September 2, 2024 • 41 mins
Gary Tanguay filled in on NightSide:
You may be surprised that you are! We all want our kids to grow up comfortable and safe, but those actions can lead to anxiety and stress in our children. Licensed Professional Counselor Michelle Dean chatted with Gary about what exactly constitutes "overparenting."
You may be surprised that you are! We all want our kids to grow up comfortable and safe, but those actions can lead to anxiety and stress in our children. Licensed Professional Counselor Michelle Dean chatted with Gary about what exactly constitutes "overparenting."
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:01):
It's Night Side with Dan Ray on WBZ Boston's news radio.
Speaker 2 (00:08):
Dad is off this Greek Gary tangway back in along
with you here on WBZ Boston's news radio. We got
a great ChIL lined up for you tonight here on
night Side. We're gonna touch all the bases, touch all
the basis, parenting, politics, comedy, television, attitudes, you name it,
(00:29):
We've got you covered here on WBC. Coming up on
the show tonight, and our first guest we're going to
join momentarily over parenting. I'm really hot on this ship.
I am really This is a thing near and dear
to my heart, probably because I've been guilty of it
from time to time, but I think it's really it
is the problem for our young people. And also, you know,
(00:49):
Kamala Harris is running for president. Everybody points out how
bad she's been as a vice president, but somebody's been
a bad vice president. No one knows, come on, they're
a figurehead. We don't know. She made a poor campaign originally,
but there are instances where we have had people become
presidents who have surprised us. Harry Truman, for one, did
(01:13):
anybody know Barack Obama would be as successful as he
was Bill Clinton. My wife said, oh, I knew Bill
Clinton was going to be a great president. I said, no,
you did, not, nat She said, yes I did, And
I said, yes, none. You're right. So we'll talk to
Alan Lickman, who's been a guest on the show before,
professor of history from American University, on that The Righteous
(01:34):
gem Stones, one of the great comedies on television. We'll
go into the writer's room coming up at nine o'clock
on that. So that's all coming up here on WBC.
But first up, since kids are going back to college,
and if you were driving around Boston this weekend, the
students were back. Yep, we saw it. Cars, trucks, U
(01:56):
haul trucks, mattresses on top of the car. It doesn't change.
It's the same old thing. Nervous parents dropping off freshman
at BU or bcor U, Mass or Brandee or wherever.
It's the same thing every year. Then you see the
seniors they come waltzing in, they have their own cars,
they drive in, they've got it all figured out. They're
(02:16):
ready to go. And joining us right now is professional
counselor Michelle Dean, and we are going to talk about overparenting,
and you know, Michelle, I have real First of all,
thank you for joining us here on the night side.
Speaker 3 (02:29):
Thanks Arry for telling me.
Speaker 2 (02:31):
Okay, I can tell you that when it comes to
the college scene, that's where I see the overparenting really
out of control, probably because that's what's been going on
in my house lately, right I mean, I have a
twenty two year old who just graduated from college, I
have a nineteen year old who I just talked to
on the phone who's at college, and I have a
(02:52):
thirteen year old who's in eighth grade. So I've got
a little bit of a break there. But do you
feel that that's the case or is that just because
that's the world I'm in right now?
Speaker 3 (03:05):
Could be just the world you're in right now, but
also could also be the case. I've seen a lot
with the kids that i've worked with college age, even
like high school. It really depends on the parents sometimes
that they are helping them a little bit more in
(03:25):
times of transition. But then on the other side, you
see parents who really haven't been there supporting their kids.
Speaker 2 (03:35):
Do you think it's economic, because when I see what
I see is I see single income households where one
partner does not have to work. And I'm not going
to be sexist enough to say that it's always the mom,
because I'm the stay at home dad that comes in
(03:55):
and plays ready at night from time to time. Okay,
So do you think it's parents who have too much
time on their hands. They're economically fortunate, they were successful themselves,
and they have the time to drive their kid crazy
(04:15):
when it comes to getting into college.
Speaker 3 (04:19):
Yeah. I think that's a really good point that sometimes, yeah,
this is the case. You're even seeing now where parents
will hire a kind of like the coach, like a
college coach that helps them.
Speaker 2 (04:34):
Director, Michelle, I got to stop you. It is it
is assumed. It is assumed. I cannot tell you what
we paid for it. And Michelle, Oh, oh my god. Yeah, listen, Michelle,
can we talk? Can we talk here? Michelle?
Speaker 3 (04:49):
Yeah, Okay.
Speaker 2 (04:50):
Now, I went to the University of Maine and I
wanted and I come from a small town in Maine,
and I wanted to go to Emerson. Interestingly enough, I've
been teaching there lately, which is great. I wanted to
go to Emerson. I want to go to bu It
just wasn't gonna happen for a lot of reasons. So
I went to the University of Maine and I had
two colleges. I had the University of Southern Maine and
(05:12):
University of me My daughter had like twelve. I mean,
are are admission fees? Not even in mission fees, application fees.
It was a mortgage payment, so freaking more, it was
a freaking mortgage payment. And then and then I said,
we have to hire a consultant. And here's the thing
(05:35):
that scares me about the college system right now, and
I'm gonna get off on it. You probably have experienced
with this is it's all about playing games. We were
at a Labor Day function today Labor Day, you know,
barbecue type thing in a pool, and one of the
parents said, well, uh, because in the town I live
(05:55):
in in Massachusetts, there's a lot of kids that go
to one particular school and that particular school is the
University of South Carolina. And the discussion was, well, you know,
he or she should not apply to the University of
South Carolina because they already have too many kids from
this town there. And that's that's how involved parents have
(06:15):
become with these counselors, where I know we had a
consultant for our daughter that and for our son that said, well,
if you apply to this school, they like kids from
the Northeast, or they like kids from the market backgrounds,
or they like kids from certain ethnic backgrounds, or you
have to check certain boxes. Like it's crazy, it's crazy,
(06:40):
And then that drives the parents crazy.
Speaker 3 (06:44):
Well it starts even younger now too, with how much
the schools are pushing the kids to the side, you know,
even what track they want to do right and that depends,
you know on then that's what track they go to
high school and they're not equipped to know what they
want to do right now.
Speaker 2 (07:02):
It drives me crazy.
Speaker 3 (07:03):
Almost yeah, I think schools would almost be would be
a lot better off preparing them, to help them apply
for schools and help them, you know, get jobs resumes.
I wonder if some of that comes from the schools
also pushing college and deciding what you're going to do
(07:26):
so early on.
Speaker 2 (07:28):
Well, I mean, look, like I said, I teach at Emerson.
I think it's a great school. I think the kids
that go to Emerson it's a very specialized school. They
know what they want to do. But I will tell
you that post secondary education is a huge business, and
the prices have to come down. I mean, I mean
that's another topic. I mean, you know what Syracuse is
ninety grand. I mean, it's crazy. People can't afford it.
I mean, it's just it's out of control. This is
(07:50):
no way right. And then when you get out of school,
if you have loans, if you're not fortunate enough to
have your parents pay for them, then you've got to
figure out how am I going to pay all this back?
And that's another thing. Parents look at the investment and
when they look at the situation for college. Excuse me,
is that they go, look, I'm paying four hundred grand.
(08:11):
I want to be involved. And when they're too involved,
that just screws up the kid. Yeah, go ahead, I'm sorry, Oh,
go go for it.
Speaker 3 (08:20):
I was going to say, I see a lot where
there's a delay in the ability to want to take
responsibility for making a decision, where kids like are coming
in and saying, now, will my parents have helped me
make a decision on what career, what path I should take? Now?
(08:41):
I'm not happy. Now I don't know what to do
three four years and I don't know who I am,
which age appropriately, Yeah, that makes sense. Of them not
really understanding who they are, what they value. But if
their parents aren't helping them really figure out those things
and saying asking them questions, helping them with credible thinking,
(09:02):
what's the point in helping them with their resume or
helping them get into college if they can't get them
to think for themselves.
Speaker 2 (09:13):
Michelle, you and I are on the same page. And
I'm going to tell you something else that really pisses
me off, and that's coming up next. Michelle Dean joins us.
We're talking about how we pairent our kids. We need
to chill out more coming up on WBZ.
Speaker 1 (09:28):
Now back to Dan Ray Live from the Window World
Night Side Studios on WBZ News Radio.
