July 19, 2023 • 41 mins
We all want a friend who is trustworthy, in whom we can confide with confidence, but the truth is that, while we can try to be discerning about who we share what with, at the end of the day, friendship demands trust.
So how can we lead the way in being a friend who is trustworthy for our people?
Kimber and series guest co-host Meghan Fravel look at three areas of friendship that demand trust: in the moment, behind your back, and down the road. Check out this episode to learn how we can grow as trustworthy friends in each of these areas.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Kimber (00:09):
Hey friends.
Welcome to the, your sisterKimber podcast.
My name is Kimberly Gilbert, andI'm so glad you're here.
My summer guest co-host Meganfrable.
And I are talking today aboutwhat it looks like to be a
friend who is trustworthy in allareas of our relationships.
We get into harsh judgmentgossip and not keeping a record
(00:30):
of wrongs in today'sconversation.
And I know it challenged me inhow I honor my friends with my
words, with my actions and evenwith my silence sometimes.
I wish we could all talk thisout over coffee today, but this
is the next best thing.
I'm so glad you here, friend.
Let's get started.
(00:52):
Hey friends.
Please welcome back.
My guest co-host for the summerseries, Megan phrasal.
How are you doing Megan?
Meghan (00:59):
I'm doing great.
How are.
Kimber (01:01):
Yeah, I'm good.
We have been on a bit of asummer break here at the podcast
for just the last few weeks.
And so, I'm happy to be backtalking with you.
It's been so fun.
Um, we've talked about like allthe things, I feel like
Meghan (01:15):
all thanks.
Kimber (01:16):
Yeah.
So, and we're gonna get a fewmore of all the things.
Meghan (01:19):
Yes.
Kimber (01:20):
up in these next few weeks.
but we haven't talked in alittle bit, what is like one fun
summer thing that you've done.
Since we last talked, we've hadapproximately like four days of
summer.
Meghan (01:30):
I was gonna, I was just gonna say, well, summer, um,
Kimber (01:34):
that.
Meghan (01:35):
currently raining, um, yes.
The other, so Monday, it wasbeautiful.
I was gorgeous out and so I wentout, um, I couldn't get out
early in the morning, so I wentout hiking around like
afternoon, like 12 o'clock.
It was so, it was so hot.
So hot.
I'm like, this is why I hike atlike five in the morning and not
(01:56):
at noon.
but I took out a book.
I brought a book out with me andlike my boom speaker, and I just
found this like big, big rock,like nobody was around me.
And I literally just put on somemusic and laid in the sun for
probably over an hour and read alittle bit and just like took a
nap out in the woods withcountry music.
it.
was awesome.
Kimber (02:15):
And, you got, if only it worked like this, we could get
like a whole week's worth ofvitamin D in one sitting like.
Meghan (02:22):
Yeah.
I didn't even wear
Kimber (02:23):
by the smart people, it doesn't work that way.
Meghan (02:26):
No, I didn't even wear sunblock.
I'm like, burn, burn, burn me.
Kimber (02:31):
So true.
So true.
This is going to be coming outlike mid to late July.
So this conversation, and so,man, I'm hoping.
Meghan (02:41):
We
Kimber (02:41):
keep saying this, I feel like, like maybe by this time
it'll be study.
Meghan (02:46):
I feel like every day I'm like, we're about to turn a
corner.
The corner's not next corner.
Kimber (02:51):
like start wearing shorts.
I'm like, I'm just sending itand it's too cold for this, but
it's fine.
Meghan (02:57):
You know what?
it's fine.
Yep.
I'm wearing my sandals rightnow.
I'm like, I don't care.
It's raining.
I don't
Kimber (03:02):
all good.
Well, I love it.
Well, we have been, if you werelistening and just kind of
hopping in randomly, we havebeen in a series here on the
podcast called being the friendyou need.
And we've been going throughthis all summer so far.
I really encourage you if you'rejust jumping into like go back
and listen to the intro episode.
It was episode 52.
And it's called being thefriends you need.
(03:22):
And in that conversation, Megan,and I kind of just talk about
like the vision for this seriesand, like kind of where this
idea came from what we mean byit.
And.
Um, just like where we hope thatthese conversations will invite
you guys listening to, it's beenkind of all about just how our
relationship with Jesus canspill out into our friendships
and help us grow in being thatkind of friend that we want in
(03:46):
our lives.
So this isn't really about justlike try harder, do better, but
it's more about how these thingsthat we want to pursue at Jesus,
um, actually impact ourfriendships in some really cool
ways.
And so Megan, I would love tohear at this point kind.
In our conversations.
What do you feel like is an areaof friendship that you've just
seen growing this summer?
(04:06):
Or like, what do you feel likeGod is kind of working on in
your relationships right now?
Meghan (04:11):
Um, I think that one of the big things is just taking it
to a deeper level has beenreally good.
Like, ha making more space forauthentic, deeper conversations
and not just like, while it'sgreat and I love, like, hey,
let's just go hike.
And sometimes you can havedeeper talks or whatever, but
we're usually doing somethingdifferent, you know, so just
making that space of like, Ireally wanna like get together
(04:33):
with you and.
Like really invest in likewhat's going on in your life.
Um, and so just kind of morecommunicating that of, hey, this
is what, like one of my goals isfor us to get together.
Um, so that's been reallywonderful just to, to do that.
We've been, I've been meetingwith a friend like once a week
and we've just been like walkingthe track and it's like to go
deep with each other.
(04:53):
So that's been really fun.
Kimber (04:55):
That's cool.
How did you like, express thatthat was something that you
wanted?
Because I think that's somethingsome people struggle with is
like, they want that kind of,those kinds of conversations in
their friendships, but they'relike, How do I initiate
Meghan (05:07):
yeah, yeah.
Um, I just say it.
like, yeah, I Just said it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Kimber (05:13):
Yeah.
Absolutely.
Meghan (05:15):
I don't have a problem expressing, but just, uh, Yeah.
I was like, Hey, I wanna, I wasthinking about doing this or you
know, are you cool with that?
And I dunno.
Yeah.
Kimber (05:23):
Yeah, absolutely.
What is like Ben, your favorite?
Fruit that's come out of thatkind of intentional time to like
go deeper with that person.
Meghan (05:31):
I think that it's brought me like, well, just our
friendship closer together.
I feel like it's been reallywonderful to kind of see a
different piece of Jesus throughmy friend, like when we're
talking and what, like what shefeels like the Holy Spirit's
telling her or opinions or kindof like their advice, whatever
it is.
Um, just to kind of hear thatdifferent perspective of it has
(05:52):
been.
Yeah, really life giving andwonderful, so yeah.
Kimber (05:56):
before, the break that we took the past few weeks with,
from these conversations we weretalking about.
Um, how we can like growspiritual intimacy in our
relationships with people justmeaning like that closeness in
spiritual matters, because Ithink it's, it can be easy to go
through a friendship and like,maybe even, you know, that
you're both Christians, butlike, do you talk about your
(06:18):
spirituality with each other,you know, and.
And sometimes it can be hard tolike kind of, bridge into that,
those kinds of conversations.
And so I really love that you'recreating some intentional space
for that and that then you'reseeing the fruit of that.
I feel like a big part of thatis what we're talking about
today.
And that is.
Um, being in relationships thatyou feel like you can trust the
(06:40):
person in that, and then viceversa, being a trustworthy
friend.
And I think that, you know, weall want that, like, of course.
My friends who are trustworthy.
and so I think that it issomething that we could
demystify a little bit.
And so today I want to talk alittle bit about just like what
this looks like.
Like, what are some of the.
(07:01):
some of the fruit that we shouldlook for in people that are
potentially going to be liketrustworthy people that we could
lean into those relationships.
And then how do we demonstratethat in practical ways to our
people.
And as far as like our serieskind of concept, I feel like
this trustworthiness is justlike such a reflection of the
character of God.
And just that idea that like theways that.
(07:22):
He interacts with us.
Like he is trustworthy, right.
that can be a model for how wedo friendship.
And so this is kind of an aspectof that relationship that we
like, see how God behavestowards us.
Even when we dropped the ballon, you know, honoring him and
stuff.
and then how we can like befriends who are trustworthy,
even when our friends maybe dropthe ball.
(07:44):
On us in that regard.
And so, one thing that I waskind of thinking about with this
is just the idea of girl hurt,um, and kind of that.
Not a relevant topic at all.
I'm sure.
To any of us, um, But I wasthinking about this, like, you
know, I hear P I've heard peoplesay before, and I've experienced
this too.
(08:04):
Like It's a struggle to trust afriend sometimes in a
relationship because of previoushurt, like it, your inability,
or like a challenge to trustsomeone in a new friendship
might have very little to dowith that friendship.
In fact, probably has verylittle do with that.
It's probably previous.
Would you agree with that?
Meghan (08:21):
Absolutely.
Oh yeah, absolutely.
Yeah.
Kimber (08:24):
so so I would love to hear kind of, you know, have you
experienced girl hurt?
Um, how do you feel like thathas impacted your friendships
down the road?
Like.
You know, what is kind of thedynamic here of how past hurt?
Impacts our ability to trust ourfriends today.
Meghan (08:42):
Yeah, yeah.
Yes, I've experienced lots ofgirl hurt.
Um, you know, I think just mywhole life and I'm, and I've
been the one that's done it too.
Like it's not just, you know, meor that I'm the one that's.
Been hurt the most, but, um,yeah, absolutely.
And I find for me, I tend to bea pretty trusting person
upfront.
It's when I start to get closerto people that I feel that like,
(09:08):
that will trigger of, of pasthurt starting to kind of flare
up a little bit.
Like, the what ifs.
Yep.
Yep.
It's like oh, now I'm gettingclose to this person.
Are they gonna leave?
You know, is that, that's thatfor me, that is what will always
go through my brain.
Um, and a lot of that is just mypast.
Her and I have found that thathas made like a chasm between my
(09:29):
friendships because I'mprojecting something onto them
that they.
Have not done to me.
You know?
Um, and they're like, Hey, I'mtrying to get close, but if
you're like, waiting for theshoe to drop, basically, you
know, like, how's that going tohelp our friendship?
I'm like, no, it's, you'reright.
Like it's 100% true.
Um,
Kimber (09:47):
I feel like I do the same thing, but, but then like
the challenges.
