December 24, 2025 • 20 mins
For so many, the holiday season can bring about feelings of depression, complicated family dynamics, grief, or the quiet ache of being alone when joy feels mandatory. In this solo episode, I’m talking about why loneliness can feel heavier this time of year, the many reasons we may find ourselves alone, and how to care for ourselves through a season that can be emotionally demanding.
About the Podcast
The Therapy for Black Girls Podcast is a weekly conversation with Dr. Joy Harden Bradford, a licensed Psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia, about all things mental health, personal development, and all the small decisions we can make to become the best possible versions of ourselves.
Resources & Announcements
You can now catch episodes of the Therapy for Black Girls podcast on YouTube. Be sure to subscribe to get new episodes every week.
Did you know you can leave us a voice note with your questions for the podcast? If you have a question you'd like some feedback on, topics you'd like to hear covered, or want to suggest movies or books for us to review, drop us a message at memo.fm/therapyforblackgirls and let us know what’s on your mind. We just might share it on the podcast.
Grab your copy of Sisterhood Heals.
Stay Connected
Join us in over on Patreon where we're building community through our chats, connecting at Sunday Night Check-Ins, and soaking in the wisdom from exclusive series like Ask Dr. Joy and So, My Therapist Said.
Is there a topic you'd like covered on the podcast? Submit it at therapyforblackgirls.com/mailbox.
If you're looking for a therapist in your area, check out the directory at https://www.therapyforblackgirls.com/directory.
Grab your copy of our guided affirmation and other TBG Merch at therapyforblackgirls.com/shop.
The hashtag for the podcast is #TBGinSession.
Make sure to follow us on social media:
Twitter: @therapy4bgirls
Instagram: @therapyforblackgirls
Facebook: @therapyforblackgirls
Our Production Team
Executive Producers: Dennison Bradford & Gabrielle Collins
Director of Podcast & Digital Content: Ellice Ellis
Producers: Tyree Rush & Ndeye Thioubou
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:10):
Welcome to the Therapy for Black Girls Podcast, a weekly
conversation about mental health, personal development, and all the small
decisions we can make to become the best possible versions
of ourselves. I'm your host, doctor Joy hard and Bradford,
a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. For more information or
(00:32):
to find a therapist in your area, visit our website
at Therapy for Blackgirls dot com. While I hope you
love listening to and learning from the podcast, it is
not meant to be a substitute for a relationship with
a licensed mental health professional. Hey, y'all, thanks so much
(00:57):
for joining me for session four forty three of the
Therapy for Black Girls Podcast. We'll get right into our
conversation after a word from our sponsors. So many of
you may be familiar with the Beautiful Emotions record What
(01:18):
Did the Lonely Do at Christmas? So the song was
released in nineteen seventy three, and is I think accurately
about a breakup and having a Christmas holiday after a breakup.
But I think it was ahead of its time because
I think that it named some very difficult emotions that
we have just now started to talk about, which is loneliness,
(01:39):
and sadness during the holidays, And so what I want
to talk about today is why some of those feelings
come up for us, because I think that there is
often a lot of expectation and a lot of pressure
for this to be the most joyful, the most wonderful
time of the year, and if you are not feeling
that way, I think it can and can bring up
(02:00):
a lot of feelings of shame and guilt and confusion
about why you can't get into the holiday spirit. And
I think it's important for us to have a place
where we talk about that. So there are a couple
of different reasons, especially this year, I think that may
be contributing to any loneliness or sadness that you may
be feeling. So one the holiday season already correlates with
(02:23):
the time of year where we see more seasonal effective disorder,
which is a type of depression where your mood is
impacted by the weather. Most often we see this in
the winter season, but we can also see symptoms of
seasonal effective disorder with the change in spring summer. In
this time of year, I think is particularly impactful to
(02:45):
our mood because we know that we are getting less
sunlight the days are shorter, the nights are longer, it's colder,
which means that we are maybe not as interested in
being outside, which means that we maybe aren't spending time
with loved ones socializing as much as we use to,
which all could impact our mood. So the holiday season
already is correlated with the time of the year where
(03:06):
we might be experiencing an impacted, more depressed mood. Anyway,
add to that the expectations, like I said, of this
being a joyful time of year, right, this idea that
this is when holiday magic is happening. This is where
we are maybe gifting other people, maybe spending time with
(03:27):
family and friends. And if you just are not feeling that,
I think it can be really difficult. And the expectations
of around holiday magic. There's been a lot of research
that has come out in the past couple of years
that talks about how much this holiday magic is actually
built on the backs of women. Right, so who is
(03:47):
responsible for the twinkling lights and making sure that kids
stockings are hung and that we have crafts for the
teachers and all of these things. A lot of times
that expectation falls on women, which already adds to a
very difficult load as we are trying to wrap up
a year we know sometimes that can come with increased
(04:08):
workload responsibilities, and so the expectations and the ideas about
what should be happening during this season, I think can
really really add to a lot of stress for people.
