From Always Available to Strategically Present: Reclaiming Your Life as a Mother

Send us a text

Have you become your family's 911 service? That Friday night, lying in bed with my phone on full volume, I realized something had to change. Somewhere between dance practices and school emergencies, I'd programmed myself to believe that being a good mom meant being available 24/7 – like a customer service department for my family.

This episode tackles the exhausting myth that constant availability equals good mothering. When we're always on call, we're not just depleting ourselves – we're teaching our families that boundaries don't matter, that interrupting is normal, and that relationships mean constant access. Healthy love respects when someone is unavailable because it understands that people need space to be whole human beings.

The transformation begins by recognizing when you're trapped in always-available patterns. Do you sleep with your phone at full volume? Cancel personal appointments for family "emergencies"? Feel guilty when unreachable? These aren't signs of good mothering but boundary-less living. Through the Your Utmost Life method – Discover, Design, and Do – you'll learn to replace the lie that good moms are always available with the truth that good moms model self-respect.

Strategic unavailability isn't about becoming unreachable; it's about becoming intentionally available. As you establish communication hours, define true emergencies, and change your internal dialogue, something surprising happens: your family doesn't love you less – they respect you more. They learn independence, value your time, and understand you're a whole person, not just their personal assistant.

Ready to break free from the 24/7 mom trap? Download your free copy of "Invisible to Seen: A Seven Day Reset for Moms" at yourutmostself.com/reset and start reclaiming your presence today.

📲Empower a friend who needs to hear this, letting her know she’s not alone in her struggles - Share this episode today.

🔗 Get daily encouragement and behind-the-scenes heart-to-hearts: @yourutmostself

🎧 Never missed a conversation that powerfully reminds you of who you truly are - Subscribe to the podcast now.

✨ Continue your journey of self-discovery and empowerment with free resources, articles, and more - Visit Your Utmost Self to explore.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
So there I was.
It was 1147 pm on a Fridaynight and I was laying in bed
with my phone on full volumeagain.
My 19-year-old was out with herfriends and my 16-year-old son
was upstairs asleep and myhusband was snoring beside me.
But there I was, wide awake,scrolling through my phone,
because what if someone neededme?
What if there was an emergency?
What if my daughter texts and Ididn't respond immediately like

(00:21):
I always do?
This was a woman who used tosleep peacefully, who used to
have boundaries around her time,who used to believe that being
unavailable sometimes wasactually healthy.
But somewhere between dancepractice and school emergencies,
between being the familycoordinator and the designated
problem solver, I programmedmyself to believe that being a
good mom meant being available24-7, like a customer service

(00:44):
department for her family.
Lying there exhausted butunable to turn off my phone.
I realized that I hadn't had anuninterrupted shower in months,
hadn't finished a phone callwith friends in years, and I
couldn't remember the last timeI'd said I'm not available right
now to anyone in my family.
I'd become the family'semotional 911 service, always on

(01:04):
call, always ready to dropeverything, always available,
and I was drowning in my ownaccessibility.
If you have ever felt like yourfamily's personal emergency
hotline, if you've canceledplans because someone might need
you, or if you feel guilty whenyour phone isn't within arm's
reach, you're not alone, andwhat I'm about to share will
completely change how you thinkabout availability and what it

(01:25):
really means to be a good mom,because the belief that good
moms are always available isn'tjust exhausting you.
It's actually teaching yourfamily some really unhealthy
lessons about relationships,boundaries and respect, and by
the end of this episode, you'llunderstand why the most loving
thing you can do is becomestrategically unavailable.
Do you look at the mirror,barely recognizing that woman

(01:46):
staring back at you?
That woman who used to havedreams, passions and a sense of
purpose beyond taking care ofeveryone else?
As moms, we often loseourselves in the endless cycle
of being everything to everyone.
The overwhelming feeling ofdisconnection from who we truly
are, the struggle to findbalance, the deep longing to
feel confident and worthy again.
Hi, I'm Misty Chelly, welcome toyour Utmost Life.

