Have you ever looked in the mirror and wondered, "Who am I beyond being a mom?" That question might seem small, but it's profoundly important. According to research, 71% of mothers report being most strongly defined by their roles as mothers—a number that jumps to 87% for those not in the workforce. When that all-consuming role shifts, many women find themselves in what I call the "invisible mama syndrome," experiencing a gradual erosion of personal identity that happens so subtly they don't realize it until they feel like strangers in their own lives.
This episode is deeply personal because it's about that moment when you discover you've become a supporting character in your own journey—and how to step back into the lead role without guilt, drama, or waiting for permission. I share my own story of setting a table for dinner and realizing I had only laid out three plates, not because I had forgotten someone, but because I didn't count myself. That moment broke me in a soft, quiet way as I recognized how I had confused efficiency with purpose and mistaken being needed for being fulfilled.
The beautiful truth is that reclaiming yourself doesn't require demolition of your current life. You don't need to blow up your marriage, quit your job, or move away. What you need is reconnection, not reconstruction. Through the Your Utmost Life Method—Discover, Design, and Do—you can begin transforming this transition into transformation. We explore three simple practices you can start today: the morning mirror exercise, identity inventory, and one decision rule. These aren't assignments to complete but invitations to return to yourself.
Whether you're approaching an empty nest or simply feeling lost in the demands of motherhood, remember: you don't need anyone's permission to evolve, but you do need to give yourself permission to begin. Download the free Your Utmost Alignment Check-In and join a community of women walking the same path of reclamation and redesign. You weren't meant to disappear as your next chapter begins—you were meant to emerge.
📲 Share this episode with a friend who needs to know she’s not broken—just buried. Let her know she’s not alone.
🔗 Follow along on Instagram for daily encouragement and behind-the-scenes heart-to-hearts: @yourutmostself
🎧 Subscribe to the podcast so you never miss a conversation that reminds you who you are.
✨ Continue your journey at Your Utmost Self - free resources, articles, and more.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Misty (00:00):
Have you ever found yourself alone in your own house
, quiet, still surrounded bythings you've chosen, yet
suddenly feel like a stranger inyour own life?
Not because something bighappened, but because nothing
has the rhythm of everyoneelse's needs, schedules and
routines.
It's been your metronome foryears and now, as the noise
fades, so does your sense ofself.
(00:21):
You wonder where did I go?
That question might seem small,but it's one of the most
profound things you'll ever askyourself.
It's not about starting over.
It's about waking up, and todayI want to help you do just that
.
Right now, right where you are,we're going to explore how to
reclaim the truest, most genuineparts of you without blowing up
(00:42):
your life, walking away fromyour family or waiting for some
magical sign to tell you it'stime.
Motherhood is a gift, but let'sbe honest it can also leave you
feeling overwhelmed, invisibleand disconnected from the woman
you once were.
If you ever wondered, who am Ibeyond being a mom, know this
you are not alone.
Welcome to your utmost life.
(01:02):
I'm Misty, a mom just like you,who has faced chaos, self-doubt
and the loss of identity,hitting rock bottom and emerging
stronger, with clarity,confidence and purpose.
Each week, we will explorepractical tools and
transformative truths to helpyou reclaim your identity,
rebuild your confidence andrediscover the joy that lights
you up.
On this journey together,you'll break free from overwhelm
(01:25):
, embrace your worth and stepfully into the most authentic
version of yourself.
Through heartfelt conversationsand actionable strategies, you
will learn how to design a lifethat excites and fulfills you, a
life where you become the womanyou were always meant to be,
because you're not just a mom.
You are so much more, and ifyou're ready to embrace her,
let's get started.
According to Motherly State ofMotherhood Survey, 71% of moms
(01:48):
report being most stronglydefined by their roles as
mothers.
For those who aren't in theworkforce, that number jumps to
a staggering 87%.
There's nothing wrong withdeeply identifying with
motherhood, but what happenswhen that role shifts, when it
no longer demands theall-consuming focus it once did?
If you felt lost, with zeroidentity outside of being a mom
(02:09):
and wife, if every role you playrevolves around meeting someone
else's needs, if you feel moreinvisible by the day, if you've
ever thought this season shouldfeel like freedom, but it feels
more like free falling.
Today's episode is deeplypersonal because it's about that
moment when you look in themirror and realize you've become
a supporting character in yourown journey and, more
importantly, it's about how tostep back into the lead role
(02:32):
without guilt, without drama andwithout waiting for permission.
Most women don't even realizethey're suffering from what I
call the invisible mama syndrome, the outward symptoms of a
deeper, more dangerous rootissue the identity eraser effect
.
And let me be clear, this isn'tabout failure.
It's about a slow, silentunraveling of self-worth that
happens over time, when yourvalue is measured solely by how
(02:54):
well you show up for others andnever by how deeply you know,
trust and honor yourself.
In fact, research shows that ittakes most mothers 18 to 24
months to successfullytransition from being a primary
caregiver to reclaiming theiridentity as independent women
after their children leave home.
That's not just a gap, that isa vulnerable identity void.
