Tommy Talk: NAVIGATING GRIEF

On this very vulnerable episode of “Tommy Talk,” Tommy discusses navigating grief. After the sudden loss of his long-time mentor and friend, Tommy opens up about what it’s been like going through the many different stages of grief. A lot of fear came with releasing this episode. Grief is an emotion not often shared in such a public way. But through collectively discussing something that so many of us go through, hopefully we can all feel a little less alone when we are grieving the ones we love. 

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:02):
Hey, guys, welcome to an all new episode of Tommy Talk.
This is a very raw and kind of off the
cuff episode where I feel like, I don't know, maybe
it's more for me to be honest because I'm processing
everything going on right now and trying to come to

(00:22):
terms with it. But this is something so many of
us go through, and that's grief. It's grieving the loss
of somebody that we really loved. And I've had my
share of grief in my life. You know, my grandfather
who we were all very close to. I had a

(00:42):
friend who took her own life, which was very difficult.
But I just found out a little while ago that
my mentor, the only mentor I've ever had in my life,
her name is Joanna Beckson, has passed away. And we

(01:04):
knew it was coming. I found out a few weeks ago.
I was told that my dear mentor got diagnosed with
leukemia and she was given only a few weeks left
to live, and that it was all very sudden, and
I found out through a friend. Now, this mentor of
mine was my first acting coach, and I was pursuing

(01:26):
acting out of college and thought that's what I wanted
to do until I realized it was more of a
passion and maybe not a full time job. And she
was my first coach. But more than that, she was
a mentor in creativity. She was a mentor in believing
in yourself, in never doubting what you're capable of, in

(01:48):
leading yourself through this world with nothing but kindness and
love and respect and dignity, and treating everybody how you
want to be treated. She was everything right in this world.
She was one of the best humans that I have
ever met. And when you hear that somebody is being
ripped away from this earth from a terminal disease, from cancer,

(02:09):
fuck cancer, from cancer, it's very hard to process it
because it's very sudden, and I don't know. I don't
know why things happen the way they happen in this world. Right,

(02:31):
everything happens for a reason. Do I believe that I do?
But then what's the reason for this? Right? So it's
very hard to let somebody go when it's such a
horrific way that they have to pass. So she was
diagnosed with incurable leukemia and was given weeks to months

(02:52):
to live. I found out a couple of weeks ago
because she kept it pretty quiet, so I found out
from a former classmate of mine, and we were all
just really shocked because she has the brightest light in
the world, and she's one of the most magical people
that you'll ever meet in your life. And she's someone
who truly saw me and believed in me. She's one

(03:12):
of the very first people that I actually came out to.
I was, you know, a senior in college and very
scared and didn't I hated myself so much at the
time for it. It was just my own journey I
had to go through. And she made me feel so
safe and seen and loved. And I will never forget

(03:33):
how she knew but never pressured me to come out
until I was ready, but always gave me little little
hints and signals that she's there for me when I
need her. So she was just this magical enigma of
a person who you just wanted to, you know, always
be around. And we lost contact over the years. Of course,

(03:54):
life happens and you can't always keep in touch with everybody,
but we did reconnect back in twenty twenty three and
I reached out to her and she wrote me back
and she said, it's so good to hear from you.
I'm so proud of you. I would love to get
dinner because I asked her, like, let's have dinner. I
want you to meet my husband. And you know, in

(04:15):
many ways, I want to be where I am today
if it weren't for her. So I just I was
thinking of her and I wanted to connect with her,
and and we never got that dinner. And it's hard
to not beat yourself up when somebody passes away and
you never got to do the thing that you wanted

(04:35):
to do and you set out to do. And I
don't know why we never got that dinner. I guess
life happens, and you can't always you can't always do everything.
But man, I fucking wish we had that last dinner.
I really do. And that's something that kind of eats
away at me right now, is like, oh, I wish
we had one more memory, and I can't believe we didn't.

(04:56):
And I guess that's something I'm going to have to
go through and not be myself up over, even though
it's very easy for me to do that. But I'm
just so happy we at least got to connect. But
that is something that's super hard. And another hard thing
with her passing is she wanted to be home. She

(05:17):
didn't want treatment, she didn't want to suffer through that.
I guess the writing on the wall for her was
it's incurable, so why go through any of that? And
that was her decision and her choice. And she also
didn't want to receive phone calls or text messages and
just wanted to kind of live in her space and
in the present as much as she could, and you

(05:42):
have to respect that. It was hard for me. It
was very very hard for me because I wanted to
have that last phone conversation with her. I wanted to
tell her how much she meant to me and just
reiterate how much she meant to so many people. But
she didn't want that, and you have to respect that.
And then the question becomes I was talking to a friend,

