May 20, 2025 • 43 mins
Why do you keep choosing the wrong people, feeling unloved, or failing to find the connection you crave? In this emotional and raw episode of Your Ultimate Life, guest Anil Gupta—known globally as The Love Doctor—reveals the hidden reasons most people are stuck in pain, loneliness, or toxic relationship cycles… and how to fix it, fast.
Anil shares his own story of suicidal despair, how a moment of truth from his wife changed everything, and why forgiveness, integrity, and self-love are the starting points for every healing journey.
Whether you’re single, in a struggling relationship, or just tired of feeling unworthy of love, this episode is the wake-up call—and the roadmap—you’ve been waiting for.
🔑 Key Takeaways:
✔️ Why most people attract toxic or unhealthy relationships.
✔️ The 3 traits to demand in a partner: Integrity, Loving, and Healthy.
✔️ How to stop being a “rescuer” and break codependency patterns.
✔️ A practical process to start forgiving yourself and releasing shame.
Who is Anil Gupta?
Mindset & Relationship Coach: Anil specializes in helping individuals and couples overcome personal and relationship challenges. His focus is on gratitude, forgiveness, and living with intention.
Author of Immediate Happiness: His bestselling book offers simple yet powerful tools to help people experience deep happiness and fulfillment without external changes.
TEDx Speaker & International Thought Leader: Anil has delivered TEDx talks and shared stages with figures like Richard Branson, Robin Sharma, and Tony Robbins. His message often centers on the idea that “Happiness is a choice, not a result.”
Founder of The Happiness Formula: A framework he developed to help people gain clarity, connection, and confidence by letting go of blame, shame, and resentment.
✅ Next Steps for You:
🔥 Visit Anil Gupta’s website for free tools: https://www.meetanil.com
📘 Check out his books, videos, and events on self-love & relationship mastery
🎯 Join the Dream, Build, Write It Challenge – Starts June 2!
👉 Register FREE: www.dreambuildwriteit.com
💬 Want to be featured or work with Kellan?
👉 https://www.yourultimatelifepodcast.com/contact
🌎 Explore Kellan’s books & coaching: https://kellanfluckigermedia.com
#ToxicRelationships #SelfLoveJourney #EmotionalHealing #AnilGupta #KellanFluckiger #YourUltimateLife
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:02):
Welcome to the show.
Tired of the hype about livinga dream?
It's time for truth.
This is the place for tools,power, and real talk so you can create
the life you dream and deserveyour ultimate life.
Subscribe, share, create.
(00:24):
You have infinite power.
Hello, and welcome to yourultimate life, the podcast that I
invented just to help youcreate a life of purpose, prosperity
and joy with what you have,your skills, your gifts, and your
life experience.
I'm excited today to have aspecial guest, Anil Gupta, who's
(00:47):
coming to us from the Far eastor Near East.
No, Far East.
And with us today.
Anil, welcome to the show.
Hey, Kevin, thank you forinviting me.
Excited to be here.
I am so stoked.
I enjoyed our pre convo aboutwhat you do, and I remembered then
our conversation from before,which was a few months ago.
(01:08):
So I'm going to start withjust an interesting question because
I know the answer, or at leastI know some of the answer.
But I don't want you to bebashful or modest at all.
I just want you to tell me,tell me how Anil adds good to the
world.
(01:28):
You know, Ken and I have aunique ability to remove obstacles
that are preventing peoplefrom receiving and giving love to
the people that they reallywant to in a very, very short time
period.
And it's a beautiful process.
And people need it.
They really need it becausepeople are suffering unnecessarily.
(01:48):
They don't have the tools, thecommunication skills or the methodology
or system to allow them to beable to do that.
They were never given amanual, and I'm the guy that gives
them the.
Manual, the love manual.
You give me a system andcommunication tools, and those are
(02:10):
processes, I'm sure, withouteven asking, but I'm asking that
there's more thancommunication and so forth.
It's the want to.
You said you help people giveand receive love from people they
want to.
So there's a.
There's a spiritual and heartpiece to this.
Is that true?
(02:30):
Tell me a little about that.
It is.
You know, because people aredisconnected from their relatives,
from their spouses, from theirchildren, from themselves even.
And they've never being ableto, or no one's being able to guide
them onto a journey that willallow them to have even more love.
(02:54):
Their capacity to love and beloved increases.
And guess what?
Because they can do that,their vibrational energy changes.
They'll make more money,they'll make a bigger impact.
They'll be happier, they'll bemore fulfilled.
And I think it's a fundamentalkey in living a richer, fuller, happy
life.
So you're telling me, and Ihappen to believe you, but I'm going
(03:17):
to restate it.
If I learn the emotional,spiritual and communication skills
and secrets, as it were, togive and receive love, I live better,
I have more fun, I make moremoney, I make a bigger impact, and
I unlock a joyous mode or paththrough life that I didn't have before.
(03:46):
You know, you've said it sobeautifully, and, you know, life
becomes a lot easier to handle.
We, we don't get reactive.
We, we don't get, you know, wedon't let obstacles destroy our lives
because we, we're ready for it.
We have the tools.
It's like when you're driving,you're not thinking, oh, someone's
going to jump in front of me.
Oh, that's going to happen.
That's going to happen.
You've done it before, so youknow that whatever happens, you'll
(04:09):
handle it.
So it's the same with life.
We, we weren't given thosedriving skills, those life skills
to allow us to handle whateverlife throws at us.
You're right.
But, but I think about an infant.
You know, you're born kind ofwithout baggage and without garbage.
You're born kind of pure and innocent.
(04:31):
And in various, certainlyChristian, but in other religious
traditions, they talk aboutbecoming as a little child.
And it doesn't mean naive, butit doesn't mean open, curious, loving
and all the rest.
What is it about our worldthat contaminates us so badly that
we then have to relearn ourability to just do the most basic
(04:53):
food of the spirit, which is love?
You know, that's a great question.
And I have my theory.
Well, I want it.
I have a, I have a grandson,and he probably gets 500 kisses a
day.
You know, he's one year old,one year, two months now.
He's going to continue to getthose kisses, but one day he's going
(05:16):
to go to school, and thenhe'll go to school, and then all
of a sudden those kisses arereduced to maybe 100 a day.
And then one day he will dosomething that annoys the parents
and they will scold him.
And he thinks, oh, my parentsdon't love me.
I have to do something toplease them.
And that's where things startto change.
(05:38):
Because the parents expect thechild to behave.
They expect the child to docertain things.
And when they, when theexpectations start, that's when the
problems start.
Because the child doesn't feelthey're good enough.
They don't belong.
There's something wrong with them.
They have to do something tomake them feel loved, and it shouldn't
(05:58):
be that way.
Does it make us.
Are you saying that it makesus sort of feel like we have to earn
love?
We have to be or say or do orbehave a certain way before we can
have love?
You know, it becomes that way.
And it could be acting out, orif you suddenly act out and you get
(06:19):
attention, you think, oh, thisis great.
It could be by, you know,performing tasks.
It could be by excelling atschool, at sports, or doing something.
And all of a sudden, oh, that I.
I better keep on doing that.
So there's.
There's a lot of fear around that.
But if you were constantlygiving your child love and they felt
love, that he wouldn't have todo anything in order to receive love.
(06:41):
And then they don't have toworry about being loved, being good
enough, not.
Not belonging.
And everyone enjoys life.
You know, I remember when myson was young, I would.
And in being in the Indiancommunity, we're very highly strung
around education.
And he.
He wasn't doing so well.
So I got him a tutor, and itstill wasn't doing well.
(07:04):
And I thought, why am I doing this?
Because I was so concernedwhat other people were thinking around
my community.
And I thought, I'm not doingit for him.
I'm doing it for me becauseI'm so concerned what other people
are thinking.
So I said to him, son, we'regoing to stop the tutoring.
And he said, dad, why is it.
And he.
Do you enjoy?
Said, no, Dad, I really don'tlike it.
I said, okay, well, stop it.
And then guess what, Helen?
(07:26):
He.
He.
He flourished.
We just have to be patientwith our kids.
You know, when they're born,we say to ourselves, I'll do anything
for you.
I'll protect you.
I'll keep you safe.
And the child doesn't do anything.
It just lies there.
But it's surrounded by so muchlove, and it gives so much love,
but it gets transactionallater on.
(07:47):
And, Kelly, you know, the mostpainful thing is when you pick up
your child from school, theydon't even want to see you.
They don't want to hold your hand.
They don't want to be in your vicinity.
That is so painful.
It happens all the time.
You know, I know there's apart of growing up where every kid
needs to figure out their ownidentity and test boundaries and
(08:08):
all that sort of stuff, andthat's natural.
But what you're saying is inour effort to educate or prepare
a child for meeting the world,as it were, instead of having a safe
place where they'reunconditionally accepted and there
(08:30):
have to be boundaries on behavior.
I get that.
But somehow we.
Either because that happenedto us or because we can't think of
a better way or something,something we.
We use a tool that feels a lotlike, or actually is withholding
love, so that it becomestransactional, conditional.
(08:52):
And then you enter into thiswhole thing of feeling like you have
to earn your place in the world.
Is that what you're telling me?
And yeah.
And, you know, we've beenhypnotized into that.
We've never been educated.
And I.
And I tell parents thegreatest gift you can give your kids
is this.
