December 14, 2023 • 26 mins
Loch swears his kindergarten teacher used to steal his cheese. But no one believes him.
Credits
This episode was produced by Phoebe Flanigan, Mohini Madgavkar, and Kalila Holt, along with Jonathan Goldstein. The supervising producer is Stevie Lane.
Editorial guidance from Emily Condon.
Special thanks to Pierce Singgih, Wendy Zukerman, and extra special thanks to Loch’s mom, Dawn.
The show was mixed by Bobby Lord.
Music by Christine Fellows, John K Samson, Blue Dot Sessions, Sean Jacobi, Matthew Hollingsworth, Jaybird Blonde, and Bobby Lord. Our theme song is by The Weakerthans courtesy of Epitaph Records.
Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:15):
Pushkin.
Speaker 2 (00:21):
Hello, Hi, Hi, I'm just out for a walk.
Speaker 1 (00:25):
What do I owe the pleasure?
Speaker 3 (00:27):
I have a story and I thought that you in
particular might be interested in it. Because it takes place
in Canada.
Speaker 4 (00:35):
It does create a special in my years, per cup.
Speaker 3 (00:38):
A little like Pavlov's bell. I hear Canada.
Speaker 2 (00:41):
Yeah, it's like my math starts to salivate.
Speaker 3 (00:43):
In fact, it's not just about Canada, but it's about
going to school in Canada, which you did.
Speaker 2 (00:49):
Yeah, I did. I was schooled in Canada. I went
through French immersion all the way from kindergarten up until
eleventh grade.
Speaker 3 (00:57):
Could you introduce the show in French?
Speaker 2 (01:00):
Oh? Boy, that's that's a lot to ask. What's what's
the name of the episode? The sat say, look suet
in bon Acute.
Speaker 3 (01:14):
That's beautiful. And there are the sounds of sirens to
ring us in.
Speaker 2 (01:20):
Yeah, they're the sirens of good narrative storyteller.
Speaker 3 (01:24):
Watch out, everybody. I'm Khalila Holt and this is heavyweight.
Today is heavyweight short lock.
Speaker 1 (01:45):
Right after the break, Hi, is this Lachlan? Hello?
Speaker 3 (02:01):
Hello?
Speaker 4 (02:02):
Can you hear me Ollo?
Speaker 3 (02:05):
Despite his lack of confirmation, this is indeed Lachlan or
Locke for short. Hi, It's Khalila calling.
Speaker 2 (02:12):
How are you?
Speaker 5 (02:15):
Oh Hi, how are you?
Speaker 3 (02:17):
Locke is twenty years old. When I ask him what
he does, he says he plants trees, but also he's traveling.
But also he's kind of a student. He's a disorienting
person to talk to. Like, despite the fact that we
exchanged multiple emails setting up this call, I forget yeah.
(02:41):
And in fact, it's Locke's questionable memory that we're here
to talk about today, because he's come to me with
an improbable story, something he recalls vividly but that no
one else believes actually happened. In revisiting this memory, Lock
hopes to expose an injustice, to unseat a tyrant, to
(03:02):
confront a nemesis he's obsessed over since he was just
five years old.
Speaker 5 (03:07):
But that's a call.
Speaker 3 (03:10):
Madame Nicole, Locke's kindergarten French immersion teacher.
Speaker 5 (03:20):
She wore like mean looking glasses and she kind of
scowled all the time.
Speaker 3 (03:25):
Locke describes her as an exact double of Edna Mode
from The Incredibles.
Speaker 5 (03:29):
That's exactly what she looks like, really tiny, short, black
hair cut off, really sharply, like a ninety degree angle,
and she like would just kind of walk around and
like do mean shit all the time.
Speaker 3 (03:43):
But what set her apart from your garden variety evil
French teacher was one particular habit. According to Locke, Madamnikole
was a thief. A cheese thief. Madamnicole stole cheese from
her five year old students.
Speaker 5 (04:00):
Sometimes I would just walk into class and it was
like before she starts the lesson, it was just like, oh,
do you have cheese today? And I'd say, yeah, so
she it You're kind of never see. Like sometimes if
I was in trouble, then she would like it would
(04:20):
be a punishment. She takes my cheese as punishment, but
it's hardly a punishment because she was gonna do it anyway.
She didn't even refrigerate it. She would put it in
this cabinet, like in a little wooden cabinet and had
a padlock on it, like as if I was going
to try to steal my cheese back.
Speaker 3 (04:36):
Do you believe that? I can't really believe it. It
seems made up like something a cartoon villain would do.
Speaker 5 (04:44):
I know how it sounds belief. It's pretty ridiculous, but
that's the problem, because I've told so many people and
they just laugh it off. I'm running a crew floor fire.
Speaker 3 (04:56):
If I did this season fighting forest fires being another
of locks many pursuits, so like, I'm I have to.
Speaker 5 (05:02):
Build some sort of credibility with my crew members. And
the first time I met a bunch of my crew members,
I told them this cheese story. They all started laughing
and say like, oh, come on, a bullshit. So now
all these people are about to work for me, the
only thing they know about me is that I have
this like totally false cheese story.
Speaker 3 (05:24):
So for Locke, the frustration isn't simply that this happened,
but that no one believes that it happened. Locke has
lost not only his cheese but his credibility because the
joy of sharing an unbelievable story lies and ultimately convincing
your audience that it's true. When you're done, you want
them to think, Wow, how completely wild. Not this man
(05:49):
is a total liar.
Speaker 5 (05:50):
I would just like to be able to tell the
story that people believe it some sort of validations that
are not.
