September 10, 2025 • 23 mins
"Strategic Selfishness vs. Constant Sacrifice: The Debate That's Keeping You Invisible"
Are you caught in the impossible choice between being a "good mom" and honoring yourself? This episode puts an end to that exhausting debate once and for all.
In this episode, you'll discover:
- Why 93% of mothers feel burned out (and it's not what you think)
- The hidden cost of constant self-sacrifice on your marriage and kids
- What Michelle Obama knows about motherhood that most moms miss
- The "garden analogy" that will completely shift how you see your role
- 4 simple, 30-second practices to start your transformation today
If you're the mom who: ✓ Manages 20+ family passwords and everyone's schedules ✓ Feels proud of "doing it all" but cries in the shower ✓ Puts everyone else first yet feels invisible in your own life ✓ Wonders if taking time for yourself makes you selfish
...then this episode is your wake-up call.
The truth? Neither extreme sacrifice nor pure selfishness creates thriving families. What does work is Strategic Selfishness - being intentional about when to give and when to receive so you can love from abundance, not depletion.
Stop teaching your children that love requires self-erasure. Start showing them what a fulfilled, whole woman looks like.
Ready to transform from Invisible Mama to Utmost Woman? This episode gives you the roadmap.
This is episode 2 in the "6 Major Mom Mistakes" series - your guide to reclaiming who you are beyond mom and wife.
📲What would it be like to empower a friend who needs to hear this, letting her know she’s not alone in her struggles? Share this episode today.
🔗 Follow for daily encouragement and behind-the-scenes heart-to-hearts: @yourutmostself
🎧 What would happen if you never missed a conversation that powerfully reminds you of who you truly are? Subscribe to the podcast now.
✨ How could you continue your journey of self-discovery and empowerment with free resources, articles, and more? Visit Your Utmost Self to explore.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Did you know that 93% of mothers feel burned out?
Today, 79% of working momsstruggle with extreme anxiety
over the expectations they'retrying to meet and 66% say
they're not mentally healthy,with nearly half seeking therapy
.
It's no wonder You're waking upafter only five hours of sleep,
(00:22):
already feeling behind becauseyour mind is racing through
today's endless logistics beforeyour feet even hit the ground.
Welcome to the second episodein this brand new series focused
on reclaiming who you are,beyond just a wife and mom.
If you are feeling invisible,unseen, undervalued and
disconnected, not just fromthose you love but from yourself
.
If you're doing everything foreveryone but feel like not just
(00:43):
from those you love but fromyourself.
If you're doing everything foreveryone but feel like no one
truly sees you, if you feeldetached from the woman you are
beyond mom and wife what I callthe invisible mama then this
series is for you.
In the first episode, weuncovered something you probably
never even realized.
You're doing a hidden patternthat's causing your
(01:05):
disconnection, invisibility andthose overwhelming feelings of
being used up and past yourprime.
Today we're tackling a powerfuldebate strategic selfishness
versus constant sacrifice.
This is a big one.
Some people are all aboutself-sacrifice and believe
anything less is selfish.
Others argue that selfishnessis vital for success.
(01:28):
There's a constant back andforth, people pointing out
there's a problem with this oneand an issue with that one.
Well, today we're putting itinto that debate.
I'm going to break down whatyou should be doing based on my
own 15 years of experience.
A marriage once on the brink ofdivorce, relationships with my
kids I thought were broken andstepping into a new environment
(01:51):
that seemed to steal all thedreams I held and a boatload of
lies I believed as gospel truth.
But today my marriage has neverbeen stronger.
My relationships with my kidsare filled with respect, love
and connection.
I've achieved dreams I haveheld to for 23 years, and even
some I didn't fully imagineuntil just a few years ago, and
(02:13):
through all of that I havelearned so much.
That's exactly what thisepisode is here for to break
down what I've learned and sharewhat I would advise.
If you're questioning yourpurpose beyond being a mom and a
wife, or if you've even brokendown in tears in the shower
because you don't feel trulyvalued by your family, despite
(02:34):
everything you do for everyoneevery single day, if any of that
resonates with you, I amwilling to bet you might be
erasing yourself from your ownlife, and today we are going to
help you fix that.
So keep listening.
Do you ever catch a glimpse ofyourself in the mirror and
barely recognize that womanstaring back?
The woman who once dreamed big,burned with passion and had a
(02:55):
purpose beyond meeting everyoneelse's needs?
Hi, I'm Misty Chelley, and thisis your Utmost Life the podcast
for moms who feel guilty forwanting more or can't remember
the last time they truly feltlike themselves.
If you're tired of feelinginvisible, overwhelmed and
stretched too thin, then you'vecome to the right place.
Here we will explore how toreclaim your identity beyond mom
(03:18):
and wife.
Prioritize your needs withoutguilt and live your life to the
utmost, because here's the truth.
You're not just everything toeveryone.
You are a unique, powerfulwoman with dreams that matter,
goals that count and a voicethat deserves to be heard.
It's time to move fromsurviving to thriving, without
guilt, overwhelm or upheaval.
(03:39):
Become an utmost woman whodoesn't just exist.
She designs her life withintention, creates meaningful
impact and shows up as her full,authentic self in every area of
her life.
So stick around, we're justgetting started.
Hello and welcome to anotherepisode of your Upmost Life
Podcast.
Today we're diving into episodetwo of my new series called the
(04:01):
Six Major Mom Mistakes and howto fix them.
These are the most commonmistakes I see moms making and,
honestly, mistakes I made myselffor years.
These habits leave us feelinginvisible, undervalued, stressed
out, worn down and disconnected, not just from those that we
love but from ourselves.
