Episode 101 - The Twisted Britain Whisky Weird Laws Tasting Quiz

This week on Twisted Britain we have a special episode for you, Ali decided to run a quiz and get us drunk in the same episode.

So Allow us to present the first ever Twisted Whisky quiz, Ali has some weird laws to quiz Bob on and whilst they do that he treats bob to some rather nice whisky.

It’s more of a ramble than normal but it’s a wee bit of fun!?

Thanks very much for listening

Episode Transcript

(00:33):
Hello, I'm welcome to Swister Britain, a podcast on true crime in Britain
with a sprinkling of the weird andthe macab and your hosts, as always
are me Bob Dale. And thenwhat was that? I got a lot
of beer in my beard? Yougot beer in your beard and beard beer
in the beard and made you talkfunny. I'm not used to having beer
in the beard. I'm not usedhaving a beard, to be honest.
To be fair, you're rocking itout. I'm enjoying it. I didn't
kno could grow on until about fourweeks ago. I can't. I'm waiting

(00:57):
for the other ball to drop,and it's not a glitter ball. Darling.
Do you want to move your chairso you're not so you're in front
of your microphone? I could do, you could do, or you could
have moved the microphone whatever anyway,No, that had to twist the twisted
bit. Or you could have justlike moved it. Oh yeah, physically

(01:18):
moved the whole thing physically, justlike lifted and extend the arm. Never
extend the arm. You get intotrouble for that ship. Well, that's
we're already deleting stuff from this episode. We're our second record to night Bob.
We are indeed, as we saidin the last episode, this is
the Brave New World, not theIron made an album, but the Twisted

(01:40):
Britain's way forward. To continue torelease episode as often as I can get
them medited. Yeah, I thinkthat's probably the easiest way upon that.
You know, there we are.You have something different this evening. Yeah,
well, we've just had a fairlygrim episode from you. We did.
We just have the case of Juneand Devanny. Great story, yes,
harrowing tale. Did my best totell it in a way that wasn't

(02:05):
going to dwell on the horrificness.But we don't shy away from these things
and twisted bit. And I supposeit's if we weren't talking about grim things,
we wouldn't be talking. That's true, although there's no grim things in
this episode. Ending on a highnote, you're so you're promising me some
fun and jollity. I thought we'dhave a bit of fun tonight and I

(02:27):
had a great idea to mix itup. You did, Okay, fine,
I mean Sarah turned to me andsaid, wouldn't this be a good
idea? Or now I'm taking allthe credit. That doesn't sound anything like
you, Alistair. I can't believethat for one second. No, of
course not you fucking love you baby, I love you too. Oh thanks

(02:47):
Bob. Yeah cool, okay,And during the course of our research into
episodes, we often come across apparentlynonsensical, illogical, and sometimes amusing laws
that can beggar believe. Yeah.Frankly and recently I've been sporadically looking into
the validity of some of these withthe help of my will be wife Sarah,
and I've put together an episode aroundthem. It should be fun.

(03:10):
It's weird, it's obscure, it'shistoric, it's crime. It's everything we
love British. It's British twisted,twisted, criminal, criminal. It's very
rare that you hit all three.But it's more than that, it's not
it is everything we love. BecauseI'm gonna cry a few more things in
there for starters. We love apub quiz or do love a pup quiz?

(03:32):
It's one of my favorite things.Yes, yeah, so tonight's episode
will be a weird law test forBob. Okay. Also, though,
yes, we love whiskey very true. So I've brought a number of nice
malts tonight, which we will bothbe sampling and Bob will be downing.
If he answers the questions incorrectly,have you cleared this with the license premises?

(03:53):
Yeah? Right, okay, ofcourse not, Bob. So welcome
everyone to the first and probably onlyever or twisted Britain whiskey weird law taste
test. Whiskey weird lot taste testis a wonderful sentence. Yeah, Bob
will be tested on weird laws andwe will both taste weird whiskeys. I
am sure that some of the lawsBob will know, but I'm hoping that

(04:13):
all of them. I've tried tosteer away from laws that we're both very
familiar with. If I ask Bob, for example, whether it's illegal to
drink in a pub, I knowthat he knows that. Well, you're
legally allowed to consume alcohol in alicensed premises. Technically you're not allowed to
be drunk on a licensed premises,and it's up to the land lady or

(04:34):
landlord to make that decision. It'salmost like my final word is the say
so if they say you're drunk,then I believe you can stay, but
you can't have any more alcohol.Yeah, exactly, you're drunk, You're
I'm not serving you. Yeah,oh jinging. You should probably clear this

(04:59):
with Leslie before you do it.It's fine, okay. I also want
to ask you whether it's legal topay for food a drive through with your
phone, because it actually is nowlegal to use Apple pay or whatever at
a drive through. Oh really,because we were talking about this a couple
of weeks ago and that was theone that I was like, did you
know it's illegal to because you haveto turn your car off to be in
charge of a cellular device. Butthey have amended the law last year.

(05:24):
I think you can now use yourphone to pay, but for no other
reason than that. Okay, ifyour engine is off when at a drive
through and you're in charge of avehicle, do anything else and you're fucked.
Don't Google where you're going, lookat a photo, screwed, check
Facebook, scroll tiktac. You're eligiblefor a flying of up to two hundred
pounds and six points on your license. Don't use your phone well driving kids,

(05:47):
exactly now. Whiskey one, Bobwhisky one. I hope one of
these are going to sponsor us.Yeah, genuinely, we're going to get
into trouble. You know this,I'll do it. You say that we're

(06:15):
gonna get smash, I've got towork tomorrow. While okay, that was
that was very very brave of me. You've gone deep. I'll give you
that. I've gone deep right outof the bat. Well have you what
have you provided for Alastair? We'restarting with a glen ronic ten year old,
very lovely. It is absolutely delicious. I'll tell you M sorry slash

(06:41):
slang of that. That is verydelicious. Have you leased it with acid?
We're after a good start. It'sbeautiful. I get fruitcake, I
get whiskey. You get whiskey.Yours such a goddamn phillistine. I'll give
you a treacle. Yeah, I'vegot some treakly mouth right now. Welcome

(07:04):
everybody to twister. Britain does whiskeys. I mean we're doing whiskeys today.
We do them quite often. Wejust don't actively talk about the flavorings but
here, but I feel like weshould absolutely. Yeah. So is this
us just now drinking whiskey for thenext day and now we're just drinking whiskey
for the next half hour? Ohwell, you know we're not we're going

(07:24):
to be asking Bob some questions aboutweird laws while we drink the whiskey.
That's so nice, though, hitme up. It's lovely, yeah,
Glendronach ten not available in the settling. Not available in the settling, but
it's beautiful when Bronach, if you'relistening, send us a ball or two.
Literally houring yourself right now for glint. Yeah, that's delicious. I'll

(07:47):
hold myself for that. All right. I've prepared for you, Bob,
fifteen questions. Fifteen that's not evena pub quizzra ten and a quizra daley.
I've prepared for you, Bob,fifteen questions. Right, let's hit
me up. And also I shouldpoint out that I drank an entire bottle
of pino as I was writing thequestions, so they get progressively more elaborate

(08:09):
and ridiculous. You surprise me none, I know, I'm shocked myself.
Question one, yes, I potentiallythought provoking, but an easy one to
begin with. Imagine if you will, you and I are accused of a
crime. Okay in Scottish law,are we innocent until proven guilty or guilty

(08:30):
until proven innocent? I feel likeoff the bat you're trying to catch me
out straight away, but no,this is actually a really easy question.
After that, My understanding of thelaw is you're innocent until the crown can
prosecute you can can prove you guiltyand then prosecute you. So even in
court, as as the accused,you are innocent during the court process until

(08:52):
the jury or the judge returns ofverdict. Yes, yes, okay,
you are exactly right. As Isaid, one out of one. Let's
go. It's an easy one tobegin with because both answers are actually correct.
The Scottish justice system operates functionally onan innocent until proven guilty basis.
It's the job of the prosecution,be a crown or civil to prove beyond

(09:13):
reasonable doubt that someone is guilty.The idea or perception that someone is guilty
until proven innocent in Scottish law comesfrom our third possible verdict not proven,
which they are talking about removing fromthe which they are amoving, the misconception
being that it is Since it's possiblefor the accused to be presumed but not

(09:33):
proven guilty, it must follow theywere presumed guilty until proven innocent. Semantics
is very it is very semantic.This is, as I mentioned, not
functionally the case not proven verdicts dateback to the seventeenth century actually, from
a time when juries in Scotland didn'tpronounce guilty or not guilty verdicts. So

(09:54):
what verdicts were handed out? Yeah, they didn't have the power. Instead,
they pronounced whether the facts alleged hadbeen proved or not proved. So
the jury of your peers ish atthe time would have been twelve men who
said we believe him and not him, and then the judge defines the sentence.

