Weekend with Uncle Johny

Uncle Johny spent the weekend at Elvis' house, and he has stories!

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:03):
What would you talk about on your on your podcast
presents morning show. We have to dedicate this fifteen minute
morning show podcast to Garrett's hair. Yes, look at that.

(00:27):
I like. I like hair like that's great. I wish
I could do that. I'm just playing at some hair.
That would be great. I just had some little hair
and a little more. There's Froggy Scotty b is in
his guest bedroom. I guess, but we can't hear him. Uh.
There's Gandhi and Scary and Straighten Nate who looks like

(00:49):
teen j who used to be on our show. It's
crazy how much he loves I can Danielle and Garrett
and Dave Rody. Hi, guys, welcome buck. I think Brodie
got a haircut. Brody, did you get a haircut? No,
it looks like No, it looks like he looks like
he got a cut. That looks different than I love
how Brody and Scary get along. Like Scary makes it.

(01:11):
He's like, fuck you Scary. Anyway, Let's try to get along, boys,
can we I'm done in the basement and two stories
up the one and only Uncle Johnny should try to
conjure him into the room. Yeah. Uh, Let me, let
me call him what we'll take longer getting him in

(01:32):
the zoom room or having him come downstairs. Yeah, let's
do it up there. Have you seen him walk? I
mean I saw Uncle Johnny this weekend and he was
wearing maybe my favorite outfit I've ever seen him, which
was a Hello Lady shirt, sweatshirt, a gold chain outside

(01:54):
of it, and then football pants footballs with like something
on it that how to do with football. I was like,
this is an interesting comment. Uncle Johnny, come down and
join us for the fifteen minute Morning show podcast. Okay,
do you remember how to get down here? Ye? Alright?

(02:16):
Did I catch you in the middle of something? Yeah?
And he was when he's like, I'm gonna wear a
house shootes. You know those cheap house shoes you get
at hotels. I'm gonna wear these in the house. So
I don't, you know, tract my step in from outside.
So then I look up and he's walking around outside
in the house shoes. You need to be committed, and
then you have to watch who do you have to

(02:38):
watch more so your two dogs or Uncle Johnny. When
he's over, I don't know, someone's shipping all over the
floor in there. I think uncle, it's the dogs. I
don't know. So he should be down here in a
minute if he remembers how to roll down the staircase. Here,
is that you, Johnny? Johnny here? Get these headphones over here?
He made it? Are you you want to sit down?

(03:00):
Does he have his hair and teeth in? No? He
is He has his teeth and not his hair. No,
that microphone doesn't work. You have to use those headphones
right there. All right, you gotta come here. Come over
here with me. My god, it's gonna be awesome. Don't
get too close. Come over here. Hear me? Can you

(03:20):
hear me in the headphones? You're gonna turn the knob.
Oh wait a second, hold on, now, what I saw
uncle Johnny video that was on yesterday yesterday on Instagram,
and he was wearing that same exact sweater. Has he
changed out of that? You have an old man smell
he john sweatshirt. I decided to keep it on. It

(03:42):
was only two days. Okay, okay? Oh? How you everybody?
John showered? Have you showered? I'm going to when I
get home today, I'm weaving in it by the now. Oh,
the poor guy has to drive you home. Oh, I
don't smell that bad. He like an old uncle Johnny.

(04:06):
You got alexcepted his spotting novel over the place, Uncle Johnny,
what was the most embarrassing thing you did this weekend? Uh? Uh,
that doesn't make sense. He doesn't think anything he does
is embarrassing. So then, Elvis, what was the most embarrassing
thing he did? I don't know. Get Gandhi, Gandhi, what's

(04:28):
here's Alex? Oh? Great? What's Alex? Uncle Johnny took out
his penis for this weekend? The night. Yeah, he showed
his penis to Gandhi. Do you remember that, Gandhi? I do?
I remember that we named it after a food item.
I won't say what the food item was. Where do
we name it's not remember the garlic knot? It doesn't

(04:49):
look like anything that would be anywhere on a person's body.
It's very sorry. Here's the problem, as you know, is
he's getting older. His penis has retracting into his body
and he can't he can't dig it out. You can't
pull it out because the operations that I had, they
pulled out those tubes and everything went in just like

