Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hi, Elly in the morning.
Speaker 2 (00:01):
Elliot, what's up, buddy?
Speaker 1 (00:03):
Hey, what's going on? Dude?
Speaker 2 (00:05):
I am happily divorced and now remarried.
Speaker 1 (00:08):
Okay, good for you, Good for you.
Speaker 3 (00:10):
No, and I know that that sounds odd, but you
shouldn't stay in a marriage that you don't want to
be and that's not good for anybody. I want to
focus on me, and I'm happy that you're you're happily married.
Speaker 1 (00:19):
Now let me go back to the divorce though.
Speaker 3 (00:23):
Yes, did you know at any point during the engagement
did you were there red flags where you were like, Nah,
this isn't going to work.
Speaker 1 (00:37):
Really, tell me, give me, give me an idea. What
were those flags?
Speaker 2 (00:44):
So and a lot of so I hesitate because I
know people that know me, we listen and they know
the situation.
Speaker 1 (00:52):
But never got along.
Speaker 2 (00:56):
With my family.
Speaker 1 (00:58):
She never got along with your family.
Speaker 2 (01:01):
Yes, right, at some point also saying kind of like
you're gonna have to choose and all sorts of stuff
and being naive and and I thought that's what I
had to do to, you know, be sure, make her
happy and all that kind of stuff. So, yeah, it's
just a lot of a lot of red flags that
I I think like blissfully ignored, because I thought that
(01:24):
was what I was supposed to do.
Speaker 3 (01:25):
Find someone, fall in love and get married and absolutely
move on, you know, and you're you're laying everything out,
uh perfectly. One other question for you when all that
was going on, did you talk to anybody about it?
Speaker 2 (01:38):
Do you mean like therapy or like a pastor, or
like like or just like friends or like not not?
Speaker 3 (01:45):
Never crossed my mind, just so we're clear, never crossed
my mind. No, no, Rabbi, No, but like like close
friends or family.
Speaker 4 (01:57):
Well, the thing is, like I was alien you needed
honestly because I made the choice to try to make
it work with her, and I didn't have a lot
of friends then, because again she didn't get along with
a lot of them, and.
Speaker 2 (02:11):
So I chose her, and and that caused me to
kind of.
Speaker 3 (02:16):
A yeah, sure, no, no, So I was reading this
whole thing yesterday and I don't know, and this way
I want to dig into this, and this is why
I want somebody who's in the middle of an engagement.
Speaker 1 (02:24):
Right, Hey, dude, thank you, thank you my friend.
Speaker 5 (02:27):
Now and now I understand why you said it could
be sensit.
Speaker 3 (02:29):
Yeah, no, it could, it could so I was reading
this whole thing yesterday about how there are that for
for people whose marriages end up in divorce. Right, is
that there are so many red flags during the engagement
that get pushed aside for a number of reasons. Starting
with and I thought this was smart, starting with somebody
(02:51):
that'll go there's so much focus on getting engaged or dating,
if you will, and then getting married that that window
of the engagement you don't really focus on that other
than prepping, prepping, prepping, prepping, prepping, prepping, prepping, so you
don't really focus on anything going on during that. And
then when all of these little red flags pop up,
(03:15):
nobody wants to say anything for a couple of reasons.
Speaker 1 (03:18):
Number one, well, it's.
Speaker 3 (03:19):
The stress of putting the marriage together, so you have that,
so you excuse it.
Speaker 1 (03:24):
You start making excuses.
Speaker 3 (03:26):
Also, you don't want to go to friends or family
because you don't want to. Number one, you may be
a little embarrassed to be like, ugh, I don't know,
or these flags have popped up, you don't want to
back out because you think, well, you know what, it's
growing pains, We'll get through it.
Speaker 1 (03:44):
So there's that.
Speaker 3 (03:44):
So a little bit of it is embarrassment or feeling
of like, well, you know what, it's just it's stressful.
And the other one is you don't want your friends
or your family to think negatively of the person, as
you would dress the red flags with.
Speaker 1 (04:01):
Them, and then you end up marrying them.
Speaker 3 (04:04):
Right, Like Jackie and I have a very close friend
where they they went through. They're still married, but they
went through a horrible patch together and she bashed the
crap out of him and said all kinds.
Speaker 1 (04:16):
Of nasty stuff. So when I see them, that's all I.
Speaker 5 (04:19):
Think about it. This was when they were married.
Speaker 1 (04:21):
Yeah, yeah, this is after they got married. This was
after they got married.
Speaker 5 (04:23):
I've told you before. I know a couple that broke
up and some things were said to me about the
other person, and then they eventually got married.
Speaker 1 (04:32):
Yeah, and you can't, you can't.
Speaker 5 (04:33):
That's all you think about. Yeah, you can't forget that absolutely,
So I understand why people are hesitant to bring that
up for friends and family.
Speaker 1 (04:41):
So you know where a lot of people find advice
the internet. Strangers.
Speaker 5 (04:47):
Yeah, yeah, strangers.
Speaker 3 (04:48):
Credit the Uh yeah, no, you're one hundred percent right, right.
Does a stranger will go, oh, dude, I've seen this before. Yeah,
so they'll go there. But then people go like, well,
they don't know my situation, so they then they brush
all yeah, they discounted and go, well, you don't know me,
you don't know you don't know my fiance or my fiance.
