January 31, 2025 • 40 mins
Valentine’s Day is merely a couple of weeks away. It’s a time, many reflect on their own romantic relationships. Are there areas of your relationship you are looking to improve upon? Carolyn Sharp is a licensed couples therapist who joined us to answer your questions and help you achieve a happy and healthy relationship!
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
It's nice with Dan Ray. I'm telling you easy Boston
New Radio.
Speaker 2 (00:07):
Welcome back everybody, Thanks very much. Elle. It is now
at the ten o'clock hour, and we have only a
couple of hours left in January, which makes me very
happy to be really honest with it, besides the fact
that today is a Friday, It's January thirty first, and
next hour we'll go and talk about being happy when
January is over. We do a twenty eighth our other week,
(00:29):
and we always try to pick a subject that people
might find different. Although we do brushes with celebrity two
or three, at least two or three, maybe four times
a year. I'm not a big fan of January too long,
too cold, to wet, too snowy, too boring. And I
like February. Two weeks from tonight it'll be Valentine's Day.
(00:51):
That's the segue to my next guest. I am delighted
to welcome Carolyn Sharp. Carolyn Sharp her book Fire It Up.
Four Secrets to reigniting intimacy and enjoy in your relationship.
This book has just hit the publishing houses where I
should say Amazon and bookstores. Carol and Trump, Welcome to Nightside.
(01:14):
How are you this evening.
Speaker 3 (01:16):
I'm very well, very happy to be.
Speaker 2 (01:18):
Here, well happy to have you here. As a matter
of fact, on a Friday night, two weeks before Valentine's Day.
How's the best happening. It's just came out on January seventh.
Speaker 3 (01:28):
It's doing great. My colleagues and the people that are
reading it and the reviewers are finding it very helpful
and entertaining as well. I don't do boring, as I
like to say, and as my couples know that I
work with, and so people are finding the humor because
relationships are difficult and if we can't laugh about it,
(01:50):
it makes it harder. So everyone's loving it so far.
Speaker 2 (01:53):
No question. I watched a fairly long, not fairly long
for television long segment, and you certainly have points of view,
and you are refreshing, and I'm hoping that we can
spend some time tonight, maybe even talking with listeners who
might look for some help in their relationship. So you're
a couple's therapists. Let's let's make sure people understand what
(02:16):
you do. You're not a matchmaker. You're not someone trying
to help people either hook up or or or find
the love of their life. You're basically the person who's
coming into a relationship which has maybe diminished or broken down,
(02:37):
broken down, yeah, a lot of different I was trying
to find a way to that that the flame has
not quite been extinguished, but but it's embrors or embers
are dying. And is that an accurate characterization?
Speaker 3 (02:51):
Yes, I mean that is what I did for years
and years and years full time. That was all I did.
And then I started to grow frustrated and a little
bit burned out on how many couples I was seeing
give up on their relationships. Sort of, this is too hard,
I'm out of here, coupled with what I think is
sort of a mythology out there that relationships shouldn't be hard.
Speaker 4 (03:14):
And so I.
Speaker 3 (03:15):
Started getting creative about the ways that I could help
couples before they ended up in my office as a therapist.
And so I started doing coaching and courses and retreats
to try and prevent a lot of the problems that
end relationships that couples give up their relationship over. So
(03:35):
while I do provide therapy to the couples that have
fallen apart, I am more trying to help people before
they need those services, And that is why I wrote
the book, is to try and give everybody what they
need to have a healthy relationship.
Speaker 2 (03:51):
So to put a different way, you're sort of an
auto mechanic as a moment body shop. You don't want
to deal with the car which has you'll suffered ten
thousand dollars worth of damage in a head on accident
because the brakes when you want to fix whatever's wrong
with the car so it will stay out of that accident.
Speaker 3 (04:12):
It seems to me, yes, yes, exactly what the clack
of the relationship business.
Speaker 2 (04:22):
Yeah, has anyone ever hit you with that analogy before?
I was trying to come up with an analogy on
my own which would people would make people better understand it.
Speaker 3 (04:30):
Yeah, Yeah, I've been Yeah, I mean, I've used that.
I mean and in the book. The book is obviously
playing on a fire metaphor that you know, if anybody,
any of your listeners are our campers, you know that
there are three ingredients to a healthy fire. There's oxygen,
there's ignition, and there's fuel. We need all three of
those things to have a healthy fire. We also need
(04:51):
those for a healthy relationship. And so that's the metaphor
I use to build a healthy relationship and then keep
the relationship sparking and roaring and in all of the
good ways.
Speaker 2 (05:02):
Okay, so explain how those three elements that are needed
to to light a campfire and get a campfire going.
Explain how each of those elements work within a relationship.
What the oxygen represent, yep.
Speaker 3 (05:15):
Happy to so in a relationship, the oxygen of the
relationship is the understanding of each other as people, of
who we are, and the acceptance of each other as
who we are. So couples spend a lot of time.
They waste a lot of time trying to get their partner.
Speaker 5 (05:31):
To be like they are.
Speaker 3 (05:33):
Clean the kitchen the way I do it, fix the
car the way I do it, you know, raise the
kids the way I do it, And they end up
wasting a lot of time and causing a lot of
distance and a lot of conflict. And instead I teach
people how to really understand why their partner, you know,
does the dishes the way they do, or all that
sort of stuff, what it means to us. And that's really,
(05:53):
you know, a simple and silly example, but that understanding
is oxygen to us. And the other piece of oxygen
is the right amount of time together and time apart,
because as many couples experience going through the pandemic and
the lockdown, being together twenty four to seven is suffocating
the relationship, but it an't good for anybody. But neither
(06:14):
is spending all our time in separate interests, and so
each couple has to find what's the right balance for
us of time together and time apart. So that's the oxygen.
Speaker 5 (06:23):
The fuel is.
Speaker 3 (06:25):
The healthy communication, the creating the emotional safety and security
in the relationship. To be able to be flawed human beings,
to be able to be our best selves, to be
able to communicate our needs, get our needs in met.
That's the fuel for the relationship. And then finally, the
ignition for the relationship is the passion, the fun, the play,
the mystery that separates our intimate relationship from every other
(06:48):
relationship we have out there.
Speaker 5 (06:50):
Because lots of couples over a.
Speaker 3 (06:52):
Twenty thirty forty year marriage commitment end up feeling more
like roommates or business partners than they do like intimate
romantic partners. And so you need that ignition to make
your relationship special and different from any other one you're in.
Speaker 2 (07:08):
Well, you certainly those Yeah, yeah, you've explained it beautifully,
and I'm hoping some people may have some questions or comments.
I've got a million questions, and my audience oftentimes will
rely upon my questions. But feel free give us a
call six one, seven, two, five, four ten thirty six
one seven, nine three one ten thirty. And again, this
(07:31):
is not a sort of a dating scene. We've done
those before. We don't do this very often, by the way, Carolyn.
We do a lot of politics and current events and
what's going on in the world, whether it's a horrific
plane crash, as we spent a lot of time for
the last couple of nights. It's funny when those incidents occur.
(07:56):
Someone mentioned to me today that it just underscore the
fragility of life. I think all of us that granted,
and we get into a silly, stupid argument with those
to us, and we expand, you know, so much energy
on stuff that really is not important. And then when
(08:18):
you see something where these people are literally in a
landing pattern, I mean they're they're they're almost ready to
touch down and and and and complete the flight, and
out of nowhere, the helicopter collides and everybody's done in
a matter of seconds. It just shows shows you how
fragile life is. And whatever arguments you're having with your spouse,
(08:42):
they pale in comparison to you. Look at some of
these as as it so happened up here they were.
There are some widowers now because of a couple of
the skaters. Their moms went with them to this particular event.
It's it's horrible. So folks, take advantage of the opportunity
we present to you tonight. And if you'd like to
(09:03):
talk with Carolyn Sharp, she's a couple's therapist. You'd have
to pay a lot of money to spend some time
talking to Carolyn Sharp or any other couple's therapist. Uh,
this is available for you. Six one, seven, two, five,
four ten thirty six one seven, nine, three, one ten
thirty Coming right back on Nightside. Value our time together
because again, at some point, the candle of life goes out,
(09:27):
and it often goes out in a very sudden way
that none of us expect. Back on Nightside after this.
Speaker 1 (09:33):
Now back to Dan Ray live from the Window World
Nightside Studios on WBZ News Radio.
