The Loneliness of Being the Cycle Breaker

If you’re breaking toxic cycles in a family marked by emotional immaturity, narcissism, or borderline traits, there’s something we don’t talk about enough: the profound loneliness that can come with healing.

You’re not just setting boundaries—you’re stepping out of the role your family expected you to play. Maybe you were the peacekeeper, the fixer, the golden child, or the scapegoat. But once you stop playing by the unspoken rules, the system fights to pull you back in. 

What hurts the most is realizing your family often wants access to the old version of you—not the healthier, more boundaried version you’ve worked so hard to become. That rejection can feel like losing your family all over again.

This episode is for the cycle breakers—the ones doing the heavy lifting, often in silence, wondering if anyone else truly gets it. 

You’ll learn:

• Why healing often feels lonelier before it feels better
• How to reframe your isolation as a sign of growth
• Where to find real, mutual support outside of dysfunctional systems

Ready to connect with other cycle breakers? Join me in the Confident Boundaries Membership: confidentboundaries.com/membership

Want access to archived episodes and bonus content?
Subscribe to You’re Not Crazy: The Private Feed for exclusive episodes not available on the public feed— plus get all new episodes ad-free. Sign up for only $12/month → confidentboundaries.com/private

A huge thank you to our first podcast sponsors:

STAK Marketing
A woman-owned agency that acts like a fractional marketing director for your business: https://www.stakmarketing.com/

Jess Gleim

Marketing Strategist and Meta Ads Expert. Smart, data-backed strategy that actually makes you money: https://www.jessgleim.com/

🎧 Ready for More?
Subscribe to You're Not Crazy: The Private Feed for ad-free episodes, bonus content, and archived episodes no longer available in the public feed: confidentboundaries.com/private

📱 Download the Confident Boundaries App
Available on iOS and Android

📸 Follow Me on Instagram
instagram.com/torieatconfidentboundaries

Disclaimer: This podcast is not therapy. If you’re in crisis, please call the 988 Crisis Lifeline.

You're Not Crazy is owned and produced by Torie Wiksell and Confident Boundaries, LLC.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:14):
Welcome to You're Not Crazy, a podcast for the adult
children of parents withborderline and narcissistic
personality disorders.
I'm your host, tori Wixel, atherapist and coach with over a
decade of experience in themental health field.
Now let's jump in.
Hi guys, welcome back for thisepisode of the You're Not Crazy

(00:35):
podcast.
I, as always, am thrilled to beback here with you today.
I am going to jump right intothe heart of our episode today,
but I do want to say I have areally exciting announcement
coming next week, so TBD, staytuned, and we will chat about

(00:56):
that next Tuesday.
Today's podcast episode.
I want to talk about a topicthat's been coming up a lot
lately.
I've been getting a lot ofmessages about this topic.
It's come up in a lot ofconversations recently and I
think it's a great thing for usto talk about, because it's

(01:16):
honestly not talked about enough, and that is how lonely it can
be to be the cycle breaker inyour family.
We talk a lot about how hard itcan be to be the cycle breaker
in your family.
We talk about how hard it is tohave to seek out support and
information and knowledge, andhow cycle breakers have to learn

(01:41):
new skills like regulatingtheir own emotions and how to
have healthy relationships whenthose weren't modeled for them
and their family.
We talk about how hard it is inso many ways, but what we don't
talk a ton about is how lonelyit feels when you're the cycle

(02:02):
breaker in your family, and Iknow that it is really lonely.
So I want to talk about thattoday because I want you to know
if you're someone who isfeeling like no one gets it, if
you are feeling like you are theonly person in the world with
this struggle, I want you toknow at your core that you are

(02:26):
not, and my hope is that aftertoday's episode, that will feel
true for you, that you may feellonely, but you are definitely
not alone in this journey.
So cycle breakers are thepeople in their families that
don't ignore that gross, weirdinternal feeling that comes up

(02:51):
when things feel bad, thingsfeel wrong.
When you were a kid growing upin your house, it probably felt
stressful.
It probably felt tense andstressful and confusing and all
of the things that we've talkedabout as a cycle breaker.
As an adult who has thisnewfound or possibly not

(03:16):
newfound awareness, but has thislevel of awareness that your
family dynamics are not healthy,that your relationship with
your toxic parent isn't healthy.
Having that realization oftenmeans that you are the person in
your family that is goingagainst the grain.
Typically, everyone else inyour family is quote-unquote

(03:43):
good with the status quo.
They're not interested inrocking the boat.
They are comfortable as onecould be within a world of
toxicity and dysfunction withthe way things are.
They're not interested in goingto therapy and figuring things
out.
They're not even interested incontemplating the idea that

(04:07):
there is a problem at all.
This is what a dysfunctionalfamily unit looks like and feels
like to be in.
You feel like you're out onyour own island, because that's
the reality you really are.
It's like you're in a cult.
When you grow up in a toxic anddysfunctional family and

(04:32):
everyone else is is singing thesame songs.
They're believing in the sameguru, everyone else is on board
and they're going along withthis imaginary world that you're
looking at and saying thatdoesn't exist.
That imaginary world.

(04:53):
This isn't real.
If this was real, it wouldn'tfeel so bad.
You're the one shouting thisisn't right, let's make it
better, let's do something aboutthis.
But for you to be the onlyperson saying that or doing that
is so isolating, because notonly do you create conflict and

(05:20):
distance between you and yourtoxic parent, but there is such
a complicated ripple effect herebecause family dysfunction is
really a family issue.
It's not isolated to who welook at as our toxic parent.
It really involves siblings, itinvolves your other parent or

(05:43):
parents.
It involves, or it can involve,your grandparents and cousins
and family friends.
It is very complicated.
It can involve nieces andnephews.
There are so many differentrelationships that are, and can
be involved in this type ofdynamic and when you decide to

(06:09):
confront some of the dysfunctionand the toxicity, you're going
to piss people off.
Some people are going to bereally angry, right, and the
reason for that is complicated.
It's nuanced.
The reason for that is becausefamilies dysfunctional families
are very rigid.

