October 21, 2024 • 14 mins
In this episode, we talk about self-compassion and why it is so hard to develop for adults who grew up with emotionally unpredictable parents. I dive deep into why an emotionally safe space is essential for developing self-compassion and ways you can practice being kinder to yourself starting today.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Torie Wiksell (00:14):
Welcome to You're Not Crazy, a podcast for the
adult children of parents withborderline and narcissistic
personality disorders.
I'm your host, tori Wixel, atherapist and coach with over a
decade of experience in themental health field.
Now let's jump in, hi guys,welcome back to the podcast.
(00:35):
I just want to start bythanking everyone for sharing
such kind thoughts about the Q&Aepisode.
I'm so happy that you guysreally seem to love it and also
for all of the positive feedbackthat I've gotten around the
Patreon community.
I'm so excited to grow thatcommunity and, like I was saying
before, these Tuesday episodesthey're not going anywhere.
(00:58):
So don't worry if you can'tafford to join the Patreon
community.
If you just are not interestedin it, it's totally fine.
But if you are interested inmore content and connecting more
and just getting some moresupport around your relationship
with a parent with borderlineor narcissistic personality
(01:20):
disorder, definitely head overto patreoncom, slash YNCPodcast
and check out the differentmembership levels over there.
There's a $5 tier, a $10 tierand a $20 tier.
So totally up to you as to whatfits your budget and your needs
and all of that, but I hope tosee you over there.
(01:42):
With that said, let's get intotoday's episode.
Today I'm going to be talkingabout self-compassion and how it
is really, really hard to benice to yourself when you grow
up with a parent with BPD ornarcissistic personality
disorder.
Self-compassion learning how tobe kind to myself has honestly
(02:06):
been one of the hardest thingsthat I've had to do in my own
personal healing journey, and Iwouldn't be surprised if it's on
the top of your list of hardestthings to do as well.
It is just so hard to be kindto ourselves when we didn't have
(02:26):
a space where it was safe forus to express ourselves and try
different things and fail andlearn about what we like and
what we don't like, and dothings wrong wrong.
(02:46):
These are all things you'resupposed to be able to do when
you're a kid, that you'resupposed to be able to do when
you're growing up.
You're supposed to have thisspace where life can be messy
and you can figure out thingsand it's okay and it's safe, and
you have this parent there whois going to help you and they're
going to help you learn how todo things differently and how to
(03:06):
problem solve and how toforgive yourself and forgive
other people when things don'tgo the way that you intended for
them to go or when you hurtsomeone in some way.
That is the role of a parent.
Your parent is supposed toteach you how to be an
emotionally healthy human, but Iknow your parent did not teach
(03:30):
you how to do that, because theycan't even do that for
themselves.
So how in the world would theybe able to teach you how to do
it?
It's just not possible.
And so instead you're left toyour own devices and you're left
to figure out how to helpyourself deal with the ups and
(03:52):
downs of life and how totolerate when things don't go
the way you would like them togo, and you're doing this with a
really skewed perception ofwhat the consequences of failure
are.
Right, when you're growing up inthis parent-child dynamic, it
is very, very undesirable topiss your parent off.
(04:16):
It just is.
You, I'm sure, have spent a lotof time and energy trying to
avoid them getting upset, andespecially them getting upset
with you, because it is veryunpleasant to be on the
receiving end of that and thatin and of itself, that driving
(04:38):
force of trying to anticipatetheir emotions and prevent any
sort of outbursts around that orbacklash or anger All of that
leaves an environment that isnot safe to develop
self-compassion in.
Self-compassion really needs tobe developed when you are in an
(05:00):
emotionally safe environmentwhere it is genuinely okay for
you to not be perfect or dothings perfectly.
If you don't feel safe in yourhome, if you don't feel safe
with the people around you whoare caring for you, who are
responsible for you, then thereis no way in the world that you
(05:25):
are going to be able to developself-compassion.