(10:15):
The judge defines the sentence and whetheror not the accused was guilty,
okay and culpable. Right, Well, that's I want. When did do
we know when that changed? Yeah, we do. The juries lost the
power to pronounce defendants guilty in thelate seventeenth century, at a time when

(10:41):
religious prejudices meant that people weren't gettingfair trials. Okay, So they took
the power away from juries to pronouncepeople guilty. So seventeen some late seventeen
hundreds, seventeen hundreds to seventeenth century, sorry, seventeen hundreds, So which
trials that kind of time? Yeah, exactly, And then it was eighteen

(11:05):
thirty. I think that the jury'sgot the power back. Okay, that's
a fair, fair time period.Yeah, oh well, and then and
then we didn't get changing in juriedled trials until the late nineteenth century,
early twentieth century when we started gettingequal representations and all that kind of stuff
exactly. And they just kept thenot proven guilty and they're not proven verdict.

(11:30):
I didn't that wonderful Alistair. Didn'tknow where it came from, just
knew it was there. Interesting in'tit? Thank you very much. One
nail to Bob, one, onenail to Bob. Here as if this
wasn't going to be a competitive quiz. You know, I don't like losing
quizz as Alistair. But as Isay, the questions get more and more
elaborate and ridiculous. Good luck answeringsome of these. Not because question too,

(11:54):
because it makes no sense. Ohgood, I know how to I
know what you like. Question two. Imagine if you will, you and
I as innocent young boys thirty yearsago. Thanks, We're walking together,
hands held in youthful naivety, throughthe then busy high streets and shopping centers
of our boyhood it's a very differentboyhood to what we actually had. Through

(12:18):
misadventure and circumstance, we come faceto face with the visceral horror that is
an unclothed mannequin. Okay, notunconceivable in our early life, to be
honestly. The question is, isit, or has it ever been illegal
in Scotland to see a naked mannequinif you are under the age of ten

(12:39):
years old. Tends a very specificage, there isn't it. I'm going
to presume that the scenario that youhave painted is quite an extreme one and
that any law based on this isaround the dressing of shop windows or something
along those lines, and I'm goingto go with it is illegal for miners

(13:05):
to see a naked representation of ahuman being in this time paging. No
fuck, I'm sorry, I'm not. I can't down whiskeys horrific. I
will drink, but I don't haveenough Gavescon with me. There's enough Gavescon
in the world. I have hada swig. I' found plenty of references

(13:31):
to this being a law, andlots of those in those sort of twenty
five craziest laws that really exist.Yeah, Yeah, articles which I freely
admit I used as the basis fora lot of my research, but neither
I nor say I found any evidencewhatsoever that it is or ever actually has
been a law nationally or regionally.Okay, I mean you can understand why,

(13:54):
you could understand why it would beeven though it isn't for the reasons
that I you know, the publicdisplays of nude teat we're not accepted or
or aren't accepted unless you're like reallyEuropean. Yeah, and I am not
really European. Not far too pastyto take on the clothes off al.

(14:16):
You're too pasty to be in Europe. There's not enough sun cream in the
world to cover up this. No, you won't survive. Look at ginger
vampire. All right. So oneone to you, yeah, one one
not to you. One one.I'm taking it as a win. Okay.
Do you know what they say inthe Dominoes Union. It might just

(14:37):
be Tracy that says that, butyeah, it could be question three.
I'm gonna get my own back here. Let's go imagine if you will see
a pattern forming in these ways.I can. I can see We've been
some places now, you and Ias proud Scots are out and about.
I wondered where you're going without?But okay, we're obviously dressed in our

(15:00):
national dress, which is coincidentally addressed. I've got a fact about that.
But carry on. We've had acouple of jars, shall we say,
because we're in Tetel Tatdering. Yes, Scott's when hard workers were in Tatle
ted Dring. What's happened to youeither, I've got a little drink.
Okay, our drunken wonderings somehow bringus to Carlyle. Okay, why not?

(15:26):
Are we safe on the streets ofthat fair city? Ah? Very
ah, here you got my brainhere there's something about a Scotsman on the
streets of Carlyle. I don't wantto it's not the stereotypical one of the
bow and arrow, but there's somethingabout a Scotsman being on the streets of
Carlyle that I'm going to go with. No, we're not safe. Oh

(15:50):
you're right. This is one ofa number of laws though, which may
actually at the time of recording orvery soon after, be abolished, as
they're part of a move by theUK justice system to get rid of these
sort of archaic unheeded laws. Butany scott found wandering around the city of
Carlisle is liable to be whipped,thrown in jail and have his or her
possessions confiscated. Fuck Like, whywell this until very recently, if it's

(16:18):
been repealed. Law dates back tothe twelfth century when King Malcolm the Fourth
of Scotland lost huge amounts of landto England, including Carlisle to King Dave
the First I think. But themost recent mention of this archaic law is
actually in a medieval book kept inCarlisle Castle, which is only four hundred
and forty years old, and itlists laws and governances for how citizens should

(16:42):
behave and it governs everything. Youcould, for example, at the time
be banished from Carlisle for leaving dogdung outside your house for more than eight
days. Well I agree with thatone, But I ever tell you about
the we am We live in alovely little part of Stirle, you do,
and there's some some lovely walks alongthe river bank that we I mean

(17:04):
that was our lockdown. Was alockdown wasn't great, but it was certainly
offset by the fact of where welived. We could get walking and stuff
like that. But there was somebell end that was spray painting dog shit
red as I like, don't asa protest like not like as a I've
highlighted this, don't leave your shipbehind. But I had a fucking three

(17:26):
year old child picking up red stonesand now I was like, you're just
ruing my fucking walk because you've pickedup some dog shit. I know who
did it, and I have confrontedthem. I will not name and shame
them. I know who it was, honestly, and I had an argument
with them that if they're going todo it, at least don't use oil
based paints next to the fucking river. Also true anyway, Sorry, I've

(17:49):
gone off on one there. Nationaldress. Just while I'm remembering that,
you said that the gentleman that mademy kilt was in the pub the other
night, when I nice. Ian'sa wonderful man. And if you're Evan
Sterling or the surrounding area and lookingfor a kilt, a wee favor in
Sterling, the incredible kill makers,and I'll happily promote them on here.

(18:11):
But Ian said to me that thekilt's never actually been national dressed in Scotland.
Is true legally r your your Jacobitesand your heroes of history, Wallace
and Bruce, and none of themwould have worn a kilt. Well,
the kilt post dates Wallace, yeah, and Robert the Bruce hundreds of years

(18:33):
of years. Yeah they might.Well, Wallace wouldn't. But some people
at the time might have worn plates. They'd have worn probably Trus Tartan.
Yes, not in a kilt.However, got a caveat this with love
my kilt, love wearing it,me too. There's nothing better than my
kill. I don't love wearing Bob'skilled. You can wear mine anytime you

(18:56):
want. Man, I've got yourdad's old kill. By the way,
Yeah, these this is all unnecessary. But did I win that one?
Yeah? Two to one? Youdid? Okay? Question four, imagine
if you will already on it.You and I are still on the same
bender as the previous question. Holyshit, it's been a long night.