You're like you said thereyou're like, yeah, it won't
help, but I still do it.
Meghan (09:57):
but I still do it.
Kimber (09:58):
It's like, I think we intellectually acknowledged this
and that.
I think there is space obviouslyhere for things like counseling
and.
You
Meghan (10:05):
100%.
100%.
Kimber (10:07):
through.
Your your junk.
Um, but in the midst of it, itstill impacts right.
Even as we're working throughthat.
Meghan (10:15):
yep.
And so I think it's reallyimportant to, I would say, be
honest with your friends oflike, Hey, I've experienced some
of her and this is where likemaybe I still have some
woundings that haven't beenfully healed over yet.
Um, And it has nothing really.
It's that whole, like, it's me,it's not me.
It's, or it's you.
It's not whatever.
(10:36):
Um, It's me.
Um,
Kimber (10:39):
me
Meghan (10:39):
and it's me not you.
Kimber (10:41):
No way.
Oh, wait.
What's the phrase.
Meghan (10:43):
what is that the phrase.
It's me.
It's not you it's me.
Yeah.
Som like, what?
It's not you, it's
Kimber (10:48):
We were close.
Meghan (10:49):
you're close.
Um, and yeah, I think just beingreally open and honest about
that too.
And because then that gives themthe ability of knowing where
you're at and how they can maybelove you well through that and
maybe even walk you through,okay, well how can we, how can
we get this part of you healed?
You know, maybe that is yougoing to counseling, maybe that
is just, Hey, I have a heads upand I.
(11:12):
When I feel that like wall goup, I, I know what that is.
Kimber (11:15):
Yeah, absolutely.
I feel like I'm the same way.
Like I usually give trust prettyeasily until I feel like someone
mishandles.
Meghan (11:25):
Yeah.
Kimber (11:25):
I've trusted with them in some way.
And I recognize fully that thata lot of that is informed by
past hurt.
And
Meghan (11:34):
Mm-hmm.
Kimber (11:35):
as I try to work through that, you know, in healthy ways,
that can always be growing, butthe reality is that.
I experienced things fromfriends.
And like you said, I.
am the perpetrator of, you know,these things too at times.
That that break down trust in myrelationship.
And I feel like when thathappens, It's obviously then
(11:56):
harming our relationships inlots of different ways.
And so, as I was kind ofthinking about some different
ways that I feel like this canhappen, I sort of thought of
kind of three areas that.
I would love to pick your brainon how we can try to kind of
flip the tables on this andlike, how can I be someone who
is trustworthy in this kind ofmoment?
(12:18):
Not just, how do I need myfriends to serve me here, um,
as, as trustworthy people, buthow can I lead the way in this?
And so as we get into those kindof three areas, I would love to
start with just like broadpicture.
Um, what do you feel like?
It means to be a trustworthy.
Worthy friends.
So if we're like acknowledgingour hurt, right.
(12:40):
And how we hope that peoplewill, treat us as trustworthy
people, we can't really controlthat.
We can only lead the way in it.
And so, um, what do you feellike that looks like if you
described someone as atrustworthy friend, what do you
think would kind of be theoutward manifestations of that?
Meghan (12:57):
Uh, I think if I was to describe a trustworthy friend,
it'd be someone that?
keeps our issues between eachother.
that tells me the truth isn't.
So, it's not only just likekeeping things private between
us, but also isn't afraid tostep on my toes a little bit
either.
Um, And that they can trust myresponse, you know, I know it's
(13:19):
not always gonna be awesome orvice versa, that we're able to
have that kind of ironsharpening iron conversation if
it needs to happen.
I think that it means protectingyour name behind your, your
back, you know, in groupsettings if your name were to
come up, um, someone that's notgonna just go with the flow of
what's happening, but say, ohyeah, you know, let's change
that subject, or, She's not, youknow?
(13:42):
Um, so for me, that would besome of the qualities,
definitions I look for.
Kimber (13:46):
would think of.
Yeah.
I feel like the, the behind myback gossiping one is definitely
one that came to mind for me, aswell as like, uh, you said,
like, tell me the truth in themoment.
Like, to me.
That in the there's an in themoment trustworthiness.
That happens.
and I think the flip side ofthat is.
Judgmentalism, like in themoment, you know, um, there's a
(14:09):
behind my back.
Like trustworthiness and it'shappened when I have no idea
what's happening.
And I can't really know aboutthat unless I hear about it on
the road.
but I have to trust that.
And then I think there's like adown the road kind of.
One as well, where for me theidea of like weaponizing things
that I share can come in.
So, um,
Meghan (14:30):
yeah.
That's good.
Kimber (14:31):
Yeah.
So let's kind of get into the,like in the moment when, so like
that responding, um, you know,you share something with someone
or someone, I guess we shouldsay it from the perspective of
someone shares something withme.
In a moment that maybe is like alittle bit hard to receive or
maybe.
I just, I hear it.
And I'm like, oh wow.
(14:51):
I have lots of opinions aboutthat.
Like,
Meghan (14:54):
Yes.
Kimber (14:55):
You know what I mean?
Like in that moment, how can weprotect ourselves against a
harsh judgment, you know?
And instead respond in a mannerthat's going to demonstrate that
we're a trustworthy friend toour people.
So what comes to your mind forthat idea of like in the moment,
how can we demonstrate ourselvesas trustworthy?
Meghan (15:14):
yeah, I think taking a deep breath first, and.
I think that also recognizingthat none of us are perfect and
if like my friend is coming sitsme down and says like, I need to
tell you about something that'sgoing on in my life, like in
that moment, I also need toremember that it could so easily
be me on the other side of that,or I'm not, I'm not the only one
(15:36):
that like, I'm not perfect herein any, and I got my stuff too,
and so how can I like be thebody of Christ in that moment
for her of just giving hergrace.
Not, not necessarily like beinglike, oh, you know, talking or
like, it's, everything's fine.
It's fine.
But meeting her in that momentwith like mercy and grace and
(15:57):
just, and love for her, for lovefor that person to be like, I'm
here for you.
How, like, what can I do tohelp?
And having that posture ofhumility and not this one of
like, oh, you know, like youreally messed up.
Now sometimes it's be like,Yeah.
you messed up.
Okay, so what can we do to fixthis?
But there's, but there's that.
Yeah.
That judgmentalism isn't, isn'tthere?
(16:18):
And so, and I think and prayingtogether, being like, Hey, you
know what, like, let's just prayabout this real quick and then
maybe start kind of dissectingwhat we need to figure out, you
know, and asking questions.
I always feel like taking theposture of asking questions more
than just gabbling off things.
Um, Yeah.
Kimber (16:37):
I think that listen, like being good listeners is so
key in that moment.
And that encapsulates whatyou're saying there, like asking
good questions.
Like if you're listening, youcan be in a posture to do that.
Um, and then I love the prayer,you know, like if you don't
know, like how should I respondhere or.
You feel like your initialresponse is.
(16:58):
Um, harsh judgment then.
Like pray about it and ask theLord to show you the way through
this conversation.
Meghan (17:05):
Yeah, and I think it's totally okay to be like, you
know what?
I might need a little bit oftime, like, maybe give me to the
end of the day to process thisand think about it, and can, can
we like revisit it if it, ifyou're feeling like I'm just
feeling like this is too much orI'm, I dunno if I can have this
conversation in love, whateverthat is, it is okay to push the
(17:29):
brakes a little and you know, sothat you don't.
Say something that you're gonnalook back and regret, and it's
gonna make that, gap bigger orbe something that could be a
friendship ender.
So, um,
Kimber (17:39):
That's such good advice.
And if we, if a friend does thatto us, not taking it as
judgment, like, like, becauseI'm like, I love that.
advice, but I also very honestlyrecognized that if someone did
that to me, I would have, Iwould have a really hard time
with that.
Like,
Meghan (17:57):
Oh yeah.
Kimber (17:57):
You know,
Meghan (17:58):
yeah.
I'd be like, O okay.
What?
You know?
Okay.
But, but so prefacing it with, Ilove you and I'm like, not
judging you, but let me justfigure out, let me get my
thoughts together here and like,you know, we're good.
Like, I don't know, I would justgloss it over really nice.
Kimber (18:14):
But, and the truth of that is though that, like, I
mean, this does come back to thewhole idea of trustworthiness
because it's like, in thatmoment, if.
My friend says that to me.
And that's actually like herwanting to honor me, um, by not
responding in a way that's.
like unloving or an, you know,just the results of like
unprocessed.
You know, word vomit, but ratherif I like can receive that as,
(18:39):
okay, I'm not going to jump toconclusions before my friend has
responded.
Like I trusted her with tellingher this.
And instead of reacting out ofmy wounds and being like, oh,
see, this is evidence that, youknow, she's judging me or
whatever, she's shutting down onme, whatever the wounds are.
Instead of like feeding intothat.
I think trying to trust ourfriend in that moment that she
(19:01):
asked for space and that's toprocess it.
And that's actually what shemeans, because like, I feel like
a lot of times I will read intostuff like where I'm like, oh,
well she said that she gives mea space to process, but probably
she just thinks I'm a terribleperson is never going to talk to
me again.
Meghan (19:15):
Yep.
Kimber (19:15):
when when that's not what she said at all.
And so that takes some trust.
Of that relationship in thatmoment.
And ultimately trust of the Lordthat, like he holds my heart, my
friend doesn't, you know, Whatabout, the, the more behind the
back side.
Like behind my bag.
That's the whole gossipingconversation, I think to me.
(19:38):
And, you know, if I trust myfriend with something and then.
Later it.
Comes out in a forum that is notappropriate in my opinion.
that can be so, so hard.
And I will confess that that issomething that I have struggled
with.
just because not from amalicious spirit, just because
(19:58):
I.
Tend to overshare in my ownpersonal life.
And sometimes I forget that noteveryone.
like shares like that.
And so as we're like receivingthings from people, how do you
think we guard ourselves?
In keeping their informationlike private or at least in the
realm that they intended it toremain in.
(20:18):
You know, how do we guardourselves against.
Even that like unintentionalgossiping behind our friends'
backs.
Meghan (20:25):
Yeah.
That's so hard cuz I've, Yeah.
