May 15, 2025 • 26 mins
The paradox of human existence reveals itself most clearly in our relationship with change. Despite living on a planet where transformation is constant, where we ourselves evolve from infancy through adulthood and beyond, we resist letting go with surprising tenacity. This resistance often stems not from attachment to what we're holding, but fear of the unknown that follows release.
Drawing from her books and personal experiences, Dr. Bethann explores the nuanced art of letting go through contemplative questions that help us understand our own resistance. "What am I gaining by holding on? Who would I be without this? What am I afraid will happen if I let this go?" These gentle inquiries create space for self-discovery without judgment, allowing us to recognize patterns that keep us clinging to what no longer serves us.
Key talking points include:
• We are hardwired for change yet naturally resist it out of fear of the unknown
• Letting go happens in degrees - sometimes subtly, sometimes dramatically
• Questions like "What am I gaining by holding on?" can help us understand our resistance
• Grief represents a unique form of letting go that follows its own timeline
• When something dies within us through release, something new is always reborn
• Trust the process of "unbecoming to become" as we shed old identities
• Find joy in the unknown by remembering that love is the thread guiding us through change
Ready to explore what might be waiting on the other side of release? This episode invites you to trust the process of "unbecoming to become" as you navigate your own journey of letting go. Share your experiences with release and transformation—what have you let go of that created space for something beautiful to enter your life?
Join us next week for an all-new episode of Your Heart Magic and more psychology, spirituality, storytelling, and heart wisdom.
--
Your Heart Magic is a space where heart wisdom, spirituality, and psychology meet. Enjoy episodes centered on mental health, spirituality, personal growth, healing, and well-being. Featured as one of the best Heart Energy and Akashic Records Podcasts in 2024 by PlayerFM and Globally Ranked in the top 5% in Listen Notes.
Dr. BethAnne Kapansky Wright is a Licensed Psychologist, Spiritual Educator, and Akashic Records Reader. She is the author of Small Pearls Big Wisdom, the Award-Winning Lamentations of the Sea, its sequels, and several books of poetry. A psychologist with a mystic mind, she weaves perspectives from both worlds to offer holistic wisdom.
FIND DR. BETHANNE ONLINE:
BOOKS- www.bethannekw.com/books
FACEBOOK - www.facebook.com/drbethannekw
INSTAGRAM - www.instagram.com/dr.bethannekw
WEBSITE - www.bethannekw.com
CONTACT FORM - www.bethannekw.com/contact<
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Intro/Outro Music (00:13):
Aloha and welcome to your Heart Magic, an
illuminating space wherepsychology, spirituality and
heart wisdom meet.
Here's your host, dr BethannKapansky-Wright.
Author, psychologist andspiritual educator.
Dr. BethAnne Kapansky Wri (00:33):
Aloha everybody, welcome to your
Heart Magic.
This is Dr BethannKapansky-Wright, and today we
have a talk story time episodewhere I'm going to be sharing
some passages from my books andjust talking off the cuff about
some of the ideas that comethrough when I share them with
(00:53):
you.
I love diving into behind thescenes on my writing and
whenever I do a Talk Storytimeepisode, I always pick a central
theme, and today the theme isletting go, and this was
inspired by the fact that Iopened the book and just asked
the universe help me find thetopic, the theme that wants to
(01:14):
be shared today.
And it opened to this passage.
That was all about letting goand I thought, oh, that feels
lovely.
I feel like it's a reallyrelevant topic for all of us.
We are always in a state ofletting go, whether we know it
or not, and shutting andreleasing.
And then for the month of Maywe are having the Scorpio full
(01:34):
moon.
That's coming up this weekend,so it will have passed by the
time this episode comes out, butit is full moon energies.
That's all about transformationand release, psychological
insight, diving into our psycheand subconscious and emotional
waters and finding newperspectives.
And, of course, when we findnew perspectives and we find new
(01:59):
insights and treasures of self.
Usually what comes along withthat is an invitation to release
something or change somethingand let go of a skin we were
wearing that didn't quite fitanymore, or shed an idea.
Sometimes it's an identity.
Letting go happens in verysmall ways, where we don't
(02:22):
always notice that it's going on, and sometimes it happens in
these huge, revelatory wayswhere we obviously have a sense
that we are in the middle ofchange.
So I'm opening today withsharing a passage from Small
Pearls, big Wisdom, and this iscalled Questions for Letting Go.
It's the one that I opened toearlier when I asked the
(02:45):
universe what should I talkabout on the podcast.
So we are going to start theretoday.
How do we help ourselves when werealize we are clinging to
something and we need to let go?
How do we begin to create spaceand loosen our attachment?
A good place to start is bystaying curious and
(03:06):
investigating our experience tofind insight into why we feel
stuck.
If we start to understand ourhesitations, motivations, fears
and other unconscious patterns,we can find new awareness.
We begin to see what's blockingus and how we might be holding
ourselves back from experiencinggreater freedom and peace of
(03:28):
heart.
This supports us in making moreconscious choices to help us
find a way to begin to let goFor times of stuckness.
Here are a few questions thatmight feel helpful to use as
contemplation tools andjournaling prompts to better
understand your dynamics andfind new insight.
(03:49):
What am I gaining by holding onto this?