Speaker 2 (09:41):
My guest is Carolyn Sharp. She has written a book
Fired up. She is a long time couple's therapist. Before
we get to phone calls Carolyn real quickly. There's an
old saying that opposites attract. I'm not sure that's true.
What happens when you get the sort of Hollywood type
(10:02):
marriages where you have the the handsome leading man and
the beautiful starlet. They're there megastars, and they they're A personalities.
I guess they're hard chargers and they always seem to
end up getting divorced. Yeah, yeah, So how tough is
it for two A personalities to coexist in a marriage.
Speaker 3 (10:28):
Well, you know, first, the sort of idea of opposites attracts,
there's actually brain science to that. When we first meet
another person and are interested in dating, there's a genetic
component to that, where we're where our brain is looking
unconsciously for mating for life. At around six to eighteen months,
our brain starts looking for familiarity. It's looking for what
(10:51):
do I recognize as familiar to me in relationships and
what we were taught to expect in relationships. So then
that's when we marry our parents. You know that expression
that you married your mother or you married your father,
it's because we're marrying the dynamic that we grew up with,
you know, some of us. I grew up in New
York and it was a high conflict, you know, like
(11:13):
yelling was normal and sarcasm was normal, and that is
what I'm you know, that is what I've found myself in.
That's what's familiar to me. So that's where that expression
comes from. There's some truth to it as to you know,
two A types. You know, there are all kinds of
differences in relationship in terms of high conflict couples or
(11:37):
high arousal couples and arousal I don't mean in the
fun way. I mean people that get real hot, real angry,
real fast, take a long time to slow down, all
that kind of stuff. And there's real science to that.
And so it's like a I don't know, it's like
a grid of the different characteristics, some of which are
easily resolved and.
Speaker 5 (11:56):
Some of which are really tricky to resolve.
Speaker 3 (12:00):
Hollywood doesn't do us any favors, and a lot of
the mythologies that you shouldn't have to work on your
relationship and it should be easy, and all of that
sort of stuff coupled with sort of you know, what's
the expression.
Speaker 5 (12:16):
We want what we want, and we want.
Speaker 3 (12:17):
It fast, and if we don't get it fast, we
sort of toss it out, you know everything. Instant gratification,
instant gratification. Thank you, there it is, it's it's it's
past my bedtime. If I'm If I'm being honest, my
vocabulary is a little bit gone at this out reason.
Speaker 2 (12:35):
Doctor Dan, and some of my listeners will call me,
will come up with the appropriate phrase.
Speaker 3 (12:39):
So thank you.
Speaker 2 (12:41):
Every clock is right.
Speaker 3 (12:46):
Exactly.
Speaker 2 (12:47):
Let's get some phone calls. I must tell you that
I'm a little bit concerned because my first two calls
coming up. Our men, ladies, this is a great opportunity.
Don't pass it. Let's go to Paul in Duxbury, down
on the south coast of Massachusetts. Hie, Paul, you welcome you.
Speaker 4 (13:07):
Hello, Hello doctor Hi Dan.
Speaker 2 (13:10):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (13:10):
I always joke when I'm talking to people about my
wife and my relationship, I say, well, work in progress,
even though we've been married for thirty four years.
Speaker 2 (13:18):
So that's some progress. That's progress.
Speaker 3 (13:21):
That's amazing.
Speaker 4 (13:25):
So doctor Who, what kind of advice do you give
people when they're going through a tough time. I think
we give up too easily. I'm fine in my relationship.
I'm just what do you what do you give people
when you go through some hard time, suppression of sickness
and so and so forth. I think you have touched
on that a little bit.
Speaker 3 (13:46):
Yeah, I would love to and thank you for asking
and congratulations on thirty plus years in your marriage. I
applaud you and congratulate you on that. That is an accomplishment.
So what I tell people in who are going through
hard times is the first thing is that.
Speaker 5 (14:03):
That's part of life.
Speaker 3 (14:04):
That in a thirty or forty year marriage, we can
expect to go through hard times. So to not freak
out about the hard time and panic about it and go,
oh God, We've got to change everything or I can't
do it. We have to learn through the hard times.
The hard times are what make us stronger as a couple.
(14:25):
As a person. We don't growth through comfort. We grow
through discomfort and challenge and then to really figure out
what each of you needs, So to say to your
partner what can I do to support you, and for
them to say that in response, because we offer. One
of the truths of human relationships is we tend to
(14:46):
love others the way we want to be loved rather
than the way they need to be loved. So you know,
for example, in my life, my husband likes hugs and
I like time alone, and so he used to when
we were first together, he used to come to give
me a hug when I was upset, and I used
to give him space when he was upset. And that
(15:06):
was the wrong thing to do entirely. So finding out
and asking, not expecting to know or for your partner
to know, but instead to have a conversation of how
can I support you? What do you need from me?
That is the biggest piece of advice that I can
offer anybody, is to take the time to keep curious
and to ask the questions to help you get through that.
Speaker 4 (15:30):
Absolutely, communication is the key. And my parents used to say,
don't got a bit angry, you got to get it out.
Speaker 3 (15:35):
They that works for some people and other people can't
do it, and so you know, there're you gotta Every
couple's got to find out what works for them. That's
great advice for some and other people don't have the
nervous system where they can really resolve things that quickly,
and so then that couple needs to figure it out
(15:55):
a different way, So I'm glad it.
Speaker 5 (15:57):
Works for you.
Speaker 4 (15:59):
That's awesome.
Speaker 2 (16:00):
Want, Paul, how long did your parents marriage last? I
assume they they they stayed.
Speaker 4 (16:08):
Together forever, over fifty years. Yeah, they passed away twenty seventeen,
the two of them. But they were a fifty year marriage, yes,
the end. Yeah, Yeah, they did well. I had good
role models, I guess. I guess you sure then, Yeah,
some difficult times. I mean, there was some tough time
for them to My father was an alcoholic, but my
(16:30):
mother always took good care of him and that's why
he lived at be eighty nine. But that's a whole
nother story. We all have those stories. They stuck by it. Yeah,
people don't buy each other. You gotta you gotta give
each other time, and you gotta work through things, and
you gotta if you love them enough, you gotta make
them laugh. So that's all.
Speaker 2 (16:49):
I think you therapist, Paul, thanks well my college degree? Well, okay,
there you go. Yeah, thank you six months thinke it?
Easy ball? Talk to you soon. Six one, seven, two, five,
four ten thirty six one seven nine three one ten thirty. Doctor,
give you a little bit of a heads up. We
(17:10):
have a two minute CBS News special report coming up.
Just want to give your heads up on that because
there's been a small plane crash tonight in Philadelphia, coming
on the heels of what happened in the out of
Ragings Airport on Wednesday night. It's uh, it's you know,
it just amplifies how fragile life is and you just
(17:32):
never know. Let me ask you. Here's here's it. Here's
a dumb question. I sometimes will have a silly argument, yeah,
my wife over something, and sometimes it's a silly and
I've had this question. I I sometimes have done a
story on this a roll of toilet paper? Should the
toilet paper come over the roll?
Speaker 4 (17:54):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (17:54):
Drop behind the roll?
Speaker 3 (17:58):
Are here not the first tress? I've actually had this
conversation on another podcast. So it's amazing. I use that
example all the time.
Speaker 5 (18:06):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (18:06):
So is there a definitive answer to that or is
it to.
Speaker 5 (18:09):
Eat a rabe?
Speaker 3 (18:11):
Really is to each their own. And what I comment
to people over and over again is it's never really
about the toilet paper. It represents something else. If there
is an annoying fight, as to all your listeners, if
there's an annoying fight that you have over and over again,
the toilet paper, the cat to clean, the count all
that sort of stuff. You're not actually having it about that.
It's about something beneath that. There's two levels of communication.
(18:35):
There's process and there's content content of the facts, which
way the toilet paper should be hung, and the process
is the meaning underneath. And we're all giving it meaning,
we all have a motion around it, and the conflict
gets resolved when you start listening for that deeper meaning.
So what does that represent to you? Why it has
to be the way it is? Sometimes it's control. Sometimes
it's about feeling listened to. Sometimes it's about you know,
(18:58):
equality in the in the household chores, it's about something else.
So it's never about the toilet paper. Bar the toilet
paper is not the toilet paper.
Speaker 2 (19:10):
I think we got to getting pretty close to Rob.
How close we are to the CBS report ten seconds. Okay,
thanks for the heads up. We'll be right back with
my guest talking about how to fire up your relationship
right after this report from CBS News about the plane
crash in Philadelphia. The second one, it's Night Side with.
