June 16, 2025 • 40 mins
Healing isn’t linear—especially when you’re the cycle breaker. In this episode of You’re Not Crazy, I’m pulling back the curtain on what real, sustainable healing looks like when you grew up with emotionally immature, narcissistic, or borderline parents.
I share how becoming a therapist over a decade ago didn’t free me from my dysfunctional patterns—it magnified them. I was the classic parentified child turned overwhelmed helper: running myself into the ground trying to "fix" everything and help everyone.
I talk about how I'm working on breaking toxic cycles right now and all the feelings and thoughts I have around my own healing journey.
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Jess Gleim
Marketing Strategist and Meta Ads Expert. Smart, data-backed strategy that actually makes you money: https://www.jessgleim.com/
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Torie Wiksell (00:14):
Welcome to You're Not Crazy, a podcast for the
adult children of parents withborderline and narcissistic
personality disorders.
I'm your host, tori Wixel, atherapist and coach with over a
decade of experience in themental health field.
Now let's jump in.
Hi guys, welcome back to thepodcast.
this week I am very excited thatmy normal voice is back for the
(00:40):
first time in many weeks.
So this, I am convinced, musthave been COVID, because I truly
have never been sick with arespiratory type situation for
almost four weeks in my life.
I think it actually ended upbeing like three or three and a
half, but that is wild.
(01:02):
That is a very long time andI'm very happy that I'm feeling
back to myself and healthy andeverything.
So thank you so much forbearing with me over these past
few weeks.
It has been quite a fever dream.
I feel like I'm coming out of adaze and thinking clearly
(01:25):
finally again.
So thanks again for bearingwith me there.
I know this past weekend wasFather's Day.
If you had a rough go of it, Ireally feel for you.
I know Father's Day andMother's Day can be so hard when
you have a complicated familysituation.
Whether you're in contact withyour dad, low contact, no
(01:50):
contact it can just be a reallyhard day for so many reasons.
So I am definitely sending youlots of hugs this week and I
hope that you're taking care ofyourself.
As I said, around Mother's Dayweekend.
These are not the times that weneed to focus on thriving in
(02:10):
our life.
I think just if I can sayanything to you, it's just be
kind to yourself this week andtake it easy this week and next
week you can get back, or lateron this week, when you're
feeling up to it, you can getback to thriving.
Today I wanted to talk aboutsomething.
I was looking at the podcastreviews on Apple Podcasts and I
(02:37):
found one that was just postedlast Wednesday and it wasn't
great.
It was a two-star review and Iwanted to talk about what the
complaints were in it, because Ithink that it's a good thing to
talk about on this podcast.
So, essentially, this personcommented mostly commercials.
(03:00):
I really found Tori's insightand guidance helpful, but her
podcast episodes are now mostlycommercials for her workshops
and memberships.
For example, her May 2025 lowcontact episode doesn't actually
start until 13 minutes in morethan half of the episode, so
it's not worth it anymore.
So that was the comment andobviously it's an Apple podcast
(03:26):
review.
I can't respond back.
I have no idea who left it, butI do want to talk about it
today, not because I'm hoping orexpecting that person will hear
at all, but because I think itopens the door for a
conversation for us to have hereon the podcast that I think
will be helpful for the peoplewho are still choosing to listen
(03:49):
and hopefully new people comingin as well.
So that comment made me feelreally sad.
Just full transparency, itreally did.
I know I am not a media person.
I did not go to school forbroadcasting.
I went to school to become atherapist, and the reason why I
(04:11):
decided to become a therapistmany moons ago was because I had
an amazing therapist who helpedme deal with a lot of trauma,
and that is actually how Istarted on my own cycle breaking
journey was by working with atherapist on trauma that at the
(04:33):
time I thought was completelyunrelated to my family, and I
don't even recall what level ofinsight I had into my own
complicated family dynamics.
I know definitely some, as Iremember as a young child,
thinking the situation is crazyor my mom is out of control.
(04:53):
But essentially I became atherapist because I had an
amazing therapist who reallysaved me in so many ways and I
found therapy to be soincredible and special and I
really wanted to pay it forward,and so that really began my
(05:15):
journey of being a therapist.
With that said, if you listen tothis podcast.
You know, I'm also someone whogrew up in a very dysfunctional
family situation and, as I'vetalked about so many times here,
I've experienced a lot of thesame struggles that many of you
listening have throughout mylife.
(05:35):
That's one of the primaryreasons why I talk about the
struggles I've experienced onhere.
It's because I want you to knowthat you're not crazy, you're
not alone and you're not a lostcause.
Trust me, I have gotten throughsome dark times in my life and
(05:59):
I truly believe that, if I coulddo it, that is a reflection of
my desire to be a healthy person, my desire to really heal and
to break the cycle and tounderstand how to do that and to
be willing to put in the time,energy and resources to work on
(06:24):
myself and to learn skills thatI never learned growing up, like
how to recognize what emotionsI was feeling and how to manage
those emotions and how to have ahealthy relationship and how to
resolve conflict.
Those weren't things I wasmodeled or taught growing up.
(06:45):
Those were things that I had toseek out support to learn as an
adult, and so me talking aboutsome of my own personal
experiences on here is reallyintended to help.
You see that if I can do it,you can do it too.
And if you relate to the thingsthat I'm talking about, things
(07:10):
can get better.
It is worth it to put in thework.
I know it is exhausting and Iknow it is really hard to find
people who understand thisunique family dynamic, but keep
going, because it is worth itand you deserve to get out of
that mess.
(07:31):
So I am really passionate aboutthe work that I do.
I am really really passionateabout being a therapist.
I never take it lightly, ever.
I really adore the clients thatI get to work with.
I also love coaching.
(07:52):
I get to work with amazinghumans through coaching and that
has been such a cool additionto my professional landscape, if
you will, throughout the pastcouple of years.
And before you think like thisis completely unrelated to that
(08:13):
comment, I want to assure you itis not, and I'm going to circle
back to it, but just bear withme.
