April 26, 2023 • 54 mins
Kimber talks with artist and poet Kirstin Tatagiri about the challenges that can arise when pursuing authentic friendships from within the context of a marriage relationship. Kirstin shares from the perspective of her unique marriage story about how she encountered loneliness and massive opportunities for growth in her own newly-wed season, both within her marriage and in how she did friendship. Despite diverse stories, Kimber and Kirstin find commonality in how marriage, particularly within the context of friendship, can image the unity and distinctness of the Trinity in our everyday lives.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Kimber (00:09):
hey friends.
Welcome to the, your sisterKimber podcast.
My name is Kimberly Gilbert, andI'm so glad you're here.
Today, we are talking about thechallenges of growing
friendships while married fromnavigating the shift of
friendship while single to thenmaintaining old friendships and
growing new ones once married.
There's for sure a learningcurve here.
(00:30):
I'm excited to talk about thiswith my friend Kiersten.
She's a poet artist and musicianwith a heart for DCIS, and I
loved hearing more of her story.
And how she sees the image ofGod mapped onto our friendships
and our marriages.
Whether you're married now andsomewhere along the learning
curve of doing friendship whilemarried or you just hope to be
(00:51):
someday.
I hope our conversation todayhelps you grow authentic
community in your life andfriendships that honor God and
draw you closer to Jesus.
I wish we could dig into thiswith Kiersten over coffee today,
but this is the next best thing.
I'm so glad you're here, friend.
Let's get started.
(01:14):
Hey Kirsten.
Good.
Mor No, not good morning foryou.
It's evening for you.
It's good afternoon for me.
Kirstin (01:21):
Yes.
Kimber (01:22):
Is that right?
You're on the East coast, isthat right?
Kirstin (01:25):
Yeah.
And I didn't realize until I sawthe schedule that like Alaska
had a different time zone.
So it makes sense when sometimesit seems like you or Allie, who
I met you through, are postingreally late.
I'm like, why are they postingso late at night?
I'm like, oh, it's, they'relike, time is different from
mine.
Kimber (01:42):
Yeah, it's four hours different.
And I have a couple friends, onthe East Coast who used to live
here.
And so it's like such adifferent thing because it's not
just like, oh, we're a few hoursoff.
We're like in a different partof our day, you know?
And it's, so, it's reallystrange.
You don't really get used to it.
I feel like it's like a couplehours.
You might, it would be no bigdeal, but four makes a big
(02:05):
difference.
So, but thank you for, forjoining me today.
I'm so excited to talk to you.
Will you go ahead and introduceyourself to our friends?
Listening.
Kirstin (02:13):
Yes, so my name is Kirsten and I'm Midwest, born
and bred.
So I'm on the East coast ineastern time zone, but it was
not originally from here.
Kimber (02:23):
were you originally from?
Kirstin (02:24):
That's such a great question, which I never really
know how to answer, which is whyI always say Midwest born and
bred because.
I was born in Chicago and thenmy family moved to Northern
Minnesota about as northwest asyou can possibly go in the
state.
My dad was a pastor there, andthen we were also in another
town, six hours south for ayear, and then moved to Northern
(02:44):
Indiana, which was home forsince I was about 13.
But then I also lived overseasfor a little while, and so they
just say Midwest, cause
Kimber (02:52):
Midwest.
That's perfect.
That's perfect.
I'm originally from Kansas City,so that's why I asked, cuz I'm
like, Ooh, where?
So, yeah.
Awesome.
Kirstin (03:01):
So I lived overseas for a while and then I got married
to my husband and that's whenthe east coast life started and
I used to be a teacher.
So I taught overseas and thencame back, taught eighth grade
in America and decided I did notwanna keep doing that.
Kimber (03:15):
What did you teach?
Art
Kirstin (03:17):
I was an eighth grade language arts English teacher in
Northern Indiana, so I wasoverseas.
Was there for a year at theschool and then met my husband
that year and then moved out toBoston and he's in it.
He's Indian.
A lot of most Indians here arein it, and he was like, you're
really good at talking.
You should be a project manager.
Kimber (03:38):
Oh wow.
Kirstin (03:40):
do.
Now, my title is Scrum Master,but I usually say project
manager because no one reallyknows what a scrum master is
unless you're in
Kimber (03:46):
yeah, I just picture you like scrubbing things.
I don't know, like literally, sothat's probably not accurate.
Kirstin (03:52):
But yeah, in terms of like, my other part of my life
with like creative pursuit, soI've always been writing since I
was a kid and poetry I think hasalways been my first love with
creating, but I'm just acreative sometimes now what
creating looks like.
Finding a new recipe and tryingit out and one day I wanna
(04:15):
paint.
I don't have time or the mentalcapacity to do that now, but one
day Winston Churchill start atthat later in life and he was
actually really good.
So there's definitely, eventhough I'm now an it, I
cultivate that creativityoutside of work because that
needs to always keep going.
Otherwise, a little part of mefeels like it dies inside.
Kimber (04:33):
Yes.
I think that's a cool way tolook at it cuz I think so often
we get like kind of channeledinto like, oh my passions have
to come out through my work.
And I think that's really coolwhen they do of course.
But I love that you're like,okay, I can do something.
In my work life and also dosomething just in my private
life that is feeding that.
So I think that's, that's reallycool.
(04:55):
If you could only like, pursueone creative avenue for the rest
of your life.
I know this is like a reallyawful question, but if you could
only, what would be the one, theone thing
Kirstin (05:06):
It would be creative writing.
Before I met my husband, I wasgonna go back and get a master's
and have it in English.
But the program I wanted to do,we could do like creative
writing, like not minor cuz youdon't really do minors and
masters.
But, and then I got married, youknow, and went on a different
track.
But, but poetry and thatcreative writing is,
Kimber (05:27):
Hmm.
Kirstin (05:27):
it's my first love, I think, with the creative stuff.
So if I only had to do onething, it would be that.
Kimber (05:31):
I love that.
So I, I love the, like, broaderdefinition of creative, not just
like narrowing yourself intoone.
I actually used to be an Englishteacher too.
I don't know if you knew that.
Kirstin (05:42):
No
Kimber (05:43):
yeah.
I taught high school English.
I did for six years, and I'm notnow, but, um, maybe someday, who
knows?
But yeah, it, well, it was good.
It was good.
I, I enjoyed it while I did it.
And then it was time to.
toddler life, and I'm enjoyingthat stuff too.
So it's cool that we get to,change who we are like or what
we do, at least in the midst ofthat.
(06:04):
And you're in toddler life too,right?
Kirstin (06:07):
Just enterings.
Yeah, so my son is 13 months, sowe're entering that.
He still like my baby, but Ilook at him and I'm like, you're
not a baby.
Kimber (06:15):
Oh, well, yeah, mine is like 22 months, so almost two.
And it's definitely like overthe last six, which is about
that difference there.
I feel like he's moved from likebeing like a baby who does some
like.
Toddler ish things to like, ohwow.
Like you're a little dude.
Like as, I don't know.
It's crazy.
(06:36):
I like see him walking aroundand I'm just like, wow, you're
like a little boy.
We were eating lunch at arestaurant the other day and you
know, it's like there wasn'tlike a huge mess.
Like, there was still a mess, ofcourse, don't get me wrong, but
like, he was just like, he had alittle grilled cheese and he was
just sitting there eating it andlike looking around and I was
like, whoa.
You're like functioning rightnow.
Like, this is amazing.
(06:58):
It's like a, a glimpse, youknow,
Kirstin (07:01):
of the
Kimber (07:01):
of what we'll be.
Yeah.
But is good.
Oh, cool.
Well, Kirsten, I was so excitedto talk to you today.
Um, when we kind of connected, Iwas like, wow, there's so many
cool ways that we can, we get towork together here.
And so I'm excited for that.
Um, but today we're kind ofzeroing in on some marriage
stuff and we've been.
On the podcast in a series onloneliness, and we're kind of
(07:25):
getting close to wrapping it upin the next few weeks.
And so when we were talkingabout just like the challenges
that come with learning tonavigate friendships in the
context of marriage, I was like,oh my goodness.
Can't believe we haven't talkedabout this.
This would be a great thing totalk about.
And so I was really glad when,when you brought that up
because, It seems like it shouldbe a given.
(07:45):
Like, oh, like you get marriedand then like you still do
friendship of course.
But, but it does change and it,it shifts the way we do this.
And so, I'm really excited toYeah, hear your perspective on
that and what your story waslike through that.
And man, just like preparing forour conversation was so
interesting to me, likereflecting on this.
my husband and I are celebrating10 years in a couple weeks,
(08:06):
which is just like kind of crazyto me and exciting.
And so I feel like as I was kindof preparing for our
conversation, I was justreflecting back on like, oh,
like we have been doing this fora bit now.
And um, yeah, it was just likecool to think back to how things
changed when we first gotmarried and like how we learned
to navigate friendship and thedifferent seasons of our
(08:27):
marriage so far even.
And so I'm excited to, to hearyour side of it.
So what has been kind of.
Story with like marriage.
Um, and then we can kind of getto how friendship challenges
emerged from that.
But yeah.
What's your guys' story?
A little bit.
Kirstin (08:40):
So we met online a eHarmony, which I swore I would
never do before I did.
It.
So in Korea, when I lived inKorea, I remember very
distinctly telling my friendsmultiple times, I will never do
that.
I feel like I'm selling myself,like pushing my picture and
saying like, oh, hey, this isme.
Like come and get me.
Like I just, ugh, the idea Butlike I didn't meet anyone when I
(09:04):
lived in Korea.
I didn't meet anyone when Ilived in China.
And then I came home and I wasliving, you know, northern
Indiana and there weren't toomany eligible bachelors around.
And so I was like, what do I do?
Go sit at the local coffee shopand hope someone trips over my
feet and like proposes, you
Kimber (09:20):
right.
Totally.
Kirstin (09:22):
and one of my friends from China, uh, she wasn't
Chinese, but she was a foreignerlike me over.
Kimber (09:27):
Uhhuh.
Kirstin (09:27):
Most of the, people who do work for the Lord there go
to.
Thailand for a lot of these likemissionary retreats.
And so she was there the yearafter I came home and she was
like, Kirsten, there's so manygirls here who met their
husbands online a eHarmony, andthey're really great guys who
really love Jesus.
I think you should try it.
(09:49):
And I was like, oh man, maybe Ishould, because I really sense
that I was supposed to come homea, my, my dad has Parkinson's,
and so I wanted to be closer tofamily, but also I really felt
ready.
It was the first time in my lifewhere I felt like I was ready to
be married.
There wasn't anything else Iwanted to do as a single person
that I always felt like I wouldwonder what would've happened if
(10:09):
I would've done that thing.
Like I had done all the things.
I was like, I'm ready.
Kimber (10:13):
Wow.
Kirstin (10:14):
So I was on a couple dating sites, but then when on
eHarmony, I remember verydistinctly, like in church, my,
my dad was having kind of a badmorning, so he was out in like
the foyer and I had seen on myphone there was a, a deal, it
was like 1299 a month and it'susually really expensive.
And so I was like, dad, it's1299 a month.
He's like, that's like threecoffees.
Just do it.
(10:35):
So
Kimber (10:36):
Right.
Kirstin (10:36):
And then met my husband, I think, I think I went
on in like January and we metMarch 28th and we were very
expedited.
He's Indian, so Indian culture,you know, you have arranged
marriages, like very quick.
Things are normal for usWesterners, it's a little more
strange, but I never wanted todate for a really long time.
And there's, I, growing up mymom would talk about, you know,
(10:58):
if you're waiting just to fallin love and stay in love
forever, like you're never gonnastay married forever because.
Kimber (11:04):
Hmm.
Kirstin (11:04):
is hard.
And so it's love is acommitment.
And so we talked on the phone,you know, FaceTimed a lot, and
then he came to meet me and myparents in Chicago a month
later.
And then he proposed a monthlater and I
Kimber (11:16):
Wow.
Kirstin (11:17):
he proposed in my classroom actually.
So I don't think there was everso many jubilant voices over
someone being proposed to as inmy classroom with 30 like 13
year olds.
Kimber (11:29):
Oh, I bet they were so excited.
Oh
Kirstin (11:31):
Oh my gosh.
They were like screaming.
I have video coverage of likeall these different angles.
so that was really special.
So, but then we got marriedSeptember 1st and I moved out to
Boston.
So it was like five, fivemonths, six months.
So it was very fast.
and I am a very, I still need myalone time for creating, but I
am much more extroverted, much,much more than my husband.
(11:52):
Like, we'll both acknowledgethis, it's why it works, you
know?
And I think when I moved out toBoston, one thing I realized was
in terms of friendships,everyone knew me as Isaac's
wife, and I was trying to figureout who that was.
Like, I'm a wife.
I what?
What does that mean?
Kimber (12:12):
And so he already, he already lived in Boston, is that
right?
So he like had a communitythere.
Mm.
Yeah.
And so you're coming into that?
Kirstin (12:21):
Yeah.
And.
So that was, it was a, you know,starting to navigate just being
married.
And I think part of it, likeagain, we, we hadn't known each
other that long, so there was alot of getting to know each
other that happened.
But at the same time, I knowpeople who dated their spouses
for a long time and got marriedand still told me like, oh,
there's still an adjustmentperiod.