Speaker 3 (05:56):
Completely insane, right, And so Locke wants me to obtain
a confession from the thief herself to prove that this
really went on. And what's more, he wants me to
find out why it went on, because.
Speaker 5 (06:11):
I don't think there's anyone in the world that is
that big of a fan of cheese that's killing You're
risking your career, Paul. I don't know if it's worth
firing over, but you know she's risky getting in trouble
for this. Like, I just don't get it. I just
don't understand at all what was going on there.
Speaker 3 (06:34):
Before I get to what was going on there, I
want some reassurance that anything was going on at all,
because if Locke can't even remember scheduling a phone call
last week, what are the chances he accurately recalls something
from when he was five. I don't want to go
around falsely accusing this elderly French Canadian woman of larceny.
(06:55):
So I asked Locke if he's still in touch with
anyone else from that class who might be able to
corroborate his memories.
Speaker 5 (07:01):
Yeah. I have a few friends. One of them, though,
is like is a notorious war But then another friend,
he's a pretty reliable guy.
Speaker 3 (07:10):
I start with lockslyer friend who rustles the phone around
as liars are wont to do and then hangs up
on me. But Locke's other friend, Colin, reliable as build
schedules of time to talk.
Speaker 6 (07:25):
I've known Lock since the class that was actually talking
about uh huh, And I always thought he was so
weird because he would eat the whole apple, including the core.
This is this kid in kindergarten that way, And that's
just like kind of his like personality is kind of
like hardcore like opera. He's finished an apple, there was
just nothing left.
Speaker 3 (07:45):
In other words, Locke's a guy who never gives up
on some things like apples are bringing cheese thieves to justice.
Speaker 6 (07:54):
He kind of commits to like weird things, like he
has a hard time committing to university, but he's like
so committed to getting getting to the bottom of the
story with them the code. But on that front, I
know Locke has these stories about her stealings. I can't
confirm more than that.
Speaker 3 (08:12):
That Colin has no memory of any cheese stealing. What's more,
his sister was also in madom Nichol's class, and she
doesn't remember it either.
Speaker 6 (08:27):
Like, honestly, I want to say it didn't happen. But
you can also tell that he's like frustrated by the
fact that I don't remember knowing Locke.
Speaker 3 (08:35):
Colin says, it's all too likely the story is something
he invented and then convinced himself was true. I'm not
altogether surprised by this turn of events, but I am
disappointed that the Kindergarten cheese burglar seems to be no
(08:58):
more than a myth, and like a terrier on the
scent of some buried bree, I can't help but dig
a little more. As it turns out, there are two
other people who were students of Madam Nicole. Locke's older brothers,
so I set up some time with his middle brother, Finn. Hello, Hi,
finn is Khalila.
Speaker 5 (09:22):
Oh sorry, completely.
Speaker 3 (09:24):
Scott, a family trade, I guess. Finn backs up Collin's
characterization of his brother as an untrustworthy, fabulous.
Speaker 4 (09:33):
Locks like a fantasy liar like Locke, believes the things
he's lying about a lot of the time. If I
were you getting a call from Lock and Lock only,
I would I would hang up and.
Speaker 3 (09:41):
Move on speaking with Finn. It seems increasingly foolish for
me to put any stock in Locke's barrel of lies
still like a terrier with a metalworking apprenticeship. I forge
ahead when I say, Madame Nicole, what are your associations?
Speaker 4 (10:00):
So immediately cheese. We all take out our stacks, and
she would like, ooh, famage and come in and like
grab one from somebody and then put it in her
little tupperware and go back to her desk.
Speaker 3 (10:13):
So finn like Locke remembers the thievery, which means Madam
Nicole had been stealing cheese for years before Locke even
came on the scene.
Speaker 4 (10:24):
So weird, but it's true.
Speaker 5 (10:26):
That's the weirdest part of it all.
Speaker 3 (10:29):
I also speak with Locke's oldest brother Owen.
Speaker 5 (10:32):
I love cheese, my mom do that.
Speaker 4 (10:33):
I'm like a cheese fanatic.
Speaker 3 (10:35):
Owen backs up lock story too. He tells me in
kindergarten he used to save his precious cheese for last,
making its cruel theft all the more painful.
Speaker 5 (10:46):
The clearest memory is probably the first time it happened,
and it was a baby bell.
Speaker 4 (10:50):
You know, this bread beacon in my lunch box, and
so just out it goes, and.
Speaker 3 (10:57):
She said next see for our anglophone listeners. Mercy is
the French word for thank you, And with that, I'm
ready to get a confession from the vulur herself or voluse,
I guess would be the feminine. I haven't taken French
(11:19):
in a long time. I'm ready to approche Madamnicole, if
only I can find her. When you're looking for something
you've lost, people always tell you to retrace your steps.
So I retrace lock steps back to his old school.
Speaker 6 (11:35):
You need to speak to someone in the main office.
Speaker 3 (11:37):
Please press zero to find out if Madominicole might still
be teaching there.
Speaker 1 (11:42):
No, she's not here, she's retired.
Speaker 3 (11:44):
Okay, would you happen to have any contact info for her?
Speaker 1 (11:48):
If you send me something, I could send it to her.
Speaker 3 (11:51):
And so I find myself composing a delicate email, something
vague and accusationless enough not to scare off Madomnikole. There's
an old student of yours. I say, he still thinks
about you all the time. He wants to confirm a memory.
But maybe I'm not delicate enough, because weeks go by
and I never hear back. The thief is on the lamb.