(06:29):
They're not flexible.
They don't encourage autonomyamongst the different family
members, amongst the differentfamily members.
Dysfunctional families have arole for everyone in that family
and they are very, very intenton keeping everyone in that role
, and this isn't a thing likedysfunctional families.

(06:53):
Sit around the table and talkabout everyone's role.
And around the table and talkabout everyone's role and, oh,
tori, you're the scapegoat.
We've assigned that to you.
Obviously, that's not whathappens here.
But what does happen iseveryone in the family plays a
role and that allows thedysfunction to continue.

(07:14):
When people are quiet and enableyour toxic parent to behave in
ways that are abusive and toxic,that is them playing the role
that they play within yourfamily.
When you stand up as ascapegoat and you try to get

(07:35):
people to see the reality and towant better and to do better
and to confront the issues andrepair things, and they look at
you and they call you crazy andthey tell you you're the problem
, that's you playing the rolethat allows everyone to continue

(07:55):
doing the same thing.
So, as a cycle breaker, whenyou decide to take a step back
whether that's by settingboundaries or going low contact
or going no contact when youdecide to take that step back,
you are disrupting the balancein your family because no one

(08:19):
else made that active decisionto take a step back.
Everyone else was content withhow the family was operating and
they are not going to be happyabout you taking that step back,
because what that does is itrequires everyone to switch

(08:41):
things around and to figure outhow the family can operate now,
and that's really disruptive andit's really complicated.
And when you're dealing with adysfunctional family that's
trying to readjust.
It puts a lot of pressure onthe people who are not wanting
to change, and so that's whenyou experience things as a cycle

(09:06):
breaker like animosity andhostility and flying monkeys
people trying to bring you backinto your role, and you're often
blamed and shamed andguilt-tripped.
There's so much pulling backinto that role and for you, as a

(09:30):
cycle breaker, to choose tohold that line, it can feel
really lonely, it can feel sosad and it can feel so hard to
accept a reality where youdesperately want everyone in
your family to go on thishealing journey with you and

(09:56):
they are trying to pull you backinto the dysfunction and the
chaos.
That, in and of itself, isanother layer to how isolating
and lonely it can feel as acycle breaker.
It is this awareness thathappens when you start creating
distance from the dysfunction,from the dysfunction, and what

(10:23):
often happens as a cycle breakeris we try so hard to pull
people with us because we lovethem and we care about them and
we want them to heal too, sothat we can all be healthy
together, and yet they aren't inthat place, they're not ready
for it or they don't want that.
Whatever the reason is, they'renot there.

(10:44):
This is such a pivotal point inyour healing journey because it
really becomes this place ofwhat do I do?
How do I live a healthy lifeand not feel so alone and find
connection with people whounderstand me and they get what

(11:08):
I've experienced and they arealso on a healing journey?
We have to, as cycle breakers,create our connection to other
people who are also on a healthyjourney, intentionally.
It oftentimes doesn't just fallinto our laps.
We have to seek out supportfrom a therapist who gets it, or

(11:34):
really work to make connectionsand friendships with people who
understand and are on a similarhealing path.
It's hard, those things arereally hard.
And it's immensely harderknowing that your family wants

(11:55):
you back, but they only want theunhealed version of you.
They don't want this healedversion and that sucks.
That sucks a lot.
That's a really tough one tosit with, and it's especially
tough to sit with it when you'reon your own.

(12:16):
It is so hard to heal when youfeel so incredibly alone.
It is so incredibly healing andvalidating to connect with
other people who are actuallydoing the work, and they're not
doing the work because it's easyfor them.

(12:39):
They're doing the work becausethey care just as much as you do
about being a healthy personand about not exposing
additional people to the traumathat they've experienced
throughout their lives.
It's about connecting withpeople who really do get it and

(13:04):
who are empathetic andencouraging and supportive
People who are not going to tryto pull you back into the
dysfunction.
It is such a mindfuck growingup in a family like this, and it
is even more so when you aretrying to navigate your healing

(13:24):
journey.
What I want to say to you isthat there are very good reasons
why it feels so lonely for usas cycle breakers, and you, my
friend, are not alone.
You're not, and I know even ifI am the only person that you

(13:46):
have ever heard talk about afamily situation that feels like
yours.
I am not the only one out there.
There are so many amazinghumans just like you who are
showing up for themselves, whoare determined to figure this

(14:07):
out and who are working so hardto do that, and so I hope very
much that, by listening to thispodcast and listening to me talk
about my own journey, you feelless alone, and I really hope
that by being a part of ourcommunity here and on Instagram

(14:32):
and in the Confident Boundariesmembership.
I really hope that you findconnection with other people who
are on a similar path and whoare willing to put in the work
and show up for themselves andwho want the best for themselves

(14:54):
and want the best for you.
Those people are out there, Ipromise.
You just sometimes have to looka little harder for them,
because we're quite a nichebunch of humans.
With that said, I am going towrap up today's episode.
Just a reminder I havesomething super exciting in the

(15:18):
works, so stay tuned.
I will tell you all about itnext week.
Bye tuned, I will tell you allabout it next week.
Bye, thanks so much for joiningme for another week of You're
Not Crazy.
If you like the podcast, pleasemake sure to rate us five stars
and leave a review.
It helps so much.
And make sure to check the shownotes for discounts and updates

(15:42):
of what's going on in my world.
Okay, I'll see you next week.