Speaker 2 (09:36):
Parents, How we screw up? That's the topic here. Gary
Tangley a night side for thinking for Dan. Who's off
this week so you get you know who for the
next five days. Our friend Michelle Dean joins us, she's
a professional counselor deals with this sort of thing. Sorry,
had to clear the throat there, Okay, Michelle, what I
was telling you before the break what really pisses me off?
(09:57):
And I've seen parents do it, and I keep my
mouth shut because it's none of my business and it's
not my kid, but they'll go, you know, there's a
real opportunity in this field, or there's a real opportunity
doing that. For example, I had a conversation the other
day with this gentleman who's in his seventies who's retired
now made a ton of money, very Wealthy's fine, he
was a dentist, worked all the time, and he did
(10:22):
very well. But I remember, you know, I've had a
number of people that are dentists and lawyers that have
told me their parents directed them into that field. I
know one lawyer who's happy to be a lawyer one
and I know like thirty of them. And dental school.
The same thing, like my father in law who said, yeah,
(10:43):
you know, I was either going to go to law
school to dentist school, you know, because my parents thought
that was like the right thing to do. And does
that And that still happens in my household. And I
don't know. Maybe my kids will be broke, who knows,
but they're going to be happy. I said, you got
to follow your passion. My dad worked in a mill
for thirty five years in Rumford, Maine. Those days are over,
it's not happening. No one works for one company now
(11:06):
for longer than five years. There's no more gold Watch.
So like, telling a kid what they should do for
a living, to me, is a license for disaster for
the kid.
Speaker 3 (11:19):
Yeah, I definitely agree with you there. If you're not
letting your kid make their own decisions and giving them
a safe place to fall when they do make their
wrong decision and learn how to pick themselves back up,
you're really that's going to be detrimental to the kid's
success to be able to figure out things on their own.
Speaker 2 (11:39):
So, I mean, so, why is that? Why do you
think a parent does.
Speaker 3 (11:43):
That anxiety fear that their kid isn't going to make
the right decision. Maybe they don't trust their kids, maybe
their kid has trouble making decisions. I think there could
be so many circumstances where a parent makes a decision
to push their kids a certain way. Maybe they didn't
(12:05):
have someone like that, so then they're overcompensating the other way.
And I think that it's it's really important for parents
to be able to be aware that this is something
that is happening and that's happened in the past. I'm
not saying you know, my parents were perfect, but they
(12:28):
sure wanted me to do what I wanted to do.
Didn't talk to me about Okay, well, this career is
got you know, you're gonna make this much, this much
and this mchards. What are you interested in? And it's
okay if it's not being a doctor. My dad comes
from a uh the five siblings all doctors. It's a philosophy.
(12:51):
The lawyer, and he his advice would have been to me,
don't go to med school. But I think really honing
in on well, what you want them to be able
to make the mistakes while they're at home, but when
they're off from college or where there's a lot harder
(13:14):
place to fall, not home.
Speaker 2 (13:17):
I think people are so hung up on image in
their own reputation amongst their friends or in their community,
that what their child does, they feel reflects on them.
That's what I think.
Speaker 3 (13:28):
Yeah, I think that's another really good point. There's so
many different ways that this could start happening within a family.
Speaker 2 (13:39):
So what is the what is the best way to
handle supporting a kid? Because I know this is a
big discussion, you know in our house. Now kids get
out of college, they may have huge debt the parents
have paid, so forth and so on. A lot of
(13:59):
the tree level jobs when you get out of school
do not pay great rents a high especially if you
live in a place like Boston or if you live
in New York. I don't know how they are down
in your area. I believe I think you're in Texas, correct,
that's correct? Yeah, you know, maybe Dallas and Houston probably
expensive expensive, Yeah, yeah, So I was reading that the
(14:22):
average parents spends fourteen hundred dollars a month supporting a
kid that's over eighteen. When do you when do you
cut off? When do you cut off the supply?
Speaker 3 (14:31):
I know I read the same thing so and I
related a lot to this too, because I didn't know
this going into graduate school, but become a counselor. Even
after I was I had graduated from graduate school, I
had to do three thousand hours worth of work in
(14:54):
no less than eighteen months. So being paid the lowest
as a they called a lot. Since professional counselor, it's
an associate now, but you're not fully licensed, so you
actually have to have a supervisor. That then mine was
during this whole time, and you have to meet one
hour per week and mine was one hundred dollars a week,
(15:18):
so four hundred dollars a month. I mean, that's a
lot of money. If my parents hadn't been able to
help me out with that, Like I'm getting paid the
lowest amount that I'm going to be paid, I had
to pay for that plus living expenses. I really don't
know how I would have done it. And I don't
know a lot of people that have been even in
(15:40):
my field, that didn't have somebody else that was supporting them,
whether it was a spouse or that they took out
more loans or that their parents helped them out. I
really think it depends on the kid, because for me,
I mean I went to my parents and said, this
is kind of the situation. Are my options? And my
(16:03):
parents said, okay, well we can help you out with
X amounts per month, which was my fees for my supervisor.
So I don't know how it is in every degree
path that you choose, but I know that there's a
lot of things that you're getting out. You're getting paid
(16:23):
the lowest amount you're going to be paid, and the
economy is not in a great position, So what does
your kid need? I think that it really depends on
the kid. It's a really fine line.
Speaker 2 (16:40):
Sy Yeah, and every every case is going to be different.
But but I do think that for a kid to say,
because let's face it, it's in some areas and maybe it's
just of course my world. But my parents did not
go to college, right, My parents did not. My mom
was nurse, my dad worked in the mill. I went
(17:02):
to college, My sister went to college. So we were
the first ones to go to school. But in a
lot of situations now it's just expected that you're going
to go to college, where I go, Wait a minute,
why Why If you take a look at the trade schools,
if you take a look at various occupations, whether it
be a one year program or a two year program,
you don't have the educational cost, you don't have the debt.
(17:23):
And I know that I can't screw in a light bulb,
but I do know that I pay a lot of
money to people that do. So what about this pressure
that parenting that you have to go to college. Now,
I'm not saying that you don't develop a skill or
a trade, because I do think it's very difficult to
make your way without some sort of skill or trade
(17:46):
or degree. For advancement. But why when did that happen?
You know when when it was? When was it a
sin not to go to a four year program as
opposed to taking a one year program in refrigeration?
Speaker 3 (18:03):
Right? I really don't know where when that started. I
do know that even for me there was there wasn't
a pressure like you had to go to school right then.
I think to have a plan is a good idea
to have. You know what you're going to look at,
whether that's a trade school, whether that's working, whether that's
going to college, whether that's going to a junior college.
(18:26):
I really don't know why some of those things are
ruled out because junior colleges are much less expensive too,
or going to a trade school much less expensive to
where you would be able to earn quite a good
living and then be able to take on more of
those extensives.
Speaker 2 (18:44):
Electricians and plumbers in my town are loaded. They're loaded,
they're loaded. What about after college? Now, and this part,
I couldn't believe you and I we were going over
some of the same material, right, A parent joining a
kid on a job interview? If first of all, first
(19:08):
of all, it would never happen to me. I mean
my parents wouldn't. I mean that wasn't My parents paid
for half of my college and then you know, helped
me with a car that cost six hundred bucks. It
was a Chauvette, and then you know we were off
and running. They did what they could. But I mean
my dad like showing up at a job interview or
my mom, you kid, if I showed up with my
kid at a job interview, they would never speak to
me again. What is it? People are crazy? Parents are
(19:30):
out of their minds.
Speaker 3 (19:32):
Yeah, I mean that one is definitely acrossing the line.
There's one thing, you know, a difference between looking over
your kid's resume versus showing up to a job interview.
Even when I was in high school, my parents would
have never shown up to a job interview, nor when
I have asked them to.
Speaker 2 (19:50):
It's crazy. I mean, I gave my this is my
wife will kill me, but she doesn't listen to me
so on the radio or at home. So it doesn't
matter with my daughter. She she's my wife is an
excellent writer. Excellent writer. And when my oldest was applying
for colleges or she'd have to write something, my wife
wouldn't help herself she would just jump in and fix
(20:12):
it and correct it, and I'd be like, Okay, but
I don't even know how important writing is anymore, which
that in itself is a crime, but that might be
a reality just the way technology is going, you know,
That's just the way it is. Michelle. I want to
keep you on if I could, If you could stand
by from one more break, because we've we've focused on
my life in the generation of my kids. I want
(20:33):
to get to the younger kids, and I'd like to
talk about that with you. Next right here on WBZ,
Gary Tangling for Dan Ray. This is night Side over.