(02:08):
Each week, we have real, honestconversations about
rediscovering yourself, buildingunshakable confidence and
reconnecting with the joy thatlights you up Through practical
strategies and transformativeinsights.
We'll explore what it means tomove from feeling lost to living
fully.
Because here's the truth.
You're not just someone'severything, you are someone, and
it's time to embrace yourutmost self.

(02:28):
Let's get clear on what wereally believe.
When we say good moms are alwaysavailable, what we're really
saying is that love equalsaccessibility.
That being a good mom meansbeing 24-7 service provider,
that your worth as a mother ismeasured by how quickly you
respond to every text, everyrequest, every minor crisis.
Let me ask you something.
If your best friend called youcrying because her husband

(02:50):
expects her to answer his callswithin 60 seconds every single
time, would you tell her thathis request is reasonable and
healthy?
No.
If your daughter's future bossdemanded she be available 24-7,
never take a real break andalways put his needs before her
own well-being, would youcelebrate that job?
No.
And if your son's future wifeexpected him to drop everything
he's doing every time she neededsomething, never finish a

(03:11):
conversation with friends andalways prioritize her
convenience over his own peace,would you call that a loving
relationship?
No.
So why do we do that exact samething with our families?
Why do you measure your worthas a mother by how often you
interrupt your own life?
Here's what I know about healthyrelationships they have
boundaries.
Love doesn't demand consistentaccessibility.

(03:32):
In fact, healthy love respectswhen someone is unavailable,
because it understands thatpeople need space, rest and
uninterrupted time to be a wholehuman being.
Think about the healthiest,most successful people you know.
Do they answer every textwithin minutes?
Do they drop everything everytime someone needs something
non-urgent?
Do they sleep with their phoneson full volume in case someone

(03:53):
might need them?
Or do they have office hours,set boundaries around their
availability, turn their phonesoff sometimes and guess what?
People still love them, respectthem and consider them reliable
.
Every day you operate as yourfamily's 24-7 service center.
You're teaching them thatboundaries don't matter, that
their convenience trumps yourpeace and that love means

(04:14):
someone is always on call.
You're raising children whodon't know how to solve problems
independently and who expectimmediate responses to
non-urgent needs.
So let me ask you do you wantto continue teaching your family
that good relationships meansomeone is always on call and
available, creating dependent,boundary-less adults?
Or are you ready to model whathealthy availability actually

(04:36):
looks like Available when needed, but not at the expense of your
own well-being?
Here's what I believe, witheverything in me.
Constant availability is notlove, it's fear.
Fear that if you're not alwaysaccessible, you're not needed
Fear that if you set boundariesaround your time, you're not a
good mom.
But listen, being constantlyavailable doesn't make you a
better mother.

(04:57):
It makes you a burned outmother.
I believe that healthyrelationships, including the
ones with your children, requireboundaries.
When you're always available,you teach your family that their
immediate wants matter morethan your ongoing need.
You teach them thatinterrupting someone is normal.
You teach them that peopledon't deserve uninterrupted time
.
And here's the thing whenyou're always available to

(05:18):
everyone else, you're neveravailable to yourself.
You can't hear your ownthoughts, pursue your own
interests or have your ownexperiences because you're
constantly managing everyoneelse's.
Your family doesn't need you tobe their 24-7 customer service
representative.
They need you to model whathealthy relationships look like.
They need to see people thatcan love each other deeply and

(05:40):
still have boundaries.
That being unavailablesometimes doesn't mean you care
less.
It means you care enough aboutthe relationship to maintain
your own well-being so you canshow up fully when it matters.
When you're strategicallyunavailable, beautiful things
happen.
Your family learns to solveproblems independently.
They learn to respect otherpeople's time.
They learn that love doesn'tmean immediate access to someone

(06:03):
and they learn that you are awhole person with your own needs
, not just their personalassistant.
This isn't about becomingunavailable to real emergencies
or unimportant moments.
This is about recognizing thedifference between urgent and
convenient, between necessaryand preferred, between being
helpful and not and being used.
Your constant availabilityisn't serving your family.