I've been on both ends of thatand, It's, so I don't know.
but as an external processor itis very easy for me to be like,
I need to get advice onsomething.
You know, or like that's my, andnot meaning it to be gossip, but
trying to figure out how, likewhat do I say, what do I do?
(20:45):
And so my always my likechallenge is that I always need
to go to God first and not otherpeople because, Because I trust
my friends and I like theiradvice and, you know, so it's
very much easier to go to that,instead of God first.
So for me, it's always mychallenge of like, I need to
process this and pray throughthis journal, whatever that is,
get up into the mountains andkind of process out, whatever
(21:08):
that information is.
Um, and then like if I'm in asetting where, Maybe other
people know something that'sgoing on with that friend and
that gets brought up.
Like not becoming part of theconversation or not being afraid
to like say, Hey guys, like, youknow, let's shut it down.
(21:29):
Like that's, she's not here, youknow, and she's our friend and
we love her.
And because I think sometimes asgirls, as women, what we can do
is be like, I just, you know,like, how can we best support or
how can we like, Pray about thisor I'm not, you know, and it's
like, that's still gossip.
Kimber (21:45):
girls know how to gossip.
Yeah, in that way.
Right.
We cloak it.
Meghan (21:51):
uh, yeah, we, we cloth it under like I'm concerned.
Kimber (21:54):
yup.
Yep.
And it's it doesn't honor God.
And.
Yeah.
And it's like, no matter how wesay it, it is what it is.
And so I, something that hashelped me with that is trying to
get some vocabulary for how Ican shut down those moments or
pivot them.
And I've talked about that onthe podcast and like my social
(22:16):
media and stuff before.
And so.
You know, if that's somethingthat you really struggle with
friends listening, go back andfind some episodes about
gossiping and stuff, becausethat's something that is super
challenged to me because like,we can talk about it all day.
Oh yeah.
We don't want to gossip, butthen in the moment that's so
it's so hard to change itwithout sounding.
(22:37):
Like a jerk to the people you'retalking
Meghan (22:39):
Yeah.
Like I'm better than you And,Yeah.
Kimber (22:42):
Yes.
And, and like sh you know,shaming them or something.
Like, that's not what we want todo, but.
Um, well, I think that if we, ifwe can have that.
Bravery.
And in those moments to say,like you said, like, I'm kind of
uncomfortable talking about thissince that person's not here or
just, Hey, can we talk aboutsomething else?
You know, this feels a littlegossipy.
(23:04):
However we say it, I think thatthat will feel awkward and a
little bit painful in themoment.
But I think that down the road,we'll see.
Fruit in our, in ourfriendships, because you are
honoring the trustworthiness
Meghan (23:17):
Yes.
Yeah.
Kimber (23:18):
your, your friendships.
And so it's like keeping thatbig picture in
Meghan (23:22):
Mm-hmm.
And it also like tells everybodyelse like, Hey, I'm a
trustworthy person and I'm not.
I'm gonna honor your name too.
Like, when you are not in theroom.
And so, yeah.
So I think that that also justbreeds like, oh, I, I know I can
tell this person because she'sgot my back.
Kimber (23:37):
Yes.
Yeah.
I love that.
That's such a challenge for me,but I feel like that is an
integral part of being atrustworthy friend is like,
Guarding your mouth guardingyour lips.
In, In, those kinds of moments.
And, um, for me, it also comeswith the overshare, you know,
that's like where I'm, I'malways trying to figure that out
(23:59):
because.
Like just because I would tellsomeone that part of my life
doesn't mean that my friend isthat open,
Meghan (24:07):
Yeah.
Yep.
Kimber (24:08):
And.
like, it's such a slippery slopebecause it's like, you know, and
we, we have those prayer, theprayer thing, like.
Are we bringing this to ourfriends to pray about?
Or are we gossiping?
Like, you know, it's like, howdo we navigate that?
It's a challenge for sure.
Um, Do you have like kind of aguiding principle?
(24:29):
Like how do you, I guess, howwould you give us like some
guardrails for knowing thosemoments when it's like, is this
mine to share.
Or not.
Meghan (24:39):
for me, my big one is if they were sitting in the room
with you, would you want that tobe said?
Kimber (24:45):
Hm.
Meghan (24:46):
So what's being talked about is that something that if
they were sitting right there,you know, you would want them to
hear, you know?
And so, um, Yeah.
cuz I, I, I call myself likethe, I don't have t m I, like,
there's nothing that's too muchinformation for me.
Um, but.
I also, but that's not always,like, I don't mind sharing my
own information.
(25:07):
I don't necessarily wanteveryone else sharing it with
other people when I'm notaround, you know?
So it, it is, I'm in that sameboat of like, yeah, I'm an open
book and you can literally askme anything.
Um, but still protect my nametoo.
Like I'll try to protect yours.
So for me, Yeah.
there's just been times whereI've been in situations where
people have talked and I'm like,man, if they were to walk in
(25:27):
right now, like,
Kimber (25:29):
Would I stop talking or would I feel
Meghan (25:30):
Would, yeah.
Would they, would they, wouldyou want them to hear this
conversation?
And if the answer is no, thenyou need to keep'em mouth shut.
Like so, yeah.
So for me, that's, that's beenone of my,
Kimber (25:41):
Yeah, I think of also like, just thinking like, what
is the context in which this wasshared with me?
Because.
You know, something was likeshared with me in a one-on-one
conversation.
Like.
It's just us.
In the room or like, you know,on a coffee date or whatever.
that's probably not the same asif that idea or story or
(26:04):
whatever it was was shared withme in like a small group setting
or if it was shared with me,like, In a public setting, like,
oh, we're just in the church foryear after service.
And someone tells me like, Ithink that where we share.
Things and how we share them.
Like, what was the person's.
Manner as they communicated thisto
Meghan (26:24):
Right.
Kimber (26:25):
I think that if we think about that, that probably gives
us some clues as to how thatperson feels about this
information.
And then still at the end ofthat even, is it mine to share
like a lot of times the answeris
Meghan (26:38):
it's not.
Yeah.
Kimber (26:39):
be the first to admit I've crossed that line.
Meghan (26:41):
Oh, same.
Kimber (26:43):
it's like, it's something that I want to grow in
because I, I know that that thencauses people to not want to
share, you know, in the futurewhen they start to see a pattern
of that.
So that's definitely an areathat I want to grow in as well.
Meghan (26:56):
Yeah.
Yeah.
And I think that's important ina small group setting too.
Like our small group, we havethe rule of like, what's, what's
shared in here?
Like, doesn't leave the room, itdoesn't even get spoken between
each other.
Like it's um, like just
Kimber (27:08):
Oh, like after the fact
Meghan (27:09):
Yep.
So if someone shared, yep.
So if someone shared somethingwith the whole group and then
I'm with, you know, anotherperson in the group and we start
talking like, that's gossip.
You know, does it really?
And so that's one of like oursmall group rules, is that.
it doesn't even, and you know,and if it does, like as our
leaders, it comes to us, we'rethe leaders that we'll have that
conversation with that person.
Kimber (27:31):
Hm.
Meghan (27:31):
You know, if there needs to be, but um, so just, just
having like good Yeah.
Boundaries and settings.
Even in those places where itmight have been a bigger group
and not necessarily just aone-on-one thing of, just not be
like, well, since she shared itwith two of us, We get to talk
about it you know,
Kimber (27:47):
about it later.
Yeah.
Not so.
much.
I love, I love that distinction.
That's really helpful for me.
Yeah.
Um, and then the other area Iwas thinking of with this idea
of trustworthiness is like downthe road.
Like I think another way thatsometimes I want to hold things
closer to the vest than maybe Ishould with my friendships is
because I'm worried that aperson might weaponize it down
(28:08):
the road.
And so like, you know, like if Ishare like a sin, struggle with
someone, let's say who I'mtrusting in that moment, I maybe
they receive it well, right.
Um, you know, they're not goingto gossip about it behind my
back, but then what if down theroad, they somehow turn that
around to, Like be unkind to meor to say, well, this is
(28:30):
evidence for you being aterrible presenter.
I don't know.
Like, I don't always think it'seven well founded.
This fear, but I feel like thatis an area too.
That we should be really carefulwith.
Um, as we're receiving thingsfrom our friends, making sure
that we're not creating thislike running mental list of
(28:50):
evaluating, um, or, kind ofjudging them just over the long
term.
I saw this come up in an area inmy life where I sort of
responded to a friend out of.
Some frustration for past hurts.
And then it was like, it waslike I said, something.
Pretty bitter.
And it was really not much to dowith that moment.
(29:13):
It was kind of like, It waskeeping a record of wrongs, you
know, and I was weaponizing thepast wrongs in that moment to
like be unkind.
And I feel like that is breakingdown trust in our relationship
because like, why would someonecontinue to share with me.
If I'm just going to bring thosethings up later.
(29:34):
Yeah.
Like why would, why would he dothat?
So, um, how have you seen thatkind of dynamic, play out in
relationships in your life?
Or, um, how do you think that wecan.
Avoid that kind of thing and betrustworthy just like down the
road.
Long-term in our friendshipswith what people share with us.
Meghan (29:51):
Yeah, I, yeah, it's hard.
I've been.
Yeah, I've been on the receivingend of that where things get
thrown back and you're like,that was out of left field.
Like, where'd that come from?
You know?
And it's, it's always, sometimesit's the issue under the issue,
like what
Kimber (30:05):
Right.
Meghan (30:07):
brought it up?
Is it really the problem?
It's like when you get mad atyour husband not taking out the
trash is like, is it reallyabout the trash?
Is there something else here?
Kimber (30:15):
Yeah.
Yeah.
Meghan (30:17):
Um, and so it's kinda like that moment where you goes,
is there like something.
That we need to talk aboutthat's a little bit deeper than
whatever this is.
you know, and then having that,Having that conversation.
and I think it's too, it's justlaying it down to the Lord of
like, taking that our hurts tohim and not letting him be the
one that's gonna heal that andnot putting it in.
(30:40):
How that person's supposed totreat me or the things that
they're supposed to say.
And these expectations just kindof keep, because they're always
going to disappoint you.
They're always gonna mess up.
I'm always gonna mess up.
I'm gonna disappoint.
And so again, I think it's justthat we need to be going to God
first with that and, and notkeeping a record of wrongs.