So yeah, then they end up brushing it off. But
(05:08):
they said all not every case, obviously, but there are
so many for marriages that ended divorce. Listen, there are
people that stay married their whole life, where they go
on and they're married for twenty some odd years and
maybe it runs out at the end, but there were
no red flags during that.
Speaker 1 (05:24):
So it's not every case of divorce. But they said
there's so many where people are like head down and
just motor on through.
Speaker 5 (05:31):
But these are problems that they recognized during the engagement. Oh, retrospectively, Well,
sometimes you just ignore them or you find a way
to justify it ignoring them, you are acknowledging them at
the same time.
Speaker 3 (05:47):
Yeah, absolutely, absolutely, So yes, you you acknowledge them, but
maybe not in the moment you store them away and
just go listen, Yeah, listen, I knew I should have
known when like I was reading about one one dude
he was like, listen, like, I just thought that she
was really stressed out about the wedding.
Speaker 1 (06:03):
So when she threw my laptop across the room, I thought,
you know what.
Speaker 3 (06:07):
And she would call me stupid all the time, but
I was like, you know what, she's just she's very
stressed out, she's on edge and the whole thing.
Speaker 1 (06:14):
And they were divorced two years later.
Speaker 3 (06:16):
There you go, right, but what's He wasn't going to
go to his friend and go, hey, Jimmy, I don't
know what's up with Marta, but she's throwing my computer
across the room. And they also said sometimes friends won't
even tell you anything because they don't want to be
the one to.
Speaker 5 (06:29):
Go because then it's going to bite you in the ass.
Speaker 1 (06:31):
Dude, we've hated Marta the whole time you've been dating.
Speaker 5 (06:34):
And then oh look here's the wedding.
Speaker 3 (06:35):
They're married, right, and now I got to sit at
the wedding looking at my buddy in the eye.
Speaker 1 (06:38):
Go and I told you she's badass crazy.
Speaker 5 (06:42):
So would you say for the first call ever the
gentleman and called right? He ignored them or he thought
this was how it is.
Speaker 1 (06:52):
He thought that's how it is. Yeah, he knew it oh, he.
Speaker 3 (06:55):
Said that, you know, didn't get along with the family,
and I had to choose her. He didn't have a
lot of friends at the time, so he just barreled
down and went I'm not upset with him. I'm actually
proud of him for getting out of it later.
Speaker 5 (07:05):
But it kind of sounds like he in the moment
thought that was the natural occurrence.
Speaker 1 (07:11):
You find someone, you get married, and that was it.
Speaker 5 (07:14):
But here's here's an expression and always makes feel good
Hindsight's twenty twenty.
Speaker 1 (07:17):
Yeah, oh no, it's not. It's not. It's not.
Speaker 3 (07:21):
Line three, By the way, Will you do me a favor?
It's funny you say that. Will you write down expression me?
I'll have somebody else do it, Diane, Will.
Speaker 1 (07:30):
You do me a favor? Will you write down expression?
Speaker 5 (07:33):
Okay for me please?
Speaker 1 (07:34):
I'll get to that later. Line three, Hi, Yelly in
the morning?
Speaker 6 (07:41):
Hello?
Speaker 1 (07:42):
Yeah, Hi? Who's this?
Speaker 6 (07:44):
Is it? Joe?
Speaker 1 (07:45):
Joe? You're divorced, currently engaged? Joe's obviously a fake name.
Speaker 6 (07:54):
Oh no, that's really my name.
Speaker 5 (07:56):
Just hearing to talk about red flags.
Speaker 1 (08:01):
Hey, let me ask you this. Let me ask you this.
Speaker 5 (08:03):
Are you preoccupied for the last ten minutes?
Speaker 1 (08:07):
Maybe you're entirely.
Speaker 6 (08:08):
No, No, I've been listening.
Speaker 3 (08:10):
They live in another state and you're pushing on your
atoms up, Joe, question for it, question for you?
Speaker 1 (08:15):
Are there any are there any red flags in this thing?
Speaker 4 (08:19):
Uh?
Speaker 6 (08:20):
There's the reason why she's still waiting to get married.
Speaker 1 (08:24):
So are we Are you the red flag?
Speaker 3 (08:27):
No?
Speaker 1 (08:28):
No?
Speaker 3 (08:28):
Are you in a long term engagement? And you won't
set a date because there's concern?
Speaker 6 (08:34):
Absolutely? Yeah?
Speaker 3 (08:36):
Really, what is may I probe? Well, of course that's
my job. Hey, what is the give me your top
two red flags with her? Oh?
Speaker 6 (08:46):
The top two would be financial speaking.
Speaker 1 (08:51):
That is such a biggie. I'm glad you said that.
I'm glad you said that.
Speaker 5 (08:55):
He said at the end of irresponsibility.
Speaker 1 (08:56):
Yeah, the financial responsibility.
Speaker 5 (08:58):
Irresponsibility?
Speaker 1 (09:00):
Yeah, whatever.
Speaker 6 (09:01):
The and number two number two, Uh, can't detached from mommy?
Speaker 1 (09:07):
So we got Yeah, we got a I'm just gonna
call him up Gary the Uh.
Speaker 5 (09:16):
You learned that both of those.
Speaker 3 (09:18):
Absolutely did so. Can't detach from can't attach from mother?
Speaker 6 (09:24):
Yeah, right, very dependent on mom. The month she blows
her whole paycheck, it's always uh, oh, I need more
money mommy.
Speaker 1 (09:32):
The mother?
Speaker 3 (09:33):
What is the favorite can you write down something else
for me? Will you just write down the word mother.
