May 6, 2024 • 29 mins
Gov. Kristi Noem hits the Sunday morning talk circuit to double and triple down on the stories of her shooting her dog and meeting world leaders. Meanwhile, Dana reflects on the old days of Rat Pack roasts following last night’s roast of Tom Brady on Netflix.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Dana Lashes of surd Truth podcast sponsoredby Keltech. It's his laugh mission to
make bad decisions. It's time forFlorida man. Yeah, what have we
told people about bodies of water inFlorida? What we told him over It's
(00:22):
gonna be a gator in there.I don't care if it's a puddle that's
the size of a dime, there'sa gator in it. A thirty four
year old man was rushed to thehospital because he went for a swim in
a Florida lake and guess what,an alligator bit him in the face.
Bit him in the face, anduh hillsborokinty Fine and Rescue transported the man.
They didn't identify, and they justsaid he had hint injuries and he
was taken to the Tampa hospital.But that's like, I'm telling you this,
(00:46):
gotta be careful this stuff. Howdo you get bit in the face?
Though? Were you just like doyou not see it? Does not
see it coming to you? Idon't know how that happens. This really
a man was stopped Miami International Airportwith snakes in his pants. I mean
we've all joked, I mean wehave Is that a snake in your pants
(01:07):
or you just know it is asnake. Officer, it's an actual physical
snake. They said that they detecteda literal bag of snakes in this dude's
pants, and they turned them overto Florida Fish and Wildlife. I mean,
I don't even I get weird aboutputting certain things in my pockets much
less like having like a bag ofsnakes and my they turn them over to
(01:32):
Florida Fish and Wildlife. And earlierwe had the story last week where a
dude try to get a machete throughsecurity. So yeah, you don't,
don't bring and it was in athey were in a sunglasses bag. Oh
I can't. I literally, ohyou can't see my arm, but I
legit got chills from that. Ijust oh, little, all right,
(01:57):
moving on. I don't like anythingin bags pants like that, like,
just no future politicians. Florida manwas accused of flinging hot coffee at McDonald's
drive the employee because he was overchargedby one cent. Las Ravello was charged
with felony battery and accused of slappinghot slapping hot coffee. I'd work this
(02:23):
out how this works in my head. Slapping hot coffee at an employee,
so I guess he slapped it insomebody's hands. The shift manager said that
Revella was upset because he was overchargedby a penny and he burnt, apparently
scalded the employee's arm and chest.The sixty four year old was charged with
felony battery and they yeah, sothey and he was unsurveillable. Six year
(02:44):
old goes into what you say allthe time, old people are not innocent.
That's not what I say. Isay not all old people are innocent.
I know. I was saying thata Florida, Okay, a Florida
man who was taking photos of propertythat he wants to buy was beaten to
a bloody pulp by a guy witha broomstick, said police Saint Petersburg property.
(03:09):
They don't give the identities, butthey said that he was he was
he was bludgeoned by this dude.I guess it was a property owner nearby.
Uh. And of course that guywas taken in for assault. They
didn't really they didn't give the identitiesof the guys. But you do have
to be careful with that kind ofstuff, Like you can't just like just
you know, just be mindful becauseother people are very you know, they're
(03:30):
mindful of property, and it doeslook weird if you're out, you know,
in the neighborhood and you're just randomlytaking pictures of you know, somebody's
house. That does get weird.Uh, let's see they've they have been.
Let's see. Do you guys rememberthe boat photo of people dumping trash.
They were illegal, they were juvenilesengaged in illegal trash dumping. They
(03:51):
turned themselves into the authorities on Friday. Florida Fish and Wildlife had launched this
investigation because they got tons of complaints. It was a viral video which they
were dumping mounds of trash. Imean, I didn't even know there was
that much trash on the boat,but there was apparently, and it was
a lot of like red solo cups. It was a Boka bash. They
were at Boco Bash and they filmedthis boat dumping two trash cans full of
(04:13):
garbage in the ocean. And theygot in trouble and they turned themselves in.
So at least they turned themselves in, but still like, you can't
do this and uh, a Floridaman assuing over an e game. We're
gonna have this tomorrow because this guy'sit's an esports immigration video game. Fight
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Dan to send you person. Let'stalk. Firstly, we want to talk
about a lot of topics that youaddress in the book. But the book
(06:27):
is called No Going Back, butit sounds like the publisher, Center Street
is going back on a couple ofthe details in the book. I don't
believe specifically when you write in thebook, I remember when I met with
North Korean dictator Kim Jong un.I'm sure he underestimated me. That,
as I understand, is now beingremoved from the book at your request.
Yes, and I became aware ofthat. We changed the content and the
(06:50):
future editions will be adjusted. Andyou know, I appreciate that I've met
with many, many world leaders,I've traveled around the world. I should
not to put that anecdote in thebook, and at my request they have.
I'm saying that I'm not talking aboutthat meeting. I'm not talking about
my meetings with world leaders. Andthere's some that are meeting with world leaders,
(07:11):
some that are in the book,and then there's some that's not in
the book. Many why actually specificmentions of meeting Kim Jong un and talking
about him and a specific memory.I'm sure he underestimated me, having no
clue about my experience staring down littletyrants? Did you tell your ghostwriter to
well, I specifically have worked onpolicy for over thirty years, and over
(07:33):
that time, I have traveled aroundthe world, and I have met with
leaders around the world, and thatanecdote I've asked them to change the content
and it will be removed. It'sa simple question, did you or did
you not? That's that's that's theanswer that I have for you is that
I'm it will be adjusted. Andas soon as I became aware of it
that content, I am dying todeath because that is so hard to watch.
