June 14, 2025 • 36 mins
Tim Beveridge is joined by Parenting Expert John Cowan to talk about in-laws problems, and side-line behaviour.
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Speaker 1 (00:05):
You're listening to the Weekend Collective podcast from News Talks.
Speaker 2 (00:37):
And welcome back to the Weekend Collective. I'm Tim Beveridge.
That's a little bit of Beach Boys, of course, following
the news of the Brian Wilson passing away fun fact
on the Beach Boys fun fact, I always always I'd
fallen for it. I assumed they were a bunch of
sort of California guys who used to hang out at
the beach and play a bit of music. One of
them couldn't even swim. They were just called the Beach
(00:57):
Boys to tie on with that sort of It was
just a marketing thing and I was assumed that they
had that.
Speaker 3 (01:03):
Well.
Speaker 2 (01:03):
They did write a song called California Girls, which tied
into it as well, anyway, didn't they Anyway, That's why
we're playing a little bit of the Beach Boys from
time to time. And that by the way, if you
have missed any of the previous hours, the Wonder if
Ready a show with a new guest. Martin Kubb from Harcotts,
Cooper and Co. Was with us to just talk about
that devexed question of CVS. You can go and check
(01:24):
out any of that by looking to podcast on iHeartRadio
or news talk set.
Speaker 4 (01:29):
Beatt curt In z.
Speaker 2 (01:30):
And an animated panel as always with the professor of chemistry,
Alan Blackman joined us along with Simon Wilson, a senior
in New Zealand Herald, to talk about the day's issues.
Check it out, you know how to find it, just
go and track it down. Always great fun. Right now though,
guess what it's time for the parents squad. And it's
(01:50):
I mean, another esteemed guest on the show who needs
no introduction. I don't think he does. In fact, you
could just start talking. Anyone will know who it is.
Come on, let's go. It's John cow And Hi, John Han.
Speaker 4 (02:01):
It's great to be back. You're looking well, thank you. Yeah.
So what's been keeping out of mister Flateley?
Speaker 3 (02:06):
Oh?
Speaker 5 (02:07):
When for a bike ride this morning? And because I
pride myself to be able to read weather maps and think, ah,
yes they're pretecting showers, but it's going to be here
and then. And it was pretty right right until I
got absolutely drenched right at the end.
Speaker 4 (02:20):
But there you go. Have a weather map. So you
were looking at.
Speaker 5 (02:24):
The well, I look at met service ones, but they're
a bit hard to zoom in on. But there's ones
called weathermap dot com I think it is, and they
have a couple of different algorithms, and I reckon they
give you a pretty clear idea of when and where
weather is going to be happening.
Speaker 2 (02:39):
Okay, I'm going to see you and raise you on
that because I for to use poker demonology is somebody
I can't remember when, who, how or whatever said, check out.
This app is the most accurate weather app out hour
I've ever seen worked with. And it's ironically it's primary function.
(03:02):
When you log into it, it's called windy and the
first screen you see is it's all about wind direction.
But there are other screens. We can go rain, thunder
and new snow, and it's called windy.
Speaker 4 (03:12):
And I predicted that.
Speaker 2 (03:14):
One morning my daughter had hockey practice and the weather
it was like, it's going to be allf what's going
to be showers, going to be this and this, and
from six thirty or seven o'clock until late thirty, which
is when how long hock practice goes. I looked at
it and said, it's going to be fine, and just
in this area it's going to be fine. And you
know what it was and I was like, I felt
so smug.
Speaker 4 (03:34):
Yeah, I know.
Speaker 5 (03:35):
Most people just look at the icons, the you know,
the cloudy, sunny, ainey icons on their phone and go.
Speaker 4 (03:41):
Oh no, that's what the weather's going to be.
Speaker 5 (03:43):
Like, they have to tell you the worst weather. It's
going to happen anywhere in their forecast area, anywhere during
the forecast period, and that's the icon. So it's going
to rain for five minutes during the forecast period. It's
going to be raining, But you look at a map
and it will tell you where and when. Of course,
within of course, we have predictability of the limitations of meteorology,
(04:07):
we have the.
Speaker 2 (04:08):
Most peculiar weather the other night because literally it was
like someone turning a hose on and off on our roof.
It would suddenly rain, and it wouldn't just slowly stop.
It would go stop and then it would start again
two or three times, as if it was like the
Truman Show. Remember that, if you remember the Truman Show
where they cue the rain and it's this rain show
just follows them around. Anyway, it's got nothing to do
(04:29):
with We're here for parenting, okay, and we want your
calls on eight hundred and eighty ten eighty.
Speaker 4 (04:35):
We want you to share your troubles with your in
laws and have you ever had to?
Speaker 2 (04:39):
I mean it might be something where people prefer to
text sometimes, but dealing with the in laws, it is
the quintessential or as no, it is the cliched problems
that families have. Oh, my in laws are such and such,
and it's almost like the in laws can be used
as as you know, how's your day going? Oh, look
in laws, as if that answers all the problems. But
(05:01):
people do have problems within laws because human relationships are complex.
But how much My question for you, if you're listening, is,
apart from if you want to share your horror stories
and how you overcame them, how much dysfunction in your
relationship with your in laws, mother in law, father in law,
whatever should you actually.
Speaker 4 (05:21):
Put up with for the sake of the fact that they.
Speaker 2 (05:23):
Are your children's grandparents. Because it's one thing to find,
you know, in law's a little bit hard going, but
it's another thing to deprive your kids of that family connection.
In fact, it goes for any sort of family relationship uncles, aunts,
but in laws of course.
Speaker 5 (05:40):
Yeah, it's n there can be a huge range of issues,
but also a huge range of experiences where it goes
really well. I've had lovely in laws, so I can't
really join in on the sort of the lizer snipe
at the in law's conversation. By the way, it extends
both ways too. You might have a daughter or son
in law that you're finding that relationships not easy, and
(06:04):
because it's such a variation of such a wide range
of issues, I'm afraid I probably can't come down with
any overarching solution to or every problem. But there are
some basic ways of getting on with each other.
Speaker 2 (06:18):
Yeah, my mum, I remember she had a she didn't
like my dad's mum. I don't think that's necessarily a
state circum they're all gone now. But mom did say
when we when I got together with my with amorson
and my wife of course, and with having family, she said,
(06:41):
I will never ever offer any advice. She was determined
to simply be there when you need me and to
not offer any advice on anything. And I think that's
actually quite a good starting point for a mother or
father in law, because there's that temptation. You see, you
might see a mum or a dad letting the child
(07:03):
get away with bad behavior and interrupting others. You might
be sitting there going, can you please don't tell them
to stop interrupting, tell them to stop interrupting, can you No,
don't say it, don't say it, don't say it.
Speaker 4 (07:13):
I mean, there's probably a wisdom in that.
Speaker 5 (07:15):
In fact, I did hear someone say the secret of
getting on with your daughter in law's son law is
keep your mouth closed and your wallet open.
Speaker 4 (07:25):
That sounds like a really good plan, doesn't it.
Speaker 5 (07:28):
Well, it's hardly likely to cause fights, no vote solve everything,
And it does cross against the wisdom that boundaries are
important in relationships. If you wanted to have safe intimate relationships,
you need boundaries, and that could be very hard to
first of all, understand what other people's understandings the boundaries are,
because with your in laws it's sort of like a
(07:51):
combining of cultures. You know, you might come from very
similar socioeconomic backgrounds and things, but your in laws might
have a very different family culture regarding, for instance, how
they walk into your house. And if you have been
in a place where you're in the well shoes off at.
Speaker 2 (08:07):
The door, the mother in law to take a shoes off,
that would be a I.
Speaker 4 (08:13):
Mean, you might, you might be able to reach the feet.
Speaker 5 (08:15):
Sometimes there is a genuine cultural difference where there are
expectations by the in laws of what the son in law,
lord of ow's duty is to them, and that could
be very you know, with international marriages and things, there
can be a very genuine cultural difference. But even even
within our own even within one culture, there can be
a lot of variation about you know, how much time
(08:40):
you expected to give to them, how much access to
your children do you allow, what help you can expect,
all those sorts of things, And so it's I know
there are none of those things are necessarily wrong, but
they'll be different.
Speaker 2 (08:53):
Because I remember speaking to a young mum once who
was resentful that the mother in law wasn't available to
help out with the kids. Didn't seem to be as interested.
Speaker 4 (09:03):
But I don't know. I just wonder if.
Speaker 2 (09:04):
The golden rule to start with is to expect nothing
and hope and everything's a bonus.
Speaker 4 (09:11):
I mean, is that.