What is stopping me fromletting go?
Who would I be without this?
What am I afraid will happen ifI let this go?
How would it change me if Ididn't have this in my life?
How might it feel if I were tolet this go?
(04:10):
Stay curious.
Start digging deep.
Start finding your truth byfiguring out what is driving you
to hold on so hard.
Begin figuring out where youfeel stuck and take small steps
towards softening your grip,doing release work and
surrendering your attachment.
As we work on loosening justone knot of our attachments, we
(04:33):
find that other things that havebeen feeling knotted shift as
well.
We begin to feel more open, westart to see our way through
what has held us back fromrelease and feel more empowered
to keep choosing new space.
You know it's interesting, as Iwas reading that it always
(04:53):
strikes me one that we live on aplanet of change.
Change is the constant and weresist it so much.
It's such a strange paradox ofbeing human.
We're built for change, we'rehardwired for it.
We are creative beings, weevolve in our own self and we
evolve throughout our lifespan.
(05:14):
We evolve developmentally frombeing a baby to growing up, to
becoming elderly, to goingthrough death and dying and
losing this form, and thencrossing over into the mysteries
and into the afterlife.
And so we are built for change.
We are constantly changing, theplanet is changing around us,
(05:35):
and for so many of us, the ideaof letting go is so hard.
And I think it's because wesometimes have a sense of what
we're ready to let go of, or ourideas of what we want to let go
of, as if we can control theletting go process.
And so I think that's part ofwhat's so scary about it that
when we realize we're holding onreally tightly to something and
(05:58):
that we need to loosen our gripand let go, there's this fear
of what if I have to give upthis thing entirely?
What if I have to give up otherthings?
Who might I be without this?
There's something about theunknowing and knowing that once
we let that domino start tippingand it starts tipping into all
these other dominoes.
(06:18):
We don't know where they'regoing to land.
Right, we can't control theprocess, we can't control change
, we can't control developmentand who we're going to become.
We can point our hearts in theright direction, we can invoke
spiritual support and say I'mabout to loosen my grip and I'm
terrified and I don't know whatI'm doing or where I'm going or
how this is going to work out.
(06:39):
So please help me every stepalong the way, please support me
.
We can do all of those thingsso that we feel supported and
nourished in the process.
But ultimately we can't go tosomebody, even somebody who's
incredibly psychically gifted,and say what happens if I let go
, and could you give me apicture and a guarantee of what
(07:00):
the future is going to look like?
And it just doesn't work likethat.
Sometimes we have to jump, wehave to release, we have to
loosen our attachment, and we'reabsolutely terrified to or we
don't realize that we're stuckand we're in denial about it,
and so we won't even begin toask ourselves those questions or
we avoid those questions.
(07:20):
We might know that we need to,but we don't want to do too much
digging because we might feel,if I start to pull at the
threads that are holding thistogether, this whole thing might
unravel.
And there are times in our lifewhere we might feel that we are
balancing on the cusp ofsomething or not in a place for
(07:40):
a huge letting go.
I absolutely respect that.
I think that's very true.
Sometimes the universe mightforce our hand and it will
happen anyways.
But one of the reasons when Iwrote this passage, that I wrote
these questions to ask ourself,was this more gentle
examination of just beingcurious about the letting go
(08:01):
process and allowing oneself tocontemplate the possibility.
It can't hurt to think about it.
It can't hurt to gently saywhat am I so attached to?
What am I afraid of?
What are my fears here?
What's good about this?
Is there something that I stilllike or something that I am
connected to and I don't want tolose that?
(08:23):
I want to let go of this onepiece, but I really want to make
sure I hang on to this piece.
That's good, and I'm afraid ifI release this one hand, the
other is going to let go as well.
Just being curious andcompassionate in our process
Sometimes, when we are goingthrough letting go and going
through release.
It's not always dramatic ashaving to sever something
entirely.
(08:43):
I've often found that lettinggo happens in degrees and shades
and if we ever reach a placewhere it's big, dramatic change,
we might look back and saythere was so many pieces along
the way that I graduallyloosened my grip and that
finally allowed me to get tothis place where I was able to
(09:04):
walk away from this or releaseit entirely.
So we don't have to be afraidto ask ourselves these questions
.
And that leads me to my nextpassage, because this is about
letting go, but it's also abouthanging on.
And to give a context to this,I wrote this.
It's in Lamentations of the Sea, and Lamentations is the grief
(09:25):
book I wrote immediately afterlosing my brother Brent.
It came out about almost on theyear anniversary of losing him,
and so a lot of the passages inhere were written in the first
nine months.
So they were written in a placewhere I was still in the
trenches of grief and it was sotender and close to my heart.
(09:46):
I was living the process ofletting go.
It was forced change, right?
Losing Brent was this forcedchange?
I had no control over it Oneminute.
I had a brother and I had asibling, and the next minute I
didn't, and it happened thatfast with him.
I've shared it on the podcastbefore.
But he had a blood clot thatbroke off and so it happened
that fast with him.
I've shared it on the podcastbefore.
But he had a blood clot thatbroke off and so it really was
(10:07):
this instantaneous loss and itwas forced change.
