Self-Help Gurus: Growing Up in a Dysfunctional Family Makes You a Target for Their BS

This week on You're Not Crazy, I chat about why I loathe the Tony Robbins of the world and why you need to be careful about being the target of charismatic people who want to exploit you. Growing up with parents affected by borderline or narcissistic personality disorders can distort our sense of self and intuition, making us prime targets for re-traumatization by these so-called empowerment experts. We'll explore the deep-seated impact of a dysfunctional upbringing and how it leaves us susceptible to being pulled into manipulative relationships as an adult. 

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Episode Transcript

Torie Wiksell (00:14):
Welcome to You're Not Crazy, a podcast for the
adult children of parents withborderline and narcissistic
personality disorders.
I'm your host, tori Wixel, atherapist and coach with over a
decade of experience in themental health field.
Now let's jump in.
Welcome back to the podcast.
So this week we're going totalk about why we all myself

(00:38):
included, who grew up with aparent with either borderline
and or narcissistic personalitydisorder need to be on the
lookout for the Tony Robbins inour lives.
So what do I mean by that?
You probably know who TonyRobbins is, I'm guessing.
Maybe you don't if you're alittle bit younger than me, but

(01:00):
if you don't know who he is,he's this huge motivational
speaker and he is supposed to bethis very empowerment guy.
Ceos and people in the businessworld pay him disgusting
amounts of money to do coachingwith him and he has these huge

(01:23):
what do you want to call themLike seminars, I guess, where
like thousands and thousands ofpeople go and they listen to him
.
And there's this documentary onhim and it is wild.
So if you haven't seen that, Iwould highly suggest checking it
out.
It's horrific.
In my personal and professionalopinion, the way that he tells

(01:44):
and encourages people to dealwith trauma is just abhorrent,
and it is horrible and superre-traumatizing.
But Tony Robbins is just one ofthe many people out there who
have this same huge personality,who claim to have all of the

(02:04):
answers and be able to helpevery single person in the
entire world, and they're allfull of shit.
So let's get into this.
So when you grow up with aparent who is either, you know,
abusive or neglectful oremotionally incapable of
parenting you, you learn veryunhealthy things about

(02:28):
relationships and you might bethinking, well, duh.
Obviously that's why I'mlistening to you and I'm trying
to peel back those layers.
Great, Wonderful, we're all onthe same page here and at the
same time, there's so much thatseeps into your psyche really
deep that I feel like this isgenuinely worth an entire

(02:51):
podcast episode to talk about.
So when you grow up in thesedysfunctional family situations,
you learn that you can't trustyour own intuition.
You can't trust your ownthoughts and feelings and
opinions, because if they're notdesirable to the person who's

(03:12):
raising you, then there are veryserious consequences for that
right.
It's very much like the wholewalking on eggshells thing.
If you feel like you're walkingon eggshells as a kid, you're
trying to anticipate yourparents' volatility and you're
trying to prevent it.
And so, in order to prevent it,you're going to put their needs

(03:35):
and wants and desires aboveyour own.
And so when you do thisrepeatedly growing up, what
happens is that that intuition,that voice inside all of us that
tells us something doesn't feelright, something's wrong.
You've been programmed toignore that.

(03:55):
You've been programmed to Ajust not even notice it anymore.
Or B when you notice it.
It anymore, or B, when younotice it, you coach yourself,
either consciously orunconsciously, you coach
yourself to suppress it becausethat can't be good enough, right

(04:16):
?
You feeling like you'reuncomfortable, you feeling like
something's wrong is not goodenough to act on.
How this ties back into all ofthose gurus and people out there
who claim to have all of theanswers and know everything
about everyone and how to helpeveryone.
How that ties back into them isthat, essentially, when you're

(04:41):
raised in a dysfunctionalparent-child relationship, the
same toxic, abusive,dysfunctional cycle that happens
is the exact same abuse thathappens in cults.
It's the same that happens inabusive romantic relationships.