(05:14):
a tiny like like mushroom at things sticking out. Is
it like a little mushroom thing. I can't really describe it. No,
it's not. There's nothing, and correct me if I'm wrong,
Uncle Johnny. There's nothing actually like sticking out. It has
actually retracted in. And imagine like it's it's a little twisted.
There's like it looks like a garlic knot on on

(05:35):
the bottom of his stomach. He'll show you, He'll show you.
I went to it. I said, please give me my
thing back. Yes, he wants his fare back, and I'm
on the side. I had a normal thing for it.
He years now I now I have this sound. I
don't know what the hell is? So how do you aim?

(05:57):
I have to pull it out. So it does pull out,
so it's almost like retractable. So wait, wait, wait, wait,
So when you pull it out and then you pay,
then when you let go, doesn't like it's not back.
It goes right back in again. It's like a sack
in the box. And if I have to sit down
and and pee, it goes over my balls and down

(06:18):
into this to the toy waterfall. Right, Yeah, yeah, that's it.
So then you gotta wipe your whole screwed him off. Yes,
I just it's just a quot um uh podcast we're doing. Yeah,
you can. It's a scrowding pocket. Now you can say
whatever you want. We're on the podcast, right we can, Yeah,

(06:39):
he says. I turned the radio one and I heard
Froggy say funk. I mean, you can't say funk on
the radio. I said, that was the podcast, Uncle Johnny.
You know ship, Are we done with Uncle Johnny's penist talker? Yeah?
What what do you want to know about the podcast? Okay? Yeah, yeah,

(07:02):
I gotta Can we ask him anything or no? Yeah,
ask Uncle Johnny anything. When you get a boner, like,
does it didn't stick out? Or do you gotta pull
that out too? Honey? If I go to boner, I'd
be so happy. I always say, get it up at yours.

(07:23):
I want to. I want to hear one of Uncle
Johnny's classic stories of when the days when he was
a bouncer, you know, at Clutton nightclubs and you know,
and what he used to do. I heard you were
you were a goon, right, yeah, I was a bouncer
at the uh at I can't think of the name.
It was on the Upper East Side. She was married
to the too uh uh not a way. She was

(07:48):
married to the Wizard Taylor married him Richard Sybil Burtons.
It was called Sybil's and it was on an Upper
East side in the sixties, and I was escorting Judy
Cowan around. I was her escort and I'd bring her
up to the bars and things, and I was the

(08:08):
bouncer there, uh during the week. And during a week uh,
Patty Duke and Liza Minnelli came in and they were
sitting at the bar and they were having cocktails. And
I said hi, because I saw her earlier at the house.
And I said, alright, Gause, how are you doing tonight?
Said fine, I went and I went back out to

(08:28):
the door. And then the owner of the club came
over and said, Johnny, you gotta ask them to leave.
I said, do you know who they are? They can't leave,
and he goes, Johnny, they're doing cocaine at the bar.
This is back in the sixties seventies. And I said,
oh no, they wouldn't let it, and so he just

(08:49):
they must leave. So I went up and said, girls,
you're gonna leave. And that was very embarrassing. Liza Minnelli, Hey,
Johnny was the toughest you ever got at the bar, like,
what was your like tough guys story? Did you used
to beat people up? Johnny? Well, if they got me,
if they got me upset because I changed a little.

(09:12):
You want to hear a little? Yes? Please, Hey, don't
funk with me, Get the funk out here. The dog. Yeah.
I never heard the side of you, Johnny, that ever,
at least the beat. But that happens when I'm on

(09:34):
the street. If anybody all you out of here, like
el did you hear your uncle Johnny? Do that a minute?
I have a question. I have a question for uncle Johnny.
Uncle Johnny. Now you had sex with merv Griffin? Correct? Yes? Now?
Now were you was this uh just a friendship thing?
Or did you say that you were a jiggalow and

