December 31, 2024 • 57 mins
Trigger Warning: This episode contains deeply personal and sensitive content that may be triggering for some listeners. It discusses experiences of trauma, including kidnapping, physical assault, and emotional abuse. The conversation covers themes of fear, survival, and recovery, as well as challenges with mental health such as complex PTSD, night terrors, and the impact of narcissistic relationships. Listener discretion is advised.
Allison is an ethereal light that remains bright in devastating circumstances. She’s faced cruelty, but in true Allison fashion has turned that into fierce empathy that overrides destruction and instead turns it into compassion. Compassion for her community, for other survivors, the lost souls of the world, and perhaps most importantly for herself.
She has used the experiences, good and bad, as an opportunity to connect. Through her art and through her words that drip with serenity, she leads with authenticity and vulnerability that allows others to feel safe enough to do the same. A recent trauma in her life had a strong possibility of breaking her beyond repair, but it’s something beautiful to see the way she has chosen to respond.
She is driven to heal out loud, as she believes that although hurt people hurt people, healing people heal people. She is overwhelmed by the grace she’s received in being spared and the support she’s received from her community.
That which could have killed her has instead given her a new appreciation for the human experience. She uses her art to speak, an outlet that has carried her and resonates as powerfully as her cadence.
To know her is to know unspeakable resilience paired with unconditional love. She is an advocate for survivors and speaks from her experience and deep understanding of mental health and trauma, she has a keen knowledge and big heart when it comes to speaking on complex PTSD, narcissistic abuse & Domestic Violence survivors, addiction, self harm, religious trauma, and queer adversity. She aims to spread awareness and empower others with similar stories, as well as prevent future victims.
Her vision & her whimsical approach to life is contagious, her insight is invaluable, and her warmth is inviting.
Allison is Created Worthy.
The Episode Rundown:
✨ Growing up in New York
✨ Suffering from Religious Trauma
✨ Discovering Photography
✨ Relationship with a Narcissist
✨ Feeling Unworthy and Unlovable
✨ Walking Through a Decade of Healing
✨ Learning How to Safely Exit an Abusive Relationship
✨ The Importance of Coping
✨ Creative Processing Through Drawing
+ SO MUCH MORE!
ALLISON’S CREATIVE PROCESSING METHOD: Drawing characters
Creative Processing Defined: Activating your creative mind to process a certain intention.
CONNECT WITH ALLISON SMITH:
TIKTOK, INSTAGRAM, AND YOUTUBE - @shakinblues
ART ACCOUNTS - @groovyforest
CALLING ALL FEMALE BUSINESS LEADERS:
HEART SOUL STRENGTH IS HERE!
Are you a woman in business who finds it difficult at times to balance your work, family, and faith? Do you feel disconnected from your purpose because of the constant distractions and demand to perform in your everyday life?
Are you ready to rise into leadership with all your heart, soul, and strength?
Join the community.
WEBSITE: https://heartsoulstrength.org/ ← FREE LEADERS GUIDE AVAILABLE!
Donations made before the end of the 2024 receive a special thank-you gift!
RISE LEADERSHIP CONFERENCE: https://heartsoulstrength.org/event
INSTAGRAM - https://www.instagram.com/heart.soul.strength.ministry/
<Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:03):
Hey friend, I'm Danielle Damrell,and I am so grateful that you're
listening to the created worthy podcast.
This show is all about honoring the lifestories of women from different ages,
beliefs, backgrounds, and experiences.
Everyone's got a story.
And instead of getting stuck in the trapof unworthiness, this is a safe place
(00:23):
for stories to be shared on this show.
We chat about the transformativepower of creative processing too,
and how we can utilize our God givencreativity with intention to heal,
grow, find joy, create simplicityin the midst of our chaotic lives.
So pull up a seat at our tablebecause we are all created worthy.
(00:50):
Wee oo, wee oo, wee oo.
Trigger warning.
At Created Worthy.
We honor and protect the storiesthat are both shared and heard here.
This episode contains discussions ofsensitive and potentially triggering
topics, including domestic violence,religious abuse, physical violence, Sexual
assault, eating disorders, and kidnapping.
(01:12):
We understand that these topics maybe difficult for some listeners.
So we encourage you to carefor your heart and your mind as
you engage with this episode.
If at any point you need to pause,step away, return at another time, or
just skip this episode, we understand.
Please feel free to do so.
Our goal is always to create a safe andrespectful space for stories to be shared
(01:35):
with dignity and heard with compassion.
Thank you so much forjoining us on this journey.
Hello, welcome back to thecreated worthy podcast today.
I'm joined by another worthywarrior, Alison Smith.
(01:58):
Alison is an ethereal light that remainsbright in devastating circumstances.
She's faced cruelty, but in true Alisonfashion has turned that into fierce
empathy that overrides destructionand instead turns it into compassion.
Compassion for her community, for othersurvivors, the lost souls of the world,
(02:19):
and perhaps most importantly, herself.
She has used the experiences, goodand bad, as an opportunity to connect.
Through her art and through her wordsthat drip with serenity, she leads with
authenticity and vulnerability that allowsothers to feel safe enough to do the same.
A recent trauma in her life had the strongpossibility of breaking her beyond repair.
(02:43):
But it's something beautiful to seethe way that she's chosen to respond.
She is driven to heal out loud.
She believes that although hurt people,hurt people, healing people, heal people,
she is overwhelmed by the grace thatshe's received in being spared and the
support she's received from her community.
(03:05):
That which could have killedher has instead given her a new
appreciation for the human experience.
She uses her art to speak, an outletthat has carried her and resonates
as powerfully as her cadence.
To know her.
is to know unspeakable resiliencepaired with unconditional love.
She is an advocate for survivorsand speaks from experience and deep
(03:29):
understanding of mental health and trauma.
She has a keen knowledge and big heartwhen it comes to speaking on complex
PTSD, narcissistic abuse, and domesticviolence survivors, addiction, self harm,
religious trauma, and queer adversity.
She aims to spread awareness andempower others with similar stories,
(03:50):
as well as prevent future victims.
Her vision and whimsical approach tolife is contagious, and her insight is
valuable, and her warmth is inviting.
Allison, thank you so much for joiningme on the Created Worthy Podcast.
I can't wait for my listeners to heareven more about your real life story.
(04:11):
Yeah, I'm honored to be here.
It's yeah, such an honor to have you here.
You have gone through so much and evenlike recent right now we are recording
and it's in the beginning of December,but I actually just connected with you
a few weeks ago after you shared anexperience that happened in October,
so we'll get into that in a little bit.
(04:31):
But before we do that, Allison, can youtake us back to the early chapters of
your life where you were born and raisedand what was the environment like that
shaped your experiences growing up?
We'd love for you to paint us apicture of those formative years.
I was born in Pennsylvania, but I, anda little bit of my early childhoods in
(04:55):
Indiana, and then I moved to where Ilive currently, Rochester, New York.
I think as a kid, I always.
I was like an old soul, but that camewith like bad stuff too, because I
would get so overly stressed out.
Like I had the stressof a middle aged woman.
(05:18):
I was so stressed out.
Like I was very pensive as a child,like in head in the clouds all the
time, definitely ADHD, but I think itwas more inattentive at that point.
And in my adulthood, I'm like, I don'tknow, but I, and I was perceived as shy a
(05:38):
lot, but I think it was because I reallyI've never the loudest person in the room.
I don't like that.
And I think a lot about what I say.
Since a kid and some of that wasdriven by, fear of rejection, fear
of being embarrassed, but a lot ofit too was just a thoughtful person
(06:01):
and like always have been aware ofthe energy I put out even as a kid.
I was bullied a lot.
I have some severe religious traumabecause I was in a private Christian
school from the ages of like fourth,middle of fourth grade to 10th grade.
(06:21):
And so it was like 24 people in my class.
And the teachers, especiallythe elementary school
teachers, were just cruel.
They were, they made me feelso insignificant and not smart.
I felt dumb all the time.
And it was just because Ilearned in a different way.
(06:44):
And I think in a, in my own ways, if Ihad been, my gifts had been worked with.
I excel in those things,I'm a communicator.
I really love writing.
I really, I love art likethere's, things that I couldn't
have thrived doing and I did.
But then I just always, no matterwhat, I was so scared of disappointing.
(07:08):
And so it had me in a chokehold, and Ithink some of these older teachers that
this is their life, they get a littlepower over a group of kids, but there was
just a lot of moments I was humiliatedand like I said, just called dumb and in
front of class I was called out one time.
for being in special ed.
(07:30):
I had the answers that day becauseI had gotten my homework finished.
I was so excited because I never hadthe answers for math, horrible math.
So I was answering along with my otherbuddy that was in special ed and we were
just so excited to be able to contribute.
Again, we felt unworthy.
(07:53):
And so, in the middle of class, Don'tknow why, but the teacher came over
because the student teacher was incharge of that class and she came over
and she stopped class and she said, whyare you proud of being in special ed?
Yeah.
Are you serious?
(08:15):
She said, stop.
She was like, basically stoptrying to get attention.
She was like, let other people answer.
It's not something to be proudof that you're in special ed.
And so my buddy, James he said, we werefifth grade and he puts his head under
the desk and I remember him just sobbingand I was holding back tears because
(08:37):
it was just there was a lot of momentslike that, where it was just not an
environment where I could grow at all.
And so I think when Istarted to become a teenager.
I played on my dumbness, like I, Itried to, make it into my personality.
(08:58):
I think that I still struggle withthat today, but I was like, if I'm
considered ditzy and not smart,then I'm going to lean into it.
And I, and really you just learndifferently and you're creative.
Exactly.
And it was, it's just, it wassuch a contained environment, the
dress coat, everything, every day.
(09:19):
I was getting the messagethat I'm not enough and.
left out.
I was bullied a lot, like severely andteachers didn't do anything to intervene.