You know I'm a storyteller, soI love being a therapist.
I love it so much.
I feel so lucky that I get todo what I love to do and I
couldn't pick a better careerfor myself.
(08:35):
I really love it.
Also, I had no idea when Idecided to become a therapist
when I was in grad school.
I had no idea until after Igraduated with my master's
degree what a toxic industry themental health field is.
(08:56):
The reality is that when you'rea therapist, you work for free
during your master's degree.
So I was a server when I wasgoing to school, supporting
myself, and I would serve nights, I would serve weekends and I
(09:16):
worked at an inpatient hospitalfor 20 hours a week for free, in
addition to going to schoolfull time.
I was completely supportingmyself between serving and
student loans, and I'm sure, asyou could imagine, I have a ton
of student loans.
And you might be askingyourself, tori, how could you
possibly have a ton of studentloans if you've been a therapist
(09:38):
for over 12 years now?
And that's a great questionthat I think we should really
talk about today, because peoplehave a lot of misconceptions
about the mental health field,and I think this is a good
conversation for us to have.
So when you graduate with yourmaster's degree after working
for free, it seems like, yes,I'm finally going to be able to
(10:02):
make money and work one job.
But that's not really how itworks, at least in California,
and states are different, but atleast in California, after you
graduate, you have to work undera licensed therapist for
several years, while you'regetting what's called
supervision, and you have to dothis for a very long time.
(10:26):
So, all that said, when you areworking when I was working for
five years post-grad schoolyou're working in really tough
jobs.
You're working for, like I said, an inpatient hospital.
You're working forgovernment-funded programs where
(10:47):
you're getting paid at theseplaces barely above minimum wage
like $1 to $2 an hour overminimum wage and you're working
really intense jobs.
There were years that I workedcrisis phones where I would work
my full-time job and then, onrotation, I would be on call for
(11:10):
24 hours and I was barelymaking above minimum wage and
only getting paid a tiny amountfor being on call.
I think there might have been astipend of one additional hour
or something for having thephone, but it just is very toxic
.
The way that we treat youngtherapists is really unhealthy
(11:33):
and it's not a good situationand it's not sustainable because
so many people in the mentalhealth field are like me and
they've experienced a lot oftrauma and they go into this
field because they want to helpother people and they want to
pay it forward.
And those are the people thatwe want in this field, because
they care and they're passionateand they know how much it can
(11:56):
help.
And a lot of the times, peoplelike us, those cycle breakers
that end up in the mental healthfield, like us, those cycle
breakers that end up in themental health field we don't
come from money, we don't comefrom means.
We have to overcome a lot ofadversity in order to go to grad
school in order to become atherapist.
It is really hard financiallyto do that.
(12:19):
It is a really big struggle and, in all honesty, even with how
much I love my job now, if I hada true understanding of the
financial struggle that I wouldface going into this field, I
honestly probably wouldn't have,because I didn't have the
fallback, I didn't have someonethat was financially supporting
(12:44):
me and helping me through this,and so I ended up with a ton of
student loans like a ton becausethat was the only way I could
get through and makingessentially minimum wage,
supporting myself and keeping aroof over my head.
Those aren't compatible withpaying down your student loans.
(13:06):
There's been so much of mycareer where I have gained tons
of experience in education andtraining, and I've barely been
able to support myself, andthat's crazy when we think about
it.
So I opened my private practicein 2018.
And again, I went into thisfield because I wanted to help
(13:32):
people, and so what I ended updoing what a lot of therapists
do, that I ended up doing is Iended up seeing a lot of clients
for rates that it cost me moreto run my practice than I was
charging those clients.
I've seen many clients for $5 asession because I believed I
(13:57):
could help them and I knew theywere motivated and I wanted to
help them, and I have a master'sdegree in therapy, not in
business.
It's not my strength.
I'm learning so much.
I have learned so much in theseven years since I opened my
(14:17):
private practice.
But that was not why I got intothis field, and what I didn't
realize was just like workingfor minimum wage in these really
stressful environments was asurefire way to burn out as a
therapist.
Me setting up my privatepractice in a way that wasn't
(14:39):
financially sustainable was alsoa surefire road to burnout, and
I can't help anyone if I'mstressed about my own financial
situation or if I'm not takingcare of myself, and that right
there is what I think is worthtalking about today, because
(15:02):
that right there is from mychildhood right.
Growing up, I was, yes, thescapegoat, but I was also the
fixer, and I was the person whowas the parentified child, who
was the one that took care of mysister and myself, who was the
one that tried to manage everysituation, who was hypervigilant
(15:24):
, who was constantly lookingaround, thinking what could go
wrong and how can I stop it fromgoing wrong.
That was me.
I overextended myselfconstantly in an effort to
survive, emotionally andotherwise, and what I found
myself doing as a therapist,while my intentions were so good
(15:49):
, just like they were when I wasgrowing up I was overextending
myself.
Once again, I was putting myselfin this position where I was
sacrificing my own needs inorder to help someone else, in
order to benefit someone else,and that is a problem for so
(16:13):
many reasons.
That is not my job.
It was never my job.
To what is the saying lightmyself on fire to keep other
people warm?
That was never my job, and it'snot something that I can do.
It's not realistic, it's notsustainable, it will burn out
(16:38):
quickly, and so I had to go backto the drawing board and figure
out what was sustainable,because, like I've said, I love
my job, I love doing what I do,and I'm probably going to be
working for a very long timewith all of the student loans
(16:58):
that I have.
But I also want to work for avery long time because I love
doing therapy, and it's so coolwhen I have former clients come
back and work with me afterseveral years, and therapy is
one of those things that, if youset it up in a way that is
sustainable, I can do when I'mold and gray and it can ebb and
(17:24):
flow with me as my life changes.
But in order to do that, I hadto be really honest about what I
needed to survive and to have abusiness that was sustainable.
