June 23, 2025 • 17 mins
Who You Are Never Disappeared (She's Just Been Waiting) - The Message I Wish Someone Had Told Me
Do you ever feel like a ghost in your own life—visible only when someone needs something from you? If you're struggling with that overwhelming sense of disconnection from who you truly are, this deeply personal episode will help you understand you're not alone and it's not something you have to accept as "just part of being a mom."
Join host Misty Chelley as she shares the raw moment standing in her kitchen when she realized: "If I disappeared, would anyone notice ME—not what I do, but who I am?" This jarring revelation showed how she'd become defined solely by her function, seamlessly woven into the background as the woman who makes everything work. She'd become invisible to herself.
Research confirms this experience is common—women who primarily identify through caregiving roles experience what researchers call "identity foreclosure" during midlife transitions. This isn't a midlife crisis; it's an identity crisis. And there's a way through.
In this transformative episode, you'll discover:
- The three destructive lies that keep us trapped in cycles of invisibility and how to break free from them
- Why "This is just how life is when you're a mom" is a myth—motherhood doesn't require self-erasure
- How gratitude without action becomes just another form of resignation
- Why taking care of yourself isn't selfish—it's sustainable and necessary
- The simple practice that transformed everything: paying attention to your thoughts about yourself
- How small changes create ripple effects that reclaim your entire identity
- Why the restlessness you feel isn't a problem to fix but your soul telling you you're ready for your next chapter
Key topics covered:
- Rediscovering your identity beyond caregiving roles
- Overcoming feeling invisible in your own life
- Understanding identity foreclosure and midlife transitions
- Breaking free from inherited thoughts that keep you small
- Practical steps for reconnecting with who you are
- Creating your next chapter without starting over
- The difference between selfishness and sustainable self-care
Whether you're wondering "who am I anymore?" or feeling guilty for wanting more than just being someone's everything, this conversation will remind you that who you are never disappeared—she's just been waiting for you to notice her again. You're not too late; you're right on time.
Ready to reclaim your identity? Grab Misty's free guide, 10 Signs You're Ready to Create Your Next Chapter, at yourutmostself.com/nextchapter and join thousands of women who are remembering they matter too.
Remember: You are not alone, you are not broken, and your story isn't over—the best chapters are yet to be written.
📲What would it be like to empower a friend who needs to hear this, letting her know she’s not alone in her struggles? Share this episode today.
🔗 Follow for daily encouragement and behind-the-scenes heart-to-hearts: @yourutmostself
🎧 What would happen if you never missed a conversation that powerfully reminds you of who you truly are? Subscribe to the podcast now.
✨ How could you continue your journey of self-discovery and empowerment with free resources, articles, and more? Visit Your Utmost Self to explore.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
I have become a ghost in my own life, visible only
when someone needed something.
If you're waiting for the righttime to start living for
yourself, I need to tell yousomething that will transform
the way you look at your lifeand yourself.
If you're listening to this,chances are you found me,
because something inside you isstirring.
Maybe you feel like you'reliving someone else's life.
Maybe you're wondering when youbecame the supporting character
(00:21):
in your own story.
Maybe you're sitting in yourcar right now stealing five
minutes before you have to goback inside and be on for
everyone else.
Have you ever looked in themirror, barely recognizing the
woman staring back at you?
That woman who used to havedreams, passions and a sense of
purpose beyond taking care ofeveryone else.
As moms, we often loseourselves in the endless cycle
of being everything to everyone.
(00:42):
The overwhelming feeling ofdisconnection from who we truly
are.
The struggle to find balance,the deep longing to feel
confident and worthy again.
Hi, I'm Misty Chelly, welcometo your Utmost Life.
Each week, we have real, honestconversations about
rediscovering yourself, buildingunshakable confidence and
reconnecting with the joy thatlights you up Through practical
strategies and transformativeinsights.
(01:04):
We'll explore what it means tomove from feeling lost to living
fully, because here's the truthyou're not just someone's
everything, you are someone, andit's time to embrace your
utmost life.
Today's episode is different.
It's more personal.
It's a letter to the woman whofeels invisible.
And if that's you, I see you.
Not the version of you thateveryone needs, not the perfect
(01:27):
mom, the helpful wife, the womanwho has it all together.
I see the real you, the onewho's been quietly disappearing,
piece by piece, year after year, and I want you to know you are
not alone in this, you are notbroken and you are definitely
not too late.
I'd like to begin by sharingsomething I've never discussed
publicly, something that mighthelp you feel less alone and
whatever you're going throughright now.