And so that is one major reasonwhy so many of us have such a
hard time developing this asadults is that it just was not
something that we were modeled,it was not something that we
were taught, and it takes a longtime for many of us to get into
(05:53):
a situation where we reallyfeel safe and like we have the
capacity to work on somethinglike being compassionate to
ourselves, because the realityis working on ourselves, working
on improving our ability toempathize with ourselves.
(06:13):
Is that a thing To be, and toshow compassion towards
ourselves?
That's a luxury, that's aprivilege.
That is not something that youhave the time and the space for
if you are preoccupied withtrying to stay safe, whether
that's physically, emotionallyor otherwise, and so what I want
(06:36):
to express to you with all ofthis is that self-compassion is
something that you are going tohave to work on, if you aren't
already working on it, because Iknow that it is not possible to
develop self-compassion in anenvironment that is not safe.
(06:57):
But now you can create anenvironment for yourself that is
safe.
Now you're an adult, now youhave the ability to access
resources and support and tocreate a world in which you feel
and you are emotionally andphysically safe and with that
(07:18):
you can start to practiceself-compassion, because in your
emotionally safe world you canstart to sit with the fact that
you're going to mess up andyou're going to be imperfect,
and that's okay.
The world does not end when youmake mistakes.
I know that it probably doesn'tfeel that way, because for you,
(07:42):
growing up, when you didsomething that was perceived to
be wrong, when you messed up insome up, when you did something
that was perceived to be wrong,when you messed up in some way,
when you did something thatupset your parent, it probably
did feel like the end of theworld a lot of the time.
And that's because of theirdysfunction, that's because of
their abusive behaviors.
That is not because when youmess up when you do something
(08:07):
wrong, it is actually the end ofthe world.
It is not a catastrophe for youto be imperfect.
It is actually what makes youwonderful and amazing your
ability to tolerate yourimperfections, your ability to
allow yourself to really beyourself and to make mistakes
(08:27):
and to try things.
That is living life to thefullest.
That is you trying and wantingto do things that are meaningful
to you, even though you're notgoing to be the best at all of
them.
You're not going to do them allperfectly and you're going to
mess the best at all of them.
You're not going to do them allperfectly and you're going to
(08:47):
mess up a lot along the way.
That's the only way that youcan truly live your life to the
fullest is if you allow yourselfto really do things that are
outside of your comfort zone,because they're important to you
, because they matter to you.
One of the biggest areas whichhas really pushed me to work on
(09:10):
self-compassion is becoming aparent myself.
It has been a challengingjourney for many reasons, none
of which have anything to dowith my daughter.
It is all about my own abilityto tolerate my imperfections and
(09:31):
to look inward and to havecompassion for myself and to
demonstrate self-compassion.
Right when things go wrong,when I'm feeling sad or
disappointed.
To be able to model that for mydaughter in a developmentally
appropriate way.
Right, where I'm not putting myemotions onto her or creating
(09:51):
this world that feels unsafe forher, but where I'm modeling for
her that it is okay to mess up,it's okay to make mistakes and
the way that we handle that iswhat really matters.
Right, that we're kind toourselves, that we're
understanding to ourselves andthat we repair relationships.
(10:15):
When we do something wrong andwhen we have handled a situation
in a way that was destructiveor that we're not proud of, we
repair that relationship, wereflect on ourselves and our
actions and we learn how to dobetter and to not hurt people
around us and how to, you know,take our mistakes as
(10:39):
constructive feedback for whatdidn't work the way we would
like for it to, for what didn'twork the way we would like for
it to.
When you grow up in thatparent-child dynamic that you
and I grew up in, you're goingto have to learn how to treat
yourself kindly and it's goingto be so hard.
And it's going to be hard, it'sgoing to be so worth it,
(11:00):
because when you can toleratethe fact that you're not perfect
and it's okay, you start tosurround yourself with other
people who are also open aboutthe fact that they're imperfect
and it's okay, and you start tohave these deeper emotional
relationships and emotionalconnections and life is so much
(11:24):
better around people who arehonest and they're not full of
bullshit and they're not tryingto project this image of
themselves that is so great andwonderful and they are the best
at everything and they neverhave any challenges like that is
exhausting and it's not true,and we all are flawed humans,
(11:45):
and so I know thatself-compassion is a hard one.