Speaker 5 (09:12):
Setting the bar but smestically well, I like simple aphorisms,
and setting a bar low leads to greatest satisfaction. You're
ever pleasantly, You're I have a pleasantly surprised, or you
got what you expected.
Speaker 2 (09:25):
So it sounds like a rule for any relationship, doesn't it.
Don't expect too much from me on our first date.
Expectations really low.
Speaker 4 (09:33):
How much your bar low enough you've goun to make
a killing eight and eighty.
Speaker 2 (09:39):
But also if you've got if you've got an issue
with an in law that you want to share with us,
not an assure, just a challenge or something, or you've
got some benefit of your you want the benefit of
John's wisdom, don't ask me for mine, although I tend
to think I think the only wisdom I would offer
is that I think you've just got to try and.
Speaker 4 (10:00):
Just try not to see everything through the negative lens.
Speaker 2 (10:03):
If there's a choice to be negative or positive, try
and just go, Okay, this is really annoying, man, But
is there a positive to it? Well, at least they
care about my kids, right.
Speaker 5 (10:12):
And look, there's an awful lot that you can just
bite your lip tolerate, just accept as being different from
the way I was brought up. You can tolerate a
lot of that. But there comes times when a relationship
turns dangerous or toxic. And so the bottom line I think,
and all of this has got to be your own relationship.
(10:34):
Your own marriage has got to be first, and also.
Speaker 4 (10:36):
Your own mental health.
Speaker 5 (10:38):
And if they are proving to be toxic, manipulative, intrusive,
then you may need to draw boundaries. Another good rule
of thumb is allow someone to deal with their own
parents without necessarily making them the person in the middle.
Speaker 4 (10:55):
But inevitably they will be.
Speaker 2 (10:56):
Actually, if you're wanting to put them in the middle,
make sure you just put them in the middle.
Speaker 5 (11:02):
Okay, you saw through that, but it can be very
tough on your relationship. If you have a problem of
your in laws and you spend a lot of time
grizzling about their parents to them, Okay, you've got to
realize that that might throw them that you might provide
some relief for them. They might have had issues with
their parents as well, but more typically, you'll throw them
(11:23):
into a crisis of loyalty. You're asking them to choose
between what you parents have loved all their life or
you that they love, and that's an awfully uncomfortable situation,
So approach that one gently. But it's also probably best
if you are wanting to communicate something to your parents
to allow the bio child to do the communicating.
Speaker 4 (11:43):
Yeah, that's the one.
Speaker 2 (11:45):
Actually, I don't think I've had any problem with my
own laws, given that that's still around as well. I'd
never say anything different, of course, but laws.
Speaker 4 (11:51):
Have been great fun. Well that's great. Yeah, so there
we go. There's your credit in the chalk up a
when right.
Speaker 2 (11:58):
We want your cause though, and if there's anything we
can help with, we'll give it a Well.
Speaker 4 (12:01):
A problem shared is a problem halved, as they say.
Speaker 5 (12:05):
If you're if you're sharing it several thousand people as
you are, you know that's cutting it into a very tiny.
Speaker 2 (12:10):
Live I'm still amused at that. Without putting your husband
or wife in the middle, just put them in the middle. Right,
let's take some calls ed hello.
Speaker 6 (12:22):
Hey, hey, Then I don't want to hold you guys
up too much. I've got a wee problem with my
wife's brother. Yeah, he keeps causing trouble with my my family,
with me two boys and me my family. How do
I get around it?
Speaker 4 (12:38):
How's how's he causing trouble?
Speaker 6 (12:40):
Well he just yeah, he just him and his wife
just go overboard. Yeah, I think trouble his wife Mary?
Speaker 4 (12:50):
Right, And did you say.
Speaker 6 (12:54):
Mary, Mary, and I don't take nothing, okay, and I'm
married as part Mary as well. The things they try
to break your boys up away from.
Speaker 4 (13:08):
Their parents, Why are they doing that?
Speaker 6 (13:10):
I don't know what. I don't honestly don't they. I
don't know. The mom was dying in her home and
he accused me doing wheels around the home. I mean,
I'm seventy years old, man, and it's not true. So
my wife talking them into the office and asked for
girls of the office, is that true? They said, no,
it's not. So he's trying to board a line between
(13:32):
my family and their wives.
Speaker 4 (13:34):
Yeah, you and your team in this is.
Speaker 6 (13:39):
Well yeah, I tell I tell me to boys, it
says it's your mother's brother and you're going to let
it go.
Speaker 4 (13:49):
How old are you boys, oh?
Speaker 6 (13:52):
In in the forties.
Speaker 4 (13:54):
Yeah.
Speaker 6 (13:54):
I don't want to get too much into it. They
might be listening anyway. How do or get around of us?
Speaker 5 (14:02):
I would say, major relationship with your boys. Major in
your relationship. Make sure that they can make sure you
can talk with them easily and well, and let them
know that you're totally on side.
Speaker 6 (14:14):
Well, boys are going to the stage and they have
a twelve My wife's brother to go away.
Speaker 4 (14:18):
Well, that might be the problem out for you.
Speaker 5 (14:22):
That might be that they possibly old enough and mature
enough now to perhaps handle this problem on their own.
But if you stay onside with your wife and stay
inside with your kids.
Speaker 2 (14:33):
If you if your boys have made that decision, it's
sort of like job done. It's just a situation where
you'd be like, well, this is regrettable, but.
Speaker 6 (14:40):
You know, yeah, I mean I don't want to sort
of is always always fail from at my house. The
lines are in course trouble.
Speaker 4 (14:48):
Yeah, we sorry, Edward. Sorry, just with what you're saying, John,
I was.
Speaker 5 (14:52):
Just going to say, Look, some people are just unlikable
and difficult, and there's no probably technique or or thing
for being able to change someone like that. It's just
more a matter of the defense strategy.
Speaker 3 (15:04):
Then.
Speaker 5 (15:04):
If someone who's actually anti social or got it in
for you or something like that, now then you are
talking more about defense and defense of the relationships within
your family. So the thing to major on is the
relationship with your wife to make sure that that can
handle it. In the relationship with your kids. If that
person is having a toxic impact, it's.
Speaker 4 (15:24):
A bit different. You know, when the adults involved.
Speaker 2 (15:27):
Here's one just before we go it. We got a
couple of callers lined up, but this text just attract
my attention. Says, my in laws are heavily religious and
I'm not during Christmas time, I like to drink around there.
There's no drinking. I want to enjoy them Christmas with
some drinks. What should I do? It sounds like when
(15:47):
they say I like to drink, that sounds more than
I like to have a drink at Christmas.
Speaker 5 (15:54):
Let's cut them some slack and assume that it's just
a drink, a normal Christmas type and bibing. I would
tend to go with the culture of the home that
you're in. If you're in their home and they're not.
And there are some homes where alcohol you never know
the whole story, the saying as they're religious, you never know.
It might have been the alcohol has been a problem
(16:14):
in the past, or something like that. And I think
that you're quite it's quite appropriate for people to set
the alcohol culture of their home. And if they are
a dry home, then I don't think that for the
small amount of time that you're going to be in
that home, I think it won't hurt you to perhaps.
Speaker 2 (16:33):
Have something and maybe get a taxi down to the
pub and just maybe have a quiet beer and yeah, man,
I mean, and don't turn up sloshed.
Speaker 4 (16:42):
That would be a bad It might be.
Speaker 5 (16:44):
Oh look, but you know, I suppose it's a bit
difficult if you're going to be spending days and days
and days with them over a holiday period. Okay, and
then you may just need to just plan ahead where
you do go too for some other socializing or something.
Speaker 2 (16:58):
What about if you actually it is interesting when you
think about food and drink, which is the food and
drinks that we all enjoy. What have our own expectations?
And for instance, I probably am quite relieved that my
in laws and meat eaters, but imagine we have to
have a vegan Christmas with no cake or something.
Speaker 4 (17:14):
Probably do you're good? Hi, you're insufferable. Tell you what.
Speaker 2 (17:22):
We'll take a break, We'll ask you Brenton Matto hanging around,
We'll take you or we'll talk to you in a moment.
Speaker 4 (17:27):
It's twenty four past five.
Speaker 2 (17:29):
This is the Parents Squad on Tim Beverage with John
Cown at twenty four past five.
Speaker 4 (17:36):
Really those stars be aware, yes.
Speaker 2 (17:41):
And welcome back to the parents Squad on news talks
every week and collective. My guest is John Cown. Let's
take some more calls on dealing with the in laws. Brent, Hello, Hi.
Speaker 7 (17:51):
Hi, sim Hi John. I've got an international marriage. My
wife's Australian and very cross cultural, very quite long. Oh,
had nothing but a great time. They're both passed away.
