Episode Transcript
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Torie Wiksell (00:14):
Welcome to You're
Not Crazy, a podcast for the
adult children of parents withborderline and narcissistic
personality disorders.
I'm your host, tori Wixel, atherapist and coach with over a
decade of experience in themental health field.
Now let's jump in.
Hi guys, welcome back to thepodcast this week.
(00:34):
I am super excited to be backtalking with you, although I am
a little sleepy.
If you are in the US and in oneof the states where the time
just changed, I am reallyfeeling for you.
This one really throws me and Ifeel like that's probably true
(00:55):
for most people.
It is a tough one.
It's not only tough because ofthe hour lost, but it really
throws my entire internalschedule just with the longer
days all of a sudden.
It's a really weird one for meto adjust to, so I'm definitely
feeling really out of it.
I'm not necessarily sleepdeprived I went to bed fairly
(01:18):
early, but I am definitelyadjusting.
So first things first, I wantedto address there not being a
YouTube episode today.
If you're someone who hasstarted to watch the podcast on
YouTube, I apologize, but overthe past week I've realized that
I don't like doing YouTube.
(01:38):
I just don't.
I can't really tell you why.
I'm not exactly sure myself.
I'm on camera all day long, soI don't necessarily think that's
the sole reason.
I am on camera when I'm doingtherapy sessions.
I'm on camera when I'm doingcoaching sessions or in the
community or on social media, soI don't necessarily know that's
the reason.
(01:58):
However, I have loved doing thepodcast up until the past few
weeks.
The past few weeks I have foundmyself dreading it, which is
really a bummer, because I lovethis podcast and I don't want to
dread it, and I've been tryingto figure out what is going on.
And the reality is I justreally didn't want to film it
(02:20):
for YouTube.
So I don't know why I apologizeif that's something that you're
into, but when I kind of madethat connection, I was like,
well, you know what?
We're getting rid of theYouTube.
Then, because I love doing thispodcast and I'm so appreciative
to all of you who have foundthe podcast and reached out and
told me that you love it too,and I am committed to showing up
(02:44):
my best self every week andbringing you really quality
content that you can depend on.
And in order to do that, I haveto love what I'm doing.
And so, no more YouTube.
I am recommitted to the audioonly version of the podcast and
I'm already feeling much better,even though I'm pretty sleepy
(03:04):
today, but I'm still feeling waybetter.
So no more YouTube, not for me.
But the podcast shall live onas long as you will allow it to.
Don't worry, as I always say,no matter anything else going on
in my world.
I love doing the podcast and Iintend to do it for as long as
you'll listen to me talk.
So here we are Today.
(03:26):
I wanted to reflect on this pastyear.
I opened my second company,confident Boundaries, a little
over a year ago in February oflast year, and before that I had
my private practice for severalyears and I know in the bonus
podcast episodes in thecommunity I had my private
(03:47):
practice for several years and Iknow in the bonus podcast
episodes in the community I'vetalked a little bit about
starting the podcast and behindthe scenes with that, but I
don't actually think that I'vetalked about it on the main show
and so I wanted to spend sometime today just kind of talking
you guys through how thispodcast came to be, how I
(04:08):
branched out side of therapy,although I'm still very much in
therapy and the therapy worldand I intend to be for,
hopefully, decades and decadesto come, but just a little
evolution of how I got here, howwe got here and what things are
looking like moving forward.
So I started doing therapy in2013 as a grad student and it is
(04:33):
wild to think that it has beenthat long.
I still envision myself as avery young therapist I
relatively am, but not quite asyoung as I was fresh out of grad
school in my 20s.
A lot has changed in my careeras I've grown professionally and
personally and shifted intoprivate practice and really
(04:54):
shifted my focus to working withthe adult, children and parents
with BPD and narcissisticpersonality disorders, and so,
while I have been pretty focusedin on working with this
particular area for gosh yearsnow, so I think we can probably
(05:15):
all agree that this is a veryspecific niche.
It is, it's a very uniquefamily dynamic that I grew up
with, that you grew up with,that I work with on a daily
basis and because of that, as atherapist, I had a lot of people
reaching out who wanted toconsult with me or wanted to
(05:37):
work with me.