Parenting as we go back to school is the topic.
We'll be right back.
Speaker 1 (20:48):
Night Side, was Dan Ray on WBZ Boston's news Radio.
Speaker 2 (20:53):
Okay, solving all the parenthal problems out there. Gary Tangler
hearing for Dan Ray on Nightside on WBZ News Radio.
Coming up at nine o'clock, we'll be talking about presidential history.
Of course, get into some Kamala Harris stuff with professor
of history at American University Alan Lickman. Presidents who had
thought were gonna be duds that turned out to be great.
(21:15):
That will be the topic of our conversation right here
on WBC. Now we're talking with Michelle Dean professional counselor,
and overparenting and the kids are back in school. Man,
we saw it. Everybody's back at BU and UMAs. And
also finally, I know, as parents that have kids at
home during the summer, the first day of school is
like a holiday. So we talked about the college and
(21:37):
the high school type of age. Michelle, Now let's get
to the younger stage. First of all, I had a
younger child that stayed home and was on Zoom during
the pandemic. I mean, it's going to take twenty years, right,
I mean for a generation not to be impacted by that,
because there's no doubt they were. There's no way they
(21:58):
couldn't have.
Speaker 1 (21:59):
Been, right.
Speaker 3 (22:02):
I think some of the scariest things I've seen is
how much anxiety these kids have, whether it's over help,
whether it's social, whether it's going back to school, or
even some of it's manifested into like specific phobias. There's
(22:22):
been a very big impact from even if they attended
school online, if they were doing a hybrid course, whether
they were just were in school yet. And we're younger
seeing it all over the place and.
Speaker 2 (22:43):
That's simply a result that there was a virus that
we thought was going to kill us all at the time.
I mean, at the time, we didn't know what we're
dealing with. Did I laugh at people who criticize how
Fauci and everyone handled it. Nobody knew what they were doing.
Nobody knew what was going on. I mean, come on,
and I mean a hindesdby in twenty twenty. You know,
I had friends of mine who their kids went to
(23:04):
private school. They went back earlier, and they did better.
I mean, they just did better because of the socialization.
I mean, what we learned from that was how vital
socialization is. So, if I'm hearing you right, because of
the lack of socialization, these kids have a lot of
problems with the anxiety because they don't go out, and
they don't they haven't had a chance to experience fear
(23:25):
and deal with fear or the unknown or making a
friend and so forth, and that continues to impact them.
That's what's causing the anxiety.
Speaker 3 (23:32):
Correct, That's correct. I mean a lot of it. Even
it kind of manifested from what they heard from others,
what they heard on the news. If they had somebody
that was close to them, like a grandparent or even
and uncle that died from it. Then there is this
fear from their life. Somebody sneezes and they sneed or costs.
(23:56):
They are going to worst case scenario.
Speaker 2 (24:00):
What is your advice? I should have even asked you.
I don't even know. Are you a parent?
Speaker 3 (24:05):
No, I'm not.
Speaker 2 (24:06):
Okay, that's fine, No, whatever, it doesn't matter. I'm not
one of those. I'm not one of those. Just you know,
I'm not going to get into the politics of this.
That was an attempted humor. But what do you think
at what point for young people like I always look
at you know, when you're five, six, seven years old,
(24:27):
in those younger stages, what mistakes? And when I say mistakes,
that's a little harsh. But what have we learned that
parents can do better with kids at that age or
maybe pre K years.
Speaker 3 (24:44):
It's I'm the kid. I think treating every kid as
an individual and attending to those individual needs and doing
the best you can. I think that they're with social media,
with the Internet, it has created this you have to
be this perfect parent and it looks like X y Z,
(25:06):
but that's not true. They don't give you a handbook
when you have a kid at the hospital and say
this is exactly how your parent, this kid, and even
two kids in a household were brought up in the
same way, only you're apart. Both have different needs and
being able to see that and recognize that you might
(25:29):
have to parent one kid a little bit different than
the other and that's okay.
Speaker 2 (25:33):
You know, I've had this discussion with friends of mine,
nature versus nurture. I don't know if you have an
opinion on this, but after having three kids, it's nature.
And in my house growing up, we would always say,
as I come from a small town in Maine, very provincial,
would say, oh, and you know, she's just like Uncle Jack,
or she's just like you know, Grandma or you know
(25:55):
Aunt Kim. They're not like my three kids are all different.
Just they're just all different. And I guess you could
say each one has traits of my wife or me,
but they're you know, they look like us kind of,
you know, they are, we look like a family, but
(26:17):
they're all different, you know, they just they just are
And you're right, they're just they're just all different in
that way. But you know, I I just remember as
a kid where it was okay to get dirty and
you know, you fell off your bike and you got
back up, and you know if you got hurt. I mean,
I'm not saying if you broke a limb, you don't
go to the hospital, but you know, grub some dirt
(26:38):
on it. As they say, that's another thing with parents now,
parents aren't is and I get this honor relaxed when
it comes to letting their kids play on supervise because
of various threats.
Speaker 3 (26:48):
Were I think there's a very fine line between what
we're calling right now over parenting versus active parenting, where
there's we're not saying don't don't be there for your kids, right,
just realize there's boundaries that your kid needs to learn,
and that, especially when they're younger, if you don't set
(27:09):
those boundaries for them, they don't learn how to set
them for themselves. And so asking you to even come
to an interview, uh or being okay with that is
a reflection on maybe the boundaries lot set early on.
Speaker 2 (27:26):
Oh, there's no question, there's no there's no doubt about it.
How do you feel because I've seen this a lot
about parents blaming the school system as opposed to blames
it tough for blaming the kid or have you know,
holding the kid responsible.
Speaker 3 (27:44):
Oh, I could get our whole other subjects about this one,
but I.
Speaker 2 (27:48):
Wish I had lead with that.
Speaker 3 (27:52):
Well, you know, schools also, there's been a lot of
rules taken our schools, and then kids also taught that
that they don't have to respect rules and that no
matter what they do, there's going to be the same
(28:13):
in results. Everyone wants boundaries and structure. You want them
to at some point fight against some of that structure,
but you want that to be in a healthy way.
You want them, you know, to question things and understand
(28:33):
how to deal with the consequences that their actions might have.
Speaker 2 (28:40):
Yeah. I just think that parents, at times, myself included,
are too concerned with being liked by their kid, so
they said, with their kid instead of the teacher.
Speaker 3 (28:49):
Right, It's very hard to walk the line of being
a costoup versus a friend, versus a parent versus a
teacher and really staying in that specific role that you're
kids need because.
Speaker 2 (29:03):
And again I'll go, oh, bastard. When I grew up,
I mean, it was the teacher's rule. There was no
I had. I did not have a case to make
you know, but it was her fault. It was missus
Canower's fault. My dad, No, it wasn't. I don't care.
It was not bottom line, you know. Now it's like
(29:23):
I'll go talk to the teacher and my kids misunderstood
and blah blah blah blah blah. I mean it's very
hard on teachers today. I think it's extremely difficult on
teachers because I think they get it from both sides.
And I think administrators are concerned too, because there's legal situations,
you know, be people are worried about getting sued or
getting in trouble with the school board or it's definitely
(29:46):
the teachers and the staffs. I don't think it enough support.
Everybody's trying to be pro kid too much. I don't
know if you've run into that at all. So when
in dealing with your situation, what would you say, is
the number one and cause for depression? I'll start that
first in our young people. Then the one cause for
anxiety or is the cause one and the same?
Speaker 3 (30:09):
I think they can be one and the same, they
can be different for different kids. Some of the depression
I see is it really is just genetic? And then
there's a lot of other things contributing to that. I
would say one of the biggest things, and the things
I continue to continue to be shocked about, is the
amount of bullying that there is in school and the
(30:32):
horrific things that kids say to each other. How much depression, anxiety,
avoidance of wanting to go to school that that creates
for younger kids, and it really has a big impact
on their self esteem and how they view themselves.
Speaker 2 (30:50):
That's so disappointing to hear that there's still a lot
of bullying. I mean, it's just it's such that's disappointing
with my kids. I'm worried about the online bullying I'm
early about. I'm worried about the Instagram where a young
person looks at somebody else's Instagram post and thinks, I'm
not as pretty as them, I'm not as athletic as them,
(31:11):
I'm not as good as them. That's the type of
bullying that I worry about. I thought that, and maybe
I'm just out of touch. I thought we were beyond
the actual bullying sort of thing. And sometimes I wonder
if you know, I would not condone fighting in school,
but sometimes you know, a kid needs to swing back
or something.