And that's when I got reallyfirm on having to raise my rates
, because I needed to live alife that was not causing me
(17:48):
stress, and I needed to live alife that was not causing me
stress, and I needed to live aprofessional life where I wasn't
recreating cycles from mytraumatic childhood, and so
raising my rates is one thingthat was important that I did
for my one-to-one work, becausethere's only so many hours I can
(18:10):
work in a day and again.
I don't want to burn out but,like I said, I went into this
field because someone before mehelped me so much and really
gave me the skills and theconfidence that I needed to move
(18:32):
forward, despite people in mylife, despite family members,
telling me that I couldn't, thatI was a bad person.
This area, this niche that Iwork in, is so specific, it is
so unique and there are very fewpeople that I encounter that
(18:56):
have the same area of focus intheir practice, and it truly
broke my heart years ago, beforeI started my coaching business,
before I started this podcast,when people would find my
therapy website and they wouldreach out to me and say I really
want to work with you.
You get it.
You are the only person that Ifound that really focuses on
(19:20):
adults with parents who haveborderline or narcissistic
personality disorders, and I'dhave to say to them I am so
sorry, I am only licensed inthese states and I cannot help
you.
This is my suggestion movingforward, best of luck.
That used to kill me, becausethose emails were from people
(19:41):
that I actually did think Icould help and because the way
the therapy field is set up, itjust wasn't something that I was
able to do back then and sothat felt awful to me.
I didn't like that.
I am a helper.
Like I said, I haveoverextended myself to the
(20:05):
extreme throughout my lifebecause I so badly want to pay
it forward.
I am so grateful for thesupport and encouragement and
compassion that I have receivedfrom people who have been
integral to my own healingjourney, who have been integral
(20:26):
to my own healing journey, and Iso desperately want to pay that
forward to other people whoalso want to do the work and
they just need help figuring itout.
They just need guidance andsupport and validation and they
need to know that they're on theright track and they're not
crazy and that right there iswhat led to this second company
(20:52):
being born.
It was this desire to expand myability to help others in a way
similar to that with which I'vebeen helped throughout my life,
and to be able to do so in a waywhere I wasn't confined to only
helping people I was doingtherapy with, and only helping
(21:14):
people who could afford to payme a livable wage on a
one-to-one basis.
I value my one-to-one therapyand coaching clients so much and
to me it is so important that Ifind a way to expand what I do
(21:36):
so I'm able to help people,regardless if they can afford to
work with me one-on-one or not.
I really want to help people,and part of the podcast, part of
the Confident Boundariesmembership, part of the
workshops, part of the minicourse that I just introduced
(21:59):
all of that stuff I've come outof pocket to fund because I care
and because I'm passionateabout it and because you guys
have written in to me and saidthat you like the podcast and
that it changed things for youand you appreciate the workshop
(22:20):
and you love the membershipcommunity and that you feel so
grateful that there are placeswhere you finally feel like
people get it and you feel seen.
That's what I want to do.
That is what I'm so passionateabout.
But these things aren't free,just like in my therapy practice
(22:41):
.
I had to pay rent back when Ifirst started my therapy
practice that was before thetelehealth days and I had to pay
for my continuing education andmy licensing and all of that
stuff.
And now I pay to run thispodcast and I pay for the
platforms, for the membershipcommunity and the workshops.
(23:04):
I pay for all of that stuff andfor a long time I wasn't
breaking even.
Now I'm able to at least breakeven, but by no means am I
profiting handsomely off ofthese things.
I am trying to find a way to dothis that is sustainable.
(23:27):
I'm trying to find a way to dothis where I can put out the
weekly podcast for free, where Ican offer additional resources
to be able to not only make endsmeet but hopefully one day get
to a place where I can buy ahouse and pay down my student
(23:49):
loans and all of those thingsthat I think a lot of us aspire
to, just like normal life things.
Right, and by no means do Ithink I have solved that.
I'm definitely stumbling alongas I go and figuring it out as I
go, and I think that we'rebuilding something really
(24:13):
amazing here.
It's so cool to connect witheveryone who listens to this
podcast.
It's so cool to connect to thepeople that show up to the
workshop, that join themembership.
It is really cool to see thecommunity of people who
genuinely just want a happy andhealthy and peaceful life.
(24:37):
It's amazing to see that and toconnect with all of you.
This time around.
It is different than when Ioverextended myself with therapy
clients.
It's different, because I lookat everything that I've put into
the second company through thepodcast and the community and
(25:00):
the courses as something thathas taken a lot of upfront
investment of my time and energyand financial resources.
But by scaling this business Ican create these other offers
that are so much more accessible.
And if I am able to reach morepeople, then I can do so in a
(25:27):
way that does support myself,because in the membership I can
work with several people at onetime.
I can comment on tons of peoplein the memberships, posts and
comments.
I can have numerous people cometo the group coaching and work
with me in there and ask mequestions and get feedback and
(25:50):
connect, and these are thingsthat are just not possible for
me to do without me talkingabout them on Instagram, without
me talking about them on thepodcast, without me talking
about them in emails.
These are things that I'mreally passionate about and in
(26:11):
order for me to really create abusiness, I have to talk about
them so that people who wouldbenefit from them, people who
want my help, know where to findme, they know where they can
come and work with me, eitherone-on-one or with group
(26:32):
coaching and with the groupcoaching too I know the
Confident Boundaries membershiphas been wildly evolving since
it first opened in December, butthat is because I want to
really take in the feedback thatI'm getting as we grow and try
to make it the most supportiveand helpful place possible.
(26:55):
And so now there are twomembership options if you're
interested in joining over there.
Hopefully, if that person thatleft the comment is listening,
they're not getting mad at meright now, but I am going to say
you can join without groupcoaching or with group coaching
now.
So you can either get access tothe library with all of my
(27:19):
teachings and worksheets andvideos and all of that.
You can get access to the livemonthly workshops, bonus podcast
episodes and the community chatthat's like a Reddit-like chat.
You can join that or you canjoin and get all of that plus
group coaching.
The membership with the libraryand workshops and chat and all
(27:41):
of that is $49 a month.
With group coaching is $85 amonth.
