July 26, 2025 • 35 mins
There comes a time in every parent's life when your sweet child comes home one day and announces they're in a relationship.
What boundaries and conversations should parents have when this time comes?
Psychologist at MindWorks, Sara Chatwin, joins Tim Beveridge for Parent Squad.
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Speaker 1 (00:05):
You're listening to the Weekend Collective podcast from News Talk SEDB.
Speaker 2 (00:40):
Guess Welcome back. If you've just joined us, Hello, how
are you? This is the Weekend Collective on the twenty
sixth of July Saturday. I'm Tim Beverage and this is
the Parents Squad. And by the way, you can we
want your Cause on one hundred and eighty ten eighty.
You can text on nine two nine two. And before
I introduce my guest, I'm just give you a little
(01:00):
hint to what we're going to talk about. It's not
a hint. I'm going to tell you what we're going
to talk about. It's that is it a dreaded time.
I'm trying to work it out for myself because I
have daughter's age twelve and fourteen, and there is that
time in every parent's life when your child might come
home one day and announced they have a girlfriend or
a boyfriend, or they might ask a few questions which
(01:23):
make you think, oh, my goodness, are they are they
quite keen on someone? And I had my first crush
when I oh my first crush when I was ten,
which put me off relationships for ages because I realized
at one stage that I was just too young for
this stuff. But we won't go into that because I'd
probably need to sit down in a private capacity with
my guest. But anyway, what you know, what sort of
(01:44):
age do you think is suitable for a boyfriend and girlfriend?
And have you had to navigate this with your own children.
I also tease my girls a little bit. I guess
this is my way of preparing as that and maybe
probing or questioning where they're at, because I will joke
and one of my girls might say something to me
and saying, oh, you've got a girl, you've got to
(02:04):
you know, you've got a boyfriend or something, and they're like, dad,
you know some coming like that, and it's just actually
it's my way of gently sort of proving to see
whether I've touched a nerve or whether they're just like,
what are you talking about, idiot? So anyway, anyway, so
the person I might have to sit down for a
chat with as a psychologist that mind works, and her
(02:25):
name is Sarah. Sarah Chat one and Sarah, Hello.
Speaker 3 (02:30):
How are you Tim? I'm very well, this is a
great topic. Oh yeah, I can know you've got kids.
Speaker 2 (02:36):
Yes, I can't remember what ages they were.
Speaker 3 (02:39):
Four times four times. Yes, grown up now they are.
Speaker 4 (02:44):
Yeah.
Speaker 5 (02:44):
I mean my daughter is eighteen, she's my youngest, and
I have three sons, so I have been through the
relationship traumas and dramas. To be fair, mine haven't had
traumas and dramas. They've got lovely partners and boyfriends and
girlfriends and all the rest of us.
Speaker 3 (02:57):
So it's great.
Speaker 2 (02:57):
Do you remember the first time this I don't mean
the specter, but that's just the word that's come out
of a boyfriend or a girl. One raised its head
differently and did it was that something you had to
find out about or did it you stumbled across it
or you walked on them in the couch when they
were suddenly shat two meters away from each other.
Speaker 5 (03:16):
I haven't actually done any of that, thankfully. I mean
that who would that be most embarrassing for it? But
I would think it would be me. I look, I
think that this thing kind of crops up when the
kids start going to socials, maybe a little bit before,
so it can start ten eleven, twelve. You know, they
go to the school socials and you know there's girls
and book there's boys. Everybody's over the one side of
(03:39):
the room to you know, the boys are there, the
girls are there, or whatever, and you know, people say, oh,
I quite like him or her, and you know, they
find that there's this thing called attraction going on.
Speaker 3 (03:50):
So I think that there's a little bit of preparation.
Speaker 5 (03:55):
Or there are hallmarks or milestones that parents or signs
I'm trying to say that parents see with regard to
their children perhaps yeah, you know, looking a little bit
further afield than just at themselves. So yeah, sometimes it
starts around that time when socials happen. So it might
be year what is it, year seven, eight, nine ten,
(04:18):
those years at school, year.
Speaker 2 (04:19):
Seven eight nineteen, what's that that's aged eleven twelve, yeah,
seteen fourteen?
Speaker 5 (04:25):
Yeah, maybe year from year eight onward you find that
some kids are showing an interest in relationships with other kids,
with or thoughts about other children being cute or attractive,
or that they like something about that child, that adolescent.
Speaker 2 (04:43):
It's actually, to be honest, it's not I'm not worried
about it at all. You know, there are some parents
who are well that you know, whether I'm not sure
if it's fathers of girls or whatever, who can The
traditional father is a little bit overseeing and wants to
sort of make sure that the boy who knocks on
the door is I'm not worried about it because I
sort of trust that my girls are going to I
(05:05):
don't know, I'm not worried about them. I'm optimistic about
that they are going to. You know, if any boy
earns a place in their affections, then it'll be a
nice guy. And I guess you worry about what if
they gravitate towards someone you think is not will.
Speaker 5 (05:21):
A bad person. Doesn't that speak to your relationship with
your daughters though? I mean, isn't your child having a
relationship or looking to have a relationship with another adolescent
to a young person, the fact that they share stuff
with you, or that you can tap into that as
a parent, you know you can ask, you can inquire,
you can be curious about that relationship. Doesn't that indicate
(05:46):
are coming together or a culmination of all the years
of hard work and toil and parenting that you have
been involved with that child.
Speaker 2 (05:55):
Because I as growing up, I was the youngest of
four boys, and I don't think I ever got a
sense from Mum or dad about whether they whether they
were remotely interested on whether I had a boyfriend or
a girlfriend or not. They just seemed to be I
guess because my older brother, he had a string of girlfriends.
We all had little crushes on, I think, and I
(06:17):
don't know, it was never something that pared for or
I don't know.
Speaker 5 (06:23):
Were you the youngest, so you know, by the time
you came around, Mum and dad had had a lot
of parenting experience, and perhaps they also understood that as
the youngest child, you are looking at a lot of
stuff that's gone on before with your older siblings. So
perhaps they didn't feel that they needed to make so
many inquiries because there had been three sons before, you know,
(06:46):
providing you with role models and.
Speaker 3 (06:48):
Showing you the ropes.
Speaker 5 (06:50):
And perhaps you were learning as children do by watching
and you know, looking at the vibe around.
Speaker 3 (06:57):
You know, when your oldest brother.
Speaker 5 (06:58):
Brought a girl home she's pretty, or whoever he brought home,
you know, you'd go, oh, that person must be special
for my brother. And you must have looked at the
way that they interacted and you learned those kind of cues.
Speaker 2 (07:10):
I just remember thinking that his first girlfriend, we all
liked his first girlfriend. She was really cute, and yeah,
It's funny. I don't think I ever learned how cool
my mum was in terms of her parents worldliness of
parenting until I made a very bad choice around relationships
at one stage, and I thought that all hell was
(07:33):
going to rain down on me when mum found out,
because I was all heartbroken and all that sort of thing,
and she was. So it's actually when I think I
learned that mum was someone who'd lived a bit of
a life and she was so she just cared about
my welfare.
Speaker 3 (07:46):
Was lovely, Yeah, lovely.
Speaker 5 (07:49):
Well, I mean, we learn a lot of things about
our parents, and we don't, you know, as we go
through the phases of life, parents take on many different roles,
but of course architects of children's destiny and the future,
and you know, it's a hugely responsible job, as we've
discussed before.
Speaker 2 (08:07):
So I guess the question is for people, I mean,
as a parent, if you're listening, how how do you
I don't want to say manage, because that implies that
you know you are going to manage your children's relationships.
But I guess there is a point where you know,
when they are very very young, that you want to
have more of a say, on things. But I guess,
(08:28):
how did you handle relationships or did you just simply
physical and romantic attraction is just a fact of life
that comes along, and when it happens for your kids,
you just want to be there and make sure that
they know that you're there to pick up the to
pick up the pieces.