But the emotional piece ofgrieving and choosing to let go,
choosing to go through thatprocess, that was something else
entirely that was on me andthat happens for each of us at
our own pace and time when weare going through grief.
So this is called Balloons andit's passage 96 from
(10:31):
Lamentations of the Sea.
As much as I'd like to be likethe proverbial girl in the
picture about to release thelast of her balloons, I have
never found release to be thiseasy.
Letting go of something doesn'ttake place in one fell swoop or
a single instance.
It happens in small bits andpieces, the time you cried it
(10:56):
out over there, the time you satwith your sad over here.
It happens in the quiet of yourwaking hours and it happens in
the deep of your subconscious asyou sleep.
It happens as you take bravesteps forward and it happens as
you create new memories to addto your timeline that help
(11:19):
soften the distance between theimmediacy of the things you're
trying to release.
It happens in giant bursts, insmall drops and all the
in-betweens where you findyourself just trying to do the
work of living life.
Letting go is a process and notan immediate one.
We are best served by releasingall expectations of time
(11:42):
constraints on when we shouldlet go.
25 years might pass and yourheart will still ache in that
same spot, reminding you howgreat the magnitude of
consequence that occupied thatplace.
So hold those balloons for aslong as you need and only
release when you know good andwell it is time We'll let go.
(12:05):
When we let go and only if it'sright for our heart.
There are some things we'remeant to keep forever, some
loves that run so deep they areeternally bound.
A couple things came through asI was reading that passage.
One of them is I have been thegirl in the picture with the
balloons and I'm going to tellthat story in a moment, but
(12:28):
before I dive into that memory,I wanted to share that I think
grief is a different layer andlevel of letting go.
There's no rhyme or reason towhat we hold on to.
You can find people that arestuck in so many ways or hanging
on to something that somebodyelse could easily let go of.
(12:49):
So there's not some hierarchyor it's easier to let go of this
versus this.
But I do think when it comes tolosing a loved one, losing a
beloved animal companion, losingsomebody that has passed over
onto the other side they've diedand they're no longer here, but
(13:09):
we're here.
I think that is a differentexperience with letting go, and
part of how I reconciled myexperience of grief is not being
black and white about it.
It's not like you have this bigrelease and all the sudden
things are healed.
It's more that we keep movingforward.
While we grieve, we keepreleasing something it could be
(13:34):
something that belonged to themand clearing space.
It could be freeing up a littlebit more room in our heart and
letting go of something that wasan attachment to them so that
we can step into a new space ofself.
It could be letting go of angeror bargaining or some of the
(13:54):
feelings that we've held on towith our grief and moving into
more of a space of acceptance.
But I've often written about howthere's some part of me that
will always be unpeaceable withthe fact that he's gone, and I
think that's true.
I think that the majority of mehas acceptance, and just has
(14:15):
this radical acceptance of thisis what happened, and I've been
living with it now for nineyears.
So I've been living with it fora while, but a little bit like
the yin and the yang.
There's this dot in me thatfeels like my younger self and
she feels a little bit more likethis is unacceptable and I am
not okay with this and I justcan't believe this happened and
(14:37):
I had to make space that somepart of myself, some part of my
psyche, some part of my traumafrom that might just feel stuck
and that I can choose torecognize that and love on it
and be peaceful with it.
I don't have to force lettinggo to look like anything.
I can make space for allexperiences of self, and so when
(14:59):
I wrote that passage balloonsit was this permission to be
where you're at when you'regoing through a very painful
letting go and going throughgrief or something that has
really caused you to say I don'tknow that I can do this, I'm
forced to let go of it, but Idon't know if I can and to say
like there's no time limit toany of this.
(15:21):
You get to work at your own pace.
You get to figure out what thislooks like for you.
You get to be in charge of yourown narrative around letting go
and narrate your story and yourlife and find perspective that
works for you.
You get to do all of that.
There's nothing forced here.
So give yourself permission tohonor whatever it is that you
(15:45):
feel, and please don't rush thatprocess.
If somebody tells you you needto move on and you're not ready
to listen to your heart on that,you'll know.
You'll know when you're readyto release a little bit more,
you'll figure it out.
You'll know what that steplooks like.
And if you're really, reallystuck and you don't know what it
looks like, that's when you askfor support from somebody that
(16:07):
is wise and trusted and can helpyou figure out what that step
looks like for you, but there'scertainly not a sense of false
pressure or timeline that needsto be attached to it.
As for my story about being thegirl with the balloons, years
ago in 2011, on the day that mydivorce was official and we'd
(16:28):
gone to court and signed thepaperwork and everything about
it was just awful.
I anybody who's been throughthat process perhaps it's a
relief and you were more atpeace.
But there's just so much aboutthat time that's just surreal
and sad and hard for me.
Even now, after all these years, when life has moved so far on
and I have peace with whathappened.
(16:48):
I look back and there's still alot of emotion if I really let
myself sit in that timeline.
But I was really insistent thatI wanted to try and do something
positive that day and somethingto be constructive about what I
was feeling, and so I got allthese balloons.
I didn't realize at the timethat might not have been the
best choice environmentally wedon't know what we don't know
(17:11):
and I marched up this mountainwith all these balloons and a
big garbage bag to keep themsecure, because I was climbing
Bird Ridge back in Alaska andit's a bit of a hike to get to
the top.