Because this is such a specificniche that I work with and,
unfortunately, because of theway therapy and licensing work,
even though I do online therapy,I can only do online therapy
with people who are located inthe states that I'm licensed in,
and so what would end uphappening is I would repeatedly
(06:01):
get emails or phone calls mostlyemails, though from people who
found me through Google orthrough a referral somehow, and
they either wanted to consultwith me or work together in
therapy, and I would have towrite them back and say I'm so
sorry, I wish I could help.
Here's my best advice forfinding someone that can and
(06:23):
give them a bit of direction togo in, but I wouldn't be able to
help, and that felt awful.
Every single time I had to turnsomeone away, it felt horrible,
because I know how hard it isto recognize that something is
not right, that you arestruggling, and to finally get
(06:43):
to a place where you haveidentified what that struggle is
and are ready to reach out andseek out support, only to be
told that I'm so sorry, but Ican't help you.
Good luck finding someone else.
It just it feels so shitty tohave to say that as a therapist,
and I know it feels so shittyto have to hear that on the
(07:04):
receiving end, and so, after awhile of this happening, I
really put a lot of thought andenergy into how can I help
bridge this gap a little bit.
There are very few therapistswho have devoted their practice
to this very specific niche andeven fewer therapists who have
(07:29):
my lived experience, who areopenly talking about it publicly
, and what I came up withultimately was that I was going
to expand my professionalbusiness to open up a coaching
company, and that's howConfident Boundaries was born.
A year ago I decided that whileI can't do therapy, I
(07:52):
definitely can do coaching andconsulting work, where someone
can meet with me for a handfulof appointments and I can
provide them with educationaround what it means for someone
to have BPD or MPD, what itmeans to be in a family,
(08:13):
parent-child relationshipdynamic with someone like that,
and strategies for navigatingthe really complicated layers.
I could kind of bridge that gapfor someone who maybe had a
therapist that they loved, butthat therapist didn't
necessarily have the experienceor the education to really
(08:34):
support them in this one area,or someone maybe who's done a
lot of work in therapy, orsomeone who is otherwise
functioning pretty well butrealizes that they really do
need some feedback and supporthere, and so I was really
resistant to doing coaching fora long time and I think I did
talk about this actually in thetherapy versus coaching episode
(08:57):
that I did many, many moons agowhen this podcast first started.
But during the pandemic therewere so many coaches that came
up on social media and onlineand they felt so gimmicky.
And a lot of people that I sawonline calling themselves
coaches were not trainedtherapists.
(09:19):
They didn't have the backgroundto be doing the type of work
that they were advertising thatthey did, and I saw them
spreading a lot ofmisinformation and that really
soured me.
On coaching in general, I wasvery unhappy with what I was
seeing and I was reallyconcerned about the impact that
(09:40):
it would have on people andtheir mental health, especially
when we were going through thebeginning of the pandemic and
people were in a really fragilestate.
So I was really anti-coachingfor a very long time and then I
came to the conclusion that youknow what, just because some
people are out there and they'recalling themselves coaches and
(10:01):
I have understandable concernsabout them, that doesn't mean
that me calling myself a coachmeans that I'm going to do harm
as well, and so I had to kind ofreally move into that gray area
of flexible thinking where Icould acknowledge that, yeah,
there are definitely problemswithin the coaching community,
(10:24):
within the consulting community,especially, being that it is
entirely unregulated, unliketherapy, and, at the same time,
this is a really important anduseful skill set that I have.
And for me to just dig my heelsin and say I'm not going to do
coaching or anything outside oftherapy because I don't like the
(10:44):
way some other people haveapproached this doesn't really
make a lot of sense either.
It's essentially me just havinglike an adult mini tantrum and
not helping anyone, includingmyself.
Adult money tantrum and nothelping anyone including myself.
And so I processed all of thatand I got to the point where I
was comfortable clearly definingthe differences between what I
(11:04):
did in therapy, what I did incoaching.