But you're not alone, you'renot behind.
(03:16):
You're exactly where yourtransformation begins.
I want to take you back to amoment in my own story.
It was shortly after we movedfrom Montana to Houston, a move
we had prayed about and believedin.
We were full of hope a new home, new roles, new schools for
kids, new everything.
In those early months I didwhat I had always done I made
sure everyone was taken care of,so they felt secure, like it
(03:36):
was home and they could beconfident in their new situation
.
I got the kids' school situated, found a new church, scheduled
the vet appointments for thedogs and figured out the grocery
stores and memorized everyone'snew schedule.
I felt like I was doing a goodjob.
Friends would say Misty, you'reamazing, how do you manage it
all?
And I'd smile, nod and maybeeven feel a little spark of
pride.
But here's the thing that noone tells you you can excel at
(03:59):
supporting everyone else andstill slowly disappear.
I realized it as I was settingthe table for dinner one night.
I had only laid out threeplates, not because I had
forgotten someone, but because Ididn't count myself.
That moment broke me in a soft,quiet way.
I stood there trying to figureout what was wrong with the
table.
Something seemed to be missingand the answer was me.
(04:19):
I started to see it everywhere.
I couldn't answer basicquestions like what do you want
to do today Without defaultingto what others might need?
I had a closet full of clothesthat worked for everyone else's
events, but nothing that feltlike me.
I become this well-oiledmachine of management and care,
and I couldn't remember the lasttime I had felt joy, just for
me.
It wasn't just a little bit ofdepression, it was burnout.
(04:41):
I was invisible living.
Research on empty nest syndromeshows it's linked to the absence
of alternative roles for theparent in which they could
establish their identity.
In other words, if being momwas your whole identity, what
happens when that rolefundamentally changes?
The scariest part I was reallygood at it.
I could manage, organize,anticipate needs and keep
(05:02):
everything running smoothly, andI was so proud of myself.
But somewhere along the way Ihad confused efficiency with
purpose and I had mistaken beingneeded for being fulfilled.
I remember sitting in my carafter dropping the kids off at
school one morning, just sittingthere in the parking lot, and I
couldn't think of a singleplace I wanted to go.
That was just for me.
Every destination in my mentalmap was tied to someone else's
(05:24):
needs the grocery store, the drycleaners, the post office all
errands for other people.
That's when it hit me I hadbecome the ultimate support
system, but I had no systemsupporting me.
This wasn't about being a badmom or an unhappy wife.
It was about losing touch withthe woman who existed beyond
those roles, the woman who haddreams that weren't just about
(05:44):
her children's futures, thewoman who had preferences,
desires and a voice that wasn'tjust used to call everyone to
dinner, and maybe you knowexactly what I mean.
Maybe you're sitting in yourcar right now listening to this
and feeling that uncomfortablerecognition.
Maybe you're in your kitchensurrounded by the evidence of a
life you've built, but no longerrecognizing it as yours, and
(06:04):
maybe you're walking throughyour neighborhood trying to
remember the last time you didsomething, just because it
brought you joy.
According to research, whenparents experience emptiness
syndrome, it frequently resultsin depression and a loss of
purpose.
But what I'm going to suggesttoday is that this moment of
identity crisis isn't somethingto fear.
It's actually a doorway tosomething beautiful, if we have
(06:24):
the courage to walk through it.
What if I told you that thevery skills that made you an
exceptional mother anticipatingneeds, creating stability and
putting others first are thesame skills that have kept you
invisible in your own life?
This isn't your fault.
We live in a culture thatpractically sanctifies maternal
sacrifice.
We're told that good mothersput themselves last and that
selfishness is the ultimatevirtue.
(06:46):
And while there's truth in thebeauty of giving to others, what
happens when giving becomeserasing.
Studies show that between 40and 50 year olds, women's
happiness tends to bottom outbefore beginning to rise again.
This is the U-shaped curve ofhappiness that researchers have
documented across cultures.
The good news there's anupswing coming, but we don't
(07:10):
have to wait passively for it.
We can actively create it.
So many women believe thatchange in the season equals
chaos.
That if you start prioritizingyour needs, your family will
fall apart.
That wanting more means you'reungrateful or not enough.
But this belief system is partof the identity eraser effect a
slow, invisible unraveling ofyour self-worth.
You think you're keeping thepeace, but you're actually
maintaining your own eraser.
I used to call it theinvisibility maintenance
(07:31):
strategy, but it's really justone of the many ways the
identity eraser effects keep yousmall and stuck.
Think about it this way Wouldyou ever tell your daughter that
she should disappear once shebecomes a mother?
Would you counsel your bestfriend to dim her light so
others could shine?
No, you'd probably tell themboth that they deserve to be
whole people and that motherhoodshould add to their identity,
(07:52):
not erase it.
So why do we accept a differentstandard for ourselves?
The truth is that reclaimingyourself isn't requiring
demolition.
You don't need to blow up yourmarriage, quit your job or move
to another country.
Those are the desperatemeasures people take when
they've been invisible for toolong.
What you need to do isreconnection, not reconstruction
.