Kimber (12:40):
Yeah, there
Kirstin (12:41):
there's nothing like being married.
Other than being married.
And so I think, you know, evenif we had known each other for
longer, it still would've beenhard, um, because it's just
hard.
It's one of those things, youcan read all the books and try
to prepare, but until you do it,you don't really know what
you're getting into and youdon't really know how to do it.
Kimber (12:57):
Yeah.
My husband and I dated for fouryears, and so like we met in
high school and went throughcollege and got married at the
end of college, and so yeah, Ikind of totally agree with that,
that it's still just like, it'sdifferent because you're, you
just, it's a shift I think from.
Like, I am the one I rely on andI am the center of my universe,
(13:17):
essentially, to like, oh, nowlike I'm supposed to share that
with someone else.
And that to me is like, yeah,that's like the one of the
biggest shifts you make, youknow, in your life.
Other than like being, becominga parent, I feel like.
You know, that's the otherreally huge one where it's just
like your focus changes and soyeah, it doesn't quite matter, I
(13:38):
think, you know, how long you'veknown them.
That's a part of it, but it'sjust the perspective shift of
how you navigate your days andfriendship of course, like is
wrapped up in that.
So how did, like when you werein Boston, do you feel like you
eventually like figured out kindof The way to navigate through
this and kind of stumbled yourway through there.
(13:59):
What did that kinda look like?
Kirstin (14:01):
Stumbled my way through.
There is a very good way to putit because I think at first,
again, because I'm much more.
I'm more extroverted.
I process things like withpeople and I really only knew my
husband.
And you know, when you're firstmarried, there's a lot of
learning the other person, andsometimes they don't understand
you and you don't understandthem.
And so I think there was a biglearning curve for me of
(14:24):
learning that.
like, I would catch myselfbefore I would say something to
a friend.
I'm like, is this okay for me tosay?
Because you also have now thisother person that you're bound
to, in a way, you're not boundto anybody else and you don't
wanna say things that's goingto, you know, harm their
reputation.
And my husband's a great guy,you know, but like, regardless
of how great a person is, oursin comes out of marriage on
(14:46):
both sides.
And so, so there was definitelya learning curve for me of.
Learning that there's of now aboundary with what I can share.
Because before I would be anopen book, there was just about
anything
Kimber (14:58):
Yeah.
Kirstin (14:59):
anyone wanted to ask me about my life, I would share,
you know?
And I wouldn't even think twice,but there was that, okay, let me
think about this.
Is this o?
Is this okay to share?
Can I share this?
And I think for me, because I'mmore extroverted and.
Never really had, not that Ididn't have a filter, but that
other person being their filterthat wasn't there.
I think it was really hard forme, but it was all stacked up
(15:21):
on, on top of me being known asIsaac's wife.
And I didn't really know whothat was.
I didn't have, I had a part-timejob, but a lot of my days in
those early months was just mein the apartment by myself cuz
he would go to work and I thinkI was just, Lonely and I didn't,
I was trying to figure out allthis stuff, like my whole world
(15:41):
had changed.
And so I think there was aperiod where probably looking
back, I should have told myselflike, you're probably not gonna
feel like yourself for a while.
And that's okay becauseeverything is changing and it's
not supposed to feel the samebecause it's not the same
anymore.
and I think one thing thatchanged too was when I finally
told my husband, I'm like, Ireally need to go just hang out
with a friend, but I.
(16:02):
I don't know which person talkedto cuz I don't know who my
friends are yet.
Kimber (16:06):
Yeah.
Yeah.
Kirstin (16:07):
and he was really sweet.
He's like, well what about thisperson?
Like at church, cuz we, youknow, went to a church.
He had been going there beforeme and it was a great church.
And he is like, well this personseems really nice, why don't you
text her?
And I ended up texting her andwe had coffee and I was able to
share with her too, just some ofthe things I was feeling in
those early days of marriage.
And, and I had also kind of toldhim, I'm like, I'm feeling like
(16:27):
weird and I, I need to talk to afriend.
I don't wanna like say thingsthat you don't want me to say.
And he is like, I mean, it'sokay.
You know, because he had, hewould, he would have coffee with
a friend and be like, yeah, youknow, he says this about how
we're learning each other andstuff.
So I still remember like havingcoffee with her and her telling
me all the things you're feelingand going through, like I still
(16:47):
talk about these things with myhusband.
He's still learning how torespond to these things for me.
And so, which again, I feel likein friendship, So much of what
Satan wants to do with us whenwe struggle with things is to
make us feel like we're the onlyone going through it.
And it's rarely ever the casebecause we're so much more
similar than we all like toadmit, which is actually really
(17:08):
good because then we can helpeach other through different
seasons because we have peoplewho've been there and can speak
into our lives and be like,you're normal.
It's okay.
It's, it's really okay.
You're gonna make it through.
Kimber (17:20):
Yeah, I was talking to a friend the other day about, I
don't even remember what thecontext was, but you saying that
reminded me of you know, theidea that we think that our
struggles are so unique to usand I think it's just because
like they are in many ways, wehave, unique people in our
lives, unique challenges.
Our lives are all different, andyet, Satan isn't creative, God
(17:41):
is the creator, right?
And so the enemy's not going todo anything creative in our
lives.
He's just gonna twist things Itmight be a few degrees, it might
be a lot.
But the good news in that, likeyou said, is like he's not gonna
create something that we can't,find connection or hope from
someone else in.
(18:02):
You know, there's nothing new,that he can bring at us.
And so that was just likeencouraging to me to remember of
like, okay, there's gonna besomeone that.
Probably the Lord's gonna put inmy path to help me through that
and help me figure out how I, inmy own unique circumstances, can
navigate this very familiar andconstant, you know, thing among
all of us that is challengingus.
(18:23):
And marriage is like, Such acommon one that we can, I think
when we do reach out to others,because many people have gone
through it, and you're right.
Like, you're not the only onefor sure.
I'm interested about, um, totalk more about that idea of,
the boundary of privacy andauthenticity in marriage.
(18:44):
Because, I mean, like I said,you know, we're coming up on 10
years and yet I still findmyself.
Struggling to walk that a littlebit because I would say that I'm
more like you, like I'm prettyopen book, um, especially with
like my trusted people, but thesituation that I find in my life
is like, I have some separatefriendships where like, my
friends don't know Sean superwell.
(19:06):
Um, it's almost like a problemin both situations because if
they don't know your husbandsuper well, like they're not
also friends with himnecessarily, then it's more of
like, I don't wanna like throwhim under the bus with them
because, um, they don't havetheir own relationship to like
bounce that off of.
So all they're hearing is myportrayal of him, right.
(19:28):
And I wanna, I wanna honor himin that.
And the other side of it is likewith my close friends who were
Als who are also friends withhim, you know, like couple
friends and stuff.
they're his friend too, and Idon't wanna like hurt their
friendship because of what I'msaying.
And yet, we probably can bothagree that it's damaging when
(19:48):
you're not talking about.
Like working through your, yourstruggles with people in your
life.
And so I think sometimes thatcan go, you know, there are some
things that maybe should just goto a counselor or like a trusted
mentor.
But, yeah, like over the courseof your marriage, what has kind
of like learning that balancelooked like for you?
Because it sounds like that wassomething that came up right
(20:09):
away.
Kirstin (20:10):
Yeah, I think for me it was first having to tell my
husband that like I reallyneeded.
Friends that I c like, and thatwhen I would talk to friends,
it's not me trying to throw himunder the bus or disrespect him,
it's just me needing to processcertain things.
And that being said, I think onething I have learned is
(20:32):
sometimes there are that youknow, irritate me or I'm just
having a bad day and I'm havinga bad attitude and I shouldn't
talk to anyone because.
I think so often we, we, wecover ourselves with, I just
need a vent about this.
I'm like, no, we're actuallycomplaining.
Let's be real.
We're complaining and we're notsupposed to do that as
(20:53):
Christians.
And so the best piece ofmarriage advice I think I've
ever gotten was from a lady whowas in my parent small group
when I was really little.
She was single for most of heradult life.
I think in her fifties, Shefinally got married for the
first time.
And when I turned 30, I askedpeople in my life to give me
words of wisdom.
So she wrote back a card, andone thing she said was, when
(21:16):
there's hurt in your marriage,and again, this is like barring
any abusive situations.
So when there's hurt in yourmarriage, Go to God first with
that process with him, and thengo to your husband.
And what I found was when Istarted doing that, a lot of
times I would realize that maybethe root of why I was upset or
the root of that irritation orwhatever it was, wasn't actually
(21:39):
my husband.
It's me.
It's something in me that wastriggered because of something
he said or And it was like Icould work things out with the
Lord first.
And I think I think social mediadoesn't help with this as well
because you can see so manypeople on social media saying
like, I got married and then itwas the best year of my life
Kimber (21:57):
my life
Kirstin (21:57):
life is so it's dreamy.
And I'm like, okay.
Kimber (22:00):
Okay.
Good for you?
Kirstin (22:03):
yeah, exactly.
so I think it's separating likethe, you know, highlights of
social media and that we allhear too much of, I think
sometimes.
And the reality of like marriageis hard work.
Kimber (22:14):
Hmm.
Kirstin (22:14):
sometimes you just need to go to God with stuff and not
to people first, so go to himfirst.
But I will say like I, I have myclosest friend from the time
I've been in high school.
We've kept in touch all thetimes I was living overseas and.
been such a gift.
We became moms within like sixmonths of each other.
We got married within six monthsof each other, and she has been
such a blessing because I cansay things to her.
(22:37):
I think too, it's when you'reprocessing, like I can
acknowledge that I'm workingthrough something without being
specific.
I can say I'm.
I'm harboring anger in my hearttowards my husband.
Can you please pray for mewithout telling the whole story
and the situation?
Like a lot of times that doesn'tneed to be said.
And those are the kinds ofthings that would make other
(22:57):
people in your life who know youor don't know your husband.
Like either think he's horribleor you know, or vice versa.
If he's telling about you, theythink you're horrible.
You know, cuz I am, I'm a jerk alot.
So,
Kimber (23:10):
No, I love that and I, the other thing that I think is
really good about that is that.
Like, yes, totally agree aboutthe, only sharing like the
details that need to be sharedbecause that does like honor the
privacy of like your challengesa little bit, but it also like
is vulnerable about thesituation in ways that your
friend can pray for you or, youknow, give you advice if you're
(23:32):
looking for that.
But the other thing I like aboutwhat you said is that it was
like, I'm ha harboring anger inmy heart as opposed to.
can you believe what my husbandjust did?
Or whatever, you know?
which is probably more in thatangle of like venting and just
wanting someone to affirm yourfrustration or your anger or
whatever.
And that's not working towardsrestoration.
(23:54):
And so it's probably.
Not ultimately what is best forus.
And so I love the the likeacknowledging your part in it
and then asking your friend tocome alongside you and, and help
you with that.
And that probably is a productof processing with the Lord.
Because I think so often in our,in our struggles, at least I am
(24:15):
quick to like identify what myhusband is doing wrong.
Um,
Kirstin (24:20):
Yep.
Kimber (24:20):
And slow to identify what, what my part is in it.
And so, but I feel like when wesubmit those things to the Lord,
he does like reveal those thingsto us.
And at least, like, even justlike calm down a little bit, you
know, and, and, take a stepback.
And so then that can allow us tocome to our friends with maybe a
more like I statement approach.
(24:43):
And focusing up from that side.
I love that.
That's really helpful.
I feel like,
Kirstin (24:47):
Yeah, and I think too, For me in marriage, I like to
say marriage for me has beenlike a instant pot pressure
cooker.
It's just made all my sinssqueeze out and it's really
ugly.
And my closest friend, actually,she, when we were talking once
about, you know, learning to bemarried and navigating all this,
she's like, yeah, It's reallyeasy for us, like you're saying,
to see something in ourhusband's life and be like, wow,
(25:09):
that sin, oh my goodness, howcould you do that?
But for us, we think our sin iscute.
We're like, but I do this.
But it's just like cute.
It's like this thing I struggle,it's this thing I struggle with.
And really it's like, It's sin,it doesn't matter.
You know, we say sometimes I'mstruggling and it's kind of a
coverup for like, I'm harb, I'm,I'm nurturing this thing that
I've been doing for a long time,but I'm not willing to let it go
(25:31):
and really get to the root ofit.
And those little things are sooften I think in marriage will
come and just start to destroythings so that centering on the
Lord and then looking at, whatam I doing wrong in this
situation or how am I sittingagainst him?
Has been super helpful with,with filtering and then yeah,
with
Kimber (25:51):
Hmm.
I love that.
That's so good, He friend,forgive me for taking a quick
moment in this conversation toask a favor of you.
I hope my conversation withKiersten is blessing you today.
And if so, would you take amoment to rate and review the
show on apple podcasts?
Reviews are so helpful andencouraging new friends to find
(26:13):
the show.
And I love reading.
What is blessing you from thepodcast?
You can find the link to leave areview and the description of
this episode.
So, thank you so much for doingthat today.
Okay.
Now back to the show.
how long were you guys inBoston?
Kirstin (26:30):
We were in
Kimber (26:31):
season last?
Kirstin (26:32):
2018 until 2020, so we moved in the thick of Covid.