They cause us to move throughlife on autopilot, feeling worn
(04:25):
out, used up and, quite frankly,longing for something more, but
not exactly sure what morereally means.
Today we're diving into a hotdebate strategic selfishness
versus constant sacrifice.
It's a pretty big topic atleast that's how it feels and
it's one that seems to begrowing because everyone
believes their way of handlingit is the right way.
(04:45):
So the question is is a momsacrifice the true mark of a
great mom, or is taking time forherself actually selfish?
You hear voices saying thatgood mothers sacrifice
everything for their children.
Others say that kids need to befiguring it out on their own
sink or swim with a hands-offapproach.
Some moms believe thatmotherhood must involve
(05:09):
sacrifice, pain and exhaustion,that if you're not worn down and
miserable, you're somehow notdoing it right.
Meanwhile, there's others thatfill their calendars with me
time girls, weekends, datenights, mani-pedis, massages and
retail therapy, because theybelieve they deserve it.
Let's start at the beginning.
When we start dating someone,we feel that spark.
(05:31):
We decide to get married, starta family and build a life
together.
None of us plan for a journeythat consumes decades of our
lives, with chronic sleepdeprivation, constant
frustrations, stress, headaches,bickering and disconnection
from our purpose.
We don't imagine a life whereit feels like we're just
existing under the same roofwith our partner and where life
(05:52):
seems meaningless beyond endlessbusyness.
How we, as moms, navigate thegap between that original dream
and the reality we live is wherethings differ.
Every mom wants to be seen assuperwoman by those that she
loves.
We wear that title like a badgeof honor, a sign that we've
done the job well, that we'vebecome the perfect mom and wife.
(06:13):
Some moms take pride in handlingit all, setting aside their own
needs for the sake of theirfamilies, always putting
everyone else first.
They feel that if they're notconstantly giving, they're being
selfish.
You might feel that taking timefor yourself means taking away
from your family, that there'stoo much to do and you have to
do it all for them.
I've been there doing it all,feeling proud that I was doing
(06:34):
better than those who weren'tyet.
Finding myself crying in theshower, lying awake at night,
feeling like I wasn't goodenough, like I wasn't living up
to who I thought I should be,feeling as though my marriage
was falling apart.
My kids only needed me to dothings for them, and I was
becoming used up and invisiblein my own life.
I was doing everything right,but I had become what I now call
(06:57):
the invisible mama, doingeverything for everyone but
feeling completely unseen in myown life.
You're the meal planner, thebanker, the grocery runner, the
online researcher for everyfamily need, and your idea of
relaxation is coordinating nextweek's schedule plans and all
the household errands.
Maybe you have more than 20different passwords to your
(07:18):
family's accounts that youmanage.
Maybe you're juggling 10 ormore upcoming appointments and
deadlines on your mentalcalendar.
You're constantly in solve itmode, handling what feels like
urgent emergencies or mentallypreparing plans for things that
might happen.
You become the go-to serviceprovider for everything in the
household and for every familymember.
Let's be honest there aremoments of pride in knowing you
(07:40):
are not like other moms whodon't do everything you do.
You sacrifice so much and youtake pride in handling it all,
so no one has to worry.
You rarely ask for help, keepthe family running smoothly and
always put everyone else first,but because of that, most days
you're mentally overloaded,struggling with brain fog.
You feel overwhelmed at leasttwice a week.
(08:00):
Moments of resentment hit atleast once a month and you feel
taken for granted at least twicea week, and chronic fatigue has
become your norm.
You have lost sight of what youactually want and need.
Is self-sacrifice really thegold standard of being a good
mom?
Look, I completely understandwhy you believe that, and that
is okay.
We've been told for generationsthat sacrificing ourselves is
(08:23):
the truest form of love and thatall good mothers put their
children first.
I get it deeply.
I felt the same way.
I believed that my childrenwere a blessing from heaven and
that it was my job to doeverything in my power to make
sure that they had everythingthey needed, that I couldn't
fail them in any way and thatthey should know without a
shadow of a doubt how much Iloved them.
(08:45):
But let me ask you this Doesshowing love mean completely
erasing your own needs anddesires?
When you love someone, does itmean giving them all of who you
are, so they become the entirecenter of your existence.
Is that truly the message thatyou want to teach your daughter
about what love looks like?
Is that what you want your sonto believe that women in his
(09:06):
life should do if they reallylove him?
If my daughter came to me andsaid her boyfriend told her that
he loved her and that to proveher love she needed to give up
her friends, stop doing thingsthat she loved and give all of
herself to him, what I say yes,dear, that seems reasonable.
If you love him, you totallyshould do that.
I won't swear right now, buthonestly, just saying that out
(09:28):
loud makes my blood boil.
There is no way I would eversay that was true love or what
love really means.
And yet that's exactly what Iwas unintentionally teaching her
.
I stopped doing the things Iloved.
I watched friendships slowlyfade.
I canceled appointments formyself not the fun ones, but
important ones like doctor'svisits.
I took on everything runningthe household, managing every
(09:51):
schedule mine, theirs, even myhusband's all on my calendar.
I stressed over their tasks,their assignments, their job.
I carried the weight ofeveryone's happiness.
Even a small sigh ofdisappointment would send me
into fix-it mode immediately.
I was determined to make sureevery member of my family knew
they could count on me foranything, anytime that I would
(10:13):
drop everything to ensure theirhappiness and needs were met, so
that they never had to worryabout a thing Mama would take
care of it.
