February 27, 2024 • 31 mins
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Have you ever felt guilt after realizing your actions didn't align with your values? You're far from alone in this emotional labyrinth. Today's heartfelt conversation takes a magnifying glass to guilt – that all-too-familiar self-conscious emotion that can drive us to amend our errors. We peel back layers of our personal stories, examining how guilt evolves through life's stages, and spotlight the poignant 'parent guilty' more commonly known as 'mom guilt' that seems an inescapable of the parenting experience.
As we thread through the chapters, the conversation pivots to the implications of mom guilt on our little ones, revealing the sobering reality that our internal battles can inadvertently sculpt their developing self-identities and life expectations. We'll chat about Kristine's journey through therapy, her quest for self-compassion amidst the chaos, and Theresa's daily struggle with mom guilt – all of it is laid bare. This episode isn't just a narrative; it's a communal space for understanding and speaking about what we often leave unsaid.
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Date: 3/14/2024 Time: 10am est.
Description: If you've ever experienced failure, you know that it can be a discouraging and frustrating experience. But what if failure was actually an opportunity for growth and learning?
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This week’s source notes:
Combatting the feeling of guilt
https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/how-to-stop-feeling-guilty
Ending the toxic guilt cycles
https://medium.com/mind-cafe/untwisting-your-thoughts-to-break-the-grip-of-toxic-guilt-a734ccb062e8
Symptoms of a guilt complex
https://www.verywe
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:03):
Welcome back to your.
Speaker 2 (00:04):
Always Fine a space to show up for yourself and
embrace the mess that livesunderneath.
Because, let's be real, it'sexhausting always being fine.
Speaker 1 (00:13):
So grab your headphones and allow yourself to
listen, laugh and even cry,because you are not alone, and
we aren't always fine, andthat's okay.
And and, and, and.
Speaker 2 (00:27):
We are here for another episode of your Always
Slide.
I'm your host, christine, andI'm Teresa.
Today we are tackling the heavyburden of guilt.
We all know that awful feelingof the pit in your stomach and
your internal voice on repeattelling you you did something
wrong.
Ready to dive into this complexemotion?
Tt?
Yes, let's do it.
(00:47):
Okay, let's start with definingguilt.
Can you read the definition Isent you for everyone?
Speaker 1 (00:55):
Yes, so the American Psychological Association
defines guilt as aself-conscious emotion
characterized by a painfulappraisal of having done or
thought something that is wrong,and often by a readiness to
take action designed to undo ormitigate this.
Speaker 2 (01:12):
Well, why does everything in the APA have to be
so wordy, but anyway.
So, in other words, guilt ispart of what encourages us to
play by the rules, which forsure complicates things when you
think about whose rules are youplaying by?
There's the obvious rules likeI don't know the law, but then
there's societal rules, culturalrules, and then our own
(01:32):
internal rules, which, of course, are our values.
That internal guilt that wefeel that causes so much
distress, is present whenthere's that internal conflict
between what you have done, orwhat you have failed to do, and
your values.
I mean, let's be real, guilt asan emotion has a lot of power.
Speaker 1 (01:50):
Oh my gosh.
I mean, this is something Ideal with on a daily basis and
over time it looks different,right, like as we age, we grow,
we age and grow.
We never really outgrow guilt,it just looks different.
So, for example, before I hadkids, I was working in the
hospital and I would be facedwith picking up extra shifts to
(02:11):
help out my coworkers.
But that decision to pick up anextra shift would take time
away from my husband and I.
So there's the dilemma.
Right, you have the guilt thatI would feel if I didn't take up
that shift and help out thepeople I work with, versus not
spending time with my husband.
So I no longer work inhealthcare but I have kids now
(02:32):
and that guilt is there, butit's very different and, I think
, much more intense.
Like I deal with mom guilt,it's just an entirely different
beast.
As a mom, you're always puttingyour kids first, or at least
you try your hardest to, butmost of the time that means your
time spent is either not onyourself, it's lacking with your
(02:55):
spouse, there's alwayssomewhere that's lacking and at
the end of the day, I'm only oneperson and I can only be in one
place at once, which makes lifeso difficult when you're trying
to do everything you can forthe people that you care about.
Speaker 2 (03:09):
So it's interesting what you just said there about
you put your kids aboveeverything, or you try to.
I think that, dan's also right,something society has taught us
.
Like as a mother, you should beselfless.
As a mother, you should putyour kids above your own.
I know we get to this a littlebit later to like really flush
(03:29):
this out, but I think that issuch a dangerous line of
thinking and I want to put onany one person.
And so I think that kind ofbrings me to my next point,
which is the two components ofguilt.
And when you start thinkingabout guilt, you first have to
(03:50):
figure out like what type ofguilt am I kind of experiencing?
We hear so many types, likethere's survivors guilt, there
is parental guilt, there's moralguilt, and so on and so on and
so on.
While some sources specificallywill like outline four or more
types of guilt, I think theyboil down to just you,
(04:12):
appropriate guilt and irrationalguilt.
Appropriate guilt is just thatit's guilt that is appropriately
placed on you, based on abehavior that doesn't align to
your values or your morality.
When you experience appropriateguilt, we have the ability to
do something about it right, soit gives us a chance to make it
(04:33):
right.
It's that feeling of that wasn'tcool.
I want to commit to thebehavior of growth and changing
that behavior with such likeapologies or, at the very least,
setting the intention to notmake that mistake again.
Now, irrational guilt that ismessy and filled with a lot of
(04:56):
wounds and unprocessed crap, andI think that that's exactly
where mom guilt starts to fallinto, in my opinion.
So you have this societytelling you that it's kind of
appropriate guilt if you're notbeing the perfect mom, if you
(05:17):
will, which wouldn't even knowwhat that is, but I don't know.
What do you?
Speaker 1 (05:21):
think it's not attainable.
It's something that you alwayswill strive for.
Just speaking from my personalexperience as a mom, it's so
hard because it's not attainable, but you always want it to be
so.
It's hard because appropriateguilt would be something.
For me, for example, would betelling my kids I'm going to do
(05:42):
something, like I'm going to beat your game, and then, for
whatever reason, I'm not.
I was raised.
My dad drilled it into me.
You don't tell kids that you'regoing to do something and then
not follow through.
I will say he was very goodabout that.
But if, for whatever reason, Idon't make it there, it's going
(06:03):
to throw me off and I'm going tofeel horrible.
So if I don't live up to a taskthat I committed to, I feel
very guilty, which I think isappropriate because that's my
moral compass, that's what Ifollow, it's how I was raised
and I don't like to not followthrough for my kids.
Now, what we're talking aboutinappropriate guilt, which I
(06:23):
feel like the majority of momguilt is inappropriate guilt
because we're only one person,we can only be in one place at
once.
So I would feel both my boyshave a game at the same time
right, I can't be at both places, like I just can't.
So then I'm faced with thatdecision okay, who's am I gonna
go to?
