May 26, 2025 • 25 mins
Let’s talk about the real work of breaking dysfunctional family cycles.
If you're the adult child of a parent with borderline or narcissistic personality disorder, you probably know the drill: chaos explodes, you search frantically for tools to survive it… and then once things settle down, you convince yourself it's “not that bad.” Sound familiar?
This episode is your reminder that healing isn’t just something you do in a crisis. In fact, the most transformative progress happens between the chaos—when things are calm, quiet, and deceptively “fine.”
In this episode, I break down why that in-between time is exactly when you need to be doing the deeper work. Because this is your chance to reclaim your life without being stuck in reaction mode. We’ll talk about what real healing looks like, how to stop falling for the illusion of “it’s better now,” and why the work you do when things are calm is what actually sets you free.
Whether you’ve been the scapegoat, the peacekeeper, or the fixer—this is your sign to stop waiting for another meltdown to reach out for support. Let’s normalize choosing to heal—not just when you have to, but when you can.
Take my free boundaries course: confidentboundaries.com/workshop
Want access to archived episodes and bonus content?
Subscribe to You’re Not Crazy: The Private Feed for exclusive episodes not available on the public feed— plus get all new episodes ad-free. Sign up for only $12/month → confidentboundaries.com/private
Jess Gleim
Marketing Strategist and Meta Ads Expert. Smart, data-backed strategy that actually makes you money.
A huge thank you to our first podcast sponsors:
STAK Marketing
A woman-owned agency that acts like a fractional marketing director for your business: https://www.stakmarketing.com/
Jess Gleim
Marketing Strategist and Meta Ads Expert. Smart, data-backed strategy that actually makes you money: https://www.jessgleim.com/
🎧 Ready for More?
Subscribe to You're Not Crazy: The Private Feed for ad-free episodes, bonus content, and archived episodes no longer available in the public feed: confidentboundaries.com/private
📱 Download the Confident Boundaries App
Available on iOS and Android
📸 Follow Me on Instagram
instagram.com/torieatconfidentboundaries
Disclaimer: This podcast is not therapy. If you’re in crisis, please call the 988 Crisis Lifeline.
You're Not Crazy is owned and produced by Torie Wiksell and Confident Boundaries, LLC.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Torie Wiksell (00:14):
Welcome to You're Not Crazy, a podcast for the
adult children of parents withborderline and narcissistic
personality disorders.
I'm your host, tori Wixel, atherapist and coach with over a
decade of experience in themental health field.
Now let's jump in.
Hi and welcome back to anotherepisode of the You're Not Crazy
(00:35):
podcast.
It is pollen season in thePacific Northwest, and so if my
voice sounds especially raspy orcracks today, or if I have to
take a pause for a sneeze break,I apologize.
But pollen is in full force andwhile it is gorgeous in the
(00:56):
Pacific Northwest in the spring,I do not enjoy pollen season as
an allergy sufferer.
On another note, a couple ofthings before we jump into the
heart of the episode.
If you have signed up for myfree workshop Setting Boundaries
with a Parent you suspect hasborderline or narcissistic
personality disorder, but youhave not taken it yet, for
(01:20):
whatever reason, maybe youregistered and you forgot, maybe
you registered and you nevercheck your email.
There could be a plethora ofreasons why it got lost to the
side.
I want you to go back toconfidentboundariescom slash
workshop and sign up now.
I don't want you to put that onthe back burner.
(01:43):
I want to make sure you get in,get signed up and take the
workshop so that you canactually benefit from what I
talk about in there.
When you register, you're goingto get two emails from me One
where I say hi, you'reregistered.
Yay, here's the button to go inand watch.
And then you're going to get asecond one that asks you to set
(02:04):
up a password for my portal.
That's because I moved theworkshop over to my portal to
make it so much easier for youto watch it whether you're on a
phone or on your computer, andalso so I could send you my
bonus boundaries cheat sheetautomatically.
(02:24):
I can do this in my portal.
I can't do it as well throughother platforms.
Go in there, check it out, getmy boundaries scripts and
definitely circle back and letme know what you think after you
check it out.
A couple quick things.