I opened up confidentboundaries and really intended
for it to be a business where Icould do coaching and consulting
work and then also provideonline courses.
I thought that that might be areally helpful way to bridge the
gap and help provideinformation to people who
(11:25):
couldn't work with me in therapy, who are interested, who didn't
need to work with me.
I think you get where I'm going, and so that was really the
intention of ConfidentBoundaries when I was first born
.
And then, as life does evolveand change and I started working
with coaching clients and Ibuilt my first course, which
(11:47):
I've mentioned, I know, here,which is called the Boundaries
Roadmap.
As all of that started tounfold throughout the year, so
much was changing so fast and Iwas trying to just take in
everything and adapt I realizedI really love doing coaching and
I still do, and I always lovedoing therapy and I still love
(12:09):
doing therapy and I noticed thatI was struggling to figure out
how to get information to peoplein a way that was easily
digestible, that was accessible,that was helpful, and I have so
much information in my brain.
And one thing that I strugglewith is I am a helper At heart.
(12:34):
I am a helper.
That is who I am, that is meand my personality, and if I
feel like I can help someone,that is what I want to do, that
it brings me joy, to feel like Iknow something that can help
someone and I want to share thatinformation with them.
And sometimes I get so excitedthat I want to do everything at
(12:56):
once and I bite off a ton andthen I get overwhelmed and then
it feels like what I'm sharingis overwhelming because I'm
trying to share so muchinformation at once.
And so I think that part ofthis was the learning curve of
Confident Boundaries throughoutthe past year was how do I share
(13:17):
information that I have that isuseful and helpful and people
want and people need, in a waythat isn't overwhelming and
makes sense and they canactually take in and utilize?
And what might surprise you isI'm not sure if I've talked
about this or not, but if I have.
I apologize for repeating myself, but when I started the podcast
(13:41):
of every business endeavor I'vehad in my entire therapy career
, I did not expect the podcastto take off.
I just thought, well, this isone more thing I can try to see
if this would be a useful wayfor me to share information with
people that would be helpful.
And I was like what's the harm?
(14:02):
I'm going to record it myself,I'm going to edit it myself, I'm
going to put it out there andjust kind of see what happens.
And surprise to me, the podcasthas really taken off and it is
thrilling and it is exciting andit is so wonderful to hear from
you and to hear the feedbackthat it has helped you and that
(14:26):
it matters and that it issomething that has, in some
capacity, changed things for you, whether that's by validating
what you've been through orgiving you hope or direction.
Whatever it is that isultimately at my core, what I
want to do, and so the fact thatthis podcast, which I kind of
(14:47):
just did out of I don't know,maybe this will help, maybe this
will work, maybe this will bewhat people want and need, has
really been the most excitingsurprise of the entire Confident
Boundaries journey.
It just has been so cool to seehow me just showing up here and
(15:09):
talking every week is a usefulway to digest information about
a really complicated and layereddynamic.
So I am so grateful to all ofyou who are listening.
I'm so grateful to all of youwho are listening to take the
time to reach out and write tome.
I know sometimes it takes me acouple days to get back to you,
(15:31):
but every single email that Isee, every single DM that I see
I promise you I take it in, andI see every single DM that I see
I promise you I take it in, andI really, really appreciate it.
And if I haven't gotten back toyou, it is because it is lost
somewhere the email.
I truly value you guys and I amjust so happy that this has
(15:52):
been a useful way for me to getout all of this information into
my head, or that is in my head,in a way that can help other
people.
So, going back to ConfidentFoundries and the evolution here
, I built the boundaries roadmap.
I am a therapist.
That is what I am trained to do, that is what my education is,
(16:14):
and I am not a marketer.
I am not a business person atheart.
Have I had to learn aspects ofthese things throughout my
career?
Yes, has it been graceful andlinear?
No, no, it has not.
Luckily, I am very fortunate tohave people in my life who have
been supportive and willing tohelp me because they believe in
(16:36):
me and give me guidance andencouragement and those types of
things.