And it's a lose-lose.
(06:45):
No matter who I pick, someoneis gonna be disappointed that
I'm not there, and you know,they know I'm only one person,
but they're gonna be upset, andso to me that is guilt, I will
feel.
But it's more inappropriatebecause there is nothing I can't
clone myself, you know.
Speaker 2 (07:03):
Oh man, I had so many jokes about your boys in there
but I let it slide Because theydefinitely believe that you can
be at two places at once.
You are super mad, I know, butI think that that example quite
honestly perfectly highlightswhat I was saying earlier about
like guilt being super unique tothe person because of the link
to it.
They're like someone's values.
You know you value your abilityto be reliable and showing up
(07:27):
when you say you will causes youto endure the stress of guilt
when that doesn't happen.
Like that 100% aligns.
If you say you are going to dosomething and you don't do it,
you made an active choice to doit.
Something else, like meeting mefor happy hour yes, 100%.
You can feel guilty if you toldyour boys you were going to the
game and we went to happy hour,Like I believe that that's
(07:49):
appropriate.
But I wanna spin this questionto you because I think this is
where mom guilt, and guilt ingeneral, becomes so dangerous.
Let's say you told the boys youwould be at their game and then
an emergency came up with yourbrother Dan yes, her brother's
name is Dan and you had to missthe game because you had to show
up for Dan.
Would that still feel likeappropriate guilt, Like it gets
(08:14):
so tricky?
Speaker 1 (08:16):
I mean, I definitely think it definitely changes
things.
For sure I would still feelguilty, because I know I also
think too like.
For me it depends on the ages.
I think my oldest would.
He's nine.
I think he would understand andhe just has more of an
understanding nature.
He's so empathetic.
And then you have Owen, who Ilove him to death and his
(08:37):
personality will serve him sowell when he is older.
But he is more difficult and hewould be more like you weren't
there.
Why weren't you there?
And I don't think he wouldnecessarily understand that in
the hierarchy of things, mybrother needed me more than you
needed me to be at your game andwatch.
So it definitely does changethe situation and may allow you
(09:02):
to give yourself a little bitmore grace.
But it's still there, man, it'slike it doesn't go away and
it's so annoying.
Speaker 2 (09:11):
I mean, I 100% agree with guilt being annoying.
I just most of the time want toscream at it.
You can't sit with us Like youput your like moment.
I'm just having an ice creamcone, I shouldn't have to feel
guilty.
That, like you know, it's 14points on Weight Watchers, right
.
But right.
There is where I think thatappropriate guilt goes into
(09:32):
inappropriate guilt.
And for sure, mom guilt rightLike it's when we allow that to
like affect our day because youcouldn't be in two places at
once, right.
So we're gonna call it momguilt for today's episode
because, tt, you are a mom.
But I just want to call out,while it has been coined, mom
guilt and there's a ton ofresearch about you know why it's
(09:53):
called mom guilt in recentyears, you know, just a nod to
the dads and the guardians whoalso face this, and the term
that we should all use whenincorporating or speaking
generally was parental guilt,and so with that, I just wanted
to give that nod.
But with parental guilt there'sa lot of like conflict,
(10:13):
discomfort and doubt around,like parenting decisions.
Speaker 1 (10:17):
And.
Speaker 2 (10:17):
I mean, I can't imagine I am Addie's mom,
addie's my dog, and like theamount that I put on that poor
dog about oh no you're sadbecause I'm downstairs all day.
Speaker 1 (10:29):
I didn't?
Speaker 2 (10:30):
I just put it I and then balancing not only those
parenting decisions but alsowith all of the responsibilities
and obligations, it's likeoutside of your children, but
also not really because, right,like you need to go to work to
make money just to provide forthose children.
There's just, it's socomplicated, Right.
This guilt not only affectsmental well-being of parents,
(10:50):
but I think something that's notreally talked about is the
long-term effects on yourchildren's well-being, their
internal narrative and theexpectations of themselves and
others.
And I'm not saying this in anyway to, you know, to rub salt in
the wind, but more so it's akind of a reverse psychology.
All my mom's out there, rightCause I feel like, if any, if
(11:12):
there's any way to stop this,you know, doing it for your kids
would probably be the highestmotivator.
You guys could kind of get on,but I'm just gonna start by
saying like this.
statistic is crazy 94% of allmoms in the study that was done
by the NIMH reported feelingsome form of mom guilt
(11:33):
throughout all stages ofmotherhood.
Speaker 1 (11:35):
It's crazy.
Speaker 2 (11:37):
That's a long time.
So, coming through this episode,tt, I actually really realized
that when you and I first methonestly, before getting close
to you, I didn't know what momguilt was as a definition, or I
hadn't my client, they just hadnever really come across in my
(11:58):
life.
I think I understood it.
It's just like I said, none ofmy friends had kids.
You were my first and we've gotso close.
I look at my mom and her and Iare so close, but I don't get to
know that aspect of your mom,the mom guilt she has inside.
Yes, that's so true, but youwere really the first person
(12:21):
because I saw the consistentmental warfare, like the closer
we got and the more you feltlike you could share with me.
I don't know how you managethat burden keeping the boys
live working your whole lives.
Speaker 1 (12:32):
Keep your other job.
Speaker 2 (12:35):
But also just being a wife, and on that list I didn't
even say hey, I can carry you.
I'm truly still in awe of allthat you're able to do.
I'm all moms.
I'm like I can barely do me.
Speaker 1 (12:47):
Yeah, it's hard.
I mean, before I touch on that,I want to go back real quick
how you were talking about theguilt that you have and how that
can affect your children in thefuture.
It is so hard because I justexperienced seeing that
firsthand.
When Owen was in the hospitalfor his tongue reduction surgery
, there was a moment where heneeded to take his medicine.
(13:09):
It was like non-negotiable andI'm always placed in that
situation, right, because I'malways the one there, I'm the
one that has to hold him downand it's one of the most
heartbreaking things that I everhave to do to him.
And I had to hold him down.
We had to try and give him hismeds.
He was screaming, freaking out,looking at me, like why are you
doing this to me?
Like you're supposed to be myprotector, type of thing.
(13:31):
So over time, like the next day,it just became too much for me
and I was trying to hold it alltogether.
And he had another bad timetaking his meds and I just could
not hold it together and Icried in front of him and he saw
me cry.
So he started to cry and thenhe started to blame himself and
(13:52):
I was like, oh my gosh, I needto give myself grace because,
while I'm very upset and I ambeating myself up for having to
do this to him, me breaking downis making him feel guilty.
Because I'm upset.
I'm like this is Because it'ssuch a crazy circle.
Speaker 2 (14:12):
It's so heft right Like exactly, it's so heft.
And that is like a moretraumatic Like Owen has a lot of
medical like complexities andhe has a rare disease, bws, and
so that, I think, is a separatelayer, but imagine he's on a
micro level, right, if you'reconsistently beating yourself up
or you're consistently showing.
