June 11, 2025 • 20 mins
Do you ever feel completely exhausted, even after a full night's sleep? That bone-deep weariness might not be about rest at all.
The fatigue many of us experience goes deeper than physical tiredness—it's about losing connection with our authentic selves beneath all our roles and responsibilities. As mothers, we've mastered the art of caring for everyone else while gradually disconnecting from our own needs and desires. This phenomenon, supported by fascinating research, explains why mothers with young adult children report being more exhausted than those with newborns.
Science reveals the surprising truth behind this exhaustion. When we consistently prioritize others' needs over our own, our brains literally forget how to interpret our internal signals. It's like having a GPS system that can no longer locate you. Stanford researchers discovered women struggling with identity questions have stress hormones continuously coursing through their bodies—not from external stressors, but from their brains working overtime trying to determine who they're supposed to be at any moment.
The mental load we carry as mothers transitions but doesn't diminish as our children grow. We shift from managing logistics to navigating complex emotional territories—supporting without hovering, allowing failure while managing our anxiety, maintaining connection without intrusiveness. Studies show mothers spend a staggering 23 hours weekly on invisible mental processing related to family needs. Meanwhile, society expects us to navigate these transitions with perfect composure, letting go gracefully while remaining available, celebrating independence while quietly grieving our changing roles.
Reconnecting with yourself isn't selfish—it's necessary. The path back to vitality begins with small, consistent steps: five-minute daily check-ins with yourself, identifying who you are beyond your roles, monitoring your self-talk, expressing authentic needs, and living according to your values. Research shows women who treat themselves with even half the kindness they show others experience a 43% increase in energy and life satisfaction within just one month.
Download your free Utmost Life Alignment Check-in and take the first step toward remembering who you've always been beneath all your roles. Because you don't just manage a life—you deserve to fully live one too.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Misty (00:00):
Have you ever felt tired in your bones?
Not just sleepy, but tired ofsomething you can't name, tired
of being you?
You're doing everything right,you might even be crushing it by
everyone else's standards, butyou wake up each morning feeling
like you're starting the dayalready behind, already depleted
.
You move through your hoursfeeling like you're just going
(00:21):
through the motions, like you'recarrying this heavy weight.
You fall into bed at night notjust physically tired, but
deeply tired, like a soul tired.
You're wondering what's wrongwith you.
Why can't you seem to find yourenergy, your spark, your you?
What if I told you that thetiredness you feel has nothing
to do with how much sleep yougot last night?
(00:42):
I want to say something thatmight feel a little different
from what you've heard before,but stay with me.
What if this exhaustion isn'tactually about needing more
sleep or better self-care?
What if there's something elsegoing on, something deeper that
no amount of rest seems to touch?
If you've been wondering whyyou can sleep seven hours and
(01:04):
still wake up tired, why quiettime doesn't quiet your mind, or
why you feel empty even whenyour life looks full, you're not
imagining it and you'redefinitely not broken.
Motherhood is a gift, but let'sbe honest, it can also leave
you feeling overwhelmed,invisible and disconnected from
the woman you once were.
If you ever wondered, who am Ibeyond being a mom, know this
(01:32):
you are not alone.
Welcome to your Upmost Life.
I'm Misty, a mom just like you,who has faced chaos, self-doubt
and the loss of identity,hitting rock bottom and emerging
stronger, with clarity,confidence and purpose.
Each week, we will explorepractical tools and
transformative truths to helpyou reclaim your identity,
rebuild your confidence andrediscover the joy that lights
you up.
On this journey.
Together, you'll break freefrom overwhelm, embrace your
(01:55):
worth and step fully into themost authentic version of
yourself.
Through heartfelt conversationsand actionable strategies, you
will learn how to design a lifethat excites and fulfills you, a
life where you become the womanyou were always meant to be,
because you're not just a mom.
You are so much more, and ifyou're ready to embrace her,
let's get started.
You know that moment whensomeone asks how are you and you
(02:16):
automatically say fine or busy,because you don't even know how
to name what you're actuallyfeeling that bone deep weariness
that has nothing to do withyour to-do list and everything
to do with how you feel likeyou're disappearing in your own
life.
This isn't about needing moresleep.
This is about a kind of fatiguethat lives deeper and places
(02:37):
rest can't reach.
And here's what I've discovered.
This exhaustion often shows upwhen you've been living so
focused on everyone else's needsthat we've lost touch with our
own.
I want you to know that you arenot alone.
Research proves this.
A 2023 study published in theJournal of Family Issues found
that 76% of mothers reportedfeeling completely overwhelmed
(03:01):
by their mental load.
You know what I'm talking about, don't you?
That invisible thing whereyou're always the one
remembering everything, not justthe big stuff, but all the
little details that keepeveryone else's lives running
smoothly.
And here's what nobody tellsyou when your kids get older,
that mental load doesn'tmagically disappear.
It actually gets weirder andheavier.
(03:22):
Like when they were little, youknew exactly what they needed
from you.