And, but I remember sixth grade, itwas like, I had the best teacher.
He actually won several awards.
I called him a few years agoand I just said, thank you.
(09:41):
You're the first person inschool that told me I was smart
and that I was wasting that.
And he did things differently.
He would take us out and we'd go huntingfor gnomes or everything was created.
Some days we wouldn'teven do math or science.
Like it was all hands on.
You would teach us what plants,are edible and just take us on
(10:04):
adventures, came up with the best andcreative writing was just, I thrived
in that the prompts, everything.
So I started.
Believing I was smart, but againmy colleagues, my peers did
not, because of my report cards.
And it was so weird because whenI went to public school, there's
(10:24):
a lot of people that fail classes.
Like it's pretty common, butnobody had ever failed a class.
And so it was like that levelof, so when I had D's and F's in
certain classes, it was just likeoutcasts that was equated with.
popularity and so yeah, there's alot of times I was called out for
(10:45):
not knowing the answer or beingspacing out or whatever it may be.
And yeah, and then thatwas like my teenage years.
And I discovered Flickr.
It's like an online photography thing.
And I made so many friends on there.
Like my photography blew up and I was.
(11:10):
I had a whole that between that andTumblr, I had found like my people and
I give a lot of credit to that, theinternet can be not very good for you
sometimes, but there are times where itreally helps you connect with community.
That's what I'm experiencingwith TikTok right now.
And so I was.
(11:30):
Chronically online throughout high school.
And were you still in the privateChristian school at the time?
Yeah, when I was doing that and then goingto public school, all I knew is, fear.
Like I pictured high school as Degrassi.
(11:51):
Yeah, high school musical.
We were the wildcats to public school.
I had 60 people in my class,but in the school was a circle.
I for days, I, it was too many people.
I was so overstimulated.
I think I have I'm onthe spectrum as well.
A little touch of the tism, but Iget overstimulated really easy too.
(12:14):
And so that, that washard for me growing up.
And I do think a lot of that also has todo with the environment that I was brought
up in and I'm just not feeling heard.
And so going to public school afternot being popular at all, I'll like
being a pariah because of my grades.
I went to public school and I wasimmediately put in honor society.
(12:39):
I was like, top of, I, all of my Englishexam the Regents exam caught, I got 100
which is almost impossible with the curve.
I was like, wait, I am a little smart.
It just depends on, my art teacher.
I was in the musical asthe lead in the musical.
I just had so much fun and I wasgetting a taste of the real world.
(13:05):
But going into it, I was like, people aregoing to offer me trucks and they did.
It was I still didn't believethat I was liked though.
I think I've always had this innatelow self esteem and low self worth.
That's the biggest thing that Ipersonally have to I have to keep
up with and work with every day.
It's like a new, I got to reprogram,those things because negative
(13:30):
core beliefs that were, it,they're rooted so hard within me.
So I'm still uprooting those.
But I remember winning prom queen and.
I wanted to go in the bathroom and crybecause I thought it was a joke, like
that is how little I thought of myselfwas that people are making fun of me all
(13:56):
the time because I didn't feel beautiful.
I didn't feel special.
And then I was with a narcissist.
So at 13, not to mention,but at 13, I met.
My one and only boyfriend so I met himat 13 and we started officially dating at
(14:17):
16, but we were dating all through that.
And there was like, rightoff the bat, an obsession.
And I really mistake that for love.
That was during like, Twilight era.
And I was like, that's love.
Somebody watching you whileyou sleep through the window.
(14:41):
No, like all of these messages I was fed.
I really thought that'swhat love looked like.
And from the age of 14, we weretalking about getting married.
Like it was so intense for middleschoolers and everybody around us
and our friends, our families gotso attached to the idea of us.
(15:05):
Because it's cute how you see kids growingup together, middle school sweethearts,
and he didn't start showing signs,obviously, as a kid until, but he had a
few indicators that something was off, andI think narcissistic personality disorder.
Is most often, if not always a resultof childhood trauma or just so I, I
(15:35):
had a lot of sympathy for him growingup and so I didn't detect those things
and and you were a child yourself.
Who had gone through significant traumaand struggled with your worthiness.
So of course you weren't gonnadetect those things like you were
(15:56):
feeling seen and loved as a kid.
Yeah.
It was and it became mylifeline really quickly.
And I just thought it was so perfect.
Like I didn't think anyonecould love me like that.
And again, it's becauseI didn't feel lovable.
(16:19):
I felt deeply unworthy and.
As the years went by and he grew intothis personality disorder and also was
showing signs of psychopathy around,early, early adulthood is when there
was just a shift that was so scary.
And so much pressure on me.
(16:39):
I remember when he cheatedon me for the first time.
I was so broken because I truly believedthat he didn't even see other girls
because of that obsession piece of it.
Yeah, I've been bamboozled by it.
Several other narcissists after, andI think that was, oh, that beginning,
(17:03):
that idealization phase alwaysgot me because it, I mistook this.
intensity and obsession as love.
And so I needed to work onthat because it never lasted.
There was nothing substantial over it.
It was just like fireworks.
(17:25):
And it wasn't, anything deep rooted.
And so I was just devastatedas things got worse and worse.
He cheated on me more.
And I remember his parents andhis family were terrible people.
Like I've been getting into it alittle bit on my TikTok and my story
(17:47):
times and I could go on forever andever about just how messed up they
are for the things that they saw andlet happen to me and kept secret.
And, they come from a big,like megachurch family.
He's one and it's, they're very powerfuland That was my community at the time.
(18:12):
And so even more religious traumathere, definitely, it was, and there's
a lot of friends that I met throughthat, that are still my friends
today and bond over it, but it was.
Again, people so attached tous, but nobody knowing what
(18:34):
was going on in the inside.
And that became a pattern until it was,I was incapable of relating to anyone.
My head always felt like it wasmiles above me because of the
dissociation because I couldn't saywhat was really happening to me.
And so when someone asks even asimple question, how you doing?
(18:55):
What did you do this weekend?
I tell you that I don't even remember.
I was floating 20 feet above my head.
Yeah.
Here's the truth because you, ifyou heard, you would immediately
try to get me out of that situation.
Any sane person would.
And the things that I saw and lived.
(19:18):
And as his psychopathy gotworse too, that was the worst.
And I really got bad aroundlike 18, 19, 20, we had moved to
North Carolina for this big gigworking for this NASCAR driver.
And I've also been getting into that.
It's such a long story, so I'llgive cliff notes, but it was a
(19:39):
very, Like it was a big story.
I never, I was intobranding and marketing.
I had never done anything about NASCAR.
So it was just a whole new ballgame, but it was like, he had
encouraged me to quit college.
And then this was the gig we got.
And so it was my first real gig.
I had an office.
(20:01):
I was so excited.
Then I come in for our firstday after we had meetings and
talked about the direction, andwe had an interview with ESPN.
So I come into the office.
He lived in the office.
It was like a weird situation.
He is on so many Dr.
(20:22):
Like he is incoherent.
He's in psych likepsychosis, deep psychosis.
And I knew that he had this obsessionwith Steve Jobs and like these big
leader, like he thought he was reallythe next great mind of our generation.
And I shouldn't knowthat was a narcissist.
I didn't know what a narcissistwas, but just very grandiose.
(20:47):
And he.
I guess heard that Steve Jobs tookLSD, so he took so much LSD that
he would, it, it drove him mad.
Yeah.
I'm just like, dude, why?
And he's telling me that I'mstepping on the universe, that
there was helicopters coming.
(21:07):
He took, he had so many drugs that hehad bought with our moving money without
my, not, I think he took them all becausenothing was so it was just awful for
like a whole week, he wasn't sleeping.
And it was getting worse and worse.
He was not eating.
He was barely getting down water.
(21:28):
He's paranoid.
And the sketchy part of it was, andagain, this is hard to get into.
There's so many moving parts, butbasically that we were with people
that were trying to get us to signan NDA because they didn't want this.
They had other sketchy business stuffthat we would find out later but so
(21:50):
he Went too long without, and thenfinally it was like, he's going to
die if he doesn't go to the hospital.
And we took him there and heimmediately strips down naked, climbs
a statue, is running around shakingold lady's faces on their deathbed.
(22:10):
And the crazy thing is and I'magain, these are like cliff notes.
This is an iota of the story.
Yeah.
But that was the beginning Ofrealizing that he was gone.
Like the person that Ithought I knew was not there.
And so it was his grieving process.
And that was also the beginningof me realizing that I was stuck.
(22:32):
Like his parents werenormalizing it already.
I had been being groomed and theyfought to get him out of the, cause
he was mental hygiene arrested.
And in the psych ward, heneeded to be, he was homicidal.
He was.
Trying to choke me every secondlike he essayed me a lot of horrible
(22:53):
things happened and they knewand they tried to get him out.
They got him out of themental hospital in four days.
And and they got it expunged offhis record, all of this stuff
and they're his PR team, right?
And so that would go on and on andthey would get calls of him saying
(23:17):
that he's gonna kill me and thenhimself, like really dark stuff.
And that was my life.
I knew nothing else.
And my world got so smalland you were still so young.
I was.
I was a baby, and it was the onlyrelationship I had ever had, so
everything, it was all I knew, and that'sthe crazy part people would probably be
(23:41):
like why didn't you leave, that's insane,but, since 13, I've grown up with this
person, and I have the adults in thissituation, normalizing it, grooming me.
To be the perfect babysitter.
And that's what I was.
I was babysitting a homicidal threeyear old and it was just, the stories
(24:06):
of trauma throughout that my life.
was a living hell.
And what did your familysay during all of this?
So he had moved me away and hisparents like swore me to secrecy.
And I was so afraid of him.
(24:28):
I began to really think that he hadAlmost this omnipotent power, like that's
the level of brainwashing I was under.