(12:19):
If Madamnicole likes cheese half as much as Locke remembers,
surely she must be getting her fixed somewhere, so with
no other leads on how to find her, I try
the only thing I can think of. I look up
every cheese shop within a ten mile radius of Locke's
(12:39):
old school and start calling. She's described to me as
at an a mode from The Incredibles if you've seen
that movie. I'm sorry you're asking about a specific customer, small,
big glasses.
Speaker 6 (12:52):
Unfortunately, no, thank you for calling, and have a grateful day.
Speaker 3 (13:02):
I do learn, though, that Madamnicole isn't the only burglar
out there. She's actually part of a grand tradition of theft.
Speaker 4 (13:10):
There's some issues with part of me, like Parmageno agiano,
like wheels of parm because you look at it like
a thousand bucks a wheel, right.
Speaker 5 (13:17):
A lot of theft in in the past. You know
you hear the stories.
Speaker 3 (13:20):
I have not heard the stories, but by now I'm
all in. So when I get off the phone, I
go looking for them. According to a report from the
Consortio del Fromaggio Parmigiano Reggiano, three million dollars worth of
parmesan cheese is stolen every year in Italy alone. Time
(13:42):
magazine says cheese in general is actually the most stolen
food in the world, and after my first fourteen YouTube
videos on the subject, I let auto play like Jesus
take the wheel.
Speaker 6 (13:55):
Right now, police are looking for twenty thousand pounds of
stolen cheese.
Speaker 5 (14:00):
Stage's fifteen is in trouble with police.
Speaker 3 (14:03):
There are still some holes in this case, but detectives
say they have stringed all the evidence together. Holes in
this case say cheese. It seems like it's physically impossible
for anyone reporting on cheese theft to do so without
making some terrible pun and as someone reporting on this
topic myself, I feel an obligation to my fellow journalists
(14:27):
to join the cheese pun fray. But jokes like that
are just really not my thing. I'd find it physically
uncomfortable too. For example, characterize Madmnicole as a monster, or
to say that I hope to close the caso. It
makes me want to throw up to think of asking
something like did you have an accomplice or did you
(14:48):
work prob alone? You wouldn't catch me dead. Referring to
all that cheese sitting in a locked cabinet as a
FETA comply, I'm finally saved from the depths of my
despair and cheese video induced badness by two critical pieces
(15:10):
of information. The first comes from Locke's family. They find
an old report card from that time and on it
is Madamnicole's full name. The second comes from my network
of spies on the street, courtesy of Locke's honest friend Colin.
Speaker 6 (15:26):
I was talking to my mom and she said she
might have spotted her in like our neighborhood.
Speaker 3 (15:31):
She was walking near this big apartment building. Colin says,
maybe she lives there. And when I look up Madaminicole's name,
together with the address he gave me, I find a
phone number.
Speaker 5 (15:53):
I don't.
Speaker 4 (16:11):
Hello, hey, lock, Hey is cle It.
Speaker 3 (16:15):
Is oh, the oh of a man who forgot he'd
scheduled something. It's been a while since Locke and I
last spoke. First he was working in Panama for a
month and a half, and then he was deep in
the Canadian wilderness. So I've been eagerly waiting to tell
him how I finally got a hold of Madomnicole. When
(16:42):
I caught her at home. Madomnicole told me she didn't
want to be interviewed for a podcast. She's a private person,
she said, and On top of that, she's not a
technological person. She quote hates all the machines. She doesn't
have a computer or a cell phone. I imagine even
hearing the word podcast gave her the feeling of a
demon entering her home. She told me that she would, however,
(17:05):
be happy to talk to Locke and for him to
relate the conversation back to me. So I am wondering
if you would call her and then tell me what
happens after the fact.
Speaker 5 (17:18):
Oh man, okay, hmm.
Speaker 3 (17:25):
This is not the reaction I was expecting. I thought
Locke would be over the moon to hear this news,
but he sounds, if anything, under the moon.
Speaker 5 (17:34):
So kind of the reason that I approached you guys
was because it was cool, how like you'd act as
the interlock eater and sort of just like manage the
situation so one person doesn't have to actually sure.
Speaker 3 (17:50):
Yeah, so.
Speaker 5 (17:55):
Jeezus, Yeah that's hmm.
Speaker 3 (17:59):
It's like Locke's reduced to a scared five year old
kid again, afraid of getting in trouble with the teacher.
So I offer a security blanket, an idea Madamina Cole
has agreed to as well. We could have Mona, who's
one of the other producers listen in on the call. Oh,
if you need help figuring out what to say?
Speaker 5 (18:19):
Hmm, okay, that could work.
Speaker 3 (18:23):
Selfishly, I also want Mona there as an insurance policy,
someone who can rat on lock if he slips into
one of his fantasy lies. Locke and I agree to
figure out the details in the coming days. But the
coming days go by, and then the days that come
after that, and Locke doesn't respond to any of my messages.
(18:45):
When he finally does get in touch, it's with an
email that says, a dog eat my phone. I think
I'm starting to see why Locke has had conflict with
his teachers. But after several more weeks of excuse making,
Locke admits that he'll be free one afternoon for a
(19:06):
phone call. So Mona and I like, Hey, this is
Mona from Heavyweight.
Speaker 1 (19:12):
I'm here with Khalila.
Speaker 3 (19:13):
Hello. Oh this time we catch him waiting in line
for his order at the Tim Horton's for our Anglophone listeners.
That's Canada's off brand version of dunkin Donuts.
Speaker 5 (19:23):
Yeah. Sorry, I totally fixed up the day off that
I had. But yeah, what what are we doing with
this plan?
Speaker 6 (19:31):
Here?
Speaker 3 (19:32):
The plan, we remind him is to call madamnicolea.
