Transformations of the Sun: Finding Courage in Life's Transitions

Episode Transcript
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Intro/Outro Music (00:13):
Aloha and welcome to your Heart Magic, an
illuminating space wherepsychology, spirituality and
heart wisdom meet.
Here's your host, dr BethannKapansky-Wright.
Author, psychologist andspiritual educator.

Dr. BethAnne Kapansky Wri (00:35):
Aloha everybody.
Welcome to your Heart Magic.
This is Dr BethannKapansky-Wright, and we have a
Talk Storytime episode todaywhere I'm going to be sharing a
few passages from one of mybooks.
Transformations of the Sun isthe selection I've chosen today
and just reflecting in a candidway on some of the writing.

(00:55):
When I do Talk Storytimeepisodes on your Heart Magic,
they're never super planned outor scripted.
That's part of the fun of themis just reading and sharing what
it sparks in me, and I neverquite know what's going to come
out.
Something that I usually do isgroup whatever passages around

(01:15):
some kind of a theme, and today,everything that I've chosen to
share has to do with the themeof personal transformation and
trusting the process and thosetimes in life where we are no
longer who or where we once were.
We're stepping into somethingnew or going through some kind
of a change and we don't knowwhat's coming.

(01:36):
We don't know what it's goingto look like on the other side,
and so we're invited to not justthink about the words trust the
process, but to embody thosewords and to truly learn what it
means to trust our own processof change.
I think when we have thosemoments where we are going
through something, it's such anopportunity to see all the ways

(01:58):
we try and control or hang on tocontrol or want to know what's
going to come next or what it'sgoing to look like.
For myself at least, I foundthat when I am going through
anything that feels deeplytransformative, it's so
psychologically uncomfortablebecause I'm no longer
understanding myself in the waythat I once was, or perhaps

(02:20):
something has changed in my lifeand I'm working on letting go
of it and I miss thatpredictability, that certitude
that came with whatever it waswhen it was in one form.
And so in that discomfort, Iwill start to see all the teeny,
tiny ways that I might try andbargain with the process and try

(02:42):
and figure out what it's goingto look like or regain a sense
of control.
And I always suggest, whenwe're going through a change
process, that it's helpful tohave tiny anchors, little
measurable things that areactually within our control,
like having coffee or tea out ofthe same mug and having a

(03:03):
little to-do list, so thatthere's a sense of moving the
needle forward in our lives andhaving something that we have a
sense of efficacy around.
I think it is important to feellike we're hanging on to
something that gives us a senseof being able to still have some
knowables, but the greaterprocess the river beneath the

(03:24):
river truly is one of surrenderand letting go and allowing
whatever alchemy is happening ona soul level to take place.
So the whole bookTransformations of the Sun was
written when I was going throughthat time in my life.
I started this book on Kauai,but a lot of the writing from it
took place in 2017 to 2018.

(03:46):
And it covers this time in mylife where I was leaving Alaska,
moving to Kauai and reallydisidentifying is that even a
word?
Unidentifying Shedding this oldidentity of who I no longer was
, how I'd understood myself inmy Alaska life, and coming over
here where I now live with thisblank slate feeling of who will

(04:09):
I be here?
Why have I been called here?
What does my soul want me tolearn?
What will I become?
I had so many unknowables and Ilook back now and I think, wow,
that was so brave.
It's hard to imagine, eventhough I lived it, going through
something like that, but that'sokay because it was meant to
happen at that time in my life.

(04:30):
I am at a different life stagenow and so, even though I'm sure
there's plenty of change andtransformation ahead.
This capture such a unique timein my life that truly felt
unrepeatable, and I knew it atthe time.
I knew it at the time.
I knew it.
I would sometimes have thesemoments, especially the first
six months on the island, whereI would have this like

(04:52):
realization and be like Bethann,you're never going to do this
again, where you basically startover in this big of a way and
follow this dream in your heart,like you're probably never
going to do something like this,where you've just left it all
behind and started afresh.
And so it was this huge change,and I'm grateful that I

(05:15):
captured some of it in words.
There's so much wisdom, I think, in the voice of those younger
years.
So the first passage I want toshare is a poem, and it's
passage 12 in this book, andit's called In Between.
No longer the person I used tobe, not quite the one I'm
stepping into, I find myselfsomewhere in between, broken but

(05:38):
not irreparably damaged.
I slowly unwrap, unlace, unbind.
The more I let go, the more Iheal, and the more I heal, the
more I find myself free togrieve what was lost, what's
been found, who I was, who I'llbe.
The new moon peers out againsther own darkness.

(06:00):
Dance of shadow, dance of light.
I stare at her black andtransition like she, then let
myself free fall into my ownchange, unforming, reforming,
transforming and then again,until my feet find new ground
with new pieces of me.