(06:03):
and it's like, who were we to feel entitled to
deciding how somebody lives their last few days or hours
or any of that. It's not up to us, it's
up to them. It's up to them how they want
to peacefully transition, God willing, and that's what she needed
and that's what she wanted. So yeah, selfishly, I'm like God,
I just wish we could have had one more chance

(06:23):
to talk, one more a goodbye, I guess, a goodbye
of some sort, but we didn't get to have that.
And I have to stop thinking about it as me.
I didn't get this. I didn't get this because it's
not about me. It's not about me. It's about what
she wanted. And if I think about it in that way,
that this is what she wanted, that she lived her

(06:45):
last few days in peace and joy and what she
wanted to do, then that's all I care about or
should care about, because that's what she's entitled to. This
is her moment. This is her moment, and that's what
she deserves. But men, what I would have given to
give her one more hug or just tell her that

(07:07):
she's done so much for me in my life and
it's really hard to not be able to say goodbye.
And maybe the lesson here is that you don't always
get to say goodbye and that's and that's okay, and
it has to be okay because that's what she wanted
and that's what was meant to happen, and for whatever reason,

(07:29):
this is how the cards unfolded. So through this grief
that I'm feeling, and trust me, it is extreme grief.
I'm also learning that death is very much about what
the other person needs and wants, and that has to
be okay, and that should bring comfort to us that

(07:53):
if her wishes in my case of my mentor, were
to pass away peacefully at home and not be on
her phone and not respond to texts or calls or facetimes,
and just be present with her immediate family, then that's
what she deserves and that should bring me peace and happiness.
And I'm realizing that it will. It will once the

(08:17):
shock of it all, once the shock of it all
wears off, it will bring me that. So this is
a Tommy talk that's super raw, and I wanted to
capture this moment of my life for you because we

(08:37):
don't always show the sadness. We don't always show the
less glamorous sides of what we do and what we
talk about. And I certainly have never put anything out
like this before. And I'm scared shitless because this is
a really vulnerable side to me that I'm not used
to putting out. But at the same time, in this

(08:58):
quest for me for trying to be more open and real,
this is something we all go through. Grief is inevitable.
Grief sucks in many ways, but it's also beautiful in
many ways because I know that this grief will never
let me forgive, forgive, will never let me forget her,

(09:22):
and I'll never forget her. I will never forget her.
She's being added to my prayer list. I will talk
to her every single night before I go to bed.
There's about five people on there who I talk to
who have passed away, and she'll be with me forever now.
And I just did an interview with an actress who's wonderful.
Her name's Lana Paria, and she told me that there
was this quote she heard where that people who have
passed you just reach out your arm and they're right there,

(09:44):
meaning that they're all around us. And I truly believe that,
and that gives me a lot of peace and hope
that that relationship will continue for the rest of my life.
But it doesn't mean that it's not hard that you
don't get to say goodbye. So what I am trying
to get to today in this Tommy talk is I'm

(10:06):
learning I'm not quite there, but I'm learning that when
you lose people you love it's not always on your
own terms, and it shouldn't be on your terms. It's
how they're choosing to move on from this life and
this world, and that has to be okay. And also
that you can't beat yourself up like I am with

(10:27):
I should have made time for that dinner. Why didn't
we make time for that dinner? Because life happens, and
for whatever reason, it wasn't supposed to happen. But it's
very easy to beat yourself up over it. And you
can't do that because it just wasn't meant to be.
And I guess lastly that grief is something we don't
talk about a lot. And if you're listening to this

(10:49):
and you're grieving anybody in your life, a pet, a person, whoever, whatever,
it's okay, allow yourself that time degree and allow yourself
moments of weakness. But then hopefully we can pick ourselves
up and carry on and apply the lessons learned and

(11:11):
the beautiful spirit of whoever is no longer with us
in our everyday life. And that's what I hope to do.
And Joanna Beckson was one of the most monumental people
in my life, and I I am definitely who I
am today because of her in many ways. So I

(11:32):
love you, Joanna, I will never forget you. Thank you
for everything you have taught me and instilled in me
in my life. And for everybody grieving, I see you.
It's a journey. We're all in this together. And just
hold the people you love close that are still with you,

(11:55):
and hold the people close that you love who are
now with you as well, because like I said, I
believe they're all around us. So thank you for hanging
out in this very different type of Tommy Talk, but
hopefully it makes you feel a little less alone in
the world. I've Never Said This Before is hosted by

(12:18):
Me Tommy Dedario. This podcast is executive produced by Andrew
Puglisi at iHeartRadio and by Me Tommy, with editing by
Joshua Colaudney. I've Never Said This Before is part of
the Elvis Duran podcast network on iHeart Podcasts. For more,
rate review and subscribe to our show and if you
liked this episode, tell your friends. Until next time, I'm

(12:42):
Tommy de Dario.