So I've been working on an appfor the confident boundaries
(02:45):
membership and I'm reallyexcited because that's going to
be launching really soon and Iwill absolutely share more
details about it when itlaunches.
But our community is growing sofast over there and I am
thrilled because it is reallycool to watch people make
(03:06):
connections with each other andshare stories and read stories
from other people within theConfident Boundaries membership
and just finally feel seen andvalidated for the first time in
their entire life.
So if you're still thinking, ifyou're on the edge about that,
don't hesitate to reach out tome.
(03:28):
You can always shoot me anemail at tori T-O-R-I-E at
confidentboundariescom.
You can send me a DM at tori,at confidentboundaries, on
Instagram, and just let me know.
If you have a question, ifyou're wondering if that's
really the right fit for you,just send me a message.
Anyone who has messaged me cantell you that I always respond.
(03:51):
If I missed it, it's because itlike disappeared into some spam
portal, but I always respondand I will always be honest.
I tell people all the time Idon't think we're a great fit
for working together right nowin this capacity, because X, y
and Z.
I am not a car salesman.
I don't do everything.
I do a couple things and I dothose couple things well.
(04:14):
So I will always give you myhonest opinion and I try to push
you in the right direction if Idon't feel like what I'm
offering is the best fit for you.
So please don't ever hesitateto reach out and just ask me,
okay.
So today I want to talk aboutcrises.
I'm sure you're very familiarwith stressful crisis situations
(04:39):
, given that you're listening tothis podcast.
I imagine that your lifeexperience includes dealing with
crises on probably varyinglevels.
I know mine certainly does, andthe interesting thing about
that is when you grow up in asituation where there are all
(05:01):
different types of crises right,there's an emotional crisis,
there may be financial crisis.
There's all of these crisesbecause your emotional world,
your family dynamic, is just sochaotic and so dysfunctional,
and so there's never a prolongedperiod of time that feels safe
(05:26):
and peaceful.
It's like this wave wherethings are really stressful and
really tense, and then it's like, oh, I can breathe for a second
.
Ok, this is unnerving a bitthat things feel at ease, but
I'm just going to try to notrock the boat and let this be as
peaceful as it can be for aslong as it can be.
(05:48):
That's the abuse cycle,honeymoon period that I know
I've mentioned on here before.
It's that calm after the stormand that keeps us from really
diving in and doing the workthat we need to do to completely
break the cycle, and what Imean by that is it's so common
(06:12):
for people to reach out and seekhelp and support when they're
in crisis Because clearly,that's a great time, right.
I don't want to discourageanyone who feels like a crisis
situation is happening right nowfrom reaching out and getting
support.
Please do that if you are incrisis.
(06:33):
But what I also want you to dois I don't want you to only
reach out for help and supportwhen a crisis is happening.
Reach out for help and supportwhen a crisis is happening
Because if that is what you'redoing, you are getting some
benefit.
You are hopefully learningskills to help put out the fire.
(06:56):
You're hopefully getting somecompassion and empathy.
If you're going to therapy fromyour therapist while you're
talking about reallyuncomfortable or stressful or
scary things, there is benefitalways from getting healthy
support during a crisis, butwhen that's the only time you go
(07:17):
and access support, when that'sthe only time you do dive into
your complicated family dynamics, what's going to happen is
you're going to continue to findyourself in this chaos cycle,
(07:42):
because that's part of the cycle.
It's chaotic, it's stressfuland, yes, that's still progress,
the fact that now you'rereaching out for support when
it's chaotic and stressful.
That wasn't something that wasprobably available to you when
you were growing up.
That in and of itself isprogress.
(08:02):
However, if you stop doing thework once the fire has been put
out, once the chaos has simmeredout, once the chaos has
simmered, then you're notactually doing the deeper work
(08:23):
to break the cycle, tounderstand why you feel
compelled to be a fixer.
You aren't doing that deeperwork that we can only do when
we've taken a step back out ofthe crisis situation.
That is so hard, and I amprobably triggering so many
(08:46):
people right now who arelistening that are like are you
insane?
I am dealing with a stressfulsituation so much of my life.
The fact that you want me to,in a moment of peace and calm,
actually think about and talkabout and dive deeper into my
family dynamic makes you insane,tori.
(09:08):
That makes you crazy.