(19:17):
It's very long night. We're stillmerrily drunk, looking fabulous in our respective
kills. Obviously, However, thevibe in Carlisle is not doing it for
us. But we've not been lifted. No, we've not been lifted.
But the potential for a custodial sentenceor even a whipping just for being Scottish
is hanging over our heads like thesword of Damocles. So we chease it

(19:37):
on the first available train. Fuckyeah, who knows where it's going,
doesn't matter, I do, Butour imaginary cells are just happy to be
out of Carlisle. Yep. Becausewe are merely drunk, and because you
are an absolute nightmare and have producedtwo bottles of mad Dog twenty twenty from
somewhere on the train, we've begunsinging Caledonia by Dougie McLain on the train.

(19:59):
What f favor of mad Dog OrangeOrange? Oh, it's got the
E numbers two? Yeah, right, good, we're going there. The
question is are we breaking the lawby singing on the train? Not specifically
Caledonia about DUGGI McLean, No,just jovially singing, just jovially singing on
the train. I don't know ifyou can see. No, No,

(20:23):
we can't pay the rights. No, it's fine. Do you won't care?
Do you won't care? I wantto say it's like a public order
offence. If I'm maybe anti socialbehavior, I'm going to say we could
get a wrists slapped for it.You're you're right, we actually are technically
breaking the law. Under National railby laws, you require written permission from

(20:48):
the train operator or conductor to legallysing on a train to perform, So
remember that, listeners next time you'reon a hindoo or if you're coming back
from the foot all written permission,specifically written written permission to sing on a
train. Yeah, I would imaginethat's coming for busking purposes. Like all

(21:11):
of these laws that you're talking abouthave an origin an application, Yeah,
somewhere. Absolutely, I'm imagining thishas an application, and like any social
behavior like and that to me isquite a modern Yeah. And then it's
a it's a scott it's a Scottishby law, so it's probably to stop
Scottish football hoorganism. I was gonnasay that, Is it not just geographically

(21:34):
specific? Is it? Is thata reasonably new one in comparison to your
streets of Carlisle? Yeah, it'sa nineties I think cool. But we
are definitely at three one. Yeah, three one, it's three one.
Question five. Imagine if you willwe disembark our train in the glorious transport

(21:56):
hub that is the City of York. We went to Yorviig Viking Center,
remember that we did. And theYork Transport Museum. We shared a room.
On our P seven trip to York. We went to Flamingoland. It
was fucking banging. We went onthe Love Flume like twenty five times that
day. Sick you bought I don'tknow if you remember this. I'm gonna

(22:17):
you bought a fucking packet as shitthat you put a straw in and blew
up a bubble. Oh yeah,I do remember that. It was a
nightmare. We ruined the hotel rooms. We're in our hotel room and you
blew up this bubble of like fuckingplastic plastic slime shit and it stuck to
the wall, and the two ofus went, not get off, What
the fuck is this stuff? Itwas absolutely offensive. We had like an

(22:40):
epoxy resin once it hardened. Honestly, I have this vivid memory of being
in that room. It was twinbereds on either side of the door.
As you went in, and there'scupboards at the end with a like kind
of vanity unit and a mirror anda window to the right. As you
looked at it, and you justblew this bubble up and it did not.
It was supposed to bounce. Yeah, it was supposed to bounce and

(23:00):
touched the wall and just went fuckyou guys, splat. That's fucking like
thirty years ago while and I stillcan't get it out of my mind.
Anyway, trip we watched as VenturaDetective in the cinema on that trip,
we did, and we went toYorrovian Viking con Center actually, and both

(23:21):
of us were like, this isa banging day out. Yeah, it
is. If anyone's in or nearYork for a day. The Orbic Viking
Center is a great day out.Then we went to the Flamingo Land log
fluming it and then did we gotbeamish on the way home. Yeah,
we did, like old school Victoriantransport place. Fuck man, I haven't
thought about this in a long time, but that that bubble of red shit.

(23:45):
Oh I can't I think about thatoften. Sorry, we're in York,
Yeah, we're in York. Aftera few beers, we hit the
clubs furday night. You've moved fromthe pot to the impossible. Down with
the kids. I'm home with thedownies. I don't do it again.

(24:06):
Are we safe on the streets ofthe Great City of York. I mean
legally legally. I was gonna saygenerally, probably not okay, because we
don't know where we are legally,so you've got nothing else for me.
Aremy and you drunk Scottish got offthe train legally in danger. It's a

(24:30):
similar question to the Carlisle question,but for York we say no this time,
okay. I have no bit.I had a basis for Carlile,
I have no basis for York.I don't know other than is this long
bowl one? He's right, itis the long bowl one actually, but
it's a fallacy? Is it okay? The The answer is we're probably safe.

(24:55):
Much like the naked mannequin law.I can find plenty of mentions of
these laws, but no actual evidence. They have a few iterations. It's
legal to kill a Scotsman in Yorkif he's carrying a bow and arrow.
It's legal to shoot a Scotsman witha crossbow in York as long as it's
not a Sunday. However, Ifound no documentation to corroborate these claims.

(25:18):
The most similar regional law that Icould find was Chester, where there was
a bye law that all Welshmen bethrown out of the city before curfew.
I mean, I'm all right withthat. Paul from the True Crime Enthusiast
shouldn't be left alone in Chester,that is true sent him home. I'm
going to see him in a coupleof weeks actually nearly question six. Oh

(25:41):
wait, hang on, next whiskey, Hang on, thinking bob, next
whiskey, Al can we just recapthe scores? Though? Yes, we're
on question six. So five pointshave gone and it's what Bob has four
points right now? Yeah, hasone. Now we're gonna but now we're

(26:07):
gonna drink a wee bit of aboutany fifteen year old. Oh, very
good, you're sured in a Madeiracask. Very treating me this evening,
alistair, thank you very much forthis. That's a I brought water for
that, but it's now propping upa phone. It's fine. Generally take

(26:29):
a sherry cask over a madeira cask. If I'm being honest, do you
know how many Madeira casts if youhad had a couple, I'd want to
add that's that's way way enough.If you want to, you can,
you can, you can decant alittle of this. One's got ad it

(26:51):
none of them have lsd in they'refull of meth. Ah. You know,
it's very little editing I can doon this episode. If I'm just
like question six, question six,imagine if you will wait, Oh,

(27:11):
that's right. We should taste aboveany Slangama, do your best of health
a lot more vanilla. It's sweeter. It's the Madeira cask. It's a
word I've used, taste like whiskey. It doesn't. It tastes way way
different than the last one. Itis very different than the last one.

(27:34):
I'm a bit sweeter flavor. CanI give you my two favorite things like
whiskey tasting things that I've ever beentold? First one was we were a
tasting event in the shop in Criefdirectly across from a friend of ours,
hairdressers L. J. Wilson hairdressers. If you're ever barbers, sorry,

(27:56):
if you're in the CEF fine,old Joseph will yeah, no, wonderful
old school barbers. He's a wonderfulfriend of ours if you're in the area.
Across the road from him is anincredibly good whiskey shop and we went
there for a tasting event with someof our That's why you go to Lewis's
Shop for the whiskey. Of course, No, I can't afford a lot

(28:17):
of the whiskey in that place.It's like the one hundred couple of hundred
pounds bottles. You're not buying yourstandard Highland parks or something that good stuff.
Yeah, absolutely, so we didstuff. We did a tasting event
with our pop quiz money. Fourof us went up and the guy said
to me and the other three,if you can say the name of this
bottle, I'll give you the restof it, a third of the bottle

(28:41):
in it. And it's I don'tknow how you do this in an audio
podcast, but it's written the daigl e d a I g the dig
I'll give you a second he went. He went down the line, and
my three comrades in the evening allwent ladig ladig the dark Now I know

(29:04):
in Gaelic. The da said,yeah, so it's the chake. Oh
it is, but it's like thechake, I got it right. The
fuck are never given. It's awhiskey. Oh, it's very upset about
it. There are there's a there'sa beside story about whiskeys for you.
When I was in South Africa,I had a similar experience, except we

(29:26):
went to a gold mine. Canyou see gold? No? In South
Africa, they put a bar ofgold in front of me when we visited
a gold mine and told if Icould lift it, I could keep it.
Oh shit, I was like twelveor thirteen, I think when we
were on this holiday. Gold's dnseas fuck as well. No, it's

(29:47):
dense as fuck, and they cutthe gold bari things, so there's no
way of getting your fingers under it. So it has to be like full
fingers. Yeah, yeah, ithas to be like gripped. I tried
for about fifteen minutes. You neverrock climbed as much as me. Man,
I might have got that off thetable. I tried so hard.