My own laws over there now and it was great.
But that's not really what I want to talk about.
I am now a.
Speaker 4 (18:13):
Father in law.
Speaker 7 (18:16):
Eighteen months ago, my son's twenty five now, he got
married and we were having a big because it was
my sixtieth, their wedding and my daughter's same birthday as me,
twenty first, all one weekend.
Speaker 4 (18:30):
Oh my goodness.
Speaker 7 (18:31):
So we had the wedding on the sad Dad was
a long weekend and in the sixtieth combined twenty first
on the Sunday. It was weird.
Speaker 4 (18:36):
It sounds like a really long weekend.
Speaker 7 (18:39):
It was huge. It was huge. And my daughter had
your boyfriend and come up from christ who she's in
the army, and my new daughter in law said, well,
well he's not invited to the wedding.
Speaker 3 (18:54):
It's what is here.
Speaker 7 (18:55):
He's coming to my daughter's twenty first and to my
sixth year. So you've got to come to the wedding.
She didn't. No, no, I said, if it's an exture
about cost, I'll just buy an extra.
Speaker 8 (19:07):
Seat or whatever.
Speaker 7 (19:09):
There was nothing to do with that. She seemed to
enjoy the power trip, making everybody stress over it. It
was really stressful. In fact, it got so bad, and
my daughter was one of the bridesmaids. She gave the
bridesmaid's dress back. I almost my wife and I almost
(19:29):
considered not going down Sons, But it was just breaking
my heart, breaking out heart. What why? And it was
because she was enjoying that well you know, not arther
that bell if you call her enjoying, but getting off
on the tension of it. In the end, he did
come because as usually the most wedding, several people can't come.
So and also we found out later on her dad
(19:54):
her parents are separated, and her dad's new partner was
a struggle to get her along.
Speaker 4 (20:01):
Was so what was the upshot of it all? Then?
Speaker 7 (20:03):
In the family shot, I've been married about eighteen months,
never been for Christmas or anything. My son comes and
I have a great relationship with my son. We are
best friends, always have me. Yeah, and we invite for
various things, vite for Christmas. He comes around, she never does.
Speaker 4 (20:25):
And does his son have an insight onto this? Does
he have any much?
Speaker 7 (20:33):
She's obviously got personal issues. And then I found out
recently she read some letter to her own father, who's
a great guy, about oh you've never been a good dad,
blah blah and things really and so it's really causing problems.
Then six months ago I found out my son bought
(20:55):
his first home. Really happy moment. Why I haven't been
to see or anything. There's no come out and look
at my house.
Speaker 4 (21:02):
She's driving a wedge between his shit with you. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (21:07):
In fact, I've got actually a text on that. While
I'll read while you're hear, Brent. It says this person,
says my narcissist ex partner. We were together for eighteen months.
She wanted to keep me away from my own parents.
She sent me and my family nasty emails. We're taking
a prediction order now anyway, but this it's had a
terrible effect on it.
Speaker 4 (21:25):
But at least it's ex partner, I guess. But that
does sound unfortunate, John.
Speaker 5 (21:29):
What do you look I've got nothing but sympathy and no,
there's Look, I have known of instances like this and
do you know what, they don't tend to resolve and so.
Speaker 4 (21:42):
And so. Look, the.
Speaker 5 (21:44):
Big thing is, as best you can is to keep
your relationship going using technology and everything you can with
your son and don't and as much as you can
send positive messages to your daughter in law and try
and because look it sounds like it's use issues issues
(22:07):
and you know they've got kids together yet Yeah, look
what I'm saying you lay the groundwork. Lay the groundwork
now before the kids come along, because you are going
to want to see your grandchildren a divorce. No, well,
let's hope that it can can work out better than that.
So make it a priority of being, you know, the
(22:30):
best dad and a patient, tolerant and outreaching the father
in law.
Speaker 4 (22:35):
But man, that's a tough place you've been put in.
Speaker 7 (22:37):
Well, the mother in law passed away a few months
ago and she lived ten grand ren kids and so
time we got to New Zealand dollars, but we're gathered
to be eleven thousand dollars and so we transferred it
to the bank and there's no the son's grateful of course,
but no thank you from the daughter in law. Nothing.
Speaker 4 (22:57):
Yeah, and.
Speaker 7 (23:00):
It's really hard, but I know, I know, I can't
criticize her to my son. I never do. I always
ask how was you? Know? How is she?
Speaker 5 (23:11):
Okay, Look, you've got a tough row ahead of you,
and I think that just patience and goodwill, you just
got to keep on directing it unless you unless something
turns up that show that proves to be the cause
of some resentment or something that you can address. But
if there's nothing you can address, there's nothing you can address.
Speaker 7 (23:31):
Well, I think she's got her own mother issues because
her own mum, even though her parents are separated, when
she wasn't her own mom wasn't invited to the wedding,
and her dad, who separated from her, even said I
think you should write your mother, but no, she would not.
There's obviously issues between her and mum, and you know
(23:51):
she's translating it onto everybody else.
Speaker 2 (23:53):
Okay, Well that sounds really tough, actually, I really okay. Yeah,
so hey, by the way, I mean the only other
thing by just as slightly aside, But if you if
they do end up having kids and things, you want
to do something for the cads or set up financially
later on in life or something. You do it through
a trust, so you've got complete control over that. It
(24:14):
would be just yeah, yet all.
Speaker 7 (24:16):
The best cheers, guys.
Speaker 5 (24:19):
That is Rough's. That sounds like a very you know,
a tough situation. Maybe if the sun does express some
insights into it or something like that, you could perhaps
volunteer to say, look, if she ever wanted to have counseling,
I'd be prepared to pay for it or something like
that now, because something like it sounds like wrinkles and
(24:42):
crinkles there, and without knowing if there's some other a
big issue there. It sounds like wrinkles and crinkles that
have been ironed into place with perhaps her own relationship
with her own parents, and so that type of stuff
can be sorted, but it doesn't get fixed overnight with
just suddenly a flash of inspiration. That needs sometimes a
lot of therapy to.
Speaker 4 (24:58):
Balance that out. That story, I think we're really pressure
at your core, Brent. Here's one from muzz and it's
nice to have some contract sort of things. Tim.
Speaker 2 (25:06):
My kid's grandparents, In other words, my wife's parents are
literally the savior of our marriage. Now are the people
that helped us with our first born to our third born.
We knew nothing about parenting basically straight from birth, three
days in hospital, we are on our own. I honestly
don't know how we would have done it without them.
And if, honestly, if you have great in laws, that
is priceless for your kid's sake.
Speaker 4 (25:27):
Let's hope that that's the more common story. I think
it was.
Speaker 5 (25:31):
I mean, we like to hear we sometimes, I like,
but we hear the disaster stories because they precur anchorests
a bit more but more. I tend to think that
that's probably a more typical story. And it's wonderful that
he's got the insight to be able to realize that.
Speaker 4 (25:45):
Ah, yeah, I do have great in laws.
Speaker 2 (25:48):
Another one just before you go to Peter Texas. Almost
thirty years ago, my dad got married. I said to
my sister in law that I'm going to be a
mother in law, to which she said, three monkeys.
Speaker 4 (25:57):
In other words, here, no evil.
Speaker 2 (25:59):
Sealing evil, and I've stood by that it works as
I'm welcomed into their homes.
Speaker 4 (26:03):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (26:04):
Actually mean that should be your starting point here. No
evil see no evil speak, no evil.
Speaker 5 (26:08):
That's right, I just realize people are different. They're coming
from a different place.
Speaker 4 (26:11):
Yeah yeah, okay, where are we up to, Peter? Hello?
Speaker 3 (26:15):
Yeah, hi boys. I just got the like to say
I had the greatest mother and father and law man
could have. Now, this is what happened. I was at nine.
I'm ninety years old now. But when I was nineteen,
I had a big argument with my father and I
(26:35):
left home and I ended up living at my girlfriend's place,
which later I married. So I'm talking about my mother
in law. And she had two daughters. And when I
had my own room and that there at the house,
(26:56):
and I'll tell you what. I was treated like a king.
She had no sons, and I was expectful and helped
and everything. But man, my mother in law, now there
was only one thing. And this will be all right
to say on the road.
Speaker 4 (27:13):
Let's see hovering over the dump button.