Now you're trying to figure outhow to care without hovering,
how to stay connected withoutbeing in clingy, or how to let
them fail without wanting toswoop in and fix everything.
Meanwhile, you're looking inthe mirror thinking who am I if
I'm not actively motheringsomeone?
I came across this study thatmade me go.
(03:43):
Yes, finally, someone gets.
It Turns out moms like us withkids who are 18 to 25 are
actually more exhausted thanmoms with newborns Can you
believe that?
More tired than women who areliterally up all night feeding
babies.
So not only were we tiredthrough pregnancy without sleep
when they were babies, but nowwe were actually even more
exhausted.
(04:03):
Nobody warns us of this orprepares us for this.
The researchers called it thisambiguous loss, which sounds
fancy, but basically it meansthat we're grieving something
that isn't really gone.
Our kids are still here, butour role as their primary,
everything that's shifted, andnobody prepared us for how
emotionally exhausting thatwould be.
(04:24):
And here's what's really wild.
There's actually brain sciencebehind why this feels so
exhausting.
I was reading about thisresearcher, dr Lisa Feldman
Barrett, and she talks aboutsomething called emotional
granularity.
Basically, it's your ability toactually know what you're
feeling and what you need in anygiven moment.
But here's the thing whenyou've spent years putting
(04:45):
everyone else's needs first,your brain literally forgets how
to read your own signals.
Think about it.
Your brain is this amazingprediction machine, right?
It's constantly trying tofigure out what you need to feel
good and to function well andhow to protect you.
But if you've been ignoringthose signals for years telling
yourself I'm fine, I don't needanything, everyone else comes
(05:07):
first.
Your brain gets confused.
It's like having a GPS thatcan't find your location anymore
.
So, instead of efficientlymanaging your energy, your brain
just keeps you in this lowlevel panic mode, constantly
scanning for what you'resupposed to do next, how you're
supposed to feel, who you'resupposed to be.
I read this study from Stanfordthat just blew my mind.
They looked at women who hadthe hardest time answering the
(05:29):
question who am I?
And these women had stresshormones running through their
bodies all day long, not becauseanything dramatic was happening
, but because their brains wereliterally working overtime,
trying to figure out who theywere supposed to be at that
moment.
Oh my goodness, that explainsso much.
Our brains are literally tryingto figure out who they were
supposed to be at that moment.
Oh my goodness, that explainsso much.
Our brains are literally tryingto figure out in every single
(05:49):
moment Am I a mom?
Am I a wife?
Am I a daughter?
Am I a friend?
Oh my goodness, what am Isupposed to be doing?
Am I the cab driver?
It's exhausting, right.
So here's what I have figuredout, both from diving into the
research and, honestly, justliving this myself.
There's this thing called themental load that we carry, and
when your kids are young adults,oh my goodness, it gets so much
heavier and way morecomplicated.
(06:10):
Like it's not just rememberingto pick up milk anymore.
Now it's stuff like, okay, your20 year old calls you stressed
about their job, and you spendthe next three hours mentally
rehearsing what you should havesaid differently.
Or they make a decision and youthink it's a mistake, and
you're lying awake at nighttrying to figure out how you can
be supportive without beingthat mom who swoops in to fix
everything, and how to not soundlike you're nagging.
(06:32):
And then there's all theemotional processing we do like
grieving the fact that theydon't need you the same way
anymore, while simultaneouslytrying to figure out who you are
if you're not activelymothering someone, or managing
your own feelings about theirindependency while trying to
celebrate it, navigating all thefamily dynamics when everyone's
relationships are shifting.
(06:54):
I came across this study thatliterally made me want to cry.
Researchers found that momslike us spend over three hours
every single day just thinkingabout and emotionally processing
our family's needs.
Three hours, that's 23 hours aweek of mental energy that
nobody sees, nobody acknowledgesand, honestly, half the time we
don't even realize we're doingit ourselves.
(07:15):
And let's talk about thecultural piece for a moment
because, honestly, the messagesthat we are getting are
absolutely insane.
Society basically tells us thatwe should glide gracefully from
intensive hands-on parentinginto the whole rediscovering
yourself phase.
And oh, by the way, your houseshould be clean, it should be
Pinterest worthy, your marriageshould be thriving and if you
(07:36):
have a career, you should becrushing that too.
Like, seriously, what I saw.
This research from Pew thatjust made me so mad.
68% of moms feel like they haveto appear perfectly composed
during this whole launchingphase.
Get this.
81 of us say that this stage isactually harder emotionally
(07:57):
than when our kids were toddlers.
So we're supposed to look likewe have it all figured out
during what might be the mostconfusing times of our lives.
Think about the impossibleexpectations we're supposed to
let go gracefully but still beavailable whenever they need us.
Celebrate independency whyquietly grieving that they don't
need us the same way?
Or reinventing ourselves, butnot change too much, because
(08:21):
everyone still needs us to be us.
I absolutely agree with BreneBrown when you are trying to
hold all these contradictoryfeelings, all these emotions,
without being allowed toactually feel them or talk about
them, because you have to bethe strong one, you have to be
supportive.