I actually had to go through cultdeprogramming in my therapy after
because it was I was such brainwashedthat, I remember one time he tried to
swerve, he was going a hundred milesan hour on the highway to punish me.
(24:52):
He had a DUI and he's swervingand swerving, you do that often,
so I have a lot of trauma aroundcars and we got pulled over.
Inevitably, he was trashed.
And I wasn't.
I jumped in the seat for himwithout even thinking about it.
I jumped in the driver's seat and Isaid, I took it and I went and the
(25:15):
cops knew they saw all that they knewand they were like, please, honey, you
just say the word and we'll help you.
And I still, I didn't believe that.
I knew that, okay, what if you help me?
What if, when I have to go backto him, I'm gonna be, that was
(25:35):
really, the stakes were that high.
I was.
My life was constantly in danger.
I never did.
I don't remember even sleepingbecause it just was a time of constant
alertness for the next problem andprotecting him and, becoming brainwashed
by his parents and all of them.
(25:56):
And so my family didn'tknow anything, really.
They knew that he was sick.
That mental hospital incident.
I told you his parents and this businesstold me to tell my parents that he just
had a mental breakdown because of stress.
Because he is working too hard.
And that was also the narrativewas that he did so much for
(26:18):
me and that he was special.
He was a motion graphics designer.
And he had these gigs, big names would bereaching out, but he could never complete
them because he would go psychosisand I'd have to pick up the pieces.
So I, my whole life was a secret.
And that's what I mean by.
(26:39):
Not, I was so dissociated when Iwas around people for a whole year
in Wisconsin, when I got married,I wasn't able to leave the house.
And so I did end up marrying him,which is, I hadn't seen, it was right
after him when we got that job in NorthCarolina and we had to flee from that,
(27:05):
which is always what ended up happening.
We have to flee from where we were.
And he got this gig in Wisconsinand he was going to go check it out.
And I didn't, he wasn't there, formost of the summer and I was so happy,
but I didn't connect that I was sorelieved and so in my power, I, it was
(27:29):
like, I felt like everything was great.
And so I'm not seeing him,I'm not connecting that it's
because I'm away from my abuser.
And then I have his parents and everybody,more religious trauma, pushing us to
get married, saying there's no possibleway we could live together, or and I
was a virgin until marriage, by the way.
(27:51):
That's how that's howmuch I was a God rocket.
But yeah, we ended up getting married.
I was 19 and
it just never should have happened,but I was under the impression
that he was better, that hewas doing well, got this job.
His parents were telling me it was better.
(28:13):
And I would see him on theweekends and we'd go on a date.
And so he proposed to me and it wasjust like, we had been together forever.
I didn't know that there wasanother option, you know?
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(30:28):
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(30:48):
Allison,
I am so sorry that youwalked through that.
And I know that it's notMy place to apologize.
But I do want to say on behalfof me as a Christian, what
(31:12):
you went through was not okay.
It was not okay for you to gothrough that with your teachers.
It was not okay for otherstudents to bully you.
It was not okay for you tofeel unworthy and and unlovable
because you learn differently.
Our stories, as you're talking are and wecan talk about this more like off the air,
(31:33):
but are so there's so many similarities.
I also went to a Christian school.
I was also in special ed.
I graduated on a special track.
I was expelled three times.
I was in a narcissistic relationshipand but there's just so many
things and Throughout it all.
I know that as you said, oras we mentioned in your bio,
(31:57):
hurting, hurt people, hurt people,hurting people, hurt people.
And I believe that there's a lot of hurtpeople in the church and that they do not
represent the character of God himself.
And so with that being said, I do notsubscribe to any of the beliefs of the
people that have hurt you specifically.
(32:20):
Your teachers, the students, and then yourex's family, how they treated you was the
opposite of how you deserve to be treated.
The reason I started this podcast calledCreated Worthy is because I believe
by birth, we are assigned our firstinherent gift is that we are worthy and
(32:40):
that we are created by a creative God.
Thank you for listening.
Who uniquely designed us withspecial gifts and abilities.
I believe that ADHD is a superpower.
I believe that autism is a superpower.
I believe as we talked about before westarted recording like CPTSD and the
(33:01):
things that, that caused that, thosedeep pains, those, these horrible
traumas are actually what propelus to making the biggest impact.
And I hate that cliche phraseof God gives his hardest battles
to his strongest warriors.
Yes, but let's stopusing that, first of all.
But I do believe that he knows how strongyou are, and that I can see how strong
(33:28):
you are and that the people on tick tockwho have been attracted to your story or
have been like the reason that your storyhas gone so viral was not on accident and
the reason I think I'm realizing in thismoment why I felt called to reach out to
you and say there's so much more than whatyou've gone through in this Thank you.
(33:48):
public situation thatyou're sharing about.
Like I can see in you that like youare a woman of resilience and that
you carry an innate power to beable to impact and love other people
from a place of true understanding.
And that's rare.
And that should have beenhonored in you as a child.
(34:09):
That should have beenhonored in you as a teenager.
And I am so proud of you for steppinginto this as an adult and saying,
you know what, that was wrong.
I'm going to use my voice.
I'm going to call out my story.
I'm going to say the thingsthat need to be said.
How I was treated when I wasa young adult was not okay.
(34:31):
And that's good.
That's what needs to happen so thatpeople in these situations can see
that there is healing on the otherside and what the other side is.
Even can be like, like you said,your whole life was a secret.
I, there are so many people rightnow who have no idea that there's
(34:54):
another option or there are so scaredbecause leaving could mean even more
hurt or pain or potentially death.
Let's just call it what it is,especially when you're in domestic
violence situations or you're ina relationship with a narcissist.
Who's Transcribed psychoticit is really scary.
(35:15):
And so it's in these sweet, smallmoments of listening to a podcast or
coming across to TikTok video that Ibelieve God can use to inspire other
people to seek other ways, right?
Whether that's reaching out to youor reaching out to me or reaching out
to somebody who's walked in similarshoes and then, Developing a plan.
Like I would really love at this pointfor you to share a little bit about
(35:37):
how you got out of that because you'renot and you're not with him any longer.
And you have obviously stillgone through a lot since then.
But that first step of courage of gettingout of that specific relationship.
What did that look like for you?
I'll start off by saying, I think,it's hard to timeline, right?
(36:01):
Especially for you mind, but I'mtrying to paint a picture of what I
was working with, because I think, likewe've talked about, I am not my trauma.
I guess my personality, but I think Inorder to really understand and hopefully,
if you've gone through similar seeyourself in it, like you have to know, a
(36:28):
little bit about how it was, and I thinkthat's the message that I want to convey
is that you could be brand, there was nohope for me, but I kept showing myself.
that I had it in me tomake it to another day.
And sometimes survival isn'tbringing the ship to shore.
(36:52):
Sometimes it's hanging on to a pieceof wreckage and just making it.
And that's what I was going to cry.
I'm sorry, but that's correct.
Tears are welcome.
I'll cry with you.
I promise.
That's what I was doing was justday by day, moment by moment.
And the fact that.
(37:15):
I was able to keep my light when so manythings and people tried to snuff it out.
It was a miracle and not of my ownpower, but it did show me my power.
And yeah, so it was getting out.
It was, That's another thing that higherpower universe, whatever, it was all that
(37:40):
because of the situation surrounding it.
So I, I was still very young.
I think I was 23 when I left.
So it was two and a half andit was just so bad towards
the end that it was constant.
There was just.
Every day, the amount of anxiety, Iwould not wish that on my worst enemy.
(38:04):
It was like my bodywas in terror 24 seven.
And so my nervous system,all of that was struggling.
I was so weak.
I was probably a hundredpounds soaking wet.
Like I was not healthy andI'm five nine, by the way.
So that's what I look at picturesand I was dying and it was just,
(38:30):
it's what stress does to you.
It's it lives in the body andtwo, and that's an important thing
to remember as you're healing.
I love that book, the body keepsscore because it really is, it
reaches your innermost partsand that includes your body.
And so I That's the situation I was in.
And so it was like me, whathappened that, that got me out.
(38:58):
So we planned a trip to Buffalo.
My parents had a suite out there.
My mom's living in temporarilyand they let us have the suite
for my ex husband's birthday andfor my other friend's birthday.
And me and my ex got there first.
And he was not doing good.
(39:19):
He was, snorting Adderall and likedoing God knows what to this day.
Find out stuff and it'slike, how did I not know?
But he was just, on stimulants too.
He just got even moreaggressive and terrible.
And so he was abusing me and, wasgetting really violent, like physically.
(39:43):
And I was scared.
I didn't know how it was goingto go when everybody got there.
So my little brother came and our friend,my little brother was too young to go out
to the clubs, but those two were wasted.
We're at this club.
My husband is what do youtalk of, grinding on a woman,
(40:03):
looking me straight in the eye.
That's the type of taunting and just,no wonder I didn't have a good self.
And I'm watching this.
I'm repulsed.
I just want out of this aloud.
It was just a gross place to be in anyway.
And so I'm like, you guys, it's like 2.
30, we need to go back.
And so we walk out oh, my friend whosebirthday it was, he, I think we got kicked
(40:30):
out because of him actually, but whatever.
We get out of the bar, we startwalking, and then my ex tells my
friend to flip off the Buffalo Police.
Like they were on the side of the road.
And so he did and immediately theygot out and they were like, you want
(40:51):
to see they were not okay with that.
Like they were pissed.
And so I'm trying to do what I alwaysdo and just soothe the situation.
I'm a natural like peacemaker.
I like, I let both sides be, Ijust want everybody to be okay.
And so I was just like, officer, they'veclearly had way too much to drink.
(41:14):
It's his birthday.
Please are We're justa couple blocks down.
Please allow me to get them home.
And my ex rips me out of, because Iwas talking into the car, rips me away.
And he says, you're tryingto get us in trouble.