Speaker 3 (31:28):
You know.
Speaker 2 (31:28):
I think of like two fights when I got in
with guys. I know, one guy called my mom fat,
you know, and I got a fight with him and
then we got up, and you know, mister Wallace pulled
us apart and said, you know, go sit in the
corner for twenty minutes. And then it was fine. But
you know, you can't do that anymore.
Speaker 3 (31:45):
Right, Yeah, as the online is a whole nother just
monster in itself. The in person things they say, the
things they say online they get nasterer and aft here.
But even just the viewing of others and their highlight
reel on social media does have a really big impact
(32:06):
on kids. He is, they're comparing themselves, even if there's
no bullying taking place, They're comparing themselves to someone else's highlights,
not what the reality of their life is.
Speaker 2 (32:17):
So it's not so much physical bullying, it's it's the
online thing.
Speaker 3 (32:21):
I think it's both. I think that it's so really
present that we don't really realize how much. Because a
lot of these kids are coming in and saying the
kids said this to me, I'm like, wait, they said what?
And I keep being more and more surprised by what's
coming out some of the kids now, also what it's
being said online. I still think that the in person
(32:45):
is a really big problem.
Speaker 2 (32:46):
That is that. That's crushing to me. I thought I
was hoping when we would beyond that. I really did.
I mean, I I that's that's terrible. And thank you
very well. I appreciate you coming on and thank you
for addressing it. And the kids of fortunate to have
somebody like you to help them through that, because bullies
are just the worst. It's just it's just the worst.
(33:07):
And we all know a bullying you know, they have
anxiety too, and it's all their insecurity and so forth,
and they're trying to make themselves feel better. But it's
just it's hard when you have a kid that's on
the other end of it. Michelle, thank you very much
for joining us Likes Professional Counselor. We appreciate your time
in discussing overparenting and we wish you luck and down
(33:28):
the road, we'd love to have you on WBZ again.
Speaker 3 (33:31):
All Right, thank you so much. Gary, I appreciate you
having me on the show tonight.
Speaker 2 (33:34):
Okay, Michelle, good talk overparenting. We need to chill out.
Folks need to relax, especially when you get to the
college age. The bullying thing buns me out. I mean,
I was bullied, you know, I was. We all were.
But I thought that I really thought that that was
a thing of the past. The online stuff, I get.
(33:54):
The online stuff's brutal, it's it's brutal, But the physical
bullying in person, I think that was a thing anymore.
But what did I know? And Michelle sent me straight
and that's too bad. All right? Coming up at nine o'clock,
Alan Lickman from American University, he's going to join us.
And you've probably heard Alan before. He's had a lot
of success in predicting the presidential elections. Nine of the
(34:17):
last ten he has called. And the one that was
a miss was the Gore Bush one, and that's debatable.
We will talk to him about that, but I also
want to talk to him about presidents that we didn't think.
We're going to do a whole lot, like Kamala Harris.
If she wins, she may she may surprise us in
(34:40):
some ways. In some ways, Donald Trump surprised us good
and bad. But there are those who support Trump that
would say he was If you supported Donald Trump. I'm
not getting into I'm not doing that. I'm not doing
Trump bashing. I'm not doing harb doing that. I can't analize.
(35:01):
You want to vote for who you vote for. That's fine.
I'm not gonna swear you either way. But there was
someone that would say Trump surprised some people possibly. I mean,
the economy was good, right again, when it comes to
the well he now, I'm going down a rabbit hole.
The whole Corona thing, he said, some dumb things he did.
He can't argue with that. But who knows how she's
(35:26):
gonna be. She hasn't been if she wins. She doesn't
have a great track record, But there are successful presidents
who have been in the same situation. We're going to
talk about that coming up at nine o'clock right here
on WBZ. Coming up next, I went to the movies
and it wasn't good. I'll tell you what happened. Next
(35:47):
to wz's night.
Speaker 1 (35:48):
Said, Now back to Dan ray Mine from the Window
World night Side Studios on WBZ News.
Speaker 2 (35:55):
Radio, Gary tag Way for Dan Raates and I thank
you for jodingus. You're gonna do would be busies nightside
on Labor Day again Michelle Dideen joining us. We'd like
to thank her for her time talking about overparenting. And
I just think we need to chill out as parents.
You know, you need to let go a little bit.
I've got three. It's hard to do. I will be
(36:16):
honest with you. You know, I may you may or made.
I know. I did television for years. I got laid
off during the pandemic. I decided to become a stay
at home dad. I was a little overbearing. I was
a little neurotic, making sure the lunches were done, making
sure everything got handed in, the physical forms had to
be taken care of, the backpack had to be packed,
(36:37):
the homework had to be done. And my kids and
my wife said, you know, you gotta really relax. You
got to kind of chill out. You had. The biggest
problem that parents face, myself included, is allowing our kids
to fail because we think it's a reflection on us.
If my son or my daughter fails, it makes me
(36:58):
look bad that I'm a bad parent. That I didn't
teach him to be smart, I didn't teach him to
be athletic, I didn't teach him to do this, to
do that. It's a pout, and I have a cousin
of amount. I've had this debate with my kids. Aren't me?
Your kids aren't you? They're them, They're not they are
(37:18):
not Your kids are not you. Your child is their own
person period in the story. For some reason, when my
kids turned eighteen they went to college. I was able
to let go a little bit when my son. When
(37:40):
my son went off after eighteen, I was kind of like, dude,
there's nothing else I can do. I mean, you're on
your own. If you screw up, you screw up. And
he had his moments in high school believed me like
we all did you know. Same thing with my daughter,
I was like, it's kind of up to you, and
I do believe you have to follow your passion. Now
that made me. You're eating Ramen noodles for a while.
(38:04):
But money doesn't make you happy. It just doesn't. It doesn't.
It doesn't. It doesn't. It doesn't, it doesn't, it doesn't.
You know then, I guess if you want to live
a certain lifestyle, you have to live a certain lifestyle,
and therefore you have to do something for a living
that you don't really enjoy, but it ables you to
enjoy your lifestyle. Then that's up to you. But I've
(38:26):
told my kids there are no more thirty five year
gold Watches, there are no more forty year four oh
one k's that are going to get you a condo
in Boca. So do it up, do what you want
to do. Carpe DM I my poor wife. I love
to go to the movies. I love movies, as you know.
(38:49):
And we went and saw a Deadpool and Wolverine on Sunday.
I love those actors. I love the franchise. I love
the first Deadpool. I love it. It's so funny, it's
so good. I think Ryan Reynolds is so talented. I
got to see his wife's and movie Blake Lively. That's
that's very controversial too, which I don't really want to
get into because I'm not I'm not really an expert
(39:12):
in that area, but it's it's it's that's controversial. But
I love her as an actor, so i'd like I'd
like to see that as well. But she says, all right,
we'll go see you know, Wolverine and Deadpool. It was terrible.
It was terrible. It was terrible. Love you Jackman, love them,
love everybody in it, everybody in it was great love
the actors, terrible story. Too much inside baseball, too many
(39:37):
inside jokes, too many inside jokes, took you away from
the script, took you out of the moment. It took
you out of the moment when I'll never forget this.
Robert de Niro, al Pacino, all those guys, they didn't
(39:57):
want to do interviews, They did not want to be
in because it made it more difficult for them to
do their job and create the persona and make you
believe that it's not Bob de Niro, or it's not
Al Pacino. That well, it's the Godfather, you know, or
the Bronx Tale. Or Jimmy and Goodfellas. That's not Bob
(40:21):
de Niro, that's Jimmy and Goodfellas. Come on. But now
with YouTube, it almost seems with movies it's like the
behind the scenes, the bloopers, and the YouTube promos leading
up to it are more important than the movie itself.
That's what happened with Deadpool. At Deadpool and Wolverine, there
was so much publicity about you Jackman and Ryan Reynolds
(40:43):
and that their buddies and they love to give each
other crap on Twitter and so forth. And Sean Levy,
who was a great director, came on board. He was
going to direct this. They forgot what it's about, and
it's about creating a story. It's about creating a story
in a world that we want to believe exists. For
two hours and ten minutes, they kept taking us out
of the moment with jokes mentioning the actor's real name.
