July 8, 2025 • 37 mins
Want to know what's really going on with you...and everyone you date? MTV's renowned "Love Doc" Dr. Gilda Carle stops by to talk about how to strategize your best relationships, what's changed over the last three decades in the dating world, her suprising source of romantic inspriation, what men and women need to do better, and much, much more!
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
This is Pod Popular Podcast for the People, the.
Speaker 2 (00:08):
Great Love Debate. It's the Great Love Debate, the Great
Love Debate.
Speaker 1 (00:16):
It's a Great Love Debaate.
Speaker 2 (00:18):
Hi again, Everyone's Brian Howie. Welcome to the Great Love Debate,
the world's number one dating and a relationship podcast since
twenty fifteen. I am back here in the very fine
studios of Pod Popular Podcasts for the People. I am
at the one in Scottsdale, Arizona. Is absolutely lovely in Scottsdale, Arizona.
Somebody emailed me the other day like, they said that you
(00:40):
like recording in Scottsdale better than all the other places
you record, And I said, I think because I like
Scottsdale better than all the other places you record. Although
it's a very fine studio, I am very very hesitant
to ever use the words relationship expert on this show
because I think it's the one thing that no, no,
but He's mastered. But I am going to push that
(01:03):
envelope as close as I can that I have somebody
who probably we graded everything on the curve. You remember
what grading on the curve is. It's whether there was
a scale of who knows the least and who knows
the most. I believe I have the person who knows
the most, or at least has had more conversations with
more people and more forums about more subjects than anybody else.
She's written a whole bunch of books on it, She's
(01:23):
been on just about every possible television network about it.
I don't want to age her too much, but she's
been doing this a long long time. She knows where
all the love bodies are buried. The Lovely Doctor, Gilda Carl,
How are you fine?
Speaker 1 (01:35):
Thank you for having me here?
Speaker 2 (01:37):
What did MTV call you the love Goddess?
Speaker 1 (01:40):
Thanks so much for upping that.
Speaker 3 (01:42):
Oh but the love Doc the love Doc, and I
couldn't get rid of the title here. I was teaching
at a university and everybody said, get the love doc
to weigh in on this loving business subject.
Speaker 2 (01:55):
No, you have been the go to person on just
about every media outlied for a long long time. I
want to get you in here. Why did you become
interested in this subject matter?
Speaker 3 (02:05):
I wrote my doctoral dissertation many many years ago on
interpersonal relationships and self concept, and that all washed into
how people relate, and I was finding that there were
so many problems with interpersonal relationships, and nobody was really
delving deep enough into them. So I thought, this is
(02:30):
something that fascinates me.
Speaker 2 (02:31):
And why do you think it was that we don't
dive deep into them because of what I said earlier,
nobody's really mastered it, or because it hits too close
to home for a lot of people. Somebody told me
once there's no there's a lot of shows about lawyers,
but there's very few even episodes about divorce lawyers because
somebody's like even the people create them, it hits too
close to home.
Speaker 1 (02:53):
It's the fear factor once again.
Speaker 3 (02:55):
People are terrified of getting too close to what really
is making them tick. If something is touching them all
that much, then they got to run away from it.
And then you see, and this challenged me, So if
they have to run away from it, well I want
(03:17):
to run where they're going.
Speaker 2 (03:19):
Yeah, I think that's true. You're the moth to the flame.
They if somebody asked me this the other day, they go,
You're ever gonna run on a things to talk about?
And I go, no, because it's the one thing that
everybody has experience with good or bad. Everybody has an
opinion on everybody has anecdotes from everybody, has pain from everybody.
(03:41):
It's the one thing that unites us all is this
constant quest, struggle, hope for a fulfilling relationship.
Speaker 3 (03:51):
Even those who do not want to admit it. People
have told me, oh, I'm not after a relationship.
Speaker 2 (03:57):
Now we say that all the time.
Speaker 1 (04:01):
Who's away, man?
Speaker 2 (04:02):
We know I say that all the time in my show.
That No, I hear it all the time. Okay, Either
they don't trust that it's possible, or they don't know
how to find it. Because if you gave the ones
who're like I just want to have fun, if you
gave them, if you had a notary in here and
gave them a document and said, if you sign this,
(04:22):
I can give you a happy, loving, sharing, fulfilling, honest
relationship with one other person, would you sign for that?
They would if they could trust it. They don't trust
that it's possible, or they don't trust the notary. I
don't know, but they do want it. The ones are like,
I just want a fun I'm good, I want I'm
happy being alone. No you're not.
Speaker 1 (04:42):
No, you're not. That is such bs. We know better
than that.
Speaker 3 (04:47):
Everybody is meant to interact, right, and your most fulfilling,
most beautiful, and most wonderful relationship is the one that
you have with yourself. And if they can not have
relationships with other people, it's only because they have not
established themselves as grounded people who can connect with themselves first.
(05:10):
In order to say I love you, it has to
come with a capital I.
Speaker 2 (05:15):
I think it does. We are wired to be in
relations we are wired to couple mate, whatever the unattractive
term you want to say, have sex. Yeah, we're wired
to be together. We're wired to want another person, and
so to deny our fundamental wiring or to lock it
off or to shut it off or I mean, you
need to go see a therapist, probably before you go
(05:36):
on a date. But you have to deal with the
why on that. You can't just spend like, I don't know,
I'm just happy being alone. I think you have to
understand why.
Speaker 1 (05:44):
I don't really think they're really happy being alone.
Speaker 3 (05:46):
And you don't know what happens under their roof when
the doors are close. You don't know how much they're crying,
how much they're watching the Wholemark channel, apologies to Hallmark,
but you don't know what's really happening, and when girlfriends
get together, I'll let you in on this little secret pride.
When girlfriends get together, we always talk about men.
Speaker 2 (06:08):
Oh yeah, and.
Speaker 3 (06:11):
This goes across the board with CEOs that I have
counseled with, people who are on lower levels of the
corporate echelon, who I have worked with, everybody is interested
in talking about men.
Speaker 1 (06:29):
The women.
Speaker 2 (06:30):
Yes, oh there's bars, restaurants within fifty feet of here
filled with women talking about men, complaining about men, wanting
men wear. Now, I'm not saying the men won't talk
about the women, but they won't talk about it as
openly as honestly with a group of women. They might
talk about how she looked or what she did, or
that's all the superficial stuff, right, They're walled off. So
(06:52):
I'm not saying it's unhealthy for the women to let
it out and do that. They process it a little
bit better than men. Some girl sixteen years old might
have rejected them or paid no attention to them. They
might that might manifest itself when they're fifty two years
old in a relationship because they don't process it. You
said to me, like, I think you go to therapy
like me, You like sensed my wounds.
Speaker 1 (07:15):
Come on.
Speaker 3 (07:16):
I've been in this business for quite a while and
I have a pretty good third eye. I'm able to
scope out people who are sensitive and people who are
walled off. Yeah, I mean that's that's pretty obvious to me.
It's not obvious to a lot of people, but I have.
Speaker 2 (07:32):
Very not be walled off. It's an easier way to
go through with the blinders on and the walls up
and emotionally unavailable. It is. It has a ceiling on it,
but it also as a higher floor.
Speaker 1 (07:45):
And when does this ceiling get met?
Speaker 2 (07:48):
The ceiling gets met when you realize that life is
not as fulfilling as you probably hope it could be,
or hurt it could be, and you're like, I'm going
through this life in this sort of middle emotional bandwidth,
and at some point you feel confident enough or comfortable
enough that you're willing to be vulnerable enough to put
more chips on the table and go for it. Right.
Speaker 3 (08:08):
Ah, I think there's something more to that. I think
that it reaches its peak when they recognize that.
Speaker 1 (08:18):
Something is missing and they don't want to deal with
anything beyond the something is missing, but they know that
they're miserable. They on some level.
Speaker 3 (08:33):
I can't believe that they can't imagine that they are
not narcissistic, and it's gotten to them that they can't give.
Speaker 1 (08:43):
And the beautiful thing about relationships.
Speaker 3 (08:46):
Is the giving and receiving. I just turned to a
guy recently and said, you have a problem with receiving,
don't you?
Speaker 1 (08:55):
And he was just taken aback.
Speaker 2 (08:57):
He said, yeah, because they don't feel worthy worthy.
Speaker 1 (09:00):
It all comes down to.
Speaker 2 (09:02):
Trust, the concept and worthy, and that could go back
to childhood. You didn't receive the love that your parents,
grandparents' family gave to you. You didn't learn how to
properly and I'm one of these people. You didn't learn
how to properly absorb it, and so getting it from
new people is scary.
Speaker 1 (09:21):
Or maybe the kind of love that they were getting.
Speaker 2 (09:24):
Was not healthy right, or it wasn't something that sort
of matched their wiring. So you've been doing this a
long time again, not to age you. How have things
changed since shared doing this? And how's the dialogue at
least changed?