But let me ask you this Doesevery mother who sacrifices
everything about herself, givingup all she is to focus on her
children and husband, actuallyhave a great marriage and
thriving kids?
The answer is no.
But let's consider MichelleObama, former first lady
(10:36):
attorney, author, mother of twoand married for over 30 years.
She famously said for me, beinga mother made me a better
professional because coming homeevery night to my girls
reminded me what I was workingfor.
And being a professional mademe a better mother because by
pursuing my dreams I was workingfor.
And being a professional mademe a better mother because by
pursuing my dreams, I wasmodeling for my girls how to
pursue their dreams.
(10:58):
To be a good parent, you need totake care of yourself so you
can have the physical andemotional energy to take care of
your family.
You have spent years settingyourself aside your wants, needs
, dreams, opinions and hobbies,all in the name of being a good
mom, yet you feel disconnectedfrom your husband, like a
service provider to yourchildren and a stranger to
(11:18):
yourself.
If this is the road that you'vebeen driving down, where do you
think it will lead in the nextfive to 10 years?
Do you truly believe yourmarriage will grow stronger,
that your relationship with yourkids will become less about
what you do for them, and thatyou will remember who you are
beyond being a mom and a wife?
I promise I'm not judging.
You have my deepest empathy.
I spent over a decade in theexact same boat and, honestly,
(11:47):
sometimes my instinct is to findback right in that boat.
Michelle Obama is a perfectexample of the utmost woman.
She raised two daughters whoare thriving, sustained a loving
marriage for over 30 years andnever stopped embracing who she
is.
So let me ask you this what isthe outcome of being a good mom?
I'm not asking what a good momdoes, but rather what
experiences occur.
What behaviors do our childrenportray?
What results do we see?
(12:09):
How do we feel?
What qualities will yourchildren display that confirm
they were raised by a good mom?
Good parenting and a positivehome environment usually lead to
though not always, since freewill does play a role that leads
to children who grew up withthese qualities they have
confidence to navigate the worldindependently, the ability to
manage their daily lives withoutconstant help, healthy coping
(12:31):
mechanisms for stress, skills toregulate their own emotions,
respect for themselves andothers, compassion and empathy
toward others, the ability tobuild healthy romantic
relationships, strongcommunication and conflict
resolution skills, deep familyconnections, a desire to
contribute positively to society, the courage to live
(12:52):
authentically as themselves, andbasic life management skills
like cooking, cleaning andorganization.
What many moms don't realize isthat by constantly doing
everything for their childrenand sacrificing themselves,
they're actually holding backthese very outcomes.
When children see their mothersalways putting herself last,
they learn that self-sacrificeequals love.
(13:14):
When there are no boundaries,they allow you to care for
yourself.
They don't learn to respectothers' limits.
And when you handle all oftheir problems, even those that
haven't happened yet, they don'tdevelop their own
problem-solving skills.
The truth is, when you're burntout, exhausted and carrying a
little resentment, your childreninternalize that adulthood is
miserable.
(13:34):
They come to believe thatmarriage means losing yourself,
that it's a one-sided sacrificewhere one gives and the other
takes.
Daughters often replicate thissame pattern of self-erasure,
believing that good women mustsacrifice everything for others.
Sons may grow up expectingfuture partners to serve them
the way their mother did, neverlearning what it means to be an
(13:54):
equal partner in a relationship.
The sad truth is that the verybehaviors that make women feel
like good mothers constantsacrifice, no boundaries, doing
everything for everyone areactually stopping their children
from becoming the healthy,independent and confident adults
they want them to be.
So how do we transform from aninvisible mama into what I call
the utmost woman, someone whohas a thriving family, a strong
(14:18):
and respectful marriage filledwith intimacy and sustainability
, quality relationships withtheir children and a solid
foundation of self?
The answer is simple but vitalFocusing on your needs is
essential.
Now wait Before you tune me out.
Hear me out.
We all know that being theparent who puts themselves above
everyone else does not lead tochildren who are able to make
(14:39):
good decisions on their own,confident, with healthy
self-esteem and self-worth,emotionally resilient to handle
setbacks, skilled at regulatingtheir own emotions, able to form
and maintain meaningfulfriendships, capable of loving
and being loved, connectingstrongly to their family.
What I'm saying is thisstrategic selfishness is the
vital attribute for being a goodmom, an amazing wife and,
(15:01):
ultimately, an utmost woman.
On the flip side.
Parents operating from pureself-focused mindset often raise
kids who feel guilty, beratethemselves, lose confidence and
self-esteem, develop fears,mistrust others, struggle with
commitment and much, much more.
(15:22):
So we can agree that simplydemonstrating selfishness
doesn't create the outcomes wewant for our children as they
grow into adults, and we canagree that constant
self-sacrifice hasn't workedeither.
It also fails to produce thosedesired outcomes.
So what can we do to create athriving family, a strong and
respectful marriage filled withintimacy and sustainability,
quality relationships with ourchildren and a solid foundation
of self.
Children who thrive as adultsusually have mothers who model
(15:45):
self-respect and set clearboundaries.
Show what a fulfilled wholewoman looks like.
Allow children to experiencenatural consequences,
demonstrate they are worthy ofcare and attention to, and teach
that love doesn't requireself-erasure.
A thriving marriage requirestwo whole people, not one
sacrificing themselves for theother.
It needs a dynamic where bothpartners are valued, contribute
(16:09):
equally and grow together.
This is what it means to be theutmost woman.
When you become your utmostself, you actually serve your
family better.
When you step into your utmostself, you bring your very best
to your marriage.
It becomes a place of mutualrespect, genuine intimacy,
sustainable love and deepconnection between two partners.