(30:07):
If I was a rich man,I thought, no, super blue on
your fingers. Fuck you guys,I wouldn't have put that past you in
your younger days, to be honest, asked her. I know what would
have happened. You wouldn't have gotto the gold. You have got your
hands stuck to the side of afucking bus on the way in. Yeah,
and fucking disappeared. I put thesuper glue on five hours early,

(30:30):
as tacky as fuck. It's true. It's funny because it's true. I
believe I'm dominating this quiz right now. Let's get on with it, all
right, fine, question six.Imagine if you Oh, that's one of
these ones. It starts to gethard now because I've invented someone. Oh
good, imagine if you will.You and I proceed in our adventures south

(30:53):
and we end up in London.No, no, yep, we purchased
a fine red kite. Nice sonis good for the wind is restless and
strong. And then, with thesimple failing of the uber app and then
the repeated raising of the hand,we hail a black cab. I'd rather

(31:14):
take a black cabin London. Thecabby turns to us and he says,
oh, what geezers, you bothlike look ya? Sorry? Oh.
The cabby turns to us and hesays, oh, what geezers, You

(31:37):
both look like you're coming off ajet fighter. You need a Subert dab.
Lads. When I realized that aSherbet dab is slang for a cab
and he's not offering us drugs,I register my disappointment and I ask that
he take us to Wimbledon Common,where the wombles of wimbledon't live exactly.
He says, Now Fred, makeMurray's my rob roy jump in the union

(32:00):
Jack. So in we jump,So we jump in the back in we
jump, and he takes us toWimbledon Common. The question is what did
the slightly racist cockneye driver do wrong? So first thing, the wombles of

(32:22):
Wimbledon Common are we We're underground,overground, wombling free. We had to
get that out of the way.Yeah, I mean I heard it first
time round, but I'm going tomake you do it again. Give me
his words without your pitch in themiddle. Both sets are his words.

(32:43):
Okay, he says, Oh whatgeezers, You both look like you're coming
off a jet fighter. You needa Serbert dad, Lads, Now Fred,
make Murray's my rob Royce jump inthe union jack. You guys look
like you're coming off an all nightYou look like you need a cab something

(33:06):
racist jumping the back. What didyou do wrong? Fuck man? I
don't know, ah, point toAli. The answer is he didn't ask
if we had any communicable diseases,which is technically the law, but in
our case, of course, hewould have said, sorry, lads,
I gotta ask before everybody and Clydewhether you are Moby Dick and how you

(33:30):
orange peel? Why are you fuckingAustralian? I don't know another fucking shrimp
on the bar in the back ofthe cab started off with boise and just
sort of slipped into Australian one hundredpercent. Don't know what you started as.
You did not end well, whichis your vows It might be it's

(33:59):
true. It's the public health factnineteen eighty four. It has been the
legal responsibility of all cab drivers toask passengers if they have or ever have
had some diseases like the plague orsmallpox from eighty six. Yeah, and
smallpox was specified. Even though smallpoxwas cured in nineteen eighty. I was
gonna say it was eradicated the decadebeforehand. Laate seventies. I would fully

(34:27):
have understood if you'd said to methat they had to they'd legally removed that
question in eighty six, and thatthere'd been a period up until then from
seventeen forty eight or brought in aneighties, brought in an eighty six.
I could also have understood if you'dsaid to me in twenty twenty they'd reintroduced
it. So I have to tella cabby if I've got an STD when

(34:52):
I get in the back. Yeah, no, not an STD, but
plague, smallpox? Sorry, acommunical Yeah, okay, fine, COVID.
Yes, Well, it's his responsibilityto ask. Really, and if
he hasn't asked, I'm coughing onthat cunt neck yep. So four to
two four two. He's mounting acomeback. I can see it, mostly

(35:14):
because of the Taxi Dave. Well, Taxi Dave was. Honestly, I've
never met an Australian black cab driver. Taxi Dave might be coming back in
a later QNA be in London nextweek. My sole purpose now is to
find a Taxi Dave. To findTaxi Dave. It's gonna cost me a
fortunate but I'm willing to do itfor research purposes. Oh God, Taxi

(35:37):
Day's coming right back. Does hehave the same accent or a different one?
This time? We'll find out.Question seven. Imagine if you will.
We are now flying our fabulous redkite on the sun baked green spaces
of Wimbledon Common. Let's go flykite up to the ah. I think

(36:01):
that one's a copyright for you.I think we're all, yeah, we're
fine now. I'm reclining on aGingham blanket that we've laid down after drinking
the cans of cocktails which you somehowstill had. I've always got a secret
can and watching you ride the breezeon strings as soft as silk but as
strong as steel. The image issomewhat diminished when you crash the kite into

(36:22):
a tree at hard Landing. Wedon't see the word crash, but after
a lengthy retrieval of the surprisingly undamagedkite, you're ready to try again.
When guess who comes running up?Who is it? It's the mildly racistly
stereotypical taxi driver Dave Australian Dame AustralianDave. He says to us, Oh

(36:44):
what my world roys? You can'tstake and kidney pie that here, mates
the bottles and stop us will haveyour bees and honey. If you're not
careful, you can't fly that kite. Hell, boys, the copper all
have you for fucking eating honey?I've got that far. I'll give it

(37:09):
to you because you've got everything apartfrom bees and honey, meaning money,
really money money, a fuck off? So what you can't fly that here?
You'll get a fine, yeah forflying it on the green? Is
it specifically wimbled and common here?No, it's all London. You can't
fly a kite in London. He'sprobably talking about the technically still in effect

(37:30):
law section fifty four of the MetropolitanPolice Act eighteen thirty nine, where it
was stated as being illegal to flykites in public places in London. Why
the law was brought in by themet Police because kites at the time were
thought to be a common nuisance andit was thought that they could be a
danger to nearby people. Fuck it, it's the drone shit all over again.

(37:53):
I can't find actually any instances ofanyone being prosecuted or even fined for
flying a kite, but the lowdidn't exist and it could have happened.
So it will be taking a halfa point each there, Yeah, half
a point each, four and ahalf points to two and a half points.
Yeah, okay, I'm still winningtoday. Fortunately, if you do

(38:14):
want to fly a kite, you'reonly limited by your own imagination. That
might be the most beautiful thing you'veever recorded. Yeah, it's also not
true. You're also limited by thegovernances and laws of the Air Navigation Order
and Regulations Act, which state akite shall never be flown at a height
of over sixty meters above ground level. This is going to be so boring,

(38:37):
but can literally quote you most oftheir navigational or perhaps because I fly
a drone for work, I knowa lot more about it than I than
I should for day to day life, that I find that it's strange that
they have a geographical area on akite because it's a controlled essence, like

(38:58):
you can't will only go as faras the string. Unless you let it
go, it's gonna collapse. Thestring keeps it taut. The string is
the thing that keeps it in theair. That the tether to the ground
is why a kite stays in theair. Question, Hey, four and
a half to two and a halfat this point, Yeah, imagine,

(39:21):
if you will, You and Iagain, dressed in our kilts, are
hosting a dinner party back up herein Scotland. Sounds lovely. It's a
swanky event. The music is bouncing, the theme is National Pride. We're
flying a huge lion rampant up apole outside after dinner. As the conversation
is flowing, there's a knock atthe front door. Ah, you're not

(39:46):
go better, all right, youwon't believe who it is who's at the
door. Al, it's a travelerin the evening cold. Oh shit,
yep, this poor unfortunate soul inpain, in need. I'm really sorry.