Research has debunked the myththat midlife transitions require
(08:13):
dramatic upheaval.
In fact, a study found thatonly 23% of the people reported
experiencing what they call thatmidlife transitions require
dramatic upheaval.
In fact, a study found thatonly 23% of the people reported
experiencing what they call amidlife crisis, and of those,
only one third just 8% of thetotal said that the crisis was
related to aging itself.
The rest simply experiencedmajor life transitions that they
navigated without dramaticupheaval.
(08:34):
Here are three myths that keepwomen in the fog of invisible
living.
Myth one if I feel this lost, Imust just need to blow it all
up.
This belief whispers.
Something must be wrong with mylife.
I need a dramatic reset, butthat's simply not true.
Sometimes, what you need isn'tdeconstruction, it's attention.
Reconnection doesn't meanstarting over.
(08:55):
It means coming home toyourself and the life you've
already have.
Myth two I should just begrateful.
This one's sneaky.
It sounds virtuous.
And listen.
I am grateful, grateful for myfamily, my home, my
opportunities.
There aren't words to expressthe love and gratitude I have.
But gratitude is not a muzzle.
You can love your life andstill want to grow.
(09:17):
Just like we remodel our homeswithout moving, you are allowed
to renovate your soul.
Myth three it's too late.
Please hear me on this.
It is never too late to becomewho you were always meant to be.
Identity isn't static.
You are not behind, you are inprocess, and that means right
(09:37):
now is the perfect time toreturn to yourself.
The Washington Post featured anarticle in which one woman
described her midlife awakening.
She said, even though on thesurface it looked like I was all
in as a mother, I had beenresisting my motherhood and
trying to escape it, to findmyself.
But I didn't need to escape mychildren or my role as a mother
to solve my identity crisis.
(09:58):
I needed to accept my childrenand my role as a mother, our
interconnectedness, more deeply.
That's the beautiful paradoxhere.
Reclaiming yourself isn't aboutabandoning your roles.
It's about inhibiting them morefully, consciously and with
more of you in them.
So where have you been waitingfor permission to change?
And what if the consent you'reseeking can only come from you?
(10:18):
The journey back to yourselfisn't a straight line.
It's not a five-step processyou can check off and be done
with.
It's a waking up, a gradualrevealing of the woman who's
always been there all along.
That's why I developed the yourUpmost Life Method.
It's a framework for womenready to reclaim themselves
without starting over.
This isn't about adding more toyour plate.
It's about making room for whatmatters most.
(10:40):
The your Upmost Life Methodwalks you through three phases
that turn this transition intotransformation.
Discover, design and do.
These aren't just linear stepsto success.
They're seasons of self-return.
Let's break them down.
Discover who am I, beyond theroles I've played.
This is about peeling back thelayers of expectations and
labels and automatic behaviorsto find your core truth.
(11:00):
It's not archaeology, it'shomecoming.
In the discover phase, we diveinto questions like what were
your dreams before the needs ofeveryone else becoming your
primary focus?
What activities used to lightyou up before efficiency became
your main goal?
What values guide you, separateyou from what society says?
A good mom, wife, woman shouldvalue.
(11:22):
Research from the SeattleMidlife Women's Health Study
found that women's identifiedrediscovering self as one of the
most challenging aspects ofmidlife.
It's challenging preciselybecause it's essential.
The second phase is design.
What does life look like whenaligned with who you truly are.
This is where you create avision based on your values, not
your history.
It's not selfish.
It's sustainable.
The questions include how canyou weave your needs into the
(11:42):
fabric of family life?
What boundaries would createspace for your growth without
abandoning your commitments?
And what does a day in yourideal life feel like?
And the do phase how can Ibecome more of me without
creating chaos or having myfamily feel as though they
aren't good enough?
This is where vision becomesaction, through intention, not
selfish action.
It's not about perfection.
(12:03):
It's about progression.
The do phase explores whatsmall daily habits reinforce
your reconnection, how can youcommunicate your needs with
confidence, not with an apology,and what support systems can
help me sustain yourtransformation.
Now let me share three insightsthat bridge the gap between the
old way of disappearing and thenew way of thriving.
First, you don't need to abandonyour life to reclaim yourself.
(12:24):
You need to redesign yourrelationship with it.
Think about it as a houserenovation.
You don't typically demolishthe entire structure.
You work with the good bones,improve the flow, update what's
dated and add touches that makeit unmistakably yours.
Your life is that house.
Your identity reawakens in thisrenovation.
Second, the identity crisisisn't about who you've lost.
(12:46):
It's about who you're becoming.
The emptiness you feel it's nota void.
It's space for growth.
Nature shows us this truth.
A seed needs space to grow intoa tree.
A butterfly needs the emptinessof a tree.
A tree needs of a chrysalis totransform.
What feels like a loss isactually potential.
Third, your worth was neverdependent on your roles.
It was always inherent in yourbeing.
(13:08):
You were worthy before youbecame a mother.
You were valuable before youbecame a wife, partner or
employee.
Those roles gave ways toexpress your love and talent,
but they didn't create yourvalue.