(41:08):
I mean, there's a there's a layer where the villain
lives and it's Paul Rudd's helmet, you know, from ant Man,
And even they didn't even have to say anything, just
we know it's ant Man's helmet, and they didn't even
have to mention Paul Rudd, but they did. I'm so
bummed out, so bummed out. Remember it's all about the story.
(41:29):
Folks coming up next, presidents who were great that we
thought were going to suck on WBZ.
It's Night Side with Dan Ray on WBZ Boston's news radio.
Speaker 2 (00:08):
Dad is off this Greek Gary tangway back in along
with you here on WBZ Boston's news radio. We got
a great ChIL lined up for you tonight here on
night Side. We're gonna touch all the bases, touch all
the basis, parenting, politics, comedy, television, attitudes, you name it,
(00:29):
We've got you covered here on WBC. Coming up on
the show tonight, and our first guest we're going to
join momentarily over parenting. I'm really hot on this ship.
I am really This is a thing near and dear
to my heart, probably because I've been guilty of it
from time to time, but I think it's really it
is the problem for our young people. And also, you know,
(00:49):
Kamala Harris is running for president. Everybody points out how
bad she's been as a vice president, but somebody's been
a bad vice president. No one knows, come on, they're
a figurehead. We don't know. She made a poor campaign originally,
but there are instances where we have had people become
presidents who have surprised us. Harry Truman, for one, did
(01:13):
anybody know Barack Obama would be as successful as he
was Bill Clinton. My wife said, oh, I knew Bill
Clinton was going to be a great president. I said, no,
you did, not, nat She said, yes I did, And
I said, yes, none. You're right. So we'll talk to
Alan Lickman, who's been a guest on the show before,
professor of history from American University, on that The Righteous
(01:34):
gem Stones, one of the great comedies on television. We'll
go into the writer's room coming up at nine o'clock
on that. So that's all coming up here on WBC.
But first up, since kids are going back to college,
and if you were driving around Boston this weekend, the
students were back. Yep, we saw it. Cars, trucks, U
(01:56):
haul trucks, mattresses on top of the car. It doesn't change.
It's the same old thing. Nervous parents dropping off freshman
at BU or bcor U, Mass or Brandee or wherever.
It's the same thing every year. Then you see the
seniors they come waltzing in, they have their own cars,
they drive in, they've got it all figured out. They're
(02:16):
ready to go. And joining us right now is professional
counselor Michelle Dean, and we are going to talk about overparenting,
and you know, Michelle, I have real First of all,
thank you for joining us here on the night side.
Speaker 3 (02:29):
Thanks Arry for telling me.
Speaker 2 (02:31):
Okay, I can tell you that when it comes to
the college scene, that's where I see the overparenting really
out of control, probably because that's what's been going on
in my house lately, right I mean, I have a
twenty two year old who just graduated from college, I
have a nineteen year old who I just talked to
on the phone who's at college, and I have a
(02:52):
thirteen year old who's in eighth grade. So I've got
a little bit of a break there. But do you
feel that that's the case or is that just because
that's the world I'm in right now?
Speaker 3 (03:05):
Could be just the world you're in right now, but
also could also be the case. I've seen a lot
with the kids that i've worked with college age, even
like high school. It really depends on the parents sometimes
that they are helping them a little bit more in
(03:25):
times of transition. But then on the other side, you
see parents who really haven't been there supporting their kids.
Speaker 2 (03:35):
Do you think it's economic, because when I see what
I see is I see single income households where one
partner does not have to work. And I'm not going
to be sexist enough to say that it's always the mom,
because I'm the stay at home dad that comes in
(03:55):
and plays ready at night from time to time. Okay,
So do you think it's parents who have too much
time on their hands. They're economically fortunate, they were successful themselves,
and they have the time to drive their kid crazy
(04:15):
when it comes to getting into college.
Speaker 3 (04:19):
Yeah. I think that's a really good point that sometimes, yeah,
this is the case. You're even seeing now where parents
will hire a kind of like the coach, like a
college coach that helps them.
Speaker 2 (04:34):
Director, Michelle, I got to stop you. It is it
is assumed. It is assumed. I cannot tell you what
we paid for it. And Michelle, Oh, oh my god. Yeah, listen, Michelle,
can we talk? Can we talk here? Michelle?
Speaker 3 (04:49):
Yeah, Okay.
Speaker 2 (04:50):
Now, I went to the University of Maine and I
wanted and I come from a small town in Maine,
and I wanted to go to Emerson. Interestingly enough, I've
been teaching there lately, which is great. I wanted to
go to Emerson. I want to go to bu It
just wasn't gonna happen for a lot of reasons. So
I went to the University of Maine and I had
two colleges. I had the University of Southern Maine and
(05:12):
University of me My daughter had like twelve. I mean,
are are admission fees? Not even in mission fees, application fees.
It was a mortgage payment, so freaking more, it was
a freaking mortgage payment. And then and then I said,
we have to hire a consultant. And here's the thing
(05:35):
that scares me about the college system right now, and
I'm gonna get off on it. You probably have experienced
with this is it's all about playing games. We were
at a Labor Day function today Labor Day, you know,
barbecue type thing in a pool, and one of the
parents said, well, uh, because in the town I live
(05:55):
in in Massachusetts, there's a lot of kids that go
to one particular school and that particular school is the
University of South Carolina. And the discussion was, well, you know,
he or she should not apply to the University of
South Carolina because they already have too many kids from
this town there. And that's that's how involved parents have
(06:15):
become with these counselors, where I know we had a
consultant for our daughter that and for our son that said, well,
if you apply to this school, they like kids from
the Northeast, or they like kids from the market backgrounds,
or they like kids from certain ethnic backgrounds, or you
have to check certain boxes. Like it's crazy, it's crazy,
(06:40):
And then that drives the parents crazy.
Speaker 3 (06:44):
Well it starts even younger now too, with how much
the schools are pushing the kids to the side, you know,
even what track they want to do right and that depends,
you know on then that's what track they go to
high school and they're not equipped to know what they
want to do right now.
Speaker 2 (07:02):
It drives me crazy.
Speaker 3 (07:03):
Almost yeah, I think schools would almost be would be
a lot better off preparing them, to help them apply
for schools and help them, you know, get jobs resumes.
I wonder if some of that comes from the schools
also pushing college and deciding what you're going to do
(07:26):
so early on.
Speaker 2 (07:28):
Well, I mean, look, like I said, I teach at Emerson.
I think it's a great school. I think the kids
that go to Emerson it's a very specialized school. They
know what they want to do. But I will tell
you that post secondary education is a huge business, and
the prices have to come down. I mean, I mean
that's another topic. I mean, you know what Syracuse is
ninety grand. I mean, it's crazy. People can't afford it.
I mean, it's just it's out of control. This is
(07:50):
no way right. And then when you get out of school,
if you have loans, if you're not fortunate enough to
have your parents pay for them, then you've got to
figure out how am I going to pay all this back?
And that's another thing. Parents look at the investment and
when they look at the situation for college. Excuse me,
is that they go, look, I'm paying four hundred grand.
(08:11):
I want to be involved. And when they're too involved,
that just screws up the kid. Yeah, go ahead, I'm sorry, Oh,
go go for it.
Speaker 3 (08:20):
I was going to say, I see a lot where
there's a delay in the ability to want to take
responsibility for making a decision, where kids like are coming
in and saying, now, will my parents have helped me
make a decision on what career, what path I should take? Now?
(08:41):
I'm not happy. Now I don't know what to do
three four years and I don't know who I am,
which age appropriately, Yeah, that makes sense. Of them not
really understanding who they are, what they value. But if
their parents aren't helping them really figure out those things
and saying asking them questions, helping them with credible thinking,
(09:02):
what's the point in helping them with their resume or
helping them get into college if they can't get them
to think for themselves.
Speaker 2 (09:13):
Michelle, you and I are on the same page. And
I'm going to tell you something else that really pisses
me off, and that's coming up next. Michelle Dean joins us.
We're talking about how we pairent our kids. We need
to chill out more coming up on WBZ.
Speaker 1 (09:28):
Now back to Dan Ray Live from the Window World
Night Side Studios on WBZ News Radio.
Speaker 2 (09:36):
Parents, How we screw up? That's the topic here. Gary
Tangley a night side for thinking for Dan. Who's off
this week so you get you know who for the
next five days. Our friend Michelle Dean joins us, she's
a professional counselor deals with this sort of thing. Sorry,
had to clear the throat there, Okay, Michelle, what I
was telling you before the break what really pisses me off?
