March 12, 2024 • 21 mins
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When the roles we've cherished fall away, who do we become? Our latest episode welcomes a conversation that sheds light on the struggles of redefining oneself amidst pivotal life shifts. We get intimate about the grief and the unexpected joy in rediscovering passions that were once overshadowed by our previous identities.
This heartfelt discussion also uncovers the intricate ties between our sense of self and overall well-being. We all face those moments when simple questions like "What are your hobbies?" confront us with the voids left by our lost identities. But it's here, in the thick of these challenges, that we chart a course for mental health and personal value. Learn how to cultivate self-awareness and core values as anchors in this sea of change, and gain practical tools for crafting your life's visual compass. Join us and be part of a community on a quest to find peace and fulfillment beyond life's defining roles.
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Live group recommendation based on this episode:
Self-love & self-care: it's not about ego
Date: 3/21/24 Time: 2pm EST
Description: As those that work in healthcare, we are great at caring for others but often do not prioritize ourselves. We will explore the importance of self-love and self-care for our mental, emotional, and physical health.
If you just found our podcast and missed the connecting live group, explore this month's live group schedule
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Cabana content recommendations based on this episode:
- Understanding your current narrative
- What’s an inner voice?
- Embrace being enough
- Unlock your inner compass
This week’s source notes:
Symptoms of lose of identity
https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/identity-crisis#outlook
When lose of identity becomes an identity crisis
https://www.betterup.com/blog/identity-crisis
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:03):
Welcome back to You're Always Fine a space to
show up for yourself and embracethe mess that lives underneath.
Because, let's be real, it'sexhausting always being fine.
So grab your headphones andallow yourself to listen, laugh
and even cry, because you arenot alone.
And we aren't always fine, andthat's okay.
Speaker 2 (00:27):
Did you know that a significant life event, such as
a career change or arelationship with you, can
trigger feelings of lostidentity?
Well, today we're exploring thereasons behind this phenomenon
and how to reclaim our sense ofself.
Welcome to, you're Always Fine,I'm your host, christine.
Speaker 3 (00:41):
And I'm Teresa, so let's freaking get into it.
Speaker 2 (00:45):
Alright, so went over to the APA and got this
definition for us to kind ofground us.
So a loss of identity canhappen at any time and it is not
related to like age or gender.
An expert say that it can betriggered when a person enters
kind of like a new era of lifethat makes them question their
basic understanding of self.
Speaker 3 (01:06):
Yeah, I feel like this one's hard for me, because
if you asked me how many times Ifeel like I lost my identity,
I've lost count.
To be completely honest, everytime I feel like something would
happen in my life where I wouldhave to gain a new sense of
self, something else wouldhappen, and I have to reinvent
myself over and over again.
Speaker 2 (01:26):
So this one's tough for me and it's interesting.
I don't know if we alwaysidentify it or label it as like
a loss of self or identitycrisis, because sometimes I
think it happens like slowly.
Speaker 3 (01:38):
Yeah, for me, I would say, my first loss of identity,
or like loss of self, was whenI got hurt at work and then I
could no longer do my career,which I felt like I worked so
hard for.
I put hours and hours ofstudying.
I did that job for six years asa cardiovascular specialist and
I loved it.
(01:58):
So when you spend all that timein something that you really,
really love and then it's takenfrom you and it's such a big
thing that's taken from youyou're like holy shit, like who
am I and what am I supposed todo now?
Speaker 2 (02:11):
Exactly, and I think some of the symptoms or some of
the like, the signs that you'redefinitely kind of in this space
, is like questioning who youare, a lot of like personal
conflict.
I know, when I entered like therare disease space I really
struggled with like who I wasand who I was becoming and like
that conflict.
I didn't align all the time andthat was like very jarring.
Speaker 3 (02:36):
Yeah, for me, my career, right.
I know that I could no longerdo it, but I wasn't ready to
close that door and it was likeit was already closed for me.
But I still had mycertification, right.
So I still had my certificationand I think I asked you about
it.
I was like, dude, what should Ido?
Like my certification's comingup, should I research myself
Just because I was like I don'twant to lose my certification.
(02:58):
But I knew in my head, likewhat are you gonna do with it?
You're gonna spend this timeand money and re-serving
yourself, and it's for what?
So that was really like whenyou really close the door, it's
accepting that like okay, I'm nolonger that person or that no
longer identifies me and now Ineed to move forward.
Speaker 2 (03:19):
I remember that conversation and I had said to
you at the time well, don't getrid of it yet If you still need
your grieving process or youstill need it in your like to
move forward.
Because I think that's what itis it is a grieving process.
It is a non-linear process.
Really, I've watched you kindof go through like moments of
(03:39):
being okay and then times wherelike it could be really low.
Speaker 3 (03:43):
Yeah, yeah, and those times would hit me like a ton
of bricks and it would always belike my best friend still works
where I used to work and so weused to work together and I
always thought I was fine.