Give them the ability tohandle life by throwing adversity
(09:15):
at them that they canreasonably handle.
But parents don't do that.
They're very protective,especially when in our age group,
we're very successful.
So when our kids were born, wedidn't want them to go through the
adversity we went through.
So we tend to make life easyfor them.
But that's the worst thing youcan do.
It's the worst thing you can do.
(09:37):
So how do you get somebody toa parent and a parent with a kid
that's, I don't know, between1 and 10 or 15 or something, and
I realize the strategies aredifferent with different ages, but
how do you get them to bothunderstand the principle of allowing
adversity and, you know,letting the kids struggle with.
(10:02):
With things to learn inpreparation for life, not, not creating
negative things, but allowinglife to just sort of do what it does
and you be there to love andsupport, but allow them to do what
it is.
How do you get them tounderstand that when, you know, the
tendency is to be, you know,helicopter parents kind of thing.
Yeah.
(10:22):
And you can curate and create it.
So, for example, if, say, yourchild is three years old, you take
him 200 yards from home andyou ask him to guide you home.
Then 400 yards from home,guide you home.
500 yards from home, guide you home.
You know, a thousand yardsfrom home, guide you home.
(10:42):
And if they get.
If they make a mistake, youcoach them and guide them.
Say, hey, do you remember welive near that church?
If any time you get lost, justremember where that church is.
Or if you need to ask someone,say, hi, I live by a big church.
So you have to throw adversityat them and they can reasonably handle
if they fall down, don't Rushto pick them up.
(11:03):
And Kellen, if you look at thelanguaging that parents use, they
say, oh, don't do that.
It's too dangerous.
You'll fall down, you'll hurt yourself.
And you can repeating it allthe time.
I've heard people say that sixor seven times in two minutes.
And what do you think thechild is thinking?
Oh, it's too dangerous, Ibetter be careful, I'm going to hurt
myself.
(11:23):
It's the wrong signals to send them.
Let them hurt themselves.
You know, I, I actually agreewith you 100%.
When I was growing up, I mean,we took off from home and we were
down by a large creek whichran by the house, which was flood
control creek, but we didn'tknow there was always a little bit
of water in the bottom of itrunning, unless it rained a lot,
(11:46):
in which case it was a lot ofwater in it running.
And we went down there andhunted frogs and got in the mud and,
you know, did whatever andclimbed fences and trees and, you
know, got dented and scratchedand stuff like that.
And that is almost not onlytaboo, but looked down on in terms
(12:07):
of a little bit of what you'retalking about.
Yeah, absolutely.
And, you know, we used to experiment.
You know, we'd go down to the,to the river.
We catch fish in a glass bottle.
We'd make our own fishing rodsout of bamboo sticks.
But kids, you know, they don'tdo that sort of stuff.
They don't get out there, theydon't get dirty, they don't get hurt.
(12:29):
We kept in safe confines andkids need to do that.
They need to stick, thinkoutside of the box, you know, let
their minds expand.
So I love that.
And you're right, I want toget back to the love piece, which
is the central theme of yourcontribution to the world.
And I, I, I love it becauseI'm sitting here imagining if one
(12:53):
person, like, if you help megive and receive love more freely,
eliminate barriers to that,eliminate stories and those kinds
of things, the world, theworld will be a better place because
then I'll affect some peoplearound me, and so will they.
And if you help ten or athousand or a million people connect
(13:16):
with the truth of love, theirability to receive it, to language
it, to demonstrate it, youknow, you're going to have a huge
or are having a huge impact inthe world in terms of reducing suffering,
making people happier, and awhole list of things that I could
go on and on about.
So tell me what you do now tohelp that happen or if the.
(13:41):
That.
That I didn't.
That I described isn't right,fix it.
But tell me how you do that.
It's really.
And you know, as a coach, thenumber one thing is to listen.
But one of the top things thatyou can do is to forgive.
You forgive yourself and toforgive others.
People tend to hold on and itstarts to eat them up, and, you know,
(14:05):
they fall ill.
So I, I call forgiveness theexpress pathway to freedom.
The quality of your life isdependent on the depth and authenticity
of the forgiveness you extendto yourself and to others.
Then, you know, we, we talkabout languaging, letting go of the
past.
It's not what you say, it'show you say it.
And, and, you know, can a lotof people have problems with their
(14:27):
parents?
They, they're not grateful.
They.
They're complaining abouttheir parents.
And I explain them, and I'llexplain this very simply.
I said, look, there's twoparts to your parents.
There's a part that gave youlife, the beautiful gift of life
that they gave you.
The other part to them istheir behavior.
You don't have to love theirbehavior, but you can love them as,
(14:50):
as, you know, your seed.
And they, they.
They don't understand that atfirst, but when you explain it and
we, we go a little bit deeper.
Oh, yeah, you know, my dad wasan alcoholic.
Great.
You know, don't like thealcoholic side of it, but he gave
you life.
You wouldn't be here.
You've got a beautiful wifeand you've got three kids.
(15:10):
None of those people would bein your life without your dad.
And you're going to havegrandchildren, great grandchildren.
They wouldn't be here withoutyour dad.
And they, Ellen, they tear upand they realize, oh, my God.
And you know what?
If your kids turned around andsaid that to you, how would you feel?
And then say, well, I'm tryingto do my best.
(15:31):
You know, it's.
It stems from awareness.
People don't have the awareness.
So, you know, the depth andpower of what you do and work on.
We could have a whole day seminar.
And so our, our challenge andfun is going to be pulling out some
really important things.
You just talked a little bitabout forgiveness, and I couldn't
(15:55):
agree with you any more than I do.
I wrote a book calledForgiveness A Journey of Courage
to a Place of Freedom and Power.
And I wrote it exactly for thereason that you described.
Exactly.
Because it is that and becauseI needed.
I mean, I've written a bunchof books, but every one of them's
been Because I needed to dothis thing.
(16:16):
And when I got done, I thoughtthat might help somebody, so I wrote
about it.
Right.
And, and I love that youdescribed it.
Why is it so hard for us toforgive ourselves?
Which at least for me, was wayharder than forgiving other people.
Why is that so hard?
You know, as human beings, wefeel we're not good enough, we're
(16:39):
not smart enough, there'ssomething wrong with us.
I'm not lovable, I'm not worthy.
And as human beings, we loveto be right.
And, and especially if you'resuccessful, you love to be right
about being right.
So what you'll do, you'll find evidence.
Oh, I'm not good enough.
Oh, I did that.
Oh, that was so stupid.
Oh, that was so stupid.
And then you create stories tofulfill that thought process.
(17:02):
And forgiveness is nothing todo with anybody else.
It's you just letting go.
People don't realize the mostexpensive real estate in the world
is in between their ears.
Yet they, they.
They rent out space to peoplethat they think have hurt them.
And those people don't even care.
So it's ludicrous, but theyjust don't know how to.
And they don't know thebenefit of them.
(17:24):
And there's a benefit of thebenefit of the benefit of the benefit,
and it's freedom.
So I'm going to dive in andI'm going to ask, I'm going to say
something.
I'm going to ask you the question.
So how does you know?
If you could teach me and thelisteners how to forgive ourselves,
or at least a beginning set ofsteps to take to think about.
(17:45):
Because you're right.
We rent space in our heads forothers, and we carry space in our
head for our own recrimination.
I define forgiveness as.
And I love that you said it'sjust you.
It doesn't have anything to dowith anybody else.
I say it this way.
Forgiveness is choosing to nolonger allow events from the past
(18:06):
to have power in the present.
And that's how I describe that.
But I want you to teach us how.
Do you start with someone whois carrying shame and guilt toward
themselves?
Now I realize it could besomeone else or parents or uncle
or somebody that did whateverthey did.
But let's just start with self.
So if someone has made a lotof mistakes and done things that
(18:28):
in retrospect they look backand say, I had.
Wish I hadn't done that.
And if I hadn't done that,then, if only, then this and this.
And they make up stories aboutwhat would have happened, which they
don't know.
But how do you.
How do you help me start on that?
So I ask you a simple question.
What are your positive traits?
And they'll say, well, I'm kind.
Okay, great.
(18:49):
What else do you know?
I'm kind.
I'm generous.
I'm playful and fun.
I really care.
I'm loyal, I'm reliable.
I'm trustworthy.
I'm honest.
I'm strong.
I'm powerful.
I thoughtful.
I'm smart.
I care about people.
I want to help people.
(19:11):
I hardworking, I'm religious.
I'm unstoppable, successful,playful, exciting.
A great human being.
So that's a great.
So then I say, look, imagineyou go into a dark room late at night.
(19:34):
What's the first thing you do?
So, well, I put on the light, right?
But I said, look, most peoplein life, they try and remove the
darkness from their lives.
They focus on the negativesand they try and remove those.
And it's ludicrous to go intoa dark room and remove the darkness.
You have to be the light.
So then I tell people torepeat those cantations.
(19:56):
I'm strong.
I'm kind.
I'm generous.
I'm.
I'm playful.
I'm fun.
I'm Strong.
I'm a TEDx speaker.
Fox News, Sky TV, ABC, NBC.
When I speak, people listen.
I care.
I'm generous.
I'm fun.
I'm funny.
People love me.
I love people.
I'm an amazing human being.