(09:57):
And I've seen parents do it, and I keep my
mouth shut because it's none of my business and it's
not my kid, but they'll go, you know, there's a
real opportunity in this field, or there's a real opportunity
doing that. For example, I had a conversation the other
day with this gentleman who's in his seventies who's retired
now made a ton of money, very Wealthy's fine, he
was a dentist, worked all the time, and he did
(10:22):
very well. But I remember, you know, I've had a
number of people that are dentists and lawyers that have
told me their parents directed them into that field. I
know one lawyer who's happy to be a lawyer one
and I know like thirty of them. And dental school.
The same thing, like my father in law who said, yeah,
(10:43):
you know, I was either going to go to law
school to dentist school, you know, because my parents thought
that was like the right thing to do. And does
that And that still happens in my household. And I
don't know. Maybe my kids will be broke, who knows,
but they're going to be happy. I said, you got
to follow your passion. My dad worked in a mill
for thirty five years in Rumford, Maine. Those days are over,
it's not happening. No one works for one company now
(11:06):
for longer than five years. There's no more gold Watch.
So like, telling a kid what they should do for
a living, to me, is a license for disaster for
the kid.
Speaker 3 (11:19):
Yeah, I definitely agree with you there. If you're not
letting your kid make their own decisions and giving them
a safe place to fall when they do make their
wrong decision and learn how to pick themselves back up,
you're really that's going to be detrimental to the kid's
success to be able to figure out things on their own.
Speaker 2 (11:39):
So, I mean, so, why is that? Why do you
think a parent does.
Speaker 3 (11:43):
That anxiety fear that their kid isn't going to make
the right decision. Maybe they don't trust their kids, maybe
their kid has trouble making decisions. I think there could
be so many circumstances where a parent makes a decision
to push their kids a certain way. Maybe they didn't
(12:05):
have someone like that, so then they're overcompensating the other way.
And I think that it's it's really important for parents
to be able to be aware that this is something
that is happening and that's happened in the past. I'm
not saying you know, my parents were perfect, but they
(12:28):
sure wanted me to do what I wanted to do.
Didn't talk to me about Okay, well, this career is
got you know, you're gonna make this much, this much
and this mchards. What are you interested in? And it's
okay if it's not being a doctor. My dad comes
from a uh the five siblings all doctors. It's a philosophy.
(12:51):
The lawyer, and he his advice would have been to me,
don't go to med school. But I think really honing
in on well, what you want them to be able
to make the mistakes while they're at home, but when
they're off from college or where there's a lot harder
(13:14):
place to fall, not home.
Speaker 2 (13:17):
I think people are so hung up on image in
their own reputation amongst their friends or in their community,
that what their child does, they feel reflects on them.
That's what I think.
Speaker 3 (13:28):
Yeah, I think that's another really good point. There's so
many different ways that this could start happening within a family.
Speaker 2 (13:39):
So what is the what is the best way to
handle supporting a kid? Because I know this is a
big discussion, you know in our house. Now kids get
out of college, they may have huge debt the parents
have paid, so forth and so on. A lot of
(13:59):
the tree level jobs when you get out of school
do not pay great rents a high especially if you
live in a place like Boston or if you live
in New York. I don't know how they are down
in your area. I believe I think you're in Texas, correct,
that's correct? Yeah, you know, maybe Dallas and Houston probably
expensive expensive, Yeah, yeah, So I was reading that the
(14:22):
average parents spends fourteen hundred dollars a month supporting a
kid that's over eighteen. When do you when do you
cut off? When do you cut off the supply?
Speaker 3 (14:31):
I know I read the same thing so and I
related a lot to this too, because I didn't know
this going into graduate school, but become a counselor. Even
after I was I had graduated from graduate school, I
had to do three thousand hours worth of work in
(14:54):
no less than eighteen months. So being paid the lowest
as a they called a lot. Since professional counselor, it's
an associate now, but you're not fully licensed, so you
actually have to have a supervisor. That then mine was
during this whole time, and you have to meet one
hour per week and mine was one hundred dollars a week,
(15:18):
so four hundred dollars a month. I mean, that's a
lot of money. If my parents hadn't been able to
help me out with that, Like I'm getting paid the
lowest amount that I'm going to be paid, I had
to pay for that plus living expenses. I really don't
know how I would have done it. And I don't
know a lot of people that have been even in
(15:40):
my field, that didn't have somebody else that was supporting them,
whether it was a spouse or that they took out
more loans or that their parents helped them out. I
really think it depends on the kid, because for me,
I mean I went to my parents and said, this
is kind of the situation. Are my options? And my
(16:03):
parents said, okay, well we can help you out with
X amounts per month, which was my fees for my supervisor.
So I don't know how it is in every degree
path that you choose, but I know that there's a
lot of things that you're getting out. You're getting paid
(16:23):
the lowest amount you're going to be paid, and the
economy is not in a great position, So what does
your kid need? I think that it really depends on
the kid. It's a really fine line.
Speaker 2 (16:40):
Sy Yeah, and every every case is going to be different.
But but I do think that for a kid to say,
because let's face it, it's in some areas and maybe it's
just of course my world. But my parents did not
go to college, right, My parents did not. My mom
was nurse, my dad worked in the mill. I went
(17:02):
to college, My sister went to college. So we were
the first ones to go to school. But in a
lot of situations now it's just expected that you're going
to go to college, where I go, Wait a minute,
why Why If you take a look at the trade schools,
if you take a look at various occupations, whether it
be a one year program or a two year program,
you don't have the educational cost, you don't have the debt.
(17:23):
And I know that I can't screw in a light bulb,
but I do know that I pay a lot of
money to people that do. So what about this pressure
that parenting that you have to go to college. Now,
I'm not saying that you don't develop a skill or
a trade, because I do think it's very difficult to
make your way without some sort of skill or trade
(17:46):
or degree. For advancement. But why when did that happen?
You know when when it was? When was it a
sin not to go to a four year program as
opposed to taking a one year program in refrigeration?
Speaker 3 (18:03):
Right? I really don't know where when that started. I
do know that even for me there was there wasn't
a pressure like you had to go to school right then.
I think to have a plan is a good idea
to have. You know what you're going to look at,
whether that's a trade school, whether that's working, whether that's
going to college, whether that's going to a junior college.
(18:26):
I really don't know why some of those things are
ruled out because junior colleges are much less expensive too,
or going to a trade school much less expensive to
where you would be able to earn quite a good
living and then be able to take on more of
those extensives.
Speaker 2 (18:44):
Electricians and plumbers in my town are loaded. They're loaded,
they're loaded. What about after college? Now, and this part,
I couldn't believe you and I we were going over
some of the same material, right, A parent joining a
kid on a job interview? If first of all, first
(19:08):
of all, it would never happen to me. I mean
my parents wouldn't. I mean that wasn't My parents paid
for half of my college and then you know, helped
me with a car that cost six hundred bucks. It
was a Chauvette, and then you know we were off
and running. They did what they could. But I mean
my dad like showing up at a job interview or
my mom, you kid, if I showed up with my
kid at a job interview, they would never speak to
me again. What is it? People are crazy? Parents are
(19:30):
out of their minds.
Speaker 3 (19:32):
Yeah, I mean that one is definitely acrossing the line.
There's one thing, you know, a difference between looking over
your kid's resume versus showing up to a job interview.
Even when I was in high school, my parents would
have never shown up to a job interview, nor when
I have asked them to.
Speaker 2 (19:50):
It's crazy. I mean, I gave my this is my
wife will kill me, but she doesn't listen to me
so on the radio or at home. So it doesn't
matter with my daughter. She she's my wife is an
excellent writer. Excellent writer. And when my oldest was applying
for colleges or she'd have to write something, my wife
wouldn't help herself she would just jump in and fix
(20:12):
it and correct it, and I'd be like, Okay, but
I don't even know how important writing is anymore, which
that in itself is a crime, but that might be
a reality just the way technology is going, you know,
That's just the way it is. Michelle. I want to
keep you on if I could, If you could stand
by from one more break, because we've we've focused on
my life in the generation of my kids. I want
(20:33):
to get to the younger kids, and I'd like to
talk about that with you. Next right here on WBZ,
Gary Tangling for Dan Ray. This is night Side over.
Parenting as we go back to school is the topic.
We'll be right back.
Speaker 1 (20:48):
Night Side, was Dan Ray on WBZ Boston's news Radio.
Speaker 2 (20:53):
Okay, solving all the parenthal problems out there. Gary Tangler
hearing for Dan Ray on Nightside on WBZ News Radio.