So that's something else that I think is important to
keep in mind that these ideas of the shoulds and
the pressure of this season can really make you feel
lonely and isolated if you are not feeling up to it.
(04:30):
And I think especially this year, right when we know
we are a couple of years post pandemic, the political
landscape has been treacherous, just lots of different things going
on in the world that would make it naturally that
you might not be feeling very in the holiday spirit
right now. And so if you are feeling that way again,
(04:51):
I just want you to know that you're not alone
in that there's nothing wrong with you. You have not
failed as a human. I think that you are likely
having a very normal and natural human response to what
can sometimes be a very difficult part of the year.
So you're not alone with that at all. Something else
that I think can impact people's feelings of togetherness and
(05:16):
holiday spirit. And why you might be feeling a little
more lonely right now is that everything is so expensive
right now, right and so logistically, even if you want
it to be with family right now, it might not
be possible, right like flights are very expensive, trains are expensive,
gas is expensive, and maybe you don't even have a
(05:37):
lot of time off work if that's even possible, And
so logistically it just may not even be possible for
you to get together with family and friends, which I
think can make it feel a little more lonely this
season if that is something that you want to do now.
On the other hand, you may not actually be interested
in getting together with family and friends because maybe those
(05:58):
are not actually peaceful experiences for you. So if we
think about the black classic soul food movie, we know
what can oftentimes happen when families are together, and we
are trying to preserve traditions in the interest of actually
being honest with one another, right, and so family gatherings
are not always a happy time. They are often really
(06:21):
really difficult for people for lots of different reasons, Sometimes
because secrets are being kept, sometimes because people are just
invested in stepping all over and across your boundaries, even
though you've asked them not to do certain things because
there may be a history of trauma in the family
that has not been addressed. There are lots of different
(06:43):
reasons why family gatherings, especially during the holiday season, are
just not a peaceful and fun time. And so maybe
it's not that you logistically can't. Maybe it's that you're
actually choosing that you don't want to spend time with
family this year, which is also okay. But even when
we make decisions that are in the interest of our
own mental health and protecting our peace and you really
(07:07):
kind of pouring into ourselves, that doesn't mean that they
don't also sometimes come with guilt and this idea of
I should have done this thing, or this is what
my family has always done, it can still be a
very isolating and lonely experience, even if you are making
a decision that you know is in the best interests
of yourself and your mental health. And so again I
(07:29):
want to give space for us to just kind of
talk about that, right, like this idea that even when
you make a decision that's good for you, it doesn't
mean that you might not be sad and that you
might not grieve the experience is because sometimes the experiences
are not wholly bad, right, And even if it is
a not so great experience, it is something that you're
(07:49):
still used to and us getting out of routines. There
is a grief. There is a loss related to doing
something different, even if the something different is a better
for you, still disrupting your pattern, and there is a
sense of grief and loss that can come with that,
which may be contributing to some feelings of loneliness that
your habit right now. And as we're talking about grief,
(08:11):
there of course is grief related to changes in the
family and if you decide to do something different, But
there's also grief related to the loss of loved ones. Right.
So the first holiday season after a significant family membver
has died, or if there has been a divorce or
some kind of other family change can be really really difficult. Again,
(08:34):
we are such creatures of habit and routine, and so
the idea that maybe this is your first holiday season
without your mom or your grandmother or somebody else who
is really important to you can be really really difficult.