I have loyal.
I'm loyal.
I'm reliable.
(20:16):
I'm trustworthy.
You know what?
I'm a really good person.
Holy people don't do that.
They just focus on thenegative, but keep on doing those
incantations.
And then they realize, thetruth is, I am kind.
The truth is I'm strong.
The truth is I make a difference.
The truth is, when I speak,people listen.
The truth is, I am a genuine person.
(20:37):
The truth is, I care.
The truth is, then theyrealize the truth, and then they
create a neural pathway whichwill destroy the old neural pathway.
I love that.
And I love your description asturning on the light instead of.
You shouldn't feel bad aboutthat anymore.
You were doing the best you could.
It was just a mistake.
(20:59):
That's like trying to removethe darkness and by saying things
which are true.
I am that.
And sometimes people, at leastin my experience, object to that
saying, well, I'm not goodenough at that.
I can't really say I'm kind,because I am.
I try, but I'm not, you know,and they sort of parse that because
they feel like they're notdone improving, proving their kindness
(21:20):
or punctuality or whatever it is.
And.
But doing what you just saidis so.
And it's.
I think it's important to helppeople understand it's not bs.
You're not trying to make upstuff to create the imposter syndrome.
You're talking about thingsthat are true for yourself.
(21:41):
And so you can say them with power.
And the more you do that, themore power they have and the truer
they become, because then youmore thoroughly identify with and,
you know, your neural pathwaysget created, and then when you have
choice, next hour or tomorrow,those things affect what you then
(22:01):
choose to do next time.
Yeah.
And that, you know, that's.
We start there, then we go deeper.
And, you know, if there couldbe some childhood trauma.
And I said, people don't usethat word, trauma.
Every time you use it, youbring it up.
Just say, I had a childhood occurrence.
There's less emotion around anoccurrence or an observation, even.
(22:23):
Observation is even betterthan that.
So the languaging, you know,we have to teach them the languaging.
And then, you know, they beatthemselves up.
Oh, why am I so stupid?
And we teach them to askbetter quality questions.
What in this moment could I doto enhance this person's life?
And then once you remove thefocus from themselves and focus on
other people, all the pain andsuffering disappears.
(22:45):
There's two things you saidthat I think are so important.
You said, focus on language.
And sometimes I'll ask people,well, do you love yourself?
And they'll say, yeah.
And then I ask a different question.
I say, so if I was a fly onthe wall and I was able to watch
you all day long and hear allof your internal dialogue, everything
you say would I exclaim inGlee, that is a person that loves
(23:09):
themself.
And then it's like, yeah, no,okay, then what would I see?
What do I need to see?
That says, you love yourself,and I love your reframing of trauma.
Because every time we.
I mean, Shakespeare, I thinkif somebody said, nothing is good
or bad till we make it so.
So if we keep labeling anincident evil, bad, wrong, trauma,
(23:32):
painful, then we rekindle thepower of that thing, I think is what
you're telling me.
Is that right?
Absolutely.
You know, when people say, I.
I have ptsd, I have adhd, Ihave this.
I said, don't use those words.
Yeah.
It just intensifies that feeling.
Trauma, ptsd, you know, abuse,don't use those words.
(23:58):
So when that's.
I love those, and those arevery helpful.
And I would encourageeverybody to think about.
Listen to this a couple times,this part, and, and check your language
and your, your energy and your intention.
And how are you talking to yourself?
How are you treating yourself?
Because the repetition of, ofnegative things creates that shame
and guilt that doesn't doanybody any good.
(24:18):
It doesn't fix whatever it isyou thought you did or didn't do.
And it doesn't let you be alight now.
All it does is, you know,build more darkness.
So that's about forgiveness,which I love.
And in the beginning, beforewe start talking, you said you help
people find love, find matesas well.
You talked about families and individuals.
(24:38):
But you also said findinghealthy and good relationships.
Talk about that.
Because there's certainly alot of loneliness and a lot of feeling
in the world that people can't find.
All the, you know, all thegood women or all the good men are
gone.
That sort of phrase.
Tell me a little bit about howthat goes.
How do you help people changetheir, change that for themselves?
(24:59):
Well, the first thing I tellthem is stop dating.
Because dating is stupid.
People meet someone, they,they go on a date, and then, you
know, they spend two or threeyears and they find out they're not
the right person.
They go on the next date,spend 6 months not the right person,
and continues.
So, Helen, if you were to buya car, would you research buying
(25:22):
a car, which car to get?
Of course you would.
Yeah, but people tend to research.
Yeah, people spend more timeresearching a car than they.
They do on finding a partner,finding about, about the partner.
And they, they think, oh, this love.
Oh, I get on well with this person.
They must be the right person.
(25:43):
But they don't have a formula.
So people say yes to arelationship, but until it's a no.
It has to be.
It's a no until it's a yes.
You find out something about them.
And there are three criteria.
Any partner that you choose.
One, must have integrity.
Two, they must be loving.
Not transactionally, butloving to you and to other people.
(26:04):
And three, they have to be healthy.
Emotionally, physically,spiritually, mentally, and financially.
Most people pick.
People pick partners who areemotionally not healthy.
That's 80% of the issue.
But they don't do their duediligence before getting into that
relationship.
You know, they rely on emotionto make that decision.
(26:26):
But you can't do that.
Instead of having a 90% failrate, how would, would it be if you
had a 90% success rate.
If you could go to the casino,have a 90% success rate, you're going
to go to the casino.
They're all.
Casinos would be out ofbusiness, right?
Absolutely.
Which would be a bad thing.
So what are those three things again?
The three things are what questions?
(26:47):
Integrity, which means, youknow, being your word, being on time,
not gossiping, notcomplaining, not bitching.
You know, just being a good person.
Loving, not just to you, butto everyone.
Loving towards your parents,your exes, the people that you meet.
And the third one is healthy.
Emotional, physical,spiritual, mental and financial.
(27:11):
Emotional.
You know, why do you supposepeople are attracted?
I mean, you can tell ifsomebody's physically healthy, maybe
not so much mentally.
Why do you suppose people areattracted so much to emotionally
broken people?
Because I think that's true,that they are, and they ignore it
and they pretend it'll be okayand a bunch of other reasons that
(27:32):
they ignore that.
So why do you suppose thatattraction is so strong?
It's one word.
They are rescuers.
They want to rescue someone.
And it's the worst thing youcan do because they'll.
Those people will suck theenergy out of you.
They'll destroy everythingthat you stand for, and they'll take
(27:54):
the.
The joy out of life.
You don't need to rescue anyone.
There's.
There's a particular personthat person will be with.
It's not you.
You know, it's such adebilitating situation.
And people fall in love soeasily, and they want to fall in
love.
They have this romanticthought that I'm in love.
(28:15):
Oh, my God.
And Kellen, love is blind.
You know, there's.
There are people I know thatare falling in love with absolutely
the wrong person.
They don't see it.
The brothers, sisters,children see it, but they don't see
it.
And they just blind.
And this is where theawareness comes in.
(28:36):
Do your due diligence and thenmake an informed decision whether
they're the right person to bewith or not.
How do you stay detachedenough or objective enough to do
some due diligence on that?
Because that's easy for you to say.
But I suspect one of thethings that people either think or
experience is it's hard to dosome due diligence when you kind
(28:57):
of like somebody and it's sortof developing.
So what do you think about.
How do you tell people do alittle due diligence faster and a
little bit more objectively?
Yeah.
So I call it abcd.
Always be collecting data andwrite it down.
And don't Believe what otherpeople are telling you.
So will you role play for mein a minute?
(29:18):
You bet.
Let's do it.
So imagine I.
I'm on a dating site.
On the dating site, I say, Ilove dogs.
Okay.
You, you know, want to get toknow me, but you don't love dogs.
And I want you to lie to me inthe questions I ask.
Okay?
Okay.
Hey, Kellen.
And do you.
Do you like dogs?
Oh, yeah.
I had a friend that had agreat dog.
Love dogs.
(29:38):
Yeah.
What's your favorite dog?
Well, that one my friend hadwas a.
A lab.
A Golden.
A Golden Lab.
That was a lot of fun.
Okay.
Yeah.
Any photos of any dogs you've owned?
No, I don't.
Well, I've never owned a dog,but I really enjoyed that dog that
(29:59):
my friend had.
Okay, so we've spoken forabout a minute.
Yeah.
If.
If you just said, oh, I lovedogs, I.
And you know, I want to hearthat, oh, my God.
Kenneth loves dogs.
Oh, my God.
But don't believe what peopletell you.
Look for alignment.
Look for confirmation.
It doesn't have to be now.
(30:20):
It could be in a week.
But then write this stuff down.
Kellen loves dogs.
And then a week later, he seesyou with him walking, and all of
a sudden he's like this.
With the dog that.
There's a disparity there.
So that's data.
If you write it down, it takesaway the emotion.
Because what we do, we tend tofocus on the good stuff, and we forget
(30:43):
about the bad stuff.
We just don't want to hear it.
And as soon as you get into alittle bit more closer relationship,
the bad stuff becomes thatpermanently annoying thing that you
can't stand anymore.
And so you're on the road to failure.
Yeah.
And there's a cycle.
So what happens is that thething that attracted you to that
(31:04):
person, say, they're playfuland you're in that relationship.