Speaker 5 (08:45):
Conversations that probably do happen around this though, I mean,
parents are allowed to ask questions.
Speaker 3 (08:51):
In fact, they should.
Speaker 5 (08:52):
There's no problem with parents being curious because that's about
caring and being concerned about your kids. And certainly I'm
sure parents do that with friendships for their children, let
alone romantic and to actions or romantic you know, combinations
for their children. Parents are ask questions about, you know, hey,
(09:13):
how's your day, who you're hanging out with, what's going on.
You're allowed as a parent to ask questions if you
care about your kids and if you are concerned.
Speaker 2 (09:21):
Is I mean, is there an age where that too
young to have sort of relationships with you know, romantic
relationships or is it one of those things that looks
after itself that you know. Of course, you can have
little crushes and that's all fairly in a syentim and
don't overthink it, Mum and Dad.
Speaker 5 (09:37):
Well, I think that we have to go back to
children's growth and maturation. And obviously the head of a
five year old or seven year old is not cut
out to be or is not the same as the
mind of a thirteen year old or fourteen year old,
who is you know, deeply ensconced in that in those
years of maturation and growth and change. So you know,
(10:02):
as a parent, you'd want to be aware of what's
going on with your at every age, and certainly with
regard to romance and sexuality. Well, those are very important
things that parents need to be mindful of. And I mean,
you know, rules and regulations. How does your family culture
roll out in terms of what is acceptable or not acceptable?
Speaker 2 (10:22):
Well that's the other interesting one because you know kids,
well there's sex and all that sort of thing, sex
and all that sort of thing, But there are the
school of thought that you know, if you say not
under my roof, and you know, you put strict rules
on them, then you're simply forcing a behavior that might
end up somewhere else. Because there are no parents who
(10:44):
have been like who've been quite open to sexual relationships
in their house because they think I'd rather that was
rather it was happening somewhere safely. When we have a
conversation around that, then I don't know, see I'm not
ready for that stuff.
Speaker 3 (10:58):
No, you just relax.
Speaker 5 (11:00):
The couch is always there for you to have a
bit of a debrief after the show.
Speaker 3 (11:03):
But no, the thing is okay.
Speaker 5 (11:07):
The thing for me as a psychologist is that you know,
there's a whole lot of life to be lived. So
people shouldn't rush stuff, and teenagers certainly shouldn't rush stuff.
I mean, there are certain ages of legality for certain things,
so we do need to be mindful of the you know,
the legal responsibility that we have, yeah, and the legality
(11:27):
of sex and those kind of relations for children, I
mean just shouldn't happen as a parent allowing them under
my roof. But there still has to be an age
parameter in place that's acceptable. And also if you feel
like that's going to drive your child or your teenager,
should we say saying child I mean teen and.
Speaker 3 (11:49):
Above out of your house.
Speaker 5 (11:51):
I mean you've still got to have a handle on
what your kids are doing outside your home because there's
still your children. You are still responsible, you are their
parent guardian, so there's a responsibility factor there, there are
legalities around, you know, the age of consent and sexual
relations and all the rest of it.
Speaker 2 (12:09):
I think that that's probably the one I would the
one thing I would want my kids to know. And
I'm probably lucky that it's not an issue that because
I would hate to be talking about this which was
based on something I talked about with my kids, because
that's their private stuff. So but so I'm looking into
the future. Would be I would just want the one
(12:29):
their self esteem to be strong enough that they trust
that they will not do anything because of there's some
pressure from either their peers because someone else has, you know,
absolutely dabbled in something sexual which they might not be
ready for. I would, and I'd want them to know
that that yes means yes and no means no, and
(12:50):
that that's it. I would want them to be really
clear on that sort of stuff as well.
Speaker 3 (12:56):
And I think those crudely but you.
Speaker 5 (12:58):
Know, yeah, but that's part of the parenting culture that
you construct, the structure that you have in your home
and that people parents construct in their homes and for
their children every day. That is values driven. So you know,
those are your values speaking very strongly to things that
you would like for your children, for your children to
have their own mind, for your children to make good,
(13:20):
you know, healthy, positive choices. It also speaks to conversations
that parents should be having with their children around sexuality, fertility, pregnancy, responsibility,
things that you know as a father of teenage girls,
I mean, you don't necessarily want your daughters to experience
(13:40):
pregnancy and that kind of stuff before they want to,
or before they are ready to, or before they've thought
about the implications of those kind of things. So these
are all really important conversations. If you have great relationships
with your kids, then often even though they're awkward conversations,
sometimes you still have them. But I mean if your
(14:02):
children are a little yeah, I mean the relationship isn't strong,
or it's not the pathways of communication aren't open. Sometimes
these are really really hard conversations to be had, So
you need to get alongside your children and be available,
getting alongside them, being available, being accessible, being there for
(14:23):
these conversations.
Speaker 2 (14:24):
Do you remember any having to have a particular chat
or did you sort of with your kids just have
ongoing that conversations throughout the years where topics would crop
up and then you'd address them at the time, or
did you ever get ahead of something and think, hang
on a minute, they're fifteen years old and we haven't
had a chat with that. I think I need to
dig into a few things and find out what.
Speaker 5 (14:43):
So certainly, I've got four brilliant kids who are just lovely,
and I have great relationships with them. And of course
over the lifespan, you have your ups, you have your downs,
you have your ins and outs, but at the end
of the day, we're a great family and I absolutely
adore my children. I think I did a little bit
of everything that you just said. And having four children,
(15:04):
they're all quite different.
Speaker 2 (15:06):
And I asked because I know you got four, so
there's sort of safety in numbers. Difficult for your answer
if there's just one child.
Speaker 5 (15:12):
Yeah, absolutely, And I'm actually amalgamating a lot of stuff,
so I'm not actually answering on the basis of only
one child. But I would say that I was always
asking questions, and I think it's important, you know, not
really invasive questions, but just getting the live of land, like, hey,
how you doing?
Speaker 3 (15:29):
You know, what's what's going on at school? Your friends?
Speaker 2 (15:31):
And all the reason is that girl you were kissing
the other day.
Speaker 3 (15:35):
I mean I got that far, but I did.
Speaker 5 (15:38):
I can remember asking my kids if they really liked
a person that they seem to be spending a bit
more time with, and the person was coming over to
the home, and I would get to know that person
and they will love you know, some of the people
that haven't been that many because they've stuck with their people,
but they're lovely, the brilliant, brilliant people, And I why
not have a conversation what's wrong with it? You don't
(16:00):
have to get invasive or confrontational. You can be inquiring,
you can be very cool with it. You can get
alongside your kids and have them know that you're there
to have a chat about it. But I think I
was preventative too, So if I thought that somebody was
struggling with something, I would go there before they were
(16:21):
at the edge of.
Speaker 3 (16:21):
The cliff jumping off.
Speaker 5 (16:22):
I would be, you know, walking with them and trying to,
you know, work things through.
Speaker 3 (16:28):
So I was always there for that.
Speaker 2 (16:29):
Yeah, we'd love your cause on this as well, and
including if you had to deal with a challenge, maybe
when it came to your daughter or your boyfriend, your
daughter or your son choosing someone maybe you're a little
uncomfortable with. How did you negotiate that or did you
just let it play out? Because in the end they're
going to also going to be making their own decisions.
(16:50):
Give us a call if you'd like to share the
benefit of your wisdom or experience with us on eight
hundred eighty ten eighty or you might have a question
for Sarah as well on navigating your child's relationships eight
hundred eighty ten and eighty text nine to nine two
and we'll be back in just a moment. This is
News Talk, said be the Parents Squad twenty four past five. Yes,
(17:26):
News Talk said b. This is the Parents Squad. My
guest is Sarah chat When she's a psychologist at Mind Works.
Eight hundred eighty ten eighty six nine two nine two.
We're talking about your child's relationships, early relationships, subsequent ones.