Coming up at nine o'clock, we'll be talking about presidential history.
Of course, get into some Kamala Harris stuff with professor
of history at American University Alan Lickman. Presidents who had
thought were gonna be duds that turned out to be great.
(21:15):
That will be the topic of our conversation right here
on WBC. Now we're talking with Michelle Dean professional counselor,
and overparenting and the kids are back in school. Man,
we saw it. Everybody's back at BU and UMAs. And
also finally, I know, as parents that have kids at
home during the summer, the first day of school is
like a holiday. So we talked about the college and
(21:37):
the high school type of age. Michelle, Now let's get
to the younger stage. First of all, I had a
younger child that stayed home and was on Zoom during
the pandemic. I mean, it's going to take twenty years, right,
I mean for a generation not to be impacted by that,
because there's no doubt they were. There's no way they
(21:58):
couldn't have.
Speaker 1 (21:59):
Been, right.
Speaker 3 (22:02):
I think some of the scariest things I've seen is
how much anxiety these kids have, whether it's over help,
whether it's social, whether it's going back to school, or
even some of it's manifested into like specific phobias. There's
(22:22):
been a very big impact from even if they attended
school online, if they were doing a hybrid course, whether
they were just were in school yet. And we're younger
seeing it all over the place and.
Speaker 2 (22:43):
That's simply a result that there was a virus that
we thought was going to kill us all at the time.
I mean, at the time, we didn't know what we're
dealing with. Did I laugh at people who criticize how
Fauci and everyone handled it. Nobody knew what they were doing.
Nobody knew what was going on. I mean, come on,
and I mean a hindesdby in twenty twenty. You know,
I had friends of mine who their kids went to
(23:04):
private school. They went back earlier, and they did better.
I mean, they just did better because of the socialization.
I mean, what we learned from that was how vital
socialization is. So, if I'm hearing you right, because of
the lack of socialization, these kids have a lot of
problems with the anxiety because they don't go out, and
they don't they haven't had a chance to experience fear
(23:25):
and deal with fear or the unknown or making a
friend and so forth, and that continues to impact them.
That's what's causing the anxiety.
Speaker 3 (23:32):
Correct, That's correct. I mean a lot of it. Even
it kind of manifested from what they heard from others,
what they heard on the news. If they had somebody
that was close to them, like a grandparent or even
and uncle that died from it. Then there is this
fear from their life. Somebody sneezes and they sneed or costs.
(23:56):
They are going to worst case scenario.
Speaker 2 (24:00):
What is your advice? I should have even asked you.
I don't even know. Are you a parent?
Speaker 3 (24:05):
No, I'm not.
Speaker 2 (24:06):
Okay, that's fine, No, whatever, it doesn't matter. I'm not
one of those. I'm not one of those. Just you know,
I'm not going to get into the politics of this.
That was an attempted humor. But what do you think
at what point for young people like I always look
at you know, when you're five, six, seven years old,
(24:27):
in those younger stages, what mistakes? And when I say mistakes,
that's a little harsh. But what have we learned that
parents can do better with kids at that age or
maybe pre K years.
Speaker 3 (24:44):
It's I'm the kid. I think treating every kid as
an individual and attending to those individual needs and doing
the best you can. I think that they're with social media,
with the Internet, it has created this you have to
be this perfect parent and it looks like X y Z,
(25:06):
but that's not true. They don't give you a handbook
when you have a kid at the hospital and say
this is exactly how your parent, this kid, and even
two kids in a household were brought up in the
same way, only you're apart. Both have different needs and
being able to see that and recognize that you might
(25:29):
have to parent one kid a little bit different than
the other and that's okay.
Speaker 2 (25:33):
You know, I've had this discussion with friends of mine,
nature versus nurture. I don't know if you have an
opinion on this, but after having three kids, it's nature.
And in my house growing up, we would always say,
as I come from a small town in Maine, very provincial,
would say, oh, and you know, she's just like Uncle Jack,
or she's just like you know, Grandma or you know
(25:55):
Aunt Kim. They're not like my three kids are all different.
Just they're just all different. And I guess you could
say each one has traits of my wife or me,
but they're you know, they look like us kind of,
you know, they are, we look like a family, but
(26:17):
they're all different, you know, they just they just are
And you're right, they're just they're just all different in
that way. But you know, I I just remember as
a kid where it was okay to get dirty and
you know, you fell off your bike and you got
back up, and you know if you got hurt. I mean,
I'm not saying if you broke a limb, you don't
go to the hospital, but you know, grub some dirt
(26:38):
on it. As they say, that's another thing with parents now,
parents aren't is and I get this honor relaxed when
it comes to letting their kids play on supervise because
of various threats.
Speaker 3 (26:48):
Were I think there's a very fine line between what
we're calling right now over parenting versus active parenting, where
there's we're not saying don't don't be there for your kids, right,
just realize there's boundaries that your kid needs to learn,
and that, especially when they're younger, if you don't set
(27:09):
those boundaries for them, they don't learn how to set
them for themselves. And so asking you to even come
to an interview, uh or being okay with that is
a reflection on maybe the boundaries lot set early on.
Speaker 2 (27:26):
Oh, there's no question, there's no there's no doubt about it.
How do you feel because I've seen this a lot
about parents blaming the school system as opposed to blames
it tough for blaming the kid or have you know,
holding the kid responsible.
Speaker 3 (27:44):
Oh, I could get our whole other subjects about this one,
but I.
Speaker 2 (27:48):
Wish I had lead with that.
Speaker 3 (27:52):
Well, you know, schools also, there's been a lot of
rules taken our schools, and then kids also taught that
that they don't have to respect rules and that no
matter what they do, there's going to be the same
(28:13):
in results. Everyone wants boundaries and structure. You want them
to at some point fight against some of that structure,
but you want that to be in a healthy way.
You want them, you know, to question things and understand
(28:33):
how to deal with the consequences that their actions might have.
Speaker 2 (28:40):
Yeah. I just think that parents, at times, myself included,
are too concerned with being liked by their kid, so
they said, with their kid instead of the teacher.
Speaker 3 (28:49):
Right, It's very hard to walk the line of being
a costoup versus a friend, versus a parent versus a
teacher and really staying in that specific role that you're
kids need because.
Speaker 2 (29:03):
And again I'll go, oh, bastard. When I grew up,
I mean, it was the teacher's rule. There was no
I had. I did not have a case to make
you know, but it was her fault. It was missus
Canower's fault. My dad, No, it wasn't. I don't care.
It was not bottom line, you know. Now it's like
(29:23):
I'll go talk to the teacher and my kids misunderstood
and blah blah blah blah blah. I mean it's very
hard on teachers today. I think it's extremely difficult on
teachers because I think they get it from both sides.
And I think administrators are concerned too, because there's legal situations,
you know, be people are worried about getting sued or
getting in trouble with the school board or it's definitely
(29:46):
the teachers and the staffs. I don't think it enough support.
Everybody's trying to be pro kid too much. I don't
know if you've run into that at all. So when
in dealing with your situation, what would you say, is
the number one and cause for depression? I'll start that
first in our young people. Then the one cause for
anxiety or is the cause one and the same?
Speaker 3 (30:09):
I think they can be one and the same, they
can be different for different kids. Some of the depression
I see is it really is just genetic? And then
there's a lot of other things contributing to that. I
would say one of the biggest things, and the things
I continue to continue to be shocked about, is the
amount of bullying that there is in school and the
(30:32):
horrific things that kids say to each other. How much depression, anxiety,
avoidance of wanting to go to school that that creates
for younger kids, and it really has a big impact
on their self esteem and how they view themselves.
Speaker 2 (30:50):
That's so disappointing to hear that there's still a lot
of bullying. I mean, it's just it's such that's disappointing
with my kids. I'm worried about the online bullying I'm
early about. I'm worried about the Instagram where a young
person looks at somebody else's Instagram post and thinks, I'm
not as pretty as them, I'm not as athletic as them,
(31:11):
I'm not as good as them. That's the type of
bullying that I worry about. I thought that, and maybe
I'm just out of touch. I thought we were beyond
the actual bullying sort of thing. And sometimes I wonder
if you know, I would not condone fighting in school,
but sometimes you know, a kid needs to swing back
or something.
Speaker 3 (31:28):
You know.