They're not integrous, they'renot loving, they're not healthy,
but they're playful.
And then when they're playful,it draws you in and you think, wow,
you know, he's so playful.
I love that.
And all the other stuff disappears.
And that's what draws peoplein and keeps them in a relationship.
So they focus.
What you're saying is we.
(31:26):
We, to our own detriment,focus on a single one or two things
that are very attractive andignore the long list of, or even
medium list of things that areessentially like, if I was going
to buy a house, I'd have alist of Non negotiables.
Based on how many people I'vegot, you know, it's got to have this
many rooms, bedroom got to beno further than this.
(31:47):
That non negotiables.
And I don't care how cool thehouse was, if it was didn't meet
one of those, that was reallynon negotiable, I just wouldn't buy
it because.
And so you're saying at leasthave some set of things that are
really important to you andthen always be collecting data to
see if there's compatibilityin those areas.
Yeah, absolutely.
And say, you know, you find ahouse you want to buy and you need
(32:08):
to sell your house, you cleanit up.
You wouldn't just sell it.
And that's what I tell people.
Look before you, before I helpyou find a partner, we have to work
on you first because we wantto make you more attractive, change
your vibrational energy, letgo of the past so that when you do
show up, it's just going to bea lot easier because if we don't
(32:29):
get rid of that baggage,that's a problem with dating sites
and matchmaking.
You can bring two peopletogether, but if they've got the
baggage already there, youhave to remove the baggage first.
So I love that.
Let me ask you, is that yourfirst area of focus is to find out
what, where a person like me,if I came to you to find a date,
(32:50):
a maid or something or someonehave a relationship with, and you
discover that I'm not a personof integrity because of my behavior
or whatever, or I'm not aloving person because of how I talk
to people, or there is clearlyone or more areas where my health
is questionable, you know,mental or emotional health.
That's where you start workingget me so that I become an attractive
(33:14):
person because I haveintegrity, lovingness and health
in those areas.
I start with doing a deepaudit of all their past relationships.
And I showed them, look,there's a pattern here.
There's a pattern.
This is why you're choosingthem and this is why it doesn't work.
And you know, because, youknow, often I ask people to do a
(33:38):
back test on integrity, lovingand healthy, and they all say, yeah,
they had integrity, they'reloving the healthy.
Then I said, hey, were theyalways on time?
Did they always do what theysaid they were going to do?
Did they complain about other people?
Were they miserable?
Oh, yeah, they were then said,well, you know, that's out of integrity.
It's not loving.
And then, you know, did, didthey, did they lie about their health.
(34:00):
Were they on medications anddidn't tell you?
And did they.
Were they in constant contactwith past relationships?
Were they not able to let goof the past relationships?
Yeah, but then they think theycould fix it.
But I say, look, that's nothealthy, it's not integral, it's
not loving.
And then all of a sudden theysay, yeah, you know what?
I, I just jumped to those conclusions.
(34:22):
But they've never been trained.
I love the fact that you saidthere were rescuers.
And we all have this feeling,either a little or a lot, that we
like helping people.
You know, we're drawn to help.
We're built literally,physically, spiritually to love and
serve.
So that's how we're created.
And sometimes we do it from areally crappy place, and when we
(34:42):
learn a little more, we do itfrom a more healthy and better place.
But that rescuer thing gets inthere and thinking, somehow someone's
going to change, or I canchange them.
These things that don't tickthose boxes, that's a.
Not only a red flag, butnearly impossible.
You can't rescue somebody thatdoesn't want to be rescued.
And there's a kicker here.
(35:03):
When people try and rescueother people, they feel because they've
rescued them, they will neverleave them.
Oh, wow.
It's, it's a, it's, you know,it's self indulgent because if, if
I rescue my partner, I think,oh, if I rescue her, she's never
going to leave me.
I've got a.
I've got a partner for life.
(35:24):
And it's so not true.
Yeah, that can be reallyunhealthy too, because you develop
a sense of dependency and thatcan turn into codependency really
easy and some other, someother messy stuff that stifles freedom
and creativity.
And now that I'm rescued, Ifinally figured out who the heck
(35:45):
I am.
And thank you very much.
And this is what I want to doover here.
You know, I don't even know goodbye.
If I just say I want to dothis over here, and then you're going,
wait a minute.
That doesn't tick any of my boxes.
Right?
Yeah, it's so frustrating.
Well, so you are very, very experienced.
You didn't fall up this mountain.
(36:07):
How did you get here?
How did.
Tell me something about howyou got to be the place where intuitively
you know these questions, youknow this process, and you are the
love doctor.
Tell me a little bit about howthat happened.
I used to be an optometrist.
I'd had patients coming intomy office, and at the end of the
exam, they.
For some reason, they wouldtell me their problems.
(36:28):
And I'd say, why don't you try this?
And they tried it, and theysaid, that's amazing.
It worked.
And I looked at them, I said,of course it's amazing.
Of course it worked.
It's common sense.
But Kel.
And I didn't realize commonsense wasn't that common.
And then.
Then the big epiphany came.
In 2008, I was suicidal.
I wouldn't eat with a knife.
(36:49):
I.
I wouldn't walk up a flight of stairs.
I keep away from main roads,high rise buildings.
And I had to come to tell my wife.
I said, honey, somethingreally bad has happened.
She said, what is it that.
Honey, we.
You know, I've been gamblingon the stock market, real estate.
I've lost, you know, all ourfunds, the school funds, the car,
the house was.
It's all going to go.
(37:10):
And Kellen, she looked up atme and she smiled.
And I thought, she's delusional.
What's wrong with her?
Said, honey, I knew somethingwas wrong.
I thought it was something serious.
What do you mean?
This is serious.
There's nothing more seriousthan this.
I said.
She said, no.
Honey, I thought you were dying.
I thought you had cancer.
What?
(37:31):
Honey, I don't care about the money.
What?
I thought that's what you wanted.
Honey, I've never.
When have I ever asked you for money?
Kellen, that changed my entire life.
And then she said, we don'tcare about that as long as we're
with you.
(37:55):
Yeah, that.
Keep going.
Yeah.
And I thought, oh, life wouldbe better without me, but it was
a stupid thing.
But, you know, if you have apartner, ask your partner, what is
it you want?
And you'll be surprised whatthey'll tell you.
(38:17):
Well, that's powerful adviceand thank you for sharing that.
And I don't know your wife.
I don't believe I've had theopportunity to meet her when we met,
but I thank her, and whenwe're done, you need to tell your
wife for me that I love her.
I will.
Will you do that?
(38:37):
Absolutely.
Because I love her.
What a woman.
Okay, so what didn't I ask you?
What didn't I ask you to talk about?
And there's a whole lot moreto that story.
I mean, that was a pivotalevent, but there's lots what led
up to it and what happened afterwards.
But we're not going to taketime for that right now.
(38:58):
I want you to just tell me what?
Didn't I ask you that you wantto tell us?
Okay.
If you'd have asked me what'sone thing that people could do that
would change their destiny,I'd have said be so amazing that
you cannot be ignored.
And if you're ignored, itdoesn't matter because you're showing
up the best version of yourself.
(39:20):
The most people are leadingmediocre lives, they die at 25 and
get buried at 75.
Just do.
Just be the best version of you.
And I promise you your lifewill change and the people's lives
around you will change.
I call that we live in a seaof learned helplessness, addiction
to mediocrity and victim mindset.
(39:41):
And that's the unholy trinityof attitudes.
That is that.
And we die at 25 and getburied at 75.
Excuse me.
Thank you.
Do you have another thing thatyou want to say that I love that
one.
You have another one?
Yeah.
Just.
Just perform acts of kindness.
When you perform an act ofkindness, you receive endorphins.
(40:04):
You feel good.
The person receiving the actof kindness feels into all things.
They feel good.
The person observing the theact of kindness feels good.
The person sharing the act ofkindness feels good.
The person sharing, receivingthe sharing of the act of kindness
feels good.
It goes on and on and on.
Just get out of your own lifeis not about you.
You're not that important.
(40:25):
But your impact is.
Don't make a difference.
I love that and thank you.
So if people want to knowmore, if they want to find you, they
want to follow you, if theywant to hear some videos of you teaching
or performing miracles,because I can tell you, I can tell
my audience, I know that ifyou do the things that he's described
(40:45):
or follow and learn more, hecreates miracles, things that people
can't understand in their own lives.
I know that.
And I know it because of whatI know about him and who he is.
And I know it because of thetruth that he's taught us today.
So where can people find you?
And my website is meetanil.comI'm known as the Love Doctor.
(41:06):
And there's a lot of freecontent that you can use and, you
know, just use it in yourpersonal life and your life will
change.
Share it with other people.
Because we all have a duty tobe the best versions of ourselves.
Meet anil.com Meet anil.
Spelled a nil.
And if you're watching thevideo, it's on the board behind him.
If you're listening to theaudio meet anil a nil.com meet anil.com
(41:31):
I would absolutely recommendthat you go there.
Anil, thank you for sharingyour heart, for loving us enough
to help us love ourselves andto be truthful and to live in integrity
and to be healthy and to be.
Excuse me, the third one inthe middle was.
(41:53):
Loving.
Loving, of course, the maintopic, integrity, loving and healthy.