Cuz praise the Lord.
(31:01):
He doesn't do that with us, youknow?
So, and so, yeah, for me that'sbeen praying about it.
Talking to my spouse about it ifI need to.
and, and even going back to themif I'm like, Hey, I'm still
feeling this, hurt oversomething that was said or
something that was done and Ijust haven't quite moved past
it.
And that's really hard to do.
But I've, I've had to do that acouple times where I'm like, I
(31:23):
just can't quite get past thishurt.
And how can we do this together?
You know?
Kimber (31:29):
so good.
It's a brave conversation, but Ithink that you're right, that
not bearing it.
Like if you just let it hangaround, it's going to come up
later in some capacity.
And so dealing with that ratherthan letting it resurface
through a smaller issue, I lovethat advice.
Meghan (31:47):
Because there's been times where, you know, I've,
I've had conversations with afriend where it was, it became
like this word vomit, a littlebit of just like pa of pain
coming out and you're just like,what what just happened and like
needing to process that, butthen going back and being like,
okay, so you said this.
What did you mean by that?
Like,
Kimber (32:08):
That's
Meghan (32:08):
this what you meant to say?
You know, and they're like, ohno, actually I was just, I
didn't take time to stop andthink about it, and it was just
got defensive, Whatever.
it was, you know?
Um, and so allowing that, like,it's so easy for us to go just
like push away and say, I'm donewith that.
She was rude.
Instead of being like, Yeah.
Instead of just being like, Hey,you know, like, let's talk about
(32:29):
this a
Kimber (32:29):
Yeah.
I love that.
That phrase that you said oflike, Hey, you said this, it
hurt me.
Like, can we talk more aboutthat?
Or is that what you meant or.
Whatever, because.
It's so true that like we speakcarelessly at times.
And so rather than like lettingthat inform, then our identity
moving forward.
Um, addressing it and, you know,in a way that could lead to
(32:53):
working through it.
I also love that you brought inthe Lord to that because I feel
like at the end of the day, likewe can try to be trustworthy
people, but like you said, we'regoing to fail and we're going to
let people down and disappointthem and hurt them.
And so I feel like there's apoint where we can.
(33:14):
we can try at this and we can,you know, seek to be trustworthy
friends.
But at the end of the day, Idon't think that we should, um,
we can hold this too muchourselves.
Like we have to trust God withour friendships and I think.
That, that looks like at the endof the day.
I can't trust, my friendcompletely because she's a
(33:35):
flawed human, but I can liketrust my friendships to God.
And that through the hurt that Iexperienced in the avenue of
friendship.
Um, that he'll hold my heart andwork in, sanctifying me through
that.
So I feel like it's, it's kindof a shift of my expectations,
my expectations.
Aren't on my friend to beperfect or to.
(33:56):
hold any kind of statement on myidentity and who I am, but, God
holds that and therefore I cantrust him with that
relationship.
Meghan (34:04):
Yeah,
Kimber (34:05):
you see, how do you see like your relationship with God
impacting kind of thattrustworthiness and friendship
for you?
Where do you see this coming up?
Meghan (34:13):
I think that knowing that God's never gonna fail me
and that I can always trust him,becomes that like foundation to
where I can open up my heartmore to other people.
Knowing, knowing with theexpectation that they are going
to mess up?
I am going to mess up.
Um, but knowing that, like whenyou have that, like we had
(34:33):
talked about like that trianglepiece.
And that God's up here, and thenit's you and me.
Like we, if we are both kind ofdoing this, it's gonna get
itself figured out and causewe're both wanting to honor the
Lord and honor each other, evenwhen we slip up and mess up,
like if that's our heart, thenYeah.
it's gonna build trust.
Um, it's just talking about itand praying about it together,
(34:55):
praying about it separately,
Kimber (34:57):
And working through that, honestly.
Yeah.
I love that.
So as we're kind of like lookingout in this, like, those are
kind of some of the things Ifeel like that we can avoid and
like we should watch for, and,you know, as we're trying to be
that friend that we need.
but on the flip side, like whenwe're looking for a trustworthy
friend, I feel like there aresome things that we can look
(35:19):
for.
some things that can help ussee.
Oh like that person seems like atrustworthy person.
I want to lean into thatfriendship a little bit more.
And one thing that we talkedabout earlier that I think is.
Uh, a good indicator for me isthat person who shuts down
gossip in the moment.
Like that's, that's such, I haveso much respect for someone who,
(35:40):
who does that in the moment.
And.
Can do it kindly like, um, I hada friend the other day who said
just that exactly.
She was like, this conversationmakes me uncomfortable.
Can we talk about somethingelse?
Meghan (35:52):
Wow.
Kimber (35:52):
like, yeah.
And I love that she trusted oursmall group of girls that were
having that conversation in thatmoment to say that.
Um, and then, and we pivotedand, and that made me respect
her more.
And.
And I know that she is atrustworthy person, not because
of just that one instance, but,um, because of, you know, what
(36:14):
I've seen like that.
And so that's one thing thatcomes to mind for me.
What are some other things thatyou think, you know, we could be
looking for?
Meghan (36:22):
Yeah, I love that.
Cause that's, yeah, that waswhat I was gonna say.
It's like if I know in thepublic setting, like you have my
back, like that's a hugeindicator.
cuz what, you know, you, there'sprivate, but then it's also in
that, in that public place thatyou kind of get to show it.
Um, I think it so speaks thetruth to you that.
you're able to speak the truth.
Um, That shows trust of like,you know, like I, I just had a
(36:43):
friend that was like, Hey, Ineed to talk to you about
something that.
I'm like kind of seeing.
And I might be completely offbase here, but this is kind of
like, here's what I'm just like,as an outsider looking in what
I'm seeing.
And, I, you know, years ago forme, I would've been like, oh
heck no.
Like, I don't, don't you dare,you know?
And instead I saw that as like,she loves me so much.
(37:06):
That she's like willing to saythe really, really hard thing.
And that for me builds trust oflike, I can come to her and it
makes me wanna be that persontoo, of like, Hey, you know,
like, what's going on here?
Like, I just wanna get like acheck-in, you know?
And, and so for me that's like ahuge piece too, is, and that my,
my, so my name is protected,like, you're not afraid to tell
me the truth.
And I know like in those momentsof like, Hey, like I want you to
(37:28):
know that there'sconfidentiality here.
I'm gonna keep my mouth shut.
Or how is it that we can likework through this and bring you
closer to God and me closer toGod in the process?
Kimber (37:38):
Yeah.
I love that.
Maybe even with a newfriendship, like articulating
that more than feels
Meghan (37:42):
Mm-hmm.
Kimber (37:43):
Because I think a lot of times we're just like, oh, we
assume that.
But like, Does everyone assumethat I don't
Meghan (37:49):
Right.
I yeah.
Yeah.
One of the things I always, Iwould say is when I know like
I've built trust with someone iswhen they don't have to say to
me like, can you keep thisbetween us?
Kimber (37:59):
Hm, that's
Meghan (38:00):
Like when they know, like they can just tell me and
it's not gonna go anywhere orvice versa.
When I can like talk to you, ifI talk to you about something I
don't have to say, can you justmake sure this stays between us?
Kimber (38:09):
Um,
Meghan (38:10):
Because when that, when that gets said, I feel like
there is that sliver of can Itrust you?
Like am I'm still building thattrust.
So when it's like, Hey, it'swhat's going on, and I know it's
not leaving That table orwherever.
To not have to say that for meis like a huge indicator of
like, I've, we've felt trusttogether.
Kimber (38:27):
Mm, that's so good to look for.
I love that.
That's good.
Well, friends listening.
We've been kind of wrapping upour summer series episodes with,
um, just a little challenge foryou guys to help take this from
just talk to actual, like livingit out.
And so, um, just with this ideaof like being trustworthy,
(38:47):
what's our challenge for thisweek, Megan, with like putting
this into practice.
Meghan (38:52):
Uh, I'm gonna, since our, I had a different one, but
our conversation kinda went alittle different direction.
So I'm changing it to, um, bethe bold person that when the
conversation gets uncomfortableor you're feeling like this is
petering to be the one thatstops it.
You know, and that.
can be like, this makes meuncomfortable.
It can be like, Hey guys, likeshe's not here.
Can we not, you know, howeveryou feel like you need to phrase
(39:14):
that, um, in a kind, loving way,but take that step.
Kimber (39:18):
Um, I love that.
And friends listening, I willtry to share when this comes out
on the podcast, I'll share onsocial media that week.
Some of those.
Uh, resources about gossip, um,and just like some practical
language too, of like sidestepthose kinds of conversations and
shut them down.
Um, that I've kind of gatheredfrom people in my life and from
(39:38):
my own study and stuff that canhelp us to be able to articulate
that.
Because for me, at least when Ihave those kinds of phrases in
my back pocket and they're, theyfeel pretty natural because.
you know, I've either used thembefore or I've at least thought
about them.
Uh, I'm more likely to say thatin the moment, because for me, a
lot of times, the thing thatkeeps me from speaking is I'm
like, oh, I don't know how tosay this.
I don't know what to say.
Meghan (40:00):
Right.
Kimber (40:01):
If I have something to say that can help.
So yes, I love it.
Well, thank you so much, Megan.
Thanks for hanging out friendslistening.
man, I pray that this can movefrom our conversation here to
live in it out this week in yourfriendships.
Thanks Megan.
(40:21):
Friends.
I'm so glad you could join meand Megan on the show this week
Being a trustworthy friend issomething that takes
intentionality and a commitmenthonoring our people.
But I really do believe thatit's going to have big payoffs
down the road in ourfriendships.
And if you're loving this seriesso far, would you tell a friend
about the podcast, the seek.
Just shoot her a DM with a postfrom social media or text her
(40:43):
and episode Lincoln.
Ask if she listens so that youguys can talk about it.
The next time you hang out.
So great way to jumpstart thoseconversations that we are
praying.
This series sparks in yourfriendships this summer, as you
were out doing all the summerfun.
I've read this conversation andthe ones that come from it.
Bless your friendships thissummer.
And speaking of, I do know howbusy summer can get, so make
(41:03):
sure that you've subscribed tothe podcast wherever you listen,
so that you don't miss anepisode.