But then when I would hang outwith her when you hang out with
people, you always want to askthem about themselves also, so
I'd be like how's work or how'slife or whatever, and I'd hear
(04:04):
her talk about it and it wouldjust hit me like a ton of bricks
when I was just like, oh my God, I can't believe I'm no longer
doing this.
So it is really hard and lossof identity happens along the
way to everyone in all differentshapes of form.
Like you said, you were atotally, completely different
person before.
You had your struggles withrare disease and stuff like that
.
Like I know that that wasdifficult and still is difficult
(04:26):
for you.
Speaker 2 (04:27):
Yeah, it's definitely not linear.
It comes in different forms and, to your point, I think, when
you don't have a choice in thematter, it's its own set of
struggles, like getting sick,having a surgery that means that
you can't do a job anymore.
But then there's things likewhen you get married, divorce,
or when you have children, likethere's a huge loss of identity
(04:50):
when you have kids.
I've watched you, I've watchedmy sister really try to figure
out who they are now that theyhave this thing that they love
so much.
But it kind of takes over.
Who are they without them?
It's like the empty nestsyndrome.
I don't even know what you'regonna do when your kids are not
in the house, oh my God.
Speaker 3 (05:09):
So my parents are experiencing that right now.
For those of you that arelistening that don't know, I'm
one of 11, I've got six sistersand four brothers, so empty nest
syndrome is hitting them hard.
Like my youngest sister is goneNow my parents keep themselves
busy, but like that is a cultureshock.
My mom, her whole life, hadkids in the house and I was
(05:29):
thinking, like dude, she must begoing crazy and I thought about
that and that is really whatmade me get more into social
media, get more into things Icould physically do and control
and things that I could haveoutside of my kids.
Because it's true, michael'snine in nine years.
Like he's going to be gone, I'mkeep my shit together, but like
(05:53):
I'm not going to have him hereoh, and I'll be shortly after
that you need to find thingsthat you enjoy doing that don't
center around your children, andthat's hard, but it's necessary
.
Speaker 2 (06:08):
Well, yeah, because identity is we don't realize.
Our identity becomes more thanjust this internal thing, right,
and it affects our socialconnections, who you hang out
with, like your overallwell-being.
It also tethers you to yourpeople and I think that's what
like compounds to right.
You're talking about your bestfriend who still works in the
(06:28):
cat lab and you know she comeshome with stories that you no
longer like share.
That's a hard thing.
Speaker 3 (06:36):
Yeah, it's hard and I but I think, if you recognize
it, I've been able to just letmyself sit with those feelings
because I'm never going to hangout with her and not ask her
about such a huge part of herlife, because it just digs a
little deep at me.
I'm not going to do thatbecause I know it's a big part
of who she is and she should beable to talk about it.
(06:57):
But it took me teaching myselfto sit with those feelings and
just try and remind myself thatthere's like a bigger picture
and there's a reason why my lifeis happening the way it is and
there's a reason why I don'thave all the answers and I'm
just trying to kind of weavethat into every single time I
deal with reinventing myself.
(07:19):
I'm just trying to rememberthere's a reason.
And if you think about it thatway and sit with your feelings,
I think it's easier to deal with.
Speaker 2 (07:27):
A hundred percent, I think, to identity, and the loss
of identity usually comes tobecause we haven't done a ton of
work around who we are aspeople outside of, like what we
do, what we produce, where wework we cling on to, I think,
the easy examples of, or theeasy attributes of identity,
(07:49):
things that are very outwardinstead of things that are more
inward, like your values.
Your values are a huge part ofyour identity.
Have you done much work on yourvalues?
Do you really know your corefour values?
Because if you do, you can usethat as a compass.
That doesn't mean you're notgoing to have the feelings or
that grief we're talking about,but if you sit down and really
(08:10):
calibrate your compass tointernally what's right for you,
feels good for you, then everyera that you come in is going to
be the same person, just movingthrough different chapters.
Speaker 3 (08:21):
That's so true, that's so good, and I think it's
hard to remember that whenyou're losing things.
I remember I couldn't no longerdo basketball.
I was having babies and then Ihad a surgery in between there
and then I couldn't lift thekids and it was just like, oh my
God, everything's crumblingaround me.
But, like you said, if I can goback to my core values and
what's important to me, thenwhatever the change is happening
(08:44):
that I can't control, I'll beable to move forward.
So I think that's no-transcriptPerfect and I think, especially
in your case, with everythingthat you're dealing with, I
think that's essential.
Speaker 2 (08:58):
And it's actually one of the reasons I had such a
hard time transitioning from.
I mean, you know this.
I would say all the time I'm atthe door of acceptance but I
can't walk through it.
It's not like I don't want toaccept it, but it was my
therapist kind of called me outand was just like, well, that's
because you never really knewwho that other person was.
So now you have this stance andyou know who you are and you're
(09:18):
trying to combine these twothings, but you didn't ever
really know who that person wasand that was like my job moment
For me.
I was like you're right, likeI've always calibrated to the
room around me or, you know, tomy job, like you know the
definition of success and allthose like fake metrics were
kind of being taken away from me, as I couldn't do things the
way I used to and I had tofigure out who am I and who do I
(09:42):
want to be?