And take care of yourselfbecause if you're not that, then
there's big opportunity forhappiness as you handle those things
and grow.
Thanks for being here with us today.
(42:15):
You.
Anil, I'm thanking you.
Oh, sorry.
Sorry.
I thought you were closing up.
No, no, thank you.
Thank you for inviting me.
You are delightfully welcome.
And I don't edit anything, sothat'll be on there too.
That's fine.
Okay, perfect.
Now I'm talking to thelisteners and I want you to listen
to this a couple times.
This man comes from the heart.
He's teaching truth from hisown experience, the profound thing
(42:38):
he shared.
And there are more storiesthan that, but the profundity of
learning to love yourself andtell the truth to yourself about
your greatness and youropportunity and get healthy, get
the help you need to get healthy.
If you're not in all thoseareas that he said, that will allow
you, truthfully, from thismoment onward, to move toward your
(43:01):
ultimate life right here,right now.
Your opportunity for massivegrowth is right in front of you.
Every episode gives youpractical tips and practices that
(43:22):
will change everything.
If you want to know more, goto kellenflukermedia.com if you want
more free tools, go hereYourUltimateLife CA Subscribe Share.
(43:50):
Be.
Welcome to the show.
Tired of the hype about livinga dream?
It's time for truth.
This is the place for tools,power, and real talk so you can create
the life you dream and deserveyour ultimate life.
Subscribe, share, create.
(00:24):
You have infinite power.
Hello, and welcome to yourultimate life, the podcast that I
invented just to help youcreate a life of purpose, prosperity
and joy with what you have,your skills, your gifts, and your
life experience.
I'm excited today to have aspecial guest, Anil Gupta, who's
(00:47):
coming to us from the Far eastor Near East.
No, Far East.
And with us today.
Anil, welcome to the show.
Hey, Kevin, thank you forinviting me.
Excited to be here.
I am so stoked.
I enjoyed our pre convo aboutwhat you do, and I remembered then
our conversation from before,which was a few months ago.
(01:08):
So I'm going to start withjust an interesting question because
I know the answer, or at leastI know some of the answer.
But I don't want you to bebashful or modest at all.
I just want you to tell me,tell me how Anil adds good to the
world.
(01:28):
You know, Ken and I have aunique ability to remove obstacles
that are preventing peoplefrom receiving and giving love to
the people that they reallywant to in a very, very short time
period.
And it's a beautiful process.
And people need it.
They really need it becausepeople are suffering unnecessarily.
(01:48):
They don't have the tools, thecommunication skills or the methodology
or system to allow them to beable to do that.
They were never given amanual, and I'm the guy that gives
them the.
Manual, the love manual.
You give me a system andcommunication tools, and those are
(02:10):
processes, I'm sure, withouteven asking, but I'm asking that
there's more thancommunication and so forth.
It's the want to.
You said you help people giveand receive love from people they
want to.
So there's a.
There's a spiritual and heartpiece to this.
Is that true?
(02:30):
Tell me a little about that.
It is.
You know, because people aredisconnected from their relatives,
from their spouses, from theirchildren, from themselves even.
And they've never being ableto, or no one's being able to guide
them onto a journey that willallow them to have even more love.
(02:54):
Their capacity to love and beloved increases.
And guess what?
Because they can do that,their vibrational energy changes.
They'll make more money,they'll make a bigger impact.
They'll be happier, they'll bemore fulfilled.
And I think it's a fundamentalkey in living a richer, fuller, happy
life.
So you're telling me, and Ihappen to believe you, but I'm going
(03:17):
to restate it.
If I learn the emotional,spiritual and communication skills
and secrets, as it were, togive and receive love, I live better,
I have more fun, I make moremoney, I make a bigger impact, and
I unlock a joyous mode or paththrough life that I didn't have before.
(03:46):
You know, you've said it sobeautifully, and, you know, life
becomes a lot easier to handle.
We, we don't get reactive.
We, we don't get, you know, wedon't let obstacles destroy our lives
because we, we're ready for it.
We have the tools.
It's like when you're driving,you're not thinking, oh, someone's
going to jump in front of me.
Oh, that's going to happen.
That's going to happen.
You've done it before, so youknow that whatever happens, you'll
(04:09):
handle it.
So it's the same with life.
We, we weren't given thosedriving skills, those life skills
to allow us to handle whateverlife throws at us.
You're right.
But, but I think about an infant.
You know, you're born kind ofwithout baggage and without garbage.
You're born kind of pure and innocent.
(04:31):
And in various, certainlyChristian, but in other religious
traditions, they talk aboutbecoming as a little child.
And it doesn't mean naive, butit doesn't mean open, curious, loving
and all the rest.
What is it about our worldthat contaminates us so badly that
we then have to relearn ourability to just do the most basic
(04:53):
food of the spirit, which is love?
You know, that's a great question.
And I have my theory.
Well, I want it.
I have a, I have a grandson,and he probably gets 500 kisses a
day.
You know, he's one year old,one year, two months now.
He's going to continue to getthose kisses, but one day he's going
(05:16):
to go to school, and thenhe'll go to school, and then all
of a sudden those kisses arereduced to maybe 100 a day.
And then one day he will dosomething that annoys the parents
and they will scold him.
And he thinks, oh, my parentsdon't love me.
I have to do something toplease them.
And that's where things startto change.
(05:38):
Because the parents expect thechild to behave.
They expect the child to docertain things.
And when they, when theexpectations start, that's when the
problems start.
Because the child doesn't feelthey're good enough.
They don't belong.
There's something wrong with them.
They have to do something tomake them feel loved, and it shouldn't
(05:58):
be that way.
Does it make us.
Are you saying that it makesus sort of feel like we have to earn
love?
We have to be or say or do orbehave a certain way before we can
have love?
You know, it becomes that way.
And it could be acting out, orif you suddenly act out and you get
(06:19):
attention, you think, oh, thisis great.
It could be by, you know,performing tasks.
It could be by excelling atschool, at sports, or doing something.
And all of a sudden, oh, that I.
I better keep on doing that.
So there's.
There's a lot of fear around that.
But if you were constantlygiving your child love and they felt
love, that he wouldn't have todo anything in order to receive love.
(06:41):
And then they don't have toworry about being loved, being good
enough, not.
Not belonging.
And everyone enjoys life.
You know, I remember when myson was young, I would.
And in being in the Indiancommunity, we're very highly strung
around education.
And he.
He wasn't doing so well.
So I got him a tutor, and itstill wasn't doing well.
(07:04):
And I thought, why am I doing this?
Because I was so concernedwhat other people were thinking around
my community.
And I thought, I'm not doingit for him.
I'm doing it for me becauseI'm so concerned what other people
are thinking.
So I said to him, son, we'regoing to stop the tutoring.
And he said, dad, why is it.
And he.
Do you enjoy?
Said, no, Dad, I really don'tlike it.
I said, okay, well, stop it.
And then guess what, Helen?
(07:26):
He.
He.
He flourished.
We just have to be patientwith our kids.
You know, when they're born,we say to ourselves, I'll do anything
for you.
I'll protect you.
I'll keep you safe.
And the child doesn't do anything.
It just lies there.
But it's surrounded by so muchlove, and it gives so much love,
but it gets transactionallater on.
(07:47):
And, Kelly, you know, the mostpainful thing is when you pick up
your child from school, theydon't even want to see you.
They don't want to hold your hand.
They don't want to be in your vicinity.
That is so painful.
It happens all the time.
You know, I know there's apart of growing up where every kid
needs to figure out their ownidentity and test boundaries and
(08:08):
all that sort of stuff, andthat's natural.
But what you're saying is inour effort to educate or prepare
a child for meeting the world,as it were, instead of having a safe
place where they'reunconditionally accepted and there
(08:30):
have to be boundaries on behavior.
I get that.
But somehow we.
Either because that happenedto us or because we can't think of
a better way or something,something we.
We use a tool that feels a lotlike, or actually is withholding
love, so that it becomestransactional, conditional.
(08:52):
And then you enter into thiswhole thing of feeling like you have
to earn your place in the world.
Is that what you're telling me?
And yeah.
And, you know, we've beenhypnotized into that.
We've never been educated.
And I.
And I tell parents thegreatest gift you can give your kids
is this.
Give them the ability tohandle life by throwing adversity
(09:15):
at them that they canreasonably handle.
But parents don't do that.
They're very protective,especially when in our age group,
we're very successful.
So when our kids were born, wedidn't want them to go through the
adversity we went through.
So we tend to make life easyfor them.
But that's the worst thing youcan do.
It's the worst thing you can do.
(09:37):
So how do you get somebody toa parent and a parent with a kid
that's, I don't know, between1 and 10 or 15 or something, and
I realize the strategies aredifferent with different ages, but
how do you get them to bothunderstand the principle of allowing
adversity and, you know,letting the kids struggle with.
(10:02):
With things to learn inpreparation for life, not, not creating
negative things, but allowinglife to just sort of do what it does
and you be there to love andsupport, but allow them to do what
it is.
How do you get them tounderstand that when, you know, the
tendency is to be, you know,helicopter parents kind of thing.
Yeah.
(10:22):
And you can curate and create it.
So, for example, if, say, yourchild is three years old, you take
him 200 yards from home andyou ask him to guide you home.
Then 400 yards from home,guide you home.
500 yards from home, guide you home.