Your body literally never getsto relax.
It's like your nervous systemis constantly braced for the
(08:43):
next thing that you're supposedto be handling perfectly.
Exhaustion doesn't even beginto cover that.
For me, this kind of tirednessshowed up when I was doing all
the right things.
My house was clean, everyonewas fed and happy.
I was anticipating needs beforepeople even knew they had them,
and happy I was anticipatingneeds before people even knew
they had them.
I was basically super mom andsuper wife rolled into one, and
(09:03):
yet yet inside I was empty.
And it wasn't because I didn'tlove my family or I didn't want
to take care of them Iabsolutely 1000% did, but
somewhere along the way I hadcompletely erased myself in the
process.
So I started digging intoresearch on sleep and energy and
, oh my gosh, what I foundexplained everything.
So there's this huge differencebetween your body resting and
(09:26):
your mind actually beingrestored.
Harvard did this study wherethey looked at people who were
living in ways that didn't matchwho they really were.
And here's the crazy part theyslept fine, normal sleep
patterns, getting their eighthours of sleep, but their bodies
weren't actually recovering.
It's like their minds neverfully shut down because there
was this constant backgroundtension between who they were
(09:48):
and how they were living.
Dr Matthew Walker, you know thesleep guy.
He explains that realrestoration only happens when
your conscious and unconsciousminds are on the same page.
But when you're constantlypushing down your own needs and
desires to be who everyone elseneeds you to be, your brain is
basically working the nightshift.
It's trying to process all theinternal conflict while you
(10:09):
sleep.
So you wake up having restedyour body but feeling like your
soul never got a break.
So basically, this exhaustioncreeps in when your identity
gets completely buried under allyour roles.
Like when was the last timesomeone called you by your
actual name instead of hey, mom,or hey, honey, or hey?
Can you help me with this?
After years of digging into this, both the research and honestly
(10:30):
just living it myself, Ifigured out there are seven
areas where we tend to loseourselves, and when we do,
that's when the real soul, deepfatigue, hits.
First.
There's knowing who you are,beyond all the hats you wear.
Like if you weren't activelymothering or taking care of
everyone else, who would you be?
What would you like?
Research shows that women whoactually answer the question are
(10:51):
40% less exhausted than thoseof us who define ourselves
entirely through ourrelationships.
And, oh my goodness, there'sthat voice in your head, what
you say to yourself, that trulyimpacts your life.
Ucla found that when we'reconstantly criticizing ourselves
internally, our stress hormonespikes like 35%.
So that exhaustion you feelsome of it literally might be
(11:14):
coming from how you talk toyourself.
And here's the deal actuallyexpressing what you need and
what you want, instead of juststuffing it down, is so vital.
When you constantly suppressyour authentic thoughts and
feelings, your nervous systemnever gets to relax.
It's like being on high alertall the time, which is
absolutely exhausting anddraining.
(11:34):
You know what I'm talking about.
It's that pit in your stomachwhen you begin to feel something
and you want to say it, but youchoose just to keep others
happy.
Feeling truly seen and heardisn't just nice to have.
It's actually necessary foryour brain to function well.
When you feel genuinelyunderstood by others, your body
recovers from stress faster anduses energy more efficiently.
(11:58):
Then there's living in a waythat actually matches your
values, not just what everyoneelse is expecting from you.
This isn't about having perfectroutines.
It's about making choices thatfeel right for who you actually
are.
Having a sense of purpose thatgoes beyond just taking things
off your to-do list gives youwhat psychologists call
(12:18):
meaningful wellbeing.
Basically, it's the kind oflife satisfaction that actually
energizes you instead ofdraining.
You Finally have some clarityabout where you're heading and
why it matters.
When your brain knows thedirection that you're going, it
can use your energy efficientlyinstead of keeping you in that
constant what's next preparationmode.
So how do you know if whatyou're dealing with is identity
(12:40):
fatigue and not just regularexhaustion?
Here are the signs I've noticedin my own life and honestly,
once I started paying attention,I saw them everywhere.
You get rest but don't actuallyfeel restored.
Like you finally decided you'regoing to take a whole Saturday
to do nothing, but then yourealize you still feel drained.
You get quiet time, but yourmind is still going a million
(13:01):
miles an hour.
You start feeling resentful,even though everything in your
life looks perfectly fine fromthe outside and here's a big one
.
You catch yourself saying Idon't know, or whatever works
for you way more than you shouldLike.
Someone asks what you want fordinner and you genuinely have no
idea.
Or you want to go on vacation,what movie you want to watch, or
(13:21):
what do you want to do thisweekend, and you have no idea.
Your mind is completely blankand then it starts searching for
the right answer, you know that, one that will please everyone.
You feel invisible, and here'sthe really hard part.
You feel invisible even toyourself, like you've become
this supporting character inyour own life, like you're
living a half-life, likesomething is missing, something
(13:42):
is off.