You are no longer operatingfrom depletion, resentment or
(16:30):
the need to prove your worththrough sacrifice.
When you become your utmostself, you teach your children
far more about thrivingadulthood than constant
self-sacrifice ever could.
Your strategically selfishapproach to how you live each
day helps prevent negativeoutcomes by maintaining healthy
family dynamics.
Think of motherhood liketending the most important
garden of your life, your family.
(16:52):
Imagine a master,self-sacrificing gardener who
gives every drop of water, everynutrient, every moment of
sunlight to her prized roses,while completely neglecting the
other flowers in her garden.
At first, the roses bloombeautifully.
Everyone admires her sacrifice.
But over time weeds begin toinvade her other flowers.
(17:13):
The flowers no longer grow,they begin to wilt.
The soil becomes depleted,cracked and barren.
Eventually even the roses beginto wilt, because the entire
ecosystem, the family, needscare to thrive.
The gardener now, exhausted,stands amidst a greenhouse that
once bloomed with life, only tofind the beauty she fought so
hard for slipping away.
(17:33):
There's another gardener whoselfishly hoards all the water
and nutrients just for herself,creating a lush, vibrant spot
that seems like a paradise inthe middle of the garden.
But while her little oasisthrives, the rest of the garden
withers and suffers, starved ofwhat it needs to flourish.
Her selfishness builds abeautiful illusion a stunning
(17:55):
spot surrounded by barren earth.
Yet beneath the surface she istrapped, surrounded by creeping
weeds, ravenous bugs and theslow rod of decay that no one
else sees.
The wise and strategic gardenerdoesn't rush.
She tends to the soil first,carefully enriching it, deeply
watering it and nurturing itshealth and fertility.
(18:15):
From this rich foundation shecultivates abundant growth that
spreads through the entiregarden.
Pausing, resting and observingwith intention, she prunes only
when necessary, feeds the rootswith care and safeguards her own
energy and resources to sustaineverything around her.
Her children, watching closely,learn that true love and
(18:36):
lasting beauty bloom from theart of knowing when to nourish,
when to step back and when topatiently wait.
It's through rest, patience andthoughtful attentiveness that
she creates a vibrant, thrivingenvironment for all.
The invisible mama is like thefirst gardener giving everything
to everyone until she withersaway.
The utmost woman is like thewise gardener giving everything
to everyone until she withersaway.
(18:57):
The utmost woman is like thewise gardener she tends to
herself first so she can createabundance for everyone around
her.
The invisible mama believes herworth comes from how much she
sacrifices.
The utmost woman knows herworth comes from who she is, not
what she does.
Imagine a woman in her mid-40s,a dedicated mom of two teens, a
classic invisible mama.
(19:18):
She used to work 50 plus hoursa week while managing every
detail of her kids' lives.
Saying no wasn't in hervocabulary Volunteer duties,
family obligations.
Her children's constant demandsfilled her day.
Stress eating and no exerciseled to weight gain.
Her marriage felt more like ascheduling logistics than a
partnership.
And her kids?
One struggled to findindependence in college, calling
(19:41):
multiple times a day.
The other expected to be servedat home, lacking basic life
skills.
Then came the breaking point.
She collapsed to work, spentthree days in the hospital and
got a blunt warning from herdoctor You're headed for a heart
attack if you don't change.
That night in her hospital bed,she realized her selfless
approach was hurting everyone,including herself.
(20:02):
After she transformed from aninvisible mama to an utmost
woman through what she callsstrategic selfishness,
everything changed.
Two years later, her kids arethriving independently.
One graduated with honors andlaunched her dream career.
The other got into her firstchoice, college, and now faces
challenges head on.
She earned a promotion at workthanks to her renewed energy and
focus.
Her marriage has been renewed.
(20:23):
Her husband says I married thisconfident woman and I am so
glad that she is back Now.
Her children come to her forwisdom, not crisis management.
What did they all learn?
That self-sacrifice is selfish.
It's responsible.
Confident people set boundaries.
Love doesn't requireself-destruction.
They're capable of solvingtheir own problems and healthy
(20:45):
relationships are built onmutual respect.
So how do you begin shiftingfrom self-sacrifice to strategic
selfishness?
Here are some simple,actionable steps that you can
start using right now totransform from invisible mama to
utmost woman, someone whothrives by prioritizing herself
strategically, not selfishly.
And the best part, these takelike 30 seconds each.
(21:06):
Yes, you deserve that timebecause your well-being matters.
So step one do a morningcheck-in Before you even get out
of bed.
Ask what do I need today, notwhat everybody else needs.
What do you need?
Step two do an eveningreflection.
Write down three decisions youmade today for others and three
decisions you made for yourself.
Notice the balance and what ittells you.
(21:28):
Step three pause the automationwhen someone asks you to do
something, pause, breathe andsay let me check my schedule and
get back to you.
Don't commit immediately.
Use the next 24 hours to askyourself does this align with my
priorities or am I just tryingto please, because I always have
?
And step four pick onenon-negotiable.
Choose something daily that'sjust for you, maybe reading for
(21:51):
10 minutes or walking for five.
Start small.
What you'll soon realize isthat those you love aren't
feeling neglected, but you'refeeling more aligned and
energized.
The key is starting small andbuilding momentum.
Choose two to three manageableactions and build from there.
Remember, strategic selfishnessisn't about being selfish.
It's about being strategic withyour energy so you can love and
(22:13):
serve from abundance ratherthan depletion.
So let me ask you what do youreally want?