I mean, I say, one of the bestfights my mom and I ever got
(14:34):
into was when her and I we werearguing about something and I
was like, if you want to dosomething for me, how about you
model how to take care ofyourself, so that I might learn
how to do that?
You know and I said this inanger, but it was such a really
good breakthrough moment for usbecause her selflessness or that
has made me believe that inorder to be worthy, in order to
(14:58):
be any Right, like that, Ineeded to be that level of
selfless.
Speaker 1 (15:01):
And so then I struggle to balance what I want
and so I feel like you have yourexample all the way at the
extreme and then all these microexamples to it 100% and like
it's hard with guilt too,because when it comes to sharing
mom guilt, most times peoplethink that it's more difficult
(15:22):
to share your guilt with someonethat doesn't necessarily
understand.
Right To me, I almost feel Imean it's hard to share with,
regardless if you're sharing itwith.
But there are so many timesthat I have shared my mom guilt
with other moms and likeimmediately regretted it, like
why did I just do that?
Because it's now a competitionand it's now like, oh, you know,
(15:45):
at least you don't have thissituation going on.
It's so toxic and it's justlike I don't know.
When I was able to share it withyou, it was almost like a
breath of fresh air because youknew me.
For me, you saw my struggle,you didn't have anything to
compare to and you were able tojust be like this is really hard
(16:05):
and I can't believe you'redealing with that.
But sometimes, when you'resharing it with someone that has
situations that they cancompare it to, it almost becomes
like a default reaction to tryand make the person feel better
by negating, like, what they'regoing through.
You know what I mean.
Speaker 2 (16:23):
Oh, 100%.
I think there's a negating ortrying to remedy their own mom
guilt by putting someone out.
I feel like there's twosituations.
I was so big mad.
I was so big mad about thisstatistic when I came across it
and I had to take a deep breathin this one.
But 32% of mothers reportedthat their guilt was coming from
(16:48):
other identified mothers.
This was a study done atPhillips Health that, just like
I was so angry.
The other one is like the 64%was from healthcare providers.
I don't know enough about thatculture, but to me, the active,
(17:09):
the people who are supposed toget it and show up for you, it
must be just very, very lonelyto feel like you can't.
Speaker 1 (17:17):
Yeah, and it is lonely and like I am really
blessed I have a great husband.
You know him.
He drives me insane, absolutelybonkers, but he is a very good
yin to my yang.
He's more calm and stuff likethat.
But that also can be reallydifficult and kind of make me
feel like I'm alone on an island, because you know, it's like a
double edged sword.
He's very good at recognizingwhen I'm spreading myself too
(17:40):
thin and when I am doing toomuch, but then, like whole, tell
me, and I'll get mad at himbecause I'm like how dare you
accuse me of doing too much formy babies?
There's no such thing as that.
You let me do what I need to dofor my babies, but he's trying
to be like hey, like you need togive yourself a break.
So it is hard because you needsomeone like that.
(18:01):
But at the same time they justdon't get it on the same level
and I feel like that.
You know I do.
It's hard.
Speaker 2 (18:10):
Well, and as I watch, I'm watching my sister kind of
go through early motherhood andI see, honestly, all the amazing
things that she has done andI'm the first to say, titi, you
know, I would just call her outand be like, oh yeah, I'm
worried about this.
I'm sure I texted you at onepoint, just being like I'm
worried and then just watchingher transform into the mother
(18:32):
she is, it just been honestlysuch a blessing.
She is just phenomenal.
And yet we all talk to her andI'm literally shocked that, mind
you, my sister, who has alwaysbeen pretty confident, you know,
at least in a more playful way,just how much this wonderful
mother is doing above and beyondfor her child and all of her
(18:53):
other responsibilities, anddoing it all in 24 hours.
But yet she is hung up on theone decision that she was unsure
of, or she's hung up on, youknow, not giving my niece Reagan
too much screen time.
Not enough screen time, veganLike it's always like there's
something that's there.
(19:14):
And, yeah, I think the worstpart is that I can validate,
right, I can validate, I canstand with her, but I can't,
right, I can't take that guiltaway from her, and I think
that's a unique aspect of mom.
Guilt is that you have to dealwith the primal of being a mom
on top of the like mental of youknow what I'm saying Like, so
(19:35):
to me it's, it's like, even ifyou handle like traditional,
excessive guilt, you're, there'sthis aspect, I think, of a mom
right, like I mean, youliterally grow a baby for nine
months, like you have to.
There's gotta be some connectionthere.
Speaker 1 (19:47):
It is primal Like there it is.
Like you see the things of likethe lions and the like.
Don't mess with my cobs Like itis, it's just like something
else.
Speaker 2 (19:58):
Well, and you know, I think that it's hard to always
know what to say and peopledon't.
I have learned with my raredisease that when people don't
know what to say, they usuallysay something not so great or
invalidating to make themselvesfeel more comfortable, as
opposed to like helping theperson.
Um, and I?
So?
Yeah, I don't know.
Speaker 1 (20:19):
It's hard, you know, especially when you're throwing
on top of mom guilt.
You're throwing chronic illnessor a rare disease.
It literally just compoundseverything and that's life right
.
Like I might, you know, I havemy own chronic illness.
My son has Beckwith-Wiedemannsyndrome, which is a rare
disease, and someone else mighthave, you know, they just lost
(20:39):
someone in their life that theylove or you know, everyone has
their own thing and when you addcompounding components on top
of the original guilt that youjust always feel it's really
difficult because you'reconstantly wrestling with
yourself is really what it feelslike.
You know, you're constantly-.
Speaker 2 (21:00):
Mental warfare.
Speaker 1 (21:01):
Yeah, it really is mental warfare.
You always feel like you'redisappointing someone you know
and you just have to, you justhave to wrestle with it and you
just have to constantly giveyourself graces, like my biggest
thing, yeah, I think for mepersonally, I don't.
Speaker 2 (21:22):
I can't remember that's how young I think I was
when I, like, developed my guiltcomplex, if you will, right.
And so for anyone who you know,doesn't know, doesn't know the
term, I'm going to define it foryou real quick.
When I'm talking about guiltcomplex, I'm referring to the
persistent belief that you havedone something wrong or that you
(21:44):
will do something wrong.
And I feel like mom, guilt as awhole is the nature of like
what guilt complex persona hasyou know?
Yeah, but again, I think I fallunder the guilt complex
archetype because I can rememberfrom pretty early age feeling
poorly for a lot of thingsoutside of my control, like when
(22:07):
somebody would get picked on ortalked about.
I would feel really guiltyabout being scared to stand up
for them, or it might, I mighthave even been there, right,
like I could have.
It could have been in anotherclass, but like the immense
amount of like guilt and thenlike sadness that I would feel
(22:27):
was crazy for something, that Iwasn't responsible, and then
jumped to my twenties and Icannot tell you how often, when
someone did not respond to meafter I reached out that I would
immediately think to myself ohfuck, what did I do wrong?
