April 29, 2025 • 11 mins
Murphy and Sam get honest about guilt and alcohol.
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to the Murphy Salmon Chodi after the Show podcast.
Speaker 2 (00:03):
One of our favorite things to do is take the
podcast and take this time to dig in deeper, a
little bit deeper into the things that you send us.
We welcome your communication all the time. We like connecting
with you on social media, and you can email us
and call of course. So this is an email and
I think a lot of families can relate. It's from
Laura and it says, hey, I love the show. Thank
(00:25):
you Laura, Thank you Sam and Murphy for your honesty
about alcoholism. I grew up in an alcoholic home and
married an alcoholic. As a kid, I did feel like
I missed out on some times with my dad because
he was at home drinking. Unfortunately, he passed away before
I could spend time with him as an adult. I
(00:46):
do forgive him, because alcoholism is a disease, and I
know he did not mean his actions. However, I do
wonder how much I missed out on my own children
because of my interaction with my alcoholic husband. Even though
I spent as much time with them as I could,
I often wonder if my obsession with my alcoholic took
away from them. I'm very active in Alanon and adult
(01:10):
children of alcoholics, and it has changed my life with
my children and everyone else I come into contact with daily.
He's good, just a reminder your kids and family love you.
The past cannot be changed, but we can build healthier
relationships from this day forward. More than ever, we know
just how precious our time is with our loved ones.
(01:33):
Asking for forgiveness is a step we can take to heal.
If they choose not to accept it, that is okay.
It will help us heal because we know we've made
an effort to make amends to the ones we hurt,
and we've admitted our wrongs. Forgiveness is just as much
for us as it is for them. Sorry, this is
so long. Don't be sorry, it's long. So proud of
(01:55):
you both, and have a great day. That's from Laura.
Speaker 1 (01:59):
Thank you, Laura. Thank you for sharing that. You know,
I mean the thing is sharing that is also part
of that healing process for her, probably for everybody around her.
So it's really good that she shared that. And and
guilt is a guilt is a bad thing because it
is a weight that can just linger if it's not addressed.
Speaker 3 (02:16):
I think a lot of people are carrying a guilt
for their lives.
Speaker 1 (02:19):
Yeah, and you know, the part of twelve step is
the making amends and letting go of those things because
you have to. You're not going to You don't accomplish
anything for the future by holding on to your guilt
from the past, especially if you've made meaningful change in
your life.
Speaker 2 (02:35):
And what she's saying is, even if you do your
part and you make amends, it may not land. It
may they may not be ready to accept it. But
that's okay. You still have to do it for you
and in their own time. You cannot control the outcome.
You just can control what you can do, which is beautiful.
And I will say this as someone I have always
(02:57):
I've been around alcoholism my whole life, and my whole life,
I feel very lucky.
Speaker 3 (03:03):
To have been.
Speaker 2 (03:05):
I don't know what you what you call it spared right,
I feel very very lucky.
Speaker 3 (03:10):
But it really does.
Speaker 2 (03:11):
What she's saying speaks a hundred million truths because it
does affect everyone. When you grow up and you love
someone who has an addiction, you're involved.
Speaker 3 (03:20):
You just don't realize it.
Speaker 2 (03:22):
I when I was a little girl, you know, you
when you're when you're involved with someone who has an addiction,
and you think you can love them through it. You
think you can love them enough, and you can talk
to them enough, and you can you can help, and
you have to realize how powerless you are too. It
affects everybody.
Speaker 3 (03:41):
You know, it took me a long time to go
I love you, but you know I have to do.
Speaker 2 (03:46):
It from a distance because you know you're choosing certain
things that I don't want for you. It affects everybody, Laura,
so thank you for that email.
Speaker 4 (03:57):
You know, Murphy, you were talking about guilt there, and
this is what's really funny. It's the dichotomy, the walking
dichotomy that is Sam. I'm a very intelligent person. I
know better. I know to let go of it, but
I don't know if I ever will. I mean, it's
like I've moved on obviously, I haven't had a drink.
I'll be It'll be eight years in September. It's awesome,
(04:20):
and I've moved forward with creating new sober memories or
normal memories with the kids and doing stuff. But it's
like I still got that fine cabinet in the back
of my head of pictures that pop up every now
and then remind me or things or situations, and it's
like robbing the time that I had with my kids.