Speaker 3 (09:40):
Well, now there's more hiding, more hiding than I have
ever seen before. The ghosting and the bread crumbing and
the gas lighting and all the other things that we have.
Speaker 1 (09:49):
These beautiful, fancy words for.
Speaker 3 (09:52):
In essence, it's all hiding, it's running from right. And
because of that, the people that they leave in their
midst are pissed off. They are furious, and they don't
know what to do and how to correct it. And
of course, if they're kind of if they have a
(10:15):
shabby self esteem, they'll say, well, what did I do wrong?
If I could only have If I could only have
been more beautiful, thinner, richer, right, I mean, whatever, whatever
it is, if only I could have been. And the
truth is they were putting out the best they could, right,
(10:36):
And for everybody out there who is listening, please understand,
you did the best you could with all the information
you had at that moment.
Speaker 1 (10:46):
And now it's up to the other person because it
has to be a give and take.
Speaker 2 (10:51):
It has to be a give and take, and some
people don't natarily give and take as overtly. Maybe how
we communicate with each other. Maybe she did feel that
way or he felt that way, and they just didn't
communicate it in a way that the other person could
hear and accept.
Speaker 1 (11:09):
And God forbid, we should share our feelings.
Speaker 2 (11:12):
Oh I know, I heard from a lot of women
all the time. I'm like, she's like, yeah, I thought
we had a good time, and he didn't ask me
out again. And I go, well, maybe he couldn't tell
that you had a good time, And she's like, he
could tell. No, he probably couldn't tell. It's a level
only dogs can hear. These women say, well, I put
out all the signals that we want.
Speaker 3 (11:31):
I didn't.
Speaker 2 (11:31):
I did no idea we have Sometimes the men have
no idea because a lot of the time the dialogue
is coming from the man, you look beautiful, would you
like to go out? This was great? And she's probably
at best saying thank you. That's not the same as
him hearing the words back. And a lot of women
are like, I shouldn't have to spell it out for him.
You have to spell it out for him.
Speaker 1 (11:50):
Sometimes, Sorry, I'm afraid you're right.
Speaker 2 (11:54):
I don't want to I don't want to be right.
But a lot of times this you know yin and yang,
mars and venus, you know, whatever we want to say,
we know that we do not communicate to each other
in the same way, in the same decibels and the
same anything. Yet we don't take the steps to try
(12:16):
and understand either ourselves or our partners or the relationship
enough to properly work through the muck to get to
the other side and be a good relationship.
Speaker 1 (12:26):
I want to put a footnote on something that you said.
Speaker 3 (12:29):
Okay, you said even dogs, no that that only dogs
can hear. I think even dogs cannot hear. It's so bad,
it's so.
Speaker 2 (12:39):
It's so obscure. This woman came to one of our
live shows in Chicago and she goes, this is what
I do when I when I like a guy, to
let him know that I like him. She was a
statue like, I'm like, what did you just do? She's
like it's very subtle. I'm like, it's too subtle. What
did you do? She like, I moved my eye brought
us like, I go, nobody ever would see that. And
(13:00):
she's like, the ones who I'm interested will see that.
I go, nobody will see that. And I asked her.
We had a big crowd, I asked the audience, and
people are like, what are you talking about? And she
was so stubborn and so basically putting it out there
that only the man who would pick up on my
signal as a man worthy enough for me but she
is subconsciously or consciously making that signal so obscure that
(13:21):
then she's like, oh, I just haven't found a man
to pick it up instead of taking a responsibility.
Speaker 3 (13:25):
Oh god, I wrote a book called one of my
many books, I wrote a book called I'm Worth Loving.
Here's why the book sold and continues to sell so well,
because people don't understand that they are worth loving. They are,
and they don't understand why if you can't put it
(13:45):
out there that you are, you walk into that room
and you take that room over, well, then you better
see somebody to work on that.
Speaker 2 (13:55):
Well, how do you do that? Then that's a good question.
That's my next point. Somebody who does not feel worth loving,
worthy of love, how do you get them to flip
the switch? How do you convince them that where everybody
is in some way worth loving?
Speaker 3 (14:09):
Well, if I said, if I said on this podcast,
how about seeing a therapist?
Speaker 2 (14:15):
Yeah, I know, And then a lot of people are like,
I can't afford a therapist, Okay, I can't afford Then
read my book. I mean.
Speaker 1 (14:21):
There are millions of self help out.
Speaker 2 (14:23):
There, and it's easier than ever. There's more information out there.
You can watch YouTube videos. You can, yes, if you don't.
Speaker 3 (14:28):
Want to read a book, if you're not a reader,
watch YouTube videos to do whatever it takes for you
to get out of what you consider yourself in your
comfort zone.
Speaker 2 (14:38):
Because a lot of people are scared of the answers.
Of course, they're scared to discover why either they are
unlovable or they feel unlovable. That's too scary for them.
Not everybody wants to pick up the rock and see
all the bugs that have crawled beneath it like that
is a scary proposition. You have to be ready for
the answers, good or bad. When I first started going
to therapy, I was looking for a therapist that would
(14:59):
tell me I was awesome and there was nothing wrong
with me. Stop coming to me. I should pay you
to hear me. I was looking for that in the therapist.
Tough to find.
Speaker 1 (15:09):
Every time I walked onto a talk show.
Speaker 3 (15:12):
I did all the talk shows, especially Sally Jesse Rafael
for years and years. Every time I would walk on,
somebody in who's sitting on the stage would say, oh,
oh she's here today, Oh my god.
Speaker 1 (15:23):
Because with me, you get the truth.
Speaker 2 (15:25):
Yeah, no bullshit, this, no bull Yeah.
Speaker 1 (15:28):
I know what's the sense otherwise, And I do this
in my life.
Speaker 3 (15:30):
I walk my talk. I have to be my own
authentic person. I spent years in therapy too. I did
everything you've done. I've done that and more years crying
on the couch, years going through all of this, and
I came out of the dark tunnel into the light,
(15:52):
and I realized that I can help other people, and
they've got to be open to be helped.
Speaker 1 (15:58):
And that's number one.
Speaker 2 (16:00):
We are gonna cry on the couch some more. In
a minute, I gotta take a quick break because we
don't pay for things like couches and therapy. Around here,
I'm with doctor Gildakarl. We're diving into all sorts of
boy and girl things. But we will be back right
after this. And we are back. And you gave me
a book a couple of weeks ago. What's the prince?
(16:20):
Give me the sorry? The book's around here. What's the title?
Speaker 1 (16:24):
Don't bet on the Prince?
Speaker 2 (16:26):
What does that mean?
Speaker 3 (16:27):
How to have the man you want for betting on yourself?
And the interesting thing about that book, and it became.
Speaker 1 (16:33):
A cult, a cult book.
Speaker 3 (16:37):
It's interesting because I based it on business principles. Now
I'm very heavily into Sun Sue the Art of War,
and I write everything with that in mind, because the
true objective.
Speaker 2 (16:50):
I need to read the Art of War to have
better relationships.
Speaker 1 (16:53):
Yes, problem absolutely, because in the battle arm.
Speaker 3 (16:57):
Objective, No, the true objective war is peace right and
people don't realize that. And that's what I want to
get across to everybody, to understand that you are not
put on this earth to be fighting and arguing and everything.
Speaker 1 (17:14):
I met this.
Speaker 3 (17:15):
Guy who had a mentality like a fifteen year old
teenage boy. Everything anybody said to him was no, and
he dug his heels into the sand with each statement,
and everybody else made his it was always no.
Speaker 1 (17:33):
And he didn't even realize that. And I said, my god,
you're like my fifteen year old, my former fifteen year
old stepson, who would say no automatically. And think about that.
You have to hear your own words. That is very,
very important.
Speaker 3 (17:49):
Leave a tape recorder on as you talk to people
on the telephone. Here, the way you react here, the
way you emote or not emote.
Speaker 2 (17:58):
That's very that's a real good point. And I know
that in this studio a lot of people, you know,
do podcasts and they haven't quite heard their voice for
the first time, and the like is that how I sound?
Or they'll listen to it and let's say, oh I
say almelat, I say like a lot like people don't
know their tone in regular conversation. They certainly don't know
their tone or their words when emotion is involved, and
(18:18):
they don't know how things might be getting across, and
they don't know how they're They sometimes imagine that they
said certain things or said certain things in a certain way,
and the other person is like, that is not what
I got out of that at all. Well.
Speaker 3 (18:32):
One of the tricks in order to be sure that
you're that the other person is hearing that what you
are saying is to ask the person to reiterate what
you said, tod, Did I say that right?
Speaker 1 (18:45):
Put it, Put.
Speaker 3 (18:46):
Yourself out there as somebody who needs correcting, and say,
did I say that right? Did that come out right?
What did you hear me say? And let that person
feed it back to you.
Speaker 2 (18:58):
That could have been I know you're right, and in
a perfect world that works, but that could lead to
a fight when they're repeating it back and I'm like,
oh my god, that's not, well, you're not listening to
me everything.