And we know that grief does not have any kind
of timeline right. And so even if you think, oh,
I should be further along in my grief process or
(08:56):
I didn't expect that this would hit me as hard
as it did, I do want you to know that
the first holiday season after a significant loss is really
really difficult for most people. And so it's really important
that you give yourself grace and treat yourself with lots
of compassion and gentleness right now, because grief will just
sneak up in lots of ways that maybe you didn't
(09:18):
even expect, especially during the holiday season. And so what
is important is for you to also think about how
you are going to maybe honor your loved one. So
do you want to share stories with other loved ones
about who this person was? Are their traditions that you
want to take on that this person maybe typically what's
(09:40):
responsible for Do you want to visit a grave site?
What kind of ways do you plan to incorporate the
memory of this person and who this person was to
you during the holiday season, Because I think sometimes what
happens is that we don't have a plan for how
we're going to manage the grief and how we're going
to honor that person, and we really get knocked off
(10:01):
kilter once the holiday hits, and so I think it's
important to think about, Okay, how am I going to
deal with this? What kinds of things do I want
to do, so that you actually have a plan for
how you're going on to that person for the holiday.
More from our conversation after the break. Another factor that
(10:25):
can make the season really difficult for lots of people
is that it is a very especially the Christmas holidays,
Like it's a very Christian centered holiday, right, and so
if that is not something that's important to you or
is not your belief system, it can very much feel
like a party that like everybody's celebrating that you are
feeling very excluded from, right. It kind of feels like
(10:47):
you're on the outside looking in. And so I think
that that can again bring up some feelings of loneliness
and exclusion, because it feels like this is not quite
my thing, but I'm expected to buy into this and
kind of be a part of this season because so
many different people are experiencing it. I also think it's
important to think about the religious trauma that can happen
(11:08):
as a part of being a part of faith communities.
And so if that's something that you've experienced. Again, I
think the holiday season can be really difficult when so
many people are talking about kind of Christian centered messages,
and you know, the expectation is that you just fall
in line with that, when the truth is that that
may not be everybody's belief system. So in addition to
having a plan for how you might manage grief during
(11:32):
this holiday season, I also think it is important to
think about other things that you can do to cope
if you feel like this season is really difficult for you,
because again, I think sometimes what happens is that we
don't expect the season to maybe be as difficult, and
then we just it sneaks up on us and we
don't have a plan. And so if you are spending
the holiday season alone, or if you're feeling a little
(11:54):
more lonely or isolated, here are some things that I
want you to think about that could make this a
little bit more manageable for you. And I use that
word very intentionally, right, because the idea is not that
you want to force joy if you don't actually feel joyful.
By all means, if you are feeling it and doing
all the things go with it, we definitely want to
(12:15):
seek joy whenever we can, but if you're not actually there,
then the purpose is not for you to kind of
be fake and force joy. It is actually to be
okay with whatever it is you're feeling, and to put
some things in place to help you to manage and navigate.
So one thing I think is really important during this
time is some gentle structure. So I think that this
(12:36):
time of year can sometimes be a little unstructured if
we are out of work, when the kids are out
of school, and like the days kind of run into
one another and you're not quite sure what you're supposed
to be doing. Having even a little bit of structure
can be helpful to just manage and help your mood.
So that may be you know, kind of sticking with
eating regularly, taking care of yourself in terms of bathing
(12:58):
and daily hygiene, has it things maybe a brief walk
around your neighborhood or some other thing that feels important
to you in terms of movement. Those kinds of activities
can really help to just add some structure to your
day so that it doesn't feel like just ten days
of kind of unstructured chaos. Adding in a few things
(13:20):
that can help to maintain some structure can actually be
really helpful for your mental health. I know y'all hear
me talk about this all the time, but paying attention
to your social media use right now can be really critical,
especially if you are somebody who finds yourself doing a
lot of comparison and kind of feeling like, oh, look
how happy other people are right now, or they have
(13:41):
so much holiday spirit, And I don't you know that
we're only ever seeing people's highlight reels on social media,
but this can really intensify any feelings of sadness and
loneliness when we are looking at people in their beautiful
family pictures and all of those things. And again, there's
nothing wrong with those things, but if you are not
(14:01):
feeling that right now, that seeing images and imagery of
other people really appearing as though they are in the
spirit can really make your feelings more intense. And so
if that is the case for you, again, would just
encourage you to modify and be mindful of your social
media consumption so that you're not constantly like berating yourself
(14:23):
with other people's happy images when you are not actually
feeling very helpful. Instead, I'd encourage you to lean into
communities that maybe feel more gentle to you right now,
maybe there are other people I know that there are
other people who are also feeling similarly, and so, you know,
leading into those kinds of conversations and going into online
(14:44):
spaces where you are allowed to feel all of your
feelings and not forced to kind of put on this
air of happiness when you don't feel it is something
that could be really helpful for you, just knowing that
you're not actually alone with whatever it is that you're feeling.