You can also sign up to be partof my newsletter crews so that
you get a weekly previewdirectly to your email inbox of
what will be on the podcast thatweek.
Just visit your sisterkimber.com to subscribe there.
Friends.
Thank you so much for spendingpart of your day with us until
next time.
(41:24):
It's your sister Kimber.
Hey friends.
Welcome to the, your sisterKimber podcast.
My name is Kimberly Gilbert, andI'm so glad you're here.
My summer guest co-host Meganfrable.
And I are talking today aboutwhat it looks like to be a
friend who is trustworthy in allareas of our relationships.
We get into harsh judgmentgossip and not keeping a record
(00:30):
of wrongs in today'sconversation.
And I know it challenged me inhow I honor my friends with my
words, with my actions and evenwith my silence sometimes.
I wish we could all talk thisout over coffee today, but this
is the next best thing.
I'm so glad you here, friend.
Let's get started.
(00:52):
Hey friends.
Please welcome back.
My guest co-host for the summerseries, Megan phrasal.
How are you doing Megan?
Meghan (00:59):
I'm doing great.
How are.
Kimber (01:01):
Yeah, I'm good.
We have been on a bit of asummer break here at the podcast
for just the last few weeks.
And so, I'm happy to be backtalking with you.
It's been so fun.
Um, we've talked about like allthe things, I feel like
Meghan (01:15):
all thanks.
Kimber (01:16):
Yeah.
So, and we're gonna get a fewmore of all the things.
Meghan (01:19):
Yes.
Kimber (01:20):
up in these next few weeks.
but we haven't talked in alittle bit, what is like one fun
summer thing that you've done.
Since we last talked, we've hadapproximately like four days of
summer.
Meghan (01:30):
I was gonna, I was just gonna say, well, summer, um,
Kimber (01:34):
that.
Meghan (01:35):
currently raining, um, yes.
The other, so Monday, it wasbeautiful.
I was gorgeous out and so I wentout, um, I couldn't get out
early in the morning, so I wentout hiking around like
afternoon, like 12 o'clock.
It was so, it was so hot.
So hot.
I'm like, this is why I hike atlike five in the morning and not
(01:56):
at noon.
but I took out a book.
I brought a book out with me andlike my boom speaker, and I just
found this like big, big rock,like nobody was around me.
And I literally just put on somemusic and laid in the sun for
probably over an hour and read alittle bit and just like took a
nap out in the woods withcountry music.
it.
was awesome.
Kimber (02:15):
And, you got, if only it worked like this, we could get
like a whole week's worth ofvitamin D in one sitting like.
Meghan (02:22):
Yeah.
I didn't even wear
Kimber (02:23):
by the smart people, it doesn't work that way.
Meghan (02:26):
No, I didn't even wear sunblock.
I'm like, burn, burn, burn me.
Kimber (02:31):
So true.
So true.
This is going to be coming outlike mid to late July.
So this conversation, and so,man, I'm hoping.
Meghan (02:41):
We
Kimber (02:41):
keep saying this, I feel like, like maybe by this time
it'll be study.
Meghan (02:46):
I feel like every day I'm like, we're about to turn a
corner.
The corner's not next corner.
Kimber (02:51):
like start wearing shorts.
I'm like, I'm just sending itand it's too cold for this, but
it's fine.
Meghan (02:57):
You know what?
it's fine.
Yep.
I'm wearing my sandals rightnow.
I'm like, I don't care.
It's raining.
I don't
Kimber (03:02):
all good.
Well, I love it.
Well, we have been, if you werelistening and just kind of
hopping in randomly, we havebeen in a series here on the
podcast called being the friendyou need.
And we've been going throughthis all summer so far.
I really encourage you if you'rejust jumping into like go back
and listen to the intro episode.
It was episode 52.
And it's called being thefriends you need.
(03:22):
And in that conversation, Megan,and I kind of just talk about
like the vision for this seriesand, like kind of where this
idea came from what we mean byit.
And.
Um, just like where we hope thatthese conversations will invite
you guys listening to, it's beenkind of all about just how our
relationship with Jesus canspill out into our friendships
and help us grow in being thatkind of friend that we want in
(03:46):
our lives.
So this isn't really about justlike try harder, do better, but
it's more about how these thingsthat we want to pursue at Jesus,
um, actually impact ourfriendships in some really cool
ways.
And so Megan, I would love tohear at this point kind.
In our conversations.
What do you feel like is an areaof friendship that you've just
seen growing this summer?
(04:06):
Or like, what do you feel likeGod is kind of working on in
your relationships right now?
Meghan (04:11):
Um, I think that one of the big things is just taking it
to a deeper level has beenreally good.
Like, ha making more space forauthentic, deeper conversations
and not just like, while it'sgreat and I love, like, hey,
let's just go hike.
And sometimes you can havedeeper talks or whatever, but
we're usually doing somethingdifferent, you know, so just
making that space of like, Ireally wanna like get together
(04:33):
with you and.
Like really invest in likewhat's going on in your life.
Um, and so just kind of morecommunicating that of, hey, this
is what, like one of my goals isfor us to get together.
Um, so that's been reallywonderful just to, to do that.
We've been, I've been meetingwith a friend like once a week
and we've just been like walkingthe track and it's like to go
deep with each other.
(04:53):
So that's been really fun.
Kimber (04:55):
That's cool.
How did you like, express thatthat was something that you
wanted?
Because I think that's somethingsome people struggle with is
like, they want that kind of,those kinds of conversations in
their friendships, but they'relike, How do I initiate
Meghan (05:07):
yeah, yeah.
Um, I just say it.
like, yeah, I Just said it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Kimber (05:13):
Yeah.
Absolutely.
Meghan (05:15):
I don't have a problem expressing, but just, uh, Yeah.
I was like, Hey, I wanna, I wasthinking about doing this or you
know, are you cool with that?
And I dunno.
Yeah.
Kimber (05:23):
Yeah, absolutely.
What is like Ben, your favorite?
Fruit that's come out of thatkind of intentional time to like
go deeper with that person.
Meghan (05:31):
I think that it's brought me like, well, just our
friendship closer together.
I feel like it's been reallywonderful to kind of see a
different piece of Jesus throughmy friend, like when we're
talking and what, like what shefeels like the Holy Spirit's
telling her or opinions or kindof like their advice, whatever
it is.
Um, just to kind of hear thatdifferent perspective of it has
(05:52):
been.
Yeah, really life giving andwonderful, so yeah.
Kimber (05:56):
before, the break that we took the past few weeks with,
from these conversations we weretalking about.
Um, how we can like growspiritual intimacy in our
relationships with people justmeaning like that closeness in
spiritual matters, because Ithink it's, it can be easy to go
through a friendship and like,maybe even, you know, that
you're both Christians, butlike, do you talk about your
(06:18):
spirituality with each other,you know, and.
And sometimes it can be hard tolike kind of, bridge into that,
those kinds of conversations.
And so I really love that you'recreating some intentional space
for that and that then you'reseeing the fruit of that.
I feel like a big part of thatis what we're talking about
today.
And that is.
Um, being in relationships thatyou feel like you can trust the
(06:40):
person in that, and then viceversa, being a trustworthy
friend.
And I think that, you know, weall want that, like, of course.
My friends who are trustworthy.
and so I think that it issomething that we could
demystify a little bit.
And so today I want to talk alittle bit about just like what
this looks like.
Like, what are some of the.
(07:01):
some of the fruit that we shouldlook for in people that are
potentially going to be liketrustworthy people that we could
lean into those relationships.
And then how do we demonstratethat in practical ways to our
people.
And as far as like our serieskind of concept, I feel like
this trustworthiness is justlike such a reflection of the
character of God.
And just that idea that like theways that.
(07:22):
He interacts with us.
Like he is trustworthy, right.
that can be a model for how wedo friendship.
And so this is kind of an aspectof that relationship that we
like, see how God behavestowards us.
Even when we dropped the ballon, you know, honoring him and
stuff.
and then how we can like befriends who are trustworthy,
even when our friends maybe dropthe ball.
(07:44):
On us in that regard.
And so, one thing that I waskind of thinking about with this
is just the idea of girl hurt,um, and kind of that.
Not a relevant topic at all.
I'm sure.
To any of us, um, But I wasthinking about this, like, you
know, I hear P I've heard peoplesay before, and I've experienced
this too.
(08:04):
Like It's a struggle to trust afriend sometimes in a
relationship because of previoushurt, like it, your inability,
or like a challenge to trustsomeone in a new friendship
might have very little to dowith that friendship.
In fact, probably has verylittle do with that.
It's probably previous.
Would you agree with that?
Meghan (08:21):
Absolutely.
Oh yeah, absolutely.
Yeah.
Kimber (08:24):
so so I would love to hear kind of, you know, have you
experienced girl hurt?
Um, how do you feel like thathas impacted your friendships
down the road?
Like.
You know, what is kind of thedynamic here of how past hurt?
Impacts our ability to trust ourfriends today.
Meghan (08:42):
Yeah, yeah.
Yes, I've experienced lots ofgirl hurt.
Um, you know, I think just mywhole life and I'm, and I've
been the one that's done it too.
Like it's not just, you know, meor that I'm the one that's.
Been hurt the most, but, um,yeah, absolutely.
And I find for me, I tend to bea pretty trusting person
upfront.
It's when I start to get closerto people that I feel that like,
(09:08):
that will trigger of, of pasthurt starting to kind of flare
up a little bit.
Like, the what ifs.
Yep.
Yep.
It's like oh, now I'm gettingclose to this person.
Are they gonna leave?
You know, is that, that's thatfor me, that is what will always
go through my brain.
Um, and a lot of that is just mypast.
Her and I have found that thathas made like a chasm between my
(09:29):
friendships because I'mprojecting something onto them
that they.
Have not done to me.
You know?
Um, and they're like, Hey, I'mtrying to get close, but if
you're like, waiting for theshoe to drop, basically, you
know, like, how's that going tohelp our friendship?
I'm like, no, it's, you'reright.
Like it's 100% true.
Um,
Kimber (09:47):
I feel like I do the same thing, but, but then like
the challenges.
You're like you said thereyou're like, yeah, it won't
help, but I still do it.
Meghan (09:57):
but I still do it.
Kimber (09:58):
It's like, I think we intellectually acknowledged this
and that.