Speaker 1 (19:10):
Yeah, I understand.
Speaker 2 (19:11):
I've had girlfriends say to me one time, I only
kind of half listen to everything from anybody. I go,
that's really frustrating when that's going to be frustrating in
business or personal that you're kind of hearing every third word,
Like there's important matters that you have to be present
for and you have to absorb, and you do have
to hit back the ping pong ball to the other
(19:32):
person to let them know that you're at least you
don't have to agree with it, but you do have
to receive it right.
Speaker 3 (19:38):
Listening is the nicest thing you can do for somebody,
and we don't. We are not a good listening culture.
We're horrible. As a matter of fact, I've done a
lot of corporate training. I've done I do a lot.
I continue to do a lot of media training, and
it has to do with listening to the other side
before you respond. But in this crazy culture, until you
(20:01):
get your chance to speak, you're not happy.
Speaker 2 (20:04):
I know.
Speaker 3 (20:04):
So it's a matter of okay, when will this person
shut up so I can get my two says right?
Speaker 2 (20:09):
I tell them men all the time. She doesn't need
to be right, but she does need to be heard bingo,
and that is sometimes hard for people to understand. It's
like you have to let her. There could be reasons
why she feels or thinks or says certain things a
certain way that have absolutely nothing to do with you.
It probably don't, Probably don't. You just have to hear her.
That is really important to her, a lot more than
(20:31):
it is to men. The men do want to be right.
I don't want you to hear me unless you think
I'm right. You know, it's a waste, which is I
know that's another problem. Yeah, I agree, that's chapter three.
What is the first Take therapy out of it for
a second, but the first I think the big picture
(20:52):
answers always lie outside your comfort zone. I think you
have to take chances, and that's hard. As a first step,
the first step is getting comfortable having conversations with other
people without romantic intent. No, nope, what is it?
Speaker 3 (21:09):
First step is to know yourself, know what you're comfortable with,
know what makes you uncomfortable, and be able to accept
all of that.
Speaker 2 (21:19):
The list of what makes people uncomfortable or they don't like,
they've thought about much more than what makes them comfortable.
Speaker 1 (21:28):
Culture.
Speaker 2 (21:29):
People don't take the time to think about what they
like because halfway through that meditative exercise, they're like, accept
that one guy who did this, and then it turns
into the negative. So you have to think positively, well,
what do I want to get out of my day?
What do I want to get out of this encounter?
What do I want to get this relationship? And sort
of start slow, set some achievable goals, right the old
(21:51):
you know, you've got to make the bed, get something accomplished.
Speaker 3 (21:53):
I think the best thing that everybody can do before
they go to sleep every single night is think what
one thing was the best thing that happened today?
Speaker 1 (22:05):
What are the three best things that happened today?
Speaker 2 (22:07):
What I learned today?
Speaker 3 (22:08):
Yeah, what did I learn today? You know, we would
be better writing these things down. We would so that
we are not angry when we wake up. You know,
people tell me all the time, watching the news at
night makes me crazy.
Speaker 1 (22:22):
I can't I get angry. I got so upset. Right, Well,
don't watch the news. That's all negative stuff.
Speaker 3 (22:29):
I've been in the media for years and years and
so have you, and you know, when it bleeds, it leads, right,
And that's all they care about.
Speaker 1 (22:36):
They're interested in selling shock.
Speaker 2 (22:38):
Leave your day with some positivity. Yeah. I know someone
who before she goes to bed, she has to swipe
on twenty people online to get twenty matches. And I'm like, why,
First of all, you're stim laying your brain online. But
I'm gonna go, I go, do you need to go
to bed with validation? Is that what you need to
know that you're still attractive at the end of the day.
(22:59):
And she's like, yeah, I just need to know that,
Like it helps me understand that somebody might like me.
I go, they don't. They just think you're attracted. I
don't know about that. And I'm like, this is there's
a gotta be a better.
Speaker 1 (23:09):
Way, and there's a book for that. I'm worth loving.
Here's why.
Speaker 3 (23:13):
Okay, but you said something on your one of your
podcasts that was fascinating to me, and it was so
insightful and for a man with therapy obviously.
Speaker 1 (23:23):
Who knew what he was talking about.
Speaker 3 (23:24):
You said, have your bad paraphrase, have your man stand
in front of you for protection, on the side of you,
for love, behind you, for belief.
Speaker 2 (23:36):
Yes, that was a pretty good paraphrase.
Speaker 1 (23:38):
Yeah, I did that.
Speaker 2 (23:39):
Was right, and I tell the three things that he
can do. Yeah, in front of her for protection, beside
her for love, love, and behind her to believe.
Speaker 1 (23:54):
What how does the belief come into play?
Speaker 2 (23:58):
It means that I think you're in whatever you're doing
a lot of times your partner, man, woman, whatever that is,
needs to know. I think it's easier to find somebody
to love you than to believe in you. And that
is the rarest thing, you know. I think I have
probably had a I don't know, on a good day,
(24:20):
a dozen people probably love me. I think I've had
two people in my whole life, career, whatever that I
can say without any equivocation. They believed in me and
they changed my life, and they made me feel better
about myself, and they did more for me than anybody.
I think people are desperately looking for that outside of
their nuclear family. They are looking for somebody to really
(24:43):
believe that they are good enough, positive enough, talented enough,
whatever is you need. And so she's like, I'm going
to go start this business, I am going to go
run this half marathon. You letting her know that I
believe in you and I stand behind you in all
of your endeavors. Rather than saying, why are you doing that?
(25:03):
That's a waste of time. What do you need to
do that for? Aren't you busy bringing people down? And
a lot of partners that are We're in been in
a relationship a long time. I can say this to
somebody because we've been married for fifteen years. None of no, no, no,
no no. They need to know that if they have
imagination or a whim or a passion or a curiosity
to do something, that you need to support that.
Speaker 1 (25:25):
And that is really important to me because I've been
in this business a very long time.
Speaker 3 (25:30):
I've changed my advice to people over the years, and
I had a nonprofit for homeless female veterans.
Speaker 1 (25:39):
They taught me a lot.
Speaker 3 (25:42):
They taught me what they say in battle is I
have your six got you six and six meaning twelve six,
I got your back?
Speaker 1 (25:53):
Oh. And now my whole thing with people who I
advise is does he have your back? Does she have
your back? This is essential. And I even wrote a.
Speaker 2 (26:08):
Book I Fall, Will You Catch Me? That is so important.
Speaker 3 (26:12):
I wrote this book called Don't Lie on Your Back
for a guy who doesn't have yours?
Speaker 1 (26:18):
Crappy English, but man, that book is selling like crazy.
Speaker 3 (26:22):
I know, because it's a good thought, because yeah, if
if don't lie on your back for somebody who doesn't
have your back, and that's whether your male or female.
And I originally created that book for young women because
as the love doc on MTV, I was hearing again
and again and again, well he did this, and he
did this, and then he dumped me, and I said, well,
(26:45):
what did you give him? Well he's left together. I said, whoa,
what did you get back? And what's wrong with anybody
saying with him? What's in it for me? Right?
Speaker 1 (26:57):
Oh well I can't do that. Oh yes you can,
you can, You should do that. I do that in
business situations.
Speaker 2 (27:04):
And he kind of wants to know what you want
in return, like set bars, you know, set the bar here.
Speaker 1 (27:08):
If you foundaries, I agree with you. There are no boundaries.
And that's one of the changes that has occurred right now,
no boundaries all. I'll do whatever he wants.
Speaker 3 (27:17):
And I hear from women who are getting divorced again
and again. But I gave him everything he wanted. I said, Bengal,
that's what you did wrong.
Speaker 2 (27:26):
I know. I talk a lot on the show about
the blurring of traditional gender roles when it comes to
dating and how much that screwed things up. Nobody's leading,
We don't ask each other out. I can't pick you up.
The chivalry's dead. We make the same amount of money,
all that kind of thing. Who pays. It's so screwed
because biologically, I think we still are wired a certain way.
(27:48):
Societally we may have changed, but you know, on a date,
I still think we're boys and girls, and I still
think he wants to be the man, and you have
to allow him to. You have to dial back that
masculine energy times, even though it's hard for you because
you want to protect yourself and you have to allow
him to be what he's wearing.
Speaker 1 (28:07):
What are you protecting yourself from.
Speaker 2 (28:10):
I don't want to be weak. You know, if I
go hold the door for ten women, five will been like,
I don't need you to do that. Oh my god,
somebody held the door for me. I was very luxurious.
I walked right through. It was awesome. I'm like, why
would the women not like this? Don't have to touch anything?
Super No.
Speaker 3 (28:26):
I think, well, society, whatever society is today, maybe dictating
certain mores that don't work with the wiring that we have.
Speaker 1 (28:39):
I think that people have got to catch up with that. Take,
for example, the.