Journaling and voice notes are always a great practice to
just kind of be in touch with what it is
you're feeling. Now. Maybe you are somebody who was just
(15:06):
not a holiday person, which is totally fine, But if
this feels different for you this year in particular, journaling
or doing some voice notes to talk about why you
think you're feeling that way and what's coming up for
you when you think about what's happening during this season
could be really helpful just to give yourself a place
to put your feelings down on paper or in voice notes.
(15:28):
And these are not things that ever have to go anywhere.
You don't have to share them with anybody, you don't
have to make them public, but I think it can
be a really good exercise in getting clear on what
you're feeling if you journal or do some voice notes.
More from our conversation after the break. Something else to
(15:53):
keep in mind is what might connection look like for
you right now? So, if you've decided that you are
not spending time with family in the traditional ways, are
there other things that you might want to do? Could
it be that you are exchanging text messages with somebody
who's really important, or do you do a brief zoom
call with somebody who can make you feel less isolated
(16:15):
right now? Are there other things that you would like
to do to connect in ways that are maybe different
than what you've traditionally done I've already mentioned. Are there
communities online are in person where you can connect with
other people who allow you to feel the range of
your feelings without having to be forced happy If you're
not volunteering We've talked about a lot on the podcast
(16:39):
can be an excellent way, and I know a lot
of organizations do things on Christmas like food giveaways or
feeding or cooking. Are there ways that you want to
get involved in your community that still allow you to
have some human connection? That maybe feels healthier for you
and feels more purposeful for you, more compassionate for you
than maybe systems that are not very very welcoming and
(17:02):
healthy for you. Looking at ways for you to redefine
connection and to have connection on your own terms for
the holiday season can be really really great. And if
you decide, you know what, this loneliness doesn't feel great,
but I'm also okay with it, then that's also okay. Right,
So I'm offering suggestions for people who are wanting to
(17:22):
connect and maybe ways that are different. But if you
actually are not interested in connecting and would really just
like to spend this time unplugged, doing your own thing,
catching up on movies, you know, doing whatever, doing some crafts,
however you choose to spend this time, that is also okay.
What I'm really wanting to do is just give you
permission to lean into however it is that you're feeling,
(17:44):
without this expectation that you should be feeling any kind
of way that you might not be this year. So
as we wrap up, I just want to offer a
couple of affirmations, a couple of things that you may
want to take to your journal to help you to
can you to navigate this season. So one, loneliness does
not mean failure or being unlovable. It does not at
(18:08):
all decide those things. Being alone is not the same
as being abandoned. So you may be alone for the holidays,
but you are not abandoned. There are people who love
you and care about you. The season is temporary, even
if it feels like it's endless and really really difficult
right now. You are allowed to opt out of traditions
(18:31):
that don't serve you, even if you've been doing them
for a very long time. And finally, as I've mentioned before,
the goal for this season can actually just be survival
in getting through it. It does not have to be
happiness and joy. So if you are somebody who's experiencing
loneliness right now or feeling like I'm just not in
(18:53):
the holiday spirit, I'd love for you to share with
us in the comments section or on threads how you're
actually planning to navigate this season and maybe what kinds
of things have been helpful for you as you prepare
to navigate the holiday season. I do hope that some
of what I've offered has been helpful for you. Again,
the goal of the podcast is always to give you
(19:14):
a space to kind of feel all of your feelings
and to talk about some things that maybe we are
not talking about in other places, and for you to
know that you are okay and that you are not
alone in any single thing that you are ever feeling.