Speaker 2 (31:28):
I think of like two fights when I got in
with guys. I know, one guy called my mom fat,
you know, and I got a fight with him and
then we got up, and you know, mister Wallace pulled
us apart and said, you know, go sit in the
corner for twenty minutes. And then it was fine. But
you know, you can't do that anymore.
Speaker 3 (31:45):
Right, Yeah, as the online is a whole nother just
monster in itself. The in person things they say, the
things they say online they get nasterer and aft here.
But even just the viewing of others and their highlight
reel on social media does have a really big impact
(32:06):
on kids. He is, they're comparing themselves, even if there's
no bullying taking place, They're comparing themselves to someone else's highlights,
not what the reality of their life is.
Speaker 2 (32:17):
So it's not so much physical bullying, it's it's the
online thing.
Speaker 3 (32:21):
I think it's both. I think that it's so really
present that we don't really realize how much. Because a
lot of these kids are coming in and saying the
kids said this to me, I'm like, wait, they said what?
And I keep being more and more surprised by what's
coming out some of the kids now, also what it's
being said online. I still think that the in person
(32:45):
is a really big problem.
Speaker 2 (32:46):
That is that. That's crushing to me. I thought I
was hoping when we would beyond that. I really did.
I mean, I I that's that's terrible. And thank you
very well. I appreciate you coming on and thank you
for addressing it. And the kids of fortunate to have
somebody like you to help them through that, because bullies
are just the worst. It's just it's just the worst.
(33:07):
And we all know a bullying you know, they have
anxiety too, and it's all their insecurity and so forth,
and they're trying to make themselves feel better. But it's
just it's hard when you have a kid that's on
the other end of it. Michelle, thank you very much
for joining us Likes Professional Counselor. We appreciate your time
in discussing overparenting and we wish you luck and down
(33:28):
the road, we'd love to have you on WBZ again.
Speaker 3 (33:31):
All Right, thank you so much. Gary, I appreciate you
having me on the show tonight.
Speaker 2 (33:34):
Okay, Michelle, good talk overparenting. We need to chill out.
Folks need to relax, especially when you get to the
college age. The bullying thing buns me out. I mean,
I was bullied, you know, I was. We all were.
But I thought that I really thought that that was
a thing of the past. The online stuff, I get.
(33:54):
The online stuff's brutal, it's it's brutal, But the physical
bullying in person, I think that was a thing anymore.
But what did I know? And Michelle sent me straight
and that's too bad. All right? Coming up at nine o'clock,
Alan Lickman from American University, he's going to join us.
And you've probably heard Alan before. He's had a lot
of success in predicting the presidential elections. Nine of the
(34:17):
last ten he has called. And the one that was
a miss was the Gore Bush one, and that's debatable.
We will talk to him about that, but I also
want to talk to him about presidents that we didn't think.
We're going to do a whole lot, like Kamala Harris.
If she wins, she may she may surprise us in
(34:40):
some ways. In some ways, Donald Trump surprised us good
and bad. But there are those who support Trump that
would say he was If you supported Donald Trump. I'm
not getting into I'm not doing that. I'm not doing
Trump bashing. I'm not doing harb doing that. I can't analize.
(35:01):
You want to vote for who you vote for. That's fine.
I'm not gonna swear you either way. But there was
someone that would say Trump surprised some people possibly. I mean,
the economy was good, right again, when it comes to
the well he now, I'm going down a rabbit hole.
The whole Corona thing, he said, some dumb things he did.
He can't argue with that. But who knows how she's
(35:26):
gonna be. She hasn't been if she wins. She doesn't
have a great track record, But there are successful presidents
who have been in the same situation. We're going to
talk about that coming up at nine o'clock right here
on WBZ. Coming up next, I went to the movies
and it wasn't good. I'll tell you what happened. Next
(35:47):
to wz's night.
Speaker 1 (35:48):
Said, Now back to Dan ray Mine from the Window
World night Side Studios on WBZ News.
Speaker 2 (35:55):
Radio, Gary tag Way for Dan Raates and I thank
you for jodingus. You're gonna do would be busies nightside
on Labor Day again Michelle Dideen joining us. We'd like
to thank her for her time talking about overparenting. And
I just think we need to chill out as parents.
You know, you need to let go a little bit.
I've got three. It's hard to do. I will be
(36:16):
honest with you. You know, I may you may or made.
I know. I did television for years. I got laid
off during the pandemic. I decided to become a stay
at home dad. I was a little overbearing. I was
a little neurotic, making sure the lunches were done, making
sure everything got handed in, the physical forms had to
be taken care of, the backpack had to be packed,
(36:37):
the homework had to be done. And my kids and
my wife said, you know, you gotta really relax. You
got to kind of chill out. You had. The biggest
problem that parents face, myself included, is allowing our kids
to fail because we think it's a reflection on us.
If my son or my daughter fails, it makes me
(36:58):
look bad that I'm a bad parent. That I didn't
teach him to be smart, I didn't teach him to
be athletic, I didn't teach him to do this, to
do that. It's a pout, and I have a cousin
of amount. I've had this debate with my kids. Aren't me?
Your kids aren't you? They're them, They're not they are
(37:18):
not Your kids are not you. Your child is their own
person period in the story. For some reason, when my
kids turned eighteen they went to college. I was able
to let go a little bit when my son. When
(37:40):
my son went off after eighteen, I was kind of like, dude,
there's nothing else I can do. I mean, you're on
your own. If you screw up, you screw up. And
he had his moments in high school believed me like
we all did you know. Same thing with my daughter,
I was like, it's kind of up to you, and
I do believe you have to follow your passion. Now
that made me. You're eating Ramen noodles for a while.
(38:04):
But money doesn't make you happy. It just doesn't. It doesn't.
It doesn't. It doesn't. It doesn't, it doesn't, it doesn't.
You know then, I guess if you want to live
a certain lifestyle, you have to live a certain lifestyle,
and therefore you have to do something for a living
that you don't really enjoy, but it ables you to
enjoy your lifestyle. Then that's up to you. But I've
(38:26):
told my kids there are no more thirty five year
gold Watches, there are no more forty year four oh
one k's that are going to get you a condo
in Boca. So do it up, do what you want
to do. Carpe DM I my poor wife. I love
to go to the movies. I love movies, as you know.
(38:49):
And we went and saw a Deadpool and Wolverine on Sunday.
I love those actors. I love the franchise. I love
the first Deadpool. I love it. It's so funny, it's
so good. I think Ryan Reynolds is so talented. I
got to see his wife's and movie Blake Lively. That's
that's very controversial too, which I don't really want to
get into because I'm not I'm not really an expert
(39:12):
in that area, but it's it's it's that's controversial. But
I love her as an actor, so i'd like I'd
like to see that as well. But she says, all right,
we'll go see you know, Wolverine and Deadpool. It was terrible.
It was terrible. It was terrible. Love you Jackman, love them,
love everybody in it, everybody in it was great love
the actors, terrible story. Too much inside baseball, too many
(39:37):
inside jokes, too many inside jokes, took you away from
the script, took you out of the moment. It took
you out of the moment when I'll never forget this.
Robert de Niro, al Pacino, all those guys, they didn't
(39:57):
want to do interviews, They did not want to be
in because it made it more difficult for them to
do their job and create the persona and make you
believe that it's not Bob de Niro, or it's not
Al Pacino. That well, it's the Godfather, you know, or
the Bronx Tale. Or Jimmy and Goodfellas. That's not Bob
(40:21):
de Niro, that's Jimmy and Goodfellas. Come on. But now
with YouTube, it almost seems with movies it's like the
behind the scenes, the bloopers, and the YouTube promos leading
up to it are more important than the movie itself.
That's what happened with Deadpool. At Deadpool and Wolverine, there
was so much publicity about you Jackman and Ryan Reynolds
(40:43):
and that their buddies and they love to give each
other crap on Twitter and so forth. And Sean Levy,
who was a great director, came on board. He was
going to direct this. They forgot what it's about, and
it's about creating a story. It's about creating a story
in a world that we want to believe exists. For
two hours and ten minutes, they kept taking us out
of the moment with jokes mentioning the actor's real name.
(41:08):
I mean, there's a there's a layer where the villain
lives and it's Paul Rudd's helmet, you know, from ant Man,
And even they didn't even have to say anything, just
we know it's ant Man's helmet, and they didn't even
have to mention Paul Rudd, but they did. I'm so
bummed out, so bummed out. Remember it's all about the story.
(41:29):
Folks coming up next, presidents who were great that we
thought were going to suck on WBZ.
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