It's really steep, but I wasinto mountain running at the
time and I went to the top ofBird Ridge.
I went to the peak up there andI released the balloons and
(17:32):
they were meant to symbolizeletting go and letting go of so
much of who I'd been and how I'dunderstood myself within the
context of that relationship.
This younger Bethann I was inthe middle of, who I'd been and
how I'd understood myself withinthe context of that
relationship.
This younger Bethann I was inthe middle of, and I'd already
gone through this initialawakening process and continued
to be in a lot of transformationand awakening, and so it was
(17:54):
this deeply symbolic thing.
At the time I knew that itwasn't like this final release
and everything was going to begreat when I went down the
mountain.
But I do believe in beingintentional about who we want to
be in this world, and I wantedto be intentional about moving
forward and saying I know I needto keep moving.
(18:15):
I can't look back.
I can't live in the past.
We can't build a museum forourselves out of our grief or
our memories.
And there's been times in mylife that there are memories or
identity of a younger self and Ifeel called back into it.
It's like I want to like crawlinto the recesses of something
(18:36):
that felt happier or safer orwarmer, more secure, crawl back
into an old identity or an oldspace where I knew who I was or
I have these positiveassociations with it.
I've gone through some of thosethings when I have been going
through grief, but I always tryand compass myself to the idea
(18:57):
that feel your feelings.
It's okay to acknowledge allthis but bring it back to a
space eventually of saying butlife isn't lived backwards, it's
lived forwards.
And though we might be infinitesouls and energetically and
spiritually, time is limitless,our time here on this linear
timeline is limited and we don'tget to do a repeat, we don't
(19:21):
get to go back.
There's no life there.
Life is lived forward and ifyou feel like something's dying
in you because you are releasingsomething and it's painful to
let it go, you have to trustthat when something dies,
something else is reborn.
We see this all the time innature.
We see this in our life cycle.
We see this in so many wayswhen we shed something and we
(19:46):
end up birthing something elsein its place.
We are constantly in thattransformation process and I
love the metaphor of the Phoenix, of just igniting and burning
and shedding and it looks likeall is over and the Phoenix
hasenix has died, and then itrises from the ashes and comes
back and new form and it'sstronger than before.
(20:07):
I have always found this to betrue and I put my faith in that.
And at the time when I wasgoing through my divorce, I was
really at the beginning of thatjourney.
I didn't have this stockpile ofexperiences.
I think I was 34 at the timeand I'd been through some things
, but I hadn't been living lifein such an awakened heart place,
(20:28):
and so I'm not sure if Iconsciously would have had the
knowledge at the time and saidwhen something dies, something
new is reborn.
I think I was really in themiddle of that lesson and
learning what that meant to me,and in the middle of learning
about transformation and thatsomething new will always come.
There's always new life on theother side.
(20:50):
And now I'm further down myjourney, more time has passed,
and so I put my faith in that,because I've seen it time and
time again.
It does not make it easier whenI am facing a passage where I
feel like I need to releasesomething and I'm scared and I
don't want to and I don't knowwhat it's going to look like and
I feel lost or confused.
(21:11):
It doesn't really make iteasier, but I can use that
knowledge to say you have totrust, you know something good
will come from this and youdon't get to see it right now.
That's part of the leap and theallowing ourselves to let the
universe support us and diveinto the mysteries and be in our
(21:32):
hearts and step into the wildunknown.
It's to not know and to takethe journey anyways and see what
happens.
It's to walk into the darknesswithout a guarantee of what it's
going to look like and wherewe're going to end up, who we'll
meet as travel companions.
It is to allow ourselves tofeel foreign, sometimes in our
(21:54):
own lives or our own bodies orthe journey that we're on, and
there is an element of trust inthere and surrender, and maybe
even knowing that there aregoing to be times where we want
to lose faith and say I'mterrified, I don't know what's
coming on the other side, andthat when we are asked to let go
, those feeling states are partof the process.
(22:16):
But feelings are fluid and theydon't last and we always figure
it out and find our way through, and that is so beautiful about
the mystery of change and themystery of letting go.
The last piece I want to sharetoday is not one that I'd
originally picked out.
I had a different one that Iwas going to talk about, but, as
(22:39):
I was musing out loud right nowwith all of you, about letting
go and trusting the wild unknown, trusting this mysterious
process that when we releasesomething, something that we're
being called to let go of, andwe dare to venture into the
unknown space, that we will findour way through and something
(23:01):
will be waiting on the otherside.
And as I was saying all that, Isaw this passage from Small
Pearls, big Wisdom flash in mymind and I'm going to share that
instead, because it speaks tomy heart today and I hope it
speaks to you the OngoingUnknowing.
It happens in layers and waves,over many moon cycles, sea
(23:22):
tides and the turns of theseason's trees.
We peel back old pieces,release mistruths and shed pale
imitations as we move closer toour authentic selves.
It's not a one-time process butan ongoing unknowing of self so
we can know ourselves in moresoulful ways.
(23:45):
We unbecome to become.
We unknit old threads to knitthe new.
We wander outside old lines todiscover new terrain.
We heal in small, intentionalincrements, big messy squiggles
and little grace notes that helpus patch together a bigger,
(24:06):
wiser mosaic of self.