(40:07):
That's all I'm allowed to say withoutus paying for Disney Plus. So
this traveler asked for shelter and touse the lou because she needs a we
wi something fierce. I understand thatfeeling. Are we in any way legally
obligated to help her? She's notpregnant. I was about to ask a

(40:28):
series of questions. Are we policemen? Do we have hats? Is she
pregnant? I would like to say, we're not legally obliged to, but
we are morally obliged to. You'reabsolutely right. It's another common misconception that
I've found on the net. Iexpect the belief comes from the old tribal
Scottish clan custom of giving shelter forthree days to any traveler crossing your clan's

(40:52):
land. And while this unwritten ruledidn't exist, it was very loosely adhered
to seeing that Glenn Cole massacre forfurther research. That and nothing resembling it
ever made it into common Scott's law. So it was just a if somebody
knocks the door, need a pee, let them in, not have a
pea. Yeah, I think thatto be honest. If somebody rattled my

(41:12):
door tomorrow evening and went, canI use your bathroom, you'd be an
arsehole to say no, you wouldwe let this traveler in. I don't
know about just letting a random travelerinto my house at the same time,
though, we let her in.We let her in. Yeah, Question
nine, she's had a pee.Yeah, she's on a chair. I

(41:36):
have one another, point you anotherfive and a half to two and a
half. We're getting to the pointwhere I can't be defeated here. Al
let's move on. Imagine if youwill, I will question nine mere moments
after closing the front door and whilestill helping the weary traveler Wendy to a
seat in the living room and adrink, because we're not legally obligated,

(41:59):
but we're nice people, and she'sgot her name now, Yeah, Wendy.
The door is knocked again. Thistime you really won't believe your eyes.
Do you know who it is?Who is it? It's the taxi
driver from London Taxi Dave Diff's backgives back. He was dropping off a
long distance reel replacement fear down theruds and he saw the Prode Ryan he

(42:23):
was it was dropping off a longdistance real replacement fear down the road and
he saw the Prode Lion rampant flagand he thought it could only be those
boys. Well, he looks atus and he says, hello, my
rob Roy's what a tin bath.I never thought it would be you fridge

(42:43):
freezers when I clocked my mince pieson that big flag. You'll have to
take that to ten. Sorry,you will have to take that to Tan
Robinson Crusoe though, dustin lids orelse you will have a Michael hessel Tine
on your hands. What is taxisDave talking about this time? Bob?

(43:06):
All right, boys, I didn'texpect to clap my eyes on you too
when I saw that flag, butthen something about Michael hessel Tyne, and
you will have to take that totown. Robinson Cruser though you dust being
lids or else you'll get a MichaelEsseltyne. You need to take it to
town really fast though, No goon, no Robinson Crusoe, Michael,

(43:37):
Michael Heseltine. I feel like it'slike fast no no, fine, fine
Michael Hesseltine. Fine, we gota fine. What we're gonna find for
flying the flag? This hearkens backall the way to the sixteen hundred to
sixteen ninety two to be precise,when the Scottish Parliament passed an act making
it illegal, not just unlawful touse or replicate any royal heraldry, but

(44:00):
sixteen hundred that was obviously long beforethe flag had been adopted as our national
symbol. Well is the you know, the the national flag of Scotland is
the Saltire. It said that SaintAndrews saw on a blue sky too crossed
clouds and decided that that would bethe flag of Scotland. Beautiful imagery and

(44:23):
heldry that goes with that, notheldry, but heritage that goes with that.
I love the Scottish flag, Ireally do. I think the Sultire
is a very beautiful flag and allthat stuff. I really love the lion
rampant. It's a it's quite astark but I hadn't ever thought about it
as heraldry until you said that,like what forty seconds ago, I just

(44:46):
assumed that it was the lion ofScotland. But we know the national animal
of Scotland is I'll quiz you back, what's the national island in record?
Thank you very much. One ofthe only countries in the world that has
a mythical beasts in Wales. Yeah, there's a couple in the Middle East

(45:07):
that have got like m is itChimchara's the dragons and stuff like that,
but yeah, we have the unicornin Scotland, which is why if you
look at the coat of arms,the coat of arms for the monarchy,
it's a lion and the unicorn.The merging of the crowns, which was
exactly what we're talking about. Jamesthe sixth, James the first Yeah,

(45:27):
same man, different rain exactly,and the lion was royal heraldry, so
it couldn't be used by Richard andJames, so it couldn't be legally.
So we I did nearly ask youthis, are you specifically saying the lion
rampant when you said we were flyinga flag, because if we'd been flying
the saltime. I specifically said alion rampant. So if we'd been flying

(45:50):
the saltar, fine, it wouldhave been fine. But flying the lion
rampant is technically illegal. Still fiveand a half, three and a half.
Okay, question, Then we're movingin. We're moving in. We
need to get into the next whiskeyfast. I'm not sure how long it

(46:12):
is that we get flung out ofhere, but okay, question ten,
Bob, imagine if you will.I'm imagining it's later the same night.
Fun. We've got a lot ofplaces. Yeah, So after the police
or after the first guy, afterthe taxi driver later that night, Dave
Dave Taxi Dave. After several moredrinks that night have been consumed by everyone,

(46:35):
including the poor traveler Wendy, whohas now settled in and already finished
the crime dement selling very good.She's now well, we're now severely anybreated,
and I'm performing some hilarious party trickinvolving a whole side of smoked salmon.
I doubt it, but carry on, I am. When there's a
third knock at the door, beautifulnaturally, I answer the door, salmon

(47:05):
in hand, and this time thankfullyit's not the taxi driver from London Taxi
Dave. Dave's not there for salmonand rute there. But it's a police
officer. A fuck what we've done. They received a noise complaint earlier when
we were singing Caledonia by Dougie McLeantoo allowed. He's gonna be all right,
he'll be fine. However, assoon as he sees me with the

(47:29):
suspicious salmon under one arm, thenoise complaint is forgotten in lieu of a
far greater crime. What could thatcrime be? Salmon is owned by the
crown, so you're not allowed toremove it from the river until it's given
birth. Simon is not owned bythe crown. There are lots of animals

(47:52):
that are owned with the crown,and we'll talk about one later, but
salmon is not one of them.I thought there was a royal thing with
so salmon. I automatically think Scottishwaters. There's the salmon ladder out at
Deanston where we can go and seethem jumping up it. Ye. Is
it to do with the country you'rein and the animal you're holding. No,

(48:19):
I'm gonna have to concede this pointalistair. I think why would you
not be allowed to have the salmon? The salmon dead? Oh yeah,
samon's dead. Salmon's dead, Sam'sdead. It prepared in any way?
No, just a fresh fish,just fresh salmon. Was it with eggs?

