Are They Really Sorry? The Empty Apology Trap

Is your toxic parent’s “I’m sorry” leaving you more confused than comforted? In this episode of You’re Not Crazy, we unpack why apologies from narcissistic or otherwise toxic parents rarely feel like closure—and often reopen old wounds.

You’ll learn:

• The signs of a real apology (and what performative regret looks like)
• How to stop spiraling when they say “sorry” but nothing changes
• A mindset shift that will help you decide whether or not to forgive

If you’ve ever thought “maybe I’m being too harsh…” this episode is the clarity you’ve been needing.

Want access to archived episodes and bonus content?
Subscribe to You’re Not Crazy: The Private Feed for exclusive episodes not available on the public feed— plus get all new episodes ad-free. Sign up for only $12/month → confidentboundaries.com/private

Jess Gleim
Marketing Strategist and Meta Ads Expert. Smart, data-backed strategy that actually makes you money.

STAK Marketing
A woman-owned agency that acts like a fractional marketing director for your business

A huge thank you to our first podcast sponsors:

STAK Marketing
A woman-owned agency that acts like a fractional marketing director for your business: https://www.stakmarketing.com/

Jess Gleim

Marketing Strategist and Meta Ads Expert. Smart, data-backed strategy that actually makes you money: https://www.jessgleim.com/

🎧 Ready for More?
Subscribe to You're Not Crazy: The Private Feed for ad-free episodes, bonus content, and archived episodes no longer available in the public feed: confidentboundaries.com/private

📱 Download the Confident Boundaries App
Available on iOS and Android

📸 Follow Me on Instagram
instagram.com/torieatconfidentboundaries

Disclaimer: This podcast is not therapy. If you’re in crisis, please call the 988 Crisis Lifeline.

You're Not Crazy is owned and produced by Torie Wiksell and Confident Boundaries, LLC.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:14):
Welcome to You're Not Crazy, a podcast for the adult
children of parents withborderline and narcissistic
personality disorders.
I'm your host, tori Wixel, atherapist and coach with over a
decade of experience in themental health field.
Now let's jump in.
Hi, welcome back to the podcast.
This week, as you may haveheard, leading into this episode

(00:38):
, we are going to be running adson You're Not Crazy.
I am really excited about thisand I know ads can be not the
favorite of everyone who's apodcast listener, but this means
that our podcast is growing andgetting momentum and it's a
really exciting chapter for thepodcast.
I am so lucky that our firsttwo podcast sponsors happen to

(01:03):
be my very close friends andbusiness owners themselves, so
stay tuned.
We're going to talk about theirbusinesses throughout the
podcast.
If you want to get access toall new episodes ad-free, make
sure to check out the brand newYou're Not Crazy private feed.
You can find it atconfidentboundariescom.

(01:24):
Slash private and you'll getaccess to new episodes every
Tuesday, sometimes a tad bitearlier, ad-free, plus the
archive of all the old episodesthat I recently pulled from this
public feed of the podcast.
So those episodes are editeddown.
No more listening to outdatedinformation in the beginning or

(01:47):
the end of the podcast Just theheart of what I talked about
each week.
So head on over toconfidentboundariescom, slash
private if you're interested andyou can sign up for just $12 a
month.
For today's podcast episode, Iwanted to talk about a topic
that can be really tricky.
For today's podcast episode, Iwanted to talk about a topic
that can be really tricky.

(02:08):
People get really hung up onthis concept of their parent
apologizing to them, their toxicparent apologizing to them and
not knowing if they shouldbelieve the apology, not knowing
if they should give themanother chance, not really
knowing what to do with that.
And for those of us who grew upwith toxic parents, the last

(02:29):
thing that any of us want tofeel when we're trying to figure
out our relationship with ourparents and boundaries and all
of these things, is guilt.
And what do we feel?
When we think that maybe ourparent really isn't that bad, or
maybe they really are sorry, orthey are trying.
This time we feel guilty.

(02:49):
We feel like that's areflection of us being a bad
person, us being a bad child, usnot being a good human being
who's willing to give anotherperson, who's behaving kindly
towards us, another chanceperson who's behaving kindly
towards us, another chance.
Today, I want to talk about whywe really need to adjust our

(03:10):
mindset around this to one thatis much more accurate and
helpful.
So let's talk about apologies.
In general, I am not opposed topeople messing up.
I mess up all the time.
As someone whose perfectionismruns deep and strong.
I promise you I would love itif I could just sign up to never

(03:31):
make a mistake ever again.
However, that is not life.
That is not reality, and so Ichoose to live in the reality of
imperfection.
With that said, I am not of themindset that people are not
allowed to mess up.
I actually am of the mindsetthat it is important to have

(03:52):
space for our own imperfectionsand those of others.
However, when we're dealing witha toxic parent, we're not
dealing with isolated incidents.
You wouldn't be listening tothis podcast if this one random
time your parent was a jerk orthis one random time your parent