I think there is space obviouslyhere for things like counseling
and.
You
Meghan (10:05):
100%.
100%.
Kimber (10:07):
through.
Your your junk.
Um, but in the midst of it, itstill impacts right.
Even as we're working throughthat.
Meghan (10:15):
yep.
And so I think it's reallyimportant to, I would say, be
honest with your friends oflike, Hey, I've experienced some
of her and this is where likemaybe I still have some
woundings that haven't beenfully healed over yet.
Um, And it has nothing really.
It's that whole, like, it's me,it's not me.
It's, or it's you.
It's not whatever.
(10:36):
Um, It's me.
Um,
Kimber (10:39):
me
Meghan (10:39):
and it's me not you.
Kimber (10:41):
No way.
Oh, wait.
What's the phrase.
Meghan (10:43):
what is that the phrase.
It's me.
It's not you it's me.
Yeah.
Som like, what?
It's not you, it's
Kimber (10:48):
We were close.
Meghan (10:49):
you're close.
Um, and yeah, I think just beingreally open and honest about
that too.
And because then that gives themthe ability of knowing where
you're at and how they can maybelove you well through that and
maybe even walk you through,okay, well how can we, how can
we get this part of you healed?
You know, maybe that is yougoing to counseling, maybe that
is just, Hey, I have a heads upand I.
(11:12):
When I feel that like wall goup, I, I know what that is.
Kimber (11:15):
Yeah, absolutely.
I feel like I'm the same way.
Like I usually give trust prettyeasily until I feel like someone
mishandles.
Meghan (11:25):
Yeah.
Kimber (11:25):
I've trusted with them in some way.
And I recognize fully that thata lot of that is informed by
past hurt.
And
Meghan (11:34):
Mm-hmm.
Kimber (11:35):
as I try to work through that, you know, in healthy ways,
that can always be growing, butthe reality is that.
I experienced things fromfriends.
And like you said, I.
am the perpetrator of, you know,these things too at times.
That that break down trust in myrelationship.
And I feel like when thathappens, It's obviously then
(11:56):
harming our relationships inlots of different ways.
And so, as I was kind ofthinking about some different
ways that I feel like this canhappen, I sort of thought of
kind of three areas that.
I would love to pick your brainon how we can try to kind of
flip the tables on this andlike, how can I be someone who
is trustworthy in this kind ofmoment?
(12:18):
Not just, how do I need myfriends to serve me here, um,
as, as trustworthy people, buthow can I lead the way in this?
And so as we get into those kindof three areas, I would love to
start with just like broadpicture.
Um, what do you feel like?
It means to be a trustworthy.
Worthy friends.
So if we're like acknowledgingour hurt, right.
(12:40):
And how we hope that peoplewill, treat us as trustworthy
people, we can't really controlthat.
We can only lead the way in it.
And so, um, what do you feellike that looks like if you
described someone as atrustworthy friend, what do you
think would kind of be theoutward manifestations of that?
Meghan (12:57):
Uh, I think if I was to describe a trustworthy friend,
it'd be someone that?
keeps our issues between eachother.
that tells me the truth isn't.
So, it's not only just likekeeping things private between
us, but also isn't afraid tostep on my toes a little bit
either.
Um, And that they can trust myresponse, you know, I know it's
(13:19):
not always gonna be awesome orvice versa, that we're able to
have that kind of ironsharpening iron conversation if
it needs to happen.
I think that it means protectingyour name behind your, your
back, you know, in groupsettings if your name were to
come up, um, someone that's notgonna just go with the flow of
what's happening, but say, ohyeah, you know, let's change
that subject, or, She's not, youknow?
(13:42):
Um, so for me, that would besome of the qualities,
definitions I look for.
Kimber (13:46):
would think of.
Yeah.
I feel like the, the behind myback gossiping one is definitely
one that came to mind for me, aswell as like, uh, you said,
like, tell me the truth in themoment.
Like, to me.
That in the there's an in themoment trustworthiness.
That happens.
and I think the flip side ofthat is.
Judgmentalism, like in themoment, you know, um, there's a
(14:09):
behind my back.
Like trustworthiness and it'shappened when I have no idea
what's happening.
And I can't really know aboutthat unless I hear about it on
the road.
but I have to trust that.
And then I think there's like adown the road kind of.
One as well, where for me theidea of like weaponizing things
that I share can come in.
So, um,
Meghan (14:30):
yeah.
That's good.
Kimber (14:31):
Yeah.
So let's kind of get into the,like in the moment when, so like
that responding, um, you know,you share something with someone
or someone, I guess we shouldsay it from the perspective of
someone shares something withme.
In a moment that maybe is like alittle bit hard to receive or
maybe.
I just, I hear it.
And I'm like, oh wow.
(14:51):
I have lots of opinions aboutthat.
Like,
Meghan (14:54):
Yes.
Kimber (14:55):
You know what I mean?
Like in that moment, how can weprotect ourselves against a
harsh judgment, you know?
And instead respond in a mannerthat's going to demonstrate that
we're a trustworthy friend toour people.
So what comes to your mind forthat idea of like in the moment,
how can we demonstrate ourselvesas trustworthy?
Meghan (15:14):
yeah, I think taking a deep breath first, and.
I think that also recognizingthat none of us are perfect and
if like my friend is coming sitsme down and says like, I need to
tell you about something that'sgoing on in my life, like in
that moment, I also need toremember that it could so easily
be me on the other side of that,or I'm not, I'm not the only one
(15:36):
that like, I'm not perfect herein any, and I got my stuff too,
and so how can I like be thebody of Christ in that moment
for her of just giving hergrace.
Not, not necessarily like beinglike, oh, you know, talking or
like, it's, everything's fine.
It's fine.
But meeting her in that momentwith like mercy and grace and
(15:57):
just, and love for her, for lovefor that person to be like, I'm
here for you.
How, like, what can I do tohelp?
And having that posture ofhumility and not this one of
like, oh, you know, like youreally messed up.
Now sometimes it's be like,Yeah.
you messed up.
Okay, so what can we do to fixthis?
But there's, but there's that.
Yeah.
That judgmentalism isn't, isn'tthere?
(16:18):
And so, and I think and prayingtogether, being like, Hey, you
know what, like, let's just prayabout this real quick and then
maybe start kind of dissectingwhat we need to figure out, you
know, and asking questions.
I always feel like taking theposture of asking questions more
than just gabbling off things.
Um, Yeah.
Kimber (16:37):
I think that listen, like being good listeners is so
key in that moment.
And that encapsulates whatyou're saying there, like asking
good questions.
Like if you're listening, youcan be in a posture to do that.
Um, and then I love the prayer,you know, like if you don't
know, like how should I respondhere or.
You feel like your initialresponse is.
(16:58):
Um, harsh judgment then.
Like pray about it and ask theLord to show you the way through
this conversation.
Meghan (17:05):
Yeah, and I think it's totally okay to be like, you
know what?
I might need a little bit oftime, like, maybe give me to the
end of the day to process thisand think about it, and can, can
we like revisit it if it, ifyou're feeling like I'm just
feeling like this is too much orI'm, I dunno if I can have this
conversation in love, whateverthat is, it is okay to push the
(17:29):
brakes a little and you know, sothat you don't.
Say something that you're gonnalook back and regret, and it's
gonna make that, gap bigger orbe something that could be a
friendship ender.
So, um,
Kimber (17:39):
That's such good advice.
And if we, if a friend does thatto us, not taking it as
judgment, like, like, becauseI'm like, I love that.
advice, but I also very honestlyrecognized that if someone did
that to me, I would have, Iwould have a really hard time
with that.
Like,
Meghan (17:57):
Oh yeah.
Kimber (17:57):
You know,
Meghan (17:58):
yeah.
I'd be like, O okay.
What?
You know?
Okay.
But, but so prefacing it with, Ilove you and I'm like, not
judging you, but let me justfigure out, let me get my
thoughts together here and like,you know, we're good.
Like, I don't know, I would justgloss it over really nice.
Kimber (18:14):
But, and the truth of that is though that, like, I
mean, this does come back to thewhole idea of trustworthiness
because it's like, in thatmoment, if.
My friend says that to me.
And that's actually like herwanting to honor me, um, by not
responding in a way that's.
like unloving or an, you know,just the results of like
unprocessed.
You know, word vomit, but ratherif I like can receive that as,
(18:39):
okay, I'm not going to jump toconclusions before my friend has
responded.
Like I trusted her with tellingher this.
And instead of reacting out ofmy wounds and being like, oh,
see, this is evidence that, youknow, she's judging me or
whatever, she's shutting down onme, whatever the wounds are.
Instead of like feeding intothat.
I think trying to trust ourfriend in that moment that she
(19:01):
asked for space and that's toprocess it.
And that's actually what shemeans, because like, I feel like
a lot of times I will read intostuff like where I'm like, oh,
well she said that she gives mea space to process, but probably
she just thinks I'm a terribleperson is never going to talk to
me again.
Meghan (19:15):
Yep.
Kimber (19:15):
when when that's not what she said at all.
And so that takes some trust.
Of that relationship in thatmoment.
And ultimately trust of the Lordthat, like he holds my heart, my
friend doesn't, you know, Whatabout, the, the more behind the
back side.
Like behind my bag.
That's the whole gossipingconversation, I think to me.
(19:38):
And, you know, if I trust myfriend with something and then.
Later it.
Comes out in a forum that is notappropriate in my opinion.
that can be so, so hard.
And I will confess that that issomething that I have struggled
with.
just because not from amalicious spirit, just because
(19:58):
I.
Tend to overshare in my ownpersonal life.
And sometimes I forget that noteveryone.
like shares like that.
And so as we're like receivingthings from people, how do you
think we guard ourselves?
In keeping their informationlike private or at least in the
realm that they intended it toremain in.
(20:18):
You know, how do we guardourselves against.
Even that like unintentionalgossiping behind our friends'
backs.
Meghan (20:25):
Yeah.
That's so hard cuz I've, Yeah.
I've been on both ends of thatand, It's, so I don't know.
but as an external processor itis very easy for me to be like,
I need to get advice onsomething.
You know, or like that's my, andnot meaning it to be gossip, but
trying to figure out how, likewhat do I say, what do I do?