(06:25):
It's enabling them and it'sexhausting you in the process.
If you're ready to stop beingyour family's 24-7 helpline and
start modeling healthyavailability, here's exactly
what to do.
First, recognize the alwaysavailable patterns.
You'll know you're stuck in thealways available trap when you
sleep with your phone at fullvolume in case someone might
need you.
You've canceled personalappointments four plus times in

(06:47):
the last six months for yourfamily emergencies.
You answer texts within threeminutes 90% of the time.
Even when you're in the middleof something, you feel guilty
when you're unreachable for morethan an hour.
Your family expects immediateresponses to non-urgent
questions like what's for dinnertomorrow.
You can't finish a phone callwith a friend without being
interrupted multiple times.
You've never said I'm notavailable right now to a family

(07:09):
member asking for somethingnon-urgent, or your personal
time gets interrupted so oftenyou've stopped planning it.
Can you see yourself in any ofthese?
This isn't good.
Healthy mothering.
This is boundary-less living.
That's teaching your familyunhealthy relationship patterns.
Second is understanding whathealthy availability actually
looks like.

(07:29):
So healthy availability meansbeing accessible when truly
needed, but unavailable forconvenience.
It means your family knows theycan count on you for real
emergencies and importantmoments, but they also know that
you have boundaries aroundinterruptions.
Think about it like this Eventhe best doctors have office
hours.
Even the most caring teachersaren't available 24-7.

(07:50):
And even the most lovingspouses sometimes say can we
talk about this after my meeting?
Boundaries around availabilityaren't selfish.
They're essential for healthyrelationships.
And third is create strategicunavailability.
This isn't about becomingunreachable, it's about becoming
intentionally available.

(08:11):
So establish communicationhours.
Let your family know you'reavailable for non-urgent
questions and when you're notFor example, I'm available for
texts between seven and nine,but unless it's an emergency, I
won't respond until after nine.
Define emergency versusconvenience.
Have a clear conversation.
What constitutes as anemergency?

(08:31):
Running out of shampoo is notan emergency.
Forgetting homework isn't anemergency.
Not knowing what to wear isn'tan emergency Practice.
The delay when someone asks forsomething non-urgent practice
saying let me get back to you onthat instead of dropping
everything immediately.
Turn off notifications duringyour personal time, family time

(08:53):
or focused time.
The world will not end if youdon't see that text for two
hours.
Stop mid-conversation rescuing.
If you're on a call with afriend and your teenager
interrupts you to ask where theketchup is, don't immediately
help signal that you're busy andthey need to wait or figure it
out.
And fourth is change yourinternal dialogue.

(09:13):
Instead of if I don't respondimmediately, I'm a bad mom, try
teaching my family to respectboundaries makes me a good mom.
And instead of words like theyneed me to be available all the
time, try they need me to modelwhat healthy availability looks
like.
Instead of I should always beaccessible to my family, try
something like beingstrategically unavailable

(09:34):
teaches my family independenceand respect.
Let me show you what thisactually looks like in the real
world, because this isn't just amindset shift.
It's a transformation thatunfolds step by step, and the
best way I have found to movefrom this constant availability
to healthy presence is throughthe your Utmost Life method, a
three-phase process discoverdesign and do the discover phase

(09:56):
.
This is where it all begins.
You start by recognizing thatyour worth as a mom has never
been about being on call.
You realize that underneathyour exhaustion is a belief that
you've unknowingly carried.
That love means beingconstantly accessible.
But real love, the kind thatcreates healthy relationships.
It includes boundaries, itincludes rest.