We didn't get to say goodbye tolike any of our friends except
for a one couple, couple friendwho had come and they like
helped us pack our truck andstuff.
Kimber (26:44):
oh my goodness.
Wow.
And that was, so then youstarted over in a new place
during Covid,
Kirstin (26:50):
We did, but my husband's family is in Northern
Virginia, which is where we are.
And so I, I do think, lookingback in like the friendship
realm, I think Virginia has beenmuch easier for me to navigate
than Boston because we both camehere as new people.
So again,
Kimber (27:09):
Yeah.
Kirstin (27:10):
Yes.
Yes.
And it was the first place wewere here together.
So, and at the end of Boston Idid have, you know, like we had
couple friends.
Kimber (27:18):
Yeah.
Kirstin (27:19):
I had my own friends.
He kinda had his own friends.
But then here it's been muchmore of couple friends because
like, we have a house, we got adog, now we have a child.
And so life is just verydifferent from being like
newlyweds in, you know, a Bostonapartment.
Now we're like living in thecountry, quote unquote.
I mean, you know, 15 minutes youcan get to whatever you want.
Kimber (27:41):
Right?
Kirstin (27:42):
We have land.
There's just, life is just sodifferent.
And so I think too now, becausewe're just more busy, I think I
had a lot of time in thoseBoston days to like, Process
everything I was feeling.
And when I wasn't sure how toprocess that with other people,
it just walled up inside of meand wasn't very pretty.
And so, so now like startingover in Virginia and kind of
(28:05):
working through those earlyyears of marriage and like
learning each other and breakingthe shoe in so it's more
comfortable, you know, um,
Kimber (28:12):
Yeah.
Kirstin (28:12):
I think friendships here, it still was tricky cuz it
was covid, but that was hard forthe whole world.
So,
Kimber (28:17):
Right.
At least it was, yeah, a shared,shared struggle.
For
Kirstin (28:21):
Yeah.
And so like friends that we havehere are mostly a couple friends
that we've met together andthen, have, have nurtured those
friendships together.
Kimber (28:30):
Yeah, I think that the whole idea of like couple
friends is something that is soimportant for our marriages, and
I'm not sure we always talkabout like how you get those or
how you find those.
I think that, you know,sometimes they just happen like,
and, and like you're lucky andyou happen to both like and
(28:50):
connect with like the othercouple.
But I'm not sure that's alwaysthe case.
but I think it's so important tolike, have these friendships in
our marriage that we can likepour into as a family.
And then also to have likeseparate ones that we can, you
know, That can just be separatefrom that.
But, you say that like by theend of Boston, you guys did kind
(29:12):
of have some couple friends thatyou had found that were, you
know, steady, even though youweren't necessarily, did you
find them together?
Do you feel like, after you weremarried, or was it like you ca
you were the one who like cameinto the established friendship
already?
Do you know what I mean?
Like what was that kind ofdynamic like?
Kirstin (29:30):
I came into them.
So there was really one maincouple.
There were some, but there wasone that I think both of us felt
comfortable and we, the four ofus enjoyed each other because
like you're saying, sometimes,you know, I might really like
the wife and then maybe myhusband doesn't really get along
with the husband and it's n it'snothing.
It's just like you don't clickwith
Kimber (29:51):
Or it's just like, yeah, they're not quite like your best
friend kind of thing.
Kirstin (29:55):
Yeah.
Or like he really gets alongwith a husband and I'm like, I
don't know.
I'm not really clicking with awife.
So there was one, one couplethat he knew from small group
that, they were just reallygreat and they also got married
shortly after we did.
And so we were just really inthe same season of life.
And, we would have, you know,lunch with him before small
group.
We were in the same small group.
We would do like, you know, 4thof July, I think we all went
(30:15):
down to the river of Boston and.
We also had our sons within liketwo weeks of each other.
So we haven't had a FaceTimecall yet since the babies have
been born, cuz life is crazy.
Kimber (30:26):
Yeah, totally.
Kirstin (30:27):
even after moving to Virginia, like we've kept in
touch with them, So yeah, I cameinto that and I think even
coming into that, at first, Iremember.
Just not really knowing what tosay.
Sometimes when all of these,like Boston, really smart
computer people, PhD at Harvardsand I was like, I don't, I feel
so dumb.
Like
Kimber (30:45):
Oh man.
Yeah.
Kirstin (30:48):
the things these people are saying, but it, and this
wasn't that they were mean orrude or anything like such nice
people.
Um, but it was just me.
It was just
Kimber (30:56):
You used to feel a little out of your Yeah.
Kirstin (30:59):
element.
And I'm like, I don't, again, itwas that I'm Isaac's wife, but
how would I be if I was bymyself, but I'm not.
I'm not by myself anymore.
I'm his wife and all thesethings be just like running
through my head.
And so it was probably meputting a lot more stress and
anxiety on myself and wasnecessary.
But just that whole transitionof like learning this new part
of who I was.
(31:20):
But I think one thing that wasimportant was I realized.
Like I'm still me.
You know, when we get married,there is a huge shift because
like you said, I'm no longer thecenter of my universe.
I need to think about that otherperson first.
It's not like, oh, I reallywanna go hang out with a friend
tonight.
Like, what's good for mymarriage?
What's good for my husband?
What does my husband need?
(31:41):
What do we need?
Like, do we need to just stayhome and, and hang out and just
watch a movie and like betogether?
And so it's that dying to selfand learning to think about that
other person first, which Ithink really my husband was way
better at than I was.
I think that's also cultural ine in the East, like the, the
unit, the family is soimportant.
(32:02):
You're always thinking about theother person.
And in the West we're soindividualized that I think for
us it's harder because it's,it's a bigger shift I think.
Kimber (32:11):
Hmm.
Yeah.
How have you seen other, likeways that.
the more Eastern cultures versuswestern cultures, ways that that
rubbed up in your marriage orbecame like, oh, like we think
differently about this kind ofthing.
Did you see any of that?
Or you also lived in the eastfor a while, so maybe that
helped as well.
Kirstin (32:32):
I would say, I mean, there are cultural differences,
but none that really stand outas super glaringly.
Really hard because he, we all,yeah, both of us wanted
something different.
Like I think because I lived inthe East, I wanted someone who
wasn't just like me, or if itwasn't American, it needed to be
someone who was very open toother cultures and he had lived
(32:52):
in the States so.
And I think early on we learnedto just talk about those things
and say, oh, you do that.
And I think food is a big thing,like just different things about
food and times of eatingactually, because um, in India
you just eat really late, whichI did in Italy when I lived
there.
I ate late.
But you know, when you're usedto like getting a meal ready and
(33:13):
everyone eats at like sixo'clock or something and then
that's just not how it works.
And
Kimber (33:18):
Right.
Kirstin (33:20):
so that was one thing that was different.
But again, Just having thatconversation and being like, so
I've noticed this.
Like, and then hearing, well,yeah, this is how, or even
watching Indian movies andrealizing, oh, that's how they
eat, like that, this makes somuch sense now.
Kimber (33:33):
Hmm.
yes.
and I think those kind of likequote how we do things you know,
those kind of differences cancome up in lots of different
marriages.
And so I think, I think thatadvice to just like notice them
and talk about them can be sogood.
It reminds me of just like,because marriage is like such.
foundational shift in your life.
(33:54):
I think it's really easy for itto get wrapped up in like your
identity, which is what itsounds like was like that
challenge for you in those earlyyears was okay, this is a part
of my identity now, but I don'tknow what this should look like.
And so that can play out in,lots of different ways in our
unique marriage situations, butit's Just kind of separating
(34:17):
like, okay, how much of myidentity is wrapped up in this?
Because certainly it impacts whoyou are and stuff, but your
identity isn't.
Your marriage, right?
And so it's like, I don't know.
It's a, a figuring out of thatbalance.
And I think that the same canhappen with our cultural
preferences, right?
Is like, you know, well this ispart of who I am, or is this
(34:38):
just how I do things?
And, you know, we can learn anew, a new identity almost, um,
in our marriage to each other.
So how have you seen kind ofyour identity like grow and
change over the course of yourwhole marriage?
From the, those first days whenit was like, oh my gosh, what
is, who am I, what does thislook like to, like, you know,
(34:59):
finding more stability in that.
Kirstin (35:02):
I think.
Again, that piece of advice ofprocessing with the Lord first
has been really important.
And I think for me too, it'sbeen me realizing that it's okay
if I like someone or somethingand someone like being like a
friend and my husband isn't tookeen on that.
It's okay for me to, you know,like really love a certain
(35:24):
friend and he's like, yeah, Idon't really.
You know, just for him to not bethat much of a fan of that
person and vice versa.
Like if he really lovessomething, it's okay for me to
be like, yeah, I don't reallywanna watch that movie, or I
don't really wanna do thatthing.
it's okay for us to have our ownunique things, even though we're
one, it's like the Trinity.
God the Father, God the Son,God, the Holy Spirit.
(35:46):
They're one.
And yet they're uniquepersonalities.
If we can say personalitiesabout God, but like Jesus
Kimber (35:52):
Yeah,
Kirstin (35:53):
yeah, Persons.
That's the word.
Kimber (35:55):
yeah.
You're good,
Kirstin (35:56):
isn't the son.
They're different.
They have different roles.
And for me it's figuring outwhat those roles are and then,
and then just like helping eachother.
You know, sometimes like I amwith my son, putting him to
sleep, and then my husbandcleans the kitchen, or maybe
he's doing something else and Ineed to mow the lawn.
Like, it's not like, you know,traditional gender roles.
(36:17):
Although I think there arecertain things that, you know,
there's a reason why we think inthose terms.
Like there's just a lot of logicto a lot of those, but that's
for a different conversation.
Kimber (36:27):
Yeah.
Yeah.
Kirstin (36:29):
but I think, allowing myself Know that it's okay for
me to enjoy something and myhusband doesn't have to be head
over heels for it, which I thinkplays into the whole idea of
like, your husband is your bestfriend, or your life is just
like picture perfect aftermarriage and, and so when you
realize, oh, I really love thisthing, or I really enjoyed this
(36:50):
person and husband.
Doesn't.
Then you're like, oh mygoodness, is this terrible?
Like no, it's just becauseyou're different people and
you're supposed to be differentpeople.
That's the whole point, right?
Like Jesus and the church arecompletely different, and yet he
still loves us as the churchbecause we're other.
It's the same in marriage.
Like you have a man, you have awoman, and we're totally
(37:13):
different, and yet there's,that's the beauty in.
Committing to someone who'stotally different from us and
choosing to love that person nomatter what.
Kimber (37:23):
almost presupposes struggle, because of the
difference.
Yeah.
Kirstin (37:28):
yeah.
Which I
Kimber (37:29):
yet we expect, yeah.
We don't expect that.
Yeah.
Kirstin (37:32):
Exactly.
Or, you know, I mean, everyoneis starry-eyed usually before
you get married and then you,you know, it's the reality of
marriage when also Satan is nowagainst you.
Like he doesn't want you.
To stay married.
He doesn't want you to bemarried and therefore he's going
to try to drive.
He's gonna take all of theopportunities for you to be
(37:52):
irritated at your spouse, foryou to act out in anger, for you
to be selfish.
He's like there just irking onthose tendencies and so we have
to fight.
I think that's like we have tobe active in taking every
thought captive and making itobedient to Christ, even in our
marriage.
So that our marriages can thrivebecause God is honored in those.
Kimber (38:13):
Right.
Right.
I totally agree because it'slike, if we don't expect those
challenges to come, then there'snothing to overcome in the name
of Jesus.
Right.
And so, I love that perspectiveof unity alongside uniqueness,
and like distinctness and howthat images the Lord.
Because I think that the trap oflike codependence, you know,
(38:35):
where it's like I can't be okayunless.
My spouse is okay, or whatever.
It's, that is such a hard thingto learn, like the distinct line
there, because we are told allthe time like, well, you're one,
you know, you're like, you know,you're together.
And, and that's true.
But we are still unique personsand so I love that room to like,
(38:56):
you know, not always.
Everything that, you know, yourspouse likes or whatever.
And what comes to mind for mewith that is, just like
situations when you don't, maybelike a friend that, or like a
spouse of a, your husband'sfriend or like, your husband is
good friends with someone thatyou just like really struggle
to, enjoy their presence.
(39:16):
Like, man, that is, that can besuch, I think a, a wedge.
Marriage because if, let's say Ihave a very close friend who,
um, my husband doesn't like thatlike become, that can become
like competition almost, right?
And, um, if the other, if thefriend knows that, then, you
know, is she like supporting mymarriage, like speaking life
(39:38):
into it?
Like that's hard to do.
And so, have you everexperienced that tension of
like, not liking.
Uh, your husband's friends oranything, or has that come up
for you?
Or, uh, how have you seen thathappen?
Kirstin (39:50):
Yes, but it was more like I.
Like friends, um, that weren'tin my immediate life, like
physical life, like just friendsthat I would talk to, like over
the phone.
And, um, and I knew that he,didn't like certain things that
they said.
And I remember just feeling solike offended and like, oh my
gosh, how come you not, like,you know?
Kimber (40:10):
I've been there too.
Yep.
Kirstin (40:13):
I think that whole part of me realizing.
Him not liking someone doesn'tdiminish my friendship with that
person.
And like I'm still allowed to befriends with that person.