And that, but that's been.
That journey of like figuringout me has been incredibly
healing and also given me such afoundation, which is why I
always say that my disease hasgiven me more than it's taken,
which is kind of crazy, becausethis disease has taken a lot.
Speaker 3 (10:00):
Yeah, yeah.
What do you think has been thebiggest thing that you have
learned in terms of being whoyou were before you got sick and
who you are now Like?
What is your biggest takeawayfrom that?
Speaker 2 (10:12):
That truly everything that I need is inside me, like
I have an.
You have an immense amount ofpower and control over your life
If you kind of do the workinternally to understand your
internal landscape.
Why, when you have big emotions, are those big emotions like?
Do the work to figure it out sothat when they come you can
(10:33):
just feel them, label them,process them and move forward,
as opposed to just allowing thesubconscious to kind of drive
everything.
And that's been the biggestshift for me has been that you
know I don't need a job or thisor that or a relationship to
make me whole, like I can giveall that stuff to myself and it
(10:53):
makes every problem seem small,smaller and figure outable.
Speaker 3 (10:58):
You know, like yeah, Like you're able to work with it
whatever gets thrown your way.
Speaker 2 (11:02):
I might not be happy.
I might, you know, be a littlesalty, you know a little come on
JC moment, of course.
It feels like it just keepsthrowing stuff at you, but again
, those are those big emotionsyou have around it, as opposed
to staying in that big emotionand then letting that dictate
the next like decision pass.
Speaker 3 (11:21):
Yeah, I think that's huge.
That was a big thing for me.
Even back to when I had Owenand Owen's diagnosis.
I remember feeling such bigemotions and not really knowing
how to handle them, and somepeople within the BWS community
that were further along in theirjourney with it were really
sympathetic to me at all, I mean, you know, and they basically
were like oh, like it's no bigdeal, because they were on the
(11:42):
other end of things.
No one really said or told methat it was okay to sit with my
feelings and it was okay to feel.
What I felt and so that was mybiggest takeaway from being in
that space in the beginning wasI was like I am never going to
not allow new BWS families whenthey ask for my advice.
I'm never going to tell themthat their feelings aren't valid
(12:04):
or not real or don't seem asbig as they are, and so that's
what I took away from it.
Like let yourself feel the bigfeelings but then move forward
and you know, if you deal withbig feelings again, deal with
them.
But I think that's true.
Like instead of just brushingover them, then you're going to
be dealing with them way downthe road.
Speaker 2 (12:25):
And I think one of the things I see a lot in my
clients, my family, my friends,is this need to feel like, well,
somebody has it worse or and Ithink that's so dangerous like
yes, like if you're goingthrough this shift in identity
because you lost a job or youknow you've got a diagnosis in
(12:46):
your own health or someone youlove my wife went from being a
Partner to a caretaker you know,like that's like shift, so
whether you can control it ornot, just because somebody was
dealt different cards than youwere, doesn't mean that
Invalidates your experience.
like yeah they're not into likependant, and when you do that,
(13:07):
what you do is you're justtelling yourself Get over it, or
like tough enough, kind of, andyou're not doing yourself any
favors as it relates to youremotions because, again,
emotions are just signals fromyour brain that, like something
is not at baseline and so allowthose to happen.
Speaker 3 (13:23):
Well, yeah, and I never understood that mentality.
I don't know.
Do you want to win the awardfor who has it worse?
Of course someone could have itworse, like you could do that
with anything, absolutelyanything.
But do you actually wantsomeone else to have it worse?
No, it, that was the one.
It was so toxic and some peopledon't mean it when they say
stuff like that, but when youactually think about it, it's
(13:46):
like don't say that to someone.
Speaker 2 (13:49):
Yes, exactly like it could always be worse, is just
an invalidating statement, andso don't do it to yourself and
be a fine foe when you're likeputting that in the world,
because, again, I think we dothat at times because we don't
know what to say.
Yes we want to be optimisticand the reality of this is that
it's a loss.
It's an unconventional loss,100%.
(14:09):
How did you know, I guess, thatyou were losing a part of your
identity?
Because I don't think for me, Ihad really any idea what it was
happening.
Speaker 3 (14:20):
I knew when my husband, mike, started Talking
to me about it and asking mewhat my hobbies were.
I yes.
I hate that question so much andhe was like well, what are your
hobbies?
And I was like basketball.
He's like no, basketball isn'tyour hobby, because that's your
(14:43):
identity, that's who you'reidentifying with.
He's like I'm saying a hobbylike reading a book or read like
so when he started to breakthis down for me, that's when I
really knew, like that's why Ifeel such a great sense of loss,
because these aren't hobbiesfor me.
I built my life around thesethings.
My job wasn't a nine-to-fivejob.
I was there 40 to 60 hours aweek helping people, saving
(15:06):
their lives, like it was likenot a lifestyle, but it was like
something.