Should parents set an age limit, what boundaries should be
set and when? And do you actually have a chat
about those boundaries before the time comes. This takes some
(17:46):
calls from you as well.
Speaker 6 (17:48):
Peter, Hello, Hi, College, before the questions, I remember one
parent was told by someone that he is in a
serious relationship at the age of eight or something, and
he says, it's serious. We've been texting each other for
a week.
Speaker 3 (18:05):
Cute.
Speaker 6 (18:08):
And then another one is what do you what does
your parents say when you know that their daughter is
about ten and they say, oh, I'd like to marry
so and so or so and so. You know, they
haven't really you know, they just don't know that person
at all really, but they just say say that sort
of thing. What was your response to that sort of question.
Speaker 5 (18:29):
If a child at ten says I want to marry
Prince Charles or King Charles or something like that, or
somebody down.
Speaker 4 (18:35):
The road, circle or whatever, your.
Speaker 3 (18:39):
Response would be, oh, do you like do you like harry?
Speaker 5 (18:43):
And then the child goes, oh, yes, I love him,
I want to marry him, and you say, oh wow,
you've got a few years to go before you have
to make those decisions, sweetheart. But it's really nice that
you've got that. You know, you've got a great friend.
And then you just do a little bit of observation
making sure that everything's you know, okay. But look, they
probably hear these things and read these things, and they
(19:04):
don't really know what marriage and being super in love
you know, means.
Speaker 6 (19:11):
Yeah, Yeah, well, that's that's true. And I noticed the
difference between maturity of people who were seven or eight
when their parents' divorce as opposed to twelve when their
parents divorce or kids in a happy relationship. Just and
that sort of can go on to the adult life
as well. What's your take on that sort of thing.
Speaker 5 (19:33):
Yeah, I mean I suspect that if people haven't come
to terms with you know, families looking and feeling different,
you know, after a dissolution or a divorce, if you know,
if people haven't been given time to make sense of
those new configurations, then yeah, you can get a bit
anchored to that. So it always pays in those kind
(19:55):
of situations to you know, make sure that children are
talking about things if they want to ask questions about them,
Invite them to ask questions about new configurations, blended families,
and you know, the things that happen in their lives,
because then they can sit with the information and figure
things out.
Speaker 2 (20:16):
Thank you very much, cutting your pet up, Thanks for
carl am I Look, it's difficult to sum up any
sort of generation, but I do get the sense that
this generation of kids, they don't seem to be and
I don't know whether it's got anything to do with
the Instagram and the social media generation or whatever, but
(20:37):
I just get the sense that they are not as
in a hurry to do the boyfriend girlfriend thing as
when I was at school, when I felt I was
missing out when I didn't have a boyfriend a girlfriend
when I was thirteen or fourteen.
Speaker 5 (20:50):
Yeah, look, I think you probably nailed it a little bit.
Speaker 3 (20:53):
In terms of social media.
Speaker 5 (20:54):
The kids today are very busy on their devices. They're
very busy looking and watching and all the rest of it.
So that perhaps may have the effect of slowing things
down because the lot of content on social media about relationships,
you know, good, bad and ugly. Of course, you know,
I'm a little bit of that mindset. Well, I'm very
(21:14):
much of the mindset that we as parents need to
make quite sure of what our kids, particularly younger children,
are viewing on social media. But yeah, I think a
lot of social media has slowed down people's or youth
necessity to embark on relationships.
Speaker 3 (21:32):
Maybe they're see, I don't.
Speaker 2 (21:33):
Understand if you've got the hormones and you're attracted, you know, I.
Speaker 5 (21:37):
Don't know, but they I still think there's a few
that are absolutely like that and.
Speaker 3 (21:43):
That have relationships.
Speaker 5 (21:44):
But of course as parents, you know, if you've got
an eleven year old and you know that pre pubescent
kind of age group, and they see another eleven or
twelve year old girl a boy and they, oh, you know,
they're nice. As a parent, you're not going to let
much happen in your house or out of your house.
They might be hanging out together and you know, watching
a bit of TV and going and gig at ice
cream somewhere, but that's about it.
Speaker 2 (22:05):
Yeah, I actually don't mind that the schools or the
school that my girls go to, they're having you know,
and I don't know whether it's humanities or whatever, but
they are having talks about puberty and things. And I
know that they're going to get into that. You know,
they're going to explain a few things which probably going
to save us.
Speaker 3 (22:23):
You if you've got daughters, it will be a little embarrassing.
Speaker 2 (22:25):
Can I well, I mean, you know, my wife can
always have that chat. In fact, I think we're still
having had that discussion about who's going to do that,
of course.
Speaker 3 (22:35):
Discussion.
Speaker 2 (22:37):
Somebody Jonas texted saying, boy, but you got away with
a lot with being the youngest and just watching what
you could get away with the girls. Oh no, I was.
I was the least advanced when it came to my
brothers about relationships. Another person said this ties into my
comment before Sarah. We need to realize that kids these
days are very young. Most don't leave school till what
(22:58):
don't leave school to they're in their twenties, they must
be in university. Equally, forty odd years of dominant feminism
has splintered the man woman relationship in teenagers and nowhere
as close as they were in previous generations. There's an emoji.
I don't know what the emogen he says, because they
don't interpret well on their system. But any comment on that.
Speaker 5 (23:17):
Oh look, I'm not a political beast at all, and
I mean, I just like to keep life really simple.
Speaker 3 (23:23):
So I think that when your kids.
Speaker 5 (23:25):
Present as interested in a relationship romantic, that as a parent,
you know, your ears prick up and your eyes widen,
and you just watch things and you ask nice questions,
you facilitate conversations, you keep those pathways of communication open.
I'm not going to get into the politics of you know,
why relationships are the way they are because as a psychologist.
(23:48):
I see different people every day, and you can sometimes typologize. Okay,
these people are coming in for relationship issues, but everybody
brings their unique set of variables with them, and I
act on that basis. So going to get into the politics.
Speaker 2 (24:02):
Sorry one, No, that's fine. Another one's Colin says, good afternoon, Timmy.
You're assuming that the attraction is for the opposite sex.
What are you say if it's not? Well, actually, and
good show, says Colin. Thanks. I'm not assuming that. I'm
just putting catching them in those terms, because I'm catching
from my own experience. But that is well funny. I
have a sense that there are some kids who I
(24:26):
don't know if they're particularly interested either way and what
their sexuality is, and they might go to the ball
with someone of the same sex. Whether they're attracted them
or not, I don't know. But I just want my
girls to have good relationships, and if it turns out
that it's not with the opposite sex, to be honest,
I'll take the happy relationship. It doesn't put it, you know,
it is what it is.
Speaker 5 (24:45):
Yeah, I hope that a lot of parents are like that.
I mean, there will be people that want what they
perceive to be a normalized kind of relationship pathway.
Speaker 3 (24:55):
But I don't know.
Speaker 5 (24:57):
There are so many ways that things can go. If
you love your child, if you love your teen and
your youth, then you are accepting of great relationships that
are positive for them.
Speaker 3 (25:10):
Whether that what you know package that comes and I'm
not sure.
Speaker 2 (25:13):
Yeah, because I mean I've spoken to parents who whose
children have had I don't really want to say non
conventional because I don't know, there's no whatever makes you happy,
And I think there are some parents who have had
a journey of adjusting their expectations, but in the end
they said, look, I'm just happy that they're in a
loving relationship with someone and that's all that matters. And
(25:35):
I think that if you can find your way there, then.
Speaker 3 (25:37):
That's a lot and that's great.
Speaker 5 (25:40):
And also if I think that if there are people who,
as you say, have had to adjust their expectations because they,
you know, they have walked a different path than the
path that their children are taking. Again, communicating, asking questions,
you know, just being there to work out and figure
things out. It's a really good learning and gross experience
(26:03):
for both your child and the parent.
Speaker 2 (26:05):
Let's take some more calls Andrew High.