Why on earth would I want to dothat?
And I know it's not fun.
It doesn't feel great to thinkabout having to confront
something that is scary andstressful and painful and feels
so out of our control.
But it is so important that wedo that too, because this is
(09:33):
where we really do that work.
This is where we start makingthe connections with ourselves
and our intuition.
This is where we start learninghow to trust ourselves again.
This is how we start learningwho we really are.
This is how we start learningwhat we want in life.
(09:55):
This is where we start reallylooking at big picture.
What are the costs and benefitsof me having the relationship I
have now with my parents?
What are the costs and benefitsof me continuing on this cycle?
And the reason why we can onlydo this work when there's not a
(10:18):
crisis is because in a crisis,you are in fight, flight or
freeze mode.
There's something going on thatdemands your attention in the
moment and your alerts are up,your senses are spiked, you are
hypervigilant, you're justtrying to survive.
(10:39):
That's the way we're built ashumans, and in order to do this
deeper work, thisself-actualization work, this
personal growth work, this workaround our own individuation,
separating ourselves from thisperson that we were told we were
and really coming into who weactually are, the only way for
(11:03):
us to do that work is when wefeel some level of safety and
comfort.
All of that has to be done inan environment where you feel
safe and validated and likepeople understand, and it can't
be done in an environment whereyou're being gaslit or shamed or
scapegoated.
It is so complicated healingfrom this type of relationship,
(11:28):
because there are those layersthere.
There is the crisis that isinevitably going to happen.
That, hopefully, will push youinto getting support.
There is the deeper work thatneeds to be done there, the
self-reflection, the self-growth.
There are so many aspects ofhealing.
(11:51):
It's not something that,unfortunately, you can just rush
through.
It's not something that you canjust cross the finish line if
you buckle down and go hard.
It is a journey and it is alayered journey, but I know we
all grew up in a black and whiteworld.
(12:12):
You don't have to put your lifeon hold in order to do that
work.
You're allowed to grow andfigure this stuff out while
you're living your life.
You don't have to take a leaveof absence from work and focus
on your healing journey 24-7 forsix months or six years until
(12:34):
you reach that finish line,because that finish line is not
there.
Progress is imperfect.
As we grow, as we get more lifeexperience, our perspective on
progress and growth may change.
It is just one of thoseevolving things.
It is really layered and Ithink that so often we really
(13:00):
look at healing from adysfunctional family dynamic in
black and white terms, like I'meither in it or I should be over
it.
I should be done with it, and,as someone whose narcissistic
parent passed away almost 15years ago and who still is on
(13:26):
her own healing growth journeyand has done almost two decades
in personal therapy, it is ajourney, it is it's layered, it
is complicated and we reallyhave to look at it through.
These were our formative years.
This was supposed to be arelationship with a securely
(13:48):
attached adult in our lives.
This was supposed to be afoundational relationship that
taught us how to live as a human, that taught us how to feel
safe, that taught us how to makehealthy and good decisions.
This person that traumatized us, this person that terrorizes us
(14:13):
at times.
This was supposed to be oursafe person, and we grew up in
an environment where that personwas oftentimes the most harmful
person in our lives and that isso complicated and so layered.
(14:33):
And so my entire point of thisweek's podcast is to really push
you to take a step back andjust look at your healing
journey from this perspective ofwhat progress have I made thus
far.
I know that you are notstarting at day one.
(14:56):
Even if it feels like you are,even if you're like Tori, this
is the first thing I've everdone is listen to this podcast.
I've never done anything else.
That's just because you're notaware of the totality of
everything that you've done.
To even get to this point, ittakes so much work and awareness
(15:18):
and so many of those momentswhere your gut tells you I hate
this, I don't want this formyself.
All of those things are part ofyour growth journey.
If you've been to therapy,that's part of your growth
journey.
If you have taken a step backto reevaluate what you want.
(15:39):
If you've journaled, if you'vetalked, if you've reached out
for support, if you've takenclasses, if you have tried to
increase your emotionalintelligence, all of these
things matter.
All of these things areimportant, matter.
All of these things areimportant.
All of these things are a partof your growth journey and
(16:10):
ideally, we continue our growthjourney throughout our lives,
because that's what it is to bea cycle breaker.