(01:48):
It was a Tuesday morning inOctober, I remember, because I
had just finished making lunches, signing permission slips and
getting the kids to school, andas I sat at the light, I was
looking at my calendar and I sawmy birthday coming up.
When I got back home, the housewas quiet and I stood there in
the kitchen the same kitchenwhere I'd stood so many times
before and I had the strangestthought if I were to disappear
right now, how long would ittake anyone to notice I was gone
(02:11):
.
And then my mind went into thisdark place.
They could hire a housekeeperto clean, they could order an
Uber when they needed a ride,they could have meals delivered,
and all the things I did couldbe replaced by services.
But when would they actuallymiss me?
Not what I did for them, butwho I was as a person.
(02:31):
Not because they didn't love methey did.
But I realized I had become sodefined by my function, so
seamlessly woven into thebackground as the woman who
makes everything work, that Iwasn't even sure I existed as my
own person anymore.
I started crying right there,standing next to the sink as I
jotted down the grocery list.
Not the pretty kind of cryingyou see in movies, the ugly,
gut-wrenching kind that comesfrom somewhere so deep you
didn't even know it existed.
(02:52):
And the worst part I feltguilty for crying, because what
did I have to be sad about?
I had a good life, a lovingfamily, a roof over my head.
Who was I to want more?
But here's what I know now thatI did not know then.
Wanting more isn't ungrateful,it's human, and feeling
invisible isn't a character flaw.
It's a signal that somethingneeds to change.
(03:13):
Now, if you've been feelingthis too, like the world moves
around you but never reallyincludes you, it's not because
you're selfish or dramatic.
You're not having a midlifecrisis.
You're having an identitycrisis, and I've been diving
deep into research trying tounderstand why this happens to
so many of us.
What I found was fascinatingand heartbreaking at the same
(03:34):
time.
There's actual research on this.
A study published in theJournal of Women and Aging found
that women, who primarilyidentify through caregiving
roles, they experience whatresearchers call identity of
foreclosure during midlifetransitions, basically, when the
kids become more independent.
Women often feel a sense ofdisorientation because their
entire sense of self was builtaround being needed.
(03:57):
Think about that for a minute.
We build our entire identityaround being needed by others,
and then we wonder why we feellost when that need shifts or
change.
Through my own journey and myresearch, I've discovered that
when we feel invisible, weusually tell ourselves one of
three lies, and these lies keepus stuck spinning our wheels,
wondering why nothing everchanges.
(04:17):
The first lie is this this isjust how life is when you're a
mom.
No, absolutely not.
This is how life is when you'velost touch with who you are
outside of what you do for otherpeople.
Motherhood is beautiful andsacred, and hard, but it doesn't
require you to disappear.
I remember thinking thatfeeling invisible was just part
(04:38):
of the package deal of being agood mom, like suffering in
silence with some kind of badgeof honor.
But you know what I realized?
My kids don't need a martyr.
They need a mother who knowsher own worth, who models what
it looks like to value yourself,to show them that women are
whole human beings, with dreamsand opinions and needs that
matter.
When I started reclaiming my ownidentity, my daughter, who was
(05:00):
about 14 at the time, saidsomething that stopped me in my
tracks.
She said, mom, you seem happierlately, like you're actually
happy, not just pretending to behappy.
At 14, she could tell thedifference between the version
of me that was performinghappiness and the version that
was actually living it.
The second lie we tellourselves is if I was just more
grateful, I wouldn't feel thisway.
(05:22):
This makes me want to screambecause it's so insidious.
It's the lie that keeps ustrapped in guilt, thinking that
our feelings are somehow areflection of our character
rather than importantinformation about our lives.
If you are multitasking, I needyou to come back to me because
you need to hear this.
You can be grateful for yourblessings and want more for
(05:43):
yourself.
You can love your family deeplyand feel frustrated that you've
lost yourself.
You can appreciate your lifeand recognize that something
needs to change.
Gratitude isn't supposed to be aspiritual bypass that keeps you
from addressing real problems.
It's not supposed to be a wayto shut down your own needs and
desires.
Real gratitude actually createsspace for growth, not
(06:06):
stagnation.
I spent years thinking that ifI could just be more thankful,
more content, more accepting,then I wouldn't feel this
restless ache in my chest.
But gratitude without action isjust another form of
resignation, and you weren't puton this earth to resign
yourself to anything.
The third lie and this is thebig one it's I'm being selfish
(06:28):
for wanting things for myself.