And I think we talked about ittoo.
He is like, I mean, you canstill be friends with this
person.
You know, I think there is likea, a line there.
I think if it's someone in your.
Life's in your community andthere is tension that comes up
(40:34):
and it disrupts your marriage.
Your marriage should come first.
You know, I mean, like, thatneeds to come first, and if it's
a good friend, like that personwill support that.
But we haven't experiencedanything like that.
But I think it was more just meknowing that, you know, there's,
there's gonna be people in mylife that, he's not their
biggest fan, and that's okay.
It doesn't mean that person'sbad.
(40:54):
It doesn't mean that he's bad.
It doesn't mean that I can'tenjoy that person as much as I
did.
You know, it's just he'sdifferent from me and that's
okay.
It just goes back to that yousaid you're unified, but you're
unique.
And I think that's a really goodway of saying that.
which is hard because it's likeyou want your spouse, again, I
think we have this vision oflike, we're gonna be unified on
(41:16):
everything and we're gonna likeall the same
Kimber (41:18):
Right.
Kirstin (41:18):
and he's gonna watch a
Kimber (41:20):
We're so perfect for each other.
Yeah.
Kirstin (41:22):
Yeah, he's gonna.
Just love it.
And I remember once we watched amovie and he is like, it's so
dumb at the end, like, why doesthis character, he just saw the
character and the way she didthings differently through me.
And then when he, when I heardhis perspective, I was like,
actually that's really true.
How she acts is really horrible.
And if I were the man, I wouldfeel the same way he did, but I
just never thought about it thatway, you know?
So, but I wasn't expecting thatreaction to this movie that I
(41:45):
just loved and watched everyyear for Christmas and.
It's just realizing like ifwe're friends as husband and
wife, then we're allowed to bedifferent and we're allowed to
like, you know, say, oh mygoodness, I don't, I don't like
that.
Like, how can you eat thatthing?
And it's like, it's okay.
That's part of like thefriendship and you know, if it's
picture perfect all the time, alife would get really boring
(42:06):
and.
It would just be too boring.
Kimber (42:09):
Right.
I, I feel like as you'retalking, I'm.
I think where it gets blurry inmy mind is the difference
between preferences in, in thatkinda a situation or like,
discernment.
Because like if it'spreferences, then yes, it
totally is.
okay.
For us to like different thingsand to say like, this person, I
(42:32):
really enjoy being around them.
And for your husband to say, Ireally can't stand them.
Like, that's okay.
You know, because we likedifferent people, like
different, thank God, you know,not everyone likes me, you know,
but some people do, so that'sgreat.
You know, like we all havedifferent personalities that
click with different people, andso I think acknowledging that
that is going to also happenwithin.
(42:54):
our friendships that impact ourmarriage.
And I think that is really goodto acknowledge.
But then it's like the line tome, I think maybe is when it
becomes more about likediscerning something
problematic.
Like, you know, maybe in.
How a person like treats you or,you know, I think sometimes we
can't, it's harder to noticethat when you're the close one
(43:15):
and sometimes people near us seethat with a little more clarity
or, you know, if it's somethinglike, Hey, like I don't, I don't
like who you are when you'rearound them, or like, you know,
something like that that Isdeeper or bigger.
Um, I think that's a reallyimportant opportunity to like
trust our spouse and try tolisten to them.
But then I love what you saidabout like, talking about the
(43:37):
movie, like, talking about itand just being like, Hey, this
is what I see here.
And trusting your spouse's,discernment and like, you know,
view of things.
as valid in addition to yours,you know?
Cause I think sometimes I just,I think that, I know, I think I
know a lot more than I know, andso, and so I think that's like
(43:59):
an interesting way that, and Ithink we're, we're either all or
nothing.
A lot of times we like, we'relike, Nope, I can do whatever I
want.
And, you know, your opiniondoesn't matter.
Or we're like, are you okay if Ieat this for dinner?
Like, you know, or whatever.
Like, like there's a, there's aline there and.
Some things apply to one and notthe other, I think.
Kirstin (44:19):
Yeah, no, it's so true, man.
I had a thought and then it flewout of my brain.
Kimber (44:22):
Oh, so it goes, it happens.
That's okay.
Kirstin (44:26):
Mom brain.
Kimber (44:27):
that is the truth.
And speaking of like, postkiddos, because you guys, this
is your first, right?
This is your first kid.
Okay.
So, this is like a new challengetoo, perhaps, is like once you
have kids, I feel like thefriendship game.
Changes a bit.
I mean, some people, I thinkmore than others, maybe
(44:47):
depending on like yourpersonalities and your parenting
styles and stuff, but I thinkfor everyone it changes.
Some is like, you know, yourtime is in less supply, shorter
supply, I think.
And so that impacts how you canpour into your friendships.
But also then you have the, thefactor of we can't just go both,
go do our own things.
Like someone has to beresponsible for the.
(45:09):
At all times.
Right?
And so it's a lot of likesharing responsibility and like,
I think sacrificing whatsometimes we each want to do so
that we can either do our ownthings or be like, no, we need
to like prioritize family here.
So just what has been your guys'experience with like relearning
(45:30):
how you balance your needs forfriendship in marriage Post
kiddo.
Kirstin (45:34):
Yeah.
So the first thing that comes tomind for me, which isn't
necessarily friends, but I havea, because I'm a Mus, I'm a
musician as well, and I'veplayed music in like, you know,
church for years.
I'm not doing that right now andI really want to, but it was a
conversation of like, I reallywanna do this, can I do it once?
Our son turns one and my husbandwas like, let's just wait
(45:54):
because it's two services, it'sone evening.
It would just be a lot, youknow, he's still nursing and
Again, that's, it's kind of, itis related to friendship because
I get a lot of energy.
I'm like an extrovert, so I getenergy from like being with
other musicians and like gettingto know people.
It's a huge
Kimber (46:09):
Hmm.
Yeah.
Kirstin (46:11):
Which again, just goes back to like when you have a
kid, it's that dying to self allover again.
And yet they give you so much,like, there's such a gift.
It's like you're pouring intothis person who's literally
gonna help to hear of you oneday, who is gonna be a friend to
you one day.
Um, but I think it's just been aanother conversation of like,
can we go do this?
Or actually just last weekend,one of my friends had a birthday
(46:33):
party and.
Our son, I thought I might notbe able to go right before, cuz
he just started crying like 15minutes before.
We didn't know what was going
Kimber (46:41):
Oh my
Kirstin (46:42):
just teeth, I think it's teething.
And my husband was like, if he'snot okay, like just come home
soon.
And I was like, maybe I'm noteven gonna go because this is
not gonna be fun, you know, ifhe's
Kimber (46:51):
Right.
Kirstin (46:52):
So, But a lot of our friendships now have become more
like couple of friends andthere's not too many, cuz we
just don't have a lot of time.
So it's a lot of like you comeover to my house, our house, and
we'll all eat while the kids runaround or vice versa.
Or it's taking meals, you know,because someone just had a baby
and Yeah.
Um, Or it's been neighbors too.
(47:14):
We've had now our, our house is,our house is a little further
away from our literal next doorneighbors.
But the house where we werebefore, we were closer and we
would have conversations withlike the neighbor when we're
just like out walking in theevening.
So it's, it's less, and it is,it is kid-centric, but at the
same time it's not because, youknow, it's still like we both
(47:35):
have to.
Like jive with the, the, thecouples and, you know, having
that conversation.
Yeah.
And I always know, like if myhusband's like, let's, let's do
that again.
I'm like, okay, we're both likeon the same page.
We both like, you know,
Kimber (47:48):
Let's do a second date.
Yeah.
Kirstin (47:49):
yes.
Yeah, yeah.
Basically, yeah, it's true.
You can, you do kinda do that.
I've never thought about likethis before.
but then I, I did have a friendwho I knew in China who now
lives in the area, and she cameover to our house for hot pot
and then, and my husband wastelling me, he's like, yeah,
have her over again.
Or when I hadn't had her over,he's like, why don't you have
(48:09):
her over more?
And so to me, that, that blessesme so much when I hear him like,
That's the thing about, like,yes, you're different and it's
okay to like different things,but I think in marriage it's so
sweet.
You or your spouse like theother person's friend.
It's just like, oh, it's sosweet.
Because I do trust my husbandand I do trust his discernment.
(48:30):
Going back to what you said, andI think us as women too, this
was the thought that flew away.
That came back, it made me thinkof Eve where.
Like God tells her, you willdesire your husband, but he
shall roll over you.
I think some of that is whatyou're talking about of we think
we know everything, and so whenour husbands make comments about
people or situations, we'relike, yeah, right.
(48:51):
You don't what, whatever.
But really they often are.
Right.
And we need to humble ourselvesand think about, oh, You know,
he sees something that I don'tsee and like God has given him
to me as a protector.
Like I am very thankful that myhusband is a protector.
Like that's what they'resupposed to do.
(49:12):
And so also when they makecomments like that, they're not
trying to demean us.
They're not trying to be rude,they're not trying to, they're
not trying to do that.
They're trying to protect us.
They're trying to help us seesomething.
Kimber (49:24):
Hmm.
Kirstin (49:25):
And so I think that's something that we need to learn
as, as women who are Christians,that it's like our natural
tendency to like roll our eyes.
I remember actually reading in abook, she had a list of like 10
things.
If you're doing three of these10 things you need to work on
respect with your husband.
And one of them was likeEyerolling, I dunno.
She listed this list and I waschecking
Kimber (49:45):
were just like, oh, snap.
Kirstin (49:46):
is bad.
This is bad.
I need to go work on this.
But.
So, Yeah.
right now post kiddos, it's likea lot of couple friends, but
also, you know, some friends whoare just my friends.
And then, you know, that personwill come over and it's so sweet
to see, like, my husband andJoy, you know, friends who I
knew from a past life, you know,in my single years and, and vice
(50:09):
versa.
Like he's had friends who comeover and then, you know, I'll
get to know them and so, Yeah,it's, it's a season too and I
think right now we're bothacknowledging like, life is a
little busy.
We both work full-time, we takecare of our son during the day,
which is such a blessing cuz weboth work from home and we got a
dog, we have land, we got lawnto mow.
And so there's not a ton of timefor friendships.
(50:30):
But like church is a huge thing.
His family is close.
And then also small group, whichwe're actually hosting at our
house tonight.
So, Having those, you know,people come to our home.
That's a lot of what it lookslike.
It's less, you know, meeting ata restaurant before small group.
It's like, let's have you overcuz then our kid can run around
and we don't have to worry aboutanything.
Kimber (50:49):
Yes.
it's so nice to have those likeeasy, comfortable friendships.
It's a huge blessing that youcan do that with.
Oh, I love that.
Well, Kirsten, it was so goodhearing your perspective on this
tonight.
I, It's really encouraging forme to hear from like someone
else who, from a totallydifferent like life situation,
like different marriage,different area of the country,
(51:12):
all of the things, and it'slike, man, me too.
Like, you know, to feel those,feel those same things, but to
like be reminded of thatencouragement to like, Work
towards it and, trust ourhusbands within this, but that
we can, we can still do thisfriendship thing while even with
the challenges that marriagebrings to it.
And it can be such a blessing, Ithink, too, to have like, you
(51:34):
know, friendships that haveoriginated just within the
context of your marriage.
I think that those friendshipsare really special when you get
to share them with anotherperson too.
Hmm.
I love.
Well, Kirsten, as we wrap uphere, I would love for you to
share just like how, um, ourfriends listening can connect
with you further if they want toget to know you a little bit
more and get a peek at all of,you know, your wonderful
(51:57):
creative pursuits, that youshare online.
How can, how can we find ya?
Kirstin (52:01):
so I am on Instagram, so Kirsten Creates, which I know
my name is hard to spell, butit's K I R N T I N.
And then also my website is thesame.
Kirsten creates.com, so they canjoin my email list, which some
revamping I'm doing this nextquarter I think is gonna be much
more focused on my email list.
So I would say that's the placeto go, but I am also on, I.
Kimber (52:23):
Awesome.
Well, I love talking to youtoday.
Thanks so much for sharing yourstory with us and, just, uh,
giving us a little peek intoyour world and, uh, the marriage
challenges that we, we allshare.
Kirstin (52:34):
Yeah.
Thank you.
Kimber (52:39):
Friends.
I'm so glad you could joinKiersten.
I, this week on the, your sisterKimber podcast.
I love talking the joys andchallenges of marriage with you
all today and just how ourfriendships can thrive and
intersect with this most specialrelationship.
God has given us.
And if you are in the spotKiersten mentioned and looking
to go deeper with maybe a wifeof your husband's friend, I
(53:02):
might have something to help.
My current freebie is called 20facts to know about your
friends.
And it's a one stop shop kind ofway to gather some really
helpful details about a newfriend.
Just download it on my website,which is linked in the
description of this episode Thentext it to this potential friend
and say, Hey, I'd love to get toknow you more.
Do you want to swap answers?
(53:23):
This is a fun and just lowthreat way to get some really
helpful ideas for conversationstarters, when you do hang out
and just some ideas for how tosupport her in the future.
And if you haven't yet joined mynewsletter crew, will you visit
your sister kimbra.com tosubscribe?
When you subscribe, you get myweekly newsletter directly to
your email inbox, with a previewof what will be featured on the
podcast that week.