We're, unfortunately, the personin our family who, like
everyone else, was severelytraumatized, but were the ones
that decided this ends with me.
I'm not doing this.
I don't want this for my life.
I don't want it for the peoplethat I care about.
(16:32):
I don't want this to impact myfriends, my partner, my career,
my friends, my partner, mycareer.
I don't want this anymore, andso I'm going to do what I need
to do to make sure that I'm thehealthiest version of myself.
That's a lifetime journey,right, and sometimes it's shitty
(16:53):
to be the cycle breaker in yourfamily.
A lot of the times it's shitty,especially when you're the
scapegoat, which so many of uscycle breakers are, myself
included.
It is really hard and it takesa lot of work, and so I want to
just paint this picture, not tooverwhelm you, not to make you
(17:15):
think oh my God, I've got to bein this like intense healing
journey every day of my life,for the rest of my life.
For the rest of my life.
Please don't take that awayfrom this episode.
That is not all what I'm saying.
What I'm saying is you want topace yourself.
There are moments where you'regoing to be in crisis and need
more intensive support.
Of course, definitely accessthat.
(17:38):
There are moments when you aregoing to have more emotional
capacity to do some deeperreflection and some deeper work.
Do that.
Then there are moments whereit's okay to take a mental
vacation and say I just need abreath, I'm going to take a
pause from therapy for a coupleof months.
(17:59):
I'm going to circle back, but Ineed to just take a break and I
just need to live my life.
All of those things are healthy, all of those things are
important, all of those thingsare valid and those are all
things that are part of a real,true healing journey.
It would be impossible for youto have any life outside of
(18:23):
healing if your focus 24-7 wason healing.
And so, really redefining thisidea that there's this very
clear beginning, middle and endto your healing journey, and
looking at it more, this is justa part of my story.
Part of my story is I'mlearning about the dynamic that
(18:49):
I grew up in.
Part of my story is I'mbecoming more aware of what that
means and how it's impacted me,and becoming more capable of
reaching out for help andsupport.
I'm becoming more confident inmy ability to really reflect on
(19:09):
this and ask myself what I wantand what I need, separate from
what my parents have told me Iwant and I need, have told me I
want and I need.
I am really tapping into myselfand I am creating the life that
I want for myself, and that isthat's life, that's us.
(19:30):
That's what it is to be a cyclebreaker.
I think this is just mydefinition of a cycle breaker
and what actual, real healinglooks like, and I want that for
you.
I want it for all of us becauseit's so important.
It helps everyone, society as awhole, when we all do our
(19:51):
healing work.
It is helpful when you go tothe grocery store and something
bad happens and you know how toregulate your emotions because
you went and sought thatinformation and so the checker
at the grocery store doesn'thave to be on the receiving end
of like passive, aggressiveconversations.
(20:12):
This helps everyone for us tobreak the cycle.
It helps us, it helps thepeople we care about and it
helps a greater community thatwe interact and live in, and so
I always am rooting for you.
I know I end so many of myemails with I'm cheering you on,
I'm rooting for you, but it'sbecause I genuinely mean it.
(20:33):
I know that it's really hard.
I know that it's complicated.
I know you did not have aroadmap.
That's being a cycle breaker,and that's also why I feel so
passionate now about sharing myown perspective, my own
(20:54):
experience, my own thoughtsregarding what it looks like
actually to be healing fromgrowing up in a toxic family
dynamic, because I didn't haveanyone to look at for that stuff
either and it's complicated.
And this has been a journeytrying to get here and I think
(21:17):
that by sharing both clinicallywhat I've learned and observed
and personally what I havelearned and observed, I am very
hopeful that it can make thisjourney feel a little more
accessible and a little lessintimidating for you, because I
(21:38):
promise you less intimidatingfor you, because I promise you,
I mean it when I say that if Icould learn how to do all of
these things, if I could learnhow to regulate my own emotions,
if I could learn how totolerate tough emotions, I could
learn how to address conflictin a healthy way, and if I could
learn how to set and hold myboundaries anyone out there who
(22:04):
wants to do that, who really iswilling to put in the effort and
energy needed I am confidentyou can do it too.