Speaker 2 (15:09):
Oh, it's a lifestyle.
I mean, yeah, it's like.
It is definitely a lifestylelike I think you know, like I
poured my heart and soul into it.
Speaker 3 (15:18):
And then, with basketball, I played basketball
ever since I was a little kidand continued even after college
.
So that's when I realized like,wow, this is why I feel so
horrible, because I don't haveanything else.
Like I had nothing to list off.
When Mike was like what hobbiesdo you have?
And aside from work andbasketball, I had nothing.
(15:39):
I'm like, oh my God.
Speaker 2 (15:42):
Well, think about it.
I mean, it makes sense, right?
You derived your worst fromthose things and I think that's
another part of identity.
It's a lot of times where we getour worst from, which is why
it's so important, in my opinion, to shift that internally so
that you're insourcing thatworst so that, no matter what
changes right, because life isgoing to change you don't depend
(16:02):
on it for your self-worth.
It's not based on what youproduce Like.
It's not like you're out thereplaying basketball just because
you were doing hoops right now.
You played in college.
There was a benefit of youplaying.
It became part of work andresponsibilities and those
aren't hobbies.
So kudos to Mike.
Speaker 3 (16:23):
He's such a shit and he still brings that up, Like I
haven't seen you reading a book.
I haven't read a book lately.
I'm like listen, all right,leave me be, I'll open a book in
a little bit.
Speaker 2 (16:35):
No, it's hard.
I mean you always laugh at mebecause most of the time you're
like what are you doing?
It's like I take something thatI could be a hobby and then I
just always pull it over theline to make it into like, but
this also could be a business.
Yeah yeah.
And, like you know, that'ssomething I'm constantly trying
to like monitor, like not makingeverything.
I do have this like purpose oroutcome driven.
Speaker 3 (16:59):
That's what it is, the fine things that don't
necessarily have to have apurpose or an end point type of
thing, and that sounds bad whenyou say it that way, but I think
for me coloring I like beingcreative, you know, but coloring
is something I could just doand half finish and not feel bad
about it, and I'm not someonethat usually does that, so that
(17:22):
would be a hobby for me, like Ican enjoy coloring and close the
book you know, and also right,nobody benefits from you
coloring except for like you inthe moment, right, like nobody
get, there's no, there's no cellnetwork, there's no, you know
doing it Right.
Speaker 2 (17:40):
And so exactly, and I think for me, I always, am like
constantly being like skincare.
It sounds silly as a hobby butlike that is like one of my most
purest things, because I don'teven sure if it benefits me, but
it's five minutes and I likenot.
I can for sure say it is notoutcome driven or like doesn't
have a purpose.
So the last kind of thing I wantto talk about is when it gets
(18:01):
more serious, like the loss ofidentity, and it kind of like
steps into becoming cripplingand going down a more dangerous
path.
So identity is one of theleading factors to a depressive
episode.
Speaker 3 (18:14):
I'm not sure if you knew that.
Speaker 2 (18:15):
I just found that.
I was researching for thisepisode, I found that and I was
like, wow, I mean, it makessense, because when you lose a
sense of like who you are, itcan 100% lead to, you know, an
acute depressive episode.
And if you're not payingattention to your body and the
stressors that are in your lifeat the time such as, you know,
getting married, gettingdivorced, moving, you know new
(18:38):
health issues, etc.
You'll end up kind of in asituation where you're you're
battling Some form of depression, whether that be acute or
chronic, depending on the timeframe.
And that's when you knowPrevention helps, I guess, is.
My point is that, like, callingit out, asking yourself the
questions like what qualitiesare defining you?
(19:00):
What characteristics areimportant to you to seek out
other?
What grounds you again Like Ican't emphasize values enough
and you're doing the hard workof like, what are my core for
values?
And defining the word, becausewe put more motions on words a
lot, and so sometimes we'retalking about like Loyalty, but
what we really do it likethrough the behaviors.
(19:23):
We're actually sayingconsistency, right, like you
show up all the time you, you'rethis, and it's like, yeah, it
could be loyalty, but thebehaviors you're listing that
come with that value, how youlive that value every day.
It's like more aligned withconsistency.
So do that hard work offiguring out like how you show
these values and how you assessfor them to be in your life,
(19:43):
because those can serve as agreat compass for.
Speaker 3 (19:48):
Identity yeah, a hundred percent.
Speaker 2 (19:50):
I couldn't agree more before we go, I'm going to
leave you with this Tool to takewith you, and that is don't
just think about your values,guys.
It is important to do outwardexpression.
So, whether that be talk toanother friend, grab your
journal, write out not only thevalue, but you want to write out
the definition as you definedit.
(20:12):
And then you want to dobehaviors.
The behaviors are so important.
Values aren't meant to bestrived for, they're meant to be
lived.
So, to figure out your values,you want to go ahead and list
out all the ways that you livethis value, all the ways that
People who are closest to youshow you that this value you
know is important to themthrough their behaviors, and
(20:33):
then Work your way to make surethat every value on that list
you have this for.
