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May 12, 2025 19 mins

Surviving (not thriving) Mother's Day weekend is what we're celebrating this week. Breaking cycles isn’t about perfection—it’s about progress. Your commitment to healing, despite few healthy examples, is powerful. Be gentle with yourself; your journey of growth deserves compassion, not criticism.

Next we’re calling out the toxic phrases that gaslight, invalidate, and harm adult children of parents with BPD or NPD. You've probably heard, "But they're your parents, you should forgive them," or "When they die, you'll miss them." Unsurprisingly, I share how much I hate these comments and try to give you a chuckle along the way.

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Episode Transcript

Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Torie Wiksell (00:14):
Welcome to You're Not Crazy, a podcast for the
adult children of parents withborderline and narcissistic
personality disorders.
I'm your host, tori Wixel, atherapist and coach with over a
decade of experience in themental health field.
Now let's jump in.
Happy Tuesday.
Welcome back to the podcast.

(00:34):
I am so thrilled that you arejoining me for another week of
You're Not Crazy.
I want to start off byapologizing.
If you can hear a screamingtoddler in the background, that
would be my daughter.
She is having some big feelingsand while it might sound
terrifying in the background,she is actually quite happy and

(00:55):
playing.
So if you could hear it, thatis a situation that is very much
under control.
However, I am trying to getthis podcast out on time on
Tuesday.
Therefore, we are recordinganyways.
For all of the momlisters outthere, I want to wish you a
happy Mother's Day.

(01:15):
For everyone listening who hasa complicated relationship with
your own mom, I want to say thatI hope you survived this
weekend and that is enough.
There is not a pressure to havethrived this weekend.
I don't know that any of usthrive during Mother's Day

(01:37):
weekend when we have acomplicated mom relationship,
but I think the best we can dois lower our expectations of
ourselves when there are, likeholidays and events that are
just especially triggering orupsetting or challenging to be
around.
So, however you got throughthis weekend, today is a fresh

(01:57):
day, this is a new week, it isbehind us us.
We can take a deep breath andmove forward in a direction that
is more helpful and feels a lotbetter to us.
So I am glad that you are hereand you are with me today.
And let's jump into things.

(02:19):
First, I am thrilled to let youknow that I finished updating
the boundaries workshop calledsetting boundaries with a parent
you suspect has borderline ornarcissistic personality
disorder.
It is now available for you towatch it and I do think that it

(02:40):
is the best version of thisworkshop that I have done.
So I'm really, really excitedfor you to check it out.
You can sign up over atconfidentboundariescom slash
workshop and you can get goingon it today.
It is there, it is ready, it iswaiting for you, so definitely
go check that out.
Also, quick reminder theConfident Boundaries membership.

(03:04):
Remember that is the new namefor what used to be referred to
as the Confident Boundariesonline community, the Confident
Boundaries membership.
The prices go up there in aweek from today, and so if you
are listening on Tuesday, theday this podcast comes out, in
one week, the price goes up.
It will go from $69 a monthright now to $85 a month, or, if

(03:32):
you're on the quarterlysubscription every three months,
it's going to go from $189every three months to $225 every
three months.
The reason for that is that weare doing a lot more in there
than we were originally doing.
We have two group coachingcalls every week.
We have an app that is beingbuilt for our community.

(03:56):
We have a lot going on in there, and so, in order for me to
give my time and attention andenergy and to cover the costs of
running the entire membership,we have to increase the prices a
little bit.
If you sign up in the next week, you can still lock in that $69
a month or the $189 a quarterfor the lifetime of your

(04:20):
membership.
So everyone who's in thereright now, their prices are not
going up.
It will only be for new members.
So, if you have been on thefence, now is the time.
I'm going to put the discountlinks in the show notes for this
episode and I'm going to takethem out when the week is over
and when they're no longer valid.
So, if you are interested, theonly place you're going to find

(04:44):
the link is in the show notesfor this episode.
If you can't find that, dm meon Instagram, tori at AT.
Tori at Confident Boundaries,or email me, tori T-O-R-I-E at
ConfidentBoundariescom and Iwill send you the link.
I'm not trying to hide it oranything, but I went through, as

(05:07):
I was talking about before,this major rebranding that two
of my very good friends helpedme with and that was a whirlwind
, and a part of that is updatingthe website, and to update the
website, I had to go in with theupdated version of pricing and
everything for my own sanity.
So the only place you're goingto find that discounted link is

(05:31):
in the show notes here or if youreach out to me.
So if you are thinking about it, if you are on the fence, reach
out to me, I will give it toyou and you can lock in that
lower price.
Okay, today, coming off ofMother's Day weekend, I want to
talk about toxic things thatpeople often say to people like
us, cycle breakers who havereally complicated,

(05:53):
dysfunctional relationships withour parents and our families,
and I wanted to do this episodebecause A I want you to know
that these things are supertoxic.
These aren't just like littlethings and these are really
common things that a lot of ushear that actually do a lot of
damage, and so I want tovalidate for you.