It's like blaming all this on me.
And I'm like, dude, I'mtrying to get us home.
He was like, pretending to film them.
(41:36):
It was like, so weird.
He didn't do anything wrong.
He's he's arresting usfor wrongful things.
And I was like, they're letting us go.
And because of my ex, they arrested him.
And they were like, you're toblame for your buddy going to jail.
And then they looked at me.
While he was, I don't know, hewas several feet away from me.
(41:57):
Cause I was like gone.
Like I was trying to get to the hotel.
I knew he was violent towards me.
And so I knew somethingbad was going to happen.
I wanted to get back to my brother.
So I'm like several feet away and the copstops and he says, who is that to you?
And I said that's my husband.
And he said, honey, you reallyneed to think about that.
And just left.
(42:17):
I wish they would have helped him,but my ex sees that and comes over and
is pushing me, shoving me shaking me.
We're in public, we're on thestreet and he pushes me so hard.
I'm trying to call my brotherfor backup and he takes my phone,
(42:38):
he takes my wallet, he smashes.
And throws it in the middle ofthe road, cars running over it.
So I don't have my phone now.
And so I'm running, I'm bookingit because at this point, he's
telling me that I'm going to die.
I get into a taxi and I say, just go.
I don't know that man.
Unfortunately, he heard that.
And so I was in even deeper trouble.
(43:00):
He rips me out.
And I get away and I startedrunning towards the hotel and it
was just the I went through thata lot, but this time it felt.
different like it felt like it's finallyhe talked about fantasized about killing
me all the time out loud and this waslike okay this is it for me and i'm but
(43:23):
i'm banking on my brother but also notbecause i was still in this world of i
have to hide and i have to protect yeahso i get up i run up he's screaming and
yelling getting the hotel's attentionand i finally you know i run into
the room i said keegan and He just,he's super like sleepy and he doesn't
(43:49):
realize that he at first thinks it'sjust like we're fighting and I'm trying
to calm my ex down and just how I didthat was saying it is all my fault.
You're right.
It's all my fault.
I'm so sorry.
Please forgive me.
I had to just shit on myself.
And so I'm trying to do that.
And then I'm telling him to be quietbecause twice people were coming to
(44:13):
the door to see what was going on.
And so I go in the kitchen and I'm justlike, I promise you, like I'll do better.
And he says, your fault, and thenhe starts to whisper and it was
true evil and looks at me like.
A lot of people describe narcissistsgetting those black eyes.
(44:37):
They just get these dark pupils.
And he said, it's timeyou're going to die tonight.
You're going to dietonight, like laughing.
And then he lunges at me, putsmy head on the microwave and
just starts strangling me.
And I just remember thinking, this is it.
I didn't even fight back then.
(44:58):
I'd.
Really.
I, which is so crazy to me.
I didn't, I just accepted itand I'll never understand that,
but then I hear my brother.
Oh, no, you don't.
And he rips him off.
And then he says, run Allison.
And he's, now is punching mybrother and I'm freaking out.
(45:19):
I run to the bathroom, but I don'thave my phone to call for help.
And so I'm freaking out.
And then my ex is saying, Oh, she'sgoing to go in there and cut herself.
She's going to go in there and cutherself because I had self harmed before.
And I mentioned, I, suffered with thatand it was internalized rage, but.
That was obviously not my plan and thefunny thing is he never acknowledged
(45:43):
myself harm ever before that momentand it was like he knew the whole
time, but he only chose to bringit up when it was to weaponize it
to make me seem crazy unreliable.
And I know that's whathe fed other people.
Oh, she's unstable, whatever.
And so I'm trying to get my brother'ssafety and then I put myself in the way.
(46:08):
And I say, hey, again, it's all my fault.
I'll do anything.
Let me just tuck you into bed.
Let's just go to bed.
You can do anything you want to me.
I was just doing, andit was like a script.
That's what I knew to say to work andmy brother looked at me with the most
fear in his eyes and he went for help.
(46:30):
He didn't have his contacts in,but later on he would go on to say,
Alison, the scariest part wasn'teven that he tried to kill you.
It was when I realized how usedto that you are, he said it was
just like it was normal to you.
And he said, I saw that in that momentI knew that you've been suffering.
(46:54):
And, it was so much grieving from myfamily because they knew things were off
but they never could put a finger on it.
And everybody loved me so much.
So my brother goes and gets help.
My dad comes to the doorand knocks on the door.
And I remember this moment soclearly I go to open the door and
(47:16):
I'm thinking of an excuse in my head.
How am I going to make this right?
How am I going to protect my ex?
And then I say, no, I'm going tolet whatever happens happen, which
was my first time, like saying,like trying to take some power back
and my dad comes in the room, my exjust starts laughing hysterically.
(47:40):
He says, do you know howcrazy your daughter is?
She's a drunk.
She's a this, that, and the other thing.
And my dad he took everythingin him to be calm because he
knew how brainwashed I was.
And I was at risk of being takenaway, so he had to be very careful.
(48:00):
And they were conferring with another,like a therapist, the trauma therapist
that would go on to save my life.
Diagnosed with PTSD.
And so my dad comes in andhe says, don't laugh at it.
This isn't funny.
You tried to kill my daughter.
So this is what's going to happen.
I'm going to take youget friend out of jail.
(48:24):
I'm taking you.
And then he whispered, he gave me hiskeys and he had said to the front desk.
No one takes that, that, that orangecar leaves when I say it can't.
So he was just trying to makesure that there was no way that
he tried to break free and get me.
(48:46):
And so then.
He says, Oh, and the condition is she'snot sleeping at your place tonight.
She's going to sleep with us andwe're going to figure out a solution,
but you're going to therapy.
And you would think my ex would like,take that as Oh, I got to save some
kind of face and at least pay for it.
He didn't even pay forthe therapy that my dad.
(49:09):
And so we go to therapy andthis was just, I, Locked out.
It wasn't luck.
It was definitely divine thatmy therapist knew exactly.
This was his area of expertise.
So I go in there.
We're told that we've got to prepare.
(49:29):
I don't like what I'm doing now, likea timeline of trauma and just events.
And he, I'm writing mine.
He said, this isn't about you.
Why do you make everything about you?
I'm like, this is couplestherapy, but he told me to do it.
It's this is about me and whatI've been through and hated.
He didn't.
(49:49):
So we go in there and I'mlike, this guy is just going
to buy all of what he's saying.
And it's going to make it worse.
She's going to be another person.
That feeds his ego because from thebeginning, my therapist is just very,
you're special, you, I want to hookyou up with this other videographer
and I could see you're super talented,just address him like that because
(50:14):
that's how you get them on the line.
Yeah.
That's how you talk to narcissists.
Yeah.
To get them to commit.
Yeah, exactly.
And it's a very stickything with narcissists.
And it ended up, the therapist isgoing to prioritize the victim.
And so luckily that happened,but so I go in there and I'm just
(50:36):
slumped over every time I'm askeda question, I start to speak.
He talks over me and.
He says, see, it's her fault.
It's just down, but like talking downto me in front of this person and
believing that this guy is on his page.
And he gets finally to the part where hehad just tried to strangle me and he just
(50:59):
cuts it off and goes to the bathroom.
So he was just going to leave that out.
And the therapist looked at me and hesaid, I know everything that's happening.
This next session, I'm goingto book you both individuals.
So I ended up going.
And the way that he said, you havePTSD, he said, what, I was this close
(51:20):
to intervening in that session becausethat was abuse right in front of
me, explained lightly what he was.
And that was my introduction toMPD and psychosis and all of that.
And he says, you're the one withcomplex PTSD because I always
diagnosed my ex with that because ofhis trauma and projecting my empathy.
(51:43):
And my therapist, over time, he's,and Big Little Lies, I don't know
if you've seen that, but that was Ithink I have, but it's been a minute.
Yeah, it's been an oldie, this was backin 2017, but it was on at that time,
and that, I give so much credit to thatshow, because It was what happened to me.
(52:06):
It's same but different, right?
Like our story is same butdifferent because, these
experiences are not uncommon.
And so unfortunately, and so I waswatching that and the therapist in that
was telling Nicole Kidman, okay, youneed to prepare for what happens if this
doesn't, just baby steps and, Get a placeto own, save money, all of these things.
(52:29):
And so I started putting moneyaway, not even thinking about it.
I was just, it was likesurvival in a different way.
And my therapist is slowly walking methrough it as my husband is getting more
and more aggressive each day and nowgoing into another bout of psychosis.
So towards the end, I'm stayingout until four in the morning,
(52:53):
but he's so in psychosis that hedoesn't realize it, but I don't.
And you the end of this story, this isthe exodus, he must have said something
so scary, told his plans to kill me, whichhad happened a few times with his parents,
(53:14):
but whatever he said to his parents,They drove 14 hours in the middle of the
night to come and they didn't feel theneed to tell me that I was in danger.
They never did.
Didn't care, but they did careabout him being put away for life.
So they came in the middle of thenight and I walk into the house.
(53:35):
I'm like, where is he?
It's completely pitch black.
It was like a horror movie.
I walk up the stairs andI'm like, yo, you in here?
Sorry, that's not what I said,but I can't say his name.
No.
You've done such a great job ofkeeping that out so yo it away
(53:56):
. No way otherwise . Um, I go in, and thenI finally turn, find the light, and I turn
it on, and he's on the couch, like this,and I thought that he was like, overdosed,
or dead I, he looked terrifying, the bagsunder his eyes, I thought he was dead,
but when I got closer, I realized thathe had painted his face with my makeup.
(54:19):
Which is Sephora, bro.
That is expensive.
Hopefully you got that back.
Yeah.
He has every male, a different color.
He looks so freaky.
I don't even know.
I wish.
I could explain how scared I was.
I was just like, what the, one time,side note, he had, cause he would look
(54:40):
in the mirror for hours and hours.