Speaker 3 (27:19):
What now this must before her and I married. You know,
life stid. I come home from work on the Monday night,
I go into my room and here and here's some
pie noedles on my pillow. And I thought, oh, drawer,
I've at it now, because you don't, I don't need
(27:42):
to say, and I thought, oh god. So I went
out and I said, oh, Mom about the pine needles
on me pillar? And she just said to me, Peter,
be careful, and that never came up again. I thought, oy,
she was I don't do anything for her, you'd me,
(28:07):
I'd just like to put a plug in for Oh god,
I think.
Speaker 4 (28:11):
Thank you, Peter. I have no idea what the reference
to pine at all? I was getting nervous there.
Speaker 2 (28:18):
Yeah, something at twenty two minutes to six and on
a Saturday afternoon was I wasn't going to have to
hit that magic done, but my needles on? He had
great and laws and good on your Peter. That's like,
that's what I take from that. Came to the flat
ones and there was a note on my door from
my lovely female flatmates saying, you're such a great flatmate,
(28:38):
we've decided to give you breakfast in bed. I thought, lovely,
And I jumped into bed that night and my bed
was full of corn flakes for.
Speaker 4 (28:48):
Real, yeah, for real?
Speaker 2 (28:49):
And what were they were they just saying, no, there
was a joke. They've got to give me breakfast in bed.
The bed it was full of dry corn flakes. I
thought that for a minute, which is not a nice
thing to have between you show. But I thought for
a minute that maybe they were going to put your
dishes that you hadn't washed in your bed or something,
which is what if you don't clean up the kitchen,
I'm going to I'm going to go take the division.
I'm going to shove them in your bed, which is
(29:10):
more of a flat weight and flat mate issue.
Speaker 4 (29:12):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (29:13):
Anyway, look, we would love your cause if you want to,
if you've got any wisdom you would like to share
about managing your relationship within laws. But also I raised
the question initially because it's easy to sort of to
condemn people just because they're a bit difficult, and now
im such and such. I've got nothing to do with
my in laws. But the question is. The reason I
(29:35):
raised it is because if unless they're the devil, I
think family relationships with children aside from their parents and
with a broader family, it's healthy to have that extended family.
So how far should you go and try to preserve
those relationships?
Speaker 4 (29:48):
What should you put up with when do you draw them? Anyway,
we might explore that a little bit more, but we'll
take your calls.
Speaker 2 (29:53):
Eight hundred and eighty ten eighty. It's twenty one minutes
to six. News Talk said, B News Talk said, be welcome.
My guest is parenting expert John Cown. We're just talking
about managing your relationship with your in laws. Actually, I
would have thought that just a starting point for any
relationship is just try and be a little generous to
(30:15):
each other, you know, consider.
Speaker 4 (30:17):
The other person relationships. Yes, try a little tenderness, Yes.
Speaker 5 (30:20):
Recognize Also it can be an individuation issue. Now, individuation
is when you separating out from your parents to become
a mature person. And that's a normal thing in your
teenage years. Part of the jostling and trouble that people
have with teenagers is that they're learning to individuate.
Speaker 2 (30:40):
I'm my own person, I am I'll make my bed
when I'm good and ready. Yeah, that sort of thing.
Speaker 5 (30:45):
And if it's done well, then at the end of
that individuation process, you have another adult who is in it,
still a good relationship with their parents, but is independent. Now,
sometimes that process doesn't happen as fully and as well
as it should, and so if you're partnered with someone
who hasn't individuated well and still under a thrall and
(31:06):
control of their parents. You know, it's one thing to
have respect, but it's another thing to be under the
control of parents. That can lead to all sorts of problems.
And another thing I was to say is that some
couples have said that the turning point in their relationship
towards a better the situation in their own relationship is
when their partner took a stand on their behalf against
(31:29):
their own parents, stood up to the stood up to
their own parents on behalf of their partner, and did
it in a way that didn't wreck the relationship hopefully, But.
Speaker 2 (31:40):
Just like saying, hey dad, you're out of order, they're
actually i'nderstanding with such and such.
Speaker 5 (31:44):
Yeah, it does something to the quality of your relationship
when that's done well. When it's done well, of course,
you can imagine it being done very badly.
Speaker 4 (31:51):
Okay, let's squeeze another call keV.
Speaker 8 (31:54):
Hello, Hey, Amen, how are you guys doing good?
Speaker 4 (31:57):
Thanks?
Speaker 8 (31:58):
Good, good good. I just listening to the conversation that
you guys have and come come here from immigrant family,
and my parents have been here for quite some time
and they've put their own sort of sort of good roots.
But in some of their investments and stuff like that
that they've put in place was not really anything substantial
to sort of transcend a different generation than a new country.
(32:22):
But basically I'm in the position now with my partner
where they're coming up to the retirement age and it's
almost an expectation that you take care of them. I
don't know whether cultural aspects.
Speaker 4 (32:32):
Are that they move in with you and you look
after them and the dog.
Speaker 8 (32:34):
No, no, not as yet, but potentially moving into that
space with probably not investing in property or putting down
good investments to sort of take care of them through
the retirement because industry is probably not that much too.
When you maintain a certain lifestyle.
Speaker 2 (32:53):
And that's normal in practice within the culture that they
come from.
Speaker 8 (32:58):
I don't think so. I don't think so, because there's
people from their culture that have also come here as
immigrants that are ben around have done things differently as well.
But you know, it's almost the keeping up of the
Johnson's mentality because they've went really good money for a
long period of time and then not really done anything
other than you know, by the shiny objects things that
(33:19):
give you that gratification for a short period of time.
Speaker 5 (33:22):
Let's set aside the economics of it, and just think
about whether or not this is something that you would
like in your relationship. And I suggest that you just
start asking questions like, oh gosh, it must be coming
up to retirement age, if you've got any thoughts about
how you like to do that, And if they do
make the suggestion they'd like to live with you, just like, yeah,
let me think about that. We may not be able to,
but let me think about that. And you would start
(33:44):
the dialogue now rather than just wait for the for
the landslide to roll on into your relationships.
Speaker 4 (33:49):
That's a whole different cup of tea potentially, isn't it.
Speaker 2 (33:52):
Because if your partner, thanks, of course, my parents are
going to come and live with us. I mean, this
is the sort of thing that can destroy relationships.
Speaker 5 (34:02):
But start with lots and lots of questions and if
they're saying, well, of course they're going to come in here,
oh well, let's talk about that and just keep.
Speaker 4 (34:10):
It, just keep it, keep the.
Speaker 5 (34:11):
Dialogue's just keep the dialogue going on this because there's
probably there's possible solutions where you know, maybe you you know,
you sell up and they put whatever only they have
into into some other type of accommodation or something. It
may work, you know, it can work very well. But
I mean the thing is, don't feel if you feel
(34:32):
railroaded into it. If you feel like this is something
that's happened against your will, that's going to be very uncomfortable.
So could I just urge you to start asking questions.
Speaker 2 (34:42):
Well, let's finish off with a nice I haven't actually
previed all this text, but says gents. With my first
son in law, we hit it off from the word
go and have a very good relationship. My next son
in law I was very dubious of. I didn't think
it was right for my daughter, and as a result,
I was a dick to him. On their wedding, I
saw a different side to him and how much he
adored my daughter. I had to fall on my sword
and apologize to him for the way I treated him,
(35:03):
and we cleared the air and now go on, very well, Wow,
that's actually quite moving. I think you suddenly see that side.
You see how they view your.
Speaker 4 (35:12):
Partner, your your child, and you know it's nice a
little bit of.
Speaker 2 (35:17):
Love that yeah, oh well hate look gosh, time time
times when you're having fun. We've been referred to as gents.
We've been referred to as boys. I think that boys.
I was like, you could see you think you.
Speaker 4 (35:28):
I feel quite youthful today. Hey, Sunday at Sex of course,
when can people tune in?
Speaker 2 (35:33):
Obviously seven thirty Real Line Sunday Sex, muddling up the
show Real Life.
Speaker 4 (35:38):
With Trum Tomorrow night.
Speaker 5 (35:39):
At Sunday Night, I've got Alan Thorpe, who is the
CEO of Habitat for Humanity, which is an incredible charity.
Charity has been going over thirty years in New Zealand.
It's put hundreds of hundreds of families into good homes
in a responsible way. They end up paying it back,
but they but it just opens the door that my
(36:00):
otherwise be a bit.
Speaker 4 (36:01):
Hard for them to open. And good stuff.
Speaker 2 (36:04):
He's a great going to What time is that on
seven thirty is right here on ZB.
Speaker 4 (36:08):
Excellent, Hey John, great to talk as always. I'll look
forward to next time. I cheers.
Speaker 2 (36:13):
We'll be back to rap Sport with Superman's joining us
Christopher Reeve. It is eleven minutes to six.