(06:14):
If it feels bad to be on thereceiving end of these comments,
then that makes a ton of sense,because they're not very
supportive things to say andsome of them are very toxic
positivity type things.
Some of them are justcompletely misunderstanding or
lacking awareness ofdysfunctional dynamics and

(06:36):
family dynamics.
They're all over the place.
So let's go through a few ofthese and I'm going to share my
thoughts on them.
My favorite one is but they'reyour parents.
You should forgive them.
They're your mom, they're yourdad.
One that people love to say iswhen they die, you're going to

(06:57):
miss them.
It's just a crazy thing to sayto someone.
It really is.
It's such a bizarre thing tosay to someone One.
That's not true necessarily.
Obviously.
You guys have heard me talkabout my personal story.
I'm sure that there's a bookout there that was recently
released in the past few yearsby Jeanette McCurdy called I'm

(07:19):
Glad my Mom Died.
It's just not true necessarily.
B people understand that thisperson is their parent.
That is not lost on them.
You understand.
This is your parent.
I understand it's my parent.
We also understand that peoplelive and they die and all of
these things.

(07:39):
This isn't some light bulb idea.
It is just so messed up to sayto someone because it is so
guilt trippy, right, it is soguilt trippy and so toxic, yet
people really love to throw thatone around the next one.
Everyone has issues.
You can't let this ruin yourday.

(08:01):
You can't let this little thingmake you miserable or control
your life.
This is one that is a favoritewith enabling parents.
So if you have an enablingparent I'm sure you have heard
something along these lines youjust have to let it go, let it
roll off your back.
You just can't take itseriously All of these things.

(08:23):
Another one super toxic.
They've had a hard life.
They've done the best theycould.
Chances are your parent has hada hard life.
Trauma is what is the childhood.
Trauma is the cause ofpersonality disorder,
development, and I don'tremember if it.
I think it was a bonus episodethat I went into my thoughts on

(08:46):
all of that.
So if you're interested, youcould check out that bonus
episode.
But it doesn't matter if someoneis quote unquote doing the best
they can.
What matters is, as a parent,you have a responsibility to not
be abusive to your child and ifyou don't know how to do that,
it is your responsibility toseek out support and information

(09:10):
to learn.
I had a hard childhood.
It would not be excusable forme to abuse my daughter because
of that or mistreat her or makeher feel less than.
That's not acceptable.
And when I have a decision or abehavior as a parent that is

(09:32):
not in the best interest of mychild, that I'm ashamed over,
that I feel guilty about, it isnot enough to say that I love my
child and move forward.
I have to understand and figureout why I acted in that way,
why I behaved in that way, andthen I have to go seek

(09:54):
information so that I don'tcontinue a toxic pattern and in
a developmentally appropriateway.
I need to apologize andacknowledge that wasn't the
right thing to do and that I'msorry and that it does matter
that I am taking responsibilityand figuring it out.
All of these are so important.

(10:14):
It's not okay to just saysomeone has done the best that
they could and absolve them ofall of their toxic behaviors.
Maybe you're just being toosensitive.
That's the next one we're goingto talk about Maybe you're just
dramatic, you're so dramatic,or You're so dramatic or you're
so sensitive.

(10:35):
People love saying that oneafter they poke the bear, right,
they poke at you, they poke atyou, they poke at you, and then
eventually you lose it.
And then they point and say see, you're just so sensitive and
it's this thing where, no, it'sa slow burn, I don't react, I

(10:55):
don't react, I don't react, andthen eventually I do.
That is the toxicity there.
Right, the onus of theresponsibility gets put on the
person who's being victimized,instead of responsibility being
put on the person who's beingvictimized, instead of
responsibility being put on theperson who is doing the poking.

(11:16):
You should be grateful.
Not everyone has parents.
Well, that is true that noteveryone has parents that are
involved in their lives for avariety of reasons.
That doesn't make your parent'ssituation any better or worse
than it is.
That's irrelevant.
It's like when people say toget a kid to eat well, there's
starving kids in China.