That one has been a littletricky for me to put a price tag
on for a few reasons.
There is going to be a timewhen we get so many people in
those group coaching sessionsthat I have to pause allowing
(28:04):
new people into them becausethere's only so many people I
can talk to or help or supportin a single session.
And the cool thing about groupcoaching is a lot of the times
people come in to talk and askquestions and ask for feedback.
But a lot of the times peoplecome in to talk and ask
questions and ask for feedback,but a lot of the times they're
there to listen and learn fromother people too.
(28:24):
So group coaching does allow meto work with way more people
than I would be able tootherwise, and occasionally I'm
in those group coaching callsone-on-one with someone, which
is way cheaper than I charge towork one-on-one outside of the
membership.
So the reason that it's pricedright now at $85 a month is
(28:48):
because I want to make it moreaccessible than my one-on-one
work is.
And it should be moreaccessible because you're not
getting one-on-one support fromme unless you happen to be the
only person in one of thosegroup coaching calls.
Then you are and it's just abonus benefit.
I know that not everyone in thecommunity is going to show up to
(29:13):
every group coaching call.
There are people that show upto a lot of them, but we have
them twice a week.
There's typically around fourweeks in a month, so that's
eight coaching calls in a monththat are hour long coaching
calls and you get access to allof those.
If you break that down to asingle coaching session price,
(29:36):
that's about $10 a coachingsession, and then getting
everything else in there forfree.
I think that, right, there is abig way that I can offer more
of me to people.
But even if you join withoutgroup coaching, I'm in there and
I'm reading the comments andI'm replying, and I'm responding
(29:58):
and I'm getting feedback and Igenuinely care.
I want you to thrive, I wantyou to do well.
I want you to know that you'renot alone.
The Tori that you hear andlisten to on the podcast is the
same Tori that my therapyclients get.
It's the same Tori that mycoaching clients get.
It's the same Tori that showsup in the membership.
(30:20):
This is me, this is who I am,and I by no means am a perfect
person.
I by no means am doing thisperfectly.
And at the same time, I thinkit could be helpful to paint the
picture of what my thoughtprocess is and what I am trying
to do and why I am doing it.
(30:42):
I think, especially for thoseof you who have been listening
since the very beginning, youmight have questions too.
That's fine, that's fair.
The reality is I, at my core,am a helper and I want to help
(31:04):
is I, at my core, am a helperand I want to help?
And I've been trying to figureout how to grow and ebb and flow
, confident boundaries and thispodcast in a way that is
sustainable for me and in a waywhere I have the ability to help
more people without sacrificingmyself.
You know what's funny not likefunny, haha, but like funny.
(31:24):
Ironic is that if I had receivedfeedback like that from anyone
a few years ago, my firstinstinct would be to back down
on everything.
A few years ago, I would haveseen that and thought that
person is right.
I'm a horrible person.
(31:45):
I clearly am bad at this.
I'm doing this wrong.
People don't like me.
I shouldn't be talking aboutanything paid at all.
I should be doing more.
I should be doing better.
I would have beaten myself upand this time around I didn't.
(32:08):
I talked to my husband about it.
I felt sad.
I allowed myself to feel sad.
I cried.
I'm talking to you guys aboutit.
I'm sharing my thoughts aboutit.
This is healing.
This is what healing looks like.
It isn't all glamorous, likeyou get to the end and think, oh
, I never have any challengingfeelings ever again.
(32:29):
Trust me, I wish it was,because I would sign up like
tomorrow if that were the case.
But that's not what healing is.
Healing is understanding andhaving awareness around your own
patterns and behaviors and yourown history and why you do the
(32:49):
things you do and why you repeatcycles.
And healing is gaining skillsto fill in the gaps of things
that you were never taught andthings that you never knew.
And healing is messy and it'sugly at times, and as long as
you keep moving forward, you'restill healing.
(33:12):
And talking about it issomething that I wish more of us
would do more often, and it'shard when people don't
understand our journeys and theydon't understand our
experiences or where we've comefrom.
And that's another reason why Ilove the membership community
(33:32):
that we're building.
It's because everyone in theregets it and they genuinely want
the best for themselves and theywant the best for everyone else
, and they're kind andsupportive and encouraging and
thoughtful.
And so I know I'm not going tobe everyone's cup of tea and I
(33:53):
know that I can't devote apodcast episode to every
negative comment or feedbackthat I get.
This one, I think, especiallyhit home because it seemed like
that person really was enjoyingthe podcast and me talking about
things that I do, both paid andfree.
(34:16):
The workshop was free for avery long time, so both paid and
free offers outside of thepodcast seemed to really upset
them.
But it also brought up for me alot of stuff around my healing
journey and, as someone who haspaid significantly more to run
(34:36):
her practice than she was makingfrom her practice at times, I
would not suggest you listen tome for business advice.
I have friends who are muchbetter in the financial world if
that is something that you arelooking for advice in.
But I don't think I've everclaimed to be an expert
(34:59):
influencer.
If I have, I must have beendelusional or sleep deprived
from being a parent.
But what I do claim to know alot about is this one area and I
try to be very honest andstraightforward around who I am
and what my thoughts are, and Iknow I'm not doing it perfectly
(35:23):
and I am learning as we go and Ihope that after today's podcast
episode you feel like.
You've got a bit more insightinto who I am and the evolution
of this podcast and essentially,understanding that I'm still a
(35:47):
work in progress too, and I'mtrying to figure out how to be a
therapist and a cycle breakerin 2025 in a way that allows me
to help other people and to alsobe an emotionally and
physically healthy human who'sable to live her own life too.
(36:10):
So this is a rambly one.
If you made it through, thankyou so much for listening to me
and my thoughts, and thank youfor following the podcast.
We're coming up on a year andit's still growing, and none of
that would be possible withoutyou guys, and I am just so
(36:33):
grateful and happy that so manypeople have found the podcast
and so many people have feltbenefit from it and, at the end
of the day, this is somethingthat I love doing, and I hope
that you love listening to itand hopefully, we can continue
(36:54):
doing it for many more years tocome.