But it has been a messy roadand the whole progression of
confident boundaries has reallybeen a learn along the way type
of thing which, if you told me10 years ago that would be the
case, I would have laughed inyour face, because that is so
(16:58):
against that perfectionism partof me that wants to over-prepare
and overthink and over-plan anddo things right.
The first time ConfidentBoundaries has not been that.
It's been.
I want to help and I'm justgoing to try my best and figure
it out as we go, and so, withthe boundaries roadmap, I have
(17:20):
learned a couple of things.
I think that it feels reallyoverwhelming to digest a ton of
information in one sitting.
I think when you have a parentwith BPD or MPD, you're already
stressed, you're alreadyoverwhelmed, bpd or MPD you're
already stressed, you're alreadyoverwhelmed.
The thought of doing more andneeding more time and energy to
(17:41):
take in all of this informationand apply.
It feels like a lot.
And so, although I love theinformation in that course, I
know that that's not the mostuseful way to deliver it now.
And so along comes theConfident Boundaries online
community, which I love, andthis is like a dream of mine
(18:09):
Confident Boundaries, it reallyis.
It's a dream of mine to have asafe space where accurate
information about these familydynamics, setting boundaries,
going low or no contact healing,can be found and accessed, and
(18:29):
where you can connect with otherpeople who just get it.
They see what you're saying andthey're like nope, you don't
need to explain 18 novels, likeI get it because I've been in
that exact same situation or Icould see myself in that exact
same situation.
That is so hard to find for somany of us, because these
relationships are really, reallyunique.
And so Confident Boundaries isreally really a dream of mine
(18:54):
and I am so grateful foreveryone in that community who
has been there from the groundup since we opened in December
and has really been along forthe ride.
I approached it similarly to howI did starting Confident
Boundaries, the umbrella company, last year.
I was like I'm gonna puteverything in this community.
(19:15):
This is going to be a one-stopshop for anything you could ever
need related to understandingor healing from your BBD or MPD
parent.
And what happened was it was alot, it was overwhelming, it was
unclear, it was confusing, itwas all of those things and
(19:37):
while my intention was so good,it didn't have the impact that I
wanted it to because it wasjust too much all at once.
And it was a lot, just likewhen I first did the Boundaries
Roadmap course.
It's packed with greatinformation, but if it feels too
overwhelming for people toactually jump in and do it, then
it's actually not having theintended effect of helping
(20:00):
people.
So because of that, I've beenmaking tweaks to the community
here and there as we go along,so that if you are working with
a therapist already, that justdoesn't have the education and
experience that in thebackground that I do and you
need more here in this one areait is some place that you can
(20:23):
come to and is something thatyou can afford.
I also want it to be for mycoaching clients, a supplement
to coaching.
That's another thing I've beenworking on throughout the past
year is how can I packagecoaching in a way that is the
most effective and most helpfulto people, and what I have been
(20:43):
doing as we go along in testingout different dynamics.
I've really settled on thisidea that change takes time and
consistency, and that's not newto me.
However, I think it's reallyimportant that my coaching
packages reflect that, and sonow I have two coaching packages
(21:04):
, and this is it.
This is like a leave it, andwhen those fill up, they fill up
, and when they reopen, they'llreopen, just like in therapy
when my therapy practice fillsup, it fills up.
When I have a spot open, itwill reopen, right.
That is how these coachingpackages will work as well, but
they are essentially three-monthand six-month coaching packages
(21:27):
, so we'll either work togetherfor three months, once a week,
for 60 minutes a week, or forsix months once a week, 60
minutes a week and you'll alsohave access to the Confident
Boundaries online community whenwe work together in coaching,
because I want to make sure thateveryone who is working with me
(21:49):
has that level of support andthat access to it, and so with
that, I'm making shifts in thecommunity too.
So, I think, way more excitingshifts, but you be the judge of
that.
So, with a Confident Boundariesonline community, I decided we
(22:09):
need to simplify, right?
Just like everything,everything needs to be
simplified.
You guys are busy.
I understand that it isoverwhelming to begin with.
You don't need to be moreoverwhelmed.
You need life to be simple andto be easy.
To be more overwhelmed, youneed life to be simple and to be
easy.