Do you want to keep pouring allyour time and energy into
sacrificing your mind, body andself just to feel like you're
being a good mom, while yourmarriage feels more like
managing logistics than a lovingpartnership?
Or do you want to lead yourchildren by example, showing
them how to thrive, love deeplyand show up in the world as a
(22:35):
whole, empowered person whobuilds strong, joyful
relationships not only withtheir kids, but with their
spouse too?
The choice is yours.
Which path aligns with the lifeand legacy you want to create?
If you are ready to embracestrategic selfishness and shift
from invisible mama to utmostwoman, then make sure to
subscribe to my podcast today.
You won't want to miss thisempowering series and the brand
(22:57):
new three-day Reclaiming who youAre Beyond Mom and Wife event
coming soon.
So stay tuned.
But remember strategicselfishness isn't about being
selfish.
It's about being strategic withyour energy so you can love and
serve from abundance, notdepletion.
You are more than everyone'severything.
You are someone.
Did you know that 93% of mothers feel burned out?
Today, 79% of working momsstruggle with extreme anxiety
over the expectations they'retrying to meet and 66% say
they're not mentally healthy,with nearly half seeking therapy
.
It's no wonder You're waking upafter only five hours of sleep,
(00:22):
already feeling behind becauseyour mind is racing through
today's endless logistics beforeyour feet even hit the ground.
Welcome to the second episodein this brand new series focused
on reclaiming who you are,beyond just a wife and mom.
If you are feeling invisible,unseen, undervalued and
disconnected, not just fromthose you love but from yourself
.
If you're doing everything foreveryone but feel like not just
(00:43):
from those you love but fromyourself.
If you're doing everything foreveryone but feel like no one
truly sees you, if you feeldetached from the woman you are
beyond mom and wife what I callthe invisible mama then this
series is for you.
In the first episode, weuncovered something you probably
never even realized.
You're doing a hidden patternthat's causing your
(01:05):
disconnection, invisibility andthose overwhelming feelings of
being used up and past yourprime.
Today we're tackling a powerfuldebate strategic selfishness
versus constant sacrifice.
This is a big one.
Some people are all aboutself-sacrifice and believe
anything less is selfish.
Others argue that selfishnessis vital for success.
(01:28):
There's a constant back andforth, people pointing out
there's a problem with this oneand an issue with that one.
Well, today we're putting itinto that debate.
I'm going to break down whatyou should be doing based on my
own 15 years of experience.
A marriage once on the brink ofdivorce, relationships with my
kids I thought were broken andstepping into a new environment
(01:51):
that seemed to steal all thedreams I held and a boatload of
lies I believed as gospel truth.
But today my marriage has neverbeen stronger.
My relationships with my kidsare filled with respect, love
and connection.
I've achieved dreams I haveheld to for 23 years, and even
some I didn't fully imagineuntil just a few years ago, and
(02:13):
through all of that I havelearned so much.
That's exactly what thisepisode is here for to break
down what I've learned and sharewhat I would advise.
If you're questioning yourpurpose beyond being a mom and a
wife, or if you've even brokendown in tears in the shower
because you don't feel trulyvalued by your family, despite
(02:34):
everything you do for everyoneevery single day, if any of that
resonates with you, I amwilling to bet you might be
erasing yourself from your ownlife, and today we are going to
help you fix that.
So keep listening.
Do you ever catch a glimpse ofyourself in the mirror and
barely recognize that womanstaring back?
The woman who once dreamed big,burned with passion and had a
(02:55):
purpose beyond meeting everyoneelse's needs?
Hi, I'm Misty Chelley, and thisis your Utmost Life the podcast
for moms who feel guilty forwanting more or can't remember
the last time they truly feltlike themselves.
If you're tired of feelinginvisible, overwhelmed and
stretched too thin, then you'vecome to the right place.
Here we will explore how toreclaim your identity beyond mom
(03:18):
and wife.
Prioritize your needs withoutguilt and live your life to the
utmost, because here's the truth.
You're not just everything toeveryone.
You are a unique, powerfulwoman with dreams that matter,
goals that count and a voicethat deserves to be heard.
It's time to move fromsurviving to thriving, without
guilt, overwhelm or upheaval.
(03:39):
Become an utmost woman whodoesn't just exist.
She designs her life withintention, creates meaningful
impact and shows up as her full,authentic self in every area of
her life.
So stick around, we're justgetting started.
Hello and welcome to anotherepisode of your Upmost Life
Podcast.
Today we're diving into episodetwo of my new series called the
(04:01):
Six Major Mom Mistakes and howto fix them.
These are the most commonmistakes I see moms making and,
honestly, mistakes I made myselffor years.
These habits leave us feelinginvisible, undervalued, stressed
out, worn down and disconnected, not just from those that we
love but from ourselves.
They cause us to move throughlife on autopilot, feeling worn
(04:25):
out, used up and, quite frankly,longing for something more, but
not exactly sure what morereally means.
Today we're diving into a hotdebate strategic selfishness
versus constant sacrifice.
It's a pretty big topic atleast that's how it feels and
it's one that seems to begrowing because everyone
believes their way of handlingit is the right way.
(04:45):
So the question is is a momsacrifice the true mark of a
great mom, or is taking time forherself actually selfish?
You hear voices saying thatgood mothers sacrifice
everything for their children.
Others say that kids need to befiguring it out on their own
sink or swim with a hands-offapproach.
Some moms believe thatmotherhood must involve
(05:09):
sacrifice, pain and exhaustion,that if you're not worn down and
miserable, you're somehow notdoing it right.