(07:57):
Oh my gosh, that was Governorof christinoam We told you this last
week that in her book, whatis it called the gravel Pit My Career,
How I Killed it in the gravelPit that she wrote in her book,
she included in her book. Nowafter she writes about she tries to
(08:18):
have this like weird flex where shewrites about shooting her puppy. Then she
says that she stared down Kim Jongun and her own staff was like,
yeah, that didn't happen, andthat got out into the press, and
so then she goes on, Ceba, you didn't. That's like as much
as you're prepared, growing out crumblingunder pressure, and it's pressure that you
(08:39):
created because you light in your book. Why would you do this? This
is such a disaster. Who isher public center Street? Do they hate
her? Do they hate her?Because that's what you do to somebody if
you hate them, You put abunch of you celebrate you. You encourage
them to put all this nonsense intheir book, and then you go,
yeah, yeah, go out anddo let's excerpt this part and go on
(09:00):
and do all the press on itto hype your book. And then you
send her out there and she's justmauled on. She just mauled on the
Sunday Morning Show with like some delist anchor. I don't even know who
that lady is. Oh my gosh. And it took there and there were
all three sitting there and they werejust like, yeah, we're watching your
career die. Yeah, we're watchingyour your VP hopes and dreams just crash
(09:24):
and burn into the gravel pit thatyou created right after cricket. That's where
your career went. Oh my gosh, that's so uncomfortable to watch. Oh,
but it got worse. And bythe way, what she's mad that
everyone's talking about this these anecdotes thatshe says in the book, but she's
the one who put them in thebook. She put them in the book
(09:46):
because she wanted everyone to talk aboutthem. But she only wanted people to
talk about them in a way thatshe wanted them to talk about them.
She wanted everybody to be like,Oh my gosh, you're so tough gout
in her know them girl power?Uh uh, you're so tough, flex
harder queen. They wanted she wantedthat, She wanted that response, and
she didn't get that response. Sonow she's mad about it, and now
(10:07):
it's everyone else that's talking about itand hyping it up. Kane's just dying,
but it is, you know,it's true. Now she doesn't like
the way everybody's reacting to it.So now everybody has a problem and they're
all picking on her, and she'sthat vigdim Oh my god, me too.
And then it got worse because there'smore. Oh yes, it did,
there's more of this. This isthis is oh yeah audio sap at
(10:30):
eighteen. You talk multiple times aboutit. In fact, at the end
of the book you say the veryfirst thing you would do if you got
to the White House that was differentfrom Joe Biden is you'd make sure Joe
Biden's dog was nowhere on the grounds. Commander say hello to critic. Are
you doing this to try to looktough? Do you still she's looking identical
(10:52):
at this point? VP? Well, number one, Joe Biden's dog has
attacked twenty four Secret Service people.So how many people is enough people to
be attacked and dangerously hurt before youmake a decision on a dog and well
he's not living. That's a questionthat the president should be held accountable to.
You're saying you should be that thepresident should be accountable to? Is
(11:15):
what is? What is the number? And I would say about Republicans criticizing
me, these are the same Republicansthat criticized me during COVID. I mean
when you try to stay down butyour state legislatures stopped you. Those republicans
are when you wouldn't sign the billto protect women at women's sports. You
mean those Republicans that were criticizing you. Look, I'm not trying to be
ignorant. That have you seen christinnoaens six years ago compared to the Christie
(11:37):
knowam now with like the longer Idon't know if their extensions. Her face
is different, everything's different. I'mjust saying she's trying way too damn hard
and it's cringe. Stop it.I get it. Either she's trying to
be a real housewife of you know, DC, or she thought that that
was going to be her glow up, and that was going to that was
all part of her makeover to goand get into the Vice President's office.
(12:00):
But what she failed to do inher effort to have this glow up is
she failed to have a glow upto her actual voting record. She was
a moderate when she was in theHouse. Go and look at her.
There are a ton of other Republicanlawmakers when they served in the House of
Representatives that had a way more conservativerecord than she did. And she's a
moderate governor that's trying to wret conhistory and gaslight in everybody into thinking that
(12:22):
she's actually conservative and she's not.She almost shut her state down had it
not been for the Republican state legislaturethat stopped her and overrid her. She
would not protect women in women's sportsfrom men costplaying as women who wanted to
compete with women. In fact,she decled, she wouldn't sign it,
she vetoed it, and then theycame back with a different bill. So
(12:45):
this I mean, she flexes onall the wrong stuff. She's flexing on
her puppy, and then she doublesdown on it later in the book,
acting like she would have done thesame thing to commander that she did to
Cricket, so that right, thereis your evidence that she actually thought that
that was a smart idea, includessomething like that in the book. But
she's flexing on this stupidest stuff.And maybe she's flexing on the stupidest stuff
because she doesn't have anything else toflex on. She can't act like she's
(13:09):
Ron DeSantis, she can't act likeshe's even Brian Kemp because she doesn't have
that conservative of a record. Sheis a moderate at best who's playing on
the ignorance and the unfamiliarity that Americanvoters at large have with what she has
done previously, and she's trying tomake herself look like Sarah Palin two point
zero, except Pelin actually had kindof a conservative record, whereas Noam doesn't,
(13:31):
and Pylin didn't do all that stuffto herself, or as Gnoam did.
I'm not trying to be ignorant,but at some point you got to
stop going to the doctor's office,you know what I mean, Stop just
lay off it. I mean,when everybody starts looking indistinguishable and they start
looking like the same inflated real housewifeof whatever zip code, then it's a
little too much, and I justthink it makes Republicans look bad, especially
(13:52):
when you're trying so hard for higheroffice. No one else will say it,
so I will say it for youbecause I know you're all thinking it.
I mean, I'm glad at leastthe you know, I don't know
you, do you? But atthe same time be able to move your
face. No what see, guyscan't say that. I'm the only person
and commentary that can say it becauseI'm a check So you know what,
(14:15):
though I would not be, I'mstill nowhere near is indestructible as Tim Scott
would be if he ends up beingthe VP pick. So you think he's
going to be a VP pick,Kane tim Scott, Well, Steve was
talking about that on the break andI agreed because think about it, The
VP is the president of the Senate, he is a former senator. He
checks at least a couple of boxes, conservatively, is not in Florida number
(14:39):
one. And I think that,uh, you know, of all the
people in I guess in the running, there's a couple of governors that look
pretty good, but I don't know, it seems like Tim Scott could the
top of that list. Yeah,I mean, I don't to me if
you're a conservative, I mean,if you vote the way I want you
to vote, I don't care ifhave two heads, if you if you
(15:01):
if you're like, I'll abolish theI R S and also, uh protect
your Second Amendment rights by getting ridof the ATF and uh, you know,
protect life and liberty, et cetera. Okay, that you have three
heads, Okay, great, Idon't care you have two arms and three
heads. Wonderful. I don't evencare. I don't care. I don't
care. I just just come outand just you know, I'm just saying.