(20:45):
And so my always my likechallenge is that I always need
to go to God first and not otherpeople because, Because I trust
my friends and I like theiradvice and, you know, so it's
very much easier to go to that,instead of God first.
So for me, it's always mychallenge of like, I need to
process this and pray throughthis journal, whatever that is,
get up into the mountains andkind of process out, whatever
(21:08):
that information is.
Um, and then like if I'm in asetting where, Maybe other
people know something that'sgoing on with that friend and
that gets brought up.
Like not becoming part of theconversation or not being afraid
to like say, Hey guys, like, youknow, let's shut it down.
(21:29):
Like that's, she's not here, youknow, and she's our friend and
we love her.
And because I think sometimes asgirls, as women, what we can do
is be like, I just, you know,like, how can we best support or
how can we like, Pray about thisor I'm not, you know, and it's
like, that's still gossip.
Kimber (21:45):
girls know how to gossip.
Yeah, in that way.
Right.
We cloak it.
Meghan (21:51):
uh, yeah, we, we cloth it under like I'm concerned.
Kimber (21:54):
yup.
Yep.
And it's it doesn't honor God.
And.
Yeah.
And it's like, no matter how wesay it, it is what it is.
And so I, something that hashelped me with that is trying to
get some vocabulary for how Ican shut down those moments or
pivot them.
And I've talked about that onthe podcast and like my social
(22:16):
media and stuff before.
And so.
You know, if that's somethingthat you really struggle with
friends listening, go back andfind some episodes about
gossiping and stuff, becausethat's something that is super
challenged to me because like,we can talk about it all day.
Oh yeah.
We don't want to gossip, butthen in the moment that's so
it's so hard to change itwithout sounding.
(22:37):
Like a jerk to the people you'retalking
Meghan (22:39):
Yeah.
Like I'm better than you And,Yeah.
Kimber (22:42):
Yes.
And, and like sh you know,shaming them or something.
Like, that's not what we want todo, but.
Um, well, I think that if we, ifwe can have that.
Bravery.
And in those moments to say,like you said, like, I'm kind of
uncomfortable talking about thissince that person's not here or
just, Hey, can we talk aboutsomething else?
You know, this feels a littlegossipy.
(23:04):
However we say it, I think thatthat will feel awkward and a
little bit painful in themoment.
But I think that down the road,we'll see.
Fruit in our, in ourfriendships, because you are
honoring the trustworthiness
Meghan (23:17):
Yes.
Yeah.
Kimber (23:18):
your, your friendships.
And so it's like keeping thatbig picture in
Meghan (23:22):
Mm-hmm.
And it also like tells everybodyelse like, Hey, I'm a
trustworthy person and I'm not.
I'm gonna honor your name too.
Like, when you are not in theroom.
And so, yeah.
So I think that that also justbreeds like, oh, I, I know I can
tell this person because she'sgot my back.
Kimber (23:37):
Yes.
Yeah.
I love that.
That's such a challenge for me,but I feel like that is an
integral part of being atrustworthy friend is like,
Guarding your mouth guardingyour lips.
In, In, those kinds of moments.
And, um, for me, it also comeswith the overshare, you know,
that's like where I'm, I'malways trying to figure that out
(23:59):
because.
Like just because I would tellsomeone that part of my life
doesn't mean that my friend isthat open,
Meghan (24:07):
Yeah.
Yep.
Kimber (24:08):
And.
like, it's such a slippery slopebecause it's like, you know, and
we, we have those prayer, theprayer thing, like.
Are we bringing this to ourfriends to pray about?
Or are we gossiping?
Like, you know, it's like, howdo we navigate that?
It's a challenge for sure.
Um, Do you have like kind of aguiding principle?
(24:29):
Like how do you, I guess, howwould you give us like some
guardrails for knowing thosemoments when it's like, is this
mine to share.
Or not.
Meghan (24:39):
for me, my big one is if they were sitting in the room
with you, would you want that tobe said?
Kimber (24:45):
Hm.
Meghan (24:46):
So what's being talked about is that something that if
they were sitting right there,you know, you would want them to
hear, you know?
And so, um, Yeah.
cuz I, I, I call myself likethe, I don't have t m I, like,
there's nothing that's too muchinformation for me.
Um, but.
I also, but that's not always,like, I don't mind sharing my
own information.
(25:07):
I don't necessarily wanteveryone else sharing it with
other people when I'm notaround, you know?
So it, it is, I'm in that sameboat of like, yeah, I'm an open
book and you can literally askme anything.
Um, but still protect my nametoo.
Like I'll try to protect yours.
So for me, Yeah.
there's just been times whereI've been in situations where
people have talked and I'm like,man, if they were to walk in
(25:27):
right now, like,
Kimber (25:29):
Would I stop talking or would I feel
Meghan (25:30):
Would, yeah.
Would they, would they, wouldyou want them to hear this
conversation?
And if the answer is no, thenyou need to keep'em mouth shut.
Like so, yeah.
So for me, that's, that's beenone of my,
Kimber (25:41):
Yeah, I think of also like, just thinking like, what
is the context in which this wasshared with me?
Because.
You know, something was likeshared with me in a one-on-one
conversation.
Like.
It's just us.
In the room or like, you know,on a coffee date or whatever.
that's probably not the same asif that idea or story or
(26:04):
whatever it was was shared withme in like a small group setting
or if it was shared with me,like, In a public setting, like,
oh, we're just in the church foryear after service.
And someone tells me like, Ithink that where we share.
Things and how we share them.
Like, what was the person's.
Manner as they communicated thisto
Meghan (26:24):
Right.
Kimber (26:25):
I think that if we think about that, that probably gives
us some clues as to how thatperson feels about this
information.
And then still at the end ofthat even, is it mine to share
like a lot of times the answeris
Meghan (26:38):
it's not.
Yeah.
Kimber (26:39):
be the first to admit I've crossed that line.
Meghan (26:41):
Oh, same.
Kimber (26:43):
it's like, it's something that I want to grow in
because I, I know that that thencauses people to not want to
share, you know, in the futurewhen they start to see a pattern
of that.
So that's definitely an areathat I want to grow in as well.
Meghan (26:56):
Yeah.
Yeah.
And I think that's important ina small group setting too.
Like our small group, we havethe rule of like, what's, what's
shared in here?
Like, doesn't leave the room, itdoesn't even get spoken between
each other.
Like it's um, like just
Kimber (27:08):
Oh, like after the fact
Meghan (27:09):
Yep.
So if someone shared, yep.
So if someone shared somethingwith the whole group and then
I'm with, you know, anotherperson in the group and we start
talking like, that's gossip.
You know, does it really?
And so that's one of like oursmall group rules, is that.
it doesn't even, and you know,and if it does, like as our
leaders, it comes to us, we'rethe leaders that we'll have that
conversation with that person.
Kimber (27:31):
Hm.
Meghan (27:31):
You know, if there needs to be, but um, so just, just
having like good Yeah.
Boundaries and settings.
Even in those places where itmight have been a bigger group
and not necessarily just aone-on-one thing of, just not be
like, well, since she shared itwith two of us, We get to talk
about it you know,
Kimber (27:47):
about it later.
Yeah.
Not so.
much.
I love, I love that distinction.
That's really helpful for me.
Yeah.
Um, and then the other area Iwas thinking of with this idea
of trustworthiness is like downthe road.
Like I think another way thatsometimes I want to hold things
closer to the vest than maybe Ishould with my friendships is
because I'm worried that aperson might weaponize it down
(28:08):
the road.
And so like, you know, like if Ishare like a sin, struggle with
someone, let's say who I'mtrusting in that moment, I maybe
they receive it well, right.
Um, you know, they're not goingto gossip about it behind my
back, but then what if down theroad, they somehow turn that
around to, Like be unkind to meor to say, well, this is
(28:30):
evidence for you being aterrible presenter.
I don't know.
Like, I don't always think it'seven well founded.
This fear, but I feel like thatis an area too.
That we should be really carefulwith.
Um, as we're receiving thingsfrom our friends, making sure
that we're not creating thislike running mental list of
(28:50):
evaluating, um, or, kind ofjudging them just over the long
term.
I saw this come up in an area inmy life where I sort of
responded to a friend out of.
Some frustration for past hurts.
And then it was like, it waslike I said, something.
Pretty bitter.
And it was really not much to dowith that moment.
(29:13):
It was kind of like, It waskeeping a record of wrongs, you
know, and I was weaponizing thepast wrongs in that moment to
like be unkind.
And I feel like that is breakingdown trust in our relationship
because like, why would someonecontinue to share with me.
If I'm just going to bring thosethings up later.
(29:34):
Yeah.
Like why would, why would he dothat?
So, um, how have you seen thatkind of dynamic, play out in
relationships in your life?
Or, um, how do you think that wecan.
Avoid that kind of thing and betrustworthy just like down the
road.
Long-term in our friendshipswith what people share with us.
Meghan (29:51):
Yeah, I, yeah, it's hard.
I've been.
Yeah, I've been on the receivingend of that where things get
thrown back and you're like,that was out of left field.
Like, where'd that come from?
You know?
And it's, it's always, sometimesit's the issue under the issue,
like what
Kimber (30:05):
Right.
Meghan (30:07):
brought it up?
Is it really the problem?
It's like when you get mad atyour husband not taking out the
trash is like, is it reallyabout the trash?
Is there something else here?
Kimber (30:15):
Yeah.
Yeah.
Meghan (30:17):
Um, and so it's kinda like that moment where you goes,
is there like something.
That we need to talk aboutthat's a little bit deeper than
whatever this is.
you know, and then having that,Having that conversation.
and I think it's too, it's justlaying it down to the Lord of
like, taking that our hurts tohim and not letting him be the
one that's gonna heal that andnot putting it in.
(30:40):
How that person's supposed totreat me or the things that
they're supposed to say.
And these expectations just kindof keep, because they're always
going to disappoint you.
They're always gonna mess up.
I'm always gonna mess up.
I'm gonna disappoint.
And so again, I think it's justthat we need to be going to God
first with that and, and notkeeping a record of wrongs.
Cuz praise the Lord.
(31:01):
He doesn't do that with us, youknow?
So, and so, yeah, for me that'sbeen praying about it.
Talking to my spouse about it ifI need to.
and, and even going back to themif I'm like, Hey, I'm still
feeling this, hurt oversomething that was said or
something that was done and Ijust haven't quite moved past
it.