Speaker 1 (04:43):
It's over.
Speaker 3 (04:44):
You have trouble for giving yourself.
Speaker 4 (04:46):
Yeah, it's over. I mean eight years that would have
put the twins it's seventeen, Jackson at nineteen, you know,
and by then they're out of their teeth.
Speaker 1 (04:57):
It's you know, yeah, but the you made the change
and they've been able to experience the simmer version of you.
Speaker 3 (05:03):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (05:04):
And so, I mean that's the thing about history. It's
a tricky thing. History is a very dark thing. Our
memories can be very dark. But we can't change what happened.
And that's I mean, really, we really can't. Every time
you think about that, you're not going to be able
to rearrange it in some way where it's okay. That's
the reason you have to let go of it, because
it truly is what it is. And I guess that
(05:27):
I don't want to say that I was lucky. My
journey through all that was very, very different because my
dad was throughout my entire high school career, part of
my middle school career, and my high school career was drunk.
By the time I get home from school. He worked
shift work at a refinery, and so little did we
(05:51):
know at that time. Eventually he was drinking at work.
He was drinking all day. We didn't know. But excuse me,
even though you know it's not normal, you begin to
accept something that you really shouldn't be accepting. And I
think that's where the problem comes along, because that acceptance
becomes enabling, and then enabling never changes the situation. And
even though it's the person with the addiction, they have
(06:13):
to be the one to make the change and acknowledge, Okay,
I can't control this, which is the single biggest thing
you can do. Once you acknowledge that part, you actually
opened the door. But you know, my dad, it took
him getting dragged into a rehab center, but once he
was done, he was dry. And the greatest memories of
my dad, I mean, I have incredibly fond memories as
(06:33):
a child too. He didn't start drinking, like I said,
until middle school, but he when you were in middle school,
I'm sorry, Yes, when I was in middle school, yes,
but I still have wonderful family memories of that time.
But my dad became a more connected person to us
in those later years, and it was thirty years and
he until the day he passed. He said that there
(06:55):
were things that he regretted. He regretted before he was drinking,
not doing things with us, and it's like, we don't
think twice about that. He was always the funny one.
He was always the you know, the cool one that
we enjoyed being around. But going through that, you know,
with with my dad, for you know, for me, when
it finally hit me, it kind of took a moment
like that for me to go, Okay, wait, I got
to stop this. And I wasn't. I wasn't drinking throughout
(07:16):
the day. I wasn't doing any of that. But what
I was beginning to do was excuse me. I was
beginning to drink almost every night, right, Jody, you know,
and it was something that I was beginning to look
forward to. And somehow the mixed blessing of the worst
thing that ever happened to me, one of the worst
things that ever happened to me, you know, getting the
(07:36):
dui and understanding the danger of that situation, somehow God
intervened and you know, I wasn't going to try to
control that anymore. I had to make a change, and
I think Jody was even concerned at that point what
I actually, you know, make that change. But so that
regret all that movie, the same thing you're talking about,
still plays back, you know, in my head, and it's
(07:58):
taken me a while to I don't going to say
forgive myself for it because I don't want to let
go of that part. But maybe there's good in that
pain because it keeps you on the track.
Speaker 4 (08:09):
I guess. I mean, it's in my head, it's in
my I know it existed. I try not to let
it affect my relationship now with kids, are moving forward
with anybody, but it's like every now and then, you know,
you get one of those little brain snippets that remember this, Yeah, that.
Speaker 2 (08:25):
Proves that you are alive and that you have a heart.
I mean honestly, especially for your family, especially for your children.
But everybody lives with regret, and people who have addiction
problems live with that regret and the regret of the
actions and the time lost. But it is also I mean,
so there you're going to live with regret if you
really live and you have people in your life, you
have relationships, we all have regret. But another thing that
(08:51):
maybe you don't see it this way, is that your
children have.
Speaker 3 (08:58):
They've seen you make the change.
Speaker 2 (09:01):
That's remarkable because children are always watching you, whether they
let you know that or not. Children are not nagging, going, well,
you know my dad used to do this, That's not
what they focus on. And they were if you probably
have not talked to them about it.