That's why the your Utmost LifeMethod doesn't treat your
identity as something defined.
We treat it as something todesign, because you're not
trying to be who you used to bein your early twenties.
(13:29):
You're designing the womanyou're becoming, a life that
encapsulates all of you andwhere you want to be.
Imagine waking up six monthsfrom now, feeling deeply
connected to yourself, excitedabout your days and confident in
your decisions, without guiltor apology.
Imagine being the woman yourfamily sees as a whole, not just
helpful.
That future isn't a fantasy.
It's waiting for you to claimit.
(13:49):
Now let's get practice.
How do you start reclaimingyourself after being invisible
for so long?
Here are three small but mightypractices to begin today.
First is the morning mirrorexercise.
It's 30 seconds daily.
Before you do anything foranyone else, look at yourself in
the mirror for 30 seconds, notto critique your appearance, but
to see yourself, make eyecontact with your reflection and
simply say hello, I see you.
(14:11):
Then ask what do you need todayand wait for an answer.
It might be small.
I need five minutes with mycoffee before everyone wakes up.
Honor that need, no matter howtiny.
The identity inventory is a 15minute and you only do it once.
Take a piece of paper and writedown every label, role or
identity that currentlydescribes you Mother, wife,
employee, cook, chauffeur,emergency response team,
(14:33):
whatever comes to mind.
Circle the ones you consciouslychose.
Put a star by the ones thatbring you joy.
Now add three roles oridentities you'd like to reclaim
or develop.
This isn't just an exercise,it's a declaration of your
multi-dimensional nature.
Third is the one decision rule,and this is ongoing Each day.
Make one decision based solelyon your desires, not on
(14:54):
efficiency or others' needs.
This could be as simple aschoosing the blue shirt because
you love the color, not becauseit hides stains better, or take
the scenic route home becausethe baby cows bring you joy,
even if it takes three minuteslonger.
These simple, small choicesrebuild your decision-making
muscles and reminds your brainthat you have a preference, a
voice, and that you matter.
Also, remember these aren'tassignments to complete.
(15:17):
They're invitations to returnto yourself.
There's no deadline on becomingwhole again, unlike most
identity work which tells you todig up your past.
The your Upmost Life methodhelps you design your future
starting with who you are rightnow.
When resistance rises and itwill remember, the discomfort
isn't a stop sign.
It's a signpost.
It means you're moving beyondthe familiar into the authentic.
(15:38):
Now I can already hear some ofyou thinking that sounds great
for the other woman.
But my situation is different.
Or I'm too far gone torediscover myself now, or maybe
my family needs me to stayexactly as I am.
Let me speak to those thoughtsdirectly.
First, you're right that yoursituation is unique.
Your path back to yourself willlook different from everyone
else's, but the principlesremain.
(15:58):
You deserve to be a wholeperson, not just a role.
Second, about the too latethought research on happiness
across the lifespan consistentlyshows that women in their 60s
and beyond report higher levelsof life satisfaction than women
in their 40s.
It's never too late to reclaimyour joy.
And third, regarding yourfamily needs what if the
greatest gift you could giveyour family isn't more of your
(16:21):
exhausted service, but yourauthentic presence?
What if they deserve the realyou, not just the role you play?
Here's a story I love.
A woman in her mid-50s hadraised three children as a
stay-at-home mom.
When her youngest left forcollege, she fell into a deep
depression.
She was convinced her life'spurpose was over.
During a session with hertherapist, she revealed that
before having children, shedreamed of being a landscape
(16:42):
designer.
That was so long ago.
She said it's too late now.
Her therapist asked will youstill be alive in four years?
I assume so.
She said.
Then you could get a degree inlandscaping design and still
have a 20-year career doing whatyou love.
Four years later, she openedher own landscaping design
business, not because sheabandoned her identity as a
mother, but because she expandedit to include the woman she had
(17:02):
always been.
You don't need anyone'spermission to evolve, but you do
need to give yourselfpermission to begin.
Today we've explored threetruths that can transform your
transition from invisible tovibrant.
The identity loss isn't the endof your story.
It's actually the beginning ofa more authentic chapter.
Two you don't have to choosebetween service and self.
They can beautifully coexist.
(17:24):
Three this season isn't yourconclusion.
It is your commencement.
If you keep waiting for theright time to rediscover
yourself, another year mightpass as you continue wondering
where you went.
But if you choose to see thistransition as your
transformation point, next yearat this time you could be living
as the most authentic versionof yourself.
Yet so what do you choose?
Another season of waiting forlife to happen to you, or one
(17:46):
brave step toward designing thelife you truly want.
Your first step can be sosimple.
Download it at your utmost selfdot com forward slash alignment
check-in.
It's a five-minuteself-discovery tool that will
help you identify exactly whereyou are in your journey of
alignment, and with one smallaction, you can take this week
(18:07):
to move towards your mostauthentic self.
I designed this toolspecifically for women who feel
disconnected from themselves butaren't sure where to start
reconnecting.
It's the same framework I usedin my own journey back to
myself, and I'm sharing it withyou because I know how powerful
that first step can be.