We lose ourselves to findourselves and then find
ourselves again ourselves tofind ourselves and then find
ourselves again, all of itworking together in a gorgeous
alchemical process of soul as wekeep moving closer to love, our
purpose and our truth.
If we can find joy in theunknown, embrace our void, trust
(24:29):
things to unfold and rememberthat love knows us and we know
love, then love becomes thethread that keeps leading us
through the labyrinth of changeand bringing us to a new
beginning.
This is one of life's greatestmysteries and endless treasures
the ongoing unknowing I willnever be able to put language to
(24:51):
the infinite mysteries of theheart's ability to be perennial.
Something dies and somethingnew is reborn.
We grieve and our grief watersthe grounds for a new life, and
somehow grace wraps around itall.
But I will gratefully put mytrust in this bigger process,
stay my course and put my faithin the path of love.
(25:16):
Thank you so much for joiningme on the podcast today.
I will be back next week withthe new your Heart Magic episode
.
In the meantime, have abeautiful week and, as always,
be well, be loved, be you and bemagic you've been listening to
(25:42):
your Heart Magic with Dr BethannKapansky-Wright.
Intro/Outro Music (25:46):
tune in next week for a new episode to
support and empower your light.
Aloha and welcome to your Heart Magic, an
illuminating space wherepsychology, spirituality and
heart wisdom meet.
Here's your host, dr BethannKapansky-Wright.
Author, psychologist andspiritual educator.
Dr. BethAnne Kapansky Wri (00:33):
Aloha everybody, welcome to your
Heart Magic.
This is Dr BethannKapansky-Wright, and today we
have a talk story time episodewhere I'm going to be sharing
some passages from my books andjust talking off the cuff about
some of the ideas that comethrough when I share them with
(00:53):
you.
I love diving into behind thescenes on my writing and
whenever I do a Talk Storytimeepisode, I always pick a central
theme, and today the theme isletting go, and this was
inspired by the fact that Iopened the book and just asked
the universe help me find thetopic, the theme that wants to
(01:14):
be shared today.
And it opened to this passage.
That was all about letting goand I thought, oh, that feels
lovely.
I feel like it's a reallyrelevant topic for all of us.
We are always in a state ofletting go, whether we know it
or not, and shutting andreleasing.
And then for the month of Maywe are having the Scorpio full
(01:34):
moon.
That's coming up this weekend,so it will have passed by the
time this episode comes out, butit is full moon energies.
That's all about transformationand release, psychological
insight, diving into our psycheand subconscious and emotional
waters and finding newperspectives.
And, of course, when we findnew perspectives and we find new
(01:59):
insights and treasures of self.
Usually what comes along withthat is an invitation to release
something or change somethingand let go of a skin we were
wearing that didn't quite fitanymore, or shed an idea.
Sometimes it's an identity.
Letting go happens in verysmall ways, where we don't
(02:22):
always notice that it's going on, and sometimes it happens in
these huge, revelatory wayswhere we obviously have a sense
that we are in the middle ofchange.
So I'm opening today withsharing a passage from Small
Pearls, big Wisdom, and this iscalled Questions for Letting Go.
It's the one that I opened toearlier when I asked the
(02:45):
universe what should I talkabout on the podcast.
So we are going to start theretoday.
How do we help ourselves when werealize we are clinging to
something and we need to let go?
How do we begin to create spaceand loosen our attachment?
A good place to start is bystaying curious and
(03:06):
investigating our experience tofind insight into why we feel
stuck.
If we start to understand ourhesitations, motivations, fears
and other unconscious patterns,we can find new awareness.
We begin to see what's blockingus and how we might be holding
ourselves back from experiencinggreater freedom and peace of
(03:28):
heart.
This supports us in making moreconscious choices to help us
find a way to begin to let goFor times of stuckness.
Here are a few questions thatmight feel helpful to use as
contemplation tools andjournaling prompts to better
understand your dynamics andfind new insight.
(03:49):
What am I gaining by holding onto this?
What is stopping me fromletting go?
Who would I be without this?
What am I afraid will happen ifI let this go?
How would it change me if Ididn't have this in my life?
How might it feel if I were tolet this go?
(04:10):
Stay curious.
Start digging deep.
Start finding your truth byfiguring out what is driving you
to hold on so hard.
Begin figuring out where youfeel stuck and take small steps
towards softening your grip,doing release work and
surrendering your attachment.
As we work on loosening justone knot of our attachments, we
(04:33):
find that other things that havebeen feeling knotted shift as
well.
We begin to feel more open, westart to see our way through
what has held us back fromrelease and feel more empowered
to keep choosing new space.
You know it's interesting, as Iwas reading that it always
(04:53):
strikes me one that we live on aplanet of change.
Change is the constant and weresist it so much.
It's such a strange paradox ofbeing human.
We're built for change, we'rehardwired for it.
We are creative beings, weevolve in our own self and we
evolve throughout our lifespan.
(05:14):
We evolve developmentally frombeing a baby to growing up, to
becoming elderly, to goingthrough death and dying and
losing this form, and thencrossing over into the mysteries
and into the afterlife.
And so we are built for change.
We are constantly changing, theplanet is changing around us,
(05:35):
and for so many of us, the ideaof letting go is so hard.