If you've been telling yourselfthings like I just need a good
night's sleep, or this is justanother busy season, or other
women handle way more than meand I just can't seem to get it
together.
But deep down you're thinking Iam so tired I don't even care
anymore.
If any of those feel familiar,then, yes, you know exactly what
I'm talking about.
(14:03):
But listen, come back to me.
I need you to hear this.
What you're feeling isn'tweakness, this is disconnection.
There is a huge difference.
When you're disconnected fromyour core self, your actual
needs, your real voice, what yougenuinely want, your whole
system just starts breaking down.
(14:23):
Because here's the thing youweren't designed to live on
autopilot forever.
You were made to live withintention, and when you lose
that sense of purpose, yourenergy disappears with it.
Now, living with intention doesnot mean that you need some
perfect morning routine or a10-step plan for your life.
It just means being present inyour own life, living a whole
(14:43):
life instead of living ahalf-life.
It's as simple as askingyourself things like what do I
actually need today?
What really matters to me rightnow?
Where am I saying yes because Ifeel guilty instead of because
it feels right?
So how do you startreconnecting with yourself?
You start small.
You just notice.
Notice when you say yes, whenyour whole body feels like
(15:05):
screaming.
No.
Notice those brief moments whenyou actually feel energized,
even if they're rare.
Or notice when you feel empty,resentful or like you don't even
exist in your own life.
And then you start askingyourself the deeper questions
what do I miss about myself?
When do I feel most like me?
And here's the deal.
(15:26):
Researchers at University ofPennsylvania found that people
who spend just five minutes aday checking in with themselves
not making to-do lists orsetting goals, but actually
asking themselves how am I doing?
How am I feeling those peoplehad more energy within two weeks
.
Five minutes per day for twoweeks.
That's it.
To get more energy?
(15:47):
Heck yeah.
If those questions feelimpossible to answer right now,
that's totally okay.
That doesn't mean that you'rebroken or behind or doing
anything wrong.
It just means you've been insurvival mode for a really long
time.
That's actually why I createdyour utmost life alignment
check-in.
It's this gentle way to startreconnecting with yourself,
(16:08):
without adding any pressure ormaking you feel like you've just
got handed another assignmentfor your already overwhelming
life.
The check-in walks you throughthose seven areas we just talked
about things like knowing whoyou are beyond all your roles,
actually supporting yourselfinstead of tearing yourself down
or expressing what you reallythink and feel, feeling
genuinely seen by the people inyour life, and living a way that
(16:31):
matches your values, having asense of purpose and getting
some clarity about where you'reheaded.
But here's what I love about itit doesn't expect you to fix
everything at once, because,honestly, who has time for that?
Instead, just ask yourself topick one word to focus on this
week and one tiny action to take.
That's it, and the researchbacks this up.
(16:52):
Real lasting change happensthrough those small shifts, not
through completely overhaulingyour entire life overnight,
because, let's be honest, you'realready exhausted.
The last thing you need is somemassive self-improvement
project.
If you're multitasking, comeback to me, because I really
need you to hear this you arenot weak, you are not behind,
(17:13):
you are not broken.
You're tired because you'vebeen holding up everyone else's
world without letting anyonehold up yours.
You've created this beautifullife that works perfectly for
everyone else.
You've been the one keepingeverything together your home,
your marriage, your kids, yourwhole family.
You've juggled it all and,honestly, you've done an amazing
(17:35):
job.
But here's what I want you toremember you don't just manage a
life, you actually have one too, and your life doesn't have to
be about just getting througheach day and calling that
strength.
It can be about coming back toyourself, restoring what's been
depleted, rebuilding thatconnection to who you really are
.
And here's the really good newsScientists have proven that
(17:56):
your brain can actually changeat any age.
So those patterns of puttingeveryone else first and losing
yourself in the process, they'renot permanent.
The pathways back to feelingalive and energized again, they
can absolutely be rebuilt, butit starts with just being aware
of what's actually happening,and awareness starts with asking
yourself the right questionsinstead of just pushing through
(18:18):
one more day, and I know whatyou might be thinking right now.
This sounds great, but how do Ido this without making everyone
else feel like I don't love ourlife?
What if my family thinks I'mbeing selfish?
What if they get insecure,thinking I want to become
someone completely different?
Listen, you can absolutelyreconnect with yourself without
anyone feeling threatened orunloved.
You're not trying to becomesomeone else.
(18:39):
You're trying to remember whoyou've always been underneath
all of the roles, and you don'thave to add one more thing to
your already packed life.
This isn't about creating moreto do's.
It's about bringing more ofyourself to what you're already
doing.
That's what this podcast is for.
That's what this week's freetool is designed to help with.
It's designed to give you agentle, guilt-free way to start
(19:00):
checking back in with yourselfwithout anyone feeling like
you're pulling away from them.
Because here's what actuallyhappens when you start taking
care of your own needs, too,everyone benefits.
You show up more present, moreenergized, more like person that
they fell in love with in thefirst place.
And I wanna share one more thingthat completely blew my mind.