He thought that there is sideof his face was a different
person, a reoccurring thing.
One time he shaved half of his headbecause it was on that side and he
told me to mail it to Kendrick Lamar.
Cause it was a sacrifice for KendrickLamar, shout out to Kendrick Lamar.
I assume you didn't do that.
So you're welcome.
Kendrick Lamar.
(55:01):
Hey, friends.
So we are actually goingto pause right here.
I know that there is so much toprocess in part one of Alison's story.
So we're going to break it up.
Part two is actually goingto air on Thursday this week.
So we're going to have a bonus episodeon Thursday with the rest of her story.
(55:21):
Make sure to come back and join us sheis actually going to be sharing the
story that went viral on TikTok thathappened just a couple of months ago.
You guys.
What happened was wild and I'm gonnagive you a little teaser It all happened
(55:42):
over asking for one dime ten cents Tencents for what almost cost her her life
come back on Thursday, and we'll beTalking through Allison's story part two.
See you there
(56:10):
Thanks for listening and tuninginto the Created Worthy Podcast.
I hope that today'sshow resonated with you.
And if it did, can you do me a hugefavor and go leave a five star review?
This helps more listeners find the showand expands the reach of the stories
and concepts that are shared here.
All the links and guestinformation are in the show notes.
(56:33):
And if you're on socialmedia, come hang out with me.
You can find the created worthy podcaston both Instagram and Facebook, or
come follow along with my personalIG page, where I just share more
about the real, sometimes messylife of your fellow worthy warrior.
Can't wait to talk to you soon, friend.
And don't forget, weare all created worthy.
Hey friend, I'm Danielle Damrell,and I am so grateful that you're
listening to the created worthy podcast.
This show is all about honoring the lifestories of women from different ages,
beliefs, backgrounds, and experiences.
Everyone's got a story.
And instead of getting stuck in the trapof unworthiness, this is a safe place
(00:23):
for stories to be shared on this show.
We chat about the transformativepower of creative processing too,
and how we can utilize our God givencreativity with intention to heal,
grow, find joy, create simplicityin the midst of our chaotic lives.
So pull up a seat at our tablebecause we are all created worthy.
(00:50):
Wee oo, wee oo, wee oo.
Trigger warning.
At Created Worthy.
We honor and protect the storiesthat are both shared and heard here.
This episode contains discussions ofsensitive and potentially triggering
topics, including domestic violence,religious abuse, physical violence, Sexual
assault, eating disorders, and kidnapping.
(01:12):
We understand that these topics maybe difficult for some listeners.
So we encourage you to carefor your heart and your mind as
you engage with this episode.
If at any point you need to pause,step away, return at another time, or
just skip this episode, we understand.
Please feel free to do so.
Our goal is always to create a safe andrespectful space for stories to be shared
(01:35):
with dignity and heard with compassion.
Thank you so much forjoining us on this journey.
Hello, welcome back to thecreated worthy podcast today.
I'm joined by another worthywarrior, Alison Smith.
(01:58):
Alison is an ethereal light that remainsbright in devastating circumstances.
She's faced cruelty, but in true Alisonfashion has turned that into fierce
empathy that overrides destructionand instead turns it into compassion.
Compassion for her community, for othersurvivors, the lost souls of the world,
(02:19):
and perhaps most importantly, herself.
She has used the experiences, goodand bad, as an opportunity to connect.
Through her art and through her wordsthat drip with serenity, she leads with
authenticity and vulnerability that allowsothers to feel safe enough to do the same.
A recent trauma in her life had the strongpossibility of breaking her beyond repair.
(02:43):
But it's something beautiful to seethe way that she's chosen to respond.
She is driven to heal out loud.
She believes that although hurt people,hurt people, healing people, heal people,
she is overwhelmed by the grace thatshe's received in being spared and the
support she's received from her community.
(03:05):
That which could have killedher has instead given her a new
appreciation for the human experience.
She uses her art to speak, an outletthat has carried her and resonates
as powerfully as her cadence.
To know her.
is to know unspeakable resiliencepaired with unconditional love.
She is an advocate for survivorsand speaks from experience and deep
(03:29):
understanding of mental health and trauma.
She has a keen knowledge and big heartwhen it comes to speaking on complex
PTSD, narcissistic abuse, and domesticviolence survivors, addiction, self harm,
religious trauma, and queer adversity.
She aims to spread awareness andempower others with similar stories,
(03:50):
as well as prevent future victims.
Her vision and whimsical approach tolife is contagious, and her insight is
valuable, and her warmth is inviting.
Allison, thank you so much for joiningme on the Created Worthy Podcast.
I can't wait for my listeners to heareven more about your real life story.
(04:11):
Yeah, I'm honored to be here.
It's yeah, such an honor to have you here.
You have gone through so much and evenlike recent right now we are recording
and it's in the beginning of December,but I actually just connected with you
a few weeks ago after you shared anexperience that happened in October,
so we'll get into that in a little bit.
(04:31):
But before we do that, Allison, can youtake us back to the early chapters of
your life where you were born and raisedand what was the environment like that
shaped your experiences growing up?
We'd love for you to paint us apicture of those formative years.
I was born in Pennsylvania, but I, anda little bit of my early childhoods in
(04:55):
Indiana, and then I moved to where Ilive currently, Rochester, New York.
I think as a kid, I always.
I was like an old soul, but that camewith like bad stuff too, because I
would get so overly stressed out.
Like I had the stressof a middle aged woman.
(05:18):
I was so stressed out.
Like I was very pensive as a child,like in head in the clouds all the
time, definitely ADHD, but I think itwas more inattentive at that point.
And in my adulthood, I'm like, I don'tknow, but I, and I was perceived as shy a
(05:38):
lot, but I think it was because I reallyI've never the loudest person in the room.
I don't like that.
And I think a lot about what I say.
Since a kid and some of that wasdriven by, fear of rejection, fear
of being embarrassed, but a lot ofit too was just a thoughtful person
(06:01):
and like always have been aware ofthe energy I put out even as a kid.
I was bullied a lot.
I have some severe religious traumabecause I was in a private Christian
school from the ages of like fourth,middle of fourth grade to 10th grade.
(06:21):
And so it was like 24 people in my class.
And the teachers, especiallythe elementary school
teachers, were just cruel.
They were, they made me feelso insignificant and not smart.
I felt dumb all the time.
And it was just because Ilearned in a different way.
(06:44):
And I think in a, in my own ways, if Ihad been, my gifts had been worked with.
I excel in those things,I'm a communicator.
I really love writing.
I really, I love art likethere's, things that I couldn't
have thrived doing and I did.
But then I just always, no matterwhat, I was so scared of disappointing.
(07:08):
And so it had me in a chokehold, and Ithink some of these older teachers that
this is their life, they get a littlepower over a group of kids, but there was
just a lot of moments I was humiliatedand like I said, just called dumb and in
front of class I was called out one time.
for being in special ed.
(07:30):
I had the answers that day becauseI had gotten my homework finished.
I was so excited because I never hadthe answers for math, horrible math.
So I was answering along with my otherbuddy that was in special ed and we were
just so excited to be able to contribute.
Again, we felt unworthy.
(07:53):
And so, in the middle of class, Don'tknow why, but the teacher came over
because the student teacher was incharge of that class and she came over
and she stopped class and she said, whyare you proud of being in special ed?
Yeah.
Are you serious?
(08:15):
She said, stop.
She was like, basically stoptrying to get attention.
She was like, let other people answer.
It's not something to be proudof that you're in special ed.
And so my buddy, James he said, we werefifth grade and he puts his head under
the desk and I remember him just sobbingand I was holding back tears because
(08:37):
it was just there was a lot of momentslike that, where it was just not an
environment where I could grow at all.
And so I think when Istarted to become a teenager.
I played on my dumbness, like I, Itried to, make it into my personality.
(08:58):
I think that I still struggle withthat today, but I was like, if I'm
considered ditzy and not smart,then I'm going to lean into it.
And I, and really you just learndifferently and you're creative.
Exactly.
And it was, it's just, it wassuch a contained environment, the
dress coat, everything, every day.
(09:19):
I was getting the messagethat I'm not enough and.
left out.
I was bullied a lot, like severely andteachers didn't do anything to intervene.
And, but I remember sixth grade, itwas like, I had the best teacher.
He actually won several awards.
I called him a few years agoand I just said, thank you.
(09:41):
You're the first person inschool that told me I was smart
and that I was wasting that.
And he did things differently.
He would take us out and we'd go huntingfor gnomes or everything was created.
Some days we wouldn'teven do math or science.
Like it was all hands on.
You would teach us what plants,are edible and just take us on
(10:04):
adventures, came up with the best andcreative writing was just, I thrived
in that the prompts, everything.
So I started.
Believing I was smart, but againmy colleagues, my peers did
not, because of my report cards.
And it was so weird because whenI went to public school, there's
(10:24):
a lot of people that fail classes.
Like it's pretty common, butnobody had ever failed a class.
And so it was like that levelof, so when I had D's and F's in
certain classes, it was just likeoutcasts that was equated with.
popularity and so yeah, there's alot of times I was called out for
(10:45):
not knowing the answer or beingspacing out or whatever it may be.
And yeah, and then thatwas like my teenage years.
And I discovered Flickr.
It's like an online photography thing.
And I made so many friends on there.
Like my photography blew up and I was.
(11:10):
I had a whole that between that andTumblr, I had found like my people and
I give a lot of credit to that, theinternet can be not very good for you
sometimes, but there are times where itreally helps you connect with community.
That's what I'm experiencingwith TikTok right now.
And so I was.
(11:30):
Chronically online throughout high school.
And were you still in the privateChristian school at the time?
Yeah, when I was doing that and then goingto public school, all I knew is, fear.
Like I pictured high school as Degrassi.
(11:51):
Yeah, high school musical.
