrollable, no matter howmuch we try and cultivate
serenity and cultivate liferoutine and events and really
(13:20):
create a life for ourself thatmaybe feel supportive and
whatever that means for us.
Life can change on a dime.
Things can happen and sometimesthat can feel really anxiety
provoking to people, but it'salso the truth.
Life can change on a dime.
The constant is change.
We are living on a creativeplanet that is evolving around
(13:42):
us.
We are evolving with it fromthe moment we come out of the
womb to the moment that we passthrough the other side.
We are in a constant process ofchange.
So change is the constant.
So life is going to do its lifething.
And when we predicate our senseof well-being or our sense of
peace on predictables, then weare really limiting our ability
(14:06):
to experience peace andchallenge ourselves to how do I
create peace and uncertainty?
How do I create effective toolsthat work for me so I can stay
centered, even when life ischanging around me and
unknowables or unpredictablescome through.
How do I develop an attitude ofcuriosity, self-forgiveness,
(14:29):
adventure, self-discovery,wearing the world more loosely
and finding ways to laugh at howabsurd it can be, finding ways
to laugh at myself, not takingmyself so seriously?
We have the capacity to growthose tools inside of us, to
(14:49):
develop those mindsets.
We don't have to stay and fixmindsets.
That says that life should looka certain way and we should
look a certain way in life.
We can find ways to giveourselves more grace when we
challenge ourselves to do so,ways to give ourselves more
grace when we challengeourselves to do so.
So having that mentalflexibility and space to hold
room for all of our complexitiesis so fundamental.
We can say I'm working on beinga good human and I am working
(15:13):
on growing and being my bestself, and some days I have days
that feel really stuck, or Itake a few steps back and I
choose to see it as progressanyways.
I choose to see all of it aspart of my journey and part of
steps back and I choose to seeit as progress anyways.
I choose to see all of it aspart of my journey and part of
my growth.
I choose to see value in all ofmy experiences, even the ones
that I might not like.
I choose to believe that it'spart of my soul becoming and
(15:35):
part of the experiences that Icame here to have as a soul.
I choose to see it asopportunities to learn something
new about myself or the world,or about love.
I choose to see it and whateverlight we want to see it in, we
are able to develop that insideof us.
And so when we have this mentalflexibility and we can hold
(15:56):
space for both and I think itreally helps us claim our right
to peace right now, contentmentright now, joy right now, or
whatever it is that we areseeking it helps us to step into
that energy and say I'm goingto embody this right now.
I can be working on changingthings in my life, I can be
(16:16):
working on bettering some things.
If I don't like mycircumstances, and I can see the
value and choose to feel goodwith where I'm at right now.
So that kind of thinking reallyhelps us hold more space for
life's complexities.
It helps us feel betterequipped to deal with life's
complexities when they come ourway.
(16:38):
It allows us to releaseexpectations that things have to
look a certain way and insteadbe more expansive in how we
think about life.
And we want that energy rightnow, at a time where there is so
much change happening on theplanet and so many
transformative possibilities.
(16:59):
We see them happening in theexternal world, the world of
humans and what's happening onthe surface, and many of us that
are tuned into energies andcosmic cycles and all of that
fun juicy spiritual stuff.
We know that things aretransforming, that there are
things that are shifting andopening, that new energies are
(17:20):
coming in, are things that areshifting and opening, that new
energies are coming in.
And so we want to be able towork with transformative
possibilities.
We want to allow ourselves tobe more fluid.
We want to allow ourselves tohave creative courage and the
capacity to adapt.
We want to take on thearchetype of being the soul
traveler, the soul on a journey,who's just having all these
(17:43):
experiences without necessarilyhaving to attach to our
experiences, needing to look acertain way.
The more we do that, the moreit supports us and being fluid
and malleable.
And when we feel stuck andsomething really big happens or
something feels high stakes tous and we have a huge feeling, a
(18:05):
huge life experience attachedto that.
That's okay.
We're asked to attach as wellon our journey.
We attach our hearts in orderto learn about love, we care
about stuff and we have thingsthat are vital and important to
us.
So the idea of this isn't tomove through all of it with no
attachment at all.
It's just to find ways to workwith life as it happens so we
(18:28):
can keep staying adaptable andnot get stuck.