Speaker 5 (19:36):
We'll give her a call. Yeah, oh jeez, okay, okay.
Speaker 3 (19:42):
I hang up and cross my fingers. Well, Lock and
Mona phone, they'll report back afterwards. For a long half hour,
I sit on the floor wondering what could be going on,
And after speaking with Madamnicole, Lock and Mona call me back.
I'm dying to know what happened.
Speaker 5 (20:00):
It was amazing. Okay.
Speaker 3 (20:02):
Locke tells me how Madamnicole responded to his accusation right away,
and she told him incredibly, Yes, she absolutely stole children's cheese.
Speaker 5 (20:15):
Okay, I'm rattled right now.
Speaker 3 (20:24):
According to Madomnicole, the thievery was a teaching tool.
Speaker 5 (20:29):
She was really like drilling in the fact that she
wanted us to know the word fromage. And she claims
that everybody knows the word fromage now, so it obviously
works well.
Speaker 3 (20:39):
I can appreciate Madaminicole's willingness to try out of the
box teaching methods. Fromage does not to me seem like
that hard of a word to learn. There had to
be something else behind it, and it turns out there was.
Speaker 5 (20:54):
She said that she knew the kids were getting mad
when when she would do it when she was still
at Sees, and she just thought the looks on their
faces were so funny.
Speaker 3 (21:07):
They looked stunned old Locke, like they'd just been slapped.
It was, in her words, fantastic, like.
Speaker 5 (21:16):
In that way, you could kind of perceive it as well,
she's a little crazy. It would kick out of it,
devastating these kids, but at the end of the day,
it was just hilarious.
Speaker 3 (21:27):
So it was just like a running joke with herself.
Speaker 5 (21:31):
Yeah, pretty much.
Speaker 3 (21:33):
Yeah, a joke that made an impression. All these years later.
Locke likely wouldn't even remember madominicole were it not for
these cheese shenanigans. So maybe her teaching tool worked after all.
Maybe she understood that you tend to remember the negative
over the positive. Maybe she needed to keep things lively
(21:53):
for herself to be able to pass that energy onto
the kids. Or maybe she just saw an easy way
to get her hands on some free cheese. Like she was.
Speaker 5 (22:03):
Adamant about how much she liked cheese. That's for sure.
We weren't wrong on that front. Yeah, And she says
that the parents theasy knew about it, and they also
thought it was funny. So at Christmas and at the
end of the year she would get gifts of like
wheels and wheels and cheese. Clearly everybody else thought it
was funny except for the kids.
Speaker 1 (22:30):
Yeah, I think those are those are the highlights.
Speaker 3 (22:33):
How does it feel to have this confirmed directly from
her mouth?
Speaker 5 (22:39):
It's cool? Like this cool that. Don't know, it feels
weird to say that it's over, but like the story
is complete now, like I actually.
Speaker 4 (22:49):
Know what happened.
Speaker 3 (22:51):
Lucke did fantasize some of the specific details. Madam Nicole
said there was no locked cabinet, she'd eat the cheese
right away, and she never thieved as a punitive measure.
But he was right about the basic truth. Indeed, he
had a kindergarten teacher who routinely stole her student's cheese.
And next time he tells this story, if anyone thinks
(23:13):
this man is a total liar, he can point to
this episode disproof of the whole thing.
Speaker 5 (23:20):
Her voice is yeah, exactly how I imagine, but the
tone is not. She's so friendly.
Speaker 3 (23:25):
Did she remember you?
Speaker 5 (23:26):
Yeah, she did, and.
Speaker 6 (23:27):
My brothers too.
Speaker 5 (23:28):
I was telling her where they had ended up. She
like seems to take a like, real genuine pleasure and
joy out of knowing that some of her students are
having success. And it really it turns out she's just
like a genuinely great person. I couldn't have been more
wrong about her.
Speaker 3 (23:47):
Yeah, your opinion really did a one to eighty?
Speaker 5 (23:51):
Really did? I want to I want to redact all
the all the terrible things I might have said in
the past. Too too great.
Speaker 3 (24:00):
The cartoon villain of Locke's memories has melted into a
real person. Speaking with her all these years later, he's
able to see his old tea not the way a
five year old would, but as another adult, Like.
Speaker 5 (24:13):
Now that I'm more mature, I see that this is
all actually really funny. And if I were a kindergarten indeed,
it's probably they're doing similar things.
Speaker 3 (24:21):
And in fact, Locke may be doing similar things pretty soon,
because he tells me he's getting tired of his vagabond lifestyle,
that he's ready to put down some roots. He's thinking
about becoming a teacher, and if he does, he wants
to be the fun kind, the kind that keeps his
students guessing, the teacher they'll remember for years down the road.
Speaker 2 (25:11):
Now that the furnitures returning.
Speaker 5 (25:15):
To its goodwill home.
Speaker 2 (25:20):
Now that the last month's rent is skiming with the damage.
Speaker 3 (25:26):
To take this moment to deserve.
Speaker 5 (25:31):
If we meant it, if we chalk.
Speaker 1 (25:36):
Felt around for five.
Speaker 3 (25:40):
From things that Accidentally. This Heavyweight short was produced by
Phoebe Flanagan, Mohemy mcgauker, and me Khalila Holt, along with
Jonathan Goldstein. Our supervising producer is Stevie Lane. Special thanks
to Pierce Singing Wendy Zuckerman, and extra special thanks to
(26:02):
Locke's mom Dawn. Editorial guidance from Emily Condon. Bobby Lord
mixed the episode with original music by Christine john K Samson,
Blue Dot Sessions, Sean Jacoby and Bobby Lord. Additional music
credits can be found on our website gimlipmedia dot com
slash Heavyweight. Our theme song is by The weaker Lands,
courtesy of Epitaph Records. Follow us on Twitter at Heavyweight,
(26:24):
on Instagram at Heavyweight Podcast, or email us at our
new address, Heavyweightshow at gmail dot com. We'll be back
next week with our last episode of the season.