(06:20):
I wrote this back in March of2017, approximately.
It was right around that timeand I was still living in Alaska
and we were set to move to theisland in about three months,
and so everything was startingto come to a head, where the
house was getting prepped to goon the market.
In April, I was getting readyto wrap up my brick and mortar

(06:42):
practice.
Over the next few months, Itold everybody that we were
leaving.
We had all this stuff that wewere doing behind the scenes,
from the great unloading of thehouse and trying to get rid of
so many of our possessions, andhave that mental fatigue of
figuring out what really needsto come with us.
What can we leave behind, whatdo we do with the stuff left

(07:04):
behind, what gets donated, whatgets given away, what gets
thrown out, and the kinds ofthings that just make your mind
spin, and what I was finding isthat, with this big change
coming up.
I felt this sense of familiaritywith my life in Alaska, but I
also had such a hyper-awarenessthat I just no longer fit where

(07:24):
I was at.
And it was such a strangefeeling, such a strange essence
to hold that and I had such ahard time putting it into words
with people.
I remember somebody saying tome like you're leaving in June,
why would you leave in June?
These are the best months inAlaska.
Why not leave at the end of thesummer?
Why miss the summer months?
Why not have one more summer?

(07:45):
And I tried to tell them youdon't understand.
I have to go.
There's nothing here for me now.
Yes, I could stick around andenjoy one last summer, but I
think it would fall really flat,even with the beauty, because I
have to follow this thing in me.
My time here is done.
And I knew it.
I knew it to my bone marrow andI had a very difficult time

(08:09):
just telling that to people andto translate it in a way that I
felt it was understood and now Iwould say, well, that's okay.
It really wasn't for otherpeople to understand.
It was my journey to understandand to go through
self-actualization and findingmyself in new ways and to claim
and own myself and meet unmetparts of me and all the amazing

(08:32):
things that happened duringthose first few years.
That was my soul work.
But I think when we're goingthrough change we look for that
validation or understanding fromsomebody else that if they
could perhaps mirror back ourexperience and say I see what
you're doing, I get it thatsomehow that might give us more
permission or maybe give us amissing piece somehow to

(08:56):
ourselves that helps us feelmore fomented in our decision
and more confirmation that we'removing in the right direction.
And so when we don'tnecessarily get that and we have
to hold our own hand through achange, that is an emotionally
harrowing experience.
It's really hard and certainlytriggers a lot of insecurities.

(09:19):
But I also think it's sobeautiful because the invitation
there is to step into ourrelationship with our heart
magic, our spiritual connection,our soulful voice, truly
listening to ourself.
And when we have to own ourchoice because it's not
necessarily something thateverybody else understands

(09:39):
there's a lot of potential powerthere that helps us know this
truly is the right thing for meto do so.
The next passage I want to shareis called the Wild Unknown.
Also from Transformations ofthe Sun.
It takes courage to allowyourself to be vulnerable and
sink into your own space ofchange, to let the silk cocoon

(10:01):
of the unknown wrap around youfor as long as you need, until
it falls away and you see yourpath with clarity.
Most people fear this space anddo what they can to avoid it.
They try and hit, rewind,reboot, reset and make things
return to the way they used tobe.
Even the body respondsdifferently in this space, as

(10:23):
the nervous system searches forcertainty and something to
anchor itself to.
Anxiety and fear are easycompanions to find here.
I think of this space as thewild unknown and liken it to
being dropped off in a spiritualwilderness and being forced to
find your path.
Trusting your soul to help younavigate in the dark, trusting

(10:46):
that the right supports willcome along at the right time,
trusting that you have beencalled here for a reason and
that you will be given invisibleguides who help you along the
way.
Trusting, trusting, trusting.
Some days you're in awe of thevast beauty surrounding you.
There is so much space forgrowth and room to stretch out

(11:07):
and explore and you start torealize that learning to
navigate by starlight is a gift.
Other days, you realize howscary it is to feel so alone in
uncharted territory, and youwork to calm the mental chatter
that tells you to turn back,realizing that there is no going
back, there is only movingforward.

(11:29):
Most days, though, you aren'tquite sure how to feel, caught
somewhere between who you oncewere and who you are becoming,
and so you try and let your bodyand heart feel whatever they
need to feel, and reassureyourself that, although the soul
process may feel invisible, itis very real and you can trust

(11:49):
it.
It is your own soul, after all.
Remember that you have not beencalled to the wild unknown in
vain, and you have universeswithin that will help you find
your way through.
And so you trek across some newterrain, finding new ground and
new gifts on the journey youdidn't realize existed until you

(12:10):
arrived in that space.
Trusting, the divinity in yoursoul knows exactly what it is
doing, even if your human mindcan't always see the full
picture.
Trusting your internal compassto lead you where you need to go
.
Trusting you are never alone,even when it feels like it.
Trusting, trusting, trusting.