I'm not saying he is, butI'm just I hear. I hear
(15:22):
rumors from the same people that likerumor over the craziest stuff. But my
point of bringing that up is howunbelieve he would be like a boss in
a video game. You can't defeathim. He would be like an undefeatable
boss because he would check so manythings. He would be black if he
would A well Republican kind of cancelsthat out right. Isn't that what democrats
say? Yeah, because if youwere putting they call Byron Donald's like you
(15:46):
had you had white progressives on UncleTom all kinds of racist things. The
left can be racist, But ifyou're black and gay, does that two
of those neutralize the one? Howdoes that work? I'm sorry? And
the political identity publican, if you'rea gay, black Republican, does it
cancel out what the progressive say islike race tradering or whatever? Sure wish
(16:07):
it did, Danta, But beinga Republican unfortunately cancels out every other identity
that you have. Who is there? Who is there an expert on this?
Like DEI stupid stuff? Like whatis the math on that? But
isn't that like fantasy football or whatevery'all do? What do you do fantasy
football? Steve doesn't done it before? But what is Yeah? Okay,
(16:30):
so I would just think like twoof the boxes would cancel out that one
criticism, right? And that howthe logical non political world. You're absolutely
right. I don't know. Yeah, I'm just thinking like your fantasy football
brackets, like you know how youhave I'm just I'm I'm in my head.
It makes sense. I'm looking atit visually like all the political identity
(16:52):
stuff, like this political identity battlesthis one and then who wins out of
you know for fantasy football totally works. Like obviously, if you're a woman,
that's considered an identity politic. That'svaluable if you're a Democrat. So
it's like, how Deebo Samuel isalso a receiver and a running back?
Is that what you're saying? Oh, I see, depending on yeah,
which side of the bay zone fletchedposition you can use it both they get
(17:14):
points to Yeah, sure like thatyeah, like two like two powers.
I love how he just got that. And he's like, oh, that's
like, you know, say somethingsmart about football. So it's like,
yeah, kind of like what notReally it's more understanding. Actually, no,
you're right, whack bet is superunderstandable. Compared to how the left
deals with identity politics. I'm saying, it's like if so, if you're
a woman Democrat, you're a woman, then that, according to the left,
(17:37):
that's an identity political win, likean id a political id. Right,
But if you're a trans wait,a dude who pretends to be a
woman transman or is that a transwoman? I don't even know if you're
pretending to be so if you're afake woman and you're so a man pretending
to be a woman cancels out.It's like rock paper scissors, right,
(18:00):
So the trans the dude who's pretendingto be a chick will cancel out the
woman, right, So she's she'sscissors and he's rock. Good God almighty.
But I'm just trying to like illustratea point here. Yes, so
if you are black and gay andyou're a Republican in the world, what
(18:25):
is their new element in the rockpaper scissors identity politics game? What?
I just feel like that makes youindefeatable, you know what I mean.
You're like a voltron of political identitieslike you're you're a dead burnt lesbian,
or you're a one armed you're aRepublican one armed, black, gay,
(18:48):
trans right pirate, pirate who's toospirited. That's a lot. I mean,
you fashion all that up and you'relike a whole boss. Yeah,
and you can't even criticize them foranything or else. You're just going to
be a bigot on all those identities. It's like a chimera of different political
wtfs. That's what it is.So it's like the more you have,
(19:11):
I would think that that would beatit. I'm just saying like, yeah,
well, you know you think ourblack Republican is a race trader.
Well, he's all so gay,you big it? I mean, just
you know, And then the leftis like, oh, but he proposed
to his girlfriend in January. I'mjust I'm assuming as strictly for you know,
like strategy with identity power. I'mright with you, I'm right along
(19:33):
with you. I just think thatthe way the climate is and the way
it's been for a while is thatif any one of your labels is Republican,
that is the only one you're allowedto have. You cannot have any
other identity under that. If you'rea Republican, you're just automatically evil and
bad. And even if you're gay, one armed pirate with a limp,
dead burnt lesbian, that too,it won't matter because you're Republican. Gosh,
(19:59):
okay, So that's not fair.You can't have No, it's not
fair. You can't you can benot Republican. If you're a Republican.
It cancels that all of your otheridentity politics. The left doesn't get to
make up their own rules. True, I call shenanigans. How is it
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(21:30):
all of the news you would probablymiss, it's time for Dana's Quick five.
Well, monkey pox keeps going up. They keep having why I can't
even get the sentence out, andone's already over there, like gigglin,
he's already. Monkey Pox cases havespiked in New York City. They say
now that they're averaging dozens of casesa month. Dozens of cases a month.
(21:52):
Now you can't you're not supposed tocall it monkeypox. You're supposed to
call it that handsome sum mpox bitdapa anyway, monkey pox, which is
it's an STD. It's an STDthat is predominantly in a dude's plus dude's
type of scenario. To get mydrift. And they said that they've been
averaging since October thirty six cases amonth, which is a spike that it
(22:18):
went from two to twenty cases permonth. And then now it's at thirty
six cases per month because people won'tstop being skanks. So stop being skanks.
That's just there's your The more youknow, this vehicle apparently crashed into
a White House gate, killing thedriver. Secret Services no threat, I
mean, unless you know they wereoutside there by the gate. That's kind
of still scary. It was avehicle traveling at a high rate of speed
(22:41):
a crash right into the White HouseComplex Lake Saturday, killing the driver,
according to the US Secret Service.They said it was a barricade just before
ten thirty pm. That's where thecar crashed. They said security protocols were
implemented. Officers cleared the vehicle,they rendered aid, and they said that
was pretty much the end of it. But it's still being investigated only as
a traffic crash. The oh mygosh, I ignored this headline for the
(23:02):
longest time. The s Furry Convention, Do I really want to do this?
It is the sixth largest furry conin history and it was at apparently
in Seattle, and apparently at theevent went off the rails when someone loosened
a bold on one of the toiletsand it flooded. And then in addition
(23:22):
to that, apparently there was drinkand drugs and complete and it was bad.