Speaker 3 (28:44):
Millennial cop the millennial couple of the Year of the Century,
Taylor Swift and Cats Calse. Yeah, take that couple. Now
they would know how woke works. He pursued her and
in a woke culture, Yeah, that would not happen. Yeah,
(29:09):
he did, and he tried again and again, and he
tried to get give her his number through many different sources.
And if not for Jason Sudeikis, who played matchmaker, that
may never have happened. Right, So, but he be and
he let it be known, and he's not afraid of
(29:30):
letting it be known, and she was not afraid of
letting him take the lead.
Speaker 2 (29:34):
And if you see them out together, he is and
he's a big guy. It does help, but he's every
bit to protect her. He physically is playing that role.
She's traditionally dated a lot of these sort of emo
poet boys and actors and musicians and props to them,
but they were in the same energy as her, and
I think that's part of why there's ultimately probably some
(29:56):
disappointment in that because he's expecting something that they're not giving.
This is probably outside of her comfort zone. I'm saying
it's gonna work out. I'm not saying it is, but
at least it has a shot to shake up her
snow globe a little bit and see if anything's different.
Speaker 3 (30:10):
You know, I think it's wonderful. I think it's wonderful
to watch. I hope they do well, and I hope
they walk into the sunset happily ever after they do.
Speaker 2 (30:17):
Give me one thing that if you had if you
had a five hundred women here and you had to
tell the women, this is what you need to change
or do better, and then I'm gonna ask you the
same thing for the men. If you had a room
full of women and you had to just been like, listen, collectively,
you need to do this.
Speaker 1 (30:32):
What take a chance?
Speaker 2 (30:37):
That's a good answer. That's the comfort zone thing.
Speaker 3 (30:40):
Chair certainly is get outside that comfort zone, because the
comfort zone is a myth.
Speaker 1 (30:46):
You know how to spell that?
Speaker 2 (30:47):
My yeah, my h. One of the famous things I
always say is that you need to get rid of
the words not my type. If you're over thirty, that's
a whole other. Time you're over thirty and you're still single,
you have no type. Type's not working out for you.
Speaker 1 (31:02):
That's it.
Speaker 3 (31:03):
Okay, it has your This is what when when people
say to me, well, that's not my type, Well, how
has that worked?
Speaker 2 (31:10):
All those ex boyfriends they weren't your type either. You know.
There's this matchmaking company and I won't name names, but
they ask their clients to bring in pictures of their
exes so they know what they liked. I'm like, that
is the opposite of what you should be doing. That
is everything that didn't work out. I agree, all right,
same exercise for the for the men.
Speaker 3 (31:31):
One of my guildagrams for men, you will never be
loved if you can't risk being disliked.
Speaker 2 (31:37):
Oh that's pretty good.
Speaker 1 (31:40):
I never saw you so silent.
Speaker 2 (31:41):
That's very profound. I had to absorb that. That's really good.
It feels like something I would say, but I didn't say.
Speaker 1 (31:48):
That could be something.
Speaker 2 (31:49):
It feels like fruit of my trade. That's good though.
I like that. Thank you. People don't want to risk.
That's the risk on that side. You don't want that.
Speaker 3 (31:56):
A man told me that he feels very comfortable texting
because it's safe. Yeah, I said, safe from what we.
Speaker 2 (32:05):
All And that's a problem. That's the biggest problem. In
twenty twenty four. We hide behind our electronics. We need
some we're so afree to approach each other face to
face anymore. Wait, I don't know you. Why you're talking
to me? What do you want from me? It's such
a weird energy. Men back in the fifties used to
have to get up, walk across the floor, introduce themselves,
and then ask her to dance, and then dance with her.
(32:26):
You think it's hard now, that was hard.
Speaker 3 (32:28):
I was living in New York standing looking into some
beautiful window on Madison Avenue, not even turning around.
Speaker 1 (32:37):
I was really enthralled with this window.
Speaker 3 (32:39):
Guy comes up behind me, And in New York you
wouldn't let that out now, But okay, guy comes behind me.
He says, see anything you like, without even turning around.
I said, are you buying? And I turned around. He
was cute and he was a nice lawyer and went
around and I was a teacher in the South Bronx
(33:00):
during those days, and it was great. It was great fun,
and I felt safe enough to respond to him. But
he felt safe enough to take the risk with some
unknown woman who's just standing there.
Speaker 2 (33:14):
Yeah, did you grow up in New York? Yes, that
isn't a little bit of advantage because New Yorkers are
not afraid to show personality. Sometimes.
Speaker 1 (33:23):
Well, I don't know what it is today anymore.
Speaker 2 (33:25):
I don't know what it is today anymore, but back then, I.
Speaker 1 (33:28):
I have that I had a wonderful life in New York.
Speaker 2 (33:30):
All Right, we're gonna let you plug all your books
and stuff in a second. But I know you don't
like to get too personal. But one thing we play
with our guests on this podcast is we play something
called worst date or first date. So you have to
think back to either the worst date you've ever had
in your life or the best first date you've ever
had in your life, your choice.
Speaker 1 (33:51):
That's so hard for me because I make everything into
a good date.
Speaker 2 (33:54):
Okay, is there a date that you turned around?
Speaker 3 (33:58):
Then well if I turn it around, then I'm his therapist,
and I don't want to do that, so I don't.
I mean, if something is objectionable to me, I will
hold on to that and see if there's a pattern
too that, and then I will decide what I'm going
to do.
Speaker 1 (34:15):
So I need to go out with him a few times.
Speaker 2 (34:18):
That's very good advice. Somebody might just make a mistake
or they be nervous and they spilled that wine on you.
I think if it was something flammable the road, but
something like I think that's good advice, like give it
a chance to work through the ick and get into
a rhythm.
Speaker 3 (34:35):
You know, well, listen, I too have my barriers. We
all have our barriers. Let's accept that and say put
that aside and give this guy an opportunity.
Speaker 2 (34:46):
Is it intimidating to date you knowing what you.
Speaker 3 (34:48):
Do, Well, you just hit that nail on the head
pretty well, all right, to be right, every time I
say it to somebody, well, I'm a relationship expert.
Speaker 2 (34:58):
Oh, or they probably said like, well, how does it
working out for you? They always want to put that card.
Speaker 3 (35:04):
On Oh please, Well I've had many really, I've been marry, divorced,
living with people.
Speaker 2 (35:09):
I mean, you know, it takes a lot of relationship
talent to get out of a bad relationship as to
get and a good one. People underestimate that just because
you've been with the same person for fifty years doesn't
mean that that's the right move. You maybe should have
pulled the shoot at at thirty and got into a
better relationship.
Speaker 1 (35:26):
Doesn't mean that that was the right relationship for me today,
it might have been it.
Speaker 2 (35:32):
Is and you grow together and whatever. But some people
are together out of habit comfort, Yeah, and or fear.
A lot of people stay together out of fear.
Speaker 1 (35:43):
Most people these days they're terrified.
Speaker 2 (35:45):
They think it's a game of musical chairs and they
won't get a seat ever again. Again, this is fine,
this is good, that's good, all right.
Speaker 3 (35:52):
That's where it all revolves around, loving yourself, capital lie
all the way.
Speaker 2 (35:57):
How many books do you have?
Speaker 1 (35:59):
Nineteen?
Speaker 2 (36:00):
Is it like naming nineteen children? It'll be hard.
Speaker 1 (36:03):
They're all very different.
Speaker 2 (36:04):
I give three books that they should pick up of yours.
Speaker 1 (36:09):
It depends upon where their head is at.
Speaker 3 (36:10):
Don't bet on the prints is I mean that was
the first and then then it became a cult, especially now.
Speaker 1 (36:19):
Don't lie on your back for a guy who doesn't
have yours. And I also wrote a couple of business
books one up Strategies. Business schools don't teach because I
teach at a business school.
Speaker 2 (36:32):
Well, there you go. There are crossovers in business and
level everybody life lessons. Like I always tell people, you
want to get good at at business or you want
to get good at dating, Take and improv class. Oh,
I agree because life is improv yes, and in a
moment being able to be something else or reveal something
(36:52):
else or try something else is such a valuable skill.
Speaker 1 (36:55):
Oh, you're so right.
Speaker 2 (36:56):
I know this was fun, This wasn't too painful?
Speaker 1 (36:59):
Was painful? No, you're a pleasure.
Speaker 2 (37:01):
Okay, see hear that? Great Love listeners, they can follow
you where doctor Gilda dot com.
Speaker 1 (37:07):
Yep, doctor Gilda dot com.
Speaker 2 (37:10):
See that's not so hard as far as us like share, follow.
Please review this podcast. After ten years of doing this,
your reviews still mean a lot in the podcasting ecosystem.
Shoot us an email. Great Loved Debate at gmail dot com.
If you've got questions, thoughts, comments for me, doctor Gilda
will pass them along. We're gonna have her back. Obviously,
she's got a lot more. There's a lot more to
bite off this apple. She's got a lot more things
(37:31):
to say because, as always at the Great Love Debate,
we never stopped making love. To see you next time.
