Why 'Finding Yourself' After Motherhood is Actually Impossible

I spent three years desperately trying to 'find myself' and ended up feeling more lost than ever. Sound familiar?

If you've been following all the advice to discover your passion, try new hobbies, or reinvent yourself after motherhood—and you're STILL feeling disconnected—this episode will change everything.

Here's the truth no one's telling you: You can't find what was never lost.

That exhaustion you feel from constantly searching? It's because you've been treating yourself like a stranger you need to meet, instead of a friend you need to reconnect with.

In this episode, you'll discover:

• Why the entire 'find yourself' industry has it backwards (and why this keeps you stuck)
• The moment everything shifted for me—sitting in my car after another failed attempt to become someone new
• Three simple techniques you can use THIS WEEK to reconnect with who you really are
• How to do this in just 5 minutes a day without adding overwhelm to your life
• Why your kids actually feel MORE secure when you know who you are

Your sense of humor, your values, your way of seeing the world—they didn't disappear when you became a mom. They're just buried.

And buried things? They can be uncovered.

Stop searching for the new you. It's time to come home to the real you who's been there all along.

📲 Share this episode with a friend who needs to know she’s not broken—just buried. Let her know she’s not alone.

🔗 Follow along on Instagram for daily encouragement and behind-the-scenes heart-to-hearts: @yourutmostself

🎧 Subscribe to the podcast so you never miss a conversation that reminds you who you are.

✨ Continue your journey at Your Utmost Self - free resources, articles, and more.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 0 (00:00):
The self-help industry tells you to find
yourself, but you can't findwhat was never lost.
What I'm talking about todaywill challenge everything you've
been told about rediscoveringwho you are after motherhood and
, honestly, I might upset you atfirst, but stick with me,
because what I'm about to sharecould save you years of
searching in all the wrongplaces.
Plus, I'm going to give youthree specific things you can do

(00:22):
this week to start reconnectingwith who you really are.
Have you ever looked in themirror, barely recognizing the
woman staring back at you?
That woman who used to havedreams, passions and a sense of
purpose beyond taking care ofeveryone else?
As moms, we often loseourselves in the endless cycle
of being everything to everyone.
The overwhelming feeling ofdisconnection from who we truly

(00:42):
are.
The struggle to find balance,the deep longing to feel
confident and worthy again.
Hi, I'm Misty Uccelli.
Welcome to your Utmost Life.
Each week, we have real, honestconversations about
rediscovering yourself, buildingunshakable confidence and
reconnecting with the joy thatlights you up Through practical
strategies and transformativeinsights.
We will explore what it meansto move from feeling lost to

(01:03):
living fully, because here's thetruth You're not just someone's
everything, you are someone,and it's time to embrace your
utmost life, y'all.
I need to be honest with youabout something that's been
bothering me for years, andmaybe it's bothering you too,
but you can't quite put yourfinger on it yet.
Everywhere we turn Instagram,pinterest, self-help books,

(01:24):
well-meaning friends everyone'stelling us the same thing you
just need to find yourself again.
Like you're lost, like you'resome lost keys that fell behind
the couch cushion during thetoddler years.
And here's the thing you'veprobably tried.
Oh, my goodness, if you wereanything like me.
You have tried thing afterthing to find yourself.
You've taken those personalitytests, you've journaled about

(01:45):
your dreams, you've maybe evensigned up for that pottery class
or tried meditation, or changedyour hair and got new clothes.
But underneath it all, you'restill thinking what's wrong with
me?
Why isn't this working?
Why do I still feel so lost?
But get this.
What if the problem isn't you?
What if the problem is theadvice itself?
Here's the deal you can't findwhat was never lost, and that's

(02:09):
exactly what I spent yearstrying to do.
I was searching outside ofmyself for an identity that was
inside me all along, just buriedunder years of roles and
responsibilities and puttingeveryone else first.
Let me ask you this If you lostyour wedding ring, would you
start by completely changing whoyou are?
Would you get a new personality, new interests, new values?

(02:29):
Of course not.
You'd retrace your steps towhere you last had it, but when
it comes to finding ourselves,we've been told to do the exact
opposite.
We're told to try new things,become someone different,
discover brand new parts ofourselves.
And here's what's absolutelyinsane about this advice when
you lose your keys, do you goshopping for a completely

(02:50):
different house?
When you can't find your phone,do you throw out everything you
own and start over?
No, you'd say wait, I know Ihad it yesterday and you will
look for what was already yours.
So why in the world do we thinkthat reconnecting with
ourselves after motherhoodrequires becoming someone
completely different?
I read this fascinating studywhere they found that people who

(03:12):
try to reinvent themselvesoften end up more lost than when
they started.
A light bulb went on afterreading that, because here's
what happened to me.
I had spent so many yearstrying to find myself.
I read book after book, I didstudy after study, and one new
thing after another.
Oh, my goodness, the money thatI spent.

(03:32):
And you know what happened.
What I discovered was that Ifelt emptier, less confident and
less like myself.
I was treating myself like astranger that I needed to meet,
instead of a friend I needed toreconnect with.
It wasn't until I was sittingin my car after yet another
retail therapy session where Ifelt empty, foolish and guilty.

(03:52):
That is when it hit me.
I was looking for someone whonever left.
She was just quiet.
She was buried.
She was waiting.
She was waiting for me toremember her, not discover.
That night, I did somethingcompletely different.
Instead of asking who do I wantto become, I asked who was I
before?
I learned to dim myself andy'all.