(04:12):
disregarded your boundaries.
That's not what we're talkingabout on You're Not Crazy.
We're talking about parents whohave a pattern of completely
steamrolling our boundaries,making us feel crazy, denying
the reality of what happened andrewriting history in a way that

(04:33):
better suits the narrative thatthey're trying to sell to
themselves or other people orwho knows.
We're dealing with a very longpattern of behavior, and that's
something that is reallyimportant to internalize,
because we so often get lost inthe weeds when it comes to

(04:54):
looking at isolated incidents.
It is really really easy to tocompletely overwhelm yourself
and drown in that self-doubt ifyou are so consumed with whether
or not your parent is sorryright now.
I think that one of the mosthelpful things that you can do

(05:15):
if you're really conflictedabout whether your parent is
genuinely apologetic for howthey have hurt you or how they
have violated a boundary ofyours, or you can fill in the
blank with whatever it is thatyou're currently dealing with or
currently struggling with.
One really helpful tool to useis to take a pause, take a

(05:39):
moment and think about what thisapology actually is.
When people are trulyapologetic and when they are
truly feeling sorry for causingharm to you, they try their best
to understand the pain thatthey caused and how to prevent

(06:02):
causing that pain.
Moving forward, these arethings that emotionally healthy
adults do.
If a friend came to me and saidTori, you really upset me the
other day when we were out atlunch.
What you were saying felt verydismissive and I've been really
upset since we talked.
My reaction is not going to bewhat are you talking about?

(06:27):
We didn't have thatconversation, or that's not how
that conversation went at all.
You must be misremembering.
Those are things that toxicparents say to us when we bring
up our feelings and how theirbehavior hurt us.
If a close friend of mine cameto me and said that I did
something that hurt them, Iwould immediately try to

(06:50):
understand what my behavior wasthat hurt them.
I would say something to myfriend like I am so sorry.
That is not my intention.
I didn't realize.
That was how I came across.
I want to really understand whatit was about what I said that
was hurtful, because the realityis we all say and do things

(07:14):
that aren't well received attimes.
We all make mistakes, we alltrip up, but we all don't double
down on our mistakes.
We all don't deflect and blamethe person that we've hurt for
them being hurt.
Those are not things that weall do.
Those are things that ourparents do.

(07:37):
Those are things that we'veexperienced, probably outside of
our relationship with ourparent as well, but those are
not things that everyone does,and so, if you're really caught
up on this idea of my parentreached out.
They want to make amends.
I'm not sure what to do in thissituation.

(07:58):
I'm not sure if they're reallysorry.
Ask yourself did they takeaccountability for what happened
?
Did they try to understand yourperspective and your point of
view?
Are they able to tell you, arethey able to share with you how
they are not going to hurt youin this way, moving forward, not

(08:23):
going to hurt you in this way,moving forward?
If they can't do any of that,chances are it's going to happen
again.
So, just like it doesn't reallymatter if the intent is to make
you feel crazy when someone'sgaslighting you, it doesn't
matter if they are truly sorry,if they are not willing and able

(08:44):
to self-reflect and takeaccountability and learn how to
not hurt you again in the future.
You have to treat that apologyfor what it is, which is Nothing
.
It's not repair.
Relationship repair happenswhen there's actual repair there

(09:04):
.
It's simply meant to be aband-aid to allow things to go
on in a way that they'recomfortable with and a way that
they want, until it happensagain.
Ultimately, it is up to you todecide how you want to handle
that situation.
But it is so important that yourecognize that there are

(09:28):
aspects of an apology aside fromsomeone saying I'm sorry and
aside from someone maybe evencrying and saying I'm sorry that
actually support whether theyare willing to do the work to
repair their relationship withyou.
And I think that right there,that mental shift is so helpful

(09:51):
when it comes to getting stuckin that type of interaction and
moment with your parent.
So if you're still strugglingwith your toxic parents right
now, or the fallout from some ofyour own cycle breaking journey
, don't forget that theConfident Boundaries membership
is here to support you.
Head over toconfidentboundariescom slash

(10:14):
membership to check it out.
And, really exciting, if youmissed the announcement we now
have something called theBoundaries Helper in the
membership.
It is a GPT and AI tool that isavailable 24-7 to help you set
and enforce boundaries with yourparents, because toxic parents

(10:34):
tend to have very poor timing asto when they're going to come
up and rock your world.
So that's in there.
Our group coaching calls are inthere every Monday and Thursday
.
You can join the membership withor without coaching calls.
It's completely up to you.
But I want you to know you'renot alone and you don't have to

(10:56):
go through this alone.
Thanks again for joining me foranother week of the You're Not
Crazy podcast.
You can find all of thearchived episodes ad-free, new
episodes and bonus content overat confidentboundariescom.
Slash private.
I'll see you next week.
Thanks so much for joining mefor another week of You're Not

(11:20):
Crazy.
If you like the podcast, pleasemake sure to rate us five stars
and leave a review.
It helps so much.
And make sure to check the shownotes for discounts and updates
of what's going on in my world.
Okay, I'll see you next week.