The Great Love Debates. It's the Great Love Debate, the
Great Love Debate.
Speaker 1 (37:50):
It's a Great Love Debate.
This is Pod Popular Podcast for the People, the.
Speaker 2 (00:08):
Great Love Debate. It's the Great Love Debate, the Great
Love Debate.
Speaker 1 (00:16):
It's a Great Love Debaate.
Speaker 2 (00:18):
Hi again, Everyone's Brian Howie. Welcome to the Great Love Debate,
the world's number one dating and a relationship podcast since
twenty fifteen. I am back here in the very fine
studios of Pod Popular Podcasts for the People. I am
at the one in Scottsdale, Arizona. Is absolutely lovely in Scottsdale, Arizona.
Somebody emailed me the other day like, they said that you
(00:40):
like recording in Scottsdale better than all the other places
you record, And I said, I think because I like
Scottsdale better than all the other places you record. Although
it's a very fine studio, I am very very hesitant
to ever use the words relationship expert on this show
because I think it's the one thing that no, no,
but He's mastered. But I am going to push that
(01:03):
envelope as close as I can that I have somebody
who probably we graded everything on the curve. You remember
what grading on the curve is. It's whether there was
a scale of who knows the least and who knows
the most. I believe I have the person who knows
the most, or at least has had more conversations with
more people and more forums about more subjects than anybody else.
She's written a whole bunch of books on it, She's
(01:23):
been on just about every possible television network about it.
I don't want to age her too much, but she's
been doing this a long long time. She knows where
all the love bodies are buried. The Lovely Doctor, Gilda Carl,
How are you fine?
Speaker 1 (01:35):
Thank you for having me here?
Speaker 2 (01:37):
What did MTV call you the love Goddess?
Speaker 1 (01:40):
Thanks so much for upping that.
Speaker 3 (01:42):
Oh but the love Doc the love Doc, and I
couldn't get rid of the title here. I was teaching
at a university and everybody said, get the love doc
to weigh in on this loving business subject.
Speaker 2 (01:55):
No, you have been the go to person on just
about every media outlied for a long long time. I
want to get you in here. Why did you become
interested in this subject matter?
Speaker 3 (02:05):
I wrote my doctoral dissertation many many years ago on
interpersonal relationships and self concept, and that all washed into
how people relate, and I was finding that there were
so many problems with interpersonal relationships, and nobody was really
delving deep enough into them. So I thought, this is
(02:30):
something that fascinates me.
Speaker 2 (02:31):
And why do you think it was that we don't
dive deep into them because of what I said earlier,
nobody's really mastered it, or because it hits too close
to home for a lot of people. Somebody told me
once there's no there's a lot of shows about lawyers,
but there's very few even episodes about divorce lawyers because
somebody's like even the people create them, it hits too
close to home.
Speaker 1 (02:53):
It's the fear factor once again.
Speaker 3 (02:55):
People are terrified of getting too close to what really
is making them tick. If something is touching them all
that much, then they got to run away from it.
And then you see, and this challenged me, So if
they have to run away from it, well I want
(03:17):
to run where they're going.
Speaker 2 (03:19):
Yeah, I think that's true. You're the moth to the flame.
They if somebody asked me this the other day, they go,
You're ever gonna run on a things to talk about?
And I go, no, because it's the one thing that
everybody has experience with good or bad. Everybody has an
opinion on everybody has anecdotes from everybody, has pain from everybody.
(03:41):
It's the one thing that unites us all is this
constant quest, struggle, hope for a fulfilling relationship.
Speaker 3 (03:51):
Even those who do not want to admit it. People
have told me, oh, I'm not after a relationship.
Speaker 2 (03:57):
Now we say that all the time.
Speaker 1 (04:01):
Who's away, man?
Speaker 2 (04:02):
We know I say that all the time in my show.
That No, I hear it all the time. Okay, Either
they don't trust that it's possible, or they don't know
how to find it. Because if you gave the ones
who're like I just want to have fun, if you
gave them, if you had a notary in here and
gave them a document and said, if you sign this,
(04:22):
I can give you a happy, loving, sharing, fulfilling, honest
relationship with one other person, would you sign for that?
They would if they could trust it. They don't trust
that it's possible, or they don't trust the notary. I
don't know, but they do want it. The ones are like,
I just want a fun I'm good, I want I'm
happy being alone. No you're not.
Speaker 1 (04:42):
No, you're not. That is such bs. We know better
than that.
Speaker 3 (04:47):
Everybody is meant to interact, right, and your most fulfilling,
most beautiful, and most wonderful relationship is the one that
you have with yourself. And if they can not have
relationships with other people, it's only because they have not
established themselves as grounded people who can connect with themselves first.
(05:10):
In order to say I love you, it has to
come with a capital I.
Speaker 2 (05:15):
I think it does. We are wired to be in
relations we are wired to couple mate, whatever the unattractive
term you want to say, have sex. Yeah, we're wired
to be together. We're wired to want another person, and
so to deny our fundamental wiring or to lock it
off or to shut it off or I mean, you
need to go see a therapist, probably before you go
(05:36):
on a date. But you have to deal with the
why on that. You can't just spend like, I don't know,
I'm just happy being alone. I think you have to
understand why.
Speaker 1 (05:44):
I don't really think they're really happy being alone.
Speaker 3 (05:46):
And you don't know what happens under their roof when
the doors are close. You don't know how much they're crying,
how much they're watching the Wholemark channel, apologies to Hallmark,
but you don't know what's really happening, and when girlfriends
get together, I'll let you in on this little secret pride.
When girlfriends get together, we always talk about men.
Speaker 2 (06:08):
Oh yeah, and.
Speaker 3 (06:11):
This goes across the board with CEOs that I have
counseled with, people who are on lower levels of the
corporate echelon, who I have worked with, everybody is interested
in talking about men.
Speaker 1 (06:29):
The women.
Speaker 2 (06:30):
Yes, oh there's bars, restaurants within fifty feet of here
filled with women talking about men, complaining about men, wanting
men wear. Now, I'm not saying the men won't talk
about the women, but they won't talk about it as
openly as honestly with a group of women. They might
talk about how she looked or what she did, or
that's all the superficial stuff, right, They're walled off. So
(06:52):
I'm not saying it's unhealthy for the women to let
it out and do that. They process it a little
bit better than men. Some girl sixteen years old might
have rejected them or paid no attention to them. They
might that might manifest itself when they're fifty two years
old in a relationship because they don't process it. You
said to me, like, I think you go to therapy
like me, You like sensed my wounds.
Speaker 1 (07:15):
Come on.
Speaker 3 (07:16):
I've been in this business for quite a while and
I have a pretty good third eye. I'm able to
scope out people who are sensitive and people who are
walled off. Yeah, I mean that's that's pretty obvious to me.
It's not obvious to a lot of people, but I have.
Speaker 2 (07:32):
Very not be walled off. It's an easier way to
go through with the blinders on and the walls up
and emotionally unavailable. It is. It has a ceiling on it,
but it also as a higher floor.
Speaker 1 (07:45):
And when does this ceiling get met?
Speaker 2 (07:48):
The ceiling gets met when you realize that life is
not as fulfilling as you probably hope it could be,
or hurt it could be, and you're like, I'm going
through this life in this sort of middle emotional bandwidth,
and at some point you feel confident enough or comfortable
enough that you're willing to be vulnerable enough to put
more chips on the table and go for it. Right.
Speaker 3 (08:08):
Ah, I think there's something more to that. I think
that it reaches its peak when they recognize that.
Speaker 1 (08:18):
Something is missing and they don't want to deal with
anything beyond the something is missing, but they know that
they're miserable. They on some level.
Speaker 3 (08:33):
I can't believe that they can't imagine that they are
not narcissistic, and it's gotten to them that they can't give.
Speaker 1 (08:43):
And the beautiful thing about relationships.
Speaker 3 (08:46):
Is the giving and receiving. I just turned to a
guy recently and said, you have a problem with receiving,
don't you?
Speaker 1 (08:55):
And he was just taken aback.
Speaker 2 (08:57):
He said, yeah, because they don't feel worthy worthy.
Speaker 1 (09:00):
It all comes down to.
Speaker 2 (09:02):
Trust, the concept and worthy, and that could go back
to childhood. You didn't receive the love that your parents,
grandparents' family gave to you. You didn't learn how to
properly and I'm one of these people. You didn't learn
how to properly absorb it, and so getting it from
new people is scary.
Speaker 1 (09:21):
Or maybe the kind of love that they were getting.
Speaker 2 (09:24):
Was not healthy right, or it wasn't something that sort
of matched their wiring. So you've been doing this a
long time again, not to age you. How have things
changed since shared doing this? And how's the dialogue at
least changed?
Speaker 3 (09:40):
Well, now there's more hiding, more hiding than I have
ever seen before. The ghosting and the bread crumbing and
the gas lighting and all the other things that we have.
Speaker 1 (09:49):
These beautiful, fancy words for.