Speaker 1 (19:33):
Boston's News Radio.
Speaker 2 (19:36):
Thank you very much. We are talking with a couple's
therapist Carolyn Sharp her book Fire It Up. Four Secrets
to Reigniting intimacy and Joy in your Relationship. It is
just out. Uh, it would cost you a lot of
money to talk to a couple's therapist. So if you
want to call six one, seven, two, five, four to
ten thirty six one seven, nine three one ten thirty
(19:59):
or trip late nine to nine ten thirty. Now, again,
we don't do a lot of this sort of programming,
but I think it's important in my opinion. I hope
you think it as well, And certainly the response of
the audience to my guests tell me if it's a
subject that you want to know, if you'd like to
have more of. So feel free to be guided by
(20:22):
that Four Secrets to reigniting intimacy enjoy in your relationship.
As I try to explain, Carolyn, you're not a dating
side and you're dealing with people who have been married
for some period of time and they have hit upon
rocky shores rocky shores, So what are the secrets to
(20:42):
reigniting the intimacy enjoy in a relationship once that flame
is flickering?
Speaker 3 (20:48):
Well, it's the three of the ones were the ones
that I was telling you about the oxygen, the ignition,
and the fuel in the relationship. The fourth one is
the foundation of your relationship, with which many couples don't
actually take the time to create, or if they have,
it was twenty thirty years ago and they haven't revisited it.
And that's the purpose of our relationship. The why we're together,
(21:11):
which lots of couple's default to will love is why
we're together. And that's great to except anybody that's married
for any period of time knows love isn't a constant
state that we feel when we're in the biggest struggle
with each other. Love isn't the first thing that comes
to mind, and so we really need a bigger purpose
that's about, well, we're challenging each other to be our
(21:33):
best selves, or we're supporting each other in our career
and in our adventures, or we travel the world, or
we're making the world a better place, or whatever it is.
Speaker 5 (21:42):
You have a.
Speaker 3 (21:42):
Purpose that guides the choices that you make in the relationship,
and it guides the goals that you're setting for your relationship.
Like we're we're going to go to Africa next year,
We're going to save money for our retirement or we're
going to.
Speaker 5 (21:55):
Buy a boat or whatever it is.
Speaker 3 (21:57):
That those goals then guide the daily choices that we
make to hold our tongue or to you know, not
get every coffee that we want to buy, or whatever
it is. We honor those commitments and those goals help
us do that. So those are the sort of overarching
for big secrets, and then within those there are lots
(22:18):
of tips to bring the fire back if it's you know,
gone out for a period of time, which is also
a natural part of a long marriage.
Speaker 2 (22:28):
What percentage of the couples that they've come to you
are able to reignite that relationship and can and basically
get some help and get squared away. And what percentage
of the couples that come to you have waited way
(22:49):
too long or maybe it was not to be.
Speaker 3 (22:53):
You know, by the nature of those myths that I
was mentioning before, the expectation that relationships shouldn't work, couples
wait too long, and the fact that we let you know,
we make the commitment and then we sort of check
that area off our life, like all right, I'm married,
I'm good. I don't need to worry about that part
of my life anymore, and we just sort of let
(23:14):
it go. By the time they reach out to a
couple therapists, they are.
Speaker 5 (23:20):
In often in trouble.
Speaker 3 (23:21):
And so I have had over the years, I've had
a lot of couples that come to me really for
my help in breaking them up and giving them permission
to walk away or to admit to doing something terrible
in their relationship. And so my percentages, you know, I
mean in terms of success. You know, my job is
to help people find happiness and find health for themselves,
(23:44):
and that isn't always staying in the relationship. I wish,
you know, And that is why I wrote the book,
is to help people before they need a therapist, before
they've done horrible things to one another, to actually learn
how to create health. And what I say over and
over is a couple aside from where there is violence,
any couple can make their relationship healthy and loving and
(24:06):
vital again if they both wanted and if they're both
interested in it. The challenge comes when somebody waits too
long and they're already completely checked out, like they've already
decided I'm done. I can't do anything for anybody who's
decided I don't want to be here anymore.
Speaker 2 (24:23):
At that point, you're a motician.
Speaker 3 (24:26):
Yes, exactly, I'm no longer a car mechanic. I'm the
junkiep at that point selling things for parts.
Speaker 2 (24:35):
Yeah, let's keep rolling here. We're going to go to Barbara,
who is calling in for New Hampshire. Barbara, appreciate you
calling in tonight.
Speaker 6 (24:42):
Welcome, Hi Carolyn, shot Barbara, Hi Barbara.
Speaker 3 (24:48):
Happy.
Speaker 6 (24:48):
I'm happy to announce that next month I will be
married fifty seven years.
Speaker 3 (24:53):
WHOA, that's awesome.
Speaker 6 (24:57):
I married my childhood sweethet. We had four beautiful children,
very successful, and we have six wonderful grandchildren.
Speaker 1 (25:08):
Wow.
Speaker 3 (25:09):
Congratulations.
Speaker 6 (25:10):
And I think the secret was we constantly picked each
other up. We made each other feel.
Speaker 5 (25:18):
Good, you know.
Speaker 6 (25:19):
Yes, we weren't doing something, or we were upset about something,
we tried to make that into a positive thing so
that we did it together. I guess because we had
both had the same goals.
Speaker 2 (25:34):
Was there ever a point, a Barber in your relationship.
Sounds to me like it wasn't. But was there ever
a point in your relationship where you said this isn't working.
Speaker 6 (25:47):
No, I really can't say that. I can't. We we
were young, We had, my husband was going through college.
We didn't have much money. We saved for our house
over the years. We lived in the same house for
forty two years in order to get bring our children
(26:08):
up and educate them. We didn't go for fancy things,
but we did have a good time. We had fun.
Speaker 3 (26:17):
That's awesome.
Speaker 5 (26:18):
What a great story.
Speaker 3 (26:20):
And what you're talking about is you amplified each other.
You lifted each other up.
Speaker 6 (26:24):
Go ahead, and we have our house in New Hampshire
and everyone comes to that house. We call it our camp,
but it's a nice house on the lake and everybody comes,
even our daughter from California who's out in San Francisco, Dan.
Speaker 2 (26:45):
And Francisco too, so we have something.
Speaker 6 (26:50):
She comes every year for summer vacation to you and
her husband, and every Christmas they come to the whole
Christmas holidays and we always together. We enjoy each other's company.
Speaker 2 (27:06):
Well, I'll tell you of what did they say?
Speaker 4 (27:10):
Uh?
Speaker 2 (27:10):
Is this there's a match for everybody? And with eight
billion people in the world. Sounds to me like you
found your match.
Speaker 3 (27:17):
I did.
Speaker 6 (27:19):
And we had tough times financially and but we stuck
together and we made it.
Speaker 2 (27:27):
Can let me ask you I want to ask Carolyn
a question, Carolyn, can tough times financially, which obviously is
going to put stress in a marriage, can it at times,
as in maybe Barber's case, actually pull people together?
Speaker 3 (27:43):
Absolutely, Any any hard times can pull people together. You know,
even even the terrible things that I'm naming of, you know,
couples doing horrible things to each other, like having an
affair or something.
Speaker 5 (27:54):
If the couple decides, all right, what can we.
Speaker 3 (27:56):
Learn from this and how can we use this to
make us stronger? It will absolutely make a couple stronger,
just like that constitution will make a person stronger if
I'm going through something, or you know, a period of
difficulty for a country could make the country stronger. It's
about everybody deciding we're going to use this difficulty, you know,
(28:17):
plane crash or whatever to make us stronger. And it's
a decision.
Speaker 5 (28:21):
It's a choice.
Speaker 3 (28:23):
And Barbara and her husband, wisely, you know, made the
commitment and made the decision. We are sticking together and
we're lifting each other up. And probably some days Barbara
did a bigger job of this, and other days her
husband lifted her up and she didn't have much to give,
you know, that's that's a life together. And bravos the
(28:43):
two of you for having the wisdom to know this
is our job. We need to put our work here
because we're building something and look at what you've built.
Speaker 6 (28:52):
Nobody is perfect. And my noildren looked at us and say,
you guys are the greatest. You guys just we want
a marriage like you have marriage, You have your children?
Speaker 2 (29:06):
Have your children found obviously that none of your children
are going to be married for anywhere near the length
of time that you're married. But are any of your
children currently married? Do they have grandchildren? Have have things
looked at?
Speaker 4 (29:17):
Yeah?