Speaker 1 (36:20):
For more from the Weekend Collective, listen live to News
Talk ZEDB weekends from three pm, or follow the podcast
on iHeartRadio,
You're listening to the Weekend Collective podcast from News Talks.
Speaker 2 (00:37):
And welcome back to the Weekend Collective. I'm Tim Beveridge.
That's a little bit of Beach Boys, of course, following
the news of the Brian Wilson passing away fun fact
on the Beach Boys fun fact, I always always I'd
fallen for it. I assumed they were a bunch of
sort of California guys who used to hang out at
the beach and play a bit of music. One of
them couldn't even swim. They were just called the Beach
(00:57):
Boys to tie on with that sort of It was
just a marketing thing and I was assumed that they
had that.
Speaker 3 (01:03):
Well.
Speaker 2 (01:03):
They did write a song called California Girls, which tied
into it as well, anyway, didn't they Anyway, That's why
we're playing a little bit of the Beach Boys from
time to time. And that by the way, if you
have missed any of the previous hours, the Wonder if
Ready a show with a new guest. Martin Kubb from Harcotts,
Cooper and Co. Was with us to just talk about
that devexed question of CVS. You can go and check
(01:24):
out any of that by looking to podcast on iHeartRadio
or news talk set.
Speaker 4 (01:29):
Beatt curt In z.
Speaker 2 (01:30):
And an animated panel as always with the professor of chemistry,
Alan Blackman joined us along with Simon Wilson, a senior
in New Zealand Herald, to talk about the day's issues.
Check it out, you know how to find it, just
go and track it down. Always great fun. Right now though,
guess what it's time for the parents squad. And it's
(01:50):
I mean, another esteemed guest on the show who needs
no introduction. I don't think he does. In fact, you
could just start talking. Anyone will know who it is.
Come on, let's go. It's John cow And Hi, John Han.
Speaker 4 (02:01):
It's great to be back. You're looking well, thank you. Yeah.
So what's been keeping out of mister Flateley?
Speaker 3 (02:06):
Oh?
Speaker 5 (02:07):
When for a bike ride this morning? And because I
pride myself to be able to read weather maps and think, ah,
yes they're pretecting showers, but it's going to be here
and then. And it was pretty right right until I
got absolutely drenched right at the end.
Speaker 4 (02:20):
But there you go. Have a weather map. So you
were looking at.
Speaker 5 (02:24):
The well, I look at met service ones, but they're
a bit hard to zoom in on. But there's ones
called weathermap dot com I think it is, and they
have a couple of different algorithms, and I reckon they
give you a pretty clear idea of when and where
weather is going to be happening.
Speaker 2 (02:39):
Okay, I'm going to see you and raise you on
that because I for to use poker demonology is somebody
I can't remember when, who, how or whatever said, check out.
This app is the most accurate weather app out hour
I've ever seen worked with. And it's ironically it's primary function.
(03:02):
When you log into it, it's called windy and the
first screen you see is it's all about wind direction.
But there are other screens. We can go rain, thunder
and new snow, and it's called windy.
Speaker 4 (03:12):
And I predicted that.
Speaker 2 (03:14):
One morning my daughter had hockey practice and the weather
it was like, it's going to be allf what's going
to be showers, going to be this and this, and
from six thirty or seven o'clock until late thirty, which
is when how long hock practice goes. I looked at
it and said, it's going to be fine, and just
in this area it's going to be fine. And you
know what it was and I was like, I felt
so smug.
Speaker 4 (03:34):
Yeah, I know.
Speaker 5 (03:35):
Most people just look at the icons, the you know,
the cloudy, sunny, ainey icons on their phone and go.
Speaker 4 (03:41):
Oh no, that's what the weather's going to be.
Speaker 5 (03:43):
Like, they have to tell you the worst weather. It's
going to happen anywhere in their forecast area, anywhere during
the forecast period, and that's the icon. So it's going
to rain for five minutes during the forecast period. It's
going to be raining, But you look at a map
and it will tell you where and when. Of course,
within of course, we have predictability of the limitations of meteorology,
(04:07):
we have the.
Speaker 2 (04:08):
Most peculiar weather the other night because literally it was
like someone turning a hose on and off on our roof.
It would suddenly rain, and it wouldn't just slowly stop.
It would go stop and then it would start again
two or three times, as if it was like the
Truman Show. Remember that, if you remember the Truman Show
where they cue the rain and it's this rain show
just follows them around. Anyway, it's got nothing to do
(04:29):
with We're here for parenting, okay, and we want your
calls on eight hundred and eighty ten eighty.
Speaker 4 (04:35):
We want you to share your troubles with your in
laws and have you ever had to?
Speaker 2 (04:39):
I mean it might be something where people prefer to
text sometimes, but dealing with the in laws, it is
the quintessential or as no, it is the cliched problems
that families have. Oh, my in laws are such and such,
and it's almost like the in laws can be used
as as you know, how's your day going? Oh, look
in laws, as if that answers all the problems. But
(05:01):
people do have problems within laws because human relationships are complex.
But how much My question for you, if you're listening, is,
apart from if you want to share your horror stories
and how you overcame them, how much dysfunction in your
relationship with your in laws, mother in law, father in law,
whatever should you actually.
Speaker 4 (05:21):
Put up with for the sake of the fact that they.
Speaker 2 (05:23):
Are your children's grandparents. Because it's one thing to find,
you know, in law's a little bit hard going, but
it's another thing to deprive your kids of that family connection.
In fact, it goes for any sort of family relationship uncles, aunts,
but in laws of course.
Speaker 5 (05:40):
Yeah, it's n there can be a huge range of issues,
but also a huge range of experiences where it goes
really well. I've had lovely in laws, so I can't
really join in on the sort of the lizer snipe
at the in law's conversation. By the way, it extends
both ways too. You might have a daughter or son
in law that you're finding that relationships not easy, and
(06:04):
because it's such a variation of such a wide range
of issues, I'm afraid I probably can't come down with
any overarching solution to or every problem. But there are
some basic ways of getting on with each other.
Speaker 2 (06:18):
Yeah, my mum, I remember she had a she didn't
like my dad's mum. I don't think that's necessarily a
state circum they're all gone now. But mom did say
when we when I got together with my with amorson
and my wife of course, and with having family, she said,
(06:41):
I will never ever offer any advice. She was determined
to simply be there when you need me and to
not offer any advice on anything. And I think that's
actually quite a good starting point for a mother or
father in law, because there's that temptation. You see, you
might see a mum or a dad letting the child
(07:03):
get away with bad behavior and interrupting others. You might
be sitting there going, can you please don't tell them
to stop interrupting, tell them to stop interrupting, can you No,
don't say it, don't say it, don't say it.
Speaker 4 (07:13):
I mean, there's probably a wisdom in that.
Speaker 5 (07:15):
In fact, I did hear someone say the secret of
getting on with your daughter in law's son law is
keep your mouth closed and your wallet open.
Speaker 4 (07:25):
That sounds like a really good plan, doesn't it.
Speaker 5 (07:28):
Well, it's hardly likely to cause fights, no vote solve everything,
And it does cross against the wisdom that boundaries are
important in relationships. If you wanted to have safe intimate relationships,
you need boundaries, and that could be very hard to
first of all, understand what other people's understandings the boundaries are,
because with your in laws it's sort of like a
(07:51):
combining of cultures. You know, you might come from very
similar socioeconomic backgrounds and things, but your in laws might
have a very different family culture regarding, for instance, how
they walk into your house. And if you have been
in a place where you're in the well shoes off at.
Speaker 2 (08:07):
The door, the mother in law to take a shoes off,
that would be a I.
Speaker 4 (08:13):
Mean, you might, you might be able to reach the feet.
Speaker 5 (08:15):
Sometimes there is a genuine cultural difference where there are
expectations by the in laws of what the son in law,
lord of ow's duty is to them, and that could
be very you know, with international marriages and things, there
can be a very genuine cultural difference. But even even
within our own even within one culture, there can be
a lot of variation about you know, how much time
(08:40):
you expected to give to them, how much access to
your children do you allow, what help you can expect,
all those sorts of things, And so it's I know
there are none of those things are necessarily wrong, but
they'll be different.
Speaker 2 (08:53):
Because I remember speaking to a young mum once who
was resentful that the mother in law wasn't available to
help out with the kids. Didn't seem to be as interested.
Speaker 4 (09:03):
But I don't know. I just wonder if.
Speaker 2 (09:04):
The golden rule to start with is to expect nothing
and hope and everything's a bonus.
Speaker 4 (09:11):
I mean, is that.
Speaker 5 (09:12):
Setting the bar but smestically well, I like simple aphorisms,
and setting a bar low leads to greatest satisfaction. You're
ever pleasantly, You're I have a pleasantly surprised, or you
got what you expected.