So, with that said, have agreat rest of your week, you
guys, and I'll see you next week.
Bye.
Thanks so much for joining mefor another episode of You're
Not Crazy.
If you like the podcast, pleaseleave a review and rate us five
(37:16):
stars.
It helps so much and make sureto check the show notes for
links to bonus podcast episodesand other ways I can help.
See you soon.
Welcome to You're Not Crazy, a podcast for the
adult children of parents withborderline and narcissistic
personality disorders.
I'm your host, tori Wixel, atherapist and coach with over a
decade of experience in themental health field.
Now let's jump in.
Hi guys, welcome back to thepodcast.
this week I am very excited thatmy normal voice is back for the
(00:40):
first time in many weeks.
So this, I am convinced, musthave been COVID, because I truly
have never been sick with arespiratory type situation for
almost four weeks in my life.
I think it actually ended upbeing like three or three and a
half, but that is wild.
(01:02):
That is a very long time andI'm very happy that I'm feeling
back to myself and healthy andeverything.
So thank you so much forbearing with me over these past
few weeks.
It has been quite a fever dream.
I feel like I'm coming out of adaze and thinking clearly
(01:25):
finally again.
So thanks again for bearingwith me there.
I know this past weekend wasFather's Day.
If you had a rough go of it, Ireally feel for you.
I know Father's Day andMother's Day can be so hard when
you have a complicated familysituation.
Whether you're in contact withyour dad, low contact, no
(01:50):
contact it can just be a reallyhard day for so many reasons.
So I am definitely sending youlots of hugs this week and I
hope that you're taking care ofyourself.
As I said, around Mother's Dayweekend.
These are not the times that weneed to focus on thriving in
(02:10):
our life.
I think just if I can sayanything to you, it's just be
kind to yourself this week andtake it easy this week and next
week you can get back, or lateron this week, when you're
feeling up to it, you can getback to thriving.
Today I wanted to talk aboutsomething.
I was looking at the podcastreviews on Apple Podcasts and I
(02:37):
found one that was just postedlast Wednesday and it wasn't
great.
It was a two-star review and Iwanted to talk about what the
complaints were in it, because Ithink that it's a good thing to
talk about on this podcast.
So, essentially, this personcommented mostly commercials.
(03:00):
I really found Tori's insightand guidance helpful, but her
podcast episodes are now mostlycommercials for her workshops
and memberships.
For example, her May 2025 lowcontact episode doesn't actually
start until 13 minutes in morethan half of the episode, so
it's not worth it anymore.
So that was the comment andobviously it's an Apple podcast
(03:26):
review.
I can't respond back.
I have no idea who left it, butI do want to talk about it
today, not because I'm hoping orexpecting that person will hear
at all, but because I think itopens the door for a
conversation for us to have hereon the podcast that I think
will be helpful for the peoplewho are still choosing to listen
(03:49):
and hopefully new people comingin as well.
So that comment made me feelreally sad.
Just full transparency, itreally did.
I know I am not a media person.
I did not go to school forbroadcasting.
I went to school to become atherapist, and the reason why I
(04:11):
decided to become a therapistmany moons ago was because I had
an amazing therapist who helpedme deal with a lot of trauma,
and that is actually how Istarted on my own cycle breaking
journey was by working with atherapist on trauma that at the
(04:33):
time I thought was completelyunrelated to my family, and I
don't even recall what level ofinsight I had into my own
complicated family dynamics.
I know definitely some, as Iremember as a young child,
thinking the situation is crazyor my mom is out of control.
(04:53):
But essentially I became atherapist because I had an
amazing therapist who reallysaved me in so many ways and I
found therapy to be soincredible and special and I
really wanted to pay it forward,and so that really began my
(05:15):
journey of being a therapist.
With that said, if you listen tothis podcast.
You know, I'm also someone whogrew up in a very dysfunctional
family situation and, as I'vetalked about so many times here,
I've experienced a lot of thesame struggles that many of you
listening have throughout mylife.
(05:35):
That's one of the primaryreasons why I talk about the
struggles I've experienced onhere.
It's because I want you to knowthat you're not crazy, you're
not alone and you're not a lostcause.
Trust me, I have gotten throughsome dark times in my life and
(05:59):
I truly believe that, if I coulddo it, that is a reflection of
my desire to be a healthy person, my desire to really heal and
to break the cycle and tounderstand how to do that and to
be willing to put in the time,energy and resources to work on
(06:24):
myself and to learn skills thatI never learned growing up, like
how to recognize what emotionsI was feeling and how to manage
those emotions and how to have ahealthy relationship and how to
resolve conflict.
Those weren't things I wasmodeled or taught growing up.
(06:45):
Those were things that I had toseek out support to learn as an
adult, and so me talking aboutsome of my own personal
experiences on here is reallyintended to help.
You see that if I can do it,you can do it too.
And if you relate to the thingsthat I'm talking about, things
(07:10):
can get better.
It is worth it to put in thework.
I know it is exhausting and Iknow it is really hard to find
people who understand thisunique family dynamic, but keep
going, because it is worth itand you deserve to get out of
that mess.
(07:31):
So I am really passionate aboutthe work that I do.
I am really really passionateabout being a therapist.
I never take it lightly, ever.
I really adore the clients thatI get to work with.
I also love coaching.
(07:52):
I get to work with amazinghumans through coaching and that
has been such a cool additionto my professional landscape, if
you will, throughout the pastcouple of years.
And before you think like thisis completely unrelated to that
(08:13):
comment, I want to assure you itis not, and I'm going to circle
back to it, but just bear withme.
You know I'm a storyteller, soI love being a therapist.
I love it so much.
I feel so lucky that I get todo what I love to do and I
couldn't pick a better careerfor myself.
(08:35):
I really love it.
Also, I had no idea when Idecided to become a therapist
when I was in grad school.
I had no idea until after Igraduated with my master's
degree what a toxic industry themental health field is.
(08:56):
The reality is that when you'rea therapist, you work for free
during your master's degree.