Did I upset them Like replayingand ruminating, and ruminating
everything that I could havedone?
You know a five minute period,and you know.
(22:50):
Then that leads to, of course,like behaviors that are either
in defense of like when I wouldruminate and then essentially
nothing would I couldn't come upwith a single possible thing
that I could have done wrong,like I was sleeping or something
.
Then that defense comes outlike okay, well, I'm going to
leave before like it's just atoxic cycle.
And or, you know, it would comeout as like rapid, like texting
(23:16):
, because I'm so sorry, I don'tknow what I did, but please say
you know whatever, because ohyeah, and that guilt seriously
wouldn't release for me until,like the person responded, and
usually they just like forgottheir phone or something.
Speaker 1 (23:30):
And I think part of that is the problem, because if
you're having to guess, did Ihurt, like, did I do something,
did I not?
If people were juststraightforward and were just
like, yep, like this is how youhurt me, this is what we did,
then it wouldn't perpetuate theguilt that you already have and
like you're ruminating, you knowwhat I mean.
But if they shut you out youhave no way of knowing.
(23:51):
So I do think people can alsomake that problem a little bit
worse.
Speaker 2 (23:55):
But to your point though.
Right if you had to guess whenyou were a child.
Right if you did somethingwrong because you never knew if
your parent was or was not goingto be upset with you over
something.
That's where it starts, right.
And the same thing for theperson who is like avoiding that
conflict.
There's a pattern there thatthey were taught you know, and
so it's it.
Just, it gets so messy and Iwill say just, let's be real so
(24:16):
emotionally and mentallyexhausting and it has just a
profound effect on your mentalhealth and your wellbeing.
And now, in my mid 30s, I stillsee it.
Something will happen at workand I catch myself over
apologizing, despite I'm stillin therapy, you know, and I'm
just like, why am I apologizing?
(24:36):
So now I can see it, right, butit's still.
My go-to thing is to, you know,feel guilty.
And then God forbid I tellsomeone like what I would like,
like an actual want, you know,and it's a lot.
Speaker 1 (24:49):
It's hard and I do think a lot of it.
A lot boils down to notnecessarily how you raise that
that is part of it but like Iremember being a kid and you
know I'm one of 11.
I have six sisters and fourbrothers.
Like I all the time tell my mom, I don't know how you did it,
my mom and dad, I don't know howyou guys did it.
(25:10):
And like, did my parents makemistakes?
Hell, yeah, they did.
Like they made mistakes, butthere was so many of us.
But what I've taken from thatand I had a really great
childhood but what I've takenfrom that is when I make a
mistake, I really try andapologize for it to my kids so
(25:31):
that they don't foster this kindof like.
You know, oh my gosh, likeshe's so upset with me I need to
apologize a million times.
Or, like you know, like just asmuch as I teach them that they
need to, you know, apologize orstuff like that, I want to do
the same thing because I don'twant to foster these kinds of
mechanisms that I see myselfusing as an adult.
(25:52):
You know what I mean.
Like I don't want them to everfeel more guilty than they are
already going to normally feel,because that comes with life.
Speaker 2 (26:00):
Well, and I think right there that example like
that's the appropriate guiltcycle completed right.
Through apology and behavior,and I mean, one of the most
fascinating guilt stories isHoward Manifest and Terry, my
wife.
She has so much inappropriateguilt and she allows that
emotional power to literallymake 99.9652.1% of her decisions
(26:24):
.
And that's not a good cycle,right, because you're doing it
based on something you didn't door something that isn't real.
So a lot of times it's likeshe'll decide not to hang out
with her friends because shefelt guilty that I was home
alone.
I love being home alone, sheknows this, I hope you're
listening.
I still love being home alone.
So she's created this intention.
(26:45):
She makes her decisions basedon it, and that's a very low
value one, but there are a lotof big life decisions that I've
had to be like I'm not doingthis based on your guilt, like
I'm not making a decision.
Speaker 1 (26:57):
Well, and yeah, it can also like that whole cycle
can really foster resentment,especially in a marriage.
Speaker 2 (27:05):
No, it's so true.
Before we go, TT, do you haveanything that you want to send
out to the mamas out there whomight be experiencing mom guilt?
Speaker 1 (27:14):
Yes, I do For moms.
You need to always remember andI have to remind myself of this
all the time you cannot and Irepeat, cannot pour from an
empty cup.
It's not possible.
There is so much guilt aroundtaking care of yourself because
you're taking time away fromyour kids, but you literally
can't give your kids the best ofyou if your cup is not full.
(27:36):
And it was funny I actuallytoday I was at the gym and I was
tagged in a post about guiltand exercising.
And I work out every day.
I make it like a priority formyself because I know it makes
my body feel better, my mentalhealth, everything, just so many
different things.
I plan it around when my kidsare in school, but when they're
off in the summer, I'm home.
(27:56):
So they're home, I'm home andwe're still going.
And basically the post said doyou feel guilty for taking time
away from your family to workout alone?
And the response was no.
I feel guilty when I'm anabsolute asshole to them because
I haven't had any space.
And I mean so trin-o Right,like if that doesn't sum it up
(28:20):
for you, I don't know what willI mean.
You have to prioritize yourselfso that you can put forth the
best version of yourself foryour kids, and I've learned that
it's a learning experience,it's a learning curve.
So I would say fill your cup.
And then for people that areconversing with moms that are
speaking about their guilt, Iwould just be graceful, grant
(28:43):
them grace.
Don't compare, don't make themfeel like, well, at least you
didn't have this or that to dealwith.
That shit helps.
Absolutely no one, and again noone wants to win that award.
That award for who has it worstsucks, and I don't want it.
You can have it.
Speaker 2 (29:00):
Oh, the worst awards.
I swear you are so right and Idon't.
It's like I didn't ask to be inthis Olympic Games.
Speaker 1 (29:08):
Yeah, right, like may the odds be ever in your favor.
Like no one wants to be here,so one wants to be here.
Oh my.
Speaker 2 (29:15):
God, that's great.
All right.
Now, if you're like me and havedog mom guilt or a complex
persona, here's a quick tool totake with you to combat the
consistent feeling of guilt.
This tool is calledResponsibility Pi, which can
help you identify what you'reaccountable for and what you're
not, so you can hopefullyrelease some of that
(29:36):
inappropriate guilt.
So the first step is you'regonna draw a pie chart
representing how responsible youfeel for the situation.
Often, people tend to blamethemselves entirely, but the aim
of this exercise is to reflecton a situation as a whole and
think about who or what elsemight have contributed to what
happened.
You can change the pie chart asyou go along, letting a more
(29:58):
balanced view start to emerge.
Don't worry too much aboutmaking the chart mathematically
accurate.
Just try to get things on paperso that you can visually see
the situation from a differentview.
While reflecting, it might helpto remember also that cause and
blame do not have to be thesame thing.
The end result will hopefullybe that you have a new
(30:22):
perspective from which you canview what happened.