(53:43):
Plus a link to this month's blogposts and some other resources
to help you grow friendshipsthat honor God.
And Dre closer to Jesus.
I hope it blesses you.
Friends.
Thanks so much for being part ofthis community until next time.
It's your sister Kimber.
hey friends.
Welcome to the, your sisterKimber podcast.
My name is Kimberly Gilbert, andI'm so glad you're here.
Today, we are talking about thechallenges of growing
friendships while married fromnavigating the shift of
friendship while single to thenmaintaining old friendships and
growing new ones once married.
There's for sure a learningcurve here.
(00:30):
I'm excited to talk about thiswith my friend Kiersten.
She's a poet artist and musicianwith a heart for DCIS, and I
loved hearing more of her story.
And how she sees the image ofGod mapped onto our friendships
and our marriages.
Whether you're married now andsomewhere along the learning
curve of doing friendship whilemarried or you just hope to be
(00:51):
someday.
I hope our conversation todayhelps you grow authentic
community in your life andfriendships that honor God and
draw you closer to Jesus.
I wish we could dig into thiswith Kiersten over coffee today,
but this is the next best thing.
I'm so glad you're here, friend.
Let's get started.
(01:14):
Hey Kirsten.
Good.
Mor No, not good morning foryou.
It's evening for you.
It's good afternoon for me.
Kirstin (01:21):
Yes.
Kimber (01:22):
Is that right?
You're on the East coast, isthat right?
Kirstin (01:25):
Yeah.
And I didn't realize until I sawthe schedule that like Alaska
had a different time zone.
So it makes sense when sometimesit seems like you or Allie, who
I met you through, are postingreally late.
I'm like, why are they postingso late at night?
I'm like, oh, it's, they'relike, time is different from
mine.
Kimber (01:42):
Yeah, it's four hours different.
And I have a couple friends, onthe East Coast who used to live
here.
And so it's like such adifferent thing because it's not
just like, oh, we're a few hoursoff.
We're like in a different partof our day, you know?
And it's, so, it's reallystrange.
You don't really get used to it.
I feel like it's like a couplehours.
You might, it would be no bigdeal, but four makes a big
(02:05):
difference.
So, but thank you for, forjoining me today.
I'm so excited to talk to you.
Will you go ahead and introduceyourself to our friends?
Listening.
Kirstin (02:13):
Yes, so my name is Kirsten and I'm Midwest, born
and bred.
So I'm on the East coast ineastern time zone, but it was
not originally from here.
Kimber (02:23):
were you originally from?
Kirstin (02:24):
That's such a great question, which I never really
know how to answer, which is whyI always say Midwest born and
bred because.
I was born in Chicago and thenmy family moved to Northern
Minnesota about as northwest asyou can possibly go in the
state.
My dad was a pastor there, andthen we were also in another
town, six hours south for ayear, and then moved to Northern
(02:44):
Indiana, which was home forsince I was about 13.
But then I also lived overseasfor a little while, and so they
just say Midwest, cause
Kimber (02:52):
Midwest.
That's perfect.
That's perfect.
I'm originally from Kansas City,so that's why I asked, cuz I'm
like, Ooh, where?
So, yeah.
Awesome.
Kirstin (03:01):
So I lived overseas for a while and then I got married
to my husband and that's whenthe east coast life started and
I used to be a teacher.
So I taught overseas and thencame back, taught eighth grade
in America and decided I did notwanna keep doing that.
Kimber (03:15):
What did you teach?
Art
Kirstin (03:17):
I was an eighth grade language arts English teacher in
Northern Indiana, so I wasoverseas.
Was there for a year at theschool and then met my husband
that year and then moved out toBoston and he's in it.
He's Indian.
A lot of most Indians here arein it, and he was like, you're
really good at talking.
You should be a project manager.
Kimber (03:38):
Oh wow.
Kirstin (03:40):
do.
Now, my title is Scrum Master,but I usually say project
manager because no one reallyknows what a scrum master is
unless you're in
Kimber (03:46):
yeah, I just picture you like scrubbing things.
I don't know, like literally, sothat's probably not accurate.
Kirstin (03:52):
But yeah, in terms of like, my other part of my life
with like creative pursuit, soI've always been writing since I
was a kid and poetry I think hasalways been my first love with
creating, but I'm just acreative sometimes now what
creating looks like.
Finding a new recipe and tryingit out and one day I wanna
(04:15):
paint.
I don't have time or the mentalcapacity to do that now, but one
day Winston Churchill start atthat later in life and he was
actually really good.
So there's definitely, eventhough I'm now an it, I
cultivate that creativityoutside of work because that
needs to always keep going.
Otherwise, a little part of mefeels like it dies inside.
Kimber (04:33):
Yes.
I think that's a cool way tolook at it cuz I think so often
we get like kind of channeledinto like, oh my passions have
to come out through my work.
And I think that's really coolwhen they do of course.
But I love that you're like,okay, I can do something.
In my work life and also dosomething just in my private
life that is feeding that.
So I think that's, that's reallycool.
(04:55):
If you could only like, pursueone creative avenue for the rest
of your life.
I know this is like a reallyawful question, but if you could
only, what would be the one, theone thing
Kirstin (05:06):
It would be creative writing.
Before I met my husband, I wasgonna go back and get a master's
and have it in English.
But the program I wanted to do,we could do like creative
writing, like not minor cuz youdon't really do minors and
masters.
But, and then I got married, youknow, and went on a different
track.
But, but poetry and thatcreative writing is,
Kimber (05:27):
Hmm.
Kirstin (05:27):
it's my first love, I think, with the creative stuff.
So if I only had to do onething, it would be that.
Kimber (05:31):
I love that.
So I, I love the, like, broaderdefinition of creative, not just
like narrowing yourself intoone.
I actually used to be an Englishteacher too.
I don't know if you knew that.
Kirstin (05:42):
No
Kimber (05:43):
yeah.
I taught high school English.
I did for six years, and I'm notnow, but, um, maybe someday, who
knows?
But yeah, it, well, it was good.
It was good.
I, I enjoyed it while I did it.
And then it was time to.
toddler life, and I'm enjoyingthat stuff too.
So it's cool that we get to,change who we are like or what
we do, at least in the midst ofthat.
(06:04):
And you're in toddler life too,right?
Kirstin (06:07):
Just enterings.
Yeah, so my son is 13 months, sowe're entering that.
He still like my baby, but Ilook at him and I'm like, you're
not a baby.
Kimber (06:15):
Oh, well, yeah, mine is like 22 months, so almost two.
And it's definitely like overthe last six, which is about
that difference there.
I feel like he's moved from likebeing like a baby who does some
like.
Toddler ish things to like, ohwow.
Like you're a little dude.
Like as, I don't know.
It's crazy.
(06:36):
I like see him walking aroundand I'm just like, wow, you're
like a little boy.
We were eating lunch at arestaurant the other day and you
know, it's like there wasn'tlike a huge mess.
Like, there was still a mess, ofcourse, don't get me wrong, but
like, he was just like, he had alittle grilled cheese and he was
just sitting there eating it andlike looking around and I was
like, whoa.
You're like functioning rightnow.
Like, this is amazing.
(06:58):
It's like a, a glimpse, youknow,
Kirstin (07:01):
of the
Kimber (07:01):
of what we'll be.
Yeah.
But is good.
Oh, cool.
Well, Kirsten, I was so excitedto talk to you today.
Um, when we kind of connected, Iwas like, wow, there's so many
cool ways that we can, we get towork together here.
And so I'm excited for that.
Um, but today we're kind ofzeroing in on some marriage
stuff and we've been.
On the podcast in a series onloneliness, and we're kind of
(07:25):
getting close to wrapping it upin the next few weeks.
And so when we were talkingabout just like the challenges
that come with learning tonavigate friendships in the
context of marriage, I was like,oh my goodness.
Can't believe we haven't talkedabout this.
This would be a great thing totalk about.
And so I was really glad when,when you brought that up
because, It seems like it shouldbe a given.
(07:45):
Like, oh, like you get marriedand then like you still do
friendship of course.
But, but it does change and it,it shifts the way we do this.
And so, I'm really excited toYeah, hear your perspective on
that and what your story waslike through that.
And man, just like preparing forour conversation was so
interesting to me, likereflecting on this.
my husband and I are celebrating10 years in a couple weeks,
(08:06):
which is just like kind of crazyto me and exciting.
And so I feel like as I was kindof preparing for our
conversation, I was justreflecting back on like, oh,
like we have been doing this fora bit now.
And um, yeah, it was just likecool to think back to how things
changed when we first gotmarried and like how we learned
to navigate friendship and thedifferent seasons of our
(08:27):
marriage so far even.
And so I'm excited to, to hearyour side of it.
So what has been kind of.
Story with like marriage.
Um, and then we can kind of getto how friendship challenges
emerged from that.
But yeah.
What's your guys' story?
A little bit.
Kirstin (08:40):
So we met online a eHarmony, which I swore I would
never do before I did.
It.
So in Korea, when I lived inKorea, I remember very
distinctly telling my friendsmultiple times, I will never do
that.
I feel like I'm selling myself,like pushing my picture and
saying like, oh, hey, this isme.
Like come and get me.
Like I just, ugh, the idea Butlike I didn't meet anyone when I
(09:04):
lived in Korea.
I didn't meet anyone when Ilived in China.
And then I came home and I wasliving, you know, northern
Indiana and there weren't toomany eligible bachelors around.
And so I was like, what do I do?
Go sit at the local coffee shopand hope someone trips over my
feet and like proposes, you
Kimber (09:20):
right.
Totally.
Kirstin (09:22):
and one of my friends from China, uh, she wasn't
Chinese, but she was a foreignerlike me over.
Kimber (09:27):
Uhhuh.
Kirstin (09:27):
Most of the, people who do work for the Lord there go
to.
Thailand for a lot of these likemissionary retreats.
And so she was there the yearafter I came home and she was
like, Kirsten, there's so manygirls here who met their
husbands online a eHarmony, andthey're really great guys who
really love Jesus.
I think you should try it.
(09:49):
And I was like, oh man, maybe Ishould, because I really sense
that I was supposed to come homea, my, my dad has Parkinson's,
and so I wanted to be closer tofamily, but also I really felt
ready.
It was the first time in my lifewhere I felt like I was ready to
be married.
There wasn't anything else Iwanted to do as a single person
that I always felt like I wouldwonder what would've happened if
(10:09):
I would've done that thing.
Like I had done all the things.
I was like, I'm ready.
Kimber (10:13):
Wow.
Kirstin (10:14):
So I was on a couple dating sites, but then when on
eHarmony, I remember verydistinctly, like in church, my,
my dad was having kind of a badmorning, so he was out in like
the foyer and I had seen on myphone there was a, a deal, it
was like 1299 a month and it'susually really expensive.
And so I was like, dad, it's1299 a month.
He's like, that's like threecoffees.
Just do it.
(10:35):
So
Kimber (10:36):
Right.
Kirstin (10:36):
And then met my husband, I think, I think I went
on in like January and we metMarch 28th and we were very
expedited.
He's Indian, so Indian culture,you know, you have arranged
marriages, like very quick.
Things are normal for usWesterners, it's a little more
strange, but I never wanted todate for a really long time.
And there's, I, growing up mymom would talk about, you know,
(10:58):
if you're waiting just to fallin love and stay in love
forever, like you're never gonnastay married forever because.
Kimber (11:04):
Hmm.
Kirstin (11:04):
is hard.
And so it's love is acommitment.
And so we talked on the phone,you know, FaceTimed a lot, and
then he came to meet me and myparents in Chicago a month
later.
And then he proposed a monthlater and I
Kimber (11:16):
Wow.
Kirstin (11:17):
he proposed in my classroom actually.
So I don't think there was everso many jubilant voices over
someone being proposed to as inmy classroom with 30 like 13
year olds.
Kimber (11:29):
Oh, I bet they were so excited.
Oh
Kirstin (11:31):
Oh my gosh.
They were like screaming.
I have video coverage of likeall these different angles.
so that was really special.
So, but then we got marriedSeptember 1st and I moved out to
Boston.
So it was like five, fivemonths, six months.
So it was very fast.
and I am a very, I still need myalone time for creating, but I
am much more extroverted, much,much more than my husband.
(11:52):
Like, we'll both acknowledgethis, it's why it works, you
know?
And I think when I moved out toBoston, one thing I realized was
in terms of friendships,everyone knew me as Isaac's
wife, and I was trying to figureout who that was.
Like, I'm a wife.
I what?
What does that mean?
Kimber (12:12):
And so he already, he already lived in Boston, is that
right?
So he like had a communitythere.
Mm.
Yeah.
And so you're coming into that?
Kirstin (12:21):
Yeah.
And.
So that was, it was a, you know,starting to navigate just being
married.
And I think part of it, likeagain, we, we hadn't known each
other that long, so there was alot of getting to know each
other that happened.
But at the same time, I knowpeople who dated their spouses
for a long time and got marriedand still told me like, oh,
there's still an adjustmentperiod.
Kimber (12:40):
Yeah, there
Kirstin (12:41):
there's nothing like being married.
Other than being married.
And so I think, you know, evenif we had known each other for
longer, it still would've beenhard, um, because it's just
hard.