Meanwhile, there's others thatfill their calendars with me
time girls, weekends, datenights, mani-pedis, massages and
retail therapy, because theybelieve they deserve it.
Let's start at the beginning.
When we start dating someone,we feel that spark.
(05:31):
We decide to get married, starta family and build a life
together.
None of us plan for a journeythat consumes decades of our
lives, with chronic sleepdeprivation, constant
frustrations, stress, headaches,bickering and disconnection
from our purpose.
We don't imagine a life whereit feels like we're just
existing under the same roofwith our partner and where life
(05:52):
seems meaningless beyond endlessbusyness.
How we, as moms, navigate thegap between that original dream
and the reality we live is wherethings differ.
Every mom wants to be seen assuperwoman by those that she
loves.
We wear that title like a badgeof honor, a sign that we've
done the job well, that we'vebecome the perfect mom and wife.
(06:13):
Some moms take pride in handlingit all, setting aside their own
needs for the sake of theirfamilies, always putting
everyone else first.
They feel that if they're notconstantly giving, they're being
selfish.
You might feel that taking timefor yourself means taking away
from your family, that there'stoo much to do and you have to
do it all for them.
I've been there doing it all,feeling proud that I was doing
(06:34):
better than those who weren'tyet.
Finding myself crying in theshower, lying awake at night,
feeling like I wasn't goodenough, like I wasn't living up
to who I thought I should be,feeling as though my marriage
was falling apart.
My kids only needed me to dothings for them, and I was
becoming used up and invisiblein my own life.
I was doing everything right,but I had become what I now call
(06:57):
the invisible mama, doingeverything for everyone but
feeling completely unseen in myown life.
You're the meal planner, thebanker, the grocery runner, the
online researcher for everyfamily need, and your idea of
relaxation is coordinating nextweek's schedule plans and all
the household errands.
Maybe you have more than 20different passwords to your
(07:18):
family's accounts that youmanage.
Maybe you're juggling 10 ormore upcoming appointments and
deadlines on your mentalcalendar.
You're constantly in solve itmode, handling what feels like
urgent emergencies or mentallypreparing plans for things that
might happen.
You become the go-to serviceprovider for everything in the
household and for every familymember.
Let's be honest there aremoments of pride in knowing you
(07:40):
are not like other moms whodon't do everything you do.
You sacrifice so much and youtake pride in handling it all,
so no one has to worry.
You rarely ask for help, keepthe family running smoothly and
always put everyone else first,but because of that, most days
you're mentally overloaded,struggling with brain fog.
You feel overwhelmed at leasttwice a week.
(08:00):
Moments of resentment hit atleast once a month and you feel
taken for granted at least twicea week, and chronic fatigue has
become your norm.
You have lost sight of what youactually want and need.
Is self-sacrifice really thegold standard of being a good
mom?
Look, I completely understandwhy you believe that, and that
is okay.
We've been told for generationsthat sacrificing ourselves is
(08:23):
the truest form of love and thatall good mothers put their
children first.
I get it deeply.
I felt the same way.
I believed that my childrenwere a blessing from heaven and
that it was my job to doeverything in my power to make
sure that they had everythingthey needed, that I couldn't
fail them in any way and thatthey should know without a
shadow of a doubt how much Iloved them.
(08:45):
But let me ask you this Doesshowing love mean completely
erasing your own needs anddesires?
When you love someone, does itmean giving them all of who you
are, so they become the entirecenter of your existence.
Is that truly the message thatyou want to teach your daughter
about what love looks like?
Is that what you want your sonto believe that women in his
(09:06):
life should do if they reallylove him?
If my daughter came to me andsaid her boyfriend told her that
he loved her and that to proveher love she needed to give up
her friends, stop doing thingsthat she loved and give all of
herself to him, what I say yes,dear, that seems reasonable.
If you love him, you totallyshould do that.
I won't swear right now, buthonestly, just saying that out
(09:28):
loud makes my blood boil.
There is no way I would eversay that was true love or what
love really means.
And yet that's exactly what Iwas unintentionally teaching her
.
I stopped doing the things Iloved.
I watched friendships slowlyfade.
I canceled appointments formyself not the fun ones, but
important ones like doctor'svisits.
I took on everything runningthe household, managing every
(09:51):
schedule mine, theirs, even myhusband's all on my calendar.
I stressed over their tasks,their assignments, their job.
I carried the weight ofeveryone's happiness.
Even a small sigh ofdisappointment would send me
into fix-it mode immediately.
I was determined to make sureevery member of my family knew
they could count on me foranything, anytime that I would
(10:13):
drop everything to ensure theirhappiness and needs were met, so
that they never had to worryabout a thing Mama would take
care of it.
But let me ask you this Doesevery mother who sacrifices
everything about herself, givingup all she is to focus on her
children and husband, actuallyhave a great marriage and
thriving kids?
The answer is no.
But let's consider MichelleObama, former first lady
(10:36):
attorney, author, mother of twoand married for over 30 years.
She famously said for me, beinga mother made me a better
professional because coming homeevery night to my girls
reminded me what I was workingfor.
And being a professional mademe a better mother because by
pursuing my dreams I was workingfor.
And being a professional mademe a better mother because by
pursuing my dreams, I wasmodeling for my girls how to
pursue their dreams.
(10:58):
To be a good parent, you need totake care of yourself so you
can have the physical andemotional energy to take care of
your family.
You have spent years settingyourself aside your wants, needs
, dreams, opinions and hobbies,all in the name of being a good
mom, yet you feel disconnectedfrom your husband, like a
service provider to yourchildren and a stranger to
(11:18):
yourself.