It's not magic, it's not rocketscience, but it is something
that takes effort, energy andclarity around what works and
(22:28):
what doesn't and why that isthat certain things work and
certain things don't.
So I promise you all is notlost, it is not hopeless.
Keep going, reach out, keepdoing the work, keep going,
reach out, keep doing the work.
Don't just do the work duringcrisis.
Keep going.
I know that can feel reallytempting and appealing.
(22:48):
It is not the same thing asonly doing the work during
crisis.
If you're taking a pause fromdoing the work, those are two
different things right.
One is I'm only going toconfront this when there's a
crisis going on, and the otheris I'm taking a breath to just
get out and live my life andthen I'm going to circle back
(23:09):
with more clarity and ease.
So, with that said, have agreat rest of your week, you
guys, and I'll see you next week.
Bye, thanks so much for joiningme for another week of You're
Not Crazy.
If you like the podcast, pleasemake sure to rate us five stars
and leave a review it helps somuch and make sure to check the
(23:33):
show notes for discounts andupdates of what's going on in my
world.
Okay, I'll see you next week.
Welcome to You're Not Crazy, a podcast for the
adult children of parents withborderline and narcissistic
personality disorders.
I'm your host, tori Wixel, atherapist and coach with over a
decade of experience in themental health field.
Now let's jump in.
Hi and welcome back to anotherepisode of the You're Not Crazy
(00:35):
podcast.
It is pollen season in thePacific Northwest, and so if my
voice sounds especially raspy orcracks today, or if I have to
take a pause for a sneeze break,I apologize.
But pollen is in full force andwhile it is gorgeous in the
(00:56):
Pacific Northwest in the spring,I do not enjoy pollen season as
an allergy sufferer.
On another note, a couple ofthings before we jump into the
heart of the episode.
If you have signed up for myfree workshop Setting Boundaries
with a Parent you suspect hasborderline or narcissistic
personality disorder, but youhave not taken it yet, for
(01:20):
whatever reason, maybe youregistered and you forgot, maybe
you registered and you nevercheck your email.
There could be a plethora ofreasons why it got lost to the
side.
I want you to go back toconfidentboundariescom slash
workshop and sign up now.
I don't want you to put that onthe back burner.
(01:43):
I want to make sure you get in,get signed up and take the
workshop so that you canactually benefit from what I
talk about in there.
When you register, you're goingto get two emails from me One
where I say hi, you'reregistered.
Yay, here's the button to go inand watch.
And then you're going to get asecond one that asks you to set
(02:04):
up a password for my portal.
That's because I moved theworkshop over to my portal to
make it so much easier for youto watch it whether you're on a
phone or on your computer, andalso so I could send you my
bonus boundaries cheat sheetautomatically.
(02:24):
I can do this in my portal.
I can't do it as well throughother platforms.
Go in there, check it out, getmy boundaries scripts and
definitely circle back and letme know what you think after you
check it out.
A couple quick things.
So I've been working on an appfor the confident boundaries
(02:45):
membership and I'm reallyexcited because that's going to
be launching really soon and Iwill absolutely share more
details about it when itlaunches.
But our community is growing sofast over there and I am
thrilled because it is reallycool to watch people make
(03:06):
connections with each other andshare stories and read stories
from other people within theConfident Boundaries membership
and just finally feel seen andvalidated for the first time in
their entire life.
So if you're still thinking, ifyou're on the edge about that,
don't hesitate to reach out tome.
(03:28):
You can always shoot me anemail at tori T-O-R-I-E at
confidentboundariescom.
You can send me a DM at tori,at confidentboundaries, on
Instagram, and just let me know.
If you have a question, ifyou're wondering if that's
really the right fit for you,just send me a message.
Anyone who has messaged me cantell you that I always respond.
(03:51):
If I missed it, it's because itlike disappeared into some spam
portal, but I always respondand I will always be honest.
I tell people all the time Idon't think we're a great fit
for working together right nowin this capacity, because X, y
and Z.
I am not a car salesman.
I don't do everything.
I do a couple things and I dothose couple things well.
(04:14):
So I will always give you myhonest opinion and I try to push
you in the right direction if Idon't feel like what I'm
offering is the best fit for you.