When you download the check-in,you'll be part of a community
of women ready to walk the samepath of reclamation and redesign
(18:29):
.
There's something powerfulabout not walking alone.
Share your biggest takeaway fromtoday's episodes in your
stories and tag me.
Use hashtag utmost rising so Ican find it.
We can start creating amovement of women committed to
being fully seen in ourmultidimensional glory.
If this episode resonated, I'dbe so grateful if you'd leave a
review sharing which part of ithit home.
(18:49):
Your words help other womenfind this message right when
they need it most.
Next week's episode will bepowerful, continuing today's
conversation what to do when youwant a new chapter but don't
know who you are anymore.
Without waiting for a sign or abreakdown, explore how
uncertainty doesn't disqualifyyou from moving forward.
It can actually become thelaunching pad for your most
(19:09):
aligned life.
Remember you weren't meant todisappear as your next chapter
begins.
You were meant to emerge.
Thank you for spending thistime with me today.
Until next week, I'm Misty andthis is your utmost life podcast
.
Have you ever found yourself alone in your own house
, quiet, still surrounded bythings you've chosen, yet
suddenly feel like a stranger inyour own life?
Not because something bighappened, but because nothing
has the rhythm of everyoneelse's needs, schedules and
routines.
It's been your metronome foryears and now, as the noise
fades, so does your sense ofself.
(00:21):
You wonder where did I go?
That question might seem small,but it's one of the most
profound things you'll ever askyourself.
It's not about starting over.
It's about waking up, and todayI want to help you do just that
.
Right now, right where you are,we're going to explore how to
reclaim the truest, most genuineparts of you without blowing up
(00:42):
your life, walking away fromyour family or waiting for some
magical sign to tell you it'stime.
Motherhood is a gift, but let'sbe honest it can also leave you
feeling overwhelmed, invisibleand disconnected from the woman
you once were.
If you ever wondered, who am Ibeyond being a mom, know this
you are not alone.
Welcome to your utmost life.
(01:02):
I'm Misty, a mom just like you,who has faced chaos, self-doubt
and the loss of identity,hitting rock bottom and emerging
stronger, with clarity,confidence and purpose.
Each week, we will explorepractical tools and
transformative truths to helpyou reclaim your identity,
rebuild your confidence andrediscover the joy that lights
you up.
On this journey together,you'll break free from overwhelm
(01:25):
, embrace your worth and stepfully into the most authentic
version of yourself.
Through heartfelt conversationsand actionable strategies, you
will learn how to design a lifethat excites and fulfills you, a
life where you become the womanyou were always meant to be,
because you're not just a mom.
You are so much more, and ifyou're ready to embrace her,
let's get started.
According to Motherly State ofMotherhood Survey, 71% of moms
(01:48):
report being most stronglydefined by their roles as
mothers.
For those who aren't in theworkforce, that number jumps to
a staggering 87%.
There's nothing wrong withdeeply identifying with
motherhood, but what happenswhen that role shifts, when it
no longer demands theall-consuming focus it once did?
If you felt lost, with zeroidentity outside of being a mom
(02:09):
and wife, if every role you playrevolves around meeting someone
else's needs, if you feel moreinvisible by the day, if you've
ever thought this season shouldfeel like freedom, but it feels
more like free falling.
Today's episode is deeplypersonal because it's about that
moment when you look in themirror and realize you've become
a supporting character in yourown journey and, more
importantly, it's about how tostep back into the lead role
(02:32):
without guilt, without drama andwithout waiting for permission.
Most women don't even realizethey're suffering from what I
call the invisible mama syndrome, the outward symptoms of a
deeper, more dangerous rootissue the identity eraser effect
.
And let me be clear, this isn'tabout failure.
It's about a slow, silentunraveling of self-worth that
happens over time, when yourvalue is measured solely by how
(02:54):
well you show up for others andnever by how deeply you know,
trust and honor yourself.
In fact, research shows that ittakes most mothers 18 to 24
months to successfullytransition from being a primary
caregiver to reclaiming theiridentity as independent women
after their children leave home.
That's not just a gap, that isa vulnerable identity void.
But you're not alone, you'renot behind.
(03:16):
You're exactly where yourtransformation begins.
I want to take you back to amoment in my own story.
It was shortly after we movedfrom Montana to Houston, a move
we had prayed about and believedin.
We were full of hope a new home, new roles, new schools for
kids, new everything.
In those early months I didwhat I had always done I made
sure everyone was taken care of,so they felt secure, like it
(03:36):
was home and they could beconfident in their new situation
.
I got the kids' school situated, found a new church, scheduled
the vet appointments for thedogs and figured out the grocery
stores and memorized everyone'snew schedule.
I felt like I was doing a goodjob.
Friends would say Misty, you'reamazing, how do you manage it
all?
And I'd smile, nod and maybeeven feel a little spark of
pride.
But here's the thing that noone tells you you can excel at
(03:59):
supporting everyone else andstill slowly disappear.
I realized it as I was settingthe table for dinner one night.
I had only laid out threeplates, not because I had
forgotten someone, but because Ididn't count myself.
