Episode Transcript
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Torie Wiksell (00:14):
Welcome to You're
Not Crazy, a podcast for the
adult children of parents withborderline and narcissistic
personality disorders.
I'm your host, tori Wixel, atherapist and coach with over a
decade of experience in themental health field.
Now let's jump in, hi guys.
Welcome back to this episode ofYou're Not Crazy.
(00:35):
So today we're going to talk alittle bit about the things that
get in the way of settinghealthy boundaries, even though
we all know that we need to setthem right.
So when you're dealing with aparent who has either borderline
or narcissistic personalitydisorder, it's very unfun to
(00:55):
challenge them.
It's very unfun to set aboundary.
That's just the reality, and soI'm sure that part of what is
giving you hesitation aboutsetting boundaries is just the
thought that dealing with theirresponse and their pushback is
just going to be way tooexhausting and you don't have
(01:17):
the energy to do it.
And trust me, I hear you and Iget it, and I've said it before
and I'm going to say it againwhen you have a parent who has
BPD or narcissistic personalitydisorder, every road is
exhausting.
You just need to choose whichexhausting it's going to be Okay
.
Which flavor of exhausting areyou going to go with?
(01:39):
Because the course that you'reon is exhausting and if you do
the same thing or you do nothing, it's going to keep being
exhausting and it's going tokeep being exhausting for
forever.
And if you make a change, thereis this potential, right
Potential that, yes, while it isgoing to be more exhausting in
(02:03):
the short term, because it'sgoing to take energy and effort
from you to do somethingdifferent and to figure out how
to do something different andthen to actually enforce that
something different, in the longterm it's really going to pay
off because if you can pushthrough that short-term extra
level of distress that comesfrom having to set a boundary
(02:26):
that feels exhausting anddraining to set, then the
outcome is that you get, overallbig picture, to live a happier
and less stressful life.
And so, when it comes toboundaries and that inevitable
thought that comes up with, Ijust can't deal with this right
now.
I don't have the time.
I don't have the time, I don'thave the energy.
(02:46):
I really want to encourage youto challenge yourself on that
and say I'm going to take a stepback and look at the reality,
which is I can keep doing thingshow I've always done them and
while I might have a little bitof relief right in this moment,
for just as a result of notdealing with this and not
(03:09):
setting a boundary or not doinganything new Big picture, I'm
going to keep feeling asstressed out as I have been.
Or I could, you know, dig downdeep and take what energy I do
have and set a boundary so thata week, a few months, a year
(03:30):
from now, I'm in a way, betterplace.
And I think the more that youcan challenge yourself on that
idea or that fear of setting theboundary, because it just feels
too draining, the more you cankind of have that internal
conflict or the internalconversation with yourself
around.
Okay, all of it is draining.
(03:51):
Which draining do I want?
It puts you back in thedriver's seat.
It allows you to make an activechoice, and even if that active
choice is, I'm still going todo what I've always done before.
At least you're takingownership of that decision and
you know that there is anotheroption available to you and that
(04:11):
is so important.
Okay, so that's the big one.
I know that's on everyone'smind, and either that is
something you're struggling withright now or you've struggled
with in the past.
So what are some other thingsthat get in the way of setting
boundaries with a parent withBPD or narcissistic personality
disorder?
Well, a huge one is notactually knowing what to do.
(04:35):
Right, if you know that youwant to set a boundary, but you
don't really know how to do thatsuccessfully, that's going to
get in the way of you settingthat boundary.
No-transcript you're not exposedto other adults modeling
healthy boundary setting right.
(04:56):
You're really having to figurethis out for yourself now as an
adult and I've been there andit's hard and it takes time and
it takes energy and, as I'm sureyou've noticed, one of my
coping mechanisms I've developedthrough the years is I, you
know, smile a lot and I, youknow, find the humor in things.
(05:17):
So if I laugh, it's definitelynot because I think lightly of
any of this, it's just, you know, you got to find humor in
situations that are reallystressful if you want to keep on
trucking and not get stuck inthe dirt and the muck, as my
toddler daughter's book likes toremind us.