(09:56):
he paid you for sex? No, he didn't pay me.
Did he me gave me a preceded to show? Oh yeah,
did you did you ever operate as a jiggabow? Yes?
But a very short time they wanted me to come
a hooker and uh so they said, Johnny, We're going

(10:16):
to set you up with some people. This is who's they?
Another hooker who met me on the street. She met
me through judy and everything. So he says, why why
don't you, uh, you know, because you know you could
do this? And I said, well, I don't know. It's
five hundred dollars. This is back in the six And
what did you have to do for? Was there a

(10:38):
past to bed with them? What did you have to
do like just like you know, give him a little
handy or do you have to go all the way? Well,
what I did is I got in a cab. We'd
get to the We went to the Hip, the hotel
by its central pox South the Hilt him or whatever
it is. Uh, we went there, um and we went.

(10:58):
I got out of the cab, I said that all right,
I got this and we went into the bar. You paid,
So we went into the bar. He he steals my microphone.
I got to finished the story. You're trying to cut
in the middle. He said, we go to the bar.
He honestly, what are you gonna have? I said, I'll
have this and he said he'll have a drink and
we uh because he had his room upstairs, so we

(11:20):
orded the drinks. He says, you're ready to go and
I said sure. I says, uh, can we get the
check please? I take care of that. And so that's
He looked at me and he says, how long you've
been doing this? I said not long? Why he says,
we're supposed to pay. Ever, so I went upstairs. He

(11:43):
tried to do something. I turned my back to him
and and I jerked him off from behind. I've never
been a hook to send. That was a fabulous ending.
Didn't see that coming. He turned his back to him,

(12:04):
He turned his back to him and jerked him on
from behind him or in front of him. But he
was laying in bed based on me, and I turned
around because I didn't want to look at him. That's
the worst joker ever. That's that's what they told me.
Extra good. You had one job. How much have we

(12:27):
doing on time? Oh? We got just two and a
half minutes another we got room for another story. So
uncle Johny, Uncle Johnny Johnny, did you ever sleep with women?
Didn't women pay you for sex? I know, well I
did sleep with a couple of women, and they never
paid me. But I kept getting very confused because there
was nothing there. When I went down, they had like

(12:51):
you And now I'm living the whole story in my life.
But now that's inside of me exactly now I keep
paying the Prince the price. I would love this as
a cartoon. How many how many different women have you
been with? Johnny? With that? Three were asking Danielle. One

(13:13):
of the most impressive things other than these stories and
Uncle Johnny has ever told me, is how many blenders
he could have going at once, how many drinks he
was able to make at one Time's where the Hello
Lady came from when you were talking about earlier. I
had thirty six blenders. I'd made a twenty drinks in
six minutes. And it was fifty five years ago, and

(13:37):
I was by attending and uh, everybody would be around
the handing out these drinks and I'd say hello lady
because they would say how much and that it would
be digging for money. And I had five deep at
the bar. So that's where the Hello Lady comes from. Lady,
come on, I'm busy here. Can we try to recreate that? Huh?

(13:59):
Can we try to read create that dirty seven blenders?
You know, we'll break your record. We'll get thirty seven blenders.
That was fifty five years ago. I was like twenty
four years ago. We're how many how many blenders do
you think you could do now that I'm going to
be seventy. But how many blenders could you handle? Now?

(14:21):
I do? Now? I do about six. That's still a
lot more than I could do. Good for you? How
many men could you handle it? Once? Now with your
back turned, you know it's over me that I just
enjoyed looking. Part of all of this is that Uncle
Johnny just nonchalant. LI said, I met the hookahs, you know,

(14:43):
through Judy, through Judy Garland. No, I've met them. Well,
I was bringing her route to the gay cars. Oh okay,
I had a lot of questions. Well this this is
a great what a nice surprise of her was? Drop
in podcast. Want I want to hear more of your
bouncer voice? Ye, send us off in your bouncer voice, Johnny,

(15:09):
all right, fuck up, Scarby, don't fucking with me because
you're going to be in trouble. You see, see your
asser be out the door in no time. Over that said,
he said, Uncle Johnny, Peace out everybody? All right, why

(15:32):
don't you take a bath? Fifteen minute Morning Show