That moment broke me in a soft,quiet way.
I stood there trying to figureout what was wrong with the
table.
Something seemed to be missingand the answer was me.
(04:19):
I started to see it everywhere.
I couldn't answer basicquestions like what do you want
to do today Without defaultingto what others might need?
I had a closet full of clothesthat worked for everyone else's
events, but nothing that feltlike me.
I become this well-oiledmachine of management and care,
and I couldn't remember the lasttime I had felt joy, just for
me.
It wasn't just a little bit ofdepression, it was burnout.
(04:41):
I was invisible living.
Research on empty nest syndromeshows it's linked to the absence
of alternative roles for theparent in which they could
establish their identity.
In other words, if being momwas your whole identity, what
happens when that rolefundamentally changes?
The scariest part I was reallygood at it.
I could manage, organize,anticipate needs and keep
(05:02):
everything running smoothly, andI was so proud of myself.
But somewhere along the way Ihad confused efficiency with
purpose and I had mistaken beingneeded for being fulfilled.
I remember sitting in my carafter dropping the kids off at
school one morning, just sittingthere in the parking lot, and I
couldn't think of a singleplace I wanted to go.
That was just for me.
Every destination in my mentalmap was tied to someone else's
(05:24):
needs the grocery store, the drycleaners, the post office all
errands for other people.
That's when it hit me I hadbecome the ultimate support
system, but I had no systemsupporting me.
This wasn't about being a badmom or an unhappy wife.
It was about losing touch withthe woman who existed beyond
those roles, the woman who haddreams that weren't just about
(05:44):
her children's futures, thewoman who had preferences,
desires and a voice that wasn'tjust used to call everyone to
dinner, and maybe you knowexactly what I mean.
Maybe you're sitting in yourcar right now listening to this
and feeling that uncomfortablerecognition.
Maybe you're in your kitchensurrounded by the evidence of a
life you've built, but no longerrecognizing it as yours, and
(06:04):
maybe you're walking throughyour neighborhood trying to
remember the last time you didsomething, just because it
brought you joy.
According to research, whenparents experience emptiness
syndrome, it frequently resultsin depression and a loss of
purpose.
But what I'm going to suggesttoday is that this moment of
identity crisis isn't somethingto fear.
It's actually a doorway tosomething beautiful, if we have
(06:24):
the courage to walk through it.
What if I told you that thevery skills that made you an
exceptional mother anticipatingneeds, creating stability and
putting others first are thesame skills that have kept you
invisible in your own life?
This isn't your fault.
We live in a culture thatpractically sanctifies maternal
sacrifice.
We're told that good mothersput themselves last and that
selfishness is the ultimatevirtue.
(06:46):
And while there's truth in thebeauty of giving to others, what
happens when giving becomeserasing.
Studies show that between 40and 50 year olds, women's
happiness tends to bottom outbefore beginning to rise again.
This is the U-shaped curve ofhappiness that researchers have
documented across cultures.
The good news there's anupswing coming, but we don't
(07:10):
have to wait passively for it.
We can actively create it.
So many women believe thatchange in the season equals
chaos.
That if you start prioritizingyour needs, your family will
fall apart.
That wanting more means you'reungrateful or not enough.
But this belief system is partof the identity eraser effect a
slow, invisible unraveling ofyour self-worth.
You think you're keeping thepeace, but you're actually
maintaining your own eraser.
I used to call it theinvisibility maintenance
(07:31):
strategy, but it's really justone of the many ways the
identity eraser effects keep yousmall and stuck.
Think about it this way Wouldyou ever tell your daughter that
she should disappear once shebecomes a mother?
Would you counsel your bestfriend to dim her light so
others could shine?
No, you'd probably tell themboth that they deserve to be
whole people and that motherhoodshould add to their identity,
(07:52):
not erase it.
So why do we accept a differentstandard for ourselves?
The truth is that reclaimingyourself isn't requiring
demolition.
You don't need to blow up yourmarriage, quit your job or move
to another country.
Those are the desperatemeasures people take when
they've been invisible for toolong.
What you need to do isreconnection, not reconstruction
.
Research has debunked the myththat midlife transitions require
(08:13):
dramatic upheaval.
In fact, a study found thatonly 23% of the people reported
experiencing what they call thatmidlife transitions require
dramatic upheaval.
In fact, a study found thatonly 23% of the people reported
experiencing what they call amidlife crisis, and of those,
only one third just 8% of thetotal said that the crisis was
related to aging itself.
The rest simply experiencedmajor life transitions that they
navigated without dramaticupheaval.
(08:34):
Here are three myths that keepwomen in the fog of invisible
living.
Myth one if I feel this lost, Imust just need to blow it all
up.
This belief whispers.
Something must be wrong with mylife.
I need a dramatic reset, butthat's simply not true.
Sometimes, what you need isn'tdeconstruction, it's attention.
Reconnection doesn't meanstarting over.
(08:55):
It means coming home toyourself and the life you've
already have.
Myth two I should just begrateful.
This one's sneaky.
It sounds virtuous.
And listen.
I am grateful, grateful for myfamily, my home, my
opportunities.