And so now there are four keyfeatures of the Confident
(22:29):
Boundaries online community.
One there is now, startingtoday at two o'clock Pacific
time, there will be a 60 minutegroup coaching session in the
community every single week.
So from two to 3 pm everyMonday in the Confident
Boundaries online community,there's going to be a live group
(22:50):
coaching session where you canshow up and you can ask me
questions about things thatyou're struggling with right now
.
You can listen to other peopletalk through the things that
they're struggling and me coachthem through it, or you can
watch the replays every week.
The reason why I feel like thisis so important is because it
(23:12):
is really really fascinating howmany parallels there are to the
dynamics when you grow up witha parent like this and you might
not know what questions youhave right now, you might not
exactly understand what you'restruggling with, and so to watch
me talk someone else through asituation that you can relate to
.
I think there's so much valuethere, and it allows people to
(23:36):
come in and get feedback from meabout their situation in a way
that is way more accessible thanworking one-on-one with me and
coaching or therapy too, and sothat is something that I'm
really, really excited about.
We're going to continue to haveone live monthly training in the
community every month.
That's on the third Thursday ofevery month, from 12 to 1 pm
(23:59):
Pacific time, and that is on atopic that is voted on within
the community.
We're also going to do bonuspodcast episodes, or I should
say, continue to do them.
I owe the community one thisweek.
This week was a lot for me andI apologize and I have no
excuses.
I just have every intention ofgetting it to you as soon as I
(24:22):
can.
So there are a backlog of bonuspodcast episodes of this
podcast You're not crazy but thebonus episodes in the community
, if that is something that youare interested in.
And then there is the communityfeature itself, which is
available to you 24 seven.
That doesn't mean people arealways gonna be accessible on
their 24 seven, but if you arestruggling you can go in there
(24:45):
and you can post.
You can read through people'spast posts and see that you are
not alone, that there are otherpeople just like you who are
struggling with similar thingsand you are not crazy, even
though it feels like you aresometimes.
And that is so importantbecause I know not everyone out
there has family or friends whoget it.
(25:06):
They don't necessarily havepartners who get it.
They don't necessarily havethat sounding board, that person
that they can go to and saythis thing happened and I'm
doubting my own sanity, I'mdoubting my own beliefs around
what is reasonable and whatboundaries are healthy or okay
(25:29):
to set, and so this community isthat foundation for you.
Those are the four keycomponents of the Confident
Boundaries online community,moving forward To review bonus
podcast episodes, the communityitself, the monthly trainings
and the weekly group coachingsessions with me.
(25:49):
That, I think, is a huge benefitto getting information out in a
way that is accessible and in away that is not overwhelming
and not something that feelslike you have to commit to again
.
And what I'm going to do, andwhat I'm in the process of doing
right now, is breaking down theBoundaries Roadmap online
(26:13):
course into smaller chunks ofvideo and smaller worksheet
chunks that you can go to if you, let's say, just want to learn
more about the dynamics ofhaving a BPD or an NPD parent,
what those diagnoses mean, whatyou need to be mindful of.
(26:34):
I have one section in thecourse that is completely
devoted to that, and so I'mgoing to break that down and
separate it out, and then I'mgoing to have another section
around implementing andenforcing boundaries, and so I'm
going to start breaking thesedown into really digestible
chunks, because I want you tomake the changes that you want
(26:56):
to make.
I want you to feel empowered toset boundaries that you need to
set.
I want you to understand whatit means to go low contact and I
want you to understand what arethe questions you should be
asking yourself around going nocontact, when is that
appropriate for you?
When is that something that youwould benefit from considering?
(27:18):
And to know that you're theonly person that gets to make
that decision, that you're theonly person that gets to make
that decision.
There is no universal rule here, and if you listen to anyone
who is telling you you have togo no contact, you have to set
boundaries, you have to maintainthis relationship Well, they're
full of shit, because that'snot the case.
You can choose the relationshipand the life that works for you
(27:42):
, as long as you have theknowledge and the education and
the understanding of what isrealistic and what is possible
in your dynamic and what theimpact on your mental and
emotional health and well-beingand other relationships are.