And I think it's because wesometimes have a sense of what
we're ready to let go of, or ourideas of what we want to let go
of, as if we can control theletting go process.
And so I think that's part ofwhat's so scary about it that
when we realize we're holding onreally tightly to something and
(05:58):
that we need to loosen our gripand let go, there's this fear
of what if I have to give upthis thing entirely?
What if I have to give up otherthings?
Who might I be without this?
There's something about theunknowing and knowing that once
we let that domino start tippingand it starts tipping into all
these other dominoes.
(06:18):
We don't know where they'regoing to land.
Right, we can't control theprocess, we can't control change
, we can't control developmentand who we're going to become.
We can point our hearts in theright direction, we can invoke
spiritual support and say I'mabout to loosen my grip and I'm
terrified and I don't know whatI'm doing or where I'm going or
how this is going to work out.
(06:39):
So please help me every stepalong the way, please support me
.
We can do all of those thingsso that we feel supported and
nourished in the process.
But ultimately we can't go tosomebody, even somebody who's
incredibly psychically gifted,and say what happens if I let go
, and could you give me apicture and a guarantee of what
(07:00):
the future is going to look like?
And it just doesn't work likethat.
Sometimes we have to jump, wehave to release, we have to
loosen our attachment, and we'reabsolutely terrified to or we
don't realize that we're stuckand we're in denial about it,
and so we won't even begin toask ourselves those questions or
we avoid those questions.
(07:20):
We might know that we need to,but we don't want to do too much
digging because we might feel,if I start to pull at the
threads that are holding thistogether, this whole thing might
unravel.
And there are times in our lifewhere we might feel that we are
balancing on the cusp ofsomething or not in a place for
(07:40):
a huge letting go.
I absolutely respect that.
I think that's very true.
Sometimes the universe mightforce our hand and it will
happen anyways.
But one of the reasons when Iwrote this passage, that I wrote
these questions to ask ourself,was this more gentle
examination of just beingcurious about the letting go
(08:01):
process and allowing oneself tocontemplate the possibility.
It can't hurt to think about it.
It can't hurt to gently saywhat am I so attached to?
What am I afraid of?
What are my fears here?
What's good about this?
Is there something that I stilllike or something that I am
connected to and I don't want tolose that?
(08:23):
I want to let go of this onepiece, but I really want to make
sure I hang on to this piece.
That's good, and I'm afraid ifI release this one hand, the
other is going to let go as well.
Just being curious andcompassionate in our process
Sometimes, when we are goingthrough letting go and going
through release.
It's not always dramatic ashaving to sever something
entirely.
(08:43):
I've often found that lettinggo happens in degrees and shades
and if we ever reach a placewhere it's big, dramatic change,
we might look back and saythere was so many pieces along
the way that I graduallyloosened my grip and that
finally allowed me to get tothis place where I was able to
(09:04):
walk away from this or releaseit entirely.
So we don't have to be afraidto ask ourselves these questions
.
And that leads me to my nextpassage, because this is about
letting go, but it's also abouthanging on.
And to give a context to this,I wrote this.
It's in Lamentations of the Sea, and Lamentations is the grief
(09:25):
book I wrote immediately afterlosing my brother Brent.
It came out about almost on theyear anniversary of losing him,
and so a lot of the passages inhere were written in the first
nine months.
So they were written in a placewhere I was still in the
trenches of grief and it was sotender and close to my heart.
(09:46):
I was living the process ofletting go.
It was forced change, right?
Losing Brent was this forcedchange?
I had no control over it Oneminute.
I had a brother and I had asibling, and the next minute I
didn't, and it happened thatfast with him.
I've shared it on the podcastbefore.
But he had a blood clot thatbroke off and so it happened
that fast with him.
I've shared it on the podcastbefore.
But he had a blood clot thatbroke off and so it really was
(10:07):
this instantaneous loss and itwas forced change.
But the emotional piece ofgrieving and choosing to let go,
choosing to go through thatprocess, that was something else
entirely that was on me andthat happens for each of us at
our own pace and time when weare going through grief.
So this is called Balloons andit's passage 96 from
(10:31):
Lamentations of the Sea.
As much as I'd like to be likethe proverbial girl in the
picture about to release thelast of her balloons, I have
never found release to be thiseasy.
Letting go of something doesn'ttake place in one fell swoop or
a single instance.
It happens in small bits andpieces, the time you cried it
(10:56):
out over there, the time you satwith your sad over here.
It happens in the quiet of yourwaking hours and it happens in
the deep of your subconscious asyou sleep.
It happens as you take bravesteps forward and it happens as
you create new memories to addto your timeline that help
(11:19):
soften the distance between theimmediacy of the things you're
trying to release.
It happens in giant bursts, insmall drops and all the
in-betweens where you findyourself just trying to do the
work of living life.
Letting go is a process and notan immediate one.
We are best served by releasingall expectations of time
(11:42):
constraints on when we shouldlet go.
25 years might pass and yourheart will still ache in that
same spot, reminding you howgreat the magnitude of
consequence that occupied thatplace.
So hold those balloons for aslong as you need and only
release when you know good andwell it is time We'll let go.
(12:05):
When we let go and only if it'sright for our heart.