It's like everybody's filling in my gaps today. Write down mother. Okay,
so those two things. So let me let me ask
you this, Joe. Why why not do you think if
if you got so you're engaged, it's just long term?
Why why stick through it?
Speaker 6 (09:56):
It's this kid's involved.
Speaker 1 (09:59):
Okay, I understand that, But why not? Why not? And
I'm being completely serious, I'm the product of divorce. Look
at me.
Speaker 3 (10:06):
Why why not let everybody go their separate ways and
and have and yeah, and find a find an amicable
way to be co parents.
Speaker 6 (10:18):
It's probably gonna end up like that, honestly, but.
Speaker 1 (10:22):
So, but why not? Why not?
Speaker 3 (10:23):
Why not cut bait nail now rather and then be
able to get on with being happy and.
Speaker 1 (10:28):
Let her go, Let her go be happy with mommy
Sorry mother.
Speaker 6 (10:34):
That's that's kind of been the thought recently, just getting
her to understand that that's what it needs to be.
She's got life made where she pays no bills, I
pay everything, so she don't want to leave.
Speaker 3 (10:46):
Right Well, dude, she's draining you like crazy?
Speaker 1 (10:51):
Oh I know what would her react? Would she be?
She wouldn't be if you called her.
Speaker 3 (10:55):
Right now, let's say we conferenced her in and we
called her and said, hey, this thing's done.
Speaker 1 (11:00):
Though, she's not going to be surprised, right, No.
Speaker 6 (11:06):
She'll just talk to me later today and try to
work it out.
Speaker 1 (11:10):
And would you do all of your I consider myself.
Speaker 5 (11:13):
You have you had that conversation like fifty times?
Speaker 6 (11:16):
Yes, Oh, it's been a constant conversation. Yeah, it's been
together for six and a half years.
Speaker 5 (11:23):
But right, it's some cost fallacy the wait, say again,
and yes, there is money involved in this situation, but
it's this idea that even though it's and he admitted
it possibly going to fail, and envying an endeavor that
does not work out, let me too much time and
effort that you keep putting it in.
Speaker 3 (11:43):
Right, No, that's true, that's true. I can tell you
this and listen, I want everybody to be happy. But
whether it's gonna fail, you're either gonna end it now
or you're gonna end it when you get married, which
is more expensive to get divorced.
Speaker 1 (11:57):
So it's going to you, you know it. You know
it's going to hit the crapper.
Speaker 6 (12:02):
That's why I haven't got married. Yeah, I've been engaged
twice and I didn't get married either time. I'm thirty five,
never been married.
Speaker 1 (12:09):
So what happened on the first one? What were those
red flags?
Speaker 6 (12:13):
Oh? That was kind of a dumb one. But she
wanted me to sell my car and I told her, no,
I'm not selling my car. And then a couple months
later she said, choose me in the car.
Speaker 1 (12:20):
So I was like, car it is, shake it out
absolutely great. By the way, great though, got the car.
Great call. Great call.
Speaker 3 (12:27):
If Jackie said to me, choose me or the car,
I'd be like your petty, I would choose the car.
I would I would That's crazy talk. Hey, what is the.
Speaker 6 (12:35):
Well at the time, I was putting thousands of dollars
into this car, but I've also had it since I
was thirteen. It was a grandparents car that I bought
off of them and I still have it.
Speaker 5 (12:44):
Yeah, sentimental for you.
Speaker 3 (12:45):
You not have to explain anything. Oh, I'm TEA, I'm
team Joe. Hey, what is the do all of your
friends the current woman? I don't know what her name is,
but the current woman? Do all of your friends and
family like they don't like her either? Like they'll tell
you not that, not that they don't like her, but
they'll like dude, you can't marry.
Speaker 6 (13:01):
Her pretty much.
Speaker 1 (13:05):
There you go.
Speaker 6 (13:05):
I I got one friend it's like, oh, just do it,
just do it. But he's the history of four or
five divorces now.
Speaker 1 (13:11):
So yeah, there you go, there you go. That's you
know what.
Speaker 3 (13:14):
There's the role model, that's the perfect one.
Speaker 1 (13:17):
How's the uh, how's the sex?
Speaker 6 (13:20):
It's all right?
Speaker 1 (13:21):
All right, all right, Well this sounds like a win
win win to me.
Speaker 3 (13:24):
All Right, dude, you will call me back when everything
comes under and if you want me to be on
the phone when it happens, I'm happy to do it.
Speaker 6 (13:32):
Oh try, I'm a big boy. I could do it.
Speaker 1 (13:33):
I know you can't. I know you can't. All right, Joe,
I appreciate it. Thank you, sir. By the way, there's
your perfect answer.
Speaker 5 (13:39):
Yeah, but I know we're not exactly strangers to him.
But do you think he'll take your advice? Yes, because
you said that. The research shows people go to strangers
and then still ignore what's said to them.
Speaker 3 (13:52):
We're in between friends and strangers. Like we're friends, but
like we don't hang out. But we're not strange because
he knows us so I'm mid road. So to you,
that means he's not gonna get married.
Speaker 1 (14:06):
He's not gonna get married.
Speaker 5 (14:07):
Now, it's just gonna get stretched out right.
Speaker 1 (14:10):
But would you wouldn't you just cut bait?
Speaker 5 (14:12):
That's hard, especially like he said, there are children.
Speaker 1 (14:16):
Yeah, but you could still. They're gonna be around whether
you're married or divorced.