(04:13):
Everything changed.
Here's what I discoveredthrough my research and lived
experience.
You don't need to find yourself.
You need to reconnect withyourself.
There is a huge difference.
Finding implies you're lost.
Reconnecting implies you'rejust disconnected, and
disconnection that has asolution.
When you disconnect from Wi-Fi,you don't throw out your

(04:36):
computer and buy a new one.
You troubleshoot the connection, you figure out what's blocking
the signal, and that's exactlywhat's happening to you.
Something is blocking yoursignal to yourself.
Maybe it's exhaustion, maybeit's guilt about focusing on
your own needs, and maybe it'sfear that your family won't
recognize or love this versionof you.
But underneath all thatinterference, you're still there

(04:58):
, all of you your sense of humor, your values, your way of
seeing the world and your uniquestrengths.
They didn't disappear when youbecame a mom.
They got buried under everyoneelse's needs and society's
expectations of who you shouldbe and, if we're being honest,
they got pushed aside andsilenced by your own belief that
you don't matter unless you'reproducing, pleasing or

(05:21):
performing.
I want to give you threespecific ways to identify what's
blocking your connection.
First is the energy audit.
For just three days this week,I want you to notice when you
feel most drained versus whenyou feel most alive Not happy,
but alive, because there is adifference.
You might feel alive whenyou're problem solving, or when

(05:42):
you're problem solving, or whenyou're organizing something, or
when you're cooking, or whenyou're having a deep
conversation.
Pay attention, those moments offeeling alive.
That is your signal gettingthrough.
And second is the values clashdetector.
When you feel that pit in yourstomach, that feeling that's
usually your true self, bumpingup against something that
doesn't align with who you are.

(06:03):
Maybe it's saying yes when youmean no, or being asked to be
someone you're not.
Start tracking these moments.
They're breadcrumbs leading youback to yourself.
And third is the old youevidence hunt.
Look for proof of who you werebefore.
Motherhood consumed everything,not to go backwards at all, but
to remember what was true aboutwho then.

(06:25):
That's still true now.
Remember you were the friendwho always asked the deep
questions.
Maybe you were the one whonoticed when someone needed help
, or maybe you were the one whowas curious or decisive or had a
way of making people laugh.
Those core traits they're stillthere Now.
I know what you're thinking.
This sounds great, but I feelguilty even thinking about

(06:45):
myself.
This much Isn't this selfish.
Did you know that childrenactually feel more secure when
their mothers have a clear senseof identity, not less?
Because here's the thing whenyou know who you are, you're not
constantly looking to yourfamily to validate your worth.
You're not putting pressure onthem to be your entire source of
fulfillment.
You can love them freelyinstead of needily.

(07:08):
And about the exhaustion thatyou're feeling, that bone deep
tiredness that sleep doesn't fix, a lot of that comes from
living in disconnection fromyourself.
It's exhausting to be someoneyou're not all day long.
And when you start reconnectingwith your authentic self, you
actually have more energy, notless.
So here's how to do thiswithout overwhelming your
already full life.

(07:28):
I want you to start with justfive minutes a day.
Seriously, just five minutes ofpaying attention to yourself
can tremendously transform yourlife.
And here's what's amazing.
Researchers found that womenwho spend those five minutes
daily in authenticself-reflection not writing
goals or planning their day, butgenuinely checking in with
their internal experience theyshowed measurable improvements

(07:51):
in energy levels within just twoweeks.
Who couldn't use more energy?
You can do this while foldinglaundry, while driving or while
you're drinking your morningcoffee.
You're not adding one morething to your to-do list.
You're just paying attentiondifferently.
And if that guilt creeps in, Iwant you to remember this you
cannot give what you don't have.
If you don't know who you are,how can you teach your children

(08:15):
to know themselves?
And if you don't value yourself, how can you model self-worth
for them?
I know this might sound toosimple, but I want you to start
looking for familiarity, notnovelty.
Not what new things should Itry, but what feels like me.
When you hear a song that makesyou smile, pay attention.
That song you loved in collegethat still makes your shoulders

(08:37):
relax, or the book that makesyou feel like home.
Pay attention to the way youlaugh at something ridiculous
when no one's around, or whenyou catch yourself laughing at
something in a way that feelsauthentically you.
I want you to notice it.
When you have an opinion thatfeels strong and true, even if
it's something small like howyou like your coffee, I want you

(08:58):
to honor it.
Those are breadcrumbs, nottoward a new you, but toward the
real you.
You don't need to becomesomeone else.
You need to come back tosomeone sacred.
You're looking for the real youthat's been there all along.
If you are ready to startreconnecting not reinventing I
made something that can help.
It's called your Most LifeAlignment Check-In.

(09:21):
It's gentle, powerful andgrounded in everything we have
talked about today.
You can grab it for free at theshow notes or at your utmost
selfcom.
Forward slash alignmentcheck-in.
Here's the thing.
I know that this might goagainst everything you've been
told.
You might even be thinking, butisn't self growth about change?
It's a total mindset shift fromeverything you've been

(09:43):
believing and that is okay.
I want you to sit with it.
I want you to see how it feelsNext week.
We're talking about somethingthat might sting a little.
We're diving into the realreason.
You feel invisible in your ownlife and no, it's not because
you gave too much or becauseyour family doesn't appreciate
you.
The truth is going to surpriseyou and it might be exactly what
you need to hear, but untilthen, try those three things I

(10:04):
mentioned the energy audit, thevalues clash detector and the
old you evidence hunt.
Just notice, just pay attentionand before we go, I need you to
hear this you are not lost,broken or behind.
You're not failing at life ordoing motherhood wrong because
you feel disconnected fromyourself.
You're just ready to come hometo who you really are.

(10:25):
No drama required, you're justremembering who you've always
been.