I know that it can be a scaryone to really work on, and I
really encourage you just takebaby steps.
You know.
If you're a parent yourself,try asking yourself how would I
respond to my own child if theyhad the same issue, if they came
(12:08):
to me with a similar concern?
It is oftentimes so much easierto really conceptualize being
kind and compassionate tosomeone we love and care about,
more so than it is to be kindand compassionate to ourselves
and care about more so than itis to be kind and compassionate
to ourselves.
And so, if you're not a parent,think about a best friend or a
(12:31):
sibling or a partner or anyonein the world that you care about
, that you will more easily beable to tap into that kindness
and compassion with and juststart there and just start
saying those things to yourselfabout yourself, when they don't
feel true.
And eventually, if you keepdoing that and you keep taking
(12:52):
the time to catch yourself whenyou're beating yourself up and
instead offer yourself a morekind response and a more kind
thought over time, withconsistency, those thoughts,
those statements, those thoughtsof kindness, those statements
of kindness, they are going tostart to resonate more.
(13:14):
They are going to start to feelmore real.
Um, but it's a journey.
You didn't get to this place ofbeating yourself up overnight
and you're not going to get tothis place of beating yourself
up overnight and you're notgoing to get to the place of
being kind to yourself overnighteither.
But that doesn't mean youshouldn't start and it doesn't
mean you can't make a lot ofprogress along the way.
(13:35):
All right, that is the end ofthis episode and I will see you
guys next week.
Hopefully, see you in thePatreon too.
Okay, see you guys next week.
Hopefully, see you in thePatreon too.
Okay, see you soon.
Bye.
Thanks so much for joining mefor another week of You're Not
Crazy.
If you like the podcast, pleasemake sure to rate us five stars
and leave a review.
(13:56):
It helps so much.
And make sure to check the shownotes for discounts and updates
of what's going on in my world.
Okay, I'll see you next week.
Welcome to You're Not Crazy, a podcast for the
adult children of parents withborderline and narcissistic
personality disorders.
I'm your host, tori Wixel, atherapist and coach with over a
decade of experience in themental health field.
Now let's jump in, hi guys,welcome back to the podcast.
(00:35):
I just want to start bythanking everyone for sharing
such kind thoughts about the Q&Aepisode.
I'm so happy that you guysreally seem to love it and also
for all of the positive feedbackthat I've gotten around the
Patreon community.
I'm so excited to grow thatcommunity and, like I was saying
before, these Tuesday episodesthey're not going anywhere.
(00:58):
So don't worry if you can'tafford to join the Patreon
community.
If you just are not interestedin it, it's totally fine.
But if you are interested inmore content and connecting more
and just getting some moresupport around your relationship
with a parent with borderlineor narcissistic personality
(01:20):
disorder, definitely head overto patreoncom, slash YNCPodcast
and check out the differentmembership levels over there.
There's a $5 tier, a $10 tierand a $20 tier.
So totally up to you as to whatfits your budget and your needs
and all of that, but I hope tosee you over there.
(01:42):
With that said, let's get intotoday's episode.
Today I'm going to be talkingabout self-compassion and how it
is really, really hard to benice to yourself when you grow
up with a parent with BPD ornarcissistic personality
disorder.
Self-compassion learning how tobe kind to myself has honestly
(02:06):
been one of the hardest thingsthat I've had to do in my own
personal healing journey, and Iwouldn't be surprised if it's on
the top of your list of hardestthings to do as well.
It is just so hard to be kindto ourselves when we didn't have
(02:26):
a space where it was safe forus to express ourselves and try
different things and fail andlearn about what we like and
what we don't like, and dothings wrong wrong.
(02:46):
These are all things you'resupposed to be able to do when
you're a kid, that you'resupposed to be able to do when
you're growing up.