(05:01):
The cycle of abuse is the cycleof abuse, and so when you are a
part of that, it is so easy tobe abused by other people.
You grow up in a situationwhere you are taught this is the

(05:24):
more desirable way, right?
Because if the more desirableway was the healthy way, then
you would be able to have yourfeelings as a kid, you would be
able to speak honestly, youwouldn't be walking on eggshells
because there would be no scarydetrimental consequence of you
doing or saying something thatwas perceived as wrong.

(05:45):
But when you're growing up inan abusive cycle, you all of a
sudden start to see the worldthrough that lens, right.
And so someone who doesn't growup in a dysfunctional family,
someone that grows up in anemotionally healthy family and
that, in and of itself, is on aspectrum but abuse and healthy
not in the same family andhealthy not in the same family.

(06:12):
So if you grew up in a healthyfamily, you're taught to listen
to your intuition and you'retaught that other people don't
have to think and feel the sameway as you, even your parents,
and that's not only okay butthat's great.
You're modeled and taught howto express yourself and how to
stand up for yourself and how toset boundaries in a way that is
pro-social, right, like youcould be a narcissist, to feel

(06:38):
like you're doing all of thosethings.
But that would not be apro-social approach to standing
up and advocating for yourself.
That would be very destructive.
And so in healthy families,parents encourage their kids to
be their own person and theyshow them how to navigate the
world in a really healthy wayand how to stand up for
themselves and set boundaries.

(07:00):
And when they inevitably dosomething wrong because we're
all imperfect humans they helpthem and they learn.
They help them learn how tomove forward and repair
relationships and forgivethemselves and all of that.
But when you grow up in anabusive and dysfunctional family
situation, you don't learn that.

(07:20):
You learn that abuse cycle andthen you go out into the world
and you're way more susceptibleto being dragged into
dysfunctional friendships, toxicwork situations and being
victims of people like the TonyRobbins of the world because

(07:41):
they are so powerful, seemingright.
And if I came on here and I hadthis audience of like millions
of people and I said I am theperson that you need to listen
to 100% of the time abouteverything that has to do with
dealing with a toxic parent,then A I would be full of shit

(08:05):
too, but B like that wouldinfluence some people right, and
people would start to thepeople who are more susceptible
to that, that feel some sort ofconnection to me in some way.
You know, I could really do alot of damage there If I stood
on my you know, if I stood on mysoapbox and said if you don't

(08:29):
listen to every single thing Ido, you are doomed for this
toxic, horrible life.
And you need to tell yourparent X, y and Z, and if you
don't set that boundary, yourlife is going to be in shambles.
And that sounds crazy, butthat's literally what some
people do, and I'm talking aboutpeople on social media, I'm

(08:52):
talking about people withpodcasts and I'm talking about,
like, the Tony Robbins of theworld, right.
And so what I want tocommunicate to you this week is
that growing up in thatdysfunctional family environment
makes you more susceptible togiving super toxic and abusive
and people who are just franklyfull of shit more power than

(09:17):
they deserve.
They don't deserve power Ifthey are someone who truly can
help you.
What they're going to say issomething like what I'm about to
say to you, which is takeeverything I say with a grain of
salt.
My goal is to give youinformation and knowledge and to

(09:38):
just share a bit of my ownstory and my own journey and
what's worked for me and whatI've seen work for other people,
but also help teach teachableskills right.
Like a lot of what I do, asboth a therapist and a coach, is
help people understand what ishealthy and unhealthy and like
if you are finding a lot ofunhealthy in your life, how can

(10:01):
you move towards the healthy,whether that's setting
boundaries, learning copingskills or going no contact or
something else totally.
But I don't know you.
I don't know what's best foryou.
I just know that there arethese similarities and these
commonalities that come upbetween myself and other people
who have grown up in thesedysfunctional parent-child

(10:23):
relationships, and I know thatit doesn't have to be this
horrible.
You know stressful life thathas no end in sight.
It just doesn't have to be thatway.
So if you guys get anythingfrom this week, it's take
everyone with a grain of salt.
No one deserves to be on apedestal.

(10:44):
So kick off that pedestal andsee how they react.
See you guys next week.
Thanks so much for listening toanother episode of You're Not
Crazy.
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(11:05):
Okay, I'll see you next week.