If this is the road that you'vebeen driving down, where do you
think it will lead in the nextfive to 10 years?
Do you truly believe yourmarriage will grow stronger,
that your relationship with yourkids will become less about
what you do for them, and thatyou will remember who you are
beyond being a mom and a wife?
I promise I'm not judging.
You have my deepest empathy.
I spent over a decade in theexact same boat and, honestly,
(11:47):
sometimes my instinct is to findback right in that boat.
Michelle Obama is a perfectexample of the utmost woman.
She raised two daughters whoare thriving, sustained a loving
marriage for over 30 years andnever stopped embracing who she
is.
So let me ask you this what isthe outcome of being a good mom?
I'm not asking what a good momdoes, but rather what
experiences occur.
What behaviors do our childrenportray?
What results do we see?
(12:09):
How do we feel?
What qualities will yourchildren display that confirm
they were raised by a good mom?
Good parenting and a positivehome environment usually lead to
though not always, since freewill does play a role that leads
to children who grew up withthese qualities they have
confidence to navigate the worldindependently, the ability to
manage their daily lives withoutconstant help, healthy coping
(12:31):
mechanisms for stress, skills toregulate their own emotions,
respect for themselves andothers, compassion and empathy
toward others, the ability tobuild healthy romantic
relationships, strongcommunication and conflict
resolution skills, deep familyconnections, a desire to
contribute positively to society, the courage to live
(12:52):
authentically as themselves, andbasic life management skills
like cooking, cleaning andorganization.
What many moms don't realize isthat by constantly doing
everything for their childrenand sacrificing themselves,
they're actually holding backthese very outcomes.
When children see their mothersalways putting herself last,
they learn that self-sacrificeequals love.
(13:14):
When there are no boundaries,they allow you to care for
yourself.
They don't learn to respectothers' limits.
And when you handle all oftheir problems, even those that
haven't happened yet, they don'tdevelop their own
problem-solving skills.
The truth is, when you're burntout, exhausted and carrying a
little resentment, your childreninternalize that adulthood is
miserable.
(13:34):
They come to believe thatmarriage means losing yourself,
that it's a one-sided sacrificewhere one gives and the other
takes.
Daughters often replicate thissame pattern of self-erasure,
believing that good women mustsacrifice everything for others.
Sons may grow up expectingfuture partners to serve them
the way their mother did, neverlearning what it means to be an
(13:54):
equal partner in a relationship.
The sad truth is that the verybehaviors that make women feel
like good mothers constantsacrifice, no boundaries, doing
everything for everyone areactually stopping their children
from becoming the healthy,independent and confident adults
they want them to be.
So how do we transform from aninvisible mama into what I call
the utmost woman, someone whohas a thriving family, a strong
(14:18):
and respectful marriage filledwith intimacy and sustainability
, quality relationships withtheir children and a solid
foundation of self?
The answer is simple but vitalFocusing on your needs is
essential.
Now wait Before you tune me out.
Hear me out.
We all know that being theparent who puts themselves above
everyone else does not lead tochildren who are able to make
(14:39):
good decisions on their own,confident, with healthy
self-esteem and self-worth,emotionally resilient to handle
setbacks, skilled at regulatingtheir own emotions, able to form
and maintain meaningfulfriendships, capable of loving
and being loved, connectingstrongly to their family.
What I'm saying is thisstrategic selfishness is the
vital attribute for being a goodmom, an amazing wife and,
(15:01):
ultimately, an utmost woman.
On the flip side.
Parents operating from pureself-focused mindset often raise
kids who feel guilty, beratethemselves, lose confidence and
self-esteem, develop fears,mistrust others, struggle with
commitment and much, much more.
(15:22):
So we can agree that simplydemonstrating selfishness
doesn't create the outcomes wewant for our children as they
grow into adults, and we canagree that constant
self-sacrifice hasn't workedeither.
It also fails to produce thosedesired outcomes.
So what can we do to create athriving family, a strong and
respectful marriage filled withintimacy and sustainability,
quality relationships with ourchildren and a solid foundation
of self.
Children who thrive as adultsusually have mothers who model
(15:45):
self-respect and set clearboundaries.
Show what a fulfilled wholewoman looks like.
Allow children to experiencenatural consequences,
demonstrate they are worthy ofcare and attention to, and teach
that love doesn't requireself-erasure.
A thriving marriage requirestwo whole people, not one
sacrificing themselves for theother.
It needs a dynamic where bothpartners are valued, contribute
(16:09):
equally and grow together.
This is what it means to be theutmost woman.
When you become your utmostself, you actually serve your
family better.
When you step into your utmostself, you bring your very best
to your marriage.
It becomes a place of mutualrespect, genuine intimacy,
sustainable love and deepconnection between two partners.
You are no longer operatingfrom depletion, resentment or
(16:30):
the need to prove your worththrough sacrifice.
When you become your utmostself, you teach your children
far more about thrivingadulthood than constant
self-sacrifice ever could.
Your strategically selfishapproach to how you live each
day helps prevent negativeoutcomes by maintaining healthy
family dynamics.
Think of motherhood liketending the most important
garden of your life, your family.
(16:52):
Imagine a master,self-sacrificing gardener who
gives every drop of water, everynutrient, every moment of
sunlight to her prized roses,while completely neglecting the
other flowers in her garden.
At first, the roses bloombeautifully.
Everyone admires her sacrifice.
But over time weeds begin toinvade her other flowers.
(17:13):
The flowers no longer grow,they begin to wilt.
The soil becomes depleted,cracked and barren.
Eventually even the roses beginto wilt, because the entire
ecosystem, the family, needscare to thrive.