So please don't ever hesitateto reach out and just ask me,
okay.
So today I want to talk aboutcrises.
I'm sure you're very familiarwith stressful crisis situations
(04:39):
, given that you're listening tothis podcast.
I imagine that your lifeexperience includes dealing with
crises on probably varyinglevels.
I know mine certainly does, andthe interesting thing about
that is when you grow up in asituation where there are all
(05:01):
different types of crises right,there's an emotional crisis,
there may be financial crisis.
There's all of these crisesbecause your emotional world,
your family dynamic, is just sochaotic and so dysfunctional,
and so there's never a prolongedperiod of time that feels safe
(05:26):
and peaceful.
It's like this wave wherethings are really stressful and
really tense, and then it's like, oh, I can breathe for a second
.
Ok, this is unnerving a bitthat things feel at ease, but
I'm just going to try to notrock the boat and let this be as
peaceful as it can be for aslong as it can be.
(05:48):
That's the abuse cycle,honeymoon period that I know
I've mentioned on here before.
It's that calm after the stormand that keeps us from really
diving in and doing the workthat we need to do to completely
break the cycle, and what Imean by that is it's so common
(06:12):
for people to reach out and seekhelp and support when they're
in crisis Because clearly,that's a great time, right.
I don't want to discourageanyone who feels like a crisis
situation is happening right nowfrom reaching out and getting
support.
Please do that if you are incrisis.
(06:33):
But what I also want you to dois I don't want you to only
reach out for help and supportwhen a crisis is happening.
Reach out for help and supportwhen a crisis is happening
Because if that is what you'redoing, you are getting some
benefit.
You are hopefully learningskills to help put out the fire.
(06:56):
You're hopefully getting somecompassion and empathy.
If you're going to therapy fromyour therapist while you're
talking about reallyuncomfortable or stressful or
scary things, there is benefitalways from getting healthy
support during a crisis, butwhen that's the only time you go
(07:17):
and access support, when that'sthe only time you do dive into
your complicated family dynamics, what's going to happen is
you're going to continue to findyourself in this chaos cycle,
(07:42):
because that's part of the cycle.
It's chaotic, it's stressfuland, yes, that's still progress,
the fact that now you'rereaching out for support when
it's chaotic and stressful.
That wasn't something that wasprobably available to you when
you were growing up.
That in and of itself isprogress.
(08:02):
However, if you stop doing thework once the fire has been put
out, once the chaos has simmeredout, once the chaos has
simmered, then you're notactually doing the deeper work
(08:23):
to break the cycle, tounderstand why you feel
compelled to be a fixer.
You aren't doing that deeperwork that we can only do when
we've taken a step back out ofthe crisis situation.
That is so hard, and I amprobably triggering so many
(08:46):
people right now who arelistening that are like are you
insane?
I am dealing with a stressfulsituation so much of my life.
The fact that you want me to,in a moment of peace and calm,
actually think about and talkabout and dive deeper into my
family dynamic makes you insane,tori.
(09:08):
That makes you crazy.
Why on earth would I want to dothat?
And I know it's not fun.
It doesn't feel great to thinkabout having to confront
something that is scary andstressful and painful and feels
so out of our control.
But it is so important that wedo that too, because this is
(09:33):
where we really do that work.
This is where we start makingthe connections with ourselves
and our intuition.
This is where we start learninghow to trust ourselves again.
This is how we start learningwho we really are.
This is how we start learningwhat we want in life.
(09:55):
This is where we start reallylooking at big picture.
What are the costs and benefitsof me having the relationship I
have now with my parents?
What are the costs and benefitsof me continuing on this cycle?
And the reason why we can onlydo this work when there's not a
(10:18):
crisis is because in a crisis,you are in fight, flight or
freeze mode.
There's something going on thatdemands your attention in the
moment and your alerts are up,your senses are spiked, you are
hypervigilant, you're justtrying to survive.
(10:39):
That's the way we're built ashumans, and in order to do this
deeper work, thisself-actualization work, this
personal growth work, this workaround our own individuation,
separating ourselves from thisperson that we were told we were
and really coming into who weactually are, the only way for
(11:03):
us to do that work is when wefeel some level of safety and
comfort.