If you feel like this episode has been helpful for you,
I would love for you to share with another sister
who you think might benefit. And if you need additional support,
(19:35):
please make sure that you check out our therapist directory
where you can connect with a therapist in your area
who can offer you some additional support. And remember, however
this season looks for you, you deserve love and care,
especially from yourself. Don't forget to follow us over on
Instagram at Therapy for Black Girls. And if you want
(19:57):
to have more conversations like this and join a very
active community of other sisters, come on over and join
us in our patreon at community dot Therapy for Blackgirls
dot com. This episode was produced by A. Lisa Ellis
Indijubu and Tyrie Rush. Editing was done by Dennison Bradford.
Thank y'all so much for joining me again this week.
(20:19):
I look forward to continuing this conversation with you all
real soon. Take good care
Welcome to the Therapy for Black Girls Podcast, a weekly
conversation about mental health, personal development, and all the small
decisions we can make to become the best possible versions
of ourselves. I'm your host, doctor Joy hard and Bradford,
a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. For more information or
(00:32):
to find a therapist in your area, visit our website
at Therapy for Blackgirls dot com. While I hope you
love listening to and learning from the podcast, it is
not meant to be a substitute for a relationship with
a licensed mental health professional. Hey, y'all, thanks so much
(00:57):
for joining me for session four forty three of the
Therapy for Black Girls Podcast. We'll get right into our
conversation after a word from our sponsors. So many of
you may be familiar with the Beautiful Emotions record What
(01:18):
Did the Lonely Do at Christmas? So the song was
released in nineteen seventy three, and is I think accurately
about a breakup and having a Christmas holiday after a breakup.
But I think it was ahead of its time because
I think that it named some very difficult emotions that
we have just now started to talk about, which is loneliness,
(01:39):
and sadness during the holidays, And so what I want
to talk about today is why some of those feelings
come up for us, because I think that there is
often a lot of expectation and a lot of pressure
for this to be the most joyful, the most wonderful
time of the year, and if you are not feeling
that way, I think it can and can bring up
(02:00):
a lot of feelings of shame and guilt and confusion
about why you can't get into the holiday spirit. And
I think it's important for us to have a place
where we talk about that. So there are a couple
of different reasons, especially this year, I think that may
be contributing to any loneliness or sadness that you may
be feeling. So one the holiday season already correlates with
(02:23):
the time of year where we see more seasonal effective disorder,
which is a type of depression where your mood is
impacted by the weather. Most often we see this in
the winter season, but we can also see symptoms of
seasonal effective disorder with the change in spring summer. In
this time of year, I think is particularly impactful to
(02:45):
our mood because we know that we are getting less
sunlight the days are shorter, the nights are longer, it's colder,
which means that we are maybe not as interested in
being outside, which means that we maybe aren't spending time
with loved ones socializing as much as we use to,
which all could impact our mood. So the holiday season
already is correlated with the time of the year where
(03:06):
we might be experiencing an impacted, more depressed mood. Anyway,
add to that the expectations, like I said, of this
being a joyful time of year, right, this idea that
this is when holiday magic is happening. This is where
we are maybe gifting other people, maybe spending time with
(03:27):
family and friends. And if you just are not feeling that,
I think it can be really difficult. And the expectations
of around holiday magic. There's been a lot of research
that has come out in the past couple of years
that talks about how much this holiday magic is actually
built on the backs of women. Right, so who is
(03:47):
responsible for the twinkling lights and making sure that kids
stockings are hung and that we have crafts for the
teachers and all of these things. A lot of times
that expectation falls on women, which already adds to a
very difficult load as we are trying to wrap up
a year we know sometimes that can come with increased
(04:08):
workload responsibilities, and so the expectations and the ideas about
what should be happening during this season, I think can
really really add to a lot of stress for people.
So that's something else that I think is important to
keep in mind that these ideas of the shoulds and
the pressure of this season can really make you feel
lonely and isolated if you are not feeling up to it.