Speaker 4 (09:17):
But no, I have have been brought up like, yeah,
when you used to this, and you used to that,
and to me, you know, and I'm drinking, I'm getting
away with it and I'm doing my thing. But they were.
They were noticing. Yes, they weren't pointing it out to
me because it's dad, you know, but I can tell
mom what Dad's doing and which is fine. But yeah,
(09:39):
they they were noticing it, but I didn't know they
were noticing it.
Speaker 2 (09:43):
What I'm saying though, to you, is that they've noticed
that you made the change, which is a really beautiful
thing for a child to watch a parent take their
own life into their own hands and make change, hard change,
because they're paying attention to your actions more than your words.
Speaker 3 (10:00):
I know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1 (10:01):
I was very I was very proud of my dad.
I'm sure they're just as proud of you. Honestly, Joey's
right about that, you know. And the other thing is,
you know, God forbid that gene get passed down, you know,
because it does in many cases. What I learned from
my dad, Honestly, what my dad went through, I think
is part of the reason I understood I had to
make a change. If I hadn't really had that experience
(10:22):
around me and gone through his you know, rehab process
and all of those things, I don't know that I
would have been as connected or as understanding. I don't
know that I would have escaped the enabling I guess
what I'm saying, you.
Speaker 3 (10:34):
Know, Yeah, I'm not a Pollyanna approach. I'm not saying it.
Speaker 2 (10:37):
You know, you don't have regrets, and you do have regrets,
and that just that's something that you have to learn
to forgive yourself for.
Speaker 3 (10:46):
But they have what you've given them today. How many
years did you say?
Speaker 1 (10:49):
Eight years?
Speaker 2 (10:50):
That's almost a decade of a sober dad. Yeah, maybe
you need to remember that. Maybe that needs to be
filed and talking to you sometimes too.
Speaker 4 (10:58):
Maybe it's the dad jokes I need to get rid up.
Speaker 2 (11:01):
Thank you Laura for sending that beautiful heartfelt, real life message.
Send us anything anytime Murphysalmonjody dot com.
Speaker 3 (11:11):
Missed any part of the show. Get it all on
the Murphy Salmon Jody Podcast.
Welcome to the Murphy Salmon Chodi after the Show podcast.
Speaker 2 (00:03):
One of our favorite things to do is take the
podcast and take this time to dig in deeper, a
little bit deeper into the things that you send us.
We welcome your communication all the time. We like connecting
with you on social media, and you can email us
and call of course. So this is an email and
I think a lot of families can relate. It's from
Laura and it says, hey, I love the show. Thank
(00:25):
you Laura, Thank you Sam and Murphy for your honesty
about alcoholism. I grew up in an alcoholic home and
married an alcoholic. As a kid, I did feel like
I missed out on some times with my dad because
he was at home drinking. Unfortunately, he passed away before
I could spend time with him as an adult. I
(00:46):
do forgive him, because alcoholism is a disease, and I
know he did not mean his actions. However, I do
wonder how much I missed out on my own children
because of my interaction with my alcoholic husband. Even though
I spent as much time with them as I could,
I often wonder if my obsession with my alcoholic took
away from them. I'm very active in Alanon and adult
(01:10):
children of alcoholics, and it has changed my life with
my children and everyone else I come into contact with daily.
He's good, just a reminder your kids and family love you.
The past cannot be changed, but we can build healthier
relationships from this day forward. More than ever, we know
just how precious our time is with our loved ones.
(01:33):
Asking for forgiveness is a step we can take to heal.
If they choose not to accept it, that is okay.
It will help us heal because we know we've made
an effort to make amends to the ones we hurt,
and we've admitted our wrongs. Forgiveness is just as much
for us as it is for them. Sorry, this is
so long. Don't be sorry, it's long. So proud of
(01:55):
you both, and have a great day. That's from Laura.
Speaker 1 (01:59):
Thank you, Laura. Thank you for sharing that. You know,
I mean the thing is sharing that is also part
of that healing process for her, probably for everybody around her.
So it's really good that she shared that. And and
guilt is a guilt is a bad thing because it
is a weight that can just linger if it's not addressed.
Speaker 3 (02:16):
I think a lot of people are carrying a guilt
for their lives.