And that's really hard to do.
But I've, I've had to do that acouple times where I'm like, I
(31:23):
just can't quite get past thishurt.
And how can we do this together?
You know?
Kimber (31:29):
so good.
It's a brave conversation, but Ithink that you're right, that
not bearing it.
Like if you just let it hangaround, it's going to come up
later in some capacity.
And so dealing with that ratherthan letting it resurface
through a smaller issue, I lovethat advice.
Meghan (31:47):
Because there's been times where, you know, I've,
I've had conversations with afriend where it was, it became
like this word vomit, a littlebit of just like pa of pain
coming out and you're just like,what what just happened and like
needing to process that, butthen going back and being like,
okay, so you said this.
What did you mean by that?
Like,
Kimber (32:08):
That's
Meghan (32:08):
this what you meant to say?
You know, and they're like, ohno, actually I was just, I
didn't take time to stop andthink about it, and it was just
got defensive, Whatever.
it was, you know?
Um, and so allowing that, like,it's so easy for us to go just
like push away and say, I'm donewith that.
She was rude.
Instead of being like, Yeah.
Instead of just being like, Hey,you know, like, let's talk about
(32:29):
this a
Kimber (32:29):
Yeah.
I love that.
That phrase that you said oflike, Hey, you said this, it
hurt me.
Like, can we talk more aboutthat?
Or is that what you meant or.
Whatever, because.
It's so true that like we speakcarelessly at times.
And so rather than like lettingthat inform, then our identity
moving forward.
Um, addressing it and, you know,in a way that could lead to
(32:53):
working through it.
I also love that you brought inthe Lord to that because I feel
like at the end of the day, likewe can try to be trustworthy
people, but like you said, we'regoing to fail and we're going to
let people down and disappointthem and hurt them.
And so I feel like there's apoint where we can.
(33:14):
we can try at this and we can,you know, seek to be trustworthy
friends.
But at the end of the day, Idon't think that we should, um,
we can hold this too muchourselves.
Like we have to trust God withour friendships and I think.
That, that looks like at the endof the day.
I can't trust, my friendcompletely because she's a
(33:35):
flawed human, but I can liketrust my friendships to God.
And that through the hurt that Iexperienced in the avenue of
friendship.
Um, that he'll hold my heart andwork in, sanctifying me through
that.
So I feel like it's, it's kindof a shift of my expectations,
my expectations.
Aren't on my friend to beperfect or to.
(33:56):
hold any kind of statement on myidentity and who I am, but, God
holds that and therefore I cantrust him with that
relationship.
Meghan (34:04):
Yeah,
Kimber (34:05):
you see, how do you see like your relationship with God
impacting kind of thattrustworthiness and friendship
for you?
Where do you see this coming up?
Meghan (34:13):
I think that knowing that God's never gonna fail me
and that I can always trust him,becomes that like foundation to
where I can open up my heartmore to other people.
Knowing, knowing with theexpectation that they are going
to mess up?
I am going to mess up.
Um, but knowing that, like whenyou have that, like we had
(34:33):
talked about like that trianglepiece.
And that God's up here, and thenit's you and me.
Like we, if we are both kind ofdoing this, it's gonna get
itself figured out and causewe're both wanting to honor the
Lord and honor each other, evenwhen we slip up and mess up,
like if that's our heart, thenYeah.
it's gonna build trust.
Um, it's just talking about itand praying about it together,
(34:55):
praying about it separately,
Kimber (34:57):
And working through that, honestly.
Yeah.
I love that.
So as we're kind of like lookingout in this, like, those are
kind of some of the things Ifeel like that we can avoid and
like we should watch for, and,you know, as we're trying to be
that friend that we need.
but on the flip side, like whenwe're looking for a trustworthy
friend, I feel like there aresome things that we can look
(35:19):
for.
some things that can help ussee.
Oh like that person seems like atrustworthy person.
I want to lean into thatfriendship a little bit more.
And one thing that we talkedabout earlier that I think is.
Uh, a good indicator for me isthat person who shuts down
gossip in the moment.
Like that's, that's such, I haveso much respect for someone who,
(35:40):
who does that in the moment.
And.
Can do it kindly like, um, I hada friend the other day who said
just that exactly.
She was like, this conversationmakes me uncomfortable.
Can we talk about somethingelse?
Meghan (35:52):
Wow.
Kimber (35:52):
like, yeah.
And I love that she trusted oursmall group of girls that were
having that conversation in thatmoment to say that.
Um, and then, and we pivotedand, and that made me respect
her more.
And.
And I know that she is atrustworthy person, not because
of just that one instance, but,um, because of, you know, what
(36:14):
I've seen like that.
And so that's one thing thatcomes to mind for me.
What are some other things thatyou think, you know, we could be
looking for?
Meghan (36:22):
Yeah, I love that.
Cause that's, yeah, that waswhat I was gonna say.
It's like if I know in thepublic setting, like you have my
back, like that's a hugeindicator.
cuz what, you know, you, there'sprivate, but then it's also in
that, in that public place thatyou kind of get to show it.
Um, I think it so speaks thetruth to you that.
you're able to speak the truth.
Um, That shows trust of like,you know, like I, I just had a
(36:43):
friend that was like, Hey, Ineed to talk to you about
something that.
I'm like kind of seeing.
And I might be completely offbase here, but this is kind of
like, here's what I'm just like,as an outsider looking in what
I'm seeing.
And, I, you know, years ago forme, I would've been like, oh
heck no.
Like, I don't, don't you dare,you know?
And instead I saw that as like,she loves me so much.
(37:06):
That she's like willing to saythe really, really hard thing.
And that for me builds trust oflike, I can come to her and it
makes me wanna be that persontoo, of like, Hey, you know,
like, what's going on here?
Like, I just wanna get like acheck-in, you know?
And, and so for me that's like ahuge piece too, is, and that my,
my, so my name is protected,like, you're not afraid to tell
me the truth.
And I know like in those momentsof like, Hey, like I want you to
(37:28):
know that there'sconfidentiality here.
I'm gonna keep my mouth shut.
Or how is it that we can likework through this and bring you
closer to God and me closer toGod in the process?
Kimber (37:38):
Yeah.
I love that.
Maybe even with a newfriendship, like articulating
that more than feels
Meghan (37:42):
Mm-hmm.
Kimber (37:43):
Because I think a lot of times we're just like, oh, we
assume that.
But like, Does everyone assumethat I don't
Meghan (37:49):
Right.
I yeah.
Yeah.
One of the things I always, Iwould say is when I know like
I've built trust with someone iswhen they don't have to say to
me like, can you keep thisbetween us?
Kimber (37:59):
Hm, that's
Meghan (38:00):
Like when they know, like they can just tell me and
it's not gonna go anywhere orvice versa.
When I can like talk to you, ifI talk to you about something I
don't have to say, can you justmake sure this stays between us?
Kimber (38:09):
Um,
Meghan (38:10):
Because when that, when that gets said, I feel like
there is that sliver of can Itrust you?
Like am I'm still building thattrust.
So when it's like, Hey, it'swhat's going on, and I know it's
not leaving That table orwherever.
To not have to say that for meis like a huge indicator of
like, I've, we've felt trusttogether.
Kimber (38:27):
Mm, that's so good to look for.
I love that.
That's good.
Well, friends listening.
We've been kind of wrapping upour summer series episodes with,
um, just a little challenge foryou guys to help take this from
just talk to actual, like livingit out.
And so, um, just with this ideaof like being trustworthy,
(38:47):
what's our challenge for thisweek, Megan, with like putting
this into practice.
Meghan (38:52):
Uh, I'm gonna, since our, I had a different one, but
our conversation kinda went alittle different direction.
So I'm changing it to, um, bethe bold person that when the
conversation gets uncomfortableor you're feeling like this is
petering to be the one thatstops it.
You know, and that.
can be like, this makes meuncomfortable.
It can be like, Hey guys, likeshe's not here.
Can we not, you know, howeveryou feel like you need to phrase
(39:14):
that, um, in a kind, loving way,but take that step.
Kimber (39:18):
Um, I love that.
And friends listening, I willtry to share when this comes out
on the podcast, I'll share onsocial media that week.
Some of those.
Uh, resources about gossip, um,and just like some practical
language too, of like sidestepthose kinds of conversations and
shut them down.
Um, that I've kind of gatheredfrom people in my life and from
(39:38):
my own study and stuff that canhelp us to be able to articulate
that.
Because for me, at least when Ihave those kinds of phrases in
my back pocket and they're, theyfeel pretty natural because.
you know, I've either used thembefore or I've at least thought
about them.
Uh, I'm more likely to say thatin the moment, because for me, a
lot of times, the thing thatkeeps me from speaking is I'm
like, oh, I don't know how tosay this.
I don't know what to say.
Meghan (40:00):
Right.
Kimber (40:01):
If I have something to say that can help.
So yes, I love it.
Well, thank you so much, Megan.
Thanks for hanging out friendslistening.
man, I pray that this can movefrom our conversation here to
live in it out this week in yourfriendships.
Thanks Megan.
(40:21):
Friends.
I'm so glad you could join meand Megan on the show this week
Being a trustworthy friend issomething that takes
intentionality and a commitmenthonoring our people.
But I really do believe thatit's going to have big payoffs
down the road in ourfriendships.
And if you're loving this seriesso far, would you tell a friend
about the podcast, the seek.
Just shoot her a DM with a postfrom social media or text her
(40:43):
and episode Lincoln.
Ask if she listens so that youguys can talk about it.
The next time you hang out.
So great way to jumpstart thoseconversations that we are
praying.
This series sparks in yourfriendships this summer, as you
were out doing all the summerfun.
I've read this conversation andthe ones that come from it.
Bless your friendships thissummer.
And speaking of, I do know howbusy summer can get, so make
(41:03):
sure that you've subscribed tothe podcast wherever you listen,
so that you don't miss anepisode.
You can also sign up to be partof my newsletter crews so that
you get a weekly previewdirectly to your email inbox of
what will be on the podcast thatweek.
Just visit your sisterkimber.com to subscribe there.
Friends.
Thank you so much for spendingpart of your day with us until
next time.
(41:24):
It's your sister Kimber.
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