(04:30):
And I think especially this year, right when we know
we are a couple of years post pandemic, the political
landscape has been treacherous, just lots of different things going
on in the world that would make it naturally that
you might not be feeling very in the holiday spirit
right now. And so if you are feeling that way again,
(04:51):
I just want you to know that you're not alone
in that there's nothing wrong with you. You have not
failed as a human. I think that you are likely
having a very normal and natural human response to what
can sometimes be a very difficult part of the year.
So you're not alone with that at all. Something else
that I think can impact people's feelings of togetherness and
(05:16):
holiday spirit. And why you might be feeling a little
more lonely right now is that everything is so expensive
right now, right and so logistically, even if you want
it to be with family right now, it might not
be possible, right like flights are very expensive, trains are expensive,
gas is expensive, and maybe you don't even have a
(05:37):
lot of time off work if that's even possible, And
so logistically it just may not even be possible for
you to get together with family and friends, which I
think can make it feel a little more lonely this
season if that is something that you want to do now.
On the other hand, you may not actually be interested
in getting together with family and friends because maybe those
(05:58):
are not actually peaceful experiences for you. So if we
think about the black classic soul food movie, we know
what can oftentimes happen when families are together, and we
are trying to preserve traditions in the interest of actually
being honest with one another, right, and so family gatherings
are not always a happy time. They are often really
(06:21):
really difficult for people for lots of different reasons, Sometimes
because secrets are being kept, sometimes because people are just
invested in stepping all over and across your boundaries, even
though you've asked them not to do certain things because
there may be a history of trauma in the family
that has not been addressed. There are lots of different
(06:43):
reasons why family gatherings, especially during the holiday season, are
just not a peaceful and fun time. And so maybe
it's not that you logistically can't. Maybe it's that you're
actually choosing that you don't want to spend time with
family this year, which is also okay. But even when
we make decisions that are in the interest of our
own mental health and protecting our peace and you really
(07:07):
kind of pouring into ourselves, that doesn't mean that they
don't also sometimes come with guilt and this idea of
I should have done this thing, or this is what
my family has always done, it can still be a
very isolating and lonely experience, even if you are making
a decision that you know is in the best interests
of yourself and your mental health. And so again I
(07:29):
want to give space for us to just kind of
talk about that, right, like this idea that even when
you make a decision that's good for you, it doesn't
mean that you might not be sad and that you
might not grieve the experience is because sometimes the experiences
are not wholly bad, right, And even if it is
a not so great experience, it is something that you're
(07:49):
still used to and us getting out of routines. There
is a grief. There is a loss related to doing
something different, even if the something different is a better
for you, still disrupting your pattern, and there is a
sense of grief and loss that can come with that,
which may be contributing to some feelings of loneliness that
your habit right now. And as we're talking about grief,
(08:11):
there of course is grief related to changes in the
family and if you decide to do something different, But
there's also grief related to the loss of loved ones. Right.
So the first holiday season after a significant family membver
has died, or if there has been a divorce or
some kind of other family change can be really really difficult. Again,
(08:34):
we are such creatures of habit and routine, and so
the idea that maybe this is your first holiday season
without your mom or your grandmother or somebody else who
is really important to you can be really really difficult.
And we know that grief does not have any kind
of timeline right. And so even if you think, oh,
I should be further along in my grief process or
(08:56):
I didn't expect that this would hit me as hard
as it did, I do want you to know that
the first holiday season after a significant loss is really
really difficult for most people. And so it's really important
that you give yourself grace and treat yourself with lots
of compassion and gentleness right now, because grief will just
sneak up in lots of ways that maybe you didn't
(09:18):
even expect, especially during the holiday season. And so what
is important is for you to also think about how
you are going to maybe honor your loved one. So
do you want to share stories with other loved ones
about who this person was? Are their traditions that you
want to take on that this person maybe typically what's
(09:40):
responsible for Do you want to visit a grave site?
What kind of ways do you plan to incorporate the
memory of this person and who this person was to
you during the holiday season, Because I think sometimes what
happens is that we don't have a plan for how
we're going to manage the grief and how we're going
to honor that person, and we really get knocked off
(10:01):
kilter once the holiday hits, and so I think it's
important to think about, Okay, how am I going to
deal with this? What kinds of things do I want
to do, so that you actually have a plan for
how you're going on to that person for the holiday.