Speaker 3 (09:52):
In essence, it's all hiding, it's running from right. And
because of that, the people that they leave in their
midst are pissed off. They are furious, and they don't
know what to do and how to correct it. And
of course, if they're kind of if they have a
(10:15):
shabby self esteem, they'll say, well, what did I do wrong?
If I could only have If I could only have
been more beautiful, thinner, richer, right, I mean, whatever, whatever
it is, if only I could have been. And the
truth is they were putting out the best they could, right,
(10:36):
And for everybody out there who is listening, please understand,
you did the best you could with all the information
you had at that moment.
Speaker 1 (10:46):
And now it's up to the other person because it
has to be a give and take.
Speaker 2 (10:51):
It has to be a give and take, and some
people don't natarily give and take as overtly. Maybe how
we communicate with each other. Maybe she did feel that
way or he felt that way, and they just didn't
communicate it in a way that the other person could
hear and accept.
Speaker 1 (11:09):
And God forbid, we should share our feelings.
Speaker 2 (11:12):
Oh I know, I heard from a lot of women
all the time. I'm like, she's like, yeah, I thought
we had a good time, and he didn't ask me
out again. And I go, well, maybe he couldn't tell
that you had a good time, And she's like, he
could tell. No, he probably couldn't tell. It's a level
only dogs can hear. These women say, well, I put
out all the signals that we want.
Speaker 3 (11:31):
I didn't.
Speaker 2 (11:31):
I did no idea we have Sometimes the men have
no idea because a lot of the time the dialogue
is coming from the man, you look beautiful, would you
like to go out? This was great? And she's probably
at best saying thank you. That's not the same as
him hearing the words back. And a lot of women
are like, I shouldn't have to spell it out for him.
You have to spell it out for him.
Speaker 1 (11:50):
Sometimes, Sorry, I'm afraid you're right.
Speaker 2 (11:54):
I don't want to I don't want to be right.
But a lot of times this you know yin and yang,
mars and venus, you know, whatever we want to say,
we know that we do not communicate to each other
in the same way, in the same decibels and the
same anything. Yet we don't take the steps to try
(12:16):
and understand either ourselves or our partners or the relationship
enough to properly work through the muck to get to
the other side and be a good relationship.
Speaker 1 (12:26):
I want to put a footnote on something that you said.
Speaker 3 (12:29):
Okay, you said even dogs, no that that only dogs
can hear. I think even dogs cannot hear. It's so bad,
it's so.
Speaker 2 (12:39):
It's so obscure. This woman came to one of our
live shows in Chicago and she goes, this is what
I do when I when I like a guy, to
let him know that I like him. She was a
statue like, I'm like, what did you just do? She's
like it's very subtle. I'm like, it's too subtle. What
did you do? She like, I moved my eye brought
us like, I go, nobody ever would see that. And
(13:00):
she's like, the ones who I'm interested will see that.
I go, nobody will see that. And I asked her.
We had a big crowd, I asked the audience, and
people are like, what are you talking about? And she
was so stubborn and so basically putting it out there
that only the man who would pick up on my
signal as a man worthy enough for me but she
is subconsciously or consciously making that signal so obscure that
(13:21):
then she's like, oh, I just haven't found a man
to pick it up instead of taking a responsibility.
Speaker 3 (13:25):
Oh god, I wrote a book called one of my
many books, I wrote a book called I'm Worth Loving.
Here's why the book sold and continues to sell so well,
because people don't understand that they are worth loving. They are,
and they don't understand why if you can't put it
(13:45):
out there that you are, you walk into that room
and you take that room over, well, then you better
see somebody to work on that.
Speaker 2 (13:55):
Well, how do you do that? Then that's a good question.
That's my next point. Somebody who does not feel worth loving,
worthy of love, how do you get them to flip
the switch? How do you convince them that where everybody
is in some way worth loving?
Speaker 3 (14:09):
Well, if I said, if I said on this podcast,
how about seeing a therapist?
Speaker 2 (14:15):
Yeah, I know, And then a lot of people are like,
I can't afford a therapist, Okay, I can't afford Then
read my book. I mean.
Speaker 1 (14:21):
There are millions of self help out.
Speaker 2 (14:23):
There, and it's easier than ever. There's more information out there.
You can watch YouTube videos. You can, yes, if you don't.
Speaker 3 (14:28):
Want to read a book, if you're not a reader,
watch YouTube videos to do whatever it takes for you
to get out of what you consider yourself in your
comfort zone.
Speaker 2 (14:38):
Because a lot of people are scared of the answers.
Of course, they're scared to discover why either they are
unlovable or they feel unlovable. That's too scary for them.
Not everybody wants to pick up the rock and see
all the bugs that have crawled beneath it like that
is a scary proposition. You have to be ready for
the answers, good or bad. When I first started going
to therapy, I was looking for a therapist that would
(14:59):
tell me I was awesome and there was nothing wrong
with me. Stop coming to me. I should pay you
to hear me. I was looking for that in the therapist.
Tough to find.
Speaker 1 (15:09):
Every time I walked onto a talk show.
Speaker 3 (15:12):
I did all the talk shows, especially Sally Jesse Rafael
for years and years. Every time I would walk on,
somebody in who's sitting on the stage would say, oh,
oh she's here today, Oh my god.
Speaker 1 (15:23):
Because with me, you get the truth.
Speaker 2 (15:25):
Yeah, no bullshit, this, no bull Yeah.
Speaker 1 (15:28):
I know what's the sense otherwise, And I do this
in my life.
Speaker 3 (15:30):
I walk my talk. I have to be my own
authentic person. I spent years in therapy too. I did
everything you've done. I've done that and more years crying
on the couch, years going through all of this, and
I came out of the dark tunnel into the light,
(15:52):
and I realized that I can help other people, and
they've got to be open to be helped.
Speaker 1 (15:58):
And that's number one.
Speaker 2 (16:00):
We are gonna cry on the couch some more. In
a minute, I gotta take a quick break because we
don't pay for things like couches and therapy. Around here,
I'm with doctor Gildakarl. We're diving into all sorts of
boy and girl things. But we will be back right
after this. And we are back. And you gave me
a book a couple of weeks ago. What's the prince?
(16:20):
Give me the sorry? The book's around here. What's the title?
Speaker 1 (16:24):
Don't bet on the Prince?
Speaker 2 (16:26):
What does that mean?
Speaker 3 (16:27):
How to have the man you want for betting on yourself?
And the interesting thing about that book, and it became.
Speaker 1 (16:33):
A cult, a cult book.
Speaker 3 (16:37):
It's interesting because I based it on business principles. Now
I'm very heavily into Sun Sue the Art of War,
and I write everything with that in mind, because the
true objective.
Speaker 2 (16:50):
I need to read the Art of War to have
better relationships.
Speaker 1 (16:53):
Yes, problem absolutely, because in the battle arm.
Speaker 3 (16:57):
Objective, No, the true objective war is peace right and
people don't realize that. And that's what I want to
get across to everybody, to understand that you are not
put on this earth to be fighting and arguing and everything.
Speaker 1 (17:14):
I met this.
Speaker 3 (17:15):
Guy who had a mentality like a fifteen year old
teenage boy. Everything anybody said to him was no, and
he dug his heels into the sand with each statement,
and everybody else made his it was always no.
Speaker 1 (17:33):
And he didn't even realize that. And I said, my god,
you're like my fifteen year old, my former fifteen year
old stepson, who would say no automatically. And think about that.
You have to hear your own words. That is very,
very important.
Speaker 3 (17:49):
Leave a tape recorder on as you talk to people
on the telephone. Here, the way you react here, the
way you emote or not emote.
Speaker 2 (17:58):
That's very that's a real good point. And I know
that in this studio a lot of people, you know,
do podcasts and they haven't quite heard their voice for
the first time, and the like is that how I sound?
Or they'll listen to it and let's say, oh I
say almelat, I say like a lot like people don't
know their tone in regular conversation. They certainly don't know
their tone or their words when emotion is involved, and
(18:18):
they don't know how things might be getting across, and
they don't know how they're They sometimes imagine that they
said certain things or said certain things in a certain way,
and the other person is like, that is not what
I got out of that at all. Well.
Speaker 3 (18:32):
One of the tricks in order to be sure that
you're that the other person is hearing that what you
are saying is to ask the person to reiterate what
you said, tod, Did I say that right?
Speaker 1 (18:45):
Put it, Put.
Speaker 3 (18:46):
Yourself out there as somebody who needs correcting, and say,
did I say that right? Did that come out right?
What did you hear me say? And let that person
feed it back to you.
Speaker 2 (18:58):
That could have been I know you're right, and in
a perfect world that works, but that could lead to
a fight when they're repeating it back and I'm like,
oh my god, that's not, well, you're not listening to
me everything.
Speaker 1 (19:10):
Yeah, I understand.