Dr Kristen Knack did thisamazing research on
(19:22):
self-compassion, and what shefound is crazy.
So women who start treatingthemselves with even half the
kindness they show everyone else.
Their energy and lifesatisfaction went up by 43% in
one month.
43% in one month just frombeing half as gentle with
yourself as you are with yourbest friend.
So if something hit you orstirred inside of you today
(19:43):
while you've been listening, Iwant you to go grab your utmost
life check-in.
You can find it in the link inthe show notes or just go to
yourunmostselfcom forward slashalignment check-in.
Let today be the moment thatyou stop just surviving and
start coming home to yourself,because you are not alone in
this, you are not too far goneand you are absolutely not too
(20:03):
late.
So go grab that check-in, takea deep breath and remember this
is just the first step back toyou and that's exactly where you
belong.
Thanks for letting me chat withyou today.
It means the world.
I'll talk to you next week.
Have you ever felt tired in your bones?
Not just sleepy, but tired ofsomething you can't name, tired
of being you?
You're doing everything right,you might even be crushing it by
everyone else's standards, butyou wake up each morning feeling
like you're starting the dayalready behind, already depleted
.
You move through your hoursfeeling like you're just going
(00:21):
through the motions, like you'recarrying this heavy weight.
You fall into bed at night notjust physically tired, but
deeply tired, like a soul tired.
You're wondering what's wrongwith you.
Why can't you seem to find yourenergy, your spark, your you?
What if I told you that thetiredness you feel has nothing
to do with how much sleep yougot last night?
(00:42):
I want to say something thatmight feel a little different
from what you've heard before,but stay with me.
What if this exhaustion isn'tactually about needing more
sleep or better self-care?
What if there's something elsegoing on, something deeper that
no amount of rest seems to touch?
If you've been wondering whyyou can sleep seven hours and
(01:04):
still wake up tired, why quiettime doesn't quiet your mind, or
why you feel empty even whenyour life looks full, you're not
imagining it and you'redefinitely not broken.
Motherhood is a gift, but let'sbe honest, it can also leave
you feeling overwhelmed,invisible and disconnected from
the woman you once were.
If you ever wondered, who am Ibeyond being a mom, know this
(01:32):
you are not alone.
Welcome to your Upmost Life.
I'm Misty, a mom just like you,who has faced chaos, self-doubt
and the loss of identity,hitting rock bottom and emerging
stronger, with clarity,confidence and purpose.
Each week, we will explorepractical tools and
transformative truths to helpyou reclaim your identity,
rebuild your confidence andrediscover the joy that lights
you up.
On this journey.
Together, you'll break freefrom overwhelm, embrace your
(01:55):
worth and step fully into themost authentic version of
yourself.
Through heartfelt conversationsand actionable strategies, you
will learn how to design a lifethat excites and fulfills you, a
life where you become the womanyou were always meant to be,
because you're not just a mom.
You are so much more, and ifyou're ready to embrace her,
let's get started.
You know that moment whensomeone asks how are you and you
(02:16):
automatically say fine or busy,because you don't even know how
to name what you're actuallyfeeling that bone deep weariness
that has nothing to do withyour to-do list and everything
to do with how you feel likeyou're disappearing in your own
life.
This isn't about needing moresleep.
This is about a kind of fatiguethat lives deeper and places
(02:37):
rest can't reach.
And here's what I've discovered.
This exhaustion often shows upwhen you've been living so
focused on everyone else's needsthat we've lost touch with our
own.
I want you to know that you arenot alone.
Research proves this.
A 2023 study published in theJournal of Family Issues found
that 76% of mothers reportedfeeling completely overwhelmed
(03:01):
by their mental load.
You know what I'm talking about, don't you?
That invisible thing whereyou're always the one
remembering everything, not justthe big stuff, but all the
little details that keepeveryone else's lives running
smoothly.
And here's what nobody tellsyou when your kids get older,
that mental load doesn'tmagically disappear.
It actually gets weirder andheavier.
(03:22):
Like when they were little, youknew exactly what they needed
from you.
Now you're trying to figure outhow to care without hovering,
how to stay connected withoutbeing in clingy, or how to let
them fail without wanting toswoop in and fix everything.
Meanwhile, you're looking inthe mirror thinking who am I if
I'm not actively motheringsomeone?
I came across this study thatmade me go.
(03:43):
Yes, finally, someone gets.
It Turns out moms like us withkids who are 18 to 25 are
actually more exhausted thanmoms with newborns Can you
believe that?
More tired than women who areliterally up all night feeding
babies.
So not only were we tiredthrough pregnancy without sleep
when they were babies, but nowwe were actually even more
exhausted.
(04:03):
Nobody warns us of this orprepares us for this.
The researchers called it thisambiguous loss, which sounds
fancy, but basically it meansthat we're grieving something
that isn't really gone.
Our kids are still here, butour role as their primary,
everything that's shifted, andnobody prepared us for how
emotionally exhausting thatwould be.