You're supposed to have thisspace where life can be messy
and you can figure out thingsand it's okay and it's safe, and
you have this parent there whois going to help you and they're
going to help you learn how todo things differently and how to
(03:06):
problem solve and how toforgive yourself and forgive
other people when things don'tgo the way that you intended for
them to go or when you hurtsomeone in some way.
That is the role of a parent.
Your parent is supposed toteach you how to be an
emotionally healthy human, but Iknow your parent did not teach
(03:30):
you how to do that, because theycan't even do that for
themselves.
So how in the world would theybe able to teach you how to do
it?
It's just not possible.
And so instead you're left toyour own devices and you're left
to figure out how to helpyourself deal with the ups and
(03:52):
downs of life and how totolerate when things don't go
the way you would like them togo, and you're doing this with a
really skewed perception ofwhat the consequences of failure
are.
Right, when you're growing up inthis parent-child dynamic, it
is very, very undesirable topiss your parent off.
(04:16):
It just is.
You, I'm sure, have spent a lotof time and energy trying to
avoid them getting upset, andespecially them getting upset
with you, because it is veryunpleasant to be on the
receiving end of that and thatin and of itself, that driving
(04:38):
force of trying to anticipatetheir emotions and prevent any
sort of outbursts around that orbacklash or anger All of that
leaves an environment that isnot safe to develop
self-compassion in.
Self-compassion really needs tobe developed when you are in an
(05:00):
emotionally safe environmentwhere it is genuinely okay for
you to not be perfect or dothings perfectly.
If you don't feel safe in yourhome, if you don't feel safe
with the people around you whoare caring for you, who are
responsible for you, then thereis no way in the world that you
(05:25):
are going to be able to developself-compassion.
And so that is one major reasonwhy so many of us have such a
hard time developing this asadults is that it just was not
something that we were modeled,it was not something that we
were taught, and it takes a longtime for many of us to get into
(05:53):
a situation where we reallyfeel safe and like we have the
capacity to work on somethinglike being compassionate to
ourselves, because the realityis working on ourselves, working
on improving our ability toempathize with ourselves.
(06:13):
Is that a thing To be, and toshow compassion towards
ourselves?
That's a luxury, that's aprivilege.
That is not something that youhave the time and the space for
if you are preoccupied withtrying to stay safe, whether
that's physically, emotionallyor otherwise, and so what I want
(06:36):
to express to you with all ofthis is that self-compassion is
something that you are going tohave to work on, if you aren't
already working on it, because Iknow that it is not possible to
develop self-compassion in anenvironment that is not safe.
(06:57):
But now you can create anenvironment for yourself that is
safe.
Now you're an adult, now youhave the ability to access
resources and support and tocreate a world in which you feel
and you are emotionally andphysically safe and with that
(07:18):
you can start to practiceself-compassion, because in your
emotionally safe world you canstart to sit with the fact that
you're going to mess up andyou're going to be imperfect,
and that's okay.
The world does not end when youmake mistakes.
I know that it probably doesn'tfeel that way, because for you,
(07:42):
growing up, when you didsomething that was perceived to
be wrong, when you messed up insome up, when you did something
that was perceived to be wrong,when you messed up in some way,
when you did something thatupset your parent, it probably
did feel like the end of theworld a lot of the time.
And that's because of theirdysfunction, that's because of
their abusive behaviors.
That is not because when youmess up when you do something
(08:07):
wrong, it is actually the end ofthe world.
It is not a catastrophe for youto be imperfect.
It is actually what makes youwonderful and amazing your
ability to tolerate yourimperfections, your ability to
allow yourself to really beyourself and to make mistakes
(08:27):
and to try things.
That is living life to thefullest.
That is you trying and wantingto do things that are meaningful
to you, even though you're notgoing to be the best at all of
them.
You're not going to do them allperfectly and you're going to
mess the best at all of them.
You're not going to do them allperfectly and you're going to
(08:47):
mess up a lot along the way.