Speaker 5 (14:19):
It's easy for us to say, being completely detached from it.
Speaker 3 (14:23):
No, it's easy for me to say because that's how
I grew up. I'm glad my parents got divorced. I
wouldn't want them to be miserable. I mean they were
both miserable even after they got divorced.
Speaker 1 (14:32):
Phil Line five, Hi.
Speaker 7 (14:37):
Elliot in the morning, Hey elliot, how are you good?
Speaker 1 (14:40):
Are you divorced? Engaged? Where are you? And all this?
Speaker 7 (14:44):
So first one divorced from and I'm currently engaged.
Speaker 1 (14:47):
Let's go to the first one. Doubt it? Did you know?
Speaker 3 (14:51):
Was there some kind of hunkering in the back of
your head during the engagement period where you were like,
this ain't gonna work.
Speaker 1 (14:58):
Nope?
Speaker 7 (14:58):
So first one was my high school crush. Her mom
hated me, absolutely hated me, and then was a completely
different person during the engagement, and then once we got married,
her personality completely changed.
Speaker 3 (15:13):
So you had no there were no red flags that
came up at all during the engagement, No, sir, even
in hindsight looking back, there's nothing. And listen, I believe you.
There was nothing where you were like, ah, I should
have seen this.
Speaker 1 (15:25):
Coming to me.
Speaker 7 (15:27):
It was little stuff, so like a few disagreements with
some of the family, and it's not like they were
big arguments or something that would cause like a family discussion,
but like would get on my parents' nerves a little bit.
And I'm thinking, hey, it's this is normal, like kind
of like the first caller said, I just kind of
thought everything was normal. Sure, so you're you're supposed to
(15:48):
bicker during the engagement, You're supposed to have some stressed
out situations. But nothing stands out as far as this
is going to be a big deal later.
Speaker 1 (15:57):
Now, what about in the current one? Current one?
Speaker 7 (16:02):
Yeah, there are some.
Speaker 1 (16:11):
Flip flop.
Speaker 3 (16:12):
I expected the first one to be yes and the
second one to be no.
Speaker 7 (16:16):
Now, so there are somes Her personalities a little bit
uh we'll call it selfish or self absorbed. And she
has a for whatever reason, of a tough time of
being grateful, like, that's that's my struggle now. And the
reason I'm still with her is because she has a lot.
We share a lot of the same values and a
(16:37):
lot of the same life goals, So it's it's kind
of hard to to just separate from that.
Speaker 5 (16:44):
Save for appreciation.
Speaker 1 (16:50):
Do you do you think you'll end up getting married?
Speaker 7 (16:54):
Yes, sir, you do.
Speaker 6 (16:58):
Oh?
Speaker 7 (16:59):
Absolutely, Like the I am. Uh, I'm thirty five, so
I'm starting to get up there where the dating age
and the dating pool is slim unless I start going
a lot younger.
Speaker 1 (17:10):
Yeah, that's there's nothing wrong with that. Yeah.
Speaker 3 (17:12):
No, you do what you gotta do, live your life
the uh yeah them? Or do you just feel like
you're you're so far into this thing that you can't
you can't get out.
Speaker 7 (17:25):
Uh, it's not that. I've had the conversation when I
do get stressed with my parents and my dad like, dude,
don't marry her?
Speaker 5 (17:31):
Oh boy, that's rough. Do they have a date? Yeah?
Did you send out like save the dates and everything?
Speaker 7 (17:38):
Yes?
Speaker 6 (17:38):
We did.
Speaker 1 (17:39):
That's okay, that's that's all right. That's all right. Listen,
that doesn't it's.
Speaker 5 (17:43):
Not an invitation, it's just to save the date.
Speaker 3 (17:45):
No, and you know what, No, no, no, And a
lot of people go, I don't want to I don't
want to send out to save the date. I don't
even want to send out invitations and then have to
go back because I'm afraid of how it'll look.
Speaker 1 (17:55):
Right, But who cares how it looks? So what wouldn't
you rather?
Speaker 3 (17:59):
And I'm sir, if you if you're gonna marry or
I hope, I hope everything goes great, and I hope
your dad changes his mind.
Speaker 1 (18:04):
But I'm saying, wouldn't you rather?
Speaker 3 (18:06):
Wouldn't you rather there be some office gossip than to
just go like, uh, I'm in for a life of misery.
But I didn't want to have to tell everybody don't
come to the wedding.
Speaker 7 (18:16):
So that's my thought process. My thought process is, we've
we've set the date, we'll we'll schedule it and if
I have to call it off, I'll call it off.
Speaker 1 (18:26):
But you don't you don't see it going that way?
Speaker 7 (18:29):
No, not currently. No, We've we've had a lot of
tough discussions, she's had a lot of self reflection, and
the current state of things is actually pretty nice. But
it doesn't mean there weren't red flags along the way.
Speaker 3 (18:40):
Now, if you go through with it, or when you
go through with it, I don't even want to say if.
But when you go through with it, will your dad
be able to come around or is he just sitting
there waiting for the big I told you so? Oh?
Speaker 7 (18:51):
No, he's pretty amicable. He kind of he kind of
sees things nicely. But that doesn't mean he won't give
me I told you so if it does happen.
Speaker 5 (19:00):
Dads being dads. Remember I remembered us discussing this possibility.
Let's figure out what we can learn from it. You
don't say I told you so.
Speaker 1 (19:10):
Oh that's right, that's right.