And then choose your, your topfour, and Kind of create a
visual compass for yourself sothat when times get tough, cuz
it a hundred percent will.
You have that as a way to helpyou navigate and you have that
mental picture of like, if Iremember nothing else, what is
(20:55):
my North Star value?
Love it incredibly valuable.
Ha, I didn't mean to do that.
We will catch you next week onanother episode of your always
fine until then, mind yourhealth.
Seriously, you're fine.
Speaker 4 (21:09):
You're fine because you have the power to access
your place of peace anytime youneed it.
However, if you get stuck orright at the palm of your hand
to help Check out our show notesfor this week's source list,
recommended content and cabanalive group schedule, we'll catch
you next week for a brand newepisode of you're always fine.
Welcome back to You're Always Fine a space to
show up for yourself and embracethe mess that lives underneath.
Because, let's be real, it'sexhausting always being fine.
So grab your headphones andallow yourself to listen, laugh
and even cry, because you arenot alone.
And we aren't always fine, andthat's okay.
Speaker 2 (00:27):
Did you know that a significant life event, such as
a career change or arelationship with you, can
trigger feelings of lostidentity?
Well, today we're exploring thereasons behind this phenomenon
and how to reclaim our sense ofself.
Welcome to, you're Always Fine,I'm your host, christine.
Speaker 3 (00:41):
And I'm Teresa, so let's freaking get into it.
Speaker 2 (00:45):
Alright, so went over to the APA and got this
definition for us to kind ofground us.
So a loss of identity canhappen at any time and it is not
related to like age or gender.
An expert say that it can betriggered when a person enters
kind of like a new era of lifethat makes them question their
basic understanding of self.
Speaker 3 (01:06):
Yeah, I feel like this one's hard for me, because
if you asked me how many times Ifeel like I lost my identity,
I've lost count.
To be completely honest, everytime I feel like something would
happen in my life where I wouldhave to gain a new sense of
self, something else wouldhappen, and I have to reinvent
myself over and over again.
Speaker 2 (01:26):
So this one's tough for me and it's interesting.
I don't know if we alwaysidentify it or label it as like
a loss of self or identitycrisis, because sometimes I
think it happens like slowly.
Speaker 3 (01:38):
Yeah, for me, I would say, my first loss of identity,
or like loss of self, was whenI got hurt at work and then I
could no longer do my career,which I felt like I worked so
hard for.
I put hours and hours ofstudying.
I did that job for six years asa cardiovascular specialist and
I loved it.
(01:58):
So when you spend all that timein something that you really,
really love and then it's takenfrom you and it's such a big
thing that's taken from youyou're like holy shit, like who
am I and what am I supposed todo now?
Speaker 2 (02:11):
Exactly, and I think some of the symptoms or some of
the like, the signs that you'redefinitely kind of in this space
, is like questioning who youare, a lot of like personal
conflict.
I know, when I entered like therare disease space I really
struggled with like who I wasand who I was becoming and like
that conflict.
I didn't align all the time andthat was like very jarring.
Speaker 3 (02:36):
Yeah, for me, my career, right.
I know that I could no longerdo it, but I wasn't ready to
close that door and it was likeit was already closed for me.
But I still had mycertification, right.
So I still had my certificationand I think I asked you about
it.
I was like, dude, what should Ido?
Like my certification's comingup, should I research myself
Just because I was like I don'twant to lose my certification.
(02:58):
But I knew in my head, likewhat are you gonna do with it?
You're gonna spend this timeand money and re-serving
yourself, and it's for what?
So that was really like whenyou really close the door, it's
accepting that like okay, I'm nolonger that person or that no
longer identifies me and now Ineed to move forward.
Speaker 2 (03:19):
I remember that conversation and I had said to
you at the time well, don't getrid of it yet If you still need
your grieving process or youstill need it in your like to
move forward.
Because I think that's what itis it is a grieving process.
It is a non-linear process.
Really, I've watched you kindof go through like moments of
(03:39):
being okay and then times wherelike it could be really low.
Speaker 3 (03:43):
Yeah, yeah, and those times would hit me like a ton
of bricks and it would always belike my best friend still works
where I used to work and so weused to work together and I
always thought I was fine.
But then when I would hang outwith her when you hang out with
people, you always want to askthem about themselves also, so
I'd be like how's work or how'slife or whatever, and I'd hear
(04:04):
her talk about it and it wouldjust hit me like a ton of bricks
when I was just like, oh my God, I can't believe I'm no longer
doing this.
So it is really hard and lossof identity happens along the
way to everyone in all differentshapes of form.
Like you said, you were atotally, completely different
person before.
You had your struggles withrare disease and stuff like that
.
Like I know that that wasdifficult and still is difficult
(04:26):
for you.
Speaker 2 (04:27):
Yeah, it's definitely not linear.
It comes in different forms and, to your point, I think, when
you don't have a choice in thematter, it's its own set of
struggles, like getting sick,having a surgery that means that
you can't do a job anymore.