It was bad as people dressed upas animal costumes and they it was
just horrible. Everything, every bitof debaucher you can think of, it
happened. It happened there. Sonow I don't think the hotel wants to
host furry Con anymore. Yeah,I don't. I don't think so either.
(23:45):
This Citik Khan was re elected Mayorof London and the latest win for
the Labor Party. He was reelected. Yeah, I know. I
was looking at the vote breakdown ofthis the two term. They say he's
er left. He's a straight upsocialist. He's a British hating socialist.
He's the first three time winner bya clearer margin than some of his supporters
(24:07):
that ever predicted Labor Party, whichis the socialist party essentially, it's what
it is. They call it Laborfor their socialists. He was first elected,
he was from the main opposition LaborParty. He was initially elected to
the post in twenty sixteen. Nowhe's won three consecutive terms, so that's
that's the latest. And then nowthey've been using there's people who've got a
hangovers. They've been doing vitamins andmineral drips for them. It's the Ivy
(24:30):
drip. This has been going alongin popularity for the past ten years.
So this isn't anything new, notmy thing, So I'm gonna keep this
short light bronch bus. Actually,let me get into this real quick.
It pisses me off. I flewall the way out here and you guys
give me sixty seconds. My nameis Dana. Is that not trans enough
(24:52):
for your lips? As Dana Whiteat the roast, the Tom Brady Roast,
which all those roasts seem awkward theydo, right, Welcome back to
the program, Dane Lash with youbottom of this third hour. That was
Dana White, UFC. He theygave him sixty seconds. You're going to
bring out Dana White and only havehim talk for sixty seconds. It's kind
of lame. I don't understand thepoint of modern day roast. Like back
(25:15):
in the day. I mean Iwasn't alive, but I watched like rebroadcasts
of it though, but they hadlike the rat pack, right, yeah,
yeah, yeah. They did theDean Martin ROAs and you know why
it was so funny because all thosedudes were friends. All those dudes knew
each other and they were funny andthey were friends. And I mean,
(25:37):
I watched there's a couple of them. I watched and they roasted their other
friends and they were all out therejust dying. Like my favorite was watching
Sam with Davis Junior fallout. Everytime that man was crying. Dean Martin,
who I don't think I read,didn't really drink it. He just
kind of acted like he was slashedud helash. Now I read that he
was kind of like a thing.You may have read that. Who was
the guy who was the comedie whohis whole stick was. He was totally
(26:03):
drunk and barely, like, couldbarely talk. He went up, I
can't remember. It was a roastto somebody. It was I cannot think
of the comics name. But hewent up and was like doing a bit
about the dude's wife and how hewas kind of had an affair with the
guy's wife. It was so funny. Jeff Ross, No, no,
this is older than Jeff Ross.This is a rat pack style. Oh
rats yeah, yeah, yeah,I like the old ones because these are
(26:25):
lame. These are so stupid.Nobody there are a bunch of people that
get up and they have They don'tknow each other, they don't hang out
with each other. Do you honestlybelieve that Tom Brady and Kim Kardashian and
Jeff Ross all hang out. No, they don't. And Dana White they
all just hang out. They're allbuddies. My favorite part of the the
uh Dean Martin roasts was that DonRickles got through John Rickles. That was
(26:45):
the one. I watched the roastof Don Ritchels, and it was this
dude who got up, This olddude. He had white hair and like
white hair, like Santa fake SantaBeard, white like it was tufted.
It was so white it's ceased beinghair. It was just like poof.
And he gets up and it waslike and it was a whole thing.
(27:07):
It was like a whole put on. But he was so funny. They
were hysterical, and that's why theyall knew each other, and they all
had that camaraderie. You don't havethat with this. It's just very clinical.
And they're like, Okay, you'rethe comedians, so you host,
and you're the pop culture whatever,a person in pop culture, and you're
the athlete and you're It's just itseems cold and impersonal, doesn't it.
(27:32):
I don't like them. I neverwatch those. They're all lame. They're
all so lame, and it's onlythere. The shock value is the only
thing that's actually in Christ. Ithasn't been like that. They don't even
write their own stuff, Yeah,exactly. Don't. You don't think Kim
Kardashian wrote her own jokes, No, you don't. Jeff Ross probably also
had a ghostwriter. I don't evenknow. And you can tell that they
don't like it. You can tellthat they don't hang out because there was
at one point when Tom Brady gotup. He made a joke, Jeff
(27:57):
Ross made a joke about craft anduh, Tom Brady got mad about it,
like in the middle of it,went up and stage whispered right by
the mic, like knock that blankOffah, yeah, don't do it again,
don't say that blank again, andwent and said they don't even know
each other well enough to So it'sjust impersonal and it's weird, and it
(28:18):
just seems who would watch that.It's like a humiliation thing for some of
these people, like they almost likea ritual. It's weird and who was
not even all at this roast.I don't even know. I had no
interest in watching it all whatsoever.I don't even Tom Brady didn't even look
like he liked being there. JeffRoss, I don't even think like being
there. They had like a coupleof people, what Bill Belichick was there?
(28:41):
And then I don't know. KevinHart was Kevin Hart. Kevin Heart's
funny. But do I actually thinkthat he hangs out with Tom Brady.
No, Kevin Hart is I thinkone of the funniest comedians right now.
He is hysterical. But do Iactually think they hang out with Tom Brady?
They don't hang out. This isso stupid. This is what I
(29:02):
hate. It's like, let's justgo ahead, Central Casting, Let's go
ahead and pick celebrities to roast TomBrady. So Kevin Hart hosted it,
though, uh? And who else? Yea, Jeff Roy, I don't
even know who all the other thesepeople are. You had some other guy
that I've never seen before. Youhad Rob gronsk Gronkowski, who's there?
(29:22):
Okay, I get it, butthat's it. Like there's only like a
few of them that hang out,and that's you know, this is it's
dumb, nobody watches that. Nobody'sgonna watch that. Those are people that
are gonna watch Skibity Toilet like wewere just talking about on break, don't
watch this like two people out inour audience knew who that was. Thanks
for tuning in to today's edition ofDana Lash's Absurd Footh podcast. If you
(29:45):
haven't already, made sure to hitthat subscribe button on Apple Podcasts, Spotify,
wherever you get your podcasts.