Speaker 4 (26:09):
God, I fantastic subject because I just have I just
had a cook call from my son who's just gone
back to our home in Spain. And he just finished
the university here and he pretty much lived abroad for
all of his life. Came New Zealand for whatever reasons,
(26:33):
you know, family situations, and and we've sent him back.
So I don't even know what he's doing in the house.
But nonetheless, he's he's finished university, so you know, not
(26:54):
really grown up my sense of doing.
Speaker 3 (26:59):
Is he in a relationship? Are we getting them.
Speaker 4 (27:04):
With to go there? But what's really funny is that
he says to me that women take things out of
our life. You know they you know, they just you know,
he's a good looking guy. You know, he's gone. We
send him to Stanford University in America, and so what
(27:29):
do women where.
Speaker 2 (27:30):
This is going? And I'm getting a bit nervous to
drop into the conversation.
Speaker 4 (27:36):
This is going down a road that woman find him,
you know, a object.
Speaker 2 (27:47):
Okay, he's treated like an object. You think he feels
is he objectified? And he's objectified?
Speaker 4 (27:59):
So he doesn't want to be in a relationship And yeah, okay,
but I think also, Yeah, the one person he did
find didn't really want to be in a relationship with him.
Speaker 2 (28:21):
Well, that's often how it is. I would have loved
to have been ejectified when I was desperate for love.
Speaker 3 (28:26):
What are you jealous of your son?
Speaker 7 (28:28):
Right?
Speaker 2 (28:29):
I'm not sure we're going to continue this discussion just
a moment. Thanks for your call. Andrew is talking about relationships,
navigating the whole lot of questions around us and how
involved you should be. And I would suggest, obviously, if
you've got a couple of twelve year olds I've got
a crush on each other, you probably want to be
quite involved in keeping tabs on things. And at what
point do you sort of have to back off or
(28:51):
are you one of those households. It's like, as long
as you're living under my rules, Ruth, it's my rules
and that, and you know, how do you navigate that
if they're pushing the boundaries because you don't want to
become the villains duation. Neither of you are overbearing this
parent and want to manage every aspect of your kids' lives.
I one hundred eighty ten eighty. It's twenty one minutes
(29:11):
to sex News talks, he'd be yes, welcome back to
the Weekend Collective. It's appearance quite I'm with Sarah chat
when she's a psychologist at Mind Works. Navigating those relationships
(29:33):
that your children have the first love. Actually, you must
have dealt with some heartbreak Sarah and your time. And
I don't mean you, but as a parent, as a mum,
absolutely I reckon. I think that that's going to be
the hardest thing because you don't want them to because
the one thing kids don't realize when they have their
heart broken is that they never want to hear their
(29:54):
other fish in the sea. You know that they know
that you're going to have because they like but I
don't want another relationship.
Speaker 5 (30:01):
And it seems a little harsh, but do you know
what I have an experience a lot with my kids.
They've had long term partners and you know they're still there.
But I think being there as a parent with the
tissues just there, you know, pottering around while they're feeling miserable,
allowing them to talk and just being there to listen.
(30:24):
I mean, would you say that as a parent you
do a whole heap of listening. You need to listen
to your child.
Speaker 2 (30:30):
Actually, I love you at Usually at nighttime, when it's
bedtime or something, I just go and lie down and
you know, we just have a chat or whatever and
gat and anything that's bothering them. It's a really special time.
I think it's awesome.
Speaker 3 (30:43):
So I think with heartbreaks, similar rules apply.
Speaker 5 (30:45):
You. I tend to be there and to be available
and accessible so that again I'm alongside and if they
are struggling with any of that emotion, I'm just there.
Speaker 2 (30:57):
I think that that's it. You just got without judgment, no,
absolutely no lead that from my mum when she handled
the heartbreak I had when I hadn't necessarily behave.
Speaker 3 (31:05):
We love your mom.
Speaker 2 (31:06):
She's sweating and she was and I just remember her.
I thought she hadn't worked it out, and she just
came out eyes surprised me. A wednesa end and she
just came up, you know, she was just looking at
myself in the mirror, trying to compose myself, and she
just came up and said, it's all got too much now, hasn't.
And I completely lost it and pull Marta to her
and she was, yeah, I'll never forget that because she
was there was no judgment, nothing, she was just there
(31:26):
to support me.
Speaker 3 (31:28):
A great example of what a lot of parents should be.
Speaker 7 (31:30):
Okay, hello, yeah, hi, oh I'm talking to your Yeah.
So I'm a mother of three daughters who my husband
was one of five boys. So our life was very interesting.
But the difference between the oldest and the youngest was
seven years. So when the oldest was seventeen and complaining
(31:51):
that she couldn't hit her boyfriend, stay over trying to
explain to her that why it might be all right
at his house. You've got younger sisters. We need to
be considerate of them. The other thing that I used
to do, which the kids enjoyed, was anytime they wanted
to have a party with that fine, you can have
(32:12):
it at our place. And they would bring your mates around,
and they allowed alcohol and we would apply them with food,
keep an eye on them, and always not so much
wanted to get into their parties, but to be there.
So that was something went pear shaped.
Speaker 3 (32:27):
Yeah.
Speaker 5 (32:28):
I think they knew we would mak yep, be alongside.
Speaker 7 (32:32):
Yeah, and I mean like one of them. We always
used to let them bring a friend away on holiday,
even if we were particularly keen on the friend. Your
boyfriend or girlfriend a yeah, boyfriend, especially with the youngest,
because she was like he was. She was probably seventeen,
he was eighteen, but working, and you know when you
(32:54):
get that feeling, actually, this is not going to work
out well, but how do you minimize it? So we
welcomed them into the home, even though we tried to.
Speaker 3 (33:03):
You know, that's a smart tech. I like it. You
want to, yeah, because it's.
Speaker 2 (33:10):
Well, it's not going to end well anyway. I mean,
if it's not, you might have been there in the picture.
Speaker 7 (33:16):
We didn't. We didn't know half of what was going on.
But when things did go piarchepe, she felt no worries
about coming to us and talking about it, Whereas I
think if we've done what the instinct was, which would say, hell, no,
you're having nothing to do with them, we would have
pushed her closer to.
Speaker 3 (33:34):
Him, probably, but absolutely.
Speaker 5 (33:37):
You know, as a psychologist, I've seen that happen many times.
So that was the smart tactic.
Speaker 7 (33:42):
I like it. Yeah, it's really cool when she's she's
twenty six and going you know, he really was such
a creep.
Speaker 3 (33:51):
And you say I told you.
Speaker 7 (33:52):
So, I haven't. Actually, well, honey, it's one of those
life lessons you learned and you got out of it
relatively unscathed, so'd be grateful.
Speaker 2 (34:02):
That's nice, good Stuffy, Thanks Kay, thanks for your coll
Thanks Gay. Actually just we've had a couple of minutes.
But do you remember happening how you handled the first
early relationship breakups of your children or were there any
challenges in terms was it just? Was it just being
there and just being like.
Speaker 5 (34:19):
And definitely talking and allowing them to talk if they
wanted to, but also allowing them to work through it
and figure it out themselves. So giving them the space,
but certainly being there and just watching as a parent.
You just watched make sure that there's you know that
they don't I mean, mental health these days is essential
(34:40):
and you know well being in and around that area
of things. So you just watch, you listen, you you
just make sure that everything's fine. You talk things through
and allow your kids to know that they have the
support that they need to get through those hard times,
because look, there tends to be heartbreaking, good, bad, and
ugly relationships. I mean, heartbreak is part of a relationship,
(35:01):
whether you're with them forever or with them for ten minutes.
Speaker 2 (35:03):
Yeah, indeed, Hey, thanks so much for coming on Sarah
love to see and if you people want to catch
up your work, it's mindworks dot co dot nzre it is.
Speaker 3 (35:11):
Reach out and weekend Chat.
Speaker 2 (35:13):
Okay, we'll be back to wrap sport. Nathan Limbs with
us in just about twelve minutes. Two sick.