We were the wildcats to public school.
I had 60 people in my class,but in the school was a circle.
I for days, I, it was too many people.
I was so overstimulated.
I think I have I'm onthe spectrum as well.
A little touch of the tism, but Iget overstimulated really easy too.
(12:14):
And so that, that washard for me growing up.
And I do think a lot of that also has todo with the environment that I was brought
up in and I'm just not feeling heard.
And so going to public school afternot being popular at all, I'll like
being a pariah because of my grades.
I went to public school and I wasimmediately put in honor society.
(12:39):
I was like, top of, I, all of my Englishexam the Regents exam caught, I got 100
which is almost impossible with the curve.
I was like, wait, I am a little smart.
It just depends on, my art teacher.
I was in the musical asthe lead in the musical.
I just had so much fun and I wasgetting a taste of the real world.
(13:05):
But going into it, I was like, people aregoing to offer me trucks and they did.
It was I still didn't believethat I was liked though.
I think I've always had this innatelow self esteem and low self worth.
That's the biggest thing that Ipersonally have to I have to keep
up with and work with every day.
It's like a new, I got to reprogram,those things because negative
(13:30):
core beliefs that were, it,they're rooted so hard within me.
So I'm still uprooting those.
But I remember winning prom queen and.
I wanted to go in the bathroom and crybecause I thought it was a joke, like
that is how little I thought of myselfwas that people are making fun of me all
(13:56):
the time because I didn't feel beautiful.
I didn't feel special.
And then I was with a narcissist.
So at 13, not to mention,but at 13, I met.
My one and only boyfriend so I met himat 13 and we started officially dating at
(14:17):
16, but we were dating all through that.
And there was like, rightoff the bat, an obsession.
And I really mistake that for love.
That was during like, Twilight era.
And I was like, that's love.
Somebody watching you whileyou sleep through the window.
(14:41):
No, like all of these messages I was fed.
I really thought that'swhat love looked like.
And from the age of 14, we weretalking about getting married.
Like it was so intense for middleschoolers and everybody around us
and our friends, our families gotso attached to the idea of us.
(15:05):
Because it's cute how you see kids growingup together, middle school sweethearts,
and he didn't start showing signs,obviously, as a kid until, but he had a
few indicators that something was off, andI think narcissistic personality disorder.
Is most often, if not always a resultof childhood trauma or just so I, I
(15:35):
had a lot of sympathy for him growingup and so I didn't detect those things
and and you were a child yourself.
Who had gone through significant traumaand struggled with your worthiness.
So of course you weren't gonnadetect those things like you were
(15:56):
feeling seen and loved as a kid.
Yeah.
It was and it became mylifeline really quickly.
And I just thought it was so perfect.
Like I didn't think anyonecould love me like that.
And again, it's becauseI didn't feel lovable.
(16:19):
I felt deeply unworthy and.
As the years went by and he grew intothis personality disorder and also was
showing signs of psychopathy around,early, early adulthood is when there
was just a shift that was so scary.
And so much pressure on me.
(16:39):
I remember when he cheatedon me for the first time.
I was so broken because I truly believedthat he didn't even see other girls
because of that obsession piece of it.
Yeah, I've been bamboozled by it.
Several other narcissists after, andI think that was, oh, that beginning,
(17:03):
that idealization phase alwaysgot me because it, I mistook this.
intensity and obsession as love.
And so I needed to work onthat because it never lasted.
There was nothing substantial over it.
It was just like fireworks.
(17:25):
And it wasn't, anything deep rooted.
And so I was just devastatedas things got worse and worse.
He cheated on me more.
And I remember his parents andhis family were terrible people.
Like I've been getting into it alittle bit on my TikTok and my story
(17:47):
times and I could go on forever andever about just how messed up they
are for the things that they saw andlet happen to me and kept secret.
And, they come from a big,like megachurch family.
He's one and it's, they're very powerfuland That was my community at the time.
(18:12):
And so even more religious traumathere, definitely, it was, and there's
a lot of friends that I met throughthat, that are still my friends
today and bond over it, but it was.
Again, people so attached tous, but nobody knowing what
(18:34):
was going on in the inside.
And that became a pattern until it was,I was incapable of relating to anyone.
My head always felt like it wasmiles above me because of the
dissociation because I couldn't saywhat was really happening to me.
And so when someone asks even asimple question, how you doing?
(18:55):
What did you do this weekend?
I tell you that I don't even remember.
I was floating 20 feet above my head.
Yeah.
Here's the truth because you, ifyou heard, you would immediately
try to get me out of that situation.
Any sane person would.
And the things that I saw and lived.
(19:18):
And as his psychopathy gotworse too, that was the worst.
And I really got bad aroundlike 18, 19, 20, we had moved to
North Carolina for this big gigworking for this NASCAR driver.
And I've also been getting into that.
It's such a long story, so I'llgive cliff notes, but it was a
(19:39):
very, Like it was a big story.
I never, I was intobranding and marketing.
I had never done anything about NASCAR.
So it was just a whole new ballgame, but it was like, he had
encouraged me to quit college.
And then this was the gig we got.
And so it was my first real gig.
I had an office.
(20:01):
I was so excited.
Then I come in for our firstday after we had meetings and
talked about the direction, andwe had an interview with ESPN.
So I come into the office.
He lived in the office.
It was like a weird situation.
He is on so many Dr.
(20:22):
Like he is incoherent.
He's in psych likepsychosis, deep psychosis.
And I knew that he had this obsessionwith Steve Jobs and like these big
leader, like he thought he was reallythe next great mind of our generation.
And I shouldn't knowthat was a narcissist.
I didn't know what a narcissistwas, but just very grandiose.
(20:47):
And he.
I guess heard that Steve Jobs tookLSD, so he took so much LSD that
he would, it, it drove him mad.
Yeah.
I'm just like, dude, why?
And he's telling me that I'mstepping on the universe, that
there was helicopters coming.
(21:07):
He took, he had so many drugs that hehad bought with our moving money without
my, not, I think he took them all becausenothing was so it was just awful for
like a whole week, he wasn't sleeping.
And it was getting worse and worse.
He was not eating.
He was barely getting down water.
(21:28):
He's paranoid.
And the sketchy part of it was, andagain, this is hard to get into.
There's so many moving parts, butbasically that we were with people
that were trying to get us to signan NDA because they didn't want this.
They had other sketchy business stuffthat we would find out later but so
(21:50):
he Went too long without, and thenfinally it was like, he's going to
die if he doesn't go to the hospital.
And we took him there and heimmediately strips down naked, climbs
a statue, is running around shakingold lady's faces on their deathbed.
(22:10):
And the crazy thing is and I'magain, these are like cliff notes.
This is an iota of the story.
Yeah.
But that was the beginning Ofrealizing that he was gone.
Like the person that Ithought I knew was not there.
And so it was his grieving process.
And that was also the beginningof me realizing that I was stuck.
(22:32):
Like his parents werenormalizing it already.
I had been being groomed and theyfought to get him out of the, cause
he was mental hygiene arrested.
And in the psych ward, heneeded to be, he was homicidal.
He was.
Trying to choke me every secondlike he essayed me a lot of horrible
(22:53):
things happened and they knewand they tried to get him out.
They got him out of themental hospital in four days.
And and they got it expunged offhis record, all of this stuff
and they're his PR team, right?
And so that would go on and on andthey would get calls of him saying
(23:17):
that he's gonna kill me and thenhimself, like really dark stuff.
And that was my life.
I knew nothing else.
And my world got so smalland you were still so young.
I was.
I was a baby, and it was the onlyrelationship I had ever had, so
everything, it was all I knew, and that'sthe crazy part people would probably be
(23:41):
like why didn't you leave, that's insane,but, since 13, I've grown up with this
person, and I have the adults in thissituation, normalizing it, grooming me.
To be the perfect babysitter.
And that's what I was.
I was babysitting a homicidal threeyear old and it was just, the stories
(24:06):
of trauma throughout that my life.
was a living hell.
And what did your familysay during all of this?
So he had moved me away and hisparents like swore me to secrecy.
And I was so afraid of him.
(24:28):
I began to really think that he hadAlmost this omnipotent power, like that's
the level of brainwashing I was under.
I actually had to go through cultdeprogramming in my therapy after
because it was I was such brainwashedthat, I remember one time he tried to
swerve, he was going a hundred milesan hour on the highway to punish me.
(24:52):
He had a DUI and he's swervingand swerving, you do that often,
so I have a lot of trauma aroundcars and we got pulled over.
Inevitably, he was trashed.
And I wasn't.
I jumped in the seat for himwithout even thinking about it.
I jumped in the driver's seat and Isaid, I took it and I went and the
(25:15):
cops knew they saw all that they knewand they were like, please, honey, you
just say the word and we'll help you.
And I still, I didn't believe that.
I knew that, okay, what if you help me?
What if, when I have to go backto him, I'm gonna be, that was
(25:35):
really, the stakes were that high.
I was.
My life was constantly in danger.
I never did.
I don't remember even sleepingbecause it just was a time of constant
alertness for the next problem andprotecting him and, becoming brainwashed
by his parents and all of them.
(25:56):
And so my family didn'tknow anything, really.
They knew that he was sick.
That mental hospital incident.
I told you his parents and this businesstold me to tell my parents that he just
had a mental breakdown because of stress.
Because he is working too hard.
And that was also the narrativewas that he did so much for
(26:18):
me and that he was special.
He was a motion graphics designer.
And he had these gigs, big names would bereaching out, but he could never complete
them because he would go psychosisand I'd have to pick up the pieces.
So I, my whole life was a secret.
And that's what I mean by.
(26:39):
Not, I was so dissociated when Iwas around people for a whole year
in Wisconsin, when I got married,I wasn't able to leave the house.