(04:24):
And here's what's really wild.
There's actually brain sciencebehind why this feels so
exhausting.
I was reading about thisresearcher, dr Lisa Feldman
Barrett, and she talks aboutsomething called emotional
granularity.
Basically, it's your ability toactually know what you're
feeling and what you need in anygiven moment.
But here's the thing whenyou've spent years putting
(04:45):
everyone else's needs first,your brain literally forgets how
to read your own signals.
Think about it.
Your brain is this amazingprediction machine, right?
It's constantly trying tofigure out what you need to feel
good and to function well andhow to protect you.
But if you've been ignoringthose signals for years telling
yourself I'm fine, I don't needanything, everyone else comes
(05:07):
first.
Your brain gets confused.
It's like having a GPS thatcan't find your location anymore
.
So, instead of efficientlymanaging your energy, your brain
just keeps you in this lowlevel panic mode, constantly
scanning for what you'resupposed to do next, how you're
supposed to feel, who you'resupposed to be.
I read this study from Stanfordthat just blew my mind.
They looked at women who hadthe hardest time answering the
(05:29):
question who am I?
And these women had stresshormones running through their
bodies all day long, not becauseanything dramatic was happening
, but because their brains wereliterally working overtime,
trying to figure out who theywere supposed to be at that
moment.
Oh my goodness, that explainsso much.
Our brains are literally tryingto figure out who they were
supposed to be at that moment.
Oh my goodness, that explainsso much.
Our brains are literally tryingto figure out in every single
(05:49):
moment Am I a mom?
Am I a wife?
Am I a daughter?
Am I a friend?
Oh my goodness, what am Isupposed to be doing?
Am I the cab driver?
It's exhausting, right.
So here's what I have figuredout, both from diving into the
research and, honestly, justliving this myself.
There's this thing called themental load that we carry, and
when your kids are young adults,oh my goodness, it gets so much
heavier and way morecomplicated.
(06:10):
Like it's not just rememberingto pick up milk anymore.
Now it's stuff like, okay, your20 year old calls you stressed
about their job, and you spendthe next three hours mentally
rehearsing what you should havesaid differently.
Or they make a decision and youthink it's a mistake, and
you're lying awake at nighttrying to figure out how you can
be supportive without beingthat mom who swoops in to fix
everything, and how to not soundlike you're nagging.
(06:32):
And then there's all theemotional processing we do like
grieving the fact that theydon't need you the same way
anymore, while simultaneouslytrying to figure out who you are
if you're not activelymothering someone, or managing
your own feelings about theirindependency while trying to
celebrate it, navigating all thefamily dynamics when everyone's
relationships are shifting.
(06:54):
I came across this study thatliterally made me want to cry.
Researchers found that momslike us spend over three hours
every single day just thinkingabout and emotionally processing
our family's needs.
Three hours, that's 23 hours aweek of mental energy that
nobody sees, nobody acknowledgesand, honestly, half the time we
don't even realize we're doingit ourselves.
(07:15):
And let's talk about thecultural piece for a moment
because, honestly, the messagesthat we are getting are
absolutely insane.
Society basically tells us thatwe should glide gracefully from
intensive hands-on parentinginto the whole rediscovering
yourself phase.
And oh, by the way, your houseshould be clean, it should be
Pinterest worthy, your marriageshould be thriving and if you
(07:36):
have a career, you should becrushing that too.
Like, seriously, what I saw.
This research from Pew thatjust made me so mad.
68% of moms feel like they haveto appear perfectly composed
during this whole launchingphase.
Get this.
81 of us say that this stage isactually harder emotionally
(07:57):
than when our kids were toddlers.
So we're supposed to look likewe have it all figured out
during what might be the mostconfusing times of our lives.
Think about the impossibleexpectations we're supposed to
let go gracefully but still beavailable whenever they need us.
Celebrate independency whyquietly grieving that they don't
need us the same way?
Or reinventing ourselves, butnot change too much, because
(08:21):
everyone still needs us to be us.
I absolutely agree with BreneBrown when you are trying to
hold all these contradictoryfeelings, all these emotions,
without being allowed toactually feel them or talk about
them, because you have to bethe strong one, you have to be
supportive.
Your body literally never getsto relax.
It's like your nervous systemis constantly braced for the
(08:43):
next thing that you're supposedto be handling perfectly.
Exhaustion doesn't even beginto cover that.
For me, this kind of tirednessshowed up when I was doing all
the right things.
My house was clean, everyonewas fed and happy.
I was anticipating needs beforepeople even knew they had them,
and happy I was anticipatingneeds before people even knew
they had them.
I was basically super mom andsuper wife rolled into one, and
(09:03):
yet yet inside I was empty.
And it wasn't because I didn'tlove my family or I didn't want
to take care of them Iabsolutely 1000% did, but
somewhere along the way I hadcompletely erased myself in the
process.
So I started digging intoresearch on sleep and energy and
, oh my gosh, what I foundexplained everything.
So there's this huge differencebetween your body resting and
(09:26):
your mind actually beingrestored.