Speaker 1 (35:18):
For more from the Weekend Collective, listen live to News
Talk ZEDB weekends from three pm, or follow the podcast
on iHeartRadio
You're listening to the Weekend Collective podcast from News Talk SEDB.
Speaker 2 (00:40):
Guess Welcome back. If you've just joined us, Hello, how
are you? This is the Weekend Collective on the twenty
sixth of July Saturday. I'm Tim Beverage and this is
the Parents Squad. And by the way, you can we
want your Cause on one hundred and eighty ten eighty.
You can text on nine two nine two. And before
I introduce my guest, I'm just give you a little
(01:00):
hint to what we're going to talk about. It's not
a hint. I'm going to tell you what we're going
to talk about. It's that is it a dreaded time.
I'm trying to work it out for myself because I
have daughter's age twelve and fourteen, and there is that
time in every parent's life when your child might come
home one day and announced they have a girlfriend or
a boyfriend, or they might ask a few questions which
(01:23):
make you think, oh, my goodness, are they are they
quite keen on someone? And I had my first crush
when I oh my first crush when I was ten,
which put me off relationships for ages because I realized
at one stage that I was just too young for
this stuff. But we won't go into that because I'd
probably need to sit down in a private capacity with
my guest. But anyway, what you know, what sort of
(01:44):
age do you think is suitable for a boyfriend and girlfriend?
And have you had to navigate this with your own children.
I also tease my girls a little bit. I guess
this is my way of preparing as that and maybe
probing or questioning where they're at, because I will joke
and one of my girls might say something to me
and saying, oh, you've got a girl, you've got to
(02:04):
you know, you've got a boyfriend or something, and they're like, dad,
you know some coming like that, and it's just actually
it's my way of gently sort of proving to see
whether I've touched a nerve or whether they're just like,
what are you talking about, idiot? So anyway, anyway, so
the person I might have to sit down for a
chat with as a psychologist that mind works, and her
(02:25):
name is Sarah. Sarah Chat one and Sarah, Hello.
Speaker 3 (02:30):
How are you Tim? I'm very well, this is a
great topic. Oh yeah, I can know you've got kids.
Speaker 2 (02:36):
Yes, I can't remember what ages they were.
Speaker 3 (02:39):
Four times four times. Yes, grown up now they are.
Speaker 4 (02:44):
Yeah.
Speaker 5 (02:44):
I mean my daughter is eighteen, she's my youngest, and
I have three sons, so I have been through the
relationship traumas and dramas. To be fair, mine haven't had
traumas and dramas. They've got lovely partners and boyfriends and
girlfriends and all the rest of us.
Speaker 3 (02:57):
So it's great.
Speaker 2 (02:57):
Do you remember the first time this I don't mean
the specter, but that's just the word that's come out
of a boyfriend or a girl. One raised its head
differently and did it was that something you had to
find out about or did it you stumbled across it
or you walked on them in the couch when they
were suddenly shat two meters away from each other.
Speaker 5 (03:16):
I haven't actually done any of that, thankfully. I mean
that who would that be most embarrassing for it? But
I would think it would be me. I look, I
think that this thing kind of crops up when the
kids start going to socials, maybe a little bit before,
so it can start ten eleven, twelve. You know, they
go to the school socials and you know there's girls
and book there's boys. Everybody's over the one side of
(03:39):
the room to you know, the boys are there, the
girls are there, or whatever, and you know, people say, oh,
I quite like him or her, and you know, they
find that there's this thing called attraction going on.
Speaker 3 (03:50):
So I think that there's a little bit of preparation.
Speaker 5 (03:55):
Or there are hallmarks or milestones that parents or signs
I'm trying to say that parents see with regard to
their children perhaps yeah, you know, looking a little bit
further afield than just at themselves. So yeah, sometimes it
starts around that time when socials happen. So it might
be year what is it, year seven, eight, nine ten,
(04:18):
those years at school, year.
Speaker 2 (04:19):
Seven eight nineteen, what's that that's aged eleven twelve, yeah,
seteen fourteen?
Speaker 5 (04:25):
Yeah, maybe year from year eight onward you find that
some kids are showing an interest in relationships with other kids,
with or thoughts about other children being cute or attractive,
or that they like something about that child, that adolescent.
Speaker 2 (04:43):
It's actually, to be honest, it's not I'm not worried
about it at all. You know, there are some parents
who are well that you know, whether I'm not sure
if it's fathers of girls or whatever, who can The
traditional father is a little bit overseeing and wants to
sort of make sure that the boy who knocks on
the door is I'm not worried about it because I
sort of trust that my girls are going to I
(05:05):
don't know, I'm not worried about them. I'm optimistic about
that they are going to. You know, if any boy
earns a place in their affections, then it'll be a
nice guy. And I guess you worry about what if
they gravitate towards someone you think is not will.
Speaker 5 (05:21):
A bad person. Doesn't that speak to your relationship with
your daughters though? I mean, isn't your child having a
relationship or looking to have a relationship with another adolescent
to a young person, the fact that they share stuff
with you, or that you can tap into that as
a parent, you know you can ask, you can inquire,
you can be curious about that relationship. Doesn't that indicate
(05:46):
are coming together or a culmination of all the years
of hard work and toil and parenting that you have
been involved with that child.
Speaker 2 (05:55):
Because I as growing up, I was the youngest of
four boys, and I don't think I ever got a
sense from Mum or dad about whether they whether they
were remotely interested on whether I had a boyfriend or
a girlfriend or not. They just seemed to be I
guess because my older brother, he had a string of girlfriends.
We all had little crushes on, I think, and I
(06:17):
don't know, it was never something that pared for or
I don't know.
Speaker 5 (06:23):
Were you the youngest, so you know, by the time
you came around, Mum and dad had had a lot
of parenting experience, and perhaps they also understood that as
the youngest child, you are looking at a lot of
stuff that's gone on before with your older siblings. So
perhaps they didn't feel that they needed to make so
many inquiries because there had been three sons before, you know,
(06:46):
providing you with role models and.
Speaker 3 (06:48):
Showing you the ropes.
Speaker 5 (06:50):
And perhaps you were learning as children do by watching
and you know, looking at the vibe around.
Speaker 3 (06:57):
You know, when your oldest brother.
Speaker 5 (06:58):
Brought a girl home she's pretty, or whoever he brought home,
you know, you'd go, oh, that person must be special
for my brother. And you must have looked at the
way that they interacted and you learned those kind of cues.
Speaker 2 (07:10):
I just remember thinking that his first girlfriend, we all
liked his first girlfriend. She was really cute, and yeah,
It's funny. I don't think I ever learned how cool
my mum was in terms of her parents worldliness of
parenting until I made a very bad choice around relationships
at one stage, and I thought that all hell was
(07:33):
going to rain down on me when mum found out,
because I was all heartbroken and all that sort of thing,
and she was. So it's actually when I think I
learned that mum was someone who'd lived a bit of
a life and she was so she just cared about
my welfare.
Speaker 3 (07:46):
Was lovely, Yeah, lovely.
Speaker 5 (07:49):
Well, I mean, we learn a lot of things about
our parents, and we don't, you know, as we go
through the phases of life, parents take on many different roles,
but of course architects of children's destiny and the future,
and you know, it's a hugely responsible job, as we've
discussed before.
Speaker 2 (08:07):
So I guess the question is for people, I mean,
as a parent, if you're listening, how how do you
I don't want to say manage, because that implies that
you know you are going to manage your children's relationships.
But I guess there is a point where you know,
when they are very very young, that you want to
have more of a say, on things. But I guess,
(08:28):
how did you handle relationships or did you just simply
physical and romantic attraction is just a fact of life
that comes along, and when it happens for your kids,
you just want to be there and make sure that
they know that you're there to pick up the to
pick up the pieces.
Speaker 5 (08:45):
Conversations that probably do happen around this though, I mean,
parents are allowed to ask questions.
Speaker 3 (08:51):
In fact, they should.