(12:33):
It's amazing to me howchallenging it can be to trust
when we are following a callingin our soul, following a voice
inside that says you need to gothis way.
And what often happens is inthe moment when we're making a
decision, it feels so certain,we can feel it like in our blood

(12:54):
that this is the right thing todo.
And we have that sense ofcertainty and sometimes, when
that's happening, I thinkthere's almost this energetic
amplification going on.
We might have some angels orspirit extra close to us,
helping our choice reallyresonate deep within.
Sometimes it feels like ourhigher self descends and merges

(13:15):
with us for a moment and saysthis is the direction we're
going now.
And so we have this bravery orthis courage at times and we
point our compass, our needle,in a direction and say I am
going this way.
And then what we so often findis that that certitude was a
feeling state.
It doesn't mean it was false,but a lot of times our courage

(13:37):
begins to desert us, or thatboldness can desert us, or we
think we've made a wrong turnand we start to question, or
things are not going the waythat we thought they were, and
so we think we somehow missedthe path.
All these different pieces comeup and they put doubt in us and
we think where was thecertainty that I had when I
first signed up for this?
Because I sure don't feel itnow and I'm starting to wonder

(14:01):
if I made a mistake and I missmy old me or the old certainty
in my life and I can't go backto that.
But I really don't know what todo with moving forward and,
like I wrote about in thatpassage, the opportunity to
really dig in and trust and tofind new skills and to meet a
part of ourself that we didn'tknow existed until we got to a

(14:24):
certain point in time and had tobe extra clever or resilient or
resourceful.
I often think that if somebodysaid here are the challenges
coming your way, that it wouldbe like, no, thank you, I can't
do those things.
I am so daunted by what laysahead and we might even try to
get a leg up on it andpre-prepare and do all the

(14:46):
things we needed to do to facewhatever it was that was coming.
And from a soul perspective,that's really not how it works
Oftentimes.
Our soul knows the truth thatwe'll have exactly what we need
in the moment and so we don'thave to worry about it until we
get there and we can trust thatin the moment we will have
whatever it is to draw on, tofigure it out and to find a new

(15:10):
gift or skill or talent or wayof being, to find a courage we
didn't know we'd had, to findthe strength to make it through
something.
And I think that it is abeautiful path to be in the wild
and know in and to unknowourselves in order to become a
fuller, authentic expression.
I also think, as I said earlier,it is deeply psychological and

(15:32):
comfortable and the nervoussystem doesn't like it.
How we understood ourselves andwhat we anchor ourselves into
feels really unfamiliar, kind oflike if you've ever ridden a
bike or gotten used to driving acertain car or maybe wearing a
certain pair of shoes to run inor walk in, and all of a sudden

(15:54):
you get something different andit doesn't quite fit right and
you don't know where everythingis.
It feels different on you andyou feel a little bit gangly or
like you can't quite navigatethis new vehicle, whatever form
that comes in.
And of course, over time youlearn to have the skills to move
just as effectively, if notmore so, in the new way of doing

(16:18):
things.
But when that first initialchange hits, it's so hard, and
it's something that I think wereally struggle with.
But part of the human journeyand part of what our soul is
here is to let ourselves learnto grow and to do new things,
and so the soul rejoices in thestruggle.
Perhaps the human mind doesn't,but the soul knows that from

(16:42):
great grappling comes a new wayof being, that the tension of
going back and forth, ofwrestling with something that
what comes from that is often adeep wisdom or something that is
coming from an extremelyauthentic place inside of
ourselves, because we really hadto work to find it, and so I

(17:02):
think the soul rejoices in that,and it can be hard for our
human mind to grasp.
We have time for one more poemtoday, and so I'm going to share
this before I close.
It's called Submergence and itspeaks to the themes we've been
talking about.
What I really like best aboutthis one is the imagery, and I
love working with colors in mywork.

(17:24):
Sometimes I love putting namesof colors.
Sometimes I'll do crystals,definitely elements of nature.
I really love that vividimagery, and so this one makes
fun use of colors to speak tothe change process.
Submergence, unravelings happen,so we can knit ourselves back
into new shapes and hue Red yarn, yellow yarn, blue yarn, gray

(17:49):
yarn.
We change tone and mood andskin as we shed the old to
embrace the new, shed the old toembrace the new.
The soul has a process all itsown, the heart, a wisdom only
accessed through sense and feeland color.
Obsidian lines mix withcalcite's light, breakthrough

(18:09):
found through allowing ourselvesto sink and go under, diving
the deep, diving the deep,embracing our mysteries.
Submergence becomes our soulblood's necessity.
We can't become more if wecling to who we used to be,
knitting new seams out of waterydreams, the dark guides towards

(18:31):
new truth and clarity,rearranging our colors into the
person we are meant to be.
Thank you so much for joiningme on the podcast today.
I will be back next week with anew your Heart Magic.
In the meantime, have awonderful week embracing

(18:52):
wherever you're at in life atthis time and trusting the
process and allowing it tounfold.
And, as always, be well, belove, be you and be magic.

Intro/Outro Music (19:08):
You've been listening to your Heart Magic
with Dr Bethann Kapansky-Wright.
Tune in next week for a newepisode to support and empower
your light.

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