Dana Lashes of surd Truth podcast sponsoredby Keltech. It's his laugh mission to
make bad decisions. It's time forFlorida man. Yeah, what have we
told people about bodies of water inFlorida? What we told him over It's
(00:22):
gonna be a gator in there.I don't care if it's a puddle that's
the size of a dime, there'sa gator in it. A thirty four
year old man was rushed to thehospital because he went for a swim in
a Florida lake and guess what,an alligator bit him in the face.
Bit him in the face, anduh hillsborokinty Fine and Rescue transported the man.
They didn't identify, and they justsaid he had hint injuries and he
was taken to the Tampa hospital.But that's like, I'm telling you this,
(00:46):
gotta be careful this stuff. Howdo you get bit in the face?
Though? Were you just like doyou not see it? Does not
see it coming to you? Idon't know how that happens. This really
a man was stopped Miami International Airportwith snakes in his pants. I mean
we've all joked, I mean wehave Is that a snake in your pants
(01:07):
or you just know it is asnake. Officer, it's an actual physical
snake. They said that they detecteda literal bag of snakes in this dude's
pants, and they turned them overto Florida Fish and Wildlife. I mean,
I don't even I get weird aboutputting certain things in my pockets much
less like having like a bag ofsnakes and my they turn them over to
(01:32):
Florida Fish and Wildlife. And earlierwe had the story last week where a
dude try to get a machete throughsecurity. So yeah, you don't,
don't bring and it was in athey were in a sunglasses bag. Oh
I can't. I literally, ohyou can't see my arm, but I
legit got chills from that. Ijust oh, little, all right,
(01:57):
moving on. I don't like anythingin bags pants like that, like,
just no future politicians. Florida manwas accused of flinging hot coffee at McDonald's
drive the employee because he was overchargedby one cent. Las Ravello was charged
with felony battery and accused of slappinghot slapping hot coffee. I'd work this
(02:23):
out how this works in my head. Slapping hot coffee at an employee,
so I guess he slapped it insomebody's hands. The shift manager said that
Revella was upset because he was overchargedby a penny and he burnt, apparently
scalded the employee's arm and chest.The sixty four year old was charged with
felony battery and they yeah, sothey and he was unsurveillable. Six year
(02:44):
old goes into what you say allthe time, old people are not innocent.
That's not what I say. Isay not all old people are innocent.
I know. I was saying thata Florida, Okay, a Florida
man who was taking photos of propertythat he wants to buy was beaten to
a bloody pulp by a guy witha broomstick, said police Saint Petersburg property.
(03:09):
They don't give the identities, butthey said that he was he was
he was bludgeoned by this dude.I guess it was a property owner nearby.
Uh. And of course that guywas taken in for assault. They
didn't really they didn't give the identitiesof the guys. But you do have
to be careful with that kind ofstuff, Like you can't just like just
you know, just be mindful becauseother people are very you know, they're
(03:30):
mindful of property, and it doeslook weird if you're out, you know,
in the neighborhood and you're just randomlytaking pictures of you know, somebody's
house. That does get weird.Uh, let's see they've they have been.
Let's see. Do you guys rememberthe boat photo of people dumping trash.
They were illegal, they were juvenilesengaged in illegal trash dumping. They
(03:51):
turned themselves into the authorities on Friday. Florida Fish and Wildlife had launched this
investigation because they got tons of complaints. It was a viral video which they
were dumping mounds of trash. Imean, I didn't even know there was
that much trash on the boat,but there was apparently, and it was
a lot of like red solo cups. It was a Boka bash. They
were at Boco Bash and they filmedthis boat dumping two trash cans full of
(04:13):
garbage in the ocean. And theygot in trouble and they turned themselves in.
So at least they turned themselves in, but still like, you can't
do this and uh, a Floridaman assuing over an e game. We're
gonna have this tomorrow because this guy'sit's an esports immigration video game. Fight
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Dan to send you person. Let'stalk. Firstly, we want to talk
about a lot of topics that youaddress in the book. But the book
(06:27):
is called No Going Back, butit sounds like the publisher, Center Street
is going back on a couple ofthe details in the book. I don't
believe specifically when you write in thebook, I remember when I met with
North Korean dictator Kim Jong un.I'm sure he underestimated me. That,
as I understand, is now beingremoved from the book at your request.
Yes, and I became aware ofthat. We changed the content and the
(06:50):
future editions will be adjusted. Andyou know, I appreciate that I've met
with many, many world leaders,I've traveled around the world. I should
not to put that anecdote in thebook, and at my request they have.
I'm saying that I'm not talking aboutthat meeting. I'm not talking about
my meetings with world leaders. Andthere's some that are meeting with world leaders,
(07:11):
some that are in the book,and then there's some that's not in
the book. Many why actually specificmentions of meeting Kim Jong un and talking
about him and a specific memory.I'm sure he underestimated me, having no
clue about my experience staring down littletyrants? Did you tell your ghostwriter to
well, I specifically have worked onpolicy for over thirty years, and over
(07:33):
that time, I have traveled aroundthe world, and I have met with
leaders around the world, and thatanecdote I've asked them to change the content
and it will be removed. It'sa simple question, did you or did
you not? That's that's that's theanswer that I have for you is that
I'm it will be adjusted. Andas soon as I became aware of it
that content, I am dying todeath because that is so hard to watch.