Speaker 6 (29:17):
All four? All four or married, two girls, two boys,
and the oldest girl, as I said, lives in San Francisco,
and the rest are here in New England. And I
have six beautiful grandchildren, of which there's a set of twins,
a boy and a girl twin which I adore, and
(29:38):
they're in the teenage. He is the oldest. Two were
in college. And then we have the two little ones
that are the light of my life. They have four
and eight.
Speaker 2 (29:49):
I'm going to ask you what I'm going to ask you, Barbara,
A tough question. Okay, Okay, here's the question how much
did either religion or faith, either organized or unorganized, play
in the success of your marriage.
Speaker 6 (30:07):
Well, I think it played a very big pot. Although
now I leave it up to my children to decide
how they are going to express themselves and their religious beliefs.
My husband and I were very involved in our church
as teenagers, and we were very involved in when we
(30:29):
were first married, and our best friend was our parish priest,
and he married all of us and he christened all
the babies, and he was wonderful.
Speaker 2 (30:41):
Barbara. It's a fairy tale story, but it's a fairy
tale story that's true. And I thank you for sharing
it with us tonight because it's so thank you.
Speaker 6 (30:51):
Go ahead, Barbara, No, I just said, thank you, Dan,
thank you for saying that.
Speaker 2 (30:56):
Well, I mean, I mean from the bottom of my heart,
thank you, Barbara.
Speaker 5 (30:59):
Thanks for listening to you story.
Speaker 6 (31:00):
We'll talk again, okay, okay, and thank you for your show.
I'm enjoying it all right.
Speaker 2 (31:06):
We'll try to keep keep keep on keeping on. Okay,
thank you much. I've okay, you keep it up, you
keep it up. Thanks Bobering, good night. Wow, that's for sure.
But if you have a question, we have a few
more minutes left with my guest Carolyn Sharp. She is
(31:27):
a couple's therapist. I think at this point I do
not need to describe to you what she does and
what she doesn't do. And if you'd like to call
and ask a question or make a comment, you are
more than welcome. And is you've got some time left?
Six one seven thirty six one seven nine thirty. I
very much, Carolyn. I know you're in a different time
(31:47):
zone than we are. I very much appreciate your time,
uh tonight, because I think that on a subject like this,
my experience is that a lot of times people want
to listen no call, But I'm suspected that maybe one
or two other people out there who will get on
the phone in the in the next few minutes, feel
free to join the conferences. To be back on Outside
(32:08):
with Carolyn Sharp.
Speaker 1 (32:11):
Now back to Dan Ray live from the Window World.
Nice since two years on WBZ News Radio.
Speaker 2 (32:20):
I told you there were more people out there. Let's
go to Chuck, I mean Brockton, Massachusetts. Chuck, you're next
or NICEID with Carolyn Shark.
Speaker 7 (32:26):
Go right ahead, Chuck, Well, Hi, good good evening, and
thanks for taking my call. Welcome, very lungs, but short stor.
I've been married for about twenty years and it's been
a great and bad marriage, up and down, but for
a couple ten years ten years or so, very special
(32:49):
marriage because we were intimate and we are doing so
much things, going away on vacations and once a year
or twice the year, and having a good time for
our anniversary, do everything every year, some things. But then
it came to slump at one point where we start
not trusting each other, and so that trust led to
(33:13):
me secing alternative, you know, something, some other loving personnel
that I would be there for me, kids that we
were in trusted each other for a long period of time,
and so like I would go away or she would
(33:35):
go somewhere and not tell me when she's leaving, and
it just it just became a long drawn out, unhealthy relationship.
And at some point I seek guidance, which was going
to church or something like that, and I came back,
I asked the forgiveness, and that never happened, and so
I sort of like give up in my mind, I
(33:56):
give upon the relationship, but we're still together, and through
it all we I end up having an outside child.
And now for the last we're still together, but for
the last two years we have not really been intimate.
But we're still together and she still does everything as
a wife and everything. But it's just I don't know
(34:18):
if the it's just it's I love her, she loves me,
but it's just the it's it's like it's gone. Okay,
let's get out of chuck.
Speaker 2 (34:28):
Let's let's thank you for burying your soul literally and figuratives. Yeah,
let's get let's get a response reaction to Carolyn. We
only got a couple of minutes left, so please yeah,
let's yeah.
Speaker 3 (34:41):
I would I would echo with Dana Is saying and
thanking you for being so vulnerable and sharing that, and
I'm I'm sorry to hear that you you two have
gone through so much. It's not uncommon in a course
of a twenty year marriage to hit some really rough patches,
and many of us were not taught the right way
to cope with those rough patches, and so we don't
act in the ways that our better selves would like to.
(35:04):
You know that I'm not going to be able to
do justice and provide all the care and support you
deserve in just a couple of minutes. And so I
really do encourage you to continue to seek guidance from
a pastor, or a counselor, or a friend or all
of the above, but to create the space and the
understanding that you guys have some healing to do to
really allow for those injuries that you've caused, not because
(35:28):
you meant to, but that have been caused.
Speaker 5 (35:31):
To allow those to really heal.
Speaker 3 (35:33):
It's not going to be you know, I don't have,
you know, magic therapy dust that I could sprinkle over
you through the airwaves. Unfortunately, if I did, I would
give it to you. But it is going to really
take some time to heal that stuff, and so use
the love that you have for one another to create
the understanding that she's hurting and that you're hurting, and
to extend that love in the understanding of I want
(35:56):
you to feel better. I want to earn your trust back,
both of you saying this to each other, and then
figure out, all right, what sports and resources can we get.
You know, my book might help you, there are lots
of other books that might help you in those sorts
of circumstances. And through the you know, Dan will put
my information up on the wherever you put it to
(36:18):
get my information so that I could send you some
additional resources, which I would be happy to do.
Speaker 5 (36:26):
Thank you.
Speaker 7 (36:26):
The one last thing is that for the reason why
I kind of stepped out is because after asking for forgiveness,
before I even did anything, we went to a couple's
therapy and I tried that I could looked through a
couple of therapies so we can get to this, and
we went once or twice and she just had it.
She did denied. You know, one of them do couple therapies.
Speaker 2 (36:49):
And I hate to do this to you, but you've
called so late, I'm flat out of time. Let me
give the name of the book and you can call
back to Rob, or you can stay in the line.
Rob write this down. The name of the book is
Fired Up by Carolyn Sharp sha Arp Carolyn Sharp, Okay,
(37:10):
fire it up. It's available your website, Carolyn, I believe
is Secure Connections.
Speaker 3 (37:16):
Retreats Retreats dot Com. Yept call and I will be
at Jabberwockiebooks in newbury Port on the fifteenth, the day
after Valentine's Day, for a book.
Speaker 2 (37:27):
You don't want to tell you what, because I'm kind
of cutting you short here, How do your publicist call
my producer and I will have them on that week
before the event, so we can plug that for you
and get you some people to get out to new report. Okay,
so I'll ask you. I do that. The website, Chuck,
stay there and Rob will write it down. Is secure
Connections plural retreats. So secure Connections retreats dot com. Chuck,
(37:54):
thank you for your call, and best of luck, my friend.
You sound like a guy who wants to make it work.
Rob will give you whatever else information you need to
the other calls. I apologize, Carolyn. I thank you immensely
for your time, and I owe you a few minutes
and we'll do it again. I promise the week before
you appear like that week the twelfth, of the thirteenth.
Speaker 3 (38:15):
Okay, awesome, love loves being on. Thank you for your time.
Speaker 2 (38:20):
You're very welcome, Carolyn Sharp the book fire it up
coming back twenty hour right after the eleven o'clock news
Hero at night Side.
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Speaker 1 (39:49):
WBZ Boston, w XKSFM, HD two Bedford, and Iheartradiot Show.
This is WBZ Boston News Radio, redefining local news.
Speaker 2 (40:08):
Good evening.
Speaker 10 (40:08):
I'm Al Griffith and here's what's happening on the heels
of Wednesday night's deadly midair collision, killing sixty seven.
Speaker 2 (40:15):
People in Washington, DC.
Speaker 10 (40:17):
A small jet crashes in Philadelphia tonight, officials in Philly
providing a very brief update after a Lear Jet fifty
five crashed shortly after takeoff from the northeast Philadelphia Airport,
coming down in a very busy shopping strip of the
Pennsylvania city. The FAA confirming six people on board that
(40:38):
flight were en route to Springfield Branson National Airport in Missouri,
but a total count of injured or killed has not
been reportable yet.