So I was a server when I wasgoing to school, supporting
myself, and I would serve nights, I would serve weekends and I
(09:16):
worked at an inpatient hospitalfor 20 hours a week for free, in
addition to going to schoolfull time.
I was completely supportingmyself between serving and
student loans, and I'm sure, asyou could imagine, I have a ton
of student loans.
And you might be askingyourself, tori, how could you
possibly have a ton of studentloans if you've been a therapist
(09:38):
for over 12 years now?
And that's a great questionthat I think we should really
talk about today, because peoplehave a lot of misconceptions
about the mental health field,and I think this is a good
conversation for us to have.
So when you graduate with yourmaster's degree after working
for free, it seems like, yes,I'm finally going to be able to
(10:02):
make money and work one job.
But that's not really how itworks, at least in California,
and states are different, but atleast in California, after you
graduate, you have to work undera licensed therapist for
several years, while you'regetting what's called
supervision, and you have to dothis for a very long time.
(10:26):
So, all that said, when you areworking when I was working for
five years post-grad schoolyou're working in really tough
jobs.
You're working for, like I said, an inpatient hospital.
You're working forgovernment-funded programs where
(10:47):
you're getting paid at theseplaces barely above minimum wage
like $1 to $2 an hour overminimum wage and you're working
really intense jobs.
There were years that I workedcrisis phones where I would work
my full-time job and then, onrotation, I would be on call for
(11:10):
24 hours and I was barelymaking above minimum wage and
only getting paid a tiny amountfor being on call.
I think there might have been astipend of one additional hour
or something for having thephone, but it just is very toxic
.
The way that we treat youngtherapists is really unhealthy
(11:33):
and it's not a good situationand it's not sustainable because
so many people in the mentalhealth field are like me and
they've experienced a lot oftrauma and they go into this
field because they want to helpother people and they want to
pay it forward.
And those are the people thatwe want in this field, because
they care and they're passionateand they know how much it can
(11:56):
help.
And a lot of the times, peoplelike us, those cycle breakers
that end up in the mental healthfield, like us, those cycle
breakers that end up in themental health field we don't
come from money, we don't comefrom means.
We have to overcome a lot ofadversity in order to go to grad
school in order to become atherapist.
It is really hard financiallyto do that.
(12:19):
It is a really big struggle and, in all honesty, even with how
much I love my job now, if I hada true understanding of the
financial struggle that I wouldface going into this field, I
honestly probably wouldn't have,because I didn't have the
fallback, I didn't have someonethat was financially supporting
(12:44):
me and helping me through this,and so I ended up with a ton of
student loans like a ton becausethat was the only way I could
get through and makingessentially minimum wage,
supporting myself and keeping aroof over my head.
Those aren't compatible withpaying down your student loans.
(13:06):
There's been so much of mycareer where I have gained tons
of experience in education andtraining, and I've barely been
able to support myself, andthat's crazy when we think about
it.
So I opened my private practicein 2018.
And again, I went into thisfield because I wanted to help
(13:32):
people, and so what I ended updoing what a lot of therapists
do, that I ended up doing is Iended up seeing a lot of clients
for rates that it cost me moreto run my practice than I was
charging those clients.
I've seen many clients for $5 asession because I believed I
(13:57):
could help them and I knew theywere motivated and I wanted to
help them, and I have a master'sdegree in therapy, not in
business.
It's not my strength.
I'm learning so much.
I have learned so much in theseven years since I opened my
(14:17):
private practice.
But that was not why I got intothis field, and what I didn't
realize was just like workingfor minimum wage in these really
stressful environments was asurefire way to burn out as a
therapist.
Me setting up my privatepractice in a way that wasn't
(14:39):
financially sustainable was alsoa surefire road to burnout, and
I can't help anyone if I'mstressed about my own financial
situation or if I'm not takingcare of myself, and that right
there is what I think is worthtalking about today, because
(15:02):
that right there is from mychildhood right.
Growing up, I was, yes, thescapegoat, but I was also the
fixer, and I was the person whowas the parentified child, who
was the one that took care of mysister and myself, who was the
one that tried to manage everysituation, who was hypervigilant
(15:24):
, who was constantly lookingaround, thinking what could go
wrong and how can I stop it fromgoing wrong.
That was me.
I overextended myselfconstantly in an effort to
survive, emotionally andotherwise, and what I found
myself doing as a therapist,while my intentions were so good
(15:49):
, just like they were when I wasgrowing up I was overextending
myself.
Once again, I was putting myselfin this position where I was
sacrificing my own needs inorder to help someone else, in
order to benefit someone else,and that is a problem for so
(16:13):
many reasons.
That is not my job.
It was never my job.
To what is the saying lightmyself on fire to keep other
people warm?
That was never my job, and it'snot something that I can do.
It's not realistic, it's notsustainable, it will burn out
(16:38):
quickly, and so I had to go backto the drawing board and figure
out what was sustainable,because, like I've said, I love
my job, I love doing what I do,and I'm probably going to be
working for a very long timewith all of the student loans
(16:58):
that I have.
But I also want to work for avery long time because I love
doing therapy, and it's so coolwhen I have former clients come
back and work with me afterseveral years, and therapy is
one of those things that, if youset it up in a way that is
sustainable, I can do when I'mold and gray and it can ebb and
(17:24):
flow with me as my life changes.
But in order to do that, I hadto be really honest about what I
needed to survive and to have abusiness that was sustainable.
And that's when I got reallyfirm on having to raise my rates
, because I needed to live alife that was not causing me
(17:48):
stress, and I needed to live alife that was not causing me
stress, and I needed to live aprofessional life where I wasn't
recreating cycles from mytraumatic childhood, and so
raising my rates is one thingthat was important that I did
for my one-to-one work, becausethere's only so many hours I can
(18:10):
work in a day and again.
I don't want to burn out but,like I said, I went into this
field because someone before mehelped me so much and really
gave me the skills and theconfidence that I needed to move
(18:32):
forward, despite people in mylife, despite family members,
telling me that I couldn't, thatI was a bad person.