There aren't words to expressthe love and gratitude I have.
But gratitude is not a muzzle.
You can love your life andstill want to grow.
(09:17):
Just like we remodel our homeswithout moving, you are allowed
to renovate your soul.
Myth three it's too late.
Please hear me on this.
It is never too late to becomewho you were always meant to be.
Identity isn't static.
You are not behind, you are inprocess, and that means right
(09:37):
now is the perfect time toreturn to yourself.
The Washington Post featured anarticle in which one woman
described her midlife awakening.
She said, even though on thesurface it looked like I was all
in as a mother, I had beenresisting my motherhood and
trying to escape it, to findmyself.
But I didn't need to escape mychildren or my role as a mother
to solve my identity crisis.
(09:58):
I needed to accept my childrenand my role as a mother, our
interconnectedness, more deeply.
That's the beautiful paradoxhere.
Reclaiming yourself isn't aboutabandoning your roles.
It's about inhibiting them morefully, consciously and with
more of you in them.
So where have you been waitingfor permission to change?
And what if the consent you'reseeking can only come from you?
(10:18):
The journey back to yourselfisn't a straight line.
It's not a five-step processyou can check off and be done
with.
It's a waking up, a gradualrevealing of the woman who's
always been there all along.
That's why I developed the yourUpmost Life Method.
It's a framework for womenready to reclaim themselves
without starting over.
This isn't about adding more toyour plate.
It's about making room for whatmatters most.
(10:40):
The your Upmost Life Methodwalks you through three phases
that turn this transition intotransformation.
Discover, design and do.
These aren't just linear stepsto success.
They're seasons of self-return.
Let's break them down.
Discover who am I, beyond theroles I've played.
This is about peeling back thelayers of expectations and
labels and automatic behaviorsto find your core truth.
(11:00):
It's not archaeology, it'shomecoming.
In the discover phase, we diveinto questions like what were
your dreams before the needs ofeveryone else becoming your
primary focus?
What activities used to lightyou up before efficiency became
your main goal?
What values guide you, separateyou from what society says?
A good mom, wife, woman shouldvalue.
(11:22):
Research from the SeattleMidlife Women's Health Study
found that women's identifiedrediscovering self as one of the
most challenging aspects ofmidlife.
It's challenging preciselybecause it's essential.
The second phase is design.
What does life look like whenaligned with who you truly are.
This is where you create avision based on your values, not
your history.
It's not selfish.
It's sustainable.
The questions include how canyou weave your needs into the
(11:42):
fabric of family life?
What boundaries would createspace for your growth without
abandoning your commitments?
And what does a day in yourideal life feel like?
And the do phase how can Ibecome more of me without
creating chaos or having myfamily feel as though they
aren't good enough?
This is where vision becomesaction, through intention, not
selfish action.
It's not about perfection.
(12:03):
It's about progression.
The do phase explores whatsmall daily habits reinforce
your reconnection, how can youcommunicate your needs with
confidence, not with an apology,and what support systems can
help me sustain yourtransformation.
Now let me share three insightsthat bridge the gap between the
old way of disappearing and thenew way of thriving.
First, you don't need to abandonyour life to reclaim yourself.
(12:24):
You need to redesign yourrelationship with it.
Think about it as a houserenovation.
You don't typically demolishthe entire structure.
You work with the good bones,improve the flow, update what's
dated and add touches that makeit unmistakably yours.
Your life is that house.
Your identity reawakens in thisrenovation.
Second, the identity crisisisn't about who you've lost.
(12:46):
It's about who you're becoming.
The emptiness you feel it's nota void.
It's space for growth.
Nature shows us this truth.
A seed needs space to grow intoa tree.
A butterfly needs the emptinessof a tree.
A tree needs of a chrysalis totransform.
What feels like a loss isactually potential.
Third, your worth was neverdependent on your roles.
It was always inherent in yourbeing.
(13:08):
You were worthy before youbecame a mother.
You were valuable before youbecame a wife, partner or
employee.
Those roles gave ways toexpress your love and talent,
but they didn't create yourvalue.
That's why the your Utmost LifeMethod doesn't treat your
identity as something defined.
We treat it as something todesign, because you're not
trying to be who you used to bein your early twenties.
(13:29):
You're designing the womanyou're becoming, a life that
encapsulates all of you andwhere you want to be.
Imagine waking up six monthsfrom now, feeling deeply
connected to yourself, excitedabout your days and confident in
your decisions, without guiltor apology.
Imagine being the woman yourfamily sees as a whole, not just
helpful.
That future isn't a fantasy.
It's waiting for you to claimit.
(13:49):
Now let's get practice.
How do you start reclaimingyourself after being invisible
for so long?
Here are three small but mightypractices to begin today.
First is the morning mirrorexercise.
It's 30 seconds daily.
Before you do anything foranyone else, look at yourself in
the mirror for 30 seconds, notto critique your appearance, but
to see yourself, make eyecontact with your reflection and
simply say hello, I see you.
(14:11):
Then ask what do you need todayand wait for an answer.
It might be small.