Speaker 2 (40:46):
When phil
It's nice with Dan Ray. I'm telling you easy Boston
New Radio.
Speaker 2 (00:07):
Welcome back everybody, Thanks very much. Elle. It is now
at the ten o'clock hour, and we have only a
couple of hours left in January, which makes me very
happy to be really honest with it, besides the fact
that today is a Friday, It's January thirty first, and
next hour we'll go and talk about being happy when
January is over. We do a twenty eighth our other week,
(00:29):
and we always try to pick a subject that people
might find different. Although we do brushes with celebrity two
or three, at least two or three, maybe four times
a year. I'm not a big fan of January too long,
too cold, to wet, too snowy, too boring. And I
like February. Two weeks from tonight it'll be Valentine's Day.
(00:51):
That's the segue to my next guest. I am delighted
to welcome Carolyn Sharp. Carolyn Sharp her book Fire It Up.
Four Secrets to reigniting intimacy and enjoy in your relationship.
This book has just hit the publishing houses where I
should say Amazon and bookstores. Carol and Trump, Welcome to Nightside.
(01:14):
How are you this evening.
Speaker 3 (01:16):
I'm very well, very happy to be.
Speaker 2 (01:18):
Here, well happy to have you here. As a matter
of fact, on a Friday night, two weeks before Valentine's Day.
How's the best happening. It's just came out on January seventh.
Speaker 3 (01:28):
It's doing great. My colleagues and the people that are
reading it and the reviewers are finding it very helpful
and entertaining as well. I don't do boring, as I
like to say, and as my couples know that I
work with, and so people are finding the humor because
relationships are difficult and if we can't laugh about it,
(01:50):
it makes it harder. So everyone's loving it so far.
Speaker 2 (01:53):
No question. I watched a fairly long, not fairly long
for television long segment, and you certainly have points of view,
and you are refreshing, and I'm hoping that we can
spend some time tonight, maybe even talking with listeners who
might look for some help in their relationship. So you're
a couple's therapists. Let's let's make sure people understand what
(02:16):
you do. You're not a matchmaker. You're not someone trying
to help people either hook up or or or find
the love of their life. You're basically the person who's
coming into a relationship which has maybe diminished or broken down,
(02:37):
broken down, yeah, a lot of different I was trying
to find a way to that that the flame has
not quite been extinguished, but but it's embrors or embers
are dying. And is that an accurate characterization?
Speaker 3 (02:51):
Yes, I mean that is what I did for years
and years and years full time. That was all I did.
And then I started to grow frustrated and a little
bit burned out on how many couples I was seeing
give up on their relationships. Sort of, this is too hard,
I'm out of here, coupled with what I think is
sort of a mythology out there that relationships shouldn't be hard.
Speaker 4 (03:14):
And so I.
Speaker 3 (03:15):
Started getting creative about the ways that I could help
couples before they ended up in my office as a therapist.
And so I started doing coaching and courses and retreats
to try and prevent a lot of the problems that
end relationships that couples give up their relationship over. So
(03:35):
while I do provide therapy to the couples that have
fallen apart, I am more trying to help people before
they need those services, And that is why I wrote
the book, is to try and give everybody what they
need to have a healthy relationship.
Speaker 2 (03:51):
So to put a different way, you're sort of an
auto mechanic as a moment body shop. You don't want
to deal with the car which has you'll suffered ten
thousand dollars worth of damage in a head on accident
because the brakes when you want to fix whatever's wrong
with the car so it will stay out of that accident.
Speaker 3 (04:12):
It seems to me, yes, yes, exactly what the clack
of the relationship business.
Speaker 2 (04:22):
Yeah, has anyone ever hit you with that analogy before?
I was trying to come up with an analogy on
my own which would people would make people better understand it.
Speaker 3 (04:30):
Yeah, Yeah, I've been Yeah, I mean, I've used that.
I mean and in the book. The book is obviously
playing on a fire metaphor that you know, if anybody,
any of your listeners are our campers, you know that
there are three ingredients to a healthy fire. There's oxygen,
there's ignition, and there's fuel. We need all three of
those things to have a healthy fire. We also need
(04:51):
those for a healthy relationship. And so that's the metaphor
I use to build a healthy relationship and then keep
the relationship sparking and roaring and in all of the
good ways.
Speaker 2 (05:02):
Okay, so explain how those three elements that are needed
to to light a campfire and get a campfire going.
Explain how each of those elements work within a relationship.
What the oxygen represent, yep.
Speaker 3 (05:15):
Happy to so in a relationship, the oxygen of the
relationship is the understanding of each other as people, of
who we are, and the acceptance of each other as
who we are. So couples spend a lot of time.
They waste a lot of time trying to get their partner.
Speaker 5 (05:31):
To be like they are.
Speaker 3 (05:33):
Clean the kitchen the way I do it, fix the
car the way I do it, you know, raise the
kids the way I do it, And they end up
wasting a lot of time and causing a lot of
distance and a lot of conflict. And instead I teach
people how to really understand why their partner, you know,
does the dishes the way they do, or all that
sort of stuff, what it means to us. And that's really,
(05:53):
you know, a simple and silly example, but that understanding
is oxygen to us. And the other piece of oxygen
is the right amount of time together and time apart,
because as many couples experience going through the pandemic and
the lockdown, being together twenty four to seven is suffocating
the relationship, but it an't good for anybody. But neither
(06:14):
is spending all our time in separate interests, and so
each couple has to find what's the right balance for
us of time together and time apart. So that's the oxygen.
Speaker 5 (06:23):
The fuel is.
Speaker 3 (06:25):
The healthy communication, the creating the emotional safety and security
in the relationship. To be able to be flawed human beings,
to be able to be our best selves, to be
able to communicate our needs, get our needs in met.
That's the fuel for the relationship. And then finally, the
ignition for the relationship is the passion, the fun, the play,
the mystery that separates our intimate relationship from every other
(06:48):
relationship we have out there.
Speaker 5 (06:50):
Because lots of couples over a.
Speaker 3 (06:52):
Twenty thirty forty year marriage commitment end up feeling more
like roommates or business partners than they do like intimate
romantic partners. And so you need that ignition to make
your relationship special and different from any other one you're in.
Speaker 2 (07:08):
Well, you certainly those Yeah, yeah, you've explained it beautifully,
and I'm hoping some people may have some questions or comments.
I've got a million questions, and my audience oftentimes will
rely upon my questions. But feel free give us a
call six one, seven, two, five, four ten thirty six
one seven, nine three one ten thirty. And again, this
(07:31):
is not a sort of a dating scene. We've done
those before. We don't do this very often, by the way, Carolyn.
We do a lot of politics and current events and
what's going on in the world, whether it's a horrific
plane crash, as we spent a lot of time for
the last couple of nights. It's funny when those incidents occur.
(07:56):
Someone mentioned to me today that it just underscore the
fragility of life. I think all of us that granted,
and we get into a silly, stupid argument with those
to us, and we expand, you know, so much energy
on stuff that really is not important. And then when
(08:18):
you see something where these people are literally in a
landing pattern, I mean they're they're they're almost ready to
touch down and and and and complete the flight, and
out of nowhere, the helicopter collides and everybody's done in
a matter of seconds. It just shows shows you how
fragile life is. And whatever arguments you're having with your spouse,
(08:42):
they pale in comparison to you. Look at some of
these as as it so happened up here they were.
There are some widowers now because of a couple of
the skaters. Their moms went with them to this particular event.
It's it's horrible. So folks, take advantage of the opportunity
we present to you tonight. And if you'd like to
(09:03):
talk with Carolyn Sharp, she's a couple's therapist. You'd have
to pay a lot of money to spend some time
talking to Carolyn Sharp or any other couple's therapist. Uh,
this is available for you. Six one, seven, two, five,
four ten thirty six one seven, nine, three, one ten
thirty Coming right back on Nightside. Value our time together
because again, at some point, the candle of life goes out,
(09:27):
and it often goes out in a very sudden way
that none of us expect. Back on Nightside after this.
Speaker 1 (09:33):
Now back to Dan Ray live from the Window World
Nightside Studios on WBZ News Radio.
Speaker 2 (09:41):
My guest is Carolyn Sharp. She has written a book
Fired up. She is a long time couple's therapist. Before
we get to phone calls Carolyn real quickly. There's an
old saying that opposites attract. I'm not sure that's true.
What happens when you get the sort of Hollywood type
(10:02):
marriages where you have the the handsome leading man and
the beautiful starlet. They're there megastars, and they they're A personalities.