This is the lie that keeps morewomen stuck than any other the
belief that taking care ofyourself is somehow taking away
from everyone else.
But here's what I want you toconsider.
What if the opposite's true?
What if, by continuing toneglect yourself, by continuing
to pour from an empty cup,you're actually giving everyone
(06:49):
else the worst version of whoyou could be when I was running
on empty, constantly exhausted,constantly resentful but trying
to hide it.
I wasn't showing up as my bestself for anyone.
I was actually just goingthrough the motions but I wasn't
really present.
I was physically there butemotionally checked out.
My husband got the tired,irritable version of me, my kids
got the stressed, overwhelmedversion and my friends got the
(07:11):
surface level everything's fineversion, because I didn't have
the energy for anything deeper.
Taking care of yourself isn'tselfish, it's sustainable.
It's not a luxury, it's aresponsibility, not just to
yourself but to everyone wholoves you and deserves the real
you, not the depleted versionyou've been offering.
Now I want to tell you about theexact moment when everything
(07:32):
started to change for me,because I think recognizing
these moments, these small butprofound shifts in perspective,
can help you start to see yourown path forward.
I was reading a book oneafternoon and I came across this
question what would you do ifyou knew that you couldn't fail?
Now, I heard versions of thisquestion before, but for some
reason, on that particular dayit hit differently.
(07:54):
Instead of immediately thinkingabout big, dramatic life
changes, my mind went somewhereunexpected.
I thought I would speak upduring conversations instead of
just nodding along.
That was it.
That was my answer Not I wouldstart a business or I would
travel the world, or any typicalresponse.
I would speak up duringconversations, and that's when I
realized how small I had mademyself, how much I had trained
(08:17):
myself to take up little spaceas possible, even in my own
thoughts and opinions.
I started paying attention tohow often I bit my tongue, how
often I let moments pass where Icould have contributed
something meaningful to theconversation but chose silence
instead.
I noticed how I would start tosay something and then stop
myself thinking nobody reallywants to hear what I have to say
(08:38):
.
But here's the thing aboutsmall changes that create ripple
effects.
When I started speaking up inconversations, I started
remembering what I actuallythought about things.
When I started sharing myopinion, I started remembering
that I had them.
And when I started taking upspace and conversations, I
started taking up space in myown life.
This brings me to the practicethat has been transformative for
(08:59):
me, and it's something you canstart doing today.
It's simple, but it's not easy,and it's this start paying
attention to your thoughts aboutyourself.
I know that sounds basic, buthear me, most of the time we're
so busy managing everyone else'sneeds and emotions that were
completely disconnected from ourown internal dialogue.
We have no idea how cool we'rebeing to ourselves on a daily
(09:20):
basis.
So for one week I want you tonotice, without trying to change
anything, how you talk toyourself.
Notice the running commentaryin your head.
Notice what you tell yourselfabout your appearance, your
choices, your worth, your dreams.
Notice how quickly you dismissyour own ideas.
Notice how often you callyourself stupid or selfish or
(09:40):
dramatic, and notice how youminimize your accomplishments
and magnify your mistakes.
Just notice.
Don't try to fix it or changeit, just become aware of it.
Because here's what I discoveredI was my own worst enemy.
I was doing to myself what Iwould never dream of doing to
another human being.
I was constantly criticizing,constantly diminishing and
(10:02):
constantly telling myself why Iwasn't enough.
And the voice in my headsounded suspiciously like voices
from my past Teachers, parents,society Voices that had told me
that good girls don't take uptoo much space, that women
should be grateful for what theyhave and that wanting more is
greedy.
But those weren't my thoughts.
They were just thoughts that Ihad inherited and never
(10:24):
questioned.
Once I started paying attentionto my internal dialogue, I
started changing it.
I could start asking is thisthought helping me or hurting me
?
Is this thought even true?
Whose voice is this really?
And slowly, gradually, Istarted replacing the inherent
thoughts with thoughts that wereactually mine, thoughts that
were kind, encouraging,supportive Thoughts that treated
(10:46):
me like someone I love, becauseI was finally learning to love
myself.
Now I want to address somethingthat I know many of you are
thinking but what if it's toolate?
What if I've been invisible forso long that this is just who I
am now?
Oh, sweet friend, it's nevertoo late, never.
I know that our culture tells usthat women have expiration
(11:07):
dates, that our best years arebehind us and that we should be
grateful for what we haveinstead of hoping for what could
still be.
But here's another lie designedto help keep us small.