That's the only way that youcan truly live your life to the
fullest is if you allow yourselfto really do things that are
outside of your comfort zone,because they're important to you
, because they matter to you.
One of the biggest areas whichhas really pushed me to work on
(09:10):
self-compassion is becoming aparent myself.
It has been a challengingjourney for many reasons, none
of which have anything to dowith my daughter.
It is all about my own abilityto tolerate my imperfections and
(09:31):
to look inward and to havecompassion for myself and to
demonstrate self-compassion.
Right when things go wrong,when I'm feeling sad or
disappointed.
To be able to model that for mydaughter in a developmentally
appropriate way.
Right, where I'm not putting myemotions onto her or creating
(09:51):
this world that feels unsafe forher, but where I'm modeling for
her that it is okay to mess up,it's okay to make mistakes and
the way that we handle that iswhat really matters.
Right, that we're kind toourselves, that we're
understanding to ourselves andthat we repair relationships.
(10:15):
When we do something wrong andwhen we have handled a situation
in a way that was destructiveor that we're not proud of, we
repair that relationship, wereflect on ourselves and our
actions and we learn how to dobetter and to not hurt people
around us and how to, you know,take our mistakes as
(10:39):
constructive feedback for whatdidn't work the way we would
like for it to, for what didn'twork the way we would like for
it to.
When you grow up in thatparent-child dynamic that you
and I grew up in, you're goingto have to learn how to treat
yourself kindly and it's goingto be so hard.
And it's going to be hard, it'sgoing to be so worth it,
(11:00):
because when you can toleratethe fact that you're not perfect
and it's okay, you start tosurround yourself with other
people who are also open aboutthe fact that they're imperfect
and it's okay, and you start tohave these deeper emotional
relationships and emotionalconnections and life is so much
(11:24):
better around people who arehonest and they're not full of
bullshit and they're not tryingto project this image of
themselves that is so great andwonderful and they are the best
at everything and they neverhave any challenges like that is
exhausting and it's not true,and we all are flawed humans,
(11:45):
and so I know thatself-compassion is a hard one.
I know that it can be a scaryone to really work on, and I
really encourage you just takebaby steps.
You know.
If you're a parent yourself,try asking yourself how would I
respond to my own child if theyhad the same issue, if they came
(12:08):
to me with a similar concern?
It is oftentimes so much easierto really conceptualize being
kind and compassionate tosomeone we love and care about,
more so than it is to be kindand compassionate to ourselves
and care about more so than itis to be kind and compassionate
to ourselves.
And so, if you're not a parent,think about a best friend or a
(12:31):
sibling or a partner or anyonein the world that you care about
, that you will more easily beable to tap into that kindness
and compassion with and juststart there and just start
saying those things to yourselfabout yourself, when they don't
feel true.
And eventually, if you keepdoing that and you keep taking
(12:52):
the time to catch yourself whenyou're beating yourself up and
instead offer yourself a morekind response and a more kind
thought over time, withconsistency, those thoughts,
those statements, those thoughtsof kindness, those statements
of kindness, they are going tostart to resonate more.
(13:14):
They are going to start to feelmore real.
Um, but it's a journey.
You didn't get to this place ofbeating yourself up overnight
and you're not going to get tothis place of beating yourself
up overnight and you're notgoing to get to the place of
being kind to yourself overnighteither.
But that doesn't mean youshouldn't start and it doesn't
mean you can't make a lot ofprogress along the way.
(13:35):
All right, that is the end ofthis episode and I will see you
guys next week.
Hopefully, see you in thePatreon too.
Okay, see you guys next week.
Hopefully, see you in thePatreon too.
Okay, see you soon.
Bye.
Thanks so much for joining mefor another week of You're Not
Crazy.
If you like the podcast, pleasemake sure to rate us five stars
and leave a review.
(13:56):
It helps so much.
And make sure to check the shownotes for discounts and updates
of what's going on in my world.
Okay, I'll see you next week.
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