You know, a thousand yardsfrom home, guide you home.
(10:42):
And if they get.
If they make a mistake, youcoach them and guide them.
Say, hey, do you remember welive near that church?
If any time you get lost, justremember where that church is.
Or if you need to ask someone,say, hi, I live by a big church.
So you have to throw adversityat them and they can reasonably handle
if they fall down, don't Rushto pick them up.
(11:03):
And Kellen, if you look at thelanguaging that parents use, they
say, oh, don't do that.
It's too dangerous.
You'll fall down, you'll hurt yourself.
And you can repeating it allthe time.
I've heard people say that sixor seven times in two minutes.
And what do you think thechild is thinking?
Oh, it's too dangerous, Ibetter be careful, I'm going to hurt
myself.
(11:23):
It's the wrong signals to send them.
Let them hurt themselves.
You know, I, I actually agreewith you 100%.
When I was growing up, I mean,we took off from home and we were
down by a large creek whichran by the house, which was flood
control creek, but we didn'tknow there was always a little bit
of water in the bottom of itrunning, unless it rained a lot,
(11:46):
in which case it was a lot ofwater in it running.
And we went down there andhunted frogs and got in the mud and,
you know, did whatever andclimbed fences and trees and, you
know, got dented and scratchedand stuff like that.
And that is almost not onlytaboo, but looked down on in terms
(12:07):
of a little bit of what you'retalking about.
Yeah, absolutely.
And, you know, we used to experiment.
You know, we'd go down to the,to the river.
We catch fish in a glass bottle.
We'd make our own fishing rodsout of bamboo sticks.
But kids, you know, they don'tdo that sort of stuff.
They don't get out there, theydon't get dirty, they don't get hurt.
(12:29):
We kept in safe confines andkids need to do that.
They need to stick, thinkoutside of the box, you know, let
their minds expand.
So I love that.
And you're right, I want toget back to the love piece, which
is the central theme of yourcontribution to the world.
And I, I, I love it becauseI'm sitting here imagining if one
(12:53):
person, like, if you help megive and receive love more freely,
eliminate barriers to that,eliminate stories and those kinds
of things, the world, theworld will be a better place because
then I'll affect some peoplearound me, and so will they.
And if you help ten or athousand or a million people connect
(13:16):
with the truth of love, theirability to receive it, to language
it, to demonstrate it, youknow, you're going to have a huge
or are having a huge impact inthe world in terms of reducing suffering,
making people happier, and awhole list of things that I could
go on and on about.
So tell me what you do now tohelp that happen or if the.
(13:41):
That.
That I didn't.
That I described isn't right,fix it.
But tell me how you do that.
It's really.
And you know, as a coach, thenumber one thing is to listen.
But one of the top things thatyou can do is to forgive.
You forgive yourself and toforgive others.
People tend to hold on and itstarts to eat them up, and, you know,
(14:05):
they fall ill.
So I, I call forgiveness theexpress pathway to freedom.
The quality of your life isdependent on the depth and authenticity
of the forgiveness you extendto yourself and to others.
Then, you know, we, we talkabout languaging, letting go of the
past.
It's not what you say, it'show you say it.
And, and, you know, can a lotof people have problems with their
(14:27):
parents?
They, they're not grateful.
They.
They're complaining abouttheir parents.
And I explain them, and I'llexplain this very simply.
I said, look, there's twoparts to your parents.
There's a part that gave youlife, the beautiful gift of life
that they gave you.
The other part to them istheir behavior.
You don't have to love theirbehavior, but you can love them as,
(14:50):
as, you know, your seed.
And they, they.
They don't understand that atfirst, but when you explain it and
we, we go a little bit deeper.
Oh, yeah, you know, my dad wasan alcoholic.
Great.
You know, don't like thealcoholic side of it, but he gave
you life.
You wouldn't be here.
You've got a beautiful wifeand you've got three kids.
(15:10):
None of those people would bein your life without your dad.
And you're going to havegrandchildren, great grandchildren.
They wouldn't be here withoutyour dad.
And they, Ellen, they tear upand they realize, oh, my God.
And you know what?
If your kids turned around andsaid that to you, how would you feel?
And then say, well, I'm tryingto do my best.
(15:31):
You know, it's.
It stems from awareness.
People don't have the awareness.
So, you know, the depth andpower of what you do and work on.
We could have a whole day seminar.
And so our, our challenge andfun is going to be pulling out some
really important things.
You just talked a little bitabout forgiveness, and I couldn't
(15:55):
agree with you any more than I do.
I wrote a book calledForgiveness A Journey of Courage
to a Place of Freedom and Power.
And I wrote it exactly for thereason that you described.
Exactly.
Because it is that and becauseI needed.
I mean, I've written a bunchof books, but every one of them's
been Because I needed to dothis thing.
(16:16):
And when I got done, I thoughtthat might help somebody, so I wrote
about it.
Right.
And, and I love that youdescribed it.
Why is it so hard for us toforgive ourselves?
Which at least for me, was wayharder than forgiving other people.
Why is that so hard?
You know, as human beings, wefeel we're not good enough, we're
(16:39):
not smart enough, there'ssomething wrong with us.
I'm not lovable, I'm not worthy.
And as human beings, we loveto be right.
And, and especially if you'resuccessful, you love to be right
about being right.
So what you'll do, you'll find evidence.
Oh, I'm not good enough.
Oh, I did that.
Oh, that was so stupid.
Oh, that was so stupid.
And then you create stories tofulfill that thought process.
(17:02):
And forgiveness is nothing todo with anybody else.
It's you just letting go.
People don't realize the mostexpensive real estate in the world
is in between their ears.
Yet they, they.
They rent out space to peoplethat they think have hurt them.
And those people don't even care.
So it's ludicrous, but theyjust don't know how to.
And they don't know thebenefit of them.
(17:24):
And there's a benefit of thebenefit of the benefit of the benefit,
and it's freedom.
So I'm going to dive in andI'm going to ask, I'm going to say
something.
I'm going to ask you the question.
So how does you know?
If you could teach me and thelisteners how to forgive ourselves,
or at least a beginning set ofsteps to take to think about.
(17:45):
Because you're right.
We rent space in our heads forothers, and we carry space in our
head for our own recrimination.
I define forgiveness as.
And I love that you said it'sjust you.
It doesn't have anything to dowith anybody else.
I say it this way.
Forgiveness is choosing to nolonger allow events from the past
(18:06):
to have power in the present.
And that's how I describe that.
But I want you to teach us how.
Do you start with someone whois carrying shame and guilt toward
themselves?
Now I realize it could besomeone else or parents or uncle
or somebody that did whateverthey did.
But let's just start with self.
So if someone has made a lotof mistakes and done things that
(18:28):
in retrospect they look backand say, I had.
Wish I hadn't done that.
And if I hadn't done that,then, if only, then this and this.
And they make up stories aboutwhat would have happened, which they
don't know.
But how do you.
How do you help me start on that?
So I ask you a simple question.
What are your positive traits?
And they'll say, well, I'm kind.
Okay, great.
(18:49):
What else do you know?
I'm kind.
I'm generous.
I'm playful and fun.
I really care.
I'm loyal, I'm reliable.
I'm trustworthy.
I'm honest.
I'm strong.
I'm powerful.
I thoughtful.
I'm smart.
I care about people.
I want to help people.
(19:11):
I hardworking, I'm religious.
I'm unstoppable, successful,playful, exciting.
A great human being.
So that's a great.
So then I say, look, imagineyou go into a dark room late at night.
(19:34):
What's the first thing you do?
So, well, I put on the light, right?
But I said, look, most peoplein life, they try and remove the
darkness from their lives.
They focus on the negativesand they try and remove those.
And it's ludicrous to go intoa dark room and remove the darkness.
You have to be the light.
So then I tell people torepeat those cantations.
(19:56):
I'm strong.
I'm kind.
I'm generous.
I'm.
I'm playful.
I'm fun.
I'm Strong.
I'm a TEDx speaker.
Fox News, Sky TV, ABC, NBC.
When I speak, people listen.
I care.
I'm generous.
I'm fun.
I'm funny.
People love me.
I love people.
I'm an amazing human being.
I have loyal.
I'm loyal.
I'm reliable.
(20:16):
I'm trustworthy.
You know what?
I'm a really good person.
Holy people don't do that.
They just focus on thenegative, but keep on doing those
incantations.
And then they realize, thetruth is, I am kind.
The truth is I'm strong.
The truth is I make a difference.
The truth is, when I speak,people listen.
The truth is, I am a genuine person.
(20:37):
The truth is, I care.
The truth is, then theyrealize the truth, and then they
create a neural pathway whichwill destroy the old neural pathway.
I love that.
And I love your description asturning on the light instead of.
You shouldn't feel bad aboutthat anymore.
You were doing the best you could.
It was just a mistake.
(20:59):
That's like trying to removethe darkness and by saying things
which are true.
I am that.
And sometimes people, at leastin my experience, object to that
saying, well, I'm not goodenough at that.
I can't really say I'm kind,because I am.
I try, but I'm not, you know,and they sort of parse that because
they feel like they're notdone improving, proving their kindness
(21:20):
or punctuality or whatever it is.
And.
But doing what you just saidis so.
And it's.
I think it's important to helppeople understand it's not bs.