Hi, Elly in the morning.
Speaker 2 (00:01):
Elliot, what's up, buddy?
Speaker 1 (00:03):
Hey, what's going on? Dude?
Speaker 2 (00:05):
I am happily divorced and now remarried.
Speaker 1 (00:08):
Okay, good for you, Good for you.
Speaker 3 (00:10):
No, and I know that that sounds odd, but you
shouldn't stay in a marriage that you don't want to
be and that's not good for anybody. I want to
focus on me, and I'm happy that you're you're happily married.
Speaker 1 (00:19):
Now let me go back to the divorce though.
Speaker 3 (00:23):
Yes, did you know at any point during the engagement
did you were there red flags where you were like, Nah,
this isn't going to work.
Speaker 1 (00:37):
Really, tell me, give me, give me an idea. What
were those flags?
Speaker 2 (00:44):
So and a lot of so I hesitate because I
know people that know me, we listen and they know
the situation.
Speaker 1 (00:52):
But never got along.
Speaker 2 (00:56):
With my family.
Speaker 1 (00:58):
She never got along with your family.
Speaker 2 (01:01):
Yes, right, at some point also saying kind of like
you're gonna have to choose and all sorts of stuff
and being naive and and I thought that's what I
had to do to, you know, be sure, make her
happy and all that kind of stuff. So, yeah, it's
just a lot of a lot of red flags that
I I think like blissfully ignored, because I thought that
(01:24):
was what I was supposed to do.
Speaker 3 (01:25):
Find someone, fall in love and get married and absolutely
move on, you know, and you're you're laying everything out,
uh perfectly. One other question for you when all that
was going on, did you talk to anybody about it?
Speaker 2 (01:38):
Do you mean like therapy or like a pastor, or
like like or just like friends or like not not?
Speaker 3 (01:45):
Never crossed my mind, just so we're clear, never crossed
my mind. No, no, Rabbi, No, but like like close
friends or family.
Speaker 4 (01:57):
Well, the thing is, like I was alien you needed
honestly because I made the choice to try to make
it work with her, and I didn't have a lot
of friends then, because again she didn't get along with
a lot of them, and.
Speaker 2 (02:11):
So I chose her, and and that caused me to
kind of.
Speaker 3 (02:16):
A yeah, sure, no, no, So I was reading this
whole thing yesterday and I don't know, and this way
I want to dig into this, and this is why
I want somebody who's in the middle of an engagement.
Speaker 1 (02:24):
Right, Hey, dude, thank you, thank you my friend.
Speaker 5 (02:27):
Now and now I understand why you said it could
be sensit.
Speaker 3 (02:29):
Yeah, no, it could, it could so I was reading
this whole thing yesterday about how there are that for
for people whose marriages end up in divorce. Right, is
that there are so many red flags during the engagement
that get pushed aside for a number of reasons. Starting
with and I thought this was smart, starting with somebody
(02:51):
that'll go there's so much focus on getting engaged or dating,
if you will, and then getting married that that window
of the engagement you don't really focus on that other
than prepping, prepping, prepping, prepping, prepping, prepping, prepping, so you
don't really focus on anything going on during that. And
then when all of these little red flags pop up,
(03:15):
nobody wants to say anything for a couple of reasons.
Speaker 1 (03:18):
Number one, well, it's.
Speaker 3 (03:19):
The stress of putting the marriage together, so you have that,
so you excuse it.
Speaker 1 (03:24):
You start making excuses.
Speaker 3 (03:26):
Also, you don't want to go to friends or family
because you don't want to. Number one, you may be
a little embarrassed to be like, ugh, I don't know,
or these flags have popped up, you don't want to
back out because you think, well, you know what, it's
growing pains, We'll get through it.
Speaker 1 (03:44):
So there's that.
Speaker 3 (03:44):
So a little bit of it is embarrassment or feeling
of like, well, you know what, it's just it's stressful.
And the other one is you don't want your friends
or your family to think negatively of the person, as
you would dress the red flags with.
Speaker 1 (04:01):
Them, and then you end up marrying them.
Speaker 3 (04:04):
Right, Like Jackie and I have a very close friend
where they they went through. They're still married, but they
went through a horrible patch together and she bashed the
crap out of him and said all kinds.
Speaker 1 (04:16):
Of nasty stuff. So when I see them, that's all I.
Speaker 5 (04:19):
Think about it. This was when they were married.
Speaker 1 (04:21):
Yeah, yeah, this is after they got married. This was
after they got married.
Speaker 5 (04:23):
I've told you before. I know a couple that broke
up and some things were said to me about the
other person, and then they eventually got married.
Speaker 1 (04:32):
Yeah, and you can't, you can't.
Speaker 5 (04:33):
That's all you think about. Yeah, you can't forget that absolutely,
So I understand why people are hesitant to bring that
up for friends and family.
Speaker 1 (04:41):
So you know where a lot of people find advice
the internet. Strangers.
Speaker 5 (04:47):
Yeah, yeah, strangers.
Speaker 3 (04:48):
Credit the Uh yeah, no, you're one hundred percent right, right.
Does a stranger will go, oh, dude, I've seen this before. Yeah,
so they'll go there. But then people go like, well,
they don't know my situation, so they then they brush
all yeah, they discounted and go, well, you don't know me,
you don't know you don't know my fiance or my fiance.