All of that has to be done inan environment where you feel
safe and validated and likepeople understand, and it can't
be done in an environment whereyou're being gaslit or shamed or
scapegoated.
It is so complicated healingfrom this type of relationship,
(11:28):
because there are those layersthere.
There is the crisis that isinevitably going to happen.
That, hopefully, will push youinto getting support.
There is the deeper work thatneeds to be done there, the
self-reflection, the self-growth.
There are so many aspects ofhealing.
(11:51):
It's not something that,unfortunately, you can just rush
through.
It's not something that you canjust cross the finish line if
you buckle down and go hard.
It is a journey and it is alayered journey, but I know we
all grew up in a black and whiteworld.
(12:12):
You don't have to put your lifeon hold in order to do that
work.
You're allowed to grow andfigure this stuff out while
you're living your life.
You don't have to take a leaveof absence from work and focus
on your healing journey 24-7 forsix months or six years until
(12:34):
you reach that finish line,because that finish line is not
there.
Progress is imperfect.
As we grow, as we get more lifeexperience, our perspective on
progress and growth may change.
It is just one of thoseevolving things.
It is really layered and Ithink that so often we really
(13:00):
look at healing from adysfunctional family dynamic in
black and white terms, like I'meither in it or I should be over
it.
I should be done with it, and,as someone whose narcissistic
parent passed away almost 15years ago and who still is on
(13:26):
her own healing growth journeyand has done almost two decades
in personal therapy, it is ajourney, it is it's layered, it
is complicated and we reallyhave to look at it through.
These were our formative years.
This was supposed to be arelationship with a securely
(13:48):
attached adult in our lives.
This was supposed to be afoundational relationship that
taught us how to live as a human, that taught us how to feel
safe, that taught us how to makehealthy and good decisions.
This person that traumatized us, this person that terrorizes us
(14:13):
at times.
This was supposed to be oursafe person, and we grew up in
an environment where that personwas oftentimes the most harmful
person in our lives and that isso complicated and so layered.
(14:33):
And so my entire point of thisweek's podcast is to really push
you to take a step back andjust look at your healing
journey from this perspective ofwhat progress have I made thus
far.
I know that you are notstarting at day one.
(14:56):
Even if it feels like you are,even if you're like Tori, this
is the first thing I've everdone is listen to this podcast.
I've never done anything else.
That's just because you're notaware of the totality of
everything that you've done.
To even get to this point, ittakes so much work and awareness
(15:18):
and so many of those momentswhere your gut tells you I hate
this, I don't want this formyself.
All of those things are part ofyour growth journey.
If you've been to therapy,that's part of your growth
journey.
If you have taken a step backto reevaluate what you want.
(15:39):
If you've journaled, if you'vetalked, if you've reached out
for support, if you've takenclasses, if you have tried to
increase your emotionalintelligence, all of these
things matter.
All of these things areimportant, matter.
All of these things areimportant.
All of these things are a partof your growth journey and
(16:10):
ideally, we continue our growthjourney throughout our lives,
because that's what it is to bea cycle breaker.
We're, unfortunately, the personin our family who, like
everyone else, was severelytraumatized, but were the ones
that decided this ends with me.
I'm not doing this.
I don't want this for my life.
I don't want it for the peoplethat I care about.
(16:32):
I don't want this to impact myfriends, my partner, my career,
my friends, my partner, mycareer.
I don't want this anymore, andso I'm going to do what I need
to do to make sure that I'm thehealthiest version of myself.
That's a lifetime journey,right, and sometimes it's shitty
(16:53):
to be the cycle breaker in yourfamily.
A lot of the times it's shitty,especially when you're the
scapegoat, which so many of uscycle breakers are, myself
included.
It is really hard and it takesa lot of work, and so I want to
just paint this picture, not tooverwhelm you, not to make you
(17:15):
think oh my God, I've got to bein this like intense healing
journey every day of my life,for the rest of my life.
For the rest of my life.
Please don't take that awayfrom this episode.
That is not all what I'm saying.
What I'm saying is you want topace yourself.
There are moments where you'regoing to be in crisis and need
more intensive support.
Of course, definitely accessthat.
(17:38):
There are moments when you aregoing to have more emotional
capacity to do some deeperreflection and some deeper work.