It's one of those things, youcan read all the books and try
to prepare, but until you do it,you don't really know what
you're getting into and youdon't really know how to do it.
Kimber (12:57):
Yeah.
My husband and I dated for fouryears, and so like we met in
high school and went throughcollege and got married at the
end of college, and so yeah, Ikind of totally agree with that,
that it's still just like, it'sdifferent because you're, you
just, it's a shift I think from.
Like, I am the one I rely on andI am the center of my universe,
(13:17):
essentially, to like, oh, nowlike I'm supposed to share that
with someone else.
And that to me is like, yeah,that's like the one of the
biggest shifts you make, youknow, in your life.
Other than like being, becominga parent, I feel like.
You know, that's the otherreally huge one where it's just
like your focus changes and soyeah, it doesn't quite matter, I
(13:38):
think, you know, how long you'veknown them.
That's a part of it, but it'sjust the perspective shift of
how you navigate your days andfriendship of course, like is
wrapped up in that.
So how did, like when you werein Boston, do you feel like you
eventually like figured out kindof The way to navigate through
this and kind of stumbled yourway through there.
(13:59):
What did that kinda look like?
Kirstin (14:01):
Stumbled my way through.
There is a very good way to putit because I think at first,
again, because I'm much more.
I'm more extroverted.
I process things like withpeople and I really only knew my
husband.
And you know, when you're firstmarried, there's a lot of
learning the other person, andsometimes they don't understand
you and you don't understandthem.
And so I think there was a biglearning curve for me of
(14:24):
learning that.
like, I would catch myselfbefore I would say something to
a friend.
I'm like, is this okay for me tosay?
Because you also have now thisother person that you're bound
to, in a way, you're not boundto anybody else and you don't
wanna say things that's goingto, you know, harm their
reputation.
And my husband's a great guy,you know, but like, regardless
of how great a person is, oursin comes out of marriage on
(14:46):
both sides.
And so, so there was definitelya learning curve for me of.
Learning that there's of now aboundary with what I can share.
Because before I would be anopen book, there was just about
anything
Kimber (14:58):
Yeah.
Kirstin (14:59):
anyone wanted to ask me about my life, I would share,
you know?
And I wouldn't even think twice,but there was that, okay, let me
think about this.
Is this o?
Is this okay to share?
Can I share this?
And I think for me, because I'mmore extroverted and.
Never really had, not that Ididn't have a filter, but that
other person being their filterthat wasn't there.
I think it was really hard forme, but it was all stacked up
(15:21):
on, on top of me being known asIsaac's wife.
And I didn't really know whothat was.
I didn't have, I had a part-timejob, but a lot of my days in
those early months was just mein the apartment by myself cuz
he would go to work and I thinkI was just, Lonely and I didn't,
I was trying to figure out allthis stuff, like my whole world
(15:41):
had changed.
And so I think there was aperiod where probably looking
back, I should have told myselflike, you're probably not gonna
feel like yourself for a while.
And that's okay becauseeverything is changing and it's
not supposed to feel the samebecause it's not the same
anymore.
and I think one thing thatchanged too was when I finally
told my husband, I'm like, Ireally need to go just hang out
with a friend, but I.
(16:02):
I don't know which person talkedto cuz I don't know who my
friends are yet.
Kimber (16:06):
Yeah.
Yeah.
Kirstin (16:07):
and he was really sweet.
He's like, well what about thisperson?
Like at church, cuz we, youknow, went to a church.
He had been going there beforeme and it was a great church.
And he is like, well this personseems really nice, why don't you
text her?
And I ended up texting her andwe had coffee and I was able to
share with her too, just some ofthe things I was feeling in
those early days of marriage.
And, and I had also kind of toldhim, I'm like, I'm feeling like
(16:27):
weird and I, I need to talk to afriend.
I don't wanna like say thingsthat you don't want me to say.
And he is like, I mean, it'sokay.
You know, because he had, hewould, he would have coffee with
a friend and be like, yeah, youknow, he says this about how
we're learning each other andstuff.
So I still remember like havingcoffee with her and her telling
me all the things you're feelingand going through, like I still
(16:47):
talk about these things with myhusband.
He's still learning how torespond to these things for me.
And so, which again, I feel likein friendship, So much of what
Satan wants to do with us whenwe struggle with things is to
make us feel like we're the onlyone going through it.
And it's rarely ever the casebecause we're so much more
similar than we all like toadmit, which is actually really
(17:08):
good because then we can helpeach other through different
seasons because we have peoplewho've been there and can speak
into our lives and be like,you're normal.
It's okay.
It's, it's really okay.
You're gonna make it through.
Kimber (17:20):
Yeah, I was talking to a friend the other day about, I
don't even remember what thecontext was, but you saying that
reminded me of you know, theidea that we think that our
struggles are so unique to usand I think it's just because
like they are in many ways, wehave, unique people in our
lives, unique challenges.
Our lives are all different, andyet, Satan isn't creative, God
(17:41):
is the creator, right?
And so the enemy's not going todo anything creative in our
lives.
He's just gonna twist things Itmight be a few degrees, it might
be a lot.
But the good news in that, likeyou said, is like he's not gonna
create something that we can't,find connection or hope from
someone else in.
(18:02):
You know, there's nothing new,that he can bring at us.
And so that was just likeencouraging to me to remember of
like, okay, there's gonna besomeone that.
Probably the Lord's gonna put inmy path to help me through that
and help me figure out how I, inmy own unique circumstances, can
navigate this very familiar andconstant, you know, thing among
all of us that is challengingus.
(18:23):
And marriage is like, Such acommon one that we can, I think
when we do reach out to others,because many people have gone
through it, and you're right.
Like, you're not the only onefor sure.
I'm interested about, um, totalk more about that idea of,
the boundary of privacy andauthenticity in marriage.
(18:44):
Because, I mean, like I said,you know, we're coming up on 10
years and yet I still findmyself.
Struggling to walk that a littlebit because I would say that I'm
more like you, like I'm prettyopen book, um, especially with
like my trusted people, but thesituation that I find in my life
is like, I have some separatefriendships where like, my
friends don't know Sean superwell.
(19:06):
Um, it's almost like a problemin both situations because if
they don't know your husbandsuper well, like they're not
also friends with himnecessarily, then it's more of
like, I don't wanna like throwhim under the bus with them
because, um, they don't havetheir own relationship to like
bounce that off of.
So all they're hearing is myportrayal of him, right.
(19:28):
And I wanna, I wanna honor himin that.
And the other side of it is likewith my close friends who were
Als who are also friends withhim, you know, like couple
friends and stuff.
they're his friend too, and Idon't wanna like hurt their
friendship because of what I'msaying.
And yet, we probably can bothagree that it's damaging when
(19:48):
you're not talking about.
Like working through your, yourstruggles with people in your
life.
And so I think sometimes thatcan go, you know, there are some
things that maybe should just goto a counselor or like a trusted
mentor.
But, yeah, like over the courseof your marriage, what has kind
of like learning that balancelooked like for you?
Because it sounds like that wassomething that came up right
(20:09):
away.
Kirstin (20:10):
Yeah, I think for me it was first having to tell my
husband that like I reallyneeded.
Friends that I c like, and thatwhen I would talk to friends,
it's not me trying to throw himunder the bus or disrespect him,
it's just me needing to processcertain things.
And that being said, I think onething I have learned is
(20:32):
sometimes there are that youknow, irritate me or I'm just
having a bad day and I'm havinga bad attitude and I shouldn't
talk to anyone because.
I think so often we, we, wecover ourselves with, I just
need a vent about this.
I'm like, no, we're actuallycomplaining.
Let's be real.
We're complaining and we're notsupposed to do that as
(20:53):
Christians.
And so the best piece ofmarriage advice I think I've
ever gotten was from a lady whowas in my parent small group
when I was really little.
She was single for most of heradult life.
I think in her fifties, Shefinally got married for the
first time.
And when I turned 30, I askedpeople in my life to give me
words of wisdom.
So she wrote back a card, andone thing she said was, when
(21:16):
there's hurt in your marriage,and again, this is like barring
any abusive situations.
So when there's hurt in yourmarriage, Go to God first with
that process with him, and thengo to your husband.
And what I found was when Istarted doing that, a lot of
times I would realize that maybethe root of why I was upset or
the root of that irritation orwhatever it was, wasn't actually
(21:39):
my husband.
It's me.
It's something in me that wastriggered because of something
he said or And it was like Icould work things out with the
Lord first.
And I think I think social mediadoesn't help with this as well
because you can see so manypeople on social media saying
like, I got married and then itwas the best year of my life
Kimber (21:57):
my life
Kirstin (21:57):
life is so it's dreamy.
And I'm like, okay.
Kimber (22:00):
Okay.
Good for you?
Kirstin (22:03):
yeah, exactly.
so I think it's separating likethe, you know, highlights of
social media and that we allhear too much of, I think
sometimes.
And the reality of like marriageis hard work.
Kimber (22:14):
Hmm.
Kirstin (22:14):
sometimes you just need to go to God with stuff and not
to people first, so go to himfirst.
But I will say like I, I have myclosest friend from the time
I've been in high school.
We've kept in touch all thetimes I was living overseas and.
been such a gift.
We became moms within like sixmonths of each other.
We got married within six monthsof each other, and she has been
such a blessing because I cansay things to her.
(22:37):
I think too, it's when you'reprocessing, like I can
acknowledge that I'm workingthrough something without being
specific.
I can say I'm.
I'm harboring anger in my hearttowards my husband.
Can you please pray for mewithout telling the whole story
and the situation?
Like a lot of times that doesn'tneed to be said.
And those are the kinds ofthings that would make other
(22:57):
people in your life who know youor don't know your husband.
Like either think he's horribleor you know, or vice versa.
If he's telling about you, theythink you're horrible.
You know, cuz I am, I'm a jerk alot.
So,
Kimber (23:10):
No, I love that and I, the other thing that I think is
really good about that is that.
Like, yes, totally agree aboutthe, only sharing like the
details that need to be sharedbecause that does like honor the
privacy of like your challengesa little bit, but it also like
is vulnerable about thesituation in ways that your
friend can pray for you or, youknow, give you advice if you're
(23:32):
looking for that.
But the other thing I like aboutwhat you said is that it was
like, I'm ha harboring anger inmy heart as opposed to.
can you believe what my husbandjust did?
Or whatever, you know?
which is probably more in thatangle of like venting and just
wanting someone to affirm yourfrustration or your anger or
whatever.
And that's not working towardsrestoration.
(23:54):
And so it's probably.
Not ultimately what is best forus.
And so I love the the likeacknowledging your part in it
and then asking your friend tocome alongside you and, and help
you with that.
And that probably is a productof processing with the Lord.
Because I think so often in our,in our struggles, at least I am
(24:15):
quick to like identify what myhusband is doing wrong.
Um,
Kirstin (24:20):
Yep.
Kimber (24:20):
And slow to identify what, what my part is in it.
And so, but I feel like when wesubmit those things to the Lord,
he does like reveal those thingsto us.
And at least, like, even justlike calm down a little bit, you
know, and, and, take a stepback.
And so then that can allow us tocome to our friends with maybe a
more like I statement approach.
(24:43):
And focusing up from that side.
I love that.
That's really helpful.
I feel like,
Kirstin (24:47):
Yeah, and I think too, For me in marriage, I like to
say marriage for me has beenlike a instant pot pressure
cooker.
It's just made all my sinssqueeze out and it's really
ugly.
And my closest friend, actually,she, when we were talking once
about, you know, learning to bemarried and navigating all this,
she's like, yeah, It's reallyeasy for us, like you're saying,
to see something in ourhusband's life and be like, wow,
(25:09):
that sin, oh my goodness, howcould you do that?
But for us, we think our sin iscute.
We're like, but I do this.
But it's just like cute.
It's like this thing I struggle,it's this thing I struggle with.
And really it's like, It's sin,it doesn't matter.
You know, we say sometimes I'mstruggling and it's kind of a
coverup for like, I'm harb, I'm,I'm nurturing this thing that
I've been doing for a long time,but I'm not willing to let it go
(25:31):
and really get to the root ofit.
And those little things are sooften I think in marriage will
come and just start to destroythings so that centering on the
Lord and then looking at, whatam I doing wrong in this
situation or how am I sittingagainst him?
Has been super helpful with,with filtering and then yeah,
with
Kimber (25:51):
Hmm.
I love that.
That's so good, He friend,forgive me for taking a quick
moment in this conversation toask a favor of you.
I hope my conversation withKiersten is blessing you today.
And if so, would you take amoment to rate and review the
show on apple podcasts?
Reviews are so helpful andencouraging new friends to find
(26:13):
the show.
And I love reading.
What is blessing you from thepodcast?
You can find the link to leave areview and the description of
this episode.
So, thank you so much for doingthat today.
Okay.
Now back to the show.
how long were you guys inBoston?
Kirstin (26:30):
We were in
Kimber (26:31):
season last?
Kirstin (26:32):
2018 until 2020, so we moved in the thick of Covid.
We didn't get to say goodbye tolike any of our friends except
for a one couple, couple friendwho had come and they like
helped us pack our truck andstuff.
Kimber (26:44):
oh my goodness.
Wow.
And that was, so then youstarted over in a new place
during Covid,
Kirstin (26:50):
We did, but my husband's family is in Northern
Virginia, which is where we are.