(07:57):
Oh my gosh, that was Governorof christinoam We told you this last
week that in her book, whatis it called the gravel Pit My Career,
How I Killed it in the gravelPit that she wrote in her book,
she included in her book. Nowafter she writes about she tries to
(08:18):
have this like weird flex where shewrites about shooting her puppy. Then she
says that she stared down Kim Jongun and her own staff was like,
yeah, that didn't happen, andthat got out into the press, and
so then she goes on, Ceba, you didn't. That's like as much
as you're prepared, growing out crumblingunder pressure, and it's pressure that you
(08:39):
created because you light in your book. Why would you do this? This
is such a disaster. Who isher public center Street? Do they hate
her? Do they hate her?Because that's what you do to somebody if
you hate them, You put abunch of you celebrate you. You encourage
them to put all this nonsense intheir book, and then you go,
yeah, yeah, go out anddo let's excerpt this part and go on
(09:00):
and do all the press on itto hype your book. And then you
send her out there and she's justmauled on. She just mauled on the
Sunday Morning Show with like some delist anchor. I don't even know who
that lady is. Oh my gosh. And it took there and there were
all three sitting there and they werejust like, yeah, we're watching your
career die. Yeah, we're watchingyour your VP hopes and dreams just crash
(09:24):
and burn into the gravel pit thatyou created right after cricket. That's where
your career went. Oh my gosh, that's so uncomfortable to watch. Oh,
but it got worse. And bythe way, what she's mad that
everyone's talking about this these anecdotes thatshe says in the book, but she's
the one who put them in thebook. She put them in the book
(09:46):
because she wanted everyone to talk aboutthem. But she only wanted people to
talk about them in a way thatshe wanted them to talk about them.
She wanted everybody to be like,Oh my gosh, you're so tough gout
in her know them girl power?Uh uh, you're so tough, flex
harder queen. They wanted she wantedthat, She wanted that response, and
she didn't get that response. Sonow she's mad about it, and now
(10:07):
it's everyone else that's talking about itand hyping it up. Kane's just dying,
but it is, you know,it's true. Now she doesn't like
the way everybody's reacting to it.So now everybody has a problem and they're
all picking on her, and she'sthat vigdim Oh my god, me too.
And then it got worse because there'smore. Oh yes, it did,
there's more of this. This isthis is oh yeah audio sap at
(10:30):
eighteen. You talk multiple times aboutit. In fact, at the end
of the book you say the veryfirst thing you would do if you got
to the White House that was differentfrom Joe Biden is you'd make sure Joe
Biden's dog was nowhere on the grounds. Commander say hello to critic. Are
you doing this to try to looktough? Do you still she's looking identical
(10:52):
at this point? VP? Well, number one, Joe Biden's dog has
attacked twenty four Secret Service people.So how many people is enough people to
be attacked and dangerously hurt before youmake a decision on a dog and well
he's not living. That's a questionthat the president should be held accountable to.
You're saying you should be that thepresident should be accountable to? Is
(11:15):
what is? What is the number? And I would say about Republicans criticizing
me, these are the same Republicansthat criticized me during COVID. I mean
when you try to stay down butyour state legislatures stopped you. Those republicans
are when you wouldn't sign the billto protect women at women's sports. You
mean those Republicans that were criticizing you. Look, I'm not trying to be
ignorant. That have you seen christinnoaens six years ago compared to the Christie
(11:37):
knowam now with like the longer Idon't know if their extensions. Her face
is different, everything's different. I'mjust saying she's trying way too damn hard
and it's cringe. Stop it.I get it. Either she's trying to
be a real housewife of you know, DC, or she thought that that
was going to be her glow up, and that was going to that was
all part of her makeover to goand get into the Vice President's office.
(12:00):
But what she failed to do inher effort to have this glow up is
she failed to have a glow upto her actual voting record. She was
a moderate when she was in theHouse. Go and look at her.
There are a ton of other Republicanlawmakers when they served in the House of
Representatives that had a way more conservativerecord than she did. And she's a
moderate governor that's trying to wret conhistory and gaslight in everybody into thinking that
(12:22):
she's actually conservative and she's not.She almost shut her state down had it
not been for the Republican state legislaturethat stopped her and overrid her. She
would not protect women in women's sportsfrom men costplaying as women who wanted to
compete with women. In fact,she decled, she wouldn't sign it,
she vetoed it, and then theycame back with a different bill. So
(12:45):
this I mean, she flexes onall the wrong stuff. She's flexing on
her puppy, and then she doublesdown on it later in the book,
acting like she would have done thesame thing to commander that she did to
Cricket, so that right, thereis your evidence that she actually thought that
that was a smart idea, includessomething like that in the book. But
she's flexing on this stupidest stuff.And maybe she's flexing on the stupidest stuff
because she doesn't have anything else toflex on. She can't act like she's
(13:09):
Ron DeSantis, she can't act likeshe's even Brian Kemp because she doesn't have
that conservative of a record. Sheis a moderate at best who's playing on
the ignorance and the unfamiliarity that Americanvoters at large have with what she has
done previously, and she's trying tomake herself look like Sarah Palin two point
zero, except Pelin actually had kindof a conservative record, whereas Noam doesn't,
(13:31):
and Pylin didn't do all that stuffto herself, or as Gnoam did.
I'm not trying to be ignorant,but at some point you got to
stop going to the doctor's office,you know what I mean, Stop just
lay off it. I mean,when everybody starts looking indistinguishable and they start
looking like the same inflated real housewifeof whatever zip code, then it's a
little too much, and I justthink it makes Republicans look bad, especially
(13:52):
when you're trying so hard for higheroffice. No one else will say it,
so I will say it for youbecause I know you're all thinking it.
I mean, I'm glad at leastthe you know, I don't know
you, do you? But atthe same time be able to move your
face. No what see, guyscan't say that. I'm the only person
and commentary that can say it becauseI'm a check So you know what,
(14:15):
though I would not be, I'mstill nowhere near is indestructible as Tim Scott
would be if he ends up beingthe VP pick. So you think he's
going to be a VP pick,Kane tim Scott, Well, Steve was
talking about that on the break andI agreed because think about it, The
VP is the president of the Senate, he is a former senator. He
checks at least a couple of boxes, conservatively, is not in Florida number
(14:39):
one. And I think that,uh, you know, of all the
people in I guess in the running, there's a couple of governors that look
pretty good, but I don't know, it seems like Tim Scott could the
top of that list. Yeah,I mean, I don't to me if
you're a conservative, I mean,if you vote the way I want you
to vote, I don't care ifhave two heads, if you if you
(15:01):
if you're like, I'll abolish theI R S and also, uh protect
your Second Amendment rights by getting ridof the ATF and uh, you know,
protect life and liberty, et cetera. Okay, that you have three
heads, Okay, great, Idon't care you have two arms and three
heads. Wonderful. I don't evencare. I don't care. I don't
care. I just just come outand just you know, I'm just saying.