Do that.
Then there are moments whereit's okay to take a mental
vacation and say I just need abreath, I'm going to take a
pause from therapy for a coupleof months.
(17:59):
I'm going to circle back, but Ineed to just take a break and I
just need to live my life.
All of those things are healthy, all of those things are
important, all of those thingsare valid and those are all
things that are part of a real,true healing journey.
It would be impossible for youto have any life outside of
(18:23):
healing if your focus 24-7 wason healing.
And so, really redefining thisidea that there's this very
clear beginning, middle and endto your healing journey, and
looking at it more, this is justa part of my story.
Part of my story is I'mlearning about the dynamic that
(18:49):
I grew up in.
Part of my story is I'mbecoming more aware of what that
means and how it's impacted me,and becoming more capable of
reaching out for help andsupport.
I'm becoming more confident inmy ability to really reflect on
(19:09):
this and ask myself what I wantand what I need, separate from
what my parents have told me Iwant and I need, have told me I
want and I need.
I am really tapping into myselfand I am creating the life that
I want for myself, and that isthat's life, that's us.
(19:30):
That's what it is to be a cyclebreaker.
I think this is just mydefinition of a cycle breaker
and what actual, real healinglooks like, and I want that for
you.
I want it for all of us becauseit's so important.
It helps everyone, society as awhole, when we all do our
(19:51):
healing work.
It is helpful when you go tothe grocery store and something
bad happens and you know how toregulate your emotions because
you went and sought thatinformation and so the checker
at the grocery store doesn'thave to be on the receiving end
of like passive, aggressiveconversations.
(20:12):
This helps everyone for us tobreak the cycle.
It helps us, it helps thepeople we care about and it
helps a greater community thatwe interact and live in, and so
I always am rooting for you.
I know I end so many of myemails with I'm cheering you on,
I'm rooting for you, but it'sbecause I genuinely mean it.
(20:33):
I know that it's really hard.
I know that it's complicated.
I know you did not have aroadmap.
That's being a cycle breaker,and that's also why I feel so
passionate now about sharing myown perspective, my own
(20:54):
experience, my own thoughtsregarding what it looks like
actually to be healing fromgrowing up in a toxic family
dynamic, because I didn't haveanyone to look at for that stuff
either and it's complicated.
And this has been a journeytrying to get here and I think
(21:17):
that by sharing both clinicallywhat I've learned and observed
and personally what I havelearned and observed, I am very
hopeful that it can make thisjourney feel a little more
accessible and a little lessintimidating for you, because I
(21:38):
promise you less intimidatingfor you, because I promise you,
I mean it when I say that if Icould learn how to do all of
these things, if I could learnhow to regulate my own emotions,
if I could learn how totolerate tough emotions, I could
learn how to address conflictin a healthy way, and if I could
learn how to set and hold myboundaries anyone out there who
(22:04):
wants to do that, who really iswilling to put in the effort and
energy needed I am confidentyou can do it too.
It's not magic, it's not rocketscience, but it is something
that takes effort, energy andclarity around what works and
(22:28):
what doesn't and why that isthat certain things work and
certain things don't.
So I promise you all is notlost, it is not hopeless.
Keep going, reach out, keepdoing the work, keep going,
reach out, keep doing the work.
Don't just do the work duringcrisis.
Keep going.
I know that can feel reallytempting and appealing.
(22:48):
It is not the same thing asonly doing the work during
crisis.
If you're taking a pause fromdoing the work, those are two
different things right.
One is I'm only going toconfront this when there's a
crisis going on, and the otheris I'm taking a breath to just
get out and live my life andthen I'm going to circle back
(23:09):
with more clarity and ease.
So, with that said, have agreat rest of your week, you
guys, and I'll see you next week.
Bye, thanks so much for joiningme for another week of You're
Not Crazy.
If you like the podcast, pleasemake sure to rate us five stars
and leave a review it helps somuch and make sure to check the
(23:33):
show notes for discounts andupdates of what's going on in my
world.
Okay, I'll see you next week.
Popular Podcasts
Crime Junkie
Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.
24/7 News: The Latest
The latest news in 4 minutes updated every hour, every day.
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.