And so I, I do think, lookingback in like the friendship
realm, I think Virginia has beenmuch easier for me to navigate
than Boston because we both camehere as new people.
So again,
Kimber (27:09):
Yeah.
Kirstin (27:10):
Yes.
Yes.
And it was the first place wewere here together.
So, and at the end of Boston Idid have, you know, like we had
couple friends.
Kimber (27:18):
Yeah.
Kirstin (27:19):
I had my own friends.
He kinda had his own friends.
But then here it's been muchmore of couple friends because
like, we have a house, we got adog, now we have a child.
And so life is just verydifferent from being like
newlyweds in, you know, a Bostonapartment.
Now we're like living in thecountry, quote unquote.
I mean, you know, 15 minutes youcan get to whatever you want.
Kimber (27:41):
Right?
Kirstin (27:42):
We have land.
There's just, life is just sodifferent.
And so I think too now, becausewe're just more busy, I think I
had a lot of time in thoseBoston days to like, Process
everything I was feeling.
And when I wasn't sure how toprocess that with other people,
it just walled up inside of meand wasn't very pretty.
And so, so now like startingover in Virginia and kind of
(28:05):
working through those earlyyears of marriage and like
learning each other and breakingthe shoe in so it's more
comfortable, you know, um,
Kimber (28:12):
Yeah.
Kirstin (28:12):
I think friendships here, it still was tricky cuz it
was covid, but that was hard forthe whole world.
So,
Kimber (28:17):
Right.
At least it was, yeah, a shared,shared struggle.
For
Kirstin (28:21):
Yeah.
And so like friends that we havehere are mostly a couple friends
that we've met together andthen, have, have nurtured those
friendships together.
Kimber (28:30):
Yeah, I think that the whole idea of like couple
friends is something that is soimportant for our marriages, and
I'm not sure we always talkabout like how you get those or
how you find those.
I think that, you know,sometimes they just happen like,
and, and like you're lucky andyou happen to both like and
(28:50):
connect with like the othercouple.
But I'm not sure that's alwaysthe case.
but I think it's so important tolike, have these friendships in
our marriage that we can likepour into as a family.
And then also to have likeseparate ones that we can, you
know, That can just be separatefrom that.
But, you say that like by theend of Boston, you guys did kind
(29:12):
of have some couple friends thatyou had found that were, you
know, steady, even though youweren't necessarily, did you
find them together?
Do you feel like, after you weremarried, or was it like you ca
you were the one who like cameinto the established friendship
already?
Do you know what I mean?
Like what was that kind ofdynamic like?
Kirstin (29:30):
I came into them.
So there was really one maincouple.
There were some, but there wasone that I think both of us felt
comfortable and we, the four ofus enjoyed each other because
like you're saying, sometimes,you know, I might really like
the wife and then maybe myhusband doesn't really get along
with the husband and it's n it'snothing.
It's just like you don't clickwith
Kimber (29:51):
Or it's just like, yeah, they're not quite like your best
friend kind of thing.
Kirstin (29:55):
Yeah.
Or like he really gets alongwith a husband and I'm like, I
don't know.
I'm not really clicking with awife.
So there was one, one couplethat he knew from small group
that, they were just reallygreat and they also got married
shortly after we did.
And so we were just really inthe same season of life.
And, we would have, you know,lunch with him before small
group.
We were in the same small group.
We would do like, you know, 4thof July, I think we all went
(30:15):
down to the river of Boston and.
We also had our sons within liketwo weeks of each other.
So we haven't had a FaceTimecall yet since the babies have
been born, cuz life is crazy.
Kimber (30:26):
Yeah, totally.
Kirstin (30:27):
even after moving to Virginia, like we've kept in
touch with them, So yeah, I cameinto that and I think even
coming into that, at first, Iremember.
Just not really knowing what tosay.
Sometimes when all of these,like Boston, really smart
computer people, PhD at Harvardsand I was like, I don't, I feel
so dumb.
Like
Kimber (30:45):
Oh man.
Yeah.
Kirstin (30:48):
the things these people are saying, but it, and this
wasn't that they were mean orrude or anything like such nice
people.
Um, but it was just me.
It was just
Kimber (30:56):
You used to feel a little out of your Yeah.
Kirstin (30:59):
element.
And I'm like, I don't, again, itwas that I'm Isaac's wife, but
how would I be if I was bymyself, but I'm not.
I'm not by myself anymore.
I'm his wife and all thesethings be just like running
through my head.
And so it was probably meputting a lot more stress and
anxiety on myself and wasnecessary.
But just that whole transitionof like learning this new part
of who I was.
(31:20):
But I think one thing that wasimportant was I realized.
Like I'm still me.
You know, when we get married,there is a huge shift because
like you said, I'm no longer thecenter of my universe.
I need to think about that otherperson first.
It's not like, oh, I reallywanna go hang out with a friend
tonight.
Like, what's good for mymarriage?
What's good for my husband?
What does my husband need?
(31:41):
What do we need?
Like, do we need to just stayhome and, and hang out and just
watch a movie and like betogether?
And so it's that dying to selfand learning to think about that
other person first, which Ithink really my husband was way
better at than I was.
I think that's also cultural ine in the East, like the, the
unit, the family is soimportant.
(32:02):
You're always thinking about theother person.
And in the West we're soindividualized that I think for
us it's harder because it's,it's a bigger shift I think.
Kimber (32:11):
Hmm.
Yeah.
How have you seen other, likeways that.
the more Eastern cultures versuswestern cultures, ways that that
rubbed up in your marriage orbecame like, oh, like we think
differently about this kind ofthing.
Did you see any of that?
Or you also lived in the eastfor a while, so maybe that
helped as well.
Kirstin (32:32):
I would say, I mean, there are cultural differences,
but none that really stand outas super glaringly.
Really hard because he, we all,yeah, both of us wanted
something different.
Like I think because I lived inthe East, I wanted someone who
wasn't just like me, or if itwasn't American, it needed to be
someone who was very open toother cultures and he had lived
(32:52):
in the States so.
And I think early on we learnedto just talk about those things
and say, oh, you do that.
And I think food is a big thing,like just different things about
food and times of eatingactually, because um, in India
you just eat really late, whichI did in Italy when I lived
there.
I ate late.
But you know, when you're usedto like getting a meal ready and
(33:13):
everyone eats at like sixo'clock or something and then
that's just not how it works.
And
Kimber (33:18):
Right.
Kirstin (33:20):
so that was one thing that was different.
But again, Just having thatconversation and being like, so
I've noticed this.
Like, and then hearing, well,yeah, this is how, or even
watching Indian movies andrealizing, oh, that's how they
eat, like that, this makes somuch sense now.
Kimber (33:33):
Hmm.
yes.
and I think those kind of likequote how we do things you know,
those kind of differences cancome up in lots of different
marriages.
And so I think, I think thatadvice to just like notice them
and talk about them can be sogood.
It reminds me of just like,because marriage is like such.
foundational shift in your life.
(33:54):
I think it's really easy for itto get wrapped up in like your
identity, which is what itsounds like was like that
challenge for you in those earlyyears was okay, this is a part
of my identity now, but I don'tknow what this should look like.
And so that can play out in,lots of different ways in our
unique marriage situations, butit's Just kind of separating
(34:17):
like, okay, how much of myidentity is wrapped up in this?
Because certainly it impacts whoyou are and stuff, but your
identity isn't.
Your marriage, right?
And so it's like, I don't know.
It's a, a figuring out of thatbalance.
And I think that the same canhappen with our cultural
preferences, right?
Is like, you know, well this ispart of who I am, or is this
(34:38):
just how I do things?
And, you know, we can learn anew, a new identity almost, um,
in our marriage to each other.
So how have you seen kind ofyour identity like grow and
change over the course of yourwhole marriage?
From the, those first days whenit was like, oh my gosh, what
is, who am I, what does thislook like to, like, you know,
(34:59):
finding more stability in that.
Kirstin (35:02):
I think.
Again, that piece of advice ofprocessing with the Lord first
has been really important.
And I think for me too, it'sbeen me realizing that it's okay
if I like someone or somethingand someone like being like a
friend and my husband isn't tookeen on that.
It's okay for me to, you know,like really love a certain
(35:24):
friend and he's like, yeah, Idon't really.
You know, just for him to not bethat much of a fan of that
person and vice versa.
Like if he really lovessomething, it's okay for me to
be like, yeah, I don't reallywanna watch that movie, or I
don't really wanna do thatthing.
it's okay for us to have our ownunique things, even though we're
one, it's like the Trinity.
God the Father, God the Son,God, the Holy Spirit.
(35:46):
They're one.
And yet they're uniquepersonalities.
If we can say personalitiesabout God, but like Jesus
Kimber (35:52):
Yeah,
Kirstin (35:53):
yeah, Persons.
That's the word.
Kimber (35:55):
yeah.
You're good,
Kirstin (35:56):
isn't the son.
They're different.
They have different roles.
And for me it's figuring outwhat those roles are and then,
and then just like helping eachother.
You know, sometimes like I amwith my son, putting him to
sleep, and then my husbandcleans the kitchen, or maybe
he's doing something else and Ineed to mow the lawn.
Like, it's not like, you know,traditional gender roles.
(36:17):
Although I think there arecertain things that, you know,
there's a reason why we think inthose terms.
Like there's just a lot of logicto a lot of those, but that's
for a different conversation.
Kimber (36:27):
Yeah.
Yeah.
Kirstin (36:29):
but I think, allowing myself Know that it's okay for
me to enjoy something and myhusband doesn't have to be head
over heels for it, which I thinkplays into the whole idea of
like, your husband is your bestfriend, or your life is just
like picture perfect aftermarriage and, and so when you
realize, oh, I really love thisthing, or I really enjoyed this
(36:50):
person and husband.
Doesn't.
Then you're like, oh mygoodness, is this terrible?
Like no, it's just becauseyou're different people and
you're supposed to be differentpeople.
That's the whole point, right?
Like Jesus and the church arecompletely different, and yet he
still loves us as the churchbecause we're other.
It's the same in marriage.
Like you have a man, you have awoman, and we're totally
(37:13):
different, and yet there's,that's the beauty in.
Committing to someone who'stotally different from us and
choosing to love that person nomatter what.
Kimber (37:23):
almost presupposes struggle, because of the
difference.
Yeah.
Kirstin (37:28):
yeah.
Which I
Kimber (37:29):
yet we expect, yeah.
We don't expect that.
Yeah.
Kirstin (37:32):
Exactly.
Or, you know, I mean, everyoneis starry-eyed usually before
you get married and then you,you know, it's the reality of
marriage when also Satan is nowagainst you.
Like he doesn't want you.
To stay married.
He doesn't want you to bemarried and therefore he's going
to try to drive.
He's gonna take all of theopportunities for you to be
(37:52):
irritated at your spouse, foryou to act out in anger, for you
to be selfish.
He's like there just irking onthose tendencies and so we have
to fight.
I think that's like we have tobe active in taking every
thought captive and making itobedient to Christ, even in our
marriage.
So that our marriages can thrivebecause God is honored in those.
Kimber (38:13):
Right.
Right.
I totally agree because it'slike, if we don't expect those
challenges to come, then there'snothing to overcome in the name
of Jesus.
Right.
And so, I love that perspectiveof unity alongside uniqueness,
and like distinctness and howthat images the Lord.
Because I think that the trap oflike codependence, you know,
(38:35):
where it's like I can't be okayunless.
My spouse is okay, or whatever.
It's, that is such a hard thingto learn, like the distinct line
there, because we are told allthe time like, well, you're one,
you know, you're like, you know,you're together.
And, and that's true.
But we are still unique personsand so I love that room to like,
(38:56):
you know, not always.
Everything that, you know, yourspouse likes or whatever.
And what comes to mind for mewith that is, just like
situations when you don't, maybelike a friend that, or like a
spouse of a, your husband'sfriend or like, your husband is
good friends with someone thatyou just like really struggle
to, enjoy their presence.
(39:16):
Like, man, that is, that can besuch, I think a, a wedge.
Marriage because if, let's say Ihave a very close friend who,
um, my husband doesn't like thatlike become, that can become
like competition almost, right?
And, um, if the other, if thefriend knows that, then, you
know, is she like supporting mymarriage, like speaking life
(39:38):
into it?
Like that's hard to do.
And so, have you everexperienced that tension of
like, not liking.
Uh, your husband's friends oranything, or has that come up
for you?
Or, uh, how have you seen thathappen?
Kirstin (39:50):
Yes, but it was more like I.
Like friends, um, that weren'tin my immediate life, like
physical life, like just friendsthat I would talk to, like over
the phone.
And, um, and I knew that he,didn't like certain things that
they said.
And I remember just feeling solike offended and like, oh my
gosh, how come you not, like,you know?
Kimber (40:10):
I've been there too.
Yep.
Kirstin (40:13):
I think that whole part of me realizing.
Him not liking someone doesn'tdiminish my friendship with that
person.
And like I'm still allowed to befriends with that person.
And I think we talked about ittoo.
He is like, I mean, you canstill be friends with this
person.
You know, I think there is likea, a line there.
I think if it's someone in your.
Life's in your community andthere is tension that comes up
(40:34):
and it disrupts your marriage.
Your marriage should come first.