And so I did end up marrying him,which is, I hadn't seen, it was right
after him when we got that job in NorthCarolina and we had to flee from that,
(27:05):
which is always what ended up happening.
We have to flee from where we were.
And he got this gig in Wisconsinand he was going to go check it out.
And I didn't, he wasn't there, formost of the summer and I was so happy,
but I didn't connect that I was sorelieved and so in my power, I, it was
(27:29):
like, I felt like everything was great.
And so I'm not seeing him,I'm not connecting that it's
because I'm away from my abuser.
And then I have his parents and everybody,more religious trauma, pushing us to
get married, saying there's no possibleway we could live together, or and I
was a virgin until marriage, by the way.
(27:51):
That's how that's howmuch I was a God rocket.
But yeah, we ended up getting married.
I was 19 and
it just never should have happened,but I was under the impression
that he was better, that hewas doing well, got this job.
His parents were telling me it was better.
(28:13):
And I would see him on theweekends and we'd go on a date.
And so he proposed to me and it wasjust like, we had been together forever.
I didn't know that there wasanother option, you know?
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to make a kingdom impact inwhatever role you're serving in.
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(30:48):
Allison,
I am so sorry that youwalked through that.
And I know that it's notMy place to apologize.
But I do want to say on behalfof me as a Christian, what
(31:12):
you went through was not okay.
It was not okay for you to gothrough that with your teachers.
It was not okay for otherstudents to bully you.
It was not okay for you tofeel unworthy and and unlovable
because you learn differently.
Our stories, as you're talking are and wecan talk about this more like off the air,
(31:33):
but are so there's so many similarities.
I also went to a Christian school.
I was also in special ed.
I graduated on a special track.
I was expelled three times.
I was in a narcissistic relationshipand but there's just so many
things and Throughout it all.
I know that as you said, oras we mentioned in your bio,
(31:57):
hurting, hurt people, hurt people,hurting people, hurt people.
And I believe that there's a lot of hurtpeople in the church and that they do not
represent the character of God himself.
And so with that being said, I do notsubscribe to any of the beliefs of the
people that have hurt you specifically.
(32:20):
Your teachers, the students, and then yourex's family, how they treated you was the
opposite of how you deserve to be treated.
The reason I started this podcast calledCreated Worthy is because I believe
by birth, we are assigned our firstinherent gift is that we are worthy and
(32:40):
that we are created by a creative God.
Thank you for listening.
Who uniquely designed us withspecial gifts and abilities.
I believe that ADHD is a superpower.
I believe that autism is a superpower.
I believe as we talked about before westarted recording like CPTSD and the
(33:01):
things that, that caused that, thosedeep pains, those, these horrible
traumas are actually what propelus to making the biggest impact.
And I hate that cliche phraseof God gives his hardest battles
to his strongest warriors.
Yes, but let's stopusing that, first of all.
But I do believe that he knows how strongyou are, and that I can see how strong
(33:28):
you are and that the people on tick tockwho have been attracted to your story or
have been like the reason that your storyhas gone so viral was not on accident and
the reason I think I'm realizing in thismoment why I felt called to reach out to
you and say there's so much more than whatyou've gone through in this Thank you.
(33:48):
public situation thatyou're sharing about.
Like I can see in you that like youare a woman of resilience and that
you carry an innate power to beable to impact and love other people
from a place of true understanding.
And that's rare.
And that should have beenhonored in you as a child.
(34:09):
That should have beenhonored in you as a teenager.
And I am so proud of you for steppinginto this as an adult and saying,
you know what, that was wrong.
I'm going to use my voice.
I'm going to call out my story.
I'm going to say the thingsthat need to be said.
How I was treated when I wasa young adult was not okay.
(34:31):
And that's good.
That's what needs to happen so thatpeople in these situations can see
that there is healing on the otherside and what the other side is.
Even can be like, like you said,your whole life was a secret.
I, there are so many people rightnow who have no idea that there's
(34:54):
another option or there are so scaredbecause leaving could mean even more
hurt or pain or potentially death.
Let's just call it what it is,especially when you're in domestic
violence situations or you're ina relationship with a narcissist.
Who's Transcribed psychoticit is really scary.
(35:15):
And so it's in these sweet, smallmoments of listening to a podcast or
coming across to TikTok video that Ibelieve God can use to inspire other
people to seek other ways, right?
Whether that's reaching out to youor reaching out to me or reaching out
to somebody who's walked in similarshoes and then, Developing a plan.
Like I would really love at this pointfor you to share a little bit about
(35:37):
how you got out of that because you'renot and you're not with him any longer.
And you have obviously stillgone through a lot since then.
But that first step of courage of gettingout of that specific relationship.
What did that look like for you?
I'll start off by saying, I think,it's hard to timeline, right?
(36:01):
Especially for you mind, but I'mtrying to paint a picture of what I
was working with, because I think, likewe've talked about, I am not my trauma.
I guess my personality, but I think Inorder to really understand and hopefully,
if you've gone through similar seeyourself in it, like you have to know, a
(36:28):
little bit about how it was, and I thinkthat's the message that I want to convey
is that you could be brand, there was nohope for me, but I kept showing myself.
that I had it in me tomake it to another day.
And sometimes survival isn'tbringing the ship to shore.
(36:52):
Sometimes it's hanging on to a pieceof wreckage and just making it.
And that's what I was going to cry.
I'm sorry, but that's correct.
Tears are welcome.
I'll cry with you.
I promise.
That's what I was doing was justday by day, moment by moment.
And the fact that.
(37:15):
I was able to keep my light when so manythings and people tried to snuff it out.
It was a miracle and not of my ownpower, but it did show me my power.
And yeah, so it was getting out.
It was, That's another thing that higherpower universe, whatever, it was all that
(37:40):
because of the situation surrounding it.
So I, I was still very young.
I think I was 23 when I left.
So it was two and a half andit was just so bad towards
the end that it was constant.
There was just.
Every day, the amount of anxiety, Iwould not wish that on my worst enemy.
(38:04):
It was like my bodywas in terror 24 seven.
And so my nervous system,all of that was struggling.
I was so weak.
I was probably a hundredpounds soaking wet.
Like I was not healthy andI'm five nine, by the way.
So that's what I look at picturesand I was dying and it was just,
(38:30):
it's what stress does to you.
It's it lives in the body andtwo, and that's an important thing
to remember as you're healing.
I love that book, the body keepsscore because it really is, it
reaches your innermost partsand that includes your body.
And so I That's the situation I was in.
And so it was like me, whathappened that, that got me out.
(38:58):
So we planned a trip to Buffalo.
My parents had a suite out there.
My mom's living in temporarilyand they let us have the suite
for my ex husband's birthday andfor my other friend's birthday.
And me and my ex got there first.
And he was not doing good.
(39:19):
He was, snorting Adderall and likedoing God knows what to this day.
Find out stuff and it'slike, how did I not know?
But he was just, on stimulants too.
He just got even moreaggressive and terrible.
And so he was abusing me and, wasgetting really violent, like physically.
(39:43):
And I was scared.
I didn't know how it was goingto go when everybody got there.
So my little brother came and our friend,my little brother was too young to go out
to the clubs, but those two were wasted.
We're at this club.
My husband is what do youtalk of, grinding on a woman,
(40:03):
looking me straight in the eye.
That's the type of taunting and just,no wonder I didn't have a good self.
And I'm watching this.
I'm repulsed.
I just want out of this aloud.
It was just a gross place to be in anyway.
And so I'm like, you guys, it's like 2.
30, we need to go back.
And so we walk out oh, my friend whosebirthday it was, he, I think we got kicked
(40:30):
out because of him actually, but whatever.
We get out of the bar, we startwalking, and then my ex tells my
friend to flip off the Buffalo Police.
Like they were on the side of the road.
And so he did and immediately theygot out and they were like, you want
(40:51):
to see they were not okay with that.
Like they were pissed.
And so I'm trying to do what I alwaysdo and just soothe the situation.
I'm a natural like peacemaker.
I like, I let both sides be, Ijust want everybody to be okay.
And so I was just like, officer, they'veclearly had way too much to drink.
(41:14):
It's his birthday.
Please are We're justa couple blocks down.
Please allow me to get them home.
And my ex rips me out of, because Iwas talking into the car, rips me away.
And he says, you're tryingto get us in trouble.
It's like blaming all this on me.
And I'm like, dude, I'mtrying to get us home.
He was like, pretending to film them.
(41:36):
It was like, so weird.
He didn't do anything wrong.
He's he's arresting usfor wrongful things.
And I was like, they're letting us go.
And because of my ex, they arrested him.
And they were like, you're toblame for your buddy going to jail.
And then they looked at me.
While he was, I don't know, hewas several feet away from me.
(41:57):
Cause I was like gone.
Like I was trying to get to the hotel.
I knew he was violent towards me.
And so I knew somethingbad was going to happen.
I wanted to get back to my brother.
So I'm like several feet away and the copstops and he says, who is that to you?
And I said that's my husband.
And he said, honey, you reallyneed to think about that.
And just left.
(42:17):
I wish they would have helped him,but my ex sees that and comes over and
is pushing me, shoving me shaking me.
We're in public, we're on thestreet and he pushes me so hard.
I'm trying to call my brotherfor backup and he takes my phone,
(42:38):
he takes my wallet, he smashes.
And throws it in the middle ofthe road, cars running over it.
So I don't have my phone now.
And so I'm running, I'm bookingit because at this point, he's
telling me that I'm going to die.
I get into a taxi and I say, just go.
I don't know that man.
Unfortunately, he heard that.
And so I was in even deeper trouble.
(43:00):
He rips me out.