The gardener now, exhausted,stands amidst a greenhouse that
once bloomed with life, only tofind the beauty she fought so
hard for slipping away.
(17:33):
There's another gardener whoselfishly hoards all the water
and nutrients just for herself,creating a lush, vibrant spot
that seems like a paradise inthe middle of the garden.
But while her little oasisthrives, the rest of the garden
withers and suffers, starved ofwhat it needs to flourish.
Her selfishness builds abeautiful illusion a stunning
(17:55):
spot surrounded by barren earth.
Yet beneath the surface she istrapped, surrounded by creeping
weeds, ravenous bugs and theslow rod of decay that no one
else sees.
The wise and strategic gardenerdoesn't rush.
She tends to the soil first,carefully enriching it, deeply
watering it and nurturing itshealth and fertility.
(18:15):
From this rich foundation shecultivates abundant growth that
spreads through the entiregarden.
Pausing, resting and observingwith intention, she prunes only
when necessary, feeds the rootswith care and safeguards her own
energy and resources to sustaineverything around her.
Her children, watching closely,learn that true love and
(18:36):
lasting beauty bloom from theart of knowing when to nourish,
when to step back and when topatiently wait.
It's through rest, patience andthoughtful attentiveness that
she creates a vibrant, thrivingenvironment for all.
The invisible mama is like thefirst gardener giving everything
to everyone until she withersaway.
The utmost woman is like thewise gardener giving everything
to everyone until she withersaway.
(18:57):
The utmost woman is like thewise gardener she tends to
herself first so she can createabundance for everyone around
her.
The invisible mama believes herworth comes from how much she
sacrifices.
The utmost woman knows herworth comes from who she is, not
what she does.
Imagine a woman in her mid-40s,a dedicated mom of two teens, a
classic invisible mama.
(19:18):
She used to work 50 plus hoursa week while managing every
detail of her kids' lives.
Saying no wasn't in hervocabulary Volunteer duties,
family obligations.
Her children's constant demandsfilled her day.
Stress eating and no exerciseled to weight gain.
Her marriage felt more like ascheduling logistics than a
partnership.
And her kids?
One struggled to findindependence in college, calling
(19:41):
multiple times a day.
The other expected to be servedat home, lacking basic life
skills.
Then came the breaking point.
She collapsed to work, spentthree days in the hospital and
got a blunt warning from herdoctor You're headed for a heart
attack if you don't change.
That night in her hospital bed,she realized her selfless
approach was hurting everyone,including herself.
(20:02):
After she transformed from aninvisible mama to an utmost
woman through what she callsstrategic selfishness,
everything changed.
Two years later, her kids arethriving independently.
One graduated with honors andlaunched her dream career.
The other got into her firstchoice, college, and now faces
challenges head on.
She earned a promotion at workthanks to her renewed energy and
focus.
Her marriage has been renewed.
(20:23):
Her husband says I married thisconfident woman and I am so
glad that she is back Now.
Her children come to her forwisdom, not crisis management.
What did they all learn?
That self-sacrifice is selfish.
It's responsible.
Confident people set boundaries.
Love doesn't requireself-destruction.
They're capable of solvingtheir own problems and healthy
(20:45):
relationships are built onmutual respect.
So how do you begin shiftingfrom self-sacrifice to strategic
selfishness?
Here are some simple,actionable steps that you can
start using right now totransform from invisible mama to
utmost woman, someone whothrives by prioritizing herself
strategically, not selfishly.
And the best part, these takelike 30 seconds each.
(21:06):
Yes, you deserve that timebecause your well-being matters.
So step one do a morningcheck-in Before you even get out
of bed.
Ask what do I need today, notwhat everybody else needs.
What do you need?
Step two do an eveningreflection.
Write down three decisions youmade today for others and three
decisions you made for yourself.
Notice the balance and what ittells you.
(21:28):
Step three pause the automationwhen someone asks you to do
something, pause, breathe andsay let me check my schedule and
get back to you.
Don't commit immediately.
Use the next 24 hours to askyourself does this align with my
priorities or am I just tryingto please, because I always have
?
And step four pick onenon-negotiable.
Choose something daily that'sjust for you, maybe reading for
(21:51):
10 minutes or walking for five.
Start small.
What you'll soon realize isthat those you love aren't
feeling neglected, but you'refeeling more aligned and
energized.
The key is starting small andbuilding momentum.
Choose two to three manageableactions and build from there.
Remember, strategic selfishnessisn't about being selfish.
It's about being strategic withyour energy so you can love and
(22:13):
serve from abundance ratherthan depletion.
So let me ask you what do youreally want?
Do you want to keep pouring allyour time and energy into
sacrificing your mind, body andself just to feel like you're
being a good mom, while yourmarriage feels more like
managing logistics than a lovingpartnership?
Or do you want to lead yourchildren by example, showing
them how to thrive, love deeplyand show up in the world as a
(22:35):
whole, empowered person whobuilds strong, joyful
relationships not only withtheir kids, but with their
spouse too?
The choice is yours.
Which path aligns with the lifeand legacy you want to create?
If you are ready to embracestrategic selfishness and shift
from invisible mama to utmostwoman, then make sure to
subscribe to my podcast today.
You won't want to miss thisempowering series and the brand
(22:57):
new three-day Reclaiming who youAre Beyond Mom and Wife event
coming soon.
So stay tuned.
But remember strategicselfishness isn't about being
selfish.
It's about being strategic withyour energy so you can love and
serve from abundance, notdepletion.
You are more than everyone'severything.
You are someone.
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