(11:37):
Okay, not super relevant to thepeas on my plate right now, but
thank you.
Okay, another favorite of mine,and I hope you can sense the
sarcasm in my voice for all ofthese, trying to just keep it a
little more lighthearted today.
I know Mother's Day weekend isquite a heavy one, so we're just

(11:58):
going to keep it a littlelighter today.
Next one that people love to saythey love you.
They just don't know how toshow it.
What the fuck does that mean?
Are you kidding me?
That's a crazy thing to say tosomeone they love you but they
just don't know how to show it.
That feels like quite a stretch, all right.

(12:20):
Next, I'm sure they didn't meanit that way, are you?
Are you sure that they didn'tmean it that way?
Because that feels like quitethe assumption.
So what I want to say about allof these really toxic things is
that there are so many reasonswhy it is so hard to be the

(12:42):
cycle breaker in your family.
One you're constantly gaslit.
You're told that you're wrong,that you're crazy.
There's a normalization ofreally dysfunctional and abusive
and toxic dynamics.
You are constantly being toldthat you're the problem and you
should be responsible for fixingthis problem, which you're also

(13:06):
told at the same time that theproblem you've identified isn't
really the problem.
You're the problem.
It's not the dynamic, it's notthe family, it's not your parent
, it's you.
It is so hard to be a cyclebreaker because you have to
overcome so many hurdles just tounderstand what is happening

(13:29):
within your family.
I was recently talking with Ithink it was during one of our
recent group coaching sessions.
This topic came up of howabusive dynamics are so similar
whether you have a dysfunctionalfamily dynamic or whether

(13:50):
you're in a cult.
Like honestly, being a cyclebreaker in so many ways is like
trying to leave a cult.
You're constantly told thatthings are different than they
are.
You're really encouraged tokeep secrets from people outside

(14:11):
of your family, to show otherpeople outside of your family
that your family is a certainway, that they aren't really on
the inside.
And if you dare to branch outand put some distance and do
things differently, then youreally get shamed and blamed and

(14:32):
isolated.
You really get targeted.
You really are the black sheepof that situation.
It is so challenging becausethere's so much psychological
abuse that happens that makesyou really doubt yourself and
your decision making and yourperception of the way things

(14:52):
were for you.
And so today, while I tried toput a fun spin on it, as I often
do, talking about things thatare just really not fun
whatsoever but hopefully you gota little chuckle out of this
hearing me go through the list,but I also want you to recognize
that you to recognize that youare doing so much work.

(15:22):
You might not love how you feelright now, coming out of
Mother's Day weekend.
You might not be super proud ofhow you handled yourself this
Mother's Day weekend for avariety of reasons.
You might feel good about it,but oftentimes we are so hard on
ourselves.
We're so hard on ourselves whenwe are trying to be emotionally
healthy people because we'renot perfect at it and perfection

(15:44):
isn't real and we really needto focus on how much we are
trying and how much we areholding ourselves accountable
and responsible for beinghealthy people.
We are different than ourparents because we are so
willing to put in the work andthe time and the energy and the

(16:10):
effort in order to bridge thegap of learning things that we
need to know in order to behealthy adults with healthy
relationships.
And you're not going to do itperfectly I don't do it
perfectly but beating ourselvesup about our imperfections is

(16:30):
only going to make it feel abajillion times harder to do all
of that work to make a change.
So I just want to emphasize toyou that these are things that
are so common to experience whenyou're the cycle breaker in
your family.
These are things that you areabsolutely not the only person

(16:52):
struggling with, and these arethings that would make anyone
feel crazy, and so the least anyof us can do is just be nice to
ourselves, just be kind toourselves.
When we're not perfect, we'reliterally learning how to live

(17:13):
life in a way that is totallydifferent than how we were
raised to live our lives.
That's wild when you thinkabout it.
I'm proud of you.
I'm also proud of me, andsaying that honestly has taken a
lot of work to get here, but Iam.

(17:34):
I'm proud of myself.
I'm proud of everyone herelistening and trying to bridge
that gap from being raised inthis very dysfunctional
situation to creating a healthylife for themselves, and so
you're awesome.
I am so grateful for you andyour feedback and to hear your

(17:56):
stories and for you to allow meto be a small part in your
healing journey.
I am so grateful for all ofthat.
Have a great rest of your weekand I will see you guys next
Tuesday.
Bye.

(18:19):
Thanks so much for joining mefor another episode of You're
Not Crazy.
If you like the podcast, pleaseleave a review and rate us five
stars.
It helps so much and make sureto check the show notes for
links to bonus podcast episodesand other ways I can help.
See you soon.
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