That, ultimately, has alwaysbeen my goal is to empower you
(28:05):
to make the decisions foryourself that you want to make
and to give you the informationand the education, the resources
that you need to do thatsuccessfully, and so that is one
huge reason why I'm running theworkshop next week, or, yeah,
next week.
Yes, tuesday, march 18th, 5 pmPacific time.
(28:26):
It'll be about 45 minutes long.
You can sign up for free.
Confidentboundariescom.
Slash boundariesworkshop Again.
Confidentboundariescom.
Slash boundariesworkshop About45 minutes.
I'm going to walk you throughexactly how to frame your
boundary so your parent is morelikely to respect it, how to
manage guilt, fear and anxietyso you don't freeze or backtrack
(28:48):
, and how to enforce yourboundary when your parent pushes
back.
Because, like I said in the adyou probably listened to before
this episode, who are we kidding?
They obviously will.
Parents with BPD and MPD aregoing to push back on your
boundaries.
That is almost guaranteed.
They are going to push back,and so that should not be a
(29:11):
deterrent for you when settingboundaries.
That just has to be part of theequation in how you plan to set
your boundary and execute that,because it's a part of it.
When you are the initiator ofthe change, you want the change.
Your parent doesn't want thechange, and they also have this
personality disorder which makesthem especially resistant to it
(29:34):
, and so that doesn't meanboundaries are impossible
they're not but it does meanthat the way that you approach
them has to be reallyintentional and clear around
what the likely outcomes aregoing to be and how you're going
to cope with it.
One last thing before we wrap upfor today.
I really appreciate you guysallowing me to take you on this
(29:56):
journey of reflection that hasled us here to where we are
today with the podcast andConfident Boundaries and
everything.
I think I've covered prettymuch all of it.
The one thing that I want tomention is that I shifted the
Confident Boundaries membershipto align with my coaching
memberships.
Like I was saying earlier, withmy coaching memberships there
(30:19):
are three months or six monthmemberships now, because change
takes time.
Change takes consistency andtime, and the same is true for
the community.
It takes time to internalizeand digest and to go try to set
boundaries and come back and getfeedback around what went well
(30:42):
and what's a struggle and whereto go from here, and so that
doesn't happen in a week or two.
That happens over time, and sothe community membership is now
set up so that you can join foreither three months or six
months at a time in order toreally see meaningful change in
your life.
It's important to be consistentand to continue to show up, and
(31:07):
I know that you do that bylistening to this podcast.
Those are the changes that havebeen unfolding over the past
year of me opening confidentboundaries, and that is what
this evolution has looked like,coming up onto this annual
milestone.
(31:27):
Like I said earlier, I am sograteful for all of you.
It has really been such a giftbeing able to show up every week
and talk to you and to be ableto share bits about my own
personal journey too.
It really has been so healingin so many ways for me as well
to be able to talk bits about myown personal journey too.
It really has been so healingin so many ways for me as well
to be able to talk openly aboutthings that have been so
(31:52):
secretive for so long in my life, for me to be able to show up
on the podcast and talk aboutthese things from a therapeutic
level, these things from atherapeutic level, from an
educational level and from apersonal level.
It's really not lost on me howlucky I am to be able to share
(32:19):
with you all, and thank you forthat, for giving me that
opportunity.
So I know that this one was along one and I appreciate you
hanging in with me for thelength of it, but never hesitate
to reach out.
You can always reach me onInstagram at tori, at
confidentboundaries, or you canemail me at tori at
(32:41):
confidentboundariescom, anddon't forget about signing up.
You can email me at tori atconfidentboundariescom, and
don't forget about signing upfor that free workshop
confidentboundariescom slashboundaries workshop.
And until next week I'll seeyou guys.
Then Bye.
Thanks so much for joining mefor another week of You're Not
Crazy.
If you like the podcast, pleasemake sure to rate us five stars
(33:04):
and leave a review.
It helps so much.
And make sure to check the shownotes for discounts and updates
of what's going on in my world.
Okay, I'll see you next week.