This area, this niche that Iwork in, is so specific, it is
so unique and there are very fewpeople that I encounter that
(18:56):
have the same area of focus intheir practice, and it truly
broke my heart years ago, beforeI started my coaching business,
before I started this podcast,when people would find my
therapy website and they wouldreach out to me and say I really
want to work with you.
You get it.
You are the only person that Ifound that really focuses on
(19:20):
adults with parents who haveborderline or narcissistic
personality disorders, and I'dhave to say to them I am so
sorry, I am only licensed inthese states and I cannot help
you.
This is my suggestion movingforward, best of luck.
That used to kill me, becausethose emails were from people
(19:41):
that I actually did think Icould help and because the way
the therapy field is set up, itjust wasn't something that I was
able to do back then and sothat felt awful to me.
I didn't like that.
I am a helper.
Like I said, I haveoverextended myself to the
(20:05):
extreme throughout my lifebecause I so badly want to pay
it forward.
I am so grateful for thesupport and encouragement and
compassion that I have receivedfrom people who have been
integral to my own healingjourney, who have been integral
(20:26):
to my own healing journey, and Iso desperately want to pay that
forward to other people whoalso want to do the work and
they just need help figuring itout.
They just need guidance andsupport and validation and they
need to know that they're on theright track and they're not
crazy and that right there iswhat led to this second company
(20:52):
being born.
It was this desire to expand myability to help others in a way
similar to that with which I'vebeen helped throughout my life,
and to be able to do so in a waywhere I wasn't confined to only
helping people I was doingtherapy with, and only helping
(21:14):
people who could afford to payme a livable wage on a
one-to-one basis.
I value my one-to-one therapyand coaching clients so much and
to me it is so important that Ifind a way to expand what I do
(21:36):
so I'm able to help people,regardless if they can afford to
work with me one-on-one or not.
I really want to help people,and part of the podcast, part of
the Confident Boundariesmembership, part of the
workshops, part of the minicourse that I just introduced
(21:59):
all of that stuff I've come outof pocket to fund because I care
and because I'm passionateabout it and because you guys
have written in to me and saidthat you like the podcast and
that it changed things for youand you appreciate the workshop
(22:20):
and you love the membershipcommunity and that you feel so
grateful that there are placeswhere you finally feel like
people get it and you feel seen.
That's what I want to do.
That is what I'm so passionateabout.
But these things aren't free,just like in my therapy practice
(22:41):
.
I had to pay rent back when Ifirst started my therapy
practice that was before thetelehealth days and I had to pay
for my continuing education andmy licensing and all of that
stuff.
And now I pay to run thispodcast and I pay for the
platforms, for the membershipcommunity and the workshops.
(23:04):
I pay for all of that stuff andfor a long time I wasn't
breaking even.
Now I'm able to at least breakeven, but by no means am I
profiting handsomely off ofthese things.
I am trying to find a way to dothis that is sustainable.
(23:27):
I'm trying to find a way to dothis where I can put out the
weekly podcast for free, where Ican offer additional resources
to be able to not only make endsmeet but hopefully one day get
to a place where I can buy ahouse and pay down my student
(23:49):
loans and all of those thingsthat I think a lot of us aspire
to, just like normal life things.
Right, and by no means do Ithink I have solved that.
I'm definitely stumbling alongas I go and figuring it out as I
go, and I think that we'rebuilding something really
(24:13):
amazing here.
It's so cool to connect witheveryone who listens to this
podcast.
It's so cool to connect to thepeople that show up to the
workshop, that join themembership.
It is really cool to see thecommunity of people who
genuinely just want a happy andhealthy and peaceful life.
(24:37):
It's amazing to see that and toconnect with all of you.
This time around.
It is different than when Ioverextended myself with therapy
clients.
It's different, because I lookat everything that I've put into
the second company through thepodcast and the community and
(25:00):
the courses as something thathas taken a lot of upfront
investment of my time and energyand financial resources.
But by scaling this business Ican create these other offers
that are so much more accessible.
And if I am able to reach morepeople, then I can do so in a
(25:27):
way that does support myself,because in the membership I can
work with several people at onetime.
I can comment on tons of peoplein the memberships, posts and
comments.
I can have numerous people cometo the group coaching and work
with me in there and ask mequestions and get feedback and
(25:50):
connect, and these are thingsthat are just not possible for
me to do without me talkingabout them on Instagram, without
me talking about them on thepodcast, without me talking
about them in emails.
These are things that I'mreally passionate about and in
(26:11):
order for me to really create abusiness, I have to talk about
them so that people who wouldbenefit from them, people who
want my help, know where to findme, they know where they can
come and work with me, eitherone-on-one or with group
(26:32):
coaching and with the groupcoaching too I know the
Confident Boundaries membershiphas been wildly evolving since
it first opened in December, butthat is because I want to
really take in the feedback thatI'm getting as we grow and try
to make it the most supportiveand helpful place possible.
(26:55):
And so now there are twomembership options if you're
interested in joining over there.
Hopefully, if that person thatleft the comment is listening,
they're not getting mad at meright now, but I am going to say
you can join without groupcoaching or with group coaching
now.
So you can either get access tothe library with all of my
(27:19):
teachings and worksheets andvideos and all of that.
You can get access to the livemonthly workshops, bonus podcast
episodes and the community chatthat's like a Reddit-like chat.
You can join that or you canjoin and get all of that plus
group coaching.
The membership with the libraryand workshops and chat and all
(27:41):
of that is $49 a month.
With group coaching is $85 amonth.
That one has been a littletricky for me to put a price tag
on for a few reasons.
There is going to be a timewhen we get so many people in
those group coaching sessionsthat I have to pause allowing
(28:04):
new people into them becausethere's only so many people I
can talk to or help or supportin a single session.
And the cool thing about groupcoaching is a lot of the times
people come in to talk and askquestions and ask for feedback.