So yeah, then they end up brushing it off. But
(05:08):
they said all not every case, obviously, but there are
so many for marriages that ended divorce. Listen, there are
people that stay married their whole life, where they go
on and they're married for twenty some odd years and
maybe it runs out at the end, but there were
no red flags during that.
Speaker 1 (05:24):
So it's not every case of divorce. But they said
there's so many where people are like head down and
just motor on through.
Speaker 5 (05:31):
But these are problems that they recognized during the engagement. Oh, retrospectively, Well,
sometimes you just ignore them or you find a way
to justify it ignoring them, you are acknowledging them at
the same time.
Speaker 3 (05:47):
Yeah, absolutely, absolutely, So yes, you you acknowledge them, but
maybe not in the moment you store them away and
just go listen, Yeah, listen, I knew I should have
known when like I was reading about one one dude
he was like, listen, like, I just thought that she
was really stressed out about the wedding.
Speaker 1 (06:03):
So when she threw my laptop across the room, I thought,
you know what.
Speaker 3 (06:07):
And she would call me stupid all the time, but
I was like, you know what, she's just she's very
stressed out, she's on edge and the whole thing.
Speaker 1 (06:14):
And they were divorced two years later.
Speaker 3 (06:16):
There you go, right, but what's He wasn't going to
go to his friend and go, hey, Jimmy, I don't
know what's up with Marta, but she's throwing my computer
across the room. And they also said sometimes friends won't
even tell you anything because they don't want to be
the one to.
Speaker 5 (06:29):
Go because then it's going to bite you in the ass.
Speaker 1 (06:31):
Dude, we've hated Marta the whole time you've been dating.
Speaker 5 (06:34):
And then oh look here's the wedding.
Speaker 3 (06:35):
They're married, right, and now I got to sit at
the wedding looking at my buddy in the eye.
Speaker 1 (06:38):
Go and I told you she's badass crazy.
Speaker 5 (06:42):
So would you say for the first call ever the
gentleman and called right? He ignored them or he thought
this was how it is.
Speaker 1 (06:52):
He thought that's how it is. Yeah, he knew it oh, he.
Speaker 3 (06:55):
Said that, you know, didn't get along with the family,
and I had to choose her. He didn't have a
lot of friends at the time, so he just barreled
down and went I'm not upset with him. I'm actually
proud of him for getting out of it later.
Speaker 5 (07:05):
But it kind of sounds like he in the moment
thought that was the natural occurrence.
Speaker 1 (07:11):
You find someone, you get married, and that was it.
Speaker 5 (07:14):
But here's here's an expression and always makes feel good
Hindsight's twenty twenty.
Speaker 1 (07:17):
Yeah, oh no, it's not. It's not. It's not.
Speaker 3 (07:21):
Line three, By the way, Will you do me a favor?
It's funny you say that. Will you write down expression me?
I'll have somebody else do it, Diane, Will.
Speaker 1 (07:30):
You do me a favor? Will you write down expression?
Speaker 5 (07:33):
Okay for me please?
Speaker 1 (07:34):
I'll get to that later. Line three, Hi, Yelly in
the morning?
Speaker 6 (07:41):
Hello?
Speaker 1 (07:42):
Yeah, Hi? Who's this?
Speaker 6 (07:44):
Is it? Joe?
Speaker 1 (07:45):
Joe? You're divorced, currently engaged? Joe's obviously a fake name.
Speaker 6 (07:54):
Oh no, that's really my name.
Speaker 5 (07:56):
Just hearing to talk about red flags.
Speaker 1 (08:01):
Hey, let me ask you this. Let me ask you this.
Speaker 5 (08:03):
Are you preoccupied for the last ten minutes?
Speaker 1 (08:07):
Maybe you're entirely.
Speaker 6 (08:08):
No, No, I've been listening.
Speaker 3 (08:10):
They live in another state and you're pushing on your
atoms up, Joe, question for it, question for you?
Speaker 1 (08:15):
Are there any are there any red flags in this thing?
Speaker 4 (08:19):
Uh?
Speaker 6 (08:20):
There's the reason why she's still waiting to get married.
Speaker 1 (08:24):
So are we Are you the red flag?
Speaker 3 (08:27):
No?
Speaker 1 (08:28):
No?
Speaker 3 (08:28):
Are you in a long term engagement? And you won't
set a date because there's concern?
Speaker 6 (08:34):
Absolutely? Yeah?
Speaker 3 (08:36):
Really, what is may I probe? Well, of course that's
my job. Hey, what is the give me your top
two red flags with her? Oh?
Speaker 6 (08:46):
The top two would be financial speaking.
Speaker 1 (08:51):
That is such a biggie. I'm glad you said that.
I'm glad you said that.
Speaker 5 (08:55):
He said at the end of irresponsibility.
Speaker 1 (08:56):
Yeah, the financial responsibility.
Speaker 5 (08:58):
Irresponsibility?
Speaker 1 (09:00):
Yeah, whatever.
Speaker 6 (09:01):
The and number two number two, Uh, can't detached from mommy?
Speaker 1 (09:07):
So we got Yeah, we got a I'm just gonna
call him up Gary the Uh.
Speaker 5 (09:16):
You learned that both of those.
Speaker 3 (09:18):
Absolutely did so. Can't detach from can't attach from mother?
Speaker 6 (09:24):
Yeah, right, very dependent on mom. The month she blows
her whole paycheck, it's always uh, oh, I need more
money mommy.
Speaker 1 (09:32):
The mother?
Speaker 3 (09:33):
What is the favorite can you write down something else
for me? Will you just write down the word mother.