I guess they're hard chargers and they always seem to
end up getting divorced. Yeah, yeah, So how tough is
it for two A personalities to coexist in a marriage.
Speaker 3 (10:28):
Well, you know, first, the sort of idea of opposites attracts,
there's actually brain science to that. When we first meet
another person and are interested in dating, there's a genetic
component to that, where we're where our brain is looking
unconsciously for mating for life. At around six to eighteen months,
our brain starts looking for familiarity. It's looking for what
(10:51):
do I recognize as familiar to me in relationships and
what we were taught to expect in relationships. So then
that's when we marry our parents. You know that expression
that you married your mother or you married your father,
it's because we're marrying the dynamic that we grew up with,
you know, some of us. I grew up in New
York and it was a high conflict, you know, like
(11:13):
yelling was normal and sarcasm was normal, and that is
what I'm you know, that is what I've found myself in.
That's what's familiar to me. So that's where that expression
comes from. There's some truth to it as to you know,
two A types. You know, there are all kinds of
differences in relationship in terms of high conflict couples or
(11:37):
high arousal couples and arousal I don't mean in the
fun way. I mean people that get real hot, real angry,
real fast, take a long time to slow down, all
that kind of stuff. And there's real science to that.
And so it's like a I don't know, it's like
a grid of the different characteristics, some of which are
easily resolved and.
Speaker 5 (11:56):
Some of which are really tricky to resolve.
Speaker 3 (12:00):
Hollywood doesn't do us any favors, and a lot of
the mythologies that you shouldn't have to work on your
relationship and it should be easy, and all of that
sort of stuff coupled with sort of you know, what's
the expression.
Speaker 5 (12:16):
We want what we want, and we want.
Speaker 3 (12:17):
It fast, and if we don't get it fast, we
sort of toss it out, you know everything. Instant gratification,
instant gratification. Thank you, there it is, it's it's it's
past my bedtime. If I'm If I'm being honest, my
vocabulary is a little bit gone at this out reason.
Speaker 2 (12:35):
Doctor Dan, and some of my listeners will call me,
will come up with the appropriate phrase.
Speaker 3 (12:39):
So thank you.
Speaker 2 (12:41):
Every clock is right.
Speaker 3 (12:46):
Exactly.
Speaker 2 (12:47):
Let's get some phone calls. I must tell you that
I'm a little bit concerned because my first two calls
coming up. Our men, ladies, this is a great opportunity.
Don't pass it. Let's go to Paul in Duxbury, down
on the south coast of Massachusetts. Hie, Paul, you welcome you.
Speaker 4 (13:07):
Hello, Hello doctor Hi Dan.
Speaker 2 (13:10):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (13:10):
I always joke when I'm talking to people about my
wife and my relationship, I say, well, work in progress,
even though we've been married for thirty four years.
Speaker 2 (13:18):
So that's some progress. That's progress.
Speaker 3 (13:21):
That's amazing.
Speaker 4 (13:25):
So doctor Who, what kind of advice do you give
people when they're going through a tough time. I think
we give up too easily. I'm fine in my relationship.
I'm just what do you what do you give people
when you go through some hard time, suppression of sickness
and so and so forth. I think you have touched
on that a little bit.
Speaker 3 (13:46):
Yeah, I would love to and thank you for asking
and congratulations on thirty plus years in your marriage. I
applaud you and congratulate you on that. That is an accomplishment.
So what I tell people in who are going through
hard times is the first thing is that.
Speaker 5 (14:03):
That's part of life.
Speaker 3 (14:04):
That in a thirty or forty year marriage, we can
expect to go through hard times. So to not freak
out about the hard time and panic about it and go,
oh God, We've got to change everything or I can't
do it. We have to learn through the hard times.
The hard times are what make us stronger as a couple.
(14:25):
As a person. We don't growth through comfort. We grow
through discomfort and challenge and then to really figure out
what each of you needs, So to say to your
partner what can I do to support you, and for
them to say that in response, because we offer. One
of the truths of human relationships is we tend to
(14:46):
love others the way we want to be loved rather
than the way they need to be loved. So you know,
for example, in my life, my husband likes hugs and
I like time alone, and so he used to when
we were first together, he used to come to give
me a hug when I was upset, and I used
to give him space when he was upset. And that
(15:06):
was the wrong thing to do entirely. So finding out
and asking, not expecting to know or for your partner
to know, but instead to have a conversation of how
can I support you? What do you need from me?
That is the biggest piece of advice that I can
offer anybody, is to take the time to keep curious
and to ask the questions to help you get through that.
Speaker 4 (15:30):
Absolutely, communication is the key. And my parents used to say,
don't got a bit angry, you got to get it out.
Speaker 3 (15:35):
They that works for some people and other people can't
do it, and so you know, there're you gotta Every
couple's got to find out what works for them. That's
great advice for some and other people don't have the
nervous system where they can really resolve things that quickly,
and so then that couple needs to figure it out
(15:55):
a different way, So I'm glad it.
Speaker 5 (15:57):
Works for you.
Speaker 4 (15:59):
That's awesome.
Speaker 2 (16:00):
Want, Paul, how long did your parents marriage last? I
assume they they they stayed.
Speaker 4 (16:08):
Together forever, over fifty years. Yeah, they passed away twenty seventeen,
the two of them. But they were a fifty year marriage, yes,
the end. Yeah, Yeah, they did well. I had good
role models, I guess. I guess you sure then, Yeah,
some difficult times. I mean, there was some tough time
for them to My father was an alcoholic, but my
(16:30):
mother always took good care of him and that's why
he lived at be eighty nine. But that's a whole
nother story. We all have those stories. They stuck by it. Yeah,
people don't buy each other. You gotta you gotta give
each other time, and you gotta work through things, and
you gotta if you love them enough, you gotta make
them laugh. So that's all.
Speaker 2 (16:49):
I think you therapist, Paul, thanks well my college degree? Well, okay,
there you go. Yeah, thank you six months thinke it?
Easy ball? Talk to you soon. Six one, seven, two, five,
four ten thirty six one seven nine three one ten thirty. Doctor,
give you a little bit of a heads up. We
(17:10):
have a two minute CBS News special report coming up.
Just want to give your heads up on that because
there's been a small plane crash tonight in Philadelphia, coming
on the heels of what happened in the out of
Ragings Airport on Wednesday night. It's uh, it's you know,
it just amplifies how fragile life is and you just
(17:32):
never know. Let me ask you. Here's here's it. Here's
a dumb question. I sometimes will have a silly argument, yeah,
my wife over something, and sometimes it's a silly and
I've had this question. I I sometimes have done a
story on this a roll of toilet paper? Should the
toilet paper come over the roll?
Speaker 4 (17:54):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (17:54):
Drop behind the roll?
Speaker 3 (17:58):
Are here not the first tress? I've actually had this
conversation on another podcast. So it's amazing. I use that
example all the time.
Speaker 5 (18:06):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (18:06):
So is there a definitive answer to that or is
it to.
Speaker 5 (18:09):
Eat a rabe?
Speaker 3 (18:11):
Really is to each their own. And what I comment
to people over and over again is it's never really
about the toilet paper. It represents something else. If there
is an annoying fight, as to all your listeners, if
there's an annoying fight that you have over and over again,
the toilet paper, the cat to clean, the count all
that sort of stuff. You're not actually having it about that.
It's about something beneath that. There's two levels of communication.
(18:35):
There's process and there's content content of the facts, which
way the toilet paper should be hung, and the process
is the meaning underneath. And we're all giving it meaning,
we all have a motion around it, and the conflict
gets resolved when you start listening for that deeper meaning.
So what does that represent to you? Why it has
to be the way it is? Sometimes it's control. Sometimes
it's about feeling listened to. Sometimes it's about you know,
(18:58):
equality in the in the household chores, it's about something else.
So it's never about the toilet paper. Bar the toilet
paper is not the toilet paper.
Speaker 2 (19:10):
I think we got to getting pretty close to Rob.
How close we are to the CBS report ten seconds. Okay,
thanks for the heads up. We'll be right back with
my guest talking about how to fire up your relationship
right after this report from CBS News about the plane
crash in Philadelphia. The second one, it's Night Side with.
Speaker 1 (19:33):
Boston's News Radio.