It should become easier for youto explore any responsibility
that is genuinely yours, so youcan take action on it and
release any inappropriate guiltthat you may be carrying.
That's it for this week'sepisode.
Peeps, if you enjoyed it, goahead and hit that follow button
and leave a review.
We love hearing from you.
(30:42):
We'll be in your feeds againThursday for this week's Bite of
Balance.
Until then, mind your health.
["mind your Health"].
Seriously, you're fine.
You're fine because you havethe power to access your place
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However, if you get stuck,we're right at the palm of your
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(31:05):
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We'll catch you next week for abrand new episode of You're
Always Fine.
["mind your Health"].
Welcome back to your.
Speaker 2 (00:04):
Always Fine a space to show up for yourself and
embrace the mess that livesunderneath.
Because, let's be real, it'sexhausting always being fine.
Speaker 1 (00:13):
So grab your headphones and allow yourself to
listen, laugh and even cry,because you are not alone, and
we aren't always fine, andthat's okay.
And and, and, and.
Speaker 2 (00:27):
We are here for another episode of your Always
Slide.
I'm your host, christine, andI'm Teresa.
Today we are tackling the heavyburden of guilt.
We all know that awful feelingof the pit in your stomach and
your internal voice on repeattelling you you did something
wrong.
Ready to dive into this complexemotion?
Tt?
Yes, let's do it.
(00:47):
Okay, let's start with definingguilt.
Can you read the definition Isent you for everyone?
Speaker 1 (00:55):
Yes, so the American Psychological Association
defines guilt as aself-conscious emotion
characterized by a painfulappraisal of having done or
thought something that is wrong,and often by a readiness to
take action designed to undo ormitigate this.
Speaker 2 (01:12):
Well, why does everything in the APA have to be
so wordy, but anyway.
So, in other words, guilt ispart of what encourages us to
play by the rules, which forsure complicates things when you
think about whose rules are youplaying by?
There's the obvious rules likeI don't know the law, but then
there's societal rules, culturalrules, and then our own
(01:32):
internal rules, which, of course, are our values.
That internal guilt that wefeel that causes so much
distress, is present whenthere's that internal conflict
between what you have done, orwhat you have failed to do, and
your values.
I mean, let's be real, guilt asan emotion has a lot of power.
Speaker 1 (01:50):
Oh my gosh.
I mean, this is something Ideal with on a daily basis and
over time it looks different,right, like as we age, we grow,
we age and grow.
We never really outgrow guilt,it just looks different.
So, for example, before I hadkids, I was working in the
hospital and I would be facedwith picking up extra shifts to
(02:11):
help out my coworkers.
But that decision to pick up anextra shift would take time
away from my husband and I.
So there's the dilemma.
Right, you have the guilt thatI would feel if I didn't take up
that shift and help out thepeople I work with, versus not
spending time with my husband.
So I no longer work inhealthcare but I have kids now
(02:32):
and that guilt is there, butit's very different and, I think
, much more intense.
Like I deal with mom guilt,it's just an entirely different
beast.
As a mom, you're always puttingyour kids first, or at least
you try your hardest to, butmost of the time that means your
time spent is either not onyourself, it's lacking with your
(02:55):
spouse, there's alwayssomewhere that's lacking and at
the end of the day, I'm only oneperson and I can only be in one
place at once, which makes lifeso difficult when you're trying
to do everything you can forthe people that you care about.
Speaker 2 (03:09):
So it's interesting what you just said there about
you put your kids aboveeverything, or you try to.
I think that, dan's also right,something society has taught us
.
Like as a mother, you should beselfless.
As a mother, you should putyour kids above your own.
I know we get to this a littlebit later to like really flush
(03:29):
this out, but I think that issuch a dangerous line of
thinking and I want to put onany one person.
And so I think that kind ofbrings me to my next point,
which is the two components ofguilt.
And when you start thinkingabout guilt, you first have to
(03:50):
figure out like what type ofguilt am I kind of experiencing?
We hear so many types, likethere's survivors guilt, there
is parental guilt, there's moralguilt, and so on and so on and
so on.
While some sources specificallywill like outline four or more
types of guilt, I think theyboil down to just you,
(04:12):
appropriate guilt and irrationalguilt.
Appropriate guilt is just thatit's guilt that is appropriately
placed on you, based on abehavior that doesn't align to
your values or your morality.
When you experience appropriateguilt, we have the ability to
do something about it right, soit gives us a chance to make it
(04:33):
right.
It's that feeling of that wasn'tcool.
I want to commit to thebehavior of growth and changing
that behavior with such likeapologies or, at the very least,
setting the intention to notmake that mistake again.
Now, irrational guilt that ismessy and filled with a lot of
(04:56):
wounds and unprocessed crap, andI think that that's exactly
where mom guilt starts to fallinto, in my opinion.
So you have this societytelling you that it's kind of
appropriate guilt if you're notbeing the perfect mom, if you
(05:17):
will, which wouldn't even knowwhat that is, but I don't know.
What do you?
Speaker 1 (05:21):
think it's not attainable.
It's something that you alwayswill strive for.
Just speaking from my personalexperience as a mom, it's so
hard because it's not attainable, but you always want it to be
so.
It's hard because appropriateguilt would be something.
For me, for example, would betelling my kids I'm going to do
(05:42):
something, like I'm going to beat your game, and then, for
whatever reason, I'm not.
I was raised.
My dad drilled it into me.
You don't tell kids that you'regoing to do something and then
not follow through.
I will say he was very goodabout that.
But if, for whatever reason, Idon't make it there, it's going
(06:03):
to throw me off and I'm going tofeel horrible.
So if I don't live up to a taskthat I committed to, I feel
very guilty, which I think isappropriate because that's my
moral compass, that's what Ifollow, it's how I was raised
and I don't like to not followthrough for my kids.
Now, what we're talking aboutinappropriate guilt, which I
(06:23):
feel like the majority of momguilt is inappropriate guilt
because we're only one person,we can only be in one place at
once.
So I would feel both my boyshave a game at the same time
right, I can't be at both places, like I just can't.
So then I'm faced with thatdecision okay, who's am I gonna
go to?
And it's a lose-lose.
(06:45):
No matter who I pick, someoneis gonna be disappointed that
I'm not there, and you know,they know I'm only one person,
but they're gonna be upset, andso to me that is guilt, I will
feel.
But it's more inappropriatebecause there is nothing I can't
clone myself, you know.
Speaker 2 (07:03):
Oh man, I had so many jokes about your boys in there
but I let it slide Because theydefinitely believe that you can
be at two places at once.
You are super mad, I know, butI think that that example quite
honestly perfectly highlightswhat I was saying earlier about
like guilt being super unique tothe person because of the link
to it.
They're like someone's values.
You know you value your abilityto be reliable and showing up
(07:27):
when you say you will causes youto endure the stress of guilt
when that doesn't happen.
Like that 100% aligns.