More from our conversation after the break. Another factor that
(10:25):
can make the season really difficult for lots of people
is that it is a very especially the Christmas holidays,
Like it's a very Christian centered holiday, right, and so
if that is not something that's important to you or
is not your belief system, it can very much feel
like a party that like everybody's celebrating that you are
feeling very excluded from, right. It kind of feels like
(10:47):
you're on the outside looking in. And so I think
that that can again bring up some feelings of loneliness
and exclusion, because it feels like this is not quite
my thing, but I'm expected to buy into this and
kind of be a part of this season because so
many different people are experiencing it. I also think it's
important to think about the religious trauma that can happen
(11:08):
as a part of being a part of faith communities.
And so if that's something that you've experienced. Again, I
think the holiday season can be really difficult when so
many people are talking about kind of Christian centered messages,
and you know, the expectation is that you just fall
in line with that, when the truth is that that
may not be everybody's belief system. So in addition to
having a plan for how you might manage grief during
(11:32):
this holiday season, I also think it is important to
think about other things that you can do to cope
if you feel like this season is really difficult for you,
because again, I think sometimes what happens is that we
don't expect the season to maybe be as difficult, and
then we just it sneaks up on us and we
don't have a plan. And so if you are spending
the holiday season alone, or if you're feeling a little
(11:54):
more lonely or isolated, here are some things that I
want you to think about that could make this a
little bit more manageable for you. And I use that
word very intentionally, right, because the idea is not that
you want to force joy if you don't actually feel joyful.
By all means, if you are feeling it and doing
all the things go with it, we definitely want to
(12:15):
seek joy whenever we can, but if you're not actually there,
then the purpose is not for you to kind of
be fake and force joy. It is actually to be
okay with whatever it is you're feeling, and to put
some things in place to help you to manage and navigate.
So one thing I think is really important during this
time is some gentle structure. So I think that this
(12:36):
time of year can sometimes be a little unstructured if
we are out of work, when the kids are out
of school, and like the days kind of run into
one another and you're not quite sure what you're supposed
to be doing. Having even a little bit of structure
can be helpful to just manage and help your mood.
So that may be you know, kind of sticking with
eating regularly, taking care of yourself in terms of bathing
(12:58):
and daily hygiene, has it things maybe a brief walk
around your neighborhood or some other thing that feels important
to you in terms of movement. Those kinds of activities
can really help to just add some structure to your
day so that it doesn't feel like just ten days
of kind of unstructured chaos. Adding in a few things
(13:20):
that can help to maintain some structure can actually be
really helpful for your mental health. I know y'all hear
me talk about this all the time, but paying attention
to your social media use right now can be really critical,
especially if you are somebody who finds yourself doing a
lot of comparison and kind of feeling like, oh, look
how happy other people are right now, or they have
(13:41):
so much holiday spirit, And I don't you know that
we're only ever seeing people's highlight reels on social media,
but this can really intensify any feelings of sadness and
loneliness when we are looking at people in their beautiful
family pictures and all of those things. And again, there's
nothing wrong with those things, but if you are not
(14:01):
feeling that right now, that seeing images and imagery of
other people really appearing as though they are in the
spirit can really make your feelings more intense. And so
if that is the case for you, again, would just
encourage you to modify and be mindful of your social
media consumption so that you're not constantly like berating yourself
(14:23):
with other people's happy images when you are not actually
feeling very helpful. Instead, I'd encourage you to lean into
communities that maybe feel more gentle to you right now,
maybe there are other people I know that there are
other people who are also feeling similarly, and so, you know,
leading into those kinds of conversations and going into online
(14:44):
spaces where you are allowed to feel all of your
feelings and not forced to kind of put on this
air of happiness when you don't feel it is something
that could be really helpful for you, just knowing that
you're not actually alone with whatever it is that you're feeling.
Journaling and voice notes are always a great practice to
just kind of be in touch with what it is
you're feeling. Now. Maybe you are somebody who was just
(15:06):
not a holiday person, which is totally fine, But if
this feels different for you this year in particular, journaling
or doing some voice notes to talk about why you
think you're feeling that way and what's coming up for
you when you think about what's happening during this season
could be really helpful just to give yourself a place
to put your feelings down on paper or in voice notes.