Here's what I have discoveredthrough my own experience and
watching other women.
This restlessness isn't aproblem to be fixed.
It's information to be honored.
It's your soul telling you thatyou're ready for more, that
(11:28):
you've outgrown who you used tobe and that it's time to step
into who you're becoming.
In other words, this period ofquestioning isn't a crisis.
It's preparation for your nextchapter.
There is no timeline forbecoming who you're meant to be.
There's no deadline forreclaiming your life.
There's no age limit on feelingseen, valued or alive.
What if the best is yet to come?
(11:49):
What if all the years you spentcaring for others, developing
your emotional intelligence,learning to put others' needs
first?
What if all of that waspreparation for this next
chapter, where you finally learnto include yourself in that
equation?
You're not starting over.
You are building on everythingyou've learned, everything
you've experienced andeverything that you have
(12:10):
survived.
You're not too late.
You are right on time.
I want to share somethingpersonal about why I'm here
talking to you right now and whyI've built my life around
helping other women rediscovertheir worth and reclaim their
identity.
It's because I know what it'slike to feel invisible, what
it's like to question whetheryour life matters, and I know
what it's like to wonder if thisis all there is.
I also know what it's like onthe other side.
(12:31):
I know what it feels like toremember who you are, what it
feels like to take up spacewithout apologizing for it, and
I know what it feels like to beseen, really seen, starting with
seeing yourself.
I'm not here to fix you,because you're not broken I.
I'm not here to fix you,because you're not broken.
I'm not here to save you,because you don't need saving.
I'm here to remind you of whatyou already know deep down that
you are worthy of the same love,attention and care that you
(12:53):
give to everyone else.
I am here to be that voice thatsays what maybe no one else is
saying your life matters, yourdreams matter, you matter.
Through my research and my ownexperience, I've been developing
what I call your utmost method.
It's a framework for aligningyour identity, beliefs and
(13:14):
vision, not by adding more toyour plate, but by remembering
who you're always meant to be.
It starts with identity work,really understanding who you are
, beyond the roles that you play.
Then we look at the beliefsthat are either supporting or
sabotaging your growth andfinally we create a vision for
what you actually want your lifeto look like.
This isn't about escaping yourresponsibilities or abandoning
your family.
It's about including yourselfin that equation.
(13:36):
It's about recognizing that youcan be a devoted mother, a
loving wife and a caring friend,and a whole person with your
own dreams and desires.
I want to leave you with aquestion, not because I expect
you to have an answer right now,but because I want to plant a
seed in your mind that willstart growing over the next few
days and weeks.
Here's the question what wouldchange in your life if you truly
(13:57):
believed that you mattered asmuch as everyone?
You take care of Not more thanthem, as much as them?
What would change if youbelieved your dreams were as
valid as theirs, your needs asimportant as theirs, your
happiness as worthy of pursuitas theirs?
What would change if youstopped waiting for permission
to value your own life?
I'm not asking you to becomeselfish or to stop caring about
(14:19):
the people you love.
I'm asking you to expand yourcircle of care to include
yourself.
I'm asking you to consider thatmaybe, just maybe, you deserve
the same love and attention andconsideration that you so freely
give to everyone else.
So here's my invitation to youwherever you are in your journey
, start small, start today.
Start with something as simpleas noticing how you talk to
(14:42):
yourself.
You don't have to blow up yourlife.
You don't have to make dramaticchanges.
You just have to start payingattention to the woman who's
been waiting patiently insideyou, the one who's been hoping
that someday you'll remember sheexists.
She's still there.
She's been there all along.
She's just been quiet for solong that maybe you've forgotten
how to hear her voice, butshe's there and she's ready when
(15:03):
you are.
Before I go, I want to say onemore thing.
If you've made it this far, ifyou've listened to this entire
episode, that tells me somethingimportant about you You're
ready.
You might not feel ready, youmight feel scared or overwhelmed
or uncertain, but the fact thatyou're here seeking something
more, that means that part ofyou, the truest part of you,
knows that you deserve betterthan that feeling invisible.
(15:25):
Trust that part of yourself.
She knows what she's talkingabout.
And remember, you don't have tofigure it all out at once.
You don't have to have aperfect plan.
You just have to have the nextsmall step, because your story
isn't over.
In fact, I have a feeling thatthe best chapters are yet to be
written.
If today's conversation hasstirred something inside of you,
if you're recognizing yourselfin some of what I've shared, I
(15:47):
want to make sure you havesupport for whatever comes next.