It's like everybody's filling in my gaps today. Write down mother. Okay,
so those two things. So let me let me ask
you this, Joe. Why why not do you think if
if you got so you're engaged, it's just long term?
Why why stick through it?
Speaker 6 (09:56):
It's this kid's involved.
Speaker 1 (09:59):
Okay, I understand that, But why not? Why not? And
I'm being completely serious, I'm the product of divorce. Look
at me.
Speaker 3 (10:06):
Why why not let everybody go their separate ways and
and have and yeah, and find a find an amicable
way to be co parents.
Speaker 6 (10:18):
It's probably gonna end up like that, honestly, but.
Speaker 1 (10:22):
So, but why not? Why not?
Speaker 3 (10:23):
Why not cut bait nail now rather and then be
able to get on with being happy and.
Speaker 1 (10:28):
Let her go, Let her go be happy with mommy
Sorry mother.
Speaker 6 (10:34):
That's that's kind of been the thought recently, just getting
her to understand that that's what it needs to be.
She's got life made where she pays no bills, I
pay everything, so she don't want to leave.
Speaker 3 (10:46):
Right Well, dude, she's draining you like crazy?
Speaker 1 (10:51):
Oh I know what would her react? Would she be?
She wouldn't be if you called her.
Speaker 3 (10:55):
Right now, let's say we conferenced her in and we
called her and said, hey, this thing's done.
Speaker 1 (11:00):
Though, she's not going to be surprised, right, No.
Speaker 6 (11:06):
She'll just talk to me later today and try to
work it out.
Speaker 1 (11:10):
And would you do all of your I consider myself.
Speaker 5 (11:13):
You have you had that conversation like fifty times?
Speaker 6 (11:16):
Yes, Oh, it's been a constant conversation. Yeah, it's been
together for six and a half years.
Speaker 5 (11:23):
But right, it's some cost fallacy the wait, say again,
and yes, there is money involved in this situation, but
it's this idea that even though it's and he admitted
it possibly going to fail, and envying an endeavor that
does not work out, let me too much time and
effort that you keep putting it in.
Speaker 3 (11:43):
Right, No, that's true, that's true. I can tell you
this and listen, I want everybody to be happy. But
whether it's gonna fail, you're either gonna end it now
or you're gonna end it when you get married, which
is more expensive to get divorced.
Speaker 1 (11:57):
So it's going to you, you know it. You know
it's going to hit the crapper.
Speaker 6 (12:02):
That's why I haven't got married. Yeah, I've been engaged
twice and I didn't get married either time. I'm thirty five,
never been married.
Speaker 1 (12:09):
So what happened on the first one? What were those
red flags?
Speaker 6 (12:13):
Oh? That was kind of a dumb one. But she
wanted me to sell my car and I told her, no,
I'm not selling my car. And then a couple months
later she said, choose me in the car.
Speaker 1 (12:20):
So I was like, car it is, shake it out
absolutely great. By the way, great though, got the car.
Great call. Great call.
Speaker 3 (12:27):
If Jackie said to me, choose me or the car,
I'd be like your petty, I would choose the car.
I would I would That's crazy talk. Hey, what is the.
Speaker 6 (12:35):
Well at the time, I was putting thousands of dollars
into this car, but I've also had it since I
was thirteen. It was a grandparents car that I bought
off of them and I still have it.
Speaker 5 (12:44):
Yeah, sentimental for you.
Speaker 3 (12:45):
You not have to explain anything. Oh, I'm TEA, I'm
team Joe. Hey, what is the do all of your
friends the current woman? I don't know what her name is,
but the current woman? Do all of your friends and
family like they don't like her either? Like they'll tell
you not that, not that they don't like her, but
they'll like dude, you can't marry.
Speaker 6 (13:01):
Her pretty much.
Speaker 1 (13:05):
There you go.
Speaker 6 (13:05):
I I got one friend it's like, oh, just do it,
just do it. But he's the history of four or
five divorces now.
Speaker 1 (13:11):
So yeah, there you go, there you go. That's you
know what.
Speaker 3 (13:14):
There's the role model, that's the perfect one.
Speaker 1 (13:17):
How's the uh, how's the sex?
Speaker 6 (13:20):
It's all right?
Speaker 1 (13:21):
All right, all right, Well this sounds like a win
win win to me.
Speaker 3 (13:24):
All Right, dude, you will call me back when everything
comes under and if you want me to be on
the phone when it happens, I'm happy to do it.
Speaker 6 (13:32):
Oh try, I'm a big boy. I could do it.
Speaker 1 (13:33):
I know you can't. I know you can't. All right, Joe,
I appreciate it. Thank you, sir. By the way, there's
your perfect answer.
Speaker 5 (13:39):
Yeah, but I know we're not exactly strangers to him.
But do you think he'll take your advice? Yes, because
you said that. The research shows people go to strangers
and then still ignore what's said to them.
Speaker 3 (13:52):
We're in between friends and strangers. Like we're friends, but
like we don't hang out. But we're not strange because
he knows us so I'm mid road. So to you,
that means he's not gonna get married.
Speaker 1 (14:06):
He's not gonna get married.
Speaker 5 (14:07):
Now, it's just gonna get stretched out right.
Speaker 1 (14:10):
But would you wouldn't you just cut bait?
Speaker 5 (14:12):
That's hard, especially like he said, there are children.
Speaker 1 (14:16):
Yeah, but you could still. They're gonna be around whether
you're married or divorced.