Harvard did this study wherethey looked at people who were
living in ways that didn't matchwho they really were.
And here's the crazy part theyslept fine, normal sleep
patterns, getting their eighthours of sleep, but their bodies
weren't actually recovering.
It's like their minds neverfully shut down because there
was this constant backgroundtension between who they were
(09:48):
and how they were living.
Dr Matthew Walker, you know thesleep guy.
He explains that realrestoration only happens when
your conscious and unconsciousminds are on the same page.
But when you're constantlypushing down your own needs and
desires to be who everyone elseneeds you to be, your brain is
basically working the nightshift.
It's trying to process all theinternal conflict while you
(10:09):
sleep.
So you wake up having restedyour body but feeling like your
soul never got a break.
So basically, this exhaustioncreeps in when your identity
gets completely buried under allyour roles.
Like when was the last timesomeone called you by your
actual name instead of hey, mom,or hey, honey, or hey?
Can you help me with this?
After years of digging into this, both the research and honestly
(10:30):
just living it myself, Ifigured out there are seven
areas where we tend to loseourselves, and when we do,
that's when the real soul, deepfatigue, hits.
First.
There's knowing who you are,beyond all the hats you wear.
Like if you weren't activelymothering or taking care of
everyone else, who would you be?
What would you like?
Research shows that women whoactually answer the question are
(10:51):
40% less exhausted than thoseof us who define ourselves
entirely through ourrelationships.
And, oh my goodness, there'sthat voice in your head, what
you say to yourself, that trulyimpacts your life.
Ucla found that when we'reconstantly criticizing ourselves
internally, our stress hormonespikes like 35%.
So that exhaustion you feelsome of it literally might be
(11:14):
coming from how you talk toyourself.
And here's the deal actuallyexpressing what you need and
what you want, instead of juststuffing it down, is so vital.
When you constantly suppressyour authentic thoughts and
feelings, your nervous systemnever gets to relax.
It's like being on high alertall the time, which is
absolutely exhausting anddraining.
(11:34):
You know what I'm talking about.
It's that pit in your stomachwhen you begin to feel something
and you want to say it, but youchoose just to keep others
happy.
Feeling truly seen and heardisn't just nice to have.
It's actually necessary foryour brain to function well.
When you feel genuinelyunderstood by others, your body
recovers from stress faster anduses energy more efficiently.
(11:58):
Then there's living in a waythat actually matches your
values, not just what everyoneelse is expecting from you.
This isn't about having perfectroutines.
It's about making choices thatfeel right for who you actually
are.
Having a sense of purpose thatgoes beyond just taking things
off your to-do list gives youwhat psychologists call
(12:18):
meaningful wellbeing.
Basically, it's the kind oflife satisfaction that actually
energizes you instead ofdraining.
You Finally have some clarityabout where you're heading and
why it matters.
When your brain knows thedirection that you're going, it
can use your energy efficientlyinstead of keeping you in that
constant what's next preparationmode.
So how do you know if whatyou're dealing with is identity
(12:40):
fatigue and not just regularexhaustion?
Here are the signs I've noticedin my own life and honestly,
once I started paying attention,I saw them everywhere.
You get rest but don't actuallyfeel restored.
Like you finally decided you'regoing to take a whole Saturday
to do nothing, but then yourealize you still feel drained.
You get quiet time, but yourmind is still going a million
(13:01):
miles an hour.
You start feeling resentful,even though everything in your
life looks perfectly fine fromthe outside and here's a big one
.
You catch yourself saying Idon't know, or whatever works
for you way more than you shouldLike.
Someone asks what you want fordinner and you genuinely have no
idea.
Or you want to go on vacation,what movie you want to watch, or
(13:21):
what do you want to do thisweekend, and you have no idea.
Your mind is completely blankand then it starts searching for
the right answer, you know that, one that will please everyone.
You feel invisible, and here'sthe really hard part.
You feel invisible even toyourself, like you've become
this supporting character inyour own life, like you're
living a half-life, likesomething is missing, something
(13:42):
is off.
If you've been telling yourselfthings like I just need a good
night's sleep, or this is justanother busy season, or other
women handle way more than meand I just can't seem to get it
together.
But deep down you're thinking Iam so tired I don't even care
anymore.
If any of those feel familiar,then, yes, you know exactly what
I'm talking about.
(14:03):
But listen, come back to me.
I need you to hear this.
What you're feeling isn'tweakness, this is disconnection.
There is a huge difference.
When you're disconnected fromyour core self, your actual
needs, your real voice, what yougenuinely want, your whole
system just starts breaking down.
(14:23):
Because here's the thing youweren't designed to live on
autopilot forever.
You were made to live withintention, and when you lose
that sense of purpose, yourenergy disappears with it.
Now, living with intention doesnot mean that you need some
perfect morning routine or a10-step plan for your life.
It just means being present inyour own life, living a whole
(14:43):
life instead of living ahalf-life.
It's as simple as askingyourself things like what do I
actually need today?