Speaker 1 (02:19):
Yeah, and you know, the part of twelve step is
the making amends and letting go of those things because
you have to. You're not going to You don't accomplish
anything for the future by holding on to your guilt
from the past, especially if you've made meaningful change in
your life.
Speaker 2 (02:35):
And what she's saying is, even if you do your
part and you make amends, it may not land. It
may they may not be ready to accept it. But
that's okay. You still have to do it for you
and in their own time. You cannot control the outcome.
You just can control what you can do, which is beautiful.
And I will say this as someone I have always
(02:57):
I've been around alcoholism my whole life, and my whole life,
I feel very lucky.
Speaker 3 (03:03):
To have been.
Speaker 2 (03:05):
I don't know what you what you call it spared right,
I feel very very lucky.
Speaker 3 (03:10):
But it really does.
Speaker 2 (03:11):
What she's saying speaks a hundred million truths because it
does affect everyone. When you grow up and you love
someone who has an addiction, you're involved.
Speaker 3 (03:20):
You just don't realize it.
Speaker 2 (03:22):
I when I was a little girl, you know, you
when you're when you're involved with someone who has an addiction,
and you think you can love them through it. You
think you can love them enough, and you can talk
to them enough, and you can you can help, and
you have to realize how powerless you are too. It
affects everybody.
Speaker 3 (03:41):
You know, it took me a long time to go
I love you, but you know I have to do.
Speaker 2 (03:46):
It from a distance because you know you're choosing certain
things that I don't want for you. It affects everybody, Laura,
so thank you for that email.
Speaker 4 (03:57):
You know, Murphy, you were talking about guilt there, and
this is what's really funny. It's the dichotomy, the walking
dichotomy that is Sam. I'm a very intelligent person. I
know better. I know to let go of it, but
I don't know if I ever will. I mean, it's
like I've moved on obviously, I haven't had a drink.
I'll be It'll be eight years in September. It's awesome,
(04:20):
and I've moved forward with creating new sober memories or
normal memories with the kids and doing stuff. But it's
like I still got that fine cabinet in the back
of my head of pictures that pop up every now
and then remind me or things or situations, and it's
like robbing the time that I had with my kids.
Speaker 1 (04:43):
It's over.
Speaker 3 (04:44):
You have trouble for giving yourself.
Speaker 4 (04:46):
Yeah, it's over. I mean eight years that would have
put the twins it's seventeen, Jackson at nineteen, you know,
and by then they're out of their teeth.
Speaker 1 (04:57):
It's you know, yeah, but the you made the change
and they've been able to experience the simmer version of you.
Speaker 3 (05:03):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (05:04):
And so, I mean that's the thing about history. It's
a tricky thing. History is a very dark thing. Our
memories can be very dark. But we can't change what happened.
And that's I mean, really, we really can't. Every time
you think about that, you're not going to be able
to rearrange it in some way where it's okay. That's
the reason you have to let go of it, because
it truly is what it is. And I guess that
(05:27):
I don't want to say that I was lucky. My
journey through all that was very, very different because my
dad was throughout my entire high school career, part of
my middle school career, and my high school career was drunk.
By the time I get home from school. He worked
shift work at a refinery, and so little did we
(05:51):
know at that time. Eventually he was drinking at work.
He was drinking all day. We didn't know. But excuse me,
even though you know it's not normal, you begin to
accept something that you really shouldn't be accepting. And I
think that's where the problem comes along, because that acceptance
becomes enabling, and then enabling never changes the situation. And
even though it's the person with the addiction, they have
(06:13):
to be the one to make the change and acknowledge, Okay,
I can't control this, which is the single biggest thing
you can do. Once you acknowledge that part, you actually
opened the door. But you know, my dad, it took
him getting dragged into a rehab center, but once he
was done, he was dry. And the greatest memories of
my dad, I mean, I have incredibly fond memories as
(06:33):
a child too. He didn't start drinking, like I said,
until middle school, but he when you were in middle school,
I'm sorry, Yes, when I was in middle school, yes,
but I still have wonderful family memories of that time.
But my dad became a more connected person to us
in those later years, and it was thirty years and
he until the day he passed. He said that there
(06:55):
were things that he regretted. He regretted before he was drinking,
not doing things with us, and it's like, we don't
think twice about that. He was always the funny one.