Pushkin.
Speaker 2 (00:21):
Hello, Hi, Hi, I'm just out for a walk.
Speaker 1 (00:25):
What do I owe the pleasure?
Speaker 3 (00:27):
I have a story and I thought that you in
particular might be interested in it. Because it takes place
in Canada.
Speaker 4 (00:35):
It does create a special in my years, per cup.
Speaker 3 (00:38):
A little like Pavlov's bell. I hear Canada.
Speaker 2 (00:41):
Yeah, it's like my math starts to salivate.
Speaker 3 (00:43):
In fact, it's not just about Canada, but it's about
going to school in Canada, which you did.
Speaker 2 (00:49):
Yeah, I did. I was schooled in Canada. I went
through French immersion all the way from kindergarten up until
eleventh grade.
Speaker 3 (00:57):
Could you introduce the show in French?
Speaker 2 (01:00):
Oh? Boy, that's that's a lot to ask. What's what's
the name of the episode? The sat say, look suet
in bon Acute.
Speaker 3 (01:14):
That's beautiful. And there are the sounds of sirens to
ring us in.
Speaker 2 (01:20):
Yeah, they're the sirens of good narrative storyteller.
Speaker 3 (01:24):
Watch out, everybody. I'm Khalila Holt and this is heavyweight.
Today is heavyweight short lock.
Speaker 1 (01:45):
Right after the break, Hi, is this Lachlan? Hello?
Speaker 3 (02:01):
Hello?
Speaker 4 (02:02):
Can you hear me Ollo?
Speaker 3 (02:05):
Despite his lack of confirmation, this is indeed Lachlan or
Locke for short. Hi, It's Khalila calling.
Speaker 2 (02:12):
How are you?
Speaker 5 (02:15):
Oh Hi, how are you?
Speaker 3 (02:17):
Locke is twenty years old. When I ask him what
he does, he says he plants trees, but also he's traveling.
But also he's kind of a student. He's a disorienting
person to talk to. Like, despite the fact that we
exchanged multiple emails setting up this call, I forget yeah.
(02:41):
And in fact, it's Locke's questionable memory that we're here
to talk about today, because he's come to me with
an improbable story, something he recalls vividly but that no
one else believes actually happened. In revisiting this memory, Lock
hopes to expose an injustice, to unseat a tyrant, to
(03:02):
confront a nemesis he's obsessed over since he was just
five years old.
Speaker 5 (03:07):
But that's a call.
Speaker 3 (03:10):
Madame Nicole, Locke's kindergarten French immersion teacher.
Speaker 5 (03:20):
She wore like mean looking glasses and she kind of
scowled all the time.
Speaker 3 (03:25):
Locke describes her as an exact double of Edna Mode
from The Incredibles.
Speaker 5 (03:29):
That's exactly what she looks like, really tiny, short, black
hair cut off, really sharply, like a ninety degree angle,
and she like would just kind of walk around and
like do mean shit all the time.
Speaker 3 (03:43):
But what set her apart from your garden variety evil
French teacher was one particular habit. According to Locke, Madamnikole
was a thief. A cheese thief. Madamnicole stole cheese from
her five year old students.
Speaker 5 (04:00):
Sometimes I would just walk into class and it was
like before she starts the lesson, it was just like, oh,
do you have cheese today? And I'd say, yeah, so
she it You're kind of never see. Like sometimes if
I was in trouble, then she would like it would
(04:20):
be a punishment. She takes my cheese as punishment, but
it's hardly a punishment because she was gonna do it anyway.
She didn't even refrigerate it. She would put it in
this cabinet, like in a little wooden cabinet and had
a padlock on it, like as if I was going
to try to steal my cheese back.
Speaker 3 (04:36):
Do you believe that? I can't really believe it. It
seems made up like something a cartoon villain would do.
Speaker 5 (04:44):
I know how it sounds belief. It's pretty ridiculous, but
that's the problem, because I've told so many people and
they just laugh it off. I'm running a crew floor fire.
Speaker 3 (04:56):
If I did this season fighting forest fires being another
of locks many pursuits, so like, I'm I have to.
Speaker 5 (05:02):
Build some sort of credibility with my crew members. And
the first time I met a bunch of my crew members,
I told them this cheese story. They all started laughing
and say like, oh, come on, a bullshit. So now
all these people are about to work for me, the
only thing they know about me is that I have
this like totally false cheese story.
Speaker 3 (05:24):
So for Locke, the frustration isn't simply that this happened,
but that no one believes that it happened. Locke has
lost not only his cheese but his credibility because the
joy of sharing an unbelievable story lies and ultimately convincing
your audience that it's true. When you're done, you want
them to think, Wow, how completely wild. Not this man
(05:49):
is a total liar.
Speaker 5 (05:50):
I would just like to be able to tell the
story that people believe it some sort of validations that
are not.
Speaker 3 (05:56):
Completely insane, right, And so Locke wants me to obtain
a confession from the thief herself to prove that this
really went on. And what's more, he wants me to
find out why it went on, because.
Speaker 5 (06:11):
I don't think there's anyone in the world that is
that big of a fan of cheese that's killing You're
risking your career, Paul. I don't know if it's worth
firing over, but you know she's risky getting in trouble
for this. Like, I just don't get it. I just
don't understand at all what was going on there.