And when we're able to say, wow,I'm really upset about this and
I don't know how I'm going tomake it through and I choose to
believe I'm going to be okay, Ichoose to still believe that
there's some hope on the otherside.
I choose to believe I have thecapacity to transform.
(18:50):
When we do that, instead ofresisting feeling states that
feel hard or challenging for us,we embrace them, but we embrace
them in a very adaptive way, sowe don't limit our vision and
get stuck in them.
We choose to hold space thatlife can still expand around us,
even if we're going throughsomething challenging and we
(19:12):
can't see the way through.
And when we do that, we areable to create so much more
emotional space, so much moremental space and spiritual and
psychic space inside of us tohold room for life's
complexities and feel morepeaceful as life's complexities
(19:32):
happen.
We are less likely to attach anegative judgment to life doing
its life thing.
We are less likely to takethings personally that we don't
necessarily need to takepersonally.
They're not happening to us,they're just happening because
it's part of life.
(20:01):
Move through challenges withmore equanimity, with more peace
, a little bit more play andtrying to find a way to flip it
a little bit and say, well, thisis just one moment in many
moments that I'm going to have.
I can choose to see it as justone pen prick and the bigger
canvas of the story of my lifeand I can find perspective in
that.
I can find ways to both attachand let go.
I can find ways to care deeplyabout my life and deeply about
(20:26):
the people and experiences andthe moments in my life, and I
can take a step back and realizethat it's all part of my
greater journey of soul.
Part of my greater journey ofsoul.
I can grieve and I can be angryand I can be in the weeds and I
can find a ladder and climb onup to the clouds and look down
(20:47):
on things and find a higherperspective and find a little
bit of peace.
I can hold space for all of myexperiences of self and in that
space find peace in the nuance.
I want to close today with apassage from Small Pearls, big
Wisdom, called Brambles andRoses, and this is actually in
(21:08):
the grief section, so it isfocused on grief, but I think
the principle holds true forlife and life's challenges, and
not just the experience of grief, brambles and Roses there is
always joy among the sorrow androses among the brambles.
Our emotional experience isn'trelegated to just one thing when
(21:31):
it comes to loss.
It is relegated to all emotionsjoined together by the word and
helping us hold both love andgrief side by side in our hearts
.
Part of grieving is the work ofclearing the brambles, pulling
them out in thorny lots anddealing with the pricks and
wounds where they've made usbleed, as we allow ourselves the
(21:53):
time and space to mend and heal.
Our roses are never any lesserfor the brambles, but we will
find that when we clear them out, the roses become even more
pristine, pure and distilled.
Our enjoyment of the rose isthat much more intense because
we know the stinging rub of thebrambles.
When you know the sting of thethorn, you learn to value the
(22:18):
roses with the ferocity ofgratitude that can only come
from learning about pain fromthe inside out.
Life's gifts become a testamentto grace when we have
experienced the knowledge of thewound.
Grief then becomes the catalystfor distilled joy.
Sorrow is a doorway to goodness.
(22:38):
For distilled joy, sorrow is adoorway to goodness.
The work of the heart in thisspace of loss is to acknowledge
all the beauty and all theugliness in this world.
Then join them together withthe and Thank you so much for
joining me today in this episodeof your Heart Magic.
I will be back next week withan all new episode.
(22:59):
In the meantime, as always,have a beautiful week, be good
to you, embrace the complexityof your experience and be well,
be love, be you and be magic.
Intro/Outro Music (23:17):
You've been listening to your Heart Magic
with dr bethan kapansky righttune in next week for a new
episode to support and empoweryour light.
Aloha and welcome to your Heart Magic, an
illuminating space wherepsychology, spirituality and
heart wisdom meet.
Here's your host, dr BethannKapansky-Wright.
Author, psychologist andspiritual educator.
Dr. BethAnne Kapansky Wri (00:32):
Aloha everybody, welcome to your
Heart Magic.
This is Dr BethannKapansky-Wright, and happy June
to you.
Today we are talking about theidea of holding space for
complexity in our lives andspecifically holding space for
the full of our experience, forboth sorrow and joy, beauty and
(00:55):
awfulness, happiness, and whenwe feel challenged and we're
struggling.
At the same time and this is alittle bit of a build on the
theme of Gemini season.