If you say you are going to dosomething and you don't do it,
you made an active choice to doit.
Something else, like meeting mefor happy hour yes, 100%.
You can feel guilty if you toldyour boys you were going to the
game and we went to happy hour,Like I believe that that's
(07:49):
appropriate.
But I wanna spin this questionto you because I think this is
where mom guilt, and guilt ingeneral, becomes so dangerous.
Let's say you told the boys youwould be at their game and then
an emergency came up with yourbrother Dan yes, her brother's
name is Dan and you had to missthe game because you had to show
up for Dan.
Would that still feel likeappropriate guilt, Like it gets
(08:14):
so tricky?
Speaker 1 (08:16):
I mean, I definitely think it definitely changes
things.
For sure I would still feelguilty, because I know I also
think too like.
For me it depends on the ages.
I think my oldest would.
He's nine.
I think he would understand andhe just has more of an
understanding nature.
He's so empathetic.
And then you have Owen, who Ilove him to death and his
(08:37):
personality will serve him sowell when he is older.
But he is more difficult and hewould be more like you weren't
there.
Why weren't you there?
And I don't think he wouldnecessarily understand that in
the hierarchy of things, mybrother needed me more than you
needed me to be at your game andwatch.
So it definitely does changethe situation and may allow you
(09:02):
to give yourself a little bitmore grace.
But it's still there, man, it'slike it doesn't go away and
it's so annoying.
Speaker 2 (09:11):
I mean, I 100% agree with guilt being annoying.
I just most of the time want toscream at it.
You can't sit with us Like youput your like moment.
I'm just having an ice creamcone, I shouldn't have to feel
guilty.
That, like you know, it's 14points on Weight Watchers, right
.
But right.
There is where I think thatappropriate guilt goes into
(09:32):
inappropriate guilt.
And for sure, mom guilt rightLike it's when we allow that to
like affect our day because youcouldn't be in two places at
once, right.
So we're gonna call it momguilt for today's episode
because, tt, you are a mom.
But I just want to call out,while it has been coined, mom
guilt and there's a ton ofresearch about you know why it's
(09:53):
called mom guilt in recentyears, you know, just a nod to
the dads and the guardians whoalso face this, and the term
that we should all use whenincorporating or speaking
generally was parental guilt,and so with that, I just wanted
to give that nod.
But with parental guilt there'sa lot of like conflict,
(10:13):
discomfort and doubt around,like parenting decisions.
Speaker 1 (10:17):
And.
Speaker 2 (10:17):
I mean, I can't imagine I am Addie's mom,
addie's my dog, and like theamount that I put on that poor
dog about oh no you're sadbecause I'm downstairs all day.
Speaker 1 (10:29):
I didn't?
Speaker 2 (10:30):
I just put it I and then balancing not only those
parenting decisions but alsowith all of the responsibilities
and obligations, it's likeoutside of your children, but
also not really because, right,like you need to go to work to
make money just to provide forthose children.
There's just, it's socomplicated, Right.
This guilt not only affectsmental well-being of parents,
(10:50):
but I think something that's notreally talked about is the
long-term effects on yourchildren's well-being, their
internal narrative and theexpectations of themselves and
others.
And I'm not saying this in anyway to, you know, to rub salt in
the wind, but more so it's akind of a reverse psychology.
All my mom's out there, rightCause I feel like, if any, if
(11:12):
there's any way to stop this,you know, doing it for your kids
would probably be the highestmotivator.
You guys could kind of get on,but I'm just gonna start by
saying like this.
statistic is crazy 94% of allmoms in the study that was done
by the NIMH reported feelingsome form of mom guilt
(11:33):
throughout all stages ofmotherhood.
Speaker 1 (11:35):
It's crazy.
Speaker 2 (11:37):
That's a long time.
So, coming through this episode,tt, I actually really realized
that when you and I first methonestly, before getting close
to you, I didn't know what momguilt was as a definition, or I
hadn't my client, they just hadnever really come across in my
(11:58):
life.
I think I understood it.
It's just like I said, none ofmy friends had kids.
You were my first and we've gotso close.
I look at my mom and her and Iare so close, but I don't get to
know that aspect of your mom,the mom guilt she has inside.
Yes, that's so true, but youwere really the first person
(12:21):
because I saw the consistentmental warfare, like the closer
we got and the more you feltlike you could share with me.
I don't know how you managethat burden keeping the boys
live working your whole lives.
Speaker 1 (12:32):
Keep your other job.
Speaker 2 (12:35):
But also just being a wife, and on that list I didn't
even say hey, I can carry you.
I'm truly still in awe of allthat you're able to do.
I'm all moms.
I'm like I can barely do me.
Speaker 1 (12:47):
Yeah, it's hard.
I mean, before I touch on that,I want to go back real quick
how you were talking about theguilt that you have and how that
can affect your children in thefuture.
It is so hard because I justexperienced seeing that
firsthand.
When Owen was in the hospitalfor his tongue reduction surgery
, there was a moment where heneeded to take his medicine.
(13:09):
It was like non-negotiable andI'm always placed in that
situation, right, because I'malways the one there, I'm the
one that has to hold him downand it's one of the most
heartbreaking things that I everhave to do to him.
And I had to hold him down.
We had to try and give him hismeds.
He was screaming, freaking out,looking at me, like why are you
doing this to me?
Like you're supposed to be myprotector, type of thing.
(13:31):
So over time, like the next day,it just became too much for me
and I was trying to hold it alltogether.
And he had another bad timetaking his meds and I just could
not hold it together and Icried in front of him and he saw
me cry.
So he started to cry and thenhe started to blame himself and
(13:52):
I was like, oh my gosh, I needto give myself grace because,
while I'm very upset and I ambeating myself up for having to
do this to him, me breaking downis making him feel guilty.
Because I'm upset.
I'm like this is Because it'ssuch a crazy circle.
Speaker 2 (14:12):
It's so heft right Like exactly, it's so heft.
And that is like a moretraumatic Like Owen has a lot of
medical like complexities andhe has a rare disease, bws, and
so that, I think, is a separatelayer, but imagine he's on a
micro level, right, if you'reconsistently beating yourself up
or you're consistently showing.
I mean, I say, one of the bestfights my mom and I ever got
(14:34):
into was when her and I we werearguing about something and I
was like, if you want to dosomething for me, how about you
model how to take care ofyourself, so that I might learn
how to do that?
You know and I said this inanger, but it was such a really
good breakthrough moment for usbecause her selflessness or that
has made me believe that inorder to be worthy, in order to
(14:58):
be any Right, like that, Ineeded to be that level of
selfless.
Speaker 1 (15:01):
And so then I struggle to balance what I want
and so I feel like you have yourexample all the way at the
extreme and then all these microexamples to it 100% and like
it's hard with guilt too,because when it comes to sharing
mom guilt, most times peoplethink that it's more difficult
(15:22):
to share your guilt with someonethat doesn't necessarily
understand.