I need five minutes with mycoffee before everyone wakes up.
Honor that need, no matter howtiny.
The identity inventory is a 15minute and you only do it once.
Take a piece of paper and writedown every label, role or
identity that currentlydescribes you Mother, wife,
employee, cook, chauffeur,emergency response team,
(14:33):
whatever comes to mind.
Circle the ones you consciouslychose.
Put a star by the ones thatbring you joy.
Now add three roles oridentities you'd like to reclaim
or develop.
This isn't just an exercise,it's a declaration of your
multi-dimensional nature.
Third is the one decision rule,and this is ongoing Each day.
Make one decision based solelyon your desires, not on
(14:54):
efficiency or others' needs.
This could be as simple aschoosing the blue shirt because
you love the color, not becauseit hides stains better, or take
the scenic route home becausethe baby cows bring you joy,
even if it takes three minuteslonger.
These simple, small choicesrebuild your decision-making
muscles and reminds your brainthat you have a preference, a
voice, and that you matter.
Also, remember these aren'tassignments to complete.
(15:17):
They're invitations to returnto yourself.
There's no deadline on becomingwhole again, unlike most
identity work which tells you todig up your past.
The your Upmost Life methodhelps you design your future
starting with who you are rightnow.
When resistance rises and itwill remember, the discomfort
isn't a stop sign.
It's a signpost.
It means you're moving beyondthe familiar into the authentic.
(15:38):
Now I can already hear some ofyou thinking that sounds great
for the other woman.
But my situation is different.
Or I'm too far gone torediscover myself now, or maybe
my family needs me to stayexactly as I am.
Let me speak to those thoughtsdirectly.
First, you're right that yoursituation is unique.
Your path back to yourself willlook different from everyone
else's, but the principlesremain.
(15:58):
You deserve to be a wholeperson, not just a role.
Second, about the too latethought research on happiness
across the lifespan consistentlyshows that women in their 60s
and beyond report higher levelsof life satisfaction than women
in their 40s.
It's never too late to reclaimyour joy.
And third, regarding yourfamily needs what if the
greatest gift you could giveyour family isn't more of your
(16:21):
exhausted service, but yourauthentic presence?
What if they deserve the realyou, not just the role you play?
Here's a story I love.
A woman in her mid-50s hadraised three children as a
stay-at-home mom.
When her youngest left forcollege, she fell into a deep
depression.
She was convinced her life'spurpose was over.
During a session with hertherapist, she revealed that
before having children, shedreamed of being a landscape
(16:42):
designer.
That was so long ago.
She said it's too late now.
Her therapist asked will youstill be alive in four years?
I assume so.
She said.
Then you could get a degree inlandscaping design and still
have a 20-year career doing whatyou love.
Four years later, she openedher own landscaping design
business, not because sheabandoned her identity as a
mother, but because she expandedit to include the woman she had
(17:02):
always been.
You don't need anyone'spermission to evolve, but you do
need to give yourselfpermission to begin.
Today we've explored threetruths that can transform your
transition from invisible tovibrant.
The identity loss isn't the endof your story.
It's actually the beginning ofa more authentic chapter.
Two you don't have to choosebetween service and self.
They can beautifully coexist.
(17:24):
Three this season isn't yourconclusion.
It is your commencement.
If you keep waiting for theright time to rediscover
yourself, another year mightpass as you continue wondering
where you went.
But if you choose to see thistransition as your
transformation point, next yearat this time you could be living
as the most authentic versionof yourself.
Yet so what do you choose?
Another season of waiting forlife to happen to you, or one
(17:46):
brave step toward designing thelife you truly want.
Your first step can be sosimple.
Download it at your utmost selfdot com forward slash alignment
check-in.
It's a five-minuteself-discovery tool that will
help you identify exactly whereyou are in your journey of
alignment, and with one smallaction, you can take this week
(18:07):
to move towards your mostauthentic self.
I designed this toolspecifically for women who feel
disconnected from themselves butaren't sure where to start
reconnecting.
It's the same framework I usedin my own journey back to
myself, and I'm sharing it withyou because I know how powerful
that first step can be.
When you download the check-in,you'll be part of a community
of women ready to walk the samepath of reclamation and redesign
(18:29):
.
There's something powerfulabout not walking alone.
Share your biggest takeaway fromtoday's episodes in your
stories and tag me.
Use hashtag utmost rising so Ican find it.
We can start creating amovement of women committed to
being fully seen in ourmultidimensional glory.
If this episode resonated, I'dbe so grateful if you'd leave a
review sharing which part of ithit home.
(18:49):
Your words help other womenfind this message right when
they need it most.
Next week's episode will bepowerful, continuing today's
conversation what to do when youwant a new chapter but don't
know who you are anymore.
Without waiting for a sign or abreakdown, explore how
uncertainty doesn't disqualifyyou from moving forward.
It can actually become thelaunching pad for your most
(19:09):
aligned life.
Remember you weren't meant todisappear as your next chapter
begins.
You were meant to emerge.
Thank you for spending thistime with me today.
Until next week, I'm Misty andthis is your utmost life podcast
.
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