A couple episodes ago, in thearchetypes of Gemini episode, we
were talking about the ideathat life is both and that
Gemini offers us this invitationto bridge what might seem
(01:17):
dichotomous, what might seemlike it doesn't go together the
light and the shadow, thefeminine and the masculine, the
spiritual and the human and totake those two experiences that
can be really different andbuild a bridge between the two
of them so that we hold spacefor both of them and that when
(01:38):
we are able to develop themental and emotional capacity to
do that, we are supported inliving with more peace and the
nuance, with finding contentmentin life's complexities and
creating a set point inside ofourselves, inside of our nervous
system, inside of our abilityto ground and be centered within
(01:59):
ourselves, of creating a setpoint that is more calm and
peaceful and able to experiencewellness in life.
So I want to begin today withreading a really simple poem and
talking about a few conceptsrelated to the idea of holding
space for our emotional andexperiential complexities.
(02:21):
This poem was originallypublished in May of 2016, and
it's pretty short and it issimply called and.
And it's going to hurt a whilelonger and you're still going to
find beauty, and you're goingto break a little and you're
going to grow a great deal andyou're going to discover that
(02:45):
such is life Everything in thespectrum felt, live, experienced
as a whole, joined together bythe, and I originally published
that post on my blog, sunshinein Winter, back in May of 2016.
And I feel like it made its wayinto one of my books, but I
(03:08):
sure couldn't find which one.
I think it's published in myone book that I didn't check,
cranberry Desk, which is apoetry book that I published
back then and that is availableon Amazon, if you are a lover of
nature-inspired poems, and whenI was writing this poem, I was
actually in the car in Oregon,leaving Cannon Beach somewhere
(03:31):
on the road, and it was thisreally profound time in my life.
I've talked about quite a bitthat 2016 was the year that I
lost my brother, brent, and thisOregon trip was a trip to go
see my husband's family andduring the time there I was in
such an interesting space offeeling grief, just drinking in
(03:53):
the beauty of Oregon in thespring and the bright colors and
the flowers and the trees.
I had the idea for my griefbook Lamentations of the Sea
come through during that trip.
It literally came when I was onthis trail with these huge
giant trees they have this very,very ancient history and it was
(04:13):
on that tree-laden trail that Iwas hiking that I had this idea
to do the grief book and towrite it in such a way that I
just did a collection ofwritings on grief, as opposed to
this very formal chapter onethrough chapter whatever, and
telling a more linear narrative.
My idea was why don't you justput everything that you've done
(04:35):
on grief together in thiscollection?
And this idea for 111 passagescame through on that trail that
day and this is about fourmonths, four and a half months
after losing my brother, and soI was beginning to open back up
to life a little bit, but Istill felt pretty grief stricken
and my nervous system and myemotional system still felt
(04:57):
pretty pressed down upon.
I remember laughing and havingmoments of goodness, but I
didn't feel like myself.
I didn't feel like I had thatunfettered ability to feel good,
to feel joy.
I really felt like griefcreated this depression inside
of me.
And by depression I don't meanthe clinical sense of being in a
clinical depression, I meanlike being pressed down upon.
(05:20):
When something is pressed onand there's this hole or this
void or something inside of you,that's what it felt like.
And in that void, in that hole,a lot of the things that I
usually would have experiencedas goodness were just falling
right through.
I just could not feel them andI think my nervous system too
was just absolutely exhausted.
(05:41):
And when our nervous system isexhausted, when we have been
through anything that has reallytaxed us any kind of tragedy,
trauma, anything physically thathas just taken everything that
we've had in order to getthrough it, a lot of times the
intensity of emotion and theintensity of feeling joy or
goodness or beauty or some ofthose higher feeling states it's
(06:04):
really difficult to access them.
So I remember having theselittle flashes, these glimmers
of hope and joy and goodness,and opening back up and feeling
tired and weary of soul and alsofeeling hopeful again and
feeling that I was starting tohave creativity and books
stirring inside of me.
(06:24):
I was working on my bookFreebird Fridays and that had
come through at the time and Iwas just in this place of
appreciating life's complexitiesthat it's about, and it's about
the good and the bad and thejoy and the sorrow, and the
beauty and what's ugly andterrible and wonderful, and the
beauty and what's ugly andterrible and wonderful.