There are some things we'remeant to keep forever, some
loves that run so deep they areeternally bound.
A couple things came through asI was reading that passage.
One of them is I have been thegirl in the picture with the
balloons and I'm going to tellthat story in a moment, but
(12:28):
before I dive into that memory,I wanted to share that I think
grief is a different layer andlevel of letting go.
There's no rhyme or reason towhat we hold on to.
You can find people that arestuck in so many ways or hanging
on to something that somebodyelse could easily let go of.
(12:49):
So there's not some hierarchyor it's easier to let go of this
versus this.
But I do think when it comes tolosing a loved one, losing a
beloved animal companion, losingsomebody that has passed over
onto the other side they've diedand they're no longer here, but
(13:09):
we're here.
I think that is a differentexperience with letting go, and
part of how I reconciled myexperience of grief is not being
black and white about it.
It's not like you have this bigrelease and all the sudden
things are healed.
It's more that we keep movingforward.
While we grieve, we keepreleasing something it could be
(13:34):
something that belonged to themand clearing space.
It could be freeing up a littlebit more room in our heart and
letting go of something that wasan attachment to them so that
we can step into a new space ofself.
It could be letting go of angeror bargaining or some of the
(13:54):
feelings that we've held on towith our grief and moving into
more of a space of acceptance.
But I've often written about howthere's some part of me that
will always be unpeaceable withthe fact that he's gone, and I
think that's true.
I think that the majority of mehas acceptance, and just has
(14:15):
this radical acceptance of thisis what happened, and I've been
living with it now for nineyears.
So I've been living with it fora while, but a little bit like
the yin and the yang.
There's this dot in me thatfeels like my younger self and
she feels a little bit more likethis is unacceptable and I am
not okay with this and I justcan't believe this happened and
(14:37):
I had to make space that somepart of myself, some part of my
psyche, some part of my traumafrom that might just feel stuck
and that I can choose torecognize that and love on it
and be peaceful with it.
I don't have to force lettinggo to look like anything.
I can make space for allexperiences of self, and so when
(14:59):
I wrote that passage balloonsit was this permission to be
where you're at when you'regoing through a very painful
letting go and going throughgrief or something that has
really caused you to say I don'tknow that I can do this, I'm
forced to let go of it, but Idon't know if I can and to say
like there's no time limit toany of this.
(15:21):
You get to work at your own pace.
You get to figure out what thislooks like for you.
You get to be in charge of yourown narrative around letting go
and narrate your story and yourlife and find perspective that
works for you.
You get to do all of that.
There's nothing forced here.
So give yourself permission tohonor whatever it is that you
(15:45):
feel, and please don't rush thatprocess.
If somebody tells you you needto move on and you're not ready
to listen to your heart on that,you'll know.
You'll know when you're readyto release a little bit more,
you'll figure it out.
You'll know what that steplooks like.
And if you're really, reallystuck and you don't know what it
looks like, that's when you askfor support from somebody that
(16:07):
is wise and trusted and can helpyou figure out what that step
looks like for you, but there'scertainly not a sense of false
pressure or timeline that needsto be attached to it.
As for my story about being thegirl with the balloons, years
ago in 2011, on the day that mydivorce was official and we'd
(16:28):
gone to court and signed thepaperwork and everything about
it was just awful.
I anybody who's been throughthat process perhaps it's a
relief and you were more atpeace.
But there's just so much aboutthat time that's just surreal
and sad and hard for me.
Even now, after all these years, when life has moved so far on
and I have peace with whathappened.
(16:48):
I look back and there's still alot of emotion if I really let
myself sit in that timeline.
But I was really insistent thatI wanted to try and do something
positive that day and somethingto be constructive about what I
was feeling, and so I got allthese balloons.
I didn't realize at the timethat might not have been the
best choice environmentally wedon't know what we don't know
(17:11):
and I marched up this mountainwith all these balloons and a
big garbage bag to keep themsecure, because I was climbing
Bird Ridge back in Alaska andit's a bit of a hike to get to
the top.
It's really steep, but I wasinto mountain running at the
time and I went to the top ofBird Ridge.
I went to the peak up there andI released the balloons and
(17:32):
they were meant to symbolizeletting go and letting go of so
much of who I'd been and how I'dunderstood myself within the
context of that relationship.
This younger Bethann I was inthe middle of, who I'd been and
how I'd understood myself withinthe context of that
relationship.
This younger Bethann I was inthe middle of, and I'd already
gone through this initialawakening process and continued
to be in a lot of transformationand awakening, and so it was
(17:54):
this deeply symbolic thing.
At the time I knew that itwasn't like this final release
and everything was going to begreat when I went down the
mountain.
But I do believe in beingintentional about who we want to
be in this world, and I wantedto be intentional about moving
forward and saying I know I needto keep moving.
(18:15):
I can't look back.
I can't live in the past.
We can't build a museum forourselves out of our grief or
our memories.
And there's been times in mylife that there are memories or
identity of a younger self and Ifeel called back into it.
It's like I want to like crawlinto the recesses of something
(18:36):
that felt happier or safer orwarmer, more secure, crawl back
into an old identity or an oldspace where I knew who I was or
I have these positiveassociations with it.