Speaker 2 (19:11):
I've had girlfriends say to me one time, I only
kind of half listen to everything from anybody. I go,
that's really frustrating when that's going to be frustrating in
business or personal that you're kind of hearing every third word,
Like there's important matters that you have to be present
for and you have to absorb, and you do have
to hit back the ping pong ball to the other
(19:32):
person to let them know that you're at least you
don't have to agree with it, but you do have
to receive it right.
Speaker 3 (19:38):
Listening is the nicest thing you can do for somebody,
and we don't. We are not a good listening culture.
We're horrible. As a matter of fact, I've done a
lot of corporate training. I've done I do a lot.
I continue to do a lot of media training, and
it has to do with listening to the other side
before you respond. But in this crazy culture, until you
(20:01):
get your chance to speak, you're not happy.
Speaker 2 (20:04):
I know.
Speaker 3 (20:04):
So it's a matter of okay, when will this person
shut up so I can get my two says right?
Speaker 2 (20:09):
I tell them men all the time. She doesn't need
to be right, but she does need to be heard bingo,
and that is sometimes hard for people to understand. It's
like you have to let her. There could be reasons
why she feels or thinks or says certain things a
certain way that have absolutely nothing to do with you.
It probably don't, Probably don't. You just have to hear her.
That is really important to her, a lot more than
(20:31):
it is to men. The men do want to be right.
I don't want you to hear me unless you think
I'm right. You know, it's a waste, which is I
know that's another problem. Yeah, I agree, that's chapter three.
What is the first Take therapy out of it for
a second, but the first I think the big picture
(20:52):
answers always lie outside your comfort zone. I think you
have to take chances, and that's hard. As a first step,
the first step is getting comfortable having conversations with other
people without romantic intent. No, nope, what is it?
Speaker 3 (21:09):
First step is to know yourself, know what you're comfortable with,
know what makes you uncomfortable, and be able to accept
all of that.
Speaker 2 (21:19):
The list of what makes people uncomfortable or they don't like,
they've thought about much more than what makes them comfortable.
Speaker 1 (21:28):
Culture.
Speaker 2 (21:29):
People don't take the time to think about what they
like because halfway through that meditative exercise, they're like, accept
that one guy who did this, and then it turns
into the negative. So you have to think positively, well,
what do I want to get out of my day?
What do I want to get out of this encounter?
What do I want to get this relationship? And sort
of start slow, set some achievable goals, right the old
(21:51):
you know, you've got to make the bed, get something accomplished.
Speaker 3 (21:53):
I think the best thing that everybody can do before
they go to sleep every single night is think what
one thing was the best thing that happened today?
Speaker 1 (22:05):
What are the three best things that happened today?
Speaker 2 (22:07):
What I learned today?
Speaker 3 (22:08):
Yeah, what did I learn today? You know, we would
be better writing these things down. We would so that
we are not angry when we wake up. You know,
people tell me all the time, watching the news at
night makes me crazy.
Speaker 1 (22:22):
I can't I get angry. I got so upset. Right, Well,
don't watch the news. That's all negative stuff.
Speaker 3 (22:29):
I've been in the media for years and years and
so have you, and you know, when it bleeds, it leads, right,
And that's all they care about.
Speaker 1 (22:36):
They're interested in selling shock.
Speaker 2 (22:38):
Leave your day with some positivity. Yeah. I know someone
who before she goes to bed, she has to swipe
on twenty people online to get twenty matches. And I'm like, why,
First of all, you're stim laying your brain online. But
I'm gonna go, I go, do you need to go
to bed with validation? Is that what you need to
know that you're still attractive at the end of the day.
(22:59):
And she's like, yeah, I just need to know that,
Like it helps me understand that somebody might like me.
I go, they don't. They just think you're attracted. I
don't know about that. And I'm like, this is there's
a gotta be a better.
Speaker 1 (23:09):
Way, and there's a book for that. I'm worth loving.
Here's why.
Speaker 3 (23:13):
Okay, but you said something on your one of your
podcasts that was fascinating to me, and it was so
insightful and for a man with therapy obviously.
Speaker 1 (23:23):
Who knew what he was talking about.
Speaker 3 (23:24):
You said, have your bad paraphrase, have your man stand
in front of you for protection, on the side of you,
for love, behind you, for belief.
Speaker 2 (23:36):
Yes, that was a pretty good paraphrase.
Speaker 1 (23:38):
Yeah, I did that.
Speaker 2 (23:39):
Was right, and I tell the three things that he
can do. Yeah, in front of her for protection, beside
her for love, love, and behind her to believe.
Speaker 1 (23:54):
What how does the belief come into play?
Speaker 2 (23:58):
It means that I think you're in whatever you're doing
a lot of times your partner, man, woman, whatever that is,
needs to know. I think it's easier to find somebody
to love you than to believe in you. And that
is the rarest thing, you know. I think I have
probably had a I don't know, on a good day,
(24:20):
a dozen people probably love me. I think I've had
two people in my whole life, career, whatever that I
can say without any equivocation. They believed in me and
they changed my life, and they made me feel better
about myself, and they did more for me than anybody.
I think people are desperately looking for that outside of
their nuclear family. They are looking for somebody to really
(24:43):
believe that they are good enough, positive enough, talented enough,
whatever is you need. And so she's like, I'm going
to go start this business, I am going to go
run this half marathon. You letting her know that I
believe in you and I stand behind you in all
of your endeavors. Rather than saying, why are you doing that?
(25:03):
That's a waste of time. What do you need to
do that for? Aren't you busy bringing people down? And
a lot of partners that are We're in been in
a relationship a long time. I can say this to
somebody because we've been married for fifteen years. None of no, no, no,
no no. They need to know that if they have
imagination or a whim or a passion or a curiosity
to do something, that you need to support that.
Speaker 1 (25:25):
And that is really important to me because I've been
in this business a very long time.
Speaker 3 (25:30):
I've changed my advice to people over the years, and
I had a nonprofit for homeless female veterans.
Speaker 1 (25:39):
They taught me a lot.
Speaker 3 (25:42):
They taught me what they say in battle is I
have your six got you six and six meaning twelve six,
I got your back?
Speaker 1 (25:53):
Oh. And now my whole thing with people who I
advise is does he have your back? Does she have
your back? This is essential. And I even wrote a.
Speaker 2 (26:08):
Book I Fall, Will You Catch Me? That is so important.
Speaker 3 (26:12):
I wrote this book called Don't Lie on Your Back
for a guy who doesn't have yours?
Speaker 1 (26:18):
Crappy English, but man, that book is selling like crazy.
Speaker 3 (26:22):
I know, because it's a good thought, because yeah, if
if don't lie on your back for somebody who doesn't
have your back, and that's whether your male or female.
And I originally created that book for young women because
as the love doc on MTV, I was hearing again
and again and again, well he did this, and he
did this, and then he dumped me, and I said, well,
(26:45):
what did you give him? Well he's left together. I said, whoa,
what did you get back? And what's wrong with anybody
saying with him? What's in it for me? Right?
Speaker 1 (26:57):
Oh well I can't do that. Oh yes you can,
you can, You should do that. I do that in
business situations.
Speaker 2 (27:04):
And he kind of wants to know what you want
in return, like set bars, you know, set the bar here.
Speaker 1 (27:08):
If you foundaries, I agree with you. There are no boundaries.
And that's one of the changes that has occurred right now,
no boundaries all. I'll do whatever he wants.
Speaker 3 (27:17):
And I hear from women who are getting divorced again
and again. But I gave him everything he wanted. I said, Bengal,
that's what you did wrong.
Speaker 2 (27:26):
I know. I talk a lot on the show about
the blurring of traditional gender roles when it comes to
dating and how much that screwed things up. Nobody's leading,
We don't ask each other out. I can't pick you up.
The chivalry's dead. We make the same amount of money,
all that kind of thing. Who pays. It's so screwed
because biologically, I think we still are wired a certain way.
(27:48):
Societally we may have changed, but you know, on a date,
I still think we're boys and girls, and I still
think he wants to be the man, and you have
to allow him to. You have to dial back that
masculine energy times, even though it's hard for you because
you want to protect yourself and you have to allow
him to be what he's wearing.
Speaker 1 (28:07):
What are you protecting yourself from.
Speaker 2 (28:10):
I don't want to be weak. You know, if I
go hold the door for ten women, five will been like,
I don't need you to do that. Oh my god,
somebody held the door for me. I was very luxurious.
I walked right through. It was awesome. I'm like, why
would the women not like this? Don't have to touch anything?
Super No.
Speaker 3 (28:26):
I think, well, society, whatever society is today, maybe dictating
certain mores that don't work with the wiring that we have.
Speaker 1 (28:39):
I think that people have got to catch up with that. Take,
for example, the.
Speaker 3 (28:44):
Millennial cop the millennial couple of the Year of the Century,
Taylor Swift and Cats Calse. Yeah, take that couple. Now
they would know how woke works. He pursued her and
in a woke culture, Yeah, that would not happen. Yeah,
(29:09):
he did, and he tried again and again, and he
tried to get give her his number through many different sources.