(06:45):
And since I had so viscerallylived that truth, I felt
inspired to write this littlepoem that sounds like such a
simple wisdom.
But even simple wisdoms can hitus in a really profound way
when we are in the middle ofexperiencing them and living
them, as opposed to justthinking about them or
regurgitating them because weread a quote somewhere, saw a
(07:06):
meme on Instagram or somethinglike that.
When we are experiencing alife's wisdom, it hits us in an
all new way.
That's why wisdom at its coreis extremely simple and it's
also incredibly complex and hardto embody.
We come back time and time againto many of the same lessons in
our lives and we learn them andtake them a little bit deeper.
(07:29):
We apply them in a more nuancedway than we did before.
So for me at that time,learning to hold space for all
of it and being like it's goingto keep hurting and it's going
to be beautiful and terrible andwonderful and you're going to
keep growing and you're probablygoing to fall apart more and
there's going to be good daysand bad days.
(07:50):
And it's all bridged by theword and was such a fundamental
and simple truth.
It's such a tiny little thingto apply to our lives to
remember that it's not one orthe other, it's both and.
And we were talking about thisin the archetype of Gemini
(08:10):
episode, where I suggested thejournaling prompt of just
sitting down in your journal andwriting out the contradictions
in your lives I'm struggling andI'm content, I am sad and I am
happy, I am restless and I'mfinding inner peace.
I am concerned or worried aboutwhatever it is, and I'm working
(08:34):
on feeling peaceful and feelingcentered and feeling supported.
It's all of those things.
It's not predicating our senseof goodness on what we might
feel are bad, challenging thingsbeing cleared up in our lives.
It is insisting on findinggoodness and also holding space
that life's challenges willprobably keep happening, because
(08:57):
that is just life, it's part ofthe human experience and it's
part of the world that we livein.
Right now.
There's not only a lot ofchallenges, but they're very in
our face because of the sheervelocity of information and
access to data, information thatwe have.
It's hard not to see and beaware of those things, and we
(09:17):
can keep bringing it back to thespace of ourselves and finding
what's good and beautiful andnoble and intentional and
purposeful and heartfelt and allof those good things in our
life.
So this is such a simple concept, but it's a really important
one and I think the idea ofbeing able to hold space for
both and helps us develop mentalflexibility.
(09:40):
This is a really important toolfor our mental health toolbox
the ability, when we findourselves falling into this
fixed thinking pattern or areally rigid thinking pattern,
or going to that place of likeeverything's terrible or
anything, that is, thisexaggerated sense of how life is
.
It is reminding ourselves oflike well, sometimes that's true
(10:02):
and life can still be beautifulthere is a flexibility and the
ability, I think, to createneural pathways that support
ourselves and having a widerlens, a wider perspective on
life.
That absolutely supports uswhen we are working on creating
a set point inside of ourselvesthat is balanced and that's
(10:25):
peaceful and that's centered.
We want that mental flexibility.
Mentally flexible people areable to adapt quicker, they tend
to be more resilient, they areable to find optimism or at
least neutrality.
I always feel that if I'm havingone of those days where I am in
(10:46):
the weeds and I'm having adifficult time focusing on
what's good, I will often say tomyself Bethann, can you at
least aim for neutrality?
If you can't feel good aboutthis, can you at least find a
way to take a step back and bein the observer role and try and
have neutral thoughts orpeaceful thoughts or be like
water and not necessarily attacha judgment to this situation,
(11:10):
just find that radicalacceptance, let it be what it is
.
Can you at least do that soyou're not nursing and feeding
on toxic negativity inside ofyou and seeding your mind and
your neural pathways with that?
So when we have that mentalflexibility we are much more
able to retain hope.
(11:30):
And if we can't find hope, ifwe can't find the optimism, if
we can't find what's good, thenat least we can aim for being
neutral and being like water andjust flowing and surrendering
and trying to find acceptancefor what is, without attaching
to it or trying to change it.
Something else that I reallylike about this mindset and the
(11:51):
idea of holding space for bothand is that I think it helps us
claim our right to be happy,claim our right to have a life
of purpose, claim our right toexperience joy, delight,
pleasure, whatever it is that wewant to claim our right to do.
I've never loved the idea thatwe have to predicate our
(12:13):
well-being on circumstancesbeing different.
There are times that we are notin good circumstances or we
face challenging circumstances.