(48:42):
No? No, just salmon.My immediate thought would have been suspicious,
suspicious. Nobody likes this, suspicioussalmon. My immediate thoughts would have
been you've removed it from native watersor something like that. But nope,

(49:04):
not giving it to you. Okay, fine, I don't know what the
score is, but mark that up, Bob. Is that full point to
you? Yeah? Five and ahalf three and a half. No,
it's way more than what question wasten six and a half six and a
half three and a half. Areyou making these numbers up just because I've
been drinking the whiskey? Yep,fair enough. I can't argue with that

(49:24):
now. I think it can betaken as given for the previous question that
I look suspicious. This cannot dowith the fucking questions. I know you
look suspicious. It's a fair betsince I looked suspicious burging on guilty ninety
percent of the time, like thetime you got caught in Tesco's having stolen
rolls and bacon because we were hungry. I never got caught for that,

(49:46):
so it didn't happen. You absolutelydid get caught for that. You got
held in Mike, the manager inTesco's office. Under Section twenty three of
the Salmon and Fisheries Act of eighteeneighty six, it is illegal to handle
a salmon suspiciously. I beg yourpardon. It is illegal to handle the

(50:08):
salmon suspiciously. Alista, stand up, stand up, keep your head,
keep your headphones on, but standup. Mime holding a suspicious salmon for
me. Oh so it's about yourexpression rather than the salmon, right because

(50:28):
what you just did there is mildlysexual, but was suspicious. So you're
the suspicious person, not the salmon. Yeah, exactly. Okay, fine,
I will make Ali do that again. I'll take a photo of him
and post them social media. Granted, I will admit this law was passed
to discourage and prevent the large scalesale of illegal salmon. I'll do enjoy

(50:53):
a poach salmon. It was notbrought about to penalize a suspicious Scotsman holding
a single lascid fish. But Iwas still breaking the law with your suspicious,
suspicious salmon. No, it's notsuspicious salmon. It's suspicious. I
was holding the salmon suspiciously. Yes, the salmon. Salmon wasn't suspicious,

(51:14):
it was dead. It was Imean it was inherently angry. That is
an ex salmon. It's not.We're not doing money python just now.
This is the fucking second episode thisevening, So just get all my okay,
and you've been feeding me whiskey likeI can't fucking see you need another

(51:35):
one? Drink that one. GavisGone. If Gavis Cone wants to sponsors,
Honestly, I'd save a forgin.I could buy a bigger house if
I got free Gavis Gone, GavisGone. If you're listening, we're affected
by the issues raised and twisted Britaintonight. No, we're affected by the
issues that we do to ourselves.Yeah, but we'd really like some Gavis

(51:55):
Gone. I'll fucking advertise the shipout of you. Well, but it's
pink and liquid. No, I'mtalking about the Chalky Ones. Oh,
no, the worst one. OhI love them. No, I love
not done with them. I remembeused to buy a quarter of sweeze.
Yeah, I'd buy a quarter ofgaviscan. That's too much gavisk Oh,
great chewy bit and a chalky bit, but they get stuck in your teeth

(52:16):
and a bit they fix your tummy. Get that get that whiskey down you
for a question a living m Iwon't even make you drink another one yet,
not till question twelve. But whatdid I have to don it?

(52:37):
What do you want it now?Though? Yes? Sure was this week?
Rocket flask's rocket flask? Don't pourit all in? Okay, it's
not a big flask. I hopeyou had one too. Yeahs one sounds

(52:58):
bob. Now we're drinking been preten year old. Don't say it loudly,
we'll get flung out. Now we'redrinking a latter ten year old.
Question number, Question number eleven,This is it's getting harder. Work out.

(53:21):
I'll give you that. I thinkI don't know, man, the
words are getting blurry. Now imagineif you will, what was the score
six and a half to three anda half. Carry on, there's still
space for both of us to winhere. You never know. Imagine if
you will, this next entirely hypotheticalscenario. The two of us are back

(53:43):
in London. London, London.No, I don't think Dave's in this
one though it's a few years fromnow. Oh fuck, life is good
and we're out celebrating with our betterhalves. Sounds lovely. The simple fact
that Sarah loves me is more thanenough reason for me to celebrate. But
top of that, you've been awardedbest British person at whatever it is you

(54:04):
do, so the free wine isflowing. Best British independent podcaster that presents
a podcast and a pub that one, that one you've got awarded that?
Yeah, boy, Now after theafter after party. To be fair,
I think you're my only compeition.I'm not sure how many people will be

(54:24):
competing against. It might just bemade you for the for the gold medal.
But we can do it away.After the after after party, as
the four of us, me andSarah and you and Ross are ambling through
the streets of London intoxicated. Doesn'tsound like us. No, Sarah turns

(54:45):
to me and looks into my eyeswith her eyes and says, with her
eyes that's how people talk, gotit. It turns to me and she
says, my darling, big love, because that's what she some calling me,
not what she calls you and imberI was there when you met.

(55:07):
She's never called you big love.Fact really my darling Alley, because that's
small my name, small Love.I've always wondered what it would be like
to make love on the back ofa moving motorbike. Ah yeah, never
one, not giving you a backie. Never want to stifle my baby's desires.

(55:29):
I quickly acquiesced her request, andwe find a street with a few
bikes on it and set about thesimple task of hot wiring one. That's
not a good thing to do,but we do it. That done,
I start the bike up, Sarahslides in behind me, and off we
go. Some very choice boards here. But now now, also still being

(55:52):
young, attractive, sexually active adults, you and Roz might do some kissing
and some heavy cuddling. I wantto the other safely parked motorbikes on the
pavement. I doubt a lot ofthat sentence. The question is, I
mean, can we do Let's justwait it up a minute, young young,

(56:13):
young, attractive sexually active adults,I think was what I said.
Adults. We've been to get seventeenyears and married for eight of them.
We are not young. I've I'mliterally one hair cut away from bald.
My wife is beautiful and very attractive. She just looks at me every now

(56:37):
and again and goes, Okay,but let's pretend you were kissing and cuddling
on a park. We can pretendthat the question is you were kissing and
cuddling on a parked motorbike, anda policeman happened by, just as Sarah
and I did a drive by.Who's actually breaking the law? A couple

(56:58):
of questions, who's driving your motorbike? Me while getting fullatiled. Sure,
we'll go with that. We'll gowith that. Rother and I are just
leaning against a bike. Heavy petting, heavy petting, don't no bombing,
no gymnastics, no, no heavypetting, heavy petting. I would like

(57:20):
to argue with the policeman that youdon't know how to drive a motor and
the most illegal thing that's going onright now is your control of moike.
One. You can't take points ona technicality, a bonus point for this
one illegal you're driving a motorbike.Okay, but we're both getting a point.

(57:43):
Then. Well, no, I'venot decided my outcome here yet.
All right, I'm going to invitethe policeman in and we're all gonna have
a love leavening. You're not.I'm going to go with the public indecency
of us being in a street outweighsthe fact that you shouldn't be getting sucked

(58:05):
off on a motorbike. D Yeah, you're almost right. The answer is
most likely all of us. ButLondon Metropolitan Law does only state that it
is illegal to have sex on aparked motorbike, not a moving one.
Who knows. Maybe I would hopeyou would. Maybe with the right lawyer
and the right judge, Sarah andI could get off, so to speak,

(58:27):
on a technicality, that's too manythings for me to jump in on
there that I'm just gonna let go. Okay, No, I mean to
be honest. Neither was a gettinga point for this. I'm rolling on
this. Neither is a getting apoint because no point. No, there's
no points awarded to this question.You can't ride a fucking motorbike. And

(58:49):
if you were riding a boat,motorbike, mokerbike, and if you were
riding a motorbike, if she touchedyour you'd both fall off. That is
true. So we'll be looking ata different crime, So no points either
of us. Okay and half sixand a half tway and a half.