Right To me, I almost feel Imean it's hard to share with,
regardless if you're sharing itwith.
But there are so many timesthat I have shared my mom guilt
with other moms and likeimmediately regretted it, like
why did I just do that?
Because it's now a competitionand it's now like, oh, you know,
(15:45):
at least you don't have thissituation going on.
It's so toxic and it's justlike I don't know.
When I was able to share it withyou, it was almost like a
breath of fresh air because youknew me.
For me, you saw my struggle,you didn't have anything to
compare to and you were able tojust be like this is really hard
(16:05):
and I can't believe you'redealing with that.
But sometimes, when you'resharing it with someone that has
situations that they cancompare it to, it almost becomes
like a default reaction to tryand make the person feel better
by negating, like, what they'regoing through.
You know what I mean.
Speaker 2 (16:23):
Oh, 100%.
I think there's a negating ortrying to remedy their own mom
guilt by putting someone out.
I feel like there's twosituations.
I was so big mad.
I was so big mad about thisstatistic when I came across it
and I had to take a deep breathin this one.
But 32% of mothers reportedthat their guilt was coming from
(16:48):
other identified mothers.
This was a study done atPhillips Health that, just like
I was so angry.
The other one is like the 64%was from healthcare providers.
I don't know enough about thatculture, but to me, the active,
(17:09):
the people who are supposed toget it and show up for you, it
must be just very, very lonelyto feel like you can't.
Speaker 1 (17:17):
Yeah, and it is lonely and like I am really
blessed I have a great husband.
You know him.
He drives me insane, absolutelybonkers, but he is a very good
yin to my yang.
He's more calm and stuff likethat.
But that also can be reallydifficult and kind of make me
feel like I'm alone on an island, because you know, it's like a
double edged sword.
He's very good at recognizingwhen I'm spreading myself too
(17:40):
thin and when I am doing toomuch, but then, like whole, tell
me, and I'll get mad at himbecause I'm like how dare you
accuse me of doing too much formy babies?
There's no such thing as that.
You let me do what I need to dofor my babies, but he's trying
to be like hey, like you need togive yourself a break.
So it is hard because you needsomeone like that.
(18:01):
But at the same time they justdon't get it on the same level
and I feel like that.
You know I do.
It's hard.
Speaker 2 (18:10):
Well, and as I watch, I'm watching my sister kind of
go through early motherhood andI see, honestly, all the amazing
things that she has done andI'm the first to say, titi, you
know, I would just call her outand be like, oh yeah, I'm
worried about this.
I'm sure I texted you at onepoint, just being like I'm
worried and then just watchingher transform into the mother
(18:32):
she is, it just been honestlysuch a blessing.
She is just phenomenal.
And yet we all talk to her andI'm literally shocked that, mind
you, my sister, who has alwaysbeen pretty confident, you know,
at least in a more playful way,just how much this wonderful
mother is doing above and beyondfor her child and all of her
(18:53):
other responsibilities, anddoing it all in 24 hours.
But yet she is hung up on theone decision that she was unsure
of, or she's hung up on, youknow, not giving my niece Reagan
too much screen time.
Not enough screen time, veganLike it's always like there's
something that's there.
(19:14):
And, yeah, I think the worstpart is that I can validate,
right, I can validate, I canstand with her, but I can't,
right, I can't take that guiltaway from her, and I think
that's a unique aspect of mom.
Guilt is that you have to dealwith the primal of being a mom
on top of the like mental of youknow what I'm saying Like, so
(19:35):
to me it's, it's like, even ifyou handle like traditional,
excessive guilt, you're, there'sthis aspect, I think, of a mom
right, like I mean, youliterally grow a baby for nine
months, like you have to.
There's gotta be some connectionthere.
Speaker 1 (19:47):
It is primal Like there it is.
Like you see the things of likethe lions and the like.
Don't mess with my cobs Like itis, it's just like something
else.
Speaker 2 (19:58):
Well, and you know, I think that it's hard to always
know what to say and peopledon't.
I have learned with my raredisease that when people don't
know what to say, they usuallysay something not so great or
invalidating to make themselvesfeel more comfortable, as
opposed to like helping theperson.
Um, and I?
So?
Yeah, I don't know.
Speaker 1 (20:19):
It's hard, you know, especially when you're throwing
on top of mom guilt.
You're throwing chronic illnessor a rare disease.
It literally just compoundseverything and that's life right
.
Like I might, you know, I havemy own chronic illness.
My son has Beckwith-Wiedemannsyndrome, which is a rare
disease, and someone else mighthave, you know, they just lost
(20:39):
someone in their life that theylove or you know, everyone has
their own thing and when you addcompounding components on top
of the original guilt that youjust always feel it's really
difficult because you'reconstantly wrestling with
yourself is really what it feelslike.
You know, you're constantly-.
Speaker 2 (21:00):
Mental warfare.
Speaker 1 (21:01):
Yeah, it really is mental warfare.
You always feel like you'redisappointing someone you know
and you just have to, you justhave to wrestle with it and you
just have to constantly giveyourself graces, like my biggest
thing, yeah, I think for mepersonally, I don't.
Speaker 2 (21:22):
I can't remember that's how young I think I was
when I, like, developed my guiltcomplex, if you will, right.
And so for anyone who you know,doesn't know, doesn't know the
term, I'm going to define it foryou real quick.
When I'm talking about guiltcomplex, I'm referring to the
persistent belief that you havedone something wrong or that you
(21:44):
will do something wrong.
And I feel like mom, guilt as awhole is the nature of like
what guilt complex persona hasyou know?
Yeah, but again, I think I fallunder the guilt complex
archetype because I can rememberfrom pretty early age feeling
poorly for a lot of thingsoutside of my control, like when
(22:07):
somebody would get picked on ortalked about.
I would feel really guiltyabout being scared to stand up
for them, or it might, I mighthave even been there, right,
like I could have.
It could have been in anotherclass, but like the immense
amount of like guilt and thenlike sadness that I would feel
(22:27):
was crazy for something, that Iwasn't responsible, and then
jumped to my twenties and Icannot tell you how often, when
someone did not respond to meafter I reached out that I would
immediately think to myself ohfuck, what did I do wrong?
Did I upset them Like replayingand ruminating, and ruminating
everything that I could havedone?
You know a five minute period,and you know.
(22:50):
Then that leads to, of course,like behaviors that are either
in defense of like when I wouldruminate and then essentially
nothing would I couldn't come upwith a single possible thing
that I could have done wrong,like I was sleeping or something
.
Then that defense comes outlike okay, well, I'm going to
leave before like it's just atoxic cycle.
And or, you know, it would comeout as like rapid, like texting
(23:16):
, because I'm so sorry, I don'tknow what I did, but please say
you know whatever, because ohyeah, and that guilt seriously
wouldn't release for me until,like the person responded, and
usually they just like forgottheir phone or something.