Speaker 2 (19:36):
Thank you very much. We are talking with a couple's
therapist Carolyn Sharp her book Fire It Up. Four Secrets
to Reigniting intimacy and Joy in your Relationship. It is
just out. Uh, it would cost you a lot of
money to talk to a couple's therapist. So if you
want to call six one, seven, two, five, four to
ten thirty six one seven, nine three one ten thirty
(19:59):
or trip late nine to nine ten thirty. Now, again,
we don't do a lot of this sort of programming,
but I think it's important in my opinion. I hope
you think it as well, And certainly the response of
the audience to my guests tell me if it's a
subject that you want to know, if you'd like to
have more of. So feel free to be guided by
(20:22):
that Four Secrets to reigniting intimacy enjoy in your relationship.
As I try to explain, Carolyn, you're not a dating
side and you're dealing with people who have been married
for some period of time and they have hit upon
rocky shores rocky shores, So what are the secrets to
(20:42):
reigniting the intimacy enjoy in a relationship once that flame
is flickering?
Speaker 3 (20:48):
Well, it's the three of the ones were the ones
that I was telling you about the oxygen, the ignition,
and the fuel in the relationship. The fourth one is
the foundation of your relationship, with which many couples don't
actually take the time to create, or if they have,
it was twenty thirty years ago and they haven't revisited it.
And that's the purpose of our relationship. The why we're together,
(21:11):
which lots of couple's default to will love is why
we're together. And that's great to except anybody that's married
for any period of time knows love isn't a constant
state that we feel when we're in the biggest struggle
with each other. Love isn't the first thing that comes
to mind, and so we really need a bigger purpose
that's about, well, we're challenging each other to be our
(21:33):
best selves, or we're supporting each other in our career
and in our adventures, or we travel the world, or
we're making the world a better place, or whatever it is.
Speaker 5 (21:42):
You have a.
Speaker 3 (21:42):
Purpose that guides the choices that you make in the relationship,
and it guides the goals that you're setting for your relationship.
Like we're we're going to go to Africa next year,
We're going to save money for our retirement or we're
going to.
Speaker 5 (21:55):
Buy a boat or whatever it is.
Speaker 3 (21:57):
That those goals then guide the daily choices that we
make to hold our tongue or to you know, not
get every coffee that we want to buy, or whatever
it is. We honor those commitments and those goals help
us do that. So those are the sort of overarching
for big secrets, and then within those there are lots
(22:18):
of tips to bring the fire back if it's you know,
gone out for a period of time, which is also
a natural part of a long marriage.
Speaker 2 (22:28):
What percentage of the couples that they've come to you
are able to reignite that relationship and can and basically
get some help and get squared away. And what percentage
of the couples that come to you have waited way
(22:49):
too long or maybe it was not to be.
Speaker 3 (22:53):
You know, by the nature of those myths that I
was mentioning before, the expectation that relationships shouldn't work, couples
wait too long, and the fact that we let you know,
we make the commitment and then we sort of check
that area off our life, like all right, I'm married,
I'm good. I don't need to worry about that part
of my life anymore, and we just sort of let
(23:14):
it go. By the time they reach out to a
couple therapists, they are.
Speaker 5 (23:20):
In often in trouble.
Speaker 3 (23:21):
And so I have had over the years, I've had
a lot of couples that come to me really for
my help in breaking them up and giving them permission
to walk away or to admit to doing something terrible
in their relationship. And so my percentages, you know, I
mean in terms of success. You know, my job is
to help people find happiness and find health for themselves,
(23:44):
and that isn't always staying in the relationship. I wish,
you know, And that is why I wrote the book,
is to help people before they need a therapist, before
they've done horrible things to one another, to actually learn
how to create health. And what I say over and
over is a couple aside from where there is violence,
any couple can make their relationship healthy and loving and
(24:06):
vital again if they both wanted and if they're both
interested in it. The challenge comes when somebody waits too
long and they're already completely checked out, like they've already
decided I'm done. I can't do anything for anybody who's
decided I don't want to be here anymore.
Speaker 2 (24:23):
At that point, you're a motician.
Speaker 3 (24:26):
Yes, exactly, I'm no longer a car mechanic. I'm the
junkiep at that point selling things for parts.
Speaker 2 (24:35):
Yeah, let's keep rolling here. We're going to go to Barbara,
who is calling in for New Hampshire. Barbara, appreciate you
calling in tonight.
Speaker 6 (24:42):
Welcome, Hi Carolyn, shot Barbara, Hi Barbara.
Speaker 3 (24:48):
Happy.
Speaker 6 (24:48):
I'm happy to announce that next month I will be
married fifty seven years.
Speaker 3 (24:53):
WHOA, that's awesome.
Speaker 6 (24:57):
I married my childhood sweethet. We had four beautiful children,
very successful, and we have six wonderful grandchildren.
Speaker 1 (25:08):
Wow.
Speaker 3 (25:09):
Congratulations.
Speaker 6 (25:10):
And I think the secret was we constantly picked each
other up. We made each other feel.
Speaker 5 (25:18):
Good, you know.
Speaker 6 (25:19):
Yes, we weren't doing something, or we were upset about something,
we tried to make that into a positive thing so
that we did it together. I guess because we had
both had the same goals.
Speaker 2 (25:34):
Was there ever a point, a Barber in your relationship.
Sounds to me like it wasn't. But was there ever
a point in your relationship where you said this isn't working.
Speaker 6 (25:47):
No, I really can't say that. I can't. We we
were young, We had, my husband was going through college.
We didn't have much money. We saved for our house
over the years. We lived in the same house for
forty two years in order to get bring our children
(26:08):
up and educate them. We didn't go for fancy things,
but we did have a good time. We had fun.
Speaker 3 (26:17):
That's awesome.
Speaker 5 (26:18):
What a great story.
Speaker 3 (26:20):
And what you're talking about is you amplified each other.
You lifted each other up.
Speaker 6 (26:24):
Go ahead, and we have our house in New Hampshire
and everyone comes to that house. We call it our camp,
but it's a nice house on the lake and everybody comes,
even our daughter from California who's out in San Francisco, Dan.
Speaker 2 (26:45):
And Francisco too, so we have something.
Speaker 6 (26:50):
She comes every year for summer vacation to you and
her husband, and every Christmas they come to the whole
Christmas holidays and we always together. We enjoy each other's company.
Speaker 2 (27:06):
Well, I'll tell you of what did they say?
Speaker 4 (27:10):
Uh?
Speaker 2 (27:10):
Is this there's a match for everybody? And with eight
billion people in the world. Sounds to me like you
found your match.
Speaker 3 (27:17):
I did.
Speaker 6 (27:19):
And we had tough times financially and but we stuck
together and we made it.
Speaker 2 (27:27):
Can let me ask you I want to ask Carolyn
a question, Carolyn, can tough times financially, which obviously is
going to put stress in a marriage, can it at times,
as in maybe Barber's case, actually pull people together?
Speaker 3 (27:43):
Absolutely, Any any hard times can pull people together. You know,
even even the terrible things that I'm naming of, you know,
couples doing horrible things to each other, like having an
affair or something.
Speaker 5 (27:54):
If the couple decides, all right, what can we.
Speaker 3 (27:56):
Learn from this and how can we use this to
make us stronger? It will absolutely make a couple stronger,
just like that constitution will make a person stronger if
I'm going through something, or you know, a period of
difficulty for a country could make the country stronger. It's
about everybody deciding we're going to use this difficulty, you know,
(28:17):
plane crash or whatever to make us stronger. And it's
a decision.
Speaker 5 (28:21):
It's a choice.
Speaker 3 (28:23):
And Barbara and her husband, wisely, you know, made the
commitment and made the decision. We are sticking together and
we're lifting each other up. And probably some days Barbara
did a bigger job of this, and other days her
husband lifted her up and she didn't have much to give,
you know, that's that's a life together. And bravos the
(28:43):
two of you for having the wisdom to know this
is our job. We need to put our work here
because we're building something and look at what you've built.
Speaker 6 (28:52):
Nobody is perfect. And my noildren looked at us and say,
you guys are the greatest. You guys just we want
a marriage like you have marriage, You have your children?
Speaker 2 (29:06):
Have your children found obviously that none of your children
are going to be married for anywhere near the length
of time that you're married. But are any of your
children currently married? Do they have grandchildren? Have have things
looked at?
Speaker 4 (29:17):
Yeah?
Speaker 6 (29:17):
All four? All four or married, two girls, two boys,
and the oldest girl, as I said, lives in San Francisco,
and the rest are here in New England. And I
have six beautiful grandchildren, of which there's a set of twins,
a boy and a girl twin which I adore, and
(29:38):
they're in the teenage. He is the oldest. Two were
in college. And then we have the two little ones
that are the light of my life. They have four
and eight.