You know, I mean, like, thatneeds to come first, and if it's
a good friend, like that personwill support that.
But we haven't experiencedanything like that.
But I think it was more just meknowing that, you know, there's,
there's gonna be people in mylife that, he's not their
biggest fan, and that's okay.
It doesn't mean that person'sbad.
(40:54):
It doesn't mean that he's bad.
It doesn't mean that I can'tenjoy that person as much as I
did.
You know, it's just he'sdifferent from me and that's
okay.
It just goes back to that yousaid you're unified, but you're
unique.
And I think that's a really goodway of saying that.
which is hard because it's likeyou want your spouse, again, I
think we have this vision oflike, we're gonna be unified on
(41:16):
everything and we're gonna likeall the same
Kimber (41:18):
Right.
Kirstin (41:18):
and he's gonna watch a
Kimber (41:20):
We're so perfect for each other.
Yeah.
Kirstin (41:22):
Yeah, he's gonna.
Just love it.
And I remember once we watched amovie and he is like, it's so
dumb at the end, like, why doesthis character, he just saw the
character and the way she didthings differently through me.
And then when he, when I heardhis perspective, I was like,
actually that's really true.
How she acts is really horrible.
And if I were the man, I wouldfeel the same way he did, but I
just never thought about it thatway, you know?
So, but I wasn't expecting thatreaction to this movie that I
(41:45):
just loved and watched everyyear for Christmas and.
It's just realizing like ifwe're friends as husband and
wife, then we're allowed to bedifferent and we're allowed to
like, you know, say, oh mygoodness, I don't, I don't like
that.
Like, how can you eat thatthing?
And it's like, it's okay.
That's part of like thefriendship and you know, if it's
picture perfect all the time, alife would get really boring
(42:06):
and.
It would just be too boring.
Kimber (42:09):
Right.
I, I feel like as you'retalking, I'm.
I think where it gets blurry inmy mind is the difference
between preferences in, in thatkinda a situation or like,
discernment.
Because like if it'spreferences, then yes, it
totally is.
okay.
For us to like different thingsand to say like, this person, I
(42:32):
really enjoy being around them.
And for your husband to say, Ireally can't stand them.
Like, that's okay.
You know, because we likedifferent people, like
different, thank God, you know,not everyone likes me, you know,
but some people do, so that'sgreat.
You know, like we all havedifferent personalities that
click with different people, andso I think acknowledging that
that is going to also happenwithin.
(42:54):
our friendships that impact ourmarriage.
And I think that is really goodto acknowledge.
But then it's like the line tome, I think maybe is when it
becomes more about likediscerning something
problematic.
Like, you know, maybe in.
How a person like treats you or,you know, I think sometimes we
can't, it's harder to noticethat when you're the close one
(43:15):
and sometimes people near us seethat with a little more clarity
or, you know, if it's somethinglike, Hey, like I don't, I don't
like who you are when you'rearound them, or like, you know,
something like that that Isdeeper or bigger.
Um, I think that's a reallyimportant opportunity to like
trust our spouse and try tolisten to them.
But then I love what you saidabout like, talking about the
(43:37):
movie, like, talking about itand just being like, Hey, this
is what I see here.
And trusting your spouse's,discernment and like, you know,
view of things.
as valid in addition to yours,you know?
Cause I think sometimes I just,I think that, I know, I think I
know a lot more than I know, andso, and so I think that's like
(43:59):
an interesting way that, and Ithink we're, we're either all or
nothing.
A lot of times we like, we'relike, Nope, I can do whatever I
want.
And, you know, your opiniondoesn't matter.
Or we're like, are you okay if Ieat this for dinner?
Like, you know, or whatever.
Like, like there's a, there's aline there and.
Some things apply to one and notthe other, I think.
Kirstin (44:19):
Yeah, no, it's so true, man.
I had a thought and then it flewout of my brain.
Kimber (44:22):
Oh, so it goes, it happens.
That's okay.
Kirstin (44:26):
Mom brain.
Kimber (44:27):
that is the truth.
And speaking of like, postkiddos, because you guys, this
is your first, right?
This is your first kid.
Okay.
So, this is like a new challengetoo, perhaps, is like once you
have kids, I feel like thefriendship game.
Changes a bit.
I mean, some people, I thinkmore than others, maybe
(44:47):
depending on like yourpersonalities and your parenting
styles and stuff, but I thinkfor everyone it changes.
Some is like, you know, yourtime is in less supply, shorter
supply, I think.
And so that impacts how you canpour into your friendships.
But also then you have the, thefactor of we can't just go both,
go do our own things.
Like someone has to beresponsible for the.
(45:09):
At all times.
Right?
And so it's a lot of likesharing responsibility and like,
I think sacrificing whatsometimes we each want to do so
that we can either do our ownthings or be like, no, we need
to like prioritize family here.
So just what has been your guys'experience with like relearning
(45:30):
how you balance your needs forfriendship in marriage Post
kiddo.
Kirstin (45:34):
Yeah.
So the first thing that comes tomind for me, which isn't
necessarily friends, but I havea, because I'm a Mus, I'm a
musician as well, and I'veplayed music in like, you know,
church for years.
I'm not doing that right now andI really want to, but it was a
conversation of like, I reallywanna do this, can I do it once?
Our son turns one and my husbandwas like, let's just wait
(45:54):
because it's two services, it'sone evening.
It would just be a lot, youknow, he's still nursing and
Again, that's, it's kind of, itis related to friendship because
I get a lot of energy.
I'm like an extrovert, so I getenergy from like being with
other musicians and like gettingto know people.
It's a huge
Kimber (46:09):
Hmm.
Yeah.
Kirstin (46:11):
Which again, just goes back to like when you have a
kid, it's that dying to self allover again.
And yet they give you so much,like, there's such a gift.
It's like you're pouring intothis person who's literally
gonna help to hear of you oneday, who is gonna be a friend to
you one day.
Um, but I think it's just been aanother conversation of like,
can we go do this?
Or actually just last weekend,one of my friends had a birthday
(46:33):
party and.
Our son, I thought I might notbe able to go right before, cuz
he just started crying like 15minutes before.
We didn't know what was going
Kimber (46:41):
Oh my
Kirstin (46:42):
just teeth, I think it's teething.
And my husband was like, if he'snot okay, like just come home
soon.
And I was like, maybe I'm noteven gonna go because this is
not gonna be fun, you know, ifhe's
Kimber (46:51):
Right.
Kirstin (46:52):
So, But a lot of our friendships now have become more
like couple of friends andthere's not too many, cuz we
just don't have a lot of time.
So it's a lot of like you comeover to my house, our house, and
we'll all eat while the kids runaround or vice versa.
Or it's taking meals, you know,because someone just had a baby
and Yeah.
Um, Or it's been neighbors too.
(47:14):
We've had now our, our house is,our house is a little further
away from our literal next doorneighbors.
But the house where we werebefore, we were closer and we
would have conversations withlike the neighbor when we're
just like out walking in theevening.
So it's, it's less, and it is,it is kid-centric, but at the
same time it's not because, youknow, it's still like we both
(47:35):
have to.
Like jive with the, the, thecouples and, you know, having
that conversation.
Yeah.
And I always know, like if myhusband's like, let's, let's do
that again.
I'm like, okay, we're both likeon the same page.
We both like, you know,
Kimber (47:48):
Let's do a second date.
Yeah.
Kirstin (47:49):
yes.
Yeah, yeah.
Basically, yeah, it's true.
You can, you do kinda do that.
I've never thought about likethis before.
but then I, I did have a friendwho I knew in China who now
lives in the area, and she cameover to our house for hot pot
and then, and my husband wastelling me, he's like, yeah,
have her over again.
Or when I hadn't had her over,he's like, why don't you have
(48:09):
her over more?
And so to me, that, that blessesme so much when I hear him like,
That's the thing about, like,yes, you're different and it's
okay to like different things,but I think in marriage it's so
sweet.
You or your spouse like theother person's friend.
It's just like, oh, it's sosweet.
Because I do trust my husbandand I do trust his discernment.
(48:30):
Going back to what you said, andI think us as women too, this
was the thought that flew away.
That came back, it made me thinkof Eve where.
Like God tells her, you willdesire your husband, but he
shall roll over you.
I think some of that is whatyou're talking about of we think
we know everything, and so whenour husbands make comments about
people or situations, we'relike, yeah, right.
(48:51):
You don't what, whatever.
But really they often are.
Right.
And we need to humble ourselvesand think about, oh, You know,
he sees something that I don'tsee and like God has given him
to me as a protector.
Like I am very thankful that myhusband is a protector.
Like that's what they'resupposed to do.
(49:12):
And so also when they makecomments like that, they're not
trying to demean us.
They're not trying to be rude,they're not trying to, they're
not trying to do that.
They're trying to protect us.
They're trying to help us seesomething.
Kimber (49:24):
Hmm.
Kirstin (49:25):
And so I think that's something that we need to learn
as, as women who are Christians,that it's like our natural
tendency to like roll our eyes.
I remember actually reading in abook, she had a list of like 10
things.
If you're doing three of these10 things you need to work on
respect with your husband.
And one of them was likeEyerolling, I dunno.
She listed this list and I waschecking
Kimber (49:45):
were just like, oh, snap.
Kirstin (49:46):
is bad.
This is bad.
I need to go work on this.
But.
So, Yeah.
right now post kiddos, it's likea lot of couple friends, but
also, you know, some friends whoare just my friends.
And then, you know, that personwill come over and it's so sweet
to see, like, my husband andJoy, you know, friends who I
knew from a past life, you know,in my single years and, and vice
(50:09):
versa.
Like he's had friends who comeover and then, you know, I'll
get to know them and so, Yeah,it's, it's a season too and I
think right now we're bothacknowledging like, life is a
little busy.
We both work full-time, we takecare of our son during the day,
which is such a blessing cuz weboth work from home and we got a
dog, we have land, we got lawnto mow.
And so there's not a ton of timefor friendships.
(50:30):
But like church is a huge thing.
His family is close.
And then also small group, whichwe're actually hosting at our
house tonight.
So, Having those, you know,people come to our home.
That's a lot of what it lookslike.
It's less, you know, meeting ata restaurant before small group.
It's like, let's have you overcuz then our kid can run around
and we don't have to worry aboutanything.
Kimber (50:49):
Yes.
it's so nice to have those likeeasy, comfortable friendships.
It's a huge blessing that youcan do that with.
Oh, I love that.
Well, Kirsten, it was so goodhearing your perspective on this
tonight.
I, It's really encouraging forme to hear from like someone
else who, from a totallydifferent like life situation,
like different marriage,different area of the country,
(51:12):
all of the things, and it'slike, man, me too.
Like, you know, to feel those,feel those same things, but to
like be reminded of thatencouragement to like, Work
towards it and, trust ourhusbands within this, but that
we can, we can still do thisfriendship thing while even with
the challenges that marriagebrings to it.
And it can be such a blessing, Ithink, too, to have like, you
(51:34):
know, friendships that haveoriginated just within the
context of your marriage.
I think that those friendshipsare really special when you get
to share them with anotherperson too.
Hmm.
I love.
Well, Kirsten, as we wrap uphere, I would love for you to
share just like how, um, ourfriends listening can connect
with you further if they want toget to know you a little bit
more and get a peek at all of,you know, your wonderful
(51:57):
creative pursuits, that youshare online.
How can, how can we find ya?
Kirstin (52:01):
so I am on Instagram, so Kirsten Creates, which I know
my name is hard to spell, butit's K I R N T I N.
And then also my website is thesame.
Kirsten creates.com, so they canjoin my email list, which some
revamping I'm doing this nextquarter I think is gonna be much
more focused on my email list.
So I would say that's the placeto go, but I am also on, I.
Kimber (52:23):
Awesome.
Well, I love talking to youtoday.
Thanks so much for sharing yourstory with us and, just, uh,
giving us a little peek intoyour world and, uh, the marriage
challenges that we, we allshare.
Kirstin (52:34):
Yeah.
Thank you.
Kimber (52:39):
Friends.
I'm so glad you could joinKiersten.
I, this week on the, your sisterKimber podcast.
I love talking the joys andchallenges of marriage with you
all today and just how ourfriendships can thrive and
intersect with this most specialrelationship.
God has given us.
And if you are in the spotKiersten mentioned and looking
to go deeper with maybe a wifeof your husband's friend, I
(53:02):
might have something to help.
My current freebie is called 20facts to know about your
friends.
And it's a one stop shop kind ofway to gather some really
helpful details about a newfriend.
Just download it on my website,which is linked in the
description of this episode Thentext it to this potential friend
and say, Hey, I'd love to get toknow you more.
Do you want to swap answers?
(53:23):
This is a fun and just lowthreat way to get some really
helpful ideas for conversationstarters, when you do hang out
and just some ideas for how tosupport her in the future.
And if you haven't yet joined mynewsletter crew, will you visit
your sister kimbra.com tosubscribe?
When you subscribe, you get myweekly newsletter directly to
your email inbox, with a previewof what will be featured on the
podcast that week.
(53:43):
Plus a link to this month's blogposts and some other resources
to help you grow friendshipsthat honor God.
And Dre closer to Jesus.
I hope it blesses you.
Friends.
Thanks so much for being part ofthis community until next time.
It's your sister Kimber.
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