Speaker 5 (08:52):
There's no problem with parents being curious because that's about
caring and being concerned about your kids. And certainly I'm
sure parents do that with friendships for their children, let
alone romantic and to actions or romantic you know, combinations
for their children. Parents are ask questions about, you know, hey,
(09:13):
how's your day, who you're hanging out with, what's going on.
You're allowed as a parent to ask questions if you
care about your kids and if you are concerned.
Speaker 2 (09:21):
Is I mean, is there an age where that too
young to have sort of relationships with you know, romantic
relationships or is it one of those things that looks
after itself that you know. Of course, you can have
little crushes and that's all fairly in a syentim and
don't overthink it, Mum and Dad.
Speaker 5 (09:37):
Well, I think that we have to go back to
children's growth and maturation. And obviously the head of a
five year old or seven year old is not cut
out to be or is not the same as the
mind of a thirteen year old or fourteen year old,
who is you know, deeply ensconced in that in those
years of maturation and growth and change. So you know,
(10:02):
as a parent, you'd want to be aware of what's
going on with your at every age, and certainly with
regard to romance and sexuality. Well, those are very important
things that parents need to be mindful of. And I mean,
you know, rules and regulations. How does your family culture
roll out in terms of what is acceptable or not acceptable?
Speaker 2 (10:22):
Well that's the other interesting one because you know kids,
well there's sex and all that sort of thing, sex
and all that sort of thing, But there are the
school of thought that you know, if you say not
under my roof, and you know, you put strict rules
on them, then you're simply forcing a behavior that might
end up somewhere else. Because there are no parents who
(10:44):
have been like who've been quite open to sexual relationships
in their house because they think I'd rather that was
rather it was happening somewhere safely. When we have a
conversation around that, then I don't know, see I'm not
ready for that stuff.
Speaker 3 (10:58):
No, you just relax.
Speaker 5 (11:00):
The couch is always there for you to have a
bit of a debrief after the show.
Speaker 3 (11:03):
But no, the thing is okay.
Speaker 5 (11:07):
The thing for me as a psychologist is that you know,
there's a whole lot of life to be lived. So
people shouldn't rush stuff, and teenagers certainly shouldn't rush stuff.
I mean, there are certain ages of legality for certain things,
so we do need to be mindful of the you know,
the legal responsibility that we have, yeah, and the legality
(11:27):
of sex and those kind of relations for children, I
mean just shouldn't happen as a parent allowing them under
my roof. But there still has to be an age
parameter in place that's acceptable. And also if you feel
like that's going to drive your child or your teenager,
should we say saying child I mean teen and.
Speaker 3 (11:49):
Above out of your house.
Speaker 5 (11:51):
I mean you've still got to have a handle on
what your kids are doing outside your home because there's
still your children. You are still responsible, you are their
parent guardian, so there's a responsibility factor there, there are
legalities around, you know, the age of consent and sexual
relations and all the rest of it.
Speaker 2 (12:09):
I think that that's probably the one I would the
one thing I would want my kids to know. And
I'm probably lucky that it's not an issue that because
I would hate to be talking about this which was
based on something I talked about with my kids, because
that's their private stuff. So but so I'm looking into
the future. Would be I would just want the one
(12:29):
their self esteem to be strong enough that they trust
that they will not do anything because of there's some
pressure from either their peers because someone else has, you know,
absolutely dabbled in something sexual which they might not be
ready for. I would, and I'd want them to know
that that yes means yes and no means no, and
(12:50):
that that's it. I would want them to be really
clear on that sort of stuff as well.
Speaker 3 (12:56):
And I think those crudely but you.
Speaker 5 (12:58):
Know, yeah, but that's part of the parenting culture that
you construct, the structure that you have in your home
and that people parents construct in their homes and for
their children every day. That is values driven. So you know,
those are your values speaking very strongly to things that
you would like for your children, for your children to
have their own mind, for your children to make good,
(13:20):
you know, healthy, positive choices. It also speaks to conversations
that parents should be having with their children around sexuality, fertility, pregnancy, responsibility,
things that you know as a father of teenage girls,
I mean, you don't necessarily want your daughters to experience
(13:40):
pregnancy and that kind of stuff before they want to,
or before they are ready to, or before they've thought
about the implications of those kind of things. So these
are all really important conversations. If you have great relationships
with your kids, then often even though they're awkward conversations,
sometimes you still have them. But I mean if your
(14:02):
children are a little yeah, I mean the relationship isn't strong,
or it's not the pathways of communication aren't open. Sometimes
these are really really hard conversations to be had, So
you need to get alongside your children and be available,
getting alongside them, being available, being accessible, being there for
(14:23):
these conversations.
Speaker 2 (14:24):
Do you remember any having to have a particular chat
or did you sort of with your kids just have
ongoing that conversations throughout the years where topics would crop
up and then you'd address them at the time, or
did you ever get ahead of something and think, hang
on a minute, they're fifteen years old and we haven't
had a chat with that. I think I need to
dig into a few things and find out what.
Speaker 5 (14:43):
So certainly, I've got four brilliant kids who are just lovely,
and I have great relationships with them. And of course
over the lifespan, you have your ups, you have your downs,
you have your ins and outs, but at the end
of the day, we're a great family and I absolutely
adore my children. I think I did a little bit
of everything that you just said. And having four children,
(15:04):
they're all quite different.
Speaker 2 (15:06):
And I asked because I know you got four, so
there's sort of safety in numbers. Difficult for your answer
if there's just one child.
Speaker 5 (15:12):
Yeah, absolutely, And I'm actually amalgamating a lot of stuff,
so I'm not actually answering on the basis of only
one child. But I would say that I was always
asking questions, and I think it's important, you know, not
really invasive questions, but just getting the live of land, like, hey,
how you doing?
Speaker 3 (15:29):
You know, what's what's going on at school? Your friends?
Speaker 2 (15:31):
And all the reason is that girl you were kissing
the other day.
Speaker 3 (15:35):
I mean I got that far, but I did.
Speaker 5 (15:38):
I can remember asking my kids if they really liked
a person that they seem to be spending a bit
more time with, and the person was coming over to
the home, and I would get to know that person
and they will love you know, some of the people
that haven't been that many because they've stuck with their people,
but they're lovely, the brilliant, brilliant people, And I why
not have a conversation what's wrong with it? You don't
(16:00):
have to get invasive or confrontational. You can be inquiring,
you can be very cool with it. You can get
alongside your kids and have them know that you're there
to have a chat about it. But I think I
was preventative too, So if I thought that somebody was
struggling with something, I would go there before they were
(16:21):
at the edge of.
Speaker 3 (16:21):
The cliff jumping off.
Speaker 5 (16:22):
I would be, you know, walking with them and trying to,
you know, work things through.
Speaker 3 (16:28):
So I was always there for that.
Speaker 2 (16:29):
Yeah, we'd love your cause on this as well, and
including if you had to deal with a challenge, maybe
when it came to your daughter or your boyfriend, your
daughter or your son choosing someone maybe you're a little
uncomfortable with. How did you negotiate that or did you
just let it play out? Because in the end they're
going to also going to be making their own decisions.
(16:50):
Give us a call if you'd like to share the
benefit of your wisdom or experience with us on eight
hundred eighty ten eighty or you might have a question
for Sarah as well on navigating your child's relationships eight
hundred eighty ten and eighty text nine to nine two
and we'll be back in just a moment. This is
News Talk, said be the Parents Squad twenty four past five. Yes,
(17:26):
News Talk said b. This is the Parents Squad. My
guest is Sarah chat When she's a psychologist at Mind Works.
Eight hundred eighty ten eighty six nine two nine two.
We're talking about your child's relationships, early relationships, subsequent ones.
Should parents set an age limit, what boundaries should be
set and when? And do you actually have a chat
about those boundaries before the time comes. This takes some
(17:46):
calls from you as well.