Speaker 1 (23:30):
And I think part of that is the problem, because if
you're having to guess, did Ihurt, like, did I do something,
did I not?
If people were juststraightforward and were just
like, yep, like this is how youhurt me, this is what we did,
then it wouldn't perpetuate theguilt that you already have and
like you're ruminating, you knowwhat I mean.
But if they shut you out youhave no way of knowing.
(23:51):
So I do think people can alsomake that problem a little bit
worse.
Speaker 2 (23:55):
But to your point though.
Right if you had to guess whenyou were a child.
Right if you did somethingwrong because you never knew if
your parent was or was not goingto be upset with you over
something.
That's where it starts, right.
And the same thing for theperson who is like avoiding that
conflict.
There's a pattern there thatthey were taught you know, and
so it's it.
Just, it gets so messy and Iwill say just, let's be real so
(24:16):
emotionally and mentallyexhausting and it has just a
profound effect on your mentalhealth and your wellbeing.
And now, in my mid 30s, I stillsee it.
Something will happen at workand I catch myself over
apologizing, despite I'm stillin therapy, you know, and I'm
just like, why am I apologizing?
(24:36):
So now I can see it, right, butit's still.
My go-to thing is to, you know,feel guilty.
And then God forbid I tellsomeone like what I would like,
like an actual want, you know,and it's a lot.
Speaker 1 (24:49):
It's hard and I do think a lot of it.
A lot boils down to notnecessarily how you raise that
that is part of it but like Iremember being a kid and you
know I'm one of 11.
I have six sisters and fourbrothers.
Like I all the time tell my mom, I don't know how you did it,
my mom and dad, I don't know howyou guys did it.
(25:10):
And like, did my parents makemistakes?
Hell, yeah, they did.
Like they made mistakes, butthere was so many of us.
But what I've taken from thatand I had a really great
childhood but what I've takenfrom that is when I make a
mistake, I really try andapologize for it to my kids so
(25:31):
that they don't foster this kindof like.
You know, oh my gosh, likeshe's so upset with me I need to
apologize a million times.
Or, like you know, like just asmuch as I teach them that they
need to, you know, apologize orstuff like that, I want to do
the same thing because I don'twant to foster these kinds of
mechanisms that I see myselfusing as an adult.
(25:52):
You know what I mean.
Like I don't want them to everfeel more guilty than they are
already going to normally feel,because that comes with life.
Speaker 2 (26:00):
Well, and I think right there that example like
that's the appropriate guiltcycle completed right.
Through apology and behavior,and I mean, one of the most
fascinating guilt stories isHoward Manifest and Terry, my
wife.
She has so much inappropriateguilt and she allows that
emotional power to literallymake 99.9652.1% of her decisions
(26:24):
.
And that's not a good cycle,right, because you're doing it
based on something you didn't door something that isn't real.
So a lot of times it's likeshe'll decide not to hang out
with her friends because shefelt guilty that I was home
alone.
I love being home alone, sheknows this, I hope you're
listening.
I still love being home alone.
So she's created this intention.
(26:45):
She makes her decisions basedon it, and that's a very low
value one, but there are a lotof big life decisions that I've
had to be like I'm not doingthis based on your guilt, like
I'm not making a decision.
Speaker 1 (26:57):
Well, and yeah, it can also like that whole cycle
can really foster resentment,especially in a marriage.
Speaker 2 (27:05):
No, it's so true.
Before we go, TT, do you haveanything that you want to send
out to the mamas out there whomight be experiencing mom guilt?
Speaker 1 (27:14):
Yes, I do For moms.
You need to always remember andI have to remind myself of this
all the time you cannot and Irepeat, cannot pour from an
empty cup.
It's not possible.
There is so much guilt aroundtaking care of yourself because
you're taking time away fromyour kids, but you literally
can't give your kids the best ofyou if your cup is not full.
(27:36):
And it was funny I actuallytoday I was at the gym and I was
tagged in a post about guiltand exercising.
And I work out every day.
I make it like a priority formyself because I know it makes
my body feel better, my mentalhealth, everything, just so many
different things.
I plan it around when my kidsare in school, but when they're
off in the summer, I'm home.
(27:56):
So they're home, I'm home andwe're still going.
And basically the post said doyou feel guilty for taking time
away from your family to workout alone?
And the response was no.
I feel guilty when I'm anabsolute asshole to them because
I haven't had any space.
And I mean so trin-o Right,like if that doesn't sum it up
(28:20):
for you, I don't know what willI mean.
You have to prioritize yourselfso that you can put forth the
best version of yourself foryour kids, and I've learned that
it's a learning experience,it's a learning curve.
So I would say fill your cup.
And then for people that areconversing with moms that are
speaking about their guilt, Iwould just be graceful, grant
(28:43):
them grace.
Don't compare, don't make themfeel like, well, at least you
didn't have this or that to dealwith.
That shit helps.
Absolutely no one, and again noone wants to win that award.
That award for who has it worstsucks, and I don't want it.
You can have it.
Speaker 2 (29:00):
Oh, the worst awards.
I swear you are so right and Idon't.
It's like I didn't ask to be inthis Olympic Games.
Speaker 1 (29:08):
Yeah, right, like may the odds be ever in your favor.
Like no one wants to be here,so one wants to be here.
Oh my.
Speaker 2 (29:15):
God, that's great.
All right.
Now, if you're like me and havedog mom guilt or a complex
persona, here's a quick tool totake with you to combat the
consistent feeling of guilt.
This tool is calledResponsibility Pi, which can
help you identify what you'reaccountable for and what you're
not, so you can hopefullyrelease some of that
(29:36):
inappropriate guilt.
So the first step is you'regonna draw a pie chart
representing how responsible youfeel for the situation.
Often, people tend to blamethemselves entirely, but the aim
of this exercise is to reflecton a situation as a whole and
think about who or what elsemight have contributed to what
happened.
You can change the pie chart asyou go along, letting a more
(29:58):
balanced view start to emerge.
Don't worry too much aboutmaking the chart mathematically
accurate.
Just try to get things on paperso that you can visually see
the situation from a differentview.
While reflecting, it might helpto remember also that cause and
blame do not have to be thesame thing.
The end result will hopefullybe that you have a new
(30:22):
perspective from which you canview what happened.
It should become easier for youto explore any responsibility
that is genuinely yours, so youcan take action on it and
release any inappropriate guiltthat you may be carrying.
That's it for this week'sepisode.
Peeps, if you enjoyed it, goahead and hit that follow button
and leave a review.
We love hearing from you.
(30:42):
We'll be in your feeds againThursday for this week's Bite of
Balance.
Until then, mind your health.
["mind your Health"].
Seriously, you're fine.
You're fine because you havethe power to access your place
of peace anytime you need it.
However, if you get stuck,we're right at the palm of your
hand to help Check out our shownotes for this week's source
(31:05):
list, recommended content andKibana live group schedule.
We'll catch you next week for abrand new episode of You're
Always Fine.
["mind your Health"].
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