(59:10):
We stalemate. Next question, Questiontwelve. I can't remember what it is
well, and I know it's fifteenminutes to last orders. Imagine if you
will? Okay, Well, wehave to. We've got like some questions
to go through. Imagine if youwill. I will. After being released

(59:30):
by the officer on duty with anofficial slap on the wrist and an unofficial
high five for our brief bonking onbikes, yep, we decide on a
quiet day's fishing to recuperate. Obviouslylast thing I would choose to do.
But it's in a dyllic English afternoon. Don't like them. Following our delicious
picnic, you and I fished thehours away with a few beers, while

(59:52):
our beautiful wives put away the bestpart of four bottles of pinot and the
last of those kinds of cocktails thatyou had. I've always got a spare
one. It's a lazy summer's day. A strangely long canoe with about a
dozen young men, all dressed inpristine white working oars in perfect unison,
goes gliding by for no discernible reason. I feel like you've enjoyed that more

(01:00:13):
than anybody else. What's the pointof those canoes though? Now? But
did you enjoy the young men intheir white canoeing past? No, you,
liar, I quite enjoyed it.But what is the point of those
canoes though? I get like canoeraces, normal canoe races and boat races
because you've got a boat, anda boating is a thing. Man.
Yeah, but you get a boatand you race it. But apart from

(01:00:36):
it the Oxford and Cambridge boat race, when have you ever seen like a
twenty foot long canoe with fourteen menrowing it? Never? I've googled some
things exactly. Anyway, that's notpertinent or important. What is important is
that you and I are fishing forsturgeon yep, and we're not having a
whole lot of luck. I caughtaway nicola earlier, but we were again.

(01:01:01):
We're having a little luck until youcatch a very real and very huge
sturgeon. This sturgeon is so bigit might be a record breaker. I
don't know how big sturgeon get,but it takes both of us to hold
this bad boy onto land record breakers. Just then, though we're approached by

(01:01:21):
a passerby who was walking by theriver or the ocean, wherever the fuck
sturgeon live. You'll probably by thispoint guess who it is. No,
it's Taxi, Dave. It's TaxiDave. Dave looks at us holding the
sturgeon and he says, hello,my Rob, Roy's fancy seeing you again.

(01:01:44):
Yeah, I had two couples werecaught having a Melvin brag on a
clever mic last night. That wouldn'thave been you been lids, would it.
Anyway? That ain't why I stopped. Obviously it ain't my taitan lyle
to stick my Irish rose in.But I don't want you fridge freezers getting
in any barney rubble. If youknow what our Billy Jean. Now,

(01:02:07):
that Lilian gish that you have thereis huge, but all sturgeon belonged to
the big bum. You know whatI mean? What's Dave talking about this
time? Bob? So, Ican't believe I make you two guys again.
I've literally for a London cabby,traveled traveled the entire fucking world.

(01:02:28):
My name is Dave. Stop turningup at my house, Dave. I
can't believe it's you two geezers.That big fresh you shouldn't have it because
because I'll do the last better again. Now I'm there, I'm there,

(01:02:51):
I'm there, I'm there. Youjust need him in aspect again. Now
that Lilian gish you have there ishuge, but all stir belonged to the
big bum. You know what Imean. There's a big fish you've got,
it belongs to your mom. Ohno, I'm taking your point because

(01:03:13):
I'm a mean motherfucker. The answeris that it might not be prudent to
fish for sturgeon, as sturgeon,much like dolphins, whales, and swans,
are considered property of the crowd.I fucking said that about salmon,
and therefore they belonged to the reigningmonarch. This dates back to Edward the

(01:03:34):
Second in thirteen twenty four, whenhe declared the sturgeon, which was for
some reason, it is a royalfish favorite dish, a royal fish.
I fucking knew that. I didn't. I didn't say it because you just
hoisted me out of the salmon shit. Now, these statutes were brought in
to stop the general population from catchingand eating what was the royal's favorite food

(01:03:59):
at the time. Now, today. Yeah, the swans now today,
hunting or eating most of these animalsis far less frequent and far less acceptable.
We have recognized the incredible intelligence ofdolphins and whales, and we appreciate
the grace and the beauty of theswan. But the poor sturgeon is still
hunted up and down the rivers andestuaries of the UK. Who can withrod,

(01:04:23):
But it's still property of the crown, So under royal prerogative, any
sturgeon cap must still be declared tothe receiver of Rex because apparently dead fish
counts flotsam. Where we're scoring,are you thinking I'm taking that point?
You're taking a full point for that, Yeah, because you're so far ahead.
Six and a half, four anda half, six and a half,
four and a half. Question thirteen. I was enjoying this. I'm

(01:04:49):
enjoying this quite a lot. Also, the whiskey is really nice. Oh
yeah, yeah, I'm having alovely time. Question thirteen. Bob,
these you need to be quick.Let's go hit them up. Imagine if
you will, Twisted Britain takes off, becomes globally successful like Facebook. You
and I are the unsung voices ofthe forgotten generation. We are the heads

(01:05:11):
of the major majority. What wasthat word? It was meant to be
major minority. Eh, A majormajority is fine. At the height of
our powers, we're both called tothe Houses of Parliament for an open debate
on the reinstitution of corporal punishment.Okay, since the two of us are
back in London, and since thedrinks in the incredibly swanky hotel that the

(01:05:34):
British Government has put us up inour complimentary we get hammered the night before,
of course we do. Waking upin the morning is disorientating, to
say the least, but we pullit together. So it's like crime con.
Every time I got a crime conwith you, I have no idea
if you're going to be in thesame room as we Oh yeah, but
we pull it together. You manageto get the duck out of the shower

(01:05:56):
while I attempt to remove the fullsuit of sixteenth century armor that I'm wearing.
I mean, it's similar to thefact that the last time we went
and spent a hotel together, Iwoke up in the morning completely on my
own, and you woke up prettymuch engaged. That is almost true,
very new. It's funny because he'sthrough ducks in the bath less surprising.

(01:06:19):
You got to duck out of thebath anyway. It was the armor that
was a problem. The chest plateand the arms were no problem, and
the head came off thankfully, butI'll be damned if I could work out
the bottom half. So we hadto attend the Houses of Parliament with me
in half a suit of armor andyou with your hair dyed purple. The
question is what law is being brokenif we set foot in the Houses of

(01:06:42):
Parliament. I'm going to go withso the mild things I know about the
Commons in Westminster. I'm actually workingdown there next week. I'm very much
not looking forward to it. They'vegot hooks for their swords in the in

(01:07:03):
the cloakrooms, and they've got placesfor heraldry to be hung. So I
mean, it's it's one of theit's one of the oldest active parliaments in
the world. I don't know ifthat's in a fact, but it's certainly
got to be up there. Idon't think it would be a surprise if

(01:07:29):
not wearing your full suit was illegal. If you're going to commit to me
like a kilt these days, dressingin a kilt is optional. Like decent
T shirt, good socks, boots, you can style it out with a
kilt. I feel like going toWestminster in half a suit of armor.

(01:07:53):
You're fucked up. No, No, miles off. Five and a half,
six and a half, five anda half, sex and a half
to Bob. The answer is thatit is illegal to enter the Houses of
Parliament or any royal assembly wearing asuit of armor or bearing any arms,
and it has been since thirteen thirteen, when Edward the Second Decreed in all

(01:08:17):
Parliaments, treatises and other assemblies whichshould be made in the realm of England
forever every man shall come without allforce or armor. Every man will be
equal in this chamber. Yeah,it's not just that, though, MPs
at the time had taken to settlingtheir differences with swords rather than words,

(01:08:39):
and other MPs had taken to wearingsuits of armor to the Houses of Commons
to protect themselves from the ones usingswords. Reasonable response. But if you
remove the need for the armor,you have to remove the need for the
sword. Yeah, well you can'tbear arms either. Six and a half,
five and a half, six anda half, five and a half.

(01:09:01):
Question fourteen. This is exciting.It's almost all to play for.
If I get this one, you'refucked. I get Yeah, if you
get this one, the fucked.I can't remember what the question is either
because I'm drunk. Always imagine this. If you will, I will.
Where were we last time? Summerafternoon? Right? The police weren't super

(01:09:25):
happy with the suit of armor mixedup, and after our now numerous previous
mix up, they give us fourmonths in a spa as a sentence.
It is lovely and we got outon good behavior. That sounds doubtful,
but we go out on good behaviorfrom London prison. And we're waiting to

(01:09:46):
go back home. London, Londonprison. Pick one, London you gate,
you gate right, well, thenyou get okay, you gate prison
in November? No, oh,cold month, cold month. Yeah,
And we're waiting to go back home. We're waiting to go back home.
We have a few hours to killbefore the plane home, which might be

(01:10:10):
delayed anyway, because a thick layerof snow is covering London and more is
falling by the minute. Don't dowell with snow, No, London,
don't do well with snow. Butwith nothing we do though, Ah,
Scotland's good at snow. We're withnothing else to do, we not back
a few jars and we set aboutconverting an airport trolley into a sledge.