Speaker 6 (17:48):
Peter, Hello, Hi, College, before the questions, I remember one
parent was told by someone that he is in a
serious relationship at the age of eight or something, and
he says, it's serious. We've been texting each other for
a week.
Speaker 3 (18:05):
Cute.
Speaker 6 (18:08):
And then another one is what do you what does
your parents say when you know that their daughter is
about ten and they say, oh, I'd like to marry
so and so or so and so. You know, they
haven't really you know, they just don't know that person
at all really, but they just say say that sort
of thing. What was your response to that sort of question.
Speaker 5 (18:29):
If a child at ten says I want to marry
Prince Charles or King Charles or something like that, or
somebody down.
Speaker 4 (18:35):
The road, circle or whatever, your.
Speaker 3 (18:39):
Response would be, oh, do you like do you like harry?
Speaker 5 (18:43):
And then the child goes, oh, yes, I love him,
I want to marry him, and you say, oh wow,
you've got a few years to go before you have
to make those decisions, sweetheart. But it's really nice that
you've got that. You know, you've got a great friend.
And then you just do a little bit of observation
making sure that everything's you know, okay. But look, they
probably hear these things and read these things, and they
(19:04):
don't really know what marriage and being super in love
you know, means.
Speaker 6 (19:11):
Yeah, Yeah, well, that's that's true. And I noticed the
difference between maturity of people who were seven or eight
when their parents' divorce as opposed to twelve when their
parents divorce or kids in a happy relationship. Just and
that sort of can go on to the adult life
as well. What's your take on that sort of thing.
Speaker 5 (19:33):
Yeah, I mean I suspect that if people haven't come
to terms with you know, families looking and feeling different,
you know, after a dissolution or a divorce, if you know,
if people haven't been given time to make sense of
those new configurations, then yeah, you can get a bit
anchored to that. So it always pays in those kind
(19:55):
of situations to you know, make sure that children are
talking about things if they want to ask questions about them,
Invite them to ask questions about new configurations, blended families,
and you know, the things that happen in their lives,
because then they can sit with the information and figure
things out.
Speaker 2 (20:16):
Thank you very much, cutting your pet up, Thanks for
carl am I Look, it's difficult to sum up any
sort of generation, but I do get the sense that
this generation of kids, they don't seem to be and
I don't know whether it's got anything to do with
the Instagram and the social media generation or whatever, but
(20:37):
I just get the sense that they are not as
in a hurry to do the boyfriend girlfriend thing as
when I was at school, when I felt I was
missing out when I didn't have a boyfriend a girlfriend
when I was thirteen or fourteen.
Speaker 5 (20:50):
Yeah, look, I think you probably nailed it a little bit.
Speaker 3 (20:53):
In terms of social media.
Speaker 5 (20:54):
The kids today are very busy on their devices. They're
very busy looking and watching and all the rest of it.
So that perhaps may have the effect of slowing things
down because the lot of content on social media about relationships,
you know, good, bad and ugly. Of course, you know,
I'm a little bit of that mindset. Well, I'm very
(21:14):
much of the mindset that we as parents need to
make quite sure of what our kids, particularly younger children,
are viewing on social media. But yeah, I think a
lot of social media has slowed down people's or youth
necessity to embark on relationships.
Speaker 3 (21:32):
Maybe they're see, I don't.
Speaker 2 (21:33):
Understand if you've got the hormones and you're attracted, you know, I.
Speaker 5 (21:37):
Don't know, but they I still think there's a few
that are absolutely like that and.
Speaker 3 (21:43):
That have relationships.
Speaker 5 (21:44):
But of course as parents, you know, if you've got
an eleven year old and you know that pre pubescent
kind of age group, and they see another eleven or
twelve year old girl a boy and they, oh, you know,
they're nice. As a parent, you're not going to let
much happen in your house or out of your house.
They might be hanging out together and you know, watching
a bit of TV and going and gig at ice
cream somewhere, but that's about it.
Speaker 2 (22:05):
Yeah, I actually don't mind that the schools or the
school that my girls go to, they're having you know,
and I don't know whether it's humanities or whatever, but
they are having talks about puberty and things. And I
know that they're going to get into that. You know,
they're going to explain a few things which probably going
to save us.
Speaker 3 (22:23):
You if you've got daughters, it will be a little embarrassing.
Speaker 2 (22:25):
Can I well, I mean, you know, my wife can
always have that chat. In fact, I think we're still
having had that discussion about who's going to do that,
of course.
Speaker 3 (22:35):
Discussion.
Speaker 2 (22:37):
Somebody Jonas texted saying, boy, but you got away with
a lot with being the youngest and just watching what
you could get away with the girls. Oh no, I was.
I was the least advanced when it came to my
brothers about relationships. Another person said this ties into my
comment before Sarah. We need to realize that kids these
days are very young. Most don't leave school till what
(22:58):
don't leave school to they're in their twenties, they must
be in university. Equally, forty odd years of dominant feminism
has splintered the man woman relationship in teenagers and nowhere
as close as they were in previous generations. There's an emoji.
I don't know what the emogen he says, because they
don't interpret well on their system. But any comment on that.
Speaker 5 (23:17):
Oh look, I'm not a political beast at all, and
I mean, I just like to keep life really simple.
Speaker 3 (23:23):
So I think that when your kids.
Speaker 5 (23:25):
Present as interested in a relationship romantic, that as a parent,
you know, your ears prick up and your eyes widen,
and you just watch things and you ask nice questions,
you facilitate conversations, you keep those pathways of communication open.
I'm not going to get into the politics of you know,
why relationships are the way they are because as a psychologist.
(23:48):
I see different people every day, and you can sometimes typologize. Okay,
these people are coming in for relationship issues, but everybody
brings their unique set of variables with them, and I
act on that basis. So going to get into the politics.
Speaker 2 (24:02):
Sorry one, No, that's fine. Another one's Colin says, good afternoon, Timmy.
You're assuming that the attraction is for the opposite sex.
What are you say if it's not? Well, actually, and
good show, says Colin. Thanks. I'm not assuming that. I'm
just putting catching them in those terms, because I'm catching
from my own experience. But that is well funny. I
have a sense that there are some kids who I
(24:26):
don't know if they're particularly interested either way and what
their sexuality is, and they might go to the ball
with someone of the same sex. Whether they're attracted them
or not, I don't know. But I just want my
girls to have good relationships, and if it turns out
that it's not with the opposite sex, to be honest,
I'll take the happy relationship. It doesn't put it, you know,
it is what it is.
Speaker 5 (24:45):
Yeah, I hope that a lot of parents are like that.
I mean, there will be people that want what they
perceive to be a normalized kind of relationship pathway.
Speaker 3 (24:55):
But I don't know.
Speaker 5 (24:57):
There are so many ways that things can go. If
you love your child, if you love your teen and
your youth, then you are accepting of great relationships that
are positive for them.
Speaker 3 (25:10):
Whether that what you know package that comes and I'm
not sure.
Speaker 2 (25:13):
Yeah, because I mean I've spoken to parents who whose
children have had I don't really want to say non
conventional because I don't know, there's no whatever makes you happy,
And I think there are some parents who have had
a journey of adjusting their expectations, but in the end
they said, look, I'm just happy that they're in a
loving relationship with someone and that's all that matters. And
(25:35):
I think that if you can find your way there, then.
Speaker 3 (25:37):
That's a lot and that's great.
Speaker 5 (25:40):
And also if I think that if there are people who,
as you say, have had to adjust their expectations because they,
you know, they have walked a different path than the
path that their children are taking. Again, communicating, asking questions,
you know, just being there to work out and figure
things out. It's a really good learning and gross experience
(26:03):
for both your child and the parent.
Speaker 2 (26:05):
Let's take some more calls Andrew High.
Speaker 4 (26:09):
God, I fantastic subject because I just have I just
had a cook call from my son who's just gone
back to our home in Spain. And he just finished
the university here and he pretty much lived abroad for
all of his life. Came New Zealand for whatever reasons,
(26:33):
you know, family situations, and and we've sent him back.