But a lot of the times peoplecome in to talk and ask
questions and ask for feedback,but a lot of the times they're
there to listen and learn fromother people too.
(28:24):
So group coaching does allow meto work with way more people
than I would be able tootherwise, and occasionally I'm
in those group coaching callsone-on-one with someone, which
is way cheaper than I charge towork one-on-one outside of the
membership.
So the reason that it's pricedright now at $85 a month is
(28:48):
because I want to make it moreaccessible than my one-on-one
work is.
And it should be moreaccessible because you're not
getting one-on-one support fromme unless you happen to be the
only person in one of thosegroup coaching calls.
Then you are and it's just abonus benefit.
I know that not everyone in thecommunity is going to show up to
(29:13):
every group coaching call.
There are people that show upto a lot of them, but we have
them twice a week.
There's typically around fourweeks in a month, so that's
eight coaching calls in a monththat are hour long coaching
calls and you get access to allof those.
If you break that down to asingle coaching session price,
(29:36):
that's about $10 a coachingsession, and then getting
everything else in there forfree.
I think that, right, there is abig way that I can offer more
of me to people.
But even if you join withoutgroup coaching, I'm in there and
I'm reading the comments andI'm replying, and I'm responding
(29:58):
and I'm getting feedback and Igenuinely care.
I want you to thrive, I wantyou to do well.
I want you to know that you'renot alone.
The Tori that you hear andlisten to on the podcast is the
same Tori that my therapyclients get.
It's the same Tori that mycoaching clients get.
It's the same Tori that showsup in the membership.
(30:20):
This is me, this is who I am,and I by no means am a perfect
person.
I by no means am doing thisperfectly.
And at the same time, I thinkit could be helpful to paint the
picture of what my thoughtprocess is and what I am trying
to do and why I am doing it.
(30:42):
I think, especially for thoseof you who have been listening
since the very beginning, youmight have questions too.
That's fine, that's fair.
The reality is I, at my core,am a helper and I want to help
(31:04):
is I, at my core, am a helperand I want to help?
And I've been trying to figureout how to grow and ebb and flow
, confident boundaries and thispodcast in a way that is
sustainable for me and in a waywhere I have the ability to help
more people without sacrificingmyself.
You know what's funny not likefunny, haha, but like funny.
(31:24):
Ironic is that if I had receivedfeedback like that from anyone
a few years ago, my firstinstinct would be to back down
on everything.
A few years ago, I would haveseen that and thought that
person is right.
I'm a horrible person.
(31:45):
I clearly am bad at this.
I'm doing this wrong.
People don't like me.
I shouldn't be talking aboutanything paid at all.
I should be doing more.
I should be doing better.
I would have beaten myself upand this time around I didn't.
(32:08):
I talked to my husband about it.
I felt sad.
I allowed myself to feel sad.
I cried.
I'm talking to you guys aboutit.
I'm sharing my thoughts aboutit.
This is healing.
This is what healing looks like.
It isn't all glamorous, likeyou get to the end and think, oh
, I never have any challengingfeelings ever again.
(32:29):
Trust me, I wish it was,because I would sign up like
tomorrow if that were the case.
But that's not what healing is.
Healing is understanding andhaving awareness around your own
patterns and behaviors and yourown history and why you do the
(32:49):
things you do and why you repeatcycles.
And healing is gaining skillsto fill in the gaps of things
that you were never taught andthings that you never knew.
And healing is messy and it'sugly at times, and as long as
you keep moving forward, you'restill healing.
(33:12):
And talking about it issomething that I wish more of us
would do more often, and it'shard when people don't
understand our journeys and theydon't understand our
experiences or where we've comefrom.
And that's another reason why Ilove the membership community
(33:32):
that we're building.
It's because everyone in theregets it and they genuinely want
the best for themselves and theywant the best for everyone else
, and they're kind andsupportive and encouraging and
thoughtful.
And so I know I'm not going tobe everyone's cup of tea and I
(33:53):
know that I can't devote apodcast episode to every
negative comment or feedbackthat I get.
This one, I think, especiallyhit home because it seemed like
that person really was enjoyingthe podcast and me talking about
things that I do, both paid andfree.
(34:16):
The workshop was free for avery long time, so both paid and
free offers outside of thepodcast seemed to really upset
them.
But it also brought up for me alot of stuff around my healing
journey and, as someone who haspaid significantly more to run
(34:36):
her practice than she was makingfrom her practice at times, I
would not suggest you listen tome for business advice.
I have friends who are muchbetter in the financial world if
that is something that you arelooking for advice in.
But I don't think I've everclaimed to be an expert
(34:59):
influencer.
If I have, I must have beendelusional or sleep deprived
from being a parent.
But what I do claim to know alot about is this one area and I
try to be very honest andstraightforward around who I am
and what my thoughts are, and Iknow I'm not doing it perfectly
(35:23):
and I am learning as we go and Ihope that after today's podcast
episode you feel like.
You've got a bit more insightinto who I am and the evolution
of this podcast and essentially,understanding that I'm still a
(35:47):
work in progress too, and I'mtrying to figure out how to be a
therapist and a cycle breakerin 2025 in a way that allows me
to help other people and to alsobe an emotionally and
physically healthy human who'sable to live her own life too.
(36:10):
So this is a rambly one.
If you made it through, thankyou so much for listening to me
and my thoughts, and thank youfor following the podcast.
We're coming up on a year andit's still growing, and none of
that would be possible withoutyou guys, and I am just so
(36:33):
grateful and happy that so manypeople have found the podcast
and so many people have feltbenefit from it and, at the end
of the day, this is somethingthat I love doing, and I hope
that you love listening to itand hopefully, we can continue
(36:54):
doing it for many more years tocome.
So, with that said, have agreat rest of your week, you
guys, and I'll see you next week.
Bye.
Thanks so much for joining mefor another episode of You're
Not Crazy.
If you like the podcast, pleaseleave a review and rate us five
(37:16):
stars.
It helps so much and make sureto check the show notes for
links to bonus podcast episodesand other ways I can help.
See you soon.
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