I've created something called10 signs.
You're ready to create yournext chapter, and it's a free,
guided experience that will helpyou identify exactly where you
are in this journey and whatyour next small step might be.
Inside you'll find not just the10 signs, but gentle
reflections and a simple map tohelp you start reconnecting with
who you are, beyond all theroles and expectations.
(16:09):
You can grab it for free, atyour utmost selfcom forward
slash next chapter or just checkthe show notes.
If you found value in thisconversation, would you consider
sharing it with one other womanwho might need to hear it?
Sometimes, the most powerfulthing we can do is simply let
another woman know she's notalone in feeling this way.
And if you want to continuethis conversation, come find me
on social media.
(16:30):
I read every message and I lovehearing from women who are on
this journey of reclaimingthemselves, because here's what
I know for sure when women wakeup to their own worth when
themselves, because here's whatI know for sure when women wake
up to their own worth, when theystep out of invisibility and
into their power, they don'tjust change their own life.
They change their families,their communities, their world,
and I believe that's exactlywhat the world needs right now.
So thank you for being here,thank you for listening, thank
(16:51):
you for being brave enough toconsider that maybe, just maybe,
you deserve more than feelinginvisible Because you do you
absolutely 100%.
Do so until next time.
Remember you matter, your voicematters and your story matters.
Your next chapter is waiting,my friend, and I cannot wait to
see what you create.
I have become a ghost in my own life, visible only
when someone needed something.
If you're waiting for the righttime to start living for
yourself, I need to tell yousomething that will transform
the way you look at your lifeand yourself.
If you're listening to this,chances are you found me,
because something inside you isstirring.
Maybe you feel like you'reliving someone else's life.
Maybe you're wondering when youbecame the supporting character
(00:21):
in your own story.
Maybe you're sitting in yourcar right now stealing five
minutes before you have to goback inside and be on for
everyone else.
Have you ever looked in themirror, barely recognizing the
woman staring back at you?
That woman who used to havedreams, passions and a sense of
purpose beyond taking care ofeveryone else.
As moms, we often loseourselves in the endless cycle
of being everything to everyone.
(00:42):
The overwhelming feeling ofdisconnection from who we truly
are.
The struggle to find balance,the deep longing to feel
confident and worthy again.
Hi, I'm Misty Chelly, welcometo your Utmost Life.
Each week, we have real, honestconversations about
rediscovering yourself, buildingunshakable confidence and
reconnecting with the joy thatlights you up Through practical
strategies and transformativeinsights.
(01:04):
We'll explore what it means tomove from feeling lost to living
fully, because here's the truthyou're not just someone's
everything, you are someone, andit's time to embrace your
utmost life.
Today's episode is different.
It's more personal.
It's a letter to the woman whofeels invisible.
And if that's you, I see you.
Not the version of you thateveryone needs, not the perfect
(01:27):
mom, the helpful wife, the womanwho has it all together.
I see the real you, the onewho's been quietly disappearing,
piece by piece, year after year, and I want you to know you are
not alone in this, you are notbroken and you are definitely
not too late.
I'd like to begin by sharingsomething I've never discussed
publicly, something that mighthelp you feel less alone and
whatever you're going throughright now.
(01:48):
It was a Tuesday morning inOctober, I remember, because I
had just finished making lunches, signing permission slips and
getting the kids to school, andas I sat at the light, I was
looking at my calendar and I sawmy birthday coming up.
When I got back home, the housewas quiet and I stood there in
the kitchen the same kitchenwhere I'd stood so many times
before and I had the strangestthought if I were to disappear
right now, how long would ittake anyone to notice I was gone
(02:11):
.
And then my mind went into thisdark place.
They could hire a housekeeperto clean, they could order an
Uber when they needed a ride,they could have meals delivered,
and all the things I did couldbe replaced by services.
But when would they actuallymiss me?
Not what I did for them, butwho I was as a person.
(02:31):
Not because they didn't love methey did.
But I realized I had become sodefined by my function, so
seamlessly woven into thebackground as the woman who
makes everything work, that Iwasn't even sure I existed as my
own person anymore.
I started crying right there,standing next to the sink as I
jotted down the grocery list.
Not the pretty kind of cryingyou see in movies, the ugly,
gut-wrenching kind that comesfrom somewhere so deep you
didn't even know it existed.
(02:52):
And the worst part I feltguilty for crying, because what
did I have to be sad about?
I had a good life, a lovingfamily, a roof over my head.
Who was I to want more?
But here's what I know now thatI did not know then.