What really matters to me rightnow?
Where am I saying yes because Ifeel guilty instead of because
it feels right?
So how do you startreconnecting with yourself?
You start small.
You just notice.
Notice when you say yes, whenyour whole body feels like
(15:05):
screaming.
No.
Notice those brief moments whenyou actually feel energized,
even if they're rare.
Or notice when you feel empty,resentful or like you don't even
exist in your own life.
And then you start askingyourself the deeper questions
what do I miss about myself?
When do I feel most like me?
And here's the deal.
(15:26):
Researchers at University ofPennsylvania found that people
who spend just five minutes aday checking in with themselves
not making to-do lists orsetting goals, but actually
asking themselves how am I doing?
How am I feeling those peoplehad more energy within two weeks
.
Five minutes per day for twoweeks.
That's it.
To get more energy?
(15:47):
Heck yeah.
If those questions feelimpossible to answer right now,
that's totally okay.
That doesn't mean that you'rebroken or behind or doing
anything wrong.
It just means you've been insurvival mode for a really long
time.
That's actually why I createdyour utmost life alignment
check-in.
It's this gentle way to startreconnecting with yourself,
(16:08):
without adding any pressure ormaking you feel like you've just
got handed another assignmentfor your already overwhelming
life.
The check-in walks you throughthose seven areas we just talked
about things like knowing whoyou are beyond all your roles,
actually supporting yourselfinstead of tearing yourself down
or expressing what you reallythink and feel, feeling
genuinely seen by the people inyour life, and living a way that
(16:31):
matches your values, having asense of purpose and getting
some clarity about where you'reheaded.
But here's what I love about itit doesn't expect you to fix
everything at once, because,honestly, who has time for that?
Instead, just ask yourself topick one word to focus on this
week and one tiny action to take.
That's it, and the researchbacks this up.
(16:52):
Real lasting change happensthrough those small shifts, not
through completely overhaulingyour entire life overnight,
because, let's be honest, you'realready exhausted.
The last thing you need is somemassive self-improvement
project.
If you're multitasking, comeback to me, because I really
need you to hear this you arenot weak, you are not behind,
(17:13):
you are not broken.
You're tired because you'vebeen holding up everyone else's
world without letting anyonehold up yours.
You've created this beautifullife that works perfectly for
everyone else.
You've been the one keepingeverything together your home,
your marriage, your kids, yourwhole family.
You've juggled it all and,honestly, you've done an amazing
(17:35):
job.
But here's what I want you toremember you don't just manage a
life, you actually have one too, and your life doesn't have to
be about just getting througheach day and calling that
strength.
It can be about coming back toyourself, restoring what's been
depleted, rebuilding thatconnection to who you really are
.
And here's the really good newsScientists have proven that
(17:56):
your brain can actually changeat any age.
So those patterns of puttingeveryone else first and losing
yourself in the process, they'renot permanent.
The pathways back to feelingalive and energized again, they
can absolutely be rebuilt, butit starts with just being aware
of what's actually happening,and awareness starts with asking
yourself the right questionsinstead of just pushing through
(18:18):
one more day, and I know whatyou might be thinking right now.
This sounds great, but how do Ido this without making everyone
else feel like I don't love ourlife?
What if my family thinks I'mbeing selfish?
What if they get insecure,thinking I want to become
someone completely different?
Listen, you can absolutelyreconnect with yourself without
anyone feeling threatened orunloved.
You're not trying to becomesomeone else.
(18:39):
You're trying to remember whoyou've always been underneath
all of the roles, and you don'thave to add one more thing to
your already packed life.
This isn't about creating moreto do's.
It's about bringing more ofyourself to what you're already
doing.
That's what this podcast is for.
That's what this week's freetool is designed to help with.
It's designed to give you agentle, guilt-free way to start
(19:00):
checking back in with yourselfwithout anyone feeling like
you're pulling away from them.
Because here's what actuallyhappens when you start taking
care of your own needs, too,everyone benefits.
You show up more present, moreenergized, more like person that
they fell in love with in thefirst place.
And I wanna share one more thingthat completely blew my mind.
Dr Kristen Knack did thisamazing research on
(19:22):
self-compassion, and what shefound is crazy.
So women who start treatingthemselves with even half the
kindness they show everyone else.
Their energy and lifesatisfaction went up by 43% in
one month.
43% in one month just frombeing half as gentle with
yourself as you are with yourbest friend.
So if something hit you orstirred inside of you today
(19:43):
while you've been listening, Iwant you to go grab your utmost
life check-in.
You can find it in the link inthe show notes or just go to
yourunmostselfcom forward slashalignment check-in.
Let today be the moment thatyou stop just surviving and
start coming home to yourself,because you are not alone in
this, you are not too far goneand you are absolutely not too
(20:03):
late.
So go grab that check-in, takea deep breath and remember this
is just the first step back toyou and that's exactly where you
belong.
Thanks for letting me chat withyou today.
It means the world.
I'll talk to you next week.
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