I'm not saying he is, butI'm just I hear. I hear
(15:22):
rumors from the same people that likerumor over the craziest stuff. But my
point of bringing that up is howunbelieve he would be like a boss in
a video game. You can't defeathim. He would be like an undefeatable
boss because he would check so manythings. He would be black if he
would A well Republican kind of cancelsthat out right. Isn't that what democrats
say? Yeah, because if youwere putting they call Byron Donald's like you
(15:46):
had you had white progressives on UncleTom all kinds of racist things. The
left can be racist, But ifyou're black and gay, does that two
of those neutralize the one? Howdoes that work? I'm sorry? And
the political identity publican, if you'rea gay, black Republican, does it
cancel out what the progressive say islike race tradering or whatever? Sure wish
(16:07):
it did, Danta, But beinga Republican unfortunately cancels out every other identity
that you have. Who is there? Who is there an expert on this?
Like DEI stupid stuff? Like whatis the math on that? But
isn't that like fantasy football or whatevery'all do? What do you do fantasy
football? Steve doesn't done it before? But what is Yeah? Okay,
(16:30):
so I would just think like twoof the boxes would cancel out that one
criticism, right? And that howthe logical non political world. You're absolutely
right. I don't know. Yeah, I'm just thinking like your fantasy football
brackets, like you know how youhave I'm just I'm I'm in my head.
It makes sense. I'm looking atit visually like all the political identity
(16:52):
stuff, like this political identity battlesthis one and then who wins out of
you know for fantasy football totally works. Like obviously, if you're a woman,
that's considered an identity politic. That'svaluable if you're a Democrat. So
it's like, how Deebo Samuel isalso a receiver and a running back?
Is that what you're saying? Oh, I see, depending on yeah,
which side of the bay zone fletchedposition you can use it both they get
(17:14):
points to Yeah, sure like thatyeah, like two like two powers.
I love how he just got that. And he's like, oh, that's
like, you know, say somethingsmart about football. So it's like,
yeah, kind of like what notReally it's more understanding. Actually, no,
you're right, whack bet is superunderstandable. Compared to how the left
deals with identity politics. I'm saying, it's like if so, if you're
a woman Democrat, you're a woman, then that, according to the left,
(17:37):
that's an identity political win, likean id a political id. Right,
But if you're a trans wait,a dude who pretends to be a
woman transman or is that a transwoman? I don't even know if you're
pretending to be so if you're afake woman and you're so a man pretending
to be a woman cancels out.It's like rock paper scissors, right,
(18:00):
So the trans the dude who's pretendingto be a chick will cancel out the
woman, right, So she's she'sscissors and he's rock. Good God almighty.
But I'm just trying to like illustratea point here. Yes, so
if you are black and gay andyou're a Republican in the world, what
(18:25):
is their new element in the rockpaper scissors identity politics game? What?
I just feel like that makes youindefeatable, you know what I mean.
You're like a voltron of political identitieslike you're you're a dead burnt lesbian,
or you're a one armed you're aRepublican one armed, black, gay,
(18:48):
trans right pirate, pirate who's toospirited. That's a lot. I mean,
you fashion all that up and you'relike a whole boss. Yeah,
and you can't even criticize them foranything or else. You're just going to
be a bigot on all those identities. It's like a chimera of different political
wtfs. That's what it is.So it's like the more you have,
(19:11):
I would think that that would beatit. I'm just saying like, yeah,
well, you know you think ourblack Republican is a race trader.
Well, he's all so gay,you big it? I mean, just
you know, And then the leftis like, oh, but he proposed
to his girlfriend in January. I'mjust I'm assuming as strictly for you know,
like strategy with identity power. I'mright with you, I'm right along
(19:33):
with you. I just think thatthe way the climate is and the way
it's been for a while is thatif any one of your labels is Republican,
that is the only one you're allowedto have. You cannot have any
other identity under that. If you'rea Republican, you're just automatically evil and
bad. And even if you're gay, one armed pirate with a limp,
dead burnt lesbian, that too,it won't matter because you're Republican. Gosh,
(19:59):
okay, So that's not fair.You can't have No, it's not
fair. You can't you can benot Republican. If you're a Republican.
It cancels that all of your otheridentity politics. The left doesn't get to
make up their own rules. True, I call shenanigans. How is it
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(21:30):
all of the news you would probablymiss, it's time for Dana's Quick five.
Well, monkey pox keeps going up. They keep having why I can't
even get the sentence out, andone's already over there, like gigglin,
he's already. Monkey Pox cases havespiked in New York City. They say
now that they're averaging dozens of casesa month. Dozens of cases a month.
(21:52):
Now you can't you're not supposed tocall it monkeypox. You're supposed to
call it that handsome sum mpox bitdapa anyway, monkey pox, which is
it's an STD. It's an STDthat is predominantly in a dude's plus dude's
type of scenario. To get mydrift. And they said that they've been
averaging since October thirty six cases amonth, which is a spike that it
(22:18):
went from two to twenty cases permonth. And then now it's at thirty
six cases per month because people won'tstop being skanks. So stop being skanks.
That's just there's your The more youknow, this vehicle apparently crashed into
a White House gate, killing thedriver. Secret Services no threat, I
mean, unless you know they wereoutside there by the gate. That's kind
of still scary. It was avehicle traveling at a high rate of speed
(22:41):
a crash right into the White HouseComplex Lake Saturday, killing the driver,
according to the US Secret Service.They said it was a barricade just before
ten thirty pm. That's where thecar crashed. They said security protocols were
implemented. Officers cleared the vehicle,they rendered aid, and they said that
was pretty much the end of it. But it's still being investigated only as
a traffic crash. The oh mygosh, I ignored this headline for the
(23:02):
longest time. The s Furry Convention, Do I really want to do this?
It is the sixth largest furry conin history and it was at apparently
in Seattle, and apparently at theevent went off the rails when someone loosened
a bold on one of the toiletsand it flooded. And then in addition
(23:22):
to that, apparently there was drinkand drugs and complete and it was bad.