Speaker 2 (09:25):
So it sounds like a rule for any relationship, doesn't it.
Don't expect too much from me on our first date.
Expectations really low.
Speaker 4 (09:33):
How much your bar low enough you've goun to make
a killing eight and eighty.
Speaker 2 (09:39):
But also if you've got if you've got an issue
with an in law that you want to share with us,
not an assure, just a challenge or something, or you've
got some benefit of your you want the benefit of
John's wisdom, don't ask me for mine, although I tend
to think I think the only wisdom I would offer
is that I think you've just got to try and.
Speaker 4 (10:00):
Just try not to see everything through the negative lens.
Speaker 2 (10:03):
If there's a choice to be negative or positive, try
and just go, Okay, this is really annoying, man, But
is there a positive to it? Well, at least they
care about my kids, right.
Speaker 5 (10:12):
And look, there's an awful lot that you can just
bite your lip tolerate, just accept as being different from
the way I was brought up. You can tolerate a
lot of that. But there comes times when a relationship
turns dangerous or toxic. And so the bottom line I think,
and all of this has got to be your own relationship.
(10:34):
Your own marriage has got to be first, and also.
Speaker 4 (10:36):
Your own mental health.
Speaker 5 (10:38):
And if they are proving to be toxic, manipulative, intrusive,
then you may need to draw boundaries. Another good rule
of thumb is allow someone to deal with their own
parents without necessarily making them the person in the middle.
Speaker 4 (10:55):
But inevitably they will be.
Speaker 2 (10:56):
Actually, if you're wanting to put them in the middle,
make sure you just put them in the middle.
Speaker 5 (11:02):
Okay, you saw through that, but it can be very
tough on your relationship. If you have a problem of
your in laws and you spend a lot of time
grizzling about their parents to them, Okay, you've got to
realize that that might throw them that you might provide
some relief for them. They might have had issues with
their parents as well, but more typically, you'll throw them
(11:23):
into a crisis of loyalty. You're asking them to choose
between what you parents have loved all their life or
you that they love, and that's an awfully uncomfortable situation,
So approach that one gently. But it's also probably best
if you are wanting to communicate something to your parents
to allow the bio child to do the communicating.
Speaker 4 (11:43):
Yeah, that's the one.
Speaker 2 (11:45):
Actually, I don't think I've had any problem with my
own laws, given that that's still around as well. I'd
never say anything different, of course, but laws.
Speaker 4 (11:51):
Have been great fun. Well that's great. Yeah, so there
we go. There's your credit in the chalk up a
when right.
Speaker 2 (11:58):
We want your cause though, and if there's anything we
can help with, we'll give it a Well.
Speaker 4 (12:01):
A problem shared is a problem halved, as they say.
Speaker 5 (12:05):
If you're if you're sharing it several thousand people as
you are, you know that's cutting it into a very tiny.
Speaker 2 (12:10):
Live I'm still amused at that. Without putting your husband
or wife in the middle, just put them in the middle. Right,
let's take some calls ed hello.
Speaker 6 (12:22):
Hey, hey, Then I don't want to hold you guys
up too much. I've got a wee problem with my
wife's brother. Yeah, he keeps causing trouble with my my family,
with me two boys and me my family. How do
I get around it?
Speaker 4 (12:38):
How's how's he causing trouble?
Speaker 6 (12:40):
Well he just yeah, he just him and his wife
just go overboard. Yeah, I think trouble his wife Mary?
Speaker 4 (12:50):
Right, And did you say.
Speaker 6 (12:54):
Mary, Mary, and I don't take nothing, okay, and I'm
married as part Mary as well. The things they try
to break your boys up away from.
Speaker 4 (13:08):
Their parents, Why are they doing that?
Speaker 6 (13:10):
I don't know what. I don't honestly don't they. I
don't know. The mom was dying in her home and
he accused me doing wheels around the home. I mean,
I'm seventy years old, man, and it's not true. So
my wife talking them into the office and asked for
girls of the office, is that true? They said, no,
it's not. So he's trying to board a line between
(13:32):
my family and their wives.
Speaker 4 (13:34):
Yeah, you and your team in this is.
Speaker 6 (13:39):
Well yeah, I tell I tell me to boys, it
says it's your mother's brother and you're going to let
it go.
Speaker 4 (13:49):
How old are you boys, oh?
Speaker 6 (13:52):
In in the forties.
Speaker 4 (13:54):
Yeah.
Speaker 6 (13:54):
I don't want to get too much into it. They
might be listening anyway. How do or get around of us?
Speaker 5 (14:02):
I would say, major relationship with your boys. Major in
your relationship. Make sure that they can make sure you
can talk with them easily and well, and let them
know that you're totally on side.
Speaker 6 (14:14):
Well, boys are going to the stage and they have
a twelve My wife's brother to go away.
Speaker 4 (14:18):
Well, that might be the problem out for you.
Speaker 5 (14:22):
That might be that they possibly old enough and mature
enough now to perhaps handle this problem on their own.
But if you stay onside with your wife and stay
inside with your kids.
Speaker 2 (14:33):
If you if your boys have made that decision, it's
sort of like job done. It's just a situation where
you'd be like, well, this is regrettable, but.
Speaker 6 (14:40):
You know, yeah, I mean I don't want to sort
of is always always fail from at my house. The
lines are in course trouble.
Speaker 4 (14:48):
Yeah, we sorry, Edward. Sorry, just with what you're saying, John,
I was.
Speaker 5 (14:52):
Just going to say, Look, some people are just unlikable
and difficult, and there's no probably technique or or thing
for being able to change someone like that. It's just
more a matter of the defense strategy.
Speaker 3 (15:04):
Then.
Speaker 5 (15:04):
If someone who's actually anti social or got it in
for you or something like that, now then you are
talking more about defense and defense of the relationships within
your family. So the thing to major on is the
relationship with your wife to make sure that that can
handle it. In the relationship with your kids. If that
person is having a toxic impact, it's.
Speaker 4 (15:24):
A bit different. You know, when the adults involved.
Speaker 2 (15:27):
Here's one just before we go it. We got a
couple of callers lined up, but this text just attract
my attention. Says, my in laws are heavily religious and
I'm not during Christmas time, I like to drink around there.
There's no drinking. I want to enjoy them Christmas with
some drinks. What should I do? It sounds like when
(15:47):
they say I like to drink, that sounds more than
I like to have a drink at Christmas.
Speaker 5 (15:54):
Let's cut them some slack and assume that it's just
a drink, a normal Christmas type and bibing. I would
tend to go with the culture of the home that
you're in. If you're in their home and they're not.
And there are some homes where alcohol you never know
the whole story, the saying as they're religious, you never know.
It might have been the alcohol has been a problem
(16:14):
in the past, or something like that. And I think
that you're quite it's quite appropriate for people to set
the alcohol culture of their home. And if they are
a dry home, then I don't think that for the
small amount of time that you're going to be in
that home, I think it won't hurt you to perhaps.
Speaker 2 (16:33):
Have something and maybe get a taxi down to the
pub and just maybe have a quiet beer and yeah, man,
I mean, and don't turn up sloshed.
Speaker 4 (16:42):
That would be a bad It might be.
Speaker 5 (16:44):
Oh look, but you know, I suppose it's a bit
difficult if you're going to be spending days and days
and days with them over a holiday period. Okay, and
then you may just need to just plan ahead where
you do go too for some other socializing or something.
Speaker 2 (16:58):
What about if you actually it is interesting when you
think about food and drink, which is the food and
drinks that we all enjoy. What have our own expectations?
And for instance, I probably am quite relieved that my
in laws and meat eaters, but imagine we have to
have a vegan Christmas with no cake or something.
Speaker 4 (17:14):
Probably do you're good? Hi, you're insufferable. Tell you what.
Speaker 2 (17:22):
We'll take a break, We'll ask you Brenton Matto hanging around,
We'll take you or we'll talk to you in a moment.
Speaker 4 (17:27):
It's twenty four past five.
Speaker 2 (17:29):
This is the Parents Squad on Tim Beverage with John
Cown at twenty four past five.
Speaker 4 (17:36):
Really those stars be aware, yes.
Speaker 2 (17:41):
And welcome back to the parents Squad on news talks
every week and collective. My guest is John Cown. Let's
take some more calls on dealing with the in laws. Brent, Hello, Hi.
Speaker 7 (17:51):
Hi, sim Hi John. I've got an international marriage. My
wife's Australian and very cross cultural, very quite long. Oh,
had nothing but a great time. They're both passed away.