But then there's things likewhen you get married, divorce,
or when you have children, likethere's a huge loss of identity
(04:50):
when you have kids.
I've watched you, I've watchedmy sister really try to figure
out who they are now that theyhave this thing that they love
so much.
But it kind of takes over.
Who are they without them?
It's like the empty nestsyndrome.
I don't even know what you'regonna do when your kids are not
in the house, oh my God.
Speaker 3 (05:09):
So my parents are experiencing that right now.
For those of you that arelistening that don't know, I'm
one of 11, I've got six sistersand four brothers, so empty nest
syndrome is hitting them hard.
Like my youngest sister is goneNow my parents keep themselves
busy, but like that is a cultureshock.
My mom, her whole life, hadkids in the house and I was
(05:29):
thinking, like dude, she must begoing crazy and I thought about
that and that is really whatmade me get more into social
media, get more into things Icould physically do and control
and things that I could haveoutside of my kids.
Because it's true, michael'snine in nine years.
Like he's going to be gone, I'mkeep my shit together, but like
(05:53):
I'm not going to have him hereoh, and I'll be shortly after
that you need to find thingsthat you enjoy doing that don't
center around your children, andthat's hard, but it's necessary
.
Speaker 2 (06:08):
Well, yeah, because identity is we don't realize.
Our identity becomes more thanjust this internal thing, right,
and it affects our socialconnections, who you hang out
with, like your overallwell-being.
It also tethers you to yourpeople and I think that's what
like compounds to right.
You're talking about your bestfriend who still works in the
(06:28):
cat lab and you know she comeshome with stories that you no
longer like share.
That's a hard thing.
Speaker 3 (06:36):
Yeah, it's hard and I but I think, if you recognize
it, I've been able to just letmyself sit with those feelings
because I'm never going to hangout with her and not ask her
about such a huge part of herlife, because it just digs a
little deep at me.
I'm not going to do thatbecause I know it's a big part
of who she is and she should beable to talk about it.
(06:57):
But it took me teaching myselfto sit with those feelings and
just try and remind myself thatthere's like a bigger picture
and there's a reason why my lifeis happening the way it is and
there's a reason why I don'thave all the answers and I'm
just trying to kind of weavethat into every single time I
deal with reinventing myself.
(07:19):
I'm just trying to rememberthere's a reason.
And if you think about it thatway and sit with your feelings,
I think it's easier to deal with.
Speaker 2 (07:27):
A hundred percent, I think, to identity, and the loss
of identity usually comes tobecause we haven't done a ton of
work around who we are aspeople outside of, like what we
do, what we produce, where wework we cling on to, I think,
the easy examples of, or theeasy attributes of identity,
(07:49):
things that are very outwardinstead of things that are more
inward, like your values.
Your values are a huge part ofyour identity.
Have you done much work on yourvalues?
Do you really know your corefour values?
Because if you do, you can usethat as a compass.
That doesn't mean you're notgoing to have the feelings or
that grief we're talking about,but if you sit down and really
(08:10):
calibrate your compass tointernally what's right for you,
feels good for you, then everyera that you come in is going to
be the same person, just movingthrough different chapters.
Speaker 3 (08:21):
That's so true, that's so good, and I think it's
hard to remember that whenyou're losing things.
I remember I couldn't no longerdo basketball.
I was having babies and then Ihad a surgery in between there
and then I couldn't lift thekids and it was just like, oh my
God, everything's crumblingaround me.
But, like you said, if I can goback to my core values and
what's important to me, thenwhatever the change is happening
(08:44):
that I can't control, I'll beable to move forward.
So I think that's no-transcriptPerfect and I think, especially
in your case, with everythingthat you're dealing with, I
think that's essential.
Speaker 2 (08:58):
And it's actually one of the reasons I had such a
hard time transitioning from.
I mean, you know this.
I would say all the time I'm atthe door of acceptance but I
can't walk through it.
It's not like I don't want toaccept it, but it was my
therapist kind of called me outand was just like, well, that's
because you never really knewwho that other person was.
So now you have this stance andyou know who you are and you're
(09:18):
trying to combine these twothings, but you didn't ever
really know who that person wasand that was like my job moment
For me.
I was like you're right, likeI've always calibrated to the
room around me or, you know, tomy job, like you know the
definition of success and allthose like fake metrics were
kind of being taken away from me, as I couldn't do things the
way I used to and I had tofigure out who am I and who do I
(09:42):
want to be?
And that, but that's been.
That journey of like figuringout me has been incredibly
healing and also given me such afoundation, which is why I
always say that my disease hasgiven me more than it's taken,
which is kind of crazy, becausethis disease has taken a lot.
Speaker 3 (10:00):
Yeah, yeah.
What do you think has been thebiggest thing that you have
learned in terms of being whoyou were before you got sick and
who you are now Like?
What is your biggest takeawayfrom that?
Speaker 2 (10:12):
That truly everything that I need is inside me, like
I have an.
You have an immense amount ofpower and control over your life
If you kind of do the workinternally to understand your
internal landscape.