(01:10:30):
We've nailed it. Yeah. Nowthe slide that we make for our sledge
is epic and it obviously ends ina big jump as all would you could
runs should would you call it aluge? We're a fair distance from any
people and we're having a whale ofa time. The question is are we
breaking a law? I mean,I think making a LUs in an airport

(01:10:53):
is should be a league. We'refar away from people, so what it's
like? It's fucking freezing cold inthe airport and we've gone sledging in London.
Yes, it doesn't matter. We'rein London, could be anywhere in
London, but we've gone sledging.Sledging can't be illegal. If it had

(01:11:17):
been on the airport property specifically,i'd have said, yes, illegal.
London, the borough city massive expansethat is London. It can't be illegal
to sledge. I'm going sledging isfine. It can be illegal to sledge,

(01:11:41):
but I will give you half apoint and me have a point.
Section seven, Section fifty four ofa Metropolitan Police Act does state that any
person who shall make or use anyslide upon ice or snow in any street
or thorough can be arrested or fined, but only if said person is a

(01:12:04):
common danger to others. What's acommon danger? A reasonable danger? Just
an arsehole? Yeah, an arseholein the street. West Ledge, So
we'd both get done, probably,okay? Half a point each? Half
a point each, which means thelast question pointless of one's pointless. You've

(01:12:27):
won. I haven't an adding butmath, but who cares. Let's have
the last question. Let's have thelast question and celebrate my win. Let's
go final question, the question thatmeans absolutely nothing, because Bib technically already
beating me at the quiz. Yes, imagine if you will. A few
days after we get back from ouradventures. In fact, our first recording

(01:12:51):
night after we get back from ouradventures, another near perfect episode recorded.
The first we're standing outside the settlein. I'm having a quick smoke.
You're keeping me company, when suddenlyyou'll never guess who roars up in a
Dolorean? Who's there? Well,the DeLorean should have given you a little

(01:13:13):
bit of a clue. It's DocBrown. Sorry, it was the actual
DeLorean. It's the actual DeLorean andit's Doc Brown. And Doc Brown jumps
out of the Dolorean and says,great, Scott, Ali, what are
you doing. We've got to getback to London nineteen seventy six right now
to make sure your parents get togetherlike they supposed to. I know your

(01:13:34):
parents and they would argue that fact. So we jump in the DeLorean and
we set off back to London nineteenseventy six on another brief adventure beautiful six
years before we were born. Yeah, as seven years before you were born.
As we traverse the swirling mists oftime in a low end Irish sports

(01:13:55):
card, Doc Brown explains, Caddy, but my mum and dad might not
get together if we don't stop theevil rich aristocrat Sir Hubert money Pants from
wooing my mum. I bet yourmom regrets it. She absolutely regrets not
getting together with Sir Hubert money Pants. Fortunately, the situation resolves itself quite

(01:14:19):
quickly when we emerge into London nineteenseventy six, four feet in front of
Sir Hubert money Pants in a cardoing eighty eight miles an hour. Yeah,
so for now, at least thetime continuum is safe. We help
Doc Brown bundle up Sir Hubert moneyPants's body into the front seat because I
don't think the Loreans have a boot, and he zips off to dispose of

(01:14:42):
the body in a prehistoric volcano.I feel we've gone quite extravagant on this
last question. I drank the wholebottle of pino by this point. Oh
are you offering double points on this? Yeah? Sure? Why not?
Yeah? I am. Do youwant to offer ten points? I might
offer ten points for this one,so you might win. You're all quiz

(01:15:02):
to get home. We need tomeet Doc Brown at Crystal Palace in one
hour, so we heal a blackcab. Oh it's Dave Cabby. It's
nineteen seventy six. Oh. Sorry. The Cabby turns to us and he
says, hello there, my lemonsqueezers, arm Will you look like you
need a Sherbert dab? Where areyou lads? Scapper flowing? Then I

(01:15:27):
tell him we're going to Crystal Palace. Yep, he says, screaming.
Alice. Now Indian curries my RobRoyce and this Bonnie and Clyde is on
the house. Lads. Something aboutyou reminds me of my son, little
Dave. So no sausage and mashedfor this Burton Ernie. It's fucking Dave's
Da, Dave's Da, Stave's da. What the fox he just said this?

(01:15:53):
Anyway, it doesn't matter. Aftera few minutes in the cab we
noticed a large beal of hey strappedto the act why. In fact,
we noticed that most of the vehicleson the road have hey strapped to them.
Dreading the answer, we asked willDad to Taxi Dave and he says,

(01:16:14):
oh, yeah, the bales ofducks ass on all the andrew Mars.
Apparently the bottles and stoppers are sendingfolk to all the ginger Ale if
they ain't got no ducks ass ontheir gem jars. What is Dave's dad
talking about? So there's something onthe cars ducks ass that the police are
sending people to jail for if they'venot got it on their car. Bales

(01:16:39):
of ducks ass, bales of ducksass. Oh god, it's worth ten
points, you're gonna win. I'mgoing back to double points. Ducks ass,
ducks ass ass, So it's goingto run with ass and I should

(01:17:02):
point out. I couldn't find aCockney rhyming slam for the word hey,
hey, I don't know that.Oh dear, have you fucked me at
the last moment? I might havefucuate the last question, Bob. The
answer is that until nineteen seventy six, when it was repealed, there was

(01:17:27):
a law that said that any vehicleusing the road must have at least one
small bale of hay on hand.Qua. It was an ancient law,
dating back to before motorized transport,and it was obviously never enforced to feed
the horses exactly. It's a fuelingissue. Fuck off. Absolutely, you're

(01:17:49):
not taking the win on a fuelingissue. No, I'm solely declaring myself
the first winner of the first officialever Twisted Britain Weird Whiskey Challenge Quiz Weird
Law Whiskey Taste Test. Congratulations,I've won. You did you did well?

(01:18:12):
I did all right? I meanI've got some of them. I'm
not taking your fucking last silly one. And if we ignore the last one,
the winner, you're the winner.Love one of pop quizz out.
Honestly, thank you very much.Else that I thoroughly enjoyed that. That's
an hour and forty minutes worth ofrecording. Yeah, I mean it was
a lot of fun, but itwas a lot of fun. You had

(01:18:34):
a lot of fun tonight. You'regetting a taxi home this yening. Yeah,
taxi home because your train left awile a while ago. Now,
not got anything else but just Ithink we I think we've said a lot
this evening. We don't need todo anything if you If you've enjoyed this
one, it's a weird one,but a lot of twisted Britain is Ali
and I just told them to eachother about what we what we think of,

(01:18:57):
what we believe. So if you'veenjoyed and laughed along with us this
evening, check out our other episodes. There's one hundred of them available.
Ali's on about fifty of them.I don't Yeah, in fact, this
is your episode, Alistair. Youcan lead us off. Have you anything
else to say? Thanks for joiningus, thanks for listening. If you

(01:19:19):
enjoyed this, we can do anotherone. There are more whiskeys that we
could try and cojole to sponsor us. If you're listening, Glenn Drunach,
Bell Brie or literally bo Vennie,you've literally hold yourself out there. I
was literally gonna go with do youwant to say thank you, love you

(01:19:39):
bye? That's right, thank you, love you bye, thank you love
you bye, thank your few.Bye. I hear yourself, thanka you
Bye. Don