It was bad as people dressed upas animal costumes and they it was
just horrible. Everything, every bitof debaucher you can think of, it
happened. It happened there. Sonow I don't think the hotel wants to
host furry Con anymore. Yeah,I don't. I don't think so either.
(23:45):
This Citik Khan was re elected Mayorof London and the latest win for
the Labor Party. He was reelected. Yeah, I know. I
was looking at the vote breakdown ofthis the two term. They say he's
er left. He's a straight upsocialist. He's a British hating socialist.
He's the first three time winner bya clearer margin than some of his supporters
(24:07):
that ever predicted Labor Party, whichis the socialist party essentially, it's what
it is. They call it Laborfor their socialists. He was first elected,
he was from the main opposition LaborParty. He was initially elected to
the post in twenty sixteen. Nowhe's won three consecutive terms, so that's
that's the latest. And then nowthey've been using there's people who've got a
hangovers. They've been doing vitamins andmineral drips for them. It's the Ivy
(24:30):
drip. This has been going alongin popularity for the past ten years.
So this isn't anything new, notmy thing, So I'm gonna keep this
short light bronch bus. Actually,let me get into this real quick.
It pisses me off. I flewall the way out here and you guys
give me sixty seconds. My nameis Dana. Is that not trans enough
(24:52):
for your lips? As Dana Whiteat the roast, the Tom Brady Roast,
which all those roasts seem awkward theydo, right, Welcome back to
the program, Dane Lash with youbottom of this third hour. That was
Dana White, UFC. He theygave him sixty seconds. You're going to
bring out Dana White and only havehim talk for sixty seconds. It's kind
of lame. I don't understand thepoint of modern day roast. Like back
(25:15):
in the day. I mean Iwasn't alive, but I watched like rebroadcasts
of it though, but they hadlike the rat pack, right, yeah,
yeah, yeah. They did theDean Martin ROAs and you know why
it was so funny because all thosedudes were friends. All those dudes knew
each other and they were funny andthey were friends. And I mean,
(25:37):
I watched there's a couple of them. I watched and they roasted their other
friends and they were all out therejust dying. Like my favorite was watching
Sam with Davis Junior fallout. Everytime that man was crying. Dean Martin,
who I don't think I read,didn't really drink it. He just
kind of acted like he was slashedud helash. Now I read that he
was kind of like a thing.You may have read that. Who was
the guy who was the comedie whohis whole stick was. He was totally
(26:03):
drunk and barely, like, couldbarely talk. He went up, I
can't remember. It was a roastto somebody. It was I cannot think
of the comics name. But hewent up and was like doing a bit
about the dude's wife and how hewas kind of had an affair with the
guy's wife. It was so funny. Jeff Ross, No, no,
this is older than Jeff Ross.This is a rat pack style. Oh
rats yeah, yeah, yeah,I like the old ones because these are
(26:25):
lame. These are so stupid.Nobody there are a bunch of people that
get up and they have They don'tknow each other, they don't hang out
with each other. Do you honestlybelieve that Tom Brady and Kim Kardashian and
Jeff Ross all hang out. No, they don't. And Dana White they
all just hang out. They're allbuddies. My favorite part of the the
uh Dean Martin roasts was that DonRickles got through John Rickles. That was
(26:45):
the one. I watched the roastof Don Ritchels, and it was this
dude who got up, This olddude. He had white hair and like
white hair, like Santa fake SantaBeard, white like it was tufted.
It was so white it's ceased beinghair. It was just like poof.
And he gets up and it waslike and it was a whole thing.
(27:07):
It was like a whole put on. But he was so funny. They
were hysterical, and that's why theyall knew each other, and they all
had that camaraderie. You don't havethat with this. It's just very clinical.
And they're like, Okay, you'rethe comedians, so you host,
and you're the pop culture whatever,a person in pop culture, and you're
the athlete and you're It's just itseems cold and impersonal, doesn't it.
(27:32):
I don't like them. I neverwatch those. They're all lame. They're
all so lame, and it's onlythere. The shock value is the only
thing that's actually in Christ. Ithasn't been like that. They don't even
write their own stuff, Yeah,exactly. Don't. You don't think Kim
Kardashian wrote her own jokes, No, you don't. Jeff Ross probably also
had a ghostwriter. I don't evenknow. And you can tell that they
don't like it. You can tellthat they don't hang out because there was
at one point when Tom Brady gotup. He made a joke, Jeff
(27:57):
Ross made a joke about craft anduh, Tom Brady got mad about it,
like in the middle of it,went up and stage whispered right by
the mic, like knock that blankOffah, yeah, don't do it again,
don't say that blank again, andwent and said they don't even know
each other well enough to So it'sjust impersonal and it's weird, and it
(28:18):
just seems who would watch that.It's like a humiliation thing for some of
these people, like they almost likea ritual. It's weird and who was
not even all at this roast.I don't even know. I had no
interest in watching it all whatsoever.I don't even Tom Brady didn't even look
like he liked being there. JeffRoss, I don't even think like being
there. They had like a coupleof people, what Bill Belichick was there?
(28:41):
And then I don't know. KevinHart was Kevin Hart. Kevin Heart's
funny. But do I actually thinkthat he hangs out with Tom Brady.
No, Kevin Hart is I thinkone of the funniest comedians right now.
He is hysterical. But do Iactually think they hang out with Tom Brady?
They don't hang out. This isso stupid. This is what I
(29:02):
hate. It's like, let's justgo ahead, Central Casting, Let's go
ahead and pick celebrities to roast TomBrady. So Kevin Hart hosted it,
though, uh? And who else? Yea, Jeff Roy, I don't
even know who all the other thesepeople are. You had some other guy
that I've never seen before. Youhad Rob gronsk Gronkowski, who's there?
(29:22):
Okay, I get it, butthat's it. Like there's only like a
few of them that hang out,and that's you know, this is it's
dumb, nobody watches that. Nobody'sgonna watch that. Those are people that
are gonna watch Skibity Toilet like wewere just talking about on break, don't
watch this like two people out inour audience knew who that was. Thanks
for tuning in to today's edition ofDana Lash's Absurd Footh podcast. If you
(29:45):
haven't already, made sure to hitthat subscribe button on Apple Podcasts, Spotify,
wherever you get your podcasts.
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