(10:19):
It includes you.
The second phase is the designphase.
Once you've uncovered thatburied belief, it's time to
rebuild.
In this phase, you'll rewritethe story you've been living by.
You begin replacing the liethat good moms are always
available with the truth thatgood moms model self-respect.
You design a new belief system,one that honors both your

(10:40):
family's needs and your owncapacity.
And the third phase is the doingphase.
This comes the part where mostof us need the most support
making it real in everyday life.
This is where you startbuilding daily patterns that
support those boundaries you'vecreated.
Where your time is no longer upfor grabs, when your presence
becomes intentional, notautomatic, where your family

(11:02):
learns to respect your limitsbecause you've taught them how.
This is also where the boundaryframework comes in.
These aren't just abstractconcepts.
These are tools you can startusing now.
Tools like the message boundaryyou choose when and how you
respond to text calls orquestions.
You are not a 24-7 help desk.
The emotional boundary yourpeace doesn't have to rise and

(11:23):
fall with everyone else'semotions.
You are allowed to staycentered even when things around
you are not.
The presence boundary youdecide when you're mentally and
physically present and whenyou're not.
Being in the same room doesn'talways mean being available and
the involvement boundary youravailability is allowed to shift
as your family grows.
What served them when they werefive may not serve them when

(11:45):
they're 15 or 25.
You get to evolve.
Each of these boundaries isn'tjust about your time.
They're about your identity.
They are the visible evidenceof the deeper work that you are
doing to reclaim your worth andto raise a family that
understands.
Love isn't about constant access.
It's about mutual respect.

(12:05):
Listen, here's the deal.
Constant availability isn'tlove, it's codependency.
When you're always on call foryour family's every want and
whim, you're not being a goodmom, you're being an enabler.
Your family doesn't need you tobe available 24-7.
They need you to teach themwhat healthy relationships look
like.
They need to learn that peoplehave boundaries, that

(12:28):
interrupting someone isdisrespectful and that love
doesn't mean immediate access toanother person.
And here's the thing that mightsurprise you when you become
strategically unavailable, yourfamily doesn't love you less.
They respect you more.
They learn to value your time.
They develop independence.
They understand that you are awhole person, not just their

(12:51):
personal assistant.
The most loving thing you can dofor your family is to stop
being constantly available andstart modeling healthy
boundaries, because the way youallow yourself to be treated
teaches your children how totreat others and how to expect
to be treated.
Listen, I know that this isn'teasy to hear, especially when
your whole heart is wrapped upin being a good mom.
I've been there, I've walkedthrough it and it is hard.

(13:13):
But the truth is this alwaysbeing available doesn't make you
a better mother.
It just makes you an exhaustedone.
And exhaustion isn't the badgeof love we've been taught.
It is.
The path forward isn't aboutbeing less loving or less
present.
It's about being less consumed.
It's about remembering thatyour value was never supposed to

(13:33):
come from how quickly yourespond or how often you drop
everything.
It was meant to come from whoyou are your whole self, the
woman who loves deeply, whoshows up fully, but who also
gets to matter in her own life.
So if anything I said today hithome, if you saw yourself in
the examples or felt that tug.

(13:54):
Of this is me, I want to inviteyou to take one simple, gentle
step.
Go to your utmost selfcomforward, slash, reset and
download your free copy ofinvisible to seen a seven day
reset for moms.
This isn't fluff.
This isn't more to add to yourto do list.
It's seven days of small soulfield shifts to help you

(14:15):
reconnect with who you are,beyond the noise, the guilt and
the role.
If you've ever felt like youanswer everyone else's needs but
ignore your own, you don'tremember the last time you had
15 minutes of uninterrupted timeor you look in the mirror and
think where did I go?
This is for you, because here'sthe deal You're not asking for
too much, you're not beingselfish.
You're just overdue to feellike you again, because your

(14:42):
family doesn't need you to beavailable 24-7.
They need you to be whole, andthat starts with giving yourself
permission to step out ofconstant service mode and step
back into your own presence.
You are not broken.
You're just buried, andsometimes the most loving thing
you can do is to start digging.