You're not trying to make upstuff to create the imposter syndrome.
You're talking about thingsthat are true for yourself.
(21:41):
And so you can say them with power.
And the more you do that, themore power they have and the truer
they become, because then youmore thoroughly identify with and,
you know, your neural pathwaysget created, and then when you have
choice, next hour or tomorrow,those things affect what you then
(22:01):
choose to do next time.
Yeah.
And that, you know, that's.
We start there, then we go deeper.
And, you know, if there couldbe some childhood trauma.
And I said, people don't usethat word, trauma.
Every time you use it, youbring it up.
Just say, I had a childhood occurrence.
There's less emotion around anoccurrence or an observation, even.
(22:23):
Observation is even betterthan that.
So the languaging, you know,we have to teach them the languaging.
And then, you know, they beatthemselves up.
Oh, why am I so stupid?
And we teach them to askbetter quality questions.
What in this moment could I doto enhance this person's life?
And then once you remove thefocus from themselves and focus on
other people, all the pain andsuffering disappears.
(22:45):
There's two things you saidthat I think are so important.
You said, focus on language.
And sometimes I'll ask people,well, do you love yourself?
And they'll say, yeah.
And then I ask a different question.
I say, so if I was a fly onthe wall and I was able to watch
you all day long and hear allof your internal dialogue, everything
you say would I exclaim inGlee, that is a person that loves
(23:09):
themself.
And then it's like, yeah, no,okay, then what would I see?
What do I need to see?
That says, you love yourself,and I love your reframing of trauma.
Because every time we.
I mean, Shakespeare, I thinkif somebody said, nothing is good
or bad till we make it so.
So if we keep labeling anincident evil, bad, wrong, trauma,
(23:32):
painful, then we rekindle thepower of that thing, I think is what
you're telling me.
Is that right?
Absolutely.
You know, when people say, I.
I have ptsd, I have adhd, Ihave this.
I said, don't use those words.
Yeah.
It just intensifies that feeling.
Trauma, ptsd, you know, abuse,don't use those words.
(23:58):
So when that's.
I love those, and those arevery helpful.
And I would encourageeverybody to think about.
Listen to this a couple times,this part, and, and check your language
and your, your energy and your intention.
And how are you talking to yourself?
How are you treating yourself?
Because the repetition of, ofnegative things creates that shame
and guilt that doesn't doanybody any good.
(24:18):
It doesn't fix whatever it isyou thought you did or didn't do.
And it doesn't let you be alight now.
All it does is, you know,build more darkness.
So that's about forgiveness,which I love.
And in the beginning, beforewe start talking, you said you help
people find love, find matesas well.
You talked about families and individuals.
(24:38):
But you also said findinghealthy and good relationships.
Talk about that.
Because there's certainly alot of loneliness and a lot of feeling
in the world that people can't find.
All the, you know, all thegood women or all the good men are
gone.
That sort of phrase.
Tell me a little bit about howthat goes.
How do you help people changetheir, change that for themselves?
(24:59):
Well, the first thing I tellthem is stop dating.
Because dating is stupid.
People meet someone, they,they go on a date, and then, you
know, they spend two or threeyears and they find out they're not
the right person.
They go on the next date,spend 6 months not the right person,
and continues.
So, Helen, if you were to buya car, would you research buying
(25:22):
a car, which car to get?
Of course you would.
Yeah, but people tend to research.
Yeah, people spend more timeresearching a car than they.
They do on finding a partner,finding about, about the partner.
And they, they think, oh, this love.
Oh, I get on well with this person.
They must be the right person.
(25:43):
But they don't have a formula.
So people say yes to arelationship, but until it's a no.
It has to be.
It's a no until it's a yes.
You find out something about them.
And there are three criteria.
Any partner that you choose.
One, must have integrity.
Two, they must be loving.
Not transactionally, butloving to you and to other people.
(26:04):
And three, they have to be healthy.
Emotionally, physically,spiritually, mentally, and financially.
Most people pick.
People pick partners who areemotionally not healthy.
That's 80% of the issue.
But they don't do their duediligence before getting into that
relationship.
You know, they rely on emotionto make that decision.
(26:26):
But you can't do that.
Instead of having a 90% failrate, how would, would it be if you
had a 90% success rate.
If you could go to the casino,have a 90% success rate, you're going
to go to the casino.
They're all.
Casinos would be out ofbusiness, right?
Absolutely.
Which would be a bad thing.
So what are those three things again?
The three things are what questions?
(26:47):
Integrity, which means, youknow, being your word, being on time,
not gossiping, notcomplaining, not bitching.
You know, just being a good person.
Loving, not just to you, butto everyone.
Loving towards your parents,your exes, the people that you meet.
And the third one is healthy.
Emotional, physical,spiritual, mental and financial.
(27:11):
Emotional.
You know, why do you supposepeople are attracted?
I mean, you can tell ifsomebody's physically healthy, maybe
not so much mentally.
Why do you suppose people areattracted so much to emotionally
broken people?
Because I think that's true,that they are, and they ignore it
and they pretend it'll be okayand a bunch of other reasons that
(27:32):
they ignore that.
So why do you suppose thatattraction is so strong?
It's one word.
They are rescuers.
They want to rescue someone.
And it's the worst thing youcan do because they'll.
Those people will suck theenergy out of you.
They'll destroy everythingthat you stand for, and they'll take
(27:54):
the.
The joy out of life.
You don't need to rescue anyone.
There's.
There's a particular personthat person will be with.
It's not you.
You know, it's such adebilitating situation.
And people fall in love soeasily, and they want to fall in
love.
They have this romanticthought that I'm in love.
(28:15):
Oh, my God.
And Kellen, love is blind.
You know, there's.
There are people I know thatare falling in love with absolutely
the wrong person.
They don't see it.
The brothers, sisters,children see it, but they don't see
it.
And they just blind.
And this is where theawareness comes in.
(28:36):
Do your due diligence and thenmake an informed decision whether
they're the right person to bewith or not.
How do you stay detachedenough or objective enough to do
some due diligence on that?
Because that's easy for you to say.
But I suspect one of thethings that people either think or
experience is it's hard to dosome due diligence when you kind
(28:57):
of like somebody and it's sortof developing.
So what do you think about.
How do you tell people do alittle due diligence faster and a
little bit more objectively?
Yeah.
So I call it abcd.
Always be collecting data andwrite it down.
And don't Believe what otherpeople are telling you.
So will you role play for mein a minute?
(29:18):
You bet.
Let's do it.
So imagine I.
I'm on a dating site.
On the dating site, I say, Ilove dogs.
Okay.
You, you know, want to get toknow me, but you don't love dogs.
And I want you to lie to me inthe questions I ask.
Okay?
Okay.
Hey, Kellen.
And do you.
Do you like dogs?
Oh, yeah.
I had a friend that had agreat dog.
Love dogs.
(29:38):
Yeah.
What's your favorite dog?
Well, that one my friend hadwas a.
A lab.
A Golden.
A Golden Lab.
That was a lot of fun.
Okay.
Yeah.
Any photos of any dogs you've owned?
No, I don't.
Well, I've never owned a dog,but I really enjoyed that dog that
(29:59):
my friend had.
Okay, so we've spoken forabout a minute.
Yeah.
If.
If you just said, oh, I lovedogs, I.
And you know, I want to hearthat, oh, my God.
Kenneth loves dogs.
Oh, my God.
But don't believe what peopletell you.
Look for alignment.
Look for confirmation.
It doesn't have to be now.
(30:20):
It could be in a week.
But then write this stuff down.
Kellen loves dogs.
And then a week later, he seesyou with him walking, and all of
a sudden he's like this.
With the dog that.
There's a disparity there.
So that's data.
If you write it down, it takesaway the emotion.
Because what we do, we tend tofocus on the good stuff, and we forget
(30:43):
about the bad stuff.
We just don't want to hear it.
And as soon as you get into alittle bit more closer relationship,
the bad stuff becomes thatpermanently annoying thing that you
can't stand anymore.
And so you're on the road to failure.
Yeah.
And there's a cycle.
So what happens is that thething that attracted you to that
(31:04):
person, say, they're playfuland you're in that relationship.
They're not integrous, they'renot loving, they're not healthy,
but they're playful.
And then when they're playful,it draws you in and you think, wow,
you know, he's so playful.
I love that.
And all the other stuff disappears.
And that's what draws peoplein and keeps them in a relationship.
So they focus.
What you're saying is we.
(31:26):
We, to our own detriment,focus on a single one or two things
that are very attractive andignore the long list of, or even
medium list of things that areessentially like, if I was going
to buy a house, I'd have alist of Non negotiables.
Based on how many people I'vegot, you know, it's got to have this
many rooms, bedroom got to beno further than this.
(31:47):
That non negotiables.
And I don't care how cool thehouse was, if it was didn't meet
one of those, that was reallynon negotiable, I just wouldn't buy
it because.
And so you're saying at leasthave some set of things that are
really important to you andthen always be collecting data to
see if there's compatibilityin those areas.
Yeah, absolutely.
And say, you know, you find ahouse you want to buy and you need
(32:08):
to sell your house, you cleanit up.
You wouldn't just sell it.
And that's what I tell people.