Wanting more isn't ungrateful,it's human, and feeling
invisible isn't a character flaw.
It's a signal that somethingneeds to change.
(03:13):
Now, if you've been feelingthis too, like the world moves
around you but never reallyincludes you, it's not because
you're selfish or dramatic.
You're not having a midlifecrisis.
You're having an identitycrisis, and I've been diving
deep into research trying tounderstand why this happens to
so many of us.
What I found was fascinatingand heartbreaking at the same
(03:34):
time.
There's actual research on this.
A study published in theJournal of Women and Aging found
that women, who primarilyidentify through caregiving
roles, they experience whatresearchers call identity of
foreclosure during midlifetransitions, basically, when the
kids become more independent.
Women often feel a sense ofdisorientation because their
entire sense of self was builtaround being needed.
(03:57):
Think about that for a minute.
We build our entire identityaround being needed by others,
and then we wonder why we feellost when that need shifts or
change.
Through my own journey and myresearch, I've discovered that
when we feel invisible, weusually tell ourselves one of
three lies, and these lies keepus stuck spinning our wheels,
wondering why nothing everchanges.
(04:17):
The first lie is this this isjust how life is when you're a
mom.
No, absolutely not.
This is how life is when you'velost touch with who you are
outside of what you do for otherpeople.
Motherhood is beautiful andsacred, and hard, but it doesn't
require you to disappear.
I remember thinking thatfeeling invisible was just part
(04:38):
of the package deal of being agood mom, like suffering in
silence with some kind of badgeof honor.
But you know what I realized?
My kids don't need a martyr.
They need a mother who knowsher own worth, who models what
it looks like to value yourself,to show them that women are
whole human beings, with dreamsand opinions and needs that
matter.
When I started reclaiming my ownidentity, my daughter, who was
(05:00):
about 14 at the time, saidsomething that stopped me in my
tracks.
She said, mom, you seem happierlately, like you're actually
happy, not just pretending to behappy.
At 14, she could tell thedifference between the version
of me that was performinghappiness and the version that
was actually living it.
The second lie we tellourselves is if I was just more
grateful, I wouldn't feel thisway.
(05:22):
This makes me want to screambecause it's so insidious.
It's the lie that keeps ustrapped in guilt, thinking that
our feelings are somehow areflection of our character
rather than importantinformation about our lives.
If you are multitasking, I needyou to come back to me because
you need to hear this.
You can be grateful for yourblessings and want more for
(05:43):
yourself.
You can love your family deeplyand feel frustrated that you've
lost yourself.
You can appreciate your lifeand recognize that something
needs to change.
Gratitude isn't supposed to be aspiritual bypass that keeps you
from addressing real problems.
It's not supposed to be a wayto shut down your own needs and
desires.
Real gratitude actually createsspace for growth, not
(06:06):
stagnation.
I spent years thinking that ifI could just be more thankful,
more content, more accepting,then I wouldn't feel this
restless ache in my chest.
But gratitude without action isjust another form of
resignation, and you weren't puton this earth to resign
yourself to anything.
The third lie and this is thebig one it's I'm being selfish
(06:28):
for wanting things for myself.
This is the lie that keeps morewomen stuck than any other the
belief that taking care ofyourself is somehow taking away
from everyone else.
But here's what I want you toconsider.
What if the opposite's true?
What if, by continuing toneglect yourself, by continuing
to pour from an empty cup,you're actually giving everyone
(06:49):
else the worst version of whoyou could be when I was running
on empty, constantly exhausted,constantly resentful but trying
to hide it.
I wasn't showing up as my bestself for anyone.
I was actually just goingthrough the motions but I wasn't
really present.
I was physically there butemotionally checked out.
My husband got the tired,irritable version of me, my kids
got the stressed, overwhelmedversion and my friends got the
(07:11):
surface level everything's fineversion, because I didn't have
the energy for anything deeper.
Taking care of yourself isn'tselfish, it's sustainable.
It's not a luxury, it's aresponsibility, not just to
yourself but to everyone wholoves you and deserves the real
you, not the depleted versionyou've been offering.
Now I want to tell you about theexact moment when everything
(07:32):
started to change for me,because I think recognizing
these moments, these small butprofound shifts in perspective,
can help you start to see yourown path forward.
I was reading a book oneafternoon and I came across this
question what would you do ifyou knew that you couldn't fail?
Now, I heard versions of thisquestion before, but for some
reason, on that particular dayit hit differently.