(05:38):
So anyway, circling back, ifyou don't know what to do to set
a boundary, then of courseyou're not going to set it, and
that is why I think it's soimportant that I put together
that four-step plan that Italked about last podcast
episode of how to actually set aboundary successfully, because
it's really important that youhave a clear plan, clear steps,
(06:03):
right.
What is your goal, what are youtrying to do, what are you
trying to achieve?
What are the important thingsthat you need to focus on and
what doesn't actually matterthat much in the implementation
of this boundary right?
And so, again, if you'reneeding more direction, if this
is a specific one that you'restruggling with, that's on
(06:24):
confident boundariescom.
You can grab the guide there.
You can download it.
It's really digestible, reallyeasy to go through 10-page PDF.
But if you need a little bitmore support than just that,
just a reminder I'm doing aworkshop coming up next Friday,
friday, september 6th, at twoo'clock Pacific time.
(06:46):
It's going to be recorded.
You're going to have access forthe recording for a couple of
days after the event.
So if you can attend live,don't worry, you'll get the
recording emailed to you.
And you can attend live, don'tworry, you'll get the recording
emailed to you and you can checkit out over the weekend.
I want to really encourage youto not buy the workbook and
instead sign up for thisworkshop, and the reason is the
(07:10):
workbook, which I discounteddown on my website to $39 to
make it more accessible, is $39,right?
This workshop admissionregistration is $49.
So for $49, you can either comelive to the workshop or you can
watch the replay.
(07:31):
And I'm going to go throughthis workbook in the workshop.
Oh my gosh, way too many works.
I'm going to walk you throughit.
You're also going to get a copyof the workbook for free when
you register for the workshop.
So for $10 more you get theworkbook.
Plus you can either come liveor watch back the replay of me
(07:54):
talking through in much moredetail what's inside of the
workbook.
And then also in the workshop,we're going to talk about safety
issues because, especially withclients, with clients,
especially with adults it's beena you know, it's been a week.
My brain is off Adults who arestruggling with a parent with
(08:14):
borderline personality disorder,um, very, very, very often have
concerns about either theirparents' safety or their safety
implementing boundaries.
So in the workshop I'm going totouch on that and I'm going to
talk through some of the commonconcerns that come up and ways
you can go around preparing andworking through those concerns
(08:39):
before you implement boundaries.
So those are the top two, Iwould say things that really get
in people's way when they'rethinking about setting
boundaries with a challengingparent.
But I'm going to throw in athird one for the sake of our
podcast, because two just seemslike not enough, right, and I
(09:01):
could list 10 more, but I'm sureyou all have things to do with
your day.
So one more that often gets inpeople's way is this idea that I
don't want to rock the boat.
There's going to be a rippleeffect if I set a boundary and
you're not wrong In a family,unless it's just you and your
parent, there is probably goingto be a ripple effect, whether
(09:25):
it's between you and your otherparent or siblings or cousins or
aunts and uncles orgrandparents.
This family is going to havethe other family members.
They're going to have opinionsabout you setting a boundary,
and some might be supersupportive of it and some might
(09:46):
not, and you might not knowwhich category people are going
to fall into, or you might havea really good idea and be
freaked out by it, and so Ithink that this one is so valid
and this is something thattherapy and coaching can be
really helpful with, becausebeing able to talk through these
concerns and really get clarityon what you want to do about
(10:09):
them can really help youovercome them so that you can
still move forward and set theboundaries that you want to set,
because, at the end of the day,my biggest goal is to help you
get to a place where you feelempowered to set boundaries that
you want to set.
That's what we all need to do ashealthy adults, right?
Whether it's with our parentsor at work, or in our
(10:32):
friendships or in our romanticlife.
We need to know how to sethealthy boundaries, we need to
be capable of setting healthyboundaries and we need to
actually set those healthyboundaries.
So I hope that today you got aglimpse into what that reality
would look like for you and someways that you can go about
(10:52):
overcoming some of the reallycommon obstacles that people
encounter when they're hesitanton setting a boundary with a
parent with either borderline ornarcissistic personality
disorder.
Thanks for joining me and I'llsee you guys next week.
Bye.
You can find all of theinformation I talked about today
at confidentboundariescom.
As always.
(11:14):
Thanks so much for listening tothis episode and, if you like
the podcast, please rate us fivestars on Apple Podcasts and
make sure to subscribe.
See you next week.