I absolutely acknowledge that,and sometimes radical acceptance
is all we can find for it andwe can't paint it any other way
than what it is.
But oftentimes in life I dothink there's a way to reframe
(12:35):
our circumstances if we'refeeling discontent or feeling
feeling restless, are feelingunhappy about something, and
find a way to say yes, this isgoing on and I can cultivate
gratitude.
Anyways, I can look for what'sgood.
I can look at how was Isupported today, what went right
, what do I have that I mightfeel is a gift right now, or
(12:58):
something good that's going on.
I just hate to give my poweraway to life circumstances
because life is going to do itslife thing.
It's going on.
I just hate to give my poweraway to life circumstances
because life is going to do itslife thing, it's going to happen
and there's so many things thatare unpredictable and
uncontrollable, no matter howmuch we try and cultivate
serenity and cultivate liferoutine and events and really
(13:20):
create a life for ourself thatmaybe feel supportive and
whatever that means for us.
Life can change on a dime.
Things can happen and sometimesthat can feel really anxiety
provoking to people, but it'salso the truth.
Life can change on a dime.
The constant is change.
We are living on a creativeplanet that is evolving around
(13:42):
us.
We are evolving with it fromthe moment we come out of the
womb to the moment that we passthrough the other side.
We are in a constant process ofchange.
So change is the constant.
So life is going to do its lifething.
And when we predicate our senseof well-being or our sense of
peace on predictables, then weare really limiting our ability
(14:06):
to experience peace andchallenge ourselves to how do I
create peace and uncertainty?
How do I create effective toolsthat work for me so I can stay
centered, even when life ischanging around me and
unknowables or unpredictablescome through.
How do I develop an attitude ofcuriosity, self-forgiveness,
(14:29):
adventure, self-discovery,wearing the world more loosely
and finding ways to laugh at howabsurd it can be, finding ways
to laugh at myself, not takingmyself so seriously?
We have the capacity to growthose tools inside of us, to
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develop those mindsets.
We don't have to stay and fixmindsets.
That says that life should looka certain way and we should
look a certain way in life.
We can find ways to giveourselves more grace when we
challenge ourselves to do so,ways to give ourselves more
grace when we challengeourselves to do so.
So having that mentalflexibility and space to hold
room for all of our complexitiesis so fundamental.
We can say I'm working on beinga good human and I am working
(15:13):
on growing and being my bestself, and some days I have days
that feel really stuck, or Itake a few steps back and I
choose to see it as progressanyways.
I choose to see all of it aspart of my journey and part of
steps back and I choose to seeit as progress anyways.
I choose to see all of it aspart of my journey and part of
my growth.
I choose to see value in all ofmy experiences, even the ones
that I might not like.
I choose to believe that it'spart of my soul becoming and
(15:35):
part of the experiences that Icame here to have as a soul.
I choose to see it asopportunities to learn something
new about myself or the world,or about love.
I choose to see it and whateverlight we want to see it in, we
are able to develop that insideof us.
And so when we have this mentalflexibility and we can hold
(15:56):
space for both and I think itreally helps us claim our right
to peace right now, contentmentright now, joy right now, or
whatever it is that we areseeking it helps us to step into
that energy and say I'm goingto embody this right now.
I can be working on changingthings in my life, I can be
(16:16):
working on bettering some things.
If I don't like mycircumstances, and I can see the
value and choose to feel goodwith where I'm at right now.
So that kind of thinking reallyhelps us hold more space for
life's complexities.
It helps us feel betterequipped to deal with life's
complexities when they come ourway.
(16:38):
It allows us to releaseexpectations that things have to
look a certain way and insteadbe more expansive in how we
think about life.
And we want that energy rightnow, at a time where there is so
much change happening on theplanet and so many
transformative possibilities.
(16:59):
We see them happening in theexternal world, the world of
humans and what's happening onthe surface, and many of us that
are tuned into energies andcosmic cycles and all of that
fun juicy spiritual stuff.
We know that things aretransforming, that there are
things that are shifting andopening, that new energies are
(17:20):
coming in, are things that areshifting and opening, that new
energies are coming in.
And so we want to be able towork with transformative
possibilities.
We want to allow ourselves tobe more fluid.
We want to allow ourselves tohave creative courage and the
capacity to adapt.