Why, when you have big emotions, are those big emotions like?
Do the work to figure it out sothat when they come you can
(10:33):
just feel them, label them,process them and move forward,
as opposed to just allowing thesubconscious to kind of drive
everything.
And that's been the biggestshift for me has been that you
know I don't need a job or thisor that or a relationship to
make me whole, like I can giveall that stuff to myself and it
(10:53):
makes every problem seem small,smaller and figure outable.
Speaker 3 (10:58):
You know, like yeah, Like you're able to work with it
whatever gets thrown your way.
Speaker 2 (11:02):
I might not be happy.
I might, you know, be a littlesalty, you know a little come on
JC moment, of course.
It feels like it just keepsthrowing stuff at you, but again
, those are those big emotionsyou have around it, as opposed
to staying in that big emotionand then letting that dictate
the next like decision pass.
Speaker 3 (11:21):
Yeah, I think that's huge.
That was a big thing for me.
Even back to when I had Owenand Owen's diagnosis.
I remember feeling such bigemotions and not really knowing
how to handle them, and somepeople within the BWS community
that were further along in theirjourney with it were really
sympathetic to me at all, I mean, you know, and they basically
were like oh, like it's no bigdeal, because they were on the
(11:42):
other end of things.
No one really said or told methat it was okay to sit with my
feelings and it was okay to feel.
What I felt and so that was mybiggest takeaway from being in
that space in the beginning wasI was like I am never going to
not allow new BWS families whenthey ask for my advice.
I'm never going to tell themthat their feelings aren't valid
(12:04):
or not real or don't seem asbig as they are, and so that's
what I took away from it.
Like let yourself feel the bigfeelings but then move forward
and you know, if you deal withbig feelings again, deal with
them.
But I think that's true.
Like instead of just brushingover them, then you're going to
be dealing with them way downthe road.
Speaker 2 (12:25):
And I think one of the things I see a lot in my
clients, my family, my friends,is this need to feel like, well,
somebody has it worse or and Ithink that's so dangerous like
yes, like if you're goingthrough this shift in identity
because you lost a job or youknow you've got a diagnosis in
(12:46):
your own health or someone youlove my wife went from being a
Partner to a caretaker you know,like that's like shift, so
whether you can control it ornot, just because somebody was
dealt different cards than youwere, doesn't mean that
Invalidates your experience.
like yeah they're not into likependant, and when you do that,
(13:07):
what you do is you're justtelling yourself Get over it, or
like tough enough, kind of, andyou're not doing yourself any
favors as it relates to youremotions because, again,
emotions are just signals fromyour brain that, like something
is not at baseline and so allowthose to happen.
Speaker 3 (13:23):
Well, yeah, and I never understood that mentality.
I don't know.
Do you want to win the awardfor who has it worse?
Of course someone could have itworse, like you could do that
with anything, absolutelyanything.
But do you actually wantsomeone else to have it worse?
No, it, that was the one.
It was so toxic and some peopledon't mean it when they say
stuff like that, but when youactually think about it, it's
(13:46):
like don't say that to someone.
Speaker 2 (13:49):
Yes, exactly like it could always be worse, is just
an invalidating statement, andso don't do it to yourself and
be a fine foe when you're likeputting that in the world,
because, again, I think we dothat at times because we don't
know what to say.
Yes we want to be optimisticand the reality of this is that
it's a loss.
It's an unconventional loss,100%.
(14:09):
How did you know, I guess, thatyou were losing a part of your
identity?
Because I don't think for me, Ihad really any idea what it was
happening.
Speaker 3 (14:20):
I knew when my husband, mike, started Talking
to me about it and asking mewhat my hobbies were.
I yes.
I hate that question so much andhe was like well, what are your
hobbies?
And I was like basketball.
He's like no, basketball isn'tyour hobby, because that's your
(14:43):
identity, that's who you'reidentifying with.
He's like I'm saying a hobbylike reading a book or read like
so when he started to breakthis down for me, that's when I
really knew, like that's why Ifeel such a great sense of loss,
because these aren't hobbiesfor me.
I built my life around thesethings.
My job wasn't a nine-to-fivejob.
I was there 40 to 60 hours aweek helping people, saving
(15:06):
their lives, like it was likenot a lifestyle, but it was like
something.
Speaker 2 (15:09):
Oh, it's a lifestyle.
I mean, yeah, it's like.
It is definitely a lifestylelike I think you know, like I
poured my heart and soul into it.
Speaker 3 (15:18):
And then, with basketball, I played basketball
ever since I was a little kidand continued even after college
.
So that's when I realized like,wow, this is why I feel so
horrible, because I don't haveanything else.
Like I had nothing to list off.
When Mike was like what hobbiesdo you have?
And aside from work andbasketball, I had nothing.
(15:39):
I'm like, oh my God.
Speaker 2 (15:42):
Well, think about it.
I mean, it makes sense, right?
You derived your worst fromthose things and I think that's
another part of identity.