Speaker 3 (06:34):
Before I get to what was going on there, I
want some reassurance that anything was going on at all,
because if Locke can't even remember scheduling a phone call
last week, what are the chances he accurately recalls something
from when he was five. I don't want to go
around falsely accusing this elderly French Canadian woman of larceny.
(06:55):
So I asked Locke if he's still in touch with
anyone else from that class who might be able to
corroborate his memories.
Speaker 5 (07:01):
Yeah. I have a few friends. One of them, though,
is like is a notorious war But then another friend,
he's a pretty reliable guy.
Speaker 3 (07:10):
I start with lockslyer friend who rustles the phone around
as liars are wont to do and then hangs up
on me. But Locke's other friend, Colin, reliable as build
schedules of time to talk.
Speaker 6 (07:25):
I've known Lock since the class that was actually talking
about uh huh, And I always thought he was so
weird because he would eat the whole apple, including the core.
This is this kid in kindergarten that way, And that's
just like kind of his like personality is kind of
like hardcore like opera. He's finished an apple, there was
just nothing left.
Speaker 3 (07:45):
In other words, Locke's a guy who never gives up
on some things like apples are bringing cheese thieves to justice.
Speaker 6 (07:54):
He kind of commits to like weird things, like he
has a hard time committing to university, but he's like
so committed to getting getting to the bottom of the
story with them the code. But on that front, I
know Locke has these stories about her stealings. I can't
confirm more than that.
Speaker 3 (08:12):
That Colin has no memory of any cheese stealing. What's more,
his sister was also in madom Nichol's class, and she
doesn't remember it either.
Speaker 6 (08:27):
Like, honestly, I want to say it didn't happen. But
you can also tell that he's like frustrated by the
fact that I don't remember knowing Locke.
Speaker 3 (08:35):
Colin says, it's all too likely the story is something
he invented and then convinced himself was true. I'm not
altogether surprised by this turn of events, but I am
disappointed that the Kindergarten cheese burglar seems to be no
(08:58):
more than a myth, and like a terrier on the
scent of some buried bree, I can't help but dig
a little more. As it turns out, there are two
other people who were students of Madam Nicole. Locke's older brothers,
so I set up some time with his middle brother, Finn. Hello, Hi,
finn is Khalila.
Speaker 5 (09:22):
Oh sorry, completely.
Speaker 3 (09:24):
Scott, a family trade, I guess. Finn backs up Collin's
characterization of his brother as an untrustworthy, fabulous.
Speaker 4 (09:33):
Locks like a fantasy liar like Locke, believes the things
he's lying about a lot of the time. If I
were you getting a call from Lock and Lock only,
I would I would hang up and.
Speaker 3 (09:41):
Move on speaking with Finn. It seems increasingly foolish for
me to put any stock in Locke's barrel of lies
still like a terrier with a metalworking apprenticeship. I forge
ahead when I say, Madame Nicole, what are your associations?
Speaker 4 (10:00):
So immediately cheese. We all take out our stacks, and
she would like, ooh, famage and come in and like
grab one from somebody and then put it in her
little tupperware and go back to her desk.
Speaker 3 (10:13):
So finn like Locke remembers the thievery, which means Madam
Nicole had been stealing cheese for years before Locke even
came on the scene.
Speaker 4 (10:24):
So weird, but it's true.
Speaker 5 (10:26):
That's the weirdest part of it all.
Speaker 3 (10:29):
I also speak with Locke's oldest brother Owen.
Speaker 5 (10:32):
I love cheese, my mom do that.
Speaker 4 (10:33):
I'm like a cheese fanatic.
Speaker 3 (10:35):
Owen backs up lock story too. He tells me in
kindergarten he used to save his precious cheese for last,
making its cruel theft all the more painful.
Speaker 5 (10:46):
The clearest memory is probably the first time it happened,
and it was a baby bell.
Speaker 4 (10:50):
You know, this bread beacon in my lunch box, and
so just out it goes, and.
Speaker 3 (10:57):
She said next see for our anglophone listeners. Mercy is
the French word for thank you, And with that, I'm
ready to get a confession from the vulur herself or voluse,
I guess would be the feminine. I haven't taken French
(11:19):
in a long time. I'm ready to approche Madamnicole, if
only I can find her. When you're looking for something
you've lost, people always tell you to retrace your steps.
So I retrace lock steps back to his old school.
Speaker 6 (11:35):
You need to speak to someone in the main office.
Speaker 3 (11:37):
Please press zero to find out if Madominicole might still
be teaching there.
Speaker 1 (11:42):
No, she's not here, she's retired.
Speaker 3 (11:44):
Okay, would you happen to have any contact info for her?
Speaker 1 (11:48):
If you send me something, I could send it to her.
Speaker 3 (11:51):
And so I find myself composing a delicate email, something
vague and accusationless enough not to scare off Madomnikole. There's
an old student of yours. I say, he still thinks
about you all the time. He wants to confirm a memory.
But maybe I'm not delicate enough, because weeks go by
and I never hear back. The thief is on the lamb.
(12:19):
If Madamnicole likes cheese half as much as Locke remembers,
surely she must be getting her fixed somewhere, so with
no other leads on how to find her, I try
the only thing I can think of. I look up
every cheese shop within a ten mile radius of Locke's
(12:39):
old school and start calling. She's described to me as
at an a mode from The Incredibles if you've seen
that movie. I'm sorry you're asking about a specific customer, small,
big glasses.
Speaker 6 (12:52):
Unfortunately, no, thank you for calling, and have a grateful day.