Look before you, before I helpyou find a partner, we have to work
on you first because we wantto make you more attractive, change
your vibrational energy, letgo of the past so that when you do
show up, it's just going to bea lot easier because if we don't
(32:29):
get rid of that baggage,that's a problem with dating sites
and matchmaking.
You can bring two peopletogether, but if they've got the
baggage already there, youhave to remove the baggage first.
So I love that.
Let me ask you, is that yourfirst area of focus is to find out
what, where a person like me,if I came to you to find a date,
(32:50):
a maid or something or someonehave a relationship with, and you
discover that I'm not a personof integrity because of my behavior
or whatever, or I'm not aloving person because of how I talk
to people, or there is clearlyone or more areas where my health
is questionable, you know,mental or emotional health.
That's where you start workingget me so that I become an attractive
(33:14):
person because I haveintegrity, lovingness and health
in those areas.
I start with doing a deepaudit of all their past relationships.
And I showed them, look,there's a pattern here.
There's a pattern.
This is why you're choosingthem and this is why it doesn't work.
And you know, because, youknow, often I ask people to do a
(33:38):
back test on integrity, lovingand healthy, and they all say, yeah,
they had integrity, they'reloving the healthy.
Then I said, hey, were theyalways on time?
Did they always do what theysaid they were going to do?
Did they complain about other people?
Were they miserable?
Oh, yeah, they were then said,well, you know, that's out of integrity.
It's not loving.
And then, you know, did, didthey, did they lie about their health.
(34:00):
Were they on medications anddidn't tell you?
And did they.
Were they in constant contactwith past relationships?
Were they not able to let goof the past relationships?
Yeah, but then they think theycould fix it.
But I say, look, that's nothealthy, it's not integral, it's
not loving.
And then all of a sudden theysay, yeah, you know what?
I, I just jumped to those conclusions.
(34:22):
But they've never been trained.
I love the fact that you saidthere were rescuers.
And we all have this feeling,either a little or a lot, that we
like helping people.
You know, we're drawn to help.
We're built literally,physically, spiritually to love and
serve.
So that's how we're created.
And sometimes we do it from areally crappy place, and when we
(34:42):
learn a little more, we do itfrom a more healthy and better place.
But that rescuer thing gets inthere and thinking, somehow someone's
going to change, or I canchange them.
These things that don't tickthose boxes, that's a.
Not only a red flag, butnearly impossible.
You can't rescue somebody thatdoesn't want to be rescued.
And there's a kicker here.
(35:03):
When people try and rescueother people, they feel because they've
rescued them, they will neverleave them.
Oh, wow.
It's, it's a, it's, you know,it's self indulgent because if, if
I rescue my partner, I think,oh, if I rescue her, she's never
going to leave me.
I've got a.
I've got a partner for life.
(35:24):
And it's so not true.
Yeah, that can be reallyunhealthy too, because you develop
a sense of dependency and thatcan turn into codependency really
easy and some other, someother messy stuff that stifles freedom
and creativity.
And now that I'm rescued, Ifinally figured out who the heck
(35:45):
I am.
And thank you very much.
And this is what I want to doover here.
You know, I don't even know goodbye.
If I just say I want to dothis over here, and then you're going,
wait a minute.
That doesn't tick any of my boxes.
Right?
Yeah, it's so frustrating.
Well, so you are very, very experienced.
You didn't fall up this mountain.
(36:07):
How did you get here?
How did.
Tell me something about howyou got to be the place where intuitively
you know these questions, youknow this process, and you are the
love doctor.
Tell me a little bit about howthat happened.
I used to be an optometrist.
I'd had patients coming intomy office, and at the end of the
exam, they.
For some reason, they wouldtell me their problems.
(36:28):
And I'd say, why don't you try this?
And they tried it, and theysaid, that's amazing.
It worked.
And I looked at them, I said,of course it's amazing.
Of course it worked.
It's common sense.
But Kel.
And I didn't realize commonsense wasn't that common.
And then.
Then the big epiphany came.
In 2008, I was suicidal.
I wouldn't eat with a knife.
(36:49):
I.
I wouldn't walk up a flight of stairs.
I keep away from main roads,high rise buildings.
And I had to come to tell my wife.
I said, honey, somethingreally bad has happened.
She said, what is it that.
Honey, we.
You know, I've been gamblingon the stock market, real estate.
I've lost, you know, all ourfunds, the school funds, the car,
the house was.
It's all going to go.
(37:10):
And Kellen, she looked up atme and she smiled.
And I thought, she's delusional.
What's wrong with her?
Said, honey, I knew somethingwas wrong.
I thought it was something serious.
What do you mean?
This is serious.
There's nothing more seriousthan this.
I said.
She said, no.
Honey, I thought you were dying.
I thought you had cancer.
What?
(37:31):
Honey, I don't care about the money.
What?
I thought that's what you wanted.
Honey, I've never.
When have I ever asked you for money?
Kellen, that changed my entire life.
And then she said, we don'tcare about that as long as we're
with you.
(37:55):
Yeah, that.
Keep going.
Yeah.
And I thought, oh, life wouldbe better without me, but it was
a stupid thing.
But, you know, if you have apartner, ask your partner, what is
it you want?
And you'll be surprised whatthey'll tell you.
(38:17):
Well, that's powerful adviceand thank you for sharing that.
And I don't know your wife.
I don't believe I've had theopportunity to meet her when we met,
but I thank her, and whenwe're done, you need to tell your
wife for me that I love her.
I will.
Will you do that?
(38:37):
Absolutely.
Because I love her.
What a woman.
Okay, so what didn't I ask you?
What didn't I ask you to talk about?
And there's a whole lot moreto that story.
I mean, that was a pivotalevent, but there's lots what led
up to it and what happened afterwards.
But we're not going to taketime for that right now.
(38:58):
I want you to just tell me what?
Didn't I ask you that you wantto tell us?
Okay.
If you'd have asked me what'sone thing that people could do that
would change their destiny,I'd have said be so amazing that
you cannot be ignored.
And if you're ignored, itdoesn't matter because you're showing
up the best version of yourself.
(39:20):
The most people are leadingmediocre lives, they die at 25 and
get buried at 75.
Just do.
Just be the best version of you.
And I promise you your lifewill change and the people's lives
around you will change.
I call that we live in a seaof learned helplessness, addiction
to mediocrity and victim mindset.
(39:41):
And that's the unholy trinityof attitudes.
That is that.
And we die at 25 and getburied at 75.
Excuse me.
Thank you.
Do you have another thing thatyou want to say that I love that
one.
You have another one?
Yeah.
Just.
Just perform acts of kindness.
When you perform an act ofkindness, you receive endorphins.
(40:04):
You feel good.
The person receiving the actof kindness feels into all things.
They feel good.
The person observing the theact of kindness feels good.
The person sharing the act ofkindness feels good.
The person sharing, receivingthe sharing of the act of kindness
feels good.
It goes on and on and on.
Just get out of your own lifeis not about you.
You're not that important.
(40:25):
But your impact is.
Don't make a difference.
I love that and thank you.
So if people want to knowmore, if they want to find you, they
want to follow you, if theywant to hear some videos of you teaching
or performing miracles,because I can tell you, I can tell
my audience, I know that ifyou do the things that he's described
(40:45):
or follow and learn more, hecreates miracles, things that people
can't understand in their own lives.
I know that.
And I know it because of whatI know about him and who he is.
And I know it because of thetruth that he's taught us today.
So where can people find you?
And my website is meetanil.comI'm known as the Love Doctor.
(41:06):
And there's a lot of freecontent that you can use and, you
know, just use it in yourpersonal life and your life will
change.
Share it with other people.
Because we all have a duty tobe the best versions of ourselves.
Meet anil.com Meet anil.
Spelled a nil.
And if you're watching thevideo, it's on the board behind him.
If you're listening to theaudio meet anil a nil.com meet anil.com
(41:31):
I would absolutely recommendthat you go there.
Anil, thank you for sharingyour heart, for loving us enough
to help us love ourselves andto be truthful and to live in integrity
and to be healthy and to be.
Excuse me, the third one inthe middle was.
(41:53):
Loving.
Loving, of course, the maintopic, integrity, loving and healthy.
And take care of yourselfbecause if you're not that, then
there's big opportunity forhappiness as you handle those things
and grow.
Thanks for being here with us today.
(42:15):
You.
Anil, I'm thanking you.
Oh, sorry.
Sorry.
I thought you were closing up.
No, no, thank you.
Thank you for inviting me.
You are delightfully welcome.
And I don't edit anything, sothat'll be on there too.
That's fine.
Okay, perfect.
Now I'm talking to thelisteners and I want you to listen
to this a couple times.
This man comes from the heart.
He's teaching truth from hisown experience, the profound thing
(42:38):
he shared.
And there are more storiesthan that, but the profundity of
learning to love yourself andtell the truth to yourself about
your greatness and youropportunity and get healthy, get
the help you need to get healthy.
If you're not in all thoseareas that he said, that will allow
you, truthfully, from thismoment onward, to move toward your
(43:01):
ultimate life right here,right now.
Your opportunity for massivegrowth is right in front of you.
Every episode gives youpractical tips and practices that
(43:22):
will change everything.
If you want to know more, goto kellenflukermedia.com if you want
more free tools, go hereYourUltimateLife CA Subscribe Share.
(43:50):
Be.
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