(07:54):
Instead of immediately thinkingabout big, dramatic life
changes, my mind went somewhereunexpected.
I thought I would speak upduring conversations instead of
just nodding along.
That was it.
That was my answer Not I wouldstart a business or I would
travel the world, or any typicalresponse.
I would speak up duringconversations, and that's when I
realized how small I had mademyself, how much I had trained
(08:17):
myself to take up little spaceas possible, even in my own
thoughts and opinions.
I started paying attention tohow often I bit my tongue, how
often I let moments pass where Icould have contributed
something meaningful to theconversation but chose silence
instead.
I noticed how I would start tosay something and then stop
myself thinking nobody reallywants to hear what I have to say
(08:38):
.
But here's the thing aboutsmall changes that create ripple
effects.
When I started speaking up inconversations, I started
remembering what I actuallythought about things.
When I started sharing myopinion, I started remembering
that I had them.
And when I started taking upspace and conversations, I
started taking up space in myown life.
This brings me to the practicethat has been transformative for
(08:59):
me, and it's something you canstart doing today.
It's simple, but it's not easy,and it's this start paying
attention to your thoughts aboutyourself.
I know that sounds basic, buthear me, most of the time we're
so busy managing everyone else'sneeds and emotions that were
completely disconnected from ourown internal dialogue.
We have no idea how cool we'rebeing to ourselves on a daily
(09:20):
basis.
So for one week I want you tonotice, without trying to change
anything, how you talk toyourself.
Notice the running commentaryin your head.
Notice what you tell yourselfabout your appearance, your
choices, your worth, your dreams.
Notice how quickly you dismissyour own ideas.
Notice how often you callyourself stupid or selfish or
(09:40):
dramatic, and notice how youminimize your accomplishments
and magnify your mistakes.
Just notice.
Don't try to fix it or changeit, just become aware of it.
Because here's what I discoveredI was my own worst enemy.
I was doing to myself what Iwould never dream of doing to
another human being.
I was constantly criticizing,constantly diminishing and
(10:02):
constantly telling myself why Iwasn't enough.
And the voice in my headsounded suspiciously like voices
from my past Teachers, parents,society Voices that had told me
that good girls don't take uptoo much space, that women
should be grateful for what theyhave and that wanting more is
greedy.
But those weren't my thoughts.
They were just thoughts that Ihad inherited and never
(10:24):
questioned.
Once I started paying attentionto my internal dialogue, I
started changing it.
I could start asking is thisthought helping me or hurting me
?
Is this thought even true?
Whose voice is this really?
And slowly, gradually, Istarted replacing the inherent
thoughts with thoughts that wereactually mine, thoughts that
were kind, encouraging,supportive Thoughts that treated
(10:46):
me like someone I love, becauseI was finally learning to love
myself.
Now I want to address somethingthat I know many of you are
thinking but what if it's toolate?
What if I've been invisible forso long that this is just who I
am now?
Oh, sweet friend, it's nevertoo late, never.
I know that our culture tells usthat women have expiration
(11:07):
dates, that our best years arebehind us and that we should be
grateful for what we haveinstead of hoping for what could
still be.
But here's another lie designedto help keep us small.
Here's what I have discoveredthrough my own experience and
watching other women.
This restlessness isn't aproblem to be fixed.
It's information to be honored.
It's your soul telling you thatyou're ready for more, that
(11:28):
you've outgrown who you used tobe and that it's time to step
into who you're becoming.
In other words, this period ofquestioning isn't a crisis.
It's preparation for your nextchapter.
There is no timeline forbecoming who you're meant to be.
There's no deadline forreclaiming your life.
There's no age limit on feelingseen, valued or alive.
What if the best is yet to come?
(11:49):
What if all the years you spentcaring for others, developing
your emotional intelligence,learning to put others' needs
first?
What if all of that waspreparation for this next
chapter, where you finally learnto include yourself in that
equation?
You're not starting over.
You are building on everythingyou've learned, everything
you've experienced andeverything that you have
(12:10):
survived.
You're not too late.
You are right on time.
I want to share somethingpersonal about why I'm here
talking to you right now and whyI've built my life around
helping other women rediscovertheir worth and reclaim their
identity.
It's because I know what it'slike to feel invisible, what
it's like to question whetheryour life matters, and I know
what it's like to wonder if thisis all there is.
I also know what it's like onthe other side.
(12:31):
I know what it feels like toremember who you are, what it
feels like to take up spacewithout apologizing for it, and
I know what it feels like to beseen, really seen, starting with
seeing yourself.