Speaker 3 (13:02):
I do learn, though, that Madamnicole isn't the only burglar
out there. She's actually part of a grand tradition of theft.
Speaker 4 (13:10):
There's some issues with part of me, like Parmageno agiano,
like wheels of parm because you look at it like
a thousand bucks a wheel, right.
Speaker 5 (13:17):
A lot of theft in in the past. You know
you hear the stories.
Speaker 3 (13:20):
I have not heard the stories, but by now I'm
all in. So when I get off the phone, I
go looking for them. According to a report from the
Consortio del Fromaggio Parmigiano Reggiano, three million dollars worth of
parmesan cheese is stolen every year in Italy alone. Time
(13:42):
magazine says cheese in general is actually the most stolen
food in the world, and after my first fourteen YouTube
videos on the subject, I let auto play like Jesus
take the wheel.
Speaker 6 (13:55):
Right now, police are looking for twenty thousand pounds of
stolen cheese.
Speaker 5 (14:00):
Stage's fifteen is in trouble with police.
Speaker 3 (14:03):
There are still some holes in this case, but detectives
say they have stringed all the evidence together. Holes in
this case say cheese. It seems like it's physically impossible
for anyone reporting on cheese theft to do so without
making some terrible pun and as someone reporting on this
topic myself, I feel an obligation to my fellow journalists
(14:27):
to join the cheese pun fray. But jokes like that
are just really not my thing. I'd find it physically
uncomfortable too. For example, characterize Madmnicole as a monster, or
to say that I hope to close the caso. It
makes me want to throw up to think of asking
something like did you have an accomplice or did you
(14:48):
work prob alone? You wouldn't catch me dead. Referring to
all that cheese sitting in a locked cabinet as a
FETA comply, I'm finally saved from the depths of my
despair and cheese video induced badness by two critical pieces
(15:10):
of information. The first comes from Locke's family. They find
an old report card from that time and on it
is Madamnicole's full name. The second comes from my network
of spies on the street, courtesy of Locke's honest friend Colin.
Speaker 6 (15:26):
I was talking to my mom and she said she
might have spotted her in like our neighborhood.
Speaker 3 (15:31):
She was walking near this big apartment building. Colin says,
maybe she lives there. And when I look up Madaminicole's name,
together with the address he gave me, I find a
phone number.
Speaker 5 (15:53):
I don't.
Speaker 4 (16:11):
Hello, hey, lock, Hey is cle It.
Speaker 3 (16:15):
Is oh, the oh of a man who forgot he'd
scheduled something. It's been a while since Locke and I
last spoke. First he was working in Panama for a
month and a half, and then he was deep in
the Canadian wilderness. So I've been eagerly waiting to tell
him how I finally got a hold of Madomnicole. When
(16:42):
I caught her at home. Madomnicole told me she didn't
want to be interviewed for a podcast. She's a private person,
she said, and On top of that, she's not a
technological person. She quote hates all the machines. She doesn't
have a computer or a cell phone. I imagine even
hearing the word podcast gave her the feeling of a
demon entering her home. She told me that she would, however,
(17:05):
be happy to talk to Locke and for him to
relate the conversation back to me. So I am wondering
if you would call her and then tell me what
happens after the fact.
Speaker 5 (17:18):
Oh man, okay, hmm.
Speaker 3 (17:25):
This is not the reaction I was expecting. I thought
Locke would be over the moon to hear this news,
but he sounds, if anything, under the moon.
Speaker 5 (17:34):
So kind of the reason that I approached you guys
was because it was cool, how like you'd act as
the interlock eater and sort of just like manage the
situation so one person doesn't have to actually sure.
Speaker 3 (17:50):
Yeah, so.
Speaker 5 (17:55):
Jeezus, Yeah that's hmm.
Speaker 3 (17:59):
It's like Locke's reduced to a scared five year old
kid again, afraid of getting in trouble with the teacher.
So I offer a security blanket, an idea Madamina Cole
has agreed to as well. We could have Mona, who's
one of the other producers listen in on the call. Oh,
if you need help figuring out what to say?
Speaker 5 (18:19):
Hmm, okay, that could work.
Speaker 3 (18:23):
Selfishly, I also want Mona there as an insurance policy,
someone who can rat on lock if he slips into
one of his fantasy lies. Locke and I agree to
figure out the details in the coming days. But the
coming days go by, and then the days that come
after that, and Locke doesn't respond to any of my messages.
(18:45):
When he finally does get in touch, it's with an
email that says, a dog eat my phone. I think
I'm starting to see why Locke has had conflict with
his teachers. But after several more weeks of excuse making,
Locke admits that he'll be free one afternoon for a
(19:06):
phone call. So Mona and I like, Hey, this is
Mona from Heavyweight.
Speaker 1 (19:12):
I'm here with Khalila.
Speaker 3 (19:13):
Hello. Oh this time we catch him waiting in line
for his order at the Tim Horton's for our Anglophone listeners.
That's Canada's off brand version of dunkin Donuts.
Speaker 5 (19:23):
Yeah. Sorry, I totally fixed up the day off that
I had. But yeah, what what are we doing with
this plan?
Speaker 6 (19:31):
Here?
Speaker 3 (19:32):
The plan, we remind him is to call madamnicolea.
Speaker 5 (19:36):
We'll give her a call. Yeah, oh jeez, okay, okay.
Speaker 3 (19:42):
I hang up and cross my fingers. Well, Lock and
Mona phone, they'll report back afterwards. For a long half hour,
I sit on the floor wondering what could be going on,
And after speaking with Madamnicole, Lock and Mona call me back.
I'm dying to know what happened.