We want to take on thearchetype of being the soul
traveler, the soul on a journey,who's just having all these
(17:43):
experiences without necessarilyhaving to attach to our
experiences, needing to look acertain way.
The more we do that, the moreit supports us and being fluid
and malleable.
And when we feel stuck andsomething really big happens or
something feels high stakes tous and we have a huge feeling, a
(18:05):
huge life experience attachedto that.
That's okay.
We're asked to attach as wellon our journey.
We attach our hearts in orderto learn about love, we care
about stuff and we have thingsthat are vital and important to
us.
So the idea of this isn't tomove through all of it with no
attachment at all.
It's just to find ways to workwith life as it happens so we
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can keep staying adaptable andnot get stuck.
And when we're able to say, wow,I'm really upset about this and
I don't know how I'm going tomake it through and I choose to
believe I'm going to be okay, Ichoose to still believe that
there's some hope on the otherside.
I choose to believe I have thecapacity to transform.
(18:50):
When we do that, instead ofresisting feeling states that
feel hard or challenging for us,we embrace them, but we embrace
them in a very adaptive way, sowe don't limit our vision and
get stuck in them.
We choose to hold space thatlife can still expand around us,
even if we're going throughsomething challenging and we
(19:12):
can't see the way through.
And when we do that, we areable to create so much more
emotional space, so much moremental space and spiritual and
psychic space inside of us tohold room for life's
complexities and feel morepeaceful as life's complexities
(19:32):
happen.
We are less likely to attach anegative judgment to life doing
its life thing.
We are less likely to takethings personally that we don't
necessarily need to takepersonally.
They're not happening to us,they're just happening because
it's part of life.
(20:01):
Move through challenges withmore equanimity, with more peace
, a little bit more play andtrying to find a way to flip it
a little bit and say, well, thisis just one moment in many
moments that I'm going to have.
I can choose to see it as justone pen prick and the bigger
canvas of the story of my lifeand I can find perspective in
that.
I can find ways to both attachand let go.
I can find ways to care deeplyabout my life and deeply about
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the people and experiences andthe moments in my life, and I
can take a step back and realizethat it's all part of my
greater journey of soul.
Part of my greater journey ofsoul.
I can grieve and I can be angryand I can be in the weeds and I
can find a ladder and climb onup to the clouds and look down
(20:47):
on things and find a higherperspective and find a little
bit of peace.
I can hold space for all of myexperiences of self and in that
space find peace in the nuance.
I want to close today with apassage from Small Pearls, big
Wisdom, called Brambles andRoses, and this is actually in
(21:08):
the grief section, so it isfocused on grief, but I think
the principle holds true forlife and life's challenges, and
not just the experience of grief, brambles and Roses there is
always joy among the sorrow androses among the brambles.
Our emotional experience isn'trelegated to just one thing when
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it comes to loss.
It is relegated to all emotionsjoined together by the word and
helping us hold both love andgrief side by side in our hearts
.
Part of grieving is the work ofclearing the brambles, pulling
them out in thorny lots anddealing with the pricks and
wounds where they've made usbleed, as we allow ourselves the
(21:53):
time and space to mend and heal.
Our roses are never any lesserfor the brambles, but we will
find that when we clear them out, the roses become even more
pristine, pure and distilled.
Our enjoyment of the rose isthat much more intense because
we know the stinging rub of thebrambles.
When you know the sting of thethorn, you learn to value the
(22:18):
roses with the ferocity ofgratitude that can only come
from learning about pain fromthe inside out.
Life's gifts become a testamentto grace when we have
experienced the knowledge of thewound.
Grief then becomes the catalystfor distilled joy.
Sorrow is a doorway to goodness.
(22:38):
For distilled joy, sorrow is adoorway to goodness.
The work of the heart in thisspace of loss is to acknowledge
all the beauty and all theugliness in this world.
Then join them together withthe and Thank you so much for
joining me today in this episodeof your Heart Magic.
I will be back next week withan all new episode.
(22:59):
In the meantime, as always,have a beautiful week, be good
to you, embrace the complexityof your experience and be well,
be love, be you and be magic.
Intro/Outro Music (23:17):
You've been listening to your Heart Magic
with dr bethan kapansky righttune in next week for a new
episode to support and empoweryour light.
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