Speaker 2 (29:49):
I'm going to ask you what I'm going to ask you, Barbara,
A tough question. Okay, Okay, here's the question how much
did either religion or faith, either organized or unorganized, play
in the success of your marriage.
Speaker 6 (30:07):
Well, I think it played a very big pot. Although
now I leave it up to my children to decide
how they are going to express themselves and their religious beliefs.
My husband and I were very involved in our church
as teenagers, and we were very involved in when we
(30:29):
were first married, and our best friend was our parish priest,
and he married all of us and he christened all
the babies, and he was wonderful.
Speaker 2 (30:41):
Barbara. It's a fairy tale story, but it's a fairy
tale story that's true. And I thank you for sharing
it with us tonight because it's so thank you.
Speaker 6 (30:51):
Go ahead, Barbara, No, I just said, thank you, Dan,
thank you for saying that.
Speaker 2 (30:56):
Well, I mean, I mean from the bottom of my heart,
thank you, Barbara.
Speaker 5 (30:59):
Thanks for listening to you story.
Speaker 6 (31:00):
We'll talk again, okay, okay, and thank you for your show.
I'm enjoying it all right.
Speaker 2 (31:06):
We'll try to keep keep keep on keeping on. Okay,
thank you much. I've okay, you keep it up, you
keep it up. Thanks Bobering, good night. Wow, that's for sure.
But if you have a question, we have a few
more minutes left with my guest Carolyn Sharp. She is
(31:27):
a couple's therapist. I think at this point I do
not need to describe to you what she does and
what she doesn't do. And if you'd like to call
and ask a question or make a comment, you are
more than welcome. And is you've got some time left?
Six one seven thirty six one seven nine thirty. I
very much, Carolyn. I know you're in a different time
(31:47):
zone than we are. I very much appreciate your time,
uh tonight, because I think that on a subject like this,
my experience is that a lot of times people want
to listen no call, But I'm suspected that maybe one
or two other people out there who will get on
the phone in the in the next few minutes, feel
free to join the conferences. To be back on Outside
(32:08):
with Carolyn Sharp.
Speaker 1 (32:11):
Now back to Dan Ray live from the Window World.
Nice since two years on WBZ News Radio.
Speaker 2 (32:20):
I told you there were more people out there. Let's
go to Chuck, I mean Brockton, Massachusetts. Chuck, you're next
or NICEID with Carolyn Shark.
Speaker 7 (32:26):
Go right ahead, Chuck, Well, Hi, good good evening, and
thanks for taking my call. Welcome, very lungs, but short stor.
I've been married for about twenty years and it's been
a great and bad marriage, up and down, but for
a couple ten years ten years or so, very special
(32:49):
marriage because we were intimate and we are doing so
much things, going away on vacations and once a year
or twice the year, and having a good time for
our anniversary, do everything every year, some things. But then
it came to slump at one point where we start
not trusting each other, and so that trust led to
(33:13):
me secing alternative, you know, something, some other loving personnel
that I would be there for me, kids that we
were in trusted each other for a long period of time,
and so like I would go away or she would
(33:35):
go somewhere and not tell me when she's leaving, and
it just it just became a long drawn out, unhealthy relationship.
And at some point I seek guidance, which was going
to church or something like that, and I came back,
I asked the forgiveness, and that never happened, and so
I sort of like give up in my mind, I
(33:56):
give upon the relationship, but we're still together, and through
it all we I end up having an outside child.
And now for the last we're still together, but for
the last two years we have not really been intimate.
But we're still together and she still does everything as
a wife and everything. But it's just I don't know
(34:18):
if the it's just it's I love her, she loves me,
but it's just the it's it's like it's gone. Okay,
let's get out of chuck.
Speaker 2 (34:28):
Let's let's thank you for burying your soul literally and figuratives. Yeah,
let's get let's get a response reaction to Carolyn. We
only got a couple of minutes left, so please yeah,
let's yeah.
Speaker 3 (34:41):
I would I would echo with Dana Is saying and
thanking you for being so vulnerable and sharing that, and
I'm I'm sorry to hear that you you two have
gone through so much. It's not uncommon in a course
of a twenty year marriage to hit some really rough patches,
and many of us were not taught the right way
to cope with those rough patches, and so we don't
act in the ways that our better selves would like to.
(35:04):
You know that I'm not going to be able to
do justice and provide all the care and support you
deserve in just a couple of minutes. And so I
really do encourage you to continue to seek guidance from
a pastor, or a counselor, or a friend or all
of the above, but to create the space and the
understanding that you guys have some healing to do to
really allow for those injuries that you've caused, not because
(35:28):
you meant to, but that have been caused.
Speaker 5 (35:31):
To allow those to really heal.
Speaker 3 (35:33):
It's not going to be you know, I don't have,
you know, magic therapy dust that I could sprinkle over
you through the airwaves. Unfortunately, if I did, I would
give it to you. But it is going to really
take some time to heal that stuff, and so use
the love that you have for one another to create
the understanding that she's hurting and that you're hurting, and
to extend that love in the understanding of I want
(35:56):
you to feel better. I want to earn your trust back,
both of you saying this to each other, and then
figure out, all right, what sports and resources can we get.
You know, my book might help you, there are lots
of other books that might help you in those sorts
of circumstances. And through the you know, Dan will put
my information up on the wherever you put it to
(36:18):
get my information so that I could send you some
additional resources, which I would be happy to do.
Speaker 5 (36:26):
Thank you.
Speaker 7 (36:26):
The one last thing is that for the reason why
I kind of stepped out is because after asking for forgiveness,
before I even did anything, we went to a couple's
therapy and I tried that I could looked through a
couple of therapies so we can get to this, and
we went once or twice and she just had it.
She did denied. You know, one of them do couple therapies.
Speaker 2 (36:49):
And I hate to do this to you, but you've
called so late, I'm flat out of time. Let me
give the name of the book and you can call
back to Rob, or you can stay in the line.
Rob write this down. The name of the book is
Fired Up by Carolyn Sharp sha Arp Carolyn Sharp, Okay,
(37:10):
fire it up. It's available your website, Carolyn, I believe
is Secure Connections.
Speaker 3 (37:16):
Retreats Retreats dot Com. Yept call and I will be
at Jabberwockiebooks in newbury Port on the fifteenth, the day
after Valentine's Day, for a book.
Speaker 2 (37:27):
You don't want to tell you what, because I'm kind
of cutting you short here, How do your publicist call
my producer and I will have them on that week
before the event, so we can plug that for you
and get you some people to get out to new report. Okay,
so I'll ask you. I do that. The website, Chuck,
stay there and Rob will write it down. Is secure
Connections plural retreats. So secure Connections retreats dot com. Chuck,
(37:54):
thank you for your call, and best of luck, my friend.
You sound like a guy who wants to make it work.
Rob will give you whatever else information you need to
the other calls. I apologize, Carolyn. I thank you immensely
for your time, and I owe you a few minutes
and we'll do it again. I promise the week before
you appear like that week the twelfth, of the thirteenth.
Speaker 3 (38:15):
Okay, awesome, love loves being on. Thank you for your time.
Speaker 2 (38:20):
You're very welcome, Carolyn Sharp the book fire it up
coming back twenty hour right after the eleven o'clock news
Hero at night Side.
Speaker 8 (38:28):
Software engineer Waltham, Massachusetts, analyze the needs of the client
and design and develop software systems to meet the client
requirements and provide technical support as needed. Perform API testing
and debugging procedures to modify existing software, improved performance, or
adapt it to new hardware. Provide technical solutions for ongoing
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Speaker 1 (39:49):
WBZ Boston, w XKSFM, HD two Bedford, and Iheartradiot Show.
This is WBZ Boston News Radio, redefining local news.
Speaker 2 (40:08):
Good evening.
Speaker 10 (40:08):
I'm Al Griffith and here's what's happening on the heels
of Wednesday night's deadly midair collision, killing sixty seven.
Speaker 2 (40:15):
People in Washington, DC.
Speaker 10 (40:17):
A small jet crashes in Philadelphia tonight, officials in Philly
providing a very brief update after a Lear Jet fifty
five crashed shortly after takeoff from the northeast Philadelphia Airport,
coming down in a very busy shopping strip of the
Pennsylvania city. The FAA confirming six people on board that
(40:38):
flight were en route to Springfield Branson National Airport in Missouri,
but a total count of injured or killed has not
been reportable yet.
Speaker 2 (40:46):
When phil
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