Speaker 5 (20:00):
It was amazing. Okay.
Speaker 3 (20:02):
Locke tells me how Madamnicole responded to his accusation right away,
and she told him incredibly, Yes, she absolutely stole children's cheese.
Speaker 5 (20:15):
Okay, I'm rattled right now.
Speaker 3 (20:24):
According to Madomnicole, the thievery was a teaching tool.
Speaker 5 (20:29):
She was really like drilling in the fact that she
wanted us to know the word fromage. And she claims
that everybody knows the word fromage now, so it obviously
works well.
Speaker 3 (20:39):
I can appreciate Madaminicole's willingness to try out of the
box teaching methods. Fromage does not to me seem like
that hard of a word to learn. There had to
be something else behind it, and it turns out there was.
Speaker 5 (20:54):
She said that she knew the kids were getting mad
when when she would do it when she was still
at Sees, and she just thought the looks on their
faces were so funny.
Speaker 3 (21:07):
They looked stunned old Locke, like they'd just been slapped.
It was, in her words, fantastic, like.
Speaker 5 (21:16):
In that way, you could kind of perceive it as well,
she's a little crazy. It would kick out of it,
devastating these kids, but at the end of the day,
it was just hilarious.
Speaker 3 (21:27):
So it was just like a running joke with herself.
Speaker 5 (21:31):
Yeah, pretty much.
Speaker 3 (21:33):
Yeah, a joke that made an impression. All these years later.
Locke likely wouldn't even remember madominicole were it not for
these cheese shenanigans. So maybe her teaching tool worked after all.
Maybe she understood that you tend to remember the negative
over the positive. Maybe she needed to keep things lively
(21:53):
for herself to be able to pass that energy onto
the kids. Or maybe she just saw an easy way
to get her hands on some free cheese. Like she was.
Speaker 5 (22:03):
Adamant about how much she liked cheese. That's for sure.
We weren't wrong on that front. Yeah, And she says
that the parents theasy knew about it, and they also
thought it was funny. So at Christmas and at the
end of the year she would get gifts of like
wheels and wheels and cheese. Clearly everybody else thought it
was funny except for the kids.
Speaker 1 (22:30):
Yeah, I think those are those are the highlights.
Speaker 3 (22:33):
How does it feel to have this confirmed directly from
her mouth?
Speaker 5 (22:39):
It's cool? Like this cool that. Don't know, it feels
weird to say that it's over, but like the story
is complete now, like I actually.
Speaker 4 (22:49):
Know what happened.
Speaker 3 (22:51):
Lucke did fantasize some of the specific details. Madam Nicole
said there was no locked cabinet, she'd eat the cheese
right away, and she never thieved as a punitive measure.
But he was right about the basic truth. Indeed, he
had a kindergarten teacher who routinely stole her student's cheese.
And next time he tells this story, if anyone thinks
(23:13):
this man is a total liar, he can point to
this episode disproof of the whole thing.
Speaker 5 (23:20):
Her voice is yeah, exactly how I imagine, but the
tone is not. She's so friendly.
Speaker 3 (23:25):
Did she remember you?
Speaker 5 (23:26):
Yeah, she did, and.
Speaker 6 (23:27):
My brothers too.
Speaker 5 (23:28):
I was telling her where they had ended up. She
like seems to take a like, real genuine pleasure and
joy out of knowing that some of her students are
having success. And it really it turns out she's just
like a genuinely great person. I couldn't have been more
wrong about her.
Speaker 3 (23:47):
Yeah, your opinion really did a one to eighty?
Speaker 5 (23:51):
Really did? I want to I want to redact all
the all the terrible things I might have said in
the past. Too too great.
Speaker 3 (24:00):
The cartoon villain of Locke's memories has melted into a
real person. Speaking with her all these years later, he's
able to see his old tea not the way a
five year old would, but as another adult, Like.
Speaker 5 (24:13):
Now that I'm more mature, I see that this is
all actually really funny. And if I were a kindergarten indeed,
it's probably they're doing similar things.
Speaker 3 (24:21):
And in fact, Locke may be doing similar things pretty soon,
because he tells me he's getting tired of his vagabond lifestyle,
that he's ready to put down some roots. He's thinking
about becoming a teacher, and if he does, he wants
to be the fun kind, the kind that keeps his
students guessing, the teacher they'll remember for years down the road.
Speaker 2 (25:11):
Now that the furnitures returning.
Speaker 5 (25:15):
To its goodwill home.
Speaker 2 (25:20):
Now that the last month's rent is skiming with the damage.
Speaker 3 (25:26):
To take this moment to deserve.
Speaker 5 (25:31):
If we meant it, if we chalk.
Speaker 1 (25:36):
Felt around for five.
Speaker 3 (25:40):
From things that Accidentally. This Heavyweight short was produced by
Phoebe Flanagan, Mohemy mcgauker, and me Khalila Holt, along with
Jonathan Goldstein. Our supervising producer is Stevie Lane. Special thanks
to Pierce Singing Wendy Zuckerman, and extra special thanks to
(26:02):
Locke's mom Dawn. Editorial guidance from Emily Condon. Bobby Lord
mixed the episode with original music by Christine john K Samson,
Blue Dot Sessions, Sean Jacoby and Bobby Lord. Additional music
credits can be found on our website gimlipmedia dot com
slash Heavyweight. Our theme song is by The weaker Lands,
courtesy of Epitaph Records. Follow us on Twitter at Heavyweight,
(26:24):
on Instagram at Heavyweight Podcast, or email us at our
new address, Heavyweightshow at gmail dot com. We'll be back
next week with our last episode of the season.
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