(15:28):
And these are not things that ever have to go anywhere.
You don't have to share them with anybody, you don't
have to make them public, but I think it can
be a really good exercise in getting clear on what
you're feeling if you journal or do some voice notes.
More from our conversation after the break. Something else to
(15:53):
keep in mind is what might connection look like for
you right now? So, if you've decided that you are
not spending time with family in the traditional ways, are
there other things that you might want to do? Could
it be that you are exchanging text messages with somebody
who's really important, or do you do a brief zoom
call with somebody who can make you feel less isolated
(16:15):
right now? Are there other things that you would like
to do to connect in ways that are maybe different
than what you've traditionally done I've already mentioned. Are there
communities online are in person where you can connect with
other people who allow you to feel the range of
your feelings without having to be forced happy If you're
not volunteering We've talked about a lot on the podcast
(16:39):
can be an excellent way, and I know a lot
of organizations do things on Christmas like food giveaways or
feeding or cooking. Are there ways that you want to
get involved in your community that still allow you to
have some human connection? That maybe feels healthier for you
and feels more purposeful for you, more compassionate for you
than maybe systems that are not very very welcoming and
(17:02):
healthy for you. Looking at ways for you to redefine
connection and to have connection on your own terms for
the holiday season can be really really great. And if
you decide, you know what, this loneliness doesn't feel great,
but I'm also okay with it, then that's also okay. Right,
So I'm offering suggestions for people who are wanting to
(17:22):
connect and maybe ways that are different. But if you
actually are not interested in connecting and would really just
like to spend this time unplugged, doing your own thing,
catching up on movies, you know, doing whatever, doing some crafts,
however you choose to spend this time, that is also okay.
What I'm really wanting to do is just give you
permission to lean into however it is that you're feeling,
(17:44):
without this expectation that you should be feeling any kind
of way that you might not be this year. So
as we wrap up, I just want to offer a
couple of affirmations, a couple of things that you may
want to take to your journal to help you to
can you to navigate this season. So one, loneliness does
not mean failure or being unlovable. It does not at
(18:08):
all decide those things. Being alone is not the same
as being abandoned. So you may be alone for the holidays,
but you are not abandoned. There are people who love
you and care about you. The season is temporary, even
if it feels like it's endless and really really difficult
right now. You are allowed to opt out of traditions
(18:31):
that don't serve you, even if you've been doing them
for a very long time. And finally, as I've mentioned before,
the goal for this season can actually just be survival
in getting through it. It does not have to be
happiness and joy. So if you are somebody who's experiencing
loneliness right now or feeling like I'm just not in
(18:53):
the holiday spirit, I'd love for you to share with
us in the comments section or on threads how you're
actually planning to navigate this season and maybe what kinds
of things have been helpful for you as you prepare
to navigate the holiday season. I do hope that some
of what I've offered has been helpful for you. Again,
the goal of the podcast is always to give you
(19:14):
a space to kind of feel all of your feelings
and to talk about some things that maybe we are
not talking about in other places, and for you to
know that you are okay and that you are not
alone in any single thing that you are ever feeling.
If you feel like this episode has been helpful for you,
I would love for you to share with another sister
who you think might benefit. And if you need additional support,
(19:35):
please make sure that you check out our therapist directory
where you can connect with a therapist in your area
who can offer you some additional support. And remember, however
this season looks for you, you deserve love and care,
especially from yourself. Don't forget to follow us over on
Instagram at Therapy for Black Girls. And if you want
(19:57):
to have more conversations like this and join a very
active community of other sisters, come on over and join
us in our patreon at community dot Therapy for Blackgirls
dot com. This episode was produced by A. Lisa Ellis
Indijubu and Tyrie Rush. Editing was done by Dennison Bradford.
Thank y'all so much for joining me again this week.
(20:19):
I look forward to continuing this conversation with you all
real soon. Take good care
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
The Bobby Bones Show
Listen to 'The Bobby Bones Show' by downloading the daily full replay.