It's a lot of times where we getour worst from, which is why
it's so important, in my opinion, to shift that internally so
that you're insourcing thatworst so that, no matter what
changes right, because life isgoing to change you don't depend
(16:02):
on it for your self-worth.
It's not based on what youproduce Like.
It's not like you're out thereplaying basketball just because
you were doing hoops right now.
You played in college.
There was a benefit of youplaying.
It became part of work andresponsibilities and those
aren't hobbies.
So kudos to Mike.
Speaker 3 (16:23):
He's such a shit and he still brings that up, Like I
haven't seen you reading a book.
I haven't read a book lately.
I'm like listen, all right,leave me be, I'll open a book in
a little bit.
Speaker 2 (16:35):
No, it's hard.
I mean you always laugh at mebecause most of the time you're
like what are you doing?
It's like I take something thatI could be a hobby and then I
just always pull it over theline to make it into like, but
this also could be a business.
Yeah yeah.
And, like you know, that'ssomething I'm constantly trying
to like monitor, like not makingeverything.
I do have this like purpose oroutcome driven.
Speaker 3 (16:59):
That's what it is, the fine things that don't
necessarily have to have apurpose or an end point type of
thing, and that sounds bad whenyou say it that way, but I think
for me coloring I like beingcreative, you know, but coloring
is something I could just doand half finish and not feel bad
about it, and I'm not someonethat usually does that, so that
(17:22):
would be a hobby for me, like Ican enjoy coloring and close the
book you know, and also right,nobody benefits from you
coloring except for like you inthe moment, right, like nobody
get, there's no, there's no cellnetwork, there's no, you know
doing it Right.
Speaker 2 (17:40):
And so exactly, and I think for me, I always, am like
constantly being like skincare.
It sounds silly as a hobby butlike that is like one of my most
purest things, because I don'teven sure if it benefits me, but
it's five minutes and I likenot.
I can for sure say it is notoutcome driven or like doesn't
have a purpose.
So the last kind of thing I wantto talk about is when it gets
(18:01):
more serious, like the loss ofidentity, and it kind of like
steps into becoming cripplingand going down a more dangerous
path.
So identity is one of theleading factors to a depressive
episode.
Speaker 3 (18:14):
I'm not sure if you knew that.
Speaker 2 (18:15):
I just found that.
I was researching for thisepisode, I found that and I was
like, wow, I mean, it makessense, because when you lose a
sense of like who you are, itcan 100% lead to, you know, an
acute depressive episode.
And if you're not payingattention to your body and the
stressors that are in your lifeat the time such as, you know,
getting married, gettingdivorced, moving, you know new
(18:38):
health issues, etc.
You'll end up kind of in asituation where you're you're
battling Some form of depression, whether that be acute or
chronic, depending on the timeframe.
And that's when you knowPrevention helps, I guess, is.
My point is that, like, callingit out, asking yourself the
questions like what qualitiesare defining you?
(19:00):
What characteristics areimportant to you to seek out
other?
What grounds you again Like Ican't emphasize values enough
and you're doing the hard workof like, what are my core for
values?
And defining the word, becausewe put more motions on words a
lot, and so sometimes we'retalking about like Loyalty, but
what we really do it likethrough the behaviors.
(19:23):
We're actually sayingconsistency, right, like you
show up all the time you, you'rethis, and it's like, yeah, it
could be loyalty, but thebehaviors you're listing that
come with that value, how youlive that value every day.
It's like more aligned withconsistency.
So do that hard work offiguring out like how you show
these values and how you assessfor them to be in your life,
(19:43):
because those can serve as agreat compass for.
Speaker 3 (19:48):
Identity yeah, a hundred percent.
Speaker 2 (19:50):
I couldn't agree more before we go, I'm going to
leave you with this Tool to takewith you, and that is don't
just think about your values,guys.
It is important to do outwardexpression.
So, whether that be talk toanother friend, grab your
journal, write out not only thevalue, but you want to write out
the definition as you definedit.
(20:12):
And then you want to dobehaviors.
The behaviors are so important.
Values aren't meant to bestrived for, they're meant to be
lived.
So, to figure out your values,you want to go ahead and list
out all the ways that you livethis value, all the ways that
People who are closest to youshow you that this value you
know is important to themthrough their behaviors, and
(20:33):
then Work your way to make surethat every value on that list
you have this for.
And then choose your, your topfour, and Kind of create a
visual compass for yourself sothat when times get tough, cuz
it a hundred percent will.
You have that as a way to helpyou navigate and you have that
mental picture of like, if Iremember nothing else, what is
(20:55):
my North Star value?
Love it incredibly valuable.
Ha, I didn't mean to do that.
We will catch you next week onanother episode of your always
fine until then, mind yourhealth.
Seriously, you're fine.
Speaker 4 (21:09):
You're fine because you have the power to access
your place of peace anytime youneed it.
However, if you get stuck orright at the palm of your hand
to help Check out our show notesfor this week's source list,
recommended content and cabanalive group schedule, we'll catch
you next week for a brand newepisode of you're always fine.
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