And if not for Jason Sudeikis, who played matchmaker, that
may never have happened. Right, So, but he be and
he let it be known, and he's not afraid of
(29:30):
letting it be known, and she was not afraid of
letting him take the lead.
Speaker 2 (29:34):
And if you see them out together, he is and
he's a big guy. It does help, but he's every
bit to protect her. He physically is playing that role.
She's traditionally dated a lot of these sort of emo
poet boys and actors and musicians and props to them,
but they were in the same energy as her, and
I think that's part of why there's ultimately probably some
(29:56):
disappointment in that because he's expecting something that they're not giving.
This is probably outside of her comfort zone. I'm saying
it's gonna work out. I'm not saying it is, but
at least it has a shot to shake up her
snow globe a little bit and see if anything's different.
Speaker 3 (30:10):
You know, I think it's wonderful. I think it's wonderful
to watch. I hope they do well, and I hope
they walk into the sunset happily ever after they do.
Speaker 2 (30:17):
Give me one thing that if you had if you
had a five hundred women here and you had to
tell the women, this is what you need to change
or do better, and then I'm gonna ask you the
same thing for the men. If you had a room
full of women and you had to just been like, listen, collectively,
you need to do this.
Speaker 1 (30:32):
What take a chance?
Speaker 2 (30:37):
That's a good answer. That's the comfort zone thing.
Speaker 3 (30:40):
Chair certainly is get outside that comfort zone, because the
comfort zone is a myth.
Speaker 1 (30:46):
You know how to spell that?
Speaker 2 (30:47):
My yeah, my h. One of the famous things I
always say is that you need to get rid of
the words not my type. If you're over thirty, that's
a whole other. Time you're over thirty and you're still single,
you have no type. Type's not working out for you.
Speaker 1 (31:02):
That's it.
Speaker 3 (31:03):
Okay, it has your This is what when when people
say to me, well, that's not my type, Well, how
has that worked?
Speaker 2 (31:10):
All those ex boyfriends they weren't your type either. You know.
There's this matchmaking company and I won't name names, but
they ask their clients to bring in pictures of their
exes so they know what they liked. I'm like, that
is the opposite of what you should be doing. That
is everything that didn't work out. I agree, all right,
same exercise for the for the men.
Speaker 3 (31:31):
One of my guildagrams for men, you will never be
loved if you can't risk being disliked.
Speaker 2 (31:37):
Oh that's pretty good.
Speaker 1 (31:40):
I never saw you so silent.
Speaker 2 (31:41):
That's very profound. I had to absorb that. That's really good.
It feels like something I would say, but I didn't say.
Speaker 1 (31:48):
That could be something.
Speaker 2 (31:49):
It feels like fruit of my trade. That's good though.
I like that. Thank you. People don't want to risk.
That's the risk on that side. You don't want that.
Speaker 3 (31:56):
A man told me that he feels very comfortable texting
because it's safe. Yeah, I said, safe from what we.
Speaker 2 (32:05):
All And that's a problem. That's the biggest problem. In
twenty twenty four. We hide behind our electronics. We need
some we're so afree to approach each other face to
face anymore. Wait, I don't know you. Why you're talking
to me? What do you want from me? It's such
a weird energy. Men back in the fifties used to
have to get up, walk across the floor, introduce themselves,
and then ask her to dance, and then dance with her.
(32:26):
You think it's hard now, that was hard.
Speaker 3 (32:28):
I was living in New York standing looking into some
beautiful window on Madison Avenue, not even turning around.
Speaker 1 (32:37):
I was really enthralled with this window.
Speaker 3 (32:39):
Guy comes up behind me, And in New York you
wouldn't let that out now, But okay, guy comes behind me.
He says, see anything you like, without even turning around.
I said, are you buying? And I turned around. He
was cute and he was a nice lawyer and went
around and I was a teacher in the South Bronx
(33:00):
during those days, and it was great. It was great fun,
and I felt safe enough to respond to him. But
he felt safe enough to take the risk with some
unknown woman who's just standing there.
Speaker 2 (33:14):
Yeah, did you grow up in New York? Yes, that
isn't a little bit of advantage because New Yorkers are
not afraid to show personality. Sometimes.
Speaker 1 (33:23):
Well, I don't know what it is today anymore.
Speaker 2 (33:25):
I don't know what it is today anymore, but back then, I.
Speaker 1 (33:28):
I have that I had a wonderful life in New York.
Speaker 2 (33:30):
All Right, we're gonna let you plug all your books
and stuff in a second. But I know you don't
like to get too personal. But one thing we play
with our guests on this podcast is we play something
called worst date or first date. So you have to
think back to either the worst date you've ever had
in your life or the best first date you've ever
had in your life, your choice.
Speaker 1 (33:51):
That's so hard for me because I make everything into
a good date.
Speaker 2 (33:54):
Okay, is there a date that you turned around?
Speaker 3 (33:58):
Then well if I turn it around, then I'm his therapist,
and I don't want to do that, so I don't.
I mean, if something is objectionable to me, I will
hold on to that and see if there's a pattern
too that, and then I will decide what I'm going
to do.
Speaker 1 (34:15):
So I need to go out with him a few times.
Speaker 2 (34:18):
That's very good advice. Somebody might just make a mistake
or they be nervous and they spilled that wine on you.
I think if it was something flammable the road, but
something like I think that's good advice, like give it
a chance to work through the ick and get into
a rhythm.
Speaker 3 (34:35):
You know, well, listen, I too have my barriers. We
all have our barriers. Let's accept that and say put
that aside and give this guy an opportunity.
Speaker 2 (34:46):
Is it intimidating to date you knowing what you.
Speaker 3 (34:48):
Do, Well, you just hit that nail on the head
pretty well, all right, to be right, every time I
say it to somebody, well, I'm a relationship expert.
Speaker 2 (34:58):
Oh, or they probably said like, well, how does it
working out for you? They always want to put that card.
Speaker 3 (35:04):
On Oh please, Well I've had many really, I've been marry, divorced,
living with people.
Speaker 2 (35:09):
I mean, you know, it takes a lot of relationship
talent to get out of a bad relationship as to
get and a good one. People underestimate that just because
you've been with the same person for fifty years doesn't
mean that that's the right move. You maybe should have
pulled the shoot at at thirty and got into a
better relationship.
Speaker 1 (35:26):
Doesn't mean that that was the right relationship for me today,
it might have been it.
Speaker 2 (35:32):
Is and you grow together and whatever. But some people
are together out of habit comfort, Yeah, and or fear.
A lot of people stay together out of fear.
Speaker 1 (35:43):
Most people these days they're terrified.
Speaker 2 (35:45):
They think it's a game of musical chairs and they
won't get a seat ever again. Again, this is fine,
this is good, that's good, all right.
Speaker 3 (35:52):
That's where it all revolves around, loving yourself, capital lie
all the way.
Speaker 2 (35:57):
How many books do you have?
Speaker 1 (35:59):
Nineteen?
Speaker 2 (36:00):
Is it like naming nineteen children? It'll be hard.
Speaker 1 (36:03):
They're all very different.
Speaker 2 (36:04):
I give three books that they should pick up of yours.
Speaker 1 (36:09):
It depends upon where their head is at.
Speaker 3 (36:10):
Don't bet on the prints is I mean that was
the first and then then it became a cult, especially now.
Speaker 1 (36:19):
Don't lie on your back for a guy who doesn't
have yours. And I also wrote a couple of business
books one up Strategies. Business schools don't teach because I
teach at a business school.
Speaker 2 (36:32):
Well, there you go. There are crossovers in business and
level everybody life lessons. Like I always tell people, you
want to get good at at business or you want
to get good at dating, Take and improv class. Oh,
I agree because life is improv yes, and in a
moment being able to be something else or reveal something
(36:52):
else or try something else is such a valuable skill.
Speaker 1 (36:55):
Oh, you're so right.
Speaker 2 (36:56):
I know this was fun, This wasn't too painful?
Speaker 1 (36:59):
Was painful? No, you're a pleasure.
Speaker 2 (37:01):
Okay, see hear that? Great Love listeners, they can follow
you where doctor Gilda dot com.
Speaker 1 (37:07):
Yep, doctor Gilda dot com.
Speaker 2 (37:10):
See that's not so hard as far as us like share, follow.
Please review this podcast. After ten years of doing this,
your reviews still mean a lot in the podcasting ecosystem.
Shoot us an email. Great Loved Debate at gmail dot com.
If you've got questions, thoughts, comments for me, doctor Gilda
will pass them along. We're gonna have her back. Obviously,
she's got a lot more. There's a lot more to
bite off this apple. She's got a lot more things
(37:31):
to say because, as always at the Great Love Debate,
we never stopped making love. To see you next time.
The Great Love Debates. It's the Great Love Debate, the
Great Love Debate.
Speaker 1 (37:50):
It's a Great Love Debate.
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Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!