He was always the you know, the cool one that
we enjoyed being around. But going through that, you know,
with with my dad, for you know, for me, when
it finally hit me, it kind of took a moment
like that for me to go, Okay, wait, I got
to stop this. And I wasn't. I wasn't drinking throughout
(07:16):
the day. I wasn't doing any of that. But what
I was beginning to do was excuse me. I was
beginning to drink almost every night, right, Jody, you know,
and it was something that I was beginning to look
forward to. And somehow the mixed blessing of the worst
thing that ever happened to me, one of the worst
things that ever happened to me, you know, getting the
(07:36):
dui and understanding the danger of that situation, somehow God
intervened and you know, I wasn't going to try to
control that anymore. I had to make a change, and
I think Jody was even concerned at that point what
I actually, you know, make that change. But so that
regret all that movie, the same thing you're talking about,
still plays back, you know, in my head, and it's
(07:58):
taken me a while to I don't going to say
forgive myself for it because I don't want to let
go of that part. But maybe there's good in that
pain because it keeps you on the track.
Speaker 4 (08:09):
I guess. I mean, it's in my head, it's in
my I know it existed. I try not to let
it affect my relationship now with kids, are moving forward
with anybody, but it's like every now and then, you know,
you get one of those little brain snippets that remember this, Yeah, that.
Speaker 2 (08:25):
Proves that you are alive and that you have a heart.
I mean honestly, especially for your family, especially for your children.
But everybody lives with regret, and people who have addiction
problems live with that regret and the regret of the
actions and the time lost. But it is also I mean,
so there you're going to live with regret if you
really live and you have people in your life, you
have relationships, we all have regret. But another thing that
(08:51):
maybe you don't see it this way, is that your
children have.
Speaker 3 (08:58):
They've seen you make the change.
Speaker 2 (09:01):
That's remarkable because children are always watching you, whether they
let you know that or not. Children are not nagging, going, well,
you know my dad used to do this, That's not
what they focus on. And they were if you probably
have not talked to them about it.
Speaker 4 (09:17):
But no, I have have been brought up like, yeah,
when you used to this, and you used to that,
and to me, you know, and I'm drinking, I'm getting
away with it and I'm doing my thing. But they were.
They were noticing. Yes, they weren't pointing it out to
me because it's dad, you know, but I can tell
mom what Dad's doing and which is fine. But yeah,
(09:39):
they they were noticing it, but I didn't know they
were noticing it.
Speaker 2 (09:43):
What I'm saying though, to you, is that they've noticed
that you made the change, which is a really beautiful
thing for a child to watch a parent take their
own life into their own hands and make change, hard change,
because they're paying attention to your actions more than your words.
Speaker 3 (10:00):
I know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1 (10:01):
I was very I was very proud of my dad.
I'm sure they're just as proud of you. Honestly, Joey's
right about that, you know. And the other thing is,
you know, God forbid that gene get passed down, you know,
because it does in many cases. What I learned from
my dad, Honestly, what my dad went through, I think
is part of the reason I understood I had to
make a change. If I hadn't really had that experience
(10:22):
around me and gone through his you know, rehab process
and all of those things, I don't know that I
would have been as connected or as understanding. I don't
know that I would have escaped the enabling I guess
what I'm saying, you.
Speaker 3 (10:34):
Know, Yeah, I'm not a Pollyanna approach. I'm not saying it.
Speaker 2 (10:37):
You know, you don't have regrets, and you do have regrets,
and that just that's something that you have to learn
to forgive yourself for.
Speaker 3 (10:46):
But they have what you've given them today. How many
years did you say?
Speaker 1 (10:49):
Eight years?
Speaker 2 (10:50):
That's almost a decade of a sober dad. Yeah, maybe
you need to remember that. Maybe that needs to be
filed and talking to you sometimes too.
Speaker 4 (10:58):
Maybe it's the dad jokes I need to get rid up.
Speaker 2 (11:01):
Thank you Laura for sending that beautiful heartfelt, real life message.
Send us anything anytime Murphysalmonjody dot com.
Speaker 3 (11:11):
Missed any part of the show. Get it all on
the Murphy Salmon Jody Podcast.
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