My own laws over there now and it was great.
But that's not really what I want to talk about.
I am now a.
Speaker 4 (18:13):
Father in law.
Speaker 7 (18:16):
Eighteen months ago, my son's twenty five now, he got
married and we were having a big because it was
my sixtieth, their wedding and my daughter's same birthday as me,
twenty first, all one weekend.
Speaker 4 (18:30):
Oh my goodness.
Speaker 7 (18:31):
So we had the wedding on the sad Dad was
a long weekend and in the sixtieth combined twenty first
on the Sunday. It was weird.
Speaker 4 (18:36):
It sounds like a really long weekend.
Speaker 7 (18:39):
It was huge. It was huge. And my daughter had
your boyfriend and come up from christ who she's in
the army, and my new daughter in law said, well,
well he's not invited to the wedding.
Speaker 3 (18:54):
It's what is here.
Speaker 7 (18:55):
He's coming to my daughter's twenty first and to my
sixth year. So you've got to come to the wedding.
She didn't. No, no, I said, if it's an exture
about cost, I'll just buy an extra.
Speaker 8 (19:07):
Seat or whatever.
Speaker 7 (19:09):
There was nothing to do with that. She seemed to
enjoy the power trip, making everybody stress over it. It
was really stressful. In fact, it got so bad, and
my daughter was one of the bridesmaids. She gave the
bridesmaid's dress back. I almost my wife and I almost
(19:29):
considered not going down Sons, But it was just breaking
my heart, breaking out heart. What why? And it was
because she was enjoying that well you know, not arther
that bell if you call her enjoying, but getting off
on the tension of it. In the end, he did
come because as usually the most wedding, several people can't come.
So and also we found out later on her dad
(19:54):
her parents are separated, and her dad's new partner was
a struggle to get her along.
Speaker 4 (20:01):
Was so what was the upshot of it all? Then?
Speaker 7 (20:03):
In the family shot, I've been married about eighteen months,
never been for Christmas or anything. My son comes and
I have a great relationship with my son. We are
best friends, always have me. Yeah, and we invite for
various things, vite for Christmas. He comes around, she never does.
Speaker 4 (20:25):
And does his son have an insight onto this? Does
he have any much?
Speaker 7 (20:33):
She's obviously got personal issues. And then I found out
recently she read some letter to her own father, who's
a great guy, about oh you've never been a good dad,
blah blah and things really and so it's really causing problems.
Then six months ago I found out my son bought
(20:55):
his first home. Really happy moment. Why I haven't been
to see or anything. There's no come out and look
at my house.
Speaker 4 (21:02):
She's driving a wedge between his shit with you. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (21:07):
In fact, I've got actually a text on that. While
I'll read while you're hear, Brent. It says this person,
says my narcissist ex partner. We were together for eighteen months.
She wanted to keep me away from my own parents.
She sent me and my family nasty emails. We're taking
a prediction order now anyway, but this it's had a
terrible effect on it.
Speaker 4 (21:25):
But at least it's ex partner, I guess. But that
does sound unfortunate, John.
Speaker 5 (21:29):
What do you look I've got nothing but sympathy and no,
there's Look, I have known of instances like this and
do you know what, they don't tend to resolve and so.
Speaker 4 (21:42):
And so. Look, the.
Speaker 5 (21:44):
Big thing is, as best you can is to keep
your relationship going using technology and everything you can with
your son and don't and as much as you can
send positive messages to your daughter in law and try
and because look it sounds like it's use issues issues
(22:07):
and you know they've got kids together yet Yeah, look
what I'm saying you lay the groundwork. Lay the groundwork
now before the kids come along, because you are going
to want to see your grandchildren a divorce. No, well,
let's hope that it can can work out better than that.
So make it a priority of being, you know, the
(22:30):
best dad and a patient, tolerant and outreaching the father
in law.
Speaker 4 (22:35):
But man, that's a tough place you've been put in.
Speaker 7 (22:37):
Well, the mother in law passed away a few months
ago and she lived ten grand ren kids and so
time we got to New Zealand dollars, but we're gathered
to be eleven thousand dollars and so we transferred it
to the bank and there's no the son's grateful of course,
but no thank you from the daughter in law. Nothing.
Speaker 4 (22:57):
Yeah, and.
Speaker 7 (23:00):
It's really hard, but I know, I know, I can't
criticize her to my son. I never do. I always
ask how was you? Know? How is she?
Speaker 5 (23:11):
Okay, Look, you've got a tough row ahead of you,
and I think that just patience and goodwill, you just
got to keep on directing it unless you unless something
turns up that show that proves to be the cause
of some resentment or something that you can address. But
if there's nothing you can address, there's nothing you can address.
Speaker 7 (23:31):
Well, I think she's got her own mother issues because
her own mum, even though her parents are separated, when
she wasn't her own mom wasn't invited to the wedding,
and her dad, who separated from her, even said I
think you should write your mother, but no, she would not.
There's obviously issues between her and mum, and you know
(23:51):
she's translating it onto everybody else.
Speaker 2 (23:53):
Okay, Well that sounds really tough, actually, I really okay. Yeah,
so hey, by the way, I mean the only other
thing by just as slightly aside, But if you if
they do end up having kids and things, you want
to do something for the cads or set up financially
later on in life or something. You do it through
a trust, so you've got complete control over that. It
(24:14):
would be just yeah, yet all.
Speaker 7 (24:16):
The best cheers, guys.
Speaker 5 (24:19):
That is Rough's. That sounds like a very you know,
a tough situation. Maybe if the sun does express some
insights into it or something like that, you could perhaps
volunteer to say, look, if she ever wanted to have counseling,
I'd be prepared to pay for it or something like
that now, because something like it sounds like wrinkles and
(24:42):
crinkles there, and without knowing if there's some other a
big issue there. It sounds like wrinkles and crinkles that
have been ironed into place with perhaps her own relationship
with her own parents, and so that type of stuff
can be sorted, but it doesn't get fixed overnight with
just suddenly a flash of inspiration. That needs sometimes a
lot of therapy to.
Speaker 4 (24:58):
Balance that out. That story, I think we're really pressure
at your core, Brent. Here's one from muzz and it's
nice to have some contract sort of things. Tim.
Speaker 2 (25:06):
My kid's grandparents, In other words, my wife's parents are
literally the savior of our marriage. Now are the people
that helped us with our first born to our third born.
We knew nothing about parenting basically straight from birth, three
days in hospital, we are on our own. I honestly
don't know how we would have done it without them.
And if, honestly, if you have great in laws, that
is priceless for your kid's sake.
Speaker 4 (25:27):
Let's hope that that's the more common story. I think
it was.
Speaker 5 (25:31):
I mean, we like to hear we sometimes, I like,
but we hear the disaster stories because they precur anchorests
a bit more but more. I tend to think that
that's probably a more typical story. And it's wonderful that
he's got the insight to be able to realize that.
Speaker 4 (25:45):
Ah, yeah, I do have great in laws.
Speaker 2 (25:48):
Another one just before you go to Peter Texas. Almost
thirty years ago, my dad got married. I said to
my sister in law that I'm going to be a
mother in law, to which she said, three monkeys.
Speaker 4 (25:57):
In other words, here, no evil.
Speaker 2 (25:59):
Sealing evil, and I've stood by that it works as
I'm welcomed into their homes.
Speaker 4 (26:03):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (26:04):
Actually mean that should be your starting point here. No
evil see no evil speak, no evil.
Speaker 5 (26:08):
That's right, I just realize people are different. They're coming
from a different place.
Speaker 4 (26:11):
Yeah yeah, okay, where are we up to, Peter? Hello?
Speaker 3 (26:15):
Yeah, hi boys. I just got the like to say
I had the greatest mother and father and law man
could have. Now, this is what happened. I was at nine.
I'm ninety years old now. But when I was nineteen,
I had a big argument with my father and I
(26:35):
left home and I ended up living at my girlfriend's place,
which later I married. So I'm talking about my mother
in law. And she had two daughters. And when I
had my own room and that there at the house,
(26:56):
and I'll tell you what. I was treated like a king.
She had no sons, and I was expectful and helped
and everything. But man, my mother in law, now there
was only one thing. And this will be all right
to say on the road.
Speaker 4 (27:13):
Let's see hovering over the dump button.
Speaker 3 (27:19):
What now this must before her and I married. You know,
life stid. I come home from work on the Monday night,
I go into my room and here and here's some
pie noedles on my pillow. And I thought, oh, drawer,
I've at it now, because you don't, I don't need
(27:42):
to say, and I thought, oh god. So I went
out and I said, oh, Mom about the pine needles
on me pillar? And she just said to me, Peter,
be careful, and that never came up again. I thought, oy,
she was I don't do anything for her, you'd me,
(28:07):
I'd just like to put a plug in for Oh god,
I think.