I've gone through some of thosethings when I have been going
through grief, but I always tryand compass myself to the idea
(18:57):
that feel your feelings.
It's okay to acknowledge allthis but bring it back to a
space eventually of saying butlife isn't lived backwards, it's
lived forwards.
And though we might be infinitesouls and energetically and
spiritually, time is limitless,our time here on this linear
timeline is limited and we don'tget to do a repeat, we don't
(19:21):
get to go back.
There's no life there.
Life is lived forward and ifyou feel like something's dying
in you because you are releasingsomething and it's painful to
let it go, you have to trustthat when something dies,
something else is reborn.
We see this all the time innature.
We see this in our life cycle.
We see this in so many wayswhen we shed something and we
(19:46):
end up birthing something elsein its place.
We are constantly in thattransformation process and I
love the metaphor of the Phoenix, of just igniting and burning
and shedding and it looks likeall is over and the Phoenix
hasenix has died, and then itrises from the ashes and comes
back and new form and it'sstronger than before.
(20:07):
I have always found this to betrue and I put my faith in that.
And at the time when I wasgoing through my divorce, I was
really at the beginning of thatjourney.
I didn't have this stockpile ofexperiences.
I think I was 34 at the timeand I'd been through some things
, but I hadn't been living lifein such an awakened heart place,
(20:28):
and so I'm not sure if Iconsciously would have had the
knowledge at the time and saidwhen something dies, something
new is reborn.
I think I was really in themiddle of that lesson and
learning what that meant to me,and in the middle of learning
about transformation and thatsomething new will always come.
There's always new life on theother side.
(20:50):
And now I'm further down myjourney, more time has passed,
and so I put my faith in that,because I've seen it time and
time again.
It does not make it easier whenI am facing a passage where I
feel like I need to releasesomething and I'm scared and I
don't want to and I don't knowwhat it's going to look like and
I feel lost or confused.
(21:11):
It doesn't really make iteasier, but I can use that
knowledge to say you have totrust, you know something good
will come from this and youdon't get to see it right now.
That's part of the leap and theallowing ourselves to let the
universe support us and diveinto the mysteries and be in our
(21:32):
hearts and step into the wildunknown.
It's to not know and to takethe journey anyways and see what
happens.
It's to walk into the darknesswithout a guarantee of what it's
going to look like and wherewe're going to end up, who we'll
meet as travel companions.
It is to allow ourselves tofeel foreign, sometimes in our
(21:54):
own lives or our own bodies orthe journey that we're on, and
there is an element of trust inthere and surrender, and maybe
even knowing that there aregoing to be times where we want
to lose faith and say I'mterrified, I don't know what's
coming on the other side, andthat when we are asked to let go
, those feeling states are partof the process.
(22:16):
But feelings are fluid and theydon't last and we always figure
it out and find our way through, and that is so beautiful about
the mystery of change and themystery of letting go.
The last piece I want to sharetoday is not one that I'd
originally picked out.
I had a different one that Iwas going to talk about, but, as
(22:39):
I was musing out loud right nowwith all of you, about letting
go and trusting the wild unknown, trusting this mysterious
process that when we releasesomething, something that we're
being called to let go of, andwe dare to venture into the
unknown space, that we will findour way through and something
(23:01):
will be waiting on the otherside.
And as I was saying all that, Isaw this passage from Small
Pearls, big Wisdom flash in mymind and I'm going to share that
instead, because it speaks tomy heart today and I hope it
speaks to you the OngoingUnknowing.
It happens in layers and waves,over many moon cycles, sea
(23:22):
tides and the turns of theseason's trees.
We peel back old pieces,release mistruths and shed pale
imitations as we move closer toour authentic selves.
It's not a one-time process butan ongoing unknowing of self so
we can know ourselves in moresoulful ways.
(23:45):
We unbecome to become.
We unknit old threads to knitthe new.
We wander outside old lines todiscover new terrain.
We heal in small, intentionalincrements, big messy squiggles
and little grace notes that helpus patch together a bigger,
(24:06):
wiser mosaic of self.
We lose ourselves to findourselves and then find
ourselves again ourselves tofind ourselves and then find
ourselves again, all of itworking together in a gorgeous
alchemical process of soul as wekeep moving closer to love, our
purpose and our truth.
If we can find joy in theunknown, embrace our void, trust
(24:29):
things to unfold and rememberthat love knows us and we know
love, then love becomes thethread that keeps leading us
through the labyrinth of changeand bringing us to a new
beginning.
This is one of life's greatestmysteries and endless treasures
the ongoing unknowing I willnever be able to put language to
(24:51):
the infinite mysteries of theheart's ability to be perennial.
Something dies and somethingnew is reborn.
We grieve and our grief watersthe grounds for a new life, and
somehow grace wraps around itall.
But I will gratefully put mytrust in this bigger process,
stay my course and put my faithin the path of love.
(25:16):
Thank you so much for joiningme on the podcast today.
I will be back next week withthe new your Heart Magic episode
.
In the meantime, have abeautiful week and, as always,
be well, be loved, be you and bemagic you've been listening to
(25:42):
your Heart Magic with Dr BethannKapansky-Wright.
Intro/Outro Music (25:46):
tune in next week for a new episode to
support and empower your light.
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