So I don't even know what he's doing in the house.
But nonetheless, he's he's finished university, so you know, not
(26:54):
really grown up my sense of doing.
Speaker 3 (26:59):
Is he in a relationship? Are we getting them.
Speaker 4 (27:04):
With to go there? But what's really funny is that
he says to me that women take things out of
our life. You know they you know, they just you know,
he's a good looking guy. You know, he's gone. We
send him to Stanford University in America, and so what
(27:29):
do women where.
Speaker 2 (27:30):
This is going? And I'm getting a bit nervous to
drop into the conversation.
Speaker 4 (27:36):
This is going down a road that woman find him,
you know, a object.
Speaker 2 (27:47):
Okay, he's treated like an object. You think he feels
is he objectified? And he's objectified?
Speaker 4 (27:59):
So he doesn't want to be in a relationship And yeah, okay,
but I think also, Yeah, the one person he did
find didn't really want to be in a relationship with him.
Speaker 2 (28:21):
Well, that's often how it is. I would have loved
to have been ejectified when I was desperate for love.
Speaker 3 (28:26):
What are you jealous of your son?
Speaker 7 (28:28):
Right?
Speaker 2 (28:29):
I'm not sure we're going to continue this discussion just
a moment. Thanks for your call. Andrew is talking about relationships,
navigating the whole lot of questions around us and how
involved you should be. And I would suggest, obviously, if
you've got a couple of twelve year olds I've got
a crush on each other, you probably want to be
quite involved in keeping tabs on things. And at what
point do you sort of have to back off or
(28:51):
are you one of those households. It's like, as long
as you're living under my rules, Ruth, it's my rules
and that, and you know, how do you navigate that
if they're pushing the boundaries because you don't want to
become the villains duation. Neither of you are overbearing this
parent and want to manage every aspect of your kids' lives.
I one hundred eighty ten eighty. It's twenty one minutes
(29:11):
to sex News talks, he'd be yes, welcome back to
the Weekend Collective. It's appearance quite I'm with Sarah chat
when she's a psychologist at Mind Works. Navigating those relationships
(29:33):
that your children have the first love. Actually, you must
have dealt with some heartbreak Sarah and your time. And
I don't mean you, but as a parent, as a mum,
absolutely I reckon. I think that that's going to be
the hardest thing because you don't want them to because
the one thing kids don't realize when they have their
heart broken is that they never want to hear their
(29:54):
other fish in the sea. You know that they know
that you're going to have because they like but I
don't want another relationship.
Speaker 5 (30:01):
And it seems a little harsh, but do you know
what I have an experience a lot with my kids.
They've had long term partners and you know they're still there.
But I think being there as a parent with the
tissues just there, you know, pottering around while they're feeling miserable,
allowing them to talk and just being there to listen.
(30:24):
I mean, would you say that as a parent you
do a whole heap of listening. You need to listen
to your child.
Speaker 2 (30:30):
Actually, I love you at Usually at nighttime, when it's
bedtime or something, I just go and lie down and
you know, we just have a chat or whatever and
gat and anything that's bothering them. It's a really special time.
I think it's awesome.
Speaker 3 (30:43):
So I think with heartbreaks, similar rules apply.
Speaker 5 (30:45):
You. I tend to be there and to be available
and accessible so that again I'm alongside and if they
are struggling with any of that emotion, I'm just there.
Speaker 2 (30:57):
I think that that's it. You just got without judgment, no,
absolutely no lead that from my mum when she handled
the heartbreak I had when I hadn't necessarily behave.
Speaker 3 (31:05):
We love your mom.
Speaker 2 (31:06):
She's sweating and she was and I just remember her.
I thought she hadn't worked it out, and she just
came out eyes surprised me. A wednesa end and she
just came up, you know, she was just looking at
myself in the mirror, trying to compose myself, and she
just came up and said, it's all got too much now, hasn't.
And I completely lost it and pull Marta to her
and she was, yeah, I'll never forget that because she
was there was no judgment, nothing, she was just there
(31:26):
to support me.
Speaker 3 (31:28):
A great example of what a lot of parents should be.
Speaker 7 (31:30):
Okay, hello, yeah, hi, oh I'm talking to your Yeah.
So I'm a mother of three daughters who my husband
was one of five boys. So our life was very interesting.
But the difference between the oldest and the youngest was
seven years. So when the oldest was seventeen and complaining
(31:51):
that she couldn't hit her boyfriend, stay over trying to
explain to her that why it might be all right
at his house. You've got younger sisters. We need to
be considerate of them. The other thing that I used
to do, which the kids enjoyed, was anytime they wanted
to have a party with that fine, you can have
(32:12):
it at our place. And they would bring your mates around,
and they allowed alcohol and we would apply them with food,
keep an eye on them, and always not so much
wanted to get into their parties, but to be there.
So that was something went pear shaped.
Speaker 3 (32:27):
Yeah.
Speaker 5 (32:28):
I think they knew we would mak yep, be alongside.
Speaker 7 (32:32):
Yeah, and I mean like one of them. We always
used to let them bring a friend away on holiday,
even if we were particularly keen on the friend. Your
boyfriend or girlfriend a yeah, boyfriend, especially with the youngest,
because she was like he was. She was probably seventeen,
he was eighteen, but working, and you know when you
(32:54):
get that feeling, actually, this is not going to work
out well, but how do you minimize it? So we
welcomed them into the home, even though we tried to.
Speaker 3 (33:03):
You know, that's a smart tech. I like it. You
want to, yeah, because it's.
Speaker 2 (33:10):
Well, it's not going to end well anyway. I mean,
if it's not, you might have been there in the picture.
Speaker 7 (33:16):
We didn't. We didn't know half of what was going on.
But when things did go piarchepe, she felt no worries
about coming to us and talking about it, Whereas I
think if we've done what the instinct was, which would say, hell, no,
you're having nothing to do with them, we would have
pushed her closer to.
Speaker 3 (33:34):
Him, probably, but absolutely.
Speaker 5 (33:37):
You know, as a psychologist, I've seen that happen many times.
So that was the smart tactic.
Speaker 7 (33:42):
I like it. Yeah, it's really cool when she's she's
twenty six and going you know, he really was such
a creep.
Speaker 3 (33:51):
And you say I told you.
Speaker 7 (33:52):
So, I haven't. Actually, well, honey, it's one of those
life lessons you learned and you got out of it
relatively unscathed, so'd be grateful.
Speaker 2 (34:02):
That's nice, good Stuffy, Thanks Kay, thanks for your coll
Thanks Gay. Actually just we've had a couple of minutes.
But do you remember happening how you handled the first
early relationship breakups of your children or were there any
challenges in terms was it just? Was it just being
there and just being like.
Speaker 5 (34:19):
And definitely talking and allowing them to talk if they
wanted to, but also allowing them to work through it
and figure it out themselves. So giving them the space,
but certainly being there and just watching as a parent.
You just watched make sure that there's you know that
they don't I mean, mental health these days is essential
(34:40):
and you know well being in and around that area
of things. So you just watch, you listen, you you
just make sure that everything's fine. You talk things through
and allow your kids to know that they have the
support that they need to get through those hard times,
because look, there tends to be heartbreaking, good, bad, and
ugly relationships. I mean, heartbreak is part of a relationship,
(35:01):
whether you're with them forever or with them for ten minutes.
Speaker 2 (35:03):
Yeah, indeed, Hey, thanks so much for coming on Sarah
love to see and if you people want to catch
up your work, it's mindworks dot co dot nzre it is.
Speaker 3 (35:11):
Reach out and weekend Chat.
Speaker 2 (35:13):
Okay, we'll be back to wrap sport. Nathan Limbs with
us in just about twelve minutes. Two sick.
Speaker 1 (35:18):
For more from the Weekend Collective, listen live to News
Talk ZEDB weekends from three pm, or follow the podcast
on iHeartRadio
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