Speaker 4 (28:11):
Thank you, Peter. I have no idea what the reference
to pine at all? I was getting nervous there.
Speaker 2 (28:18):
Yeah, something at twenty two minutes to six and on
a Saturday afternoon was I wasn't going to have to
hit that magic done, but my needles on? He had
great and laws and good on your Peter. That's like,
that's what I take from that. Came to the flat
ones and there was a note on my door from
my lovely female flatmates saying, you're such a great flatmate,
(28:38):
we've decided to give you breakfast in bed. I thought, lovely,
And I jumped into bed that night and my bed
was full of corn flakes for.
Speaker 4 (28:48):
Real, yeah, for real?
Speaker 2 (28:49):
And what were they were they just saying, no, there
was a joke. They've got to give me breakfast in bed.
The bed it was full of dry corn flakes. I
thought that for a minute, which is not a nice
thing to have between you show. But I thought for
a minute that maybe they were going to put your
dishes that you hadn't washed in your bed or something,
which is what if you don't clean up the kitchen,
I'm going to I'm going to go take the division.
I'm going to shove them in your bed, which is
(29:10):
more of a flat weight and flat mate issue.
Speaker 4 (29:12):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (29:13):
Anyway, look, we would love your cause if you want to,
if you've got any wisdom you would like to share
about managing your relationship within laws. But also I raised
the question initially because it's easy to sort of to
condemn people just because they're a bit difficult, and now
im such and such. I've got nothing to do with
my in laws. But the question is. The reason I
(29:35):
raised it is because if unless they're the devil, I
think family relationships with children aside from their parents and
with a broader family, it's healthy to have that extended family.
So how far should you go and try to preserve
those relationships?
Speaker 4 (29:48):
What should you put up with when do you draw them? Anyway,
we might explore that a little bit more, but we'll
take your calls.
Speaker 2 (29:53):
Eight hundred and eighty ten eighty. It's twenty one minutes
to six. News Talk said, B News Talk said, be welcome.
My guest is parenting expert John Cown. We're just talking
about managing your relationship with your in laws. Actually, I
would have thought that just a starting point for any
relationship is just try and be a little generous to
(30:15):
each other, you know, consider.
Speaker 4 (30:17):
The other person relationships. Yes, try a little tenderness, Yes.
Speaker 5 (30:20):
Recognize Also it can be an individuation issue. Now, individuation
is when you separating out from your parents to become
a mature person. And that's a normal thing in your
teenage years. Part of the jostling and trouble that people
have with teenagers is that they're learning to individuate.
Speaker 2 (30:40):
I'm my own person, I am I'll make my bed
when I'm good and ready. Yeah, that sort of thing.
Speaker 5 (30:45):
And if it's done well, then at the end of
that individuation process, you have another adult who is in it,
still a good relationship with their parents, but is independent. Now,
sometimes that process doesn't happen as fully and as well
as it should, and so if you're partnered with someone
who hasn't individuated well and still under a thrall and
(31:06):
control of their parents. You know, it's one thing to
have respect, but it's another thing to be under the
control of parents. That can lead to all sorts of problems.
And another thing I was to say is that some
couples have said that the turning point in their relationship
towards a better the situation in their own relationship is
when their partner took a stand on their behalf against
(31:29):
their own parents, stood up to the stood up to
their own parents on behalf of their partner, and did
it in a way that didn't wreck the relationship hopefully, But.
Speaker 2 (31:40):
Just like saying, hey dad, you're out of order, they're
actually i'nderstanding with such and such.
Speaker 5 (31:44):
Yeah, it does something to the quality of your relationship
when that's done well. When it's done well, of course,
you can imagine it being done very badly.
Speaker 4 (31:51):
Okay, let's squeeze another call keV.
Speaker 8 (31:54):
Hello, Hey, Amen, how are you guys doing good?
Speaker 4 (31:57):
Thanks?
Speaker 8 (31:58):
Good, good good. I just listening to the conversation that
you guys have and come come here from immigrant family,
and my parents have been here for quite some time
and they've put their own sort of sort of good roots.
But in some of their investments and stuff like that
that they've put in place was not really anything substantial
to sort of transcend a different generation than a new country.
(32:22):
But basically I'm in the position now with my partner
where they're coming up to the retirement age and it's
almost an expectation that you take care of them. I
don't know whether cultural aspects.
Speaker 4 (32:32):
Are that they move in with you and you look
after them and the dog.
Speaker 8 (32:34):
No, no, not as yet, but potentially moving into that
space with probably not investing in property or putting down
good investments to sort of take care of them through
the retirement because industry is probably not that much too.
When you maintain a certain lifestyle.
Speaker 2 (32:53):
And that's normal in practice within the culture that they
come from.
Speaker 8 (32:58):
I don't think so. I don't think so, because there's
people from their culture that have also come here as
immigrants that are ben around have done things differently as well.
But you know, it's almost the keeping up of the
Johnson's mentality because they've went really good money for a
long period of time and then not really done anything
other than you know, by the shiny objects things that
(33:19):
give you that gratification for a short period of time.
Speaker 5 (33:22):
Let's set aside the economics of it, and just think
about whether or not this is something that you would
like in your relationship. And I suggest that you just
start asking questions like, oh gosh, it must be coming
up to retirement age, if you've got any thoughts about
how you like to do that, And if they do
make the suggestion they'd like to live with you, just like, yeah,
let me think about that. We may not be able to,
but let me think about that. And you would start
(33:44):
the dialogue now rather than just wait for the for
the landslide to roll on into your relationships.
Speaker 4 (33:49):
That's a whole different cup of tea potentially, isn't it.
Speaker 2 (33:52):
Because if your partner, thanks, of course, my parents are
going to come and live with us. I mean, this
is the sort of thing that can destroy relationships.
Speaker 5 (34:02):
But start with lots and lots of questions and if
they're saying, well, of course they're going to come in here,
oh well, let's talk about that and just keep.
Speaker 4 (34:10):
It, just keep it, keep the.
Speaker 5 (34:11):
Dialogue's just keep the dialogue going on this because there's
probably there's possible solutions where you know, maybe you you know,
you sell up and they put whatever only they have
into into some other type of accommodation or something. It
may work, you know, it can work very well. But
I mean the thing is, don't feel if you feel
(34:32):
railroaded into it. If you feel like this is something
that's happened against your will, that's going to be very uncomfortable.
So could I just urge you to start asking questions.
Speaker 2 (34:42):
Well, let's finish off with a nice I haven't actually
previed all this text, but says gents. With my first
son in law, we hit it off from the word
go and have a very good relationship. My next son
in law I was very dubious of. I didn't think
it was right for my daughter, and as a result,
I was a dick to him. On their wedding, I
saw a different side to him and how much he
adored my daughter. I had to fall on my sword
and apologize to him for the way I treated him,
(35:03):
and we cleared the air and now go on, very well, Wow,
that's actually quite moving. I think you suddenly see that side.
You see how they view your.
Speaker 4 (35:12):
Partner, your your child, and you know it's nice a
little bit of.
Speaker 2 (35:17):
Love that yeah, oh well hate look gosh, time time
times when you're having fun. We've been referred to as gents.
We've been referred to as boys. I think that boys.
I was like, you could see you think you.
Speaker 4 (35:28):
I feel quite youthful today. Hey, Sunday at Sex of course,
when can people tune in?
Speaker 2 (35:33):
Obviously seven thirty Real Line Sunday Sex, muddling up the
show Real Life.
Speaker 4 (35:38):
With Trum Tomorrow night.
Speaker 5 (35:39):
At Sunday Night, I've got Alan Thorpe, who is the
CEO of Habitat for Humanity, which is an incredible charity.
Charity has been going over thirty years in New Zealand.
It's put hundreds of hundreds of families into good homes
in a responsible way. They end up paying it back,
but they but it just opens the door that my
(36:00):
otherwise be a bit.
Speaker 4 (36:01):
Hard for them to open. And good stuff.
Speaker 2 (36:04):
He's a great going to What time is that on
seven thirty is right here on ZB.
Speaker 4 (36:08):
Excellent, Hey John, great to talk as always. I'll look
forward to next time. I cheers.
Speaker 2 (36:13):
We'll be back to rap Sport with Superman's joining us
Christopher Reeve. It is eleven minutes to six.
Speaker 1 (36:20):
For more from the Weekend Collective, listen live to News
Talk ZEDB weekends from three pm, or follow the podcast
on iHeartRadio,
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