And I get away and I startedrunning towards the hotel and it
was just the I went through thata lot, but this time it felt.
different like it felt like it's finallyhe talked about fantasized about killing
me all the time out loud and this waslike okay this is it for me and i'm but
(43:23):
i'm banking on my brother but also notbecause i was still in this world of i
have to hide and i have to protect yeahso i get up i run up he's screaming and
yelling getting the hotel's attentionand i finally you know i run into
the room i said keegan and He just,he's super like sleepy and he doesn't
(43:49):
realize that he at first thinks it'sjust like we're fighting and I'm trying
to calm my ex down and just how I didthat was saying it is all my fault.
You're right.
It's all my fault.
I'm so sorry.
Please forgive me.
I had to just shit on myself.
And so I'm trying to do that.
And then I'm telling him to be quietbecause twice people were coming to
(44:13):
the door to see what was going on.
And so I go in the kitchen and I'm justlike, I promise you, like I'll do better.
And he says, your fault, and thenhe starts to whisper and it was
true evil and looks at me like.
A lot of people describe narcissistsgetting those black eyes.
(44:37):
They just get these dark pupils.
And he said, it's timeyou're going to die tonight.
You're going to dietonight, like laughing.
And then he lunges at me, putsmy head on the microwave and
just starts strangling me.
And I just remember thinking, this is it.
I didn't even fight back then.
(44:58):
I'd.
Really.
I, which is so crazy to me.
I didn't, I just accepted itand I'll never understand that,
but then I hear my brother.
Oh, no, you don't.
And he rips him off.
And then he says, run Allison.
And he's, now is punching mybrother and I'm freaking out.
(45:19):
I run to the bathroom, but I don'thave my phone to call for help.
And so I'm freaking out.
And then my ex is saying, Oh, she'sgoing to go in there and cut herself.
She's going to go in there and cutherself because I had self harmed before.
And I mentioned, I, suffered with thatand it was internalized rage, but.
That was obviously not my plan and thefunny thing is he never acknowledged
(45:43):
myself harm ever before that momentand it was like he knew the whole
time, but he only chose to bringit up when it was to weaponize it
to make me seem crazy unreliable.
And I know that's whathe fed other people.
Oh, she's unstable, whatever.
And so I'm trying to get my brother'ssafety and then I put myself in the way.
(46:08):
And I say, hey, again, it's all my fault.
I'll do anything.
Let me just tuck you into bed.
Let's just go to bed.
You can do anything you want to me.
I was just doing, andit was like a script.
That's what I knew to say to work andmy brother looked at me with the most
fear in his eyes and he went for help.
(46:30):
He didn't have his contacts in,but later on he would go on to say,
Alison, the scariest part wasn'teven that he tried to kill you.
It was when I realized how usedto that you are, he said it was
just like it was normal to you.
And he said, I saw that in that momentI knew that you've been suffering.
(46:54):
And, it was so much grieving from myfamily because they knew things were off
but they never could put a finger on it.
And everybody loved me so much.
So my brother goes and gets help.
My dad comes to the doorand knocks on the door.
And I remember this moment soclearly I go to open the door and
(47:16):
I'm thinking of an excuse in my head.
How am I going to make this right?
How am I going to protect my ex?
And then I say, no, I'm going tolet whatever happens happen, which
was my first time, like saying,like trying to take some power back
and my dad comes in the room, my exjust starts laughing hysterically.
(47:40):
He says, do you know howcrazy your daughter is?
She's a drunk.
She's a this, that, and the other thing.
And my dad he took everythingin him to be calm because he
knew how brainwashed I was.
And I was at risk of being takenaway, so he had to be very careful.
(48:00):
And they were conferring with another,like a therapist, the trauma therapist
that would go on to save my life.
Diagnosed with PTSD.
And so my dad comes in andhe says, don't laugh at it.
This isn't funny.
You tried to kill my daughter.
So this is what's going to happen.
I'm going to take youget friend out of jail.
(48:24):
I'm taking you.
And then he whispered, he gave me hiskeys and he had said to the front desk.
No one takes that, that, that orangecar leaves when I say it can't.
So he was just trying to makesure that there was no way that
he tried to break free and get me.
(48:46):
And so then.
He says, Oh, and the condition is she'snot sleeping at your place tonight.
She's going to sleep with us andwe're going to figure out a solution,
but you're going to therapy.
And you would think my ex would like,take that as Oh, I got to save some
kind of face and at least pay for it.
He didn't even pay forthe therapy that my dad.
(49:09):
And so we go to therapy andthis was just, I, Locked out.
It wasn't luck.
It was definitely divine thatmy therapist knew exactly.
This was his area of expertise.
So I go in there.
We're told that we've got to prepare.
(49:29):
I don't like what I'm doing now, likea timeline of trauma and just events.
And he, I'm writing mine.
He said, this isn't about you.
Why do you make everything about you?
I'm like, this is couplestherapy, but he told me to do it.
It's this is about me and whatI've been through and hated.
He didn't.
(49:49):
So we go in there and I'mlike, this guy is just going
to buy all of what he's saying.
And it's going to make it worse.
She's going to be another person.
That feeds his ego because from thebeginning, my therapist is just very,
you're special, you, I want to hookyou up with this other videographer
and I could see you're super talented,just address him like that because
(50:14):
that's how you get them on the line.
Yeah.
That's how you talk to narcissists.
Yeah.
To get them to commit.
Yeah, exactly.
And it's a very stickything with narcissists.
And it ended up, the therapist isgoing to prioritize the victim.
And so luckily that happened,but so I go in there and I'm just
(50:36):
slumped over every time I'm askeda question, I start to speak.
He talks over me and.
He says, see, it's her fault.
It's just down, but like talking downto me in front of this person and
believing that this guy is on his page.
And he gets finally to the part where hehad just tried to strangle me and he just
(50:59):
cuts it off and goes to the bathroom.
So he was just going to leave that out.
And the therapist looked at me and hesaid, I know everything that's happening.
This next session, I'm goingto book you both individuals.
So I ended up going.
And the way that he said, you havePTSD, he said, what, I was this close
(51:20):
to intervening in that session becausethat was abuse right in front of
me, explained lightly what he was.
And that was my introduction toMPD and psychosis and all of that.
And he says, you're the one withcomplex PTSD because I always
diagnosed my ex with that because ofhis trauma and projecting my empathy.
(51:43):
And my therapist, over time, he's,and Big Little Lies, I don't know
if you've seen that, but that was Ithink I have, but it's been a minute.
Yeah, it's been an oldie, this was backin 2017, but it was on at that time,
and that, I give so much credit to thatshow, because It was what happened to me.
(52:06):
It's same but different, right?
Like our story is same butdifferent because, these
experiences are not uncommon.
And so unfortunately, and so I waswatching that and the therapist in that
was telling Nicole Kidman, okay, youneed to prepare for what happens if this
doesn't, just baby steps and, Get a placeto own, save money, all of these things.
(52:29):
And so I started putting moneyaway, not even thinking about it.
I was just, it was likesurvival in a different way.
And my therapist is slowly walking methrough it as my husband is getting more
and more aggressive each day and nowgoing into another bout of psychosis.
So towards the end, I'm stayingout until four in the morning,
(52:53):
but he's so in psychosis that hedoesn't realize it, but I don't.
And you the end of this story, this isthe exodus, he must have said something
so scary, told his plans to kill me, whichhad happened a few times with his parents,
(53:14):
but whatever he said to his parents,They drove 14 hours in the middle of the
night to come and they didn't feel theneed to tell me that I was in danger.
They never did.
Didn't care, but they did careabout him being put away for life.
So they came in the middle of thenight and I walk into the house.
(53:35):
I'm like, where is he?
It's completely pitch black.
It was like a horror movie.
I walk up the stairs andI'm like, yo, you in here?
Sorry, that's not what I said,but I can't say his name.
No.
You've done such a great job ofkeeping that out so yo it away
(53:56):
. No way otherwise . Um, I go in, and thenI finally turn, find the light, and I turn
it on, and he's on the couch, like this,and I thought that he was like, overdosed,
or dead I, he looked terrifying, the bagsunder his eyes, I thought he was dead,
but when I got closer, I realized thathe had painted his face with my makeup.
(54:19):
Which is Sephora, bro.
That is expensive.
Hopefully you got that back.
Yeah.
He has every male, a different color.
He looks so freaky.
I don't even know.
I wish.
I could explain how scared I was.
I was just like, what the, one time,side note, he had, cause he would look
(54:40):
in the mirror for hours and hours.
He thought that there is sideof his face was a different
person, a reoccurring thing.
One time he shaved half of his headbecause it was on that side and he
told me to mail it to Kendrick Lamar.
Cause it was a sacrifice for KendrickLamar, shout out to Kendrick Lamar.
I assume you didn't do that.
So you're welcome.
Kendrick Lamar.
(55:01):
Hey, friends.
So we are actually goingto pause right here.
I know that there is so much toprocess in part one of Alison's story.
So we're going to break it up.
Part two is actually goingto air on Thursday this week.
So we're going to have a bonus episodeon Thursday with the rest of her story.
(55:21):
Make sure to come back and join us sheis actually going to be sharing the
story that went viral on TikTok thathappened just a couple of months ago.
You guys.
What happened was wild and I'm gonnagive you a little teaser It all happened
(55:42):
over asking for one dime ten cents Tencents for what almost cost her her life
come back on Thursday, and we'll beTalking through Allison's story part two.
See you there
(56:10):
Thanks for listening and tuninginto the Created Worthy Podcast.
I hope that today'sshow resonated with you.
And if it did, can you do me a hugefavor and go leave a five star review?
This helps more listeners find the showand expands the reach of the stories
and concepts that are shared here.
All the links and guestinformation are in the show notes.
(56:33):
And if you're on socialmedia, come hang out with me.
You can find the created worthy podcaston both Instagram and Facebook, or
come follow along with my personalIG page, where I just share more
about the real, sometimes messylife of your fellow worthy warrior.
Can't wait to talk to you soon, friend.
And don't forget, weare all created worthy.
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