I'm not here to fix you,because you're not broken I.
I'm not here to fix you,because you're not broken.
I'm not here to save you,because you don't need saving.
I'm here to remind you of whatyou already know deep down that
you are worthy of the same love,attention and care that you
(12:53):
give to everyone else.
I am here to be that voice thatsays what maybe no one else is
saying your life matters, yourdreams matter, you matter.
Through my research and my ownexperience, I've been developing
what I call your utmost method.
It's a framework for aligningyour identity, beliefs and
(13:14):
vision, not by adding more toyour plate, but by remembering
who you're always meant to be.
It starts with identity work,really understanding who you are
, beyond the roles that you play.
Then we look at the beliefsthat are either supporting or
sabotaging your growth andfinally we create a vision for
what you actually want your lifeto look like.
This isn't about escaping yourresponsibilities or abandoning
your family.
It's about including yourselfin that equation.
(13:36):
It's about recognizing that youcan be a devoted mother, a
loving wife and a caring friend,and a whole person with your
own dreams and desires.
I want to leave you with aquestion, not because I expect
you to have an answer right now,but because I want to plant a
seed in your mind that willstart growing over the next few
days and weeks.
Here's the question what wouldchange in your life if you truly
(13:57):
believed that you mattered asmuch as everyone?
You take care of Not more thanthem, as much as them?
What would change if youbelieved your dreams were as
valid as theirs, your needs asimportant as theirs, your
happiness as worthy of pursuitas theirs?
What would change if youstopped waiting for permission
to value your own life?
I'm not asking you to becomeselfish or to stop caring about
(14:19):
the people you love.
I'm asking you to expand yourcircle of care to include
yourself.
I'm asking you to consider thatmaybe, just maybe, you deserve
the same love and attention andconsideration that you so freely
give to everyone else.
So here's my invitation to youwherever you are in your journey
, start small, start today.
Start with something as simpleas noticing how you talk to
(14:42):
yourself.
You don't have to blow up yourlife.
You don't have to make dramaticchanges.
You just have to start payingattention to the woman who's
been waiting patiently insideyou, the one who's been hoping
that someday you'll remember sheexists.
She's still there.
She's been there all along.
She's just been quiet for solong that maybe you've forgotten
how to hear her voice, butshe's there and she's ready when
(15:03):
you are.
Before I go, I want to say onemore thing.
If you've made it this far, ifyou've listened to this entire
episode, that tells me somethingimportant about you You're
ready.
You might not feel ready, youmight feel scared or overwhelmed
or uncertain, but the fact thatyou're here seeking something
more, that means that part ofyou, the truest part of you,
knows that you deserve betterthan that feeling invisible.
(15:25):
Trust that part of yourself.
She knows what she's talkingabout.
And remember, you don't have tofigure it all out at once.
You don't have to have aperfect plan.
You just have to have the nextsmall step, because your story
isn't over.
In fact, I have a feeling thatthe best chapters are yet to be
written.
If today's conversation hasstirred something inside of you,
if you're recognizing yourselfin some of what I've shared, I
(15:47):
want to make sure you havesupport for whatever comes next.
I've created something called10 signs.
You're ready to create yournext chapter, and it's a free,
guided experience that will helpyou identify exactly where you
are in this journey and whatyour next small step might be.
Inside you'll find not just the10 signs, but gentle
reflections and a simple map tohelp you start reconnecting with
who you are, beyond all theroles and expectations.
(16:09):
You can grab it for free, atyour utmost selfcom forward
slash next chapter or just checkthe show notes.
If you found value in thisconversation, would you consider
sharing it with one other womanwho might need to hear it?
Sometimes, the most powerfulthing we can do is simply let
another woman know she's notalone in feeling this way.
And if you want to continuethis conversation, come find me
on social media.
(16:30):
I read every message and I lovehearing from women who are on
this journey of reclaimingthemselves, because here's what
I know for sure when women wakeup to their own worth when
themselves, because here's whatI know for sure when women wake
up to their own worth, when theystep out of invisibility and
into their power, they don'tjust change their own life.
They change their families,their communities, their world,
and I believe that's exactlywhat the world needs right now.
So thank you for being here,thank you for listening, thank
(16:51):
you for being brave enough toconsider that maybe, just maybe,
you deserve more than feelinginvisible Because you do you
absolutely 100%.
Do so until next time.
Remember you matter, your voicematters and your story matters.
Your next chapter is waiting,my friend, and I cannot wait to
see what you create.
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