Speaker 5 (14:19):
It's easy for us to say, being completely detached from it.
Speaker 3 (14:23):
No, it's easy for me to say because that's how
I grew up. I'm glad my parents got divorced. I
wouldn't want them to be miserable. I mean they were
both miserable even after they got divorced.
Speaker 1 (14:32):
Phil Line five, Hi.
Speaker 7 (14:37):
Elliot in the morning, Hey elliot, how are you good?
Speaker 1 (14:40):
Are you divorced? Engaged? Where are you? And all this?
Speaker 7 (14:44):
So first one divorced from and I'm currently engaged.
Speaker 1 (14:47):
Let's go to the first one. Doubt it? Did you know?
Speaker 3 (14:51):
Was there some kind of hunkering in the back of
your head during the engagement period where you were like,
this ain't gonna work.
Speaker 1 (14:58):
Nope?
Speaker 7 (14:58):
So first one was my high school crush. Her mom
hated me, absolutely hated me, and then was a completely
different person during the engagement, and then once we got married,
her personality completely changed.
Speaker 3 (15:13):
So you had no there were no red flags that
came up at all during the engagement, No, sir, even
in hindsight looking back, there's nothing. And listen, I believe you.
There was nothing where you were like, ah, I should
have seen this.
Speaker 1 (15:25):
Coming to me.
Speaker 7 (15:27):
It was little stuff, so like a few disagreements with
some of the family, and it's not like they were
big arguments or something that would cause like a family discussion,
but like would get on my parents' nerves a little bit.
And I'm thinking, hey, it's this is normal, like kind
of like the first caller said, I just kind of
thought everything was normal. Sure, so you're you're supposed to
(15:48):
bicker during the engagement, You're supposed to have some stressed
out situations. But nothing stands out as far as this
is going to be a big deal later.
Speaker 1 (15:57):
Now, what about in the current one? Current one?
Speaker 7 (16:02):
Yeah, there are some.
Speaker 1 (16:11):
Flip flop.
Speaker 3 (16:12):
I expected the first one to be yes and the
second one to be no.
Speaker 7 (16:16):
Now, so there are somes Her personalities a little bit
uh we'll call it selfish or self absorbed. And she
has a for whatever reason, of a tough time of
being grateful, like, that's that's my struggle now. And the
reason I'm still with her is because she has a lot.
We share a lot of the same values and a
(16:37):
lot of the same life goals, So it's it's kind
of hard to to just separate from that.
Speaker 5 (16:44):
Save for appreciation.
Speaker 1 (16:50):
Do you do you think you'll end up getting married?
Speaker 7 (16:54):
Yes, sir, you do.
Speaker 6 (16:58):
Oh?
Speaker 7 (16:59):
Absolutely, Like the I am. Uh, I'm thirty five, so
I'm starting to get up there where the dating age
and the dating pool is slim unless I start going
a lot younger.
Speaker 1 (17:10):
Yeah, that's there's nothing wrong with that. Yeah.
Speaker 3 (17:12):
No, you do what you gotta do, live your life
the uh yeah them? Or do you just feel like
you're you're so far into this thing that you can't
you can't get out.
Speaker 7 (17:25):
Uh, it's not that. I've had the conversation when I
do get stressed with my parents and my dad like, dude,
don't marry her?
Speaker 5 (17:31):
Oh boy, that's rough. Do they have a date? Yeah?
Did you send out like save the dates and everything?
Speaker 7 (17:38):
Yes?
Speaker 6 (17:38):
We did.
Speaker 1 (17:39):
That's okay, that's that's all right. That's all right. Listen,
that doesn't it's.
Speaker 5 (17:43):
Not an invitation, it's just to save the date.
Speaker 3 (17:45):
No, and you know what, No, no, no, And a
lot of people go, I don't want to I don't
want to send out to save the date. I don't
even want to send out invitations and then have to
go back because I'm afraid of how it'll look.
Speaker 1 (17:55):
Right, But who cares how it looks? So what wouldn't
you rather?
Speaker 3 (17:59):
And I'm sir, if you if you're gonna marry or
I hope, I hope everything goes great, and I hope
your dad changes his mind.
Speaker 1 (18:04):
But I'm saying, wouldn't you rather?
Speaker 3 (18:06):
Wouldn't you rather there be some office gossip than to
just go like, uh, I'm in for a life of misery.
But I didn't want to have to tell everybody don't
come to the wedding.
Speaker 7 (18:16):
So that's my thought process. My thought process is, we've
we've set the date, we'll we'll schedule it and if
I have to call it off, I'll call it off.
Speaker 1 (18:26):
But you don't you don't see it going that way?
Speaker 7 (18:29):
No, not currently. No, We've we've had a lot of
tough discussions, she's had a lot of self reflection, and
the current state of things is actually pretty nice. But
it doesn't mean there weren't red flags along the way.
Speaker 3 (18:40):
Now, if you go through with it, or when you
go through with it, I don't even want to say if.
But when you go through with it, will your dad
be able to come around or is he just sitting
there waiting for the big I told you so? Oh?
Speaker 7 (18:51):
No, he's pretty amicable. He kind of he kind of
sees things nicely. But that doesn't mean he won't give
me I told you so if it does happen.
Speaker 5 (19:00):
Dads being dads. Remember I remembered us discussing this possibility.
Let's figure out what we can learn from it. You
don't say I told you so.
Speaker 1 (19:10):
Oh that's right, that's right.
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